It's been a bit, but I've decided to start a new thread.. Chose the title because I'm about to be hit by a hurricane for the better part of the next 48 hours.. Kinda [censored], but been there done that, I'll be fine (as long as one of my trees doesn't decide to fall on me). I figure I have a kayak if flooding becomes an issue, I have camp gear if power goes out,and I have a dislike of showers (and about 80 gallons of water stored) if water goes out...
So anyway, had the most amazing trip to Alaska with mom, so much quality time spent in a RV for two weeks, and many many amazing adventures experienced too boot. It will be an experience I'll forever cherish.
As far as finding "Love", I'm completely indifferent, bordering on avoidant.. I'm enjoying me for now, and for someone to change that they would have to be persuasive, but I'm enjoying time spent with friends, it provides an outlet.
Keeping you and all of the residents that are in the path of the hurricane in my thoughts and prayers. Please stay safe.
Previous Thread:
Open the Floodgates
First, that Alaska trip sounds like quite and adventure, and how cool is it that you got to do that with your mom. It's a once in a life time experience.
Secondly, YOU STAYED?! Please be careful! Do you have a generator? I have lived without power for way too long with hurricaines Sandy and Irene (us northerners aren't quite prepared for those) and it was cold and very rough. You are obviously the rough and tough outdoorsman, so I am sure you'll be fine, but stay safe, please. Someone I graduated high school with is in Wilmington and he was posting videos (he is also staying) and he has a million trees on his property. So please, don't go outside, OK?
Let us know how you are doing?
P.S? A dislike for showers?
All good, the winds have passed, now it will be a couple of days of rain and maybe the occasional gusts, so still possible to lose some trees. As of now, zero damage for me, and Im pretty elevated here, so flooding not an issue here, but many are still being forced to evacuate because the rivers are rising.
As for dislike of showers, I was being funny, cause when water goes out you don't get to take showers or baths. But I didn't lose water, I lost power for less than 24 hours and it's back on now.
I'm glad you and your property are okay. The forecasters are still saving more rain is coming and the people are not out of the woods yet. Stay safe down there!
I'm glad you and your property are okay. The forecasters are still saving more rain is coming and the people are not out of the woods yet. Stay safe down there!
This is my 13th or so hurricane, I am, to say the least, I am used to to preparation and "sounds" they make (especially the winds at night).. But I have to say that the flooding is completely different here.. Back home, flooding is localized based on where the rain falls, I used to deal with hurricanes at 5 feet above sea level, but everyone else was also, so I didn't have to worry about their rain becoming my problem.
But now that I'm inland and elevated, river basins are a whole new issue with hurricanes. I'm fine, I'm over 100' above the closest River, but that River is expected to rise 60 feet, there are many people who aren't so lucky. Back home in FL, the winds were the issue you had to deal with, but here it's a two pronged attack. I will be going back to real life tomorrow, back to work it is, but there are many people who will be struggling for awhile to get back to normal, pray for them, they didn't want or ask for this.
Someone in my fishing forum posted about the loss of his wife, he admitted to putting a gun to his head but putting it down when he thought of his kids.. I posted about his wife passing away knowing about him choosing to love her to the end, that he needs to move forward honoring her by living the life she would want for him..
It brought up memories of a lady my ex and I worked with, she had at the least an emotional A with our boss before she died of an brain aneurysm at 39 (shortly before my ex started with her A).. I'll never forget him holding it together at the funeral, even feeling like he was happy with the way things unfolded.. I do know they had dated for 14 years before they married, happily, and they had only married 2 or 3 years before.
I remember having thoughts of receiving knocks at the door that my wife was killed and how much that thought hurt, but the pain I imagined didn't compare to what I lived through...
I now understand what I saw, a husband that had a unfaithful wife die and how he was able to handle the funeral like he did..
I find myself wondering what would hurt worse, having a faithful wife die, or finding out my wife was unfaithful.
I'd guess unfaithful. Both are the loss of your spouse. Divorce is also accompanied by disillusionment of human relationships.
i too vote for unfaithful. one of my closest friends lost her husband to cancer a few years before my husband went off the deep end. We often talk about our similar feelings of loss, but the glaring difference is that she maintained at first that at least i had the hope of seeing exh and that as long as he was alive he could perhaps turn it around and be the person he was for most of our marriage.
now, well, she gets it: the pain of having someone who looks and sounds like your beloved spouse but behaves like an entirely different person wandering around, having to deal with that person because of kids, etc. Both death and divorce hurt immensely, but divorce ... eh, there's so much more that goes along with that: betrayal, disillusionment as Zues said, etc.
Being myself a former WH I agree with all of you. My W had said to me that I hurt her more than the cancer she had 13 years ago...
Tearing now...
I actually told my ex that I wish he would have died instead because it would have been easier to know that he wasn't gone because of heart-breaking, gut-wrenching betrayal. To know that it wasn't his choice to leave his family.
I think unfaithful would be MUCH more difficult to deal with. During our marriage, my XH had some very serious health issues and almost died very early in our marriage and it was a difficult time for us, as it is tough to hear a doctor say your newlywed husband is not likely to survive til morning. However, the pain that was a result of that experience was NOTHING compared to the pain I felt when I found out he'd been seeing someone else near the end of our marriage and he quickly chose her over me. I totally understand what Ginger is saying above. Death would be tough, but would be easier to get over than a blatant, gut-wrenching betrayal.
I had an interesting conversation a couple of weeks ago at the butcher shop with a widow who works there.
Her husband passed on about 5 years ago and she mentioned that she's still reluctant to date although her kids are pushing her to. I could see the hurt in her eyes when she talked about how wonderful her marriage had been. I think it would require one heck of a guy to step in to his shoes.
I think that's one big difference for us. If my ex had died and died without an affair being involved, my house would undoubtedly have lots of pictures up of us as a happy family and I would have pretty much only good memories. Yes we had our ups and downs. We had talked about it like many couples do and I do think that I would not even be considering a new partner at my time of life if she had died. Now though I've scrubbed her from my life and home and any potential new partner has a pretty low bar to cross to be better than her.
The OM my ex went after was a widower. His first wife was an active part of the community, a mother and grandmother. Filling those ghostly shoes would be quite tough I would think and she will always be competing against the memory of her predecessor.
I think we all agree, I know I do. I was going state that the hardes thing form me is the negative emotions/feelings to those 10 years of my life, I didn't just lose my spouse, I lost 10 years of what would have otherwise been good memories.
Dawn posted awhile back about the importance of forgiving the WS, and while I completely agree I just am not there. I've erased her from my life and that might just have been so I didn't have to forgive her. Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.
forgot to end the first paragraph with "but I don't need to because AndrewP stated it well".
Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.
Coconut,
Even without forgiveness, you can achieve that good feeling in so many constructive and positive ways. For example, you could send your ex a fresh turd in one of those FedEx overnight packages.
I think we all agree, I know I do. I was going state that the hardes thing form me is the negative emotions/feelings to those 10 years of my life, I didn't just lose my spouse, I lost 10 years of what would have otherwise been good memories.
Dawn posted awhile back about the importance of forgiving the WS, and while I completely agree I just am not there. I've erased her from my life and that might just have been so I didn't have to forgive her. Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.
I think everyone gets to things at their own pace, in their own time. For me, honestly, the forgiveness was more about healing for myself than anything to do with him. I still think he's an ass and I still think he behaved badly through some of what went on, but it just ceases to matter to me anymore. I needed to forgive to move on, so I did. I won't necessarily say that I look back with only good memories. Most of my good memories from that time frame revolve around the girls or other family members, not him. It sounds weird and I don't really know how to explain, but what I do know is that ultimately, forgiveness was the gift I gave myself (yes, corny and cliché) and it suited me. I'm living my best life.
I actually told my ex that I wish he would have died instead because it would have been easier to know that he wasn't gone because of heart-breaking, gut-wrenching betrayal. To know that it wasn't his choice to leave his family.
I've thought the same thing many times, though I never said it. D is more like your spouse committing suicide than just an unfortunate death. At what point did you say this to your XH, Ginger?
Even without forgiveness, you can achieve that good feeling in so many constructive and positive ways. For example, you could send your ex a fresh turd in one of those FedEx overnight packages.
Doodler dude, I've missed you!
Dawn posted awhile back about the importance of forgiving the WS, and while I completely agree I just am not there. I've erased her from my life and that might just have been so I didn't have to forgive her. Maybe one day I will find that forgiveness and be able to look back with some sort of "good" feeling.
Forgiveness is something I still struggle with. My IC has implied I can't really move on to another R until I've forgiven my XW. I recently went through all the pics on my phone and deleted every pic of her - I don't need any triggers. I do know there were some good times in the M, but everything still feels tainted by this dark cloud. Does the cloud go away, or do we chose to just ignore it?
Forgiveness is something I still struggle with. My IC has implied I can't really move on to another R until I've forgiven my XW. I recently went through all the pics on my phone and deleted every pic of her - I don't need any triggers. I do know there were some good times in the M, but everything still feels tainted by this dark cloud. Does the cloud go away, or do we chose to just ignore it?
The cloud moves off to another part of the sky. Like you, I purged pretty much everything related to my own XW. She's been gone for over 2 years now and I can go multiple days without having any thoughts at all of her. When I do think of her it's in the context of someone I don't really like.
I do have buried in my Google Drive a bunch of pictures that include pictures of her / us. I don't look at them but don't want to throw them out. That time was a part of my life and lots of it was good. It's just not part of my current life.
I've not forgiven her and never will. My own approach is one of not caring. Most days that's where I am. A few things still trigger a fairly mild version of anger but that's getting less and less. The fact that I don't have to deal with her in any fashion other than sending her her monthly payment helps. And even that is annoying in the same context as it's annoying to have to pay a utility bill.
So made a pretty big change yesterday, I now have a roommate... Well, a part-time roommate, he's an officer (a dentist) in the army and him and his wife live about 1 1/2 hrs away from the base (she's in medical school there), so he wanted to find a room to use Mon - Thu nights. I've never had a roommate, wasn't really looking for one, but when I really thought about the opportunity for the passive income while still having the house to myself on the weekends, I went ahead and jumped.
On a personal level, it will be nice to have some company around the house at times, living alone can get a too quiet at times. On a financial level, it will be nice to have "free income" to be able to send my son a little more spending money without it affecting my savings and disposable income. I think this will go a long way towards my goal of being financially able to retire in 10 years (at 55), I will probably continue working until 60 but If I do, I want it to be because I choose to do so, not because I don't have an option.
Anyway, not much going on R wise in my life, I'm fine with that, I don't want it enough to put any effort into it which frees me up to just enjoy myself.. I do enjoy my life right now, I've been getting back into the swing of doing things around the house, been spending time with friends, still camping and fishing, and with this fall weather that has recently hit, been doing a lot of hiking with Tink (my dog).
oh, and I've decided to learn how to play the guitar, been looking around for a good deal on one.
I've always wanted to learn to play the guitar. Good luck with that. And, good luck with the roommate. I hope it is a good and positive experience for you.
Glad to hear from you Cnut. Music is magic man. You are entering a new world doing that. It´s like learning to ride a bike, once you start you won´t end it.
Any news from your S?
He is doing well in school, feels like he is on top of everything. I'm going to visit him at school this coming weekend, we are going to go to Halloween Horror Nights while im there.. I always wanted to take him, but he was never a fan of haunted houses, but now that he's older (and braver lol) he is looking forward to it.
What a fearless men! Enjoy it but don´t repress the screams, nobody is going to tell.
Good job on the roommate - that sounds ideal!
And go for it with the guitar - I learned to play the drums at 53 during my divorce and it was the best thing I ever did. Joined an adult rock band class (think "School of Rock" for grownups) and ended up playing in a punk rock cover band for several years. Picked up vibraphone and glockenspiel on the way and have toured professionally with my best friend who is a professional singer/songwriter. I'm living proof that you can teach old dogs - or middle aged moms - new tricks!
Great kml! I play bass and I usually play some nights at some places here where I live. We have a rock and roll band. Music is the best anti stress therapy.
What a great weekend.. Drove down to FL to see my son this weekend, he's in Orlando so it's about 3 hours less to drive there than down to Ft. Lauderdale which was nice (but still a long drive). Saturday we spent most of the day just doing what he does on a daily basis on campus, he showed me around to all of his classes, library, gym, cafeteria, student union, etc.. It was nice to get a glimpse into his new life, he got a roommate while I was there, so it was nice to get to meet him (my son had the dorm to himself but the other guys room flooded so they reassigned him).
He stayed at the hotel with me Sat night, we played board games and checkers in the lobby until midnight or so, then Sunday there was some special Pokémon Go event going on at his school, he really wanted to do it so we walked around campus again catching pokemon.. He played it when he was younger but had stopped, but picked it back up since there are soooo many students that play (there are a lot of special pokemon features around his campus) and he has a good time with it. I have to admit, it was a pretty fun event, I couldn't believe how many people were participating and with everyone doing the same thing, everyone was very open and welcoming, you end up meeting a lot of new people playing it.
anyway, went to Halloween Horror Nights Sunday night, it was a blast. I gotta say, the express passes were very pricey, but I'm very happy I got them. We managed to do all the haunted houses and a few other rides since we never had to wait more than 10 minutes in any line. We followed a couple of people walking into an unmarked opening in the wall and ended up in Diagon Alley, it was such a cool surprise.. neither of us had ever been there or even knew it existed in universal studios (we had been to Hogsmeade in islands of adventure several times). There was something really cool about getting lost in a hidden world that you didn't know was there (which is the basis of the wizarding world), it was a great experience.
I can't tell you all how proud I am of him, his goal right now is to try and get into medical school which I knew, but I wasn't aware of everything he is doing now to help prepare him for that. He is signing up for every workshop he can find, he has talked with panels of Dr.'s to get the inside scoop on what is really important when applying for med school (he said his biggest takeaway was to do what he has passion for, not just to get check marks on an application). He has joined the biology and chemistry club's (his major is biology), he's applied to be part of a research group to research the effects hurricane Maria had on diabetics (such as loss of power and difficulty in keeping insulin refrigerated, finding healthy food to eat, etc.) in Puerto Rico.
I asked about his girlfriend and he told me that before he left for school he was having a hard time in his R (which I knew), that he told her he wasn't in love with her anymore (weeks before he left for school), but they agreed to continue seeing each to see if they can make it work. At first I thought he meant like, seeing each other but others too, and he quickly corrected me and said that he was a one relationship person, that he is committed to her even though he doesn't feel that "spark"... Then he added (which I was impressed with) "I didn't love her when we first started dating, so I'm giving the R time to see if I can be feel in Love with her again". I know she's been up there to visit him a couple of times and he's gone back home a couple of times, so they are still seeing each other every couple of weeks. Regardless of if the R lasts or not, I was pretty impressed with his understanding that losing the "feeling" of love didn't mean that the R should just be ended.
As for me, I've been keeping busy, I do a lot of the same things (camping, fishing, etc.) most of the time, although in new places, I feel like ya'll don't want to keep hearing about the same things over and over, so I don't post much of that. I am not currently "looking" for anyone, so there aren't any stories to tell there, but if someone pops up i'll be sure to mention it. I've only been able to practice on the guitar 3 nights so far (been out of town or out on the town the other nights), but i'm enjoying it and want to focus on one thing at a time to really get a good feel for it before moving to the next (strumming, chords, etc.). It's going to be a slow process but I want to do it right. So far things with my renter are working out well, he gets home around 8:30 and is in his room within an hour and is gone before I get out of bed in the morning.. working out great so far.
It sounds like your son is coming into his own. Medical school sounds wonderful. He's ambitious and that's a good thing.
It continually blows my mind when I think of how quickly they grow up.
Yes, we must teach them how to fly but we can´t follow their flight.
Congrats on your S Coco, be as proud of him as I know you are.
Been awhile since i've posted, I've been coming on the site and reading a few updates every now and then, but when you don't keep up with the threads on a regular basis it can be very difficult to catch up with what's going on. Anyway, I thought I'd go ahead and post a quick update.
Things have been busy but not much new in my life, fall is definitely the busiest part of my year, I've been out of town every other weekend since I went to Alaska back in August; a lot of camping and/or fishing trips, I've visited my son at school and back home with the rest of my family and friends, and have been enjoying what have been very good life moments. I think the toughest thing about going back home is spending time with friends, I mean real friends, and realizing that I don't have that connection with anyone here. My closest friends in NC are people I've meet in my fishing club, but there isn't anyone local, so although I have a bond with them when we get together, they aren't the kind of friends that come over and just hang out, it's almost always some sort of event when we meet up.
Although I probably could spend more time with local acquaintances (guys), I haven't met anyone that I just click with or that interests me to hang out with regularly. We go out to restaurants, clubs, bars, events, but I just haven't made a connection with anyone that made me want to spend more time hanging out. It may be just that I haven't spent enough quality time with them to learn enough to find interest, whatever the reason, it just hasn't happened.
I have been pretty happy being single and haven't put any effort into dating, but I think that's starting to change. One thing I have noticed is that my anger/hatred towards my ex has really been diminishing, or at least as we all know, as time goes on the number of good days increase in comparison to bad days, but now the bad days are so far apart I don't even remember the last time I've had one. Anyway, I read DonH's posts about how much fun he had with WG and how he misses those times, Gingers posts about working her way into a R and enjoying the journey, and Dawn's posts about being engaged and it all makes me kind of want that. It's easy to not miss having a companion when you haven't had one for awhile, but reading about the joys of companionship starts the seeds of longing to grow, so I think I may get back out there soon, I'm pretty busy through new years, but I may start dating again after that (or maybe sooner if I meet someone organically).
I'm having a Christmas party tomorrow, about 23 people confirmed, but now we have a major winter storm that's coming in and gonna hit the area, just not clear if it will be Sat night or early Sun morning, or if it will be rain or snow, we will be on the edge of a cold front and a low (warm air), so they aren't able to pinpoint exactly where the snow will stop. My plan was to have music, bonfire and tables and chairs set up outside and kind of split people between indoors and outdoors, but this storm may change that. My house is decent size, but it could end up getting pretty cozy with that many people all inside at once, we shall see..
ok, gotta get back to work.
Thanks for the update Coco. Glad to read you are keeping GAL and have seen your S.
So you are thinking about getting into the dating scene? Good.
Keep moving Coco!
Hey coco! Happy Birthday! Sounds like you are living your best life! I know ti is hard to leave behind some close friends, but I don't doubt you will make new ones. You sound like you are having fun, staying connected with your family and just living as you should. I'm sure you'll find a lovely lady to enjoy some adventures with you.
And a hosting 23 people? God bless you. Sounds like lots of fun, though!
thank you Ginger, I had a nice birthday.. The party dwindled down to 15 people, the weather forecast scared some people away, although it rained all day in town I never got a drop at my house so it worked out perfect. We played "Never Have I Ever", and I realized that I've had quite a few life experiences, I was constantly drinking cause I had done almost all of the things said... It definitely stood out to the group; while I'm a pretty laid back and responsible person, I've always lived by the motto that i'll try almost anything once...
I don't go to newcomers too often anymore because it does bring up a lot of bad memories and I have to much empathy for those just beginning the journey, it's not enjoyable reliving that..
I understand. I had to take a break. Decided I had to pay it forward. In the supporting role, It still helps clarify things for me.
Good morning ya'll, hope everyone enjoyed their holidays.. I went back home to spend Christmas with my friends and Fam for a week and it was a really good time, then back in NC for New Years but didn't go out, just wasn't feeling a crazy night in the middle of the week so just watched it on tv. My roommate (who only stays with me 3 nights a week) took two weeks off after Christmas so I had the place to myself...
But when I got home from work yesterday he was there, I just assumed he had to go back to work early. So while I was getting the grill ready to make dinner he comes out and tells me that he was kicked out of his house by his wife. He said that they've been having issues for awhile but things had blown up that day and she kicked him out. He is convinced they are going to divorce (been M - 1 1/2 yrs, T- 5 yrs) and started asking me questions about the process, I told him the importance of trying to work things out but suggested he speak with a L to find out where he stands financially, then he busts out with "I don't think it can be saved, I cheated on her during my last deployment" (he got back 4 months ago) and she found out. I told him that was a scumbag thing to do, but that if he was committed it could possibly still be saved. He then started in on the complaints about her, one of them being "My wife's really pretty, but as soon as we got married she started gaining weight"... It pissed me off that he was complaining about something so shallow because I knew he was just trying to justify his actions, he didn't show any remorse or desire to work things out, so I didn't share this site with him.
He asked if it was ok if he stayed full weeks for a bit while he figures things out and I told him that was fine for a few weeks but if he wasn't working things out and moving back home soon, he would need to find another place to live.
I really have no interest in being friendly with people who have an A, so the thought of him being around more for the next 3-4 weeks isn't sitting well with me. I'm not just going to boot him out with no where to go but I'm not willing to let him draw things out either.
So, I met a girl last weekend while out downtown, BUT she’s less than half my age... I’ve kept her in the friend zone, just having fun when hanging out (we have some similar interests). She’s leaving the country in 6 months and I feel like she wants more than friendship and I’m torn.. I’d never seek out someone so young, but I have to admit it is flattering and would be fun for awhile, I’m struggling on wether to keep her at arms length or just go with it. Long term isn’t in the cards, so I’m pretty tempted to just have fun in the short term. What do y’all think? Is it a bad idea that might interfere with long term goal of meeting someone serious?
C'Nut - my own opinion is to have some fun.
A rebound with the expectation that it is just temporary would probably do you no end of good. Yes - most of us undoubtedly want that happily ever after but if there's nothing on the horizon for that then why not? If you are both open about the idea of a good time and not a long time then you've got nothing to lose and a lot to gain.
On the other hand it could all be in your imagination too - so tread carefully as you don't want to lose what sounds like a nice friend. Someone here gave me the helpful line "You can't blame me for asking" if you are over-stepping.
Have fun.....dont get emotionally attached.
She’s 22.
C'Nut - my own opinion is to have some fun.
On the other hand it could all be in your imagination too - so tread carefully as you don't want to lose what sounds like a nice friend. Someone here gave me the helpful line "You can't blame me for asking" if you are over-stepping.
If im wrong about the signals she’s putting out I’ll be shocked, but I think I’m going to stop holding back and just go with it.
Have fun.....dont get emotionally attached.
Yeah, I’m thinking you are right, just enjoy the moment or months, however it plays out.
Hang out. Hook up and have fun!!
Coconut,
I'm in agreement with the others; both of you are adults, and as long as both of you are honest with each other, then why not give it a try? Of course, if it gets serious, then then you'll have to decide whether or not you want a family. But it's a least a couple of months before you'll be having that conversation.
On the other hand, if I were her father, I'd probably have to beat your @ss.
Before I start, I'll give a quick update on my previous post, nothing ever happened with the much younger lady, after I kind of pushed her away the day that I posted about above, she ghosted me. I texted her once after that day but she never responded. My guess is that after she came on so strong and when I pushed her back she had had enough and disappeared.
My mom is selling the family home; my brother has been living with her since my father died a few years ago but my brother got a job a few hours away and is closing on his new house today. Once he moves my mother will be putting her house up for sale and is looking to buy a house that has a MIL suite with my sister and her family (about an hour north). I'm happy that she is moving in with my sis as I think it will be better for her than living alone, but I realized that having her house was like a lifeline for me with my old life. I still have friends and other family that I can stay with when I go to FL, but my moms was always the gathering spot, and her selling it is going to completely alter family gatherings, holidays, etc. That, plus my ex moved out of FL with her boyfriend, so now my son has a mom, dad and biological father that all live in different states. I'm not sure how it will play out with me seeing him as often as I used to, but for the next few years he will still be in school and It is easy for me to go see him there, in fact I'm going down there in two weeks to go see the "impractical jokers" tour with him at his school.
As for me, I've been dating a little bit, I haven't found anyone that I want to spend a lot of time with and move towards a R, but I'm having a hard time figuring out if it's because I'm happy with my life as it is and am resisting letting someone in too close, or if it's just that I haven't found someone that matters enough to me to do so. I am not in a rush and my life is pretty full as it is.
Had an interesting conversation with my son yesterday, he told me that my ex's mother and step father separated and were going to be getting a divorce. Apparently my sons step-grandfather called him to let him know, told my son that its been bad for awhile, that they had grown apart and it's been something that has been working up to this point. Then my son said that when he talked to his mother about it later, she told him a different story. Apparently while he was out of town (he's a pilot and is out of town every other week) he called his wife and told her that he wanted a divorce, then when he got home he packed up his stuff and moved in with another woman.
My son then started talking to me about not knowing how to feel about it, that he was torn between disliking his grandfather for what he had done, or recognizing that it wasn't up to him to judge him and just hold on to some sort of relationship with him.
That was a difficult conversation for me to figure out what to say, and probably even more important what not to say. I always thought that my son figured out that my ex had an A, but after that conversation I don't think he ever put two and two together (even though she once told him that the reason I had been so upset about something was because I didn't like her having a friend of hers).
Anyway, it got my mind wandering about what if any impact that situation might have had on my ex, on seeing someone else close to her experience the bomb drop. I didn't dwell on it, but I did wonder about it for a little while.
That was a difficult conversation for me to figure out what to say, and probably even more important what not to say. I always thought that my son figured out that my ex had an A, but after that conversation I don't think he ever put two and two together (even though she once told him that the reason I had been so upset about something was because I didn't like her having a friend of hers).
Coconut,
I'd bet your son knows exactly why you and your ex-wife divorced.
Coincidentally, this morning I read a
Psychology Today article about the impact of divorce on the children. The author mentioned that children of divorce have a higher probability that they'll be divorced as well. (Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving.) One of the things that the author said that really struck me is that, because she'd been through her parents divorce, she didn't view marriage as something that's permanent. I decided that I'm going to have a talk with my sons, probably several times, to make certain that they understand marriage is meant to be permanent, in sickness and in health, and to make sure their potential mates understand that as well. I don't know if it'll make any difference, but I'm going to do my best to emblazon that on their brains.
I don't know. I think that kids can be pretty oblivious. Especially if there is no obvious drama. Buying the story that "Mom wasn't happy" and then "Hey - Mom's got a boyfriend - glad she's happy" is easily done. After all - why would Mom lie?
I always thought he knew, but after our conversation, I don't think he does. I'm happy if he doesn't, in no way would it benefit him to know, and I'd rather he not have resentment towards his mother. I am very close with my mom and I want him to have the same thing.
I decided that I'm going to have a talk with my sons, probably several times, to make certain that they understand marriage is meant to be permanent, in sickness and in health, and to make sure their potential mates understand that as well. I don't know if it'll make any difference, but I'm going to do my best to emblazon that on their brains.
I completely agree with you on this doodler. I have had several R talks with him in the past, we've discussed detachment, love being a choice, both people in a R being happy on their own and sharing that, etc. In this conversation, I wasn't sure I wanted to discuss how to feel about or treat someone who had an A, so I focused more on relationships in general. The importance of being open and honest in a R (if you're not happy say so), choosing to love someone and work on the R even when things are tough, the best of way to make changes in a R is to make changes in yourself, etc.. I'm hopeful that talking with him about these things every so often will help make a difference in his future relationships.
Aw shucks Andrew, let's settle this like men. If you're right, I'll give you three dozen peanut butter cookies. If I'm right, then I'd like a German chocolate cake.
If I had a son there would be so many things I would tell them about marriage. I wish my dad had sat me down and had the talk.
This is a hard topic and i don’t necessarily think there is an answer. It’s what feels right to you.
I have been honest at an age appropriate level with my son. And when he’s older and asks more questions I will continue to be honest. I feel like I have nothing to hide and I do not want to be dishonest in order to protect my ex’s actions from my son. I always act in a way that I think is best for my son. I do not say nasty things about my ex. I make sure things run smoothly for their visits. But I want to be honest.
My ex’s mother lied to my ex so that he never knew about their marital issues, about his dad leaving them and the coming back later etc. He thought that the way his mom and dad were was healthy and normal. he thought his dad was out provdiding for them. But I wonder what that type of secrecy does, cause as a young kid he had to have questions, he had to have known something was off.. I don’t want a repeat in patterns.
Again, everyone is different. My son knows my ex left me, not him. That my ex has problems and that’s why he left us and doesn’t see him as much as other dads see their kids. That when he grows up he will never leave his kids
Juju,
Good point, but so it is clear, I haven’t, nor will I, lie to my son... if he ever asks me the question, I will make sure he wants an answer and if so, I will tell him. But I don’t think he will ever ask, he has never even mentioned his mother to me until our conversation yesterday, and he rarely brings up anything about the past, he lives in the moment.
I can give a little input on this topic as a parent and as a teen.
I was 17 when my dad left my mom. And yes, he cheated. And yes, he married OW. It’s much more complicated than that, but, from my perspective.....
I knew what my dad did. But my dad was my world, the one who raised me and I didn’t want to know about it so I avoided asking for a long time. I just didn’t want to know. I just wanted him to be my dad. I wanted out of their issues
As a parent.... my daughter has come right out recently and asked me if her father cheated on her. I at first asked her “ do you really want to know? Is this going to benefit you at all? Then I distracted her with the cookie stand we were going to, because she is 11 I can distract her with cookies.
I will tell her the truth when I have to. Not with angst and bitterness, just with truth. I dread the day it comes that I have to answer it because I don’t want her relationship ruined with her dad and stepmom. But like juju, my daughter does know this wasn’t my choice.
Tough stuff. It’s unfortunately. It in any parenting book
Thank you for your perspective Ginger, it seems that you have a very good relationship with your father, so knowing doesn't seem to guarantee a loss of parent / child R. Loved the cookie distraction method, hilarious.
I joined a new singles group a about a month ago on facebook, most of the members live in a city about an hour north of me, but there are some members that live in areas between the two cities. I live on the very northern edge of my city, I'm about 30 minutes north of downtown of my city and about an hour south of the cities downtown north of me, so I decided the distance wouldn't be a deal breaker, mostly because I just haven't met many people who live near me so I'm always driving anyway. So anyway, I met up with the group two weeks ago for a night out at a dueling piano bar, I've always enjoyed going to those and it was a lot of fun. I ended up having a nice conversation with a lady who is 8 yrs older than me albeit looks very young for her age (lets call her smalls since she is like 5' 100lbs, but not frail). I didn't see it as anything other than getting to know someone in the group (wasn't trying to pick her up), but I enjoyed the conversation and ended up talking to her for a couple of hours.
During our conversation, another girl from the group came up to us and before I had even noticed she was there I heard her say something about dancing, my thought was that she knew smalls and had said that we both should join in with everyone dancing. I wasn't in the mood to dance and was enjoying the conversation so I declined and after confirming that I didn't want to dance she walked away. I ended up leaving before the night was over since I had a early morning apt the next day. There was a group picnic the next day that I went to, smalls was there and we talked a little, but I there was another lady there that I wanted to talk to so spent most of my time with her.
That day (day after the piano bar), the girl who had asked about dancing contacted me and told me that I should have danced with her. Although I thought she was saying we should all dance, she in fact had specifically asked me to dance with her, I told her that I had misunderstood what she asked and would have danced with her if I knew that was what she was asking. Anyway, we ended up talking for awhile and made plans for a date last Saturday, I was going to take her to a distillery for a tour and then go out to dinner. on Thursday, she told me her father had rented a beach house for the family so she had to cancel the date.
Since I was looking forward to the distillery tour (they make rum and moonshine, and I've never been to a distillery) I contacted smalls and invited her. She had plans with her son during the day and couldn't go, but invited me to a country bar that she was going to that night with some friends, I accepted the invite since I really enjoy country bars, although I've taken line dance lessons I don't really dance, but enjoy watching the ladies dance.. Ladies in tight jeans dancing around Is just sexy. Anyway, there was a guy at the club who was trying to hit on smalls, so she asked me to stay close so she could shake this guy. I had a really good time, we laughed, danced a little and towards the end of the night we were slow dancing and I ended up kissing her, throughout the night I had become really attracted to her.
All that to say that I'm not sure how I feel about her being so much older than me. Right now, you would never know that she is 8 yrs my senior, she is very attractive, active, healthy, etc. But it does give me pause when I think what the age difference may be like in 5 or 10 years. I do realize the hypocrisy of this, being that women frequently get involved with guys 8 yrs, or more, their senior and I had infact had just recently made a date with a lady 12 yrs my junior (in fairness she told me she prefers "older men"). I guess my main concern is that I live an active outdoor lifestyle and it's important to me that my "partner" be able to partake in that with me (not all the time but occasionally)..
C'Nut - I think there is a bias among single people of both genders towards younger potential partners. It's just that men get away with it more than women.
If you look at the long game, women tend to live longer than me and are often healthier as they age I believe. Also if you want to be a bit more "practical" if they have a good pension they can retire before you, you've got a stay at home partner who also has an income and the energy to still be active.
I think some women look at a mature guy as being perhaps more stable and in some cases a jump start on a comfortable life without the struggling middle part. But then what happens when we aren't as active and they are still in their prime?
I was given some excellent advice a couple of months ago here. It was to look at the person more so than the package and the externals. Especially with OLD it's easy to just "swipe left". It seems to have worked rather well for me at present.
Coconut - I don't remember how old you are or what stage of life you are in - that can make a big difference.
Example - if you're young and think you might like to have another kid one day, dating a woman 8 years older is a dumb idea.
On the other hand, if you're 50 and she's a vibrant sexually active 58 - she's still likely to outlive you.
Longevity runs in my family (mom is 87 and just retired last year, her mother lived to be 99).
I think that this is actually a smaller age gap than the other way around - that is, a guy 8 years older than I am is likely to die 10-20 years earlier than me, whereas a guy 10 years younger might last as long as me.
I DO think though that some men's egos can't handle dating a woman who is older - because some men are used to being the "older, wiser. more powerful" person. My ex-husband was 4 years younger than I (we married when I was 30 and he was 26, which was a bit of a gap) and I think on some level it always rankled him, especially as I was his professional equal and he knew that I did better than him on exams in school (which I never felt was significant - his type of intelligence is different than mine but equally valid - but it bothered him). When he left he ended up marrying a girl 19 years younger who acts like she's 15 and is not quite his equal in terms of professional accomplishment (although she is a professional). I think she's fine but that there's a part of him that enjoys NOT being in an equal relationship.
For the record, since my divorce in my early 50's, I've dated one man who was a couple of years older. All the others just happened to be younger - ranging from 9 years (Mr Big Lots) to 7 years (crazy ex-BF) to 3 years (CMM). In none of those relationships was my age a factor in any way. The only times it was a factor was a couple of dates who were waaaay to young for me.(More than 15 years). Still friends with them though.
Oh and btw - not an intentional act on my part but guys a little younger than I am are more likely to still be sexually functional if you get my drift. Sex isn't everything but if a woman is postmenopausal and still sexually vibrant you probably have no worries going forward - if she's lost interest in sex after menopause that's a different situation.
I was given some excellent advice a couple of months ago here. It was to look at the person more so than the package and the externals.
Interesting thought, I will admit the age difference kept me from thinking of her in a romantic way initially, but as I spent more time with her and got to know her a little, I stopped seeing the age difference and started becoming attracted to her.
I DO think though that some men's egos can't handle dating a woman who is older - because some men are used to being the "older, wiser. more powerful" person.
Thank you for your input, gave me some insight that is helpful, especially the menopause thing, not really something I've ever talked about or thought about. To answer your question, I'm 46 and she is 54.
Everyone I've ever been in a relationship with in the past has been very attractive, I've always dated up as they say. When I first decided to start dating last year I tried to convince myself that I wasn't going to limit myself to what I've been used to, but that's not been an easy thing to get past. I've often found myself thinking about what others would think of "her" when I'm out on dates, I don't like that I do that, but it's not a habit that's easy to break. Over time, I've been able to think about that less and have tried to replace that thought with a good ol' "I don't give a **** what other people think, I think she is cute".
With her I found myself asking that question again, it will be the first time I've ever dated an older woman, thus part of my reason for my asking for thoughts. One of the things that I have struggled with is I have a very young looking mom, she had me at 18 and has always been very good looking (friends throughout school always felt the need to tell me how pretty she was). I've been out with a few woman in their 30's who looked or acted older than my mom, and I just wasn't able to get past that feeling. Anyway, I think my ego would be just fine dating her, the fact is she is one of the more attractive woman that I've dated lately.
46 to 54 is kind of a perfect age gap - she'll probably still outlive you but not by much.
I do get though that you having had a young, attractive mom puts a little bit of an "ick" factor into dating an older woman.
Just remind yourself that physiologically you both are probably the same age. And if she's post-menopausal you don't have to worry about accidental pregnancies!
My brother married someone over 10 years older then him. My brother is considered really good looking (I remember my friends all having crushes on him when we were younger) and he’s very well educated. We all adore her. They are honestly, the healthiest couple I have ever met. I remember when I was with my ex, comparing us to them and feeling like I wish I had their relationship.
I dated someone 6 years younger then me before i dated my recent ex bf. He loved me (or told me he did) I did not have those feelings for him. Some things I really liked about a millennial man, somethings not so much and we’re real deal breakers . Like KML said, it all depends on where you are in your life and on the individual.
B had a laugh today when I mentioned to her that I told the kids that with the power outage we had for much of the day that I'm glad that I'm dating someone who gets hot flashes
Not that she has ever even been inside my house - but still - unexpected side benefits of dating an older woman?
My ex started going through menopause at around 49 I think. It was pretty rough on her and part of what I think led her off in to la-la land. It made me "almost" feel sorry for OM having to deal with her rages. They were quite nasty and to the degree that I worried about self-harm. Age can vary quite a bit as can how they feel about things like sex after "the change". Coming on to the scene after that can be an advantage I think.
Given your age C'Nut - you are in a bit of a conundrum. You are still young enough to start another family and since you've not had kids of your own it may be something to think about as to if that is one of your priorities. And at 49 you are young enough even for a woman in her mid 30s to seriously consider. Or the 20ish one you flirted with but that is a bit of a stretch in many ways. On the other hand you are nicely into "boy toy" category for many older women and as an established adult, a safer pick for them.
You sir - are prime real-estate. But don't let it go to your head
I get the strong impression that you are still looking at finding who you are and what you want in life as opposed to those of us who have made our choices about whether we will be looking to re-couple or not.
Its been awhile since I’ve added to my story, I’ve been keeping up here occasionally, but I haven’t had much to say about where I am. Mostly I just live my life, I have been dating but haven’t met anyone worth mentioning, not dating anyone I see as a possible long term R.. I am sexually active (fwb situation), but we are open and honest with each other (as best as I can tell), she knows I’m looking for LTR and she isn’t ready to commit, but I haven’t changed my stance of not sleeping with more than one person at a time.. anyway, I saw someone on OLD today that really caught my attention today. She is a bit younger than me, by about 8 yrs (she’s 38 and I’m 46), but what she said in her profile is what I’ve been looking for. She’s country at heart, into the outdoors, isn’t afraid to bait her own hook, enjoys being out in the woods, on the water and just generally enjoys the outdoors. She stated she wanted more than a hillbilly, likes someone who is intelligent and is educated.
I’m back here because I want to ask for advice, I reached out to her in a completely different way than my norm. I’m always honest with woman nowadays, good or bad, but I don’t tend to show my emotional side. I tend to keep it short and to the point, not wanting to lead them on, but I indulged with her. I’m concerned that I may have presented a side of me that doesn’t portray me completely, and may give her an impression that I’m more “beta” (for lack of a better term) than I am in R’s. Anyway, here is what I reached out to her with, I was going for humor, but worried it may be taken the wrong way. What say you?
I don’t have many people come across my OLD profile that I feel are worth reaching out to, but I saw one today who really caught my attention. I decided I want to really try and get her attention so I wrote the following and wondering what y’all ladies think. Did I say too much?
Keep in mind, she stated in her profile that she likes humor and she likes someone who has something to say, to use your words, so I went all out.
——————————————————-
I’ve been told I sometimes say too much, one person even told me I wrote a book in response to a question that was asked; but you asked me to use my words, so I shall indulge your request. I’m a pretty normal guy, although my young niece recently told me I was not normal because my second toe is slightly longer than my big toe and hers isn’t.. I just told her I like the way my feet look and I’m ok with embracing my uniqueness.
I like to live life, I moved here from Ft. Lauderdale to get away from urban sprawl and gain access to the great outdoors, I have taken full advantage of it and really feel alive. While i clean up well and am comfortable spending a night out on the town rooftop dining overlooking the city, I’d prefer taking a dirt road to the lake, picnic on the shore after a swim, dance in the glow of the headlights after sunset and end the night in the back of the truck looking at the stars. One of my current goals is finding a clear dark night sky so I can get a clear view of the Milky Way, I was able to get a glimpse of it a few weeks ago while camping in the mountains near Boone, but the sky wasn’t quite clear enough to really see it in whole, just the brighter parts of it. Hopefully the next new moon will give me the opportunity.
I don’t consider myself old, definitely don’t live that way, but I recently realized that I’m older than google, that hit me pretty hard. I mean, google seems like it’s been around forever.
Hopefully at worst you’ll find this a little entertaining and you’ll get a smile out of it even if you’re not interested. At best, you’ll realize I’m educated enough to use the proper forms of you, your and you’re; to, two and too and you have lowered your (not you’re) standards enough to find that alone attractive and want to write me back.
This is by far the most I’ve ever written for first contact, but I enjoyed writing it, thank you for challenging me.
Have a wonderful day,
Donnie
Coconut,
I like what you wrote. It seems to come from the heart and it's not too sappy or over-the-top. I'm betting you'll hear (not here) from her.
You had me at "you, your and you're" lol
I’d totally go out with you if you wrote that to me
Coconut,
I like what you wrote. It seems to come from the heart and it's not too sappy or over-the-top. I'm betting you'll hear (not here) from her.
It’s good to he’re that from you bud, hope you are doing well.. for what it’s worth, I think selling the house and moving on will do you well.
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You had me at "you, your and you're" lol
lol, glad I could enlighten your grammar requirements..
Coconut,
I like what you wrote. It seems to come from the heart and it's not too sappy or over-the-top. I'm betting you'll hear (not here) from her.
It’s good to he’re that from you bud, hope you are doing well.. for what it’s worth, I think selling the house and moving on will do you well.
You had me at "you, your and you're" lol
lol, glad I could enlighten your grammar requirements..
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NEVER underestimate the power of correct grammar and good spelling. I thought maybe it was the teacher in me or the fact that I live in the South where people tend to write as they speak, which we all know is not technically correct, but from other posts on this very board, I'm learning that poor grammar and spelling tend to be a universal thing, regardless of location. I would skip over profiles with bad grammar and "your/you're" misused. I can deal with things like "reckon", "y'all", "fixin' to", but I just can't with "your cute". LOL For what it is worth, I liked what you wrote. It was descriptive without coming across arrogant, braggy, boastful.
Hey there C'Nut - don't be too disappointed if you don't hear back. Just consider it batting practice.
There's so much noise out there in the OLD world that it's tough to be heard from what I understand.
I’d totally go out with you if you wrote that to me
Aww shucks, thanks G
NEVER underestimate the power of correct grammar and good spelling. I thought maybe it was the teacher in me or the fact that I live in the South where people tend to write as they speak, which we all know is not technically correct, but from other posts on this very board, I'm learning that poor grammar and spelling tend to be a universal thing, regardless of location. I would skip over profiles with bad grammar and "your/you're" misused. I can deal with things like "reckon", "y'all", "fixin' to", but I just can't with "your cute". LOL For what it is worth, I liked what you wrote. It was descriptive without coming across arrogant, braggy, boastful.
I agree, some of the Facebook posts I see sometimes takes me a few minutes to figure out what they are trying to say. I try to write well, although sometimes I’ll use some slang words.
I agree, some of the Facebook posts I see sometimes takes me a few minutes to figure out what they are trying to say. I try to write well, although sometimes I’ll use some slang words.
I use slang as well, especially in an informal setting like this or Facebook, but Lord have mercy, I'm with you. Sometimes I see Facebook posts and I really have to think about what they are trying to say. Along with those facebook peeps who want to "sale" me something or have something for "sell". Drives me CRAZY!
It’s good to he’re that from you bud, hope you are doing well.. for what it’s worth, I think selling the house and moving on will do you well.
Coconut,
You're right, it finally sunk into my think skull; I need to move. I love the house and the memories. But, it's just too much house for me to maintain, particularly since it's just me every other week. It's time to move on.
If I weren’t married, I would go out with you too, Donnie. And I’m a Californian all the way. Lol. If she doesn’t take the bait, she’s a dummy!
Well played!
Blu
The lady I sent that message to did reach out, we conversed back and forth a couple of times, but then she ghosted so not going anywhere.
Figure I'll go a little more into detail about the FWB situation that I have going on. We meet on OLD, we started chatting and the conversation really went well, I think we ended up chatting that night for 3 or 4 hours straight and she said that she generally waits awhile before meeting someone in person but she was intrigued and wanted to meet, so we met up 2 days later and it's been going great since.
She's only 3 months post separation and in the process of the divorce proceedings, you have to be separated for a year here before you can D, but during that year they are working out all the financials, etc. She knows she isn't ready to commit to someone, she has been very clear and upfront about that. From what she's told me, she was married for 23 years, they met in college and have two kids 19 and 21. He was military, got PTSD and retired under disability about 5 years ago, he became emotionally abusive and she tried for a few years and then gave up on the marriage about 2 years ago and walked out 3 months ago because she began to fear for her safety.
We rarely talk on the phone, there is the occasional texting back and forth and we get together about once every week or two. Generally, we will go out on a Friday or Saturday and then she will stay over and we will do some adventure in the morning before she heads home.
For me it's working pretty well, I've been careful to not fall for her and remain detached, we get along very well when we are together and there are no expectations. I've taken her to a rodeo, antique shopping, hiking, to the middle of a state forest to watch the stars from the bed of my truck, etc.. All things that I would generally do alone, but she's enjoyed everything I've thrown at her and I've never felt pressure to make sure she enjoys herself.
Anyway, the company is good, the sex is great and I'm continuing to talk to other ladies. I'd be ok if she broke it off today, I would miss the companionship but I'm still doing my thing (btw - went hunting for the first time ever yesterday, went for Dove, I didn't get any but it was a fun day with the guys).. One thing I have noticed is that having her in my life has put a lot less pressure on trying to find someone, meaning I am literally fine with however dates go and don't get nervous before heading out to meet for the first time and I just feel more at ease with everything. Overall, while I know that there is NO long term possibility here, it has really been a good thing for me right now.
I am struggling with something that is bothering me, and I'm not sure if i'm in the wrong for thinking the way I am or if what I'm feeling is fair and understandable. Not sure of any place other than here where I could talk about it and possibly get some feedback. A warning, this might be TMI, but I'm trying to give information that explains why I feel the way I do.
Long story short, my FWB and I have been getting along splendidly, I would say that we are more dating than are FWB as we go out and do something every time we see each other, and she sleeps over pretty much every night we go out. We generally will spend a night together 3 out of every 4 weeks, but there is very little communication outside of the time we spend together (like maybe one text session every 2 weeks for about 30 minutes).
I took her on a trip with me this last weekend, I wanted to go up to the mountains and see the fall colors, so I invited her to come along, the entire trip was on me (only additional costs of her going was her meals).
We went out Thursday night and then she stayed over Thursday and we left Friday morning. Long story short, after a little foreplay in bed Thursday I asked her if she was on her cycle, she told me she was, and I said that's really unfortunate but I did not want to be intimate while that was going on. We went to bed shortly after.
Friday night I had a hard time sleeping at the hotel, i'm not sure why I couldn't sleep but while i was laying there, the fact that I was sexually frustrated was on my mind. In the morning she asked why I couldn't sleep and I told her I wasn't sure, but I was honest with her and told her I think that because the weekend wasn't working out quite like I had hoped I think being sexually frustrated had a lot to do with it. I think I should mention we hadn't seen each other for two weeks prior to this trip due to me going on other trips the previous weekends.
Saturday night we kissed a little when we went to bed, but I did not want to get myself worked up (by this time I kinda realized there were not going to be any benefits on this trip) so it was an early night. Sunday morning I asked her why there were no benefits on this trip (it was bothering me and I wanted to be honest), she initially said she was going to Saturday night but then I said I was going to go to sleep, then she said that she still has a hard time initiating (which I always do, but I wasn't going to ask for something when I was the one not willing to have intercourse).
I am not sure if I feel like there should have been benefits because of nice guy tendencies, such as I was nice to take you on this trip and you owe me, or if my feelings are valid and she was being a little selfish. It might be worth mentioning that I am very generous in bed, when we are together there have only been two sessions where I didn't make sure she finished and those where in the morning after I had made sure she did the night before, and I have given certain benefits many more times than I have received said benefits.
I'm now questioning if I want to keep seeing her. Am I being a jerk for feeling this way?
Well, clearly, I don't know all the subtle nuances since I was not a part of the encounter, so I can only comment based on what you have shared and my own assumptions surrounding that, but I will say this. If I was fooling around with someone and they told me they didn't want to be intimate while I was on my cycle (your phrasing), then I would not initiate anything at any point while I was on it. My reason for that response is that "being intimate" to me means a lot of different things. If I were the woman in question and you had said "I don't want to have sex while you are on it" then I may very well initiate other things. But if you use the blanket term of being intimate, then I'm going to stay pulled back.
I think your feelings are valid, so I'm not going to comment on whether you are being a jerk or not, because that really isn't even my place to say. What I'm wondering, though, based on the information that you gave is, would it have made a difference if y'all weren't on this trip so you were basically forced (for lack of a better word) to stay together or is it maybe that the trip, itself, was a bigger step than you anticipated and now it is seeming like more than you thought? if I'm understanding your explanation correctly, you hadn't seen each other in 2 weeks and then she stayed over Thursday night to leave Friday. You told her then you didn't want to be intimate and then carried on with your trip, effectively making y'all stuck in the same room for 2 nights (Fri and Sat). I have had FWB relationships before and never have I gone on a weekend get-away with one of them, so I'm wondering if that might be affecting your thinking?
Why are you questioning continuing to see her? I'm not sure I'm drawing a logical conclusion between lack of sex and stopping seeing her when you are only spending a night together roughly once a week. Sorry I am rambling but so many questions...…………...LOL
When a girls goes on a trip with you, she’s taking time off of a work and family schedule to be with you. So no, it doesn’t mean she owes you anything or is being selfish. Plus you guys went dutch. You wanted a trip away and you wanted company and did the inviting. So she was doing you the favor of accompanying you. I think it showed that she was a good sport by paying for meals. Periods are not 100 percent predictable.. A lot of women have painful cramps and fatigue too. She was not being selfish. Plus - there are tons of guys that are ok with period sex (I’m shocked by this too- but trust me a lot are). So she could say your being selfish too.
Now with a FWB situation, I guess it depends on what else is available to you as to whether you want to keep seeing her. Those situations are more about being selfish anyway. They are not about giving and reciprocal relationships. They are about getting your needs met without having to invest - so why would you expect more from her?
Coconut, if I’m being totally honest here...... you make it sound like she owes you sex because you paid for her vacation. That sounds a little prostituty.
Did she really have her period? If you didn’t want sex at that time, what was she supposed to do? Do you feel she shouldn’t have come if she wasn’t able to have sex with you? Did you feel like she owed you a BJ if she had her period?
You kind of make it sound like you only want to be with her if she is having sex with you or giving you some form of pleasure every time.
And the pressure of knowing a guy expects it makes a woman very fun shy to initiate. I went through this with my ex husband. I thought I hated sex. But I don’t. I just don’t want it “expected as a duty or in payment of something”. I remember I would be so sore from work and ask my ex husband for a massage. He wouldn’t do it unless it ended in sex. And if he ever offered me one I knew it wasn’t because I had a rough night at work. It was because he wanted to get laid, and that is the biggest turnoff .
I hope this helps. I think having an expectation of a certain amount of sexual activity and in repayment of nice gestures.
I mean, it exist, but it’s a paying job;)
Try not putting on pressure or have expectations and I bet she initiates more.
Wow, interesting topic with a lot here. And finally something I actually have a bit more recent experience with - FWB LOL. But let's start here:
I took her on a trip with me this last weekend, I wanted to go up to the mountains and see the fall colors, so I invited her to come along, the entire trip was on me (only additional costs of her going was her meals).
Interesting how different people can read the same paragraph but have different take aways. I read that and it would appear to me that Coconut paid for everything or pretty much everything - the hotel, the travel expense and perhaps even the meals - simply pointing out that the costs would have been pretty much the same other than meals. JuJu reads it as they went Dutch. Coconut will have to clear it up but I don't think they went dutch JuJu - I think he paid for it all.
But does that make a difference?
Here I go agreeing with Ginger again but I have to tell you, I bend over backwards not to ever make it look like I expect sex for taking someone, even a FWB, some place. For me the cruise was/is the biggest example - if it happens, great, but just like a first date, because I'm taking someone some place, I'm not expecting "benefits" - it sorta sounds like you are and that's kinda a douche thing to do.
But moreso, FWB can be very difficult to navigate - and that's just for the two people in it. Again, not to pick on JuJu, but she clearly looks down at FWB arrangements - somehow being less than. If someone is being used, I would agree but that is often not the case. However, it means both people have to be on the same page. Are you guys both on the same page?
That's where I'd start - is she on the same page as you? And here's the other thing, the page often turns. Some women use FWB thinking the guy is going to change his mind. Some start out clearly in the FWB zone but then catch feelings and resent it. It really takes a, let's say, unique woman to pull this off. I've even had it slip farther than FWB - at least feelings wise. I've also lost interest and just wanted to be friends without the benefits. Sometimes it comes and goes. It can just be tricky. Some women and some men as well use FWB as a safe zone when really they are dating - they just are afraid to admit it either to each other or to themselves. These are just a few variations of FWB and there are more.
Can I ask, is this the woman who liked every single picture in the dozen plus photos you posted? If so, I'm wondering if she's not either hoping for more, thinking it was developing to more or something like that. You clearly took steps to not post of photo of her or of you together yet she liked every photo. That speaks to me - unless it's not her then never mind LOL.
So bottom line, for me anyhow, I think you are over the line here towards being a jerk. Like Ginger said it's getting close to almost a protitutie sounding. Of course some would say that's what dating is too - no matter what you pay, it's just how the transaction happens. I'm not saying this is the case but see how the parallel can be drawn. Benefits should not be expected in return for taking someone someplace. That's just how I see it. And I see it that way with a first or second date, a FWB or someone you've dated for years. Now if this were a pattern, that's another story.
Perhaps this is what you need to answer for yourself - would you have taken this woman if you knew sex was off the table? If not, hmmmmmmm, is it really friends with benefits or just benefits? Many times, people forget about the friends part of the equation. Another reason this can be hard to pull off over the long term.
Coconut, if I’m being totally honest here...... you make it sound like she owes you sex because you paid for her vacation. That sounds a little prostituty.
Did she really have her period? If you didn’t want sex at that time, what was she supposed to do? Do you feel she shouldn’t have come if she wasn’t able to have sex with you? Did you feel like she owed you a BJ if she had her period?
You kind of make it sound like you only want to be with her if she is having sex with you or giving you some form of pleasure every time.
YES! SO much this! I wanted to say it seemed like you thought she owed you sex for going and your picking up the tab, but I don't know you and I don't think, even if that was what was on your mind, you would put it out there quite like that. I'm glad someone who actually knows you weighed in on that.
don - I viewed it as going Dutch cause plane tickets weren’t involved and figure hes paying for the hotel anyway, regardless of whether she goes. She paid for all her own meals.
I do not look down on FWB. Personally, I wouldn’t have a relationship like that for the reasons you listed and more. But if it works for others, I never judge. I just personally would want more and i can’t sleep with someone casually. Other people view it more openly and as long as both people go in with no expectations and are honest there is absolutely no harm.
All I was saying is that in a FWB type of relationship, it’s not really about investing or giving. So why would he expect her to give if she wasn’t getting pleasure. It’s not like there is love or a relationship. Just like she can’t expect him to find someone else if he’s not happy with the arrangement. There’s no real investment which is the advantage of an arrangement like that.
And he argues that he’s paying for the trip but Considering meals weren’t included, I would think that her half of the price of a hotel is probably significantly cheaper then a high quality escort without stds. At least he’s gets kissed. So it was a gamble on his part. And he doesn’t have to gamble on her if there are other women out there for him.
Hey C'Nut - long time. I have a bit different perspective on this but I am a few years older and also have had very different life experiences having married relatively young and then stayed married to the same woman for pretty much my entire adult life thus far. A woman who didn't like sex especially with her pain and mobility issues. So while sex is - as I am learning rather late in life - can be a whole lot of fun - it's not been a requirement for me. So my opinions might not match your own wants and needs.
I am not sure if I feel like there should have been benefits because of nice guy tendencies, such as I was nice to take you on this trip and you owe me, or if my feelings are valid and she was being a little selfish.
It's honest of you to think this way. Most guys including myself would have thought that a nice weekend away with someone I'd been intimate with before would be disappointed to not get some action.
I'm now questioning if I want to keep seeing her. Am I being a jerk for feeling this way?
Yep. Accept that.
What is it you are actually looking for from this lady? Sex on demand or someone who you like spending time with both horizontally and vertically who
on this particular event wasn't available for the horizontal mambo. Keep in mind as well that based on what you wrote / I read - you were the one who backed away from that. Dumping someone who you have been enjoying spending time with just because on this one single trip is - in my personal opinion - kind of a jerk sort of move. If it becomes a consistent pattern and you are in it more for the benefits than the person, then yes, re-evaluating things makes more sense.
Just my 2 cents.
Dude,
I know exactly what's going on. You've been a little anxious for the past month or three, haven't you? There's been something nagging you inside but you haven't been able to identify why you're feeling "off" on any given day. There's a reason you've been feeling that way; it's because she's not FWB. You're married dude! It's the old ball and chain. Holy f*ck knuckles Batman, now it all makes sense doesn't it?
Why can't you remember getting married? It's because of acute post marital dissociative amnesia disorder (PMDAD). PMDAD happens in one in fifty marriages. You see, you and the miss were out partying, imbibing alcohol, doin' a little reefer and maybe some molly and you were in love with everything including the FWB. You did what seemed logical at the time; you got married.
Now that the PMDAD is in full force, you don't remember the marriage and you're thinking with your joey. You think a little weekend excursion is going to get you some goody. H3ll no dude! You're married. It's gong to require a week long cruise, some jewelry and a new car before you get any more goody. That's the breaks, man. You might as well find her a boyfriend because you're in this for the long haul.
Funny how everyone sees it a little differently. I was thinking that Coconut might have been feeling a little put out because he was expecting a ROMANTIC weekend and really would like it to be something MORE than FWB.
So which is it, Coconut - you secretly wish the relationship would turn into more, or you're just put out that she didn't put out?
And I agree, if some guy told me he didn't want to be intimate because I was on my period, I'd interpret that to mean no hanky panky. (Also, bear in mind, if she was having cramps/pain she may not have felt very interested in sex.)
.
If I was fooling around with someone and they told me they didn't want to be intimate while I was on my cycle (your phrasing), then I would not initiate anything at any point while I was on it. My reason for that response is that "being intimate" to me means a lot of different things.
poor choice of words on my part, we were somewhat intimate (kissing, rubbing, etc.) Thursday and Friday night, but sex is what I said I didn’t want to do.
What I'm wondering, though, based on the information that you gave is, would it have made a difference if y'all weren't on this trip so you were basically forced (for lack of a better word) to stay together or is it maybe that the trip, itself, was a bigger step than you anticipated and now it is seeming like more than you thought?
I don’t think the trip made a difference, we had a lot of fun together. The only difference having her on the trip is that taking care of the sexual frustration myself would have been a little awkward.
You told her then you didn't want to be intimate and then carried on with your trip, effectively making y'all stuck in the same room for 2 nights (Fri and Sat). I have had FWB relationships before and never have I gone on a weekend get-away with one of them, so I'm wondering if that might be affecting your thinking?
that’s why I opened up with we are more like dating. We are not in a R because of where she is at in life (still married for another 6 months or so, working through her divorce), while we keep some space when we aren’t around each other, we do see each other pretty frequently and always make dates or activities of it when we see each other. It’s not a come over and chill thing.
Why are you questioning continuing to see her? I'm not sure I'm drawing a logical conclusion between lack of sex and stopping seeing her when you are only spending a night together roughly once a week. Sorry I am rambling but so many questions...…………...LOL
I think because until now, I always felt there was a possibility of a LTR once she got her life together. But now I’m not sure that I see that, I guess I want someone who is as generous as I am sexually and not just when there is a tit for tat.
I viewed it as going Dutch cause plane tickets weren’t involved and figure hes paying for the hotel anyway, regardless of whether she goes. She paid for all her own meals.
I paid for everything, I was just saying the only additional costs to me were her meals.
I do not look down on FWB. Personally, I wouldn’t have a relationship like that for the reasons you listed and more. But if it works for others, I never judge. I just personally would want more and i can’t sleep with someone casually. Other people view it more openly and as long as both people go in with no expectations and are honest there is absolutely no harm.
this is my first, and likely my last. While in general it has been nice, the truth is that while I have gone on dates with other woman, the thought of having to break it off with this woman (and likely hurting her) has me concerned about liking someone new. So that’s kind of getting in the way of me giving someone else a real chance, it’s like blow my socks off the first time we meet or it’s not worth it. Which isn’t realistic.
All I was saying is that in a FWB type of relationship, it’s not really about investing or giving. So why would he expect her to give if she wasn’t getting pleasure. It’s not like there is love or a relationship. Just like she can’t expect him to find someone else if he’s not happy with the arrangement. There’s no real investment which is the advantage of an arrangement like that.
while we both have agreed that our relationship has no expectation of exclusiveness, we are closer than FWB, we do spend a lot of quality time together. And I’ve done things with no expectation of reciprocity in the past.
And he argues that he’s paying for the trip but Considering meals weren’t included, I would think that her half of the price of a hotel is probably significantly cheaper then a high quality escort without stds. At least he’s gets kissed. So it was a gamble on his part. And he doesn’t have to gamble on her if there are other women out there for him.
Ouch.. there are other woman out there for me, I went on a date 3 weeks ago and someone at work just gave me her number to call her about 30 minutes ago (it was a matchmaking by a co-worker).. I didn’t argue I was paying for the trip, I was just concerned that I might be using that as an excuse to get mad that I didn’t get any.. which I don’t think that’s the reason for being disappointed, but I recognize that it might be.
Coconut, if I’m being totally honest here...... you make it sound like she owes you sex because you paid for her vacation. That sounds a little prostituty.
If I thought she owed me something I would have initiated it and it likely would have happened. What I want is someone who wants to make me happy as much as I want to make them happy sexually.
You kind of make it sound like you only want to be with her if she is having sex with you or giving you some form of pleasure every time.
I would be interested in how you came up with that based on what I said.. but the foundation of our “arrangement” started out as sexual partners, so based on that I guess you could say having sex is expected. But I would have no problem going out with her and then dropping her off at home with no sex involved.. in fact, the whole thing I’m facing is dropping the with benefits part and telling her I just want to be friends..
I bend over backwards not to ever make it look like I expect sex for taking someone, even a FWB, some place. For me the cruise was/is the biggest example - if it happens, great, but just like a first date, because I'm taking someone some place, I'm not expecting "benefits" - it sorta sounds like you are and that's kinda a douche thing to do.
I don’t need to bend over backwards to make it not look like I expect sex with her, she is much more aggressive towards having sex than I am most of the time, frequently implying while we are out how much she is looking forward to getting home, etc..
That's where I'd start - is she on the same page as you? And here's the other thing, the page often turns. Some women use FWB thinking the guy is going to change his mind.
Yes, we are on the same page as far as where we stand, but I think that if the opportunity was there to have a healthy R right now, we would both be on that page.
Can I ask, is this the woman who liked every single picture in the dozen plus photos you posted? If so, I'm wondering if she's not either hoping for more, thinking it was developing to more or something like that.
No, the person who liked most of the pics was an old neighbor I grew up next door to.
So bottom line, for me anyhow, I think you are over the line here towards being a jerk.
Ok, thank you for answering my question straight forward, the reason I posted was because I was being unfair in my expectation.
Perhaps this is what you need to answer for yourself - would you have taken this woman if you knew sex was off the table?
Absolutely, we have a great time together, but I wouldn’t have messed around with her before finding out she was on her cycle and got myself worked up.. I did go into the weekend with an expectation that we would be sexual, but if I knew ahead of time that we wouldn’t I still would have wanted her to come along.
I'm now questioning if I want to keep seeing her. Am I being a jerk for feeling this way?
Yep. Accept that.
fair enough.. as for what i want, i've explained it but basically for someone who is similar to me in the enjoyment of bedroom activities, both giving and receiving.. Which by the way, she is not.. maybe that's my problem, is I've always wished there was more directed to me and this nothing for a whole weekend just caused it to come to a head.
It's gong to require a week long cruise, some jewelry and a new car before you get any more goody.
lol
Funny how everyone sees it a little differently. I was thinking that Coconut might have been feeling a little put out because he was expecting a ROMANTIC weekend and really would like it to be something MORE than FWB.
So which is it, Coconut - you secretly wish the relationship would turn into more, or you're just put out that she didn't put out?
And I agree, if some guy told me he didn't want to be intimate because I was on my period, I'd interpret that to mean no hanky panky. (Also, bear in mind, if she was having cramps/pain she may not have felt very interested in sex.)
at this point, I remain in our current arrangement because I see a possible future to it. I'm not the type to just have her over for sex and get out, if I was then I guess I could keep the arrangement regardless, but without a possible future to it, i don't want to be in it.
...caused it to come to a head.
Even your metaphors are shouting that you're a cesspool of desire. Self gratification, if done infrequently, will not result in blindness. I have very strong glasses, but my eyes can still be corrected to 20/20 vision.
Why are you questioning continuing to see her? I'm not sure I'm drawing a logical conclusion between lack of sex and stopping seeing her when you are only spending a night together roughly once a week. Sorry I am rambling but so many questions...…………...LOL
I think because until now, I always felt there was a possibility of a LTR once she got her life together. But now I’m not sure that I see that, I guess I want someone who is as generous as I am sexually and not just when there is a tit for tat.
I get your point about wanting someone sexually compatible and agree that is very important. I didn't get the sense that this has been an issue before the trip, just based on what you wrote, but maybe it has. Not sure and it doesn't really matter if I get it or not, but I think the thing I do get is importance of sexual compatibility.
You kind of make it sound like you only want to be with her if she is having sex with you or giving you some form of pleasure every time.
I would be interested in how you came up with that based on what I said.. but the foundation of our “arrangement” started out as sexual partners, so based on that I guess you could say having sex is expected. But I would have no problem going out with her and then dropping her off at home with no sex involved.. in fact, the whole thing I’m facing is dropping the with benefits part and telling her I just want to be friends..
I don't want to put words in Ginger's mouth or yours for that matter, but I came up with the very same thing. You said y'all are FWB (which clearly indicates a relationship that is more about sex than anything else), but then you also say it is more like dating because y'all always spend time together and it isn't just a "Netflix and chill" kind of meet-up. You knew Thursday night she wasn't DTF and then were sexually frustrated because of it, so that does kind of sound like you invited her because sex was kind of a sure thing, so to speak.
I bend over backwards not to ever make it look like I expect sex for taking someone, even a FWB, some place. For me the cruise was/is the biggest example - if it happens, great, but just like a first date, because I'm taking someone some place, I'm not expecting "benefits" - it sorta sounds like you are and that's kinda a douche thing to do.
I don’t need to bend over backwards to make it not look like I expect sex with her, she is much more aggressive towards having sex than I am most of the time, frequently implying while we are out how much she is looking forward to getting home, etc..
I guess this is where I am confused, because to read what you wrote, I interpreted the whole thing as y'all see each other very rarely, but when you do, you do some date-like activity. She sleeps over probably once per 3 week period out of the month (your words in original post, maybe slightly paraphrased). You also said in there somewhere that she rarely initiates, but now you say she is aggressive towards sex. I can see where her moods might wax and wane and sometimes she might be the aggressor and sometimes she might not be, but in general, it sounded in the original post like you are usually the one who instigates. You even said here you went into the weekend with the expectation of sex. Now you followed that up with the thought that if you had known sex was off the table, you still would've wanted her to go.
To me, that last part is probably most telling. As a total arm-chair quarterback and an expert on absolutely nothing when it comes to relationships, it seems, at least from my outside perspective looking in, as though you were seeing this as a FWB that might just have the potential to move up the ladder based on the good times y'all have had, but the whole lack of sex might have slapped a little reality in there. Nothing bad in any of that and I actually applaud you for really looking at it seriously and asking hey, am I being a jerk or am I seeing this wrong because certainly not everyone is that introspective. I think it is actually quite supportive of your "nice guy" attitude that you are not automatically putting it all on her, but really examining what you are thinking and feeling too.
Regardless of the outcome, I think you are taking the right approach in really considering all of this.
Dawn,
I can see why there is confusion, i guess im trying to not get to detailed and the generic statements aren't adding up. I'll say this, she has always been very willing to do anything I initiate, but there is very little that she has ever initiated.
In the case of Oral, i've only asked a few times, because with a woman you do that and still have intercourse, but it takes me a little while to reload or it may just end the night.. to me that feels selfish. I don't want to have to ask every time, she knows i'm a fan and I guess I am dissapointed that she didn't make a move, like I said, i'm pretty sure if I would have initiated it she would have, but that's not what I wanted.. I wanted her to show me that she wanted to do it.
as far as going even if i knew sex was off the table, that is without question true. But when you know sex is off the table, you don't build up the desire, i had been looking forward to spending some quality sexual time with her, it wasn't until after foreplay had started and I ASKED that she told me she was on her cycle. There was a lot of build up before I found out sex was off the table.
I too got the impression that you were annoyed because she didn’t want to satisfy you when she herself couldn’t be satisfied. But I felt like the annoyance came more from the fact that you spent money and felt like she owed you. Obviously some form of sex is expected on a weekend away.
I think that if this was a relationship, you would have a right to question whether she is meeting your needs. Like what a loving partner she would be if she made sure you felt good when she couldn’t. And she could look at how you treated her. Like if she wasn’t feeling good, were you ok with that?
My point was more that - this isn’t a relationship. It’s a FWB. So it’s viewed different. Both partners are going in knowing they don’t have to give. It’s supposed to be mutually beneficial. But the trip doesn’t pay for sex. Or else it’s monetary exchange. I guess the sex act pays for the sex act in this case. And no one got anything. But on a different occasion (no menstruating) it could still resume as a no strings exchange. But expectations beyond that can’t be brought to the table.
I think in a relationship with love and passion, she would want to do that for you and you wouldn’t think twice about spending money on her because it would make her happy
Everything Dawn said. The way it was was written, you were mad you were denied sex because it was expected after you paid for the trip. And in one breath you said she doesn’t feel comfortable initiating and in the next you said she can be aggressive and this isn’t an ongoing issue. You kind of
And as far as her getting you “all geared up” , maybe she likes the foreplay and doesn’t need the sex part.
I think there Are bigger things going on here. As a FWB situation, no one owes anyone anything. No strings attached and that’s the glory of it. You have sex when you want, you don’t when you don’t, you aren’t obligated to anything because you aren’t a couple.
I think you want to be a couple and you are is muddy waters. So you want things as if you are a couple, but intimacy comes with wanting to please your partner. But you aren’t partners.
FWB can be very muddy waters to navigate and make someone gunshy in that area. And often for women, the desire to go after sex comes with intimacy. And you aren’t a couple. So she is pretty much letting you guide the way and I think k you both might be a little afraid of stepping over boundaries that aren’t ver clear
Dang I'm confused - even after reading everything. That sort of tells me then that there is something else going on here. I applaud you for asking, I think you got a lot of reaction and you took it all very well. Bravo on all of that! Others already pointed out the contradictions and you sort of explained some of them but I guess I'm still confused. As others said, you say she doesn't initiate but then also say she is very open and tells you she can't wait to get home - implying get home to have sex with you. Well, you can't have that both ways - other than to say sometimes she's horny and sometimes not so much - but that's totally normal human actions for most people.
It doesn't sound like she lead you on - or is that it? I mean it almost starts to come down to you are mad at God that she had her period when you wanted to have sex with her! LOL. I mean, it's not her fault. You kissed her and such and then were turned on and couldn't have sex - by YOUR OWN CHOICE. I'm with you BTW but it is still a choice as JuJu points out other guys make a different choice. So what are you upset about or who?
I think the bottom line here is you two need to communicate better. That's often the cause of misunderstandings of people at all R levels - it happens with friends, with family, with FWB with spouses, with co-workers. Just talk with her about it - that sounds like what you need to do. Just what would have made this situation better for you C-Nut? What is it she didn't do that you wish she would have? Or what should she have done differently? And if it's just you wish it wasn't that time of the month, well, man, I don't know how to solve that.
But perhaps it more comes down to this is more then FWB for you and possibly for her - just as others have suggested might be the case. If she's still married, I'm not sure that's a good idea - wait I actually am sure, it's not a good idea - not yet anyhow. But either way, I think you need to try to figure out what it is you really want. And I get it, you think you know what you want until you're in a situation and then you find it's not what you thought you wanted. Either way just talk with her about it - no matter what "it" is. If something is bother you, tell her. You might also want to talk with her about feeling bad about dating someone else and then having to "dump" her. Again, these are just the common landmines of FWB. It really does take the right two people with the right two mindsets.
It really doesn't take the right two people with the right two mindsets.
OMG I so so so so so so so so so so so wish someone would/could turn on the edit function on this old outdated message board software setup LOL
I of course meant to say "It really DOES take the right two people with the right two mindsets." (to pull off a successful FWB that lasts over time)
I also want you to know I meant no offense. Just giving you an honest opinion about the way what you wrote came off. Honesty from others will drive some honesty towards ourselves.
I just think you guys are in such an awkward position, no one knows how to “act” or “do”
I also think in a real relationship the woman is going to want to please her man much much more. The joy of a FWB situation is that if you don’t want to, you don’t give it. You owe nobody anything.
You might also want to talk with her about feeling bad about dating someone else and then having to "dump" her. Again, these are just the common landmines of FWB. It really doesn't take the right two people with the right two mindsets.
This right here resonated with me.. I think this is the conversation that I need to have with her.
Thank you everyone for your input, I really appreciate it.
ugh, I got the end result I wanted (mostly), but man did I make a mess of that. A few few days after my last post, I still hadn't seen her or had the talk with her and went out drinking.. well, I don't need to be drunk to do something stupid, but being drunk definitely ups the chances that I will do something stupid, and I did. At the end of the night when I was home, I texted her out of the blue and said I didn't want to do this anymore and basically broke it off, I was very nice about it (thankfully), but I am not the type to end any type of R by text, and I didn't want to end it without talking to her first.
The next day when I woke up late I asked if I could call her (not sure that she would want to talk to me) and she said I could, I had the talk with her and explained my actions as best as I could. End result was that she understands that I am going to continue meeting new people looking for a real R and will stop sleeping with her if I find someone that I am interested in pursuing. She doesn't want to break it off with me, but understands that I want more and she can't give it to me. We've spent some time together since all that and it has been really nice having someone to snuggle with on these cold nights we've been having, it is cuffing season after all.
And remember when I said I don't have to be drunk to do something stupid? Well, a while ago I decided to enhance my cultural side and get out and see some shows, so I bought tickets to a Stars and Guitars concert, a manheim steamroller concert and for the Nutcracker ballet. I had decided that I wouldn't mention the tickets to my FWB in case someone new came in my life that I wanted to invite to one (or all) and if no one appeared then I would ask her a week or so before. Well, to get to the point, there's a lady at work that I was set up with (exchanged phone numbers with anyway), we've been talking a little and I invited her to the stars and guitars concert with me (we've only talked a little so far, but have had trouble finding time to meet up). anyway, after the new lady accepted my FWB (or non-committed dating partner, whatever I should call her) mentioned to me that an artist dropped out of the concert, my heart sank cause I don't remember even mentioning to her that I had the tickets.. So I told her that I might of messed up, that I didn't remember inviting her and I'm going with someone else. She told me that I hadn't invited her, but that I had mentioned the concert in conversation and that when she heard about the artist dropping out she thought about the fact that I was going.
I had some relief that I hand't invited her, but it hurt me to have to say that I was going with someone else. ugh, I think i'm too emotional a person to do the whole FWB thing. if this ends, never again.
Coconut,
In my opinion, for what it's worth (not much), I don't think you did anything wrong. You were honest with your FWB and she doesn't want to commit; no harm, no foul. She has no reason to expect to be able to go to the concert with you.
However, you clearly enjoy being with FWB and she doesn't seem to be in the same place yet. That's the issue you have to address (and that's why you were drunk and texting). Given what you said in your last paragraph, deep down you understand what's going on. I can relate to all of the conflicting emotions. Maybe after this little episode the FWB will have a change of heart.
Hey doodler.. she’s very much into me, not seeing other people, etc.. the only reason she doesn’t want to R is because of where she is in her divorce process.. I’m in that same place, would R but don’t want to start out as a rebound, for that reason we both fight to keep the feelings held back. But she treats me like a king and does her best to be understanding, but there is still pain there, she said my texts about ending it broke her heart but she knows it may come to that.
Hey doodler.. she’s very much into me, not seeing other people, etc.. the only reason she doesn’t want to R is because of where she is in her divorce process.. I’m in that same place, would R but don’t want to start out as a rebound, for that reason we both fight to keep the feelings held back. But she treats me like a king and does her best to be understanding, but there is still pain there, she said my texts about ending it broke her heart but she knows it may come to that.
Holy cr@p! I didn't understand the relationship. I get it now. You two are in a close relationship, both physically and psychologically and both of you don't really want it that way until all of the stars align properly, but both of you really do want it. You're both in love but fighting it tooth and nail.
I don't think it's a great idea to be in close relationship until after the divorce is done and over, but dude, you're in a close relationship with her now. You are the rebound guy. You either have to accept it and go with it or figure something out.
After D I had a FWB R. It started out as friendship, went to trying out the dating thing. He did decide a few months in something was “missing “ for him ( heard this twice in my life) we went through this cycle throughout 5 years of resuming and one of us ending because I wanted more and he didn’t. It finally became too painful for me. And he met the one who just became his wife. And I actually passed up some opportunities because I had hoped one day he would feel it for me.
FWB is really really difficult when there are more that just friends feelings and even more difficult when one wants more than the other does, whatever the circumstances are for not wanting more.
My advice is to stop doing this when it doesn’t feel good anymore. And you just can’t have any expectation of anymore than friendship and sex. It’ll ruin ya.
I do believe in what’s meant to be will be. And if it’s meant to be when she is in a better place, it will be!
Continue to date. I’m glad you asked that girl to the concert
Doodler, Love is a stretch, but we both enjoy being with each other.. we both have feelings, but how can you not?
Ginger, I agree with you, we both have caught feelings which is gonna make it tough when it ends..
But holy cow, just my luck.. she just told me her and her daughter are going to the concert, they won tickets to go
. I don’t want to hurt her, but if I have to take a stance, I’m gonna side with the girl I’m going with.. hopefully it doesn’t come to that
had a great time at the concert yesterday, she really is an awesome chick and the friend who "connected" us was dead on with the type of lady I like... BUT, she made a comment that she was the only one of her generation in her family who doesn't have kids, so I asked how old she was and she's only 33.. Never been married and wants kids.
I knew she was youngish, but I was hoping that she was in her late 30's, I was surprised when she said she was only 33. Obviously she's is not the "one" that i'm hoping to find, but we got along well and may very well end up as friends, we shall see..
Anyway, going to another show tonight, I invited my FWB to the Mannheim Steamroller concert tonight, don't really know what, if anything, I should do about our situation, but for now I enjoy just hanging out, hooking up and having fun...
BUT, she made a comment that she was the only one of her generation in her family who doesn't have kids...
Coconut,
I was 42 when my first son was born. My sons have a good friend, age 15, who's dad is 70. He (the friend's dad) also has a daughter that's age 12 or 13. I know he also has a set of children, in their twenties, from a previous wife, and it's rumored he may have a brood that came before the twenty somethings. (He's wealthy, but he still works; I don't think it's because of the kids, but I don't know.)
I *think* my sons keep me young, but I do have to suffer through the "boomer" jokes. So far, my best come-back has been, "At my age, when I tell you that I'm going to do you a solid, it means something entirely different." They thought that was a good one. (Gen Z understands potty humor.)
I certainly have no regrets; they're awesome boys.
I run I to this conflict often and it’s probably why my dating pool has shrunk. I am 39 and capable of having kids, but I am for sure done. I’ve been raising a child on my own since infancy and I can’t see myself doing it all over again at this age. If I didn’t have a child, I would probably be thinking differently.
I guess it comes down to: “do you want kids?”