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My Future Awaits

Posted By: ballast

My Future Awaits - 07/03/19 10:23 AM

Hi all...

Long time poster on the "For Newcomers" forum, but with my divorce completing this week, I've decided to move over and start a new thread here. Background story is a twice divorced father of a D4 who just recently purchased a new house. I've been dating a new lady since late March, divorced with two children. Look forward to following stories from new friends and friends I'm joining now who preceded me from Newcomers forum.

-B
Posted By: job

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/03/19 01:44 PM

Here's the link to ballast's last thread on Newcomers:

Coda....I mean it this time

Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/08/19 09:48 AM

So I'm curious if anyone can explain this to me. About 3 weeks ago, my new lady "changed". No more good mornings/good nights or sweetheart/baby/babe/honey references. She attributed this to her work going crazy, which it did, but then also as she was questioning her work decisions, she said she was questioning what she wanted for herself and in regards to our relationship. Thing is she has continually reached out to see me, engaged me with her children, holds my hand and kisses me when we're together, BUT she's just not who she was the first 2 1/2 months. 4th of July she asked me to come see the fireworks with her and her kids. We had a great time, held hands, kissed, etc, but still just not how we had been. She will initiate texting me, I will reply, not right away but in a normal time. Then when in the past where we'd have a conversation, the text convo just goes dead.

This past Friday she left to go out of the country. I wondered if she would text me before she left and she did. There was a bit of back and forth. She said "I will probably be more communicative with you than I've been in the past three weeks because of work" and gives me a thumbs up emoji. She's taxi'ing so I tell her "I love you" she says "love you" and that ends our chat. Over the weekend again she has texted me each day, sending me pictures of her and where she is, I reply to her about her trip, the pics she's showing me, but then again sudden silence. There's no feelings for me in her text. I'll get a picture, the text convo stops and then I'll see her Instagram with lots more pictures. Last night, she sent me something sexual by text (which she hadn't done in a long time) I reply with a similiar sexual response and then again...nothing. And then a bit later her Instagram is updated with all of her pictures that I've not seen.

Throughout this whole deal I've not once been needy, no texting/calling to say "are we alright?, where are you? blah, blah, blah". I'm just replying non-emotionally, but positively to her texts, but she's just not who she was and this whole she texts, I text, done is just so different from how we've been to now. In looking back at our emails from when we got together I found the following: "I will challenge you to slow down sometimes". Now she never came out and said "ok, B this is the challenge time" and honestly beyond our talking in the honeymoon period I've not been moving fast. I'm stumped, full stop. Is she testing me? She texts me and when we are together we hold hands, kiss, but that spark of excitement/being interested sexually just seems blah, but was/is that just due to work? And now here she is on vacation where she said she would be more communicative and to an extent she is, but she's still not her old self. A part of me feels I deserve better and need to end this relationship. If she needs space/time that's fine, go do your thing and if I'm still single after you do we'll see. The other part of me is just lving my life, answering her texts as they come in and bein happy with her and her children when we go out, but this is extremely frustrating.

Anyway...this is as much a journal as anything. Any of you who may have any comments/insight into what in the world I'm dealing with I'd love to hear from you.

-B
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/08/19 11:29 AM

B,

I am going to suggest to you that even though you are not texting needy statements you are being needy by wanting more interaction.

Are you guys intimate?

I think you are doing everything right as far as backing off so if the current situation is not enough for you then may want to considering ending it.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/08/19 11:49 AM

LH,

Yep, agreed. Even though I don't text needy, my feelings for wanting more are needy. Thing is for 2 1/2 months we were 100 mph and now with no real explanation we're around 35 mph. She's not hot, not cold, but warm.

We haven't been intimate since a big event at her work sent her into workaholic mode. As I say though "intimate" she does kiss me out in public on her own, she reaches for my hand when we are in public and she snuggles into me on sofas and wants my arm around her so...Intimate also for the past 3 weeks would have been very difficult from a schedule perspective as I've had my D4 and her kids are with her mostly and between work and their summer programs...alone time for us right now is a very challenging thing to achieve.

I'm just doing what I know I need to do. I am backed off, answer her texts in time, short and positively. When I go out with her and the kids are along, I just keep it light, happy and we have a great time. Few days ago she measured the kids in the door of their house...and she measured me too and put my name up. Something small I know, but ladies don't do stuff like that with men they are considering breaking up with. And yet...we're not fully like we were, instead plodding along at 35 mph for a reason that she hasn't adequately been able to explain. I've heard some friends say "she may have very deep feelings for you, but is scared as the relationship was not on her time and how she had planned to work on herself, but now with you she's worried she won't stick to her original plan".

This is NOT hurting me and heck I"m not looking to speed it up to some crazy pace. LIMBO. simple as that. Just going to have to keep rolling with it, live my life and see what happens.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/08/19 12:29 PM

IMO she is either scared, maybe confused or there is someone else in the background. Like L said you have to decide if this is enough for you and if your willing to play the game.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/08/19 04:04 PM

TB...yes of what she has told me I know scared/confused to be the more likely for why she has pulled back. I don't discount the someone else is possible, although it just does not line up with her actions or her availability given her work schedule.

On a separate note, just got notified that my D was signed and official as of 2 July. The long ordeal that troubled me for many months, but from which I ultimately got through it is now final and done. Funny...the only thing I feel or think now that it's done is of my D4. May God help me to make sure that the conclusion of the marriage between me and her mother does not negatively impact her life going forward. In the short of it, her life is the only thing that matters to me now.
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/09/19 10:10 AM

B,

The key for you will be to open up the lines of communication with you and the ex. As long as you are cordial with one another and can discuss important topics that come up your D will be fine.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/09/19 11:05 AM

Thanks LH!

Me and the ex at least are good enough via email/text to discuss any topics that come up. Seeing each other face to face...she is FAR from ready for that and it's not like I'm doing anything to make it difficult for her. Time will tell if/when she feels up for that.

D4 slipped yesterday and said "Mommy's friend *****". No big surprise on that really as it was bound to happen. Just another part of the post-D realtiy that I need to be prepared for.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/15/19 05:00 PM

well GF just sent me the dreaded email "Wondering if I could come over and we can talk?"

crazy how i was split 18 months with my ex-W who NEVER wanted to talk and now the girl I fell in love with and who fell hard for me wants to come over and talk.

From having already lost the ex-W and being just divorced, I'll just take what comes (which I don't imagine could be anything but she wants to split) and move on.

Any comments/helpful words I'd love to hear. Honestly would be fine with her just dumping me by email and getting it over with.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/15/19 05:23 PM

First - don't ASSume. The talk might be about something else entirely, so wait for it.

Second - one of the silver linings about divorce was that I no longer feared being dumped. Being dumped after 26 years, I feel like being dumped after just dating for a while is small potatoes. Honestly, I fought so long and so hard for my marriage, I feel like if some guy isn'tcrazy into being with me, I don't need him. The LAST thing I want is to be back in a relationship where I'm doing the heavy lifting with someone who isn't all that enthused about being with me. And one thing I've learned dating after divorce is there are plenty of guys who are enthused about being with me.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/15/19 05:37 PM

kml... Definitely NOT trying to ASSume, but no man has EVER heard those words and the conversation was not the end. I would LOVE to talk with her about our relationship because I genuinely care about her, am in love with her and want our relationship. For her to say what she did in that way...a man's defenses go crazy. Silly perhaps but so true.

And yes, I know this 2nd point very well. If this is the end, it is not so much that it is the end, but that I thought she was wonderful and we had so much potential. To have had her telling her whole family how in love she was with me and then in less than 90 days pull the plug...did that mean all of what she felt at first were lies? From the beginning I've felt how I've felt and meant it stil. What can we do but go on. I will of course if that happens, but this short 3 months will have hurt me far worse than the 18 months I just endured. At least with ex-W I knew she couldn't stand me. None of this makes sense and honestly I laugh to God sometimes wondering "how much more are you going to pour on me lord?". I know I'll endure. This relationship has helped me learn and grown in many ways. No matter what I'll accept and go on.

Thank you for your comments!

-B
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/15/19 05:40 PM

B,

Youíre well equipped now.

Listen
Validate
ďIím sorry you feel that way but if you change your mind give me a callĒ.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/15/19 05:47 PM

Quote
To have had her telling her whole family how in love she was with me and then in less than 90 days pull the plug...did that mean all of what she felt at first were lies?


PLEASE look up "love bombing". Mature adults really should be more mature than to be "madly in love" within a short time of meeting someone. That's a huge red flag. Anybody over 30 or with a few relationships under their belt should exercise more caution and understand that while infatuation feels great, it takes at least a few months to really get to know who someone is.

People who come on super strong in the beginning should be viewed with caution, if not outright suspicion, until you have spent a few months getting to know them.

Love bombers are very seductive and it's easy to fall into their trap but there's usually something wrong at the core. Often they have "dark triad" personality disorders of narcissism, sociopathy or Machiavellian tendencies. Please read up on it before you meet with her. It may be enlightening.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/15/19 05:56 PM

When my rebound relationship ended it stung even though I knew it was unlikely to turn into anything and I was expecting it to end.

But - what I got out of it was that "hey - I do have something to offer and there are people out there who want what I'm selling".

I then took a fairly long break and worked on finding out who I was which has given me a strong foundation to stand on I think.

This too shall pass.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/15/19 06:03 PM

Thanks LH and kml.

I will look up the love bombing. She was "so in love" as she told the women in her family. She approached me first and was always genuine in her interest. As I've said before though...she's been in counseling with a plan to make time for herself outside of work. When work got crazy she pulled away and then she got to questioning us.

Listen, validate and let me know else have a nice life. I read the quote in your signature many times LH, but only recently given what has happened with new girl have I taken it to heart. I will not chase. Just will NOT do that. I will walk directly and in the exact opposite direction from her as the high value man that any woman would be lucky to have.

My counselor has told me I can't save her nor fix her nor anything about work consuming her whole life and I know that. She has no balance in her life by her own choice and inaction. Counselor does believe she'll regret letting me go. Who knows, this whole thing if it ends just blows me away.

-B
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/15/19 06:05 PM

FWIW.....every girl that has come on strong right out of the gates has never worked out for me. The longest anyone of them lasted was a month.

Slow and steady wins the race.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/15/19 06:07 PM

Andrew thanks for your comments! I guess because we both thought this one had potential to go a long way, that makes this all the more confusing.

Thankfully I am aware of other ladies who have shown interest in me and that knowledge helped me a ton getting through my D. The seemingly randomness of emotions from ladies...I'm not naive enough to say I won't try again, but I completely do wonder if ANY modern relationship can last til death do us part anymore. And that makes me question why bother then to start again in the first place.

-B
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/16/19 09:15 AM

well as expected "so we can talk" was the kiss of death for our relationship.

of course she pushed back the time for us to talk because of work and she said to me "need to go over some things that I can put in for work tonight" meaning that she was going to leave work, come home dump me as if firing an employee and then go back to work. i listened though she had very little to say beyond the fake chit chat she tried to open with. we had no time to fight or create real reasons for the demise of our relationship. all of those talks we had about relationships, turning in to each other when things came up in life that we would handle together, never happened. best as i can tell it was all lies.

as i knew she was dumping me before i left to go see her i looked up work addiction. honestly, thinking it more of a joke if I found any hits for it, instead i found that it was a factual mental health issue. so much of what it said describes her currently. she has been in counseling in which she has been challenged to figure out how to reduce her workload and create more of a life balance for herself. my counselor had said to me on hearing that you can't fix her, if she splits with you it was all on her as this issue predates you. she said i was wonderful, i said then why are you quitting and throwing us away. bottom line she wants to handle the changes she says she wants to make by herself.

at that i got up, empty my water, put on my shoes, went out to my car and brought in the things she had loaned me. she said you can't just walk out you are part of my life now, i told her sadly no i'm not. she asked to hug me crying, i stood there and let her put her arms around me. didn't lean into her nor put my arms around her. i told her i loved her, you know where to find me if you change your mind and i walked out. and unless she contacts me somewhere down the line, she will hear nothing but complete silence from me.

i can say i didn't, WE didn't deserve this and she knows this. not trying to be a victim, but it's true. we DID NOT spend enough time together to have legitmate issues between us from our interactions/time together. she said "right now i'm not able to give our relationship all the time that i want to give it." i know she has some deep feelings for me, but bottom line her work trumps everything in her life. heck who's to say she might have said I was the world to her, but in the end whatever her reasons she let me go and it hurts like h**l. but i left like a man. i won't chase her and it is her right to do with her life as she sees fit. i saw a ton of wonderful in her and it is comical that one week ago she was kissing me, holding my hand while she snuggled beside me and watch fireworks on the water with her kids....and now this.

i'm sure folks will say "take some time, work on you" now that this has happened. fact is throughout this experience I've worked on myself, i have learned and will continue to do so. the truth is this split was not about me. this was about her life and what she needs to do for herself. i will always be in love with the woman i found, i guess it's possible she could change her mind, but now that she's shown that when things come up in life she would rather work through them alone than with me, at what cost would i pay to take her back.

LH, man I didn't listen much, as she said very little. said how good I was at communicating and she was horrible, but she said enough to for me to know what she wanted. i validated her as best as i could given the few coherent words she put together. she looks exhausted, looked that way before she left for her trip. ain't mine to fix. I loved her.

-B
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/16/19 09:46 AM

Sorry man. Life is really tough sometimes. My guess is you will get texts like "this is hard". Stick to your guns. She needs to be able to meet your needs.

Keep on keeping on.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/16/19 10:53 AM

Iím so sorry. You handled that very well. And you are right, this is her issue, not yours, nothing you can change about how you were in the relationship.

I would caution you one thing Iíve realized is so so so important. If you decide to date again, WAIT on the kid meetings. Kids get attached and while you are dating, they canít see women come in and out. Date. But keep it at dating for a while.

Again, Iím sorry. Sheís got her issues she needs to fix. Iím sure she has a lot of love for you, but sheís just lost.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/16/19 11:49 AM

Sorry B, there was 1 girl that I dated who said similar things to me. It seemed she had our entire future planned out in just 3 dates. Then 4 days later dumped me. You just never know and I chalked it up to a lesson learned. Hang in there...sorry this happened. There will be others.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/16/19 01:39 PM

Honey you were with her for three months. You were infatuated with her. Love is a deeper thing that takes time and knowing. You can't really "love" someone you barely know - at that point you're just in love with the fantasy of who they could be.

That's okay, it's normal, we humans are super susceptible to those infatuation hormones because they feel so good and you had a big hole in your life to fill. But those infatuation hormones also cause us to make mistakes and blow past giant waving red flags. In my youth, they led me to ignore the signs and marry a man who turned out to be a narcissist and a serial adulterer.

Having those feelings about someone is a start but it's not ENOUGH; you can have those feelings about someone who is all wrong for you. In fact, some people only have feelings for people who repeat bad patterns from their past, like the child of an abusive parent who is drawn to abusive partners.

As adults, our job is to look beyond the feelings and assess whether the person is right for us. And give things enough time for the infatuation feelings to cool down enough to see if the person you get to know is really the right person for you.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/16/19 01:41 PM

I'm still sorry this happened though, rejection hurts, even when it's clear it's not about you.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/16/19 02:00 PM

kml...I know that you are absolutely correct. I was more correctly in love with the potential/fantasy that I saw in her/us.

thing is i was cognizant enough to realize we both took off way too fast AND i was over the last month more aware of and completely willing for she and I to adjust, slow down, live in the present and see if we could develop what we were feeling for each other. but it was not to be. she is not in a place where she needs/wants to be and the reasons predate me. i find myself reflecting back on my frustration about how this makes zero sense and is amazingly baffingly, but then i catch myself and realize that it only has to make sense to her and apparently it does. with the love of my D4 and my family and my belief that God has carried me through my 2nd divorce, i steady myself, let her go and keep going forward for the time when hopefully i'll one day find a great lady who will want to stay and never leave. I am hurt, heartbroken, BUT I'm not afraid and that's all I got.

-B
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 02:56 PM

meh i'm struggling. didn't sleep last night. never had that happen even when going through BD with my exW. with no distractions and my mind free to roam it just went introspective on me and kept me up. instead of forcing it, i just stayed up, went to the gym this morning to get some exercise and get me back into a rhythm and need for sleep.

the whole analytic mind run amok. i know better than to contact her, but the whole "how could she?" "maybe it was my fault, but it can't be my fault?", "how can she be in love with me and then bail?", "maybe what she said was just a lie and she found somone else?"...all COMPLETELY cheeseless tunnels I know.

bottom line she wanted to leave and therefore I had to let her go, now go on with my life and put the past to rest. I know the path, just got to cut myself some slack, take some grace and keep putting one foot in front of the other. she helped me decorate my new place, her imprint/our history is all over it. the new sectional we bought together and were excited to get, football sundays on it. the new bed where we expected to pillow talk and for her to stay over, she stayed one night and I can still see her body laying there. just stuff to get through, no other way to put it. just heartbroken, but pushing on.

-B
Posted By: LH19

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 03:42 PM

Sorry man! Hang in there.

This to shall pass.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 04:08 PM

Did you read up on Love Bombing yet?
Posted By: Twofeet

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 05:02 PM

B,

It sounds like you two became too invested too fast. Maybe love bombed each other. You just went cold turkey and your body is craving that oxytocin rush. Learn and move forward. As for the question you keep asking yourself, one main thing I learned from D was that your partner never loves you the way you think they love you.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 05:23 PM

so i have looked at the love bombing concept, but that definition of being excessive of gifts, affection, etc, I do not feel that was us. ironically what I think DID quickly connect us was that surprisingly both of us are currently in counseling and have been for some time. that sense of connectedness in that each of us was doing work on ourselves AND could related to one another in that "language" was a major hook for both of us. and up front we both acknowledged right away a strong mutual physical attraction to one another. she loved that I was very open with my feelings, could communicate them to her clearly and they matched her desires/beliefs. for me unlike my ex, she was very expressive of her feelings, she was very happy in being a mother, she was educated, i did not feel as though i had to downgrade myself to connect with her. heck favorite numbers matching, travel destinations, etc. bottom line we connected quickly on multiple levels and for sure that contributed our speed, but love bombing i don't believe applies to us. i will say that by virtue of our respective custodies, meeting was not nearly as quick or as often as we desired and so via text/email we did a ton of sharing with one another and from the excitement of those conversations came about hopes, dreams and the predetermined belief that we would have a wonderful future together. i could say that I was the one who went too fast, but for sure from the saved chats i have between us she matched my enthusiasm all the time.

I take comfort in the fact that God knows I had thoughts of love and the most wonderful intentions and feelings towards her. I accept that she wanted to be free and I've removed myself from her life as she desired. And I am enduring. If I fell in love with her and she wanted to go and that's the end of our story well there's nothing bad in that. I am totally disappointed that we never had the chance to really find out our potential, but as i find and learn repeatedly life is not fair.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 05:31 PM

Again - PLEASE - you fell in INFATUATION with her, you didn't know her long enough for actual love.

And love bombing doesn't have to be gifts - just intense "we're in love" stuff way too early.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 05:39 PM

kml, i'm not disagreeing, but we both got to a point where we called it love and that's what we went with. for sure infatuation is valid for us, we were head over heels for each other, crazy for each other. whatever the term i can say i agree it wasn't validated/time established love by definition, but we didn't care that's what we called it.

doesn't really matter anymore anyway, if you are advising that it was totally fake/false or doomed to fail, per what has happened you are absolutely correct.

i had honest wonderful feelings for her and to the extent i was told she had the same.
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 06:00 PM

Take your time to heal B. Enjoy D4. You canīt fix what you canīt fix.

We always write about living in reality. Well, itīs about doing that in the healthier way.
Thereīs no alternative with that.

Sending hugs now!
(((B)))
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 06:50 PM

Not saying it was necessarily fake (although it may have been) but that that kind of rapid escalation in grown adults is always a little suspect. On your side, you had a big hole to fill from your divorce and may have overlooked red flags. From her side, she might have some big issues you're not aware of.

Just saying most experienced adults would take it a little slower, and the fact that she jumped in with you like that is a little suspect on its face.

(BTW, when my ex and I fell for each other in our 20's, it was similarly intense - mostly from him - for the first few months. Then his behavior began to not match his words. Many years later I know he's a narcissist, one of the dark triads that love bomb to reel people in in the beginning.)
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 07:07 PM

thank you for replying neffer! for sure I know that I can't fix what is not within my control. the primary cause of our split is solely hers and I have to remember to not take this personally.

this will pass I know. it hurts more sharply as it seemed to be a new start full of promise that never got the chance. the what if question.

kml for sure her arrival into my life was an amazing blessing seemingly after the H that I had gone through with my exW sitch. clearly zero work life balance is a MUCH larger issue for her than I ever realized it when we began.

the craziest part is that her ACTIONS were far greater than her words as recently as the 4th of July. to be out with her and her children, her snuggled to me, holding my hand, kissing me...to 10 days later gone. I know we say there were signs. I did sense them in her words to me, but not at all in her actions which to me makes this that much more confusing.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 07:37 PM

I dated a girl for a month who bought me gifts, took me out to dinner, we spent New Years Eve together, I watched her dog for her when she went out of town. She would send me pictures of her kids, we hung out 2 to 3 times per week and then one day out of the blue she was done.

Come to find out she had an on again off again BF and they had recently broke up. I was her man during the break up period.

Chances are someone else is in the background.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 08:02 PM

TBSaka...so that thought of someone else has at least crossed my mind given how her communicating via email/text changed. it went very much devoid of feelings for me, BUT she didn't go straight cold and as I say up until the 4th she was still acting/showing feelings towards me with her kids and coworkers present.

it would be a HUGE and devastating lie that she would have told me IF that were true...and anything is possible.

reality is if there were someone else, I'll likely never know anyway.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 08:28 PM

(((Ballast))) So sorry you were treated like that... as Neffer said though... we need to live in reality. Feel your feelings, take whatever learning you can from the experience and use it. Continue to work on you. What is mean to be will be. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 09:00 PM

The girl I was dating went cold over night. It was literally like a light switch.

Her excuse for ending things was...Ö."I just know it won't work between us, I am truly sorry". No other explanation.
Posted By: DonH

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 10:21 PM

Ballast, I know that what you are feeling is real, even if what you had was not. But, wow, you're only 34 years old. I don't say this to make you feel bad but in hopes of slow you down. You're only 34 but already divorced twice. You have a very young child that needs your attention and doesn't need distractions or to start forming bonds with other mother type figures that then disappear from her life. There is a reason they say to take care of yourself first and not date or for sure seriously date someone for at least a year post D. That should be your focus here. It seems like you are reaching so fast for anyone who will fill a void for you. You don't need someone to make you whole, rather you should become a great person that then someone else can only enhance - rather than require. You're so quick to jump to replace someone in the R role. I can only hope you'll now just take a break from all of this to work on you. You can have a great life without a GF. Do that for a year or two and you'll still only be 36. Heck, I know many people 36 who are never married. There is no rush for you to find someone. Use this as a learning experience.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 11:20 PM

So Don...my apologies up front...I am NOT 34. When I first joined and was paranoid that my exW was watching me I fudged my age. Somewhere in a post long ago I let folks know I was mid-40's...just never update the signature.

My D4 is doing very well all things considered. Week on/week off custody has been in place for better than a year now and she loves my new place. When she's with me she and I are together enjoying ourselves non-stop and for the record she has met ZERO mother type figures as yet. I waited from the time my exW left until my agreement was signed before I even considered starting to date and that was 14 months. Also I've been in counseling since my exW BD and it was not until my IC and I spoke that I encountered the lady who serves as the one who just concluded seeing me AND I will be meeting with my IC again this week to discuss what has happened and plan to continue seeing her and working on myself.

Thing is when I did decide to OLD I had very low expectations for it. I just figured put myself out there, see what happens. Well the lady I'm speaking of currently in my thread was the one who contacted me and I had been very attracted to her. Beyond swiping on her pic that was the extent of me being aggressive or proactive in seeking to fill a void. She did contact me, I was very interested in her specifically and so I pursued it.

Just want to set that straight as I'm far from out of control as perhaps I might seem. And don't worry, this one has kicked me so bad I may not ever try again. Seeing 50 on the horizon, the cruelty that exists in here today, gone the next dating...the unlikeness that I will ever be married til death do us part like my parents...single and leaving ladies alone is looking better and better with each passing day.

Again my apologies and thank you for your thoughts.

-B
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/17/19 11:39 PM

DV6! Thank you!! I really appreciate your encouragement! And it's wonderful to see friends from the For Newcomers section in the Surviving the Big D section as well!

Hope you are doing well! :-)
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/18/19 12:27 AM

I am doing very well all things considered B...thanks. I think my next thread will be in the Surviving the Big D section as my divorce should be final by the end of the summer so will be joining you soon. Please donít get too discouraged with OLD... lots of dire predictions in your response to Don that I doubt will come true. You have lots to offer and there are many great women out there who would love to have you for a partner. Just be patient and try not to rush into things too quickly when you think you may have found her. You have lots of time. I, too, have been married twice and am highly sceptical that I will go down that road a third time. But... I will never say never. The universe is full of surprises. Sending you lots of (((HUGS))) and positive healing energy. xo
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/18/19 09:40 AM

DV6...it would be wrong of me to say congratulations to you about your divorce being final, although you moving more to this section where we can all share with each other the goings on of the new, hopefully less stressful chapters of our lives is a great thing. once my divorce hearing was final, my atty wanted to high five me. i got her intent for wanting to do so, but it just didn't feel that way to me.

for sure i'm not discouraged with OLD. i have met and had wonderful experiences and memories from it to include the most recent lady. unfortunately, none of those relationships have been able to last. my main worry is that in today's world, the ability for any couple to stay together given our levels of entitlement, easy access to others, i'm unhappy and it's your fault. it's the conditions that i worry about which makes me think only heartbreak will continue if I continue to pursue further relationships. I've gone since Monday and the break up without talking to my IC. I'm very interested to get it point of view on what has transpired.

yeah, i'm very much like you on the idea of marriage. don't think i will, but would never say never. it's amazingly freeing to be at a point in life where if i don't get married again, that's ok and if I don't have any further children that's ok as well. i'm just disheartened right now from how a lady supposedly had deep feelings for me, but then we never had the chance to really get into the relationship as she ended it to be selfish and work on herself as she told me. very difficult for a logical minded man to resolve his feelings for a lady who lives in a much more emotionally driven head space. as you say the universe and life is full of surprises. also as you say we must live in our reality and what is meant to be will be. i'll just keep living my life for me and loving on and having wonderful times with my little D4 and things will sort out in time as they were meant to.

All the best to you!

-B
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/18/19 10:27 AM

Iíve OLD on and off since divorce. And Iíve been divorced a long time. This is my first lasting OLD boyfriend. I never really made it past a few dates, actually. I dated on guy a year and a half for the wrong reasons for 2 months. I wasnít attracted to him. I ended it. My other 2 Rís were guys I met offline.
While I havenít had the best of luck until now, I came to learn a lot.

The ones that start full stream ahead fizzle out pretty quickly. I could see them with a whole bunch of hope of what could be, but the truth is, it just wasnít. When you are infatuated, the world seems full of hope and promise. But over time you see what really makes you compatible . How that other person loves there life and how well it meshes with yours.

I may have had a recent complaint about M, something that We didnít see eye to eye on, something that did kind of hurt me. But we talked about it and we are both committed through the rough stuff. We donít always see situations eye to eye, but thatís normal for an R. Neither of us looks to the other to fill a good and for them to supply us with the responsibility of our happiness.

But the key is, we DATED. And I have to say, even almost a year in, we are still learning about each other. Itís a slow and steady process to build. And we both had that conversation. To keep it slow and steady because those are the Rís that last. To not burn it out.

If you could do anything differently, itís to date the person you are interested in. You get too deep, too fast. Keeping it surface for a while is a good thing. Get to know each other. Itís been the difference and game changer in this R for me. The outcome may have not changed in this R, but the level of commitment and a slower pace may have not caused so much hurt and questioning.

Hang in there. I thought I was destined to be alone the rest of my life. And Iím 39, divorced sine 28.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/18/19 11:00 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this. xoxoxo
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/18/19 07:46 PM

Originally Posted by ballast

bottom line she wanted to leave and therefore I had to let her go, now go on with my life and put the past to rest. I know the path, just got to cut myself some slack, take some grace and keep putting one foot in front of the other. she helped me decorate my new place, her imprint/our history is all over it. the new sectional we bought together and were excited to get, football sundays on it. the new bed where we expected to pillow talk and for her to stay over, she stayed one night and I can still see her body laying there. just stuff to get through, no other way to put it. just heartbroken, but pushing on.

-B


First and foremost, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It hurts, regardless of the length of time you have been in a relationship with someone. It really is painful. I was not familiar with your story over in the newcomers thread but have read it here and it does seem that you progressed awfully fast in this deal. I mean, in the paragraph above, you are talking about new furniture bought together....3 months in? That just seems like lightning speed to me. I'm the first one to say that everyone has to move at the pace that works best for them, but that just seems super fast for anyone.

I hope you find the peace you need and whatever you are looking for moving forward. The only real advice I can give you is to grieve in whatever way you need to and then pick yourself up and move on. And, do NOT be one of those "never" people. You may feel like you will never find love again and you may not even want to, but never say never because you just don't know. Best of luck moving forward.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/18/19 11:27 PM

thank you Ginger, bttrfly and Dawn for you comments and support.

Given that she and I both had custody schedules that didn't match up that well, I thought that our pace of physically seeing each other and going on dates was very slow. I mean we only had one weekend together that I can recall and I'd say we probably only averaged 3-4 dates a month. So while the actual dates I think was low we did turn to texting and email way more, but here again I don't think it was any more than with any other relationship that I've had prior to this one. what was different is that we quickly established a mutual intense interest in one another. we met on the OLD where ladies make the first move. so she was in to me from the get go and I had already known if she happened to somehow contact me we would connect quickly as I was very much into her. intensity for sure was crazy high, but the actual number of dates we had to match the texting/email was far below.

also Dawn just to be clear we DID NOT buy furniture together. She simply helped me pick out the furniture that I alone bought for my new place. she just gave me a lady's touch in some of the choices I made.

I'm already more relaxed and slept fantastic as I usually do these days last night. she said she needed to be selfish right now and handle some things by herself. I don't know exactly if she actually meant she wanted to be broken up, but I respected her decision as to a guy's ears "by herself" means broken up. She knows how I feel about her and where to find me if she changes her mind. I walked straight away as I'm a great catch and deserve to be a priority in some lady's life and I've had no desire to want to try and reach out to her. Many friends at work both male and female think she will come back around, but it will possibly be too late. I've never had a lady reconsider and want to come back and get with me so I'm not even considering that as a possibility. What is meant to be will be and time will ultimately tell.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/22/19 09:50 AM

so since Monday when new girl said she needed to deal with some things in her life by herself, I respected her decision and went radio silent on her, honestly never believing I'd hear from her again.

but then last night out of the blue she texted me. she said "not sure if you ever want to talk to me again, hope that you do, but up to you." I replied that i was doing good and then said "c'mon you nkow the answer to that question. i want our relationship to continue but you don't want the same. if you change your mind on that decision please let me know. we both know this is not up to me."

then she said "i've made it clear i don't want to be in a relationship right now" and that it was up to me if i wanted to remain friends. said she cared about me and would like to figure out a way to be friends. I told her that i will always be respectful of her decision, that i think the world of her, but i only want a romantic relationship with her. i said if you ever change your mind, have the feelings that you once had for me and are interested in the same i'd love to hear from you. she replied ok, said she understands and respects where i'm coming from.

bottom line as of the 4th of july and even after she was kissing me, holding my hand and snuggling up to me while out with her kids. I do not agree to how she wants to friend zone with me, but i will completely respect her decision and right to not be in a relationship with me. I'm to good of a catch and she's said that to me to settle for what i don't want. as she said "right now" she doesn't want a relationship but wants to keep me friend zoned if/when as a possible if she does. i'm sorry i value myself too much and i'm not settling. she told her entire family, her counselor and anyone else how so in love (sorry KML just saying what she said) she was with me and now...i told her what i want, she doesn't want the same, i accept that, but she's losing all of me. decisions have consequences and i've learned from my time on here that i'm high value. if she doesn't want me, it will hurt badly because i very much was falling in love with her, but i am high value and know what i want. and there are a ton of other ladies out there and if i'm a great a catch as she says i is then she knows some other lady out there will see it too and she'll lose me. that regret if it happens is for her to deal with.

i am sad, so sad to not have the chance for she and i to continue. i'm not mad, i tried to be as loving as i could be in my replies to her while not giving up what i want and deserve in a relationship with her. i prayed last night and asked the good Lord to sustain me. i feel like God has a plan for me even if i don't understand it. i ask him why for going on 2 years now every feeling of love i've felt in a relationship he's taken away from me. its of no matter though. a cheeseless tunnel as we've said here. again KML apologies in advance. to the best of how i can say i really fell in love with new girl and she with me. i know she's overwhelmed with work right now and has things in her life that she would very much like to change, but to just let us go. how can i not think everything she said, told everyone and shared with me was not just all lies. heck now even if she came back at some point and said she wanted a relationship with me, how could i ever trust it given that she's already walked away once. thank you all for listening to me. i did what i had to do for myself. i'm done with not getting what i want from a relationship and simply taken the crumbs offered to me. maybe one day she'll get her life together and come back around. will i even want her then...i guess time will tell.

my best to all of you...

-B
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/22/19 12:21 PM

Good for you, no ones plan B, no scraps, only a romantic R.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/22/19 12:24 PM

She clearly wants to have no commitments right now. She wants your support, but no obligation to you.

Good for you. You stood firm in what you wanted
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/22/19 12:34 PM

Ginger...yep, she wants to do what she needs but keep me around. She can do as she pleases, I won't contact her at all. Her decision has consequences and the big one is that she will lose me. I am walking directly away from her...even as I so wish I didn't have to do. I've read all the crap about getting her back, I'm just doing the only thing I can do to look after myself and have my needs met and not settle for less than I'm worth or deserve. Another lady out there WILL be happy to have me one of these days. Just tired of not valuing myself and saying "ok, sure we can be friends". I hope I was able to convey in a loving way my wants and feelings. It is a shame we ended, but not my choice.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/22/19 01:32 PM

Quote
heck now even if she came back at some point and said she wanted a relationship with me, how could i ever trust it given that she's already walked away once


Exactly this!

(Oh and btw, that public affection in front of her kids? Please don't meet anybody's kids until you've dated them for six months and are pretty sure this is the one).

She's showing you her flakey side, don't ignore it.

You're missing that high of infatuation and how that made you feel. We get that. And it's intoxicating because it validated that part of you that was wounded by your ex. But you got sucked in by a flake and the rapidity of emotions was a huge red flag! Again, healthy adults who aren't in their teens or early twenties and have been around the block a time or two might feel the infatuation, but should still be evaluating whether a partner is right for them after only three months and a few dates. Don't go so fast next time. You put more thought into buying a new lawn mower.Do your research, observe and evaluate, or the emotions are going to lead you into buying a lemon.

(And yes, she's a lemon. This whole coming on hot, turning cold but still wanting to hang onto you as a friend and Plan B is Manipulative Girl 101. Whether it's deliberate or due to a mood or personality disorder, who knows. But giant red flags are waving.)
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/22/19 02:22 PM

kml...i've been here better than a year now, fully got through my divorce and the main reason I came here, but in less than a month you've kicked my butt more times and harder than anyone else ever has...and as much as I feel you kicking me, I know you are right.

I'm thankful that I've had the ability to continue to grow and learn from this experience. I'm happy that I could draw for myself the logical conclusion I came to in the quote that you highlight. To be clear it was she that was ready to introduce me to her kids on the timeline that she chose. I never pushed it and was always respectful about when she felt it was right. I can see that going forward for the children's benefit, I will push to take it very slow.

Yes, she totally has shown me her flakey side. Simply put I didn't feel we went that fast especially in comparison to other relationships that I've had. Perhaps because they have all failed, I see now that I need to slow them down even more than I realized. I don't think we weren't still evaluating each other. Heck, she's totally dumped me so clearly she's evaluated something and decided to chuck me. With us not seeing each other but 3-4 times a month I just really thought we had a good pace to us. For sure our minds/hearts got way ahead of our actual experiences together.

And yeah, my IC has said as much. She said "she's overwhelmed and for whatever reason is unwilling to do the work that she needs to do. she couldn't be with anyone right now, not your's to fix and this is totally on her." Like I say I know I have to walk away. No way I was going to go from where we were to letting her friend zone me. She made her choice, she can live with having lost me. From all she said, it's easy to believe that maybe that will bother her, but maybe she simply didn't mean any of it. Life goes on I guess.

I hope to go quiet now so you don't have to kick my butt again in the future.

-B
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/22/19 05:16 PM

Hahah - it's friendly butt-kicking wink

There's an old quote - Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

I'm definitely speaking from experience here.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/26/19 11:59 AM

so I met with my IC yesterday and explained to her the most recent events. she said that she was very proud of how i placed value upon myself, stood firm in my wants in the relationship and didn't accept the breadcrumbs that new girl had offered.

i told her i decided to get back on the horse, BUT with a completely different and hopefully more adult mindset in doing so. between much of what you all have provided and through continued reading on my own of mistakes i feel i've made, i put myself back on OLD.

i am focusing on me and moving my life forward as I see fit. given what i experienced recently it's brought into focus that instead of being all consumed about someone else/wanting to be in a relationship, i should be consumed about myself, being happy by myself and enjoying life. along those lines i've been spending some time re-exploring my interest in some new and old hobbies, continuing to purchase new items to furnish my home that only i have the decision on and just enjoying my time with D4. bottom line i'm approaching this go with much better judgement and knowledge than the time before.

for whatever reason with OLD in the past I never sought to date my age, only 5 years or more younger. never been one to worry about birthdays or getting older, but just never considered dating someone my age. well i decided to explore the possibility and i've been pleasantly surprised by what i've found. had some initial contact from more ladies than i expected, but perhaps that's because being of roughly the same age their profiles sound more "right" to me than the younger ones. the other big change in me is that this go around I'm planning to date as many as i can with the only intent of having fun. in the past i've been first one i like, relationship AND i was the pusher for it. this time if i date 5-10 ladies casually so be it and if they have interest in me past casual, well they can come after me. if at some point it feels right to me to have a certain lady add to my life as opposed to taking over my life then we'll see how it goes. i've come to realize i have no rush and i'm going to take that to heart. at the same time after going through what i went through there's no reason for me to not be out, having fun and exploring so i'm going to.

i'm disappointed that new girl bailed, but from it i have been actively learning how to better myself in many ways because of it. who knows if any of this OLD craziness will even come to a date, thing is I'm good to go if it doesn't. when the time is right if a new lady comes along that's meant to enter my life it will happen when it's time.

...now that i've said what i feel is a positive update, let me run for cover lest KML come at me with both barrels again! smile

-B
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/26/19 01:13 PM

I think the first girl you date after D is always hard. You see a spark, you see potential, you feel wanted for the first time in a while and it causes you to overlook a lot. Live, learn and keep moving.

This is one of the greatest benefits of the board to me. Getting unbiased advice from people that don't know me or have a vested interest in seeing me happy. If you're honest they can help you navigate through some challenging situations.

I am 46 and my range was 2 years older and I think 5 years younger. IMO OLD is hard because there are so many things that have to be aligned. There might be a lot of people at your finger tips or your swipes but they all don't want the same thing, value the same thing, etc. It's almost a necessary evil but one that most people don't like.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/26/19 02:32 PM

You're safe from me this time. Don't suppose you remember the old 60's song "you better shop around"? Dating is shopping - seeing what you like and don't like about different people while looking for the right match.

I do always laugh about guys who only want to date a woman who is younger even if it's just a few years. I mean, guys who want to date 20 year olds, that's a completely different creepy dynamic. But a guy say who is 40 and would date a 38 year old but not a 42 year old? Is that because guys think they need to have the "power" of being the oldest in the relationship? What earthly difference does a few years make?

I was four years older than my ex (I had never dated someone younger when I met him in our twenties) . Since my divorce in my 50's only my first date was older (by a couple of years). Boyfriends since then have just happened to have ranged from 4 years younger (current) to 9 years younger and my age has never been a factor.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/26/19 02:51 PM

kml...so yes I do know the song and for the first time probably ever in terms of dating that's what I'm going to do.

truth is rightly or wrongly I modeled my ideas on relationships/marriage as I saw from my father. only through some very painful lessons have I learned that my ideas about marriage in the 60's are completely out of whack for modern ladies/relationships. in that belief of mine, he married my mom who is two years younger. as such even back in high school I never considered dating girls within my own grade. I looked 2 grades or below simply because that is what i knew my father had done. that may sound crazy but for sure i have to believe guys model their expectations on relationships based a good bit on how they saw from their fathers.

to date I've actually had some nice intro chats with ladies 2-3 years older than me. i've never been one who has issues with birthdays, but drawing the age slider on OLD sites to beyond my age...simply had never done so before. I know i'm weird with this, just stating my feelings. perhaps there is a power aspect to it, although I've never felt that way. the past girl was 10 years younger than me, but i never felt as if we were anything, but equals. the awesome thing to me is that I've found many more ladies my age and slightly older that I'm interested in than younger now that I've gotten rid of whatever stigma i had attached to it in the past.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/26/19 06:52 PM

B...funny how we become aware of our biases over time. Funny...the only person I have ever dated who is older than me is my first XH and he is three years older. After we split, the only guys who approached me OLD were between two and six years younger than me. My XH is six years younger than me. This time around, it was the same thing...two to six years younger than me and now the guy I am exclusively dating is 13 years younger. That has REALLY been a stretch for me but I'm adjusting and he really is the one guy out of the eight I went out with who I connected with the most and who I had the most fun with. Whether or not we end up being serious longterm remains to be seen but I am hoping if we decide to call it quits, it would not just be about the age difference. TBH...most of my friends are younger than me and I look younger so maybe that's why I felt most comfortable with him? I sure hope I'm not trying to recapture my youth and am just not aware of it...lol.
Posted By: JujuB

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/27/19 01:36 PM

On old, if i read that a guy was only looking to date women that were a minimum of 6 years younger it made me think
1. Heís looking to have kids. Makes sense.
2. He has double standards about women and is not open to getting to know someone for who they are. And even if I was younger then them and met their criteria - I viewed that request as a red flag. Kind of akin to a women that will only date a man that earns a certain amount.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/29/19 11:21 AM

DV6...I think the main reason I did it was just that I never felt myself as old as the number might suggest and even though I am that age, I don't believe it's that old anyway. As I say I think it was more just my expectation based on how I grew up more than anything. For sure it could be seen as a bias, but one for which only until recently did I recognize and question why I had it.

Juju...so for sure I never made a requirement like that in my profile, nor does my age range appear when ladies see my profile.

FWIW in the past week I've had more contacts with ladies than I have days in the week to see them and they are all late 30's-40's. I'm very appreciative of the responses I've gotten to my profile and have had a great time chatting with many of them. I definitely think it's healthy and the right thing for me and them to casually date and get to know any of them so I don't repeat the quick situation I'm just coming out of. For what that is worth, I did receive a text from her this past Friday asking about a random news event and if I'd heard about it, then a "sorry to bother you" and that was it. I have dates for Tues, Wed and Saturday this week so far, I'm looking forward to having a great time with each lady and seeing what happens.

-B
Posted By: SoTorn

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/29/19 10:05 PM

Meeting a new woman completely changed my perspective on what I was dealing with in my MR. Meeting a new woman also made me feel a lot more confident. My new GF is 13 years younger than I am. She is 26 and I am 38. However, she is emotionally mature.

My new GF is not afraid to give her all, even though she was hurt in her previous MR as well. Now that I see how another woman can treat me so well and make me feel wanted and desired, I see how badly I was mistreated in my MR. My EXWW always loved me at arms length and now I can see that she never fully gave herself to our relationship.

Also, my love language is the same as my new GF, which is touch, so its a wonderful experience.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/29/19 10:29 PM

Yeah, physical touch is my love language too and my last two boyfriends have shared that. It's so nice not to feel like you're annoying someone when you touch them!
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/30/19 10:40 AM

I ended up with a tie for my top between physical touch and words of affirmation. For me acts of service was ZERO. Just looking back for the girl I was just dating, she scored a highest score possible 12 on acts of service so we were complete polar opposites on that love language.

First date tonight with one of the ladies I've met online. We've texted and talked on the phone last night. I think for sure we'll have a great time. Reminding myself to just have fun, get to know her, GO SLOW, NO RUSH. I'm tall at 6'3 and she's 5'11, I've never dated a tall lady before always have dated petite ladies. Will be cool to have a lady who can look me right in the eye...AND never having to bend over to dance with her
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/30/19 06:21 PM

That could be good! I dated a whole series of super tall guys after my divorce, just kinda by chance (the first guy I dated after my divorce was 6'6" , followed by 6'4", 6'5", 6'6" and 6'3". ) What are the odds - I never even MET a guy who was 6'6" except for once in the distant past, then I dated two. But as an average 5'6" person myself, I always felt kinda guilty, like I should be leaving them for the tall girls!
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/30/19 09:58 PM

LOL... I'm 5'10" and did not find any tall guys except the brain injured guy that was a potential stalker. Jack is 5'10" so at least he isn't shorter than me. Still...don't feel comfortable wearing heels as I would tower over him. Where did you find these guys KML...lol??? You should feel guilty. wink
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/31/19 11:50 AM

So my date went well. She was who she said she was and was a legit 5'11, maybe even 6ft. Beyond that she was that, I didn't think anything of it. My sister is at least as tall as her and I have a girl cousin who's a legit 6'3 so. I think she thought I would be intimidated by her height, but wasn't. We had a great connection as soon as we met up and we both believed that would be the case leading up to it.

KML/DV6...it's so funny you two mention the quest for the tall guys. while we were talking she was talking about why was it that the petite girls were always taking the tall guys. she felt that the short girls should be leaving the tall guys alone for the tall girls. hadn't realize that was a thing until she explained it to me.

we had a great time, suspect we may meet up again this weekend. as i have week on, week off with my son that will define my pace of dating going forward. I think it will be a good thing as it will give me some non-modifiable time every two weeks so that I don't over-see any lady.

-B
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/31/19 11:57 AM

Iím so glad it went well! I donít know why women have deal breakers of tall guys. Personal preference , I guess. My guy is 6í2 but I had no clue until I went on my first date with him. Iím only 5í3.

Iím going to caution you. Your custody schedule may dictate how often you get to see each other, but it does not determine the pace. Your last R you may have not physically seen each other as much, but emotionally, you got in too deep too fast.

Take it light and slow and get to know each other ! No discussing seeing each others ICís upfront. Keep a little mystery going on
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 07/31/19 12:56 PM

Ginger, yep for her she was thinking it would be me that has an issue with a tall lady. Height has never been a consideration for, but hey I'm tall so. Pretty much all of my previous ladies have been no taller than 5'4.

Yes, realized and agreed. I will make sure that the physical being together and emotional pace are taken slowly.

and yeah no more IC talk. hang out and have fun is it.
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/01/19 06:20 PM

Great B, great! Keep that GAL coming.

(((B&D4)))
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/05/19 11:27 AM

One thing I'm finding..."shop around" dating isn't easy. It sounds good, but it's very easy for it to get too much especially given the Internet. Over the weekend I went out again with Tall Girl and we had a great time. She is very intelligent, works in my field, very attractive, funny, has similiar interests and we get along very well together. Very early days, but for sure we have a connection and are compatible.

Thing is after 2 dates she told me that she has paused her OLD profile. Said she only wanted to date one guy at a time. Now since we just started seeing each other I was surprised that she would go singular so soon, but I can understand the logic of wanting to just date one person at a time. While we were out on our first date, I had 2 text messages from other ladies who I have dates scheduled with. There was no way I could be respectful to both of them and have text exchanges with them while also being respectful of tall girl while on our date and giving her my full attention. At the end of our date she said the "girlfriend" word. When I teased her a bit about it she replied "girl" "friend".

I know that she says she has no expectations as the other dates she has been on according to her have been total flakes, but already I feel like we are going to have to have a talk about expectations and what we both are comfortable with. I do have plans to see her again once I'm back on my non-custody week with D4, but I also before meeting her for the first time have 2 dates planned for that same week. Now I'm not sure if I should cancel those, go on them or what. I'm humbled by how many seemingly great ladies have expressed an interest in seeing me and the last thing I want to do is be hurtful or disrespectful to any of them. I know I haven't taken enough or really any time to think on how I feel about tall girl and to be honest given it is SO early I don't feel as though I should have to. I simply want to continue meeting ladies and having fun, date many so I can really get an understanding of what it is I'm looking for in a lady and maybe then have a steady partner. For now I'm excited that D4 comes back to me today, I'll revert back to my happy Daddy life and take some time to reflect on my dates with tall girl and figure out how I want to proceed.

-B
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/05/19 02:43 PM

I think you need to do what is right for you and just be honest about it. Let her know that you really like her and would like to see her again but that you arenít ready to be exclusive with anyone. She then gets to decide how she wants to proceed knowing exactly where you are at. I had the same intentions when I started OLD but I am like tall girl, I have a really hard time dating more than one person at a time. I had no problem going on a bunch of first dates with people but when I found someone I was attracted to and clicked with, I just couldnít picture myself continuing with that - especially once we had been intimate with each other. I just canít divide my affections that way. Probably why Iíve only had a handful of relationships in my life. Plus...Iím a keeper...lol. Anyway...best of luck B. Be true to yourself. It will all work out in the end. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/05/19 05:13 PM

And don't schedule dates, schedule coffee dates initially.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/08/19 12:37 PM

So I had another date last night with a new lady. I've used sunshine in the past and am so reluctant to use it again, but i have to as this new lady positively beams at me when she smiles. The OLD can quickly get out of hand as I've said before. I've been blessed that more attractive ladies have contacted me than I possibly have time to keep up with. Miss sunshine came out of nowhere and no other way to put it, she totally captivated me. Now before KML has a heart attack and gets ready to beat me up...

She and I met up for drinks (sorry KML not coffee) last night. As I have my D4 I told her that I wouldn't be able to be out for more than a drink or two and given her work schedule we met for right around 2 hours. As we both expected our connection was real and we enjoyed easy conversation with lots of laughs. There was a band playing and so it wasn't easy to talk, but we were both comfortable and would lean in to each other to talk. It wasn't all that long with the frequent leaning before we kissed. She was radiant, a ton of fun to talk with and her laugh I just love. At that point the date ended. I walked her out to her car, we kissed again for a wonderful period of time and then said our goodbyes and headed out. She's wonderful, a big part of me just wants to stop, shut down all dating with anyone else and go immediately exclusive with her, but thankfully the much wiser part of me realizes that is the completely wrong thing to do. I will go slow with her, I do plan to continue seeing others, I do plan to give her space, I will not go too fast with her. We made no plans to meet for a future date as yet, but I do hope to see her again next week if possible.

I still need to speak with tall girl about expectations. I'm loathe to have the "exclusive" talk with her after only 2 days, but she is contacting me all of the time and seems to have moved way way faster than me in making us a couple. I can't beleive I have to have that talk so soon, but I have to stay true to my feelings and what I want and the longer I wait the more difficult it could become. I hope she is agreeable to continued dating as I do genuinely like who she is and we have interests in common and I think it's healthy for me to shop around...I just don't know if she's going to be able to accept that. I plan to see her Saturday and talk with her then. Best to you all...

-B
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/08/19 01:23 PM

See, you really liked tall girl, then you dated and found someone you liked even more. And yes, please no exclusivity! Keep it light and fun. If something grows at a nice pace, then it will grow. Iím glad you are going against your natural inclination to fall hard and fast on the first date. Youíll benefit from it.

M and I were talking about first online dates yesterday. He told me that he doesnít do coffee dates because it shows that a woman is afraid of commitment. He said he went on a coffee date once and it was more of an interview. The girls actually asked his salary and it was like she was going down a checklist .

I found that interesting. Our first date was drinks and dinner, lasted almost 3 hours and ended in a sweet no tongue kiss. It was perfect.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/08/19 02:13 PM

Thank you Ginger for the words of encouragement. I'm definitely not perfect, but I am really trying to go against how I've been in the past and put in to practice the help everyone on here is giving me. Ironically now I'm on the receiving end of too much, too fast with tall girl and I'm going to have to talk with her asap about my feelings and what i'm comfortable with. So far this morning in under 3 hours, I've had 3 separate contacts from her by phone, text, email. It's just too much, too soon and I know I need to get this talked about with her sooner rather than later. I think she's a great lady, but I'm feeling pressured and that she's taken us WAY too fast.

Yeah coffee dates to me are more akin to job interviews. When I read a lady wants a coffee date in their profile, I usually pass. I like coffee as much as the next man, but if you're not comfortable enough with me to meet out a restuarant/bar, some place casual, social and fun, I'm not interested. That probably more a matter of me being the beach bar type and less of the coffee shop/urban type.

I just received the sweetest email from sunshine girl this morning. She told me that she had a great time and was very sweet in her compliments of me. I'm not going to rush anything with her. I'm learning that one of the greatest things a man can do is to give the lady he's interested in the time and space to enjoy the experiences they've had and to think of the fun yet to come. I used to race to lock a lady down, but I realize now just living my life, having fun with her and taking it slow is the far better approach. Hope to be able to see her again next week sometime, but I'll wait a while to ask so we can both enjoy in our mind the wonderful time we had last night.

-B
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/08/19 02:34 PM

I say all the time that people really have to do what works for them. You can follow all the dating advice in the world from a variety of sources, but it all boils down to you have to do what works for you personally. I'm not a coffee drinker at all, so coffee dates are a waste to me. Sure, most coffee shops offer other beverages, but honestly, I live in a small community so coffee shops aren't a big think here anyway. We do have a Starbucks on our campus, but since I don't drink coffee, I rarely go there. Some others on this board have sworn off lunch dates because they have read or think that it promotes "friend zone". I personally like lunch dates because it gives you an easy out if it is not going well, but also gives you enough time to get to know the person and if it does go well, you can always step it up to drinks or dinner or whatever.

While I do think that tall girl seems to be moving very quickly, I can say that, at least from my point of view, the viable men on some of these OLD sites are few and far between so maybe she's just excited that she's met a seemingly normal one who is a good catch. You should still, obviously, have a talk with her, but my point is that maybe she isn't usually this all in so fast and maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it.

Just relax and enjoy.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/08/19 03:43 PM

Dawn...yeah that's the other part about coffee dates, you have to live in a place that has them to actually go to them! ;-)

I've been really overwhelmed and humbled by the responses I've gotten. In talking with some ladies at work they say very much what you've said. I've always believed myself a good catch, but I've also believed that there were many other men who were equally the same. The longer I do the OLD, the more I hear from ladies how bad the experience has been for them. When we went on our first date and even after our 2nd, tall girl has said she has no expectations. That may still be true, but I want to make sure we are on the same page. She turned her profile off and told me that on our first date whereas I was approaching it as one of many first dates I'd like to have. That disconnect I have to address. If she's not comfortable with me dating multiple ladies as I fully expect her to be dating multiple men, then it might be for the best that we stop asap instead of carrying on when deeper feelings and more possible hurt could set in. The absolute one thing I pray that I can do is respect all of these ladies and not hurt any of them if I can possibly avoid it.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/13/19 11:54 AM

So quick update...after my great date with sunshine girl mid part of last week, I told tall girl I did not wish to date her any longer. In my heart, my feelings and interest in sunshine girl are just much stronger and I didn't want to lead on tall girl any longer given that fact. In my past only once have I ever been the one to stop seeing someone. It made me feel guilty to tell tall girl as I did, I could see the disappoint, but I am trying to do what I know I need to and that is be true to my feelings and not settle for what I want in life. Given how I felt, I thought it was the best thing to let tall girl know so she could move on to someone who will make her their priority.

Having talked to tall girl and broken things off with her, I met sunshine girl for a date this past Sunday and we had a great time together. There is definitely a mutual attraction and connection between us and we are very happy to be dating each other. I don't plan to date any other ladies at this time and she feels the same away about dating only me. I imagine we will see each other again later this week/weekend and I'm looking forward to that. Not a single word from me about status or love or anything. Just have fun, make her laugh and enjoy my time with her. In a very good place right now.

-B
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/13/19 12:34 PM

Happy for you B. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/13/19 01:01 PM

Good for you! xoxo
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/14/19 01:19 PM

a quick off of my current thread topic question for you all with kids and ex's...

after you divorced did you quickly get feelings that you and your ex had some fundamental disagreements on the raising of your children? And as I'm sure most of you did even if only on the margins, did you actively seek to discuss those with your ex to reach concensus or did you accept that it was ok that you two may have differences of opinions on the particulars, but that was ok so long as on the main points of upbringing you were in agreement?

finding my ex pinging me about (no lie) hey what soap are you using to bath D4? what time do you put D4 down for sleep? stuf that I don't believe we have to be in lock step in on, but not things I feel like discussing with her so as to prevent us from having to talk about things I don't believe as super important.

-B
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/14/19 02:04 PM

We talk about school stuff, coordinating their activities and when they get sick but no conversation over bedtime or shampoo
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/14/19 02:46 PM

Appreciate the comments TB. Yeah see as long as the macro type things are in agreement, I'm loathe to even bother replying on the micro items. I feel like saying sometimes "you know we are divorced now and while I always hope to work with you for the best of our D4, it's not essential, required or even realistic to expect that our opinions, feelings and ways of doing things will always be the same." And then I think the H with that, as in my case it would likely do more harm than good. So I just agree on what I feel she says makes sense and then deflect, defuse or reply ambiguously on the rest. I guess that's mostly because as we have joint custody I'm free to do as I see fit in raising D4 just as she is able to do.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/14/19 02:55 PM

Maybe it is her way of trying to strike up conversation with you. My XW has become very friendly with me over the course of the last several weeks.

Personally I would just take the high road and consider it better than what some of these XW's do and how they behave.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/14/19 03:35 PM

She has definitely been more conversational with me via email regarding details of my D4's life. Down right friendly recently in regards to our being flexible to accomodate each other's vacation plans.

But then...she still can't look at me face to face after 18 months apart. When we exchanged D4 she simply could not look at me. Still amazes me she's still like that, but it just is what it is.

Yeah, definitely take the high road with her. Agree on the things she says I agree with and then just move on.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/14/19 04:43 PM

They all know what they did and how they went about handling it. I think they get more friendly once they see you moving on, happy, etc. It relieves them of the guilt.
Posted By: Twofeet

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/14/19 04:57 PM

My XW gets really friendly when (1) she wants something or (2) OM is out of town. Outside of that she is usually pretty dark unless it is kids schedules. Be cordial, but don't go out of your way and bend over backwards.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/14/19 05:25 PM

Those could both be legitimate questions : what soap? (D4 is having a rash or allergic reaction to something and I'm trying to figure out what, or D4 said she really likes your soap and I'd like to buy it too). What bedtime? (D4 is coming home really tired after visitation with you and I wondered if she's staying up too late. Or I'm trying to enforce an 8:00 bedtime but your 10:00 bedtime is messing it up.)

If she didn't give you more information, I;d just reply "Why do you ask?" and see what her response is. If it's legitimate, reply. If it's not then you can give her the lecture on separate parenting.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/14/19 08:08 PM

I was wondering something along the lines of what kml said. Your daughter is 4 and as you well know, little kids do best when they have a set routine. My thought was maybe XW was asking in an effort to see if y'all were somewhere on the same page with the particulars so as to keep your D4's routine consistent across 2 households.
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/27/19 02:10 PM

So just a quick journal style update...

I continue to see Sunshine Girl and she and I have been having fun dating and getting to know each other. I'm very happy with her. I just continue to keep my head down so to speak, take it slowly, not let my emotions rush us along at lightning speed and just have fun.

Well I guess post-D there's additional markers in life and yesterday with the ex I just crossed one. She let me know that she plans to introduce our D4 to her new BF. She had never previously said a word about him, but for better than a year I suspected that she and he were involved. Anyway I have no negative feelings, pains/jealousy, whatever. To say that he is FAR different from myself is an understatement. Perhaps that's why the fact of doesn't bother me, there's just almost nothing valid to compare between us. He sounds a good man, the ex is happy and D4 has already spoken to him on the phone in the past so... What more can you say, beyond another checkpoint crossed on the post-D life, wish them well and keep on moving yourself forward.

Best to all...

-B
Posted By: SoTorn

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/27/19 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by ballast
I ended up with a tie for my top between physical touch and words of affirmation. For me acts of service was ZERO. Just looking back for the girl I was just dating, she scored a highest score possible 12 on acts of service so we were complete polar opposites on that love language.

First date tonight with one of the ladies I've met online. We've texted and talked on the phone last night. I think for sure we'll have a great time. Reminding myself to just have fun, get to know her, GO SLOW, NO RUSH. I'm tall at 6'3 and she's 5'11, I've never dated a tall lady before always have dated petite ladies. Will be cool to have a lady who can look me right in the eye...AND never having to bend over to dance with her


Thats funny. My exww is 5ft 11in. Im 6ft. My new gf is a petite woman, 5ft and 90lbs soaking wet lol. I consider her fun sized.
Posted By: neffer

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/27/19 06:30 PM

Be proud of your journey dear brother. No kick a$$ emojis needed.

Shine bright there B!
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/27/19 06:31 PM

Sounds like things are going well B! I don't know about you but I do a LOT of validating with my GF, frankly it gets old because I am the one always doing the nurturing and supporting and get little back but that seems to go with the territory of being more alpha in an R.

Originally Posted by ballast
Well I guess post-D there's additional markers in life and yesterday with the ex I just crossed one. She let me know that she plans to introduce our D4 to her new BF.


At least she asked, that was very polite of her. Good that it didn't affect you negatively, you've grown a lot!
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 08/27/19 06:52 PM

Thank you as always Neffer!

Through all that I've gone through it seems like the D was needed to make a better life possible for myself, my ex and D4. It's very hard to accept that as a possible necessity, but it does appear to be the case and equally as contradictory is that the D may very well have made all of us happier than we were before. Just planning to keep my focus on D4, my life and happiness and keep heading on down the road.

AS...for me with my new lady friend I am for sure the more alpha and I do more of the validating as you say. That said though, she has been fantastic to date in her support of me and showing me her love for me through actions. She has a very loving heart which is such an enjoyable trait to me after all that I have gone through. And yes it was very polite of her. I doubt very much that she could have met me face to face to let me know what she did, but we do have a very mature and respectful ability to communicate via email. I told her I appreciated her doing so, but didn't feel it necessary as I had long ago suspected there was another in the mix. From making many steps in my own life to include dating a new wonderful lady to just have had ample time to accept that the ex was long gone, I honestly didn't even care to know about the guy. I do trust my ex and as long as the new guy is always a good man to my D4 I've got nothing to say. It really is something though how completely different he and I are. I wonder if he's viable long term with her, but beyond wonder that's the extent of my interest. Another great thing to come out of my exchange with her is that she has already given her consent if/when I meet someone special and wish to introduce them to D4. That I don't think will be for some time, but I very much appreciated her stating as much. That we went basically silent with each other since she left, BUT we still completely trust the other in regards to D4. Again it's weird how life goes some times, but thankfully the silver lining is that we each are doing our best for D4 while at the same time blessing each other to go and find our own new happiness.

-B
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 10/21/19 11:04 AM

Dropping my D4 off at exW's parents house I got to thinking how I hadn't updated in a while. In my sitch as a father I feel like I "won" the best custody I could have expected in 50/50...yet not seeing D4 for a week at a time, that free week is like my sentence for whatever my part was in the failure of the marriage. Just depressing to have D4 for a great week and then not for another. I have friends with older kids who just kind of chuckle at me and say "when they are 13 they won't even want to be seen with you" and I know there's some truth in that. Figure it will get better like everything else, but I just get bummed for a period of time when I give her up.

Beyond the acceptance of the 50/50 I'm in a happy place in my life. The new lady who I first started dating back in late July, she and I are exclusive and have been having wonderful times together. She lives in the country, I in the city but we alternate visiting at each other's place and it's been going very well for us. She has met D4 and I have met her adult daughter and everyone is very comfortable with one another. Looking forward to the upcoming holidays and lots of fun which will be a MUCH welcomed feeling compared to how last year felt when I was separated.

My ex this past week took her new man on a vacation to the exact same places she and I used to go to. Is what it is really and doesn't bother me. I would have thought perhaps she would want to go someplace new and make new memories, but perhaps she just wants to overwrite old ones with new. Ex's new guy...well strangely I've had no feelings of anything about him really. He's older, grayer, less in shape, and from what I'm aware I believe she may be supporting him. To feel like comparing myself to him...we're just not in any way the same. It's funny how at first when I went to my IC she would kind of dispel the whole professional opinion of MLC, but now that she has seen what my ex is with, she says to me "yep, she's living out an MLC". Who knows...it's water long since under the bridge and my life has moved on from her. If I ever do think about my ex it's more in a quizical "she/that is strange" way than anything else. Who knows maybe they'll get married and live happily ever after. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that my life is much the better for not being married to her anymore. The benefits of time and hindsight are quite something on a person's perception of reality and truth.

My best wishes and prayers to all of you struggling...

-B
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: My Future Awaits - 10/21/19 01:46 PM

Hi B - so just want to jump in quickly about the "off" week - it was hell for me, until I decided to do something I'd wanted to do for a long time, but couldn't because of scheduling son's activities, and exh's work travel schedule. I started volunteering at a local endangered wildlife education center on the day son would go with his dad. That first day was always so brutal and set the tone for a very long and lonely week, despite having GAL stuff scheduled for myself.

By starting that week being of service, I gained great peace. My beloved furry friends have given me far more than I've given in return, and I'm deeply grateful. This worked for me. It may not work for you, but I offer the suggestion.

Have a great day!!!
xoxoxo
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 10/21/19 02:21 PM

bttrfly...Thank you for your suggestion! Luckily for some time now I've been doing great during the week I don't have her keeping myself busy with things that I enjoy. The sticking point is just that forced physical parting every other week and then the reflection on the fun times just had and the upcoming week of time which could have had more of the same, lost. I admire and respect you for your volunteerism with furry friends. It is something that I have told myself I would like to do, but as yet in life have not done so.

Hope you have a great day as well!

-B
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: My Future Awaits - 10/21/19 03:18 PM

Iím glad things are going well with your new lady.

My ex is an every other weekend and one night a week dad and never went for 50/50 custody.

I am curious though, did you have to ďfightĒ for the 50/50? Or Iíd you ask and the court granted it to you?
Posted By: ballast

Re: My Future Awaits - 10/21/19 03:46 PM

Thank you Ginger!

I always wanted 50/50 and took the action necessary soon after BD at my atty's recommendation to friendly ask for it from my ex. Thankfully she agreed and it was verbally in place for almost a year before she filed. The only thing that mattered to me was equal time with my D4 and the smartest thing I ever did post-BD was immediately get legal advice on how to make that happen right away. If exW had not agreed I would have immediately taken exW to court to get it as an arrangement . I found out that legally...waiting is the absolute worst thing for a parent to do custody wise.
Posted By: kml

Re: My Future Awaits - 10/21/19 03:54 PM

Quote
The new lady who I first started dating back in late July,

Quote
She has met D4 and I have met her adult daughter and everyone is very comfortable with one another.


NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
You've been dating her for less than three months and you're already introducing her to your daughter? STOP!

Look - it's great that you and new lady are getting along well so far. BUT - the reality is, you still barely know her. It takes TIME to learn if a relationship is going to work long-term or not. The first year or two are just about learning to distinguish between your fantasy of who this person is and the reality of who they are. And you should NOT be involving your daughter in your dating until you are MUCH further along in the relationship.

Kids suffer - a lot - from loss when your dating relationships break up. It's really best not to involve your kids until AT LEAST (this is a MINIMUM) SIX MONTHS into dating. And even then - only if you're pretty sure this relationship is going to go the distance. (Which, frankly, you can't even know in six months, but whatever).

Read over Ginger's threads and how much her daughter has suffered during some of her breakups - even the last one where she did wait 6 months but a year in the guy bailed. And her daughter is much older than yours and better able to understand.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: My Future Awaits - 10/21/19 04:16 PM

I have to confess, I waited 6 months. And in those 6 months I thought he was the greatest guy ever. Then his true colors began to show. And I stick through because our kids were involved and he lead me to believe he was 100% committed . It really does take a long time to get to truly know someone.

My daughter hasnít ďsufferedĒ but the 3 guys she has met left a mark on her. She handled my last very well, probably because she is older now. She was very sad with the one before that, but that wasnít her favorite guy. We lasted only 3 months. The guy before that, the first she has ever met, well, she will tell me to this day he was ďamazingĒ

My daughter is much better now that she is older. But they get clingy at a young age and feel the heartbreak.

The daughter of the first guy was 6 at the time and did not take our break up well at all. We were very close. She cried often and told her mom she wanted to NJ was so she could walk there to come see me. It was utterly heartbreaking .

Me and the last guyís 5 year old son became super close and he would always say he wanted me to be his bonus mom. He told his dad he loved me. And I didnít get to say goodbye and I have no idea what he said or how he took it and itís still fresh and I am tearing up as I write this. Itís awful for the kids. And quite honestly, it was and is awful for me.

Now my daughter is older Iím not such a stickler. She can meet a guy, sheís more into her friends and stuff and sheís very whatever I would hold off on the family time though.

Because you get a whole week off you can spend a good amount of time alone with your woman without involving your daughter. I really really encourage you to hold off on the kid thing. Itís very difficult for a 4 year old girl when it ends. And Iím not saying it is ending, but as KML pointed out, you are still in the early phases and getting to know each other. No rush !! Enjoy your selves as a couple. The family time comes after a while when you know you each other and for sure are for a long term commitment
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: My Future Awaits - 10/21/19 04:41 PM

I met my ex-gf's grandkids - 3 and 4 years old relatively early on as she / we would babysit them. They'd gone through a lot of family upheaval prior to that and there were some behavioral problems.

They were really confused as to who I was and what my status was. "Nona's friend" wasn't "grandpa". I do know that they got rather attached and I felt bad when we broke up that they would be confused and feel abandoned yet again.

On the other hand ballast, everything could be fine with your D4. With the adult kids it's certainly very different but as others point out, small kids can get attached and confused.

But as others suggest - tread with care please.
Posted By: DonH

Re: My Future Awaits - 10/21/19 04:41 PM

So looking back in your posts ballast, the girl you started dating in late July, you called her tall girl, you appeared to stop dating after meeting another who became sunshine #2 or #3 or #4? But that was August. So is this who you are still dating? If so itís been about 10 or 11 weeks. If it is tall girl from ďlate JulyĒ it just got in under the wire on the 29th or 30th for the first date. You said you were taking it ďslowĒ, a phrase I hear so many people say as they speed along very fast. Anyhow, itís good youíve been dating for coming up on three months but as KML said that is far too soon to involve such a young child. You were surprised and concerned, rightfully so, when your ex W wanted to introduce D4 to a new guy. The very last thing this child who is still adjusting to a new life without mom and dad needs is other adult/patent type figures coming in and out of her life. Please donít do that. Youíre an adult and can rush into things if youíd like but itís really unfair to do that to a child. It really does effect them. Six months should be an absolute bare minimum time while 6 to 12 months really is the guideline. And this guideline really does make sense as we see how many post D Rs donít make it to one year. Glad youíre back and posting though. Hopefully youíll continue and weigh the various input here.
Posted By: job

Re: My Future Awaits - 10/21/19 05:27 PM

New Thread:

My Future Awaits #2
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