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Still figuring things out

Posted By: Ginger1

Still figuring things out - 08/05/19 05:28 PM

Previous Thread:

Still figuring it all out

Iíve decided Iím not really going to post much anymore because I have a fear of my thread being found. It seriously worries me.

To answer some questions in my last thread, living together but apart would not be something I am interested in. I am broke as a joke and house poor. If we were long long term, it would be stupid for the both of us to be like that. Housing and living costs are astronomical and Iím barely staying a float here.

Could I accept not getting married? Absolutely. I donít need the paper. I would like to live as a married couple on day, but I donít need the wedding.

On that note, his son said to me the other day again ď ginger you are are going to be my bonus mom!Ē I told him I would love to be . He said ďyou will soonĒ does this kid know something I donít?

Things have been going well with us. Iím happy. Work has been awful and I havenít been sleeping and I could just fall asleep at my desk. Iíve really committed to living a healthier lifestyle finally. I just donít feel good.

Like I mentioned, Iím also having money issues. My expenses have been skyrocketing Iíve got to take the time and comb through the budget and expenses. If it could keep my eyes open once I get home from work. My housekeeping is way behind. I chose to do something fun with M and his son yesterday when I should have been cleaning. I chose Saturday night to hang out at my friends house when I should have been cleaning. But I need to enjoy life.

Iím supposed to start working out with my friend tonight when I drop off D11 at cheer practice. But Iím so tired and so behind. I also work this weekend.

Iím seriously over stress and stretched so thinly. Itís so hard to keep up with everything and have the energy to do it . There isnít enough hours in the day or energy in my body.

I do honestly envy people who have parents and sibling to help and a husband at home. Iíve been surviving this for 12 years now, but Iím tired. I used to pay for some help in the form of precooked meals or a cleaning service once a month. But I canít afford it now.

Sorry for the whining. I really am happy and fortunate. Iím just totally overwhelmed and I think itís taking a bit of a toll on my health.

Iím going to go get a cup of coffee now to help keep me awake
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/06/19 09:25 AM

(((hugs))). I know the feeling gf, know it well. sleep will make this more manageable. I know that if I can just get one good night's sleep, it all seems somehow magically better the next day.

I too worry about my thread being found.
Posted By: ballast

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/06/19 09:54 AM

Hang in there Ginger!

Yep, I've felt the same way about being found, but that was more during my BD/divorce days. I think it's more likely that we feel self concious of posting our deepest thoughts to the world at large than it is that we'd ever be found out/identified. Definitely get the feeling though.

That's an interesting and encouraging comment from his son! I'd wager most of us could fall asleep at our desk or anywhere else for that matter at any time! LOL

You are definitely not alone in feeling as you do, heck most of us share the same daily struggles. Good for you enjoying life and going out and doing fun stuff with M and son and your friends! Cleaning will always be there, do what you can as you can and allow yourself to let it go.

Also go workout. Heck I go and find myself yawning as I do it, BUT it will make you feel better and when you finally lay down to rest it will help you de-stress and pass out cold asleep which is a great thing.

We all have those same struggles. Actually reading your post reminds me to know that I'm not the only one feeling all that stuff on a daily basis.

Keep on going G!

-B
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/06/19 11:13 AM

Thank you guys, for the understanding words. I really do need sleep and Iím just not getting it right now. My air conditioner is on the first, it makes so much noise and wakes me up every 2 min. I am a very light sleeper. I have so much on my mind, finances and the such. Iím exhausted with the first job but could really use a second.

I figure the cleaning will always be there, my house isnít dirty, it could just be decluttered a bit. Who cares? I did go to my friends house last night and we did a peloton spin class last night while D 11 was at cheer. It felt good. We are all doing another tonight . Exercise used to be a very main focus in my life and itís been way on the back burner . Itís always been my ďmeĒ time and stress relief.

I did get out of work in time for once yesterday and I passed out for 20 min when I got home. Woke up, cooked both of us our respective dinners and sent D11 off to cheer. Then she went to a sleepover after.

I got everything brand new at once. A boyfriend, a house, and a dog, a second job which became my new first job. Itís been a rebalancing act for sure.

As far as the bf goes, while things are going well, it seems as if he invites along for family time with the kids, and I do the alone time inviting. I decided not to do that this week. Iíd like him to do it for a change, and he very well may not. But a 180 for me is not asking when o realize he wonít. And if he doesnít, more me time , I guess.

The dog is crying at me again. I have a toddler . Maybe thatís why I am so exhausted
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/06/19 05:29 PM

Decided to take a break even though we are in ďcrisisĒ mode at work today. But I need to take a rest for a moment.

I am full of anxiety today. Which isnít my norm. I just feel like crying.

My coworker who is the sweetest thing ever, but talks way too much is quitting her job to move to another state to help her daughter with her children. She confides in me, releases her stress on me, and leans to me for opinions and help. She canít wait to help her daughter, be with her grandchildren, etc.

And I find myself so incredibly jealous. I wish I had a mother who was alive and well who wanted to give me a hand and enjoyed it. I wish For it so bad. Going through all of this alone is HARD. No guidance from a mom, no help from mom, sibling, or anything. I love my dad, he is retired, but doesnít come and help. Heís an hour and a half away and I see him maybe once a month. Heís living his own life.

It stinks. And as far as M..... heís going through his own headache right and hasnít asked me much about myself lately. I hinted to him Iím struggling a bit and he didnít have anything to offer.

Feeling alone stinks.
Posted By: kml

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/06/19 06:39 PM

At least you've got all of us! (((hug)))
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/07/19 01:12 AM

Originally Posted by kml
At least you've got all of us! (((hug)))


Thank you! Iím still here for all these years because of that. Itís been such a hard journey, with lots of ups and downs. Somedays I didnít know if I would make it, and I came here and I felt like someone understood.

I donít share this with M. He has a different kind of problem in his divorce and heís kind of knee deep in it. I donít really share with my friends, but they know. I donít share with my dad because it upsets him when I struggle

Iím in a down time. Iíve been crying. But I did get to my friends house and exercise tonight. I am making eggplant parm for the first time. I got a little cleaning done. I still havenít asked M to do anything and he hasnít asked me because he is some sort of conflict. The crappy part for me is I just kind of need him to hold me. And it ainít going to happen

Tomorrow night will be a nice catching up on house work and drinking wine night . Me and the crazy dog.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/07/19 01:16 AM

(((((HUGS)))))
Posted By: ballast

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/07/19 09:46 AM

So you worked out, got some cleaning done, made eggplant parm and had a cry. All of that sounds like part of a good day to me. I am very lucky to have my folks around to give me a hand and give me guidance, but you know what? ultimately even with that blessing all of my life still boiled right back down to me and getting on through it. I had them in my corner and even still I'd be looking up at God and all the crap he was throwing into my life and just laughing a bit at how comically I felt like he had just thrown the kitchen sink of difficulty at me and was only going to throw more.

Feeling alone does stink, but as kml says you do have us and many times this place and the folks on it helped me to push on through. You'll do the same Ginger, cry it out when you have to, but keep on going. I saw this over on Gerda's thread a week or so ago. When my initial foray into OLD was ending with new girl and I was struggling a bit it really gave me a good kick when I needed it, thought maybe you'd like it as well:

"Last night I was getting something to eat and while waiting noticed this man, very handsome, covered with tattoos, because his neck tattoo said, "Deliver us from evil." So I asked him if he prays that prayer, and he said yes, and I said I was battling a lot of evil and said that prayer everyday. And he said, "You are a warrior, you aren't a victim. Don't fear suffering because you are a warrior, and suffering is what makes you strong."

Hang in there G!

-B
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/07/19 02:03 PM

Sorry G.....I don't have any words of wisdom maybe some questions about M but you are a big girl smile

I would just encourage you to do things for yourself that help make you feel good about yourself. I am not a naturally confident man however the gym fills that void for me. The only thing I would recommend is ensuring you are making time to exercise on a daily basis.

Hang in there!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/08/19 12:26 PM

Thanks J. My mood is improving a little . M and I went out last night ( he asked me) and we had a great time. He apologized for being distant this week and told me he appreciates how understanding Iíve been. Today itís been 11 months! Itís really been a great year in so many ways, and I hope to have many more great years with him.

My dad offered to get me a cleaning service once a month. I might take him up on it. I just cannot keep up with everything and my messy house is making me anxious. I canít wait to get out of work and go home and clean. After I cook dinner and drop D off at cheerleading of course.

I know Iíll be fine, I go through this every now and then when it all becomes too much.

Iím joining the gym by best friend goes to and teaches at along with my Dís best friendís mom. Itíll be a good motivator . Iím going to organize my life and make time for it. I get the mommy guilt when I go like Iím not spending enough time with D. Then I remember sheís more into her friends and is fine with me being gone for an hour and a half.
Tomorrow Iím taking her and her friend to the pool. Itíll be fun
Posted By: ballast

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/08/19 12:44 PM

Great update G!

Awesome that you had a great time with M!

If your Dad is offering to get you the cleaning service, TAKE IT!! LOL For both of my ex's we had cleaning services and it took a HUGE load of anxiety off of each of them and by extension was wonderful for me and our relationship. It was money very well spent and coming home to a cleaned house that you don't have to do anything with is a wonderful relief.

-B
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/08/19 01:20 PM

G... I have someone come in once a month to wash my floors and clean my bathrooms. She is coming this Friday and I am so looking forward to coming home after work on Friday to a clean home knowing there is nothing I HAVE to do. If your dad is offering you this once-a-month experience - take it!!! You will be so glad you did.

Great to hear you are feeling more positive and that M stepped up and asked you out without you having to say anything. laugh
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/08/19 02:42 PM

Glad you and M had a nice evening. It is obvious that he does care for you very much. He is just wired differently from you. I found it interesting, on Andrew's recent threads, that someone (may have even been you, don't remember) mentioned settling. They pointed out that Andrew had kind of been making "excuses" for B for sometime (she's not as well read, but; she's unorganized, but; etc). When I read that, I actually thought of you and M too. I know y'all care for each other, love each other, have a good thing going and I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong. I just want you to not settle. You deserve the best and I hope M is giving you what you need. He does seem like a really good guy and he obviously has a future in mind with you if he's telling his son about "bonus mom". That's a GREAT sign.

Try to relax and focus on having some you time. D11 is getting to that age where she will be more interested in hanging with her friends than hanging with you anyway, so use some of that time for yourself. You definitely deserve it. And stop feeling guilty. I know that is easier said than done, but you are a grown woman who works hard and takes care of a house, a pre-teen and a "toddler" dog. It's ok to want and need a break from that occasionally so give yourself permission to have quality time for yourself without guilt. It really is ok.

As far as the cleaning service, I agree with everyone else. Go for it! Please don't be like my mother though. When I was growing up and she worked full time, she hired a cleaning lady, but then my mom would clean the house before the cleaning lady showed up EVERY. D@MN. TIME. because she didn't want the lady to think less of her. HUH? LOL Don't do that!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/08/19 09:22 PM

Hahaha! I used to have a cleaning service in my old house once a month. And I always did the clean before the clean! I canít justify it in my budget now, but yes, someone to come in and do the deep cleaning would help tremendously. And I think I will take my dad up on that offer.

Iíve been really trying to make a focus on the ďmeĒ time. I need it. I did a good job this week, but now my house is suffering so Iíll take care of that tonight.

I can say I am in no way settling for M . The love is real, we love to spend time together we do have a lot of the same views on things although we do things differently at times. And those differences are ok. What I am learning is he is hearing me. And I am hearing him. I put in effort to be more understanding of his time, and he puts in the effort to spend more time with me. Communication works!

I see a real future with us. How itís exactly going to look, I donít know. But Iím excited for it
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/09/19 12:23 AM

and I'm excited for you {{{{{{{Ginger1}}}}}}} xoxoxoxoxo
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 12:18 AM

Well, my weekend was decent even though I worked yesterday. Friday I had off and I took D11 and her friend to lunch and the pool and they had a good time. Got some house work done too. After work yesterday M came over and we were both beat so we hung out at my place and he stayed over. Today I mowed most of my lawn until my lawnmower decided to be stupid. I gave up and went to my cousins for Dinner. Iíve got 4 days of work then Iím off for 4 days. Friday night I have my cousins 40th birthday dinner. We are a family of foodies so we are hitting up some of the best places in China town. I forgot Mís son was away so invited him but he had a scheduled FaceTime call with his S. Iím a plus one finally, but am going to be an extra wheel. Because o the lack of flexibility. Stinks for me, but even more so for him, I feel bad. He might come the best day to my dads with D11, her friend and I for some beach fun and stay over night.

Things are moving along. Still pretty stressed and pressed for time and behind in life, but thatís my norm I guess. That isnít getting any better anytime soon. Only crazier when school and cheer are in full swing!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 01:43 PM

I shared with M this morning my feelings of stress and overwhelm. Well, I regret doing that. His answer was ď life ainít easy, Iíll be burning both ends this week repairing this pipe thingĒ

Life ainít easy? No poop. I am aware.

Well, wonít be sharing my feelings with him anymore. He really canít see past his own life. He thinks I do have it easy because I donít have issues with my baby daddy.

Iíll just fake it until I make it from now on. I feel stupid for sharing with him. My ex used to make me feel the same way. Iím usually a pretty chipper laid back kind of person who is always laughing and cracking jokes. So no one expects me to be down or have any struggle.

Maybe Iím being dramatic.

Oh well, off to a totally unmanageable case load at work today!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 01:52 PM

Sorry G....I guess M needs to learn how to listen and validate smile
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 02:05 PM

Amen to that! Iím like the ultimate validater Wouldnít hurt to get a little in return .

Eh. Iíll validate my own darn feelings
Posted By: JujuB

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 02:11 PM

I think I was the one that talked about settling on Andrews thread. Itís cause I have done it my whole life. IRL I am mellow and easy going and end up adapting to all sorts of crazy personalities and it carries over in my romantic relationships - where I put up with things that are either not good for me or perhaps with people Iím not compatible. Not because I need someone or canít be alone, more because I just have higher thresholds for dysfunction for some reason.

In fact, a while back when I talked about it on here someone recommended a book to me about how middle age women really hurt themselves by not settling and working through issues. And how we miss out by expecting a form of perfection that might not exist.

So on one hand, itís true. People are not perfect. Relationships are not perfect. We do have to be willing to accept flaws. On the other hand, we have to be willing to look at when something is not working and be able to walk away. Thatís just as hard for people like us too cause we are not the self serving types. But maybe need to be a bit more like that.

And I am not by any means suggesting that for ginger and M. Cause relationships are hard and require work and effort and self awareness. And because ginger has very deep chemistry and feelings for M. (That I didnít have with the guys I was settling for). Ginger, have you had the time to talk to a counselor? Would it be something he would be willing to try in the future?
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 05:38 PM

You are correct juju. I also have a high tolerance and am able to adapt to everyone.

Relationships sure are hard work. Not everything is going to be just how we like it all the time. And I do see our R as working, even if this kind of hurts. But itís him. Heís kind of sucked into his own little world right now. People often also take for granted the fact that if you met me from the outside I seem to completely have my sh!t handled and donít struggle. My own fault maybe?

My best friend knew exactly how to support me. Validated me and then asked what she could do to help me tomorrow. In Mís defense, he is helping me with a task on. Wednesday and I uber appreciate it.

I am willing to accept his flaws. I sure have them too and I imagine he is accepting them right now.

I was seeing a counselor for 2 years and then stopped about a year ago. I just had no time. And now my health insurance is different and I don't know she is covered. She is within walking distance of my current job. I should make time to go back. It helped just to have a supportive 3 rd party who validated and helped me help myself. Something I should do again.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 06:33 PM

I wasn't sure who posted about settling and I didn't have time to sift through all of Andrew's posts to find it again, but my point was/is that is something you just have to look out for. G, I do NOT think you are settling for M and I'm sorry if my comments implied that. I think the two of you just have some fundamental differences in how you deal with others and emotions. M is likely less demonstrative and touchy feely than you (which tends to be typical of men anyway) where you are one to reach out. Your exchange this morning shows that. I am sorry he didn't respond in the way you needed him to, but I'm not sure he is able to do that, at least right now. I would imagine, based on things you have told us, that he is just too wrapped up in all his baby mama drama to see much farther than himself at this point.

Now, having said all of that, if you are still coming back here in say, 5 years, and you are still having the same issues, at that point, I would say that is settling. I don't think people fundamentally change WHO they are, but in this case, I don't think it is so much about WHO M is as his responses and attitudes are more about all the crap on his plate. And, you are right, you come across as a very strong, very put together, very "I got this" kind of woman and I wonder on occasion if that might not be a tad intimidating to M and he doesn't even realize that it is. I'm speculating, of course, since I don't know either of you.

I think you and M have something nice going. I don't think either of you are settling. I just think you handle things differently and like you said above, you have to learn to accept those things just as he has to learn to accept things about you. Sparky and I have some similar issues. I don't vent to Sparky a lot, but when I do, I need something that validates and comforts me. Sparky's go to response is "bummer, dudette" or "that [censored]" and then changing the subject. Yeah, I need more. We've talked about it and we are kind of at an understanding now that when I'm reaching out in a way that I require something more than bummer dudette, I just preface whatever I say with something like "I really need a hug" or something that lets him know that I'm feeling particularly in need of more support in that moment.

As far as counseling, I'm sure you have checked it out, but in my previous job, our insurance offered a thing called the employee assistance program which offered us access to counseling to help with different issues. I used it when I went through my divorce and it was amazing. I truly wouldn't have gotten through all that as well as I did without my counselor. I have actually had access to this same thing with 2 different employers, though both were state-based agencies so that may be where the similarity comes in. Anyway, like I said, I'm sure you have checked and I don't know if this is even a thing where you work, but it is worth looking into. In both cases when I had it, the insurance company paired me with a trained, licensed counselor in my area and set up the first appointment, then I set up the subsequent ones and I was even allowed to take my XH the first time around when I went through it (my issues then were related to his medical trauma) and they offered to allow me to bring our daughters as well, though none of them ever wanted to go. I do recall the last time I went through it, my insurance would only pay for like 10 sessions, but the counselor told me if I needed more she would work it out with me. I didn't even use all 10. Anyway, sorry for rambling and hijacking your page, but it is certainly worth checking on. You need to take care of yourself!!!!!!!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 07:44 PM

You are so right dawn. He is so mired in his own stuff, he canít see outside of it.

And he just backed out of helping me Wednesday, something we have been planning for a few weeks now because he has to take care of something else. I told him not to worry about me when he said he was doing what he had to do on med. he said ďIíll try to help, but Iím sure you can manage on your ownĒno sorry. This was his answer after I told him I have been struggling.

I said donít bother. You take care of your sh!t Iíll take care of mine.

Nice.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 08:42 PM

I need an opinion. I am truly upset. Everything is always about him, I am always supportive? Validating, and I am what he needs me to be to help him get through.

The ONE day I try to share about my struggles he turns it in to him. Then I conducted an experiement and validated everything he was saying about himself. And he not once asked about me, how was my day. When I told him I was stressed this morning. And he backs out like no big deal out of what he was going to help me with.

I really want to say something. I think he should how what is is doing makes me feel. Truth is Iím scared. Iím scared he will flip it on me, scared of I donít even know what.

But I have to change these patterns . They have to change. I need to stop being afraid about talking about what upsets me instead of worrying if Iím justified in feeling the way I do.
Posted By: job

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 08:52 PM

Ginger,

Maybe you need to stop being so available to him when he needs help w/things. If you aren't available to help him once in a while, it might give him pause to think about his behavior. His behavior may be one of the reasons that he's divorced and having to deal w/an xw.

I might be wrong, but I do not think he's going to change, this is him and I think that if you speak to him about how you felt, it might just roll off his back because whatever he's doing, it's all about him at the moment. He's just too caught up into his world and isn't thinking about what you need at the moment.

Don't contact him for a day or so and leave him to his mess. Allow him to come to you. Time for him to realize that you are the prize and if he wants you in his life, he better start listening and validating you too.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 08:54 PM

G.....tbh, based on what you write, i have always thought it was about his needs. I think I might have told you I felt like he was high maintenance before.

The pattern will continue if you dont speak your truth and you will continue to get more and more frustrated. If communicating your needs to him is a dealbreaker for him then it is not meant to be but you need to understand that.

I would just suggest you calm down and communicate in a positive way that is not attacking before you approach.

You feel how you feel.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 09:09 PM

Job is absolutely correct. He's not going to change. It's who he is.

One thing that we can lose sight of here is that we're the ones that have "done the work", examined our entrails, discussed and followed the community wisdom of what works and what doesn't. 99% of the rest of the world hasn't.

If you don't think he's "getting it" - that's because he's not. He doesn't have the same set of tools that you have built up over the years both by practicing it yourself and by helping others here and presumably IRL.

Over the past couple of years, I'd like to think that I've gotten to know you somewhat. You alternate between the brash "tell it like it is" gal and the one who walks on eggshells and is afraid of upsetting or offending people. You certainly at least from this viewpoint seem to be trying to not break any eggs.

I do think that one thing all of us who are considering re-partnering need to keep in mind is that generally speaking, all of us who are out there are damaged goods of one sort or another. "Land of the misfit toys" I believe that someone once called the mature dating scene.

I know that you are a loving and caring person. I also know that you have a number of insecurities about all sorts of things and being brushed off absolutely doesn't help that. M is undoubtedly dealing with a cr@p load of stuff himself.

As job suggests, while you can count on M for practical things most of the time, the sort of emotional support you need is something that he doesn't have the bandwidth for right now and perhaps doesn't even have the tools to do what you are wanting him to do.

I don't know what the answer is though.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 10:08 PM

You are all so right. I married a man where it was all about his world and mine meant nothing. I married a man who left me in the middle of my others wake because ďhe had friends coming over for a BBQĒ I thought it was different with M. While he would never take it to that extreme, I guess a part of me feels it happening again. And when I truly needed my ex through IVf and my pregnancy, he ran into the arms of another woman. So my track record of needing something from someone hasnít left me in such a hot position.

And yes, I believe I have tools he never gained from his witch. Being here has really armed me with those for new Rís. And yes, Job, I do think a part of this had to do with his divorce. He does mean well, I think he is oblivious to it, and I am scared of how he will react when I point it out. But as J said, if his reaction is bad over this, it tells me a lot.

I am going to take a little bit of all your approaches. I actually cut him off in the middle of him telling me about his kayaking trip with his buddy yesterday ( yup, Sunday without a kid was a day he kayaked well into the night) and I said ďIím out of work, Iím going to go attack my to do list, talk to you lateĒ his response was ďenjoyĒ I have no intentions of reaching out to him until he comes to me. I need the focus to be on ME. But when he does come o me, I am calmly tell him how his actions made me feel. He needs to know, whether or not itís something he will ever change, who knows. Is it only because he is so deep in his own poop? Or is this him? Time will tell.

I do love him. But I want a partner. One I can lean on when I need it.
Posted By: HaWho

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 10:33 PM

Ginger - sorry to hear you are stressed.

I think you should use this as a sort of test. We all need to be in relationships where we can communicate our needs and have them met. If you are often presenting as strong and ďI have everything under controlĒ then he may think all is good. But of course when you communicate you are stressed and then he does meet your needs, itís probably time to communicate and see what is under the surface.

I suggest you think about what you need from him and communicate it clearly. If he canít do this, you have someone who is probably not compatible: maybe because of his divorce or maybe he doesnít have the goods.

But, maybe with clear/kind communication he can step up to the plate!

You donít know until you probe. You may want to ask if you are meeting his needs. There may be things you do that he does not need while he prefers other things. I think relationships require request status updates on both sides.

It is not about him mind reading what you need. Itís about how you two work through problems.

Hope things settle for you...
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 10:42 PM

G...I dont think him kayaking with his buddy would be an issue if you felt secure in the R. There is some need of yours that he is not meeting which I think is the driver of all of this. Then when he doesnt validate properly makes the situation worse.

We all have baggage and try as you might to overcome how he conducts himself could very well work for someone else.

That said you have indicated before that when you bring him something he rises to the occasion so hopefully more of the same will follow.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/12/19 11:27 PM

Oh, the kayaking doesnít bother me at all. Friend time is so healthy. I get my share too. What bothers me is when he was rejecting me on sundays he told me Sunday's are his day to get stuff done and prepare for the week and rest because heís so tired. I have zero insecurities about his time with his friends. The going against what he said to me is what irks me about his buddy time.

He does rise to the occasion even when I tell him how I feel and he kind of pushes back on it. Maybe he will do with too.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/13/19 12:04 AM

Is this a one time occurrence on sundays? Maybe he made an exception because it was fun.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/13/19 12:30 AM

Not gonna lie... the Sunday thing would bother me too. Obviously there are situations when he is fine to break his rule so it isnít as carved in stone as he led you to believe. Some people are just different in relationships. I donít know if it is a gender thing or not. Iím someone who, when Iím in a relationship, includes the other person in most, if not all, parts of my life. Donít get me wrong, itís not like I invite my significant other to every event in my life but I will blend them if it makes sense. Some people seem to compartmentalize more and it is hard not to take things personally if you happen to be in an R with one of those people. Has he ever made an exception for you on a Sunday? For instance, if you havenít been able to see each other all week, has he suggested you get together on that day or is it just a hard rule. I would have a difficult time with any hard rule TBA. Life just isnít like that and it seems somewhat controlling to me.

I would also be upset about him backing out on you and not a) apologizing profusely and b) trying to come up with a way to help you or make up for it somehow. What it sounded like he said was ďoh well...no big deal...Ē. Clearly from what you said, it was a bigger deal than that. At the very least, you should let him know and tell him how much it upset you just to have your needs tossed aside in favour of his own.

I agree with everyone about it being important to work things out in a relationship and ask for what you want/need. I also think that people have some pretty set personality traits that make it more difficult to be in a relationship with them. In the beginning of a relationship, we are at our maximum capacity for tolerance thanks to all the love hormones but over time, the things we once saw as ďquirkyĒ or ďcuteĒ or ďa bit annoying but tolerableĒ become everything but. We also tend to be at maximum capacity for helpfulness. I.E. Happy to go out of our way to help the other person out or do things for them. IDK either of you but from your description, it sounds as if M only does this if it suits him and he doesnít do it happily. Is this enough for you?

Anyway...it is your life. You know yourself and what you need. I am confident you will figure things out in the long run. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/13/19 10:11 AM

I just saw your post basho. Thanks for stopping by! The thing I really want to change this time around is how we solve problems. Or how I solve problems for that matter. I usually just shut up and let it pass and discard my own feelings. How unhealthy is that?!! Didnít work too well for me in my M. And when I came out with my feelings, my ex found someone else. But thatís not how it supposed to go. And I shouldnít worry about it now.

Iíve gotten to sleep on this. Iím obviously less angry. But I donít want to chicken out of saying something. I dodnbreak down and send him a ďhiĒ text last night. Shouldnít have done that. Should have done what job said and let him come to me. He did ask how I was, then he told me he was tired and going to bed. All I said was ďok, goodnightĒ and he came back with a ďgoodnight baby, I love you!Ē

I think I know he does have very good intentions unlike my ex. He just canít see past his own crap.
He also gets so overwhelmed when he has an unplanned for task. Itís all he can see.

Dean I- When we first started dating, he was different of course . On our 4th date he offered to use his truck to help me pick up my hard wood floors. Didnít realize it was a ton! He also helped me bring it in to my new home! He helped me move. When I became overwhelmed . He spent sundays with me.. but he did stay with me during my surgery. He took the whole day putting in new outlets for my house. Heís excited to do my shed project sundays now he spends only when he has his S and we do something together . And I love doing things all together.

I needed him this week. But the things he has to fix is very important. Itís his reaction was what I didnít like.

The things is. Heís the one. There are so many good things. But I need to be able to communicate with him. And thatís on me. I need to fix this about me. But he also needs to realize the world doesnít revolve around him and his issues.

On two other notes. My daughter came home from cheer practice very upset. I actually left early to pick her up to watch too. They took her favorite position away from her. And then , once again, this happens every year, they stuck her in the back. Mind you, my daughter is the shortest. Not only did they put her in the back, they put the two talent in front of her. I go to watch at the games and you canít even see her. Iím debating if I should say something to the coaches. Itís rev cheerleading, not competition. Let her family at least be able to see her when they come watch. I validated her feelings, I let her vent and she really confided in me. I felt so bad.

And the. My ex forgot I needed him this Friday night to take D. Itís fine, I reminded him and he coan take her. I said ďthat would have stunk if you forgot and we didnít have this convoĒ he said ďwe always ask it work somehowĒ which was nice to hear. And we do. And Iím fortunate. And I know M is jealous. But I donít think he is aware of the journey to get where I am, what I have endured, or what I emotionally sacrificed to do so. He only is aware of him and his sitch.

Ugh. Today is another day. I made my bedroom awesome yesterday, doing so much organizing. Tonight my project is my extra room off the living roo . D11 puts her desk there and my dad is getting her a new one for her b day. This morning before work Iíll scrub the bathroom.

Donít think I mentioned that M kind of had something to say about my house keeping skills. That set me off too. He lives with his mommy and only has to worry about his room. I am one person doing absolutely everything with a full time job and my kid most of the time. Something has to give sometimes. The other day I was so full of love for him, these last 2 days heís really pissing me off. But donít get me wrong. Great guy, good intentions. Just comes off oblivious some of the time. And his timing isnít so hot right now.
Posted By: ballast

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/13/19 11:37 AM

Ginger...it's great that you realize the importance of speaking out with your feelings instead of keeping it within and discard them. I was the same way with my ex and I see now how that was unhealthy. Thing is I also get the worry that if you do express your feelings, your partner might just rebel and go find someone else. That fear that by being your real self and expressing yourself it might cause your partner to leave...it shouldn't be like that and I've learned that if/when I do express myself and my partner can't deal with it, then it's for the best that our relationship end as they weren't the right person for me.

I was talking to a girl recently who said "I want to be a priority and not a conveinence". From what you've said of M, I get the sense he is more closed into his own world and when not conveinent for him, it's his way only. Living with his Mommy, needing his Sundays, etc...no matter his great traits that would be a concern to me. Also now maybe you're not super comfortable at expressing your feelings and needs, but to me it sounds more like he has the greater work to do on the communication with you or more accurately the compromising and adjusting some of his actions based upon the feelings you communicate to him. You say "I need to fix this". Fair you have you're own things to work on, I just think you fixing you, doesn't fix the overall issue.

Just sounds like to me you and M are still working to sort out the needs and feelings each of you have AND how to be able to communicate those to each other and work together so that each of you gets what you needs. And for whatever reason, yep us guys can come off completely oblivious from time to time. Most men don't intentionally try to be that way, usually we do have the best of intentions, but there will be times where we'll be clueless when you think we should know. I saw this one video online and the guy was like "He's gonna pluck your last nerve and he's gonna do it over, and over and over again...and he ain't even gonna know he's doing it." Definitely accurate, just when stuff happens, be straight up and tell him. Don't be afraid how your true feelings might affect him.

-B
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/13/19 11:51 AM

G....is he an only kid? Does his mommy still take care of him?
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/13/19 01:26 PM

Hey Ginger,

I understand that M not validating you and/or making an effort for quality time hurts you every time it happens, and it certainly needs to be addressed because it will likely lead to death of a million cuts..

I wanted to reply because I don't think it will be effective to address a single instance of when he failed to do so, i.e. - when I told you I was feeling overwhelmed you should have ...

Pre DB, I did not have the knowledge to understand validating or the importance of making an effort to fulfill my p love language.

All that to say that I think you should sit him down, let him know how important validating, quality time, etc is to you and give him information on what those things are. Talk about it a little and give him literature on validating (I think there is good info in a sticky in beginners, maybe there's a book) and give him a copy of the 5 love languages. I think you need to make it clear to him how important that your forever partner understand these things and make an effort to implement them.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/13/19 01:33 PM

^^ what Coconut said.

xoxoxo {{{Ginger1}}}
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/13/19 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by Ginger1


Donít think I mentioned that M kind of had something to say about my house keeping skills. That set me off too. He lives with his mommy and only has to worry about his room. I am one person doing absolutely everything with a full time job and my kid most of the time. Something has to give sometimes. The other day I was so full of love for him, these last 2 days heís really pissing me off. But donít get me wrong. Great guy, good intentions. Just comes off oblivious some of the time. And his timing isnít so hot right now.





OH H3LL to the NAW, NO ONE gets to talk about someone's housekeeping. You don't like something, pick up a broom, or a sponge, roll up your sleeves and help or shove the broom where the sun don't shine and the sponge in your pie-hole.

That's NOT ok. EVER. ESPECIALLY when Mommy is taking care of the heavy lifting for him.

(Disclaimer: that's a HUGE sore spot for me as exh only ever criticized and rarely helped. sorry)
Posted By: JujuB

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/13/19 01:49 PM

So just want to point out here

First off, you have to remember. You are the catch. Seriously. Look at all you do, who you are, and what you offer someone.

It sounds like M. Has some great qualities, but maybe lacking in relationship skills that require active listening and communication, and compromise? You do have these qualities but when itís one sided itís not always enough. I get the fear of communicating your feelings, and expressing your needs to someone after being left for doing so. Itís what I went through and something I struggle with as well. But I think that if you canít do that with someone it will lead to a lot of resentment and anger and unhealthy actions (game playing - making him call first, modified silent treatments)

And hereís the thing - if you do express your needs and communicate when your unhappy and he argues or twists things or ignores or goes into hiding - the good thing is that it gives you some important information early on.

And butterflyís comments about housekeeping are spot on. I went through that too. Little critiques gradually build.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/13/19 03:33 PM

Totally agree with butterfly and Juju on the housecleaning thing. I would be hard pressed to NOT ask him who the h3ll he thinks he is and to point out that not everyone can live with their mother and have everything taken care of for them, but then again, I can be terribly petty.

Honestly, G, the more you say and the more I think about it, what worries me is that you keep trying to "fix" things that aren't really yours to fix. HE is the one who brushed you off when you needed him. HE is the one who is closed off from communication. You worry about saying what you need/want for fear of his reaction, which I totally understand given your past, but all of that stuff is HIS to fix. You can't fix him or change him or whatever. You can only discuss your needs with him and hope that he is open, understanding, receptive. One of the things that you said yesterday in one of your posts that really stood out to me was that, in the past, when you have specifically sat him down and told him something, he's stepped up. That jumped out to me because it made me wonder if he continued to step up on that issue or if he stepped up when you mentioned it but then went back to his "old" pattern of not stepping up. Does that make sense? I think Juju hit the nail on the head. M has some great qualities, but necessary relationship skills like active listening, communication, compromise are not among those qualities...for whatever reason. It is something you have to work at and whether he's never been given the tools or just chooses not to use them, the fact is, he is lacking in those areas.

It is likely easier for all of us who have done the work to recognize when our partners haven't or lack particular knowledge, but I still contend that people don't change who they inherently are. While M appears to be a great guy, if he is not meeting your needs and not doing so consistently, then you might have to really ask yourself how that plays out down the road. You can't stuff your feelings down or feel guilty all the time for wanting to be validated and taken care of (so to speak) and not, at some point, start to resent him for not meeting you halfway. It's like that movie "Hitch" where Will Smith is trying to teach Kevin James's character how to kiss and he's talking about how the couple should both lean in 50% but Kevin, in his over-eagerness, is leaning in 90%. Relationships take work, compromise. Relationships are a team sport for a team of 2 people. We all know this. But, if you are leaning in 90%, he's only having to lean in 10% and that can lead to bad things down the road, through no particular fault of either party.

I like M and I want you to be happy. But I also want you to take care of yourself and NOT feel like you are walking on eggshells and right now, it seems like an awfully eggshell-like environment you are tiptoeing through, at least from my outside perspective. I don't think you should go at him guns blazing, but I definitely think you should sit him down and have a serious talk with him and see what he says. As others before me have said, his reaction/responses to your talk will give you a LOT of information.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 12:57 AM

I want to address what you have all so kindly posted to me. But I donít have the mental energy right now.

I did sort of address. Iíll definitely talk about it tomorrow.

On a good note. I spoke to the cheerleading coach in an email. My daughter bounced into the car today with her confidence through the roof that she got her favorite stunt position back. She was beaming and talked about how great she did at it. It was the best part of the day smile
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 12:03 PM

Well, I kind of snuck it into a conversation. I told him when I told him I was stressed and he asked my I was stress and began to told him why he blew me off and I just really needed someone to listen for a minute. I didnít tell him he made it about him. He said ďall you told me was your lawnmower wasnít working and you had an unmanageable caseload at workĒ I said I was telling you more, but you cut me off by telling me ďlife ainít easy, I got this plumbing thing to take care ofĒ I went on to say whatís going on. He asked me if there was more behind my stressors. I said, no, itís just that stuff which unless you walk in my shoes, you see why a lawnmower not working can be the straw that broke the camels backĒ he said ďawwww, hugs sent your way. Right after he said that, I thanked him, told him about some positive stuff, but he said nothing and I didnít hear from him all. This was after a sweet morning greeting.

I texted him twice something small later in the day and nothing. Finally he answered very short and I didnít realize today was his last day with his S for a while. I thought his S left yesterday.
We had a very brief exchange, I told him i know tough when he goes away for a while. He didnít ask a darn thing about me or if things were better or how I was. I simply said ď Iím going to bedĒ he said ďgoodnight baby!Ē And that was it.

I went to bed pretty upset. The world does indeed revolve around him. And it stinks . I donít know what Iím going to do with it. Right now, I donít have the nerve to even try to address it. Tonight, he ditched me for his thing he had to do. Friday he canít be my date because of a FaceTime call. This weekend he said ďmaybeĒ to the beach which I imagine is a no.

Forget it. Iím not chasing. Iím tired. His intentions arenít bad. Heís just so oblivious. And I tried to communicate yesterday and he more or less blew me off again. I donít even know what to think anymore.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 12:10 PM

Is he an only kid G? Has his mom always supported him?
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 12:22 PM

I think not chasing is best. Let him miss you.
The real question in my mind is this: is M willing to learn some new relationship skills?

Don't give up because you're afraid of asking that question, and don't give up until you get an answer to that question. I hope that makes sense. I'm frazzled right now so I apologize if I am not being clear. xoxoxo

(((((((((((Ginger))))))))))
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 12:55 PM

I am actually the only child, not him. Iím certainly not your typical only child though. He had a brother, 5 years younger who he is close with. Dad died when he was 14 and mom had to raise 2 trouble making boys on her own while working. He wasnít spoiled and has been a hard worker since a young age. Heís always been relied on as the man of the house which he does well. She was of great help and still is with his S.

Iím just chilling over here, bttrfly . Iím thinking he could really use some new relationship skills. I know itís hard coming out of all poop he has and having to focus on someone elseís needs. But he has chosen to be in an R with me. Itís got to be a two way street
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 01:00 PM

Well it rules out that theory.......maybe it is stress, I do know everyone reacts differently to it or over time you are just seeing more sides of him than you did early on. Only you know G. Hang in there, sorry.
Posted By: ballast

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 01:12 PM

G...after I started going to IC and really doing work on myself and learning how to be a better partner, more aware of much of what we talk about here, etc...I got to a point where I wondered to myself "yeah I've done all of this work on myself, but what are the chances that I can find a lady out there in this world who has done the same? Will I always be the one super in touch with these thoughts? If I am, will any relationship where my partner is not like minded ever work?" Bottom line M sounds locked in his own world especially by living with his mother and then locks in on his son when he has him. Thing is he DOES respond when you tell him your stresses BUT I don't think he has a clue about what validation is nor that what he says to you is somehow not enough to make you feel he cares about you.

The big thing to me is that you have a very highly developed understanding of your own needs in a relationship AND expectations over how your partner should know exactly what you need for him to reach you and make you feel valued and your feelings heard. Question is do you think M is intentionally not trying to be the partner you need OR as I believe, is he simply unaware of exactly what it is you are seeking from him when you share your feelings with him. I can tell you for a fact until I reached BD and was forced to look into the topic and how I was performing as a partner, I really had no clue. I don't believe he willingly tries to disappoint you, but I do think you will have work to do with him to help him understand where you are coming from. Can he hear you without feeling like he's losing you that I don't know. You may have to really help him understand the two way street more than you ever thought you might have to.

-B
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 04:07 PM

perfect gf, just put on your shades put up your feet snd soak up some sun while he does some work. xoxoxo
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 08:11 PM

Oh G.....I'm sorry you went to bed upset. It sounds like M just has a lot of work to do that you have already done and you may have to kind of wait for him to catch up. Do NOT stop talking and asking for what you want/need. Do NOT feel guilty and do not be afraid to ask because if he reacts poorly, that should be a STRONG message to you about how your future will be with him. Hang in there and don't chase him. Let him come to you.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 09:07 PM

Heís just so distant too. I know he apologized for his distance last week..... but he is just so wrapped up in his little world. He texted me something sweet yesterday morning, returned my I love you...... but I can tell, heís just not present right now. I asked for a favor tomorrow night but he has a late job. I said thanks, another time and he just didnít respond.

What can I do? I guess I got to just wait until he pulls himself out of his own world to see what else is around him.

I am trying really hard to hold back and just stay as brief as he has been. Itís not an easy thing for me.

When he comes to me he will come to me I guess. Iím sure he is t going to make it this weekend and it will be over a week without seeing each other. But if thatís the way it will have to be. I have some pretty good solid plans.

I can totally see where he might have just checked out in his M though. When he has stuff to do heís like invisible man. And he rebuilt a house for a year. While his ex was pregnant. I imagine not much existed while he did that. Even though his intentions were to build a beautiful house for his family.

Oh well. Off to haul this grass to the curb somehow before the skies open up.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 09:16 PM

Sorry G....I think you will have to determine if you can educate him, 5 LL's, how to validate, etc. or if this is who he is and can't change.

I truthfully would not initiate any contact with him. Respond when he reaches out but don't initiate even let him initiate the plans.

I do think he loves you, if he didn't he would have dumped you by now, ghosted you completely, or just fade to black.

If this is who he is and you can't make him drink the water you will need to evaluate. A part of me feels like you shouldn't be struggling this much 1 year in.
Posted By: job

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 09:19 PM

Ginger,

I think I said it earlier on...do not contact him again...let him come to you. Right now, he needs some space and time to get out of whatever he is so focused on. He knows you love him, so give him that space for a while. When he realizes that you've not been in touch for a period of time, he will text/call you and want to catch up. Until then, keep the focus on you, your daughter and that cute little pup.

You've got this!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 10:16 PM

I am definitely not contacting him again. He clearly needs his space and I donít want to be another ďobligationĒ for him. He needs to come to me and want me. He is really focused on NOT ME. So he can stay there.

Iím looking forward to school clothes shopping at the mall with D11 on Friday ( Iím off) and then even though I am the odd number wheel, the eat-a thon in Chinatown for my cousins birthday Iím looking forward to. Saturday to Sunday Iím taking D11 and her friend overnight to my dads for some fun, bike riding, beach, and dinner at a cool restaurant. I did invite M, but he said ďmost likely, let me see where I get with this projectĒ Iím actually counting it as a no.

And because no good deed goes unpunished....... D11 just called me to get her because she hurt her finger in the position I went and advocated for her to have.

Lord.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 11:31 PM

So G are you finding yourself loosing attraction? Are you starting to feel like you are mentally stronger than M? Is his drama starting to impact you in a negative way? Has your attraction increased since he needs space and has pulled back?
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/14/19 11:53 PM

Very good questions.

Am I losing attraction? Yes, my attraction decreases a bit when my boyfriend is so self absorbed. When he cares, when he comes to me, wants to spend time with me, asks me about ME, my attraction increases.

Do I feel mentally stronger? Yes and no. He deals with some pretty heavy stuff. But I feel I balance much better. I am capable of giving and receiving and living my life even when Iím going through the deepest of poop. So I guess in a way I do. Although I donít know how well I would handle what he is right now.

No. My attraction has not increased since he has pulled back. A woman loves to feel loved, important, like she is a priority, and when I feel like Iím more of a convienece when he has time, my attraction goes down. When he does make me feel like I matter to him , my attraction goes way up. Maybe Iím the opposite of other women.

Right now, itís almost 8 pm, his last message was telling me he would work too late tomorrow to help me and nothing since. I know he is making a big home repair to his brothers place.

I am sad because I had a lot going on this week. So much I would love to talk to my boyfriend about. Canít even shate it with him. He doesnít ask, I donít tell.

I did get all my nasty grass clipping out. I had to deal with some awful cave crickets and other bugs that I am not a fan of. But I did it, and Iím proud of me.

And yes, it increases my attraction when he wants to be the man and help me this stuff. Attraction went down when he said ďIíll try to stop by, but Iím sure you manage itĒ after he made a commitment to me.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 12:15 AM

Thatís why you have to nip it in the bud before you lose too much attraction or build up too much resentment. Determine if he cane change, is just going through something and itís temporary or if this is who he is.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 09:55 AM

{{{{{{{Ginger}}}}}}}

No I think you're like most people, not just women. Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. there are some guys (and probably gals too) who think that once they are in a committed relationship they don't need to do the work anymore. That isn't true snd only leads to hurt and resentment.

I'm hesitant to say this because I don't want to put any fuel on a fire, but you haven't even been together a year yet. WAaaay too early in the game for this behavior. Just because you're a strong and capable woman doesn't mean you want to always have to be that - it's nice for strong capable women to have a partner to lean on too. Nothing wrong with that at all. Did his wife complain about this trait, do you know? His "you've got this" was in all likelihood meant as a compliment, but not what you wanted from him.

There's a lot that's great about this relationship, so I think it's worth considering how much you want to be the one teaching relationship skills, and how long you're going to give him to learn how you want to be treated.

xoxoxo I'm sorry you're going through this xoxoxo
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 11:12 AM

See, when he isnít in his own little world, heís a pretty good partner. Some things might be different than Iíve experienced in the past, but the difference about him is he comes from a good place with good intentions but just may not be so aware of whats going on. I know he canít know what I need if I donít tell him, and I donít mind being a teacher if he is a good learner. But right now I have to step back and let him come to me, so I feel torn.


I almost feel like now that I do know what I want in a relationship maybe Iíve become too high maintenance. I want these things. Am I too much?

Well, he never texted last night. Said he would earlier in the day and let me know how it was going with his project. You know, because I care. Never did. Never heard from him. Laid in bed and fought the urge to text him. Not texting him was an amazing feat for me. I imagine he might have been working late on the house. The last time we saw each other everything was fine. And the time before that when he apologized and was just so sweet and loving. I guess this week he is just so kneeling deep in his stuff again.

I will try my best to hold out contacting him today. Usually Iíll get something the next morning if I donít the night before. But who knows this week. I feel pretty poopy but I shouldnít let this affect me too much.

On another note D11 hurt her finger pretty bad at cheerleading. She woke up in the middle of the night crying, cake in my bed and itís pretty swollen. We have been having lots of xrays at the ER for various digits lately, but Iím going to hold off. Sheís really upset because she afraid sheís going to lose her position. Sheís in a lot of pain. Itís her non dominant had, but there is a lot she canít do. She will be home alone today and a friend is coming over at some point, but I am going to sneak home at lunch and bring them something to eat and print her some kids Motrin because she still canít swallow pills.

Sigh. At least after work today I am off for 4 days. Woohoo!
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 01:16 PM

soak finger in Epsom salts and warm water?

hope D feels better soon.

Good for you to not reach out I know how hard that is from personal experience xoxo
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 02:01 PM

G....I wonder if some of this with M ties back to the comment he made a while back about never wanting to get married again? Does it make you question whether or not there is a future and all of this other stuff that he is doing just amplifies that comment? Adds to your insecurities?

Several weeks ago the Dr. made a comment to me about how special I am to her and that she could see herself getting married to me. Then she followed that statement up by saying that she didn't care if I knew because if that caused me to run then I was not the right person for her. Last night she made the comment that she doesn't understand why people date to just date with no intent for a future. Essentially why waste time. I said I don't know that eventually something has to give and a choice has to be made.

I am not advocating you have the conversation or don't have the conversation but what I am advocating that you do is go for what you want. Pull back, don't initiate, wait for him to make contact etc. but eventually you have to speak your truth's and IMO what will be will be. What will happen will happen and be confident in yourself that how it happened is the way it was supposed to happen.
Posted By: kml

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 04:36 PM

Has it ever occurred to you that he might be a bit Aspie? Does he have any Aspie traits? Or just clueless man traits?
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 10:42 PM

He just broke up with me and I donít know why.

I am devastated.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 10:47 PM

((((((((((((Ginger))))))))))))

I am so so sorry, sweet lady.
Posted By: pinn

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 10:48 PM

Ugh...Iím sorry ginger. Terrible
Posted By: kml

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 11:24 PM

Wow - did not see that coming.

I'm so sorry Ginger.

That's really f'ed up.

I can only guess, but he may just not really be someone who can give what a relationship needs, and being in a relationship makes him feel crowded. The Love Avoidant type who doesn't ever want to feel obligated (I dated a few of those, remember.)

I guess, in retrospect, you've often spoken here about how he wasn't quite meeting your needs - I guess we all should have taken that a bit more seriously.

Yuck - this really leaves you with a bunch of questions, doesn't it? But the MOST important ANSWER is - a guy who would do this like this, is NOT THE GUY YOU WANT TO BE WITH. Don't go down your rabbit hole of childhood abandonment issues - this is about HIM, not you. You did everything right this time.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 11:30 PM


Sorry. frown
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/15/19 11:57 PM

Gosh I am sorry G!!
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 12:23 AM

WTF!!!!

Take some deep breaths my friend. Remember that this isn't about you. You were willing to do the work. It's about him and whatever he's not able to man up and deal with.

You will survive. It's going to hurt like h@ll for some time. We all know this. And all of your friends both here and IRL are there for you too.

Big bear hugs ((((Ginger))))
Posted By: LH19

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 01:41 AM

So sorry G.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 02:35 AM

I donít have the nervy to say much, but appreciate all your kind words.

In a nut shell, he finally told me something was missing for him in the relationship. We are too different? When I brought up feeling duped and him bringing his son into life he said ďI made him feel bad so he went against his gut ď

How can I ever trust again? I believed he loved us. He told me our connection was amazing, he was so lucky and he loved me incredibly.

It was lies for a year of my life. How dare he hurt me and my daughter like that? Iíve been duped. And me father of year did this to his son too.

I am hurting beyond words. I thought someone finally chose me. Felt whole heartedly about me.

But I guess he didnít. His time spent with me was probably forced. He was trying to fake it until he made it. I feel dirty thinking about laying in his arms this weekend.

I feel just awful and I donít know Iím going to get over this deceit
Posted By: kml

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 03:11 AM

What a creepy D-bag!!!!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 03:43 AM

He really is. This is kind of unreal . Iím going to wake up in the morning and realize it happened and it wasnít a nightmare

I asked him to delete me from social media. He did. Then I blocked him. And I blocked his phone number. Iím having a hard time deleting the messages and pictures. But I just need too.

I am just feeling so fooled and blind sided. He said one thing one day and did the total opposite the other. It still doesnít add up. But I have to take what he is saying for face value.


I was a wonderful, passionate loving girlfriend he told me. Nothing I did. Something was missing for him.

The part that kills me? I have been told this in breakups before. This is not the first time someone told me I was wonderful but something was missing.

I guess my love is too much to handle. For the right guy, he will embrace it.

I have such a good crew who rallies around me. My friend/ social worker I work with in my office saw my have tears and I told her that I think my boyfriend is breaking up with me. She actually cried with me. And prayed with me. Sheís very religious. She gave me so much support. My best friend sat outside with me for hours listening to me. Picked up my daughter and brought her over. Her daughter and her husband gave me such big hugs and all the love.

My tribe is true and big. And they see me for me. And appreciate me. And love me. And nothing is missing for them. They love me. I am enough.

This is a painful ripping off of a bandaid.

I truly, with all my heart believed he loved me. I never actually doubted his love. Maybe his commitment, but never his love. And now I know it was all BS.

And that hurts and Iíll have to heal from it
Posted By: kml

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 04:16 AM

I'm curious - I know you didn't socialize that much with him and your friends - but did any of your friends have a bad feeling about him?
Posted By: kml

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 04:21 AM

BTW good job blocking his A$$.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 04:27 AM

I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am Ginger. I hate this for you. More than anything you've got to try to keep in mind this is ABOUT HIM - not you. He's just not in the right place. You are ready for a full, 100% committed love and he is not. Several times now I've said I think he and I are alike. The different may be is I know and acknowledge that I'm not looking to get married again or for what I thought I had with my wife. He either hoped he was or hoped he could rise to it.

I can't believe that he didn't love you - I have to believe and do believe that he did. I mean what kind of sadistic sociopath would set out to hurt someone on purpose by lying to them about loving them. I think when he told you he loved you he did - just in a limited way. This is totally about him.

I know that really doesn't make it hurt less but at least you have the piece of mind of knowing there is not a "what if" still hanging. There is no, what if you would have did this or not done that. There is no what if you were difference. This is on him. At least that is something.

You've gotten through the others and you will get through this too. Don't worry about deleting every photo and such right now. Blocking him is good. Not trying to chase him is even better. If you want or need to get rid of ever tiny reminder you can do that in due time - it doesn't have to be right now. And of course all of us are here for you.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 09:22 AM

G itís about him and nothing you did. I believe he did and/or does love you I just donít think he is ready for a R. I recall you having concerns around the six month mark with him displaying affection around his son so I think there were signs early on. It seems to me that the issues started once the R started getting real. It was no longer just about sex, going out for dinner and hanging out. I think he tried to make it work but realized he couldnít.

I am sorry, I know you are hurting.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 09:45 AM

And Ginger, having gone through similar just recently myself I know that we can get caught up on the over-analyzing. What you felt was real. And your reality is that he loved you too. Accept that as being the reality.

We hear it all the time here. People re-writing history and coming up with bogus and vague reasons for ending a relationship. "I never loved you", "you use too much cheese in your lasagna", "your house has too many stairs". Rarely do you hear people talk about the real reasons. Perhaps they don't know them themselves. And it doesn't really matter. It's them.

I believe you have a few days off coming up. I hope you take that time to just chill out and relax. You've got your D who I hope is taking this OK but will probably struggle a bit and your little leg-humper who probably won't notice other than the fact that you are hurting.

Then find you again. It's easy to get lost in a relationship I've found. Stay out of the dating pool for a while. Somebody peed in it anyway.

Big hugs my friend ((((Ginger1))))
Posted By: ballast

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 10:00 AM

Very sorry to hear this lady ((((((((Ginger1))))))))

I haven't followed your dating him since the beginning, but in the time that I have it seems you were a convenience to him rather than a priority and you towards him was the opposite. Can't work like that in truth for either of you long term, BUT I do believe it possible that he did love you. His inability to provide it to you in the way you needed vs perhaps how he felt he couldn't meet your expectations could have caused him to make the decision he did.

All of us will come and go through happiness and heartbreak until we each find that person for us. Keep going girl, love your D, endure through this as it just frees you up to more special moments yet to come in your life. This is but a necessary part of your life to get you to the place you are ultimately meant to be. There is a man out there who will find you, love you and stay G.

-B
Posted By: LH19

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 11:20 AM

G,

The most important thing that I have learned through this process is about unconditional love for my children and good friends. Having great kids and friends is the most amazing gift a person can have especially in difficult times. Some many people don't have those kinds of people in their life.

It isn't you it is him. He's not ready. He may have thought he was so I don't think he had bad intentions. Again, I am really sorry.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 11:32 AM

Thank you all. I didnít sleep much last night, I woke up in the middle of the night just replaying everything. Trying to see if i missed something . The love he expressed making future plans etc. the last time I saw him he was putting everything together for our shed project. He would tell me he is so happy and so lucky. Then out of the blue he tells me something is missing in the relationship and he wants to end it. After a year. Telling me how he loves me, bringing us with him on vacation telling me how when we left our abcense was felt. Future plans. And then he tells me that whole time he wasnít sure what he wanted. Tell me he is in this for the long run. A bunch of future plans he talked about Sunday, then Monday he was shady and Thursday I was dumped

I still baffled and something still does feel like itís adding up. He discarded me with such ease. Out of no where. I feel like I let him off easy with the text breakup because he wanted to do it in person , but next week.

I honestly feel this was cruel. It felt cruel and cold.

But i know I wasnít all that happy. I was happy together, it not apart. I gave too much got to little once again. I never gave up, I remained committed and gave him my all. I respected his needs his desire to go slow because I really did think it would pay off.

I feel like the whole last year of my life was sort of prank and I have to just forget it now. In a blink of an eye, I lost him, I lost his son, and I lost his family. And I feel like it never really existed.

I feel sick. I canít eat. I have to go about my plans and move on. Life existed before him and it will exist after him.

I am also thinking maybe he met someone else. When people turn the light switch, thatís usually what happens.

Iíll never quite know what happened here. Iíll never know if it was all real or just a lie. But that guy yesterday was not the guy Iíve been dating for a year. But I know I couldnít have anything differently or better. Maybe I didnít play enough hard to get or I gave too much, but itís who I am and the right guy wonít run from that.

Iím still in a bit of shock I think.

I had to block his texts and his social media. I know me. I canít handle it. And Iím going to delete his number although I feel I donít have the strength to delete his texts and the picture on it. I took the necklace he gave me off and tucked it away. I have to go cold turkey.

I was so horribly deceived and it hurts more than anything
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 11:34 AM

wow.
hmph
something was missing... yes, I'd agree with that, and what was missing was an ability to man up and truly be present in this relationship. I'm glad he recognized that he can't hold up his end of the bargain.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I think in time you'll find this was for the best, but it's gonna be a while for that to happen.

You are awesome. Don't let this dim your shine G ... how can you trust again? That's the question, isn't it? I fall back on this: true equanimity is having bad things happen and not letting that change who you fundamentally are in this world.

You are a beautiful soul who has so much to offer. Focus on D and your magnificent tribe who are holding you in the center while you heal from this. I'm very proud of the way you handled yourself. You have done nothing wrong here. xoxoxo

{{{{{{{Ginger}}}}}}}
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 11:41 AM

And yes, I plan to take time for myself. Get back into shape, get healthy again, focus on me. And of course D11. Her birthday is in a month. Sheís been great. She did cry. She said ďmom, he loved you so much, I thought he loved you so much! And his son, he loved you, he called you bonus mom! I donít understand, I thought he loved youĒ

I feel this was cruel. Very cruel.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 12:04 PM

yes. it was and it hurt a lot of other people
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 12:08 PM

G....I have a feeling you will bounce back quicker than you think. I think you have felt something has been off for a while so in some ways it might be a relief.

You are a good person G, he wasn't ready. Get back in that gym stat!!! smile
Posted By: LH19

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 12:12 PM

Could he be going back to his ex?
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 12:20 PM

Originally Posted by bttrfly
yes. it was and it hurt a lot of other people


He had the b@lls to tell me that he told me he let his son know about us because ďI made him feel badĒ and he went against his guy. The same man who always put his son first . He put on a big show with flowers to ask me to be his girlfriend. Now he wants to tell me he went against his gut. God, that hurt. His son and I bonded. He loves me and I love him. It feels so sadistic. He brought our families together and wasnít forced into. And he knows we all clicked better than you could have imagined. He made me think he loved us. My D really thought he loved me and us. A big show he put in trying to be the perfect parent where he just went and hurt a whole bunch of people out of the blue.

I am literally dying inside. But I know I will bounce back. I hope quickly too. I canít hold on to this pain too long.

For a while I wasnít completely happy. I felt neglected and like a simple convience when it was good for him and an inconvience when it wasnít. He wasnít treating me or the relationship right. My dad feels he was way too high maintenance and saw glimpses of my ex in that respect.

I vow to go forward and when I feel something isnít right and my needs arenít being met to respect myself and my needs. And not think they are ridiculous because the other person didnít want to meet them.

I wanted it so bad I guess and I just focused on the right things he said.

Time to get that year back of my life
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 12:21 PM

Originally Posted by LH19
Could he be going back to his ex?



Definitely not. They canít even talk to each other.

But I have a feeling there might be someone else. You flip a light switch, make up some BS like this and thatís usually when there is someone else
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 12:27 PM

I like your dad, I said he was high maintenance as well. Sorry G......get yourself a really good sweat today!
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 12:51 PM

I'm going to have to call bull sh!t on his thing about being "forced" into introducing his son because you "made him feel bad" and he went against his gut on several levels. First and foremost, he's a grown a$$ man and if he feels strongly about something and doesn't want to do it, then he shouldn't do it, no matter what. To say that you "forced" him and "made him feel bad"...dude.....WTF????? That seems pretty wussy if he can be forced and guilted into stuff. I'm sorry, but I just can't even with that crap excuse. He needs to man up and own it. Second, his making him feel bad malarkey doesn't add up with HIM talking to his son about you being his "bonus mom". I'm sorry, but a 5 year old kid doesn't come up with that by himself. And, why would you bother telling a kid that if you were guilted into introducting your kid to someone and spending time with them? Not just no, but H#LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no!

I have to agree with Don and J9 on this one point: I do really think he loved you. I just think he loved you on HIS level, not yours and y'all are on different levels, if that makes sense. I don't think he was ready for an R, but liked the idea of one with you because you are an amazing woman and I do think he felt lucky to have found such a gem. I just don't think he was as capable as he thought he was of giving love.

(((((((G)))))))) I'm proud of you for blocking him and for not reaching out again. Keep it up. I know that took a ton of strength but it was the right thing. You may never, ever know all the real reasons behind why this happened, but as everyone before me said, it is NOT about you. It is about him. He is NOT ready for an R and while it seems colossally unfair for him to do what he did, I don't think he even realized he wasn't ready for 1 until he was in too deep. I think that, in time, you will see that you are better off because your recent posts have NOT been happy ones. You've tried to put on a brave face for us, but you spent a lot of time posting about his distance, him being put off and most recently his lack of skills and care when you reached out needing some validation and concern from your partner (which is exactly what a good partner SHOULD do).

Trusting again will be difficult, particularly given your recent luck, but PLEASE, please, please remember that his actions were not at all about you. I know you want to blame yourself and you will feel bad. Like I told Andrew the other day, it is ok to mourn the loss of what might have been, grieve the man you loved, just wallow in it for a day or so, but do not, under any circumstances, unpack and live there. Just don't do it! You are amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, and you absolutely rock. Do not let this man, this person who either couldn't (or just hadn't for whatever reason) done the work HE needed to do to get past his D and be ready for and actively participate in an R dull your shine. I have suspected for awhile now that he wasn't for you because you felt guilty about asking for what you needed and even when you did ask, while he would respond in the immediate, over time, he would fall back into his former patterns that didn't really work for you.

You are AMAZING, G. Don't let him take that away from you. Stay strong on keeping him blocked. He's not worth your time or attention because you are light years ahead of him in every sense.
Posted By: job

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 12:57 PM

Ginger,

I am so very sorry that he called it quits. This is all about him and yes, something was missing in him, not you. He will not find another woman who was as kind, compassionate and generous as you were. If he didn't think this relationship would work out, he should never have included his little boy in the mix. Now, there are two children who will be hurting and two adults who will be trying to find their way.

I do not think he was ready for a long term commitment. He always seemed to have something to do that did not include you in it. He had been pulling away for a while with excuses of having to do things. As long as he lives w/his mom, he will not ever understand what it is like for someone to work a job, take care of themselves and their children, as well as keep a clean house. I may be wrong, but he seemed to be distancing himself more and more as time went along.

Whatever his reason, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know that you are a wonderful person who deserves to much more. It's his loss if he can't see what he had.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 01:12 PM

And he better have a really good reason for living with his mom..........just saying!
Posted By: kml

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 01:52 PM

Quote
something was missing... yes, I'd agree with that, and what was missing was an ability to man up and truly be present in this relationship.


I agree with this.

And, as for why so sudden - maybe an old girlfriend popped up. Maybe he's bi and had a thing with his buddy he went out with on Sunday. Maybe he's just a Love Avoidant with a low sex drive. (It never did add up that he was satisfied with such infrequent sex).

You deserve more, G. A smart sexy guy who wants to be with you and isn't satisfied with half a relationship or sex a couple times a month.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 01:53 PM

So sorry to hear about M Ginger. That s*cks big time. I think he recognized what a great catch you are and wanted to be ready for a committed relationship but when things got more serious and children got involved, he realized he wasnít. This just may be who he is and a big part of why his ex and him split up. It would be difficult to be married to someone who has that kind of a wall up. I had a feeling about this when you mentioned that he wasnít going to go with you on Friday because of a scheduled FaceTime call. Honestly...you can FaceTime with someone from anywhere so it wasnít a valid reason for him not to go. Maybe he was hoping that if he kept disappointing you, you would get fed up and break up with him and he wouldnít have to be the bad guy. Donít believe a word of what he has to say re: introducing you to his son. He wanted that to happen. I suspect he was still intent on making it work with you but at some point realized he wasnít as all in as he thought or hoped. Please donít take this personally. This is about him for sure. You are a great catch and you will find someone out there who not only recognizes it but is ready and willing to be there for you too. I know you are sad and hurting right now but, as you know, you will get through this. Be good to yourself this weekend. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 02:04 PM

You guys are pretty amazing. I know everything you are saying is absolutely correct. It doesnít have to do with me. Thatís something missing with us is HIM, his inability to be a proper partner with someone who is emotionally healthy for the most part. I went through the maybe he wasnít giving me what I needed and put me on the back burner often because he didnít feel enough love for me.

I was the one who wasnít happy. And maybe he sensed that and knew that and thatís what was making him feel something was off.

He is not properly equipped for a true partnership. He says all the right things. But in reality, he cant follow through, he is freakní Self absorbed. I never mentioned it , but when we would talk and I would start to say something about ME he would actually cut me off and start talking about him. Like mid sentence. Like he was never even listening It was always about him. As his life was the only one that mattered. And I think he tried to make mine matter but couldnít.

The hardest part will be his sudden turn and all the talk about how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me and the future planning days before. Itís hard to grasp. Then his sudden coldness.

But I am staying strong. I am not reaching out. There is nothing more to say. And even if he realized he made a big mistake ( which he wonít ) he is not the one for me. Iíll never trust him again. And someone who would do that to his child and mine, is someone not welcomed back into our lives. We are too precious . I believed he was serious when he spoke of how serious the kid thing. And that is total BS about me ďmaking him feel badĒ I know for a fact he told his son about bonus mom. My heart breaks for the loss of that kid. I loved him. But to be honest we do not have the same parenting styles at all. He has never experienced real parenting. And he has this ideal about how itís supposed to be done, and honestly, he is in for a rude awakening. The day he has to get up, get his kid ready for school and put the door so he could get to work, he can come talk to me. He was very fortunate for him to have me in his sons life. I am a great mom.

He lives with his mom because they sold the house in the divorce because it made sense because she has a 4 bedroom house and well, he needed help with his son. Oh, and he wanted to show his son a ďpartnership.

I realize he was willing to compromise nothing for us. Everyone saw that. My friends, my dad. And they all got scared it would be an ex situation again. I was too.

Oh, and on a funny note..... I guess my friends finally decided to say it out loud and mention how physically, Iím out of his league. I always found him attractive physically, probably because I thought he was such a wonderful guy. It turns out I must have my blinders on or something, lol. I tend to look into the soul. I remember once D11 texted a pic with him in it to her friend and her friend said ď he looks oldĒ the hard part is I am left here out of shape and back on the market. He convinced me to not replace my breast implants because he cared so much and it was the right thing to do for me and him. It was the right decision for ME and I donít regret, but why even put your two cents into surgery on my body when you arenít happy anyways? And I will remember how he treated me during that time. Made it about HIM. And his ex wife. Didnít reach out to me the night before the surgery nor the morning before. He stayed with me after but was ready to run out that Sunday.

And my friend made a good point. He should have done this before Nashville! I should have been a single woman on that trip! I am so loyal, I didnít play with strippers whereas single Ginger would have been giving them lap dances. A came up behind me dancing and I walked away. Single Ginger would have had some fun dancing!

My lesson learned is that when my needs arenít being met and it doesnít feel good, that itís. It me being needy. Itís ok to speak up or get out. I am not changing the way I love. I love wholly, I donít play games, and to the correct strong confident man, everything will be ďrightĒ about that.

Thanks for letting me ramble. It helps to write this out. Today Iím off and Iím getting a pedi, then D 11 and some friends and I are going to the mall. Iím going to treat myself to something that makes me feel good. I canít afford to fall in a deep depression. Iím going to do whatever I can to fight it. As much as I know I wasnít happy, I didnít see this coming and with what we had invested I thought we would work through it. But he had other plans and I need to just say goodbye
Posted By: LH19

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 02:30 PM

First off ďplaying with strippersĒ made me spit coffee through my nose. Thanks lol.

Sounds like a narcissist. Youíre so much better then that!
Posted By: Drew

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 02:31 PM

100%

smile
Posted By: Cadet

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 02:40 PM

Oh my - just catching up, (((((HUGS))))).

I have no words to add to all these amazing posters who are giving you great advice.

All I can do is send LOVE and tell you that you are a great person who deserves better.

And I was just talking to someone on the phone who sends her own ((HUGS))).

Love ya girl!!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 03:10 PM

I was just looking at my post from a week ago where I said I see a real future with him and Iím excited for the years to come. I feel so dumb. I think I was probably fooling myself. I do that a lot
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 03:15 PM

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Originally Posted by LH19
Could he be going back to his ex?

Definitely not. They canít even talk to each other.

But I have a feeling there might be someone else. You flip a light switch, make up some BS like this and thatís usually when there is someone else
We can't know this Ginger and it's useless to speculate.

Since I am of course the King of SpeculationLand and you may not agree with me, but I see a "lot" of parallels between your situation with M and mine with B. In my case I am nearly certain that there isn't someone else. B may end up going back to her ex eventually or on to someone else but I don't think that her departure, any more than M's was related to jumping over to greener pastures.

In both cases we were the ones trying to make it work, making the compromises, "being there" for them while they were off doing whatever. You saw the red flags I was trying to ignore, and I saw some of the ones you were trying to ignore. Both sets of flags were a reluctance to commit and a level of selfishness about "their" time at a time when you would think that a couple couldn't get enough of spending time with each other.

I think that for both B and M that they both really wanted to have a relationship that worked and felt that the person that they had found was a "catch". Because they were unable to fit their vision of the life they wanted with the life they were being handed it may have become more and more like pounding a square peg in to a round hole. Until suddenly it breaks. Up until then they are doing what they think is their part of making it work. M talking about helping you build a shed. B and I looking at campers and campgrounds for when her cottage sells. I think they were both trying to not see what was right in front of them. That it wasn't working for them.

One side speculation. B was a WAS. I can perhaps presume that M was as well. I know that B would especially early on talk about it "being time for her" which to me had scary echos of the sort of MLC talk that my ex would do. Changing the topic of a conversation back to themselves is certainly an indication that they are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't have the bandwidth to be there for others. Perhaps as a WAS they both had a stronger focus on themselves and a greater willingness to walk away again. I honestly don't know enough about how people's minds work but it certainly makes sense.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
But i know I wasnít all that happy. I was happy together, it not apart. I gave too much got to little once again. I never gave up, I remained committed and gave him my all.
Waves my hand as part of that club too. Again, I think our experiences were similar although mine was compressed in to half the time of your's.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I was so horribly deceived and it hurts more than anything
For me, I'm choosing to not believe that there was any intentional deception. That B wanted to have a shared life with me but when it actually came down to it, wasn't able. M may well have been that way as well. We will indeed never know but thinking of it that way, for me at least, helps make the pain less.
Posted By: kml

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 03:48 PM

He was saying the words, but his actions didn't match his words. It's not surprising you believed what he was saying after a year together. Don't beat yourself up.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 04:11 PM

I think what happens with most men with me is that because I am ďan awesome , loving, committed , passionateĒ girlfriend, they want to make it work. But something else is lacking For all of them. Maybe we just never are truly compatible, I IGNORE for whatever reason, and they ignore it because Iím a model girlfriend.

Time to become a bi tech?
Posted By: kml

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 04:18 PM

You'd never carry off being a biatch. But the emphasis needs to stay on whether the guy is good enough for YOU, not the other way around.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 04:26 PM


Originally Posted by kml
You'd never carry off being a biatch. But the emphasis needs to stay on whether the guy is good enough for YOU, not the other way around.


Bingo! I need to know my own worth. Not accept anything less than what Iím worth
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 04:53 PM

I agree with KML G. You need to be confident and strong enough to make sure the guy is right for you. Any guy that is not treating you how you deserve to be treated or does not have the qualities you desire needs to go. You possess many great qualities and have many great things going for you. Only accept the best!
Posted By: job

Re: Still figuring things out - 08/16/19 05:15 PM

New Thread:

Clearly haven't figured it out
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