Hello everyone,
I know it has been a while since I logged in it but I just wanted to give newcomers hope that there is a light at the tunnel. The outcome wasn't what i wanted, however I saved myself.
As for XH he is onto woman number 4 (separated a bit more than 3 years and divorced for 10 months now).only 2 months grace for my kids between each woman. I feel so sorry for them, but there is nothing I can do about it.
For me the beginning of the year was thought as I lost my dad and I felt it was another blow. I am still grieving but I am no longer angry at life for putting me through a lot for the last 3 years. All this succession of events have just shown me how resilient, strong and how proud I am of myself.
On the romantic side I went on a couple of dates but very early on (never went on a second date
) realised that online dating wasn't for me. So at the moment I am focusing on doing my house up as it has been two years today that i moved in, making some changes with my diet and basically being me and doing what I want.
There is life after a marriage breakdown. I remember when I first joined and people were saying it but I could hardly believe it but it is true.Keep faith everyone.
Much love to you all,
Rouky
Rouky!!
So glad you posted an update..
I am really sorry about your dad.
I am however glad that you are in a better place.
BIG HUGS
J.
I am so sorry to read about your father.
I am very happy that you came back to post an update and you sound like you are in a better place.
Hello everyone I am looking for advice. My kids have been staying at woman number 4. Now my XH is on woman number 4 in the space of 3 years and 2 months since we have separated. XH has only been dating this lady for a little less than two months. This lady has a cat and my youngest is allergic to cats and it triggers asthma attack for her. I would like to write to my HX asking him to stop introducing our children to his partners so early in the relationship as I don't feel that after two months you really know a person. And I would also like for him to be aware of the dangers of our kid having an asthma attack as he has never dealt with one before. I don't want to come across as jealous but I am worried of the impact of all these women passing and going in my kids life. What kind of message does it show to my girls that as women they can de disposed of as when it pleases a man. Am I too old fashion as I feel that he should at least wait 6 months so he is sure? The girls told me that he is living with her!
All I can see is a recurrent pattern for XH he meets someone quickly (2 months between each woman), moves in very quickly, then a month after our children are introduced. This is how it happens with me. I can see XH falls in love very easily but I am concerned about my kids.
My major concern is not him having a new GF is that he has a tendency not to take our children seriously when they aren't well and I have been to hospital several times to have her asthma attack treated. I just want him to realise that he is potentially putting our daughter's life at risk. I also know that if I text him he will think I'm jealous and I will be told that it's not my business.
What kind of advice could you give me? I'm already doing the 24 hours wait as if it had been the old me I would have texted him straight away.
Here is my take on the situation: if you were to mention to him that he is introducing the children to his new partners too quickly into the relationship, he will see it as being nosy and you trying to control what he does. In today's society, it appears that many of these people go through relationships like water and some are just a friends or friends w/benefits. These guys may not even realize what a real relationship is or even what love is, but I can see where he would get really bent out of shape if you were to suggest how he handles his relationships and getting his children involved. Trust me, if you were to point this out, he would get angry and not listen to a word you have said.
I know you are looking out for the best interests of your children, but you need to pick your battles, i.e., your child's asthma. I would send him a note and ask him if he's aware that your child's asthma can flare up if she is around cats and then you have to take her to the hospital for treatment. Ask him if it's possible to keep the cat in another room or elsewhere in the home while your daughter is visiting. Or, you could ask him if he has any suggestions on how best to deal with her health condition while visiting w/him.
For now, keep the focus on your child's health and what needs to be done to reduce the number of her asthma attacks.
Rouky
Thank you for your update. If you tell x not to take kids to a NW, he is more likely to do more.
I like Jobs post, and would add that history shows they wont be together for very long.
So concentrating on health is very relevant.
V
I say talk to an attorney about your legal options, and get a letter from your child's doctor saying she cannot be around cats.
Thank you very much everyone for your advice. Things have slightly changed and I had to step in. Got asked by someone today if my ex was married as his NGF has been posting photos of our children in her social media page.
She has only been with him for two months, and I don't know who has access to her profile so I asked him to avoid a third party (that aren't their uncles/aunties) to post pictures of our kids. By the way I don't do it myself as I work with kids and I know the risks of grooming. Funny enough he agreed but now I guess he is going to block all of our mutual friends. That is so funny.
KML I won't go to see a solicitor as he will see it as me being jealous which isn't the case. He will have to learn from his mistakes. I will only step in if I feel my kids are in any kind of danger. He has already lost his eldest daughter and if he carries on he will do the same with ours. My youngest (she is not 10 yet)came home saying that she doesn't want to see her dad as I quote: it's one GF after another and when she is with us he only cares and spends time with her not us.
It will sound harsh but I will let him hang himself with his own rope. He needs to learn from his mistakes. So far he hasn't.
He doesn't have to know you've seen an attorney. An attorney will just let you know if you have any legal recourse to change this or not.
I think i'm just going to vent and see if i'm overreacting. XH has moved in with new GF (well when he hasn't got the girls he stays at hers and when he has them she stays with him). Kids have confirmed that they have only been dating for 2 months, now my kids don't have any time on their own with their dad. NGF has been putting pictures of my children on her FB page.
Now am I being irrational but is it normal behaviour to be spending all your time with your BF kids (when you just started dating) ?Is it normal behaviour for a man to introduce his kids to a woman that he just started to see? Is it normal behaviour to put on your FB page pictures of your new partner's kids when it is early days?
I am asking this as i'm wondering if i am the only old fashion person to think this is too soon for the kids to be exposed to such a full on relationship. It is honeymoon period bu what is going to happen in a year's time?
Also my youngest ask me that question: can too much sex makes you ill? I asked her why she said daddy's NGF is ill. Also she told me that she can sleep at night because her dad's making too much noise with NGF! What can I say to that?
I'm not jealous because now he isn't good catch but why would he play happy family with another woman so soon after number 3? I know that he has to rebuild his life and that eventually he might find a life partner but really after 2 months!!!!
My youngest told me that she doesn't like it when they don't spend their weekend with only their dad. My eldest doesn't give a monkey because as long as she can use her computer/ tablet she is happy.
The funny thing is that early on he wanted to introduce me his daughter and i have always said no. Also when we got together he did ask me to move as soon as I was back in the UK. We had a long distance relationship for 5 months as i was working in my home country when i met him. And then he does the same things with all his GF! IS he learning from it? Cleary not
Any input would be greatly appreciated. No point taking to him because he becomes aggressive and won't listen to me. I am worried for my kids.
Hi rouky
I would not expect anything different from your ex. His history shows this. I do not think you are over reacting. It would annoy me as well. I am not sure what you can really do though if nothing was established in a divorce decree.
Personally, i dont like posting pics of my son on facebook. If you feel similar, i think it is ok to request that from ex and his new girlfriend. Maybe in writing and express the reason why.
I know your ex would not listen to you. But what about a neutral counselor?
Feeling a bit down at the moment and I don't know if it's my heart or my ego (or shall I say pride) that is hurt. EX is now using the term us when he talks about him and his GF. What really hurt the most was that he changed his FB pictures to put a picture of him and her. I know i shouldn't look at his FB page. I'm sad as during our 11 years of marriage there has never been a picture of us as a married couple. Also he never put pictures of his others GF. This one has only been in his life 2 months and he is making a big statement to the world.
While I'm writing this I a ralsing that I'm talking from jealousy/ Pride point of view. How come this man who cheating on me for 2 years, then cheated on the woman he cheated me with be happy? How come he gets all these dates and I'm still single. I tried dating websites and it's not for me at ALL!
I'm a good person, kind, caring, with a weird sense of humour, helpful, not manipulative, deceitful, however I am still single (i do go out). Why life is so unfair? Why does he deserve to be happy? How come he can look at himself in the mirror and not feel any guilt? I feel guilty for kicking him out as it meant that was the end of my marriage!
i know that he isn't stable. This year was the first time in 3 years that he didn't turn up to a major sport event for our daughters. Also this week my kids are with him as it is supposed to be his holidays week with them, then I found out that he is working (whereas for the last two years he has always taken this week off. I guess now he has to share his 4 weeks holidays between his kids and his GF!!
Gosh I am so bitter. I don't deserve this. NOr do my kids!
Rouky,
He's in love with being in love He doesn't know what true, deep love is. For all we know, he could be doing the "love bombing" exercise w/the new one. She not special either, she just happened along and made his ego feel so much better than the last one. Those who have issues, usually will bounce around and until they come to realize that in order to love themselves, they need to look within for that happiness. He'll being happy until the shine wears off this relationship and he'll be looking once again.
No, you don't sound bitter, you sound very, very hurt. No, you and the kids didn't deserve this...but you need to look at this another way...be thankful he's not living under your roof while acting out. Trust me when I say this, it would have been an eggshell event each and every day and it would have gotten to you and your children more than you realize. It is best he is out on the street. He needs to grow up and learn responsibility and be accountable for his actions.
He will only be happy until a new "toy" comes along.
I can't believe that after more than 3 years I'm still resentful. Ex GF put pictures of my kids on her FB profile when I explicitly asked ex not to. I don't put photos of them on FB as I feel they are too young to be already exposed to it. Told ex about it. He ignored me and now his GF blocked me.
I know I shouldn't have looked at it but I never put pictures of my step daughter put of respect for her mum and I fed she was too young too to be exposed to it. I would hope that I would get the same treatment but I guess not.
I'm looking for advice as I have to admit I don't know how to let go. I'm bitter that he has moved on and not tried to save the marriage. On the other hand would I want to be married to someone like that no. I don't understand why when people hurt other people intentionally move on with their life and are happy. I can't let go of the unfairness and I can't bring myself to go dating as I don't want to be hurt again.
I'm poisoning myself and it is a constant battle between me and my brain. I can't seem to switch off. I have been doing so well so why now.
Oh I know. I'm jealous of her. She is now living the life that we should have had with our kids. I see no consequences for my ex for what he did. I feel worthless and not even a good mother as I do not do as much as they do with the girls. I hate the fact that my kids love their dad when I have always been looking after them. Now he is behaving how I knew he was capable of but not with me. So I guess I brought the worst in him like he did with me.
I'm jealous because this woman is going to marry him and she is going to leave what should have been my life. I have read stories that cheaters do change with the right person. Why couldn't it be me? I was devoted to him. I supported him whenever he wanted to do something. Yes it's true that I wasn't fun to live with. I come from a family where fun was t something we would normally do.
I honestly don't know how to have fun. I don't want to be bitter all my life. I want justice. Is it too hard to ask?
Rouky,
You had the same fears and anxiety regarding your ex's last girlfriend. And what happened? He cheated on her and left her. He has done this to every single woman he has been with. He will continue to do this. Ex's girlfriend does not have the life you want. She is with a fair weather friend and is posting rhe pics of someone elses kids. When the mom specidically asked her not to. Thats pretty pathetic.
Did you spell out the reasons why you dont want your kids pictures on facebook? Or did you go through your ex, who might want to insight anger?
I never go on facebook. Is there a way you can publicly post on her page or on the tagged photos "pleqse stop posting my kids pics up on a public page. It makes me unconfortable". That might embarass her.
Is there any way you can contact facebook directly? I know it is illegal to take pictures of other kids without the parents permission. I think this is really valid and i do not want my sons pics out there either. Has your divorce agreement been finalized yet? This is def something to add.
Hi Rouky. This is my first time writing to you. Iīm really sad you are feeling this way now. I can see you are suffering. Your kids are suffering, surely your EX is suffering. Let me tell you, from a former WH myself, thereīs sadness on the other side too. But as time goes by, you know itīs not always like this, right?
We live in a real world. Thereīs injustice everywhere. So itīs up to us the way we choose to live. Sometimes our reality is very unfair, but it is ours, we can change it. Itīs not easy but what else can we do? Just take the wins into account but not forgeting the losses as we learn from them. Willingness to do something requires energy. Use that negative energy you are getting sometimes to grow yourself, to improve and become a better person.
You can be proud of yourself, your kids are seeing you as a role model. You are there for them, you are the caretaker, you are the lighthouse. Your kids will always love their father too, even if they do not understand him. But they know who to trust: you.
Take your time to walk, then walk.
Sending you a big hug
My ex married the OW 7 years ago. I remember the first time seeing her post a pic of her and my daughter on FB. I only saw red. Now all her profile pictures are of the 3 of them. She wears "twinning" clothes with my daughter and posts pics on FB. They actually entered my home the other week with the same T-shirt. That got under my skin big time.
I thought for a while that my ex and his new wife were living the life we should have had. It's not really the case. he is still him, he is still no good, and treats his wife and sadly, our daughter, very much the way he did me. So, they might be all under the same roof, vacationing together, taking pictures together, but I don't believe if my ex and I were together we would be living some great life. My daughter would be more exposed to seeing my ex treat me like garbage. That's not a magical life. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
Please, you are a wonderful mother who provides the stability. My ex and his wife provide vacations and family parties and all that stuff. But I provide the decent home, the homework help, the trust that mom is taking care of everything she needs for school, health, life. She knows when it's important, she comes to me. I sent her dad to a school Ipad meeting last night. He has her and he could go. She kept telling me I had to go because I am the one who takes care of everything! Trust me, they know.
Your kids will recognize how strong you are and all you do for them. Ho you have overcome adversity to give them stability. Trust me. My daughter is just about 11, and she sees it. And not to brag, but my daughter is one amazing little girl. And I know it's because she sees all her mom does to give her a good life and how I get my stuff handled.
I really do understand how you feel. I was there for a long time. As time goes on, some of these things might still sting, but they don't linger. You can turn right back to all the positive.
I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from and I felt that way initially when I separated and began divorce proceedings. I was mad as h3ll that my XH cheated on me then moved right on to be with her and ultimately even married her. But, you know what I learned? She is NOT living my life. She is living her life. Granted, my XH and I don't share children, so I may feel differently if we did, but he did have children from his first marriage when he and I married and I have actually urged his daughters to have a relationship with her because she is their stepmom now.
I have been where you are, honestly. I don't know if this helps you or if you even want to hear it, but the thing that worked wonders for me was a good counselor. I didn't date for awhile after my D because I just didn't feel like I was in a place to. I think that is a decision everyone has to make for themselves, but for me, not dating helped me focus on my own life and let go of "what might have been" if my XH had kept it in his pants.
I agree with what Juju said about how he'll continue to cheat on women. I honestly believe once a cheater always a cheater because it rings true over and over and over and over again with most people who cheat. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and just continue to provide a strong and stable role model for your kids. They will see the truth and probably realize even more than you know what is really going on.
Hang in there!
I know it is illegal to take pictures of other kids without the parents permission. I think this is really valid and i do not want my sons pics out there either.
Where are you getting this information from Juju? Can you state which law makes it illegal to take pictures of kids without the parents permission? I'm sure you can't because such a law does not exist. This is an area that so many people are very confused about. I think it may come from commercial use laws but so long as they are not using the child in an advertisement or some other commercial venture, there is absolutely no laws against taking photos of someone - adult or child - so long as they are in a public place and of course don't violate nudity laws, etc. However, I can take a photo of any person I would like walking down a street, playing in a park, at an event, etc. and post it on Facebook and it's not illegal. Creepy, or weird or really odd - yes - but illegal, no. In fact, I can just about guarantee that if you ventured outside of your house today, your picture was taken. There are security cameras EVERYWHERE. Pretty much everyone has a smartphone. There are cameras on street corners, inside and outside of pretty much every store. More and more people have them in and outside of their homes. It's just reality of the world we live in today. Our privacy while in public is pretty much gone - it just is. For some reason this tends to really freak some people out. In fact, some at first don't even believe that anyone can take a photo of them without their permission - but it really is true - "Photography is not a Crime."
I always thought it was illegal as all of my sons schools and camps have always had parents sign a form before the session allowing pics to be taken. But you are right don. no laws. Except for commercial use. That is scary!!!
And except for georigia.. it was a law but possibly getting revoked.
Also look up COPPA.. (
www.ftc.gov) Childrens Online Privacy Protective Act. It says that websites must get parental conset forr children under 13 for commercial websites and online services. But what is confusing to me is that it says "coppa only covers info collected online from children...it is not triggered by an adult uploading photos of children" so also very confusing.
I guess i can understand both sides.
Lets say a journalist wanted to photograph children in war or getting abused or starving. It is important documentation and serves a purpose for the world and policy.
Butt as a parent i would be nervous having someone tag and post my sons pic in front of his school so that any random nutjob would know what school he goes to, along with lots of other info. (My dad was actually in the news paper for something positive and had some weirdo harass him. We found out this guy was doing it to lots of other people as well and he eventually stopped)
Also in terms of cyber bullying. How scary. You can post an unflattering pic of a child and basically torture them with it? For everyone to see?
I guess we are still in that wild west phase concerning online regulation.
Personally, i think we should differentiate facebook from national geographic but how to legally define? Especially when facebook is considered a news source?
Perhaps the difference between a national geographic posting photos and facebook posting photos is that there must be some sort of editing process hopefully based on a code of ethics of journalism??
Maybe a good way to go aboutbthat is a professional licensing mandate for journalists? Something that differentiates your blogger from someone that went to school for journalism? (Like they do in the medical field). This would also serve the purpose of preventing "fake news sources" and a way to enforce responsible news.
This all gets deeply to a philosophical and perhaps political discussion. It comes down to the US constitution which I happen to take extremely seriously and do not want to see violated let alone changed. It has to do very much with freedom of the press. Do we really want some government body deciding who is a journalist and who is not? How convenient for government to credential those who agree with them and ban those who oppose them. I want LESS government in our lives and not more. Fears like this can drive people to create crazy scary laws that might address the origional fear but cause many unintended bad results. Some states have tried to creat laws on photography but all have been struck down as unconstitutional - thank God. A release for a school,to use a photo is very different than a private person or independent journalist taking pictures for social media. Yes there are downsides or can be but I see the downsides of regulation far worse. If you can see it in public, why not be able to take a picture of it. What's the difference? Someone can see a child enter a school or see he is overweight by simply looking at them. A photo only documents what we see with our eyes.
Anyhow, didn't mean to hijack things here - as a journalist and photographer this is a huge passion area for me. I even have written articles and do seminars to public officials letting them know PHOTOGRAPHY IS NOT A CRIME - the title of my seminar.
As we see, joirnalists do weild a lot of power. I want my doctors and lawyers and accountants to have licenses and to abide by an ethical standard. Why not journalists? Journalists that are held to ethical guidelinea created by a specific practice act. People would still be able to voice their opinions. I can tell people my thoughts on the legal ststem..but it means nothing as i have no license.
Regardless i think that soneone should not be able to legally post picturea of another persons underage children on facebook without permission from the parent. Perhaps it is sonething we can at least negotiate in our divorce decrees.
Sorry rouky. I just realized you dont even live in the states!
As we see, joirnalists do weild a lot of power. I want my doctors and lawyers and accountants to have licenses and to abide by an ethical standard. Why not journalists? Journalists that are held to ethical guidelinea created by a specific practice act. People would still be able to voice their opinions. I can tell people my thoughts on the legal ststem..but it means nothing as i have no license.
Regardless i think that soneone should not be able to legally post picturea of another persons underage children on facebook without permission from the parent. Perhaps it is sonething we can at least negotiate in our divorce decrees.
Sorry rouky. I just realized you dont even live in the states!
I would love that! But I think it would still be negate it because it would receive the consent of at least one parent.
No worries Jujub. It is a tough one with the photos as if only one parent gives his/her consent then the photos still can go on social media.
Just venting here. My eldest upset me yesterday when she got back from her holidays with her father. Both kids told me that it was their worst holidays with him. It was their first holidays with their dad and one of his GF (usually they were in contact with OW during his weekend, but never went away for a whole week with OW). Then my elsdest said that she wanted to live with him, all of this because I told her off for misbehaving. She accused me of loving her siblings more. I told her that wasn't the case but that when I say something her sibling listens to me whereas with her I have to repeat myself at least 5 times and she constantly moan. Anyway I rang her dad and she left a crying message as he didn't answer. I texted him (he read the message, no reply). I drove by his house (not in). It is a shame because I had to show her that her dad doesn't give a monkey about her because she was accusing me of untrue things. I didn't bad mouth her dad. I just did all I could for her to get in touch with him and to show that if she wants to speak to him I won't stop her. It's frustrating because they can see that their dad doesn't care that much about them and only use them because OW is really craving to be surrounded by kids. For their first holidays together they went with OW and some of her friends. When we were together he refused to have holidays with friends.
Both my kids were crying because they wanted us to go back together and be a happy family. I told them that it can't be done because I don't trust their dad anymore and that I don't love him. I guess with them going on holidays with OW they realised that this one is going to be there for the long run!
I'm more upset because I'm on my own and I have no family support and brining up two kids isn't easy. I'm upset because he is living a great life (no kids to worry about just him and OW). But the worst is that he hasn't even contacted his daughter when she was crying on the phone to him saying that she misses him. Both my kids told me that they asked their dad to spend some time with him just the 3 of them he says yes but it never happens.
I feel like my kids believe that I am letting them down because I can't seem to make their dad spends more time with them. I keep telling them that I can only tell him how they feel but I cannot force him to do anything. I feel like I am letting them down.
On a funny note ex shows OW all the texts I send him but funny enough not the one when I asked him if OW knows about the several cheating.
Sorry rouky.
1. OW wont be there for the long run. Your ex isnt capable of that.
2. Your ex is not a good father. You have the privilege of a life in which you get to be basically the sole' responsible carer for you children. I would never want your ex's life. I would never want OWs life. Yours is more rewarding.
3. I think kids sometimes act out more for the parent that is there. Its because they know they can and i believe They are testing the parent that is there for them... you. They want to make sure that no matter how tough their behavior is. How much they act out that you will never leave or abandon them. I think they just need tons and tons of reassurance and love. These kids left by a parent or with a parent that does bare minimum or is just doing lip service to avoid dead beat dad title need so much from the other parent. Its such a challenge.
Rouky.....
I can sit here and say my ex is living the great life. He only has out daughter every other weekend and one night a week, and non of the real responsibility of being a parent, because I take care of all of that. I asked him to do one thing and he messed it up. He and his OWW pretty much have all the freedom, 2 incomes for less money in bill, ect.
However, I don't want that life. I don't want to see my child that little. I LIKE being a mom and doing the mom stuff. If I wanted a responsibility free life, I wouldn't have had a child.
Sure, I get stressed as heck. My daughter looks to me to take care of everything, I work full time, I am buying a house and I have no real family support either. I know it is hard Momma! But at the end of the day, I don't think you want to be him. His life isn't all that great.
Hand in there, you are doing a kick a$$ job, and you will reap the reward, I promise you.
Thank you Ginger for your kind words. Been back at work and it's a bit hectic. Ex has officially moved in with GF. Kids haven't been staying at their dad's house for a month now. Now him and GF have a dog. It's funny how history repeats itself for him. It's the same pattern as with me and it's what he had planned to do with OW 2 (didn't get the chance to get a dog).
In a way I'm glad that he has settled down as it will provide stability to my kids. I'm no longer raw. Still get that sharp blade going into my heart when kids come back saying that they have done things with him and her (they are the things I have always wanting us to do as a family). I guess GF has a good influence on him. He has even given up playing his favorite sports for her whereas he has always blamed me when I asked him to stop (not completely but away matches) when I just had a new born. Oh well I hope he has found the One for him.
As for me I have started to dip in the online dating world. Wow that is scary. It seems that I only attract the strange ones😂.
Has everyone felt like this: I would like to be with someone but on the other hand I have a good life on my own and I am not prepared to be hurt again. Very contradictory feelings for me.
Yes, getting involved in a relationship does mean you can be vulnerable to being hurt again. But for me, after my divorce, I felt like the worst had already happened. My husband of 24 years had left and I had survived it, so I wasn't scared at all of losing a dating relationship. What was 6 months or a year of dating compared to a lifetime marriage? Small potatoes! I felt (and feel) almost invincible because of that. And truthfully, though many things have happened in my dating life, I find I'm much less attached to the outcomes and just enjoying the present mostly. Even the prospect that CMM may die of his cancer (50% chance of surviving 19 months roughly), while tragic, doesn't make me scared for ME. Just makes me want to enjoy the love we have right now. I know I will survive no matter what happens.
A coworker told me, "you never really love the same 2nd go around" . Do you guys feel this is true? Then again, many of our walkwawys find some sort of love that is strong enough to get them to leave their families.
I hope someone can reword what i am trying to say but here goes..
There is something very very different dating this time around. You have this advantage of wisdom and independence..to the point that i wish i could go back 20 years ago knowing what i know now ( i wish i could do the same with high school) but the disadvantage of aging. It is different because most of us are seeking people to end our lives with, not start them. Or some of us are just seeking people to spend saturday night with, go out to dinner with, take to a couples event and then independently go back to the routine of our own lives. Keeping the true grit that comes with marriage or relationships at arms length.
When you dont have children together, it kind of feels like a "whats in it for me". Or, "am i at risk. Am i gonna get conned" It feels less collaborative. . For me, there is less optimism. Which doesnt feel as good. With my ex, i never ever thought it could end. For me, it would have been like murdering a family member. With new people, i know i can end it in a heart beat if there is nothing in it for me.
Like kml said, i dont care much about outcomes. I dont feel hugely attached to a partner. Not like i did with my ex. It kind of gives you a power in a relationship. But maybe less attachment.
And that grit. That reality that comes with long term committment? I think thats necessary for real love. But harder to electively sign up for 2nd time around.
The other part is vulnerability. Thats another thing thats necessary for real love. But who wants to sign up for that again?
So relationships require grit and vulnerability.
Cancer patients tell you how much harder it is to undergo treatment 2nd time around. After a relapse. Its because they know what they are getting into. 2nd time around their eyes are open to knowing the full extent of suffering that they endure.