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Moving On To The Bright Side 3Thanks G......she seems really into me. She commented yesterday that it was probably a good thing that our first date was stopped when it was. She had already made plans prior to visit her grandparents. After we left brunch yesterday I commented to her in the car that dropping her off is going to be interesting. She looked at me, smiled, and said well at minimum I want you to come inside so I can touch you for a little bit
. When we got into her kitchen she literally shoved her entire tongue down my throat. It took me a few seconds to get my balance back
So now I am just trying to figure out how to proceed next. Truthfully everything just seems so natural between us which I know is a great sign. She is already making comments about our future and throwing those type of remarks on there so I know she is totally into me. Also......it doesn't scare me, I don't feel nervous so I know I am ready. She is smart, funny, intelligent, sexy, great sense of humor, accepts my daughters....literally checks all the boxes. I could walk to her house in 5 minutes she lives that close.
I am trying really hard though to be patient and remain objective, and stay on my purpose just in case she is not all in. I can tell she wants me bad but we both agreed to be patient but I know the next time we are together in that type of setting it'll be on.
So I am now in this phase of trying to determine how often to contact her while also keeping my distance and protecting my heart just in case she pulls the plug.
Ok, J9. when this is coming from me, the woman who gets accused of never slowing down.....
Slow down. You have known her a few hours. Talking of the future should freak you out just a bit.
You don't know her. neither of you should be "all in" right now.
Date her, absolutely. Get to know her.
Sounds like she is going to jump your bones. Be prepared.
But really J, she also seems like the type is going to call you her boyfriend in a day or two. I also have a feeling you would be ok with that. Which worries me. Why do you say "in case SHE pulls the plug?" You might pull the plug! Is there even a plug to pull yet? This one could be a stage 5 clinger and want insta family. You might need to slow her down.
You know me, I don't take it slow. So coming from me, you need to stop and take a breather. Sure, I bet she seems perfect on paper. But you don't know her yet. Take the time to get to know her. Have dates. What's the rush anyways?
I agree 1000% G.....I want to take it slow and the future talk is a little bit shocking which is why I was not overly aggressive in trying to extend the dates and/or jump right in bed. The future talk didn't necessarily bother me but it has been soooo long since I had experienced someone this into me that I think I got focused on that. After dealing with an X that wants nothing to do with you to this takes a bit to get used to. I spent a good part of Saturday night just sitting on my couch with a glass of bourbon reflecting on WTF just happened to me. I was more nervous for brunch yesterday than I was our initial meeting.
Yes..........her jumping my bones is probably putting it lightly
There is absolutely no rush, trying to remain objective when someone has their foot stomped on the gas is hard. Especially when you do feel the attraction and it was immediate probably like what you had with HC. I told her yesterday at brunch when the topic of sex came up and a couple of other things that we needed to be patient that there is no rush and she agreed.
So no there is no "plug", maybe a poor choice of words but I do understand where you are coming from. You are correct as I get to know her more I certainly could be the one as well. Again I need to make sure I keep my objectively and not get blinded by someone who is into me which is completely different than what I have been dealing with for the past 1.5 years with my X.
Thanks G!
Hi J9. I just want to tell you that I know that you know that I´m really really really happy for you man.
I´m so happy that I´m just tearing as expected. But I don´t give a f@ck.
Enjoy it man. Go slow, like tasting a glass of a good wine.
Microscope now...
I know man....hearing it from you brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. I know its not over but just to feel some reciprocation on the other end, the feeling of woman that is really into you for who you are is just amazing. I don't care how much we self-validate nothing replaces the love and affection of another person.
It's been a long road and it feels good to be finally seeing the work pay off no matter what happens with this woman. Knowing that the possibilities are out there at this time is good enough.
J, I totally, completely, absolutely understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I think you might be my long lost brother.
My tendency to get to deep too fast does really stem from so many years of rejection and someone not wanting me. When someone shows interest, even if it over the top, I do tend to suck it right up. It lead to my FF debacle (my R with a younger guy about a year and a half ago) He came on really strong and it felt beyond good, I kind of let him drive the boat on that one.
Enjoy her being into you. It does feel, really, really, good. Just be careful is all. I am the prime example of what happens when you eat it up too much.
It is refreshing to know possibilities are out there. I never doubted you would have a lack thereof.
LOL....you never know
So far she has been the one letting me drive the boat outside of her initially reaching out to me through the APP. I made the date for Saturday night and she agreed. I asked her out to brunch and she agreed as well. When we are together it is obvious that she is totally into me and when I brought up sex yesterday she lit up like a Christmas tree. You could tell she has been really trying to restrain herself.
Maybe her way of trying to take it slow is by not initiating conversation with me or making plans....IDK. Like I said so far I have been the one reaching out and taking the lead. Granted it has only been 2 dates and a passion filled make out session in the kitchen but outside of our dates she has not been the one pursuing me aggressively. That has me a little concerned but again maybe she is trying to restrain herself.
I agree...it is fun and I am trying to be careful. We did exchange a couple of text's this am...again initiated by me but I am going to call her on my way home tonight from work to see if she wants to meet up for lunch tomorrow. She will be out of town Wed/Thurs and with both of us having our kids it might be the only time we can meet up.
Thanks G......truthfully I started to doubt myself a bit. I almost just said F online dating and shut my profile down but my best friend convinced me otherwise. Maybe that is why the universe spoke up and said "I am going to give this to you Saturday am when you least expect it" Sure enough I got home from playing basketball Saturday morning and I had a message. I know that is kinda woo-woo.
She has been divorced for 2 years and has 2 kids (boy/girl) 15 and 13. She is 42 and was in a 1 yr R with an older man who was 55. It sounds like she got love bombed by him and she broke it off in June. She told me it wasn't right for her as he was not family orienated. I guess she had a couple of other dates as well that didn't materialize into anything. She has a great job, so far seems very grounded, and our interests are the same. We have actually talked about quite a lot from our sex drives, to music, religion, and every thing else in between. So far no red flags....outside of the speed........and she did say her parents eloped after only knowing each other for 6 weeks but they have been together for over 40 years.
also.....to add she paid for brunch yesterday
Big bonus points in my book.
Whoa!! That escalated fast lol
I am so happy to hear that this is working out so far and that you're having a great time and enjoying yourself. Man, I wonder how it feels to be with someone new and different after so many years. That love and affection sounds super good - that's what I really miss.
I look forward to reading you journey with BrunchBabe!
Hey M - The hardest part is restraining yourself. Kissing her, being with her, and meeting her felt totally natural but trying to keep your emotions in check is difficult! I missed it as well so we shall see if this works out.
After being in a sex drought, I am sure restraint is probably the toughest thing. Good on you for being able to do that. I think I might need to just do some 'play' to get that out of my system and so I can then maybe look for a R lol.
It all sounds dope! Enjoy it all and keep us posted.
Well, as someone before me said, that escalated quickly. Like G, I caution you to go slow and not get too far ahead of yourself, but good for you for finding someone you click so well with. I'm glad for you!
That is tough M, I agree. The first couple of dates I was like a deer in headlights. The very first girl laid a kiss on me and I was not expecting it. I also think, early on, it was obvious to the ladies that I was new at the game. I am sure they could tell no matter how I tried to play it off.
After you go on a few dates you get more comfortable with it but with OLD you never know who is going to walk through the door. Pictures don't line up with what you thought you were going to get and if they do then there is the whole chemistry piece on top of that and their lifestyle as well.
I have no idea what will happen with this girl but all I can say is that so far every component has lined up. When she reached out to me on Saturday I really didn't even like her pictures so when she walked through the door I was blown away. She was much more attractive in person, I am sure she would get more play if she changed up her profile but maybe that will be a good thing for me
Nothing wrong with a bit of sexual healing. I thoroughly believe in it.
Just don't go full tilt at it.
It's dating......
V
Wow, when the king of moving too fast, or would that be the queen??? (Ginger) says you need to slow down... That is a warning to be heeded.
Has anyone ever watched 90 Day Fiancee? Or Before the 90 Days? It's an amazing watch of human nature. I see guys and women too on there going to another country to meet "the love of their life" - mind you this "love of their life" is someone they sometimes have never met in person - in some cases never spoken on the phone with or video chatted with even. It's CRAZY. They often take engagement rings with them. How sad!!!! Yet I read things here that... while certainly not the same thing, tend to remind me. We are all who we are. I was somehow blessed with whatever gene it is that makes me critically think and question everything. Perhaps it's not only a blessing, but it does make me think with my head and not my heart - at least most times.
When I do consulting and strategic planning for groups and companies, or perhaps I should say when I did since I've not for several years, I encouraged everyone to take a 30,000 feet view. Step back and look. This girl would scare the b'jesus out of me. Two short dates and she's looking at the future? Stage 5 clinger is right. I'm betting you've never dealt with one of those. Neither have I but I've heard the stories - actually just talked with someone who had to get the police involved.
Thing is, you were off to the races before all of this started - even with just starting OLD. Remember your D papers are still drying. We can all talk until we are blue in the face and it's not going to phase you a bit. You are going to run head fast into this. So all we can do is hope for the best and be here when or if it doesn't go as hoped. Someone that appears to be too good to be true often is. That doesn't mean you should not continue, enjoy, etc. but slow down dude. I've been known to tell Ginger to triple the time frame she thinks to need or use. I need to find a new one - sextuple it maybe? LOL
Good luck, have fun and let us know how things progress.
10-4 DH.......I think it will slow down naturally as I will chat with her tonight on my way home but there are no current plans for us to get together. I have my girls this week and she is leaving town for Wed/Thurs so unless she suggests something I won't be bringing us up getting together until after she returns.
I did send her a text message this morning and told her I would give her a call on my way home tonight but after that call I will go dark as I don't want to be the one constantly pursuing. She initially pursued me, I set up the first date and the second date so it is time for her to initiate conversation with me.
J9, first off, enjoy yourself! Have fun! Soak it up!
My OLD experience led me to someone who wanted to move things fast. At first it was awesome, but then I slowly started having this uneasy feeling, that just grew with time. When she started mentioning future events, I could just feel something wasn't right. I've learned to be on the lookout for that uneasy feeling.
And it's okay to make a mistake. We're human. It's how we learn.
Thing is, you were off to the races before all of this started - even with just starting OLD. Remember your D papers are still drying. We can all talk until we are blue in the face and it's not going to phase you a bit. You are going to run head fast into this. So all we can do is hope for the best and be here when or if it doesn't go as hoped.
Don's point here is something I think a lot about. How soon is it to start dating? I know everyone's different. What are the signs? Is the anger about the D gone? Are we completely off the roller coaster? I don't have any answers, just questions.
How soon is it to start dating?
As soon as you have those six-pack abs. Then it's off to the races
H - I was not overly comfortable at first but have gotten much more comfortable with each woman I went out with. I have no idea what will happen with this girl but you will know when its right.
IMO I think you have to get to a place where your D does not dominate the forefront of your mind and you don't have a desire to talk about it. Or if asked by the girl you are dating you can play it off without feeling the need to go into too many details. Early on this was hard for me because as you know it's all you thought about.
Trust your gut and if you are not excited when they first walk in the door then I would move on to the next. Also look for red flags along the way....I would also suggest that you know what you want in partner your non-negotiable items.
I would rather be single than settle
H - I was not overly comfortable at first but have gotten much more comfortable with each woman I went out with. I have no idea what will happen with this girl but you will know when its right.
I've had that on 2 dates, but it didn't work out for reasons.
IMO I think you have to get to a place where your D does not dominate the forefront of your mind and you don't have a desire to talk about it. Or if asked by the girl you are dating you can play it off without feeling the need to go into too many details. Early on this was hard for me because as you know it's all you thought about.
My D doesn't dominate my mind, but my struggles with my XW do. I have no desire to talk about my D on a date.
I would rather be single than settle
Amen, brother!
Alright so I think I learned my lesson yesterday with Brunch Lady. I sent her a text yesterday morning, she responded and I told her I would give her a call on my way home last night. So on my way home I called her but she didn't answer. She then texted me back, telling me sorry for missing my call and that she was working late tonight. I responded back with no worries, don't work too late.
So.....I am now dark. Her actions are not lining up with the words that were coming out of her mouth over the weekend. I would think after almost having sex in her kitchen that she would be doing some pursuing. She did not reach out to me on Sunday night, she could have called me on her way to work yesterday, she could have sent me a quick text during the day, she could have called me on her way home last night, she also could have called me this morning. At this point in time I am not sure what to believe outside of I am pulling way back, going dark, and will let her initiate the next move.
So I don't think I ruined anything or else she just would have ghosted me and not responded at all yesterday however it is clear that she is not in pursuit mode yet. I need to get myself re-centered, back the fuch off, stay on my purpose, and see what happens. I am glad I tested the waters yesterday though as it helps me know how to play it in the future as this is the first girl that has not actively reached out to me during the day.
J,
I gave you advice awhile back to set one date per week by phone until she is reaching out to you on a regular basis. You were correct when you indicated that woman like to pursue men when they feel safe and comfortable.
The problem men usually get into is when texting too much they come off as needy, insecure or say something to turn a women off.
Your busy being a dad, with your career, your purpose, the gym etc. you don't have time to text and jibber jabber on the phone. Plus you will have nothing to talk about when you do have a date.
Don't over think it! Just have fun.
Your right.....I got sucked in based on what happened over the weekend but I am good now! I am glad I caught it early before I completely lost her attraction and recognized what I was about to do. Lesson learned! No more contact from me. Thanks L.......stick to the plan!
I say this all the time, but I love seeing the different perspectives of people and how they process things. Based on your own account, I think it is evident that this lady likes you, but she may well have just been busy the past few days. Or maybe she is shy about reaching out to you. Take a breath, man....you got this.
Thanks D...I feel good and yes the different perspectives are awesome. That is partially why I continue to come back to the board. I know she likes me or she would have just blown me off yesterday so I know it's there. I just need to take a step back and be more patient. I have my girls all week and she is out of town for work tomorrow and Thursday. She also has her kids this week as well so I am sure she will reach out at some point.
So.....I am now dark. Her actions are not lining up with the words that were coming out of her mouth over the weekend. I would think after almost having sex in her kitchen that she would be doing some pursuing. She did not reach out to me on Sunday night, she could have called me on her way to work yesterday, she could have sent me a quick text during the day, she could have called me on her way home last night, she also could have called me this morning. At this point in time I am not sure what to believe outside of I am pulling way back, going dark, and will let her initiate the next move.
This is why i suggest dating or talking to multiple women at a time. When you do that, these thoughts do not go through your mind because they just dont have time too. I am curious in your mind what do you consider moving slow? Everyone has a different definition and I am just wondering what yours is. I for instance wouldnt consider having sex within the first 3 dates as moving fast, but relationship talk in the first month would trigger an alarm in me. From what you wrote she does seem kind of needy and clingy, but aloof when not in your presence. I wouldnt be surprised if she is dating other people which there is nothing wrong with that. Also be careful and look for signs of BPD. If your upfront and honest with her like you have been, she will be fully aware of what is going on and it will be her choice to continue or not.
Hey RX.....I agree with sex. I easily could have done it on Sunday or the first date as well. On our third date I would expect it to happen and that is not fast for me. R talk is I agree within the first month very fast and initially didn't alarm me because we were both caught up in the mutual attraction.
She very well could be dating other people however she did seek me out, I didn't initiate contact with her. Aloof not in my presence is what I am currently trying to figure out. That is a new one for me however it is on her to initiate at this time.
I do like the 1 date per week approach although that is difficult during the week when I have my kids. So I would say that would be moving slow....with a guess her bringing up R talk by the 6th or 7th date (6 weeks into dating).
She was totally comfortable with me picking her up at her house after our first date, she was totally comfortable riding with me to and from brunch, and was totally comfortable inviting me in her house on the second date as well alone but now she can't reach out and initiate a text or phone call???????? It doesn't add up.
I have this feeling you have two people who are trying not to pursue eachother. Women get worried that they will scare guys off. I get told that all the time. That I need to let guys pursue me. So for all you know, she is trying to play it cool and back off too,
I swear this game is like an old country western showdown.
But be careful on the advice you take from me. I really stink at this.
I guess that is possible but her responses come across as very dismissive. For example, "Sorry I missed your call, I am working late tonight". Ok great......she could have said after that......I will call you on my way home or I will give you a call tomorrow. Don't just make the statement then radio silence. She knows she dismissed me.
But she could be doing it to test me and/or to pull back as she has had time to reflect.
I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. She seems to be really into you. Remember, she had to squeeze in your first date because she had a big project at work. I am thinking maybe she can't even be on her phone at work.
She probably didn't want to make any promises about contacting you in case she couldn't follow through.
Just relax and see.
I hope this isn't an insult, but man, you are the male version of me when you date. I have the same exact mindset as you do.
LOL G.....I am a total over analyzer. I get it from my mom
This girl we had our first date on Saturday about 6 hours after she reached out to me on the APP. She is a Finance Director for SW Airlines so I can't imagine her not being able to shut her office door and fire off a 30 second text.
So IDK. It just seems crazy that she buys me brunch on Sunday and we almost get it on in her kitchen to now radio silence.
Man... go to the gym or something. Ya gotta get this girl outta your head for a bit.
I guess that is possible but her responses come across as very dismissive. For example, "Sorry I missed your call, I am working late tonight". Ok great......she could have said after that......I will call you on my way home or I will give you a call tomorrow. Don't just make the statement then radio silence. She knows she dismissed me.
But she could be doing it to test me and/or to pull back as she has had time to reflect.
This is EXACTLY what I was talking about earlier when I was talking about different perspectives because to me her response didn't seem dismissive at all. Like G said, maybe she didn't say "I'll call you later" or whatever because she truly didn't know when she'd get that chance and she didn't want to seem like she was blowing you off. But, that is the issue I have with text. There is NO context so however you perceive it is how it is. It was not sent to me so it is easy for me to say oh she didn't mean it dismissively, while you are IN the scenario so it is much easier for you to think that it is dismissive.
Regardless, pinn is right...go to the gym, go for a run, go read a book, go cook something, go take a cold shower, go do whatever it is you do to occupy your time and more importantly your MIND so that you will stop thinking about it for a minute.
All good points......I am better now. I played basketball this morning and my oldest has soccer practice tonight but tomorrow morning I will be at the gym
Nice!!
Reading down here something came to mind. Seems like the movies ‘swingers’ and ‘he’s just not that into you’ should be manadotry homework before posting down here :-)
Alright...feel better today, got a great workout in. With that said I need some advice from you OLD experts.
Her OLD profile is now offline, she did not contact me yesterday and our last correspondence was our text exchange and missed call on Monday. She hasn’t ghosted me or told me she was done but she is not reaching out either.
The attraction was obvious and she felt comfortable enough with me to be alone in her house with me on our second date so there were no signs from her at all that she had any concerns.
So do I stay no contact forever and see what happens or do I reach out to her on Monday which would be a week for our last brief conversation? Or since she took her profile offline assume she met someone else and just keep on keeping on?
Well... if your choices are no contact forever or wait until Monday... how about just wait till Monday and decide then?? If you come up with some grand plan to contact her Monday... you are going to be focused on that for the next 5 days. Just let it flow... what will be will be.
J,
I won't hurt to contact her one more time on Monday.
lesson learned. 1 date per week until she starts reaching out. If she has been single for awhile, you came on a little strong and she may have felt like she was going to lose her freedom.
It's all part of the learning process.
I also think you need to stay active and line up some dates. No putting all your eggs in one basket. It's dating. Not commitment.
Right...lesson learned, it's a good thing I recognized and tapped the breaks early. Unfortunately she sucked me in with how she was talking to me then she pulled back obviously without telling me. I guess most guys would have continued to pursued so it's definitely good that I was self-aware after how she corresponded with me on Monday.
If she was done I don't think she would have responded to me at all...she would have just ghosted me or texted back telling me she was moving in another direction.
I think I read between the lines, like I didn't do when I was married
Right G....my profile is still active, and I agree. I have a really good female friend who has been OLD for years tell me the same thing. She also said to leave this one alone and she will be back, there was too much attraction/chemistry to just walk away so I guess we shall see what happens. I generally don't do much cold reaching out to ladies. I usually will wait until they initiate contact with me or like my profile.
Right G....my profile is still active, and I agree. I have a really good female friend who has been OLD for years tell me the same thing. She also said to leave this one alone and she will be back, there was too much attraction/chemistry to just walk away so I guess we shall see what happens. I generally don't do much cold reaching out to ladies. I usually will wait until they initiate contact with me or like my profile.
You need to start reaching out and initiating with the ladies. I told you we rarely reach out to the guys. I've reached out once or twice (BD being one of them) and I rarely "like" a guy, because I am weeding through a whole bunch of messages. The guy/girl thing is very unbalanced. If you see a profile and like it, message her! And not with "hey there". Pick something out of her profile that shows your read it and make a small message out of it.
Anyways, YOU reaching out gives you some control on what you might prefer. get on it!
I agree with pinn and LH...just be patient and if you feel like reaching out Monday then do so. If you make a plan now (on Wednesday) to reach out Monday (5 days from now), you will just stew on it the whole time.
I'm not sure how to ask this question without coming across as just being a total b!tch and I'm certainly not trying to do that because it is nice to see your enthusiasm about dating this lady, but do you really need some grand plan about when to contact again? Just be casual. Ride it out a few days and see if she reaches out. If she does, great. If she doesn't, then you can decide if and when to reach out to her. You keep talking about lessons learned and tapping the brakes early and all that sort of stuff, but you JUST had your first date not even a week ago. Like G said above, line up another date with someone else or something. ANYTHING to shift your focus because it seems like you are putting a LOT of thought into this lady. Again, I know this all sounds mean and I hope and pray you don't take it that way because I'm desperately trying NOT to come across that way. I'm excited for your excitement in this whole thing. It just seems to me that you are really caught up in something that you don't necessarily have to be. I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but if one of the women on the board were posting similarly about a man they'd gone out with, all sorts of people would be blasting them about slowing down, not going all in, taking a step back, etc. Now, obviously, some of us are telling you the same things, but no one is really giving you any major 2x4s about it like they would be giving one of the ladies.
One more thing while I'm on a roll here......your last line in your post above is that you think you read between the lines like you didn't do when you were married. I'm confused as to what you read between the lines. I say all the time that perception is reality and of course MY perception of what you are posting is totally different from your own perception because I'm not in the situation like you are. From MY perspective, you met this lady, had good communication, good dates, chemistry, then she kind of pulled back a bit, maybe because of work, maybe because she got freaked out, maybe she's busy with her kids, or whatever other of a billion reasons that is possible. And, now you seem (again MY perception) to be really overanalyzing the entire thing. I'm not putting you down for that because I'm a master of over-analysis myself, so I get it.
Just from what I have read about you in your posts, you sound like a great catch to me and if this woman is not totally blind, I'm sure she will see it, so just relax and let things flow naturally. There is no need to be in such a rush about when she will contact again or whether or not you should and when you should and should you wait til Monday and all that stuff. I may be the only one, but it just seems like you are a bit all over the place.
I say all this with a fondness and I really am happy that you had a good experience with this lady and I hope it pans out, if that is what you want. Please forgive me if anything I said sounded mean, harsh, disrespectful, etc. TOTALLY not my intention at all.
D - Not all.....if G get 2x4's then I deserve them as well
That is why I love the board!!!!! Your words and others help keep me grounded, puts things into perspective, and for that I am grateful!
I believe the reason why I am over thinking it is because this is really the first woman that I have dated where there could be potential. I know that there are others out there but I guess you will always remember your first
That combined with someone really being into you after getting nothing from your X for so long has me tilted a bit.
I am much better with it today though....I also think this is part of a learning process for myself.
D...you are great and nothing was mean! I appreciate it
So much of this over the past days has been a fascinating read. I'm just not sure what is going on inside of you Joseph but something deep in me thinks you are just not ready for a real R yet, perhaps not even close. Yeah, I'm way more blunt than Dawn - who if she's worried about what she wrote and how she wrote it being offensive, I clearly am the offensive one LOL. (you are rarely if ever seen as offensive Dawn) I'm not trying to be, I just lay it out there with the total goal of helping someone. I'll put out the info and sometimes my suggestions but it really is the reader and person inside the sitch who has to decide. And with that...
Trust your gut and if you are not excited when they first walk in the door then I would move on to the next.
You cannot be serious - if you are not excited when they first walk in the door then move on???????????????????? OMG seriously? I'm nearly speechless. I think I am speechless.
Then I read comments like "I'm just going to go dark". Again, huh? How do you "go dark" with someone you hardly even know? You are already dark when starting something brand new - right? I think sometimes people confuse the DBing principles designed for people who have been married for years and had someone drop a bomb, with first and second dates. Most certainly some of these principles clearly do apply but not all of them.
I just get such a strong sense here all of this is such a big deal to you because you want to feel like you are desirable. You have an exW who has a BF and you want to prove, not even necessarily to her but as much to yourself, you still have it and you can still get someone too. You are soooooo very hung up on looks. Again, it's almost like a trophy or something - "See, look I've still got it, look who I landed. Look who is on my arm." I'm not even saying these things are wrong or not part of the process post D. I just think you have so lost sight of what it is you are even trying for here.
Perhaps that's it, what are you looking for? Do you even know? Perhaps I should also reassure you it's okay to be confused at this point. It's okay to have all of the emotions that come with only being D'd for a few months now - or even in this entire process for a little over a year. But with every simple interaction it's as if it's a huge event. Someone liked your profile or sent you a message or a first date or even a first kiss. You so so so so so so so have to RELAX! This should be fun, not stressful. You should not be trying to analyze someone so soon so fast. There could be dozens of reasons why anything happens. People can be really flaky - especially from OLD. You need to expect pretty much anything - including someone that could actually have had sex with you a few days ago flaking out right after. This is not a contest or a competition. And it is certainly not a competition with your exW.
I really think you are going to come back and re-read this entire thread like a year from now and say "OMG what in the heck was I thinking and doing?" And that too is okay as many of us here have done the very same. Just try to drop back and have fun with anyone you go out with. Don't put so much time and effort into trying to analyze all of this. Give people a bit of time and a little chance. You don't need to plan out what should be just a two second thought, like sending someone a text into strategic planning or something. Just live. Have fun. Enjoy. You're taking all of the fun out of it with all of this intensity. You're a good guy regardless of what happens with these early dates. It's all going to be alright. Just let it happen.
Hey DH - No you are not offensive, I think it is great!
I would say that this entire OLD process has been a tremendous learning experience for me. I have said it before and my opinion on it won't change (so I probably will continue to leave you speechless). Physically speaking I know as soon as she walks in the door if there might be a potential for more.
Before OLD when people met each other randomly at bars or grocery stores or wherever you wouldn't approach someone if you didn't think they were attractive. IMO OLD in some way puts the cart before the horse. You chat first then you meet and once you meet then you go from there. The girl I went out with on Saturday even admitted as much with OLD, chat all you want but it all comes down to when you meet in person.
Going dark or pulling back in my case was stopping to initiate texting or phone conversation. So my words may have been in reference to DB language but pulling back and ceasing initiating contact in principal is the same thing we talk about in DBing with walking in the opposite direction. And yes while it was only two dates with this girl I could sense by our conversation on Monday that her responses were very brief which is why I felt the need to stop initiating conversation. She didn't ghost me but she was not engaging me back either.
I don't think I am doing it to prove something to my XW.....IDK. She has a BF that I haven't met yet but if she told me he was coming to our D's soccer game on Saturday I would tell her "cool, I look forward to meeting him". I think for me it's about continuing to move forward and it is exciting to me. I know I am a good dude, maybe I am trying to prove something to myself that all of the work that I have put in has paid off and maybe I am getting tired of self-validation. All of this could be true. I also know that while dating is supposed to be fun I don't think anyone does it to hope that they don't meet someone. People do it so they can meet someone and hopefully things work out.
Maybe I got too excited with Brunch Lady because our connection was immediate (it was also the first time that it happened to me). IDK but I don't think that the immediate attraction and chemistry happens that often. However it was a learning experience for me and a valuable one. What happens with her, I have no idea however what I learned is very valuable. We had back to back dates of which is both agreed to and was very excited about, we almost had sex at her place, and when I reached out to her on Monday I sensed something distant in her so I pulled way back.
I do hope one day that I can look back on my sitch and laugh. Sometimes I go back to my initial posts and read them in amazement but for me that is part of the journey, the process. I am a open book on the board, I don't hide anything.
I do know what I am looking for, I don't want to take ladies out on coffee dates or meet up for drinks for the rest of my life. I don't want to get married tomorrow either but it would definitely be nice to meet someone. I do agree with your analysis on the interactions. That is something I am learning as one of my lessons especially with OLD. I am a very honest person but I have realized that not everyone is that way with OLD and yes early on I need to take things with a grain of salt. My girlfriend told me that if you get two solid weeks of consistent behavior then you can start to believe what they are selling.
So definitely all learning experiences and I do hope one day I can come back and laugh at my posts. It's not where you start your journey but how it ends.
Thanks DH!
I do agree with Don on the fact that you are probably trying to prove more to yourself, rather than your W that you still got it. You know it, but having a GF is just proof. I also believe you would like to be in a relationship.
I have something kind of tough to break to you based upon my experience and the others. You are like me. A R person, not a dating person. And when we met our spouses earlier in life and without kids, we would jump in head first and go all in, get married, ect. First, we see how that worked for us. Yes, you did have a good marriage unlike mine. But it really is so different now. You do have to date a lot, because we all carry baggage now that makes us more aware, more cautious, or even more flaky, which is why dating is, indeed a lot more difficult now. It is harder to get to an R stage given all these extra factors we didn't have when we were young and innocent.
I can guarantee your experience will not be like mine. You will have much better fortune than I, and shortly in an appropriate amount of time. I am the odd one out in this situation. But truth is, dating is sooooooo much different than it used to be. Adapting to this new way of building R's and dating will take some time, but it will work out for you in the end, I am sure of it.
And if you lived in NJ, I would be happy to be the female friend to hang out with on kidless nights.
J,
After rereading your posts about your interactions with this woman, I think you two are in different places of a relationship. It seems to me that she was looking for more of a non-monogamous fling, and you taking it slow, might of been what she wasnt looking for. It seems you two do have chemistry but after she was away from you she might of had second thoughts about how she acted or even getting rejected by you. My suggestion is to let her miss you so I wouldnt contact her and just start looking for other ladies to date. You have had 2 dates with her. If she is interested she will contact you.
Sorry, but I have a question to all the guys here.
I have been told not to contact guys and let them make the moves and pursue. And if the guys tell the other guys to not pursue and is waiting for the woman to reach out, well how does anyone talk to eachother?! Both are waiting for the other to make moves, but both are afraid of pursing.
10 years of this crap, I don't get it.
Hi G...you are right, I would much rather be in a R. Of the 6 ladies I have been on dates with in the last 3 months, 4 of them reached back out to me. I could have taken them out on 2nd dates, etc. maybe strung them along, had sex and then dumped them but that's not me. The same for Brunch Lady. I was in her house alone, and I didn't press the issue. Maybe I should have, and maybe it makes me look weak but our conversation leading up to us being alone in her house was about waiting. Truthfully, I haven't had sex in over a year and the last time was with my XW but for me it's not about that. I am strong enough to not chase it. I am not saving myself but for me it's more than that.
I guess I am a selective dater and I just don't reach out to everyone that likes my profile or that sends me an email. If I did that then there certainly would have been more dates and the opportunity to have sex and string someone along. Again that's not me, I couldn't do that to someone that I saw no future with or had no connection.
G.......I would love to be your wingman
I could vet the guys for you.
RX - I thought the same thing....Looking back I should have pressed the issue, I didn't based on our conversation leading up to being alone. That is my plan, I will not be contacting her and see what happens. I don't think she is done though because if she was she would have ghosted me on Monday or she would have told me she was moving on.
The connection was obvious and I am moving on to other ladies. She took her profile down so that has me a little puzzled.
G - I would say if you are interested in a guy you will have to pursue a little. If you have a great date, send him a note after....something that lets him know you are open for another.
Sorry, but I have a question to all the guys here.
IMO it is the man's job as the leader to pursue in the beginning and make dates until the woman feels safe and comfortable enough to reach out to him. Then when she reaches out to him, he can set another date and rinse, recycle repeat until they are in a relationship.
The important thing is to look at contacting someone as a game of tennis. You reach out to them (hit the ball over the net) you wait until they contact you back (hit the ball over the net). If they do not hit the ball over the net then the game is over.
Hey J9 and G, you are not in a hurry. Relax. Life is the marathon at the end...
Sending you both a big hug
I must have missed something, I don't see what the big deal here is. She told you she was busy at work (and she has a busy responsible job) and based on that you decided she wasn't interested?
Did it occur to you she might have taken her profile down because she saw you as a promising prospect and didn't want to be bothered by a bunch of other men contacting her while she was seeing where things would go with you?
I have a very busy job and sometimes work long hours. I'm not good at texting during work either.
I think before you ASSume anything, you should try contacting her once more AS IF everything was ok and see what happens.
Hi K.....I just thought that everyone has some time during the day to send a message or make a call. On your drive into work or when you are driving home at night. Before you get into a bed send a quick good night message or something.
Yes....that part of the profile did cross my mind. It just seemed that her responses were obligatory but the fact that she responded at all was good.
Sorry, but I have a question to all the guys here.
I have been told not to contact guys and let them make the moves and pursue. And if the guys tell the other guys to not pursue and is waiting for the woman to reach out, well how does anyone talk to eachother?! Both are waiting for the other to make moves, but both are afraid of pursing.
10 years of this crap, I don't get it.
LOL - My thread for the last year or so.
I think the dynamics are different as we get older and also for divorced people.
OLD is pretty straightforward. Everyone there is more or less available and interested in dating. Real life is different.
Let's take for example the lady I just spent an enjoyable 45 minutes with. I often go for a walk at lunch. She suggested one day that she join me. We've gone on walks on Thursdays now for about the last month. I have every expectation that if something came up that we both wanted to do that she would feel comfortable suggesting it to me or I to her. As a guy I'd be fine with that. Or if she suggested that we have a drink after work or to check out a movie.
If she hadn't suggested that she join me on my walks I'd probably still be waffling like I am with others. Now we're both comfortable with suggesting that we walk together. If the lady I see at the flower shop had ever suggested anything I'd probably have gone through with that. With her, I asked her out for coffee in January 2017 and she first said yes but then backed off saying her life was too complicated. I gave her my contact info and said that she could feel free to reach out at any time. She never did. Is she actually interested in dating me? Speculation on my thread says yes. But chatting about our lives and her flashing me with those lovely pale blue eyes hasn't gotten either of us past that first hurdle.
I know this isn't the "dating" as some would think of it. But it's the sort of low key, getting to know someone that is my style.
For the lady that I am currently more or less dating, she suggested to me that we meet. That's how she jumped the queue.
So - yes. If you are interested in someone, suggest something small. If they're interested then play it by ear. Playing hard-to-get is for 12 year olds. My daughter has a phrase that fits here "don't ask - don't get".
I would love to not play games but unfortunately it seems to be part of the "game" no pun intended these days. Don't call too soon, don't let her know how you feel, pull back when you get the feeling she is, don't be too needy, etc. etc. etc.
I think the days of I like you and you like me and it's that simple are over with.
I would like to reach out to BL and just say Hey, what's going on how has your week been and then make plans for another date but she hasn't initiated any contact with me so if I man is to retain his "value" he shouldn't chase. It would be different if she reached out to me but she hasn't and everyone has some time during the day to send something.
So it's kinda crap either way.
Ok this needs to end for your own sanity one way or the other. This is what I would do in this case. I would send her a simple text asking her out a few days from now. Something super short and sweet. Something like... Hey! I had a lot of fun with the other night. I was wondering if you wanted to get together on xxx day/night?
If she doesn’t answer it’s over, no more thinking.
If she says she’s busy and doesn’t propose an alternative date, it’s over no more thinking.
If she says yes, it’s just starting.
I would like to reach out to BL and just say Hey, what's going on how has your week been and then make plans for another date but she hasn't initiated any contact with me so if I man is to retain his "value" he shouldn't chase. It would be different if she reached out to me but she hasn't and everyone has some time during the day to send something.
I respectfully disagree. I still think that there could be a million reasons why she hasn't initiated contact. If you are interested, reach out and ask. You said that things are part of the game, so change the game. Even if she is not interested, for whatever reason, at least if you reach out, she now has the opportunity to tell you that and if she's any kind of woman at all, she'll be honest and tell you.
I think Ginger alluded to this in one of her earlier responses, but think about this for a second: you say you shouldn't chase if a man wants to retain his value. As G pointed out, women are always told to let the men be the pursuers, so as she stated, if you are holding back to "retain your value as a man" and she's holding back because she's waiting for you to pursue, then y'all are both sitting back waiting on the other to make a move and wondering why the other isn't making a move. So, in essence, y'all are both playing the game and you will both end up playing yourself right out by worrying too much about what everyone else thinks y'all should do.
Listen, I'm the world's worst at heeding my own advice. I have played this game myself. "Oh, I really like him and want to reach out but I should wait and let him reach out.............." over and over ad infinitum. But, I have said it over and over - don't overthink it. If you like her and want to go out again, call her or text her and talk to her and ask her out. If not, then let it go. I have been standing on the sideline watching my best friend go through something very similar. He's very interested in a young lady who seems like a lovely young lady, but she is really slow to respond to his texts and phone calls. From everything he is telling me, she is very interested in him and I know he's very interested in her, but I also know she's got a full-time job that is extremely busy and she's got 2 young kids and she's a single mom. And, I have had a couple of other people tell me that she is very interested in him as well. I'm tickled for him but at the same time, he keeps getting discouraged when he texts her and she doesn't immediately respond. I have talked him off a ledge more than once this week (so to speak) and I finally just told him last night that he was going to have to be more proactive in actually inviting her out or he was going to have to let it go and move on.
Nobody is perfect. I think we all know and are abundantly aware of this. Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you and deal with it the way it works best for you. So, good luck in whatever you decide.
The game of both sides playing it cool and not chasing really svcks. I read so many things that says the woman needs to pursue. Then other sources say the man leads the R and should pursue. It's all pretty disgusting if you ask me.
Sorry, but I have a question to all the guys here.
I have been told not to contact guys and let them make the moves and pursue. And if the guys tell the other guys to not pursue and is waiting for the woman to reach out, well how does anyone talk to eachother?! Both are waiting for the other to make moves, but both are afraid of pursing.
10 years of this crap, I don't get it.
Ginger where the confusion may be setting in is yes its the normal part for the man to pursue first, i.e. make the first move, after this its the ladies normal position to either show/no show interest. Its widely known women are more emotional than men. if after the initial contact a woman shows no interest then any other pursuit is just a waste of time. This is my opinion because women are more used to giving the lets just be friends talk, and if you are not upfront with a woman, some will show interest just to keep a man around for validation. women usually know when they first meet you if they want you for husband material, bf material or friends with benefits material, or as a platonic friendship.
The important thing is to look at contacting someone as a game of tennis. You reach out to them (hit the ball over the net) you wait until they contact you back (hit the ball over the net). If they do not hit the ball over the net then the game is over.
exactly, this is how you gauge a woman's interest level. Whether or not they keep up communication. If you reach out once and they dont respond i will usually reach out a second time 2 to 4 days later, if they still dont respond, well then their interest level in me just wasnt high enough for them. I gaurantee if they had brad pitt send them a message they would of responded within atleast a day.
Let's take for example the lady I just spent an enjoyable 45 minutes with. I often go for a walk at lunch. She suggested one day that she join me. We've gone on walks on Thursdays now for about the last month. I have every expectation that if something came up that we both wanted to do that she would feel comfortable suggesting it to me or I to her. As a guy I'd be fine with that. Or if she suggested that we have a drink after work or to check out a movie.
This may work great for you, but for me this is too passive. If i am interested in someone I ask them out. I have no interest in having a female as friends if I am attracted to them. I also have no issue with being rejected, everyone has their own preferences and I respect that. I am happy knowing i got rejected then left wondering what would of happen if I had made a move. I dont regret rejection, i have regretted not making a first move. In fact when a woman tells me that she is not interested i usually thank them, not for the rejection but showing me the respect to let me know not to waste my time. To me time is valuable and i only want to put in the time for someone who is interested in me.
With her, I asked her out for coffee in January 2017 and she first said yes but then backed off saying her life was too complicated. I gave her my contact info and said that she could feel free to reach out at any time. She never did. Is she actually interested in dating me? Speculation on my thread says yes.
I like this, you made the move and she flaked and you left a card and left it open. This to me is the correct thought and interaction you should have. Her saying her life is too complicated leads me to believe she is in some type of relationship, or has feelings for another. whether or not she is interseted in dating you, and im not trying to be mean, but I would say no unless she contacts you in the future, which could happen. she knows you are interested, so if she is interested she knows to make a move. Great thing about this though is you dont have to waste any more time on thinking about her. you made your move and for some reason or another it just didnt work out..
Playing hard-to-get is for 12 year olds. My daughter has a phrase that fits here "don't ask - don't get".
I am notsure if this is in reference about going no contact. If it is then it is missing the point of no contact, after initial conversation or move. The reason for no contact isnt about playing hard to get, its about gauging the interest level of the other person.
If its about the initial first move then i completely agree. Men are sexual creatures, women are sexual creatures, with both being adults there is nothing wrong with being upfront and letting the opposite or same sex know what you really want. why be duplicitous in your actions. If you want a friends with benefits, dont tell the other person you are seeking a long term relationship, and if you are interested in dating, dont tell them you just want to be friends. To me that is just asking for drama and trouble.
I think Ginger alluded to this in one of her earlier responses, but think about this for a second: you say you shouldn't chase if a man wants to retain his value. As G pointed out, women are always told to let the men be the pursuers, so as she stated, if you are holding back to "retain your value as a man" and she's holding back because she's waiting for you to pursue, then y'all are both sitting back waiting on the other to make a move and wondering why the other isn't making a move. So, in essence, y'all are both playing the game and you will both end up playing yourself right out by worrying too much about what everyone else thinks y'all should do.
I disagree with this thought, but I can understand it since it is a female point of view. such as if you care for her show her bring her flowers, ride in on a horse and carry her away. I think what is being lost is he did pursue her, she hasnt pursued him back. one thing you might not of thought of Ginger is this could be one of her "tests", whether its a conscious or subconscious test. You made the move J, the ball is in her court and move on to other women unless you hear from her. Also, when you move on to other women/activities it gives you more of a life and less dependent on someone else. As in any case the final choice is up to you.
I will contact her on Saturday and try to set a date for next week. I will invite her over to the house for dinner. She did respond to me on Monday and while her responses were relatively short she did respond in a timely manner and she did not ghost me.
So one last attempt on Saturday....that would have given her 4 days of no contact from me.
just curious... why dinner at your house?
As she was all over me at brunch she mentioned that our next date should be binge watching Netflix and me making her homemade pizza. In the same breath she also mentioned me coming down to a hotel with her next Friday as well. Also since we almost had sex in her kitchen on Sunday I figured it was time to move this forward and this was the next logical step.
J,
Does she have kids? reason I ask is I would think yes, because her offering an hotel room seems weird unless she has kids. If she doesnt then I would also wonder does she have a bf?
R - She has kids (15 and 13) but she told me that next Friday she has a work function for something at a hotel downtown and mentioned me coming down there. She also doesn't have her kids next weekend I think from Thurs - Sun as we are on the same schedule which is why we got together this past weekend on Saturday and Sunday.
I am telling you this girl has done a complete 180. Something happened between the time I left her on Sunday around 2:30 and me reaching out Monday morning. Yes she responded but it felt like more of an obligatory response better than nothing but it just felt to me like she wanted the pressure removed. Same with me calling her....she texted me back an hour later telling me she was sorry she missed my call. Those interactions by themselves ok....but combine that with her being no contact the rest of the week and her removing her OLD profile makes me think she has got herself in a pickle and she is trying to balance me and someone else. If she wanted to cut me loose I don't think she would have responded at all, she just would have ghosted me.
When she originally initiated contact with me on Match Saturday morning at like 8 am she told me she could do a late lunch on Saturday or Brunch on Sunday. That is how we ended up seeing each other two times. She told me on Saturday night she had already made plans to see her Grandparents but obviously wished she hadn't because of how well our date went. Then she told me Sunday night she had to go into work for a bit but I can't remember the reason why. She also said she needed to coordinate picking up her kids from her X husband on Sunday evening as well.
J,
you could be right something may have happened, but being a man it shouldnt affect you. You had a couple of dates and they went well. Could of been alot of things, but just keep your frame. She could be testing you, she might of had a date sunday night with someone who didnt hold back, or could be a million other reasons, but you should treat it as gaining experience. You really now a days have to have the mentality of this is my life and if you want to be in it, thats great, if you dont, thats great also. As for pursuing im all for it in person on the date, but when your away from eachother give her the chance to miss you. nothing breeds excitement like a little mystery
Thanks RX....I got it and am reading between your lines.
I am kicking myself for not closing the deal on Sunday. The reason why I didn't was because all of the conversation leading up to her inviting me in. She was all over me but in a way that was talking about us being together, which included waiting to build up the anticipation etc.
Your right.....definitely a learning experience if nothing comes of it.
J,
I understand how you feel, Last friday I got the number of this gorgeous 21 yr old who I had been conversing with... She finally gave me the signs that she was interested i.e. touching my arms, looking at my lips and such. So I call her on sunday, no answer, no response. I call her on tuesday, no answer and no response so I am like ok, guess she isnt interested, which i understand and have no issue with. but why waste my time with giving me her number, I will see her again, but I wont bring it up. I will just move on and not let it affect me.
This whole thing continues to be a fascinating read. You've now clearly spent far more time trying to analyze it all than you did together! Who in the hell knows what might be going on with her. From what I see this whole thing screams of two people flying by the seat of their pants than anything that might resemble even the possibility of a future stable, grounded R of any type.
You met on an OLD app Saturday morning. Until this point neither had any clue the other existed. You both evidently felt some sort of strong connection that had you meeting for less than an hour later that very same day. Just this right here has red flags for me and sounds more like a Tinder hook up than anything. But still, not all that alarming to not meet again - which you did somewhere around 18 hours later for brunch. She then had you, this nearly complete stranger that for all she knows could be an ax murderer, come to her house and she gets in a vehicle with you and goes wherever you might take her. Since you're not an ax murderer you take her to brunch as you said where the both of you talk about your future together. OMG you can't make this stuff up. Lol. You then return her to her house where she invites you inside and makes out with you in her kitchen. You get the sence you could have done her on the kitchen table right there - about 28 hours after first even meeting her online but because you somehow already talked about this you did not. She then takes her OLD profile down, doesn't really talk with you but at least does respond and you then spend the next four days obsessing over all of this.
Do I have that all correct? Did I leave anything out? And then most importantly does this entire story sound batshit crazy to you in any way? What kind if quality woman does all of this? Just what do you think you are missing out on here? If SHE were on the board here we'd be telling her not to get in cars with men she hardly knows, don't get hyper sexual in the kitchen with him so soon and for god sake don't be discussing your future together so soon.
To you I continue to say you don't know ANYTHING about this girl other than she sounds rather impulsive and flakey. She seems rather desperate to find someone and spends about two seconds thinking about her next move. And this is then someone any of us can figure out?
When I put it this way dies it change anything for you?
' M pulls up a seat with a big bag of buttered popcorn sprinkled with smarties and turns the channel to The OLD Channel to watch today's episode - How to almost do it on the kitchen table and then get Caspered. Episode to be followed by a panel discussion by OLD veterans on how to seal the deal, or not, or maybe. Young M who is hoping to get into the OLD universe is about to learn what he's getting into.'
M and DH....good stuff, I got a really great laugh. Thank you both!
' M pulls up a seat with a big bag of buttered popcorn sprinkled with smarties and turns the channel to The OLD Channel to watch today's episode - How to almost do it on the kitchen table and then get Caspered. Episode to be followed by a panel discussion by OLD veterans on how to seal the deal, or not, or maybe. Young M who is hoping to get into the OLD universe is about to learn what he's getting into.'
This had me rolling!!!
OK, so I was thinking about all of this dating and OLD dating stuff last night and really, let me lay it out there. It only took me like a million years to realize this, but I have had the most OLD experience really in the past 6 months of my life and this is what I really came to find out and speaks to what Don said.
We do not know these people at all. We cannot possibly know them from some text exchanges. Or a dinner. Or a make out session. They may present themselves as normal with potential, but we need to know that we do not know them at all yet. Therefore expectations should be at zero for atlease 6-7 dates, and it really does need to advance slowly. Because we are really only getting to know these people.
Here are some guy I thought I hit it off with and presented themselves perfectly, only for them to do some unexplainable things.
I was talking to a guy for a while. Seemed great. There was always a reason why we couldn't meet though. He was a real guy. I found him in my searches of social media. But for whatever reason, there was always a reason why we couldn't meet. Then he ghosted me when I said something.
Hatchet guy. Great first date, making out, speaking of our next date. Some texts 2 days later, and then, ghosted.
Plumber guy. Turned out to be a total perv.
Band Guy- well, you know how that story went.
We don't know these people. At all. It is different then dating a friend of a friend, or someone we work with, or got to know first one way or another. People are flaky and we go into this OLD knowing absolutely nothing about them. From one or 2 dates. Or maybe even a month or two, stuff begins to come out about their personalities, lives, habits, issues, ect.
I really see this whole "taking it slow" thing in a new light.
Now, J- if you want to have sex with her, go right ahead. She seems on board. But I would go into it assuming she is having sex with others and no relationship is going to come out of this.
It will just be sex. And I would make sure it is safe sex.
J,
I understand how you feel, Last friday I got the number of this gorgeous 21 yr old who I had been conversing with... She finally gave me the signs that she was interested i.e. touching my arms, looking at my lips and such. So I call her on sunday, no answer, no response. I call her on tuesday, no answer and no response so I am like ok, guess she isnt interested, which i understand and have no issue with. but why waste my time with giving me her number, I will see her again, but I wont bring it up. I will just move on and not let it affect me.
Rex!!! You are a 42 year old man and father, and she is a 21 year old girl! She's 21! She's still probably all about getting different guy's attention. Flirting is probably like a game for her.
You really can't have expectations of someone 21 years younger than you who was just legally allowed to go to a bar.....
Find some age appropriate women who are a similar place in their lives as you, and I think you will have better luck.
People are flaky and we go into this OLD knowing absolutely nothing about them. From one or 2 dates. Or maybe even a month or two, stuff begins to come out about their personalities, lives, habits, issues, etc.
I have read that people can hide who they truly are for up to 90 days before their true self starts to shine through.
L - What are your thoughts? Straight no contact or try reaching out again 1 more time?
G - I don't want this to dominate the boards again but I agree about really not knowing someone. Her words are definitely not lining up with her actions. I assume I could have had sex with her but maybe not. Again I didn't push hard because of our conversation leading up to her inviting me in. I won't make that mistake next time.
Obviously she has wanted to cool things way down but who knows the reason why. It definitely could be because of other dudes or other reasons as well. As you indicated I don't really know this person, I just took her for face value. Since I don't know her I don't know her motives either.
I do know that she initiated contact with me on Saturday morning and we agreed to meet later that afternoon. I very easily could have been a dud date and someone she wasn't attracted to but that wasn't the case. As you know it is a dice roll with OLD. She does have 2 kids and has them all week and her husband has them every other weekend. She told me she has been divorced for 2 years and she was in a 1 yr R with a older man that ended in June. She said there were a couple of other dates she had a 1 dater and then one that was 3 dates long and then she found out the guys had issues. Her daughter actually goes to the same school that my XW teaches at and we live 3 minutes from each other.
I probably should not have reached out on Monday and just played it cool for a few days but I was riding the momentum of the weekend. While yes she responded to me in a very timely manner she has not initiated any conversation since so my hunch about how I felt about the way she responded seems to be accurate. As you know if she really wanted to talk she had had plenty of opportunity to engage.
I had a great workout this morning and am looking forward to my oldest daughters first soccer game of the season tomorrow. Whatever happens with this happens.
Sounds like OLD gets stupid and boring real fast. Anyone try their luck in real life? I am trying to see if it might just be better to figure out how to do this like it was done back in the day instead of spending time on some app. From everyone that I've talked to, most of the dating apps are great for hook ups. Nothing wrong with that, but relationships are still hard as f$ck to figure out.
Maika, back in the day, we used to be more social. Go out more, meet friends of friends, when we were younger, it was people we met at college, high school, ect. Friends hooked us up with friends, we met people at bars, concerts, all of that stuff. A guy wasn't afraid to ask a girl out he was interested in. Girls used to not think guys were creeps for asking them out.
I had a total hottie flirt with me at a traffic light yesterday. Wish there was a way we could have exchanged numbers, I would have entertained a coffee or a drink!
Anyways, I won't beat this topic to death either. But I will tell you, Maika, smarties in your popcorn? I prefer to sprinkle my popcorn with raisinettes.
Glad you had a good workout. My new cross fit activity has been a game changer for me. Every muscle in my body hurts, but endorphins are a real thing. Good luck to your D in soccer! We have begun the cheerleading season. Woohoo. (sarcasm there).
School will be upon us, we will all be so dam busy soon. I think it will be good for everyone!
G - No contact or reach out 1 more time?
You are probably asking the wrong girl.
I would reach out once more, asking something definitive. Asking her on a date with a day and time and place. I think her answer will tell you a lot.
Yeah, people say I want answers too much. But my gut speaks to me and rarely ever wrong.
Your gut will tell you a lot by her answer. Ask her out, but casually.
I´m still happy for you J9. I´m happy for the steps taken, you know what I mean.
I agree with DonH but I agree with G too. What else could be wrong... light the fuse.
But then stop the mind reading please. Go play some basket
I agree with G on both fronts.
CrossFit is the best workout going and is a great place to meet like minded people.
One more reach out for a definite date. Anything less it is bye bye Kitchen Girl lol!
Cool......I lit the fuse. I will see if I get ghosted
oh $hit I forgot to say wait until Monday.
LOL.....I don't think it will matter
Rex!!! You are a 42 year old man and father, and she is a 21 year old girl! She's 21! She's still probably all about getting different guy's attention. Flirting is probably like a game for her.
You really can't have expectations of someone 21 years younger than you who was just legally allowed to go to a bar.....
Find some age appropriate women who are a similar place in their lives as you, and I think you will have better luck.
The age range I usually go for is 21 to 24... Thats a good age range for me. Age appropriate is a fluid number, dependant on what country or region you live in. If you were passive aggressive and trying to shame me into changing my preferences, good luck with that, im not shameful about anything, and am always honest and upfront with who I am. I dont think you were doing that though.
Flirting is a game to me also, im very social and like to flirt. The only expectations I have is to have fun. Dont get me wrong I have hit on women from age 21 to 60, its all about whether or not i find them attractive or if I just want to have fun and dance. But I have noticed most women I find attractive are between the ages of 21 and 24. That seems to be my preference and I am completely fine with that. I have certain things I dont look for in women and those things are usually found in older women than younger ones. I could elaborate further but I would probably just make you mad, and thats not what i am trying to do.
Sounds like OLD gets stupid and boring real fast. Anyone try their luck in real life? I am trying to see if it might just be better to figure out how to do this like it was done back in the day instead of spending time on some app. From everyone that I've talked to, most of the dating apps are great for hook ups. Nothing wrong with that, but relationships are still hard as f$ck to figure out.
I have an OLD profile but 95% of my dates come from meeting people in public spaces such as bars, groceries stores, malls and such. OLD is all about pictures and I just dont take good pictures and dont really care too lol. I have much better luck in person getting dates. I am also very social person so I am usually out and about.
As for not knowing someone online, that is completely true, but just like in real life it is not unheard of... Its the same thing as a one night stand. People who have known eachother maybe 20 mins to a few hours end up sleeping together. It has been like this since the dawn of time and there will always be some form of it.
Sorry if I offended you. But I guess it really does depend on your goal.
Would you like the woman you are with to be a good nurturing motherly figure towards your child? Do you want more kids of your own? Do you think a 21 year old is in the same place in life as you to have a meaningful long term relationship? They are generally just growing up..... experiencing, exploring, getting out of college, maybe still living in their parents homes, kids aren't on the horizon for another 10 years........
If you aren't looking for the LTR, then fine. I am not trying to shame you at all. You like what you like, I just hope you are aware of what comes with that looking into the future. I dated a guy 9 years younger than me and it ended because I had about one more year left in me to even consider having a child, and he definitely wanted children, but not atleast for another five years...... and we had to end it.
You may find them more attractive than older women. But how far can that attraction take you given the fundamentals of life. I mean, you do you, like I said, my comment wasn't about shame, but more like what to expect from dating in that age range, especially as an adult with a child. That's all. Good luck to you!
I think Halloween is coming early to J9's house
I didnt mean to hijack the thread so I will just answer your last post and move on from it. I do want more kids, but not at this moment. I am currently not looking for a long term relationship, thats the last thing I want since my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I am just looking to date, go have new experiences and explore life. So I dont have an issue with the person I am dating seeing other people, because I plan on doing the same. I want to make sure the next LTR i get into is with the right person and I feel I can only do that by dating multiple people. I could date a single person at a time, but then if it doesnt work out I would feel like I just wasted time, instead of maximizing its value. Also the ladies I date know I do see other people, I make this clear and they can either be ok with it or move on. At this point in my life I am just not ready for LTR, I hope to get to that point but im not there right now.
I am also not looking for a motherly figure for my child. She has a mother and since I am not looking for a LTR i dont feel the need to introduce them to my daughter.
The age range I usually go for is 21 to 24... Thats a good age range for me.
I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor and staring at the monitor in disbelief here. I'm not at all trying to shame you into anything. In fact I saw your 21 year old comment several days ago but didn't have the time to comment but it hit me like a truck. I just don't get it - not even close. I'm going to take YOU out of this and just talk in general terms about any 42 year old guy and 21 year old woman. Starting with the 21 year old could well be the 42 year old's daughter. But beyond that, what can these two people possibly have in common? What could they find to talk about - for more than an hour I mean. I think I've mentioned this before here but I know of this guy in his 50s who took a woman in her 20s to see the band Chicago - and she had zero clue who they even were. I mean from life experience, to things in common to, man you name it, there is just no potential for compatibility. Yeah, girls at this age are often attractive - that gets no argument and I am totally looking for someone pleasing to the eye to spend time with but holy cow there is just so much more to it all than looks. I'll again just bring it back to me, I'd have to wonder what is it within myself that I am finding myself most comfortable with and attracted to women half my age and along with it well under half the life experience, etc. that I have. Why am I doing that? What is going on inside of me? Am I afraid of women at my same level? What would they be thinking? Most nearly any 21 year old I know would find it beyond creepy if an "old guy" was interested in them. And if not, what is going on with them?
Not trying to shame you, or anything of the kind. I just feel kinda bad about the entire thing. It's just, just not something I can wrap my brain around. Maybe it's me, but I really don't think so.
Gotta agree with Don here. It's one thing if you just happen to meet someone much younger that you have an incredible bond with (and even then there are huge challenges to being together that usually disadvantage the younger person). But to purposefully be looking for young girls only - just smacks of using people or being too insecure to date someone who is at your own level.
Ok, so you only want casual dating - trust me, you can find women your own age who only want a f-buddy too and then you won't be taking advantage of some young girl's naïveté. Plus the odds that one of them is going to end up accidentally pregnant is much higher - unless you've had a vasectomy, is that a complication you want in your life?
A few hours left to go but I think I have officially been "ghosted "
So BL sent me a note back tell me that she thinks that we would make good friends but the physical attraction is not there for me. Did not expect this with you! Just want to be honest. I hope you understand. You are awesome and your romantic match is out I just don't think it's me.
This make absolutely no fuching sense. Thoughts?
no more thoughts man...seems like her message is pretty clear. Time to move on and think about what you can learn from this experience. She obviously viewed things completely differently than you.
Sorry, J9. You just never know.
"You are awesome and your romantic match is out I just don't think it's me."
This is all that matters. Next!
And I wouldn't bother being her friend either.
Yeah it's kinda weird but at least she was straightforward and honest about it.
If we wanted to mindread (highly inaccurate) I might guess:
- she thought she liked you but didn't like the way you kissed
- she liked you but then one of her other dates or ex-boyfriends stepped up and she went with them
- she WAS attracted to you but it freaked her out as she's not actually ready to date so she used this excuse and went offline.
I dunno - none of these sound quite right. It'll be a mystery. Move forward.
Thanks all.....yeah none of it makes sense but saying there is lack of physical attraction is BS. Don't invite me in your house and get it on with me for 30 min if that's not the case. Yeah it [censored] but definitely not worse than D. At least I know that there is hope. I'll just keep moving, I got basketball tomorrow morning.
If I had to guess kml it was b or c.
Thanks everyone....all of you are awesome!
J,
Give it zero headspace and just move on.
I have to say there are two comments in your last post that concern me a little.
1. Comparing what happened to getting D. Not even in the same stratosphere. If it is, Houston we have a problem.
2. " At least there is hope". Weak statement. You have to come from a mindset of " no big deal, it's her fuching loss"
Your day will come my friend, I am sure of it.
Yeah I hear you...thanks. None of it makes sense but it is what it is.....lesson learned. Basketball was great this morning until I got kneed in the quad....that hurt. My oldest has her first soccer game of the season in a couple of hours so I am looking forward to that.
I'm sorry J. It's better to have your answer so you can move forward.
There's really no rhyme or reason. It totally doesn't make sense. I recently experienced it myself as you know. Actions show one thing, then they say something that blows your mind.
Truth is, they are all guilty until proven innocent. So you have to give them time to prove themselves innocent.
I could imagine getting kneed in the quad hurts, but hey, look on the Brightside, I bet it's better than getting kneed in the balls!!
Have fun watching the kiddo at her soccer game! Make sure you are looking good.... soccer moms!
Believe nothing that they say...her loss.
G nailed it!...soccer moms!
Thanks guys......G I always look good, that girl is an idiot
. I don’t get up at 5 am every day for nothing! Smh. Soccer moms!!!!