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Worried Moon

Posted By: bttrfly

Worried Moon - 08/28/19 08:15 AM

old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2862699&page=1


starting a new thread. woke up at 1:30am. i've been listening to a lot of Chris Cornell solo work lately, especially the higher truth and songbook albums. this thread references a great song that starts out where i am now and hopefully goes where i will be soon, so it seemed fitting to choose it as a title.

the battle continues with the insurance company, but i'm talking to a different person and made my pitch, i've learned quite a bit at the job over the past 4 years, so i've put together a compelling case for them to move on their extremely low-ball price. i don't think my car is fixable. even if it is, i've added it all up and i just can't keep bleeding out cash on repairs. i need to make a decision about a new set of wheels. this is definitely a further letting go of exh, who searched, found, flew 2000 miles away and drove this car home for me. i didn't imagine it. he loved me once. I pray that some day i can look back at that and smile, not cry. i mean really, for cripes' sake, it's been years now. i thought i'd excised all this pain, but this loss just brings it all up again. does it ever really go away? how can there be something new if there's still so much pain? will i be forever in this place? will every loss bring up this loss? to quote another Cornell song, 'put a bend in the road i'm getting tired of straight lines'

the reality of being on hospice has hit mom, and she's collapsing, convinced she's dying soon. i've tried to explain to her that this is a way for her to get help that we would not be able to get otherwise. I'm not sure she believes me, but it's the truth. i wasn't sure she'd qualify for hospice, but she does. I have no doubt that the extra support could well push her into a place where she 'graduates' and has a period of stability before having to go back on again. she's in her own deepest wounding, and lashes out at me unexpectedly from time to time. when that happens i have to leave, go home, put space between us, until she's back to the present. it's a slog. I can't take it away or make it better.

still not feeling great physically, which i'm sure is contributing to being so down. it's 4:12. I need to be up in an hour. maybe I can get some sleep. doubtful, but i need to try. sorry to be such a downer.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 08/28/19 12:17 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly

still not feeling great physically, which i'm sure is contributing to being so down. it's 4:12. I need to be up in an hour. maybe I can get some sleep. doubtful, but i need to try. sorry to be such a downer.



bttrfly,

I'm sorry you're feeling down. You have a lot going on right now. Take care of yourself and ask for help and support if you need it.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 08/28/19 12:24 PM

thank you Doodler. I don't even know what to ask for. Doing a lot of praying here and reiki.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Worried Moon - 08/28/19 12:40 PM

You sure do have a lot going on and are carrying quite a heavy load yourself. Go easy on yourself. Self care is super important.

Iíve had hospice patients who have been on and off for years. The services are why they go on. I had one patient who would go out with her friends to see ďmagic mikeĒ she likes that canning Tatum. 2 and a half years and she lived until she passed.

Talk to people. We are here.

Iím sorry you are struggling many hugs
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 08/29/19 10:06 AM

ty G. Had a very long talk with my dear friend and Reiki mentor last night. This is a busy week, as starting today no less than three of my close friends have bdays (today, tomorrow and my "twin" on Sunday), as well as a couple of less close friends' on Friday and Saturday. Lots of birthday greetings flying around and catching up to do.

Work this week has been exhausting. I'm trying to find a replacement for our new hire, have gone through at least 30 resumes and conducted on average three interviews a day since Monday. It's grueling. Only one person is being invited in for a face to face. Some people don't even bother to look closely at what they're applying to. In some cases I feel like I'm putting more care into screening them than they did into applying, which says a lot about attention to detail (name this post A Virgo on Nitpick Patrol). Two more phone screens today, which I'm not looking forward to at all. Also boss is back in from his short time away, and we will address the co-worker who unloaded on me for being the messenger earlier in the week. I. Can't. Wait. I don't want my life to be something to just 'get through' but I certainly feel that way today. Mom likes her aide and she's getting support so maybe I can be her daughter again instead of the primary caregiver.

Other than the acupuncture appointment on Saturday, I have no real plans for my birthday weekend. My hope is that on Monday night I will have my office set up and the guest room organized, all the laundry done and be ready for the week. If the yard also gets weed whacked/mowed, then great. If not, then there's always next year. I need to get this place organized for my own peace of mind.

There's also the matter of the car to sort out and that's going to happen probably today and tomorrow. I've looked at cars and have no idea what the budget is, because it's dependent on the insurance amount. I'm torn between buying a beater to drive for a couple of years and buying something nicer and driving it into the ground. The decision will become easier once I have real #s to play with.

I've decided to put off Dad's bday party. I'm the only one who seems interested so I will celebrate him myself. Maybe I'll have a bash for the family closer to the holidays. Right now, I'm going to keep putting my ducks in a row to the best of my ability.

My anxiety while not off the charts today is still palpable. I have a lot on my mind, to say the least, including some things I can't discuss here that are really weighing heavily on me. I really miss exh at times like these, to talk over these very personal things and help sort through it, although it's been far longer than since BD since he was really present. Friend is away on vacation, so there's been no contact beyond a like or two on something posted on FB.

Since I am also Queen of Lists, I will defend my checklist for a future mate. Let's look at it from a project management perspective. When doing a needs analysis, there are dealbreakers, must haves, good to haves and would be nices. I'm not saying every item on the needs assessment has to be met, but I sure better know what the dealbreakers are, and the 'musts'. It's the 'good to have' and 'would be nice' columns that don't need to be the complete match. My point is, how many of us took a logical approach in the past? I didn't, that's for sure, and I overlooked certain things that caused me much heartache. I'm not interested in meeting yet another blood brother of exh and exbf. I'd really rather be alone than compromise on my musts/dealbreakers, because compromising on those only leads to misery for me. No thanks. I've had enough of that.

Friend checks off much of the musts, and none of the dealbreakers except one that I'm still waiting to see how it plays out. He may very well be love avoidant. He certainly has earned that right, as his ex put him through living hell, so I get it. He's said things like he'll never be the giver again, to that degree. That might be a deal breaker for me. I think I know what he means, but I'm not looking to be the one doing the heavy lifting. In fact, I won't be the only one doing the heavy lifting in any future relationship. From time to time that role shifts back and forth, so what I mean here is that I won't be the one always doing the heavy lifting. That only led to misery and heartache for me and who the heck needs more of that in this hell-realm we call Earth?

I'm still not sleeping well, and when I do sleep man, the dreams are dark, chaotic and disturbing without me remembering details when I wake up. Hopefully that will pass also as the car issue gets resolved and Mom settles into the new routine with the helpers.

I'm sorry I haven't been in a better place lately. This stuff is just hard. Everyone goes through it sooner or later. Just my turn right now.
Posted By: job

Re: Worried Moon - 08/29/19 12:18 PM

You have a lot going on. One huge thing off the list will be getting another car. When purchasing a big ticket item, it can be stressful since you do not have any idea what the insurance company is going to pay out on your totaled car. I don't envy you having to deal w/the insurance company. You pay big bucks for insurance and then they make every effort to give you as little as possible for repairs. Stay firm w/them.

Organizing your office and guest rooms will be another "stressor" off your list. When they organized, you will feel much better. I don't know about your area, but we may see some rain from Dorian by Monday/Tuesday timeframe. If your grass isn't mowed....it certainly isn't going anywhere and there is always another time to do it. If your son isn't working, you might want to consider him doing it. It would give him something to do and another task checked off your list.

I hope that you have a nice birthday this weekend. You've had so much going on over the year and maybe, just maybe, things will finally settle down for you once you get things put in their proper places and a car in your driveway.

Please take care of yourself. Happy Birthday a few days early!
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Worried Moon - 08/29/19 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I really miss exh at times like these, to talk over these very personal things and help sort through it, although it's been far longer than since BD since he was really present..
I hope at least bttrfly that your physical health and infections are all on the mend right now. I'm also glad to hear that your mom is doing better too.

Yeah - I think for me that the whole not having someone to talk to thing is huge as well. It's one of the reasons I come here I know. And like you, my ex distanced herself from me well before bomb-day as she had found someone else to talk to and I was left on my own. It was certainly one of the things that was missing between B and I where I found it impossible to explain what was going on with my work etc in a way that made sense to her. Heck - it doesn't make sense to me a lot of the time - so perhaps an item for a list of my own and undoubtedly for you too.

I agree with job that getting your home organized will undoubtedly help too. I do know that for me that clutter - and this will sound weird coming from me - disturbs how I feel the energy of my environment around me. Be kind to yourself. Once your nest is in order your mind will also find it's own order.

((bttrfly))
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 08/29/19 03:20 PM

Originally Posted by job
One huge thing off the list will be getting another car. When purchasing a big ticket item, it can be stressful since you do not have any idea what the insurance company is going to pay out on your totaled car. I don't envy you having to deal w/the insurance company. You pay big bucks for insurance and then they make every effort to give you as little as possible for repairs. Stay firm w/them.


Amen, Job! How can I budget, decide if I need financing, etc. if there's this huge variable hanging out there? I'm happy to say that I heard from them today and they are offering a much more reasonable settlement, more than 2.5 times the original offer. They found a real comp for my car and took into account all the work that's gone into it. I'm going to keep the car, but not sure we're going to repair it. There's a huge weight off my mind. I still need to make a decision about a car, and quickly, but this is surely wonderful news, and long overdue. I'm waiting to hear from my mechanic before moving forward.

Hi Andrew, yes, I'm feeling better physically, although man the antibiotics really wore me out. I've signed up for a morning yoga class through our local park department. It's at 6am once a week, and starts in a month. Something to do for myself, to work on a goal of better health and wellbeing.

I'm ready to go shopping, lol.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 08/29/19 06:31 PM

HELP
Ok, I got another $500 out of the insurance company because they missed several upgrades. I also got a few extra days on the rental.

Re: my car: the frame is intact!!! and it will cost a little more than the original offer to fix it, so I could walk away with a salvage title (my own), my car fixed and four figures in my pocket. OR, I could sell my car to my mechanic, buy either a used car from him that's older with higher miles OR I could get a used car with low miles for short $$ financing with a handsome down payment that may still be under warrantee.

THOUGHTS?

I'm test driving a car tonight after work, Volvo S60 2017 T5.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 08/29/19 07:02 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
THOUGHTS?


I think you should buy the least expensive car you can find and send me all of the remaining insurance money. My altruism knows no bounds.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Worried Moon - 08/29/19 07:49 PM

You'll be without your wheels for at least a number of weeks if you go for the repairs. The fact that you are emotionally attached to the car is a factor that can't be ignored either.

Buying used even with a good mechanic's review is always a bit of a crap-shoot IMO. Getting one that is still under warranty is nice as long as your driving keeps you under the warranty for a reasonable amount of time.

The choice is in your hands alone though.
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Worried Moon - 08/29/19 09:16 PM

Hi bttrfly

Fix your car.

The emotional attachment isnít to the metal, itís to the memory. You need to get through that regardless of what youíre driving.

Emotions aside. You love your powerful car, and it gets fixed and with money to spare. If you want to change / upgrade vehicles, and I think you were not considering that before the crash, buy new.

DnJ
Posted By: kml

Re: Worried Moon - 08/29/19 10:59 PM

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you can get collision insurance on a salvage title?
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 08/30/19 01:45 AM

Doodler, you're funny :p

Andrew, my mechanic usually just lets me take the loaner, so I'm not worried. I also negotiated the rental for an extra week. There's one car that I could get that is smaller than mine, not really better gas mileage and a smallish trunk. Financing a little bit on that would put me under $200 a month additional for insurance, excise tax amortized and car payment. It's fine, but meh.

DnJ, it's amazing how once we finished negotiating and I had a solid number the true emotionality of it all subsided. It turned from a throbbing ball of twisted emotions to a long sigh of relief and clear thinking about what is the best thing for me right now. The extra cash would be a nice cushion. I put in the new engine hoping to avoid a car payment for another 50k miles (about 2-3 years). Never in my life have I bought new.

Kml, you are on the right track. I will have collision insurance, but if something happened I would get next to nothing for the car.

This is an absolutely amazing day. First the news from the adjuster, then I went through line item by line item and got extra $$ - I thought it was $500, but it's actually $600 on options they missed (how the heck can you miss a moonroof, when the car doesn't have roof racks?). Then the mechanic tells me the frame wasn't harmed in any way and quoted me less than I thought it would cost to fix my car. Then I find out I have accident forgiveness on the first accident smile thank you to my insurance agent smile and THEN on a hunch I stopped at Lowe's and scored a lovely metal dining table for my patio for $100 and 4 metal chairs with cushions for $62.50. The chairs originally were $250. The table came with swivel chairs and all that sold for over $400. The chairs I bought are from the same company, same color, just stationary which is better for my mom anyway.

I'm tempted to go buy a lottery ticket!!!
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Worried Moon - 08/30/19 02:38 AM

Iím glad your day was a bright one. An extra $600. A smoking deal on patio furniture. Yeah, get a lotto ticket. smile

Emotions are funny, how they can grab hold of us, and then just as sudden flit away. I bet that long sigh of relief felt really good.

I am wondering if purchasing a brand new car might be something on your bucket list. A couple to three year plan could yield a pretty sweat ride. Besides, you are worth a new car.

DnJ
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 08/30/19 06:49 AM

Originally Posted by DnJ
Iím glad your day was a bright one. An extra $600. A smoking deal on patio furniture. Yeah, get a lotto ticket. smile

Emotions are funny, how they can grab hold of us, and then just as sudden flit away. I bet that long sigh of relief felt really good.

I am wondering if purchasing a brand new car might be something on your bucket list. A couple to three year plan could yield a pretty sweat ride. Besides, you are worth a new car.

DnJ


Yeah, it did feel really good.
Course it's 2:48 and I'm awake. I did not buy a lotto ticket. Wish I could sleep. Seems I have more praying to do.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 08/30/19 11:28 AM

I'm going to quickly check on mom then drive up to test drive an S60 just to see. I might test drive a few more as well, before making a final decision.

thanks all, for the input.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Worried Moon - 08/30/19 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I might test drive a few more as well, before making a final decision.


.... PRIUS ..... ??? laugh laugh
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 08/30/19 09:27 PM

You know, I might need to test drive a Prius just to give DnJ some new adjectives, lol.
I drove a s60, it was fine, fun but not as much as my car. I drove a v60. It was fine. The control panel was a bit crammed in. I didn't care for the design. I LOVED the new xc40. They had one with an ivory/white top and cherry red body. SWEET. but SO FAR out of my price range.

I spoke to my mechanic, and the boys (my mechanic and his #1 who are in their early 30s and love what they do) are super excited to fix my car. One was ready to jump on it immediately as soon as he saw no frame damage because they know how much I love my car, and they also love it, having done a ton of work to practically rebuild it, at this point. It is eminently fixable, and I can have it back as soon as next Thursday when the rental runs out.

So, decision made. Keeping my car. Title stays clean, so it's not a salvage title. The carfax would read total loss for a prospective buyer down the road, but I will keep all receipts and photos of damage before and after, so that's cool. Anyone wanting this car is going to be another crazy V70R M AWD enthusiast, so that won't matter to them.

Thanks for taking the journey with me to get here.

Work is heating up as we have a huge event on the 9th plus the pending hurricane. We've got a team assembled and ready to head to FL as soon as it's safe to do so to help our clients there and anyone else who needs our help. We've already been hit with a ton of calls. Doodler, stay safe. We need you to live to skinny dip another day, Dude, lol!
Posted By: job

Re: Worried Moon - 09/01/19 07:58 PM

Happy Birthday!
Posted By: Kyh

Re: Worried Moon - 09/01/19 10:37 PM

Happy Birthday Bttrfly!
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/02/19 01:42 AM

Ty Kyh! How are you doing?
Posted By: Kyh

Re: Worried Moon - 09/02/19 06:17 AM

Hi Bttrfly, I'm doing well, trying to do lots of self work and taking care of the kiddos. I was going to start a thread with an update in this section tonight but I might wait until tomorrow. I hope you had a great birthday!
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/02/19 06:22 PM

Thx Kyh. Looking forward to catching up with you.

So folks, mark today down on your calendar: my ex just texted me, "oh happy birthday btw". last year got the birthday text about 3 minutes before midnight. today it's mid day. I texted back "oh, TY!!" with a bitmoji, so it wouldn't seem sarcastic (it's not intended to be).

Here's why you need to mark the day: I didn't even notice his lack of bday greeting yesterday. I did go to a cookout at my good friends' house - the people we spent Christmas Eve with for years - and I did wonder what his reaction would have been to a couple of things, but other than that, nada.

Is this growth?

Doodler, on your way to Andrew's you can stop by for some spaghetti, homemade sauce with meatballs and hot Italian sausage and garlic bread. It should be ready in a couple of hours.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 09/02/19 07:28 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Doodler, on your way to Andrew's you can stop by for some spaghetti, homemade sauce with meatballs and hot Italian sausage and garlic bread. It should be ready in a couple of hours.


bttrfly,

Oh wow! That's my favorite comfort food. I love Italian food and I'm partial to spaghetti, meatballs and Italian sausage. Thank you!
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/06/19 03:08 PM

Job - just saw your bday greetings and ty very much!

Got my beloved car back last night. It's weird. Or rather, I'm weird. It feels weird. I dunno what I mean. I'm glad it's back. I feel like that whole accident thing was another major letting go of exh and it feels really good. Now this car is my car, not the car he went to extraordinary lengths to buy for me. This is a good thing.

As my car, there will be some things I do differently with it from here on out.

All in all a painful and ultimately freeing experience. More birthing pains as I become the new post D me, incorporating all the experiences to date and hopefully not being limited by them.

Thankfully it's Friday. Friend and I are getting together Sunday to celebrate my birthday. I'm going with the flow on this relationship.

Andrew's thread has got me thinking. I've nearly succumbed a couple of times to going out with guys I had no interest in simply because they were interested in me. I didn't even realize that's what was going on at first, until I saw one of the guys a second time, chatted with him and was like, no. my first impression that we would not be a good match was upheld, further underscored by a conversation with a mutual friend. I then had to ask myself why I was willing to overlook that initial reaction. My answer was that I feel it's time for me to move on. I want to ultimately be in a relationship again because I really loved what I thought I had (emphasis on thought). My relationship was good for a very long time before it went south. However upon reflection I also feel like I'm living a good life without a romantic partner, and I would rather be alone and focused on the very many things going on in my life than add someone else with their attendant baggage, people, drama, etc. unless they presented a very compelling presence.

I think this is a pretty healthy attitude. I'm not looking for someone to fill in any gaps here. I've got them covered. If someone can add something, then I'm open to reviewing the resume, lol. As a widowed friend of mine said to me recently, it's really nice to go hang out with someone, have a couple of drinks and a nice dinner and just enjoy the day. Yes. Exactly. That's my starting point.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 09/06/19 04:24 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
However upon reflection I also feel like I'm living a good life without a romantic partner, and I would rather be alone and focused on the very many things going on in my life than add someone else with their attendant baggage, people, drama, etc. unless they presented a very compelling presence.


bttrfly,

I'm in that same place. I really enjoyed being married and having a family because, regardless of how bad my day was, I knew I could go home to my family, my safe harbor (or harbour for Andrew), and everything would be good again. Or, at least, it was that way until...well, you know...

I much prefer meeting someone by happenstance than forcing things just because I'm "supposed" to have someone in my life.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/07/19 11:40 AM

hey doodler, yep. organic is best. I have a few really good guy friends, most whom I've known for over thirty years, so it's not like I don't hang out with guys and get the male perspective on things from time to time.

anyway I was talking with one of them yesterday about my car. I have it back and the interior is a mess. it's just so cluttered and dirty. how did that happen? well, I run from place to place taking care of everything else and the stuff for me gets put on the "I'll get to it" list, which never happens.

I really feel that how we treat ourselves is how others treat us. by putting myself last I feel I gave my exh permission to do the same, and by extension any future partner also. this has got to change. yes I have a $h!t ton going on, but if I fall so does the rest of the jenga tower.

so, as absolutely silly as this sounds here's my plan:
1. I'm gonna clean the stuff out of the car
2. I'm going to make an appointment to have it detailed (but leave the leather alone - I don't trust their products)
3. AND MOST IMPORTANT I'm making a date with myself. One Saturday of every month is going to be car maintenance day. I will spend 2 hours spiffing her up. I'm checking out the products at Jay Leno's Garage, as the Nordkap leather is really special (midnight blue black) and needs extra special care. Microfiber cloth to keep the dust away. I feel that making a date with myself to do this AND KEEPING IT BECAUSE I'M IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO KEEP DATES WITH is a significant step in much needed self care.

I feel like it's also a real message to the Universe that I feel like I matter in a way I haven't consciously expressed in the past.

Happy Saturday. Got a date at the hairdresser in a few. More self care.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Worried Moon - 09/07/19 03:43 PM

Great attitude Bttrfly!!! Love your post! Hope you have a fantastic weekend and a great dinner with Friend. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Kyh

Re: Worried Moon - 09/08/19 12:50 AM

Originally Posted by bttrfly

I really feel that how we treat ourselves is how others treat us. by putting myself last I feel I gave my exh permission to do the same, and by extension any future partner also. this has got to change.


I did exactly this with ex, never again.

I'm glad to read you got your car back and decided to save it! I don't see many of them and they still bring a premium around here if they aren't abused. I've been thinking of following you to the dark side again and have been looking at the other flavor of Swedish meatball but probably an XC.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/08/19 01:01 AM

Haha, Irish would not approve Kyh. He'd stress that Jeeps are the way to go.

I, on the other hand, extend a warm Swedish welcome to you!

swedespeed dot com has a marketplace, if you want to go shopping.

Deja, thank you. It's a definite mind shift for me, but you know, it feels good, not awkward. After my hair appointment I went to an herbal festival for my group that I've been very active in until the past 9 months or so. It was so great to surprise my friends there, get a warm welcome back into the tribe. I actually ran into a former student who I haven't seen in about 2 years. She fell off the face of the earth. I've thought of her from time to time and wondered how she was doing. She is doing fantastically well. She and I had a serious talk about what my classes meant to her, which blew me away, and inspired me to step back into my holistic practice.

So I now have even more incentive to organize my downstairs office and start offering classes once a month here. I also touched base with another herbal friend whose business includes environmental landscaping. She and her husband will be coming out for a consult.

And we're off. I feel like I'm moving closer to my core self, and ready to share that with others. xoxoxo
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/13/19 12:50 AM

so. long long long week. and it's only Thursday. ugh.

had a scare with mom this morning. she was convinced that black spots were throughout the house and couldn't figure out why.

it was her vision, caused by dehydration and low blood pressure.

She's fine now. and so am I but wow. That was scary.

I have a new system with three bottles of water, labeled 8am, noon and 4pm. I will call her at noon and 4 to remind her to drink. Nurse thinks it's a great plan. We'll see how long she's compliant.

Son starts his new job on Monday. He's had a better time of it this past week. I can see improvement in his mood - he's more talkative and more willing to spend some time with me, so we can connect after our day. Overall he seems less down, which is a prayer answered. I know it's only the beginning, but I'm grateful.

Had a weird time with friend on Sunday. I am left wondering again are we just friends or is he thinking more. I also on Monday saw the guy that I was semi-attracted to last month - - and pfft. nuthin. I mean I am absolutely NOT attracted. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just not ready? I had a total melt down Monday night, crying a LOT, really triggered by my uncle's death which marked the beginning of exh's MLC. I loved my uncle dearly. So did son and exh. I miss him so much, his wisdom, humor, guidance and love. He's been gone 8 years now. Which means that exh is 8 years deep into his MLC, with no sign of coming out at all. I don't know how to stop loving the man I married - who in my mind is a different person from the man who walked out on me. The man I married no longer exists, so I'm like a grieving widow, except there's no corpse. How do I move on from this? I think part of the problem is that the deep intimacy that develops over years together is what I'm really missing. That cannot be found in anything new, as it simply takes time to develop. Anyway, more grieving and letting go. I'm tired of this. When will it end?
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/13/19 12:52 AM

sorry Monday was the anniversary of uncle's death. I wasn't clear. I'm also not giving details on what is bothering me about friend because I don't want to say too much and be traced back to me. I'm not making sense. just ignore me. good night!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Worried Moon - 09/13/19 01:10 AM

Iím so sorry you are feeling this way. And I understanding exactly what you are saying. You are mourning like a widow, only the ghost is visible and that is really tough?

And how do grieving widows move on and accept things? With time. More time than we hope for, but time.

((Hugs)))
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/13/19 09:32 AM

I'm grateful it usually takes a deep trigger to put me in this space these days. thx G xoxoxo
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 05:47 AM

good morning. yesterday, my cousins and their husbands came to visit mom and change out her lock for a combination lock. the thought was it would be easier to give a code to health care providers and then change it when necessary. of course, it's beyond mom. I don't blame her at all. there's a key she can lose.

I was already not feeling well, both physically and emotionally. in fact, I was trying to nap when they came, because I'd had several nights of bad or no sleep. One of my cousins, whom I'm close to, actually, just ... ugh. She made my mom cry, by reminding her of the date (I'd been very careful not to do that, as my parents' wedding anniversary was sunday). It also became very apparent that she's transferring her grief about losing her mom onto my mom. Her mom had dementia. My mom doesn't. One example: my mom has never lost a key in her life. Cousin said, "Don't give her that key. She's just going to lose it immediately" -- I told her mom has never lost a key. It went downhill. I ended up telling my cousin that she really needs to focus on taking care of herself right now. She's had a major health issue she's been dealing with since my aunt passed. I don't think she appreciated it, as she left soon after. She means well, but no one wants to be bullied, or made to feel less than because they aren't doing it the way she thinks it ought to be done. There isn't just one way to do anything, and her need for control is unwelcome. Despite how harsh it sounds, I'm very proud of the fact that everything I said to her was said in a very calm and gentle tone. Her tone was neither of those things, but that says more about where she's at than about the person it was directed at (me).

Despite my holding back, it really has bothered me a lot. I was already feeling blue and down, I sure didn't need extra. Son and I talked about it. I left to go grocery shopping. I didn't tell him I was going for a ride to pick up a pair of work boots for him, as the last pair is full of holes. I wanted to surprise him and told him it was an investment in his future, and that he would find work soon. Anyway, I had to drive 45 minutes to find size 13s. I'd called ahead so they were at the front register when I got there. I then went grocery shopping for mom and us. Son called a few times. Each time he asked if I was ok. He knew I was really bothered by my cousin's actions. I had to make a few stops as he'd asked for some specific things, and I like to oblige. Plus, I just needed time to work it out and driving sometimes does that for me. I don't know how much I worked out, as I still am out of sorts a bit this morning.

My friend's issue that he's been grappling with was resolved in a pretty dramatic Deus ex machina way. I teased him by asking whatever will we find to talk about now? So we will see how and if anything changes on that front.

I bought a couch. Finally. It's teal. Usually I pick really neutral, earth tones. This is not neutral, but will look amazing with my rug and countertops (open floor plan), and the grey walls. I'm nervous though. I bought the ottoman too. This is the first couch I've ever bought without exh. How is that possible? Spend 26 years with someone, that's how. Every time I do something like this that's a first, it's unnerving. I find that where I'm usually very decisive, in these matters I second guess myself. I actually took photos of the rug and sent the link online for the couch to my friend on the west coast to get her input. "Are you crazy?" was her immediate response. I said, "you're right I will cancel it." "NO YOU WON'T - it IS an earth tone. It's beautiful and will look great! Remember your front door (a similar color). You're going to be fine."
Ok. I'm going to be fine. She said so. You all have now been told as well, so it's official. This single thing. It takes some getting used to.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 05:51 AM

meant to post that ^^^ yesterday morning. I came home from work at 9:30 to find mom lying on the floor. she'd fallen. Someone unplugged the call button for her emergency wrist band, so she was down for three hours with no help and the stove on. pan burned. brought to er via ambulance. she has a broken femur. will know more in the am.

generally thinking this is good news, as surgery isn't needed and she's got grit to spare for rehabbing it.

plus she's got me. so we're a team. goodnight.
Posted By: devvo

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 08:36 AM

Oh no! Your poor mother - and poor you! Surely it's time for something to go right? I know there's a nice couch in all of this, but really - the Universe needs to spin you a win!!!

Best wishes for a speedy-as-possible recovery for your mum. {{{{hugs}}}} to you.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 12:36 PM


bttrfly,

I'm sorry about all of your troubles lately. There's no rest for the weary. Hang in there, you'll get through all of it.
Posted By: job

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 03:50 PM

I am so sorry to read about your mother's fall and broken bone. Do you think a visitor may have unplugged the call button by accident and forgot to plug it back in?

As for your cousin, sounds like she's got some issues that she needs to deal w/and not try to control the situation in your immediate family. I'm glad you spoke up. She's be a bit miffed for a while, but she will get over it.

I am so sorry things have been stressful for you, but can't wait until your new couch is in your home.

Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 07:24 PM

Oh dear ((({{{bttrfly}}})))
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 07:37 PM

Bless your heart, girl...if it wasn't for the bad luck you have, you wouldn't have any at all. I'm sending all the positive vibes I have your way. Hang in there and take care of YOU.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 07:39 PM

Iím so sorry for all you are going through. Poor mom. Hang in there, lady, we are all rooting for you!
Posted By: kml

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 11:12 PM

Your poor mom frown
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 11:29 PM

So sorry to hear about your momís fall. Iím sure she is very thankful to have her thoughtful, caring daughter to help her through this. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Worried Moon - 09/17/19 11:40 PM

Hello bttrfly

Sorry about your Momís fall. Glad sheís got you on her team.

I think you handled cousin well. Sounds like she has some control issues to work out.

I wanted to mention how nice it was to see son so concerned for you and the stresses you are/were under. Just like that, kids, hmmm, they go and do something wonderful. Wonder where they learned that. Oh ya - you!

(((bttrfly)))

Take care of Mom. And yourself. Enjoy that comfy couch.

DnJ
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/18/19 02:46 AM

Originally Posted by kml
Your poor mom frown

I know, right?

she's hearing a concert no one else can hear. it's kind of freaking me out.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 09/18/19 02:04 PM


This is interesting...

"Musical ear syndrome (MES) is a condition that causes patients with hearing impairment to have non-psychiatric auditory hallucinations. In advanced age, it could be confused with dementia. In addition, MES is suggested to be a variant of Charles Bonnet syndrome (visual hallucinations in visually impaired patients) by some authors (1). Although its mechanism is unknown, secondary to hearing loss, phantom sounds are thought to be caused by hypersensitivity in the auditory cortex associated with sensory deprivation (2,3). Hallucinations are usually musical in nature and can range from popular music, orchestral symphonies, or radio tunes."
Posted By: kml

Re: Worried Moon - 09/18/19 03:46 PM

I actually think it's possible that Brian Wilson has that.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/19/19 02:12 AM

ty
devvo, doodler, job, Andrew, dawn G, kml, DV, DnJ,

she came thru surgery great but it's complicated sand she cannot put wt on her leg for four full weeks. her Afib is wildly fluctuating so she's in pcu for observation. right now the effects of a anesthesia are the bigger concern, but I was well prepped by her surgeon so I knew what to expect.

exhausted. doodler, thx for the MES info and Ellie, re Brian Wilson, wouldn't doubt it.
of course he could just be channelling something from the ether he's that talented
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/20/19 01:40 AM

mom was great this am.
waiting to hear from nurse about tonight.
finally went to work.
I'm so tired.
Posted By: Kyh

Re: Worried Moon - 09/20/19 02:47 AM

((Bttrfly)) Iím glad to read your mom is doing better. I hope you get some much deserved rest.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Worried Moon - 09/20/19 11:41 AM

Iím so happy mom is doing good?

I could imagine your exhaustion . Get some sleep!
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/21/19 12:01 PM

well. bad day yesterday. day 2 post-op, so much pain. screaming in pain when they moved her so she could use a bedpan. moving to the chair wasn't as bad but took three people to help her.

They moved her to rehab late yesterday and she was irate, quite upset with everyone and especially me because I was at work, not there in the hospital (I'd left to go to work when she finally fell asleep in the chair). She made them call me so she could scream at me. They moved her anyway. She is medically stable and surgically her wound is healing beautifully. Her mind is another thing entirely.

It took me an hour to convince her that she's in a rehab, that she needs rehab so she can walk again, that she's not dying. that I'm not lying to her. we finally settled her down, gave her some Tylenol for the pain, tucked her in with some ice cream. I had to go back to the hospital to pick something up the emts had forgotten, got an earful from her nurse and some suggestions on how to help mom. she was out cold holding an empty ice cream cup when I got back.

this is very draining and exhausting for all concerned. the anesthesia and trauma have really messed with her elderly brain. I'm just taking it a day at a time.

I have my own stuff to do today and will work visits with mom around my errands. I need to stop neglecting my own home. I can't afford to keep grabbing food on the run, and I feel like I haven't had a decent meal in a week. I have chores to do here so my home feels cozy and clean, not to mention laundry so I can have clean clothes to wear.

Also, dad's half of the family doesn't know, at mom's request and only a handful on her side know. I expect the $h!t to hit the fan sometime this weekend, with one cousin in particular. I'm perfectly capable of handling it, but I'm concerned I may eviscerate verbally if pushed too far, so I'm guarding my tongue.

I miss exh. I miss our family. I'm allowing myself exactly as long as it will take me to shower and then I'm off and running for the day, putting that out of my mind and heart.
Posted By: job

Re: Worried Moon - 09/21/19 02:10 PM

I feel for you. Sounds like she's having some real issues w/being moved to rehab. Maybe she feels like she's going to stay there and not come home once she's able to walk again. Sounds like she's afraid and that's why she's lashing out at you. One of the biggest fears for the elderly is being put in a nursing home to live out their. In their minds, they can't or won't face reality and realize that we can't always be there because of work and/or activities that take up our time.

As long as your mother is in rehab, it's okay to visit a couple of times a day, but focus on what you need to do for yourself. This is the time to get whatever you need to get done completed.

Why doesn't she want her family to know she's in rehab? It would be nice for her to receive calls and cards or even a visit from them while she's in rehab. It can be a depressing place if you don't have people stopping by.

Please, please take care of yourself.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Worried Moon - 09/21/19 06:06 PM

I just want to stop by and give you a big ole hug. This is some really tough stuff you are dealing with. And missing the person who you would be your go to is hard. I get it.

She will be busy in rehab with PT and you can take some time to focus on you. Take care of you.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/22/19 02:03 AM

thanks Job and G.
Job, some relatives on Dad's side are very, very negative. She's trying to get stronger and heal a little more in peace before having to deal with them, which I totally understand.

Also her mind was completely addled by the anesthesia and extra pain meds. She's off the pain meds today and she's so much clearer and more herself. She doesn't remember half of what she did or said yesterday.

G, thank you. Yeah, this would be when I'd get a hug from my rock aka my husband and know I would be ok and would get through this. Not gonna happen now.

Yes, I'm doing my best to take care of myself. Going to bed now. xoxoxo thx again, hope your auntie is doing better.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/22/19 05:10 PM

well,
arranging a pumpkin display while at the visitor's center, I turned my left ankle, badly, on a divot in the ground. I'm not sure how I managed to drive the 70 miles home having to shift, but it was mostly highway so I'm sure that helped.

ugh.

icin, elevating and ibuprofen.

and my friend's mom broke her leg yesterday!!

he and I are living parallel lives.

oh, and my cousin texted "hey" asking about mom. I sent back a matter of fact text that she's ok, but had a little spill, broke her leg and is in rehab, asking for visits no sooner than Wednesday, so she can rest and acclimate, and also saying that mom didn't want anyone to know while she was in the hospital. Bought mom and extra day or two on that one. She really needs to have some peace (so do I).

I haven't heard back.

I'm sure I'm persona non grata

I don't care. I'm doing what mom wants.

BTW, ENOUGH!!! UNIVERSE!!!! UNCLE!!! UNCLE!!!!
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 09/22/19 11:00 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
BTW, ENOUGH!!! UNIVERSE!!!! UNCLE!!! UNCLE!!!!


I'm right there with you. Lately I've had such an incredible run of bad luck that it's totally improbable; it has to be orchestrated. What I think is going on with the universe, or whatever, is that you have to reach a point where you either go insane or you realize that you're caught-up in an absurdly hilarious dark comedy and you have to totally give up, laugh your @ss off, and stop worrying about anything. If possible, I'm going to go the dark comedy route...
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Worried Moon - 09/23/19 03:45 AM

Hello bttrfly

I am glad your Mom is on the mend. And your incident wasnít any worse than it was.

You certainly have had your plate full for the last while. Just imagine when thing settle down, you wonít know what to do with yourself. Ah, wonít that be nice. Lol.

I agree the universe could lay off for a while. Uncle!

By the way, I hear ice cream is really good for twisted ankles.

DnJ
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/23/19 01:18 PM

sorry doodler ... I will join you in the dark comedy route xo
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/23/19 01:21 PM

Originally Posted by DnJ

You certainly have had your plate full for the last while. Just imagine when thing settle down, you wonít know what to do with yourself. Ah, wonít that be nice. Lol.

I agree the universe could lay off for a while. Uncle!

By the way, I hear ice cream is really good for twisted ankles.

DnJ


I have a very long list of things to do and no time for this.

the thought of ice cream is actually a bit nauseating at the moment.

maybe if I put some on my ankle it will reduce the swelling

smirk
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 09/23/19 06:29 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
sorry doodler ... I will join you in the dark comedy route xo

My luck seems to have changed. I took my son to his cross country meet in Jacksonville Saturday evening. It's about a 2.5 hour drive to Jacksonville. When we were returning to Tallahassee, after midnight, my car's transmission went kaput but I was able to limp home. I didn't think we'd make it home. The car had to be towed to the dealer today. Here's the good news: I'm still covered by the bumper-to-bumper warranty. That was awesome news. If I'd had 25 more miles on the car, I would NOT have had the bumper-to-bumper warranty. In addition, CarMax paid for the tow and either CarMax or the dealer will pay for my rental car. I'm hoping this trend continues.

I hope your luck changes as well.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Worried Moon - 09/23/19 11:15 PM

Ugh ! I am so sorry to hear about your ankle!

You deserve a big break. I think one might come your way
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/24/19 01:04 AM

Originally Posted by doodler
Originally Posted by bttrfly
sorry doodler ... I will join you in the dark comedy route xo

My luck seems to have changed. I took my son to his cross country meet in Jacksonville Saturday evening. It's about a 2.5 hour drive to Jacksonville. When we were returning to Tallahassee, after midnight, my car's transmission went kaput but I was able to limp home. I didn't think we'd make it home. The car had to be towed to the dealer today. Here's the good news: I'm still covered by the bumper-to-bumper warranty. That was awesome news. If I'd had 25 more miles on the car, I would NOT have had the bumper-to-bumper warranty. In addition, CarMax paid for the tow and either CarMax or the dealer will pay for my rental car. I'm hoping this trend continues.

I hope your luck changes as well.



What wonderful news!!!! I'm so happy for you, Doodler xoxoxo
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/24/19 01:07 AM

thx G xo
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 09/24/19 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
What wonderful news!!!! I'm so happy for you, Doodler xoxoxo


bttrfly,

Thank you!

Last night, when I'd had an opportunity to sit down and reflect, I realized that I really don't have much to complain about. So many people have it so much worse, but after a series of setbacks, it can be difficult to realize that I have a lot to be grateful for.

I hope things get better for you. Everyone needs a respite from the storm on occasion.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Worried Moon - 09/24/19 04:45 PM

Goodness, bttrfly, you definitely need a break! Sending positive vibes your way.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/25/19 12:56 AM

Hey Doodler,
Yes, I've been lying around icing and elevating and thinking and I do have a lot to be grateful for also. I think I've been a Debby Downer lately, mostly because I think it's really easy to feel overwhelmed when you have a lot going on and you're trying to juggle it all.

I'm grateful Mom's injury wasn't more severe. She's working hard at PT and improving. They've DC'd the awful pain med that made her bonkers, so she's back to normal. My son started his new job today. While I wish he'd worn his new work boots - the ones without holes - I'm happy he's employed.

I did a float after work yesterday, as an experiment, to see if soaking my foot in copious amounts of high grade Epsom salts would take down the inflammation. I was right, it's less swollen, more bruised, but less swollen, and although it hurt last night, it was better earlier today, although after driving to work, it did hurt. I can't seem to elevate it enough while sitting.

When I got home, I iced it and it felt better.

Thanks Dawn, yes, time for a change here. ty for the positive vibes.

well, at least I'm getting rest - an enforced rest, but still, rest!!!

hope all are well, and that your positive streak continues, Doodler!!!
Posted By: kml

Re: Worried Moon - 09/25/19 01:42 AM

You probably should get that ankle x-rated if there's significant bruising.
Posted By: Kyh

Re: Worried Moon - 09/25/19 02:28 AM

((Bttrfly)) sorry to read about your ankle. Do you have any arnica oil in your supplies?

Take care, hope youíre feeling better soon!
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/25/19 07:23 AM

I have no idea where my arnica is and you're the second person kyh to suggest it.

kml - I can put more weight on it every day, and the swelling keeps going down.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 09/28/19 05:42 PM

Talking with my friend, this analogy came to me: people are like rocks. Under pressure, some of us morph into Rubies, Sapphires or Diamonds (the 3 hardest stones on the planet). Unfortunately, others of us morph into limestone. By virtue of your being here, I'd venture to say we are all either rubies, sapphires or diamonds. Don't waste your time on a limestone. Capisce?
Posted By: job

Re: Worried Moon - 09/28/19 05:47 PM

I loved your posting. As far as I am concerned...all posters are diamonds in the rough when they first come here...but as they travel their individual paths, find themselves and grow stronger...they soon become polished diamonds.
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Worried Moon - 09/29/19 05:43 PM

bttrfly = diamond

Pure, strong, clear, bright.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 10/03/19 12:48 PM

spent the night sleeping/dozing in the chair next to mom's bed. a new patient (male) came into her room last night and woke her up by stroking her face and head. needless to say, she was terrified. she was alone in her room at the time, as her room mate had gone home earlier in the day.

this is a non-restraint facility, so they will not even put an alarm on him so they know when he's up and wandering about. they will not do one on one supervision. she was shaking, holding her light cord in one hand and her call button in the other. no way in h#double hockey sticks was I leaving her alone when they couldn't guarantee that it wouldn't happen again.

I did leave at 5:15 to go home with coffee for son and to take a shower, dress and come back. twenty minutes after I came back he wandered in again. I chased him from the room and called staff. I just got off the phone with my boss. I'm not going anywhere until either she is out for PT, has a new room mate or I talk to management. To say this is unacceptable is the understatement of the century. any suggestions on what is reasonable to expect management to do in this situation would be gratefully welcomed. mom doesn't want to leave as she loves the staff and especially her PT. She's making great strides here, other than this situation. The staff were quite upset, and definitely frustrated by their inability to do more than put up a stop sign across the door, or offer my mom meds to calm her. um, no! so she'd be drugged next time he came in? I don't think so.

A giant WTF.

Also, I completely lost my marbles on my cousin and her husband, who had the unmitigated gall to say, "your mother needs help and we're not going anywhere ... yeah, you'd show up in a day or two if it was convenient."

I cannot type what I said to him. I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life. And I've certainly never before threatened physical violence to someone. This. Is. Crap. Big drama. Not happening. I don't care how upset my mom was by this, I told her what he said, and I made it clear that I'm not taking that from him or anyone else. Glad to know where we stand here.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 10/03/19 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
spent the night sleeping/dozing in the chair next to mom's bed. a new patient (male) came into her room last night and woke her up by stroking her face and head.

That's creepy! This may seem extreme, but you could file a complaint with the police (I think that would be considered assault). Let the people at the facility/clinic know that you've notified the police and if it happens again, you'll have the guy arrested.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I cannot type what I said to him. I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life. And I've certainly never before threatened physical violence to someone.

I've done the same (to the OM). It was out of character for me, but I needed it, the OM needed it and my sons needed to see that their dad wasn't going to put-up with the OM's blatant behavior. No one got hurt and all is good. Don't sweat it; you did good.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Worried Moon - 10/03/19 01:16 PM

Iím am currently taking a break in our high reliability organization training. This is unacceptable in every way and reportable to the state. A bed alarm is not a restraint at all! This should not be happening. Poor mom. Can you move her facility? Or you tell them you are going to report this to the state and they need to find a solution.

A bed alarm is absolutely appropriate. This patient also needs to be moved right by the nurses station so they can see if he gets out of his room. If they arenít willing to right this, move her to another facility.

But I can guarantee you a threat to call the state will straighten them right up.

And good for you for standing your ground with your family. You donít need that cr@p.

Hang in there, my friend
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 10/03/19 01:44 PM

ty doodler and ginger. doodler, if you don't mind my asking, when you did the same to OM, did it freak you out that you were capable of that? I'm having the hardest time accepting that I could actually do that.

G - ty ty ty. My hs BFF worked here for years as a social worker and was on the phone with me last night saying to ask for the alarm and if they say no ask why and demand a response. It was clear that the staff was equally horrified and frustrated because of HIPPA constraints to tell me fully what was going on with the male patient and that they weren't allowed to do more to correct the problem. one of the aides refused to leave - I heard him arguing with the nurse that this shouldn't be happening and he wanted to make sure mom felt safe. he's the one who told me that he would feel and do the same (staying overnight) if it was his mother.

mom's still in bed, napping. she's tired.

the man seems harmless enough, but it's frightening and he's clearly not in his right mind. he should be in a memory unit so he can get the care he needs, not here.

and no, I don't need the horsepuckies from the peanut gallery, especially from an IN LAW. there, I said it. but isn't that always the way? Believe me, (and I hope this is many years away) five minutes after mom's in the ground they are out of my life for good.
Posted By: job

Re: Worried Moon - 10/03/19 01:54 PM

bttrfly,

Since you have spoken to the staff on that floor about the situation, I would take it one step further...speak to the administrator and advise him/her that if the problem is not rectified today, that you will consider notifying the police of his behavior and that if push comes to shove, you may need to file paperwork on this man.

He should not be roaming around the halls and going into other rooms. If they are aware that he has issues, then they need to move him closer to the front desk where the staff can monitor his movements and yes, a bed alarm needs to be placed on him and the bed.

If he has memory issues, then he needs to be moved to the memory unit. I'm sure your mother was scared to death w/this strange man in her room. Unacceptable!
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 10/03/19 02:41 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
doodler, if you don't mind my asking, when you did the same to OM, did it freak you out that you were capable of that? I'm having the hardest time accepting that I could actually do that.

bttrfly,

The short answer is, no it didnít freak me out, but I was surprised at the voracity of my confrontation with the OM. I actually felt good about the confrontation because it was much needed. Iím not necessarily recommending that approach, but for me it was cathartic.
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Worried Moon - 10/04/19 12:05 AM

Hello bttrfly

The hospitalís response is unacceptable!

I agree with the others, talk to the administration and file the paperwork if nothing gets fixed.

And good for you standing up to the in-laws. You certainly donít that toxicity in your life.

DnJ
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Worried Moon - 10/05/19 01:22 PM

Good Morning bttrfly

How is Mom doing? And how are you doing?

Any gains with the administration?

DnJ
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 10/13/19 11:28 AM

hi. been a loooong week. Mom went to her dr appt - it's three weeks, so obviously no bone growth yet, but her incision is healing beautifully and she's down to one transfer on toe touch. However, that's not a 'skill' so she cannot be covered by insurance to stay where she is.We decided we are moving her to the assisted living area for a short respite stay, private pay of course, as we both feel that's the safest way to help her. She sees the dr again on the 31st and will hopefully get permission for a little bit more pressure on that leg, which would send her back to her rehab with insurance coverage. I thought I was going in to have a nice visit before work. Didn't expect this. This happened on Thursday, three days ago.

I'm overwhelmed but not allowing myself to do more than acknowledge that theres a lot going on, and just dealing with each thing as it comes up.

I slept at the facility that first night, as they were not able to do one to one with the man because of staffing. I slept there the second night for mom's comfort, but I knew the constant waking up was killing me - I needed to go home that third night (Friday) so I could sleep. I was there before 7 am Saturday, as I'd noticed that he took advantage of the change in shift to wander. Sure enough, as soon as his one to one checked out, he came into Mom's room, and I blocked his way and called staff to get him. They did everything they could to keep him busy. I think his wife kept denying transfers. They finally moved him to the LTC side of the building, but he kept coming back to his old room, and I guess his new roommate was very mean, so the poor guy had a complete meltdown and it got physical. He was using a reacher as a sword. He ended up sectioned to a hospital where he will get the care he needs this past Tuesday.

There's still the family piece to deal with. I've noticed a theme for this week: setting boundaries, soft, hard, inflexible. It's been across the board - family, work, friends.

With the cousin and her husband, they came in last Saturday all smiles, acting like nothing ever happened. I was polite, yet aloof. I don't feel the same about them. I get they were both triggered by their own trauma of having sole responsibility for my aunt's care for 8 years while her older sister did whatever she wanted. Still, not ok to unload on me and while I appreciate the help how about waiting until I - or Mom - ask for it first? I'd say that's a hard boundary.

The cousin who started it all has continued to call the facility, asking probing questions about my mother's status, and ordering nursing around. Mom gave the order last Sunday that no information was to be released to anyone but me. This cousin's name is specifically called out in the chart. She has called several times after 8pm to speak with my mother, or more accurately, to put her mother on the phone with my mother. Mom can't hear that well and after 8pm she's trying to sleep, as she still has pain sometimes during the night. The nursing staff won't put her through. I"m sure I'll be hearing about it sooner or later, and I will deal with it. It may not be pretty, but it is going to be very effective. Inflexible boundary. We suspect she's looking for some way to piggy back her mom's care onto me. Not gonna happen.

In the middle of last weekend's craziness, I got a text from exbf who has done work for me in the past. He was looking for work, saying he needs emergency cash. I called and sent him about his business. He is in this situation because he put himself there. I've put him in touch with people who are willing to help him find real work. He's not following through. Not my problem.

Another friend has offered to "help" me clean out Dad's garage and tools, for a price, since he also needs the money (someone we've known for the better part of 25 years). I've told him no, thanks. Not able to do that right now. Have other things needing my time, attention and money.

My boss, after screaming at me every freaking day last week and turning me into a wreck took the opposite tone on Monday, told me to alleviate the stress of my commute by working from home in the morning and coming in the afternoon. He went on to say how happy he is with my work, and what an asset I am to the company etc. I said I was glad he feels that way and we need to have a discussion because I absolutely cannot have another work week like last week. I was frank about how upset I was all week, and that I cannot have this amount of stress in my life, it's not healthy. I told him frankly I would have quit on the spot if I didn't need flexibility for my mother and if he hadn't been understanding of my situation. Hard limit. I truly can't live like that. This week has been much better.

I asked my son when he planned to pay me back some money he's borrowed, now that he's working. That was the hard one to do, but it's for his best interest. He will pay me next week. I expect a payment plan, which is fine. The point is, he needs to pay me back.

Son tells me exh will be around Monday. Oh. Joy. Just keeping my head down and putting one foot in front of the other. I didn't set boundaries with exh. Had I, we might have figured out how to stay together or perhaps been divorced sooner. I find I'm working hard to get the house presentable. Some buttons still getting pushed there.

For me, this past interlude has shown I'm not willing to be a doormat, or have my good nature used against me for other's gain. Strange the gifts we get from our divorces.

Ok, you're kind of up to speed. I also feel like in the middle of all this my friend and I are growing closer. We'll see what happens with that.
Gonna go visit mom with some coffee.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Worried Moon - 10/13/19 02:16 PM

Glad to hear that your Mom's situation seems to be improving. I know little about medicine especially as it affects older people. My own parents both died fairly quickly and some time ago so I was never involved in their care.

It sounds like you've got your @ss kicking boots on. It's nice weather for it. ((bttrfly))
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Worried Moon - 10/13/19 07:43 PM

Woman, I hand it to you. You are handing everything with strength and dignity and respecting your boundaries! Iím glad you spoke up to your boss. Iím also glad the facility is not giving in to your cousin. I deal a lot to that and we absolutely donít give information in situations like that.

Mom sounds like she is improving. She might enjoy a little time in AL. Good for a little socializing .
Take care of you, my friend
Posted By: kml

Re: Worried Moon - 10/13/19 08:24 PM

So sorry all these stresses are piling up on you. Hope you are able to get some sleep now. (((Hug))))
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Worried Moon - 10/14/19 01:20 PM

Good Morning bttrfly

Glad to hear Momís on the mend. Assisted living sounds like the best approach for now, and hey the private pay - donít sweat the small stuff. In 10 years that money wonít even be a blip. Still, it will be nice to get back on insurance.

I really like your boundaries on your resources - money, time, and health.

exbf and other friend wanting cash for unsolicited work. Yeah, doesnít sound like you have time or money for that at the moment.

Your cousin and work/boss was handled very well also. Good for you, donít need all that unsolicited stress either.

Talking to son about his loan, thatís a harder one for sure. Itís needed, for both of you, and it appears it was well received. Yay! Victories.

Divorces and their gifts, strange indeed. And valuable.

Nice to hear about you and friend.

Have a wonderful day.

DnJ
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 10/16/19 11:08 PM

well. what a day! moved mom to assisted living. not a good plan. the apartment was set up for right side dominant transfer (her injury is on the right side). not enough grab bars, so she'd require two people assistance. place can only offer one person.

the nurse there was super supportive. I said this isn't going to work. she agreed and wondered why they didn't order PT to strengthen her upper body and left leg. I called the surgeon who immediately sent an order. so she's back on skilled services, she's back in rehab, her old room/bed and all unpacked. LONG DAY.

I lost an entire work day's wages, but saved mom several thousand dollars.

Wish I'd followed my gut and called the surgeon last Friday. This would have been avoided and she would have had therapy instead of sitting around since last Friday.

Live and Learn.

Son is dining with exh tonight.

So tired, going to go do some organizing in my room so I can feel like I'm taking care of myself.
Posted By: job

Re: Worried Moon - 10/17/19 06:13 PM

I am so sorry that your mother is having a time getting things set up the proper way for her. It's very stressful on her, but on you as well. I hope that things will settle down and she will be more comfortable and get the additional PT she needs.

I do hope and pray that you get a break very soon from all of the stress that you are dealing with these days. I can't even imagine what you are going through.

Please, please take care of yourself.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 10/19/19 02:18 AM

That's the funny part, Job: the more it piles on, the easier it gets to just put my head down and march through it. Doesn't mean I want this to continue, but I'm grateful it's not as debilitating as it could be.

There I go getting squeezed into being a sapphire!! smile my birthstone and probably my favorite gemstone.

Mom is doing terrific. Her attitude is all positive.

I'm taking good care of myself. This is day three off sugar. You know how hard that's been to start for me, so I'm beyond thrilled.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Worried Moon - 10/19/19 11:18 AM

Sapphires are also my favorite! And my daughters birthstone!

Sometimes it really is easier to just march through .

Good for you on the quitting sugar! Itís my drug . You should be really proud of yourself.

Keep kicking butt and taking names!
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 10/30/19 06:05 PM

mwah G and ty.

Ok - I'm exhausted and fighting a cold.

I have spent a good amount of time with my friend. I freaking hate the friend zone. I am interested and I don't think he is. Or if he is/was, he's now of the opinion that I'm not interested in him in that way. Tough to tell which it is. I had a great opportunity to initiate, but he has said he prefers to be the one doing that sort of thing, so what does a gal do in that situation?

We have so much fun together. We never run out of conversation, on a variety of topics, from light-hearted to uber serious. We have similar values and enough differences to be interesting and complementary. We've had a very recent talk about what we both want in a relationship short and long term - someone to be a companion and also to grow old with, someone you're excited to see/talk to.

I want to wave a sign at him, "Hello!!!! I'M RIGHT HERE!!!" but of course, that's not appropriate.

Anyway, I'm trying not to be down about the irony here. I do think he was very interested when we first started to hang out, 18 months ago. My head and heart were in a very different place. It had only been a little over a year since the D was final and I was still off balance, whereas for him, it's been several years since his BD and subsequent D. so I really friend zoned him first while I tried to figure out what the heck I wanted, while being very drawn to him.

Now I've decided to stop fighting my feelings for him and I'm pretty sure his feelings for me are not there, in a romantic sense, any longer. Although he's also said that it's weird that he feels nothing in that regard for anyone.

So. I'm sad about this. Part of the problem is that I think we both were thinking about the usual "types" that we fell for. I told him a few days ago, that's not what draws me now. I'm not looking for tall, dark and handsome Prince Valiant. That was for a different time in my life. Now what I find extremely sexy is a guy who has a great heart, and personality plus, with similar values, who is a great parent, not selfish, kind, etc. I'm not like his previous exes. Which is a good thing, since they are exes, right?

I have tried to drop little hints, without being too forward. We shall see what, if anything, transpires here. He will either figure it out, and be into it, or he won't.

Anyway. On a separate note, my son dropped a bombshell on me that I found excessively upsetting. News that he says his father has been aware of for some time, but of course, said father never thought it was worthwhile to clue in the parent who's there 24x7. Putz. So, I've reached out to some friends for support and advice on how to step back and not enable. I have such good people in my life; I'm very, very lucky.

Also, Mom said she feels her body "fading away" and wanted the last rights/sacrament of the sick. She met with our family priest two nights ago. I'm not ready to lose her yet, but again, what control do I have over that? None. So, I'm working on the assumption she's going to be coming home, and working to make her home safe for her.

You are now up to speed on all that's happening here. I'm quite grateful to have an IC session this evening.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Worried Moon - 10/30/19 07:05 PM

((bttrfly)) It's sad when we have to let go of those we love but I agree that you are smart to plan on her coming home.

Many years ago my ex worked with two people who were in a similar situation. The guy was hot to have a relationship but the gal friend-zoned him. He eventually gave her an ultimatum from what I recall and we went to their wedding. I believe that the marriage was a bit rocky. I'm not even sure that it lasted all that long.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Worried Moon - 10/30/19 07:22 PM

(((bttrfly)))

It's a tough spot, for sure. I have been in the very same position and we followed a similar timeline. Ultimately, we did not end up as romantic partners, but I know for a fact, he will be my best friend until one of us leaves this earth and I'm grateful to have that in my life, even if it isn't in the way I had once hoped. I'm at peace with it now. I hope you can find a similar peace with your situation, but trust me when I say I know it just s*x!

Sorry about your mom. Hang in there and lean on your amazing friends!
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Worried Moon - 11/02/19 02:26 PM

Good Morning bttrfly

Sorry to her about your Momís health. You are exercising your control, of what little bit of that situation you can, very well. Keep visiting her and make her home safe for her. You are a wonderful daughter.

It is not too surprising that XH didnít tell you about son. Iím glad you have good friends to lean on. I think the hardest part of stepping back and not enabling is knowing it is the right thing to do. It sounds like you have some wise people in your corner.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I have spent a good amount of time with my friend. I freaking hate the friend zone. I am interested and I don't think he is. Or if he is/was, he's now of the opinion that I'm not interested in him in that way. Tough to tell which it is. I had a great opportunity to initiate, but he has said he prefers to be the one doing that sort of thing, so what does a gal do in that situation?

Whatís a gal to do? Talk to him.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
We've had a very recent talk about what we both want in a relationship short and long term - someone to be a companion and also to grow old with, someone you're excited to see/talk to.

I want to wave a sign at him, "Hello!!!! I'M RIGHT HERE!!!" but of course, that's not appropriate.

Who says. Ok, maybe not an actual billboard sized sign, but a sign nonetheless.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Now I've decided to stop fighting my feelings for him and I'm pretty sure his feelings for me are not there, in a romantic sense, any longer. Although he's also said that it's weird that he feels nothing in that regard for anyone.

It nice to see you not fighting your feelings. Are you embracing them?

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I told him a few days ago, that's not what draws me now. I'm not looking for tall, dark and handsome Prince Valiant. That was for a different time in my life. Now what I find extremely sexy is a guy who has a great heart, and personality plus, with similar values, who is a great parent, not selfish, kind, etc.

Good. Guys like to hear what a gal find sexy, extremely.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I have tried to drop little hints, without being too forward. We shall see what, if anything, transpires here. He will either figure it out, and be into it, or he won't.


Some views from the male side of things. Use them as you see fit.

Ok, irony aside. Yeah, the friend zone s*cks. This definitely shows your level of interest.

But, he was interested and now isnít maybe or maybe is. Quite a bit of mind reading and guessing going on there. Pretty normal Iíd say. So whatís a gal to do?

You know he was interested before. Feelings do wither - they donít disappear. The seeds are still there, and still fresh. Water them. Feed them.

How?

You are already doing that. You have both shared short term and long term wants from a relationship. You have told him what you find attractive and sexy. When you follow up on that, even us of the less enlightened gender can put two and two together and come up with - hey she finds me sexy.

He prefers to be the one to initiate. Ok. It doesnít mean he doesnít, or wouldnít, like it if you initiated. And from what you said it was a rather vague preference to that sort of thing. You initiating something isnít going to turn him off - it will reinforce everything youíve been telling him.

Us men are a little simple and dim sometimes, that billboard sized sign is needed at certain times. smile

Go on a walk and hold his hand. Skin against skin. The heat from each otherís hand warming the other. A prolonged caress, more than innocent, and tempting for something more.

Bttrfly, this is from my vantage point. You and he have a good relationship, sharing feelings and passions and such. Itís wonderful that you arenít fighting your feelings; that your head and heart are more in alignment, and accurately reflected upon. Embrace them both - head and heart - thought and feelings. He is a great guy. You know it. You feel it.

You are a great gal. You know it. You feel it.

Put your fears aside and take a little step. Nothing wildly huge, just hold hands, hug shoulder to shoulder, walk arm in arm. It looks small to you - however that is billboard size smack to a guy.

And talk to him. We canít read minds.

Just a bit of open encouragement.

DnJ
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 11/02/19 04:01 PM

thx Andrew, Dawn and DnJ
I've been binge watching episodes of Reba on youtube - I'm on season two ... 'safe dating' heck, friend and I have been doing that for a year and a half!!

gonna let this unfold on it's own.
gotta go see mom. haven't seen her in a few days as I've been fighting a cold.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Worried Moon - 11/04/19 07:25 PM

I love Reba and I know exactly what episode you are talking about with the safe dating. Hang in there! Things always work out the way they are supposed to, but it just might take a minute.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Worried Moon - 11/06/19 09:48 AM

thx Dawn. yeah ... patience is needed. I've been fighting my feelings here for a long time. Now that I've admitted them there's a sense of ok it's time to get on with it. I don't want to waste any more time. well life does not work that way. just because I've admitted how I really feel to myself and am ready to move forward doesn't mean he has and is, or even is on the same page. though I think my feelings are reciprocated its not clear he's willing to take a chance, without knowing how I feel in return. also, the practicalities of dating with kids, job, etc are real, as G has noted often lately.

anyway, something happened Sunday with my son which is quite serious. I will not go into it here beyond saying that he needs all of my attention right now to get through this. I'm praying that this will have a positive outcome, as crisis is so often an opportunity for re-evaluation and healing. If anyone is inclined to pray for us, I would be deeply grateful. I'm not really sleeping all that well at the moment, and I am almost back on the divorce diet, in that I'm forcing myself to eat as my stomach just feels knotted all the time.

I pray that exh doesn't go off half-cocked and upset the balance I've tentatively established here to give son room to breathe through this and figure out what he wants to do. My friend as always is supportive. I asked him why is it that I always feel better after talking to him. he said because he talks things through with me, which he does, but it's more than that. I value his perspective and rarely do I not feel a sense of refuge when talking things out with him, or like Ive been truly heard. To be honest, that is dead sexy.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Worried Moon - 11/06/19 10:56 AM

Iím praying for son and that everything turns out ok. Youíve just had so much going on and you deserve a break I pray everything works out for your son for his sake and for yours.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Worried Moon - 11/06/19 12:59 PM

bttrfly,

You've been taking a beating lately. I'm glad you have a caring and supportive friend. You're in my prayers.
Posted By: job

Re: Worried Moon - 11/06/19 06:13 PM

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

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