Hello Hello post-D folks! I am so almost there, but I thought I'd start a thread and keep it going. I've officially exited the Newcomers section and it's so much better on this side - less pain, intriguing and thinky conversations, and more fun
Getting my agreement signed and executed tomorrow and the D papers are ready to be filed. Can do it online so it will be a breeze. ExW is already dating someone and they're going ahead full-steam with the blended situation. It's only been like 3 months but they both are moving ahead like their R is on a bullet train. lol. It's amusing to watch and a part of me is wary because if things don't work out, it will impact the kids. They see her bf and his kids regularly and it's a full on blended family. I am not surprised - exW has never been the patient type and the backstory on this guy makes me wonder if both of them are just trying to find someone and then stick with it come hell or high water. I hope I am wrong and that this sticks and they can make it work. I know it's a strange thing to say as the LBS but I ain't taking her back so for her and kids sake, I hope it works out.
I know that I got some flak on J9's thread about me meeting the bf and I understand that it is an unconventional approach. So, let all the haters come on to my thread and give me grief lol. Now you have an official thread to berate me. I am joking and I can take the criticism - it's all good.
Picking up a point from J9's thread, I am also not planning on getting remarried. I know LH says, never say never, but I am pretty sure that marriage is not the kinda situation I want to get into ever again. I am really contemplating the types of relationship I want to have and I am not sure if committed monogamy is going to be the right fit for me. I've been exploring open relationships and other relationship models out there to see what the fuss is all about and it's gotten me thinking more and more about what I want.
I am not out dating yet as I want the D papers to be done with - maybe I am a bit traditionalist at heart which goes right against what I just wrote about relationship models. Maybe I want to get the marriage 'over' by the books and then go see what's out there in candy land.
Anyways, I am not sure what's in store for me in terms of dating, but I am getting to a place where I am really content with my life and what I am doing. I just need to go out more and build connections and more friendships. Outside of that, I am really not in a place where I 'need' a partnership, but it would add some color to my life for sure. I still have some outstanding personal things to figure out and so dating also won't happen until then potentially. I am in no rush and if someone comes along my way, I won't dismiss it just because everything isn't 'perfect' in my life right now.
Good to be here! I never thought I'd say this when I started this journey after BD. What I have right now is priceless - clarity and purpose.
Welcome! Skinny dipping with doodler (who seems quiet these days - perhaps a bad taco) isn't mandatory.
Welcome M. Glad you started your thread over here. What a wild ride it has been.
Welcome to the other side! Clarity is, indeed, a wonderful thing. As far as flak for your decision to have coffee with XW's bf....that was YOUR choice and one that you had to live with so while some may disagree, I don't really know why anyone would give you serious flak about it. In a way, I wish I had had that opportunity, despite the fact that my XH cheated on me with the woman, because the first time I met her was at my daughter's wedding, so a sit-down ahead of time would have been MUCH less awkward than what I got. But, I say all the time, you have to do what is right for you, regardless of what others say. So, you made a choice and you ran with it...that is all you can do. Good luck!
Good to read you here dear brother!
Andrew haha! Well, doodler and I have occasionally danced the dance, so nothing new
J9what a wild ride for sure! Still more to come, but at least this go around I am in the driver's seat and can have some control over what the ride will look like.
DawnI know I didn't get serious flak for it, but LC's response was expected. His sitch vastly different than mine and I can see where he was coming from in his response. I knew that exW was going to steamroll her new R and that her bf was going to be around the kids a lot. Just the way she informed me about her new R was information enough for me to think about what I wanted to do next. I did debate it in one of my threads and put it out to just process the thinking.
The sit-down gave me the ability to set the tone for his involvement in the lives of my kids and also get an opportunity to see a glimpse of who this guy is. If he's going to be around my kids a lot, I personally needed to get a feel for him. I am not saying that as a judgment call and that if someone didn't that they're not doing it right. I just needed it for myself. As I expected, he's been coming around a lot and they've taken this blended family situation like they've been together for years. It was a bit jarring at first, but I know how to handle myself and I processed all of those emotions and thoughts privately to come to a place of grounding for myself. He's acted with great consideration towards me and has shown that he understands his place - it does seem genuine and not because they're in the early throes of their R. He also seems to be a caring father towards his kids and so that has put me at ease a bit.
The strange thing is that I think he's a good guy. I am not sure what his calculus was in dating exW who wasn't divorced etc. Definitely different from my calculus about it, but I just try to stay away from putting too much judgment. In his background, he was the LBS, but the story is much different than what we see on the boards. His MR was over the day he got married basically and so his LBS story is pretty rough. I just hope that he's done enough emotional work to get involved again, and same goes for exW. I don't see any evidence of it from exW, and so I wonder how grounded he is. Time will tell I guess.
I am sorry to hear about meeting the OW in your circumstances. I wonder if I could've pulled that off if it happened to me. As I had said, it's all about context, not right or wrong.
It's good to be here nonetheless and I look forward to regaling y'all about dating adventures and life in general. This part of the forum is much my speed now and y'all are a great crowd.
I never really followed along your thread but out of curiosity did browse a bit over lunch. It does on the surface appear that your STBX started dating only after bomb-day as opposed to before. The reality - doesn't matter a lot.
With that said, two of the women I've dated including the one I am getting fairly serious with are not divorced. They both live independent lives and are not sharing the marital home. It's a tricky thing. I know that I had a serious talk with B and made it clear that I would not keep dating her if she had any hopes of reconciliation.
Does that make me OM? Ethically grey. Since they've been separated for almost two years, more light grey than dark.
Would I ever want to meet / interact with either of her past partners? No. Not interested. The kids are all grown on both sides. With my ex's guy who was the OM, I really have no interest in meeting him, but like Dawn, it may well happen at a wedding if S24 ever manages to get a date. I fully expect that everyone will know that we should be kept well apart.
"Open relationships"? Not so much. To me, they almost always involve one person who wants to be unfaithful and another who is so desperate to keep that person that they're willing to go along even though it's not what they want.
Now that's different from being "friends with benefits" or just dating around.
I once dated a guy who was very up front with me about the fact that he didn't "do" relationships. (He was a Love Avoidant - look it up). I always respected the fact that he told me up front and therefore I never expected more from him than he was willing to offer. We always had a lovely time when I would visit him. We had a lot in common intellectually and the (safe) sex was great. But I also understood that he saw other women and he wasn't ever going to be my "boyfriend" in a traditional sense. That was fine with me at the time as I was between boyfriends, and once I started dating a new boyfriend we just became friends (without benefits). Several years later when that relationship was over I dated my Love Avoidant friend again for a while - he was glad to see me and I was glad to have a no-pressure healing place.
I'm in another relationship now but frankly, if this one ends (or if he dies- he has stage 3 lung cancer) I could see myself becoming more like my Love Avoidant friend. I enjoy the company of men but at this stage in my life I don't really need to live with someone.
I didn’t take the comments people wrote as criticizing you for meeting up with new boyfriend. More of making a statement about how that would not work for them personally.
I didn’t wait till after I received my divorce papers to date. My ex had physically left in 2015. The marriage was over. Even after things were filed it took a very long time to actually have the judge sign them.
In hindsight, I didn’t follow red flags or know my worth because I dated too soon after trauma, gaslighting, rejection etc. I used it more as an ego boost I think and I was proving what a great and loyal partner I was to people that didn’t deserve me as a great and loyal partner. I took my ex husbands stated reasons to heart (that I was negative and verbally abusive and I only bought him gift certificates to a car wash for Father’s Day) and tried to be perfect and accepting and non critical and generous. But husbands actions deserved questioning!!!!! And so did the new guy I dated.
My values in seeking someone were also skewed. In my mind, guys that were left behind were the good guys and I didn’t look at stuff I would never have accepted in other phases of my life.
I’m always curious about the people that go for our exes. Seriously. Wouldn’t they do a bit more background work? Like do they just take the whole “ my wife and I are both good people. We just made each other miserable” without questioning the luxury car and minimal visits with son? Or “why did she end a relationship with young kids and a spouse that wasn’t cheating or abusive?”. They don’t seem to look into that. Like her new bf. He met you. Sees that your a god guy. But doesn’t question, hey why did she end that with a good guy. What’s the bigger pic.? He seems ok with the kids, but maybe not very secure or bright? A bit desperate?
Maybe people don’t value family anymore.
Andrew
How come both women are not divorced? I am really curious why that would be a path they would follow. It makes total sense for you to have a conversation with them if a recon is on the cards. Why would you waste time with someone who is ambivalent. It wouldn't be worth it.
kml
There is definitely that dynamic that you've described in some open relationships. But I am also seeing examples where couples are able to execute that type of arrangement - it doesn't mean that it's easy or without pitfalls, but monogamy isn't any insurance against divorce or breakups either. I have no idea whether this kinda arrangement would work for me, but I am definitely interested in exploring what this would look like. I have no desire to get remarried either.
Juju
Our ex's actions definitely deserve questioning. We spend so much time as LBS's blaming ourselves entirely that it takes time to remember that our ex's were party to the deterioration of the marriage as well. I am also definitely curious about the guy who is dating my exW. What was his process of vetting her as a potential partner? What is he looking for? I would definitely have those questions and many more on my mind if I was in his position. Also, I have to remind myself that he got a version of the story from her, and not me. My exW told me that she was unhappy throughout our entire marriage and so much revisionist history - I do clearly remember many many good years together. You would think that meeting me would give him some red flags about exW or even at least question the stories he's been told. His background is interesting and so I am not sure if he's looking to find someone to fill a void. I don't know if both of them are looking to fill that void and if they're desperate. Lots of questions to which I have no answers but I am not going to spend time trying to dissect their R and how they're doing things. I just know that I would've been way more curious and taken things much slower.
I can tell that exW hasn't done the emotional work that she needs to do. From her bf's past marriage, he definitely has a need to do the same. I have no idea if he's done that. But, if he's okay being with exW with her baggage, I get a sense that he hasn't done the internal work himself. It's just not good to see two people who have unaddressed emotional baggage get together. That $hit will catch up to them no doubt and the breakup will be spectacular and painful.
You can't paper over the past with something new and shiny. The shine will come off in a year or two and then what? Well, that's for them to figure out. I can only move forward with me and what works for me.
Sadly, I have noticed over the last 15-20 years that family is not valued the way it used to be.
Marriage has become a common throw away institution now. I constantly see people that have been married and divorced multiple times. They don't think that is an issue at all, and just part of life.
Everyone has been bombarded with the message you should be happy as an individual by any and all means.
We are a culture now driven by pure selfishness.
So people are destroying families and jumping from one marriage to another.
Just keep getting married and hope for the best....
If fact, society does not even consider a family destroyed anymore because of divorce. They say you are just a 'Different family' now... Tell that to the kids who are in horrific pain and fear.
My 14 year old son just won a very prestigious speech competition, against all the private schools in the city.
He spoke of what it's like to be a child of divorce.
Not a dry eye in the room.
Most marriages are ended by women now. Its not that they had bad marriages per sey....... Its just they felt they could get a better one.........
Andrew
How come both women are not divorced? I am really curious why that would be a path they would follow. It makes total sense for you to have a conversation with them if a recon is on the cards. Why would you waste time with someone who is ambivalent. It wouldn't be worth it.
Some divorces take a lot longer than others. I don't regard the time I've spent with either of them as a waste. I made some nice friends.
Whitneypinch
I have heard that statistic as well. That a lot of marriages are ended by women. I don’t buy it. I think statistics can be skewed. I have a hunch that maybe more women are the ones to file for divorce. I did. Cause my lawyer recommended, I do that first and because my ex had left us and refused to pay child support. But I think many women are filing cause the husbands are out cheating or abandoning. That’s not to say women don’t cheat (statistics say more men do) it’s just to say that type of data is black and white and doesn’t say much.
Juju, Whitney, et al.
I have seen it claimed that women file for 70% to 80% of divorce. Now some of these women are filing because of infidelity, abuse, and abandonment. However, with today's self centered, selfish, and disposable mentality it would be interesting to see what the numbers were for women and men filing for divorce because of these aforementioned mindsets. Heck just look at the people who land here. I don't have concrete numbers, but it sure seems like the majority of them are men. I often read and hear how its more and more common for people (men or women) to divorce because they just aren't happy. I have seen numbers that while men tend cheat more often than women, that gap is narrowing. Although from what I gather it seems like when a woman cheats or is just done her chances of comming back are much slimmer than if the roles were reversed.
Ultimately, I think with this whole business of divorce is a multivariate problem. While I do have some theories, I don't have the answers nor the time to thoroughly research said answers.
What I can say is that both myself and my exW were very traditional and were willing to fall on our swords for our family. At some point there became a disconnect and she became one of those chasing happy people....
I think there are a variety of stats out there and it doesn't always give you the full picture. What seems to be clear though is that marriage as an institution is going through a significant change. More so the concept of commitment towards one person.
On a different note - just came back from the lawyers. The separation agreement is done and done. Got it fully executed and it's over with. I do feel a sense of completion and relief. It does put a fine point to the last 2 years and I can now sleep better knowing that all the issues, esp when it comes to the kids, have been sorted out. The D papers are almost ready to go - we can file it online and then the system will take care of it. As I see it, this puts an end to everything.
I don't have any feelings of sadness or regret. I did everything I could and now things have come to their natural conclusion. I can continue to rebuild my life now as I see fit.
M,
I am only an outsider looking in, but from your description it sure seems like your XW and this guy are building a house on a very weak foundation. Like follows like, and they are both probably very needy or emotionally needed people just filling the gap. Her as a WW and him as a LBS. I guess you get to just set back and wait for the fireworks, but at the same time you are going to need to be the rock for your kids.
Personally, I would never do an open relationship. It works against my moral fabric. I have said it before on these forums that I will never get remarried, and I would be interested in a serious monogamous relationship with a woman that preferably would keep her residence while I keep mine. I think its called living together apart. That is what I am shooting for, not sure if there are any women in my age bracket that would go for that.
TF
I can only kinda say from the little I have seen so far, and with the backstory that I know of exW's bf, that how things are progressing seems very limerent and puppy love kinda stuff. The foundation doesn't seem to be good in the sense that both seem to be looking for a partnership to fill some holes in their lives. Hopefully once the limerence stage passes maybe they are able to actually work out the R and make it something stable - I dunno. There are so many examples of people still married and being unhappy.
There is also a lot of pressure at this point to make this R work. There is no way either of them are able to go back to the previous partners. If they were both coming from an abundance mindset, they would've approached the R differently or not be worried about finding the 'one'. But I feel it's coming from a deficit mindset. It's been like 3-4 months and not only did they introduce the kids very early on, but they are practically living together with switching homes depending on the schedules with the kids. It's a bit concerning but nothing I can do about it. It's just frustrating to see exW basically putting what she wants ahead of the kids and I feel that they are getting short changed. But it's her relationship with the kids and she needs to nurture and strengthen that.
For me it's all about the kids and keeping them in a rock solid place. They have that with me for sure. I am making extra sure that they are stable and that they get a lot of quality time with me and we are having fun, doing stuff together, and communicating. So far the kids seemed to be rolling with this situation, but let's see over time what happens.
I've heard a lot about the 'together living apart' situation. seems to be quite a common thing for folks in their later years.
Hey folks!
Just journaling a bit.
I'm really happy with my life and enjoying this new found single life. I am not in the dating pool yet. I just need more time to get some things settled in life. I am loving this super detached mindset. With where I am at in my life and what I want from a partner and life, there is just no way exW has a road back now. She is not the person I want to be with. I am so at peace with that now. I am coming up to 2 years since BD and it's taken that much time to get to this calm zen place.
It is really exciting to be on this side of the tunnel because I just have so much clarity now. I am also very happy with myself and spending time and doing things for myself. A partnership would be great, but I don't feel like I 'need' it and that I am missing something in life.
Hi M!
Glad to read what you posted. Some correction only if you allow me...you are not in a tunnel, you are outside of it long time ago, freely walking your road with dignity and respect. A role model to follow.
Hugs my dear friend.
(((M)))
Hey folks!
Just journaling a bit.
It is really exciting to be on this side of the tunnel because I just have so much clarity now. I am also very happy with myself and spending time and doing things for myself. A partnership would be great, but I don't feel like I 'need' it and that I am missing something in life.
So understand this on so many levels. I saw a thing awhile back that said something to the effect of I don't need someone to complete me because I'm a whole person by myself. How true is that?!?!?! While I have found love again and moving forward, after I worked through all the D stuff, I was quite content in myself and being by myself. I didn't NEED someone else nor did I feel like I was missing something. It really is a great place to be because that is when you really get back to your true self.
Thanks Nef! Appreciate the correction. You are right
much love to you too my friend!
Dawn
I totally cosign not needing someone else to 'complete' me. I am totally complete and fine by myself. I like to think of adding someone to my already abundant and full life. It's such a liberating feeling and I feel amazing every day because of understanding my own worth and value. I am also paying a lot of attention to not paying attention to whatever exW has going on in her life lol. This decluttering of mental space has been rewarding too. When I got to the place of truly knowing that I don't want a recon with her, it was such a peaceful feeling. I have such clarity of what I want in a partner coupled with the fact that I am not in a rush because I am not trying to fill a void in my life, it is truly a gift.
Life is more than good!
Hi Maika.
It's nice to see you on this side of the board. Can I ask where you are from? I'm not sure if I've just missed it, although I totally understand if you do not want to share.
My own view about marriage has always been pretty different than what people have discussed in this thread. I have never believed in God, and marriage for me means just a registered relationship which gives more rights for kids. The initial celebration, wedding, is pretty much the only thing that matters to me as it is a natural way to celebrate the relationship and the love with friends and close ones. I don't see marriage as an everlasting bond that must not be broken, and I am personally quite sure I will marry again some day - not planning it currently though. I am far on the progressive side and you won't find a single bit of conservatism in me, so I guess this is understandable (even though I'm quite right-leaning politically when it comes to monetary side of things).
I understand that people are in vulnerable state. I just think it's not useful to label people based on their decisions. You have one life and you have to make the best of it. Sure there are a lot of marriages that probably could be fixed but also a lot of them where partners have far surpassed the tolerance level. A lot of the time people's needs are not being fulfilled and fixing it is hard. I certainly do not blame my XW of the D because I should have seen the signs a long time ago, however I have come to realize the fact that I just didn't want to because I wasn't happy with her either. So, I would say the amount of divorces could also be high because people choose wrong partners at the beginning and just make it work until it falls apart. Only when you know yourself fully can you find a partner who is a proper match.
About meeting XWs BF - I think if my XW would ever break up with her bf, the next one I could meet properly. I respect your decision to have a talk with your XWs bf, I just personally would see it as quite insecure to lay out rules for him in a meeting. I trust that my XW chose him by keeping his suitability as a 'step-dad' in mind.
Please keep us updated about your D
Have a great weekend.
LC.
Hey LC! Appreciate the comments.
I live in N.America but I am not originally from here. I moved to pursue further education and then settled here. About marriage - I am not sure that it is a path that I would want to take again. I perfectly content with the idea of having a solid partnership with someone. With BD being way past in the timeline and with the benefit of being further and further away from the 'event', my perspectives have certainly evolved as I am not in a panic state. So much of my journey required me to not only understand my failings in the marriage and as a person, but also forgiving myself for that and recognizing that I did the best I could in my circumstances and context - dealing with depression and trauma and how that impacted my ability to function fully. I certainly wasn't the man that I wanted to be at that point in time and that contributed to the deterioration of the marriage. But if I can take that perspective and have self-compassion, it is incumbent upon me to do the same towards exW. She did the best she could with what she had. The way she approached it with BD was terrible for sure, but I also hurt her over time. So I can't get to blame her for what she did and not see my actions that led to it as well. So I have more compassion towards her now even though what she did caused me pain. I recognize that I also caused her pain. We just hurt each other in different ways. So I am at a place where I don't hold it against her anymore.
About meeting her bf - I thought about it for a while and worked through my emotions before I met him. I was going to take the approach to lay down the law, but I decided against that precisely for the reasons you mentioned. I wasn't insecure about my status as a parent and my relationships with the kids is super solid. I wanted to meet him to get a glimpse of who is going to be around my kids on a regular basis. I didn't lay down any kinds of laws. We just had a pleasant chat and I told him what my priorities are in life when it comes to the kids and what I value. He shared his journey as a parent and a bit about himself. I have seen him on many more occasions and observed and seems to be a good man and a good father. I also felt relieved meeting him because now I knew who was around my kids.
I just want to add that all of this depends on context and where people are in their journey. What I did worked for me and it may not work for someone else. If the bf was an affair partner, this would've been out of the question. I have no place in questioning whether someone would do as I have done because it's really not my place. There is certainly no 'correct' way to go about this. I did what works for me.
On a different note, I've been super busy with work and also been a bit sick and haven't had time to get the D paperwork done. I need to get some stuff notarized and I hope to do it next week and then submit everything. It's really procedural at this point and I just need to make some time to do it.
Life in general is quite good and I am content. Making some moves in my professional career and potentially start some side projects by the end of the year, which is really exciting. Kids are doing great and I am looking forward to some down time this summer and visit family and spend time on the beach
Haven't updated in a while cuz nothing new has really happened. I've been so busy that I've not had a chance to go get the D paperwork notarized. My plan is to do that next week and get it all submitted. ExW hasn't pushed on it so that's I guess the most interesting part of it all.
I was reading Ginger's thread and had a question. Thought I'd ask in my own thread rather than hijack hers.
What's been people's experience putting down that they have kids in the OLD profile? I definitely wouldn't put any pics of my kids on OLD, but I am debating whether to say I have kids or not. I am off OLD right now, but when I was on for a few weeks early in the year, I got no hits. the profile was good and I asked a couple of friends to vet it. Still no luck. I also live in a small-ish city but that shouldn't be a huge factor. So, I am thinking that me saying that I have kids might've been it. I could be wrong.
I am wondering if there is a better way to go about this. I don't want to deceive anyone deliberately about having kids, but at the same time I wonder if it is too much information up front.
Would love people's thoughts on this.
I'm older and my kids are grown so I never really had that issue. I do have two grown sons and my mother living with me but I didn't put that in my profile - that was a discussion for a coffee date. I'd say if you think it's a factor in not getting hits, just leave it out altogether and discuss it at your first coffee date. In fact, if I had young kids I probably wouldn't mention it on my profile for fear of attracting pedophiles.
While I'm in a similar situation to kml (my children are adults), I disagree with her. My kids are out doing their own thing, but I still put on my profile that I have kids (no pictures, just a mention) and even grandkids (again, no pictures, just a mention). I think if your kids are adults, it is fine to leave them off, like kml said, but if they are under 18, it seems a little dishonest to me to not at least mention them because odds are that they are staying with you at least part of the time so that is a very real part of what your time is dedicated to.
I think the small place you live might be a bigger factor than you think. I had that same issue as well initially. I live in a very small town and originally, I had the location set to a very small surrounding area and I was getting NO hits. Once I expanded my area a bit to include some larger cities nearby me, I got more "traffic" so to speak.
If you think it is about the kids, then you have to do what you think is right and I am only speaking for myself here, but because I'm a mom, I didn't mind coming across men with kids. I actually preferred it, in fact. And, honestly, if I liked a guy initially from his profile but I didn't find out until later that he had kids, that might give me a little pause, wondering why he hid that, even if he wasn't necessarily trying to be deceptive. I'm sure that makes no sense and I sound crazy now, but hopefully you get my point.
I’m in a different phase of life where a lot of single (divorced) men do have young kids. If a guy did not disclose he had children, it would be a red flag for me. I would make-up that he’s ashamed of having kids, maybe is an absent father, maybe he is the one that instituted the divorce to ditch the family responsibilities and live the free life..... etc etc.
Think of it this way.... maybe it’s not about generating a ton of interest via old, but moreso quality interest.
I would divulge the fact that you have kids. Don’t want to waste anyone’s time.
It wasn’t your kids. I look for guys WITH kids. And if someone doesn’t look at your profile because you do have kids, how is that person going to work for you?
It’s probably something else. Not that there is anything wrong with you per day, but wording certain things certain ways and certain pictures will give me a no.
A selfie in a bathroom, especially one in which you see the toilet. NO.
Gym selfies . NO.
A negative profile listing everything they DON’T want in a woman Also no.
If you want to share your profile, we could help
To add to Ginger's no list (because all her nos will also get a no from me too....what IS it with bathroom selfies? Ugh!):
pics with sunglasses so that I can't see your eyes
too many "bro" pics so that I can't really distinguish you from the pack (yes, by all means, have friends and hang out and have fun with them, but do not inundate your profile with a ton of frat boy wanna be pics)
negative self-talk or just negativity in general (like G was saying)
referring to yourself in the 3rd person (Maika likes this, Maika doesn't like that....yes, those profiles exist and they are the most pretentious things I have ever read)
I totally agree with what Pax said above that if a guy doesn't put that he's a father and I find out later he is, the first thing I think is that he's an absentee and/or deadbeat dad and I just can't go down that road, personally. (Not saying you are those things, but just saying that is how they come across to me personally when someone is a dad but they don't come out and say that initially.)
M - I made it very clear in my profile that I am the father of 2 girls. In fact it was my first or second sentence. I also included a picture of me and my girls in my profile. It was a full body shot of us all on Easter Sunday.
My daughters are chic magnets!!!
Thanks everyone for the feedback.
Yeah a potential partner has to be cool with me having kids and understand that I am a super involved parent. I also want them to be a good role model / influence on my kids - not being a mother because the kids have a mother, but being an overall good person who can love my children and develop a meaningful relationship with them. I know this is like me getting ahead of myself, but I need to see those traits in a potential partner.
On that level it makes it important that if someone decides to message me and wants to go on a date with me, they know the info about me having young kids and that I have them 50/50 time shared with their mother. On a different note, I also don't want to waste my time and someone else's time if having kids is a dealbreaker for them.
In my pics, I had a 2 individual ones of me; 1 group shot; and 1 where I was engaged in a hobby. No selfies or bathroom shots or sunglasses. No excessive make-up either
The profile section didn't allow for too much text, but I had something as follows.
Spicy food connoisseur and meditation enthusiast. When I don't have my 2 young kids with me (50/50 time split with their mother), you can find me rock climbing, strength training, going for walks on trails, or buried in a book. If you love mountains over beaches, let's grab a drink.
I felt really stupid writing that but all of it is true. I feel like I am marketing myself. Anyways, that's the name of the game.
I am thinking of getting back on OLD and I kinda want to put my best foot forward. I am fairly decent looking and in good shape, but I am not very photogenic. I know that I come across way better in person with my personality and confidence with women but it didn't previously translate into anything interesting.
Trynna up my game DB folks!
Maika,
In OLD it states I have kids. Not how many or ages or pictures of them. If a woman is interested in me I work it into the conversation so they know I have kids and I coparent 50/50. I can date in age ranges where women don't have kids yet, and they need to know this. Especially since my kids are all under the age of 10.
Make sure your profile has at least 1 full body shot. At least 1 head shot with a smile. No bathroom pics, but gym pics are ok if you are a serious gym rat. Only 1 picture with sunglasses, women want to see your eyes. I hear from women that a lot of guys take pics with there dog which I guess works for some people. Many women tell me its a bit cliche and doesn't distinguish yourself. If you have to do selfies keep it to 1.
If you are OLD don't do the penpal garbage. Try to move it off the site and to a phone and/or drink date pretty early on.
You are marketing yourself, and the first date is like the first job interview.
So glad that I randomly came across a woman that I really really get along with. Really didn't feel like navigating the dating scene.
Thanks TF and ST.
So, ladies. You asked me for what my profile was. It went kinda like this. Can I get some feedback? Gents welcome too
Spicy food connoisseur and meditation enthusiast. When I don't have my 2 young kids with me (50/50 time split with their mother), you can find me rock climbing, strength training, going for walks on trails, or buried in a book. If you love mountains over beaches, let's grab a drink.
M....IMO you might change up your opening sentence and re-word a couple of things. Nothing wrong with spicy food and meditation but that would not be the first thing I would want someone to know about me (unless that is very important to you). Also, the sentence about your kids to me reads like you don't do anything when you have them. You might try something like this. "I am the father of two amazing kids that I have 50% of the time." In my free time I enjoy, etc. etc. etc. or something like that. It's all in how you spin it.
Can you throw some humor in there? Girls like to laugh. I know you like to cook...what about that????
Thanks for the feedback J. That was very helpful. What did you have as an opening sentence? I am just trying to get inspiration on how to structure it. Your point about humor and also how to talk about my kids is hugely helpful. I can see now that what I have reads like I am a deadbeat dad lol.
No worries.....I had help with mine.
I am 6'2 ladies so you can wear your heals. Mornings in the gym and chill at night, fun, happy, and active. I am the father of two amazing girls and a couple of pups. Like the Beach? Let's go!
Definitely go with humor! Funny is a very good thing.
Maybe I'm wrong on this but do you even need to mention that you have your kids 50% of the time or that you share custody with their mom? To me both the way you worded it and the way J9 worded it seem like you are a part-time dad, which I guess technically you are, but in your heart you are a full-time dad who just happens to only see his kids half the time, if that makes sense. You have described yourself several times in posts as a very involved dad, which I have no doubt is true. I guess my point is if it were me, I would leave it at "father of 2 amazing kids" and then if you are really interested in someone and they ask about kids, then you can say you have them 50% of the time and get more into the logistics of how your custody works. That isn't necessarily something that everyone needs to know and there may be some crazies that read that you are with your kids 50% of the time so that means they can have you the other 50% and you may not want them having that much of your time. See what I'm saying? LOL
I would even take out the amount of custody you have of your kids. Save that for conversation.
Also, what dating site are you on? That really has to do with who you attract likewise
Fantastic! Thanks so much. Ladies getting so hung up on the height thing lol. I read how many women won't even deal with a profile if it doesn't have height. Looks like the work is cut out for me. I'll try and redo this and post it back here and get some feedback again. Gotta go get some new recent pics and hopefully should be good to go soon. Gonna hit up the free apps first, and see how it rolls.
Just saw your comments Dawn and Ginger. That makes a lotta sense about leaving the custody stuff out. I am not on any site right now, but just gearing up to get out on the market. I think I will probably start with Bumble. I dunno about Tinder, but I might give it a shot. Any suggestions?
I did not like Tinder. I liked Bumble although your game needs to be tight. People make quick decisions on the swiping apps so your pictures better be money. I had a buddy and his wife take pictures for me. His wife and her friends vetted them out.
I met the Dr. on Match.
Think about how you can use some humor, try to make it light and not so serious. Girls want to laugh and envision what their life would be like if they chose you. Give them the dream M.
"I love rock climbing, I have been known to hang a little to the right"...….
I see women being hung up on height much like men being hung up on weight. I saw LOTS of men's profiles that said something to the effect of "if you weigh over" or "if you are plus-size", don't bother messaging me. I am not trying to start a debate about people's health and I am fully aware that people can diet and lose weight, so that isn't my point. I also know, as someone will inevitably think and maybe even point out, height is out of a person's control but weight isn't. My overall point here is that if a woman is going to be so shallow as to look past you because you don't measure up to some idealized height standard, then she isn't the one for you anyway. I'm a tall woman (5'11") so I absolutely prefer tall men, but I would never rule someone out because they were shorter than me, anymore than I would rule out someone who was significantly heavier or lighter than me. Those women who basically post "no short dudes" are just as bad as the dudes who post "no fat chicks", in my opinion.
Be strong and confident and you will attract quality women. Don't worry about women who have hang-ups about specific things that you have absolutely no control over. That's on them.
Hahahahah! I almost spit out my coffee reading that J. That's a bit risque lol, but definitely funny.
Dawn - thanks for the feedback. Yeh, I don't want to date someone who is hung up about things I can't control. And I would extend the same level of courtesy as well. I come across really confident and personable in person and I need to translate that into the online apps. I have a good idea what to do with my profile now and will take a new set of pics and see how things go.
Great thing about being on this side of the forum is all y'all OLD vets
LOL.....I would not advise using that but you get the drift.
We all have tastes and preferences but at minimum M you have to feel some level of attraction.
Definitely! Alright, Bumble here I come... in the next week or so. And then maybe the paid apps. Thanks a ton folks for helping me clean up my OLD act
Hey Maika
I just signed up for OLD as well. I agree with everyone else. Humor helps so much. Maybe add a sentence of what types of books you enjoy. I always take note of that and if a guy reads similar books that I do, it makes for easy conversation and I take note.
But I do think it’s a numbers game. Are you writing to women? When you write to them are you making it known that you read their profile? I get that you might not get back a response. But how long does it take to read a profile? 45 seconds? To write a message? 2 minutes? That’s not much of an investment. Just make sure your messages aren’t generic “hi how are you” or “great profile and great pics”. Someone posted something they obviously cut and pasted and reuse over and over that tells me about them (like another profile) and then they write “tag. Your it” meaning, I’m supposed to respond. The guys I feel safer about responding to are the ones that brought up something I wrote about.
Google okcupid blog most effective openers for a good article based on their research
Thanks Juju. Yeah, I am not going to go for generic messages. I know it's a numbers game, but I don't want to waste my time on a date with someone when we may not have much in common. I am not desperate to just go out on dates. I know that most of them won't go the distance, but at least if I am investing some time, I'd like to have a good time and having common interests can facilitate that.
kml - thanks for the tip. I'll check it out.
Haven't taken the dating plunge yet, but probably by the end of summer.
Not sure if I had mentioned it on this side the board, but I had injured my hand and knee in an indoor climbing incident last summer and I was out for a whole year. Put a huge damper on my spirits and my GAL and other things took a hit. I hadn't worked out in a while as well because of the injuries. But, I am almost healed and I restarted climbing few weeks back and I am taking it slow. Not tackling the hard stuff and getting back to where I left off, but I am not too far off now.
I also rejigged my schedule and added more GAL. I rejoined a local gym and I go every day now after work, which has just been so amazing. The gym also has classes and started taking yoga once a week, which has helped my knee a lot too. Trying to strengthen it and using different tactics to get there - strength training, yoga, and meditation.
Also started my routine of going to the movies once a week. I love the local indie theatre and they play off-beat and foreign films and it's been a blast.
I am also in the process of making moves in my professional career. I've exhausted my skill set where I am at and there is no room to move up. So, I am in preliminary conversations about a different role with a different team and hopefully it pans out - more dollars and more responsibility in areas that I want to further my skills and take my career. So, the good news is slowly pouring in, but I am hella patient lol.
Things with exW are settled and predictable. She and her bf have done a full kinda blend of families now and it just sounds ridiculous and exhausting. Taking care of 2 kids is a lotta work, now they have to do it for 4 lol. Well, that's their deal and hopefully it's gonna work out for them.
Life is good and I am getting better physically and mentally. Not being physically active has had a brutal consequence in the gym - got so weak lol. But, I am building it back up diligently and it's nice to have that perverse pleasure from muscle soreness the next day.
Saving up $$$ for getting my full sleeve done by next summer. Gonna cost me 2-3k. But, it's my gift to me before I turn 40
Nice update M....it sounds like you are getting your mojo back!
So great to hear how well you are doing Maika!!! Congrats!!!
In a bit of a funk today! haven't updated in a while and I thought I'd come by and give a bit of a report.
Just found out that exW is looking for a house, potentially with the new squeeze. Things have moved at a rapid lightning pace, since it's like about half a year since they've been dating. They blended families in like a couple of months and now they're looking to buy a house together.
Kinda feels like a kick in the nut$.
My ego is feeling bruised and battered. I am also feeling that I am not able to provide everything for my kids - a house with a pool and a dog. Feeling a bit emasculated in this whole thing.
I know intellectually that this is all just my insecurities and me comparing things when I should be doing other things. Just feels like exW's replacement process of me is coming to a full circle. She's getting back to where she broke things off with me - the house with the pool minus the dog, which we would've eventually gotten.
Just wanted to put my thoughts out as I am feeling a bit down. I know I'll get past it, but it kinda $uck$ right now.
Just remember that this is an indication of how out of her mind SHE is. Instead of doing the intelligent adult thing of waiting on that before introducing your kids, and waiting like ne'er before trying to be the Brady Bunch, she's diving right in like driving off a cliff. Odds are it won't end well.
My XH did the same thing Maika. We separated in late September but he wouldn’t even call it a separation until he hit me with a separation agreement in December. Since then, he has gone all in with OW. They bought a house together, went on a vacation, got engaged and are planning a wedding for next July. It would be comical if it weren’t so pathetic. Honestly, I think they rush things like this in order to justify their actions in blowing up their families and to avoid facing themselves. After all, if they don’t go all in, what was it all about anyway? No matter...we know this is about them and not about us. I know it $uck$ but it also helps us LBSs move on as well. She’s going ahead full speed. Eventually things will slow down and she will wake up one day with the same feelings of disillusionment that she did with you and maybe, just maybe, realize it wasn’t all about the other person. No matter. You will be long gone by then and enjoying a much better life. (((HUGS)))
Sorry M....my x sort of did the same thing. I know [censored] early on but give yourself time. In the end you will prevail.
I am starting to feel my own level of emotional shift take place. It just takes time.
I understand, M. It hurts! My XH and separated in late September and were divorced by mid-December. In early January, he's all of a sudden in a new relationship with the "love of his life" and making plans to move to her home state (1500 miles away from ours), which he does in late January following our divorce. They ultimately married in June of the following year and as far as I know are still together and he is still living in her home state, though he told me and his children all along (have no idea why he told me because I couldn't have cared less) that he would be moving back to Arkansas within a year or so because he wanted to move back before the grandkids were old enough to forget him. Oops...too late!
I say all of that to say that, there will come a point in your future where it just doesn't hurt anymore. It will just be like you wake up one day and you just don't care. It is like you can finally see the other person in a different light and it is not nearly as flattering a light as you saw them when you were in the fog of love that you once felt for that person. There is no certain timeline and it is likely different for everyone. But like J9 said, give yourself some time and it WILL happen. You'll just find this peace about the whole thing.
To speak to what you said (and I think it is great that you already realize it), comparing does nothing but hurt you, so stop that! You can easily fall into the trap of "oh XW has it so great while I'm struggling" while in reality, you have NO idea what crap they are dealing with behind closed doors, but I guarantee you, it is not all sunshine and roses for them because they moved SO fast and cracks WILL start to show at some point, if they haven't already.
So, relax, focus on yourself, take care of you and move forward.
Thanks everyone for your kind words.
What's really improved for me is my ability to bounce back to a positive attitude and letting a wider perspective in. I think that the full detachment journey takes its time and I can't necessarily rush it. I am looking at things that are in my control and making better decisions and moves to improve my life.
The house has always kind of been a sore point for me. exW did BD less than six months after we purchased our dream home - perfect for both of us and the kids. It finally felt like I had arrived in life as an adult lol. With all that being ripped apart in such a short amount of time, the hurt from that particular thing hasn't healed as fast as I had hoped. I know that it's just a house - bricks and walls. It wasn't the 'home' that we would've created together over years. I am missing the idea of 'home'.
I had to move from a decent townhouse to a crappier apartment to be in the kids school district and also to save some $$$. It's a wealthy neighborhood and so my options for renting something decent are very limited. And I don't have the $$ to buy a house any time soon. So, I have to start thinking about what to do. Homes that exW is looking at are outside the school district as far as I know, which means that I have to get something in a very small district that can work financially for me - this will be a challenge.
I put so much stock into having a 'house' that I forgot about the kinds of experiences that I want my kids to have. So, I am developing a list of experiences and things we can do over the next many years that can contribute to a good life for them, rather than thinking that a house will automatically fill that void.
I have to improve my financial condition and so I am focusing on that right now. Getting a better job with higher pay so that I can figure out how to afford better living conditions and pay for the types of experiences we want to have, especially travel stuff.
I had a fantastic weekend with the kids and I am looking forward to August when I have time off to do a buncha stuff with them. Some lazy days on the beach and desserts
I am sure exW's relationship can't be all that rosy and full of sunshine. Research shows that the first six months to a year, everyone is experiencing a high and then it comes down as reality sets in. We'll see how they deal with that especially because they've moved so fast, which in itself is a bit absurd. Oh well - they can sit in this pile because they created it.
I am back on track and feeling much better and hopeful and optimistic. I love this community.
Do you HAVE to be in the wealthy school district? Is there one nearby that's ok but just a little more middle class?
I ask because my experience with my kids in our wealthy local schools was that while they had generally good teachers, as they got older the effects of being in school with rich kids who had too much money and too little parental supervision was less than ideal. I wish in retrospect that we had lived in one of the nearby areas that were still good but not as wealthy.
I don't HAVE to be in this school district. The elementary school in that district is one of the top in the city and my experience with them has been amazing. Because we moved so much, we had to shuffle the kids schools (especially my son as he was older), and we had some crappy experiences with some of the schools. We bought the house specifically so that the kids could go to this school.
I am really hesitant to move them out to a different school because from all of the chaos that has happened over the last 2 years, this school has been the foundational rock for the kids. The teachers are quite amazing and the kids really love being there. Changes have been hard on them and with my son having been in like 4 schools already in his life, having found a great stable school environment for him has been really positive.
The neighborhood is generally more well-off financially, but there are a couple of pockets like the building I live in which has more middle-class and lower income families. This kinda evens out things at school and I haven't seen kids there being too flashy or have a rich kid snotty attitude. I am sure there are a few kids like that but the overall tenor of the school is very down to earth and friendly.
My son has three years before he moves to middle school and my daughter has five years. If I can secure some kinda housing that is bit better than right now, I'll be fine. I am looking into it to see what I can do. Part of this is me just increasing my income and seeing what I can rent that won't kill my finances.
There is another school nearby that is quite decent as well and I wish we had bought the house in that district. At least I would've had more options and would be able to keep the continuity for the kids. I do have some time so it's not like I need to find a new place by next month, but by next summer would be ideal.
exW messaged me about being in the final process of closing on a house. Surprisingly, I didn't feel anything in terms of an emotional reaction. I think having that reaction earlier and getting past it made me deal with the news pretty well.
Thinking through the process of what I want to achieve with my kids over the next few years and what my priorities are made have better perspective on it. I just need to roll on with my life and make it the best I can with the kiddos.
I am making some professional moves and applying for better positions with better income - making that my main goal so I can get my finances in order and be in a better place for me and the kids. Also, I want to have a place I can invite people over, and dates potentially, and the current situation doesn't really allow for that.
All in all, things are good and I am hoping to get to a stronger place by the end of the year.
M - I think what I have learned most through this process is that you have to feel good about yourself. You have to be happy with yourself and feeling confident.
IMO when you get to that point you will no longer be concerned about your XW and what she is or is not doing.
You have overcome a lot since BD and I know you will overcome this as well. Your focus is exactly where it should be!
Keep trucking!!
Yeh J - You're right on the money on that one. I let my internal work slip a bit last 10 months because I got injured and that put a damper on everything on top of what was going on. Kinda back to full swing of things now and making good progress. I am just trying to be my best self and be happy with who I am. I know the improvements I am working on, but I am trying to shut out all the outside noise that is making me feel like I am not doing enough.
what XW is doing is just so absurd from my perspective, but I hope it works out. Blending families and now buying a house together in six months is just bananas. With what I know of her bf's backstory, I don't know if he's done much internal work either and this just screams desperation and co-dependency to me. Oh well! It's their mess to deal with.
I just don't understand how either of them think these are good decisions. But, all I am watching is how kids are doing and being the stable rock for them in all of this madness.
I have the exact same thing going on in my sitch Maika...desperation and co-dependency. Yes...that's it exactly. I, too, hope it works out...for my kids' sake. I could care less about the two of them. They deserve each other as far as I am concerned. Glad you are back to working on you and being happy. (((HUGS)))
Your own inner light is showing you the way M!. You are who you are. And that´s all you need!
((((M))))
Thanks folks! Yeah I am back to taking better care of my mental and emotional health and loving life. ((HUGS))
Good for you M......that is where you will make the most strides! Don't forget to chat it up with the ladies...………..
Quick update - submitted all the D paperwork and now it's just a waiting game. Usually it gets all sealed up in a month and hopefully by the end of this month, I will be D'd. Yeaaay! I know weird thing to feel this way but it will be a good final mental and emotional break.
Good for you my dear friend. Keep moving forward, always shining bright.
Hugs for you and the kids
(((M)))
Thanks Nef for the support. Moving forward and being the light for the kids.
Nothing new to report. Now and then W reacts to things in a way that shows that she's still not done her emotional work and projects her emotions on to me. I just dust it off and keep truckin'. She's busy with her new house and blending families and getting that going. I am staying in my lane and building a fulfilling life for myself, which right now doesn't have space for a partner. I am definitely emotionally ready for it, but still want to get to a good place in terms of my career and health before I can entertain a partner. I am totally happy and cool with that and I still don't feel a rush to go out and date. I am enjoying my life with the kids and that's pretty satisfying for now.
I am back on track with my nutrition, working out, and sleep schedule, which has been nice. I let my health down slide during vacation in the summer and I really felt it. So, back on track and already lost a buncha weight and getting my gains back in the gym. Career stuff might take a new turn if all goes well with a new team, but it's taking longer than I had anticipated. Exercising a lot of patience lol. All in all, quite good.
Hey, Maika!
I've been off the grid for a while so am just now seeing your update. Good stuff! Are you climbing again or still out with the injury (was it a knee issue?) Your light has always been shining, as many of us on here can attest to. Your kids are lucky to have you!
Stay well!
Hey Davide!!
Glad to hear from you. I hope life off the grid is getting better. I am doing well. W has been procrastinating about filing D papers and it just boggles my mind why it's taken so long. I gave her everything from my end 2 months ago and she still hasn't filed. I don't understand it, but oh well, it's in her court now. Considering the situation, they will get filed, but it's just annoying that it's taking this long.
I am back to climbing for sure. The knee is almost 100%. I am doing physical rehab 3 times a week to strengthen the knee when I go strength training. It's coming along nicely. I hope to be fully healed up by the end of the year.
Thanks again for the kind words and you are a DB jedi as well. Life with the kids is great and I am working on being better with them every day. Some days are better than others but I am still learning and doing the work.
Give us an update whenever you have a chance!
Maika, I'm not sure my XW ever would have filed if I didn't pressure her about it. I really don't think she wanted to be married anymore, but she didn't particularly care about being divorced either. Weird, isn't it? Who knows what they're thinking!
Sounds like you are doing well Maika!!! When you decide to start dating again, you are going to find someone great, I just know it!! In the meantime, I hope things at work play out the way you hope they will. (((HUGS)))
AS - I know I know.... still dunno what they're thinking. She's shacked up with her new man and they bought a new house together, and she's procrastinating on the D papers.... WTF LOL!!!!!!
DV - Thanks a lot. Yeah I am doing phenomenal and inching my way towards the good things in life... not waiting by trynna make it happen through patience and consistency. I am looking forward to the dating world sometime in 2020..
In other news... after a protracted battle with nicotine, I finally won the war and been smoke free for a week now. I know I am still in the vulnerable zone and need to be vigilant... but I feel hella amazing already and looking forward to a healthy smoke-free life from now on
Sooooo.. been away from here for a long time and what a ridiculous time it has been with the pandemic. i see some of the ol' timers still here and not sure if folks will remember me, but I thought I'd pop in for an update.
The pandemic has been hard mentally, physically, and emotionally - I am sure everyone here has been strongly impacted. It's been a difficult time and just been trying to keep everything above water here, with myself and the kids. the last time I wrote, I was getting in a good space and everything was finally clicking and the pandemic has basically undone most of it. I feel like I am finally climbing out now out of just trying to cope and manage. Was about to dip my feet into the dating scene and then it all went south, so put all of those plans on hold.
In terms of the D and the ex - got my D papers done finally in Oct 2020 and that was a huge relief.
Ex's relationship with the dumba$$ imploded in Dec 2020 and she moved out and got a new place. A lot of drama as they had bought the house together and in Nov 2020 he proposed to her and she said yes. But then, some really horrific details came to light which impacted my kids, particularly my youngest D, and everything came to an end. I was a mess and so enraged at her and the whole situation, but I made sure to just be there for the kids and provide them with stability and safety. This is where exW's long string of terrible decisions came to an end and hopefully she's learned something from this. I can't even stand her anymore and keep my communications to a minimum and stay civil for the kids.
So on top of the pandemic, a lot of stress was inserted into mine and the kids lives and I feel like we're just coming to a good place now. I relapsed on the smoking and I'm just getting to a place where I feel like I have something in the tank to take it head-on. Feel like I've just become do mentally and emotionally brittle in the last year, but the gym is opening up soon and I plan to get back in that groove to get some sanity back.
I'll check out the other threads over time and see how things are. I see that J9 has also gone AWOL but I hope he's doing well with his doc lady - hey J, if you see this, come back and give us an update. I think I saw LH and AS around - well hope you guys are doing good.
Hi Maika. Great to hear from you! Glad you are doing well. I hear you about disliking your ex. I’m trying to like mine but he makes it tough sometimes. He’s borderline rude when I see him in person. It’s nothing he says, it’s just his energy towards me. It’s hard to explain but it feels like he has somehow turned things around in his mind so that I am the bad guy in our situation which is so the opposite to reality. But I guess one has got find a way to look in the mirror and that’s how he does it. No matter. You can still coparent with someone if you put your kids first. He spent years doing the opposite of that but he seems to be somewhat trying now. Ah well…
Sorry about the horrific details you mentioned. I hope your kids are okay and moving forward.
Fingers crossed you are able to get to the gym soon and kick the smoking habit for good. (((HUGS)))
Maika,
I wasn't around here when you first started posting, but saw your update and read through your latest thread. Sorry if I'm going back two years now, but...
ExW is already dating someone and they're going ahead full-steam with the blended situation. It's only been like 3 months but they both are moving ahead like their R is on a bullet train. lol. It's amusing to watch and a part of me is wary because if things don't work out, it will impact the kids. They see her bf and his kids regularly and it's a full on blended family. I am not surprised - exW has never been the patient type and the backstory on this guy makes me wonder if both of them are just trying to find someone and then stick with it come hell or high water.
This sounds very similar to my ExW. Moved OM2 in with her and the kids within a month of moving out with me. They've
seemingly been a "happy family" since.
I hope I am wrong and that this sticks and they can make it work. I know it's a strange thing to say as the LBS but I ain't taking her back so for her and kids sake, I hope it works out.
I'm definitely not there yet! LOL
I am not out dating yet as I want the D papers to be done with - maybe I am a bit traditionalist at heart which goes right against what I just wrote about relationship models. Maybe I want to get the marriage 'over' by the books and then go see what's out there in candy land.
Same here. I purposefully waited until the D was completely finalized. Was a moral thing for me as well as the ability to tell my kids (someday if they ask) that I didn't do anything outside the marriage.
I am only an outsider looking in, but from your description it sure seems like your XW and this guy are building a house on a very weak foundation. Like follows like, and they are both probably very needy or emotionally needed people just filling the gap. Her as a WW and him as a LBS. I guess you get to just set back and wait for the fireworks, but at the same time you are going to need to be the rock for your kids.
Just found out that exW is looking for a house, potentially with the new squeeze. Things have moved at a rapid lightning pace, since it's like about half a year since they've been dating. They blended families in like a couple of months and now they're looking to buy a house together.
Kinda feels like a kick in the nut$.
My ego is feeling bruised and battered. I am also feeling that I am not able to provide everything for my kids - a house with a pool and a dog. Feeling a bit emasculated in this whole thing.
I know intellectually that this is all just my insecurities and me comparing things when I should be doing other things. Just feels like exW's replacement process of me is coming to a full circle. She's getting back to where she broke things off with me - the house with the pool minus the dog, which we would've eventually gotten.
Just wanted to put my thoughts out as I am feeling a bit down. I know I'll get past it, but it kinda $uck$ right now.
I just got an email two weeks ago ExW is buying a new house ("it'll be more room for me and the kids")...across the street from OM2's sister! I have the same feelings you did with the "drag and drop" / "full circle" life replacement of me and my family with OM2 & his.
Sooooo.. been away from here for a long time and what a ridiculous time it has been with the pandemic. i see some of the ol' timers still here and not sure if folks will remember me, but I thought I'd pop in for an update.
Glad you came back! I think it's great when folks provide updates. I know many (myself included) learn a great deal from the experience.
The pandemic has been hard mentally, physically, and emotionally - I am sure everyone here has been strongly impacted. It's been a difficult time and just been trying to keep everything above water here, with myself and the kids. the last time I wrote, I was getting in a good space and everything was finally clicking and the pandemic has basically undone most of it. I feel like I am finally climbing out now out of just trying to cope and manage. Was about to dip my feet into the dating scene and then it all went south, so put all of those plans on hold.
Sorry about the pandemic set back. It's been such a crazy year and a half for everyone. Glad to hear you're climbing out of it.
In terms of the D and the ex - got my D papers done finally in Oct 2020 and that was a huge relief.
Must be good to have that settled, and help you continue to move forward.
x's relationship with the dumba$$ imploded in Dec 2020 and she moved out and got a new place. A lot of drama as they had bought the house together and in Nov 2020 he proposed to her and she said yes. But then, some really horrific details came to light which impacted my kids, particularly my youngest D, and everything came to an end. I was a mess and so enraged at her and the whole situation, but I made sure to just be there for the kids and provide them with stability and safety. This is where exW's long string of terrible decisions came to an end and hopefully she's learned something from this. I can't even stand her anymore and keep my communications to a minimum and stay civil for the kids.
Interesting you went from meeting him early on to calling him "the dumba$$". Sounds like a lot transpired. You and others on here commented initially your Ex and him were building a house/life on a weak foundation, and based on your latest update that seems to have played out. I'm currently in the situation you were a year or two ago...my now ExW moved OM2 with the kids and dreamed of a new life with him almost immediately and is buying a new house across the street from his sister's place. So I'm extra curious to see what insights you have into the perception of their happy little family that broke down or . Also, how are your kids doing through all this? Sounds like sometime bad happen with your daughter? I'm sorry to hear they had to go through a lot.
If you have time and are willing, I'd appreciate you reading through my sitch and weighing in, in light of your similar experience. I wonder if me and my kids are a year or two behind you and your kids.
Thanks for your kind words DejaVu.
I guess my dislike for her wouldn't be this way if her actions had not done major harm to the kids. Recently, I see a different demeanor from her but I don't trust it just yet. Maybe she's turning things around and what happened is a major wake up call for her. But I need more time to see if this is really a real change or if it's just her way of keeping status quo. Time will tell.
Yes, the gym is coming soon and I'm putting in serious effort on the smoking. Hope things are well on your end.
Hey BL42!
Thanks for checking out my sitch! I wasn't sure if I was ever going to come back here but there was a major update and I thought I'd come and share.
I'll definitely check out your sitch and if I have anything worthwhile to add, I definitely will.
Sounds like your exW is using the same script as mine did - BD, move in with OM as fast as possible, create a new 'happy' life and pretend like nothing has ever changed. The only thing changed was who she's with. All I can say is that she's running away from all her problems and issues and wants to paper over the past with something new and shiny.
Even if this event involving my D wouldn't have happened, I doubt the R my exW ran into at light speed would've lasted long. What kind of person do you have to be to date someone who has ended their marriage recently and not put in any work? You also have to be emotionally and mentally insecure trying to find something to fill in the void that exists. I would take that as a huge red flag and run in the opposite direction rather than date someone like that. I suspect the OM in your case is just a tool for her to run away from her issues and vice versa. Things won't end well, or if they continue, it will be an acrimonious relationship - i'd rather be single than have that.
In terms of me meeting the boy who masquerades as a man, it was a gamble. He was going to be around my kids very regularly. So, I'd rather at least put a face to a name rather than pretend he wasn't around. Also, my exW wanted me to badly meet him so that she could pretend she checked all the boxes about what the right process would be - it wasn't. If you go back deep in my past threads, you'll see I was ambivalent about meeting this lil manboy so early on and others gave me some good feedback - pros and cons.
I already knew he was a dumba$$ as only a dumba$$ would decide to get into a serious relationship with my exW - no matter what, I knew her better than he did and I knew that she was a complete mess and chock full of red flags. The little that I did hear from other friends about her during this time completely confirmed that my take on her emotional and mental state was absolutely accurate - she was trying to erase the past, not take any ownership or accountability for her actions, and definitely did not take the time to journey inward to understand her deep insecurities and issues. She made all the decisions that fit her nice little fantasy without regard of how it would impact the kids. She was in the 'fog' as the term is used here. And then it spectacularly blew up in her face - just days after the lilmanboy proposed to her and she said yes.
Thanks for your words about my D. Yes she was the one who was most deeply hurt and impacted by this predatory lilmanboy. I am glad it's over and I can focus on her well being and also my son, who was impacted by all the massive changes as well.
My kids are doing much better now. D has been seeing an amazing therapist for almost six months and my son also went to therapy for a few months. They're both in better places and my D especially has all the support and love she needs. We've come out of the dark.
I hope you're keeping well and if you're a year or two behind me, the best thing that I did was seriously put in work for myself - hobbies and activities, focused attention on my health, and doing things outside work that nurtured my spirit. I am a creative at heart and so got back into some creative pursuits and that was marvelous for my healing.
I'll respond more thoroughly on your sitch, but just remember - from the little I know of your sitch, I believe your exW is chasing a fantasy and she thinks all the answers lie in that mirage. Let it play out and just focus on yourself and your kids. I know it's easier said than done, but me and plenty of others here have done it and come out wiser and more emotionally rounded at the other end.
Catch you soon on your thread.
Maika!
It is so good to see you here! The main thing that keeps me coming back to the boards is that I look for folks that have been around from years ago and love seeing their updates and progress. Right after we get BD'd we are a spinning mess, then things settle down, and then we stop posting as much, but it is the time and often years, that we finally benefit from all that detaching GAL stuff, right? People like us really can offer good advice because the wisdom comes many years later. In fact I really like the advice to Newcomers from the people here in Surviving The Big D.
So things with OM imploded and fell apart? Shocking! That was sarcasm. I am only shocked when these affairs DO work out. I think years ago I read that affairs lead to lasting relationships and marriages less than 5% of the time. Which makes sense to me. I can understand your repulsion towards her now. She really messed things up for all of you. I don't love the idea that we are supposed to forgive and find friendship with Exs after these betrayals and I think it's okay not to. As long as everyone is respectful and civil for the children's sake, that is enough.
I find you refreshingly honest and that is a very attractive character trait! I have always liked that about you. You have got to quit smoking, man. Listen, I know it's hard. Would it help it I told you that if/when dating, women can taste and smell that all over you? Or, it ages your skin terribly? And mostly, you gotta take care of those lungs! I spend my days working in a Covid ICU and I promise you, multifocal COVID pneumonia is no joke .... (jumping off soap box).
Can you enjoy workouts without a gym? Hiking outside in nature with bursts of core work? Pullups on trees :-) I actually created a little home gym and I use religiously. It is my alone time, I listen to my books and podcasts, and I love to just sweat and find new ways to move. I think I am rockin a better body at 43 than 23.
Lastly, I read above your feelings of being emasculated and not being able to provide the pool/house/sitch for your family and I feel you on that. But can I say that again your honesty is so refreshing and that is what makes you an amazing man. Your kids pick up on that energy and it is far more meaningful than any material item. I firmly believe that. .... my 11 year old D just started middle school and is really down lately. I could not bring her around or understand what was going on. Last night we finally connected and she opened up to me. We drove around for hours and then we sat at a restaurant for hours. I just kept listening and being present until she would finally open up a little. By the end of the night I saw some smiles. You cannot buy that. It comes from time and love. I have a feeling you are a great dad. That is more masculine and powerful than anything.
BLU
It`s great to read from you, dear old friend.
The light of dignity shining bright.
Respect.
Hey Blu! Great to hear from you. Yeah I am trying to spend more time here and pay it forward like so many great folks did for me. If I can offer any insight, I am more than happy to do so. This community was truly a life-saver for me when I needed it most.
I think I've brought down my attitude from repulsion to just disliking her at this point. she's been seeing a therapist and in the last week I've seen some big changes in her attitude and approach to things - I am taking it with a grain of salt right now as I don't know if these are long term changes or if she's ascended to a whole new higher plane of manipulation. We're pretty civil around the kids and they've never seen much of the acrimony that existed between us, but I am sure they've sensed it at some level. I am still not sure what to do with the forgiveness thing - it's something that has seemed really strange and elusive and I don't know if I have the energy to figure it out. I am just living my life in a way that works for me and the kids as best as I can.
Thanks for adding a new level of scare on the smoking front! Yes, I am a lot more serious about it right now and working on the quit - actually this week. So, I'll report back on that.
I've been walking a lot during this pandemic and that has been refreshing. Fortunately the gyms have opened up and I am going back this week - they have put in good safety protocols so I am satisfied with that. Looking forward to getting in there and reclaiming some of the 'me' time. I am with you on rocking a better body at 41 than 21
I really appreciate your comments on honesty. BD and the subsequent emotional turmoil just taught me how I was failing at accountability to myself, and others as well, and that had an impact on my marriage breaking down. I wasn't a lying or a cheat, but I would engage in covert contracts and say one thing but do something else. I realized I was doing it out of fear and wanting to avoid rejection from others - just say what they want to hear and not rock the boat, but go do what I want instead and hide it. That's just not a good strategy for anything.
I also find that if I am not being honest here, then what's the real point of all of this. I am not some super DB'er and I've done all the work and now I am going to conquer the world. I am still dealing with a lot of the aftermath and decades of dysfunction can't just be solved over night or weeks or months. Takes time. The emasculation stuff was just all of my insecurities and my kids haven't given a hoot about the material changes in our lives. All they want is for me to spend time with them and be present. We're not living in squalor so it's not like their basic material needs aren't met. Love the example you shared with your D - I think that's so wonderful that you had that time with her and were able to connect. That's what it's all about really. I love hearing about these moments because they're just so priceless in terms of building real authentic connection and strengthening the love.
I keep reminding myself of a concept by Esther Perel - these are bids for connection. Every time my kids want to do something or ask something of me, I remind myself that they're asking to connect with me, and doesn't matter what it is.
I think I am overly critical of myself in the dad department, but if I was honest, I think I've done pretty good. I appreciate you noticing that and sharing it with me. I am still working on doing better - like being a nonsmoker - but I am not taking that relationship for granted and trying to be as present with them as I can be.
NEFFER - how are you doing old friend? Yes, the light is shining bright and I hope it is for you as well. Hope you and your fam are safe and healthy.
I see that J9 has also gone AWOL but I hope he's doing well with his doc lady - hey J, if you see this, come back and give us an update. I think I saw LH and AS around - well hope you guys are doing good.
Yo M good to see you back! I spoke to J9 about 4 months ago and he's still with the Doc but has no immediate plans to get married.
Last time you were on I think we established you were near Andy P which is in my area but I am in the states. I can tell you that there seems to be a shortage of good men in that area so it's time to dip your foot in the dating pool.
Bad decisions and can't standing your ex resonates with me. Luckily I never really have to deal with her so for the most part it is what it is.
The board has taken a weird turn, there is a lot of internal strife between those who see WS as pieces of $hit and those who think they are good people who made mistakes. I still try to be objective and help when I can but we have had so many serial cheaters and abusers it is hard to be objective.
Sorry your kids had to go through another break-up that really stinks. Maybe some hope your Ex is doing therapy? Wish mine would, she has serious anger issues.
Hope you are here to stay brother!
Hey LH! Thanks for the update with J9. It's always good to hear good news.
Yeah I am close enough to Andy P for sure. I am definitely considering heading out into the dating pool soon. Seems like things are getting stabilized where we are and everything has basically opened up, so no time to waste.
oh wow i didn't know the board has taken such a turn. I haven't been in the newcomers that much but serial cheaters and abusers definitely changes the game. I'll spend some time over there and see what's going on.
Yeh exW is in therapy because she reached a new bottom when the R imploded and basically had no way out by herself. I am not sure she's over her anger issues, but I am treating everything with a great deal of skepticism. I just don't think she's fundamentally made the types of changes and looked inward that needs to happen.
for example, I am fairly certain she has a new squeeze in her life. And by the timeline I think it was about five to six months after her previous R was over. Remember, in that previous R, the lilmanboy proposed to her and she had said yes. She was going to marry that dumba$$, and now in six months after that she's got a new squeeze. The red flags are basically paintball pellets coming at your face and coloring you in. Like who in their right mind would date someone with just that little information.
but she's done this her own life - get into a R as fast as possible and make it serious; break up with that person; and then run right into another R and make it serious; and repeat cycle. To not see this pattern and realize how messed up it is, FOR YEARS, is just heartbreaking. At least this time, whoever this new squeeze is, is not introduced to the kids yet.
So, that's why the skepticism over her therapy and the so called new leaf she seems to have turned. I see that she hasn't really learned anything and this is all a great show. But, I am wiser and I have no patience for this nonsense. She can go implode her life all over again until she learns the lesson, or never will.
Kids are doing good and that's the only thing I care about. You have to be able to sit with your f#$k-ups and she has shown no indication that she has done that or she's capable of doing it. I just keep her at arms length and we communicate when needed about the kids. I have my own life to worry about and achieve what I want to achieve.
Anyways, I was hoping for real change with her - not to take her back - but just for the kids sake and even her sake, but it's not looking like that.
Yeah man I'm around, but probably not as active as before. Hope things are going well with you LH and you're safe and healthy.
If I may add a different perspective to the boards taking a turn. I don't agree that there is a difference in the amount of posters that are dealing with cheaters/abusers or that people now have a different tolerance for that. I have been reading here for 7-8 years and I have seen the quality of posts steadily deteriorate over time. There used to be several folks here -- Sandi, Wonka, Starsky, 25mlc, AS, to name only a few of many -- that spent time really getting to know posters and offering thoughtful and thorough feedback. They were generous to give so much to strangers, but I think there was a strong sense of community and that perhaps they benefited from that as well.
What I have seen happening over the last couple years is more direct advice that reads as judgmental and lacking in personal boundaries. It is also the same few people giving the same advice so there is less diversity in information. I find some of the behavior totally unacceptable (I am sorry, but I am looking at you LH). Even if you believe someone is being abused, in a bad situation or making the same poor choices repeatedly, that does not entitle you to call them out or tell them what to do. It has been disappointing to watch and people are leaving because of it. There has also has been a steady decline of new people coming forward and I assume they don't feel safe to post here.
Even if this is the internet and a public forum, we are still talking about deeply personal issues and we are all vulnerable. If someone shares their story and is struggling, our only job is to try and understand them, offer sympathy and support, and then when we do give advice, we must do so in a respectful and careful manor that they are ready to receive. It is not our place to call them out, tell them what is wrong with them or what they need to do. We only have limited information and we are not their therapists. This directness only leads to people feeling attacked and then turning away. Nothing good comes from it IMO. I think with the amount of options people now have for online forums, it is unlikely these boards can make a full recovery.
Blu
The directness has always been here since I have been around (6+ years). Mr Bond, Azzork, Vapo and TXhubby were all at least as direct as LH and maybe even more so (without a doubt TXhubby was). The difference now is that there are fewer posters giving advice to balance things out. Sometimes a direct line is helpful depending on the person. I prefer direct as it snaps me out of a fog but I also do not take much personally. I can also see where it can be unhelpful.
I remember my first threads would get buried in a matter of hours there were so many people posting. They would have 20 or so different posters chiming in. I do think the lack of participation goes beyond this forum though...something else is at play. Other forums I am a part of that discuss similar topics have slowed to a crawl more significantly than here (much more so, they are completely dead now).... but I do think that is where this place is heading.
The directness has always been here since I have been around (6+ years). Mr Bond, Azzork, Vapo and TXhubby were all at least as direct as LH and maybe even more so (without a doubt TXhubby was).
It's all good Pinn. Have gone through this before. Some people like my advice and some don't. Have I said some things I shouldn't have? Probably. But to say I don't take the time to know the posters is ignorant in my opinion. Everyone is entitled to their opinion especially on a community board. Onward and upward.
i think the thing is that one can only stay in this space for so long before it starts to feel like being stuck in the past. i'm grateful for the help i've received here, but I do see myself stepping back more and more, offering less to the newcomer. It's just flat-out painful to read the same script being played out so many times, destroying so many lives.
I am very grateful to everyone who took the time to comment on my threads. I didn't/don't always agree with what is said, but I still appreciate that someone who doesn't even know me took time out of their schedule to read and respond. For me, the gist of it is that I don't know anyone here personally. Sure, I found a few on facebook, but even those folks, I have never sat down and had an actual face to face conversation or even a conversation over the phone or via text, so while they get a bigger glimpse into my personal life through social media, they are still not in my inner circle. I say all that say that because I don't know the posters here, I don't get too upset when someone comes across as harsh with me because I don't know if they are really being harsh or if that is just kind of how they are in general. Have I said things I shouldn't have? Probably, but NEVER with a mean intention. For better or worse, I stick to my little corner of the board and don't really go to newcomers or some other sections mainly because I just don't know that I have much to offer there. I'm past all that and moved on to a new marriage and I just don't know what I can say to help someone who is just starting their journey beyond "it gets better, I promise" which most really don't want or even particularly need to hear.
Sounds like the balance between the bluntness and 2x4's and the care and in-depth responses has shifted more to the former. I always admired the balancing act that this board provided and also felt like a sense of a community. I stepped back because I felt like I didn't have much energy to contribute and also the pandemic shifted my focus.
I really appreciated TxHubby's direct take on stuff and AnotherStander always evened it out - needed to hear both at the same time in a weird way.
Have gone through this before. Some people like my advice and some don't. Have I said some things I shouldn't have? Probably. But to say I don't take the time to know the posters is ignorant in my opinion. Everyone is entitled to their opinion especially on a community board. Onward and upward.
I've said this before, yes sometimes LH can be a d!ck, but I will never be critical of someone who donates so much of their time to help others, and he is one of the most consistent contributors. I personally have found his, along with many others, to be have been so very helpful. I think it would be a shame to lose him because, whilst some don't appreciate his directness, there are some who totally respond (and need) it.
I also have to challenge that he doesn't take the time to know those he posts to. He remembers a lot of the details about people he posts to, its evident in his posts, that's been my experience anyway.
This is not some LH cheerleading post, I don't want to see ANYONE leave these boards for any reason, diversity of opinion and styles should be embraced. We're all adults, can we not choose to filter out those whose opinions and styles aren't to our tastes?
I guess I’m one of the posters who don’t feel like all WAS are monsters. Aliens, yes! It makes sense fo walk away from a marriage after a sustained period of dysfunction. Some WAS have requested therapy or talked about their issues for years. I think for reconciliation or even just self-improvement for the next R, a bit of compassion and empathy go a long way, as does owning your mistakes (but not their mistakes). Recognizing the LBS and the WAS are neither angels nor demons. WWS, serial cheaters, and abusers are different animals. Them I’m okay calling monsters.
I do feel sad when posters give up on the forums because they feel attacked. I hope future posters feel “directness” and not “attacked”.
I can't count how many times Kml has smacked me with a well deserved 2x4 as does our dear Job, again usually spot on. Jack 3 Beans also had a deft gift with the 2x4, and I would sometimes cringe when I read his posts on others' threads, but he always had something thought provoking to say. Whether you agreed or not, at least he got you thinking.
People resent getting called out. Speaking for myself, sometimes I'd read a post from Kml and be angry for hours later but she was almost always 100% right. I am grateful for the time she and Job put in to help me when I really was at my lowest, and that they continue to put in today, to name just two of the many people around here who helped me. Irish, D, Sotto .. the list goes on for days.
We don't get to these boards because our lives are going swimmingly ... and if we don't want to take advice we don't have to. Neither is this a place to get a participation trophy. This is someplace to come to learn to change. It is a place of action. Change and action are not concepts readily embraced. Not a lot of people have the capacity or stamina for the kind of change required to either stand and get the chance to piece our marriages back together or move on from the marriage breakup to change into a different, better version of the person who first got here.
Just my $.02. As always, take it or leave it. No harm, no foul.
I feel like I can co-sign with everyone here on the topic of being direct and blunt. I've definitely benefitted from it.
Just been lurking around the Newcomers for a bit and it seems like it has really dwindled. There used to be pages and pages and now there's like only 2 pages. I wonder what's happened.
I loved this from CW's thread and didn't want to hijack it so I am going to post it here. The listing of qualities you're looking for in a potential partner. I'll add mine here.
Single / Confident / Active / Self-Aware / Accountable / Kind / Honest / Sexual
I feel like I can co-sign with everyone here on the topic of being direct and blunt. I've definitely benefitted from it.
Just been lurking around the Newcomers for a bit and it seems like it has really dwindled. There used to be pages and pages and now there's like only 2 pages. I wonder what's happened.
I remember finding this page via Google when googling about divorce. Maybe the search results prioritize other places or sources more now? At least there is a ton of self-help material related to relationships available.
yeah you're probably right LC