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Posted By: Ginger1 Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 03:09 PM
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I had an extremely eventful last 24 hours, my head is spinning. I don't even know where to begin.

Well, I will begin with the thank you's and well wishes! Cadet, it's even much nicer than the picture! Party at my new house!

I am getting my own home inspector, absolutely. I should also be out of attorney review at the end of the week. When I was pulling up to home yesterday my landlord texted me he wanted to meet with me. I knew my house was under contract. So, he handed me some BS letter from his lawyer which holds no water to vacate by Oct 1st. He did say his offer still stands for the 5K. So I decided once I know I am safe, after I am out of attorney review and the inspection is done, I am going to give this offer: Take the 5K, be out by Oct. 15th, those 2 weeks being rent free. This will give me time to do my renos and move. I think he will take it.

I am not taking much money from my dad and stepmother. I withdrew from an IRA I had from an old job. Took the penalty. Set aside money for taxes. It was advisable by my father and my accountant. They will help down the road with some expenses.

We will see how things go today. I am pretty excited and I am just trying to keep my fingers crossed that the other shoe doesn't drop.

Now, my "love" life:

HC texted around 8pm last night " How's your week?". I did not answer until this morning with a "very eventful." no response of course. Bandguy ended up being able to get together last night. So we had a date. Turns out he is even better in person than he is on paper. So cute, so smart, so sweet. We HIT IT OFF. He even texted me first thing this morning and our date is still on for tonight. Don't worry guys, I didn't sleep with him. Did we kiss? Oh yes. We even cuddled. And I had the saddest realization. HC and I never cuddled. And I am a cuddler. I realize we have no physical contact outside of sex. Anyways, we seem to connect more and be on the same level, wanting the same things, he likes keeping in touch and is excited to see me again tonight for our originally planned date. He is a real sweetheart. I can tell you, he is a long term guy. Not a player.... and does like having a girlfriend. He grew up in a family that was very close with parents who have been married for 56 years. I think he is still getting over what happened though. he accepts it, but can't wrap his head around it. I get that.

This is a weird position for me I never imagined being in. I don't even know what to do. HC does not communicate at all. After a week he asks me how my week is. I say "very eventful" and he doesn't even bother asking what happened? Just radio silence. If I cut it off, I want it to be because it isn't working, not all because I am interested in someone else. Bandguy is going to be away for a long weekend. HC has not asked me out. And I am not asking him out.

What the heck do I do? This guy, on paper at least, because I don't know him that well yet, is kind of exactly what I am looking for. But I can't jump the gun. But if I was asking God for things lately, I would almost think he is plopping them in my lap. FINALLY. Too much seems to be going RIGHT in the past 24 hours, it is scaring the sh!t out of me.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 03:14 PM
..... and before anyone says anything.... I am not "all in" with band guy. it's not going to move fast. It's just as far as FIRST IMPRESSIONS go, it's a mutual attraction, we love talking to each other, and we just click. I look forward to more DATES. Just clarifying. I know when I speak excitedly about something, people here tend to think I am committed to them. Just talking about my first experience!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 03:18 PM
IMO....you can let HC fade off into the wind. I think you already have a bunch of red flags so it is probably a no brainer at this point. Even if he was moving slow he should have reached out within a 3 day period to make you next date not wait a full week.

Sounds like you might be onto something with band dude so go with it and see how it plays out.
Posted By: DonH Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 04:18 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I withdrew from an IRA I had from an old job. Took the penalty. Set aside money for taxes. It was advisable by my father and my accountant. They will help down the road with some expenses.


I'm not understanding this. You can borrow against an IRA for a down payment on a home. Why would an accountant advise you to cash it in and pay the penltues PLUS income tax? This makes no sense. Was this a traditional or ROTH?

As for the other comment about moving too fast, deep breath Don, it would not be your comments that raise that question, but back to back dates within 24-hours. Hmmmmmmmmm. I could say go slow or triple it or whatever but clearly what is going to happen is going to happen so I can just wish you luck and hope for the best. Cuddling on a first date? That doesn't happen in a public place does it? Please don't say this first date happened at your or his house? Or ended up there?

I am starting to feel like I'm always raining on your happy days and I most certainly do not want to do that - not at all. I really do hope this latest guy is what you are looking for. I just don't want to keep seeing history repeat itself. So let me end with Yeh!!!!!!! Congrats on a great first date!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 04:52 PM
I don't want to borrow against it. I don't want to pay it back and add a monthly payment. It was a rollover IRA. I would rather take the hit, and be free and clear.

About the back to back dates. Again, it is a kid/custody thing. he goes away tomorrow morning, and since we are available, we are taking advantage of it. I possibly won't see him again for a while. Trying to balance my 70/30 split with someone elses 50/50 split is the trickiest scheduling you can imagine. Sadly, I have had dates that never took off because of this. It's almost impossible sometime.

Yup Don, we ended up at his house. We didn't have the hanky panky. Tonight it's strictly dinner. And for a limited amount of time, because D10's grandma is coming to babysit. Yeah, you do rain on my parade. I can't do anything right!!!! I know I do things "against the rules" often. I guess it hasn't been serving me. But I didn't mess up too bad yet. I don't plan on it either.

J9- you are right. he is actually fading himself away. I am kind of disgusted by it, and I am grateful to have other things going on, because I would have given him a piece of my mind by now. It is admittedly easing the blow. Still silence from him.
Posted By: kml Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 05:17 PM
Cute smart sweet and he speaks your physical touch love language - that all sounds good.

AS for going over to a strange guy's house that you met on the internet on the first meeting - not the safest thing in the world. (Yes, I did it twice, but both times with guys I'd been talking to for 2-3 months who were long distance - and I'd actually searched crime databases on them first!). Just don't want you to end up a serial killer's victim.

As for HC - you don't have to do anything right now. You answered his text, the ball is in his court to ask you what the events are or to actually ask you when you are available.

You don't have to be mad at him - he didn't misrepresent himself (he did, after all, tell you he wasn't ready for a relationship) and the fact that he didn't meet YOUR expectations doesn't make him a bad guy. If he does ask you out for this weekend you can make up your mind at that time whether you want to see him again or not. If after tonight's date you decide you're definitely more interested in band guy, it's ok to tell HC that you've met someone who seems to be more interested in an actual relationship and you wish him the best.
Posted By: doodler Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 05:45 PM

I've already marked the wedding day on my calendar.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 07:29 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Well, I will begin with the thank you's and well wishes! Cadet, it's even much nicer than the picture! Party at my new house!

Let us know when and where. smile smile smile
Posted By: cat04 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 08:01 PM
Ginger,

Wow a very eventful few days!!! Congrats on the house. I get wanting to do reno...but I didn't see anything that needed to be rushed before moving in, unless you have the wiggle room..I don't remember, 1 bath or 2? Cuz that will make a difference...

Do what you need to do financially to make this happen. In the long run it will all work out.

As for the love life...I wanted to say some stuff this weekend and didn't but I will now...

Read below...

Originally Posted by Ginger1
This is a weird position for me I never imagined being in. I don't even know what to do. HC does not communicate at all. After a week he asks me how my week is. I say "very eventful" and he doesn't even bother asking what happened? Just radio silence. If I cut it off, I want it to be because it isn't working, not all because I am interested in someone else. Bandguy is going to be away for a long weekend. HC has not asked me out. And I am not asking him out.


On the topic of HC...you know what to do...you already know this isn't really working for you, for what you really want. If it was, you wouldn't be interested in anyone else.

You have a FWB...minus the friend IMO. More like a F-buddy...sorry for being so crude. If there was any friend in the equation, you would have a bit more contact or at least curiosity about your life. He is doing the smallest amount to keep in touch, to keep the option open.

As for bandguy...

Who knows where it will go. He is already showing you as much interest as is reasonable, without being over the top, when you just meet someone.

If you want to see what it can become, sit back and enjoy the ride. There are going to be things that you won't like and things you will. That is how relationships work. He is already more of a friend than HC is.

We don't talk as much as I might like, but I know you well enough to know that you are a good person. You need to begin to value yourself a bit more. And not accept less than you want from anyone. We always said around here that you teach people how to treat you. So teach whoever comes into your life that you are a strong, kind, funny person who needs to be viewed as more than a sexual creature. Trust me, when you do that and you find that person, the sex, is that much more amazing.

It doesn't happen overnight but it does happen.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 08:04 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Well, I will begin with the thank you's and well wishes! Cadet, it's even much nicer than the picture! Party at my new house!
I'll bring the pie and maple syrup.

Originally Posted by kml
AS for going over to a strange guy's house that you met on the internet on the first meeting - not the safest thing in the world. (Yes, I did it twice, but both times with guys I'd been talking to for 2-3 months who were long distance
I had a friend very angry at me when I met someone IRL who I had met online (non-dating site). She told me that if I woke up in a tub full of ice that she wanted dibs on my kidneys laugh

On the other hand, my daughter met her husband online (not a dating site) and then took a bus from Toronto to Viriginia to meet him in person when she was 18. I was very nervous and put on a lot of conditions. They've been married for 6 years now I think.

Originally Posted by doodler
I've already marked the wedding day on my calendar.
We'll have to coordinate our outfits. Wouldn't want my bow tie to clash with your clasp bag.
Posted By: job Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 08:20 PM
Ginger,

Is it absolutely necessary to do the remodeling prior to moving in? I can understand a remodel of a bathroom, but unless the other areas are a total disaster, I might want to think about waiting a bit. You may change your mind once you move in and want to do something totally different with the space. You don't have a lot of time to schedule someone to come in and do a lot of remodeling for you if you need to be out of your current place by October 1st.

I understand the need for wanting to remodel, but don't rush the process. When you do that, that is when things can go sideways. Do a little at a time and that way, you aren't pinched for money if an emergency should arise.

Just my two cents.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/01/18 08:27 PM
Congrats on the house. So very exciting! I agree with what Job said above. If there isn't an immediate need, move in and see what you really want to do. While 2 months sounds like a pretty significant amount of time, it really isn't much at all, especially when you factor in having to actually move and I would assume D10 starting school somewhere in the next few weeks and the need to get her settled into a routine. The 2 months will sneak up and fly by in no time.

As far as HC, I think a few others either flat out said or at the very least alluded to what I'm about to say, but you do NOT owe him ANYTHING. He rarely contacts you to see what is going on and even when you leave the door wide open for him to start a conversation in saying that your past few days have been eventful, he goes dead silent. Remember actions speak louder than words and his actions are absolutely screaming. Doesn't make him a bad guy or even necessarily the wrong guy for you, but he told you from the beginning he doesn't want a relationship and his actions continue to prove that. He seems to be in it for what he can get and what he can get is free dessert. You are more valuable than that. I'm not necessarily saying you should ghost him, but just let it go and if he contacts you, take it from there and respond as the mood strikes you at that time. Tell him you are interested in someone else or tell him this arrangement doesn't work for you or just respond to whatever he asks you then stop talking.........whatever works for you, but the point is, don't feel like you owe him anything in the way of discussing or explaining anything to him. He's going on about his life and you should go on about yours.

Good luck with the house and getting moved and settled. Such a very exciting time. And have fun with band guy. Sounds like he might be just what you are wishing for.
Posted By: doodler Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 11:57 AM
Originally Posted by job
I understand the need for wanting to remodel, but don't rush the process. When you do that, that is when things can go sideways. Do a little at a time and that way, you aren't pinched for money if an emergency should arise.


I totally agree with Job! You can do a lot of the remodeling stuff and repair work yourself and save a lot of money while increasing the value of your house. If there's something you don't know how to do, then just go to YouTube and search it up. April Wilkerson is one of my YouTube faves.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 01:11 PM
Helloooooo......

I am not remodeling the whole home. refinishing the floors and the redoing the bath. everything else can wait. I have to do the floors because my house is so small there is no where to move the furniture if I am already in there. Best bet is to do it empty as per my realtor. The bathroom I also have to do before I move in, because it's only a one bath, so if it's under construction, I don't have a back-up. The kitchen is going to wait. I am working my renos into my mortgage. I'll be doing all the painting with friends, ect. I am so excited and nervous with this flood zone thing. I'll buy a canoe, I guess. My dad wants me to have a generator, so I think he is going to pay for that.

Had my second date. We went to dinner and just talked for 3 hours. We are both chatty which is good. He told me his whole story. It's kind of textbook with the WAW. I feel so bad, he tried EVERYTHING to make it work but she wanted out for another guy. My worry is, you know there had to be a caveat to this guy...... A few months ago he was in a year and a half R that ended unresolved. He told me he was in limbo for a while seeing if she would come back. he gave that up and began dating again, but says he is a little confused. I see my luck getting in an R with this guy, and she comes back and I am gone. But really, I can't write stories for the future.

Just now HC responded. "sorry for being MIA. it's been a crazy week at work and my kids needed some extra attention. What was eventful?" I don't even want to answer. I know he doesn't want an R, but there is common courtesies in this world. How long does it take to shoot a text? Like you said Dawn, he is showing me who he is. He is trying to keep me just enough hooked to get the booty.

Anyhoo. Busy busy. I get to dog sit while everyone is one the cruise, exH is dropping off the dog tonight. Tomorrow morning is the last morning I see my baby. I actually don't have much plans with all this free time coming up, but I guess I should start purging and packing! Maybe going into the dreaded home depot or maybe even ikea (meatballs!) and start getting some ideas.
Posted By: doodler Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 01:22 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
What was eventful?


Respond with, "I'm dating someone else."
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 01:23 PM
Originally Posted by doodler
Originally Posted by Ginger1
What was eventful?


Respond with, "I'm dating someone else."



HAHAHAHA! Oh, how I would love too........
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 02:43 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Originally Posted by doodler
Originally Posted by Ginger1
What was eventful?


Respond with, "I'm dating someone else."



HAHAHAHA! Oh, how I would love too........


What's stopping you? I said before and I'll say again, you do NOT owe him anything.

I'm glad your date with band guy went well. I wouldn't worry too much about the unresolved thing. That seems to me to be one of those "what if" kind of things and you can't what if yourself to death. It is really easy to do that, but you just don't know how things would shake out if this woman were to pop back in his life. Just enjoy the time and go with the flow. Don't get me wrong, I understand being on guard. Lord, do I ever get that down deep in my core, but it isn't necessary to do that to the exclusion of having a good time.

Thanks for clarifying on the house thing. I understand doing the floors and bathroom before moving in under the circumstances you mentioned. I can't speak for anyone else, but I guess I was just assuming other renos that I was unsure why they had to be done prior to moving in, but those 2 in particular make perfect sense to get taken care of before there is stuff and people in the house. This whole new house thing is so exciting for you. Woo hoo!!!!!!!! Good for you.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 02:54 PM
So, I am pretty sure it just ended with HC. Here is out text exchange:

Me: Adjusting to single parenting and divorce while managing a full time career takes a lot out of you. I get that more than anyone. however, I never reached out to you or made plans, we would probably never speak to each other or see eachother.

HC: Perhaps this is a conversation that is not suited for texting, but that is a fair assessment and you have every right to feel that way. As I told you earlier, I realized I don't have the capacity to get into a relationship or even pretend to ease into one - I don't see one on my horizon. It isn't fair to you and perhaps I am keeping you at arms length much firmer than I should.

Me: I don't want this to end over text, I hate that.

HC: I am not ending anything. I am just reiterating my status and leaving it open for you to take whatever steps you need to take.



He wanted to meet for a drink to talk tonight, but it's my last night with D10. So we will talk on the phone tonight and I will end it.


What seriously disgusts me, while he is being honest (well, he wasn't completely in the beginning) he knows how I feels and won't say "this isn't fair to you, we should end it". Instead, his last comment said "I'd be happy to keep sleeping with you, but you aren't getting anything else from me: your choice"

And yes, that really stinks. I am sad. Frustrated with myself. Sick of being the woman who meets a guy who isn't ready and just wants to use her for sex and companionship. And I know that part is partially my fault.

But I still have emotions around it. Ugh,
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 03:05 PM
I am sorry G but your assessment is accurate. I personally don't like him putting it back on you TBH. IMO he should be a stand-up guy and end it himself because he knows this will hurt you in the end.

In my sitch that is why I ended it with the widow because I did not want to do that to her so I stopped it before we got too far.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 03:14 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
So, I am pretty sure it just ended with HC. Here is out text exchange:

Me: Adjusting to single parenting and divorce while managing a full time career takes a lot out of you. I get that more than anyone. however, I never reached out to you or made plans, we would probably never speak to each other or see eachother.

HC: Perhaps this is a conversation that is not suited for texting, but that is a fair assessment and you have every right to feel that way. As I told you earlier, I realized I don't have the capacity to get into a relationship or even pretend to ease into one - I don't see one on my horizon. It isn't fair to you and perhaps I am keeping you at arms length much firmer than I should.

Me: I don't want this to end over text, I hate that.

HC: I am not ending anything. I am just reiterating my status and leaving it open for you to take whatever steps you need to take.



He wanted to meet for a drink to talk tonight, but it's my last night with D10. So we will talk on the phone tonight and I will end it.


What seriously disgusts me, while he is being honest (well, he wasn't completely in the beginning) he knows how I feels and won't say "this isn't fair to you, we should end it". Instead, his last comment said "I'd be happy to keep sleeping with you, but you aren't getting anything else from me: your choice"

And yes, that really stinks. I am sad. Frustrated with myself. Sick of being the woman who meets a guy who isn't ready and just wants to use her for sex and companionship. And I know that part is partially my fault.

But I still have emotions around it. Ugh,


You know, I was in HC's corner until his response to you. MAYBE he's keeping you at arm's length further than he should? WTH? Seriously dude? And I totally agree with J9.....I don't like that he put it back on you. While I agree that it isn't necessarily a conversation to have over text (which I think you believe as well but you took a limited opportunity where you saw it, so I don't blame you for that, since your contact is so limited, mainly by him), it seems to me that if he was any kind of stand-up guy, he would've gone ahead and said yeah, not great over text, but you are right and I'm sorry we couldn't work it out (or something to that effect). But, no, he just tossed it back in your lap so that he can basically leave the door open to get some if you are still willing. Ugh............seriously? Now, before anyone else responds, I realize that I am mind-reading some as I'm not in HC's head so I don't know what his actual intent in what he said was, but G, since I know you and I think alike, I'd be surprised if your thinking wasn't along that same route mine is.

I'm so sorry it shook out that way, but I know you have better things on your horizon. laugh
Posted By: Georgiabelle Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 03:23 PM
G,

Glad date 2 went well. Everything will evolve in time-gotta let it play out in due time. No rush.

The house sounds like it needs some work but it will be fun to have something to make your own. Yes, the flooding would be a concern, but do your due diligence and do the best you can. That’s all you can do.

I’m sorry if I sound like a dissenter. Not sure what there is to end with HC other than whether you decide to see him casually. No big conversation necesssary. If I’m being honest, from what little I know, I don’t think HC sounds like a bad guy and he’s been rather straight forward. The real issue is that he’s offering the same thing he offered in the beginning and that isn’t what you want. And there is NOTHING wrong with what you want. However, you will feel awful and used if you seek what you want with people who want nothing of the sort. People are generally pretty honest in what they are looking for but it’s not always fun to hear-especially if you are attracted to them. If you want to keep in touch, your choice but unless you want just the occasional sexy times, HC is offering you nothing.

Enjoy dog sitting. That sounds awesome :-)
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 03:28 PM
Correct. When you said you hate to end it by text that was very clearly stating that this arrangement wasn't working for you. You made it pretty clear why if it wasn't already obvious. It would've been nice if he had said he was sorry this was painful for you and he understood why it was best that this not continue. But he was stubbornly not apologizing because "I told you up front..." Yeah, but that doesn't mean you can't feel sad that someone you liked got hurt, and supportive of them doing what they need to in order to avoid that pain in the future. I don't hate the guy, but that's a little callous. It's like if you have a full grocery cart and an old lady with a gallon of milk asks if she can check out in front of you. Anyone that declines that request because "I was here first" is technically within their rights, but that doesn't mean I'd want to go on a canoe trip with them.

Then again, if this guy was capable of all of that then maybe he'd be ready to reply to texts too. Hard to expect a guy that doesn't care during the 'relationship (?)' to start caring when you break it off.

Good luck with band guy.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 03:38 PM
Originally Posted by Georgiabelle
G,

Glad date 2 went well. Everything will evolve in time-gotta let it play out in due time. No rush.

The house sounds like it needs some work but it will be fun to have something to make your own. Yes, the flooding would be a concern, but do your due diligence and do the best you can. That’s all you can do.

I’m sorry if I sound like a dissenter. Not sure what there is to end with HC other than whether you decide to see him casually. No big conversation necesssary. If I’m being honest, from what little I know, I don’t think HC sounds like a bad guy and he’s been rather straight forward. The real issue is that he’s offering the same thing he offered in the beginning and that isn’t what you want. And there is NOTHING wrong with what you want. However, you will feel awful and used if you seek what you want with people who want nothing of the sort. People are generally pretty honest in what they are looking for but it’s not always fun to hear-especially if you are attracted to them. If you want to keep in touch, your choice but unless you want just the occasional sexy times, HC is offering you nothing.

Enjoy dog sitting. That sounds awesome :-)



he is definitely offering me nothing. And no, I cannot live nothing. it's not what I want. Yet, in a way, it's all I know.I think he could have offered up something more like "I can reach out and make more plans" or something that shows he could put an OUNCE of effort in. But he can't. I agree with J9, that he didn't have to leave that in my court. He knows I am feeling badly, just don't throw the ball back at me. He even admitted to keeping me at arms length purposely, which I can feel and I have mentioned here too. Someone consciously avoiding having any emotional connection with you really feels awful.

I am really excited to make the home mine. Luckily it's in good shape, but an old guy who reall, and I mean REALLY loves Jesus owns the house. It needs some special touches. Shopping for it will be so much fun.

D10 is already on my butt about getting a dog. The dog I am watching is my old dog. I miss him, so it will be good for me. He's 14, and the brother of my dad's dog.

I know I can't start predicting what this new guy might do with his exGF, but it's not a good enough reason to stop dating him. It was just nice enough to get a kiss hello and one goodbye. He "forgot" to text me goodnight last night and apologized and said it at midnight even though he said he knew I was sleeping. Told me when he was leaving this morning. He's sweet. I am looking forward to our date next week.
Posted By: kml Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 05:43 PM
Re: Bandguy - how exactly did this last relationship end "unresolved"? Does that mean she ghosted him, or he considers it unresolved because she couldn't bring herself to say definitively it was over? Why did they break up? I would want to know these things.

As for HC - I really feel like there is no bad guy here. He told you in the beginning that he wasn't ready for a relationship, and you presented yourself as if you were okay with that. You didn't speak up and say "oh sorry, I guess we're not a match then because I am really looking for a relationship." You just jumped into bed with him and hoped he would change his mind. Never a good strategy.

I can't really blame him because it's not like he was on a dating site misrepresenting himself as available. He DID like you, enough to break his rule and go out with you, but sadly he really IS NOT ready for a relationship. Maybe he's avoidant, maybe he's still hung up on his ex, whatever. There's no need to be mad at him just because he couldn't change into what you wanted from him. It's okay to just say "Hey, I really liked you, but I've realized I AM really looking for a full relationship and you just aren't capable of that at this time. I've started dating someone else who does seem more available and I think I'm going to go with that."
Posted By: DonH Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 06:13 PM
Wow, there really is a lot here - and a lot of it great!!!!

To start, you are very close to being a first time home owner (at least on your own). Let's not let that fall lower on the scale than it should as it's a huge deal. No more putting monthly money into a black hole (rent) with no return. In just a few months you'll start to gain equity. If you make improvements it won't be too long before the house could be sold for more than you paid for it. If only two or three years down the road, say should you be getting married or something, you can very likely sell it and make some form of profit. If you hang onto it until G graduates high school you'll nearly certainly make a nice profit. This really is a big deal and you should feel GREAT about yourself for getting it done!

As for band guy - great job on the second date. Yeah, this old GF could come back. Perhaps the fact that he's dating someone new, that could bring her running back. But ya know what, at our ages, there is always going to be SOMETHING. Life just does not have guarantees. If this were a separation preceding a D I'd have totally different advice but in this case, sure keep it in mind but I would not let it effect anything. Band Guy seems like a very decent guy. Of course you are just getting to know him - and appearances are not always what we think. That just means, keep your eyes open, take it slow and heed the signs he gives you. My largest concern is he seems to be quick to move into an R just like you. I fear the two of you together could be off to the races in no time. He's giving you what you want and need and that's great, it really is. I would just caution you to ask why? It may be who he is, it may be genuine and it may be without red flags. Just make sure he's not a needy, hurt guy following being dumped or something else. Still, I see zero reason not to continue and not to enjoy it and let it play out.

So I see both of these as pluses and great things. Then there is HC:

I guess I'm not sure what the "correct" behavior here is, what is right, what is wrong, but I do see a lot of things. To start with, this is what often happens when sex happens on the first or second date - it just is. Don't beat yourself up over it just learn from it.

From all you have told us, HC has been consistent from day one. He laid out what he was able to do and what he did not want to do. He has not changed in that at all - yet some now want to punish him for it. On the morning after the second date, he was putting you at arm's length by claiming he could not miss a single morning work out and ran out the door (metaphorically speaking) at 5:00 AM. That was arms length right there. He's been very slow to answer texts and now he admits that was on purpose. Right or wrong, I've done that myself - though mostly for days not a week. A text comes in from someone you know is way more into you than you are into them. It's just easier to ignore it for awhile. I'm not condoning it or defending it for him - or for me when I've done it. I'm just admitting I have. Too busy with work is just an excuse and he finally admitted he has kept you at arms length - likely for his comfort but I also think because he didn't want you to get the wrong idea. He spelled it out, and then reinforced it. Yet some want to give him a 2X4 for it anyhow.

Ginger you kinda set the rules here. HC admitted that he usually is not intimate until the 6th date. You offered much sooner - but then is he the bad guy for taking you up on that offer? You then later said you only slept with him because you knew it would not go anywhere and you might as well fulfill some of your needs since both of you were on the same page. Only now, he's in the wrong for accepting YOUR offer. Perhaps I'm a bit defensive on his behalf because I've been in this situation. I am as blunt as they come and as forthcoming and honest - obviously. Yet even after being forthcoming and honest, I too have had women get upset with me when I actually follow through with what I said I was going to do all along. And Ginger, please don't think I'm only taking you to task here - there are others here that feel the same way. And then it's his fault for slightly, with a single sentence I might add, keeping the door open??? It's almost like being upset with a dog for eating the food you left on the floor by his kennel.

I don't think either of you were really "wrong" in what you did. I think you can most certainly learn from it. I don't know if you thought that if you offered some early "dessert" as some have called it, that you'd get him to change his mind? I kinda of think maybe? Hoping that he'd find out what a great women you are and even though he said he didn't want anything serious you'd get him to change his mind with some early and awesome sex. That was a gamble or risk that did not pan out - and it usually does not.

I know my point has been made - again - so let me circle back to two "wins" and one "needs improvement." The home purchase is a total win (as long as the home inspection and flood insurance issues work out). Clearly Band Guy is a much better fit for you. It's a great win for a good start. He may still not be the one - but he is most certainly playing in your ballpark and is already meeting your expectations better than some of the others have. Just don't let Band Guy turn into Firefighter. He too started this exact same way. Don't repeat that history. As for HC, that was a bad choice - or not??? It just can't be both. Either it was not a good idea to sleep with him so soon and allow him to call all the shots or it was just a hookup FWB that you are fine with. But it can't be both - you can't be mad at him for pretty much being honest from the get go and you taking what he was giving. I think perhaps you're more mad at yourself - and that's okay, maybe even good. Just don't beat yourself up too bad. I'd just move on, put it behind you, learn from it, and never repeat it again. Make Band Guy and any others that come after him earn the dessert. Leave the hook ups for the 20 somethings - or see them for what they are.

One last little thing G - I have to give you HUGE HUGE credit for coming here and being honest. Many would rather just glass over the bad stuff. You put it all out there for everyone to respond to - both good and bad - and that takes huge guts! Just don't lose sight of the fact that you life is very clearly in an upswing phase. No one ever gets all good - we all have to make mistakes and take some bad. But in balance, you are doing great!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 07:47 PM
So, band guy's ex GF was someone he dated for a year and a half, introduced, kids, vacationed together, ect. He felt like everything was good. When they were dating her mother who she was very close to had died. She took it very bad. Something else happened, I forgot what, and she kind of shut down and simply said "I just can't do this right now" not much further explanation and that was it. So, he spun out over it, got pretty depressed over it and is coming back around. I had asked if he was wishing she would come back. He said "I don't even know I would want her right now". he is confused about it for sure. I think my paranoia kicks in from the trauma of everyone I am dating leaving me for someone else. But, yes, Don, he is much more on my playing level than HC is.

I will not rush into anything with him. No insta relationship. Just enjoying the company. He did tell me he was a people person and it does get lonely spending so much time alone, and I feel the same way. But we are having some dates and they are nice. He is not getting dessert anytime soon. But kissing is fun. he is super physical touch like me. But not for just sex. For affection.

HC: Thank you for the kudos Don on the honesty. I am honest. I can admit when I make a mistake. But I did not think sleeping with him would make him want an R. Not at all. I did this to myself by entertaining a guy who wants nothing. And the sleeping together created a FURTHER distance than there would be otherwise because he wanted to distance. I guess I thought no relationship would be strictly sex and with me putting out all the effort to see each other to have said sex. I feel a little upset with him just with his last comment. But sure, no harm, no foul. I am not painting him to be a bad guy. Tonight I will tell him We should go our separate ways because I have realized I am not OK with a just sex relationship. I will wish him the best and that will be that.

What more can I do?

But oh yeah, the house is such a great thing and will take up a lot of my time and thoughts and energy. And I really never thought I would be a single homeowner. I always thought my next house would come with a boyfriend.husband, haha. So big step doing it on my own, and I am proud.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 08:20 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1

HC: Thank you for the kudos Don on the honesty. I am honest. I can admit when I make a mistake. But I did not think sleeping with him would make him want an R. Not at all. I did this to myself by entertaining a guy who wants nothing. And the sleeping together created a FURTHER distance than there would be otherwise because he wanted to distance. I guess I thought no relationship would be strictly sex and with me putting out all the effort to see each other to have said sex. I feel a little upset with him just with his last comment. But sure, no harm, no foul. I am not painting him to be a bad guy. Tonight I will tell him We should go our separate ways because I have realized I am not OK with a just sex relationship. I will wish him the best and that will be that.


That is kind of what I was trying to say too, but didn't say it well at all. I don't necessarily think HC is a bad guy and what I meant when I said he's showing you who he is is that he was telling you from the get go that he wasn't capable of any relationship stuff and his actions were backing that up. Now the part that I did NOT like was that in his text to you, he put it all back on you. I agree with what GB said about there really wasn't anything there to "end" but for your closure, I think he should have stepped up and just said hey, this isn't working for me, so let's let it go right here (or something to that effect....whatever words actually worked for him). Regardless, the important part is that you are ok with yourself and how you handled things and someone said (Don, I think) don't beat yourself up. It was what it was and you can move forward now with all the GREAT things that are right in front of you.
Posted By: Coconut Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 10:05 PM
There's a history of Walk away's with him, to me it appears he is a "good guy"; you want the attention that can provide, the putting you on a pedestal, but if you want a mans man, then be careful. Just keep your eyes open, if he defers all decisions to you, don't continue unless you want to be the leader of the family.
Posted By: kml Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/02/18 11:04 PM
Quote
When they were dating her mother who she was very close to had died. She took it very bad. Something else happened, I forgot what, and she kind of shut down and simply said "I just can't do this right now" not much further explanation and that was it. So, he spun out over it, got pretty depressed over it and is coming back around


So - the only red flag here for me is, the part where he spun out over it and got pretty depressed.

I mean - I get it, you've invested time in a relationship and thought it was going somewhere and then it fizzles. Very disappointing. But if the way he handles adversity is to spin out and get depressed - that worries me a bit.

Also - she was grieving the loss of her mother and shut him out. An adult who truly loved that person might reasonably look at the situation and say "She's really hurting, I should just stand back and offer her support and make no demands on her until she feels better."

Now, maybe he did that, and maybe she's just the dating equivalent of a WAW who went into the MLC rabbit hole once her mom died. You'll just have to keep your ears open for more clues.
Posted By: Fogg Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/03/18 12:53 AM
Hey Ginger, have to agree with what Don said here. HC said from the beginning he wasn't ready for anything serious and you two still went out, from his perspective you both knew the terms and seemed ok with it. Now if you weren't ok with it I don't think its his responsibility to make that decision for you as others have said here. We all have to be responsibly for our own actions and feelings, not put them on others. Its your job to walk away from something if its not working for you, not his to make you walk away. The part about him throwing it back on you, I don't really see it as necessarily the wrong thing of him to do either. I can understand how you could feel frustrated but when someone tells us something and shows us the same message with their actions, its on us to accept that and not put unrealistic expectations on them. I know you tried to go into it just seeing where things went without the expectations. But actions show us they're there. Please don't take any of it as personal either, you know hes just in a different place in life. As far as what you plan to say to HC, sounds good. Honest communication and stating the situation isn't for you, nothing wrong with it.

The new guy, just be cautious and take things slow. I think you may end up being the one to slow him down? All the texting on the first day, two dates back to back and you know a bunch of his history already. The relationship he just got out of a few months ago, how long was the gap between that one and his ex-w? Something to consider, some people cant be along and need a relationship to define them. I certainly was that way when I was married. I never developed my own identity other than the one that meshed with my ex-w. To lose that was to lose me, I think that could add to what kml was saying with him spinning excessively after a breakup if he struggles to be single. Just by 2 cents though

Congrats on the house btw! Glad you could find something that works for you smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/03/18 12:52 PM
There is so much excellent perspective here..... I missed Zues's and Dawn's post somewhere in the mix, and you guys pretty much spelled out how I feel about HC. Really though, no love lost, I don't think he is a bad guy, I just wish he didn't throw the ball back at me. It was a little self-important too where he thought I thought "He" was ending it, where as "I" was ending it. So, we never had our phone call. He texted me at 11pm that he was getting back from the city late and his phone was about to die, and he was sorry, and he would call me tonight. I almost wish he wouldn't, there is nothing to even discuss. He just wants booty, I do not, and it's over. Done. Have a good life. I will give him the tickets that I purchased to the event for next Thursday. Not exactly something a woman goes to without a date. So it's all his.

I just really want to emphasize: sex changed nothing for me. I had zero expectations from sex making it anymore than what it is. I will have you know, he was not crystal clear up front. But his actions began to show me his intentions, I pointed them out, decided they won't work and it's going to be over.

As for Band Guy. He is definitely your story of a LBS with a WAW. He's classic. It's sad. And coconut said I think he got a bit of the nice guy thing going on....... A lot of it I think has to do with his upbringing. He comes from a tight knit family with parents who have been married forever. He had the most ideal childhood...... He lived at home until he got married. This is kind of his first real time being married. I am not worried about the manly man thing. I could tell he would do anything to make something he wants work..... Oh, and what he did with this girlfriend is indeed back off and give her space and he never really heard from her again, so I guess that's where his limbo feeling came in.

So, the luckiest woman on earth picks up the title to the car she just bought out the lease on and gets in a car accident that day! That woman would be me. Going home from work, traffic on the highway, left lane stops short, the girl behind me hits me. Her first car accident, my first in a very long time. She must have been 19-20. We pull over. My bumper is cracked, her hood a bit damaged. Both of us are fine. Hot state trooper comes. Ring on his finger. Ugh. We did chat personally a little...... Anyways, I felt bad for the girl, there wasn't much she could do. I said I would get an estimate and if she wants to pay privately, she can. So that was my fun yesterday. I told Bandguy about it and genuinely seemed concerned. He's away on a roller coaster road trip with his friends. Still keeps contact. Says good morning, good night, that stuff. It's kind of nice.

Last night was me and D10's last night together before her cruise. We went out to dinner, did some shopping, and exH dropped off the dog. We hugged for like 20 min when I dropped her off at camp. 8 days without my baby!!!! I have no plans for the weekend either...... with other people that is. It's funny how I could have all the plans in the world when I have her, and none when I am free. I see myself doing a lot of purging and exercising this weekend.

I should be out of attorney review today. I drove by the house last night. It's waiting for us! I found a bathroom remodel online that I love that suits my size and needs perfectly. Still won't believe until I get the keys though!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/04/18 03:01 PM
I shall start this mornings post with a vent. My baby girl has arrived in Puerto rico. I got a video message from her father of my daughter riding in the back of a pick up truck from the airport with a tractor trailer next to them!!!! I am livid! The whole video is them both saying how I am going to kill him! This is like the first 5 minutes of vacation, to I have to freak the whole time?! It's like OW's family or something. Too dam cheap for a cab?! Good lord. He's an idiot.

Ok, now that I got that out of my system. HC and I ended it over the phone last night. It was very cordial, both understanding eachother's positions. He did feed me some BS. But I didn't buy it and he just needs to go do his own thing. He did say "reach out sometime" Yeah, right. It's not even worth talking about anymore. I just couldn't do that again. I held on once waiting for someone to be ready. This guy seems like it's going ot be a super long time. I can also tell he is deep in that selfish stage. I do deserve so much more. Not even worth talking about anymore. Fun while it lasted. Over now.


I am truly a F-up in all areas of romantic relationships. I am good at all other relationships in my life, but I can't get this right. Friendships are natural. You don't have to play games, or follow some stupid rules, or worry about being too available, or not available enough. You just be. Oh well.


I have since gotten facetime call from my child who thought it was the greatest thing in the world to ridei n the back of a pick up on the highway and will get to the cruise port the same way. This mom right here is ready to kill her ex husband.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/04/18 05:36 PM
When I was her age, I was pretty sure that only in a severe rainstorm, or I had to become an adult, before I could ride in the front of a truck...

My name was "sit down !"

And my brother's name was " d@mmit, sit down !"

If my memory would ever return from that time, I'm sure that I would have stories....











Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/05/18 02:26 PM
The poor baby caught the stomach virus that was going around camp and spent the first night on the cruise puking. She feels better today though. Hopefully everyone else doesn't get it. His sister will go nuts.
Posted By: job Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/05/18 09:37 PM
I am so sorry she caught a virus. Usually if one gets it, others will soon follow. Hope she feels better and can enjoy the cruise.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/06/18 02:50 PM
Originally Posted by job
I am so sorry she caught a virus. Usually if one gets it, others will soon follow. Hope she feels better and can enjoy the cruise.



Thanks Job. She was feeling so/so yesterday, but much better today and will be swimming with the dolphins. No one else is sick so far, thankfully.

I came today to let out some negative thoughts. I just needed to put them somewhere.

On IG last night, I saw FF's IG story. The pictures were of her and her new boyfriend and FF and his GF at a winery.

I hated seeing it. Not because I long for him. There is just no ex I could look back on and see single like me. Almost every single one of them is deeply committed to the person after me. It actually really messes me up in the head. Why do I not deserve it? Why am I the only one STILL alone? It kicks me in the gut.

The two of them are young and happy and his family loves her. They will get married, have their own kids. Why did I even entertain the thought of this working out between us? I was a desperate fool who should have just told him I am too old for him.

I can't make these mistakes anymore.

But really, what has me all messed up seeing everyone coupled up with the one they left me for. Including my exH. I just feel like I am being punished for something.
Posted By: doodler Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/06/18 03:57 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
But really, what has me all messed up seeing everyone coupled up with the one they left me for. Including my exH. I just feel like I am being punished for something.


Ginger,

If you see a recurring issue with your relationships, then there probably is a problem that needs to be addressed. Maybe it's a good time to go on a Ginger Quest to find some answers rather than simply trying again and achieving the same results.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/06/18 04:14 PM
Originally Posted by doodler
Originally Posted by Ginger1
But really, what has me all messed up seeing everyone coupled up with the one they left me for. Including my exH. I just feel like I am being punished for something.


Ginger,

If you see a recurring issue with your relationships, then there probably is a problem that needs to be addressed. Maybe it's a good time to go on a Ginger Quest to find some answers rather than simply trying again and achieving the same results.



I've been questing for 10 years.

I am kind of done questing.


It's pretty simple. I need to not even entertain the thought of even going out on a date with someone whom I know is logistically or emotionally not the right fit. And not let my emotional desire get in that way. I need to be more logical. Everyone (my exH situation was just a mess) has been at a very different place in their lives than me.

which = not too young, or not too old. Not in another state. Not fresh out of a marriage. Divorced, kids, ready for a relationship is all I should be considering and I should be turning everyone else down otherwise.

Timing has been pretty much awful with all of them. My mistake is ignoring it, thinking things will work themselves out if it is meant to be.

Other than that, bad luck.

I wasn't asking why this happens though. Just how it makes me feel.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/06/18 06:32 PM
I feel like you and i are the opposite when approaching relationships. Im discovering i am a bit too logical and you cant really rely on that either Ginger.

I dont know why others have such good luck with relationships. I never would have expected that i would have no problem with my career, but problems with my love life. I have always been that relationshipy/girl friend wife type of person so i dont get it!

Ginger, we met. I dont think either of us is hard to get along with. We are both (not trying to sound conceited, just factual) ahead of conpetition in our age group in terms of having qualitities that mates are seeking. So whats the issue?

I keep going back to the idea that perhaps i dont know how to negotiate well for myself? Like im undervaluing or settling and then end up unhappy or in something unhealthy??

Not sure. Just empathizing.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/06/18 10:19 PM
So. When I wait for the other shoe to drop there is always a reason. Because the other shoe drops.

My attorney called and the family of the seller talked him out of selling his house. He is 75 and his wife recently died and his kids think he is making an emotional decision. But I heard he wants to move by his brother, that's why he is selling. SO he isn't alone.

So, I have no house. I have to break the news to my child. I have find another in a very short amount of time, which I most likely won't. I cried. I just cried at my desk. I really can't take this anymore. The layer said in her 30 years this is unusual. My agent is hoping he changes his mind in the next few days.

My luck is non-existent. I can't even believe this happened for a reason. After all I have gone through, this is just cruel. I can't even bring myself to tell my daughter.

I just need one stroke of good luck. Or no stokes of unusual bad luck. I am losing my mind.

Juju, I also met you and I agree, you are beautiful, intelligent, a great mom, with a great career. I wouldn't let go of you if I had you. I do think I make more emotional decisions rather than logistical ones. I need to be smarter when choosing a partner. I believe you have done your due diligence too. You are very pragmatic and smart and loving. We don't deserve this. We are amazing and lovable. ANd no one's second choice.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/06/18 11:57 PM
I am so so sorry. That just totally [censored]!!!! Ugh.

Theres still a chance though. He might change his mind. Wouldnt it be better for him to be near family?
Just get back on the saddle. People are always selling. Especially now before the schools start.
Posted By: job Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/07/18 04:52 PM
I am keeping my fingers crossed and saying some prayers that the man will change his mind and move near his family. It doesn't make sense for him to live alone in a home away from his family unless they do not want him around them. If it's a matter of keeping the place in the family, then rent it out to someone and have their father move closer, but the best option would be to sell it and relocate their father. Doesn't make any sense to me why they would be discouraging him to stay there.
Posted By: DonH Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/07/18 05:49 PM
I'm so sorry to hear this Ginger. But how can this even happen? I don't know much about the real-estate space but after they accepted your offer is that not a binding agreement? Can they really "un-accept" your offer? Have you put money into this deal paying an attorney, etc? If so do you have damages there that they perhaps may at least need to pay you some money to cover costs and damages? I'd be furious and get what I could but that's just me. You can't play games like this with people's lives - putting up a house for sale, accepting an offer then saying "oh, never mind" I'd put some pressure on them if I could - again that's just me as I don't play with stupid people tricks like this. Decisions and actions have consequences and they may need to feel some???
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/07/18 06:28 PM
I am so sad. still kind of in shock. I think a possibility is his family doesn't want him down there, as job said. It's just crazy. I can only hope he changes his mind, but I doubt it. The offer was accepted and we were in attorney review, where you can still back out. usually it's the buyer that backs out. Luckily you don't get charged by the attorney if it falls through.

I am in an awful spot here. I am going to have to fight my landlord because he is trying to kick me out by Oct. 1st. I'm going to lose his deal.

Just can't catch a break.

.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/08/18 12:36 PM
Since my house life is gone for the time being, let's talk about my love life. We all know it could be funny and entertaining at times.

I have to say, I have learned a lot of dating different men. Things I would have never known or felt before. Everyone brings something different to the table. Everyone also teaches you something about yourself.

I have seen Bandguy twice more. He came home from his trip Monday and I went over his house to watch a movie. Late. I did sleep over. I did not have sex with him. I'm not going to say things didn't get hot and heavy, but neither of us is ready for the sex. What was different? We slept in each other's arms all night. I haven't done that since FF. HC made sure not to touch me and sleep on the opposite side of a king bed. We woke up, he cuddled me, kissed me good morning and offered to make me breakfast before I went off to work. He is 12 min away from my work which was super nice. We never quite finished the movie that night, so he invited me over last night to finish it. And that's exactly what we did. He gave me a lovely kiss goodnight and I went on my way. His kids were there. Fast asleep. Actually, he had this horror movie on his very loud surround sound system and I couldn't believe the kids didn't wake. he said they sleep like logs, and he was right.

So yeah, I know some might judge. But when you are divorced with young kids, you get crafty dating. You figure it out. We may not be able to follow all the "rules" but really, it is almost impossible if you actually ever want to see anyone. I happen to be childless this week, and he goes away to band camp next week. You never know when you might see eachother next. If your kids schedules are going to line up. We are in a very similar position, we both get it, so we do what we do. We understand each other.

So far, I don't need to play the game with this one. Not at all. He shows interest, keeps in touch, thinks of me, looks forward to seeing me, and doesn't keep me at a firm distance. But we haven't gotten too close yet. We are not hot and heavy and fast emotionally. Not all in at all. We are just spending time together when we can getting to know each other.

He is probably my best choice logistically so far. I am not putting myself in an impossibly unrealistic position. So we can only see where it goes, but I am enjoying myself so far.

Funny. HC who never texted me when we were seeing eachtoher felt the need to reach out to tell me how he burned his member by urinating right after cutting up hot peppers. He had done this before and told me. Guess he felt the need to share again? I just said "I thought that was a lesson you would never forget" and left it at that.

But what a difference. A lesson I learned from this back to back dating thing. It need to stop denying my needs because they might not fit in with other's. My needs are important too. I paid zero attention to mine in my marriage. They aren't "wrong". It's also ok to let go of what doesn't serve you. I was not feeling good with HC. I began to think I shouldn't be feeling that way, and I should just accept what he was giving me. Band Guy has helped me realize I don't just have to accept what comes along and to be honest with myself.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/08/18 02:58 PM
G - When my time comes I will be in the same boat. Having the lady I am dating over after the kids go to sleep, etc. There is no shame in it and I agree you do what you need to do. Sounds like you are enjoying getting to know band guy. Good for you.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/08/18 04:56 PM
Thanks Joe. The other options is rarely see each other or introduce the kids too early. I don't think either of them are the better choice. I am glad his kids are sound sleepers. We had a plan in case they wake up. I was simply Daddy's friend. I don't think there is any harm in that. I prefer to date guys with kids and I have kids, so we make it work.

I am definitely enjoying getting to know band guy. he has the same name as you, I think that's a good sign! Today he is throwing his son a birthday party. He did everything himself and sent me pictures of his pintrest successes! yes, that is very hot to us single mom women. Along with the ability to fix things. Last night he wanted me to text him when I got home. We had some wicked storms and there a detour that took a little longer to get home. I said "I hope I didn't wake you, it took me longer than usual to get home." He said "I wasn't sleeping, he was waiting for your text" he speaks my LL on all counts. And guess what book he had on his nightstand?! "5LL"!

Today I am going to go look at a condo. Not what I really want, but my choices are dwindling. At least the complex has a pool. Dinner with friends tonight. My D needs to get home. I miss her horribly and I would never survive as a bachelorette. My domestic desires go down hill when she isn't around. I finally made myself do laundry and the dishes!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/08/18 05:12 PM
That is a very good sign! When you have kids I don't think you have a choice and if you are trying to do it right and introduce them too early then you have to find ways to make it work so I am totally on board. I think my XW introduced too soon for the sake of spending time with her BF but that is on her.

From what you have described he sounds like a good guy and as long as you feel the chemistry and the sexual polarity then continue to see where it leads. It sounds like he is pretty invested in you which is good!
Posted By: kml Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/08/18 05:30 PM
Quote
Funny. HC who never texted me when we were seeing each other felt the need to reach out to tell me how he burned his member by urinating right after cutting up hot peppers.


Funny how that works, huh?

And it seems clear that A) you are an extrovert and B) your love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation (the texting is really affirmation for you).

I'm an introvert myself but oddly, have dated mostly extroverts. (It's kinda handy to have them do some of the social life organizing for you.) It's workable but requires some adjustments. Extroverted CMM for instance would spend every night with me if I allowed it and is bummed I'll be gone on tour for 11 days. I'm personally looking forward to a break because my introvert self needs some alone time to recharge (and even though I am traveling with 2 other women musicians, we are all introverts and can drive for miles without any talking lol).

I'm also a physical touch person and it is indeed luxurious to be involved with somebody who speaks that love language too. (Oddly, even though my ex and I slept spooned together for 26 years, he was not really a physical touch person - maybe that was more a manifestation of his extroversion, he didn't want to be alone even in his sleep!). CMM is very physical touch (as was crazy exBF) and I believe his other preferred love language is words of affirmation.
Posted By: DonH Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 12:26 AM
My top LL is physical touch (followed a close second by words of affirmation). However, I CANNOT sleep with someone cuddling me or me them - just cannot. I can touch a little here and there but I simply cannot get to sleep and stay asleep that way - never could, even when I was married.

I'm really, really huge on the kids thing - as Ginger already knows. Kids just don't have the choice in these matters and have already gone through the divorce of their parents. Then someone else gets in the picture, they get attached and if that person goes away it really writes on the slate of who they are in so many ways. That said, it certainly is really hard for kids not to have some sort of interaction with someone you are dating - especially if you want to wait the 6 to 12 months that many experts recommend. HOWEVER - that does not mean the kids can't ever "meet" someone you are dating. That would be nearly impossible. The thing is, meeting someone for a few minutes here and there is completely different than getting attached to someone. I don't think anyone sees much if any harm in kids spending a few minutes here and there incidentally with a dating partner. It's when the dating partner really gets into their lives - helps them with homework, teaches them how to throw a baseball or ride a bike, has someone do their hair or take them places or go on a vacation. It's this type of action that really puts the kids at risk for all sorts of guys or women coming in and out of their life. That is way, way different. If the kids woke up during the movie and were introduced to you - that in no way will harm them. It's when they start watching the moves with you, going to dinner as a "family" etc., and especially when the dating partner starts spending quality time with the kids that it gets to be a problem. And to be clear, I'm talking a lot here about younger kids as well - especially pre-teen and younger.

Yeah, it's yet another hurdle to work around when either or both have kids, but until you know that this person is more likely than not to be around for a long term, it's not worth the risk for the kids. After about 6 months you can start to get a good sense if he or she will be here for the longer term. If people even wait 6 months, many of those dated would never become an issue as it's done and over by then. Something that makes it 6 months and for certain a full year, is far less risky.

I think you are doing things really well so far this time Ginger. And I very much agree that you were giving up too much just to have someone to date with a few of these other guys. It's not worth it, as you are now seeing. You wanted to be accommodating and that's a good trait but not to the exclusion of all of your needs. I am so pleased for you to see how you are now looking back at some of these and seeing that. HC really was a big example of this. But you see it now.

I hope both you and band guy will be able to keep on the course you appear to be on. It's certainly not slow by most standards but it's also not over-the-top fast or all in like has been the case in the past. You've been single for a long time and I think you know what you are wanting and are ready for it. I do, however, worry a bit about band guy - but only because I don't know (or don't remember) his history.

How old is Band Guy?
How long has he been D'd?
How long ago since his last R ended?

I know you said he was in an LTR but that woman got cold feet or something and pulled back without a total closure. Hopefully she won't see how he's moving ahead with you and decide she made a terrible mistake and try to get him back. Of course that's a risk, but there is risk to any R.

I have a good feeling about this guy. Or at least a much better feeling than I have had about most of the others over the past two or three years. Yeah, I know, amazing hey? "I" have a good feeling about it all for you. It's passing the Don test - which either means you may have finally found a good guy (I mean, he is a musician after all) - or you are really in trouble with this one since Don is pretty bad at this R stuff and is just some goof on the Internet. LOL
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 12:47 PM
Quote
How old is Band Guy?
How long has he been D'd?
How long ago since his last R ended?


he turned 42 on our first date. 4 years older than me. Closer in age than the other guys.

He has been D's 3 years. He does struggle with the lost of his family unit and partner. He is very much a planner and do things by the book guy. he thought he did everything he was supposed to, and still lost it all. If he wasn't sad about the loss of his family unit, I think I would be more worried. It's a normal thing to grieve. I don't think he misses her, but he does miss his family/life partner as he is a family guy raised in a big family with parents who have been together for 56 years.

His last R ended I believe around Christmas. I can't sit here and say "what if she comes back" I could only hope if that ever happens and we are in an R, he realize it's me he wants to be with. Not much I can do about this.

Kids will stay out until we are seriously dating, and yes, I agree, the occasional meet up isn't damaging. I don't have a time frame on it. getting past the 6 week point for me is a huge deal, let alone the 6 month point! One step at a time.

If you have a good feeling Don, I think this might have some hope! I am not going to get ahead of myself. Maybe I am finally catching a break, maybe I am not. Nothing is moving fast though.

it is really nice to be in tune with eachother. And he is the first guy who doesn't snore. Score!

In other news, I saw a condo yesterday and I didn't really like it and it wasn't worth the money. I am discouraged. I spoke to my cousin, and my good friend last night and everyone says I should open up to new towns and new school systems. I hate doing this to my daughter. Having to make all new friends, ect. She has enough disruption in her life. I might find I don't have a choice though. The only way I could probably make this happen is if she falls in love with the house and she can have a dog. I figure closer to work, so I can get her to more activities where she makes friends.

I am lost. It's a really big decision to make single-handedly
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 02:15 PM
G - How is the physical attraction and chemistry?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 02:45 PM
Originally Posted by Joseph9
G - How is the physical attraction and chemistry?


Pretty darn good. I am definitely attracted to him. Not completely my type either, but I really don't have a type. he is tall and thin. Not really muscular, but not scrawny. he is definitely attracted to me. Our physical chemistry is quite strong. Probably the best kisser so far. We really click in the area of kiss and touch. I got to admit it takes a WHOLE lot of willpower to keep it my pants (what can I say, I am a sexual person?) but I am pretty sure if/when it does happen it's going to be fireworks quality.

We are different but similar. He is more type A, I am more type B. But it compliments each other. Our morals are similar. Our conversation is great. We both get off on a great bargain, but neither of us is cheap. HA! He drinks less than I do, which is probably good for me. beer makes me fat.

On paper, we are a great match. But who knows what will happen. My insecure part of me feels like I need to make sure I don't "mess up". But I am really consciously just trying to live with what will be will be.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 02:52 PM
Ok cool.......I asked because as you have been describing him you mentioned he was nice, family man, etc. so I just wanted to make sure you felt something deep in your bones.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 02:59 PM
Oh Yeah, He's got the looks too. Handsome man.

I will admit. With ED guy, I tried to be attracted to him because he was "nice". I was not attracted to him at all, quite honestly. I tried to force it, but I actually became very turned off. Sometimes, it just isn't there. I do believe chemistry and physical attraction are important.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 03:11 PM
ok cool smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 05:22 PM
Venting:

I lost my cool with the whole housing situation today. My landlord's realtor called me, and I do not like her, confirming her awful time for home inspection. I told her to reschedule it as it doesn't work for me. She says nastily "Why are you being so difficult?" I first say, she is not my realtor, we are not in a business transaction and that is none of her business. However, if you really want to know why, it's because I have gotten screwed in this process. I had a rent increase for my new lease and 2 weeks later I find out the house is being sold from under me. She tries to tell me I was month to month and I told her that is incorrect. No one informed me I was on a month to month basis. I have it in text from my neighbor that the letter for the rent increase signifies a new lease for a year. She was silent. I told her that letter trying to force me out is nothing but a scare tactic. I also asked how she would feel if she was a single mom with a child thinking she had a home when she accepted a rent increase? I told her everything has been very tricky and very shady and I will not be dealing with her anymore as she is not my agent. I sent a text to my landlord not to have her call me anymore.

My landlord tried to pretend he was being nice, but he tried some very underhanded tactics, and I am not cooperating anymore. Let the buyer get mad and drop the dal. He can take me to court. He can have both of us in court and waste his money.

This seller backing out on my purchase has seriously screwed up everything. My deal with the money and no waves is gone, I have to deal with someone trying to evict me, and now I have to consider other towns and pull my daughter out of her beloved school system away from her friends.

In other news, Bandguy invited me over again tonight. I'm going. It's like the last chance I have to take these opportunities. Plus, I miss D10 so horribly, I haven't heard from her in 2 days, my house is lonely, and my mind is a jumble. I think it would be good for me. Last night I enjoyed a night out with my friends.

And tonight I take my first crossfit class. Pray for me.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 06:19 PM
How many dates is the for Band dude?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 07:11 PM
Originally Posted by Joseph9
How many dates is the for Band dude?


#5, wow! Really only because my daughter is away on vacation. and he is off because he is a teacher. He'll be going to band camp soon for a week......

I come to realize he has asked me for each date. I didn't have to set anything up like HC did.

Majority of these dates have been at his house because his kids are home. Not conventional, I know. But I like it. Sure, HC was good for going out to nice places, but sometimes, you just want that person who will cuddle on the couch with you and watch a movie.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 07:30 PM
Well 5 dates......hmmm, it might be time to send him off to camp with a smile smile
Posted By: DonH Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/09/18 07:33 PM
So is this 5 dates in less than 2 weeks????? I know there are "reasons" (there always are) but um, just be mindful of going too fast - because this guy will go off to the races with you - he clearly will. Perhaps he already is? For some reason I think it's close to 5 dates in 10 days??????? That seems a bit much - but again consider the source (me) LOL

Have you met his kids? If you are having "dates" at his house I'm thinking you have? Or have they been at their moms?

You are very low maintenance G and that is a compliment. You tend to easily fit with all sorts of guys - regardless of looks, regardless of what they do, what they offer, what they want, etc. But what do YOU REALLY WANT? If you made a list what would be on it? Or could you even make a list? What I'm saying is don't just accept what you can accept. I just don't want the main criteria to be someone who likes you and wants to see you and stroke your LLs. Those things are certainly important but what you want and need is just as important if not more. What do you want from an R or from this guy? And it should not just be that they want to spend time with you and like you - you need to have more than someone who likes you.

I guess what I'm questioning or wondering is, of the last 5 guys you dated, you saw all sorts of good things in all of them and could see yourself in a LTR with all of them - even though they are all vastly, very, different. That again might be a huge compliment to you that you can do that. I just fear it's also a piece of, well he likes me, so therefore I like him.

Enjoy the date. But I'd still say do not have sex with him yet. Wait until he comes back from band camp. Oy does that sound geeky but then again I've been to band camp many years ago so there you go. LOL
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/10/18 12:19 AM
You know, dating different guys has really given me perspective. There are different things that can attract you to different types of people. There really is something to enjoy in everyone. Thank you for the compliment, I really am low maintanence, , or more so, versatile. I can have fun dressing up and going out to fancy dinners. Take me to a hockey game, food or beer festival, an amusement park, apple picking, a hike, bike ride, or the beach, or sit me in your backyard chilling by a fire or on the couch in my sweats watching Netflix.

Given that I like nearly everything, I look for morals, people who I interact well with, who are kind, funny, non-judgemental, who can hold an intelligent debate while being open-minded. Who won't knock down my interests, even if they don't share them. That's what I look for. Someone who enjoys spending time with me.

I could not see a LTR with all of them. I visualized what it might be like, but I couldn't see one with everyone. HC, I couldn't see it unless a lot of things were different. FF, well, I should have looked more clearly at our insurmountable circumstances. I couldn't see anything LT with LD.

I figure I could see a LTR with someone where I wouldn't have to say "well, if things were different, we could have a relationship" I wouldn't have to change the person or the circumstances. I like this one because we legit enjoy eachother. Don't worry, no sex. His kids are home! And I never met them. I go after they go to bed. They sleep like rocks.


IN other news, I did a crossfit class tonight at the new crossfit gym by my house with my BFF and her H that I go to the other gym with. We loved it! We are joining. Maybe I will finally get my fat butt back in shape.

My colleague, the other case manager is an older Jamaican woman. I am walking out of her office today and she says "you have a big rear end!!" Since it is a compliment in Jamaica, I thanked her! But maybe it's time to shrink it just a little.....
Posted By: job Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/10/18 12:02 PM
I am very proud of the way that you handled your landlord's realtor. They should be working with you in respect to times of when people can come into your space that you are renting. Getting uppity w/you is not the way to go.

As for the landlord, I am glad you are on to him and are standing your ground. At least they both know that you are very much aware of what your lease is all about.

Hang in there.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/10/18 01:46 PM
Thanks Job. I told my dad what transpired and he said "I couldn't have handled it better myself" I am a clam, easy going person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt until you play me for a fool. I made her very aware that I am not a fool and she better watch who she is messing with.

After this happened actually, I got a call from the buyers realtor. He must have heard the inspection was cancelled. He was a really nice guy and we had a talk. I told him what happened and that I was going to be very honest with him. Even though my landlord is trying to screw me, I have no intentions of screwing anyone. I know my legal rights and the only people I am watching out for is me and my daughter. I explained the sitch. I said I am not looking to make this hard, but I am certainly not going out of my way to make this easy. If I find a place, great, if not, I am staying until my lease up as I am I am legally entitled. I told him he should inform his client of that because I believe in being truthful. He tried to set a different inspection day, but he ended up calling me back saying his client really wants Saturday because he does want to know if this is going to worth it if the building isn't even structurally sound. The client offered to pay me $100. So, I said fine, but I still stand by what I said. If I find something I will move, if I don't, I'm staying put.

I seriously didn't need this in my life right now. I am praying something comes along. I hate having this hang over my head and be in home limbo.

In other news, I didn't get home until 3:30am! I gave myself an hour extra of sleep. Another good night with Bandguy.

Oh, funny story. I will tell you about the event HC and I were going to go last night. At a "gentlemen's club" by my house, Stormy Daniels was having a show. We saw it on TV and he said he would like to go. So I bought us tickets. I told him after we ended things to go, because I most certainly am not. But they cancelled the show last minute (he wasn't going anyways). I texted him the show was cancelled in case he wanted to go. He said "I said "I am not really into fake boobs and stripper perfume anyways" I told him to be careful about what he said about fake boobs . (Yes, I have implants, I had them done was I was 22 to correct a deformity, paid myself and everything). I thought he knew. He says "fake boobs don't turn me on". I said "oh really, last time I checked they sure do". He didn't know. Foot in mouth. He said he was in shock. and "I would take a closer look, but that ship has said". I told him I don't even know what to say to that. I am officially turned off to that.

All in all, I am happy it Friday and my baby comes home Sunday!!!!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/10/18 01:52 PM
Hi G....ok so how was Band Dude? Is he excited to go to band camp?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/10/18 02:04 PM
Originally Posted by Joseph9
Hi G....ok so how was Band Dude? Is he excited to go to band camp?


Band dude is actually sad. Starting this morning he will be without his kids for 2 weeks. HIs kid's vacation with their mom didn't like up with his band camp. Next week is actually 3 days of pre camp, then he goes away to the real deal.

Hopefully he isn't so excited that he does anything American Pie-esqe.

Otherwise, he is great. Very great. I really like my band geek. He fed me wine and cupcakes and we watched an awful movie we just talked though because it was so bad. Then maybe we made out a little. Maybe.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/10/18 02:08 PM
LOL......well I hear that you can do quite a few things with flutes. I am glad you are taking your time, I sense you are in a much better place.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/11/18 05:59 AM
I don't know where else to turn.

I went to his house. He made me dinner, we watched TV, He probably drank too much. We fooled around. After, while we were holding each other he told me it feels 90% right. But not all right. He said it was him and was messed up. I got really upset, got dressed and left. He was hugging me and holding me and he was trying not to let me go. I just told him I had to go, I couldn't take this. He kept beggiing me to text him when I get home. I told him I wasn't going to and I would fine,, while crying.


He was texting me to make sure I got home ok, and Ifnally answered and we had a text exchange. He is just os messed up right now, blah blah blah. He said he felt like we got along better than him and his ex and it was exciting. I am such a wonderful person and mother. He cares a lot for me. But he can't figure anything out.


I didn't see this coming. I am so hurt. I mean so so hurt. I lost a lot this week. He wasn't something I thought I was going to lose. Not like this. And this way.


It is the story of my life. I am so wonderful, supposedly, but the guy just can't do it. I mess up their heads apparently.

I am dying inside. I can't believe this happened again. What do I do? Become some emotionally unavailable bltch? Because they win. I lose. Every single time. I think it twists the knife more when I am told how I am one of the best things but something is missing. I would rather a guy tell me "this is what I don't like". But they can't tell me what they can change They tell me how much better I am better than the love of their lives, then dump me. HC even texted me today saying he wants to be friends and still hang out But I am not good enough to him for anything else. I left some stuff behind that I don't need. He said he can bring it by to me. I told him none of that stuff is important.

Please don't tell me what I did wrong. I really felt like I was doing things right. May I have hung out with him one too many days this week, I don't think that put the nail in the coffin. I don't know what did.

I can't go through this anymore. I can't trust what is real or isn't real. This too painful.

I lost a potential home, my currrent home is in limbo, I lost a guy I felt might have potential. I gave him a chance. I lost a lot. Anything that made my heart warm is gone in the matter of a week. I can't handle anymore losses. I am going to lose it.

His last words to me were "I wish you and D10 the best. You make a great team from what I learned so far. She is a mini you" What a d@mn fool for getting rid of me.

I made a difference at work today. A patient is leaving after a long stay. I advocated for him and he is doing excellent. His daughter is his caretake who is a single school teacher. She suffers from sever anxiety and depression. At one point she was spinning out of control thinking the worst. She tole me today I was the only one who could help her see the light at the end of the tunnel and was able to talk her down from a scary downward spiral. She hugges me and said she would be forever grateful, the patient hugged and kissed me and was so thank ful.

I make a difference. I am a good person. I can recognize the hurt in others. I try to help it. Ease it.

He is a fool. He made the biggest mistake of his life. But this was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I am now going to be single by choice. I can't do this again. I don't have it in me. I can't hear the same story over and over.

It's my daughter. She will keep me going and I will live for her. I will take my health into my hands again. I will get fit again. I will make personal goals that involve no one but me. I will honor where I am in life. An independent woman who loves hard, is kind, is driven. I will give whatever I have left in me to the areas and people that deserve it. Who appreciate it and don't want t lose it.


I don't know what else to do.


Thanks for listening.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/11/18 10:15 AM
Oh [censored] G....I didn’t see this one coming. What the Fuch.......do you think he is dating someone else? Makes no sense to invite you over, cook, yada yada yada and then do this while laying in bed. Truthfully it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong....you did hang out quite a bit but it seemed very mutual but maybe in doing that you got too attached??? It was just a two week period correct?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/11/18 12:37 PM
There is no one else. I'm 99.9 percent sure of that. We did spend a lot of time together. Great time. It was a great night. But I didn't get too attached. He was the one doing the invites. He was the pursuer the whole time.
I am pretty sure he is still messed up over the end of his marriage.


I really made an effort to do everything right this time. I don't think it was me. that 10% that is missing is in him. Not me. But I am kind of traumatized even more now. Even when you do it right, and the person can tell you things were better than with his ex-wife and I am such an amazing person, it's still not enough.

It's easier to hear maybe you don't have a connection. Or you are too different. Or I chew funny. But no. It kills when someone tells you just about everything is right, but it's not enough.

I am taking this so hard because I don't think I can trust what I feel anymore. I can't even trust what seems to be going great. I didn't see this coming. Not in the least. And let alone to have it hit while you are holding someone naked in bed. I mean come on! I may never be able to not have anxiety while dating or in a relationship. Too many time I have been dropped like this. I'll just wait for it.

He lost a seriously wonderful woman. I know who I am. It took me a long time to figure it out, but I know my worth.

Its storming here and I can't even lay in my bed and cry properly. I have to get out of the house for the home inspection. And go to the DMV which is even worse. Life goes on, I guess. My baby comes home tomorrow. I can't wait to hug her and not let her go.
Posted By: pinn Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/11/18 12:54 PM
Dang G... that is crazy. You can't catch a break. Maybe he is struggling with the end of his marriage. I think we all know how tough that is. Of course, that doesn't make things any easier for you.

Maybe take pause on the dating life for a bit while the other stuff gets sorted out? Then hit the ole reset button? Ugh... hang in there!
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/11/18 02:34 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I make a difference. I am a good person. I can recognize the hurt in others. I try to help it. Ease it.
Sending you the biggest hug I can fit through this screen ((((((G))))))
Posted By: kml Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/11/18 03:03 PM
I don't think you did anything wrong. Don't you think this is more likely about him still being hung up on his ex girlfriend who ghosted him?

As one character on the show Insecure said to the other: " you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a really good frog ".
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/11/18 03:51 PM
Thank you. I really do need all he hugs I can get.

I don't think I did anything wrong. But to hear, and not for the first time, that there is something missing for him that he can't put his finger on really crushes me inside. But maybe that 10% does not come in 2 weeks. Also, for all openness and honesty, I feel so awful because he chose a very intimate vulnerable time to do this. Naked, holding eachother. Telling a woman when you are fully exposed in so many ways what he did in that state has to be about the worst most insensitive time ever. That wasn't the time. You can tell the truth, sure, but not like that. I feel like I just want to cover myself up completely. I never said that to him last night. So I did this morning. NO response of course, but didn't want one. When I jumped out of bed, he just wrapped his arms around me tight and didn't want to let me go. I don't get it.

I don't know if it is the girlfriend or the ex wife that is messing him up. I understand that loss of what you worked hard for and to lose it in a blink of an eye. I feel for his grieving. I really do, and he knows that. I wasn't really "nice" and sweet and understanding after he did what he did, but the way he did it left me super angry.

Want to hear the icing on the cake? I left the house for the home inspection, went to the DMV and got my new plates since I bought out my lease. It was actually a 15 min ordeal. So I went to the bookstore. Bought some books, grabbed a coffee and waiting a while. On my way home, I was turning off the main 2 lane road to where my street was. Sitting there with my blinker on waiting to make my turn. And then "BOOM" a lyft driver rear ended me hard, Damaged my car even more, and I never even got an estimate from the first. I just lost it, crying uncontrollably. The officer is someone I went to high school with. He felt bad and wished me a better week and said he was sorry this all happened.

In a week, I lost my house, I am facing an eviction, I lost a guy I cared about and got seriously rejected, and got in 2 car accidents all in one week. My mental resolve is yet again being tested. I am near a breakdown. I had plans with my friends today to shop eat and get some drinks. I tried to back out, but my friend won't let me. Another friend who is coming also went through a bad breakup last week. These friends are always there for me and we are always there for each other. I am so fortunate for that. We won't let each other fall. We just won't, no matter what. That is rare.

I took 2 Xanax because I have been shaking and crying. I need to just lay in my bed, watch orange is the new black and eat my free cookie.
Posted By: DonH Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/11/18 06:50 PM
I join the others Ginger in giving you huge hugs and saying this is not nearly as much about you as it is about HIM! It just is and that is obvious. I think we can talk more down the road but for now you need to take care of you. Whatever is going on will likely reveal itself - unless you chose not to speak with him anymore. I can't see how this would be about his ex wife since he's been D'd for multiple years already - and had something similiar happen to him. It's more likely related to this previous GF as well as the fact that he may just not be mentally healthy for an R.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Even when you do it right, and the person can tell you things were better than with his ex-wife and I am such an amazing person, it's still not enough.


Just this right here tells me he's not making sense. How on earth could he know that someone is better than an ex-wife he lived with for many years and had kids with after only two weeks? How is that possible? I'm not saying it might not ultimately be true but there is simply no way he could know that at this point. It also speaks to the somewhat likely whirlwind nature of it for him.

You also say this happened while naked - after "fooling around.". Without getting graphic... you also said he had too much to drink. Do you think that effected this? Or were you saying it effected his ability to be intimate with you? Was that what was going on right before? I can tell you that male orgasm can produce a huge hormone shift in some guys - even a few minutes of a depression of sorts can follow. I've had it happen to me in years past - mostly with those I was not in love with. None of this explains what's going on in his head but might explain a bit of his behavior - but not at all excuse it.

I can only imagine how you feel with this happening like this. I don't think it's nearly as much about this specific guy but just the whole thing in general. It's one of my biggest fears. I actually fear it more due to past trauma and depression - I fear that I'll fall into a depression like I did post bomb with my WAW. I'm sure the same type of thing is going on with you - the repeated events happening over and over again. Perhaps it's not only about protecting a new R but also protecting yourself from guys you really have not gotten to know yet. They are starting to show who they really are - not who you thought they are.

I don't want to go any further but brought those up to try to illustrate that this is much more about him than it is about you. It simply is. I know it still hurts like heck but you may well have dodged a bullet with this guy if he went from where he went to where he ended in a matter of an hour??????? He's got something going on. Please take care of you and lean on your friends and those of us here however you need to.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/11/18 10:42 PM
"It's my daughter. She will keep me going and I will live for her. I will take my health into my hands again. I will get fit again. I will make personal goals that involve no one but me. I will honor where I am in life. An independent woman who loves hard, is kind, is driven. I will give whatever I have left in me to the areas and people that deserve it. Who appreciate it and don't want t lose it."

I think this is where you need to be any way, to really be in a position to judge a partner anyway.

I am sorry for all this crazy bad luck!!! Ugh!!!! It is all him and I agree with the others. You are better off discovering it this early. I have the feeling he is gonna try to call you again. I really do.

I do notice Guys fall for women, when they are not completely into them. Regardless of what "league" they are each in. They just dont like it when its easy. I am not saying to play games. Just making an observation.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/12/18 02:26 AM
That stinks G.

I'm confused about one thing. Did he make this 'only 90% right' statement and then explain that he wanted to end things? Or did he make this statement as if to indicate that he was conflicted and confused and then you left because it hurt you so much?
Posted By: Georgiabelle Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/12/18 02:43 AM
I’m sorry, G. Sending you a hug. Hang in there!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/12/18 03:23 AM
Originally Posted by Zues126
That stinks G.

I'm confused about one thing. Did he make this 'only 90% right' statement and then explain that he wanted to end things? Or did he make this statement as if to indicate that he was conflicted and confused and then you left because it hurt you so much?



I am questioning this now, Zues. I ma playing it over in my head. He was direct with saying that but it was definitely implied. I admit, I jumped out of bed. I had to get away. The way he did it, was not something I was able to handle. We were in a very physical and emotional moment and he drops this on me. I think maybe if this conversation came today, not with alcohol involved, not being completely naked holding eachother and post an intimate act, maybe it would have ended and we could have really talked it out reasonably. I don't even think I could be with a guy who do it this way.

He never replied to the last statement of our small exchange today. He did apologize for not answering because he was at an amusement park and he was telling me about how he beat his record for riding this on coaster over and over. I told him about my car accident. He did tell me he was sorry the timing was bad and he blurted it out as soon as it came to his head. And he said he wanted to "take things further" (have sex with me) but couldn't do it because he freaked and came up with this thought.

Something came to my mind today. He was telling me the other night when him and his ex were dating and took a break he was dating this other woman and one night it got hot and heavy and he oculdn'tgo though with it and he ran from the house. I think it was because of his exwife. Maybe this was because of his ex GF. But I guess this wasn't the first time.

I am analyzing everything, but in the end, he did end it. And he said some worrisome things about where he is. I think he is trying to replicate a marriage immediately. He is the one trying to move too fast. It wasn't me. I told him I wasn't 100% there either for it being 2 weeks. That takes time and getting to know eachother. He never responded to that. Oh, and he is active again on POF.

It's simply over. I am fighting the urge to text him and ask questions. It doesn't matter. But I am just trying to make sure I keep telling myself that what was missing wasn't something in me. It's something in him. Even if I was perfect, he isn't there yet. He admitted he is so confused.


I will not beat myself up for reacting the way I did. He hurt me the way he did it. and it was worthy of my reaction.


My friends came over tonight and helped make me feel better. We have had torrential down pours and it is flooding badly. My ex potential house might be flooded. The highway by my house flooded and actually flooded a car dealer ship and the cars were floating away and piling on top of eachother.


What I really hate is if my ability to trust anything is gone. If I will be too scared to do this again.

I dunno. I am so sad. For many different reasons.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/12/18 01:08 PM
Sounds like this is on him G especially if he is active again on the website. It’s just the timing of when he dropped the news and that you guys were hanging out so frequently that has me confused. Unless he got in over his head and didn’t realize it. I hate it when you meet someone online, you start texting off the app to arrange your date but them you still see them active on the app. I know it’s part of the game of dating but it puts a bad taste in my mouth since you know she is chatting it up with multiple dudes.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/12/18 02:41 PM
I think what happened is that you guys moved too fast. At 2 weeks, this type of drama and feelings amd intimacy doesnt make sense.

I think at 2 weeks it should still be coffee and casual miniature golf dates.

I know he is the one that pushed for this, but maybe a lesson? If this happens again, keep yourself detached and keep it light and casual. So that you guys have time to get to know each other and where each of you are at first before investing emotions and feelings.

( i know this doesnt always work...look at my sitch. I was cautious and slow. But still ignored some red flags. But the slowness does keep it less personal/emotional i think)
Posted By: DonH Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/12/18 03:55 PM
From what I can tell, including "inside information" from talking with G, he indeed got in too fast and panicked. I think that was exacerbated by G's fear of the same thing happening again with a guy and poof the combo blew up. I even think it's possible both think the other is pulling away when neither really was. Yes it was very bad timing in his part, fueled I swear by a bio chemical reaction within him he has no control over and fueled by PTSD of sorts from Gingers past. The sad part is this could have been and still could be a great R down the road. They both just rushed YET AGAIN. Sure, this time early intercourse was not part of it but sex and everything else was. So really not much was different. It was a very fast two weeks with at least 6 or 7 dates within that two weeks. I'm sorry but I just don't see that as healthy. Is that just me? Perhaps in part yes but not in full. I'd have to add them up, okay I will... Lol. By my quick count I've seen wild girl 7 times in 10 weeks and she (and I guess I) are still being cautious and slow. Yes sex is involved but see the difference - 7 in 10 weeks versus 7 in 2? An hour of distance I'm sure helps that and full disclosure some "dates" have lasted two days due to the distance. So okay make it 10 in 10 weeks versus what would be 35 in 10 weeks at your pace. It's no wonder both pulled back and he's back online. There is and was no foundation there to rely on.

The difference this time is G wanted to go slow but allowed him to pull her right back to her comfort zone. She thought it was okay and safe because HE wanted it. Clearly not!!!!! Especially coming from online - the land of misfit toys - you have to be cautious with people. Going to a guys house on the first date is not cautious. It's almost as the writing was on the wall from date one. Easier to see in hindsight.

So now the good news. I don't think all is lost here. I think you guys need to talk. You can use this as a growing expierence and have it help form a bond for you. Unless you think he is too broken and not in a good place. See I think he is perfect to DATE as in go out to mini golf as juju says once or twice a week learn who he TRULY is. You can't do that by playing instant R cooking meals and hopping into bed naked. Again I'm clearly not someone to give R advice but I'm pretty good at dating - or at least used to be. Dinner, ball games, drinks, fairs, bond fires, mini golf, etc. and even if HE wants to see you 4 nights out of 5 don't. This junk of taking opportunities when they come is just that - junk when the "opportunities" come 80% of the time. It's more rationalization to excuse the behavior and do what we want rather than what is best. All that said, I don't think this is lost yet / just a bad miss-start. He still seems like a good guy. It's just now both of you who need to tripple it - if you know what i mean. I'd give it a shot at least meeting and talking - with your clothes on. smile. I really think he reacted stupidly and chemically and you over-reacted a bit. Chalk it up, learn from it and for Christ sake SLOW DOWN. smile
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/12/18 09:28 PM
I love mini-golf!

Hope you are doing better G. Wish I could mail you some cookies.

Stay safe and dry please.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/12/18 11:09 PM
G, I hope you're surviving the day. Hang in.

Quote
What I really hate is if my ability to trust anything is gone. If I will be too scared to do this again.


I want to take a moment to think about how banks decide to lend money to people. Every day people apply by the millions for credit, be it a credit card, auto loan, home loan, or something else along those lines. How does the bank decide whether to trust someone or not?

Well, certainly not by how they feel around the applicant. I used to work in subprime auto finance, dealing with people who had not just bad credit but in many cases extremely bad. Multiple repossessions, bankruptcies, etc. Now I have a big heart. I want to help people. I want to believe the best in them. But there are a lot of bad people that play on those feelings and try to fish for a white knight who wants to help and take them for everything. Sometimes it's deliberate. Other times they believe their own stories. But they all are really good at being in need of a rescuer and being a victim. The other part of that dynamic is the rescuer who needs to play the role of being important, needed, and good. Victims make the rescuer feel good. And they are all humans who are good people in their own ways. Maybe they tell funny jokes. Maybe they dress sharp. Maybe they are charismatic.

But the banks don't care about any of this because they've seen it all. They aren't in this because they want to feel important, or because they are needy. The banks are in it to make money. Show business not show friends.

Thus credit reports are used. The record of who this person has paid, who they haven't paid, if they paid on time, etc. When a person starts out they have NO CREDIT. They start by borrowing a tiny amount from easy to qualify for accounts, such as high rate or secured credit cards. Then BASED ON THEIR PERFORMANCE they can develop a good credit score. Then maybe they get another card with a bigger limit and a lower APR. Maybe a car loan one day. Then when they apply for a home loan the mortgage company says "Hmm, 753 FICO, 6 years on the bureau, 4 trade lines with a max limit of $22,000, paid perfect over 3 years, credit looks good". Of course credit is just one of the requirements indicating 'willingness' to repay. The applicant also has to have the 'ability' to repay, thus income verification, debt to income ratios, and job stability can play a role.

Soooo, when it comes to how to trust people, I believe you have to do things the same way. When you first meet someone, you don't know anything about them. I'm not saying you should distrust them, I'm just saying you shouldn't trust them enough to lend them money for a house or a car.

Each interaction with them you learn a little bit more. You get better insight into their values, their life priorities, how they handle emotional adversity, loss, disappointment, conflict. You learn how they communicate. You learn all kinds of things about them. But only little by little. The first interaction is like them making ONE good payment on their credit card. That's great! That's the best they can do so far! Perfect 100% batting average! But it's only one payment, so they are only 1/1. Way too soon to give them credit for a house or even a car.

Little by little you can increase their credit limit with you, as long as they keep performing well. In six months or a year you'll have much more information. At some point you can say, 'wow, this person is really someone that I can trust to keep their sanity even through life's most difficult times such as mid life crisis, deaths in the family, financial difficulties, temptation, I think I can put my life in their hands'.

When you're first starting out though you don't have any reason to trust them. It would be great if they were from a circle you knew, like a church, family friend, friend of a good friend that has known them for years. That would allow you to give them credit based on their performance for others you knew prior to you meeting. But unfortunately in this day and age we have decided we don't need this type of community and feel we can do it all ourselves by outsourcing it to the internet. Great. We can certainly do that. But you have to be more on guard.

Now, I'm going to talk about me for a minute. I DIDN'T do this with either serious relationship I was in (my first gf and my XW). I met them, became infatuated, and quickly (within weeks or a month or two) gave them credit for being perfect. I felt it made me a good guy to be trusting and open. I thought if I gave them trust they would want to live up to it because people are good and love conquers all.

I was really disappointed.

Turns out my first gf had serious problems, had a hidden life that she kept from me and was a serial liar. She cheated on me, broke up with me, then much later wanted to get back together so tried to sabotage my marriage with XW by falsifying evidence that XW was cheating, then when that failed went totally crazy to the point I had to warn my kid's teachers and school bus drivers about her to protect them ("she is NOT a relative" with a picture...). Finally she killed herself. And through my tears I have to admit there was a lot of relief that me and my family were safe from her.

You know or can look up the story of my XW.

Point is, trusting so quickly didn't work out well for me. Giving too much too soon was a bad choice. It came from neediness on my part, my need for them to be the person I longed for them to be. It came from my distaste for dating and screening people and breaking up and all of that stuff. I just want to meet one person that just wants to meet me and keep it simple. But that was my choice too. And if I make the choice to extend credit to someone that hasn't earned it, I feel very responsible for whatever happens.

As you know I'm not sure I'll be dating again. It's not that I don't think there would be any women that might be trustworthy to my standards, but I don't think many would be. That is because I believe our cultural norms subscribe to beliefs that lead to destructive behavior, so most people have been indoctrinated with values that I would not put my trust in. So I'd end up having to screen too many people looking for someone that was technically insane (not conforming to the standards of our society). And that could lead to it's own problems. Maybe another culture that had different values could be possible. But then there are cultural issues, potential language barriers, lack of common experiences, geographical challenges. All of this sounds too exhausting to me for something that doesn't look likely to work out, a ton of effort and emotional energy to go down a road that will probably end in devastation and betrayal.

I don't think I'm jaded, just practical and realistic. To continue the analogy, I'm like a life insurance carrier that decided no longer to insure rock climbers or motorcyclists because the payouts exceeded the premiums. Just business.

Not much of a pep talk as always, but I wanted to admit that I've made this mistake in the past. It's understandable. I really just wanted to share my views on how trust should be earned and given. The banks do a good job making money despite the number of people that don't repay because they protect themselves and take calculated chances. But when you move quickly you give credit much too soon and expose yourself and your heart and possibly your child to someone that, in today's society, has a greater chance than ever than being crazy or addicted somehow, and with less foundation.

You don't have to play it this way, but kick it around a bit and maybe next time you meet someone and find yourself wanting to extend credit to them somehow, maybe you'll remember ol' Zues and ask yourself what credit score they've established with you and if they're qualified.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/13/18 12:27 PM
Wow, I have been reading everything, taking it in, plus spending some quality time with my girl.

Everyone of you make unique and good points, and I also really appreciate the hugs. It's been rough. This whole band dude thing plus everything else going on could make someone lose their sh!t.

Don gave me a new perspective. Maybe it's not over? I truly hated the way it ended. I hated how we both dealt with it. I had a strong reaction given my very vulnerable circumstance and my past trauma. He used just about the worst timing to blurt out a feeling he had gotten in that moment. After spending a day with my D and she went to bed, I reached out to him. I told him I hated the way it ended and that it even ended. He responded immediately. He said "me too". I apologized for overreacting, but the timing really threw me off. He said it was totally understandable. He asked me if D10 game home, what we did that day, ect. I told him "I'll never be your exW, I will never be that GF who got away, I will always be me but I do miss you. You don't have to say anything, I just had to say that" (go ahead, 2x4 me). He replied with "I miss you too". We said goodnight to eachtoher and that was it.

I don't know what this means, where we stand or how I even really need to deal with this. He would have to make the next move. But really, I can't say I could get past what he said and how he said it. I am afraid it will always stick in my head and I would wait for it to come again. I can't begin to explain how painful it all was. The ball is in his court and I will maybe figure where to go from here, if there really even is anywhere to go.

Zues, you analogies are just about the most realtable analogies ever. You should have been a teacher. I am going to keep practicing going at this just as you prescribed. Sometimes credit looks good on paper, but there are so many other factors and before you take that risk on a loan, you better truly assess that risk.

IN other news I sat down D10 and talked to her about possibly moving out of town and she freaked out. Completely freaked. I calmed her down when we looked at some of the houses and promised her a dog. She started feelings better about it, then she swings to "I refuse to move, I am not leaving my school!!!!" We went to target, spent a butt load of money on school supplies and clothes. I found myself not really saying no to anything because I felt so bad. I also bought myself a thing or two, because when I am down and out, unfortunately shopping makes me feel better.

This is so hard. So hard to handle without support of another partner. What I am going though right now with everything is just awful. I am done with all these insane situations. I just want some godam stability. It's all I have been striving for all these years.

I've really appreciated all your support. I don't want to struggle anymore. I just want some peace and stability.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/13/18 12:49 PM
First and foremost, (((((((((((((((((((((((((G)))))))))))))))))))))))))))).

Now that is out of the way, I'm so sorry for all of the crap that has been flung at you. Life just royally [censored] sometimes and it seems like you continue to get the short end of the stick. I am not going to go back and rehash things that have already been said, since I'm late to the game but would like to offer a few comments based on your most recent post.

I have read all the posts you made and those who responded to you and I agree with Don. I'm glad you reached out to him and I think your next step is to actually have a face to face conversation. You say that you don't know if you can ever get past what he said and I get that, but at the same time, if you want to have an honest, open chat and try to move forward, you have to figure out how to NOT go into it with that thought in your head. I could well be wrong and maybe I'm mind reading here, but if you say that, it is almost like you are dooming the chances of recovering what could be a nice relationship from the get go. It's kind of like saying well I'm going to diet, but I refuse to lose weight. You know what I mean? Maybe you should spend some time to really think about if you even want to try to patch things up and if you do, then reach out, talk, try to put what he said aside. I know, it is easy for me to say that because I'm not in the moment. I'm so sorry that it worked out the way it did, but I do believe, IF you really want to fix it, it can be fixed. He seems reasonable, based on your descriptions.

Now, the house thing is just screwed up all the way around and I feel so bad for you. BUT, while I applaud you for sitting D10 down and talking to her about it, G, YOU are the parent. I totally understand and respect that you are taking her feelings into account, but you are an adult and she is a child and you know that sometimes you have to do things that you don't necessarily want to do. I realize that you do not want to move her any more than she wants to be moved. She doesn't get this now, but someday she will. When she's older she will understand that adults sometimes have to make tough decisions that do not have the best foreseeable outcome, but you are doing what you have to do to provide the best life for her. Of course moving schools would be hard for both of you, but better to do it now while she's still young than to have to do it in a few years when she's earning credits for graduation and looking at her future and selection of classes is more of an issue, if that makes any sense at all.

My heart really goes out to you, G, for all of the negativity that has surrounded you lately. I'm keeping you in positive thoughts and prayers and praying for a ray of sunshine to pop through that big old cloud covering you SOON.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/13/18 01:38 PM
Thank you dawn. I am so stressed out right now and feel kind of hopeless. Nothing is quite going right, and I don't even know where to begin. Obviously my priority is my housing situation. I did explain to D10 that as her Mother, I have to make the decision that is necessary and the best for both of us, even if it doesn't feel like it or she is not happy with it. I explained every decision I make has her best interest in mind. She gets it, but I know it's hard for her.

As for Band dude. I am glad I reached out. However, I am pretty sure he is online looking for the next one. I don't know if he will want to see me or talk it out. But if he wants to, he has to come to me. I really wish he would have shut his mouth in that moment. I wish I could turn back time on everything. If he would really get his head straight, I believe we could have something great. But his head is not straight right now. Who knows what the future brings, but I guess if it's meant to be, it will happen. Old Ginger would find a way to make it happen or force it to happen. But I don't want to.

I have IC tonight. I need it. Badly. I keep feeling like I circling back around to square one.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/13/18 02:00 PM
Hey g......IMO band dude knows if he is over his x or not and if he was self aware he would have not got in over his head and did what he did. That’s how people get hurt.....I spent 6 hours chatting with a lady yesterday. She has been divorced for 7 years and when I told her when mine was final her initial response was wow. She wants a R and is not in it for the dating......before I continue to engage with her I have to assess myself and determine if that is what I want and if I don’t I need to stop and not go any further.

My 10 cents
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/13/18 05:05 PM
I miss him. I hate this. I miss him, I know he is online chatting up other women, and I haven't heard from him, and I probably won't. Part of my hopes he realizes what a mistake he made, but I know he won't. He is not too self aware. He is trying to replace his marriage and his last R.

I don't know how in a blink of an eye it went from everything being great to going to immediate sh!t. It really stinks.

And it isn't even the worst of my problems.

But I sure do miss him and there is nothing I can do about it.
Posted By: kml Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/13/18 05:17 PM
This is why - not to sound like a broken record - you need to take time to get to know a guy before letting your emotions get involved.
Posted By: Fogg Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/13/18 05:26 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He is not too self aware. He is trying to replace his marriage and his last R.

I don't know how in a blink of an eye it went from everything being great to going to immediate sh!t. It really stinks.


G, read back what you wrote. Did it go from being great to immediate sh!t? He didn't change at that moment, hes still not self aware, hes still trying to replace his marriage and last R. From the beginning I thought he was trying to rush into things with you. You mentioned it wasn't getting too serious or emotional too fast, but to me the holding and sleeping together would have been MORE emotions than just sex. I might be emotionally avoid-ant now but from my past, just like Zeus mentioned, jumping to fast into a R has only caused me problems so its something I'm super guarded against happening again. I don't know if this guy can lead to anything or if hes really in a healthy place for a R, that your call to make as you know it better. Just take some time and really consider if its just the idea of being in a R that appeals to you and you might be overlooking his issues to get there. Hugs regardless
Posted By: DonH Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/13/18 06:31 PM
Originally Posted by Fogg
Just take some time and really consider if its just the idea of being in a R that appeals to you and you might be overlooking his issues to get there.


Yes - Yes - Yes. This is great advice!!!!!!

I want to try to take a 30,000 foot view of this from above. Let's focus on the fact that this was all in TWO WEEKS - TWO LITTLE WEEKS. If someone were to read this and not know the time frame they would swear it was at least six months. I don't want to get too raw here but is this two people coming together that both are trying to get something way too soon? We all keep saying it - like a broken record (KML) yet the all in fast insta-relationship speed keeps happening.

Then there is the whole thing of what happened Friday night (still trying to stay at 30,000 feet). I swear this is a Men are from Mars Women Are From Venus thing. I don't know the context or tone of what he said but it nearly sounds to me like a glass half empty thing. Maybe I'm not self-aware either (given what happened to me Friday night as well - read my thread) but to me it nearly sounds like he was saying he's 90% sure of you at only two weeks. Ya know, if someone said that to me, I'd run out of the room as well - but for a totally different reason. I'd be freaked that someone could feel 90% sure about me and our future after only two weeks!!!!!! What did you want him to say Ginger, that he was 100% certain? Would that not be a HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag? Should it not be?

I hate to say it but am going to admit I could be Band Guy (and not only because I am a band guy) but I could see myself doing the same thing in the moment, not at all meaning it the way it came out in the moment. Perhaps that's what I did in my sitch and I still don't know it??? Now I'm not saying I'd say I was 90% sure - I'm saying I could say something stupid without thinking and not even know it.

Back on the ground, we can't get in his head but I often try to put myself in the other guys shoes. I really wonder if he's out perusing other women, it's not because he was "only" at 90% with you, it's the over-the-top reaction from you. Is he thinking he can't deal with that stuff? Is he thinking you rejected him? That's what I'm thinking in my sitch. It's not the issue, it's the reaction. But again, the reaction came because things moved way, way, way too fast too soon with you two.

I agree with Dawn and a few others that a face to face meeting is needed - that doesn't end up in bed if it goes well. If you two really want a solid future R you both have to get out of fantasy land and work at it. It takes a lot of time. Perhaps he's not the guy for you - but mostly because the two of you are moving too fast and it's a bad combination. As for him back online, I think that's just a way to feel better. He's looking to find SOMEONE - ANYONE - to feel better. Then again, is that what he's doing with you? It's almost like there are two problems here - one is going to fast and the blow up. That can be resolved if you want it to be. The second, is what then happens with any budding R - you have to take the time to get to know each other. In doing that you might find out that he's not the guy for you. But is that not the whole point of dating? You want to know if he's the "one" within 30 days. Newsflash - you can NEVER know if someone is the one within 30 days. I think you want to know he is the one, be certain of that, but then somehow still go slow. The two don't match.

Quickly, on your D and moving. I know D is in some ways all you have at this moment for close family but she is 10. She is your daughter, not your best friend. Buying her things, promising her a dog, etc. Not good and you know this. She will not be the first child that has to change schools this year. In fact she might be 1,785,498 to change schools this year. She will live. It will make her stronger. It's better done now than in high school. You have to make the best decision for you and for her - with your head - not with your heart for her. You are the mother, not her best friend. It will all be okay - and promising her a dog???????? LOL I hope you can back that one up. Get a dog if it's a good decision - not as a peace offering.

You are getting hit with a lot Ginger. Don't let it break you - which I know it won't. We are all here for you. Take some huge deep breaths, and take a step back. Band Guy is no different than Hatchet Man or Hot Chocolate or even Firefighter. You'll know it's the right guy when it comes naturally, slow and steady after many, many months.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/13/18 07:21 PM
I miss having a companion, yes. It felt great to talk to someone about my day to, to hang out with, to talk about life with. To ask how my day was and to wish me a great one. Again, that felt really good. And I liked him. He listens, he doesn't judge, he engages, he validates, he's funny, and geeky cute.

The 90% thing was him telling me there was something WRONG. He said it. something doesn't feel completely right. And in my head, yeah, my red flag is, 90% should be freakin' great at 2 weeks. How can you seriously ask for more than a woman you say is amazing, you are excited to be around, looked forward to seeing..... I mean, how much more could I possibly be at 2 weeks?! That's more than I could ask for in a guy for two weeks. SO that is on him and his issues. He wants love at first sight. I don't believe in it.

I am not capable of not becoming emotionally attached. I can't do it. If I like someone, I like them. HC, I wasn't emotionally attached to. I just didn't like the way I was being treated. It felt bad. But when I really do like someone and we connect, a part of me attaches. I can't change that. Whether I laid in bed with him or not. But to tell me at that time, is scarring. None if it really matters anyways, I think it is over and won't get that face to face meeting, and I am certainly not setting up.

As far as my daughter.... she's dealt with a a lot. A home and school switch is a big deal because it's not like she gets to move with Mommy and Daddy. I don't think there is anything wrong with promising her a dog. She did say to me "Mom, since it's only the two of us, and there are no boys in our house, we need a boy dog". She will adapt to whatever I need to do, but she does need ot feel like she has a little input on such a huge life change. Which is way more difficult for a kind in her sitch. but yes, ultimately, I make the final decision, and she knows it.

I am just beat down. Emotionally exhausted and I can barely function. I need some divine intervention. Or wine, and lots of it.

I guess I still move too fast. I can't get it right. I can figure out many things, but this one. I would give anything to have married a decent guy and not deal with this crap.
Posted By: DonH Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/13/18 09:34 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I guess I still move too fast. I can't get it right. I can figure out many things, but this one. I would give anything to have married a decent guy and not deal with this crap.


Now, this... ^^^^^^^^ I agree with 100%. I am right there with you. It's what has made me who I am, as avoidant as I am and until recently not really into dating or anyone. I have said to myself that if I am somehow ever lucky enough to find a high quality partner again that I will really value it based on what I've gone through the past dozen years (or more).

We and certainly I, do not want to beat you down more. That's not what this is about. In fact, the bigger picture can wait, it's band guy I'm more focused on as something in my gut tells me he is a good guy - perhaps with issues and baggage but EVERYONE seems to have issues and baggage at this age, so that is almost part of any picture at this point. IF and I do mean IF, he was saying to you "I don't feel 100% right now and I think I need to at two weeks so we need to end this" If that's what he really was saying, I agree, you probably just need to let it go. I just for the life of me don't think he was doing or saying that. I think he was just thinking out loud and blurted out his thought. Said another way it could be "I feel 90% there with this girl, I hope the other 10% comes in time." If that's true and I'm correct, I don't see it as him saying you are not enough. I think that hearing anything close to "you are not enough" was a huge hot button for you and it set you off. I don't think you heard anything he had to say after that - and perhaps are just protecting yourself now and not wanting to hear it. He tried to make it right, he begged you not to leave and even tried to hold you - yet...

If you are done because of what he said in the moment, I think you are making a poor decision, but it's totally your's to make. If you are done because you think he wants too much and really was saying you are not enough in two weeks, that's another story. I just know if it were me, I'd at least sit down with him and ask "What in the heck went on Friday night? Let's talk about this." He said he misses you, he said he's sorry for what happened. I think he's said he didn't mean it the way it came out. What else do you want him to do? You have not said much about what communication has happened in the last 24-hours. It would be really sad if both of you are waiting for the other to make a move. I'm not big on "closure" - I'm just not. But in this case, I'd be needing closure.

That's what I think. See what everyone else including your IC has to say.
Posted By: kml Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/14/18 12:41 AM
I'd disagree Don. She called, broke the ice, left the door open. If he's really interested he'll take the next step. If he doesn't it's a sure sign she should move on.

Again, I must repeat - Ginger, you keep focusing on how HE missed out on a great woman. When you SHOULD be focusing on the fact that HE isn't good enough for YOU.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/14/18 12:07 PM
Don, he did not try to stop me from leaving. He may have been holding me, but it was because he knew he hurt me. he was telling me he couldn't do this because I wasn't enough. he wasn't saying what you thought he was saying. I wish he was saying that, and I wish he sat down with me the next day and said that, because we all know I am an almost too patient woman with men's hesitations and issues. I told him I didn't expect him to be there in 2 weeks. He gave up because it wasn't there in 2 weeks. I really wish it was the scencario you had hoped it was. It isn't. I would give anything for that to be the scenario.

KML is right. I did break the ice, I apologized, I told him I wish it never ended and I told him I missed him. Our last words were Sunday night, I told him I missed him, he said he missed me, we said goodnight and wished eachother a good week.

And that was that. Nothing since. He was very active on POF and I am pretty sure he has moved on to the next (don't worry, I have deleted the whole app, so I don't check. I am not interested right now anyways) I read the text exchange we had the night it happened and yes, he was ending it. Because of that 10%.

I have nothing left to say to him. It's on him, it's clear he's moved on and he is not coming back. Do I wish he would? Yeah, I do. I wish he would apologize and tell me he made a mistake and wants to see where this can go.

KML, you are so right. That 10% is on HIM. He is missing out on a woman who cares, doesn't play games, who is a good mother, who is funny and smart. He dumped the total package. Idiot. And he isn't good enough for me. Someone who passes up what he says is so wonderful because he is still waiting for an instawife or the women who rejected him, well, I don't need a guy like.

One foot in front of the other. I am back to square one in many areas of my life, but, what other choice do I have?
Posted By: JujuB Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/14/18 12:17 PM
Ginger,

Why do you miss him? Why do you wish he would come back?

What did you really know about him at this point to warrant those types of emotions? Those are strong feelings to have for someone you dont really know.

I can understand feeling a little bad cause maybe you feel rejected. But that should be it. Amd not even, cause rejection isnt necessarily about you.

And i dont mean to crticize you or belittle your feelings. Because i know you feel things very deeply. You are a passionate person. But i think you need to wait to invest those feelings in soneone that prooves they are worthy (its what every one here is saying).

Date for fun like V. Says and see how it evolves before going all in emotion wise.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/14/18 12:24 PM
G....I have a girl friend of mine that has been dating and single for years. She met a guy about a month ago, they have already taken a trip together, and have exchanged I love you’s. We chatted last night about it and I thought of you. She is 44, not getting any younger, tired of the game, and wants to find love. It is essentially the same thing for the girl I am currently talking to. I am just sharing because I don’t think you are alone and at the end of the day we all just want to be and find love. We want to find connections, be in relationships, and be with someone we enjoy. I never would have expected my friend to be this way as she is very independent and we talked about holding back, being objective, etc. She said she is tired of the games and is just going to go with her feelings and if she gets hurt she gets hurt.

Just thought I would share.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/14/18 12:28 PM
I find myself totally agreeing with Juju here. Why would you even want him to come back? I guess I'm contradicting myself here, but I was kind of assuming from your posts that Don's explanation was what he meant, but now that you have explained that wasn't what he was getting at, I say good riddance to bad rubbish. I think it was kml who said you need to flip the script (paraphrasing, of course) and stop thinking about what he's missing out on and realize that HE is not good enough for YOU. You deserve better....WAY better.

I really don't understand people. And, I'm sorry you are having this experience on top of everything else going on. Hang in there, lady. Oh and I agree with J9, too.....you are SO not alone in being tired of games and all the other stuff and just wanting to find something real and true. You'll get there.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/14/18 02:57 PM
Things felt like they were going so well up until this. I wish he would come back more level headed, but that's a wish and not a reality. I wish Don's explanation was true. But nope, he still has unresolved issues. So I know it is over and done. I guess I am still kind of trying to deal with the going from feeling good about this one moment to being dropped on my head the next. The emotional ups and downs lately have been screwing with me.

I do not want to date for fun. It's not fun for me. I don't want to have meaningless connections anymore.

I was barely married and have lived majority of my adult like unattached and alone. I never truly experienced partner.

I want what J9's friend said. I am done with games, I know what I want, I am sick of all these issues which prevent these men from being open to a possible R. I am so done with the BS and I am ready to do this.

Oh, did I say? when D10 came home, ex and OWW came in because they had to use the bathroom. D10 and OWW were wearing matching T shirts. Woman has had some balls. Come into my house like that. Ugh.

I am super cranky. My patients are all a train wreck. I just ate half a cookie because I am starving. My diet is crap. Nothing new on the market.

Wah wah wah wah.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/14/18 03:17 PM
G....knowing what you want I guess you just need to be prepared for hurt and it will happen if you put your heart into it. I would also advise to take it slow and really work the veting process. No matter how much you can self validate I don’t think you can prevent the pain of a break up/loss.
Posted By: job Re: Am I coming or going? - 08/14/18 09:45 PM
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