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Abuse thread with Zelda

V

Day 20 of 100 day challenge on open sore issues

Today I deal with a difficult and truly tough friend situation. Someone who wants more than just friendship who I have no feelings for him in that way.

This friend has been so super supportive of me in every way. And he is very dear. I haven't lead him on at all.

But it's time I dealt with this issue.

V

Oh and my L sent the G his cheque in May but he still hasn't banked it.

That's the last settlement, the cash is there.

RTF?

He was so keen for the money.

V

Very strange. I'm wondering if it was also about the game of keeping you engaged in the fight? And draining your attention and energy as much as he could?

((Hugs))

Good Morning V. Your comment reminded me of a couple of things.

The first was when I made the first few support payments to my ex. I over-thought about why it took her several days after I sent the electronic transfer to accept it. It took a deliberate will to say to myself "the process works - don't fuss about it" to put that behind me. I do admit that I do pay attention to when she picks up the transfer as I get an immediate text and since I'm me, I speculate about what the timing tells me about her life (I believe I'll be posting about that later).

The second and probably more applicable one is from exquisitetobe's thread. Her ex is obvious and deliberate in using money to assert his control and dominance over her. I would expect that you would write to her that these games only work on us if we allow them to.

You have fulfilled your obligations in a legally demonstrable fashion. We could instead have some entertainment speculating on why the G hasn't been able to visit the bank instead.

Perhaps he's recovering from a badly botched scrotox treatment? (Google it - it's a thing)

I think the BIT has stolen the cheque.

V

And so does my L.

V

Lol, omg, scrotox - who knew???

A Wossox with a scrotox.

V

I have an odd view of myself. Yesterday was out with my gentle cousin and I felt very ugly and fat. I didn't want to go out because of the jelly tummy and muffin top from h@ll.

Particularly I didn't want to eat or have my picture taken.

But there is no choice in it.

Surprisingly the pictures don't look like me. That's not who I see from the inside. So strange. So so strange.

It has me overwhelmed and doubting reality.

I tried an experiment by looking in the mirror and then taking a photo. They aren't the same. Which is real?

This is quite frightening.

V

So today my challenge is to look in the mirror and align my internal and external image.

I feel quite ill at the thought of this.

V

Good Morning V. Since I have never seen you and only have your own description to go by, let me tell you the external V that I see in my mind's eye.

She's tall with good posture. Bright either blue or grey eyes. A cloud of curly hair, mostly grey but with dark reverse highlights.

A strong but thin nose and narrow pointed chin frame normal sized lips that normally have a straight line but occasionally burst into a quirky grin.

A perky chest as good engineering assists to combat what gravity and time is trying to undo. A waist that speaks of a life lived and that curve into gentle hips.

Legs that are tall and lean dancer's legs down to feet and toes that are well cared for but show the results of time spent in heels even though clad in flats.

The arms are lean and well muscled and end in hands that show a few but not too many age spots with well cared for nails on long slim fingers.

How'd I do?

Sadly Andrew that's not V like.

V is 5 4", very pale and long pale curly natural ash blonde hair (almost no white, a little silver). Dolly Partonish in the figure and a smattering of Marilyn Monroe. Heart shaped faced with strong Cupid bow mouth. UK size 12 (US 8-10).

Tiny button nose, deep grass green eyes. Legs more or less as described and toned arms. No age spots as no sun and few wrinkles.

But my internal V is short dumpy with huge muffin top, thinning hair and rather ugly. Especially on a bad day and especially when I hear the G raging at me in my head over my body faults of which he found plenty all the time. Including me being a bag lady of whom he was deeply ashamed. I am also hugely incompetent, terrible at what I do, the most selfish unloving person ever in the world.

I am seeking to heal the trauma, to go back to being a better than ok person who can function in this world, without being paralysed by trauma. I didn't know that I was so dissociated from myself. Nor did realise that I just simply never looked in a full length mirror, choosing to buy in charity shops and eBay without the need for it. Of course I have a hand mirror for teeth brushing.

I simply don't recognise myself in photos, yes I know it's me but I don't know it's me. It's as if it's someone else. I knew I had 'bought the G abuse but not how much I had internalized it.

Just sums it up, reconciling the two is tough, getting my confidence back is a struggle.

This is a tough open sore spot to tackle. I am about 10lbs overweight at the moment, and some how losing that weight will make a difference as long as it stays off.

I was quite happy before I met the G, I was ok, getting on with my life. Comfortable enough in my skin not to bother too much, steady weight, and if I lost or gain adjusting. Not fretting that people hated me, just ordinary and ok. Unself conscious in many ways, didn't really think about it, stuck in the Stevie Nicks era fashion wise, happy to be there forever. If you liked me you did and if you didn't it's sad but not life threatening.

Now, I question everything I am and do.

Sometimes I don't go out because of this, I stay home. Not much feeling lost these days to be fair as I push myself out that door and I push myself into the next. But it's tiring to feel like that and takes a lot of effort. I do it because I want to find that inner V who was strong, had courage and took life day by day.

I want that awful period with the G to be erased. I want the certainty of congruence again, of being and doing what I am and knowing what that is.

I know it's another phase of healing from the trauma of abuse, severe destructive abuse which cuts like a knife to the soul. A dear friend (Painter) said it sounds like the stories that war veterans have. It is like that, as this is a war zone of words, I am not saying it's on the scale that these veterans have experienced, thank goodness not. But it gives me a flavour of the excruciating suffering of these men and women returning home.

For today it is enhanced as it's fathers day and I am grieving my aged pa.

V

I started writing a long rambling story but realized that I need to get to my ironing.

V - what you are talking about is the "wrapping" and how it was viewed by the G. I think that for many of us, including myself that we allow our self image to be formed by the opinions of others. And given that those others have an interest in keeping us down so that we don't look up that can be a tough hill to climb. I know that for me at the time of "bomb-day" I did actually believe that no other woman could be interested in me unless they saw my pay packet. I've been fortunate that I have had people around me since who have been a mirror to let me know that "the looks decent wagon didn't pass me by".

I myself have a strong belief in the merits of good tailoring. It is a significant investment but a well made piece of clothing will far outlast any discount priced goods. I have some very nice Egyptian cotton shirts that are just about to be ironed that are several years old and show no signs at all of wear. I used to buy cheap and would be lucky to have a shirt last a year.

The first and most important thing about clothes (and yes - a man is lecturing about clothes to a woman

) is fit. The second is also fit. Colour and style, the first being more important come way down the list.

I know for men's clothes that it is so much easier to get them altered to get a good fit but perhaps look around. A few nice pieces with accessories will last you years and allow you to look fabulous for a modest investment. Maybe check to see if there are any tailors / seamstresses around. I get the impression that you have theatrical connections which may help get you pointed.

Just my 2 pence.

I don't need to see you to know that you are stunning. I think we all tend to be very critical of ourselves and usually needlessly so. I think I look one way but sometimes I see pictures of myself and think "hmmm...I don't look half bad". LOL I agree with what Andrew said about our self image is formed in part based on opinions of other people. For example, because I'm a "plus-sized" woman, I know that a great number of men don't find me attractive, but I have had plenty of men in my life who have told me I was beautiful, sexy, etc. It truly is in the eye of the beholder. So, when YOU are the beholder, try to see yourself for what you really are, not the voice of all those others telling you what they think you are. I have no doubt at all that you are a beautiful woman who absolutely sparkles and shines from the inside out.

Andrew I just adore the practicality of your thoughts. Get some great fitting togs. I will examine my wardrobe and look on eBay and Amazon to supplement. I just know our Andrew is a catch for a lucky lady. I know so.

Yes I do have such connections.

Dawn you are so lovely and kind. One of the loveliest and sexiest women I know is a bigger girl but so so lush, all eyes on her. She oozes class and is a knockout. It's her confidence that does it. My Dawn is such a gorgeous lady, I just know. I do.

So open sore issue for today I will explore wardrobe options and smartening up my act.

V

Day 25 of 100 open sore issues

Throw out all the items with sugar in my cupboard. And the rest of the G deodorant.

V

Supposing it was ok to have been through this?

V

From now on I shall say I am enough every day into my mirror.

V

Quote:

Throw out all the items with sugar in my cupboard. And the rest of the G deodorant.

Lol - I spent part of the weekend packing up more of ex-boyfriend's stuff. Since he's been in and out of hospitals and rehabs for the last year I've been storing his stuff at my house but it has to get put into storage as soon as he's semi-stable. I can't have a new guy over when my closet is full of ex-boyfriend's "Imelda Marcos" shoe collection lol. I weaned down his clothes and went through my clothes at the same time - holding on to too many "skinny clothes" that I won't fit into until they're out of fashion. Figure when I get back to that size I'll be HAPPY to buy new clothes.

I'm also trying to get him to sell some of the bigger things as he needs the money to buy a new beater car to get to work once he's ready. Then hopefully can get everything else into a small storage unit except for the bed and dresser which I don't mind storing in my garage (he's not going to show up at my door crazy in the middle of the night asking for the dresser lol, and it would double the price of a storage unit to move those).

Still more work to do in my bedroom to get rid of things and organize more. Not too messy but not quite looking the way I would want if a guy was going to spend the night (something I haven't had to worry about because the Love Avoidant friend I was seeing lives in another town and doesn't have a car so I always went to his place, which was a lovely tidy loft apartment. New guy however lives in town and if I actually end up dating him he will end up at my house eventually.)

Purging for me was both freeing and terrifying. I was trained from very early days to never touch "her stuff". After she left and I was packing I could only do so much before I would start shaking and have to stop. And there was sooo much of it (you may recall the freezer stories) and that was only a minor portion.

She's been gone 2 years now and I only got rid of the (almost) last of the stuff last weekend. It did feel good to toss that moth-eaten green chair that she used to pile her clothes on into the landfill. But it took an effort. I still have a spare kitchen table that I'm trying to sell.

One side effect of this though is that I also purged a lot of my own stuff like kml mentions. I got rid of roughly 1/3 of the clothes I had and a bunch of stuff from the workshop and garden shed.

Other than what got boxed up for my ex, the bulk of it went to charity, some was set on the side of the street with a "free" sign on it. Theoretically I could have sorted / pre-purged stuff for her but I just couldn't bring myself to sort "her" stuff or make what I figured would be wrong decisions so it all got tossed into boxes. As I wrote to her, I packed things I didn't want around me in a life without her.

There were some laughs like when I found lovely embroidered pillow cases mixed in with a large pile of pickle dishes. D26 remarked "well isn't that where everyone keeps spare pillow cases?"

And finding ancient paint brushes in the freezer was amusing too.

We tell people here to purge and make the home "their's" but for some of us even beyond saying goodbye to the memories, there's more to struggle through.

As I tell people, I didn't know I was living under a cloud until I walked in the sunshine.

I remarked to my lawyer that even to me it seemed odd. Me, a moderately successful professional. Nearly 6' tall. Outwardly confident. Her - 4'11" and dumpy - outwardly meek and overwhelmed. But she had power over me and I was terrified of her disapproval. My lawyer said that she'd seen this dynamic before although until my ex blew up during the last meeting about how she felt she wasn't getting enough respect I don't think she believed it.

SIL1 was visiting last week and she remarked that there are pretty much no feminine touches left in the house. It's not a "man-cave" - but to me - it feels like home 'cuz that's what it is.

Purging was probably the single greatest and most cathartic experience for me. My XH packed everything he "wanted" and set off for all points north and basically left me with my stuff and accumulations from our time together that he no longer wanted. I didn't waste a whole lot of time and I took great pride in throwing away all the personalized cutesy couply Christmas ornaments we'd lovingly selected each year on our anniversary to add to our Christmas tree. I also delighted in taking down all of our couple and wedding pictures and some of the frames I kept, but most of them went to the local thrift store. A very few items were given to the girls (at their choosing, of course) and the rest went to the dump. Oh my word what a glorious experience that was. I did it as I moved out of our marital home to a smaller home of my own. I did it again when I moved from that home to my current home and while most of "him" was gone by that point, there were still a few things that I was holding onto that got the boot in that move.

Today, I have held on to some gifts he gave me: nice jewelry, a lovely collection of ceramic cows (I'm a farm girl, after all...what can I say?), and pictures, mainly because I know the girls will want them some day, but other than that, there isn't much in MY house that even reminds me of him.

Yes, purging is good.

I'm a HUGE fan!

The great purge. The G would not move out and despite him saying he hadn't much stuff. It was everywhere.

I had to pack his stuff after he left because he was taking so long to collect it. It was torture and traumatic he would turn up unannounced and collect stuff. It was very hard as he raged at me. I texted him "What is it about I do not want to see you again do you not understand?" Make it happen.

It was deliberate abuse and it was threatening and designed to intimidate. There is no doubt in my mind on it at all.

The G bought me gifts before we got M but afterwards they were bizarre things like hand warmers and lampshades. Cutey stuff never came my way. There was no romance at all, only rages and awful accusations.

I still struggle with feeling insignificant and ugly. Above all ugly and rather worthless. I know it's complex PTSD, but knowing what it is, taking extreme care, walking to the pain, none of it makes it stop.

I know I am out of danger but yet I still feel unsafe. My life was threatened. And yes I have had counselling and have been through an abuse programme twice. I have trained to help others, taken active steps and am taking a full on legal course to assist me. But I still feel unsafe. I believe the G is capable of killing me and he has said he will. I think he has done it before and that thought that admission is in my head. Once you know you cannot unknow.

Writing it down or saying it out loud make it seem far out. Far away, unreal but it is reality. One of my support team was counselling an abuse victim who was stabbed by her ex after being hit with a claw hammer. That ex is out on bail and visited the hospital to 'apologise" and ask the tormented to 'drop the charges or get them dropped.'

So what I want to purge isn't physical things or belongings. It's the thoughts, the feelings and the trauma. The trauma of a forced oral cop which may mean that sex is going to be near impossible as a loving experience. The verbal abuse which makes it impossible to recognise and love my body. The emotional abuse which leaves me with full blown anxiety in front of supermarket shelves.

I am not the only one, I am here to say do not repair an M or R based on abuse. Repair yourself as that takes real courage.

The triggers are not in the stuff left behind but in the implanted triggers in the mind. Some of it is very humorous and some of it is pathetic.

It is that I wish to purge, and by my higher spirit I will. I will face each one head on and although I am afraid of my own shadow. I will face it down.

It makes no sense to me at all. But it will gradually come together. I sense I will only be free when the G is truly gone and I am sure he isn't coming back. That may mean I will have to take legal action to do it. I am learning how.

V

So my next challenge is to clear away the Cobwebs in my brain because I am enough.

V

I am loving this, and reading everyone's answers and thoughts too.

For all of us, finding ourselves again after everything we've been through, is a slow process. For those that have been through something along the lines of what you've been through V, I think it can be harder still perhaps.

But there is also much joy to be had in rediscovering ourselves and finding new aspects of ourselves which make us even more who we are now. I'm very slowly starting to feel solid and safe in myself. That's something I've never felt before up to now.

I'm not quite sure how it happened. I think it maybe started with me trying to put as much emotional distance as possible between myself and XH after October 2015.

I think I did that by finding small things to focus my attention on (painting my front door, chatting with the lady behind the counter for a few minutes whenever I went to do some grocery shopping, doing some work for a couple of hours here and there alongside other people). The only thing I told myself was that I had to be fully present while doing those things, even if it was just for literally two minutes. And then I had to stop and find something that I was grateful for in whatever I had done.

I think that focussing so much on my inner journey so early on had the effect of creating something that was alive and new in me. Even though at the time, it was the smallest seed and I think that only I could notice it.

I remember that I completely lost touch with how I looked. I mean, I would still turn up at work with clean, ironed clothes, brushed hair and makeup on. But I couldn't have told you how I looked, or felt like I related to that side of myself.

I think I was shocked back into that side of myself three or so months after October 2015, at Christmas/New year time, on a night out. It was something a work colleague said to me, a passing comment. That's maybe when I started on my journey to try and inhabit my physical being more, and learn to love and appreciate that more.

I think that slowly exploring and pushing the boundaries of that side of my being, (which was something I'd never done before) has led me to appreciate how strong I can be. Talking about physically here, not emotionally, or mentally.

I still suffer from pain from the back injury that I had when things got super bad with XH. The physio I had was straight to it, and got pretty much instantly (actually a good while before I understood), that it had been caused the the huge amount of stress I had been under.

That was in December 2014. Three and a half years on, I wake up in pain every morning. And I feel so stiff round my midriff just as a matter of fact that it feels like I'm wearing a steel corset.

Anyway, I think I feel a lot more comfortable in my physical being than I have done for many, many years. I am aware of, and appreciate what my body can do, more than I ever have done before in my life. I try and look after it as much as I can in as many ways possible.

It's helped me reconnect with myself in all sorts of ways, but it's also helped me develop a new relationship with myself.

I want to say something else in answer to what you said about facing your own shadow. But I'll gather my thoughts a bit first. And it might even make more sense to read that post first, and then what I'd written above.

Anyway, sending you hugs and strength today.

I am waking again with night terrors. Thinking someone is walking about in the upper part of the house.

Of course if I check there is no one there, just old rafters creaking in the heat. But I have these nightmares that are so vivid that the G is up there and he won't leave as he is claiming squatters rights.

It's 3 in the morning. This time I woke thinking I was being force fed some drugged food, so lucid.

Vivid? IC says this stuff is healing but it's very unnerving.

V

Wow. That must feel really scary. Would you feel better if you had a dog, or security cameras, or a nanny cam upstairs? I'm just thinking of something that would allow you to wake up and know, "No, he's not here" so you could go back to sleep?

Indeed - from your own support for me with my own dreams I know how unsettling this can be and in my case that's without the overt danger that you feel.

I had yet another one last night myself but relatively mild and so obviously not real (a dragon was a cast member) that I was able to just roll with it. I do have S23 wandering around the house at all hours (made himself chicken ceaser salad at 2:30am)

((V))

Kml I like the idea of a nanny can so I ordered one, a Wi-Fi model.

Thank you Andrew for your support. Dreams are normal processing and it's a good stage as it starts the next stage of recovery. You are ahead of me on the road of recovery.

I didn't wake until 11 am after waking 4 or 5 times last night.

Today's challenge day 30 is to go in my shorts into town to collect the mail. First the house then the village and now town.

I am thinking about doing the Wim Hof program for 12 weeks. The oxygen advantage, to get rid of this last bit of weight.

V

I have been so triggered over the last few days. Clearly the body issue is a really big open sore.

Still a wound.

My anxiety is off the scale.

Haven't slept much and my house is a pit. Needs a day of washing and ironing. Andrew I need your skills.

One pleasurable thing though is the tailoring think.

I bought some new clothes, I also have a pile of clothes that need some professional tailoring done. Beyond button and minor repairs although there are plenty of those.

I have a really bad client case I have let fester it is on my conscience a bit as I usually meet all my obligations. So this isn't like me, every time I open the files I get triggered very badly. No excuses this has to be tackled. Last few times I puked with fear.

I have absolutely no idea why. It isn't a complex case. But I keep avoiding it.

Tomorrow, Monday etc.

This has to be done, I am going to be an adult and whilst I am doing it I will evaluate why this is so triggering.

I make mistakes all the time so not sure why this is so troublesome. But I got that G voice telling me I am incompetent and stupid.

So open sore issue 27 of 100, nasty client paperwork trigger.

V

I only have to do an hour to begin with

V

A remarkable lady in midlife crisis Exquiste had a phenomenal shift. And faced a big open sore trigger. If she can do it then so can I.

Am using all my strength anchors today and also listening to LeeAnne Times Strong.

V

I did it start to finish only an hour. Why did I procrastinate?

V

Exquisite is in the midlife crisis section of the board!

Stupid triggers meaning I am writing rubbish.

V

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

Needs a day of washing and ironing. Andrew I need your skills.

I'd love to help but I'm in the middle of doodler's ironing at present. Doing the pleats just so on crinoline is fiddly stuff.

If you can wait I'll try to pop over later with my duster and cleaning rags otherwise you'll have to figure it out on your own.

The mending I might be able to help with. I'm good with buttons and general repairs but lack the fine motor skills for alterations.

More seriously though - be kind to yourself and only take on what you can. You know this already. The way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.

By leaning on each other we can carry ourselves along.

((V))

Oh my God V !!!!! WooHoo!!!! High five.. congrats!!

Through my struggle, i' ve inspired you? YOU (along side of others), who has helped me facing my biggest obstacle!!

Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!!
I am also proud of you!

Much respect.. xox

RESTORED POSTING FOR SURFER

V,

You seem to be struggling. Looks like PTSD big time to me.

Are you sleeping - properly? This can be a big thing. Bad dreams, noises. If you are struggling try googling boiled banana. Very good like knock out drops - it might just help and it is just water and a banana.

Sounds like you might need to get a holiday lined up with a friend.

Surfer

Originally Posted By: exquisitetobe

Oh my God V !!!!! WooHoo!!!! High five.. congrats!!

Through my struggle, i' ve inspired you? YOU (along side of others), who has helped me facing my biggest obstacle!!

Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!!
I am also proud of you!

Much respect.. xox

It is an honour and privilege to post to you.

V

Surfer you are right. I know it's complex PTSD. Knowing it doesn't stop it but it does remove some of the sting.

Open sore issue today was I went back to Rotary duties for the first time in years.

V

I will try boiling bananas.

V

Hey V! Checking in with you to see how you are today?

I am feeling more centred today focus.

My open sore issue from Saturday needs finishing.

A long standing friend made a pass at me yesterday, he has a girlfriend and he is a friend. So no no no no. I am slightly disappointed that a friend would behave that way to his long standing girlfriend. I thought him better than that. Oh well, live and learn.

V

Oh good heavens! How disrespectful, all round!! Hope you're OK from that?

Ugh. Sorry about that. It is always tricky for us women to be friends with men (and I have lots of male friends) but you never know when they might surprise you with a declaration of inappropriate interest!

I was a little non plus and I told him I didn't like it and frankly wasn't sure if I should tell his gf who I know vaguely. I suggested if his R wasn't up to scratch he should get advice IC or put in some work!

Can't see V as an OW somehow.

Thanks kml and focus for the support on it.

V

I am still dealing with open sore issues. Today I did a body program which examines attitudes to ones self. Very troubling, I feel exhausted.

V

It's day 33 of 100 on tackling open sore issues. One third the way in.

V

Tell me more about the body program - what did you learn?

I'm interested because my conversation with my best friend the other day. She was somewhat astonished at something I said about dates thinking I was "all that and a bag of chips" and she said when relationships don't work out she assumes it's because she's not enough. I told her how ridiculous that was (she's a leggy blonde, talented and artistic, self-supporting without debt, looks much younger, brilliant mind, still interested in sex - I told her most guys our age would be thrilled to have her.)

I know her surprised response to my statement was in part because I've gained weight and she's a bit obsessive about her own weight (thin). And it made me think a little about the place I'm in.

I'm certainly not happy with the excess weight I've gained from all the stress of the last two years - I'd like to lose some weight. And I'm far from the skinny body of my youth. But one of the blessings of dating after my divorce is how readily the men I have dated have embraced my body type, regardless of weight. (Picture Botticelli's Venus, with slightly shorter legs, wider hips, and an extra 20 lbs mostly distributed to boobs and behind and you'll get an idea of my current body type.)

I've come to understand that my curves are plenty sexy and if I'm comfortable in my own skin, many men will find me very attractive. With age comes wisdom and frankly my dear, at this age I don't really give a dam. If a man doesn't find me attractive or has concerns about my cellulite, I'll gladly move on to someone who isn't bothered by that.

Although I've dated some very handsome men since my divorce, I'm not critical of THEIR bodies. I kind of expect men in their fifties to have a bit of a belly even if they're very fit, it doesn't bother me that they're not perfect.

My hips are wide and even when I was very skinny in my youth, I always had wide hips - very unfashionable in the 70's when skinny Jordache jeans were the rage. Yet all of the last four men I have dated have made the same comment about enjoying the "view" when walking behind me, so I've finally come to view it as an asset

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I love and appreciate my body and inhabit it with pride. I don't feel awkward getting naked in front of a new man and they generally respond to my comfort in my skin with appreciation not criticism. I'd rather be with a guy who appreciates me now, and lose weight later, than lose weight now and be with a guy who's not going to be happy if my weight fluctuates back up.

Oh - and all of you young women out there worrying about 10 or 15 pounds? Stop it right now. When you're older you'll WISH you had the body you have right now; APPRECIATE it while you have it.

It's Marisa Peer. I am enough, you can sign up for a free course it's based on hypnosis. That is where I started on day 10 of my 100. She is British and very straight talking. If you don't complete a module you don't get the next one.

And I just did the whole day online course.

Another helpful book is Body Beliefs by Jason Seib.

Not all of us are so lucky kml, some of us need assistance. I was perfectly ok until the abuse and the words of the G that stayed in my head. I am requiring support to get them out again.

These resources are not diets or protocols. They are based on behaviour and not primarily around food. So don't expect menus or eating regimes.

V

For me it isn't about dating, I cope fine with it. It is the cPTSD that exists because of the G raging.

Ever seen a full grown man behaving like a two year old and having a tantrum when they can't get their way. Terrifying. It was of the few things I agreed with Petersen on.

But it's in my head. If I told you I never looked in a full length mirror since marrying the G but now I can? Or that I can't undress in a changing room for sports or buying clothes? That's on my open sore list, go shopping and try clothes on in a changing room. I currently use eBay and supermarkets. Until recently I hadn't a clue how I looked from the head down. I obviously use a mirror to brush my teeth.

I started wearing makeup again recently, the G always said I looked a mess with it on. But hey, guess what? I don't. I bought some lilac eye stuff as recommended for green eyes. I also went to a department store had a free makeup lesson and bought some products. I now have a professional manicure, the G said it was a waste of money.

One of my open sores was tackled I went to agent prov and had a proper bra fitting and bought some naughty underwear!

I have a bad broken vein on my leg so tomorrow I go to the surgeon for a consultation on it.

Although I do take extreme care of me, food, exercise and bits, doc dentist etc. And of course I do groom too.

This is to lift me to the next level. Get rid of the shackles. I can't move forward to the new until some of these open sore issues are resolved.

And I started finding the cash for a massage once a month but that stopped as I started paying my L. I will return to that.

I am also learning new dances.

There is lots to come, a burlesque class for instance.

I am determined even though it isn't as natural to me as it once was.

And yes, I am 12 lbs overweight and I don't like it, but it is about health for me as I am a diabetic (type 2).

Actually I am on a date tonight! I am playing the field as they say, learning how.

At 63 I had never been on a date. All of my R started with friendship not dating. And in the last 6 months I have dated more than in the rest of my life. I am awful at it, but getting better.

It's a new skill set to learn.

And no sex yet as none of my dates have reached that stage.

Now that will be an open sore issue!

V

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

And no sex yet...

Now that will be an open sore issue!

V

Two sentences that should not be used together (ideally), might need to change the title of your quest when addressing sex, lol

Glad things are going so well for you V. I do have a question though, in one sentence you mention not being comfortable using a fitting room to try on clothes, but then you mention getting a proper bra fitting (which I assume means someone was helping you with fit). Did you just work through the discomfort or was it different since you were working with measurements, etc?

Lol Coconut - good point!

My exH was excessively critical, but I always knew his view of things was skewed and didn't really let it affect me - I knew his self-talk was even more critical than what I got. (One example - reviewing photos after our honeymoon, one shot of me in short shorts, hiking the Swiss alps, taken from below with all my weight on one leg - of course I had a little saddlebag on my thigh. I was actually UNDERWEIGHT at the time, 5'6" 118 lbs with ribs that stuck out, but H had to comment on my thighs. His friend came to view the same photo and his first comment was how hot I looked in that picture!) So I always knew ex was not a good mirror and really didn't take in much of his negativity.

Originally Posted By: Coconut

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

And no sex yet...

Now that will be an open sore issue!

V

Two sentences that should not be used together (ideally), might need to change the title of your quest when addressing sex, lol

Glad things are going so well for you V. I do have a question though, in one sentence you mention not being comfortable using a fitting room to try on clothes, but then you mention getting a proper bra fitting (which I assume means someone was helping you with fit). Did you just work through the discomfort or was it different since you were working with measurements, etc?

The sex and sore was intended to be funny!

In a bra fitting it's V and the fitter only. They measure you then get you to try different bras for their fit. It's private in a fitting room. A little like V and a sports masseuse.

A changing room is public with any (female) who happens to be in the shop and wants to try clothes on.

So the bra fitting is personal and private (You and the fitter) and the changing room isn't. If that makes sense?

Thank you for asking ?

V

Why do guys do this? Rush at things! FFS it's a first date.......

Already getting we could go on a dance holiday.

Just one glass of rose and I have to be hooked up!

Nice guy but far too much.

Thanked him for a great evening. That's it, enough.

V

I am feeling a little down today. Went to docs and 2as told I have quite a few issues with my skin.

I think my teeth are in poor condition. So I need more treatment.

Extreme care isn't extreme enough.

I just haven't had the cash for any of this thanks to the G.

V

Sorry V. Hope nothing dangerous regarding the skin. Would be nice if our bodies were more cooperative!
Any services or financial plans that your dentist can offer?

I have some manky moles that need to be removed. They can be done on the national health but I will have to wait about 10 months as it isn't a priority. And two of them are precancerous. They need to be removed asap.

It will cost but I will find the cash

V

Just when I think I am getting somewhere, the trauma is back. I booked to go on a weekend dance event but today I am paralysed with fear.

It started last night but here I am sitting in my flat not going anywhere.

I have started puking every morning again.

Must get myself together and get out the door.

I hate this trauma stuff.

V

Sometimes I wonder if our former partners have any concept of the damage that they have done to us. And then I wonder if they care.

I expect the answer to both questions is no.

Vomiting is our body's reflexive action to rid itself of poison.

Those of us who have hung around here post-divorce and post any "hope" try to pay it forward. You do that a lot. I did but not so much any more. Like you've mentioned before, witnessing the fresh trauma of our compatriots is triggering for us. It can also be healing. I'm sure that there are studies out there that demonstrate that altruism has positive benefits for both parties.

Can you name the poison your body has recognized and is ridding itself of?

Be kind to yourself. Stay hydrated.

((V))

Andrew,

Very well said. Our bodies have a way of protecting us from poisons, be in actual poisoning of the body or of the mind. Listen to your body...it will tell you what it needs.

Talking of which I no longer need metformin for my type 2.

Yeah!

V

I am glad you no longer need metformin. That's a big plus.

Keep up the good work...but don't forget to stop every once in a while and smell the roses along the way.

I thought I might list the open sore points I dealt with:

I wore white for a whole day. I always think white makes me look big.

I upgraded my server and resolved some old issues on logins.

I dealt with my most difficult client and billing.

I upped my charging rates in the business.

I went dancing to a dance weekender on my own! Big fear!

I danced the blues all night. All Night. Yeah V!

Today I meet some old friends for dinner as a single, i have avoided this so far.

I booked another exam for Thursday 25? JULY. A subject I have been avoiding,

Onwards and upwards.

Let's get the history out of the way.

V

Andrew

I am not avoiding answering you. I just wanted to observe what was triggering the vomiting. And frankly I don't know.

I wondered if it was my body trying to encourage my weight loss as it doesn't happen if I don't eat in the morning. That's what I am doing now, fasting.

My vitamin and mineral tablets do this too sometimes, which makes no sense. As that seems like sabotage.

I used to vomit after I had been in the G car and he was driving, and before work. That was anxiety.

It's baffling. Maybe it's the thought of dealing with open sore points. Unsure.

I have stopped asking why and instead am asking what can I do to change it?

So keep on dealing with stuff and not eating in the morning.

That's what I can do.

V

Are you, by chance, taking your vitamins, etc., on an empty stomach? That could be a reason for the vomiting. You might want to try to take them later in the day and see if that will help.

V - My knowledge of female chemistry is about what would be expected of a middle-aged man.

I do recall clearly that when my ex was in the midst of both peri-menopause and her affair (I still think there was a causal effect) she would have what was essentially morning sickness. She was also having unprotected sex with him without birth control (I got snipped 23 years ago) and that may have been a factor for her too - dunno.

I presume that menopause is all behind you at this point. She started eating only a small dish of yogurt in the morning. Good thing she had her milk delivery / lover that got her a discount

It did give her some good protein in the morning at least.

Be kind to yourself. This too shall pass.

Super glad to hear about all your adventures. Getting ourselves out of our comfort zones is part of growing. Working on that myself with limited success.

((V))

Your lists and accomplishments are great! I am proud for you!! You sound like the old nike commercial "Just do it".

Have you been to a gastroenterologist? Always good to rule out easily diagnosed stuff before writing it off.
Ginger and fennel teas are always nice as well.

Lots of hugs V.

When the time comes I will.

If any of you remember Old Dog, I went yesterday to see him in his new band, he plays bass. He is doing awesome!

V

Originally Posted By: JujuB

Your lists and accomplishments are great! I am proud for you!! You sound like the old nike commercial "Just do it".

Have you been to a gastroenterologist? Always good to rule out easily diagnosed stuff before writing it off.
Ginger and fennel teas are always nice as well.

Lots of hugs V.

Digestive issues seem to be because of stress.

It's getting better as tackling the open sore issues are going well. The tackling is stressful, and often it's not on the things you think would be stressful.

Things are happening.

V

Thank you ju, Andrew and Job.

Love you guys loads and loads.

V

I was thinking about the higher power and how connection comes and goes. It fascinates me and also distressed me.

So who is the "me" in this?

It certainly isn't my concious mind, my cerebral cortex. It's not the monkey chatter brain, nor is the emotional physical state which is transitory.

So who is me? Is it the critical voice in my brain that sounds like the G?

I think the "me" is the observer, the quizzical curious part of my being that just watches and listens. When I cease to observe that's when I lose connection with my higher power.

This is life changing as a thought.

V

Hi Lady V , just reading your last post and I have always thought the opposite in that the less you focus( over think) on something the more you are in touch with the real you and not thinking from within your ' programs ' or ( bad ) life experiences. I think someone once said ( Petterson or Confucius ??) life is simple but we insist on making it complicated. This to me is overthinking, analysing when there is no need to , etc. In touch with your higher power , for me, is living in the now and experiencing reality and not living in the past or future to any real degree. I spend a far bit of time in meetings and it's amazing to watch people and i try and see their ' real ' persona as opposed to what they are trying to project. We all have egos but it's seeing that ego for what it is , more like a separate part of us and not a healthy part in lots of ways. For example , the minute I hear someone call themselves ' a strong person ' , i wonder who they are telling ? , and i think often they are trying to convince themselves more than others, again ego. Would a strong person need to state it and how many people would consider themselves weak ???

Anyway , just my thoughts , im off to instruct at my meditation class !!!!!

Namaste

RD great to hear from you my dear internet bruv from Ireland.

I think we are essentially saying the same thing.

Observer mode is essentially stillness and mindfulness. The observer notices but doesn't judge.

Observe don't absorb.

The quote is Confucius.

I would like to be strong and I am only me. I am enough.

V

Hi Lady V, you are strong, very strong, you also have had to live through an unbelievably hard , abusive situation which , of course , tested that strength and proberbly put doubts about your strength in your own mind.

Mindfullness is the ultimate goal i believe and while we all believe we are strong, those that feel the need to say it are doing so for themselves and maybe not in a negative way but maybe more in a self enforcing way.

As I have said before , my own faults / weaknesses are plenty but that doesn't preclude me from observing others faults / issues.

There was a poster, Ghost, who would not self examine or see his situation for what is was for such a long time that he seemed a lost hope but slowly , very slowly he started to look at himself and he was making great strides last time he posted. I see others on here that won't look at themselves or they want to keep heading down cheeseless tunnels.

I think Petterson ( maybe Socrates ) said, 'the unexamined life is not worth living ' and for those that find themselves here , this is so true. Some of us ( myself included ) where comfortable in our M and were shocked when we were faced with our partners behaviour but on reflection, is it ever 100% the WAS fault ? When we perceive ourselves as a good partner , we may well be but was good, enough ?

Anyway , 2 more points , i dont think I could post about strength without mentioning Sotto , who i know sometimes believed she didnt have strength but showed alot on here what true strength is and secondly yourself, your strength is evident is every post about yourself and to others. You are lucky that you carried your Pas genes but also your own fortitude in very , very tough cricumstances came from a deep strength of character. Thank you for been a tower of strength and support to so many on here and to myself personally. Your a true lady in every sense of the word.

Take care , Rd

I adore my faults and weaknesses now. They are my opportunities for growth and development.

RD, I am particular fan of Ghosts, his endurance for his M, stubbornness in holding on to his dream of family was endearing. I have to tell you Ghost is much happier now and has a new life.

The quote is also Socrates. Ps most memorable quote was on gay marriage and women being more amenable than men and thus not earning as much.

This (apart from P) is where we disagree most I think, I exclusively think this the wayward is responsible for waywardism, we don't make them drop their knickers or test the trouser snake because our closets are messy, we serve the wrong pasta or aren't oriental. They choose to escape their pathetic existence by distraction. They choose not to deal with compulsion and addiction. That has nothing to do with the LBS. Really our faults made them put our sexual health at risk for a quick dopamine hit or two?

With walkaways it is quite different though.

Do I believe that we should look to ourselves and our faults? Yes of course. I have high standards for myself and those in my life. I look to aged pa and ma and see those applied. I so miss my aged pa who I loved so much and whose dignity was there until the end. No flies on aged pa.

I am slowly turning to the idea of 'I am enough' which I am working through using the tools given by Marissa Peer. I think we forget that some flaws are not fatal and some are endearing. Most are every day things, perfectionism gets in the way of performance in life, we achieve through our strengths.

RD there is something so remarkable about being a family man and connecting with your kids in the way you do. The ability to love, hold fidelity and of course teach meditation is wonderful. And you were good enough on the other things. Aged ma and pa were comfortable in their M and tolerant of foibles. That's an M. And as it should be.

RD you too are a tower of strength in our tribe. I love Sotto very much for a long time I just followed her around the board agreeing with her wisdom. We must all meet up very soon. I recently met with Old Dog who is bass guitarist in a band, amazing. Such wonderful peeps.

RD your only minor flaw is that you didn't introduce me to Liam, (You are both Irish) and now he has a gf. So now I have to find a new heart throb crush.

V

Lady V,

Your posts are always so lovely and I'm so glad to come back and read them. They always make me, somehow, feel better, even when you are being so open about not so pleasant issues. I'm sorry you have been ill, but you are always such a tower of strength and self-assurance and that comes through in all of your posts. Though I don't know you outside this forum and likely never will, it is so wonderful and amazing to know that there is a Lady V out there somewhere. You rock, lady!!!!!!

Dawn thank you. I love you and Molly lots.

Had manky moles removed yesterday and am pleased to say no further treatment needed. The manky hasn't gone into the skin, it's within the mole edge.

V

Today's open sore was to have my teeth detained.

V

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

Today's open sore was to have my teeth detained.

Did you call the cops so they could arrest your teeth?

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

The manky hasn't gone into the skin, it's within the mole edge.

Excellent news! This reminds me of the old saw about how to eat an elephant. One bite at a time.

Originally Posted By: doodler

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

Today's open sore was to have my teeth detained.

Did you call the cops so they could arrest your teeth?

Detained

I am a coffee addict

But I guess it's an arresting development

V

But the stains have gone.

V

Today glam sis is here and I am water fasting for a week.

I want to lose at least 5lbs of white blubbery stuff. It's time to let go of that defence mechanism.

It's time to fit back into my beautiful clothes.

It's time to get confidence to be enough and more.

V

One guess who is in the village pub watching England play football?

Oh yes.

WHY?

V

The incident on Wednesday took me by surprise. And I ended up with a major crisis again.

Complete collapse and bed for two days.

This time I went dancing but didn't feel very confident about V. Nightmares too.

I just want this to stop.

V

Big bear hug ((((V)))) It will help keep you safe.

Nobody messes with bears.

So I have another open sore issue.

I am dating but not more than 2 dates and I need and want a sexual thing but not an R.

So looking at the steps I am starting a 30 day course on readiness:

Broadly this

Clear the blocks
Date myself (already do that big time)
Turn on the I am available sign (already on)
Investigate target rich environments
Be positive and outgoing, shine and glow with confidence

So today I signed up for the online course and also booked myself on a flirting course

This is going to change

V

I am going to encourage big shift.

I have my mind set on it. I am going to create an environment which is conduicive to that happening.

V

So today I am fasting and also exercising quite a bit. I may dance.

I had a date booked but he cancelled, so be it, it's dating.

So I am also doing my 30 day meditation and mental clearance challenge. So next 30 days of open sore issues is tackling my mental blocks.

CBT.

V

Would love to hear more about this flirting class!! Good for you!

You continue to amaze me, Lady V. A flirting course and all this dating.......you are just fabulous!

I liked what you said about dating myself. It reminds me of a funny meme I saw the other day on facebook which said something about how I think I've found the one...I'm dating myself and it is going REALLY well. I thought YES! I've been doing this for awhile now without realizing it and it does feel good. I'm not waiting around for men to ask me out, I'm going out and doing things with friends and with Sparky (who does ask me out) and family and just living life. So, dating oneself is a GREAT thing! I highly recommend it.

Thank you Dawn.

I am learning fast.

My 30 day journey what I am learning:

Creating and breaking the barriers to the opposite sex. A barrier is different from a boundary, a barrier is a hurdle to flirting, a boundary is the limitation. It's like having a car and not turning on the engine (barrier) as opposed to driving writhing the speed limit (boundary).

Sometime the peeps here have not opened the garage door or even sat in the drivers seat for a long time even if the co driver is now in another car.

We all have bad driving habits to unlearn but generally here DB tools create better drivers.

------------------------------------------------------

Flirting step 1 comfort with eye contact. I have stopped making eye contact with just about every guy I am attracted to. In fact this creates problems, it's not shyness but guilt or shame. Unworthiness.

Not useful.

So I am practicing eye contact. If others want to try it then there are YouTube practice posts for maintaining eye contact. To begin with it was weird and felt like forever even though it's only 10 sec. That's only the beginning. Eye contact isn't creepy staring it's done with a twinkle. And with men then holding eye contact has to be a minimum of 10 secs in flirting.

-------------------------------------

Completely unrelated I have started to do compound muscle exercises in the gym. Gosh my pull ups are pathetic.

V

I need to have my tires rotated.

Originally Posted by doodler

I need to have my tires rotated.

Easy peasy. Do it yourself. Save a bit of money.

Originally Posted by Dawgs

Originally Posted by doodler

I need to have my tires rotated.

Easy peasy. Do it yourself. Save a bit of money.

The lug nuts are rusty so I'll need help getting them off.

Originally Posted by doodler

Originally Posted by Dawgs

Originally Posted by doodler

I need to have my tires rotated.

Easy peasy. Do it yourself. Save a bit of money.

The lug nuts are rusty so I'll need help getting them off.

If you are serious, get a product called PB Blaster and spray it on the lugs...let is sit long enough to soak. Good stuff.

I've used the PB Blaster and it works beautifully. Dawgs is right...it is good stuff.

Originally Posted by Dawgs

If you are serious, get a product called PB Blaster and spray it on the lugs...let is sit long enough to soak. Good stuff.

So you're suggesting that I soak my nuts and rotate my tires myself?

Originally Posted by job

I've used the PB Blaster and it works beautifully. Dawgs is right...it is good stuff.

There are so many possibilities...

doodler - you are missing the opportunity to get yourself some air tools.

Sorry for the hi-jack V - as usual, it's all doodler's fault

He's being punished right now by having to come up with a new thread title.

One the subject of flirting since I may or may not have been the "flirtee" from time to time - eye contact is definitely good. Just don't go creepy "Overly Attached Girlfriend". A much younger co-worker does that with a disconcertingly direct stare any time she's talking to me, is always enthusiastically happy to see me and ever so grateful for minor things. And has a boyfriend

. One thing that I'm sure you've got down pat even though you might not think of it is posture. Give him a chance to see the goods without obviously flashing them. Lean forward a touch from time to time. Walk away with grace. We're both of an age where I'm sure you've practiced walking with books on your head.

A key thing though is take an interest. Remember what he said the next time. My flower shop lady has the most astounding memory for the oddest things that I've mentioned in passing. She also has the sweetest shy smile that she doesn't use a lot bit it brightens the whole world around her up.

You've commented from time to time about muffin tops and what-not. Real men like curves and don't care what you look like as long as you've obviously put some care and time into your look. I believe you are working on having well fitting clothes.

Originally Posted by doodler

Originally Posted by Dawgs

If you are serious, get a product called PB Blaster and spray it on the lugs...let is sit long enough to soak. Good stuff.

So you're suggesting that I soak my nuts and rotate my tires myself?

Lugs, Doodler, lugs. But yeah, spray them. Now, what else you spray PB Blaster on is your own business. Might make them quite slippery, though

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V