Link to Old:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2862998#Post2862998I thought it was a good time to change up the thread title. I feel like I am starting to hit my stride, and really move on/distance myself from the impacts/thoughts of my Divorce. That I am continuing to move on and forge my new life with my daughters, friends, the Dr. etc.
Thanks A....I really appreciate the vote of confidence. I feel like I have learned quite a bit over the past 8 to 9 months.
Had a health scare last night with my old 16 year dog, outside of the kids, the last remaining living purchase that my XW and I made right after we got married. Yes, I kept our 2 family dogs. The dog is old, a lab/pit mutt and had a hard time walking last night, her hind legs kept giving out, and a couple of times they just completely gave out. She also essentially stood up and tipped over at one point so I thought we are close. I went to bed thinking today I would put her down depending on how she did overnight. We woke up this morning, she went outside and did her "thang" drank some water and all seemed well. I still think her days are numbered and I am struggling with just having her put down because it is just a matter of time. When I put our other dog down last year it was crystal clear that it was time, I don't have that clarity right now. My girls will be crushed.
Went over to the Dr's house Tuesday night for weekly mid week meet-up. Tomorrow she will find out if her practice wins the "Best Of" our county award in her division. She is really nervous about and she did make the top three. Tomorrow night we are heading out to her ranch, we will hit up a winery and just chill. Saturday night we are going to a dinner party at one of her friends house, not sure what Sunday has in store however on Monday we are supposed to take the kids to a water park. I will also meet her sister this weekend, the first time either one of us has met a family member. I have also noticed over this week that I don't need to talk to her as much during the day or night. We still chat briefly in the mornings and at night but other than that I don't feel the need for anything else. I guess that's normal as the R moves forward and you get more comfortable but just an observation.
I found out my dad and step-mon are coming down next week so that will be cool. I have not seen them in quite some time it will be nice to see them again.
The dog is old, a lab/pit mutt and had a hard time walking last night, her hind legs kept giving out, and a couple of times they just completely gave out. She also essentially stood up and tipped over at one point so I thought we are close. I went to bed thinking today I would put her down depending on how she did overnight. We woke up this morning, she went outside and did her "thang" drank some water and all seemed well.
That happened to our beloved dog that was also lab/pit mix. She had the same symptoms as your dog. It was cancer. She had an operation, but the cancer had metastasized to other organs. The operation bought us a couple of months that we used to pamper her in every way possible and it allowed us time to say our goodbyes.
I hope your dog fares well. I know it really impacts the children when their childhood pets die.
Awww...….I figured as much, at 15ish there won't be any operations it's just a matter of when it really starts to impact her quality of life. She just lays around and sleeps most of the day anyway, doesn't go outside for really any extended periods of time but I do think we are getting close. I just don't know how un-comfortable she is but I think we are getting close. I know if she can't get up and go outside for the bathroom it is game over but I also don't want her to be too uncomfortable either.
I could put her down today and truthfully it probably won't matter other than knowing she might have been able to live a couple of more months, etc. I know it won't be another year.
I'm sorry to read this. Our pets are so dear, and the tie to the old life just adds another layer. I hope whatever you decide to do that you and the girls have the opportunity to say goodbye properly.
xoxo
I know if she can't get up and go outside for the bathroom it is game over but I also don't want her to be too uncomfortable either.
After the operation, and after a relatively short recovery period, my dog was just like her old self again. But, the vet insisted my dog only had six weeks to maybe a few months to live. She made it past the six week mark, and she seemed happy and healthy, but she started stumbling again so I had to take her to be euthanized. That was a terrible day.
I think the operation and medication cost about $2k. For me and my sons, the extra time with our dog was worth it because we were all still reeling from the divorce and I know my sons appreciated the extra time we had with our dog.
Thanks....it does add another layer for sure. Last year when my golden died it felt like a mini BD as that dog was the very pet my Xw and I got 3 months after we got married to start our family. When I called her to tell her she even cried, we cried together and it was the first time in a while were I had seen her show some emotion. So yeah it’s tough, hopefully she will make it through the weekend. I just went home and checked on her and she was sleeping in her bed. I won’t get my girls until Sunday so I am optimistic.
Well I ended up putting our dog down tonight. The Xw brought the girls over to the house and they said goodbye. My youngest cried and is already asking for a puppy. Anyway it is sad for many reasons but I am relieved
So sorry to hear that your buddy has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. It is the responsible thing to do when they hit a certain point but having to make those choices for a critter that cannot understand is tough.
It sounds like you and the girls are doing ok and that's good.
Bro hug ((J9))
We love them enough to let them go when the time comes. I'm so very sorry {{{{{{{J9}}}}}}}
I’m very sorry for your loss. You did the right thing by having your ex and children come over and say their goodbyes . Losing a pet is never easy.
My ex has one of our dogs. I had the other who died in my arms, so he never got the chance to say goodbye. He’s 15 and on his last legs.he has to lived with me in 9 years, but I love him. I imagine my ex will give me the chance to say my goodbyes when the time comes. My dad has his brother and he put him down this year. My dad and his wife loved that dog like a child, but they felt relief too. Since that dog was my ex’s idea for my dad for Father’s Day, I told him it was happening and he was sad.
Sorry to hear buddy. Take care and stay strong.
I'm so sorry. It's difficult to lose a furry friend.
Thanks everyone.....it wasnt as emotional as our first dog and while the girls got emotional the xw was not overly upset. I guess that means we are all moving on with our lives you know? While it is sad, I am looking forward to more freedom and not having do dog proof the house before I leave for work, etc. So I am looking forward to that. I know my girls want a dog but the only way that would happen is if the dog went with them between houses and I dont think the xw would sign up for that. Anyway, I hope you all have a good weekend.
Hey J - sorry to hear about the dog. Glad to hear that the girls got to say goodbye. Hope you are able to have a good weekend.
Thanks M...I am doing good, it was a little weird this morning waking up by myself but I will get used to it! How are you? Starting dating yet?
Sorry for your loss, but glad your girls got to say goodbye.
Sending hugs for you and the girls!
Hope you had a good weekend J! I'm sure it's different waking up without your dog and as life has it, we learn to live in the new normal. Haven't taken the dating plunge yet. Still trying to sort out some things in life and it's taking longer than I had imagined. I don't feel this rush to get out there yet and so I am doing good. I am hoping by the end of the year the skies will clear and 2020 will be the year to start dating. Will keep y'all posted on it.
Thanks all, everyone is doing fine. It is really nice not having a dog around, the first time in 16 years. Had an enjoyable weekend, it went by really fast but it was very fun. Friday night the Dr. and I went out to her ranch, cooked out, had some adult beverages and just chilled. We had a storm go through that dropped the temperature into the low 70's so it was a very nice evening. She also won an award for the Best Of Our County so we celebrated that as well. Saturday I went to the gym and did our own things in the afternoon but then Saturday evening we had a dinner party to go to at one of her Dr. friends house. Ended up playing some games, did a couple shots of tequila so I had a little bit of a headache the next morning. Sunday morning the Drs kid was selling popcorn for Boy Scouts at Lowes so I went up there and bought some from him and then I ended up getting the girls early so we went out on the boat for about 8 hours, got burnt, drank way too much and the Dr. came over later that night after we got home. Her sister is in town so they all went out with their mom and celebrated her sister's birthday. It was just a family thing. Then yesterday we took all 3 kids to a water park in town and hung out for about 4 hours. It was fun but her son is still kind of annoying. He wants to control everything, wants it his way, cries when he doesn't get his way, and wants everything on his terms. Him and my girls get along quite fine but my girls mostly play each other and he is off doing his own thing. The Dr. and I hang together in a group, my girls are content just being around us but he wants to go off, do his own thing and hopes everyone follows him. He just constantly picks and prods for attention and he is pretty immature. He is very smart though. At times I think he wants to be rough and tumble but when I try to be that way with him he gets upset because it's not on his terms. He wants to take your hat, push you under a water fall or jump on your back but when you try to do anything with him he gets upset, cries, and tells you to stop. Not sure what that's all about but it's annoying.
I guess it's a good thing that both of us are completely content dating right now because I think it will be very challenging for him if he is not the center of attention. If our R progressed into something more.
My dad and stepmom are in town this week staying at my house, I gave them my king and I am sleeping in the spare bedroom so I slept like crap last night. This is going to be a long day!
My step son was 6 when I first started dating his mother, he was much like you describe her son. I get that it bothers you, you’re used to your two girls (which are girls and yours) but he’s a young boy, completely different. Don’t let that be a barrier to moving forward; for now, let her take the responsibility for him, as long as he isn’t “harassing” your girls, not your problem. If you two progress, she will likely be ok with you being a parental figure and in my experience, boys respond well to a father figure. It’s not always easy, but you will gain his respect and he will likely start following the example you present of how a male acts.
My best suggestion fo now, tire him out.. throw a football (make him run for passes), teach him how to catch/hit a baseball, challenge him physically and he will start to focus.
Thanks Nut......yeah, I stay out of it, I don't get involved. If she asks me a question I will give her my opinion but other than that I am hands off. When he wants to play, rough house, etc. I immediately stop when he starts to fuss/get upset. That usually happens when I push back a little. For example, I was riding a tube on the lazy river and he wanted me to go under the waterfall so he was pushing me towards it. So I was like "ok buddy, if I am going your coming with me". So I got him on the tube and was holding him there as he was trying to get away. Obviously I am stronger than him so that wasn't going to happen so when he realized he couldn't get away he told me to stop and started crying. I immediately let him go and then his mom grabbed him and took him under the waterfall with her and then he told her she was being mean.
Afterwards she told me he gets upset when things don't go his way and he has to learn that when you are playing around things are going to happen. That he has to get used to it as that is part of horsing around.
Again he is not a bad kid, not mean or angry but this is probably an adjustment for him since he is used to being the King of his little castle with his mom, sister, and Grandma all treating him like he is the greatest thing since sliced bread as he is the only Grandchild in the family. I am very aware of it which is why I am not moving fast with creating this immediate, blended family. My girls are different as they are used to not always getting what they want because they have each other. I have also noticed him competing with me as well as his mom is giving me attention. Again, I am very aware. My oldest was trying to braid the Dr's. hair and when he came up he would have no part of it and in his own little way grabbed his mom's hair so that interfered with what my daughter was trying to do. My oldest looked at me like WTF and I just told her that it was ok and I got her mind focused on something else.
So far he is not into sports, she is putting him in swim lessons but he doesn't want to do anything that he could potentially lose at. He is in Cub Scouts, his mom has him in the Spanish program at school, and she reads bible verses to him every night and he memorizes them. So I guess he is sort of a nerd I guess or maybe forced into that roll by his mom. Maybe in the fall, when it gets cooler here in TX, I can see if he would engage in playing a sport.
If she would be ok with it, Karate is a great activity, teaches discipline and gain self confidence.
I think she has tried that as his one little friends in 2nd grade is involved with it. For some reason he does not want to participate in any sport where he might be subjected to lose or not achieve something at. He takes swimming lessons but has no desire to be part of the swim team. He is also the type of kid that would just say "no, I don't want to do it" because it is some else's idea.
I was wearing a hat in the pool and he kept on trying to come up and take it off my head. At first he would swim up, be all nice to me but in his mind was plotting the perfect opportunity to take it off my head. When I wouldn't let him do it, he then started giggling, laughing, like that was his out to defuse the situation but he kept on trying to take it off my head until his mom stepped in and told him to stop. Finally, I let him have it just so he could get the satisfaction of actually making it happen.
I’m going to challenge you for a second and kind of just ask you a question.
You say everyone treats his son like a king and he wants to control all situations and everything needs to go his way.
In your last sentence you finally gave in to let him have the satisfaction.
Isn’t that what everyone does for him? You just did it too.
I imagine it’s the easier way when you just don’t want to deal anymore.
Also, M had made it very clear to me that I would never be discipling his child. He made it clear in a passive aggressive way, but he made it clear. Perhaps very very gently would be ok, but otherwise, it was a nope. I was scared to say anything to the kid that might be along the lines of a “no” there a few times I also had to tell my daughter “just let him” when it really wasn’t fair. I felt bad, but my daughter is much older and she could handle it better. M also treated his son like he was the boss and gets to make all the choices. Probably why his kid was getting in trouble in preschool. He didn’t get what he wanted and acted out. He was used to getting what he wanted.
Anyways, I know the doctor is much more flexible in allowing you to stop unruly behavior and she probably wants some help. M’s son walked on water and he was the best parent alive according to himself. So I basically couldn’t say boo.
Do you feel afraid of not giving him his way because his mom might not like it? If you want to change the behavior then you might have to be the first one not to let him get his way. And might not want to tell your girls to let him have his way too. They are pretty much the same age and they are dealing with a very immature kid, but not one who is so much younger.
I’m just saying , if you see all of you living in the same house one day, his behavior won’t be as sustainable for you or your girls if he doesn’t get a little tough love. Easy now when you just hang out. But living together? Might want to nip that one in the bud.
Blending families is HARD
G.....in those moments what goes on in my head are two thing.
1. I don’t want to be moms mean BF that just comes in and lays down the law.
2. I don’t want him running to his dad, aunt, or grandma telling them what I did or how I made him mad.
If we were living together, married, etc. it would be a different story but at this juncture I might only see him once or twice a month so I just don’t feel the time is right.
Totally get it. It’s tough. When you talk about living together, maybe at that point it would be good to talk about the proper role in his life.
Hey, M’s son was a good little kid. But having a weeks vacation, I realized it was M that was going to be the problem, not the kid. I realized I was going to just have to sit down and shut up and that’s not so easy all the time.
She has told me in many ways that I am her choice but I am in no rush. There has also been no serious conversations about marriage, living together or child raising discussions. At this juncture it seems that both of us are on the same page regarding the speed of the R. I very much enjoy spending time with her but then being able to retreat to my house for some alone time. It is a perfect arrangement.........
kid sounds like he's got some traits that will turn into issues in a few years if not curbed.
IMO he needs a strong male role model in his life which is something he does not have. He is adopted, has no R with his birth father, he was the only kid his birth mom put up for adoption, and he only sees his adopted father 4 times per month. His adopted father also plays a very minimal role in his life and does not participate in really any of his activities outside of when it is his weekend to have him.
I think he is the type of kid that would react differently to male discipline vs female discipline. My mom never scared me but I knew I didn't jack with my dad. My dad didn't play...……..
YES. Absolutely, esp given his history.
Well I finally felt things getting real with the dr. this weekend. She met my dad and step mom on Saturday night, we all went out to dinner together with my girls. Then after dinner we took our first picture together with my girls. Then last night my mom cooked and she came over with her son. Some time during the evening her son started calling me dad and I was like whoa buddy. I reminded him who his dad was and he said you would be my third dad. I told the dr. About it and we got a chuckle out of it, then she laughed and said "I did not put him up to it". Anyway, I am still in no rush but this is getting real!
My parents liked her, my dad told me I was the luckiest mfer alive. I just laughed but other than soccer, work, gym and the dr. Everything is going really well at the moment. I will just continue to ride the wave.
My dad also sat next to the xw at my oldest soccer game on Saturday. That was the first time my parents had seen her since the D. My dad told me that the x asked if he had met the dr. Yet but outside of that they hugged, gave each other a kiss and exchanged I love yous. I thought that was odd but I did tell him to be on his best behavior.
Sounds great:) really can’t get much better than that
Yeah, things are going really well and she makes things very easy. She really is a high quality person and I am a very blessed man. The longer I have been with her the more I have become attracted to how she is as a person, how she treats me, respects me, etc. I am physically attracted as well but who she is as a person is starting to take over the other.
I am not ready to get married yet but I know it is on her radar screen and she is starting to make more comments about it as the weeks progress. Me not wanting to get married yet has nothing to do with her though and it is all about me still very much enjoying my freedom and alone time the weeks I don't have my girls. She has also not yet met my mom and stepdad which probably won't happen until Christmas unless I make a special trip to see them so she can meet them.
This weekend we are going out on a double date with some friends of hers on Friday night. Then on Saturday we are going out to her Ranch with some other friends of hers as well.
I do feel that things are starting to heat up and move a little faster.
The mighty Huntress
Do you know how you will approach it when she starts becoming more blunt? What are your thoughts vis-a-vis just shacking up vs marriage?
Well my dad says that I am the luckiest man alive and when she asks I would be a fool to say “no”. Truthfully she has not changed since day 1, she is as advertised. Next Friday I am going out to dinner with her mom, sister, and son then will meet her xh at her sons birthday party on Saturday. She still has not met my mom, who is the real gate keeper, so that probably won’t happen until Xmas. The point is that I have some time.
I am not opposed to getting married I just would like some more time alone, by myself, to enjoy the dating process that is all. The excitement of picking her up, not seeing her for a few days, etc. there is something to be said for that.
If she asked me today I would say no and explain my reasons but let her know that I love her, still want to date, be with her, etc. I don’t want to be with anyone else but I am also not ready. I think about my girls, them adjusting, new house, a little brother, all of what goes into blending a family and it just hasn’t been enough time yet for me. The house we live in they were both born in and we have known all of our neighbors for years. We are starting to get more entrenched in each other’s lives but we are not quite their yet.
how long have you been dating her? I applaud you for thinking about how this would affect your daughters, and for plain old knowing you want more time as a single person.
imho, too soon even if you were ready.
Yes, I agree. I just think she is getting more comfortable and letting her guard down more. She does make comments here and there but definitely not all the time, I also do not feel any pressure from her. It's just as you move forward in the R, especially at our age, eventually there is a decision that will be made.
It's just as you move forward in the R, especially at our age, eventually there is a decision that will be made.
Hmmmmmmm - really? Because I think it's the opposite. When you are or we were in our 20s or 30s, yes, for sure the expectation would be moving toward marriage and having kids. But at "our age" kids are likely off the table. For many, so is marriage. Not to say people don't live together, etc. but if anything the expectation for people in their later 40s, in their 50s, for certain 60s, 70s, and 80s marriage is just not as typical or nearly as expected. Or is that just my mindset?
Beyond that, 8 months really is pretty short. Even for those marriage-minded people in their 20s and 30s, less than a year before getting engaged is not as typical.
I'll, confess, you're situation would scare the bejesus out of me. But that's because I don't want to get married - yet if I was dating someone who I was told or I felt that I am the luckiest man alive and would be a fool to say no to, what do I do then? I don't want to lose her but I also don't want to marry her. Then again, I was sort of told this by people about my ex W before we got married. She's the best thing, and I'd be a fool if I let her go, blah, blah, blah - that is until we got divorced and the same people then told me they knew it wouldn't last and wondered why I married her in the first place!!! Yeah, no kidding - they wanted to have it both ways - and kinda did!
You've also not been divorced that long and this really is your only serious R post D. I'm not at all suggesting you look for something better - you may be the luckiest guy. I just think you'll have a better confirmation of that at 18 months versus 8. And remember, her son is part of the deal.
I guess what I mean is that our age most people know what they want and don’t waste time messing around. I agree 8 months is a very short time and after coming out of a D even shorter considering all the pain that was involved.
I agree 1.5 to the 2 year mark is a better time frame. I think I dated my Xw for almost 2 years before I proposed and another year before we got married.
And yes, they are a package deal.....along with her 73 old mother that lives in town and her 50 yr old sister that comes to town and stays with her once a month for a weekend. As a doctor they also rely on her for a lot of support as well, more emotional than financial but as they age she will become the caretaker of the family.
Just read this on FB and thought it was a good way to view the doctor's son's behavior:
"Every time you think of calling a kid "attention-seeking" this year, consider changing it to "connection-seeking" and see how your perspective changes.
KML - that post made me teary eyed. Very, very true.
Yes, I agree. Very cool. Thanks for sharing and I can really see that in him. He has no Male that is consistently in his life to model behavior after.
kml - as always - raises a good point. I recall with B's GS3 that he would also be very attention seeking and get quite wound up and aggressive. What worked with him was making him the centre of attention for a while, usually holding him on my lap and rubbing his back (something B taught me). Yelling or other disciplinary measures were counter productive.
B's opinion was that he was acting out because he had had so little stability in his life and was so used to people being temporary that he acted the way he did as a result. Over the months he certainly calmed down a lot and I recall in the last few times I spent time with him he would ask me out of the blue quite regularly if I loved him. Not being able to prove to him that people do care and do stick around is certainly one of my bigger regrets on that relationship ending.
Totally agree with kml. Sadly, I have to remind myself of this often since I deal with "kids". Granted, I'm not dealing with little kids like the dr's son, but I think we are quick to judge all ages of kids based on specific moments in time or specific actions and we kind of forget to take a step back and look at the big picture. I have no doubt, if you and the dr do go all in, you would be a wonderful role model for her son. And, I also have no doubt that he would settle in and not be so...……….rambunctious? annoying? bratty? spoiled? (Not really sure what word to use here and don't want to be offensive.) Based on all the things you have said, I think the kid is already trying to test your boundaries. He's the little king, being doted on by all the women in his life and now here comes this dude, taking away some of the attention that he gets from the main one doting on him.
I'm just glad to see that you finally have a woman who is exactly what some of us ladies told you was possible. We all said there were good, strong, caring, attractive, loving, loyal women who weren't game players and while I think you (and most of the other men on the board) were pretty skeptical, you have found EXACTLY what we said all along absolutely did exist. I'm really glad for you and for her.
Thanks D, yes she is all of those things....including arrogant, it comes out more when she is drinking. Dont get me wrong, she all of those positive qualities however she is very proud to be a dr. Truthfully she doesn't need a man for anything other than the fact that she doesnt want to be alone but I can see a weak, needy man wouldnt stand a chance. Many times she has commented to me about how in her marriage she earned the money, I dont think she approached it as they were a team. She had also commented how she was not a good wife either. I know what she values in me however if we were ever to move forward in marriage she would have to not hold money over my head. I have no issues having prenups, separate accounts, etc. But she couldnt hold it over my head.
I guess it has been a bit so i will provide an update.
My parents have been in town for the last two weeks staying at my house. It has been nice having them in town but I have been missing my alone time. This past weekend was the Dr's sons birthday so I got to meet her mom for the first time and my parents also got to meet her, her mom and her sister. I also met her xh at the birthday party. No issues, everyone got along real well, no red flags that came up. It was actually really nice and it seemed that everyone fit well together. Her mom is 74 but an old 74, her sister is 49 and kind of chatty cathy but they are all super nice people. Her xh was fine. I can see why they didnt work out, he is very arrogant and a used car salesman ( he is in sales but when I met him that is what he reminded me of). He was cool though, no issues, I shook his hand, the Dr. introduced us and then when I left I made a point to go shake his hand again and told him it was nice meeting him. Again, no issues.
She has still not met my mom or stepdad yet which wont happen until the holidays.
In other news my oldest scored the game winning goal on Saturday so she was excited about that. I thought I was going to meet my xw's BF yesterday when she came to pick up the girls but it ended up being her BF the came into town for the weekend. When my XW texted me she said "we are on our way" which is why I thought it was her BF.
So I guess that is it, not much else exciting going on. My parents approved of the Dr., they also got to see her son in action and their take on the situation is that he is just immature, an only kid, very tender, and doesn't have any men in his life to model himself after. The important people in his life, the ones he spends all of his time with are women. His mom, nanny, grandma, and aunt. His dad only 4 days a month and he won't enroll him or take him to any activities if does not fall on his 4 days of the month. He also lives about 45 minutes away. My dad told me I could really be a positive influence on his life.
Things have picked up a little but I am still just hanging out, hooking up and having fun
Things have picked up a little but I am still just hanging out, hooking up and having fun
So, this might sound like a loaded question, but I'm really just genuinely curious. At what point does it go from the 3 H's to an actual committed relationship for you? I mean, from this angle, it looks like commitment, but from your description of 3 h's it sounds like just a casual fling. I am fascinated by how people think and what makes them tick, so that is where the curiosity stems from. And, I can always stand to learn a thing or 2 from people who think differently than I do.
It is committed, that reference is meant to mean just focusing on having fun and not getting bogged down by heavy R talks, discussing our future together, etc. Just enjoying her company, having fun, etc.
I don't think either one of us expected this to happen so we both are not in any rush, we are just going with it and having fun.
Well, see...there you go. Learned something new today. Following your explanation, Sparky and I are all about the 3 H's.
We don't really spend a lot of time in the bogged down details or seriousness, though, since we are merging households and getting married in a few months, we do occasionally have to have serious discussions. Thanks for the response. This is why I love this board....always learning new things.
I know it's been a bit but I don't have much to update and life is just clicking by. I have not been on the board too much and I am starting feel the desire to post become less and less. I guess in many ways I feel myself truly starting to move on.
My girls are doing great. I am in the middle of soccer season for my oldest and my youngest is getting ready to start basketball. The school year is also just flying by! Still hitting the gym and doing my thing. My parents have been in town for several weeks it has been nice to have them at the house. The Dr. and I are still together, we talk every day, see each other about 3 times per week. I met her mom, sister and XH for the first time. No issues and our R is just very boring. She met my parents and we are gradually spending more time together with the kids as well. Nothing over the top but just dinners, get togethers, etc. and they all seem to get along. No sleepovers yet but the kids are starting to ask.
All for now.
I may be in the minority here, but I think boring is good. I am a creature of habit, so routine and boring are words that are right up my alley. It signifies no drama.
I agree with you dawn! I would love to have boring with a guy. Nothing I want more.
Life sounds great. Moving on is good.
That's a great update. I second Dawn's comment. Tell us more about meeting Dr.s XH, how did that go and what was he like?
You all are right, there is no drama. The only issues I have had to work through where internally with myself.
Her XH was fine. She introduced me to him at her son's birthday party. We shook hands, he asked me about my girls, I told him it was nice to meet him, and that was it. When the girls and I left I shook his hand again and that was it. No drama and I didn't get into conversations with him.
My impressions.........he is a true Texan, a country boy, just as tall as me with a gut
. Good looking though, like I could tell 15 years ago when he was in shape he would have been a really good looking guy. You could tell though he was arrogant, pompous, and had a high opinion of himself. Confident but according to the Dr. he had no follow through and only spoke a good game. My dad was at the birthday party as well and spoke to him for quite some time. He commented to me afterwards that he could tell why they didn't work out. After the party, several days later, he texted the Dr. and told her that I seemed like a nice guy.
I am very laid back and chill so dudes like that don't bother me. No drama though, he asked about my girls and that was it.
You could tell though he was arrogant, pompous, and had a high opinion of himself.
Funny, that is what Arkansans usually say about ALL Texans. LOL
Haha....well I guess it's a good thing I am not a true Texan although my daughters are......
Thanks for the update J9. Just change boring for routine...;-)
Hugs for you and the girls!
Hi everyone, I hope life finds you well. I don't have really much to report outside of life is normal and just moving right along. I have the girls this week so we went out Trick or Treating last night with the neighbors and then later we stopped by the Dr's house so we could walk with her and her son for a bit. The Dr. and I are still dating, we spend the weekends together when we don't have the kids and when we do have the kids we get together with all the kids maybe one night or two night during the week. Tonight me and the girls are going over to her place for a sleepover with her and her son (this is the first time for the kids). The time that we spend together as a psuedo blended family is increasing. She still has not met my mom and stepdad yet or the XW but for the most part she has met everyone else. She makes marriage comments here and there, makes statements about places we are going to visit after we retire so I know that is where she is headed. I am still in no hurry, it doesn't scare me when she makes those comments but I am still in no rush. It is very comfortable, a comfortable pace and I don't find my emotions controlling me, I feel very centered and in control.
Outside of that things are really great. The girls are good, just wrapping up Soccer season. We have 1 game left and a couple of tournaments to close out the year and then basketball will start for my youngest.
Nothing new with the XW. I have the girls this week and she came over to the house for Trick or Treating. She texted me and asked if it was ok. Fine by me she is certainly welcome. She still sends me random stuff, things that she finds funny that she runs across, pictures, etc. She did get in a minor fender bender and texted me about that. At our D's soccer game I helped her tape up the mirror but I still don't ask her any questions about her personal life or get involved outside of it involving my girls and she respects my boundaries. I think she is still dating the same guy but I really don't know for sure. I still have not met him.
All for now, I hope everyone is doing well.
Awesome. Sounds like you are headed on over to marriage land again!
Awesome. Sounds like you are headed on over to marriage land again!
Ha! Sure, he say's:
I am still in no hurry, it doesn't scare me when she makes those comments but I am still in no rush. It is very comfortable, a comfortable pace and I don't find my emotions controlling me, I feel very centered and in control.
So let's see if we can't scare him a bit and knock him off of that center! LOL. I am totally, totally just kidding. In all honesty you do sound like you are doing great. I compare that to the Joseph that was here reporting on herpes girl and some of the other crazies that you dated, knew were crazy, but somehow still wanted. I'm sure now you see the HUGE contrast between them and the doctor - but I think many of us see a contrast in you as well - in a good way.
So what happens if she starts pushing you more? It's still somewhat early - clearly - her not even meeting key family members of yours yet. But what if this were November 2020 and she's clearly expecting a ring for Christmas? Are you ready to go there again? Good for you if you are. I just wonder if you'll still be saying it doesn't scare you and you are centered and in control? I kinda hope you do - especially if that's what you want. It's just that us guys, many anyhow, would be totally fine just continuing along exactly like you are now and for many more years. For some reason, many girls are missing that gene and have to have a ring on it to feel whole.
You've likely got time yet. Something tells me she just won't wait forever if marriage is what her plan is.
Lol.....well I know that is what her plan is but I will hang on to this arrangement as long as I can. Maybe at some point she will ask me!
The sleepover was fine. Not something I am ready for every weekend with the kids as I want to be really careful with my daughters and her son. I just dont want to force them into this immediate family.
My oldest got sick over the weekend so the dr prescribed her some meds. I told the xw bout it over text and she asked me if "the good doctor" prescribed them to her. I told her she did, or was a sat and her regular dra office was closed. Anyway, I thought referring to her as the good dr was a little back handed comment. I get the sense she is a little jealous. Oh well.
There really is no reason to have sleepovers every weekend with the kids. Hang out , fine, but no need to be out of their home. It’s good to know it can be done to test the waters of living together. But I think it’s super important, even if you were living to together, that you still have time alone with your girls, and she still has time alone with her son. Remember, your girls get half time with you and probably would really like your undivided attention every now and the . And trust me, they will get older and the will start leaning towards their friends, but now is an important time for daddy daughter time.
You do know “the good doctor” is a Tv show about an autistic surgeon, right?
Yes, I know it's a show. But she does have a name you know?
I agree, I don't plan on doing it very frequently. They get along just fine with each other, but I also don't want them to feel forced into an immediate family either. The house that I live in my girls grew up in so I am sensitive to that. I have no problems doing things together as a group, etc. but I don't want sleepovers either. I don't want my girls to feel uncomfortable. Her son seems to not care at all although he is rather immature.
We have also not discussed or had any in-depth discussions on parenting, expectations, or any of the little details about what it would look like if we got married. She is very strict with her son, doesn't give him an inch. Me, not so much. My girls want a snack, go get a snack. They want doughnuts, i'll be right back. She is not that way and is very regimented with him. So we have not had any of those parental discussions, or would we buy a new house, etc. etc. None of that has come up, so we have a ways to go.
If she wants to bring it up she can but it won't be coming from me.
I think you are being pretty smart about this and examining all angles. Which really is a must when blending families.
M’s parenting and my parenting were very different . And also under very different circumstances. He only had his son on fun non responsibility time. So rules were nearly non-existent along with bedtimes, etc. that kid got what he wanted, when he wanted, where he wanted , and how he wanted. Not regimented in the least. I, on the other hand am not strict, but we have rules . She gets snack and treats, but not a 10th snack and treats are generally earned . I remember one night on vacation we all ate dinner and he refused to eat. Wanted to play instead. So when we got to the boardwalk he decided he was hungry so we all had to stop and watch and wait while he ate. That wouldn’t fly with me. 5 years old, or 10 years old, doesn’t matter. He also opened his mouth anytime I was disciplining my daughter to tell me to stop. I felt like telling him maybe he needs to start with his son. Although his kid is a generally good kid, but is well aware he can get whatever he wants from daddy because he so desperately wants to be the favorite parent.
You’ll figure it out. But it definitely does take time to figure out. It’s also a big reason why many divorced people with kids live together apart when they commit
Obviously having my girls 1/2 the time, it's not always a party when they are with me. I am just naturally a laid back person so some things just don't bother me or hit my radar. Her son's bed time is 7:30, they start the process at 7 pm with teeth brushing, book reading, and prayers. My girls bed time is 8:30 and I am not nearly as structured. So there are some major differences If she asks me for advice I will give it but I have never questioned her or corrected her when she is disciplining her son. That said I also don't want to restrict my girls from things they enjoy just because she doesn't allow her son to have it. for example, my girls wanted juice with dinner....I really don't care however she wouldn't let him have juice it was either milk or water. Again, just some differences.
Her also is bigger than mine and paid off. Both are 4 bedrooms but she has more square footage. Both my daughters, especially my oldest would want her own bedroom. Her son has his own room so there are two other bedrooms that are not being used. Her sister comes flys in from California once a month to visit and stays in one of the rooms. That's great and all but I would not want that to be a factor/cause for my girls having to share a room.
I know some of this stuff is really minor in the grand scheme of things however I don't want my daughters feeling like they are second class citizens because he is the only kid she has and is the prodigal son. I won't let that happen, it's very much on my radar.
We actually almost kind of got into it on Friday night. My oldest asked her a question about something on a bottle and the Dr. kind of snapped back that she could read the side of it. I turned my head real quick, shot her a look and she apologized immediately. So the kid/parental navigation is definitely challenging.
Her son is a very sweet little boy, just very immature, still very babyish. Wimpy, carries around stuffed animals, calls people character names, giggles all the time. He is only 8 but I guess boys mature slower than girls. And of course she thinks he is so smart, and the brightest kid in the room. It's kind of annoying to be honest. I just want to tell him to nut up and be a man, quit crying and acting like a little baby. Those are the times I just go home and enjoy the silence.
Maybe he's immature, or maybe he will end up being on the autism spectrum.
Sounds like y'all are in a good place but that the whole kid thing will definitely be a challenge if it does move to a more permanent partnership. I know I have said this to you before, but one of the things I like about this board is "hearing" how other people think. One of the things you said about all of this that really stuck out to me was that y'all haven't had any indepth discussions about moving in, parenting together, etc. and if she wants to bring it up she can, but you are not going to. That's certainly your right and prerogative and I'm not at all questioning that, but that just struck me as odd. You have joked more than once about her asking you to get married. Is that what you are really hoping for? What if she did ask? Would you say yes or would you put her off? Just curious....don't feel like you have to answer. Maybe it is just me, but the way you worded that feels like you are holding something back or you are unsure of where you want to go (and again, nothing wrong with that, if it is the case).
As far as her son, he's 8, not 18 so telling him to nut up MIGHT not be the best way to stay in his mother's good graces. That cracked me up though. I mean, I picture a really whiny, annoying, super immature kid when you describe him, but then again, he's an 8 year old boy so doesn't whiny, annoying and super immature just kind of go with the territory?
If she asked me right now I would not marry her, IMO it is way too early. She has not met key people in my family and honestly we have not spent enough time yet or had enough conversations about our future, blending families, finances, etc. She can bring up the R talks if she wants and I will certainly engage, discuss, etc. I do see a future with her and someone that I could potentially marry. She is a very sweet, kind, giving, and loving woman. She made me chicken soup last night, and she also gives me healthy snacks to bring to work (she packs them in sandwich bags for me, mixed nuts, protein bars, and oatmeal
. When she is out at Sams or Costco she always calls me asks if I need something, I always say "no" but she always brings me back a new bottle of bourbon.
I know that's superficial stuff but that is kind of person she is. So I do see a future, I could see us definitely getting married some day. There is just a lot that we have to come together on, like I mentioned above that we have not even discussed.
To be honest I really enjoy my alone time when I have my girls. This week, I have complete peace and quiet to do what I want, when I want. If we get married and moved in together I back in full time noise mode with an 8 yr old boy running around. No peace and quiet after I drop my girls off. Yesterday, I laid on the couch for 8 straight hours, had a few beers and watched nothing but football. It was awesome!
You kind of have the perfect gig going on right now.
8 hours straight on the couch with beer ? ( not a football fan, but make that hockey) i could only dream of that!!!!
I know right, last night I went over around 8 pm after her son went to bed, picked up my soup, had a beer, stayed just long enough and got home in time to see the end of Sunday night football. All in in a 5 min drive......why ruin that!
My son is 8 years old and hyperactive, attention seeking, and annoying. From what I see from other moms, boys are just more immature. If he’s an only child and doesn’t have other kids to bounce off of (sometimes literally) they end up using adults for that. Which annoys the adults. It’s tough cause these are the kids that really do need that tribe.
I’m new in my relationship, but early on he asked me what I expected from a partner when introducing kids. Wanted to know about my parenting style and asked if there were articles I could share with him that might help. You remember my issues with last boyfriend, so this was like a godsend to me. But I think this stuff has to be communicated and spelled out early. I think general consensus is that it’s better to discipline separately until later down the line. Because my bf showed that he is thinking ahead, and looking out for the best interests of my son and us as a unit.. it makes me trust his opinion more and I’m more open to advise from him.
We already hashed out what we wanted for our future. Like he asked me early on if marriage was something I would be interested in again. We talked about how if we lived together what issues would the kids have? How would we give them alone time. Etc. I think this was important and am glad we did that early instead of playing the “I’m cool approach” this way we both know early on if we are on the same page.
Anyway, I think dawn nailed it. These are really important topics that should be hashed out if a future together is the goal. It avoids wasting time and leading someone on.
Oh and my mom actually tells my son to “cut that sh!t out and deal with it” and he’s only 8. But that just makes him laugh more.
Oh and my mom actually tells my son to “cut that sh!t out and deal with it” and he’s only 8. But that just makes him laugh more.
I’ve been telling my daughter that forever! And she still loves me. And laughs.
We have had some general conversations about the future etc. but nothing over the top and heavy. She seems perfectly happy calling me her boyfriend and we have both told each other that we do see a future. Both of us are not in a rush though. I don't think we are leading each other on but I do think both of us are scared. She wants a pre-nup, that does not come cheap, and she is knee deep in the middle of getting her practice off the ground so she has plenty of things going on in her life at the moment that do not make getting married ASAP a priority. We spend every weekend together (I go over to her place one evening during the week) and honestly I believe she just enjoys going out to eat, relaxing, having fun, hanging out and not having a bunch of heavy conversations. Her practice also has her completely stressed out and consumes a lot of her time. I would think if she was ready to get married tomorrow she would be bringing up the subject way more than she does. She makes comments about in 30 years we are going to go to this country or do this, etc. I will reciprocate as well as I made some comment a couple weeks ago about when we are married taking her son some place.
I could be completely off base but I just think she loves the fact that I am not trying to actively pressure her and lock her down. We have fun on the weekends, enjoy each others company, and just have fun with it.
She also isn't very direct some times either, I do pick up on her hints. Friday night we had our first sleepover as a family at her house. The girls and I had to leave early Saturday morning because my oldest had a soccer game. Later Saturday morning she sends me a text and said how her son wants to have another sleepover tonight, LOL. I knew that was her way of saying I want to do it again without coming right out and being direct. So I said sure, come on over tonight, you guys can stay at my place and I will make dinner. So we had two sleepovers, 1 at her place and another at mine. I did tell her Saturday night after the kids went to bed that I didn't want to push it, she admitted that she wanted to see my again and was being selfish.
Anyways I realize at some point in time things are going to get real or more real than they are now and some decisions/conversations will have to take place. We both know that we wouldn't have lasted this long if we didn't see a future together. How or where or when it goes from here remains to be seen.
So I need some advice on the x wife. I think I know the answer but just wanted to validate. She has been very short, distant and not responding to me as quickly as she used to. For example, our daughters were home sick on Monday and I called her/texted as well just to see how they were doing. She responded like 8 hrs later. I actually had to call my oldest to get an update. Then Wednesday I sent her an email about some Bill's that we needed to divide up. We are pretty loosy goosey when it comes to that stuff as we each assume it wont be exactly 100% all the time. It took her two days to respond and when she did it was very business like. Which is normally not like her. Usually she is quicker to respond and friendly. Our oldest has a soccer game tomorrow and I asked her if she needed me to take her and she hasn't responded or acknowledged that either. On the financial piece I paid 45 extra bucks and she told me to deduct it from child support. Again, normally not like her. All of this has seemed to change when the dr gave my daughter some medicine to help with her allergies and after we had a sleep over as a family.
Maybe I am just reading way too much into anything and really my only concern is to keep a good co parenting relationship however she just seems veryshort, business like and distant more than she ever has,
Thoughts?
She’s feeling it. I don’t think it has to do with you, but when a mother feels somewhat “threatened” in their role or someone else tries to mother their children, it’s a tough pill to swallow at first. So she probably hates it, is dealing with it, but knows there isn’t anything she can do about because she knows her kids are fine.
It really stinks as a mother. It’s the hardest part of the divorce whether it was her decision to divorce or not.
Give her some space, it will blow over
Ok thanks, that was my plan. It does suck, I felt it when she started dating her bf. I am not doing anything on purpose but the dr giving her meds is one less dr visit that the x and I have to pay for. I dont ask the dr she just offers to do it. I mean it is what it is.....I have been feeling the vibes though.
I remember when I started dating B in the summer time that suddenly my ex-wife started showing up to help S25 with driving practice, cosigned to buy him a car, lurked in the shrubberies across the street in a completely non-threatening and innocent way.
Are there bushes across the street? Maybe keep an eye on them
What Ginger1 says though echos what I heard from a lot of my female friends. Your ex knows that she's not got any legitimate complaint but seeing you move on with the girls tagging along has got to be a kick in the karma for her.
LOL.....no buses. Hopefully it's just a little blip on the radar.
I think my youngest is struggling to cope with the D. She seems extra clingy, is scared to go to bed at night, at one point was sad for me because I was alone as when her and my youngest were not with me. Anyways, it makes me sad and touches on some anger as well. My oldest and her spent the night at a friends house on Saturday night and she woke them up in the middle of the night wanting them to call me. Maybe her seeing me and her mom with other people has touched some emotions in her as we move on with our lives. The X and I spoke about it this morning and she is going to talk to her school councilor first and we will go from there.
I just feel really bad for her.
its Possible it’s becoming more of a reality now . Maybe the sleepovers were a tad much for her. I would just give her the extra love and attention she might need right about now. Maybe you can do a daddy daughter activity individually with her. Perhaps she will open up to you. My daughter around your daughters age had a tough time with the D. And she hasn’t known anything different her whole life. The school actually made a little “lunch club” for children of divorce. It actually helped her immensely. Just be there for her and ask her some open ended questions. When I did that to my daughter she spilled all her feelings out like a waterfall
I think it is more of a reality now. I will tell the Dr. no more sleepovers until I can get her past this, not being scared at night. It could be her way of wanting my attention or not feeling secure with it which she doesn't know how to express. When I asked her why she was scared at night she told me she didn't know and was afraid that someone was going to come into her room while she slept. I asked her if that has ever happened before and she said "no".
Nothing new to report, the Dr. and I have our last kid free weekend for 3 months as our schedules are now off synch with the holidays. No wedding plans or engagement rings will be given for Christmas and we will be spending Thanksgiving a part as we both have commitments with our families and I will be traveling with my girls out of state to my parents house. Road Trip!!!!!
On a personal note I think I am finally starting to unpack a lot of feelings from my D and XW. Looking back I can now see how dysfunctional our R was and how unhealthy it was for me. I have finally started to feel as though my eyes are starting to open and I am starting to understand how much that R really messed me up. It has been very hard for me to be vulnerable with the DR as the way she loves and treats me is a far cry from how my XW treated me. I didn't understand when I was going through it but I was always chasing my XW and that chase is what fueled my attraction. I have not had to chase the Dr. and I have had to learn a more healthy way of loving and caring about another individual. Unpacking all of that has been hard but here recently I have started to feel my attraction levels really increase and feel more connected to her. I feel like I am really starting to feel and grow in a healthier way and becoming more attracted to who she is as a person, her femininity, her giving attitude, her being willing to follow, not playing the push and pull games. Not challenging me, always trying to get a rise out of me. I never knew what I was going to get from my XW on a day to day basis. It was a very unhealthy way to learn how to love someone.
I feel at peace now more than I ever have however I know I still have some things to work on but I feel that I am on the right path.
That's a great update J.
It does take time to unpack those feelings. With distance we can see clearly how dysfunctional it really was and how it wasn't meeting our needs. It creates great perspective on what healthy attachments are and sounds like you and the Dr are in the right spot with it. It's being clear headed.
We will all be working on things until the reaper comes, but I am sure you are in such a better place now. I am saying that cuz I know that I am too. Hope the D's are doing well.
BS,
First off it sounds like things are going really great with the Doc and I am so happy for you.
Correct me if I am wrong but in your posts it sounds like you sometimes miss the structure of the family? Even though you know your relationship was dysfunctional you think about what could have been if she put in the same work towards self improvement.
Am I off base?
Thanks dudes.
Yes, I do sometimes think about what could have been if she was willing (early on) but I know deep inside that will never happen. I know never is an absolute but she is who she is and that won't change. I think I have started to really begin to accept that and be a lot more comfortable with it. I miss the idea of our family for my daughters but that's really about it. It gets much easier as the days, weeks, months, and years pass. I also would not have grown without going through what I went through.
I think biggest emotion I feel is sadness that when I was in it, I didn't know any better. It was way too late for me when all the [censored] hit the fan. I had chance to save it when I didn't know I had a chance but when I didn't have a chance to save it I finally started to work on myself to save it. That's the frustrating part. It just wasn't meant to be but I am ok with that now.
I am not 100% out of the woods yet but I feel pretty close!
You sure you could have prevented it? I recently found out that my ex told her family it was she fell out of love. She’s emotionally to immature to understand that that can happen after being together 24 years. That’s hard to prevent. I know I did earlier in our marriage but I pushed through and it came back. I bet the majority of these sitches were destined to happen.
Well, you certainly have come a long way. I remember when what interested you in women were ones who played games. Who made you chase or had a challenge like herpes or something.
I think it’s great you have found love in someone who doesn’t play games, who doesn’t chase or need you to chase them. Consistently is very attractive too. Very happy for the two of you.
And sure, if my ex H wasn’t a Duck, we probably could have been happy together. If he valued and respected me, we would have made a great couple. But he didn’t. And I certainly couldn’t change that. I could only change what I accepted, but that didn’t mean that would change how he treated me
Thanks G....I am still learning and the DR/I have a ways to go but it is nice.
L - No, I couldn't have prevented it. In some ways I am glad that she just cut me off at the knee caps. Not sure I will ever understand why she didn't want to work on it together with counseling, etc. in the end it just wasn't met to be.
I agree, most where destined to happen. You just here a lot of stories of depression, messed up childhoods, etc. etc. that certainly make it very difficult to have a long lasting R. I know in my own my XW was never consistent emotionally, I never knew what I was going to get. It got worse the older she got as well.
Hey All......Thanksgiving was great, took a road trip to my parents house with the girls. They always love seeing Grandma and Grandpa. Not sure I would have made if not for them having technology! I have no idea what my parents did with me..............
The Dr. and I are still moving right along. No drama, just slow and easy however she is starting to pick up the pace on the marriage comments. Still no serious discussions though. I will leave that up to her
On a side note I am struggling on what to get her for Christmas. She is pretty hard to buy for as she gets herself whatever she wants for the most part. She is a very practical person, doesn't really splurge on herself however I am struggling in this department. The things I have bought her so far are pretty practical but items she would never buy herself like wireless Air Pods.
An engagement ring?? I can guarantee that’s exactly what she wants. So, whatcha going to do when she brings it up?
But seriously, for someone who has everything...... nothing beats an experience. Romantic weekend getaway. Buying her a hot dress to wear to an exclusive fancy restaurant where you managed to lock down the chef’s table. Cooking class for 2. We have one here that cooks a 5 course meal and then you sit down to eat it woth the wine you bought. It ain’t cheap either.
Something sentimental. Last Christmas I got in contact woth the photographer from his brothers wedding to get a canvas picture of him and his son at the wedding. Pretty sure he lost it in the fire.
Whatever you do, don’t get a prepackaged Godiva tin with a coffee mug and a package of hit chocolate. I still laugh when I drink out of that cup.
But really. She wants the engagement ring
LOL G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have got her a few things so far but all are just your standard, practical gifts. I got her some Air Pods, a couple of pillows she wanted, a wireless car charger for her phone, a new magazine clip for one of her guns (she sent me a picture of what she wanted). For her birthday back in May I got her a necklace but we had only been dating for like 4 months at the time. So yeah, just practical stuff so far. I was at her house last night and she has a ton of presents under the tree for me and the girls. I did get her son a couple of things that cost a total of around $100.
Buying clothes for women is really hard!
Oh engagement ring.................I mean gosh, whoa! I have started to think about it more and more but there are so many things we have not discussed yet. I just think we are finally starting to get to that point to where the both of us are feeling much more comfortable, letting our guards down, etc. At this point it's probably a game of chicken.
I am missing something romantic though. I did send her a huge bouquet of flowers for her office being open for 1 yr.
I’m just kidding. It’s just about to be a year, right? It could be on the radar, but when blending 2 families and 2 lives, I do think a lot needs to be discussed. And it seems as if that might be a bit much for your girls right now.
You definitely need to throw something romantic in there. I think every woman appreciates a beautiful piece of jewelry. Even if she could go out and buy it herself, there is something about it when someone else compliments it and you can say “my boyfriend bought it for me”
Yum, yeah technically January 16th was our first date. She makes comments like...."When you are 80 baby I wont' let you pull your pants up to your nipples". Comments like that happen fairly frequently. She has also told me directly that I am the one and she would never do anything of her doing to ruin our R. So really it's just a matter of time.
The kids are the one thing that is holding us back. We have been very lucky that for the most part our weekends have been aligned until now however we really have not spent a ton of time around each other's kids. That is the next step.
When I have my girls I do not see her at all during the week. When I don't have them I will go over to her place after her son goes to bed on Sunday nights and Tuesday nights then we spend the entire weekend together outside of breaks for my girls sporting events, errands we have to run, etc.
I thought about some earrings as she always wears her favorite pair. She also makes her own jewelrey as well so she is kind of picky.
Whatever you do, don’t get a prepackaged Godiva tin with a coffee mug and a package of hit chocolate. I still laugh when I drink out of that cup.
I’m not great at buying gifts but I’ve had my moments. But help a guy out who can occasionally be clueless - okay maybe more than occasionally... what’s the problem with the mug gift? Seems okay to me. Or was that it and nothing else - then I get it. Did M get you this or someone else?
I have got her a new magazine clip for one of her guns
Ha!!! Nothing says romance like a new clip for her gun - you romantic devil you. That is a smooth gift there big smooth.
As for the engagement ring, I was thinking about posting but then you wrote my thoughts yourself. You guys seem to be great at dating. You’re getting along well, etc. but I very much agree that you’ve not at all had the conversations that are very much needed about the things that derail too many couples. Need to be on the same age about kids, discipline, blending families, where to live, money and on and on. In many ways you are doing the easy part now. It gets way harder if you get married - way way harder.
If you think you might want to marry her as many here clearly think she wants, talking over and working out these many things over the next year really needs to be done. Have you guys even had a serious argument yet? How to you know how she handles disagreement? Getting to this level is a must before any rings. Then maybe a year from now... that’s my take anyhow.
A nice bracelet maybe?
And no, don't buy her clothes unless you are very sure of her size and style. There's just too many vagaries - for instance, I have a long torso and short legs. Shorter tops make me look like a box - longer tops accentuate my curves. I look awful in yellow - jewel tones look great on me. No guy is going to know those things.
Yo DH!!
No arguments yet. I do know she want's a pre-nup and won't be changing her last name. Not deal breakers for me.
There have been no other details discussed. I have assumed though that all financial accounts will be separate. Which is not a deal breaker for me either. I don't want or need her money as I don't want her to hold it over my head either as she did with her XH. While I make good money and I am certainly not a DR. so if she is going to hang it over my head and make little comments about her buying this and that then she needs to think about what is of equal value that I bring to the table.
Our parenting styles are very different. Her house is paid off and big enough for all of us however I also want it to feel like my home and my daughters as well.
It can't be all her's if that makes sense.
That is immediately on my radar.
I agree with G, she wants a ring. But, I agree with Don that now isn't the time. I also agree with kml….NO CLOTHES. And, here is the thing...you say she's practical and you have only bought her practical things. Speaking from another practical woman's point of view, I'm ALL about practical gifts. I love getting new cooking gadgets and that sort of thing as gifts. BUT, even practical women like pretty, shiny, sparkly, frilly things on occasion. Buy her a nice piece of jewelry. Or, like G suggested, get her an experience. Experiences are my favorite gifts. Kick up the romance a bit and don't just think practical. Don't just buy her things that she sends you pics of and says she wants. I mean, yeah, that is a great "hint", but go above that. I know Sparky bought me the new Pioneer Woman cookbook for Christmas because I said I wanted it (and I do....love me some PW), but I know he also bought something else because I picked up the mail the other day and there was a package that he was very secretive about. Surprises can be a good thing and don't necessarily have to be super expensive. G is right....the Godiva chocolates and mug.....that is just a big no. To answer Don's question "what is wrong with that": it is a checkout aisle last-minute purchase you would buy for the receptionist in your office or a co-worker that you are friendly (not necessarily actual friends) with, your child's teacher, the older lady at church who doesn't have much family so you just wanted to make her smile.....THOSE are the people that the Godiva chocolate mug is a great gift for. The woman you love should be more than an after-thought at the check stand. How's this for practical? One year for Christmas, my dad bought my mom a registered Brahma bull. He wanted a new herd bull and she thought Brahmas were pretty and dad knew they would throw pretty calves with our black white face herd. Talk about practical. And for the record....she liked it.
I'm not suggesting you go out and buy the nice dr. cows, but if you are going practical, think outside the box there too.
I agree about the clothes thing. So many many ways that can go wrong .... That's 26 years of marriage experience there
I still remember my son at about 6 wanting to buy his mother a pair of size small PJs (She's 4' 11") and the smiles from the other shoppers when I gently suggested that she would be very flattered but perhaps we should look at the large.
IMO - similar to what Ginger1 has said - the best gift of all is time. Cadet keeps going on about it here after all
A nice weekend / mid-week getaway for just the two of you. Having flowers sent to the room seems to be popular as well along with a bit funny because both with B and S they were initially completely clueless that they were because of me and weren't just a courtesy of the hotel.
Some way to give her your time and attention. A way to give her time for herself. Time for just the two of you.
Time is a funny thing. Everyone says that they are short of it but there is an inexhaustible quantity constantly being made.
Thanks everyone, I have been Googling all morning. She bought a table at an annual fundraising event she goes to every year and it is for an organization that uses animals to help heal and provide emotional support for victims of sex trafficking. So I found this organization called Nightlight International that gives employment to women who seek an alternative to that industry. They teach them how to make jewelry and run their own business.
Does that qualify as something a little more special???
I bought some earrings.....sorry I left that out.
Sounds like a great gift to me and supporting a good cause that means something to the dr. to boot. THAT is how you give meaningful gifts!
ok cool......i also got her a Harry Potter Christmas ornament as that is her favorite! I can say something corny about getting her an ornament every year we are together. Girls love that stuff!