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Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 05/27/19 10:56 AM
Link to old:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2850587#Post2850587


I don't know why she feels the need to tell me things that are going on in her life, what she is up to, etc. The other day for example, I went into her place to drop the girls bags off and she started telling me about a project she was working on for school, what she was drawing. I just said something along the lines of.....oh that's nice and then said good bye to the girls and left. It's weird.

Last night the Dr and I went out for her birthday to this local Italian restaurant that has an awesome patio with a large grassy area that has a band on Friday nights in the summer. People not eating at the restaurant come with their lawn chairs and sit in the grassy area, drink and listen to the music. Well the doc and I had an outdoor table, got a bottle of wine and was just chillin and out of know where my XW's best friend sat in the grassy area like 10 ft from our table. I was like holy fuch this is fricken great! I told the dr who she was and thought to myself what should I do. I know her and when we were married we would all go out as couples. Turns out I ended up doing nothing and she never saw me. I thought if I walked up and said hi I would have to introduce the DR and I didn't want to make it look like I wanted it to get back to my XW. I also really didn't care either TBH.

We spent the day together, went out to brunch, took a little nap this afternoon and going out tonight to listen to some music and have a few cocktails. We did go to the gym together this morning and got our workouts in so all wasn't lost.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 05/27/19 11:53 AM
You're at the two year mark and I bet she is starting to miss you. Plus the honeymoon phase is over with the little dude and his flaws are probably starting to get annoying.

Or she's just trying to be friendly. Lol. Who knows.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 05/27/19 12:41 PM
Yeah...who knows. Even if she is getting tired of wee man she is still enjoying her freedom and being a 50% parent so it's all about her still.

The dr. mentioned me meeting her kid over the summer, asking me if I would join them at a water park during a week where I don't have my kids. I just said it sounded fun and meeting kids separately without the other kids around would be best. She still has not said the words yet but it doesn't bother me. I can tell she is getting there. I have my kids all week and will see her at the gym today and prob tomorrow but won't get to spend any time with her again until Sunday.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 05/27/19 11:44 PM
I think that was a considerate way to not push herself on to meeting your kids in case you are uncomfortable or worried about the well being of your children meeting a new woman too soon

Next time around, and for me personally, I might not wait super long to introduce son to a new boyfriend. I need to see how boyfriend interacts with him and reacts to my parenting choices (cause if he’s like the last guy I will know to end things quicker). I’m wondering if she wants to make sure you are ok with him before she fully emotionally invests?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 05/28/19 01:02 PM
Possibly.....after expressing myself to her though and showing some vulnerability the next moves are on her since she did not reciprocate. I am not mad she didn't however I don't want to push her and get her out of her comfort zone. So I am back to just hanging out and having fun while she can decide when she is ready to proceed further. The ball is firmly in her court.

We had a good weekend together, just relaxing, hitting the gym, and enjoying each others company. My girls ended up spending the night at a friends house last night so we saw each other yesterday evening as well. She did start to post pictures of us on her Facebook and Instagram feeds so I guess I have graduated to her feeling comfortable letting everyone know we are an item. I am not a big social media guy and I never post anything she told me I am the first guy she has ever posted pictures with. Things just seem to be progressing at a comfortable pace.

I am off all week taking my girls to my parents house for a few days. My youngest has her 8th birthday on Sunday so we will all do something together as a family. I got her a Hover board however I ended up giving it to her early so her and my oldest could ride together. I also got them a couple of those Beta fish. We already have a dog and have been asking for another pet so I thought this would be the easiest, least expensive option that doesn't require much care smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 05/28/19 05:35 PM
So, I am weird around social media. I had one guy I dated and when I posted a pic of us on vacation he freaked. He made me take it town. I later found out because he was friends with the woman he was interested in. They are now engages. I digress .

After that, I never posted pictures again on social media. I’m freaked. 9 months and we have a few selfies ( I also hate pictures) all initiated by him, actually. I mention him in posts, but neither of us believe in changing relationship statuses on FB.

She didn’t ask you to post pictures right? If I were to post one of us, I feel like I should ask first. Which is awkward.

So I guess you are okay with it?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 05/28/19 06:12 PM
No she didnt ask and I didn't care. In my opinion if we are bf and gf pictures are going to happen. Also since we are exclusive I dont care who knows and who sees. I don't know why people would have a problem with it unless they still wanted the r to be a secret.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 05/28/19 07:38 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
No she didnt ask and I didn't care. In my opinion if we are bf and gf pictures are going to happen. Also since we are exclusive I dont care who knows and who sees. I don't know why people would have a problem with it unless they still wanted the r to be a secret.


Totally agree! If you are exclusive, it shouldn't matter so much. If someone has a problem, to me, that comes across as them hiding something, whether they really are or not.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/03/19 01:11 PM
Had a great week of vacation last week now it is back to the grind. Saw the dr on Monday, Tuesday, Saturday and we went out last night. She did me last night that she loved me. Said she was fighting it in her head but knew it in her heart. That she was fighting the urge to self sabotage, etc. but that she knows she loves me. I just told her that I understood as I had been fighting my own fears and that we can continue at the same pace as their is no rush. I told her that I loved her as well and we continued on with out evenings.

While we were out I ran into an acquaintance that I hadn't seen in a few years that new me as the husband of my xw. I could tell he was looking at me weird as we were talking so I told him that my xw and I had got divorced a couple if years ago. I made the comments with the dr standing right there, I did introduce her to him but I felt very comfortable just saying we got divorced a couple of years ago with no need to go into a detailed explanation.

Anyway that felt really good to me.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/03/19 08:14 PM
This is great news J9 - I'm so glad that you are happy with your life and that the Dr is part of it.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/03/19 10:10 PM
Thanks A...I feel very grounded with it and very much in control of my emotions, centered. Our lives, patterns, lifestyles, etc. are so similar it has made things really easy. She is so sweet, loving, caring and brings out the best in me. She would also be an excellent role model for my girls. That said I am nervous, excited but I am a very lucky man.

It is a big change after being with someone like my XW for so many years who was a taker and very critical/controlling. In all fairness though this is not a 17 year relationship either and it should be this way early on. She is the polar opposite of my XW and while that is really awesome I have struggled with it as well. I read something that essentially said that you know when you are over your X when you are open to dating or being with someone that doesn't look/act like them or the same pattern will repeat. I am trying to break the cycle.

Obviously who knows what will happen in the future however I do see her in it. We still have not met each others kids yet, coordinating meeting some friends but no other discussions at this point. We are still getting to know each other as well in many ways although she has been who she said she was all along and she still has not waivered. It does feel like both of our guards are continuing to come down. It's not easy for either one of us to feel vulnerable and really let our emotions go there. I also think I am starting to see her for who she is really is.

That said I am just taking one day at a time. I will see her again tomorrow night and then we have the whole weekend to spend with each other.
Posted By: kml Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/04/19 12:39 AM
That's great! But WHEN are you going to start meeting each other's friends? That should happen soon.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/04/19 11:10 AM
We are going to meet some of my friends this Friday night. I have met her friends at her ranch and have a double date planned with one of her closest friends and her boyfriend the weekend of 6/29. Neither one of us have a very wide circle so it there not that many to meet.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/04/19 11:36 AM
I knew she loved you 😉

At 9 months We are still learning more and more about each other. Love styles, communication styles, our needs in the relationship, etc. just keep getting to know each other. No big major commitments need to be made yet. You are exclusive. You don’t need to get married anytime soon. No ones biological clock is ticking .

Enjoy it
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/04/19 01:43 PM
Thank G....I could feel it as well. It is scary and exciting, at times I do find myself looking forward at what potentially could be. We went to the gym together this morning and I will see her tonight. There have been no more I love you's exchanged since Sunday night. I do get the feeling that she has pulled back some, not in contacting me but with expressing her feelings. That's ok though I don't need to hear it every day or express it to her every day either. I think we are both sort of feeling each other out if that makes sense.

Obviously the next steps are meeting friends and meeting kids however I don't anticipate any issues. I do agree though one day at a time, slow and steady, there is no rush, just enjoy each others company.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/04/19 02:05 PM
Good for you!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/05/19 03:15 PM
Thanks D...…..saw the dr. last night for a couple of hours. Our normal mid-week get together and then I saw her briefly at the gym this morning.

We exchanged the words again last night, I could tell it is something she is still getting comfortable with. She told me she was scared of getting hurt again. I told her the same thing on my end so I understood. I am starting to see a more sensitive side to her, I am starting to see her walls come down, seeing that she is not as strong as what she leads on to believe. I think I really sensed it last night for the first time. We will see each other again on Friday night, I got us tickets to the Improv.

My XW was the type of person who would want me to drive but would then criticize how fast as I was going, or how close I was to another vehicle, etc. Sex to her was a means to the end, performing her womanly duties, no problems receiving pleasure but having a hard time giving it (wanting it to end quickly). She wanted time to herself, liked to sleep in, take naps, family vacations never happened because taking them didn't sound like fun to her since our kids were little. The Dr. and I got on this subject last night (as she was talking about her X) and I found myself struggling to think of one thing I actually missed about my XW outside of the idea it was my XW (and the mother of my children). I can't think of one memory that I enjoyed or something about my XW that I truly missed. The only thing I come back to is that she is the mother of my children. That seems really crazy after being with someone for 17 years.

Sometimes I wonder if I suffered years of abuse and I never knew it since I was in it. Do I really know, understand, and can appreciate what a normal relationship looks like with someone. What a partner is like who is a giver, not a taker that is not controlling, who is kind, loving, caring, sweet, and wants to spend time with you. When I tell my mom about the Dr. she gets all excited and tells me that I deserve someone that is nice to me.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/05/19 03:59 PM
It's like I told people after I decided that I was done with my own marriage. You never know you're living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine. Call it Stockholm Syndrome if you like perhaps wink

It doesn't take too much effort to remember good times with my ex but yes - for me as well it was pretty much all about her and her wants as well. At least that's my perception 3 years out.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/05/19 04:18 PM
I do often wonder though, we accuse our ex’s of rewriting history when they leave us, but do we rewrite history when we are dating someone new and experience something different?

Do we do the same they do?

Or did we really have miserable marriages?
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/05/19 04:23 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
It's like I told people after I decided that I was done with my own marriage. You never know you're living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine. Call it Stockholm Syndrome if you like perhaps wink

It doesn't take too much effort to remember good times with my ex but yes - for me as well it was pretty much all about her and her wants as well. At least that's my perception 3 years out.


I wonder if that is common for the LBS. When I read J9's post, I thought, yeah, I get it. I have few good memories of my XH. Sure, if I REALLY put some effort into it, I can think some happy times, but really, what stands out most is how it was all about his wants and needs and I didn't even realize it when I was living it. I didn't realize it because I am a giver. I have seen that quote before that says something about givers have to learn to set boundaries because takers never have any. So, so true! Even in BD and D, my XH, who was always the focus of anything going on, tried to blame a lot of crap on me that just wasn't the case.

Interesting to hear it from a man's perspective, from you and J9 both, but it really does make me wonder if this is just how it is for the LBS, regardless of gender.
Posted By: kml Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/05/19 04:24 PM
It is amazing what we can get used to and tolerate for the sake of our kids and our marriage vows.

Not that my ex was horrible - he wasn't, and I do have some good memories of certain times in our marriage. But almost every man I have dated since my divorce has made me feel more APPRECIATED than my ex did through much of our marriage. His OCD perfectionism spilled over onto how he viewed me, and even though I know he DID love me at least in certain parts of our marriage, his inability to be satisfied with how things were in his life (all aspects, even though he had a great life) also extended into our relationship.

I'm so glad you have met someone who seems to be kind and shares a similar lifestyle to you. Just take it easy and keep enjoying it.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/05/19 04:47 PM
Most of my happy memories pre-dates kids. The older she got the more selfish she got. Maybe she got overwhelmed with the kids and couldn't manage everything I don't know. I was and am a very involved father though so it wasn't like she was a stay at home mom or a single mother working trying to provide. I did just as much as she did so who knows.

Thanks K....so far so good. Just taking 1 day at a time and I am realizing that having similar lifestyles is crucial.
Posted By: neffer Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/05/19 05:36 PM
Reality is reality J9. Feelings are what you actually feel. It´s so nice to read your actual posts. Keep writing them!

And you are only keeping the positive mind reading. There´s evolution there!

;-)

Enjoy J9, enjoy.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/07/19 12:32 PM
Thanks nef.....I think I am getting better with that. Just enjoying and making a conscious effort to do so.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/10/19 03:01 PM
Had a good weekend with the Dr. She got a little tipsy on Saturday night but it was all good. I told my daughters yesterday that I had a girlfriend. They asked me to show them a picture, my oldest asked me if we met online, my youngest asked if we were getting married, my oldest asked if she had any kids, and they both said "cool". No kid introductions have happened or have been planned at this time. I am going to send my xw an email just to let her know in case the girls mention something to her about me having a girlfriend. I would rather her hear from me than them it is out of courtesy.

Not much else to report. I will see her again on Thursday and then Saturday night. I feel very comfortable around her, no anxiety, no stress (outside of what I place on myself), I don't question her feelings or her intentions. She has been as advertised since day 1. In many ways I know we are still getting to know each other (she is kind of quirky and a little eccentric) but at times it feels like we have been together for years. There is just a comfort level between us. She told me on Saturday that she feels like I just "get" and understand her. Truthfully I don't know that I do (yet) I just sit, listen, and soak it all in, validate and don't pass judgement.

That said I do find myself being a little nervous as things advance between us and more people find out especially now that she has started posting on SM and tagging me in posts. I know it's part of the process but I find that a little nerve racking. I think part of it has to do with my xw and hoping that this doesn't ruin a very cordial and amicable co-parenting relationship. I have buddies who had their xw's go off the rails once they found out there was a girlfriend in the picture. I think I am also nervous for my girls as well. Daddy has never had a girlfriend before so I hope it doesn't impact them in a negative way. I think they will be ok as they have been around their mom's BF so it shouldn't be that big of a deal to them.

I still go to the gym and do my thing daily, I have my girls this week and they are in summer camp. My youngest is playing bball this summer and my oldest volleyball. We went boating on the lake yesterday, got some rays, had a few adult beverages then had dinner at the Marina. I got sunburned, might be slightly hung over but I still made it to the gym! I do look forward to including the Dr and her son in on these activities.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/10/19 03:35 PM
Did you guys meet friends this weekend?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/10/19 03:46 PM
The party was with her friends on Saturday so I met a couple more of hers. Due to timing she didn't meet mine however when we were driving out to her ranch my good friends called so they chatted for a minute in the car. This Saturday they will be meeting in person.
Posted By: Maika Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/10/19 07:07 PM
I hope your exW doesn't flip a lid. She's had a bf for over a year now right? So, she's allowed to do that and you're supposed to become a monk? If she flips the lid, i'd be tempted to laugh in her face. It doesn't make sense that she'd react poorly to it. But hey, BD and all of that didn't make sense either so this could very well happen.

I am more concerned about how your girls will react. They've not had to share you with anyone else so far, and now they will. We as adults know this is different, but kids don't see it that way. Your girls might see it as someone new that their dad is sharing love and affection with, whereas in the past it was only reserved for them. You might want to keep that in mind. Kids might not be able to articulate it that way, but they could get jealous or feel like they're not the priority now to you.

This is the main thing that I am going to have to figure out when I have a gf that I introduce to the kids. They will need to understand that the new person is not taking any love and affection away from them.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/10/19 07:27 PM
Like Maika said, hopefully your XW won't flip out since she's had a bf for awhile. I just don't understand that. I mean, I'll admit, I initially got upset when I found out my XH had a girlfriend, but I was upset not that he had someone, but that he'd already started seeing her while we were still married and he'd lied to me on several occasions about her existence. But, he's her problem now, bless her. LOL

I'm glad you told your girls. Kids are intuitive, even when they are young and I'm sure they see that their dad is happy and that makes for happy kids. Sounds like everything is going really well.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/10/19 07:31 PM
Hey M.....my mom said the same thing. Essentially she has no right to get mad....she wanted the D, wanted to move out, wanted to date, found herself a boyfriend, and she gets mad at you????? I certainly hope that is not the case.

I think what I am most sensitive to in this situation should the Dr. and I progress is the fact that she has her kid 95% of the time so I would essentially be full time parent to her son and only getting my daughters 50% of the time and how they would feel knowing I am with some other kid more than them.

That is very concerning for me but it is for another time.
Posted By: Maika Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/10/19 07:42 PM
oohh! Yeah. I didn't know that was the timesplit with the Dr and her ex with their son. I can see that being a sensitive issue with the girls - maybe a bit more so when they're older. I know your girls are the same ages as my kids and I think you have some time to get them to a place of stability and acceptance with that. But I think take the challenges you may have now with the girls and the Dr, rather than borrowing problems from the future. I don't think you can completely avoid it, but maybe you can mitigate it.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/10/19 08:40 PM
When I told them she had a son and his age they giggled. They have also not seen me be affectionate towards any woman since their mom left over 2 years ago so I do suppose they will be observing. I think it will be a little weird for me initially as well and I assume the same for the Dr. as her son is in the same boat. It will definitely be a feeling out period for the both of us.

In many ways though my XW has absorbed the burden of most of it since she introduced her BF to them over a year ago. They should be used to it by now since they have spent time with them.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 03:00 AM
I just have to say... your daughters sound so cute!!! What direct and very valid questions!

I think a lot of little kids will always want their parents to get back together. Divorce is just so disruptive to their lives my heart goes out to them. But at the same time, the little ones seem to love the chance to show off for a new person. My son has actually said to me I’m these exact words “mommy, you deserve to be loved. You’re a really good person” I have no idea where he got that from.

When I was dating ex bf, I only introduced him as a friend and that was something my son understood. But he’s also a bit immature socially.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 09:51 AM
They are really good little girls, they are kind, funny, and not little a__holes.

I think for a while I carried the burden of being the one to put our family back together. That the hopes of that happening for my daughters all resided on me. I think in some ways that way of thinking has prevented me from completely moving forward. I know that is not fair to me but it's true. That feeling is not as strong as it used to be but it still lingers some. It is rearing its head a little bit as I continue moving forward with the Dr.

My XW never responded to my email yesterday advising her of my dating status with the DR. Again I informed her out of courtesy in case my daughters mentioned something to her. She did text me yesterday acknowledging she saw something that came through on my dating status but she wasnt sure if it was a text or email so I had to tell her what email address I used. I thought it was kind of weird but whatever. She never responded so I guess she has no questions.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 10:35 AM
The most my ex ever said was “OK”. One time in the beginning he thought I was dating some guy ( which I wasn’t) my daughter brought up. He did get mad. But he was actually the maintenance guy in my apartment complex ( my D “loved” everyone at the age of 3)

My daughter has no problem for me dating. She loves it. They do just want to see you happy and a new person is actually exciting to them

Just a warning no one gave me. Little girls to turn into little A-holes when they hit the 6th grade. I was not prepared. You got some time.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 11:54 AM
Ha...yeah they seemed pretty excited. They even asked if she had a 2 story house.

I didnt really no what to expect with the xw. It still baffles me that someone that I shared 17 years with doesnt seem to give a crap but I suppose I'll never understand why she feels the way she does towards me. I guess I would rather have no response than some scathing, nasty email. I have stayed out of her business and have never pryed, made disparaging comments, etc. So hopefully she will do the same.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 12:20 PM
Me and my ex do not share that type of info with each other. I would not have told ex, because I do not want him knowing anything about my life. He is basically cut out from me - He finds little tidbits about my life through my son - births, deaths but not through me. I treat him as a paycheck and someone I’m forced to ask for permission from when i want to take son on a vacation. I would not want him to think im telling him about a bf because I want him to feel jealous. I think he would think that and I don’t want to give him anything.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 12:44 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
My daughter has no problem for me dating. She loves it. They do just want to see you happy and a new person is actually exciting to them

Just a warning no one gave me. Little girls to turn into little A-holes when they hit the 6th grade. I was not prepared. You got some time.


I totally agree with G. Your kids, no matter how young, want you to be happy. When you are happy, they are happy. So, yes, there might be some bumps in the road as you navigate bringing everyone together, but those bumps will be outweighed by the love your daughters have for you and them seeing you genuinely happy. And, if I recall correctly, the Dr's son is younger than both of your daughters, so Lord help that boy but they are going to probably mother hen him to death (in a good way). I bet it will be super cute.

Oh and I agree with G on another thing too......little girls DO turn into A-holes. But, y'all can all rest assured that once they are past the sullen and insolent teen years and grow into actual adults, it really gets better. They become human again somewhere in their early 20s. wink I've lived through all that and more importantly, all my daughters have too. LOL
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 12:52 PM
Well my youngest is already kind of an a hole at times so maybe the reverse will happen with her.

The main reason I told my xw was to hopefully open up the lines of communication between us if she had questions. I know she doesnt care but I also thought as their mom she should know that they will be meeting soon. She extended me that courtesy when it came to her bf so I felt it was right to do the same.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 01:16 PM
J9 - We can't help but wonder / be worried about how an ex will respond. What I keep trying to remind myself is that their reaction changes nothing and isn't one worth responding to or worrying about. I'm not doing too well on that. For 90+% of us here, it was them and their actions that deliberately ended the marriage and if they're not happy about the results - well that's just too bad.
Posted By: Holding Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 03:47 PM
J9, I'm happy to hear the Dr. has reciprocated your feelings!

What kind of response were you hoping for from your XW about your dating status? I'm personally with JuJuB in the "that's none of their business" camp. Maybe it hit her hard. Maybe she looked at it and laughed. Maybe she doesn't care. You felt telling her was the right thing to do, you've done it, and now it's time to continue kicking @ss!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 05:58 PM
I guess at minimum just acknowledging that I was trying to communicate so my daughters didn't surprise her. I don't expect her to care but being appreciative of letting her know so she wasn't caught off guard if my daughters said something.
Posted By: Maika Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 06:12 PM
The level of reciprocation in communication is so unbalanced with me and my W it's not even funny. I have no idea why she can't even send an acknowledgment for a message that I have sent - esp when it's regards to the kids. I sense your W is also at the same level. Maybe it's indifference, anger, meh etc. I have given up any expectations from her and you should too. Yes, it's kinda bizarre and for them to want to have a civil relationships, their actions are not aligned with that sentiment.

At this point, you did your part. Now let it go and live your life.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 06:18 PM
Well the XW just responded to my email said thanks for letting her know and asked if she had kids. That's all I was looking for.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 07:31 PM
See, you got what you want. But you are probably going to get more than you want and she’s going to ask some questions!!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/11/19 08:10 PM
Yeah, maybe but I am ok with it. She just needs to remember though that I did not pry into her personal life or pepper her with questions about her BF. I told her that I trusted she would not bring someone into our daughters lives that would not be a positive influence.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/12/19 04:24 PM
Well the Dr and I are going to meet each other's kids on Saturday. That would make it a little over 5 months. I know it's not 6 months but the Dr. has never waivered from who she has been then entire time so I feel very comfortable with it. Outside of a magic number of 6 months I am not sure what another 3 weeks or so is going to tell me about her. Granted we have not had an argument yet but I am not going to put everything on hold until that happens. Her and I have just been very easy. No drama, no one circulating in the background, no tracking who texts who first, or who initiates what, it's just been very easy.

I am a little nervous for my girls just because they have never seen me with anyone other than their mother. However they have been around their mom's BF, I assume have seen them kiss, touch, hold hands, etc. so they will be ok. I am little nervous for myself as well just meeting her son, what that means, etc. No one has ever met her son before so I feel some pressure for that reason.

It will also be interesting to see her in mom mode. Sometimes it is hard to believe that has another life that I have never seen before. It's hard for me to picture that side of her when all I see are the week night get togethers or date nights on Saturday night.

It's just all kind of crazy.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/12/19 05:04 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Yeah, maybe but I am ok with it. She just needs to remember though that I did not pry into her personal life or pepper her with questions about her BF. I told her that I trusted she would not bring someone into our daughters lives that would not be a positive influence.


Ok, so you wanted her to say something but now you don't want her to say too much? I'm confused. LOL But then again what is new? I would think (or maybe I should say hope) that both of you want what is best for your kids and you are going to trust the other's judgment in making that happen moving forward. I don't see a reason for either of you to be asking a whole lot of questions or delving into the other's personal relationships unless something comes up that is detrimental to the kids and needs to be addressed. I think it confuses me why you and Andrew and some others seem so intent on worrying about what XW thinks or feels or says or whatever. But then again, my situation was different and our kids were adults and when my XH walked away there was no reason for further communication so I guess my experience is just different from yours. I must say, I got lucky with mine.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Well the Dr and I are going to meet each other's kids on Saturday. That would make it a little over 5 months. I know it's not 6 months but the Dr. has never waivered from who she has been then entire time so I feel very comfortable with it. Outside of a magic number of 6 months I am not sure what another 3 weeks or so is going to tell me about her. Granted we have not had an argument yet but I am not going to put everything on hold until that happens. Her and I have just been very easy. No drama, no one circulating in the background, no tracking who texts who first, or who initiates what, it's just been very easy.


While I understand why people were saying wait a minimum of 6 months, but I don't think that is a "magic number". As I say ALL the time, you have to do what works for you. If you are ready and she is ready, then proceed. Y'all know each other and your kids better than any of us, so 6 months is really just a suggestion, not something set in stone or proven through any actual research. Again, I understand why people said that, but my point is, you have to listen to advice but temper it with what works best for you, knowing all the ins and outs of the situation. I think it is great you are meeting kids. I understand the pressure both ways and hopefully y'all will navigate that ok. In some ways, that seems to make it somewhat more real, too, I would think, because that is the one part of your lives you haven't shared yet. Good luck with it all. I hope everyone gets along well.
Posted By: kml Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/12/19 05:25 PM
The reason for 6 months as a minimum is just to have enough time together to get a pretty good idea that you are going to be together for a LONG time. Your kids don't need to "date" your dates - too much loss for them when those relationships break up. Sounds like you are feeling pretty positive about this relationship and I agree, 3 weeks probably doesn't make much difference in your situation.

What I WOULDN'T do is jump right in to being the Brady Bunch. Take it slow. You don't have to go from first kids' meeting to spending every weekend together with kids. Meeting the kids will give you the chance to see how each other are as parents and a heads up if her kid is a monster of some kind. But I would still keep kid interactions at a slow pace after this for a while.

Also, cool it on the PDA at first. I was 15 when my mother first started dating after my father's sudden death from a heart attack a year earlier. It was still VERY WEIRD to see my mom with another man.
Posted By: neffer Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/12/19 05:41 PM
Relax dear brother. Everything is going to be fine. Enjoy your present. Be proud of your girls, be proud of who you are J9.

So relax. And stop the mind reading!!! ;-)
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/12/19 06:17 PM
D - I am totally fine with her not asking questions. All I wanted was for her to acknowledge that I did it out of respect for her as their mother. I trusted her and she knows she can trust me.

K - we actually spoke about the PDA and both agreed we needed to lay off. I don't want to immediately be the Brady bunch either but it will be nice to have a little more freedom. I have absolutely have no questions about her character, integrity, mental stability etc. She is a really good woman.

N - LOL....I know it will be fine that is why it is kind of scary smile Deep breaths!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/14/19 12:54 PM
What are you guys doing ? I’m sure it will go great. Leading up to it is nerve wracking, but it’s relieving when it happens.

Granted the times we have our kids are different than yours, we built up to doing more things together. We didn’t start out to heavy. We probably average about once a week kid stuff. Which is a good balance.

Have fun!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/14/19 01:46 PM
We are going to this place called Pinstacks….essentially like a Dave and Busters but for kids. I can tell she is ready to get this ball rolling!!

Saw the XW at my oldest volleyball game last and let her know that the girls would be meeting the DR and her son. She was very supportive, asked what she did, where she lived, etc. I had no problems answering her questions. She started to talk a little more about her BF and the girls as well. She told me that my youngest tells him that her daddy has big muscles. I don't know if she is being protective of me in her little mind, maybe she is comparing, I don't know but I thought it was interesting. I did tell my youngest that it was ok and she just laughed. Maybe they are processing everything in their own way in their little minds. They seem really happy though so hopefully it's not a big deal.

Saw the Dr. last night for week night get together, will see her tonight for date night and then again on Saturday for our kid activities. Sunday is Father's Day so I will be out on the lake with friends and the girls. I asked the XW if I could keep the girls longer on Sunday and she had no problems with it.

I have noticed we are spending more and more time together. I feel more relief knowing that she is going to meet my kids and friends this weekend. Not sure why but now that my kids know, my XW knows and my friends know It doesn't feel like I am sneaking around. It's kind of hard to describe.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/14/19 02:08 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
We are going to this place called Pinstacks….essentially like a Dave and Busters but for kids. I can tell she is ready to get this ball rolling!!
The Mighty Huntress laugh

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I feel more relief knowing that she is going to meet my kids and friends this weekend. Not sure why but now that my kids know, my XW knows and my friends know It doesn't feel like I am sneaking around. It's kind of hard to describe.
Yep - I'm familiar with that myself even though my circumstances are rather different.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/15/19 05:13 PM
Ahhhh yes the huntress. Well i think the huntress might be thinking about marriage as well after conversations that came up last night.

She finally met some of my friends last night. I don't have a wide circle but these friends are an older couple (my parents age) and have known me, my XW and daughters since our oldest was born. My parents don't live close so over the years they have become like parents and grand parents to my daughters. We went out to their house, had a couple of drinks and sat on their back porch and just chatted. I thought things went really well. The Dr. is very opinionated and independent not judging with her opinions but doesn't filter for the sake of blending in or concerned about what someone thinks. So there were a couple of things that came up in conversation that I know isn't of popular opinion with my friends (religion for example) but since she doesn't know them wouldn't have put a filter on even if she wanted to. I hope that makes sense. When she first arrived they shook hands but when we left they gave hugs so I think it all went well. TBH I don't think my stand in mom would like anyone unless they agreed with everything she said and could be controlled but I digress smile

So after that we went out and had a good night but in the middle of the night the Dr. got food poisoning or caught a bug. I wasn't aware as she went and slept on the couch but when I woke up I found out. She said she went to the couch so I could sleep. I asked her if there was anything I could do or run to the store for her but she said "no". Since I knew she had been up most of the night I left earlier than normal so she could get some rest. I checked in on her later and she said she got sick 4 more times after I left. She promised her son she would take him to the water park today so she sucked it up and took him.

Kid meeting tonight at 5. I am not nervous at all and am really looking forward to it.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 12:37 PM
Kid intros happened, it was really no big deal. Although pulling up to the place I was nervous and it felt a little like a first date. It was a little awkward at first as we tried to get our bearings but it all worked out fine. I don't know that the kids really played together though which I guess is to be expected. Her kid is used to running around and doing his own thing while my girls are used to playing with each other. They did do a couple of activities together though and dinner was nice as well all sat there and chatted so overall I think it went well. The Dr. was not feeling well so she was not her normal self. She was still recovering from food poisoning and had been at the water park for 4 hours that day as well.

My girls told me she was nice and very pretty pretty. We pretty much laid off on all PDA outside of some hand holding here and there and maybe a few kisses but that was it. The kids seemed oblivious to it as well. So I guess that's it. We are certainly not going to become instant family but it does give us some more flexibility to start incorporating the kids into our plans so we would see each other more.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 01:25 PM
Sounds like it went good.
The kid meetings are nerve wracking for us, them, it’s a play date.

What did you think about her son?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 01:45 PM
Very talkative and happy little boy. You can tell he is an only kid though just with how he acts. I could tell he used to the world revolving around him. Not that it was a bad thing but you could tell he was used to getting his way or trying to control the situation. I noticed it with his mom and not anything towards my girls. I think he could benefit from playing with other kids which he doesn't get a lot of time doing unless he is at school. The Dr. openly admits she hasn't expanded his social circles and most of his time is spent around adults.

That said he didn't seem like a little a-hole, he is not into sports, he does cub-scouts, can speak Spanish and is very cute and smart.

I also noticed that the dr. is very sensitive to his schedule, any bug bite he gets, he only likes certain types of food, etc. A little annoying as I don't if it has to do with him being an only kid and being caudled or that is who he is and since she is a DR. is overly critical about anything that impacts him or her.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 04:38 PM
Dr’s Son sounds similar to mine (except We are not as rigid regarding schedules, food etc). My son is tough cause he lacks social maturity and needs tons of attention. If her ex was not very involved - they might have a relationship where she treats him like a partner instead of a child (for example - where would you like to go out to eat, what should we do this weekend, etc) and then they do end up trying to control the situation. I notice this dynamic with my son. Its basically only been the 2 of them. My sons got so much energy but is not into sports and i bets it’s cause dad has limited role. They had no male figure to follow. I love playing sports but my son has no desire to model after me. Probably would be more inclined to model after a male role model.

These little boys crave father figure interaction and playing. My son worships my brother who gets “boy silly” with him so I bet you could offer him a lot.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 04:39 PM
Also Happy Fathers Day!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 04:51 PM
I agree with juju. When you have pretty much a solo parent, the dynamic could be much different. Having an only child with and it pretty much being the two of us, we have the dynamic where we bounce things off of each other and she gets the bulk of my attention. Plus, there is an element of feeling like you need to keep everything u set control because it all falls on you.

My daughter has food sensory issues. She sticks to what she likes, won’t try anything new and certain things can’t touch or be cooked differently than what she’s used to. My daughter is also not into sports. I like to watch hockey, and I like to go to the gym, and she will usually follow what I do and she is excited soon she will be able to join me in the gym.

I am far from rigid with schedules, and I will tell you as a medical professional myself, we actually don’t seek medical attention unless a Limb is falling off.

The dynamic is by far different when it’s just a parent and child. Adults always say when they talk to my daughter, it’s like talking to a 30 year old.

It’s going to be different from what you know, for sure. But different is bad.

Happy Father’s Day!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 08:41 PM
Thanks guys....we just went out on the lake with them for about 3 hours and it was really eye opening. Her kid talks non-stop, he is a happy kid but laughs and giggles non-stop. Always needing someone's attention, pushing boundaries, not listening at times to his mom, came up and squeezed her boobs. Its tough but seeing him in action was kind of a turn off. Pulling his mom's hair, calling her a ugly boy. He wasn't aggressive, angry, hitting people etc. but he wanted to do what he wanted to do. His mom needs to put a foot in his azz so needless to say he needs a male role model.

I had to correct him a couple of times and once I had to get a little stern. There is a big floating raft that we tie up to the boat so the kids can play but he kept on un-tieing it so it was drifting away. After about the third time of telling him not to untie it I had to raise my voice a little.

So I get the sense she probably struggles with disciplining him and being a single parent. I mean the kid would not stop talking. It got to the point to where it was kind of overshadowing my daughters a little bit. I felt like they were shutting down some because he was so domineering the conversation, games they were playing, etc.

I know my girls are not perfect and my youngest has her moments with being a little moody but they mind and listen to me. They may challenge me a little bit but not to the extent to where they would purposely do something that I told them not too.

So I just kept my mouth shut, tried to be positive and not let it bother me but man I so wanted that kid to be quiet. The Dr, says he has been that way since he was born and doesn't want to tell him to be quiet or stifle who he is. Maybe he is normal and I am not just used to him. Maybe I am lucky with really good girls or they are just as talkative but I don't notice it. Maybe since it was all new to him being on a boat he was just extra excited. IDK but it just seems a little much.
Posted By: DonH Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 08:59 PM
So both families just met for the first time last night - correct? You said we are not going to try to put together a Brady Bunch happy family right away - yet 12 hours later you are all out on the boat together? That was not your plan even a few days ago? What changed here so fast?

As to what went on after pushing forward with back to back outings right after the first meet, I tend to agree with you based on what you have written. It sounds like he gets away with a lot and is used to it. Sadly it's not going to end well if you try to change it - even if it's the right thing to do. See THIS is why you should have gone a bit slower. He may also not be happy about having to share his mom two days in a row - he's a little boy - they do that.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 09:12 PM
Sooooo, when he kept untying the rope, you had to say something 3 times, but his mom didn’t say a thing?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 09:17 PM
I also agree with the slowing down. 2 days in a row when you first meet is ALOT for these little kids. When we all met, it was one day, then a few hours 2 weeks later, then we went away for a night. We gradually increase it, and sometimes it’s just me, him, and his son, or me, him and my daughter. Not both of the kids all the time. So they both feel kind of special. Her little boy is used to having mommy all to himself and now all of a sudden he’s sharing mommy with a new guy and 2 kids. It’s overwhelming .
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 09:24 PM
Yeah that's my fault for inviting them. We were going out on the boat today and I thought her son would have fun so that's what changed. Its definitely a different dynamic with the kids around and one I am not used to. The good thing is that we wont have the potential to get together again for two weeks so there will be a good break. This means I can go slower moving forward.

I definitely know it's not my place to say a word which wont be hard for me but the kid needs some discipline. Maybe it is social immaturity but it was kind of a turn off. I can tell she needs help which is why I think I am so appealing to her. I spoke to my mom and she just told me to be patient and introducing kids is not easy.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/16/19 09:37 PM
She said something but then she was talking to other adults and I was the one in the water so it fell on me the last time it happened.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 01:26 AM
“I can tell she needs help” ....

Just be careful with that line of thinking.

You are describing my son. Boys are really different then girls. I look at the other girls and think, how easy. My parenting life would be a piece of cake. It’s not always a discipline thing either. Google adhd and non stop talking. It’s exhausting and my friends have told me that if they had to parent my son they would stick their fingers in an electric socket. My mom had 3 kids and she said that was easier then watching my son. (She also taught elementary). I get so deeply depressed when he is home from school after 3 days because the intensity is too much. Work is 100x easier then being home.

It’s not necessarily the parenting or discipline. With kids like that, you developed a whole new threshold. You don’t even see the little behaviors anymore. Like one day he was crawling on the floors and I let him because at least it wasn’t on the couches in the waiting room. You can’t yell all the time and a lot of their behavior is based on impulsivity and consequences don’t work and they adapt to stern voices. I know I have to save my yelling for something really bad. (Releasing ropes on the boat is pretty bad)

In fact a kid like that is often the cause of strain to a marriage. Usually one parent can’t cope and the others resents them because of lack of help. Please google and read up on what parents of kids with adhd deal with. The assumption that someone else can do better is really offensive. I can honestly tell you my son would have been abused (and a lot of these kids are) with a different parent because he gets really annoying.

Instead, try asking her questions.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 01:33 AM
Also, I think kids sense something is different in their moms and they act out too for the attention. And because they know theyve got mom in a position where she doesn’t want to yell.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 01:55 AM
I know your right. It was just so overwhelming, he was non stop. Again not in a mean or angry way just with talking, laughing, giggling and always having to do something. I asked her if he had problems in school with talking and she said no, no behavior issues at school. If he has ADHD then he is not on anything for it but maybe he could take meds and she just doesn't want him to. Sounds like the only time she gets peace and quiet is when she puts head phones on him and he watches his iPad.

I think it was overwhelming to my daughters as well. On our ride home he was putting some squishy toy in his mouth, laughing and then showing my girls. At one point my youngest looked at me with this wierd look on her face like WTF. I spoke with my mom about it and she suggested that maybe he was just overly excited with new experiences, give the little guy a chance and also think about what it must be like for him not having a father in his life.

I am a patient person so I get it but I am also used to girls as well so maybe that has something to do with it as well.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 12:13 PM
My son is like that too. It is absolutely exhausting. He’s not mean spirited in any way. I know that the guy that I end up with will have to be really really patient and understanding of kids.

They are talkative and some boys can be really impulsive. They do the stupidest things. My son is not gonna sit nicely and do an art project. If you give them rough and tumble type of interaction - chase after them, give them rides, wrestle them to the ground - hide and scare them - it distracts them and they just love the attentions.

They are eager to please and you will get more with positive reinforcement. Noticing and making a big deal about how quiet he is being or how nicely he is reading a book by himself.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 12:46 PM
Thanks for that I could see him loving that type of interaction. I noticed he always has to be the one coming up with new games to play, new stories, etc. At one point I did in hook the raft and I pushed the kids like 50 yards away from the boat and he loved it. My girls were with so they enjoyed it as well. It makes sense with what you said.

I just need to process he is really a cute little, happy boy and not mean spirited at all. I also need to figure out how my girls get included so he doesnt get all the attention based on his little personality. If this continues I will be spending more time with him than my daughters.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 01:29 PM
I think you need a day where you spend with just her son, and a day you guys spend with just your girls

She seems to want a father figure for discipline. How do you feel about that?
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 01:50 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
She seems to want a father figure for discipline. How do you feel about that?
DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 01:53 PM
That's a good idea G. He is the type to dominate conversations and I found myself interacting with him more than she did my girls. I guess part of that reason is because he is a non stop chatterbox and also because my girls were in a comfortable setting where they knew everyone. They didnt have to ask her for anything like he did of me since I was the one kind of over seeing the kids. It was her time of the month and she had been battling food poisoning from the night before so she was pretty quiet the entire time just sitting on the boat talking with adults that she has just met for the first time.

I'm ok being a father figure I kind of figured that I would end up with a woman who had primary custody since that is generally the norm. I guess thinking that and it being right in front of my face are 2 different stories. We chatted last night and she texted this morning so I haven't pulled back but it's a lot to process.

I also spoke to my dad for 2 hrs last night and my mom has called me several times so that has helped.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 02:06 PM
Both my parents just told me to think about how excited he probably was being on a boat for the first time, playing and interacting with other kids. The dr has openly told me that she has not done a good job getting him out and socializing him with other kids other than what he gets at school. The dr herself is not this openly outgoing person, with a wide circle of friends and people she just chats it up with. Her conversations have a purpose and it's not generally small talk just to talk.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 02:08 PM
When my older nephew was young, he as much like the Dr's son. He NEVER stopped talking. He was a very sweet and loving little boy, but OMG, he NEVER shut up. And, 99% of the stuff he talked about was dinosaurs because he was obsessed with them. He was never mean, rude, always listened, and was actually incredibly smart for his age, but oh my.

Having never raised any kids, it makes me wonder if part of it is not just the difference in boys and girls. Boys tend to be much more confident at a much younger age. It seems like he does have a tendency to test boundaries and I agree with G, that the Dr seems to want a father figure to help with discipline, which is kind of a double-edged sword. If you all do continue forward, I'm sure you will have discussions about boundaries and how to handle each other's children, but it may be harder to navigate on the front end when you really aren't in a position to have any say.

I think what stuck out to me most or what would put me on edge most if I were in your situation is something you said in passing about how the dr doesn't really correct him because she doesn't want to "stifle his creativity". (I'm paraphrasing here, so forgive me if I didn't say it exactly like you did.) Having worked with children of all ages for most of my adult life, I have found, in my experience, that it is usually the parents who say stuff like that who have the kids who are hardest to deal with. I am ALL FOR kids being creative and having an imagination and playing and all of that because it is part of how they learn and grow and interact, but many parents use that as an excuse to not really parent and that is not good for anyone. Children need rules, boundaries, guidance, structure and not giving those things because it stifles creativity can lead to a kid developing a pretty good sense of being a jerk. Not saying the dr's son is, mind you, because you have described as a nice, happy kid, but he will be a teenager at some point and while his some of his behavior might be cute now, it won't be so cute when he's 15. One can correct a child without stifling them.

Something else you said, though, makes me wonder if how the kid is maybe more of a product of not being overly socialized. You talked about the structure the dr has for him and that he doesn't have a lot of socializing time with anyone but the dr, outside of school. Little kids need rule and discipline, but they also need interaction with others so that they learn how to work and play well with others. Maybe you and your girls can be helpful in that because you give him other people to interact with and he can learn how to better handle himself and dealing with others.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 02:18 PM
D....my dad told me that I would have so much to give to her and her son. He told me he is at the age to where he needs a strong Male role model in his life and how it would be challenging but also that I could do it. He actually made me tear up when he told me that. My mom essentially says the same thing but to be patient and take 1 day at a time. I have told them both about what a good person she is so they want me to be patient. I guess it was just a lot to take in and I feel slightly overwhelmed.

I did discuss the discipline peace with my mom and her and I are both on the same page with staying out of it until the time comes. Truth be told the dr is probably tired at times trying to raise him. She takes him to school every morning, and due to her schedule only gets about an hour in the evenings with him at most. She has a nanny that picks him up from school every day, gives him dinner, homework, baths, etc. So essentially the dr just has to out him to bed.
Posted By: kml Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 07:49 PM
Quote
His mom needs to put a foot in his azz so needless to say he needs a male role model.


I'd be REALLY careful about making assumptions like this. As Andrew said "DANGER WILL ROBINSON"!

There are a few possibilities here and right now you have no idea which assessment is correct, so hold back and observe and learn.

Is mom a total pushover because she doesn't have time for her child and makes up for it by not establishing boundaries? That's certainly possible but not necessarily the most likely option.

Does the son have undiagnosed or untreated ADHD? A distinct possibility from your description, although it's also possible he was just over-excited and a bit nervous

Could the son have Asperger's? Somewhat more of a risk with highly intelligent parents, think absent-minded professor type. They don't read social cues so might go on and on about something like dinosaurs or Star Trek and might do odd things to get a reaction from people because they lack the social skills to interact properly.

Is the kid just starved for attention? No dad time, little mom time, what's the nanny like? No playdates with friends from school it sounds like.

Or is it just a case of laissez faire parenting? Some parents have a philosophical parenting style (we used to call our friends' kids "feral children" ) of just not intervening much. It may or may not lead to issues down the line. (Our friends feral children grew up just fine actually). If she is entrenched in a philosophy like that it could be a problem as it is so different from your own parenting style.

Wait and watch.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 08:13 PM
I didn't say a word to her about any of it. I just asked the question about whether or not he gets in trouble at school for talking. I come here to vent at times but I am a very diplomatic person and would never say anything to her.

She is not a total pushover, she tried to correct him and pulled him aside at times but he didn't seem to listen to her and really even me until he was told 3 or 4 times. She would say "no" and he kept asking and pushing to get his way. I eventually had to get a little stern with him about unhooking the raft. It got his attention rather quickly. I tried to explain that the kids needed to stay close to the boat for safety reason but he kept on wanting to unhook it to go explore. It just wasn't safe. The Dr. was on the boat talking to people so she wasn't aware.

My parents think he was over excited, the Dr. says he does this all the time. He might have ADHD but she has never told me that and I would never ask her either. She said he has always been this way, since he was old enough to talk.

I am sure some times she is wore out since she has him 90% of the time. She took him to a water park on Saturday by himself, just her and him so I know she cares. She is a really good person. It could have something to do with lack of socialization with other kids outside of school. The kid has not had a sleepover yet and it doesn't sound like he has many play dates either. He does do cub scouts, his dad did take him on a weekend camping trip last month so he obviously interacted with other kids there.

I think the nanny has been around for a while. The Dr. comments that she is judge mental of the way she parents. Obviously I have only seen her in action twice for limited periods. I didn't get the sense she wanted to hover over him either. He wakes up every morning at 6 am, the Dr. tells him he can't come downstairs until 615. She gets him to school by 7:15 every morning so she can go to her office and get things squared away for the day. She gets home at 6:30 every night...her office closes at 5:30 then she goes to the gym for 45 min after work. Then he is asleep by 7:30 so their time is limited. The Dr's mom does live close so he will go spend the night with Grandma every other week especially on the nights we go out. So it very well could be wanting attention.

The Dr. texted me last night and told me he was asking when he was going to see my girls again so I assume he had fun! He asked me quite a few questions, so I get in the water with the kids, helped him get a few toys squared away, he wanted to play and be involved with everything. Since his mom didn't know everyone or had been on the boat herself before it all fell on me to help get the activities squared away. He had no problems asking me either. She kind of just turned him loose, checked on him a couple of times but for the most part she just let him be. It wasn't like she was hovering over him waiting on him hand and foot.

So it's hard to say but yes I will just wait and watch.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 08:26 PM
The poor kid gets an hour a day with his mom? I can imagine he’s craving attention.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/17/19 08:43 PM
Essentially, probably 1 hr in the morning asshe is getting him and herself ready for work and maybe 45 min at night as she gets him ready for bed. He thought it was funny when he tried to squeeze her boobs, then he farted a couple of times and had to let the world know he did it. So I think he just wants and craves attention. His dad doesn't seem him but 4 days a month so that time is limited and his mom doesn't have much time either with her work schedule. She is also not the holly homemaker type of mom either, cooking meals, PTA meetings, etc.

The Dr. is pretty buttoned up, she struggles with words of affirmation, is not a small talk kind of person. She speaks her mind, very logical, very literal and is the type of person that is used to running her household, her practice, and marriage because her XH didn't contribute anything. So she is not running the kids around all day, meeting her girlfriends for lunch, spending 2 hours a day in the gym, getting her nails done, hair done type of person. She is focused on her practice and getting that up and running.
Posted By: kml Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/18/19 03:59 AM
Well we all know getting kids ready for school in the morning is not exactly quality time. So sounds like he only gets an hour in the evening of quality time with mom. That's tough. A kid like this needs a lot.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/18/19 10:08 AM
That’s sad. Getting ready for school and getting ready for bed is the only time they spend together?

The last thing I like to do is be a judgy parent, but is she going to the gym 5 days a week? That’s a lot of time taken away from him. Do they eat dinner together?

Hey, I know it’s a tough balance. But I made sure my gym time was 2 -3 days a week at most and I would take her with on the weekend. I believe in self care, absolutely, but this boy is crying for attention. Grabbing his mom’s boob? Sure cry for attention.

If you think about it, she only gets 10 more waking hours with her son than her ex does a week and that’s getting him to school and putting him to bed.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/18/19 11:19 AM
He is also adopted so I am.not sure how that plays into it as well.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/19/19 04:35 PM
The Dr. has went through a lot of changes in the last 2.5 years. She got Divorced, left her former practice where she was a partner to open up her own and obviously all the emotions and stress that go along with it.

Maybe she could do a better job of balance and giving more time to her son but I think she is just trying to figure it all out. Her mom moved to town in October of last year so I know she has been a tremendous help to her as her son spends about one night a week at Grandma's.

She was really sick on Saturday and still took him to the water park for several hours so I know it's not because she doesn't want to spend time with him.

I saw her last night for a couple of hours, again this morning at the gym briefly and this weekend is kid free for the both of us so we will have the weekend as well.

I feel good today about where I am at, the pace and I think meeting her son kind of freaked me out a bit.
Posted By: kml Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/19/19 04:53 PM
WEll it does make it real that step-parenting could be in your future, and that can be difficult. But no one expects you to have an instant relationship with that kid either. Give everything time.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/19/19 05:37 PM
She goes to the gym before and after work?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/19/19 05:43 PM
She goes after work on Mondays and Thursdays. She goes before work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Tuesday it's because her office is open until 6:30 and Wednesday because her office is closed and she does marketing. Friday's she is only open until noon and goes immediately after.

My mom has been a step-parent for over 30 years and has given me some really good advice. She had just told me to be patient and give it time.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/19/19 05:53 PM
That’s great you have your mom’s advice.

There’s no rush. The getting to know each other process when kids are involved takes time. I’m learning it’s also like you restarted dating in a way. Just take the time
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/19/19 06:48 PM
It does feel like it's restarting. I am also not 100% comfortable yet with my daughters seeing me interact with the Dr. it's just different than what it was with their mom.

It's still all a learning process for me, I feel very comfortable around her however my biggest issue is just letting go. Feeling, embracing, allowing myself to really feel her.
Posted By: neffer Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/19/19 07:29 PM
Moms are always right J9: time and patience.

Relax, free yourself, (stop mind reading everything! ;-) ).

Take your time to adapt to your new reality.

PMA

Enjoy that.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/19/19 09:09 PM
LOL Nef…..I have learned that the older I get. I am trying to listen this time, I didn't necessarily listen when I was young. She had some concerns with my XW...………..
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/19/19 09:13 PM
Has your mom met her?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/19/19 09:15 PM
No not yet.....
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/26/19 06:48 PM
I really don't have much to report. Summer is moving right along, I have my girls in camps 4 weeks since I have to work. Took some vacation to supplement the rest. Today the went to see Toy Story 4 so they were very excited!

The Dr and I are still just humming right along. No more kid meetings since a couple of weeks ago although my youngest saw her yesterday as I had to go to her office and pick up a laptop from her that she asked me to look at. I took it back over to her at 8 last night, told my daughters where I was going so they were cool with it. Even got in a quick session!

We see each other pretty frequently which is cool. Everything is very smooth and easy, sometimes it feels like we are a married couple. No drama, no fights or arguments and I don't feel like I am suppressing myself either. It just kind of clicks with how I am and who she is. I no longer feel myself stressing out either which is cool.

So we just continue to do our thing. The girls don't seem to be bothered by it and everything is going really well.
Posted By: Maika Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/26/19 06:59 PM
That sounds awesome J. Looks like things are settling in nicely. Super happy to hear how your D's have reacted to the Dr. and now that they've met, you can be more open about it.

Curious to know how things are with exW. Are things fairly predictable and settled with her now?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/26/19 07:16 PM
Yo M....thanks, I feel very settled at the moment. It just re-affirms that everything is only temporary, the good and the bad. You can't get too high and you can't get too low. I try to stay neutral the best I can.

Things are settled with the XW. I only see her at kid events. We do sit next each other usually with one or both of the girls sitting between us. Kid exchange is still usually only 5 minutes max. I do not hang around and engage in idle chit chat. I do get the impression that she would like to though. I still just keep it quick and to the point. I have still not met her BF I kind of thought that once she found out about the Dr. that it might open her up to make that happen but not yet. The only time I reach out to her is for kid stuff. If it's not kid related we don't talk unless she talks to me about her life which she does do from time to time. If she initiates then I will be polite and listen, make comments, etc. but I am still not the one to initiate. So still very much following my DBing principals just because I don't have any desire for anything else with her. I am not rude, angry, mean or anything like that there I just don't have a desire for anything more. We do joint birthday parties with the kids. We also have some mutual family friends that have had parties were we both attended as well.

I still think back to all the crap she pulled when she moved out and initiated the D combined with some of the things she and told me. When I think about all that it re-affirms the position I have taken which is less is more and why would I want to be friends with someone who treated me the way she did. It's not out of anger it's out of self-respect. I learned a lot.
Posted By: kml Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/26/19 08:59 PM
Quote
why would I want to be friends with someone who treated me the way she did


At this distance, I could even be friends with my ex - if the way he treated ME was the only issue, because I'm WAAAYYYY over it. But the way he's treated our kids since the divorce - THAT I can't forgive.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/27/19 12:47 PM
Makes sense......I am sure over time I could get there as well barring anything changing with my daughters.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/27/19 12:55 PM
My ex and I are friendly, but I wouldn’t call us friends. We can talk, we will hang out when we are at kids things. He actually asked me to go to a concert with him last year..... but we aren’t friends. But we have a very friendly . It works relationship. It works great for us. You gotta do what works for you
Posted By: Maika Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/27/19 01:35 PM
I am also friendly and civil. I see her when it's kid related stuff only. I also don't hang around and chit chat outside of kids stuff. There is really no reason for me to do so otherwise. I want to invest time in someone who will be a valuable part of my life as a friend, partner etc. She's neither of those and so outside of making things work for the kids, I feel no need to create a friendship. She wanted out, she got it.
Posted By: job Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 06/27/19 02:27 PM
Please start a new thread and link both threads together.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 27 - 07/01/19 02:03 PM
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2855342#Post2855342
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