Divorcebusting.com

Gray Divorce Fallout

Posted By: kml

Gray Divorce Fallout - 07/24/19 04:29 PM

Time for a new thread I believe. Here's the link to my old one:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2839728&page=9

The title comes from an article in Bloomberg today about the financial fallout of gray divorce. I realize I'm fortunate in that regard, in that I was in a high income marriage, restarted my career on a small level before my divorce, and between my current income and alimony am not too far below what I might have been making if I hadn't been mommy-tracked in my career. Of course the retirement income won't go nearly as far for two separate households as it would have for one, but I was in a community property state and I will be able to manage my retirement ok when the day comes. It's not the more luxurious life we would have had if we'd stayed married but I consider myself fortunate.

One thing the article say is that basically, the way to recover financially is to couple back up. Yet most women do not - some due to the lack of available men that aren't looking to date younger, some because they don't desire remarriage. (I most definitely do not want to marry again although I would like a long term monogamous partner). I guess if I dated a guy who had an equal amount of money we could together have that more luxurious retirement - so far, none of my dates have come close to that financial stability and that's a problem with boomers too, too many haven't saved for retirement.

I think one thing we can do here though is encourage people, especially women, to look after their financial interests even when in the midst of the chaos, and create financial stability for themselves going forward.

Things that helped me:
Frugality - I'm not as frugal as I could be, but have always been generally good at managing my budget, prioritizing my spending, I'm a big fan of Your Money Or Your Life (book) and Mr. Money Mustache (blog). If you weren't the money manager in your marriage, educate yourself now.

Work - this time of reinvention is also a good time to up your game as far as career goes. I've seen so many people here do just that - I think DBing principles and the support of this group play a big role in that.

Plan - for retirement. Even if you're only in your 30's you should be thinking with that in mind. If you're late in life and don't have much time to save up for retirement you can still get creative about where you will live to lower your costs. (Think expats living in inexpensive countries on their social security checks and such).

Golden Girls - the fact that partnering back up rescues people from the financial fallout of gray divorce according to the article, doesn't mean that you have to couple back up. Much of those financial savings could be realized by co-housing - sharing expenses with friends or room mates. I don't know why more people don't do that. Good friends or family can fill in the holes left by a romantic partner's exit.

Other suggestions out there?
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 07/24/19 04:40 PM

Remember too the best revenge is living well. I moved to a lower cost suburb but have a nicer house than my ex as a result, for 1/3 the cost. I learned to play the drums and vibraphone and have had an amateur music career (but sometimes playing with pros!) that I'm sure drives my ex crazy (because he always fancied himself the musician in the family, with his 10 Neil Young songs that he learned to strum on the guitar in college.) I've achieved professional recognition in my field. I'm arguably healthier than my ex now as we age. I think I look younger (even though he's 4 years younger than me). The kids all love me and have fraught relationships with him (or in the case of one son, no relationship). I'm happier than he is too (always was).
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 07/24/19 07:07 PM

I saw that article as well recently on another site (waves - feel free to wave back).

When evaluating possible dating partners the thought of partnering up with another professional was certainly appealing. I got away rather well all things considered in my divorce and the dating pool in a reasonable distance of me has a number of professionals. Two nice incomes certainly would be a game changer. My ex (and B) both have more or less minimum wage incomes and presumably no retirement savings.

Sometimes I think of my rather nice life as being appropriate karma / revenge on my ex. But then I remember that what happened after she left has nothing to do with her. It's like I say sometimes - you don't know you're living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 07/24/19 09:20 PM

Quote
It's like I say sometimes - you don't know you're living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine.


I love that! Definitely a description of my marriage - not a big dark cloud but a subtle cloudy background - and I'm walking in the sunshine now (cue the Katrina nd the Waves "I'm Walking on Sunshine").
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 07/28/19 07:20 AM

Status report on CMM: two weeks into his radiation treatment and shortness of breath is becoming an issue. He really hasn't been bothered by this since he recovered from the collapsed lung in September. However his oxygen levels have been dropping for the last week and his oncologist canceled his chemo yesterday and ordered a stat CT scan to rule out blood clots. Radiation therapist thinks it is airway inflammation due to the radiation and has put him on a short course of oral steroids. This is the standard treatment but is nerve wracking since CMM has a history of intractable hiccups with steroid injections ( one episode lasted 6 months and he lost 50 lbs.). Fingers crossed that the oral steroids won't do the same and that his breathing will improve. I can see that this is making him feel his mortality, even though it's not a crisis yet - his blood oxygen levels are normal if he wears his oxygen, and he can go a couple of hours without it, but he wasn't dependent on it during the day before (only at night).

And his mystery iron deficiency anemia still doesn't appear to be resolved even after colonoscopy and cauterizatipn of some blood vessels.
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 07/28/19 01:04 PM

I am so sorry that CMM is having a difficult time of it right now. Hopefully the medication will ease the coughing and he won't have any side effects from it.

Could the iron deficiency anemia be a side effect of the chemo or any of the other medications that he is taking?
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 07/28/19 03:57 PM

His bone marrow is working fine as his white blood count is completely normal, so does not appear to be anemia due to bone marrow suppression from anemia. His iron levels were quite low and didn't improve with aggressive oral replacement (3 iron capsules AND three liver tablets with vitamin C daily) and his blood count improved only slightly with iron infusions only to start to fall again after they were done ( he's had a total of 15 iron infusions). The one grossly bloody stool he had suggests GI blood loss but his colonoscopy and upper GI endoscopy showed nothing but a couple of blood vessels that weren't bleeding but were cauterize anyway. PET scan didn't suggest and tumor inbthe abdomen.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 07/28/19 04:00 PM

Didn't suggest any tumor in the abdomen
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 07/28/19 04:13 PM

And no blood in the urine either.
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 07/28/19 11:33 PM

His iron deficiency is a mystery for sure. I do hope that his doctors can locate the issue and get his level back up to where it needs to be. Something is definitely not right.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/02/19 11:36 PM

Long day today, blood transfusion, chemo, now radiation. Having cancer can be a full time job!

Soon I'll have to tell CMM that I may be touring for a week or so in October. Hoping he's still well enough by then for me to be gone. My friend has two albums being reissued and I will be touring on the East coast with her. Lots for me to learn in the meantime.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/03/19 01:17 AM

^^^ any chance you're coming to Boston?
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/03/19 05:21 AM

I don't know the itinerary yet - it still hasn't been confirmed but will likely happen as we've toured with this headlining band before. But Boston would be a possibility; I'll let you know when I know more.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/04/19 01:08 AM

great!
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/05/19 08:47 PM

Played a fun record store in-store Saturday to celebrate the re-release of two of my friend's albums. Then yesterday went to see Weird Al - SO much fun, he had a 41 piece orchestra playing with him and it was great. Even better, I had bought the tickets months and months ago and put them away in a safe place as soon as they came. I thought I remembered only buying tickets for myself and my oldest son, but when I opened them up yesterday, turns out I had splurged on 4 tickets! So CMM came and my son invited his friend along. A good time was had by all.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/06/19 02:46 AM

awesome!
Posted By: Cadet

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/06/19 03:57 PM

Oh that would be fun to watch you in concert.
I guess it depends where and when you will be on the east coast.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/06/19 04:00 PM

Yeah it's not confirmed yet so I don't have dates, supposed to be something like second week of October but I really don't know until it is settled.
Posted By: Cadet

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/06/19 08:48 PM

Well I just looked on the website and it did not say anything but I bet I could convince Ginger to come too! smile

Keep us advised.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/19/19 11:22 PM

Will not be touring the East Coast this fall, looks like. I'm not sad because it would have been a difficult time to be away from CMM, and we will be playing 2 gigs locally with that band in mid-September - that will be enough fun for now.

Meanwhile I will be going to a conference in Napa in September and making a mini-vacation out of it with CMM by stopping in San Francisco on the way.

CMM has been having some difficulties with oxygen levels dropping and now has to use his oxygen 24/7 instead of just at night, but otherwise things are ok and I think the vacation will do him good.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/20/19 11:38 AM

frown
oh well. maybe next year. sorry CMM is having a tough time of it. xoxoxo
Posted By: Cadet

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/20/19 08:26 PM

Originally Posted by kml
Will not be touring the East Coast this fall, looks like.

Well let us know if you are going to be playing around the east coast at some other future date.
Would love to listen.

smile smile smile
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/20/19 08:41 PM

Hopefully sometime next spring.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/21/19 12:08 AM

YAY!
Posted By: Survival_Goddess

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/22/19 03:00 AM

Finally catching up here... for some reason your posts have stopped coming to my email (I'll have to check my settings).

BIG HUGS!
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 08/22/19 03:44 AM

Hey girl - was great seeing you!
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/01/19 07:46 PM

Interesting article in the WSJ today stating that marriages between people that meet online seem to be more successful.

Left yesterday morning for a working vacation with CMM - a few days of fun road trip then a few days teaching. CMM had a thoracentesis Thursday (drained 1.5 liters of fluid from his lung effusion). By Friday night he was running a fever (likely an infection from the procedure). Luckily I had some appropriate antibiotics at home so started him on a dose that night. We were scheduled to leave Saturday morning and I wasn't quite sure if we would be able to.We left although he was a little iffy yesterday. Today though he woke up without a fever so the antibiotics seem to be doing their job. Tonight we are dining at a restaurant that uses garlic in everything, so that should help cure him too!
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/09/19 09:34 PM

Well, it's been an eventful week. We got through the rest of our trip ok, conference went fine. But during the week my brother-in-law was admitted to the ICU with very bad staph sepsis (there's a 50% mortality rate). He's only 69 and in generally good health. We have no idea what started it.

Thankfully the Kaiser ICU in Portland is very up to date and started him on IV Vit C/steroids/thiamine which is a new treatment for sepsis that most places aren't using yet (I thought we'd have to fight for it but they'd already started it.) He's getting excellent care but it's still really dicey; he's had two surgeries so far to clean out some joints and may need dangerous surgery to clean out abcesses in his spine if they aren't clearing.

It just goes to show, none of us are promised tomorrow - get out there and LIVE.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/10/19 07:55 PM

Worse still, BIL has had a bad stroke and has acquired a hospital pneumonia from being on the ventilator. Things are not looking good.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/10/19 08:58 PM

Iím so sorry to hear you and your family are going through this. You are all in my thoughts
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/10/19 09:25 PM

kml,

I am so very sorry to hear about your BIL. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/10/19 10:28 PM

Ohmigosh KML... that sounds nightmarish. So sorry to hear you BIL is going through this. Praying for you and your family. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/11/19 01:43 AM

horrible! my brother from another mother had two bouts with sepsis that almost killed him. my prayers are with your bil, you and your family xoxoxoxo
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/11/19 03:59 AM

Thanks everybody. He had another stroke overnight and the prognosis is dire. They are tweaking his antibiotics and having another staff meeting Friday but honestly, I think it's just to give the family time to come to grips with the idea of pulling the plug on the ventilator. I'm personally hoping that if he's not going to survive, that he dies naturally before then so my sister doesn't have to make that awful decision.

It really teaches two things - we all live in the moment. None of us are guaranteed the future.

Second, there are benefits to cancer as a way to die. You have time to knock some things off your bucket list. You have a chance to reconcile with people in your life. You have time to plan for your survivors. Sudden deaths like this deprive everybody of that closure.
Posted By: devvo

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/11/19 08:11 AM

So sorry to hear that your BIL is in such a bad way and fully understand the way you're thinking.

You are really doing it tough at the moment. I hope you're getting and doing what you need for yourself in amongst being a tower of strength for others. I also hope those others know how lucky they are to have you in their lives.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/11/19 12:13 PM

(((kml)))
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/11/19 01:11 PM

{{{{{{{kml}}}}}}} I'm so very sorry sweetheart xoxoxo
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/11/19 01:22 PM

So sorry Kml. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/11/19 01:24 PM

Very sorry to hear.....prayers to you and your family.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/11/19 02:49 PM

So sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/12/19 03:09 AM

Spoke with my sister today. She's pretty clear that this is not survivable with any quality of life at this point. He has a Do Not Resuscitate order and they spoke with palliative care today. He has spinal abcesses but is too medically fragile for surgery; these are likely causing paralysis. He has pneumonia as well as infection in his sternum, 3 large strokes and more are probably forming, kidney failure and I imagine other organs are failing too.

She is strong and has the support of their three daughters (one each from previous marriages and one they adopted together.)

They've been married for about 22 years. My sister's first husband cheated on her and left her with a five year old child for an OW (and he's a sociopath but that's another story.). Her second husband's first wife had cheated on him. They didn't have a perfect marriage but he has been a generally good man and a good father, and faithful to my sister even during his occasional bouts with alcohol.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/12/19 03:16 AM

I'm so sorry. I pray for a quick, painless, peaceful, natural end so your sister won't have to give the order to pull the plug. {{{{{{{kml}}}}}}}
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/12/19 11:56 AM

I am so very sorry. I pray that God will take him quickly so that he does not suffer and your sister doesn't have to make the decision to take him off of life support. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/12/19 12:01 PM

So so sorry. I know these are the hardest decisions to make. I also pray for a peaceful passing with no pain.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/13/19 06:06 PM

Long discussion yesterday with my sister about her husband. She was really anticipating that this staff meeting today would be largely about when and how to take him off life support. Then last night he opened his eyes, squeezed my sister's hand on command, and when his daughter asked him "Am I (other daughter's name)?" he shook his head no!

Wow. He's by no means out of the woods and in fact has a very high risk of throwing another clot/stroke because of vegetations on his heart valve but this implies that if he does survive and nothing else catastrophic happens, he won't be paralyzed or in a completely vegetative state.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/14/19 02:31 AM

thats amazing and wonderful news!!!!! praying now for recovery!!!
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/14/19 07:14 AM

No, that's really not on the table. Despite that moment, the staff meeting today really brought home how impossible things are. The surgeries he would need ( heart valve replacement, spinal abcesses surgery) would kill him or cause worsening strokes. He's unresponsive again today. The problem is, there's nothing to do now but antibiotics but antibiotics alone can't fix the problems he has. His breathing is starting to be irregular and I suspect it won't be more than a few days. frown
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/14/19 10:23 AM

im so sorry frown
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/14/19 02:19 PM

Sorry to hear this kml. It's not easy to deal with even though I know from prior conversations that this isn't too much of a surprise. Your family is in my thoughts.

One thing I always say and firmly believe is that as long as you hold those you care about in your thoughts and heart, that they are never truly gone. <3
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/15/19 06:39 AM

The plan was to remove support measures tonight, I haven't heard yet but I pray his passing was peaceful.
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/15/19 01:37 PM

kml,

Thinking of you and your family. I pray that he passed quickly and peacefully.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/15/19 01:58 PM

Prayers for all of you!
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/15/19 05:17 PM

Apparently he's more comfortable without the breathing tube but hasn't passed yet. I can't imagine the stress.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/15/19 06:40 PM

I know that I find the most inappropriate things funny - but it does sound like a scene out of The Holy Grail - hope you're amused and not offended.
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/15/19 07:43 PM

kml,

Yes, I can imagine the stress. The doctor told my family that if we opted to shut down all machines and take the breathing tube out, my father would pass within minutes. That didn't happen. He gasped for air for over an hour and it was horrible to watch this take place. My father fought like h@ll to live, but eventually his lung function couldn't be maintained and he finally passed.

I don't envy anyone that has to make the decision to end life support for a loved one. In some cases, it's not an easy thing to watch.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/15/19 07:58 PM

Luckily he seems peaceful and comfortable I'm told.

And yes, Andrew, I know the scene you mentioned wink

I was certainly hoping for a quicker and less ambivalent ending. I'm praying he doesn't end up in a chronic vegetative state ( unlikely, as he has spinal abcesses all the way down his spine as well as multiple strokes and likely to have more.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/15/19 08:11 PM

This all has me thinking a bit about loneliness, and whether introverts or extroverts cope better with such losses as divorce or death of a spouse.

My sister is very extroverted and has a large circle of friends. On the one hand, I imagine those friendships will sustain her. On the other hand, the loneliness of losing a spouse must be doubly hard for an extrovert. For me, as an introvert (although a pretty outgoing one) time alone is comfortable and a time to recharge. For an extrovert like her, the alone time is excruciating. Thank goodness she has one daughter still living at home and another one who plans to move back in.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/15/19 11:16 PM

Well, he just passed. My brother said it was very peaceful and calm, thank heaven. Unbelievable to think it was just 14 days ago that he started to feel sick. Boy, life can turn on a dime.

Don't waste too much time on the exes. Life is meant to be LIVED.
Posted By: pinn

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/15/19 11:37 PM

Originally Posted by kml

Don't waste too much time on the exes. Life is meant to be LIVED.



I'm so sorry KML. That was incredibly quick.

Your last quote is so very true.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/16/19 01:02 AM

I'm so sorry Ellie. We just never know how much time we have. It's important not to waste what we're given and to be grateful. Said more for me than you.

Regarding extrovert vs introvert. I dunno ... I think introverts have a harder time letting people in so when the person they trust most in the world dies or leaves, it's pretty devastating.

That's just my thought though.

Hugs to you and yours xoxoxo
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/16/19 03:03 AM

Thinking of you KML. Thank you for reminding us how precious life is. He (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/16/19 04:35 AM

Iím so sorry for you and your families loss.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/16/19 11:37 AM


kml,

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/16/19 02:38 PM

Iím so sorry for your loss.
Posted By: JujuB

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/16/19 02:58 PM

So sorry for you and your family.
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/16/19 07:52 PM

I am so very sorry for your loss. May you and your family find comfort in the days ahead from the many memories that you created and shared w/him over the years. He is at peace now, no more pain and is always there within your hearts.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/25/19 05:11 PM

Just checking in to see how you and your family are doing in what are some very tough times. ((kml))
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/25/19 08:36 PM

Flying up to go to the funeral this weekend. The total numbness had started to wear off for my sister, so it's difficult. But she's also really tough and has dived into doing all the many little things that need to be done in this situation. I spent an afternoon last weekend running various financial scenarios for her and I think she'll be all right; she'll have to tighten her belt but she knows how to economize, and in the long run she'll have adequate money for retirement when the time comes.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/26/19 06:36 PM

Deepest sympathies to you and your family ((((kml)))).

I always like to believe that as long as you hold people dear in your hearts and memories that they are never truly lost to you.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/28/19 08:54 AM

thinking of you and your family this weekend dear heart xoxoxoxo
{{{{{{{kml}}}}}}}
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/29/19 04:49 PM

I'm at my sister's house, her husband's funeral is today. And early this morning she discovered our mom dead on the stairs. frown

Mom was 87, but in good health for her age. She did have early signs of dementia and was terrified of dying of it the way some of her siblings did, so a quick passing is kind of a blessing. I don't believe she actually died from the fall (no one heard a noise, and it would have been a short fall. ) My guess is she had a sudden heart attack or stroke that caused the fall. By other signs it looks like death came quickly.

Please pray for my sister who is at her breaking point.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/29/19 05:22 PM

kml,

I'm so sorry. You, your sister, and your family are in my prayers.
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/29/19 06:47 PM

I am so very sorry about your mom. I am keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers, especially your dear sister.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/29/19 06:50 PM

Iím so sorry for your loss!

Prayers for everyone all around
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/29/19 08:37 PM

Oh my. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I wish that there was more than words I could give you ((((kml and sister))))
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/29/19 08:43 PM

oh honey I'm so sorry!!! {{{{{{{xoxoxoxo}}}}}}} to all of you and yes prayers also
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/29/19 11:49 PM

So very sorry for all of you. My condolences!
Posted By: DonH

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 09/30/19 06:18 PM

Wow - just wow. I so hesitate to even mention the phrase about things like this coming in threes. At least God typically doesn't give us more than we can handle - another good phrase to remember at times like these. I'm sure you are a big help to her - just knowing you from here. So sorry to hear though KML. Glad you let us know and also know you can always come here for any needed additional support.
Posted By: WenikiTiki

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/03/19 04:01 AM

I popped in to check in, after many years away.... Oh my!

I am sorry for the loss of your mom and BIL. I hope you are able to keep doing the next right thing. I am sure you will.

Take Care!
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/03/19 07:09 AM

Hey girl! How are you? Where are you???
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/05/19 01:36 AM

Well, spent last night in the ER until mid nite while CMM got transfused two units of blood ( this has been an ongoing problem with some kind of little blood vessel leaking in his gut - NOT tumor related). He went for his regular pre-chemo blood tests yesterday and they called him because his hemoglobin was critically low (5.3!) and he went to the ER to be transfused. Now today we went to his oncology appointment (his oncologist decided to postpone chemo for two more weeks and get another bronchoscopy next week) and on the way out we stopped at the lab for a repeat blood test. They called us when we were halfway home to tell us it was still low (6.7) and to go back to the ER. So here we sit again, his first bag of blood is hanging and they're going to admit him overnight.

What's weird is his oxygen levels have been improving this past week despite the drop in red blood cells. Go figure.

So just a lot on my plate - appointment tomorrow with the mortuary team at the cemetery, carpets cleaned today, made hotel reservations for my sister, still have to finish the obituary, find the pink slip to the car, etc etc etc.
Posted By: devvo

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/05/19 08:52 AM

You're doing it hard at the moment kml. The universe must be stacking up the good bits for you, just waiting to send them at the best possible time. That, or you have been incredibly unlucky with how this is all panning out.

Let's hope things start turning the corner.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/05/19 01:16 PM

Big hugs (((kml)))

You are one heck of a lady. A true force of nature.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/05/19 03:13 PM

So much to deal with KML. frown Andrew is right... you are a force!! Hope CMM feels better soon and your TODO list gets done in record time. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/07/19 12:31 PM

CMM got admitted overnight on Friday and transfused another 3 units (for a total of five units in 48 hours). They did an upper GI endoscopy and did find some small ulcers but it's not clear if they were enough to cause this much blood loss.
Repeat blood count today, if he's still leaking like a sieve he may need a capsule camera down his small intestine to look for a bleeding blood vessel.
Meanwhile Mom's funeral is Friday and I still have a lot to do to prepare for that.
It's just lot.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/07/19 01:11 PM

It's just a lot
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/07/19 01:42 PM

(((((kml)))))

Sending thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes your way!
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/07/19 08:06 PM

Sending thoughts and prayers your way. You got a lot on your plate right now and I hope that things will settle down for you very soon.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/09/19 11:49 PM

Well CMMs hemoglobin was stable on his Monday draw so maybe he will stop leaking like a sieve.

Working my way through paperwork as executor of my mom's estate - which is super simple but still requires a lot of paperwork. This whole thing does leave me with some useful advice for others (note that my mom did most of these things right):
Make sure you have listed your beneficiaries properly on your retirement savings accounts. Don't be that divorced person who never took their spouse off. Putting your kids or other heirs on there simplifies matters greatly.

Make sure you have a proper will and it and all your important papers are in a readily accessible file so your heirs don't have to search for them.

Mom added a typed note with her will that specified who got what in terms of certain small items of sentimental value but the best thing about it was the love she expressed to her family in the note - very comforting.

You might think that owning your cemetery plot simplifies things - and it does, in a way - but one caveat here. My mom bought the plot next to my father's in 1969, when he died. It was just an ordinary cemetery at the time, but now is smack dab in the middle of the homes of the rich and famous. While it's great that we have the plot paid for - they're worth $25k and up now - it has also resulted in higher than normal burial costs. That's ok for us, because she had money enough to pay for everything, but it's kind of an unintended consequence. For example - the mortuary in Oregon where she died, charged about $5k for embalming, coffin (which had to be a $2500 one for air transport) and flying her home. But the fancy schmancy cemetery is charging $11k for interment, gravestone (about $2k) and receiving charges. Probably would have been half as much at a less fancy location. Like I said, not a problem for us as there was plenty of money in her accounts to cover this but something to think about in your own planning. (I personally will plan to be cremated - much simpler and less expensive.)

Although this wouldn't be for every family, my mom put me on her bank accounts which has simplified things greatly in terms of paying for burial costs and will simplify paying out some of the inheritance. Note this is dangerous in families where there might be strife or unreliable heirs who could pilfer the money, but it was the right choice in my family and made things simpler.

Also - if you have a ton of crap, go through it! When my mom moved in with me several years ago she got rid of a lot of the stuff she had in her home, and I'm thankful I don't have some huge accumulation of junk to sort through.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/11/19 06:11 AM

{{{{{{{kml}}}}}}}
it is a lot. glad CMM is stabilizing.

yeah, I've got 75 years of junk to go through here. not looking forward to that.

God Bless you honey, you've got a lot on your plate. Sending hugs xoxoxo
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/11/19 04:20 PM

Originally Posted by kml
Make sure you have listed your beneficiaries properly on your retirement savings accounts. Don't be that divorced person who never took their spouse off. Putting your kids or other heirs on there simplifies matters greatly.
All very good points. I did find on my pensions that it took multiple attempts to have my ex removed so I examine the statements carefully every year.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/12/19 04:01 AM

Well today was my mother's funeral. It was a beautiful day and we had a lovely graveside service. My old high school friend who is a Catholic priest now did a lovely service. Because she was being buried in my old home town, several of my old school friends came. Two of my older cousins flew in from out of state. My best friend played guitar and sang. The son of my mom's best friend, who was like a cousin to us growing up, was there with his wife. My college boyfriend, who my mom let sleep on the couch one summer when he was broke, was there. All my siblings and their kids, and my one brother's grandkids were there. We had a nice luncheon/wake at a local restaurant after, a place we actually used to go as a family when we were young.

A difficult but lovely day. It felt really good to be surrounded by so much love and so many memories.

Unfortunately CMM has his panties in a bunch because an ex-boyfriend was there. Ex-boyfriend from FORTY-SIX years ago!!! Who has been nothing but a friend (like, talk maybe every 3-5 years) ever since.

Not my circus, not my monkeys. His OCPD gets pretty ridiculous at times, and frankly, today is my day to mourn with family and friends who knew her. I'm sorry he's upset but this possessive bullsh!t is, well, frankly bull.
Posted By: devvo

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/12/19 05:40 AM

It sounds as though your mother's funeral was one done right - a time to remember the one who has passed and to reconnect with other loved ones.

CMM really does have some issues. It's up to him to decide how long he's going to make himself angry and miserable - and I'm glad you haven't bought into it all. Does he ever recognise the compassion and love you show consistently show him?
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/12/19 10:21 AM

Iím so sorry for your loss and all youíve . Going through lately. Youíve been caring for everyone lately and holding it all together for everyone.

Do something for yourself, girl
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/12/19 10:34 AM

Devvo - yes, he does recognize all the care I give him. He's generally very grateful except when things bump into his Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder stuff - then he doesn't have any insight into how weird he's being.

G - yes it's time for what my bff calls Radical Self Care. And it may sound weird in the circumstances, but my sister, nieces, son and I are taking Monday off and going to Disneyland. (My sister is a big Disney nerd and always used to take the nieces and nephews when they were little).
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/12/19 02:16 PM

Originally Posted by kml
G - yes it's time for what my bff calls Radical Self Care. And it may sound weird in the circumstances, but my sister, nieces, son and I are taking Monday off and going to Disneyland. (My sister is a big Disney nerd and always used to take the nieces and nephews when they were little).
What a fabulous idea. Adding some joy and positive memories as a cap to the recent events.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/12/19 08:30 PM

I LOVE all things Disney - even more so all things Universal, especially Florida. But I digress. You have done so well through all of this KML. I really have to wonder if CMM was not sick, potentially terminally so, would you be hanging around. You may well be correct about why he does what he does but please donít excuse it or explain it away. I donít know what Iíd do but likely the same as you. How do you break up with someone in this situation. Itís not like heís treating you terrible - Iím sure heís not. Iíll say it again he is sooooooo dang lucky to have you. Then again perhaps he does and thatís why heís so jealous.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/13/19 12:08 AM

I'm so glad you're doing radical self care

you've been through a lot. time to focus on you for a bit

xoxoxo
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/15/19 05:21 AM

Well, we went to Disneyland today (13 family members). The first ride we went on was the Jungle Cruise. The boats are made to look rustic, including some ďgraffitiĒ carved into the wood. In our boat, a heart with momís first name was prominently displayed at the front of the boat!!!

Later, CMM and I were on the Mark Twain paddle wheeler boat and on the music they played Red River Valley - a song that my friend sang at momís funeral.

Hi mom. smile
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/15/19 01:33 PM

I am so glad you went to Disneyland. It is my favorite of all of them. I love the fact that your mom's name was prominently displaced at the front of the boat. All of you need this outing to help relieve the stress and reconnect once again.

It sounds to me like your mom was telling you that she was okay, i.e., especially after hearing the Red River Valley song.

Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself. You've had a lot going on in a very short time period.
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/15/19 01:43 PM

Yeah, my mom always had a tiny little psychic streak so I figured weíd ďhearĒ from her at some point, just wasnít expecting it so soon!
Posted By: job

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/15/19 05:16 PM

When you have a chance, please start a new thread.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/16/19 02:03 AM

wow hi mom indeed! xoxoxo I'll 'see' you on your new thread xoxoxo
Posted By: kml

Re: Gray Divorce Fallout - 10/16/19 03:08 AM

Starting a new thread, find it here:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2868403&#Post2868403
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