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Posted By: stacey9 Back again - 10/03/18 09:14 PM
Hi all

Haven’t posted here in ages, a few of you may remember me. I am now divorced and I survived. A couple of years ago ExH started flirting, paying me lots of attention etc. Things progressed and it turned into a bit of a fling. Very exciting and passionate and I was completely caught up in it all.

This continued until a few months ago and we saw each other when we can. He finished with OW and I really thought a reconciliation was on the cards. I did not pressure or pursue him, I didn’t ask any questions I just floated along on air, blissfully happy and completely in love.

Then he became a little distant. The warning signs were all there but it has knocked me for six again to hear he has been seeing someone else. He says they are friends who enjoy each other’s company. I am gutted. She is a lot younger than me. Now it is obvious he was only filling time with me, waiting for something else to come his way.

We were getting along so well , the kids were happy we were doing things as a family again, although they have no idea we were more than friends.

So why am I posting here knowing fine well this is all my own fault and I’ve only myself to blame?

It’s because I have no one else to talk to about it. Friends and family witnessed my near breakdown the first time he left me and would be furious I became involved with him again. I’m so sorry I did too but it felt like a fairytale to be with him again. I felt safe and happy.

I have not shown him I am upset although I’m sure he knows. He said he still had feelings for me and is not sure he’s doing the right thing.
I would be happy to hear any words of advice and wisdom, although I know I deserve the gold for how not to DB.

Feel free to be as brutal as you like xx

Thanks for reading.
Posted By: Phoenix9 Re: Back again - 10/03/18 11:18 PM
Hi stacey,

I don't think this reoccurence is your fault. He made you feel special post-divorce and really gave you hope. Then he just left you again. That just shows you the man he is.

I really don't think you DB incorrectly at all. I just think your ExH is a jerk.

You should post in Newcomers..lots more activity there. smile

Hang in there.
Posted By: kml Re: Back again - 10/03/18 11:25 PM
Well he!! yes show him you're upset. Tell him he's definitely making a mistake but that you're done. Then BE DONE.

Let HIM chase YOU if he honestly decides he wants to be with you, but you hanging around being his Plan B and hoping he will choose you if you just don't make waves is NOT WORKING. Make him face the consequences of his behavior which is LOSING YOUR COMPANIONSHIP. Tell him you are not willing to be in a relationship with someone where there is a third party so ADIOS!!!

I'm sorry he did this to you. Get on out and start dating, find some man who treats you like you deserve to be treated.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Back again - 10/03/18 11:26 PM
No need to be brutal. We all have set backs. And who would not want to belief it was all just a big mistake - the person we have history with admits to. Im sure the validation felt healing and assuring. Its hard to accept that are spouses are just narcissistic, entitled, lying pos. Sometimes it takes a fool me twice to really accept it cause we project our own feelings onto them.

But now its time to move forward. Moving forward is not with him. He is not honest. He is not loyal. He is not committed. He does not have real feelings for you. He might say he does, but his action have not and do not.

You will be fine. Focus on making your life good. I think when our lives our empty in some way, it makes us more suseptible to filling the voids with a broken relationship.
Posted By: focus22 Re: Back again - 10/04/18 08:56 AM
Hello

I don't have much advice (I still struggle with a lot of things myself), but good heavens, he hasn't half given you the run around! Your feelings must be all over the place.

I like the sound of what the other guys have said: just focus on your own life now, and move forward with that. You're not really starting from the same point you were back in 2013/2014, you're way further forward than that now, and have so much more knowledge, experience and strength.
Posted By: stacey9 Re: Back again - 10/04/18 05:37 PM
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It means a lot.

Pain18 thank you, you have made me feel better already.

kml, I have tried dating, very briefly. I met a guy at a wedding, we swapped numbers and he asked me for lunch. He seemed really nice, but I just couldn't relax. It was the whole checking each other out thing that got to me. I couldn't stop thinking that he didn't like me, I couldn't relax, couldn't even eat a thing, it was terrible. Needless to say there was no 2nd date. The next guy who asked me out also seem nice but the same thing happened, I think I am just too shy and introverted for dating strangers. It would be much better if I got to know someone first, before the idea of dating even came up.

Juju, you are right I think my life is missing something and it seems exH is the only one who makes it feel right. I need to change that.

Thank you Focus22 for your vote of confidence! It's true, I won't go to pieces in the same way as 5 years ago, but it still feels hard all the same. I always thought if OW was out of the picture I would be able to accept another OW. Wrong. It still hurts.

As I thought he would, he is completely playing it down. He is just friends with her, they get on well, there is no big romance etc etc. That's what he's told everyone.

When he first started acting distant, I asked if there was someone else. He said no.

So where do I go from here? I already had a nice life before he came back into it. The kids have got used to him stopping by and hanging out and I don't want to stop that for the family's sake. But am I strong enough to have him in my life as a friend? Should I make myself be out when he stops by? I have no idea what to do.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, it was just what I needed. xx
Posted By: focus22 Re: Back again - 10/04/18 07:30 PM
Hmm, I don't think I can give the best advice (I'm sure someone else will be able to), but is there any need for you to have contact with him?

Your kids are grown up, right? There is (what I would imagine) a super minimal amount of co-parenting? I might be wrong - I don't have children. But what kind of conversations do you need to have about the children - by text, email or in person? Can they go and visit him instead of him coming round? So you don't have to see him or speak to him?

Or is there any need for you to be friends with him? Do you respect him? The choices he makes and the person he is? Does he give you the same level of respect back?

Are there things that you didn't get round to doing for yourself the first time round? Things you'd like to try or do? Thinking now might be a good time to try those things.
Posted By: stacey9 Re: Back again - 10/04/18 09:13 PM
Hi focus, you are right my kids are grown and are more than capable of seeing their Dad without me being around. They are off living their own lives so it’s rare that we’re all together anyway. It just felt nice being the 4 of us together again laughing having fun. I do also like his company he’s a fun person to have around.

If I tell xh I don’t want him coming around I’ll have to tell the kids that it’s easier for me that way, that it’s too hurtful to see him when he’s clearly moving on again. I’m sure they’ll understand.

I do need to rethink my life goals. When he left the first time exercise became my thing almost to the point of obsession. It still is a huge part of my life and has helped me enormously.

Thanks again x
Posted By: focus22 Re: Back again - 10/04/18 09:27 PM
Me too, I'm loving the whole exercise thing. It's a totally new discovery for me.

What were you doing before, exercise wise? And what are you planning on doing now?
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