Previous thread:
Figuiring it all outI’m back to more normal now. Hormones don’t help a situation.
D11 and I went on a shopping spree Tuesday night. We got ice cream after and had quite a convo. Questions on whether or not my ex was dating his wife when we were married. She said “ he can’t be my dad if he did something so horrible” I told her what happened between adults doesn’t affect him being your dad. She thought about it and said “you’re very happy now, mom” I told her I was so there was nothing to worry about. She told me she really likes M and his son is just so cute. I’m glad everyone likes each other.
She almost got high honor roll! Well, I’m my book she did. And 89.2 and the teacher couldn’t give her an A. Grrrr. But I told her in my book, she got straight a’s and she can have the rewards I promised her. I’m really proud of her, she rocked it. She was at her grandmas last night and I asked if she told her dad and all he sai was “ nice” she was like “that’s it mom, that’s all he said” so she called me a few times for praise last night. I have it to her
He accepted my dinner invitation last night. We had a really really nice night. Very loving. He slept over. Tomorrow night is movie and Sunday is the party. A friend made a very good point. He’s probably giving all he can give right now. I do think he wants to give a lot. And in ways he is. I’ve got to kind of just let things be for now.
This stuff is hard but it’s worth it
I was going to post yesterday but your thread was closed.
Now, I see I don´t need to post...
I’m back to more normal now.
Congrats to D11!!! Yes, be proud of her. Sure she´s proud of you.
Sometimes is one day at a time, sometimes not. Time and patient are useful tools. Use them!
(((G)))
Hey G...
Yay for little G..good for her. About her dad...she knows who he is and she struggles with it. She loves him because he's daddy, but, she sees what she sees and being so intuitive, it is hard for her.
She will get what she does from that relationship and thrive because of you.
About M...your reactions to his actions come from a place of fear instead of a place of strength.
Until you know deep in your soul that you are worthy, you will continue to feel as you do. That's the bottom line. While I would be devastated if something were to happen between me and R, I would be ok. I have walked through the toughest of storms and made it. So, I would make it through again. The reason I feel that way is because I know who I am and that I am enough.
That is not to say that your feelings about this relationship arent valid. They are. Wanting to spend more time with him and feeling that he is vested...nothing at all wrong with that.
But...you cant change him. Nor can you make him want to give more. That has to come from inside him.
So, your choices are to either allow this to unfold in his timeframe and accept that and be good with it or decide if that is what YOU want.
The thing is that until you are ok with you, you will continue to feel as you do. His actions have to do with him. Your reactions are on you.
He is showing you what he wants and what he is capable of. You are either ok with it or you're not. But you need to stop making excuses as to why he is who he is.
You have the right to feel as if you want more...without a doubt. If he isnt giving you what you need, then you have a decision to make. But the most important thing to know is that you matter. Your feelings matter. You deserve to have what you want because you are worthy of it and anyone is lucky to have you.
M just dropped us off from my cousins house for the party. I have got to hand it to him. He showed up in front of a lot of new people and was just awesome. We all had lots of fun. It’s kind of funny, because for many years I have been showing up as solo mom. I’ve never shown up with a guy EVER. You can tell everyone was pretty thrilled for me.
Let’s rewind to Friday which was movie night . It went very nice. He’s getting closer and closer to not hiding us. We pulled up and his son saw us and he lit up and came running . D11 says, “mom, he really love you” D11 plays with him so good and he loves D11. Then it was interesting. M forgot something at home when we were at the lake. His house is literally 2 minutes away. His son was playing in the sand with D11. I said “go, I got em” and he kind of froze and asked if I was sure . I said. I’m pretty good with kids, go!” So he asks his son if he wants to take a ride or stay with us. He stayed with me of course. I think he got nervous because ifngod forbid something happened on his watch, under my eye, his ex would go bezerk. All was well. He also knows I’m pretty great with kids. He laughs because every where I go strange kids flock to me. I took a woman’s son into a funhouse at the carnival because she asked me. She was pregnant. We went to the community pool and these two little girls were all about me watching all their tricks and then decided to hold onto me in the pool . And today, a friend of my cousin has 3 young kids which are hard to keep up with. They attached to me and I kept them busy so she could relax a little. She said “ my kids love you, you are so good and patient with them!” I am actually pretty good with children
Saturday morning D11 says to me “ Son is going to have so much at the party with so and so” then she gets this scared look on her face. “ mom! What if they don’t play nice with him?!? Well, I’m going to make sure they do!” Then in the pool today she is helping him on and off the rafts and M saw it and he thought it was so cute. They completely act like brother and sister. I imagine this is a lot of what it would have looked like. And we are pretty good with the both of them even if we parent a little differently. It’s definitely surreal, but it’s becoming a natural comfortable dynamic.
That brings me to the issue at hand and what you said UR. Intellectually I know I am worthy. I have grown so much as an adult. I’ve Survived some unbelievable stuff. I also managed to make something of myself through that survival . I’m an extremely dedicated mother. Flawed but wholly dedicated to my child. I am loving and forgiving, smart and funny. I’m good with kids, I am extremely loyal and I would do anything for the ones I love. And a guy who doesn’t nurture that would be a fool. I know this. But my self doubt according to my track record with men goes into a tailspin. Because of logistics, really. How can I not be “worth it” to so many men, if I’m so worthy? But......
After a lot of thinking and looking at the big picture. I know M thinks I am worth it. And I truly think he is worth it. And I don’t think my patience will be for nothing. I think we will meet at the same place in the road one day. And I am in no rush to get there. He is making a true effort for all of us to spend time together. We see each other often with our kids. And how great is it that they get along so well? We will have a great weekend this upcoming weekend just the two of us.
And what scares me. The family bonding is going so well. I seriously just love his little boy. We all have a love for each other. And having that end scares me.
And I also have to remember, not every relationship comes to an end. It’s another thing I need to get myself in used to. I’m sitting here wondering when he end date is. Then I realize, maybe there isn’t one?
I would survive too if it did, but I would be devastated. This is the most serious R in my life ever. Sometimes it seems more serious than my M was. Because it’s more adult and more real.
Now, here, I’ve babbled. If you made it this far, I praise you. But I’m beginning to really put things into perspective and not in panic mode.
G, why don't you, for the first time, just enjoy what is at this moment? What if you just decide that you are going to enjoy your time together with M, without fear of what will happen?
Because I am thinking that having the mindset that this is going to end, without any sign that it is, is not allowing you to enjoy it.
Sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith and see where we land.
Get out of your head some.
Allow it to unfold. You can, at any time, assess whether it is serving you or not and then make decisions accordingly.
You seem to have this whole layout in your head of where you think this should be and how it should look. All relationships are different.
My only concern is how you feel about you. You have to really wrap your head around the fact that you are a wonderful person who he is lucky to have found. And that if something were to happen, it would not be because you are lacking.
Just enjoy it, sweetie. Continue to express what you need to express in regards to your feelings, but, make sure they come from a place of strength. <3
You know G in some ways I can relate to what M is going through. You have to remember that everyone leaves their marriage, has different views of what happened, and has been single for different periods of time. I agree with the above and it is so much more about him than you.
I have struggled on many different levels with the Dr. Even though our timelines are the same she wanted out of her marriage and was miserable while I was blind sided, still loved my XW and would have done anything to make it work. I also knew she wanted a LTR from the start and I wasn't messing with someone that was just going to be a 3 or 4 date fling.
I know the Dr. is a catch which is why I have not pulled back and have continued to stay the course getting more comfortable. It has nothing to do with her. She is an amazing woman, a giver, sweet and kind.
From what you have written on this board it doesn't sound like M has ever once mentioned or brought up ending things with you. Freaked out?? Maybe at times but that is much different than ending things.
I as well have been freaked out, scared, afraid to be vulnerable and commit but I have never been close to pulling the plug. I do think about my struggles from time to time but ultimately the Dr has a say in things as well. If she doesn't feel that I am giving to her and/or reciprocating based on her needs then she can easily end it as well.
And to the above it has to be from a place of strength. You are a catch, believe you are a catch, and realize that any man would be lucky to have you. It's not about if M thinks you are worth it......it's about if G thinks M is worth it.
If you do then give, love, receive, stay true to your boundaries and enjoy the R as it unfolds. Be patient, stay in the present and try not to read into anything.
TBH I have found the less I talk about the DR. on the board the less I analyze about the situation
I agree with what J9 said...believe you are a catch and realize that any man would be lucky to have you. I know that is difficult, especially for women sometimes, but you have to change your mindset to prevent you from driving yourself crazy. You can think about those other times it didn't work out and all of that, but the fact of the matter is, at this current time, you have a guy who you say yourself you believe loves you, so just relax and enjoy it. Yes, it could end. But, it could also last forever. I'm the queen of negativity sometimes, so I get it. I tend to worse case scenario things ALL the time. In fact, I did it just this morning in a conversation with Sparky (not about our relationship, but something else) and I am sure it is exhausting for him when I do that sometimes. But, G, M is on board right now, giving you what he can give you. I said before and I stand by it, that you need to decide if what he can give you is enough and if it is, then by all means, give yourself permission to just relax and enjoy it and not worry so much about if/when it will end. I mean, I could win the lottery tomorrow or I could get run over by a chicken truck when I walk out my front door...honestly, the odds are about the same because I didn't buy a lottery ticket today and chicken trucks don't usually come by my house, but the point is, we just do NOT know what the future holds and it may be fleeting, but it may be that M is the one and he is just working through his own stuff while giving you what he can.
You are definitely worthy, G. Start convincing yourself of that!
I can't agree more with everyone. It's very hard when you are the left behind spouse to be able to trust again. Finding relationships are fairly easy, if you want to settle. But to find someone that you can trust takes time.
I could win the lottery tomorrow or I could get run over by a chicken truck when I walk out my front door...honestly, the odds are about the same because I didn't buy a lottery ticket today and chicken trucks don't usually come by my house,
Hahahahaha Dawn
I tell people all the time - CMM could live five more years and I could get hit by a truck tomorrow, none of us are guaranteed the future so we might as well enjoy today.
I’ve been taking a break, but I definitely have been letting it all sink in.
I’m just going with flow and enjoying the moments. I haven’t had anxiety over this, I’ve been calm and not overthinking .
I am a touch nervous about tonight and the graduation . I don’t know if she’ll just not say a word because they don’t interact. Or she will try to talk to me. I don’t know. His ex does know about me from son. I’m hoping everything just goes smoothly for that little boy. I believe it will.
Well, you know if it was me I wouldn't be going. But since you are, remember:
You're not the other woman
Don't compare yourself to her - he's with you for a reason
Don't get jealous
Don't get competitive
Don't make assumptions there are two sides to every story.
He told his son about us. He said he was thrilled and that his son loves me. My heart is exploding .
When are you getting married G?
When are you getting married G?
Haha! He then said he laid down the groundwork for a surprise for the 3 of us. I was like “omg, is he proposing?!”
Most likely not.
Rhut rho......G is starting to do some nesting!
Last night went really well. It was freakin adorable. It was the moms night so she brought him. That woman is a miserable looking woman. She sat with her parents behind us. His son ran over to him as soon as he saw him and they got some pictures in. His son just looked at dad the whole time. It was sad, when they were done, they said “go find your families” and you could tell he couldn’t decide which one. His mom got to him fast, but M got him took some more pics and we got to congratulate him. Everyone was hanging out, but the mom just whisked him off. M walked around the truck and could see his mom carrying him while he was crying. She’s a horrible woman. M shed tears during the graduation, it was so cute. He put his arm around me, held my hand. We went out to dinner and had a drink when we dropped his mom off, went back to his place, but I had to sneak out and go home and tend to my dog. We were laying in bed and he thanked me for my patience with everything . I apologized for my impatience. He thanked me a whole bunch of times for going last night. It must have meant a lot to him.
Tonight we are taking the kiddos to the state fair. Tomorrow night we have our concert, Saturday night we have our concert , Saturday we have our other concert and our overnight down the shore. I’m super excited.
Off to take my dog to an evaluation day at the dog resort. He better be a good pup
Good for you G.....sounds like things went well and he was comfortable around his XW, X-in laws, etc. Have a fun weekend! Remember to just enjoy!
I am glad everything went well. Sounds like you had a good time and are comfortable around all of his family, including the xw.
Enjoy your weekend!
IS she a horrible woman? Or is she just a woman who is not over her ex and extremely uncomfortable at you being there?
Thank you. It was a very nice night. Looking forward to the weekend!
She is indeed a horrible woman. Not an exaggeration. She does some very very messed up things. It’s actually heartbreaking
Well she may indeed be someone with a personality disorder. But just saying, their history was seriously challenged by medical problems, correct? So it might be a good idea to work on a somewhat more compassionate view of her - even if she's awful - for your own sake. You of all people have it in you to do that, as you've proven in your relationship with OW and exH. It's never a good thing when the new partner gets all into defending their partner against the "horrible ex" - he married her and had a child with her, and it won't help him for you to get involved with being mad at her. Of course she's going to be jealous of you step-parenting her son, and likely jealous of her ex for having a happy relationship with you.
Also - if she IS someone with a personality disorder - you need to be strategic. Hold your friends close and your enemies closer kind of stuff.
^^ What Ellie said - her last line, especially.
Long range this, doll. You don't have to be her friend, but if you and M go the distance, then she will always be in the equation somewhere.
Start the way you mean to go on.
much love
xoxoxo
Totally agree KML. I learned that with my STBXH's daughter's mom. My STBXH made her out to be a crazy person. She definitely has that side to her but she is not nearly as evil as he made her out to be. Certainly, he strung her along for as long as he could before she found out about the double life he was leading back then. It is a pattern of his and she was angry about it for a long time. I totally understand why. Anyway...in the beginning, I was too involved with the drama and it didn't help things. Eventually, I took a step back and treated her with compassion and empathy even though I still had some disparaging thoughts about her. I did it for my stepdaughter who didn't need that much animosity between the parental figures in her life. SD's mom now wants to be my friend but I'm lukewarm on that idea. Luckily we don't live in the same community.
Re: M's ex... all I can say, as the mother of two children who are spending 50% of their time with my STBXH and his affair, it takes a really strong person to go to an event like that and not be affected emotionally by it. I have not yet had to go to anything with the two of them playing happy family but I'd like to think that I could manage it even though I'm sure it would anger me on some level. But I'm a strong person and I am well aware that there are many people out there who are not and would act the same way his ex did.
Also...again, a word of caution... there are ALWAYS two sides to every story and you have to take into consideration who is telling it. I'm sure my STBXH has told his affair all kinds of half-truths and untruths about me. Why would he tell her anything that paints him in a bad light?? So...I'm sure if you talked to M's ex, she would have a very different account of their history. Where does the truth lie? In my experience...usually somewhere in between. My advice to you, as someone who is just entering the picture and is not the kids' mother...be supportive and kind and all of those good things that you are but steer clear of getting involved with the drama. That's M's drama to deal with - he had a hand in making it so he needs to manage it.
BTW...if she truly is evil and a horrible mother, perhaps you should be making a report to child protective services.
In a rush, but I will tell you this. I stay out of it. I give support and some advice. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I know there are two sides to every story. But I have seen the hard copy proof of the nuttiness. And she is a parental alienation and I don’t have much respect for anyone who uses a child as a pawn . Whatever their beef, the child shouldn’t be used. Period. But again, I am just a bystander, but it is hard to see both of them which I have love for, hurt. In any case, she didn’t act any different last night than she does when they are in the same area without me there. It was her norm, she’s done this before.
I definitely don’t try to Mother the kid. I’m just a source of fun and support, and comfort . We got a good little bond going on, but I won’t try to be his mother
His surprise was so sweet. He came to pick me and D11 up to go to the fair. He came in my house with flowers and a Gave me a kiss on the cheek and “officially” asked me to be his girlfriend. He showed his son how to treat a lady and showed my daughter how a lady should be treated. She thought it was the sweetest thing. We held hands tonight and I got a kiss or two. He went on some rides with D and I took his S on some rides. It was really pretty awesome. I’m so glad his son is totally cool with us being boyfriend and girlfriend.
My heart feels so full.
Nice to see a guy getting it right !
We had our fun filled concert weekend. Only the second concert didn’t go as planned. It was outdoors at an iconic venue down the shore. We waited on line for an hour and just as we got in, a hurricane like storm ripped through. We had just gotten a beer and they told us all to get inside. First we were at the covered outdoor bar area, but the rain was sideways, and a trellis went flying and some speakers and lights. It was scary AF. We went all the way in then they announced the concert was canceled. We decided to walk to this pretty cool beach front rooftop (covered ) bar and on the way there another storm blew through and we got soaked, so what did we do? We got beers and hung out! Got a bite to eat there, then took a walk on the beach when it cleared up, then went back for one more drink. The venue made the news because it was so crazy. When things go unexpected like that it’s nice to know how the other person reacts. We are two go with the flow people, so we are good at making the best of whatever. Today we went to the beach for a bit, had a really nice lunch and went home. We actually spent time every day since Wednesday. It was nice. His actions have definitely shown me he has heard me and he is committed . There are stupid little things that annoy me about him, as I am sure I have some of the same that annoy him. I’ve never been in an R thins long since my M, but we are still learning and adapting.
I realize I can be petty in my head and dumb sometimes with little stuff. We both had IG stories going and if you saw mine, you knew we were together. If you saw his, you would have thought he was solo. It bothered me for a sec. but then I realized that this man asked me to be his girlfriend in front of his son and that was bigger than anything you could put on social media. And he doesn’t care when I post a picture of us. We may spend some time 4th of July and then we go away together on our family vacation Sunday. I get back a few days before him, but he asked D11 and I to join him for his family birthday dinner when we get back. He includes us as family and that means a lot.
Things are good.
great update - glad things are going well, G - you deserve it!!! xoxoxo
Great to see where you are standing G!
Thanks! Things are good. I’m excited for vacation because work has been kicking my butt.
So picture this: i was supposed to pick up D11 from camp and her dad was going to pick her up at 6:30 but I got stuck at work. He was going to get her from camp and they invited me to dinner. I had no plans, M got stuck at work. So they picked her up and said they would wait for me at my house . Imagine walking into your home to see your child, ex and his wife chilling in your living room. I would have never ever imagined that for myself. And when you walk in and your ex says to you, in front of his wife, “you look nice!” ( I had a cool dress on for work and everyone complimented me today) we all went out to dinner and it’s as normal as it could be. It’s wonderful my daughter can see that. But on the way there she drove with me and began asking questions about cheating again. She said “ dad would never do that, you guys just divorced because you weren’t meant for each other “ I used to say I wouldn’t lie to her. But I considered taking the truth to my grave. M had suggested I tell my ex she’s been asking and discuss how we should handle it. But I don’t know about that. Would it be awful of me if I never told her the truth? Is this a “good” lie? My only fear is if she found out the truth, she would resent me.
This is a really tough one. She’s happy that her parents and her stepmother get along. She’s incredibly well adjusted given the circumstances. I don’t want to ruin that.
This is a tough one Ginger. I’m wondering if you could say something like “this is personal and I would like to keep the details of our divorce to myself right now. Just know that divorce was the right decision for what me and your dad were going through at the time”. This way your not lying to her but not telling her something that is really hard to process?
I think that's an excellent response.
And yes, I'd consider letting him know she's asking. It may be that she already knows something or overheard something.
It really is tough. I have said that. And it’s tough because she’s like a 40 year old in a 12 year old body. Seriously. The answer is never good enough then she talks it out loud to herself and comes to the conclusion her father wouldn’t do that. Which is hard for me. For what has really happened the kid is so well adjusted. She’s got a dad who does love her, a stepmother who loves her, and a mom who loves her and she knows M does too. And her parents still get along and are kind to each other . It’s what you hope for in divorce. I don’t want all I strived for to be spoiled for her.
On a different note..... I am pleasantly surprised by M’s actions lately. He invited me everywhere and wants to spend lots of time with me and us. He invited me to his house do a BBQ today and a friends party saturday. I’ll have D11 tomorrow and he has his son both days. Then we go away together. He has been bulges inclusive of us and will spend most of his kid-time with us/me. Friday night D11 is having a friend sleep over my house. He will have Friday together with his son. I of course work. It’s been really nice. In 2 weeks, he will be going away and kind of off the grid. I’ll be in the Nash for a few of those days at a bachelorette party! D11 will be away. And as excited as he is to have this solo vacay he does say legit he wished I could have made it. I guess we are settling in nicely.
I still have insecurities about how I am in a relationship. I am really trying to keep them in check. I need to dig deep for that self confidence and know I am a catch. I am imperfect, but I’ve got a lot to offer. And I need to carry that with confidence.
I agree that it is a difficult situation to navigate with D11 and I wish I had some sage advice to offer you. Unfortunately, I just don’t. I definitely don’t think you should lie to her because that could blow up in your face later but at the same time, I’m not sure telling her the whole story now is good either. I keep hearing that advice about not involving kids in adult matters ringing in my ears and despite her maturity far beyond her years, she IS still a kid. So I don’t know...I don’t envy you but you are a great mom so I know you’ll figure out how to navigate it.
Sounds like things are great with M and I absolutely couldn’t be happier for you. You totally deserve it. I hate to be a buzz kill but something you said (and have said more than once in recent posts) sticks out to me like a sore thumb. You said “I am imperfect, but I’ve got a lot to offer.” Girl, drop the first part of that sentence! I’ve read in more than one post of yours recently where you have said you aren’t perfect. Honey, NOBODY is perfect, so quit trying to convince yourself that you aren’t living up to some impossible standard. You’re smart, beautiful, hard-working, fun, a great mom. You DO have a lot to offer so just get that phrase about being imperfect out of your head and out of your vocabulary or you’ll never really see yourself for the amazing perfect you are.
That last part should have been amazing PERSON. Lol Typing fast on my phone doesn’t always work out the way I hope it will.
Thank you dawn. I know I should drop the imperfect part. No one is perfect. But I’m pretty awesome!
We spent some time together on the 4th. It was his mom, brother, brothers wife, me and his son. I even went with them to drop off his son to mom. ( she couldn’t see me) . We went back to his place, laid in his bed and he passed out. He was out riding hard all day in the sun with his S. No sexy time. We will not have sexy time for a while. Which kind of stinks. Yesterday, he invited us to his childhood friends pool party. We had a blast. Met a lot of people he went to high school with. The friend who hosted the party asked how we met. I admit to feeling funny saying “online” we did have a really good time, even when it began to pour. D11 is super comfortable with him and likes him a lot. His son loves me and vice versa. M did p!ss me off when D11 talked back to me and very firmly was telling her it would not be tolerated. He starts whispering “stop yelling” I was by no means yelling at her, but firmly telling her to shut her mouth down and be respectful. I looked at him and said “I am not yelling and I will not stop”. My daughter needs firmness from time to time, she can be a sassy back talking pre teen. The way you deal with a back talking 11 the way you deal with a smart mouth 11 year old and a 5 year old little boy is different. He got the hint. I’ve never spoken to HIM that way. I think he sensed I was p!ssed and seemed to feel a little bad.
At one point in the night his friend was making a joke and “don’t get married” and M seemed to be on that train. Like I have said, marriage isn’t really all important to me. I would like to live like I am married one day, but I don’t need to lock it down with paperwork and a ceremony. But there is a small tiny part of me who would like to get the chance to do it again, since the first time didn’t even seem real to me. We don’t talk about the future. I mean, we talk like we are going to be together for a very long time, but it doesn’t have a shape or form yet. We might move slower than others, and that’s ok.
Our relationship is having a definite shift. It feels like all of us are a family. Like we are living the family life now. We don’t live together , but most of our time spent together is as a family and we do really work well as a family ( aside for when he stops me from disciplining my daughter as I do). I do love it and it’s what I’ve wanted. I do miss our alone time, which we get about once a week. We do not do sleepovers with kids around. Sure, he could come here and spend a night with D11 here in the week, but he wants to be home and I am usually busy with housework We have our one night a week together, and a night or two every other weekend. Like on this trip, I’ll be sharing a bed with D11 and he will be sharing with his S. But we are very family like now, which is pretty cool. And becoming like that really does mean for another level of commitment. Actually a huge level of commitment. We both know our kids are attached to each other, and is too. Neither would drop the other one, for the sake of the kids too. I think it gives you that much more to fight for when times get rough. It’s not easy to walk away now.
So I would say we are pretty committed right now. Off to vacation together today! Can’t wait!!!
Neither would drop the other one, for the sake of the kids too. I think it gives you that much more to fight for when times get rough. It’s not easy to walk away now.
Not to freak you out, but this doesn't seem to stop people from breaking up at all.
As for M's comments about marriage - I wouldn't take too seriously what a guy says in the company of guy friends about marriage. Now granted, he has good reason to be gunshy about marriage, but that doesn't mean he's not going to want to make an honest woman out of you some day. I just suspect that would be on something like a 3-5 year timeline.
Sounds to me like what's bothering you most about the relationship is the lack of sex. Do you suspect his drive isn't as high as yours?
Oh, I know, my ex dropped me like a hot potato with a newborn. But my ex also is completely selfish. I think that we might try a little harder and not walk away when things get rough. I hope anyways. I know I won’t.
Will he change his mind about marriage? Maybe. I know I did. I was really against remarriage. And it would be a longer time frame for us, you are right.
The lack of sex. Yes. My drive might be slightly higher than his. I need physical touch. We just don’t spend time enough alone to have intimacy often. And when he’s tired, he can’t stay away for the life of him. He was too tried last Wednesday to come over. Then fell asleep on Thursday . And maybe we will get one more chance to be alone before he goes away. I think we could definitely up the sex, but yes, to do that, we need to work schedules. He’s not one to go out of his way for a quickie like J. I know he’s attracted to me, but I think sex might not be a priority. He performs like a champ, though.
More stuff to work out I guess.
G....maybe you guys need to do some roll playing and spice things up! Cops and Robbers????? LOL!!
Again there is no perfect person, what are the major deal breakers for you. What can you live with and what can't you live without? Is sex and frequent sex high on your priority list? For the Dr. it is because she was in a sexless marriage for 10 years. A person that can perform and wants to perform is on her radar.
I’m checking in real quick from vacation. There a few things I have observe which is interesting. But we are having a great time.
But.....
M was in the shower and his son says to me “you can be my bonus mom, ya know? And D11could be my bonus sister ! It’s a real thing! Then he came over and hugged me. My heart just about melted all over the place. Witness by D 11 and M’s mom. M doesn’t know he said that yet. I don’t know how he would take it. I would hope positively
More to come ...
And girl, I'n NOT referring to you when I say this, because you took your time - but for all those others out there who are in a rush to introduce their kids to their dates - this is why you wait AT LEAST six months, and preferably until you are pretty sure the relationship will be long term, before you introduce your kids - because they can get attached this quick, and you don't want them to go through cycles of getting attached to your dates and then losing them.
You are absolutely right. I went through it with ex NG. His daughter was heartbroken when we broke up. She would tell her mom she wanted to walk to NJ to see me. She cried a lot. There has to be a sense of future and solidity.
This morning when we were leaving for the beach he said “we have to wait for bonus mom! “ then when we were walking, M went to take his hand, he said no. Then his grandma went to hold his hand and he said “no, ginger !”
M and I got a chance to hang out last night outside and have some beers while the kids were sleeping. We even got to fool around a bit. I told him what his son said and he thought it was really sweet. He said he explained the concept to him and used the term.
On the other side. He just really doesn’t display much affection towards me this week. I random quick kiss maybe once in the day and that’s about it. However, he hovers over his kid , constantly cuddling him, and always hyper focused on him, and it’s not even like he’s looking for that. Its overkill. But I understand why he is the way he is and all parent child relationships are different. D11 and I can bicker like sisters.
I would never give up this relationship for the slow down in sex and affection. I guess I’m wondering if I should say something. I don’t want to come across as needy, but I want to want my needs known, if that make sense .
What to do, what to do.
D11 and I are currently sitting in a gas station because th rain is so bad I can’t see. We are on our way from vacation. We were going to leave after breakfast today, but M convinced me to keep my dog boarded one more night so we could spend the day. My dog is having a blast at his doggie resort. He even made a girlfriend .
Overall this trip was wonderful. It was a huge bonding experience for all of us. All of us really bonded individually with one another .Really, it was like vacationing with my husband and our two kids and my mother in law. I never had a family vacation like that. The kids had an absolute ball. Aside from being stuck in thunderstorms, I am so glad we stayed because we had the best day at the beach. Building stuff in the sand, boogie boarding, all doing it all together.
I observed a lot about his parenting style this weekend. He gives his child 100% attention 100% of the time. He carried him still. When we decide what we are going to do or where we are going to go, he asks his kid. He gives him anything he wants and supposedly to “prevent a meltdown” in my opinion, sometimes kids need to hear no and melt down, instead of getting whatever they want when they want it. But it’s not how he rolls. He lets his kid pretty much eat what he wants when he wants too. Even D11 said today at breakfast when he carried his son over to the counter to chose something “M totally s@cks up to son!” It’s true . Her observation is correct.
I mean, I get why he does it. He doesn’t want any negative time with his son. And I think he avoids any sort of arguing. Like when I go to discipline my daughter when her mouth gets sassy he tells me “ shhhh, don’t aggravate her” and I’m all like “aggregate her?!!?!?, she’s aggravating me” I have no problem putting her in her place when her mouth gets disrespectful. But I guess in the time he has him, he wants it all to be rainbows and puppies. No negativity. But life happens. Sometimes the time we parent isn’t always during the best of times . Truth is, M wants and needs his full attention and everything to be great.
With all that being said, it was a fantastic trip. I didn’t say anything about the lack of affection because it did pick up. I think he was nervous or something and he’s just so focused on his kid and giving it all to him that he is t really thinking about much more. He said we made the trip amazing and he was sad to see us go . It was hard to leave.
And I will admit it, I do think he is THE ONE. I could see myself marrying him. If only he would marry again.....
Ginger...
Very happy to read your last update! Makes me smile and feel good hearing when others on the board are having such wonderful times and happiness in their lives!
As a Dad with my daughter, for sure I can relate to how M is with his son, BUT on my mind constantly are your thoughts and comments especially not spoiling her or letting her have whatever she wants. It's a balance for me that I'm still working on and for sure I want to get it as right as I think I can given that I feel how much it will impact her personality/mindset later in life. I know that I value my new lady's input on how she raises her children and it has influenced me for the better on some ways in which I interact with my D4. Wouldn't surprise me as time goes by that more of your influence in how he sees you disciplining your D, rubs off on him and how he handles his son.
-B
Thanks B! In the time I have been divorced, which is a long time, I haven’t had any successful relationships and did a fair amount of dating. I’ve definitely take. Much longer than most, but he is so worth the wait.
I don’t offer advice on parenting unless he asks. And he has asked before when his child was acting up in preschool. And I am afraid I see why he might be. He’s so used to getting immediate attention and gets to make the decisions . Unless he asks again, I won’t offer. Is it annoying sometimes? Yes. We could be talking and he will jump right out of the conversation and run to him if he simply says “dad”. All his time with his son is pure fun. No regular “chores” or getting ready for school, or having to do anything like that. It’s playing, biking, kayaking, fishing, snowboarding..... it’s great he has his son involved in so much. But D11 and I I’ve differently. I deal with every day responsibilities and we are not 24/7 fun. But it was really nice having actual fun with her this week without the daily grind. My daughter finally mastered a bike completely. She was very behind on that due to fear. She used to complain on the beach, this time she was loving playing in the sand with M, me and his son then she found a love for boogie boarding. Those moments are special for my D and I because we don’t get all that fun very much. I did explain to him that when he starts kindergarten this year, life is going to change. There is homework and
I miss them already. There are differences, but overall we have a great time together and we work together nicely. Sunday will be M’s birthday family dinner. I love that D11 and I are included in that.
M leaves again next Saturday for his solo vacation. Hopefully we can have a date night for just us this week. That would be nice too.
Great update! So glad y'all had a wonderful time and that you seem so happy.
I'm not questioning M (or anyone else for that matter) because how they parent is between them and their child. I just don't get that overly permissive, attentive, parenting style. I had that same thought when reading some of what J9 was saying about his dr lady's son. Though my parents are divorced, I'm not technically a child of divorce because I was 25 when they got divorced. MY XH's kids were teenagers when he and I married and were all adults out of the house when we split. Sparky's daughter is younger than my own, but is still an actual adult living on her own, so I get that my experiences are different. I did date men who had children before I married my XH but many of them were part-time dads so maybe I just didn't realize that they were behaving like M does with his son. For some reason, that saying that gets passed around facebook all the time about unruly kids becoming unemployable adults keeps running through my mind.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling M's son unruly...I don't know the kid. But, what I do know is that if he is getting immediate attention and calling all the shots at 5(?), what is life going to be like when he's a teenager? It may be cute now, but likely not so cute when the 15 year old is doing whatever he darn well pleases and no one can really do anything with him.
It's like those parents (and I believe I recall J9 saying that his dr lady is this way with her son) who let their kids run wild then use the excuse that they don't want to "stifle their creativity". HUH? You can correct/control a child without stifling their creativity. I'm sure having very limited time with your kid and having a contentious relationship with the child's mother adds to the mix and I can totally understand why M would be the way you describe. It is almost like he's parenting out of fear. Fear that if something is negative, son will complain to mom and mom will hold it against M and maybe even keep son from him. Pure speculation on my part there, obviously.
I say all that to say this. I'm so happy for you that you have found a great guy and I'm also glad that your little families mesh well. What bothers me (I'm not sure it is necessarily a red flag, but maybe something that you will have to openly communicate about at some point) is that you keep saying you don't offer parenting advice unless he specifically asks (good plan!) but then you also say that he basically corrects you when you are getting on to D11 for something. It seems like y'all are not on the same page with how you should take a backseat role with the other person's child. I get what many have said on here about not being the primary disciplinarian for someone else's child. Totally understand what a huge issue that could be, but it almost seems like M tries to undermine you, in a way. I don't think he does it maliciously, by any stretch of the imagination, but if you are getting onto D11 about something and he's intervening, especially in front of her, that is NOT a good thing for anyone. Having different parenting styles is ok. But to make it work, you HAVE to communicate openly. And, you have to learn to compromise, and realize that the other person doesn't parent like you do and therefore, your kids won't always be little carbon copies of each other. They are different people raised by different people and should be handled differently as a result. You get that, I know, but I'm not sure M does.
Sorry if I'm overstepping my bounds.
I'm sure part of M's parenting style has to do with not having as much time with his son and trying to assuage his parental guilt over the divorce.
I know you long to be in a living-together situation because your marriage was so brief and unsatisfactory. But don't rule out long-term dating but living apart. That might be the easier option with two such different parenting styles. At the very least I would wait another year or two before considering living together.
I'm curious, what were M's parents like?
You didn’t overstep at all, dawn. I am still trying to figure out how to navigate the step parenting thing.
His son is a really good boy. He had his moments as a 5 year old does, very very normal. M feels it isn’t. That he was “off” and really, the moments were small. My daughter has her moments of being a sassy pre teen. She’s still a really good girl, she’s normal . He’s a very active 5 year old boy. Cute as could be. He does play alone nicely. But M insists on being on top of him and involved while he does. It’s honestly not the kid. It’s M. I do think he is making the most of his small amount of time with him and wants to be with him every second and make sure he is happy. Because who wants to spend that time with a kid who is mad at you? It’s a part of parenting though. Sometimes our kids don’t like us for a few moments. What he does I know he does from the heart, but I don’t think he even sees it at all. He’s an extremely attentive loving father. But a little too much.
And I do think the right move is to say nothing unless asked. And I don’t like when he undermines me in front of my daughter. That also comes from a good place. But I shoot him a look of death and tell him “I will not stop” and then continue what I was saying to my daughter. Quite honestly, I don’t think he would like it if I said he needs to give his son some space. I think we are very fortunate that even with our different parenting styles, it works. My heart does go out to him and I hate to say anything because he loves that boy so darn much and takes such pride in the role of being a parent. Which he is good at. And even though he defers to what his son wants all the time is all about him, he is great with my daughter. Gives her attention, teaches her things and they are getting real comfortable with each other . He s so happy when he reaches her something new and she asks a bunch of questions. He kind of glows.
Moving in wouldn’t happen for a looong time. Our housing situations are complicAted. And if I’m being totally honest here, I think he is thrilled about how much his son loves us, but I don’t know if he is ready to share his sons attention all of the time. I think his son would be though. It was cute, M and I were sitting next to each other on the daybed/sofa and he comes over. M asks if he wants to sit on his lap. He says no. I ask him if he wants me to get up so he can sit next to his dad. He says no. I then scoot over and ask if he wants to sit in between us. He snails and say yes, sits down and puts his head on my shoulder. I think he wanted to sit next to me. Then once at a meal I just sat next to son. He was cool. M rearranged seating so he could sit next to him too. He did just tell me he missed us today and the house feels so empty.
M and I did make sure we got 2 nights of us time after the kids went to bed. We would stay up until 1 am outside listening to the band and have some beers and talk and cuddle. And on the last day, he was actually kissing me even on the lips in front of his son and tell me he loves me. He got much more comfortable.
His mom was on vacay with us. She’s the seeetest woman. Quiet. His dad died when he was a teen ( alcohol) and his mom raised to boys alone while working her butt off. If M’s som is ride to anyone, it’s her, actually. D11 pointed it out. And no one says anything. M was a bit of a trouble making teen. She had her hands full. Both of her sons ended up to be very good human beings though. But M clearly strives to be everything his father wasn’t and M has tons of respect for his mom and all she has done. M’s mom really likes my daughter. She has 2 boys and a grandson so she likes having a girl around .
All that being said, I’m here alone with the dog who became the popular dog at the doggie hotel. He had such a blast. He’s currently passed out on my rug. I loved the busyness of it all. It feels empty. I love us.
I agree, the right move is to say nothing. You just need to make sure that you both don't judge each other on your parenting styles, turn it into some subliminal competition, and end up harboring resentment towards each other for it. Then the resentment starts to impact how you view the children.
There will definitely be a time and place for you guys to come together on it which I think will happen naturally as your R unfolds and you both are on the same page about the future
Honestly, it really doesn’t affect me much except I find myself saying “yes” to things I would normally say “no” to with my D. Also, i have to admit it irks me when M and I will be talking and he just jumps up and walks because he has to be throwing attention at his son every second. Attention he is t even seeking.
But I do agree, it will come together over time. We are very fortunate to love each others kids and for our kids to love each other. It’s not easy to come by.
Today my cousin and I are heading into NYC to get some special haircuts for curly hair and having a nice ramen lunch. Tomorrow is M’s birthday and we will All be having dinner together. I hope he likes his present, it’s not easy to buy for a guy, especially when men like big expensive toys that I know nothing about. But I think he’s going to like my gift.
Off to try to embrace my curly hair
I need to vent. Today was M’s birthday. We had a nice birthday dinner and the. Went back to his house because I made him his favorite cupcakes. We must have been alone 5 minutes and he says “ let’s go upstairs, I only have one more hour with son” fine, I get it. I say to him “ just promise me we will get 2 hours of alone time this week before you go away” he quickly says “ if I can, my mom’s rental has a leak and I might have to fix it”
We haven’t had alone time in almost 3 weeks. I thought he was going to say “ of course” . Instead he quickly gave me an excuse as to why he couldn’t. Yet again. I was soooooo hurt. I wanted to leave right after the cupcakes ( which I made group scratch) I was just so hurt. I do try, also because he expressed wanted to have his last hour with his son, who was paying attention to us. So we couldn’t quite get out. I left and told him to have a good trip. I can’t say anything to him now, it’s his birthday, but I’m so upset, I’m crying.
Am I wrong? Yes, now he accepts me as a part of his sons life and vice versa. Something I had been wanting. But now it’s loke that we have that, he never wants to be with just me anymore. And not for nothing, I’m barely in the room when his son is around. Which is fine, kids first. But no alone time? Sure, he will kiss me in front of him and tell me he loves me, but I have no clue what is going on. Is he not attracted to me anymore?? I know I’ve gained weight. ( like 7 lbs since we started dating” I wasn’t happy with myself before. But I always make sure I look good for him.
What could this be? I feel so hurt right now. If it was t his birthday, I would be addressing it immediately. Making an excuse for not being able to see me for 2 hours out of the week before he goes away for a week is just wrong. You find the time because you are going to miss your girlfriend and you haven’t had had sex in god knows how long and you want to see her.
Seriously Am I crazy for feeling this way?
It has nothing to do with your 7 lbs. But honestly, he might not have a very high sex drive - and if so, that might be a problem.
Does he call for phone sex after kids are asleep? How much does he call or text during the week?
This isn't a new thing - the sex has always been few and far between and somewhat dependent upon you making it happen. It might not be as important to him as it is to you. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion but I'd be watching for it.
And I think it would be fine to just say something to the effect that "sex once or twice a month really isn't enough for me".
Well that blew up huge. I said something. He blew it out of proportion. I won’t get into the details, but he
Feels after our very nice week together I am still not satisfied and he won’t be able to satisfy me.
You are right, sex is not a priority at all. That was made clear. He called it a “bonus”
Nothing sexual goes on outside of the bedroom.
We had a very long talk. I’m still processing it all. In the end, we said we love each other incredibly. But there are things we do not see eye to eye on. And he’s pretty mad at me for “making plans for us” ( asking for 2 hours together this week) without involving him.
Truth is, I don’t even want to be “fit in if he has time” as he put it. I’ll just see him when we get back. Maybe. But I won’t be pursing it.
Again. So torn and so hard. He made me feel awful for wanting to see him. In my mindset, any guy would want to see his girlfriend before he left for a ask vacation and not go 2.5 weeks without seeing each other and over a month with no alone time. But maybe I’m being greedy. I am included in the family. But the truth is, we don’t live together, we don’t do our kids thing then put them to sleep and then lay down in the same bed. And maybe I’m too demanding for wanting it all.
O honey, you're not too demanding . You might be rushing things a little bit. Your desire to be part of a traditional family (which I understand , because you got gypped) does cause you to put some pressure on things. BUT - it's not unrealistic to want to have a reasonably active sex life and to have your boyfriend make you feel like he can't wait to jump your bones. Heck, I'm 63 and I still expect that!!!
So you've said your bit, now back off and see what he does with that information. Don't meddle with the experiment. You expressed an ordinary relationship need.
Ginger...nope not too demanding at all! And zippo to do with 7lbs. No guy would not want to see his girlfriend ALONE before being apart for that long. Priorities...and needs. It is great that you both feel that you love each other incredibly. Thing is you've moved in up in your priority list, but it doesn't sound as though he's done the same for you.
You are expecting the level of attention and commitment from him commisserate with your shared feelings for one another. I totally get the "last hour with my son"...I felt that last night with the last hour I had with D4. As a man that STILL makes me emotional even though we've been doing our custody for 18 months now. BUT he then should have been all for having the 2 hours of alone time with you. Me and new girl are what we are, but one thing that I've loved is how after her kids or my D4 are down, we would make time for ourselves even if we were sneaking around in the house like teenagers. Oh and sex being a bonus...that's a red flag that sounds like you will need further discussion about.
Making you feel awful for wanting to see him...that comment stuck out to me. As KML says, back off now. Time and patience as neffer has said in many threads on here.
Hang in there G! NOTHING you expressed is too demanding. Give him time to process your feelings with his. His focus on his son may contrast with his ability to understand how he can prioritize your relationship more, but he has to do so just as you have done. Give him "some" grace with that. If he's like most men he's super sensitive about being everything for his son and to share his time more with you may cause him to have to deal with some emotions he's not easily able to handle. You deserve what you've asked for. He may need some love and encouragement getting there.
-B
Sorry to hear G. I dont think what you are looking for our need is too much or demanding. You expressed what you want, what you need, and what you expect. Either he can step up and fulfill or he can't. If he does then continue moving forward. Of he cant then you may have some decisions to make. I agree with the others....back off, pull back and see 2jat he does.
Thank you guys so much for making me feel like I’m not a high maintenance and crazy.
It was an old pattern though. I express something, a need/want, I am made to feel like I’m unreasonable and demanding and I end up apologizing and feeling like poop. Now I feel like poop because he thought I wasn’t appreciative of our awesome family time. But that’s not it. It’s normal in a relationship to make time for the one you love if you aren’t going to see them for a while. It went back and forth him being angry that I “made plans for us without consulting him” with a little validation of my wanting to spend alone adult time together with guilt thrown in that I am not happy with what he has given me as far as vacation/family time, which I assured him is not true. I do think he finally believed that.
I remain hurt, and a little frustrated . But it is what it is. Alone time and seeing me or being intimate with me is not a high priority for him at all. He actually made me feel really bad about wanting to be intimate with him. Telling me it would be idiotic to put sex before his responsibilities. Which was not what I was asking for. Now I don’t even want it. I feel the insecurity I had with my ex in the bedroom has come back. And that was awful.
Again, it’s all a trade off. I love our family life. And when we get our alone time, it’s great. He told me his son and his mom absolutely love me as does he. But something doesn’t add up for me.
So for me, I’m backing off. He can do whatever this week. I don’t want him to see me if it’s not what he wants and it’s too stressful. I’ve got enough to do this week. It’s jot about needing him to fill a void. It’s about wanting to be close to the one I love. But I certainly don’t want it if he doesn’t.
So it’s pull back week.
Oh, and everyone is just loving my hair today
Also, I was so about being understanding and considering what he needs. He didn’t seem to give two sh!ts about what I wanted. Just that I should just get his needs and deal with it.
People reveal themselves over time G....maybe this is how he was in his marriage as well. What would his XW complaints about him be? Do you know? Has he told you how he contributed to the failure of it? I was very honest with the Dr. about my short-comings.
If this is who he is and he is showing his true colors and you believe he is in-love with you but he is not capable of giving you what you need then you are going to have to make some choices if this R is for you.
In my opinion, based on what you write, to me he seems high maintenance. That everything has to be just perfect and his way. Sorry if I am off base and I don't mean to offend and if I am off you can certainly tell me.
I agree with TB. I know you are in love G but if this is who he is, how do you think things will be a year from now or five years from now? And if he really loves you, would he not want to try to come to a compromise or meet you half way. I get that not everyone has the same needs but why should you sacrifice all of your needs in favour of his?
I’m not saying you should throw in the towel but I do think you should step back and really think about what you want your future to look like and whether or not this is it. The thing is...the easiest phase of a relationship is in the beginning. If you are having this much trouble seeing eye-to-eye at this stage, how hard is it going to be five years from now? Think about what you would tell your friend if she came to you with the same story. What advice would you give to her?
Totally agree with J9 and Deja, but I want to go back to something first before I forget it. In your initial post about this where you started by saying you were venting, at one point you asked if you were crazy for feeling the way that you do. Now, forgive me if I am saying something offensive here because that isn't my intention, but that seems to be your "normal" setting....worrying if you are wrong or "crazy" or bad or whatever. Girl, those are YOUR feelings and you are absolutely entitled to them and it is absolutely NO ONE's place to tell you that they are wrong, crazy, etc. You feel how you feel and that is ok. I have said to you before that you and I are very similar people and I used to be really bad about negative self talk like that. I finally just got to a point where I realized that I felt how I felt and it didn't matter how it appeared to anyone else because there wasn't a d@mn thing I could do about feelings anyway. If I could give you a gift in this world, it would be the gift of that ability to just sit back and realize that thoughts, feelings, emotions are ok and yours are just as valid as anyone else's. I don't know if it is getting older that has allowed me to shift my focus or what, but I hope you can find that peace at some point.
Now, back to agreeing with J9 and Deja. I have said before that I don't necessarily think M is a bad guy, nor am I advocating that you cut and run right this minute, but yeah, more than likely, you are just finally seeing his true colors because some of the new has worn off. It seems, from early on with M, that you have been expressing your needs and he kind of blows them off. Sex is very important. It is not everything, but it should be a solid part of any good relationship and if he isn't making time for that at least occasionally, it would make me wonder why. I mean, his sex drive is obviously lower than yours, but why? (Besides the obvious that you are 2 different people.) Is this something you can live with? Over time, if this pattern continues, will you grow to resent him for it?
I learned a long time ago that people do NOT change. I mean, sure, we can put lipstick on a pig, but people do not change who they inherently are for any reason at any time. M is who he is. Like J9 was saying, I would be interested to hear his XW's version of how he was in marriage. To hear my XH tell it, he was super husband and his first XW was horrible, but it became obvious to me over time that both of them were a little more middle of the road than he'd wanted to admit. It has been my experience that when someone paints their former partner in a super negative light (as M did with his XW, based on some of the things that you have said he's told you and some of your own observations), that person typically is somewhat less than honest about their role in that negative behavior.
You have to take a good hard look at what is important to you, what your needs are and whether he can legitimately meet those needs without you having to feel bad for asking for what you want/need. I'm not saying you shouldn't compromise on things occasionally, because let's face it, relationships are give and take, but you shouldn't be the one ALWAYS compromising and then feeling bad because you spoke up and asked for what you need. It seems, in this case, that you do all the giving and M does all the taking. Yes, the family vacation stuff IS great and it is amazing that y'all enjoyed it as a whole group. It is great that he has such strong feelings for you and that his son and his mother love you and D11. Those are all wonderfully positive things. But, that is only 1 part of your relationship. While neither of you stops being a parent when your children aren't with you, you also don't stop being a woman and a man in an adult, healthy, sexual, romantic relationship. In a way, I get what M means that sex is a "bonus" because if you think about it, if you like each other and enjoy each other's company AND you have great sex (regardless of frequency), then that great sex is just an added bonus to the whole deal. I don't think of it as a bonus in that it is something that is earned, but rather a bonus in an "icing on the cake" kind of sense, if that makes any sense at all.
As others have said, backing off and just giving M some space is probably for the best right now. And, do NOT feel bad about wanting to have your needs met. If he can't or won't do it, then you may have to take a long, hard, difficult look at whether staying involved is in your best interest.
There's a phrase in the codependency literature about people who become "wantless and needless". It's coping mechanism in people who have been raised with toxic shame.
"The shame ridden personality may show up as one who is very compliant, lacking self will, and instead seeking validation from others through serving their needs and wants. This person becomes needless and wantless as they are ashamed of having needs and fearful of being shamed again by others for speaking up and having a demand to have their own needs and wants received by others."
It's VERY HEALTHY for you to have expressed your needs and desires. Don't fall back into being needless and wantless. We all know that you are extremely accommodating and it wouldn't really take that much to please you in this department.
Now, give him some time to process this. Make plans for yourself this week. Let him do the initiating. Don't mess with the conditions of the experiment - let him show you what he does with this information. (And to be fair to him, in the past when you have made your needs known, he HAS stepped up to the plate, so I do hold out some hope for the guy. )
I have been thinking about what each and every one of you has said today while I’ve been working.
I am surely confused yet again. I am on cloud 9 for what we have together as a family unit. I felt like that increased his love for me in a way, and I know it increased mine. It’s more than I could have dreamed of. The times we had just us were also amazing too. When he wanted to be with me, when I wasn’t a chore, when he would take any chance he got.
It’s like we went right to married couple when we heavily involved the kids. And I think even when they are your shared kids and you are married, adult time should be a priority. It’s how a lot of marriages fail.
And to speak to what happened in his marriage.... they had a baby then lots of stressors. They fought. And I could see how fighting with him is frustrating. He’s pretty hard headed. And I see how he is with his son. He said he checked out of the marriage with the fighting. I could see him focusing solely on his son and neglecting his relationship with his wife. It could be a possibility.
Some days I am so happy I can’t take it. Then he pulls this stuff . This kicked my butt honestly. He was mean at first, made me feel low for mentioning sex and said I wanted him to neglect his responsibilities to have sex with me. It crushed me. He validated a slight part of what I was feeling then argues with me for scheduling his time. I asked my boyfriend to see me before he went away. And I was made to feel bad for it. Then he goes on to tell me how much he loves me..... it’s spinning my head.
I am definitely backing off. I want to back off. I don’t even want to reach out right now. The thought of having sex with him gives me anxiety. Like I had with my ex. Which is a shame because it was so good and connected and intimate with M. I need him to miss me a little. Who wants to have an arguement with the one they love about spending time together ? Not me. I want him to want it. And he doesn’t, so, I don’t either.
Yes, he does get a little dramatic and regimented about his commitments . He acts like he is the only one who has them. The only one who even has a kid. He has no household responsibilities he doesn’t shop or cook or clean. He doesn’t get his son to camp or school. I worked my butt off all day, picked up my D made a nice dinner and now I have to mow the lawn while doing laundry and cleaning up. I have my fair share too. But his stuff is always bigger than mine.
As far as me expressing my needs/wants. I have been programmed to have none and to have them is wrong. You are right on the money, KML. My ex used to turn around anything I asked of him emotionally into me being a burden. My mom too, yes. So I question if I’m being unreasonable. And I’m sad he made me feel like I was. And I still don’t think I was at all.
I’m tired catering to others wants when mine are disregarded and worse yet, invalidated. It makes me feel small.
I can’t explain what’s between us. It’s a great love and sometimes it is more wonderful than I could describe. But when it’s not, it’s not. The good definitely outweighs the negative by far. But yesterday brought me back to a place with my ex, and I didn’t like that. He took my small want and blew it up into not being happy with anything and not being able to “satisfy” me.
He did text me today briefly. Then told me he has to go to work after he drops off his son tomorrow night at 8 pm which he wasn’t glad about.
I know I won’t be seeing him this week. He won’t make time. Unless he truly wants it. But I may just not be available.
My D also leaves for vacation Saturday , I’ll have a weekend to myself. Then I leave for Nashville next Thursday. Bachelorette time with my girls is what I need.
I’ve been neglecting myself. I haven’t been to the gym because I put it on hold because I hurt myself and I was too busy to pay so much money. The gym is for my physical and mental well being and it’s not there.
On the plus side, I got so many compliments on my hair and how cute and tan I look today. It felt good. M rarely compliments how I look anymore. He did tell me over text that my hair was gorgeous. But the last guy who really complimented how I looked was my exH. Imagine that.
I feel like he’s fallen into the married mode. He never flirts. Never ends me even a little flirty text. Never really had either. I guess it’s just not important to him. And what should be more important to me is he loves me and my daughter .
But KML, I am going to go an continue with this experiment. I told him what I wanted in the pass, he gave every excuse not to give it, I backed off, and he did it.
But FYI, men. Women do like to feel like a priority and they like to feel attractive.
G - My best friend from K lives in Nashville, it's a very fun city. Go enjoy yourself! I was there last summer.
I wonder if some of this stuff falls into the love language category. If I remember one of yours is quality time???? Maybe he doesn't know how important it is to you. I assume he hasn't done the work that we all have so maybe that is a part of it? Could this be a learning experience for him?
You all go on vacation with his mom and son so that would tell me he does love you, care about you etc. I am not doing that if I don't love/care about someone. So I kind of lean towards this is who he is, the newness has worn off and he is comfortable. I think the coach could help him
How do you feel when you are around him? Happy, sad, on eggshells, like the only woman in the room????
I applaud you for standing up for yourself and expressing what you need.
Thank you, J. Standing up for myself is one of the hardest things for me to do. Being beaten down so many times when I have before, I just don’t do it anymore. Even though in the end, I found myself apologizing all over the place, I’m glad I spoke my mind. More to work on.
As my best friend pointed out last night, it was a huge deal for him to include me in his family part of life. I do believe he loves me and loves me as much as he says.
It does come down to love languages. He is only comfortable expressing love in HIS LL. I bet if I told him I needed something done around the house , he would have made time.
He hasn’t done the work we have . I think he believes he is giving me the world .
He is completely comfortable and feels he doesn’t need to do the stuff he once did.
How do I feel around him?? That is a good question. Sometimes, like I am the only woman in the room. When we were at the once concert, he was all about holding my hand, rubbing my leg, and all that stuff and was focused on me. The next day, not as much. Some days he is seems like he is bursting with love for me and I can feel it, other days I am barely visible when we are together. We were watching our kids play together and he put his arm around me and I just looked at him and said “I am so happy”
We need a date. We need a romantic dinner, just the two of us and we need a sleep over. I need to lay in his arms again. It’s been a while. The most we got was when he fell asleep on my chest when we were away laying on the daybed/sofa. And it lasted 15 min because it was really uncomfortable, lol.
I haven’t heard from his since 11 which isn’t unusual. He has a lot to do tonight. I would reach out and say goodnight, but I’m not going to.
I want him to want me, not just be another chore on his list.
I think he needs a come to G meeting! The Dr. and I usually text a bit in the morning, usually a brief chat around lunch then we chat a bit or talk on the phone at night. I don't know what kind of job he has but everyone has time for something brief. This morning I was at the gym and sent the Dr. something simple..."Good morning beautiful, have a great day! Hope you slept well". It doesn't have to be much.
Just remember a couple of things. If he wanted to break up he already would have done so, I do believe he loves you. I think it is going to come down to whether or not he can give you what you need. If he is willing to change and be more present, be more aware and understanding of your needs. Does he have the ability to do so or is this how he is hard wired.
It doesn't mean he is a bad person as the way he is could work for someone else. Ultimately if he can't change it just might not work for you.
As a suggestion I would make it crystal clear to him what you need. In my marriage my XW didn't do that and unfortunately I was not equipped to read between the lines. I heard the complaints but didn't understand the seriousness of them. If you love him do him and yourself a favor and make it crystal clear so there is no mistake in the message you deliver.
Hang in there G love!
I was doing lots of thinking( as per usual) and I realized I not for one second have thought about letting this relationship go. I still see this to be long term. I have found a guy who I do believe loves me,Ioves my child, and Vice Vera. That is a rarity. A gem to hold on to. And when we do get that alone time, it’s great. And our time with our kids is great.
I was very clear on my needs. I didn’t want him to guess. I told him. And his rebuttal was “ you mention needs, but aren’t those wants?” And we got into a whole debate about psychological vs. physiological needs. We were sending google links to each other, lol. I finally said “didn’t you tell me you “need” alone time? Sounds more like a want to me!” And that’s when he threw in the towel, lol.
He texts me every morning something sweet, drops a text in the day, and one at night when it’s really hectic. He did eventually text me, didn’t ask how I was, just mentioned he was pooped and a few other things. He wished me goodnight, told me he loves me with a bunch of kissy emojis.
I have counted out seeing him this week. And history does show, I make a need known, he tells me why he can’t fulfill it, then slowly does. My D is going to a sleep over tonight, to her dads tomorrow night, then on vacation for a week. This weekend is going to be hot as heck, I want to go to my dads at the beach, but this dog! I’m going to beg to take him. We shall see. Got some good stuff lined up for myself. I’ve decided to take my first kickboxing class in 2 years. Should feel good! Or I’ll vomit. Could go either way.
Good G....sounds like you are in a good place. Now you just sit back and see what he does with it. Hold the line!
back at work this week. D fell at camp and I had to bring her to work for an x ray and luckily she was fine. It benefits tonwork at a hospital and one close to home, I went back to work and still got out on time.
then M tells me his mom fell at work and hurt her wrist and he is taking her to the hospital ( the one I work at) it’s broken and she stayed and is having surgery today. Thisnpoor woman. M is supposed to be leaving for vacation Saturday. I have no idea if he still is. I’m going to go visit her today. If he is going I am going tonoffer to help her out since I will be home and childless.
I offered to come by, bring a bite to eat, or get stuff from his house last night. He never answered about rhebhite to eat and he said he would grab the stuff because he had to stop at home. But first when I said “let me help” his reply was “how”. I guess my superpower is that I show up. I will do anything and drop anything for someone who needs me even if it’s to show up and give emotional support. I can’t help people by fixing things, but I will always show up, even if it’s to be there by your side. That’s what I did with his tooth ache. Got him an appt, went to the store and got him some soft foods.
But it may not be a big deal to some people. He was thankful at the time of his tooth though. I am just a helpful person. I know what it’s like to be alone , not have much help and want some support. So I try to give it when I can.
Illl justbgo behind the scenes and make sure she gets the VIP treatment. This is gonna be tough.
I have been reading along and not really knowing what to say. It seems clear that you and M speak very different love languages and that is not necessarily a bad thing. I have that same issue with Sparky, but the difference is that when I tell Sparky what I need and I listen to him about what he needs, we actively work together to meet the other's needs. M doesn't seem to do that. Again, not at all saying he is a bad guy for that, but it gives me the feeling that he has just never put that kind of effort into a relationship or at least hasn't in a long time and so is possibly out of practice.
Then, just in the past few days, I read something that really jumped out at me. It was talking about how we get so caught up in figuring out what our love language is that we sometimes forget to speak to our partner in THEIR love language. We think we know what theirs is and we may or may not be right. The thing I read REALLY made me take pause and go wait, what? Do I do that? I know what mine is. I know how I like to be "handled". And, I know how I typically "handle" other people, but in a relationship, I do think it is important to go that extra mile and make sure that you are dealing with the person in the way that best suits them.
Having said all that, I don't know if that is the issue with M or not. And, I'm not even necessarily saying it is. I'm just giving you a little food for thought, I suppose. I can't speak for him, but I always appreciate when people show up for me, regardless of when it is. That's a big deal to me, so I try to be that person for people too.
But first when I said “let me help” his reply was “how”.
So the message here is, he doesn't "receive" your Acts of Service. Do them all you want, but don't expect him to perceive them as statements of love because that's not his love language. (If he DOES Acts of Service for you, his Love Language is probably words of affirmation).
It's fantastic that you are willing to leap in and save his vacation by taking care of his mom, but it might be best to step back and wait to offer that until you see what he's going to do.
I "speak" acts of service (and I think, like most, I do them hoping to hear Words of Affirmation). I wasted a lot of time in my marriage doing things for my ex that meant nothing to him.
I absolutely do think he speaks to me in his love language. And I have spoken to him in every single love language and I still don’t know which it is, I think words of affirmation may be right.
I was glad to help, because that’s what I do. He told me when I came through for the tooth thing that I really outdid myself and he was so appreciative . And I went and saw them after our rounds and visit for a bit. I sat down next to him and he put his hand on mine. We then had a late lunch together at the hospital when she was in surgery and I sat with him for a bit in the waiting area. He seemed appreciative, receptive and also kissed me. He is going away because his brother comes home from his business trip tomorrow. She came out of surgery well and should be going home shortly.
I realized what upset my sooooo much. It wasn’t that I wasn’t going to see him. I really wanted to, but that wasn’t why I was so upset. It was how fast he blew me off without seeming to care he wasn’t going to see me. If he would have said “ I have so much going on this week, I don’t know I can it, but I really want to see you too and I will try my best” I would have been disappointed rather than hurt. I just needed to know he wanted to. When it felt like he couldn’t care less, that’s what hurt me so bad.
Anyways, I’m going to leave this in the past and let him just go on vacation and be peaceful. He needs this. Maybe he will miss me and be anxious to spend some time with me when he gets home. We will work this out. It seems as if we have forgiven and forgotten and moving forward.
When he calls you from his vacation (if he does) put some loud music on in the background before you pick up the phone and act like you're at a party!!!! Let him wonder what you're up to lol!
He’s a texter. And will be in the wilderness where there might not be any service. I got me a rugged mountain man.
But I will be at a bachelorette party in Nashville Thursday-Sunday!
Hey Ginger...so in your 2nd to last post I think its great that you were able to dig down into what specifically bothered you about not being able to see him. I know he's away, but have you two yet been able to have a conversation where you've been able to share that with him? Even to an outsider, yeah for sure the speed with which he blew you off in your reqeust was <facepalm>.
LOL well this weekend you are will be having a blast! Nashville is one of my favorites places in the world. Whether you can reach him or not, if he's smart and has fall for you...knowing that you are there partying he WILL be thinking about you ALOT.
Hope you are having an awesome time! Jealous! :-)
-B
Thanks, B! He actually leaves today and I leave on Thursday. It’s going to be a lot of fun and we have some good awesome things planned. I really only get 2 full days there, but my liver probably wouldn’t be able to handle more.
M invited me over last night. He got done early. I went to his house, we hung out with his mom for about an hour and then hung out on the patio for a while and I slept over. It’s been a while since we slept in the same bed all snuggled up. And you know what else. We were talking and he told me when he has a lot to do in a little bit of time, that’s when he becomes frazzled. Otherwise he’s the most chill guy you will meet. And he indicated that’s what it was all about this week.
His mom is a generally quiet lady. But she’s very much opened up with me and we were cracking up last night and poking fun at M together. She always likes to tell me what a good girl D11 is. Which I take as a compliment likewise.
He usually does come through. What it comes down to is I think we both realize we got a great thing within each other. Tons of love there. We talked about some plans we wanted to make with the kids when he gets back. His eyes light up when he talks about something him and D11 shared. The two of us could chill and talk forever. And when sex does happen it’s amazing.
And D11 texted me this morning that she loves me so much and she’s going to miss me so much and told me to have a good trip. She’s my heart.
We are under an excessive heat warning here so I plan on staying home pretty much all weekend and cleaning and organizing . They even cancelled the NYC triathon. The air is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I had thought about taking myself to the beach, it it’s even too hot to do that. So I might as well be productive.
Yeah G.....so do you feel better, the same or no difference?
I feel better. The toughest parent for me was feeling like he couldn’t give a poop if he spent time with me or not, not the inability to do it. And I think he did care. He just got overwhelmed. We had a really nice night last night.
I had to leave before he fully woke up to tend to my door, but he woke up enough to say goodbye and I left him a love note in all the stuff he packed. He got it. He said he’s really going to miss me.He’s going to the middle of nowhere alone and I’m a little concerned. May or may not have WiFi or cell service. My daughter is traveling in the opposite direction for vacation today. She sent me a text telling me she’s really going to miss me too and that I’m the best mom who always puts her first.
I read your thread, J9 about the doctor wanting to marry you. I swore I never saw myself getting married again, but a lot of people have been asking me if marriage is in the future with M, and I would absolutely marry him. It’s kind of complicated with our logistics, and I don’t think he will ever do it again because of how badly he got screwed. But the. Again, he explained to his son what a bonus mom is and a bonus sister. He refers to all of our activities together as “family” activities, and we had something that was wedding cake flavored last night and he said “ have some wedding cake, dear” just a joke, surely, but we may live together as husband and wife one day even if we don’t make it legal.
But we don’t really discuss the future clearly, but we are both going in the same direction. We both said to each other we are in this for the long run. Time will tell what that looks loke
Well G in my experience when people joke around or make jokes they are actually using the joke as a way to Express themselves and how they feel. He may be thinking about it more than you know.
m always tells me a wise man one e said there is always a little best of truth in a joke . Maybe there is?
I’ve been drinking and I’m on my phone which never agrees with em.
A wise man once told me there is always a little bit of truth in every joke
He’s been texting me good morning from his solo vacation every morning and texting every night and sending pictures. He promised in August we will have a getaway, just us, to a similar place. I look forward to that. He’s been having the time of his life all alone. Me, on the other hand had the time of my life yesterday at my friends house with other friends at her pool. The drinks were flowing, it was hot as heck, but we just stayed in the pool. I needed decompression with my friends.
My daughter is away and had texted me in a panic last night and I didn’t see it until 1 am. Then she called me this morning and when I called her back she didn’t answer. I panicked. She was crying last night. I think she was pretty homesick. Today seems to be a better day for her.
I walked into another sh!t show at work today. Everyone and everything is a mess and my dear social worker is having a personal issue she keeps telling the story over and over and is all in a tizzy. I usually have the patience, but I do not today.
I am really really jealous of M right now.
I will be officially divorced 10 years tomorrow . Facebook reminded me.
What a trip it has been.
FB really reminds us of a lot of crappy stuff lol. I'm so glad I wasn't on FB when I was going through my divorce. Bad enough that crazy exBF keeps cropping up.
FB really reminds us of a lot of crappy stuff lol. I'm so glad I wasn't on FB when I was going through my divorce. Bad enough that crazy exBF keeps cropping up.
just found out you can block individuals in your "memories" isn't that cool?
xoxoxo
I went through and spent the better part of a day purging social media history. Sometimes I regret doing that but not often.
It doesn't hurt as much as it used to.
Funny thing is that in many ways I perhaps got her best years. We had a good marriage over-all which is perhaps why her sudden "unhappiness" and affair was such a challenge for me.
What would have been my 30th anniversary is the middle of next month. Last year I had a lovely date with CL on that date - not planned but co-incidental. As you say Ginger - it's certainly been a trip. Much of it very unpleasant. And some of it wonderful.
Here's hoping for a bright future for us all after our walks in the dark forest.
Thanks Andrew. I am fortunate to have depressed on 2008, the first year of FB. We never had those pictures, just the old fashioned kind stored in a bad in my basement. Never been public on social media with anyone I’ve dated so that never pops up. M is the first. No R statuses but tagging each other in pictures as such.
I often marvel through all I’ve been through and survived and accomplished since then. Mailing a few times, changing jobs, learning how to be a first time mom alone. Advancing my degree, buying a house. All on my own. And raising an amazing child. Early on I didn’t think I could survive it, let alone find happiness. But I have.
I have had a killer 3 days at work, sometimes my job can be so extremely mentally draining, I am zapped by the time I get home. I’ve been alone and enjoying reading a really good book on my couch the past few days.
I’m leaving for the bachelorette party and I can’t wait! Keeping the secret from the bachelorette that I am coming when I said I wasn’t has been hard. They arrived today, I’ll arrive tomorrow night . My friend said the bachelorette is disappointed I’m not there. So my plan tomorrow is to meet them at a bar by our place and casually stroll in and ask if I can buy a drink to celebrate. We have fun stuff going on, a male revue with VIP seating and the hot seat for our friend. A party tour bus with a DJ and a abar tender, wineries and farmers markets. I’m pretty sure my liver is going to hate me.
M has been in a lot of contact on his solo vacay. Always wishes me good morning and goodnight, sends me pics, tells me he misses me and said during a conversation “ as long as you are you and perfect, we will be sharing many sunsets together . He’s having a good time. My D is having a dog time. I’m about to have a good time. But I can’t wait to see the ones I love
Have fun G....are you guys doing that bar on wheels thing where you peddle around town?
Thanks! We did have it booked, but we decided to cancel it. They give you ONE stop. I need to pee more than once if I’m drinking . Too much work. We do have a party bus tour with a bartender and a DJ. Then we have a male revue in the VIP section. We got the bride in the “hot seat” and I got my dolla bills!
I’m in the airport now. . I can’t wait to surprise her!!!
Sounds like a ton of fun Ginger!!! Have a fantastic time!!!
Sweet! I never understood the appeal of peddling around town. I heard you had to bring your own booze. It looked like too much work to me!
Hello all! I’m going to keep it short and sweet and not even start a new threAd.
I had a blast in Nashville. My friend was so happy I was her surprise. She brought her friends from where she lives who is in the wedding party. We can’t stand her. She’s attention seeking, cheats on her husband and it’s all she talks about. We are afraid she will do something stupid and take the spotlight away from her on her wedding day. We are NOT going to let that happen. But what a fun fun city. I felt 21 again! Dancing on an own roof party bus dancing on the bar at coyote ugly....so much fun!
M enjoyed his solo vacay as well. He stayed in frequent contact and was very sweet and missed me. Some days he seems so into me others he can be kind of matter o fact. I’ve been trying to figure it out, and I think I kind of have. It upsets me sometimes because I feel like I am going nuts. He picked me up from the airport, brought me to breakfast and we spent during the day together. It was very nice he spoke of bribing the kids up to the vacation spot next year.
I struggle sometimes with what our future holds and what he’s thinking. He seems to be in it for the long run, but we never talked about what that meant. Moving in? Getting married? I have no clue. In a month we will have been together for a year. I figure after that point we can discuss what we see for the future in the next few years.
I also realize comparison is the thief of joy. I ready and hear about other people’s relationship shops thinking my guy should want to spend any moment he can with me. But he doesn’t. And that’s probably just what’s notnright for us. We both have lots of responsibilities and it’s not always possible.
I also have to take some time to focus on myself and my health. It’s been tough to not be active in the gym and gain the weight. And I saw a bunch of pictures of myself from this trip and I’m kind of disgusted. And I’m panicking about my physical because I bet my cholesterol is high.
I need to take care of myself and my health. Slowly but surely. I want to get back to where I was.
So I’m taking some me time, to focus on my health, my thoughts, my relationship, with as little pouting in from the outside as I can
I really need to begin to trust myself and rebuild my confidence
Ginger...very happy to hear you enjoyed your Nashville trip! Such an awesome place to have fun for girls and guys!
You know some guys really just are unclear about what they want in a relationship OR know, but don't know how to express it OR there's a million dating sites that tell guys to stay mysterious/unclear in our feelings to keep a lady's attraction and curiousity high. Thing is though at a year mark as you've invested the time in him and the relationship, he should be aware of what he wants AND willing to talk with you about it. It sounds like you need to begin bringing up those conversations with him. The most important thing is that you need to define what it is YOU see and want for your future together and then not settle for less.
Working on yourself in the gym, with your health, etc is a great thing to be doing. Keeping the focus on YOUR life first and working with him over time to see if you two have the same future plans in mind will pay off for you in the end.
-B
The gym is a good place to start G. Stay focused on yourself and the rest will fall into place.
You are right every R is different. My buddy moved in with his girlfriend after 1.5 years of dating and they lived together for another 1.5 years before they got engaged. She has her kids full time, and he has the normal state law dad visitation only because he travels for work.
I personally could see myself and the dr. getting married however it’s not right yet. However I know we are both on the same page so I am not concerned.
You seem to question M and has actions towards you rather frequently. Is it your own insecurities or is something missing that you need and are not getting?
Thanks! It’s been difficult for me, because while never skinny, I’ve been in very good physical shape and healthy. Good endurance, kick butt workouts, and these days it’s hard to make time and get back on track. And when I work our, i also want to eat better. My best friend is a spin instructor and has bikes in her home and we are going to start with 2 nights a week. I’ve always loved spinning. Getting there has always been an issue. My friend lives 3 min away. I want a little confidence back.
The god’s honest truth is I know what I want, but the complications of it make it seem almost impossible. I just bought a house. I want to stay in this town for D11’s school. I am pretty sure M wants to stay in his town and buy his moms house which is really nice. Do I take my child out of her school? I don’t know. I mean, it’s the town over, a great system, just not her current friends. But I do think we really need to talk about it. I know we will be a slow go. And I’m fine with that, there is no much to logistically workout.
And sure, it’s scary for me as I haven’t lived with anyone but my daughter in 11 years. I’m quite used to my own space. But I think I would love to live with him. But we do need to have the talk, even if nothing is happening soon, I need to know where this is potentially headed.
I question things with M because of insecurities and because he can be all over the place. Which gets confusing. He has admitted to loving me incredibly and I think he has to pull himself back every now and then because of the trauma he went through. It was really really bad. I’m actually amazed with the way he has allowed himself to trust me and love me after all he’s dealt with.
Time will continue to tell. I’m trying to stay much more on the present . That’s hard for me sometimes. I’ve had so much unpredictability in my life since I was a kid, I guess I kind of crave it now
Makes sense.....i can understand the desire to want to know after a year of dating. I guess if you bring it up you just need to be ready for whatever answers you get. All of that stuff with the kids, etc. is definitely stuff you have to think about as you move forward. It complicates things. My opinion would be that he moves to you since his son is so young and hasn’t started school. I would not move your daughter. If I was dating someone in your shoes I wouldn’t want her to move either.
The dr. And I are lucky because we live in the same town and the same school district. Her house is bigger and she bought it after her divorce and it is paid off. I would sell my mine, buy something smaller and ask my mom if she wanted to move to town and live in it.
First of all - the guy contacted you every day while he was CAMPING. If that doesn't convince you that he's serious about you I don't know what will.
Second:
But I think I would love to live with him. But we do need to have the talk, even if nothing is happening soon, I need to know where this is potentially headed.
No you don't need to have that conversation yet. Seriously. It's too soon. And you should just be enjoying where you are now and working on your differences in this relationship without trying to jump ahead.
As for D11 and school - would it make sense to wait a couple of years until she goes to high school? That seems like a natural transition point, many people go to different high schools and friend groups often change in high school anyway.
I understand why you crave the affirmation given your childhood, but try to be patient and let things unfold over time.
Oh yeah, I wouldn’t pull her out of middle school. She’s got 2 more years to go, if anything, high school. It really is complicated, and I guess there is no reason to discuss.
He’s committed 100%. I am committed 100% he shows me by this inclusion in his family. He was the one who explained bonus mom to his son in reference to me sort of. He always kept in touch, brought me back some goodies and for D11. I think he has a hard time doing the balancing act. He is type A when it comes to his commitments. I love that he has hobbies he loves to do. I love he tries to include me when he can. And we have stuff we love to do together. Things are good. His attitude just changes from time to time. But I’m sure that has more with what’s going on in his head and life that doesn’t involve me.
I just have been letting myself go and I can’t do that anymore
The god’s honest truth is I know what I want, but the complications of it make it seem almost impossible. I just bought a house. I want to stay in this town for D11’s school. I am pretty sure M wants to stay in his town and buy his moms house which is really nice. Do I take my child out of her school? I don’t know. I mean, it’s the town over, a great system, just not her current friends. But I do think we really need to talk about it. I know we will be a slow go. And I’m fine with that, there is no much to logistically workout.
I totally understand this. When my XH and I married, I owned my own home that I bought and paid for myself and I ended up giving that up and selling it because of the girls being in school and not wanting to move them, so it was a bit of a logistical nightmare. When he and I divorced, my main goal in life was to find a job in or near my hometown so I could finally move home. It took me 2 years after our divorce to do it, but I FINALLY, for the first time in my adult life got to move to within 10 minutes of my hometown and my family. Now, Sparky and I are having this same discussion because I don't want to move again, but in our situation, where we have to deal with his mom, the most logical and economic decision is for us to live in his house, which is 1) already paid for and 2) near his mom's so she can continue to live in her own house and not have to live WITH us. Him moving to where I live would mean her having to live in the same house with us because she has very little income and we could not afford to sustain 2 complete households. I love Sparky and want to be married, but a part of me is not overjoyed that I have to move away from my family. Granted, I will still be closer to them than I was for years (only about 35-40 minutes away vs. the nearly 2 hours that I was away before), but still......................
I agree with what kml said above. I think it is too soon to start having these conversations just yet about where you will live and the like. Our school systems are a bit different here in that most kids stay in the same school district for their entire school year (different buildings, but same school system). Like in the town I currently live in, which has a large school system, there are 2 primary schools (k-2) which feed into 2 elementaries (3-4). Those 2 elementaries feed into one middle school (5-6), one junior high (7-9) and one high school (10-12). So, maybe in your case, when D11 goes to high school IS the right transition time, but that is still a few years down the road.
I say this all the time, but you and I are so much alike. I crave that affirmation and sometimes I over-analyze things when I'm not getting it. It is something I have had to come to terms with all of that where Sparky is concerned because I think, from reading the things you say, M and Sparky have some similarities. Sparky is not at all touchy feely (though he has said before that he is...uh no!). I'm very touchy feely. We do get time together on weekends, but we rarely see each other during the week and it is not so much about Sparky's need to be alone as it is just about how our schedules are and our jobs and where we live in relation to each other. I say all that to say this: I understand your need for affirmation and your thought process in wanting to talk about these things, but at the same time, I worry that it might still be too early for that to occur just yet. I wonder if it might not scare him a bit and possibly cause him to pull back a little which would really mess with your head, even if you knew he still loved you and sees a future. I don't know if any of that makes sense, but the long and short of it is that he seems like a great guy and y'all love each other and right now, at least, you are happy where you are physically (he in his house, you in yours), so why muddy the waters when you don't have to?
G - The reason why I said that I could understand your desire to ask because I do believe you want to get married again. If you asked M tomorrow and he said "no" I have no desire to get married again would you continue to date him knowing and hoping he changes his mind or would that be a dealer breaker to you?
Do you feel it would cause you to cut bait because you both don't want the same things? Would it make you feel like you are wasting your time?
Also read a good article yesterday from the Wall Street Journal about more couples my age choosing to live apart. Sounds great to me!
BTW the article is called More Older Couples Stay together because they live apart
My Grandma met a guy and they did that. He lived the next street over and they would get together a couple of times a week for fun and companionship. It ended however according to her he was ladies man! Bahaaaaa
My neighbors mom is essentially doing the same thing as well. She has a male "friend" that they get together and do things together, take trips, etc. but they each have their own houses.
New Thread:
Still figuring things out