Link to old:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2847845#Post2847845Not much new to report. No kid introductions yet or discussions regarding the subject. She just comments whenever I meet her son. I felt my feelings for intensify last week for some reason, not sure why. I think it had to do with days she was busy and pulled back some. I think I like her more than I realize I do.
No I love you's yet either although I am starting to feel it more each day.
We went and saw the Avenger movie on Saturday night. It was enjoyable although I have only seen the Iron Man movies so I must admit I was lost at times. We had dinner before then I spent the night at her place.
I will see her tonight, maybe again on Thursday and then we are kid free for the entire weekend. Friday we are going out to her ranch but I am not sure what we are doing the rest of the weekend.
Soccer season is almost over. I don't think my youngest daughter is going to play in the fall. She hates practice, doesn't want to go and I don't think she is having fun any more. My XW also said if she is not going to enjoy it then essentially she is not going to take her so if I feel strongly about her playing then it is essentially on me to make it happen. Outside of my XW's stance it is frustrating for me because my youngest plays Academy and is really good but if she doesn't want to practice and gets upset about it (crys at times) then I don't want to force her to go.
She really likes basketball so maybe soccer just isn't her sport. My oldest is different, enjoys practice, etc.
J9,
My Dad is a big golfer. He used to shove golf down my throat by the bucketful. I used to like it, but then it became a chore and no fun. I had to do it because my dad wanted me to. Eventually, I hated it so much I quit the varsity golf team my freshman year mid-season. I have never golfed since that time. Sounds like you are not going to push soccer on your daughter. Just giving you a perspective from someone forced to play a sport they didn't like.
it is frustrating for me because my youngest plays Academy and is really good but if she doesn't want to practice and gets upset about it (crys at times) then I don't want to force her to go.
Ah, the perennial parenting problem - how to navigate between being the overbearing parent who makes them hate the activity, versus quitting too soon when it's just that they got a little lazy for a couple of weeks and wanted a break from practice?
I faced this with my kids with music lessons. I didn't care what instrument they chose, nor did I care if they practiced at home. I just cared that they picked SOMETHING and that they went every week. Some weeks they would complain about going, but it was usually just a temporary "I'm tired of going every week", not "I hate music and don't want to play.
So if she likes another sport like basketball, let her do that. Just maybe try to see what exactly is her motivation - does she not like the coach, are some of the girls mean to her, does she not think she's good enough, is she suffering from a physical problem ? (I had undiagnosed iron deficiency anemia as a child that led to me quitting ballet, which I loved - but I was too exhausted.).
Btw - my youngest son changed musical instruments several times - 1 year violin, then trumpet (which he excelled at but quit because he didn't like the music). He then chose guitar and I swear didn't practice at all for a whole year - but ended up playing Hendrix. In his 20's he went on tour with a friend's band playing bass - which he had never touched a bass guitar before - and got many compliments on his playing. Right now he mostly composes electronic music and occasionally DJs. I'm just glad (and he is too) that I didn't let him quit completely after trumpet, but didn't pressure him to much either. It's all about the middle way I think.
Thanks guys.....I am not going to force her to do something she doesn't want to do and burn her out. When she played recreation soccer for the city she scored 3 to 5 goals per game. Now that she has moved up and is playing better competition she isn't scoring like she used to so I think it no longer fun. They are also now practicing twice a week vs one time and week and I think she is also tired after being at school all day. My kids stay at their school in an extended school day program until my XW or I get off of work and can pick them up. On nights they have soccer they are not getting home until 7 at night so they don't have the luxury that some of the kids have that have a parent that stays at home. So I think she is tired as well.
Having spent a good portion of my adulthood in the education field, I see all the time, parents who force their kids to do certain activities and it burns kids out, so it is good that you are not going to force your daughter to continue on with soccer. One thing that I notice is that some parents tend to have their kids too overscheduled. Now, I'm not saying that is the case with your children, but in general, that does seem to be a trend. It is ok for them to have some time where they can just stay home and do homework, have family time or play outside. I used to work with a lady who was a relatively young single mother (mid-30's) and she had 4 kids, all under the age of 13. She worked a full-time job and had her kids in all sorts of activities: karate, theater, track, music, art, church. She was (is) one of those hippy dippy types who is an anti-vaxxer, GMO/organic farmer "expert", conspiracy theorist, snowflake mama who claims she is not any of those things, but then she almost got herself fired because she never did her d@mn job and spent all her time complaining to the big boss about how her immediate supervisor was out to get her. Well, no, immediate supervisor wasn't out to get her. Immediate supervisor was just tired of having to always pick up the slack for her or ask me or another responsible party to do it. It got old quick, but I digress. She didn't keep her kids on a routine and would regularly keep them out in town until late at night while she herself went to a muy thai class or something like that. And, then she would try to justify it by saying that the kids wanted to do it, but when you would see pics, the kids would be in the background working on homework or sleeping on the floor instead of participating in the class. Then, she couldn't figure out why her kids didn't do well in school and it was always the teachers' faults for not teaching correctly instead of the kids' faults for not doing the work or her fault for keeping them out so late.
Sorry, I'm hijacking the thread here, but I just think that there is a great deal of importance for kids to have structure and routine and just be kids. I'm not saying they shouldn't be involved in activities because activities outside of the classroom are good for them and are learning experiences in their own rights. But, there is definitely a danger in over-scheduling kids to the point that they are just worn out.
The only activities they have are sports. The biggest issue is that we both work which wouldn't be a huge deal if we were still married. Being a single parent complicates things as you are rushing out of work to get them from school to get them to practice. They are essentially gone from home from 7:30 am to 7 pm Mon, Tues, and Thurs.
When I take my girls to practice 96% of the time it's the mom dropping off. I know most of them and they all stay at home. So their kids have the luxury of being picked up from school when it lets out at 3 thus having 2.5 hours at home to relax, do homework, etc. My girls go from school to extended school day so they really only 45 min or so at the end of the day to relax and do whatever. This impacts their homework. If we were still married 1 kid could stay home and the other could go to practice but since they are not old enough to be left by themselves yet they both have to go to practice even if it is not their scheduled night.
Yeah, I get it. I wasn't implying that yours are overscheduled. Their schedule is a product of necessity and you don't seem to have them signed up for a ton of different things. While I'm sure being a single parent throws a big wrench in it, even if you were still married and both working, there would be compromises. Overall, I was just saying that in general kids are overscheduled and it is good that you are letting her take a step back from soccer, if that is what she wants to do. You (and from the things you post about your XW) really do seem to have the kids' best interests at heart. I sometimes wonder with some parents (like the lady I worked with from my earlier post).
Yes....but I can work with the compromises. I don't mind taking them to practice but it's the rushing around that gets old, them changing in the back seat of the car because I don't have time to take them home and the biggest issue is them not having some down time between school ending and practice beginning.
If we were a two parent household the XW could pick them up at 4:30 and they would have been home for roughly an hour before practice started. They would also not have to attend each other's practices and would be able to stay home with the other parent thus having 3 nights a week with nothing going on. Right now they only get two, one of which is Friday night since they can't be left home alone.
Yes, things are easier in a 2 parent household.
But that isn’t your sitch, so no use talking about it.
You do have a blessing to your sitch though. You and your ex live close, you coparent well. Be flexible. Maybe one parent can keep one kid during practice and the other can go with the other parent to practice? I think you guys have the capability to be flexible to make it work for the kids.
Did you consider your kids might be better off with an after school sitter/nanny? Someone to meet them at the bus, bring them home and do homework with them and get them ready for sports instead of paying for an after school program for 2 kids?
You are actually in a very good position to make the single parent situation work for you and your kids. Got to think outside of the box
I come from a town where there are not many stay at home moms. Unless you are rich in my state, it doesn’t happen much . We all make it work some how .
I agree, if a kid is miserable in an activity or sport, no need to force them to go. I agree with the follow through, your kid isn’t quitting in the middle of the season. And also remember, your kids may not always be like you and be sports people. My daughter is not sports girl. And thats ok. She is not competitive at all. She does cheerleading every year. She began tennis lessons once a week. But she likes the little clubs the school has to offer. She is an excellent swimmer but hates the drills for swim team. She did for a session. I’m not going to spend my time and money if she is miserable
Well the arrangement would be that my XW would drop them off at practice when it is her week to have them, take the other one home with her that doesn't and then I would pick them up from practice and bring to her.
When it is my week she would not do the same. She lives farther away from their schools etc. so when it is my week I would have them both and make it happen. I live 1 miles from their school, where they practice etc.
She lives about 5 miles away which when driving through town is about 10 to 15 min through traffic. It is also on the opposite side of town which would cause her to back track. When it is her off week she is not involved and will only attend a practice if one of the girls requests it.
I am not judging her just stating the facts. When she is off the clock she is off the clock. When I am off the clock I am still actively involved.
I am not judging her just stating the facts. When she is off the clock she is off the clock. When I am off the clock I am still actively involved.
Well, I guess I'm judging her, because I didn't know a parent got to be "off the clock". I find that interesting, But hey, it is your life, so you have to do what works for you, right? But, then again, I'm just particularly grouchy today, so maybe I wouldn't feel so judgy on a different day.
I hear ya......once my youngest D gets out on the field and starts practicing she is fine it's just the initial acceptance of having to practice is where she throws a fit. I have witnessed it myself so I know she does it so I do understand where my XW is coming from. Ideally our D would be excited about going to practice, looking forward to it just as my oldest D does when has her practices. She never complains about having to go.
My XW will attend their school events when it is not her week, does attend their soccer games as well for the most part but I would say in general puts herself first. A few weeks ago she missed my oldest daughters game because she was going to brunch with her friends. I would have skipped brunch or told them I would show up late if I had to make a choice between my daughters or friends. But, as we are told, I can't expect her to have the same values as me. She will text them at night or face time as well to say good night, etc. So I would say not completely off the clock but I don't think she goes out of her to see them unless their is a scheduled activity.
It is what it is............
Well, color me selfish. I have missed my daughter’s football games for cheer leading for personal reasons. If it wasn’t my weekend and I had plans, I didn’t attend. If it wasn’t my ex’s weekend and he had plans, he didn’t attend. My child only cares as long as someone is there. And sometimes that someone is her beat friends parents. And I do the same for her best friends parents when they have a personal engagement . I watched my daughters first tennis practice and not the second and she didn’t care. She was hanging out with her friends.
Self care is not always selfish.
For me it just depends on the reasons. I personally have only missed 1 Saturday of games since they started playing two years ago. That was when I was out of town visiting friends. When I was growing up and playing sports my mom never missed one of my games, she attended every single one. I still remember that to this day.
As I said in my original post I have learned to not put my beliefs, feelings, etc. on others because what may work for one doesn't not work for someone else.
My mom never went to any of my track meets (they were long and boring) . My dad went to every one that he wasn’t at work for. Even the cross country ones that were even more boring. He even knew the times of a lot of my team mates. I look back and really love my dad for that. It doesn’t go unnoticed or unappreciated.
My ex-husband's parents never went to a single one of his high school lacrosse games. A different era though.
Hey, I grew up with a mom who took zero interest in anything I did and whenever I started a new activity, she talked me out of going because she didn’t want to bring me. She only worked on and off and part time, so she was tasked to bring me.
I think it’s a great you go to all the games. And I don’t think you making everyone of them vs. your ex missing one once in a blue moon makes either of you more involved or better. We both go to plenty of my daughters games, but yeah, since we got every other weekend to ourselves, sometimes we put our plans firstvwoth our friends. Both me and my ex. Not all the time, but sometimes.
Your ex doesn’t sound like she always puts herself first or is completely off the clock. She sounds like a loving involved mother who is present even when her kids are with you. She attends the kids activities on on her night, she has chosen a brunch before ( which when you have every other weekend to yourself, it might be a rare time all the ladies could get to get her) me and my friends are crazy busy full tome workers with kid responsibilities. When our schedules align it’s like a once a year red moon or something . I’ll miss one of my kids games for that. In that instance I put myself first, because if I don’t take care of me, I’m not the best mom I can be.
I’m going to venture too that because you are super into sports , it’s a little different for you too. You love that stuff.
I’m reading a book right now about the unrealistic expectations placed on women and mothers and the shaming and how because one woman does one thing and the other doesn’t it society makes them feel like the lesser mom or parent. Just because we make certain choices that involve self care, doesn’t decrease our value as parents.
It sounds like your children will be very happy dad made it to their games. And I don’t think your children will be affected by the few times mom might have chosen brunch in stead.
I’ll also venture to guess that if you talked to your ex about seeing how you can make the activities more tolerable for the kids, she would help out.
Consider the after school sitter . Being in their own environment will probably be better on them and even cheaper
I was a band geek all through school and my mom went to most of my stuff while my dad rarely did. My dad was (is) a farmer and he worked weird long hours so he had little down time that he wasn't working so going to a band concert wasn't high on the list, even if it was his kid. Neither of my parents attended football games where our band marched, but my mom did come to all the concerts. I was also very active in 4-H and both of my parents were active in those activities, serving as volunteer leaders. I don't have bad memories of my dad not showing up, I just know he didn't because he had work to do and I understood because that was our life.
I said I was judging J's XW the other day and while I was grouchy when I said it, I still stand by it. To your point, G, I think there is a HUGE difference in self care and missing the occasional activity to do something with friends whose schedules only align once in a blue moon and a parent who is "off the clock" when they don't have the kids and the way I interpreted what J wrote was his wife was "off the clock" completely when the girls are in his care. Absolutely, single parents, married parents, ALL parents should practice self care and if they miss a kid activity because of it on occasion, oh well. You can't be an effective parent without that self care, in my opinion. Far too many parents (mothers and fathers both, though it seems to be more heavily directed at moms usually) feel like they have to be all in all the time and that just isn't sustainable. However, in my opinion, if you are a single parent and you just completely shut off when the kids are with the other parent, that seems odd to me. I think I'm likely particularly sensitive to that issue, though, because when XH and I were first married, on the weekends that his girls stayed at our house instead of their mother's, their mother would literally shut her phone off or send their phone calls straight to voicemail so that she could have uninterrupted time with her boyfriend. The girls were teenagers at the time so they really didn't need anything from her, but they occasionally just wanted to chat with her and she would ignore them for 3 or 4 days at a time, saying they could get whatever they needed from me and XH. It was very cold and hurtful to the girls. I'm sure it is different when the kids are younger and actually need care from the parent, but that is why I feel strongly about the whole being totally off the clock thing.
My exW doesn't attend a lot of the kids stuff so that she can spend time with her bf. Kids have noticed. I make it out to everything and there is a rare occasion when I am unable to. Even if I was dating, attending kids stuff would be my priority. There is nothing in my schedule that can't be worked around. I do understand the importance of self-care and everyone should be engaging in that. But none of my self-care stuff conflicts with the kids stuff for now. I understand on occasion that someone might have a conflict, but not on a regular basis.
I am never off the clock. My R with the kids is much stronger because I show up all the time in their lives, not just events and school field trips. My emotional health is far better than exW and it is really evident when kids run into issues with her and how she handles it. I do it very differently and that's why we're so tight. Kids call me from school if there is an issue. Teachers and the Principal know me and I am a regular presence at the school for stuff. All this matters to the kids. It also matters to me because I want to be involved and know what's happening in their lives. School is everything for them right now.
I also don't understand how her bf doesn't reflect on what she is prioritizing. Especially cuz he's a parent too. But maybe they both are doing the same, I dunno. Not my cheesecake to slice.
Well we already paid for after school care for next year which is roughly $2800 total for both kids. We do get a discount since my XW is a teacher. The year after my oldest will be in 6th grade and I only live about 1 mile from her middle school so maybe then we will feel comfortable having her walk home from school. IDK.
Intentional or not there have been times where my oldest has tried to call, text, facetime, etc. and my XW has not picked up the phone or returned the call in 5 to 10 minutes. Maybe distracted is a better term but it is frustrating to me when my daughter can't reach her mom. We have a close family friend tell me that if she needs something I am the first person she calls out of the two because she knows I will always answer or respond.
My XW is a good mom don't get me wrong. Her and I just have different philosophies/thoughts on playing sports. I am very competitive, want them to excel and hopefully have a chance to play in high school. My XW on the other hand has no problem with them playing, but sees it as just another activity for them to be active. We just have different philosophies on it. She really didn't care before, she let that be my domain with the girls but now that we are Divorced she is starting to express her opinion about it since some of the burden now falls on her shoulders.
I saw the Dr. on Tuesday night for a couple of hours for one of our weekly hook up sessions after her son goes to bed. Her drug reps took her out to dinner last night at a high end steak house and since she doesn't eat steak she got a to go bag for me. Needless to say she texted me when she was on her way home, asked me if she could come over 15 minutes as she had to get home to because she had a sitter. I mean what a Girlfriend. She comes for a 15 minute quickie plus she brings me steak!!!! I feel like a king.
We are going out to her ranch tonight to hang out and then back home tomorrow. Not sure what we will do tomorrow night but we may just stay in and chill. Next week will be 4 months and the 3 H's are still in effect. She made a comment that one of her friends wants to meet me and so far neither one of us have met anyone else in our lives. It's just been her and I hanging out, hooking up, and having fun.
Maika and J when the moms only have the kids 50 percent of the time and they put dating first it tells you something. In my case, and in Gingers we have our kids the majority of the time - (I have son at least 80% of the time and its actually much easier for me now then when ex husband and I were together ) and a break or even catch up helps a lot.
I agree with ginger that modern moms do have unrealistic expectations placed on them. In the past, kids went out and played all day with neighborhood kids while mom stayed home - cleaned, socialized. Now there is so much pressure to entertain your children all day long, chauffeur them to structured event after structured event, have a spotless home that looks like it belongs on hgtv and work as a professional. I think these new expectations are leading to depression and marital break down.
At first I was disappointed that my son wasn’t into team sports. (Especially since he is so hyperactive) but now I’m kind of grateful for the saved costs and travel and time. With him, I had to accept that the more I push, the more he pushes back. He loves martial arts and cooking and With certain personalities it’s easier to just follow what their interests are.
I do know when me XW first moved out she was all about dating and partying when she didn't have the kids. I will say that 2 years later it appears that has died down and she no longer gives me that impression. Her life has appeared to have stabilized.
The Dr. has her son full time and outside of Cub Scouts he is not involved with anything else. The Dad lives over an hour away so she doesn't have the time to enroll him in anything else. His schedule is her schedule so he goes to bed at 7:30 pm wakes up every morning at 6 am and she has him to school by 7:15 am every morning so she can get herself to her office by 7:30 am. The good thing about the Dr. is that his school, her office, and her home are all within a 3 miles radius of each other so she literally doesn't have to leave that bubble. The downside is that she doesn't get a chance very much to leave that bubble, she misses out on a lot of networking events, and always has to find a sitter to watch her son if she wants to go out or whatever.
My issue is that I don't approach sports from the point of view of just having fun and enjoying it. I approach it from developing you skills, winning, and working hard to be the best you can be. Then once you start to improve begin playing harder competition so you can continue to challenge yourself.
I was an athlete and Im a PT so I get that regarding sports. I think they instill confidence in kids and they teach them that results come from hard work, commitment, and dedication. My son is horrible at team sports. He is adhd and even though he’s got tons of energy he has really poor coordination and fine motor skills. What bothered me so much was that he didn’t even want to try! And the more I pushed the more he resisted. I was forcing him to practice dribbling and trying to invent games to work on catching skills. Eventually I gave up cause it just added more struggle and conflict to my life and I wasn’t accepting him for who he is.
What i do tell him is he has to choose one sport, one hobby and then next year we will pick an instrument. I let him choose what he wants, but I make sure he knows he has to be part of something. He ended up becoming obsessed with martial arts. He loves it and practices without me telling him. He loves rock scrambling and hiking that involves pseudo parkor so I’m gonna look into rock climbing when he gets a bit older too.
I think some personalities just need to feel they have control
I mean what a Girlfriend. She comes for a 15 minute quickie plus she brings me steak!!!! I feel like a king.
Hahaha, you are livin' large!
Maika and J when the moms only have the kids 50 percent of the time and they put dating first it tells you something
I totally agree with you. I sometimes wonder if she's having a MLC in some ways. She basically 'rediscovered' herself and did everything she wanted to do as she 'missed' out on that in her life. I almost wanted to ask her if she doesn't want custody of the children during our separation agreement process. Like are the kids bumming out her life and what she wants to do? I had no problem taking full custody and I still don't. Her priorities at the very least are out of whack and she's damaging her R with the kids. But that's on her to deal with as kids grow older, it will become even more apparent.
I do know when me XW first moved out she was all about dating and partying when she didn't have the kids.
My XW definitely did her share of that as well. Now it's all blended family full steam. It's just incredulous to watch it. Like that was the better option than working things out with me when there was that space to recon.
I’m guessing it takes you 13 minutes to eat a steak so that sounds about right lol.
Steak, wam bam thank you ma’am lol.
Well i took 3 bites of the steak and saved the rest for breakfast after my workout.
Went out to the Drs ranch last night. The 3 h's were in full effect and we passed out by 8:30. We got up this morning around 8, had some coffee and I made us breakfast. We got back in town a few hours ago and then we went to the gym to get our workouts in. I am home now, relaxing for a few hours before we go out to dinner tonight.
She is super sweet. She bought me my own pillow for her place. She asked me what kind I use at my house so she went onto Amazon and got the same kind. You know you are getting old when you need your pillow for sleep overs
BS,
I am envious! You have a great thing going.
Just a little advice to not get into a rut and keep it fresh because you guys seem to do the same thing every week. Keep her guessing. Plan a surprise get away for a night.
You are an inspiration for all the newbies!
Thanks L....it is a very interesting time for sure. I did buy us tickets to a concert this summer so she was excited about that. In the last days I have seen her 5 of those days and now I won't see her again until Saturday night. I do agree though about changing it up.
I do think things are going to progress over the next couple of months as no kid intros have happened, no I love yous have been shared, we have not met each others friends yet either so to this point it has just been her and I. She is not pushing me and I am not pushing her so it does feel like we are on the same page.
We do talk about our kids, talk about when we meet them, we have discussed if we are nervous to meet each others kids, etc. We have spoken in general about meeting each other friends as well. So those conversations have happened we just have not made an specific plans for it to occur.
I think with my XW she always had me chasing her in the R. That chasing feeling is all I have never known this dynamic of being the one who is being chased is new to me. I know when she took some time to respond to me earlier this week it freaked me out a bit so I know I have feelings for her. It is nice though to have some alone time after spending so many days with her. It will be 4 months of dating in the next couple of days.
My youngest started crying again last night before soccer practice and making up excuses as to why she didn't want to go. I finally just sat her down and had a conversation with her. She ended up telling me she doesn't want to play any more and she is fine with quiting. It was disappointing but I sort of figured that would be the answer. I then drove up to practice and told the coach that she was done. Maybe she will pick it up again maybe she won't. TBH I don't think she likes to sweat and prefers the sports that are indoors. Oh well, it is what it is.
The Dr's birthday is next week, she turns 47. I am going to send flowers to her office (roses this time as it's been 4 months) and I bought her a necklace as well. It was under $100 so it's not too extravagant. She likes to drink wine so as a gag gift I am also getting her a Wine Rack (essentially a wine bra). It has a straw coming out of it so she can drink wine out of it along with using it for support. We will probably go out to dinner as well.
I don't feel any pressure (she is not putting any pressure on me) but I do feel that I am placing pressure on myself. Analyzing and questioning vs just enjoying. Some times I do very well and am in the moment and other times I am not. My best friend told me I need to meditate every day and it has really helped him out a ton. He sent me a couple of links as well on what he listens to. I have confided in him and he just tells me to do what I want to do each day and don't think about anything further in the future. That after 4 months it is perfectly normal to not be sure, and it's ok as I got burned by my XW pretty bad. He just stresses to live in the moment and to not think about anything else. Easier said then done but I am trying.
I remember when I started dating my XW I never thought about marriage when we started dating. Us getting married just sort of happened. Now that I am older, more experienced, etc. I don't find myself thinking that way. My mind immediately shifts to whether or not this person is marriage material because if they are not why waste time. I find myself not evaluating them for just GF or a piece of booty but whether or not they have the potential for something more.
I think that is what causes me to not be in the moment and gets my anxiety up/stresses me out. The Dr. is not a hook up or piece of booty type of girl. While she is not pressing me and may be happy with the status que she is not out to just randomly date with no purpose.
Today marks the 4 month mark for the Dr,. and I. So far I have not ran across any deal breakers and truthfully everything has been pretty boring so far between us. What I mean by boring is easy. Our lifestyles mesh, we do share some similar interests, and it has really felt comfortable from the start.
There are have been no kid introductions, we have not met any family or friends either, no I love you's have been exchanged, we are not FB friends nor friends on IG. No public photos of us either. We have also not had any fights so I have not seen that side of her yet. She isn't pressuring me either or forcing direct conversations to take place about our future, where this is going, etc.
She is sweet, caring, a giver, attractive, has a good job, take cares of herself, goes to church, is independent, and doesn't anything financial from me. Since she just opened her practice and is getting it off the ground, is not able to travel and spends her days with her son and at her practice.
4 months is the longest post divorce R for either of us so definitely unchartered territory and I know she is scared as well. I think that is why neither one of us is pushing each other.
I think that I do love her and it scares the h@ll out of me. I feel that I am afraid to let go, and express myself for fear of where it might take me. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
You have been counting down that 4 month mark for 4 weeks now 😉 you are pretty fixated on the length of dating. It’s been almost 4 months since 3 months .... why the hyper focus on how long you’ve been together?
I can’t tell in your posts if you are trying to talk yourself INTO loving her , or talking yourself OUT of loving her?
You repeat the same things often about her qualities.
There’s no need to push for anything right now. No need to get real scared . If at any point you are confident there is NO future, then you need to end it. Again. 4 months. Still in the early dating phase!
You made me think the other day that I had no clue what the date me and M’s first date was. No “anniversary” day so we did figure it out. We were 8 months on the 8th. I still feel we are early on. I see my future with him, no doubt. But neither of us is freaking out about any next steps. And my love for him just keeps going, even now when there are things that might bother me once in a blue moon. But we don’t need to figure out what our future is going to look like now. No pressure . But definite love.
Just chill a little.
I think I am fixated because this board makes me think about things I would never have thought of before. It makes me more hyper sensitive, more aware. Take your time, be patient, 6 month for kids minimum, etc. I guess I just feel the pressure starting to build.
I think I list her qualities because everyone here is objective and will usually point out things that I hadn't thought of before or potential issues that I am blind to. Everyone has been pretty quiet on her outside of some insecurities and not having a R with her father.
I do see a future and that is what scares me. I think that causes me to analyze things even more.
Dude - it's perfectly fine to feel this way. Scary as well.
None of us here are holders of some mystic truth nor custodians of the sacred rules.
Are you still seeing a counselor? Some of these things may best be discussed with a professional.
I think futures with new people are scary no matter what. Whether you are 20 or 50 divorced or not divorced. Like with anything, is the risk worth the reward?
I could isolate myself for the rest of my life just so I could ensure I don’t get hurt again. Or I can take the risk for something great.
Stop fixating on how long you’ve been together. The kid thing is important, waiting until you are sure sure , but the rest is meant to take it slow and stop worrying. Unless the doctor feels like she needs to be cohabitation and married by a certain time and you are on her timeline and it’s making you anxious, then that’s different
We, sometimes, face the future with concern. but we live the present. Then we shall enjoy it and being thankful for that. Relax and enjoy J9.
No fear. No tears (look who´s talking...)
Future is future. When it reaches us is present. Enjoy the present.
Hugs for you and the girls!!!
I'm not sure what others think about this, but at this point, wouldn't a trip together somewhere be an interesting way to get to see the other person out of the normal element and environment? Like a week getaway to a resort or whatever else.
I feel like you guys have gotten into a comfortable ritual and maybe it's time to dust up a few things and see how things unfold. Maybe it will bring more clarity about the other person and see how they handle themselves in different settings.
You always wanted someone with a bit of an edge. Why don't you both go and so something with a bit of an edge to it and see how it goes?
I'm just sayin'. Maybe I am completely off-base here but injecting some more fun and uncertainty might actually be good.
I agree with the above^^^^
Dinner and quickie booty calls seems to be the extent of your dating. Go outside of your norm. Mix it up.
Do something different . Go to a sporting event, a festival. Have a fun day date. Start to socialize with other people. Look up fun different things. Do a house project together. Go grocery shopping together (seriously)
See a different side of each other . On our 4 th date M picked up a ton of hardwood with me and moved into my house with me. That said ALOT. The day after we went kayaking and fishing for 7 hours.
Mix it up! View each other in different environments.
Take her to a strip joint lol.
Take her to a strip joint lol.
I’ve done that with 2 guys I’ve dated. They were interesting experiences.
I know right.......If only the poles could talk lol
Never been a hug fan of the strip clubs. Unfortunately she can't take a trip for any length of time. She just opened her practice 7 months ago and is the only doctor so she can't leave or shut the doors. When she is more established then she will feel more comfortable doing it.
The week that I have my girls we only get to see each other 1 time which is either on a Friday or Saturday night. I will try to find a sitter, arrange a sleep over or like tomorrow send them to a local gymnastics place that does parents night out on Saturdays from 6:30 to 10.
The weeks that I don't have my girls I will usually see her twice during the week after her son goes to bed and now that our weekends are aligned we have been out to her ranch twice, once on a Friday another time on a Saturday. We road around on her Polaris, shot guns, did some work around the place, drank, had dinner, etc. We usually go to the gym together on Saturday's and Saturday night we will usually go out (my girls also had soccer games on Saturdays as well) and I don't miss them). Sundays are tough with church and getting stuff done around the house before the girls come for the week so we usually part ways on Sundays in the morning. So we just don't have long blocks of time together.
My youngest plays basketball and I coach her team. She is playing this summer so we will have 1 practice during the week and games on Saturdays.
I did get us concert tickets to go see a band in August. Now that it is summer we will also spend time on the lake boating. Once I meet her kid and she meets my girls its something we can all do together as well.
I'll do what I can to change it up some but so far time has been the biggest hinderance.
What's missing here is meeting each others' friends. Time to go out to dinner with some of yours or hers. You can tell a lot about someone by who there friends are and how they interact with your friends
you guys actually manage to spend a lot of time together. With small kids it’s really hard. But at least they force things to evolve slowly. I can see myself having trouble finding time with a guy that works a normal 9 to 5 shift.
We usually only go 4 to 5 days without seeing each other, it just may only be in 1 or 2 hour increments. She stopped over Thursday night for about 5 minutes to just say 'hi" and we kissed a little in my driveway. My girls were asleep but she didn't want to come in the house. Tonight I will see her for 3 hours from 6:30 to 9:30 then tomorrow night I will go over to her place after her son goes to bed around 8 pm.
I do feel my feelings growing and I am scared I think it might be love. On Thursday I felt the words almost coming out of my mouth. I know there is no rush so I will try to remain patient.
Hi there J9.
Being scared is good. It means you are taking this seriously. I'm very happy for you that you have found someone who you match with.
Even though you are a fair bit younger than me, a couple of things that I tell myself I think apply.
- If this doesn't "work" you'll be fine
- Her opinion of you or how she treats you is no reflection on you - whether good or bad
- Have your own life and appreciate how she adds to the joy you already have inside yourself.
For me - "the words" are the point of no return. It embodies and implies a promise. Trusting your heart to the hands of another is difficult when that heart has been bruised and broken.
For B and I the first time we each told the other, it was done in a deliberate fashion on different occasions. Not everyone does that so if you know where your heart is and the words just happen to be spoken it's only putting words around something that already exists. Like pointing out the window and saying "horse" to alert the universe that a horse does indeed exist
Thanks A....I believe that I am there. I have no idea what the future holds but I think it is what I am feeling. I do understand what you are saying and it makes sense. I believe she is there as well but is laying back waiting for me.
We went out last night for a few hours and will see each other again this evening. Her birthday is Wednesday so we will be seeing quite a bit of each other this next week.
I am finding myself wanting her to be around more, doing things with me and the girls, etc.
Meet her friends and have yours meet her!!!
ok will do....we have discussed that in general but have not made specific plans. Neither one of us have a wide circle so it shouldn't take too long.
Meeting friends really says a lot and can really be a game changer.
It's time....
So far it has just been us and 4 months of really meeting no one. Last night while we were at dinner I sent my mom a picture of us together and she sent her mom one as well.
It's gradual but maybe we are both starting to gradually be more vulnerable.
Went and saw the dr last night for about 2.5 hours. No new developments, I thought about telling her I loved her but got scared and didn't think while we were in bed was the most appropriate time. I did tell her I would like for her to meet some of my friends this coming up weekend and she agreed.
These friends are an older couple that my XW and I have known since our oldest D was 3 months old. The are really more like parents than anything else as min live roughly 5 hours away. These friends are also friends with my XW and they have met her BF as well. They are really my closest friends and outside of my neighbors and guys a play basketball with I don't have many people to introduce her to.
The dr's birthday is Wednesday so I am going to send her roses to her work and I got her a necklace as well. We won't get to celebrate it on the day so I will either take her out to dinner this weekend or have her over to my house and I will cook. I was going to bake her a cake as well but she told me not to as she is a cake snob I wouldn't eat it. I might just get a small cupcake instead as everyone needs to blow out candles and get sung happy birthday!
I realize it has only been 4 months and there really is no rush to do anything so I will just continue to remain patient.
It sounds like she has similar feelings and maybe doesn’t want to come on too strong.
I kind of feel the same way ju. She is super sweet bought me some gifts this past weekend and offered to give me some art work from her house for my walls. I told her she could help me hang them in the proper location.
I feel it coming on I just have to find the right time. It is starting to stress me out. I think I need some of gs vape!
Ok well J9 went for it tonight, said the words and she came back with "I am not quite there yet". LOL....well that was awkward and I guess I am not good at reading her. I actually have no regrets, I might have taken her by surprise as well. We were talking about something and then she starting talking about who loves her. So I said well I love you, while we were kissing and it came to a skreetching hault.
I guess we shall see how she handles it. What will be will be. At least I didn't throw out there in this purposeful romantic moment
Wow J... good for you even if the outcome wasn’t the best. As long as that is how you really feel. I can’t imagine saying it first myself but hope I feel that way about someone where I want to. That was a vulnerable move for you and took some guts with the uncertain outcome.
So then what happened??
I am glad I did P...I have no regrets am I feel secure with expressing it. If men are supposed to take the lead in the R then I am a better man for it. When she said I am getting there I just said that's ok you don't have to reciprocate. It;s not a reciprocal thing. I finished my beer and we chatted for a while longer and then I left, hugged and kissed. Later when I got home she sent me text telling me good night with a kiss lips emjoi and I heart.
I think I surprised her and caught her off guard. I will just continue doing my thing and what will be will be..
I am happy with expressing myself.
Nice... good for you. Doesn’t sound like her reaction was terrible. You are right I think... it probably caught her off guard especially since it was kind of mid convo??
So you really love her??
It just felt that the timing was right and an easy transition without this big correographed moment. I do, have felt my feelings growing for the past couple week, getting more comfortable and wanting to spend more time with her. I care about her deeply, still scared but I good scared. She is a beautiful person on the inside and out. I believe that my feelings will only continue to grow. I am not looking to get married tomorrow but I do see that we have a future.
Oh boy awkward for sure. Coach says if you do everything right should be by 8 weeks. You must be screwing up big time lol. Don't think it's a big deal unless she starts pulling back.
She sure does send mixed signals this one.
What’s good about this, is I think you felt so much pressure by it, you thought she was head over heels in love and looking for things to go full steam ahead and you freaking by that. Now I think you know she isn’t way ahead of herself and you can chill out a bit! Date and have fun . She will be there, but maybe the pressure is off now.
Usually those words bring on pressure, but for you, maybe it will take it off.
And WTF, LH?? The coach actually puts a timeline on the ILY? Of only 2 months? That’s insane??
8 weeks?!? Is that for real?
Look don’t kill the messenger.
He teaches 3 three hs and wait until she says it first. He says if you do everything right it takes on average 8 weeks.
You can’t put a timeline on that. Doing “everything right” doesn’t produce love in 2 months. Maybe infatuation
Again it’s a guideline. I can’t remember with my ex but we started dating in June and it was in the summer but again when your young with no kids your spending every day together.
Mixed signals for sure....oh well what will be will be. Wait till she gets the roses tomorrow for her birthday with the Happy Birthday greeting Love, J9. Bahaaaaaaa!!
It does bother me some and TBH it was a little awkward but I know I am good either way. I am glad I put myself out there, attempting to overcome my fears. I for sure will not bring up meeting the kids any time soon. That one is on her
I took my shot, the ball is in her court now. At least she was honest. Maybe she had been testing me all long, seeing how quickly I would push things, saying i love you, etc. It could have been one big [censored] test. Not that her feelings are not growing but maybe her tactic is to come on strong, shower with gifts, attention, etc. to see how quickly the man will commit and if he does too early she knows he is weak.
L - I didn't think the coach had a rule over who said it first. I actually though there were times were he said it first. I could be wrong.
I do believe he suggests to let the woman say it first but yeah no hard rule.
Oh man the birthday tomorrow. Under the circumstances now the necklace and roses may be over kill. I don’t know it certainly is easier to be married lol.
J9 - I think that it all went well. It was similar when B dropped the ILU on me. I had to wait for a week or two before I was ready to say it back. It shows that she's taking it seriously. As are you.
As far as timelines go, B told me the other day that her STBX (of 22 years) proposed after 2 days and they were married after 4 months. Each to their own.
She has already texted me this morning so all is good in the hood. At this point it is what it is and if me telling her what I did and sending her flowers, etc. ends it then it wasn't meant to be so I am secure with the choices I have made. If she really does care for me and sees a future then it shouldn't bother her.
The necklace was like $70, the roses like $60 and the gag gift was around $40 so not a ton of money. I just thought after 4 months of dating roses were more appropriate. At minimum at least she knows I am putting myself out there, overcoming my fears and being vulnerable.
Truthfully your kind of dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.
I know I won't say it again and I know I will never bring up meeting the kids so going forward everything resides with her.
I am not looking to get married tomorrow and honestly we could just continue to date and do what we are doing. It's not about me trying to lock her down. She is a good woman and I just wanted her to know how I feel.
It isn't like I said it after 1 week or 1 month. I guess I will find out where she stands emotionally and if she can handle investing herself.
I feel like I just ended a game of chicken.
I'm clearly no expert on the coach and only read the book once, plus my memory has been total poop lately but I recall 8 weeks being the time frame to become exclusive in an R - NOT nessisarily for ILY. He does say to let the woman go first. Again, so much for the coach and his book but you didn't follow it.
I guess I more wonder if you're (not your) really in love J. I think you are really starting to like her a lot. In love though? Regardless I think you're (again not your) right in not regretting it. It will be interesting to see if she pulls back now and 4 months becomes her new record rather than three. It's hard to read this stuff sometimes but communication is key and that's happening so that's good! I think you've got the right attitude now though. You put it out, no regrets and what happens, happens. Good for you!
As far as timelines go, B told me the other day that her STBX (of 22 years) proposed after 2 days and they were married after 4 months. Each to their own.
OMG - 2 days? Why does that not surprise me. I've heard of stories like this - rarely if ever do they work out. As to each their own - I've yet to hear or read any mental health, life coach, minister, councilor... Anyone who should know these things to suggest this is a smart move. You simply cannot know soneone well enough in two months to get married - let alone 2 days! Marriage is hard enough with a one in two chance of lasting (the first time) it's likely the biggest decision of ones lifetime. To do it in two days is plain foolish. But maybe that's just me.
Thanks A....she might have been surprised although when you date someone for longer than 3 months things are going to start to happen. 4 months, 5 months, 6 months I don't think it really matters as at some point it's going to happen.
IMO people that are afraid of commitment or getting hurt again will end things before it ever gets to the point. It doesn't take much to disqualify someone so if she wants to disqualify me she now has her opportunity which essentially is good.
I am also glad I said it because I feel it puts me in control. IMO it puts more pressure on her now because she didn't say it. Either way I am going to pull back some, give her space and just do my thing. I am sure she is calling her girlfriends and discussing
I also realized that this is peanuts compared to going through what I just went through.
You DH back in da hizzy…….if she pulls back she pulls back, it is what it is. She did text me this morning already and she did last night before I went to bed so she is not showing signs of doing that. I got a heart emoji last night as well
Maybe I just do really like her and it is teetering on the beginnings of love. I do think about her quite a bit, I like spending time with her, I like hearing about her day, I am scared, and have also found myself thinking less about other women which I did when we first started dating.
I will pull back some just to give her some space to process. I won't say the words again and I won't be discussing meeting the kids as well. The ball is firmly in her court.
My guess is the reason why I made it 4 months was because I didn't push anything. So to your point we shall see if she is really ready or not.
If she really likes me and wants to be with me then we will discuss or just continue moving forward and she won't freak out. If not, then she will just end it.
Either way I know I will be just fine. It will definitely sting a little but after going through the D [censored] storm this stuff is nothing.
Good for you. You said it so now you can move forward without putting pressure on yourself, which you were obviously doing. I find it interesting that someone said the coach says men shouldn’t say I love you first and then experts coming from the female viewpoint say the woman shouldn’t say it first and I just think that’s all crap because if everyone is playing that little game, then nobody is going to say it. In my current relationship, he said it first. In other relationships, I’ve said it first. I just don’t think there is a right or wrong there...it depends on the people involved.
Thanks.....I don't have any regrets but I kind of feel like a schmuck. Especially with her birthday tomorrow, flowers on the way, roses no less, etc. Uggh.
I am glad she was honest but I am not sure how to proceed as I definitely don't want to come off as being needy but also realizing she might need some space.
You are overthinking again J9 - you have no new information that changes things. Just because she didn't immediately fall in to your arms in a Disney swoon doesn't mean that she's not got feelings for you. From what you wrote she didn't seem put off or disturbed by your ILU.
Accept your feelings. Accept the fact that she may not have - as yet - gotten to that stage. She's a smart lady. Saying that is a huge step. She undoubtedly wants to be sure.
Continue on as you were.
I agree with A that in theory nothing has changed accept that you may feel a little awkward.
I think your ability to read women needs a little work though because you seem to be off base at times. Probably because you like to over think things.
Alright I will continue on as is, it is slightly awkward but I will just have to power through.
Well I thought she was there and obviously I was wrong. She is buying me things, re-organizing her weekends with her XH so ours could be aligned, talking about things in the future like when we meet the kids, taking me out to her ranch, paying for dinners, seeing me multiple times per week, telling me she wants me to come see her office space, she asked me to fix her mom's walker, she talks to me about her practice, the financial details of it, how many patients she sees, etc. She always sits next to me when we go out to eat, etc. etc.
What else was I supposed to think? Telling me how much she really, really likes me, thinks I am a keeper, tells me she is lucky to have met me. Not to mention the pillow talk and sexy talk.
How am I not to think she has would not feel the same way. It is what it is but I mean geez I never would have thought.
Agree weird! I bet it has to do with being older, maybe jaded after divorce, keeping her guard up. Sometimes I think I’ll never love again.
Just because she didn’t parrot it back immediately doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling something. She told you she isn’t there yet and maybe she just still has some defense up. She didn’t push you away or react badly and she was honest with you and talked with you after. I think you are overthinking it. It’s only going to be awkward moving forward if you make it so. You said yourself she texted you like usual last night and this morning. Unless she’s a royal witch with a capital B or she’s a big player, she doesn’t tell you you’re a keeper and talk about the future if she’s not feeling some type of way. For whatever it is worth, I would just continue to move forward without analyzing it too much (oops....too late! Lol) and don’t say it again unless she brings it up. In my personal opinion, if you pull back now that you said it, that will send mixed signals so just try to do what you were doing before you said it. I think Andrew and LH are right, nothing has really changed. Focus on the positive.
Her experience with her first husband was not good. It seems to me that since she was making a lot of money he just mailed it in, got fat, got ED, lost his job and never had got a new job. Then I think he cheated on her as well towards the end. She filed for D the first time after 5 years, changed her mind and they ended up lasting 10 total. So she got burnt pretty bad and her D was only final about 5 months before mine.
I actually thought you and your XW would get back together again.
Just thought i'd jump in to help reassure you (well mostly anyhow) and agree with them. Nothing has really changed. It doesn't sound like you got an award or bad response - just not the response you thought. See, THIS is why your coach says to wait, but that's just a lesson learned at this point.
Here's where I agree with you and perhaps disagree a bit with the others - the roses and gifts, etc. might now look like you are doubling down and pushing. She may not stop to think this was already in play. She may assume that you feel rejected and now you are pushing and pulling out the flowers, etc. It's just a bad coincidence. Clearly you should have waited until after the flowers, after the gifts... she may have even said it first had you waited. But you didn't and don't beat yourself on it. What I would do, however, is watch for her to pull back even more after the flowers. If so, you may need to figure out a gentle way to explain that you had already ordered these - rather than a reaction to her over the weekend. DON'T SAY THIS - unless you have to. With her acting as she is now, you don't need to. I'm just looking forward as I do agree with you - the flowers may now look a bit desperate following the failed ILY rather than simply a gift that was already in play.
Hope that makes sense. Now go back to your thoughts this AM of it is what it is, you can't undo it. The less you do at this point - the better your chances of this all working out.
Everything in life is about timing so we shall see. I only look forwards I no longer look backwards.
Well she hasnt backed off today..she sent a text at lunch asking me how my day was going, calling me baby. Maybe the flowers tomorrow wont put her over the edge but if they do then so be it. I am supposed to see her tomorrow night so if she cancels then I know. I am such a moron.....yes flowers in motion on Monday. Uggh this stinks
Relax buddy - you did fine. Just continue as you have been - but don't keep repeating ILU until she comes up with it.
CMM came out with ILU way too early - I think maybe after a month? - and I was honest that I wasn't there yet. He kept repeating it though and that put a lot of pressure on me - probably to the point that I waited longer than I would have otherwise to respond.
My guess is she'll be saying it to you before you know it. Relax and keep having fun. Don't overthink.
Thanks guys......i will never say the words again unless she does. Hopefully the flowers and the little card that say Happy Birthday Love J9 doesn't put her over the edge. She is acting normal so me saying it must not have impacted her too much.
She is acting normal so me saying it must not have impacted her too much.
Or that it was perfectly expected and the mighty huntress knows that her trophy is just about in the snare
Never forget that there is more than one planner and plan involved here and that you are largely blind to what is going on. I like to remind myself that even when I think that I'm the smartest person in the room that I'm not.
The Dr is absolutely not a marionette acting out your "coach's" script. But perhaps you are
True true, this could have been her ploy or tactics all along! Well we shall see I believe my flowers are out for delivery!
I just got a notification that the flowers have been delivered...…………………………….
whew...…...she said she loved the roses although she hasn't seen them yet because they got delivered when she was out to lunch. She hasn't ready the card yet either unless she had her friend open it so she who they were from. I highly doubt she would just make that assumption....big assumption if I didn't send them. She said she was looking forward to seeing me tonight.
Looks like I dodged a bullet......it feels like I am in the Matrix!
I don’t think there’s a bullet to dodge. She’s not a special, fragile, unicorn that you have to worry about Breaking or scaring away.
You felt a certain way, you were honest about it and she was honest back. That’s maturity. All you are doing is treating another person with respect and kindness so don’t second guess yourself. You are a catch too. Don’t forget that. A lot of people out there treat each other pretty Poorly. You are willing to put effort and work into her and the relationship and that says a lot about who YOU are as a partner and individual. Nothing wrong with that.
Dude...... get out of your head.
You didn't dodge a bullet because there is no bullet. I know you read the CW book even though you don't follow it. By what you write here he would say you are acting in the feminine. Worse case scenario she freaks out and leaves you. Masculine J9 would dust off and get back on the horse.
Thank Ju and your right TF. I don't follow everything he teaches but I have some. It is good to get it all out of my system on the board.
Just got back from the Dr house. Gave her the birthday presents, she loved the roses and the necklace. I was very present and felt very liberated. Now that I am through expressing myself feels very liberating. I am very much into her.
Another kid free weekend that we will spend together. Dinner on Friday for her birthday and out to her ranch on Saturday.
Lol. I wanted to say what TF said but you're my buddy Big Smooth.
Look man you're a lucky guy! You have a sexy, normal Dr. who is into you.
Please, please, please relax and just enjoy your relationship.
Again you are a DB success story.
Thanks L.....I am, I got it out of my system. Back to the three H's
and it started last night.
I know it must have been awkward for you, but nothing’s changed. Just enjoy it. It’s not like she freaked.
And if I remember correctly, in the beginning she kind of did this stuff. Except opposite. Seemed not so into you, but really was into you. I know you all think she is not a game player, but she kind of is. I don’t think it’s with bad intentions, I think she might need to feel a little control of the pace. She is having a hard time with the vulnerability.
But you were true to yourself. And I think a huge pressure is off you now. I do think you live with a little bit of a fear you are going to do something she doesn’t like and she will call it quits. I think the balance is now going to even out a little between you two
Now that you guys have a kid free weekend together, mix it up!
Lord, man, you wear me OUT. I just thought I was an overthinker until I started reading your posts. LOL
I totally agree with what Ginger said. Some of you were on the bandwagon at first that this lady doesn't play games, but that seemed at odds with the theory that some of you had that ALL women play games. Like G said, I don't think she is doing it with bad intentions by any means. I think she has been hurt and she's holding you at arm's length a bit in an effort to drive the bus.
You said ILY, she didn't freak out, y'all talked after, so relax and enjoy and wait for her to say it back. She will.
And, by all means, like G said, y'all have kid-free time so mix it up. You keep giving us excuses as to why y'all don't have a lot of time together (kids, her practice, etc.), but you know y'all have time this weekend, so do something other than dinner, sex and go to the ranch. You don't have to go on some week-long trip or even on a trip at all, but I'm SURE, if you think about it and do a little research, you can find something of interest to do that is within a reasonable distance of where y'all are. Change it up and make it a special weekend since it is her birthday.
I agree I think she is having a hard time being vulnerable. She does all of these nice things for me but is seems to be really struggling with "going there". Last night she was showing me a video of her son playing at his school party and she made the comment "that I am going to like him when I meet him". I just said "I am sure I will".
Anyway, no more out of me going forward. If she wants to drive the bus then she can jump in the seat and take the wheel. I will just sit in the passenger seat and go for a ride.
I actually think it is a good thing that I expressed myself first and she didn't say it back. One, it shows her that I emotionally stable and didn't get all butt hurt, get mad, etc. Two, I haven't said it since so it shows that I am not needy either or pushing it on her.
There is a local winery out by her ranch that we are going to go to so that should be fun.
A mutual family friend of my XW and I had a birthday last night and we were all there together with our girls. I am not angry with my XW but I have nothing to say to her and outside of the girls there is no reason to interact with her, inquire about her life, etc. When she first arrived I acknowledged her with a brief "hey" and then later on she came up to me and asked how I was. I jut said good and left it at that. Then when I was leaving I gave my girls hugs and kisses and just waved to her briefly.
I didn't feel awkward in her presence but I just have no desire for any interaction outside of stuff relating to my kids. I think I get the feeling she wants to be buddies, friends as from time to time she will send me random text messages, she wanted me to know she was going to back to school and taking classes. She is also going to Florida next week with a friend of hers and wanted me to know that as well. I don't know why she feels the need to tell me all these things but she does.
I know being friends with her or inquiring about her life is strictly up to me but am I wrong to keep her at arms length and not inquire about what she is up to? I am cordial for my girls and never bad mouth their mom ever in front of them, pay my child support like a good soldier and 1/2 of everything else but I just find myself having no use for anything more. I am not trying to be a jerk about it however I just don't see the point.
Is there anything wrong with that????
Not a thing wrong with that and I TOTALLY get it. When my XH first left, he wanted us to stay friends. In fact, he told me he really wanted us to be like my mom and dad. My mom and dad divorced after 28 years of marriage and are still on friendly terms and still have a genuine affection for each other. I just told him bluntly, I'm not half the woman my mother is and he d@mn sure isn't even on the same planet of being 1/10th of the man my dad is, so not gonna happen.
My situation is a little different in that our kids are adults so we do not have required interaction because of them, but honestly, I don't give a flying fig what he's doing. I just don't care. I don't want to know and I don't feel the need to share anything with him either. To be perfectly blunt, the only reason I would even care if he died is that it would be hard on my girls and I would feel bad for them. Other than that, he has become a total non-entity in my life.
I see no need for you to be buddies with her. Just peacefully co-exist for the sake of the kids and as they get older, your interaction will lessen. I don't think you are being a jerk at all. I hate my XH and I have made no secret of that here, but despite my girls being adults, I would still never bad mouth their dad, but he just doesn't exist in my world anymore other than being an unpleasant memory. You do you and don't worry about it. If she wants to be buddies, she can go find girl friends. LOL
Absolutely not. Pleasant and respectful. You're only a year divorced. The friendship may come later.
Ok thanks guys...….I am rude or disrespectful I just don't have anything to say to her. I don't go out of my way to find her, I don't go sit by her or attempt to make small talk either. I don't purposely avoid her but I don't initiate either if that makes sense. I don't make it awkward for anyone else either, I still smile and interact with everyone like I normally do I just don't interact with her. She is like someone I just met, we might be in the same room together but she is doing her thing and I am doing mine.
I just don't have any desire.
I see nothing wrong in your approach. I feel very similarly. I do see exW on the weekends and from the pleasantries and other kids related things, I have nothing to talk to her about and I have no desire to inquire more about her life. I find it strange and contradictory when they want to be 'buddies'. Like they asked for a separation and divorce and wanted the LBS to get outta their lives. We're giving them precisely what they asked for. So no, I don't think you're being rude or disrespectful. If you want to be more than what it is now, that's up to you and I wouldn't ding you on that. But I personally don't see a need for that.
I don’t know the details of your divorce or BD, but chances are if you are on these forums, cheating, lying, dating, gaslighting was at play. I would never be friends with someone that stole from me or assaulted me or conned me. That’s not a person I would trust or want to deal with. Most of our ex”s did stuff that in my opinion would put them somewhere close to the bottom of Dante’s inferno.
Oh h@ll no - I'd be responding "why the h@ll are you texting me this???" Of my ex texted me anything like that.
I don't know why she feels the need to tell me things that are going on in her life, what she is up to, etc. The other day for example, I went into her place to drop the girls bags off and she started telling me about a project she was working on for school, what she was drawing. I just said something along the lines of.....oh that's nice and then said good bye to the girls and left. It's weird.
Last night the Dr and I went out for her birthday to this local Italian restaurant that has an awesome patio with a large grassy area that has a band on Friday nights in the summer. People not eating at the restaurant come with their lawn chairs and sit in the grassy area, drink and listen to the music. Well the doc and I had an outdoor table, got a bottle of wine and was just chillin and out of know where my XW's best friend sat in the grassy area like 10 ft from our table. I was like holy fuch this is fricken great! I told the dr who she was and thought to myself what should I do. I know her and when we were married we would all go out as couples. Turns out I ended up doing nothing and she never saw me. I thought if I walked up and said hi I would have to introduce the DR and I didn't want to make it look like I wanted it to get back to my XW. I also really didn't care either TBH.
We spent the day together, went out to brunch, took a little nap this afternoon and going out tonight to listen to some music and have a few cocktails. We did go to the gym together this morning and got our workouts in so all wasn't lost.