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Open the Floodgates

Posted By: Coconut

Open the Floodgates - 04/24/18 01:21 AM

Previous Thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2781481#Post2781481

There has been a bit of rain in my area the last few weeks, they have had to open the floodgates to the lakes to keep the levels down, which causes the rivers to really pick up the pace and swell from their normal levels.

I spent last week obsessing over gg, I knew I was doing it but had a hard time taking my attention away from her and back to the here and now... I know it's not healthy. One date, a few 2x4's, and a fishing trip with friends later and I'm finally refocusing on myself. It amazes me how therapeutic this forum is for me, just writing everything out helps a little with my perspective, but everyone's input really helps me realize when I'm just being stupid.

Which brings me to my title, Open the Floodgates, as in I want to start putting myself out there (I've said it before but I will try again) and start dating more woman.

I'm going to try and be more aggressive towards dating, I signed back up on OLD and will reach out to anyone I either find attractive, or has an interesting profile, see if I can set up some meets. Following V's lead and advice, I may try and be less passive and try and initiate contact with strangers, see if I can build up the nerve to ask for phone numbers (so far out of my comfort zone but maybe by doing it I will become more comfortable with it).

Looking back through my dating life, all but 2 of my R started out as "friends", I guess one could say that hasn't really worked all that well for me and maybe it's time to try something different.

I haven't talked to gg other than a text that I enjoyed the date, but I'm thinking about reaching out to her today to see if she wants to go to a Cuban restaurant in town tonight or tomorrow. I've got plans all weekend and going out of town next Tuesday for a week, so the only opportunity to see her for almost two weeks will be either today or tomorrow.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/24/18 01:44 AM

In short, my serious advice to you is not to be sucked in by the physical attraction. I see men doing that to me even though we are an awful match. I know men tend to lead with a different a head (I am not saying this insultingly) but awareness is a good thing. Maybe time to deviate away from the petite blondes? Curvy brunettes are fun too!! haha.

If your intention is just a casual fling with GG, then for it. But really be smart and ask yourself why you would want to date someone with so many red flags when you built your life back up and got it on track? Just for physical attraction? You have this great drama free life now and having fun, don't do what got many people to this board in the first place: Ignoring red flags.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/24/18 02:27 AM

message heard Ginger. I really am just looking at gg as short term dating, if she is of the same mindset. I think it would be good for me to date more than 1 woman to keep me from getting too attached. I'm back and forth about reaching out to her today or just waiting until I get back from FL, but either way, if we do go out again I will make it a point to find out what she is looking for. If it's LTR only, then I will end it.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/25/18 01:18 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
I really am just looking at gg as short term dating...


Yep, we all believe that. Just don't meet GG's children; if that happens, life as you know it will be over.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/25/18 08:43 AM

I echo Doodler's sentiment. You got "jealous" before the date even happened. Do you really think you are ready to have a FWB situation? I was in one for someone I cared for, and let me tell you, I wasn't ready for it. I also couldn't do it with someone I really had feelings for.

I am also going to challenge your deep interest in GG. Pretend she is physically unattractive for a second. What else draws you in so much? What about her or your connection would make you want to entertain her with all her red flags? What makes her a good fit for you?

You are a great stage where you can say "nah, not a fit, we will can just hang out in our groups and date someone else.

You are going to meet a lot of women, coconut. You can afford to be picky.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/26/18 01:06 AM


I meet lots of women, I get attention from lots of women and enjoy being with them... But gg is the one that caught my attention, dare I say the only one. I find other woman attractive (gg is not the most attractive), I enjoy my conversations with others, but gg makes me feel excited, alive.. I really don't know why, she just does. I'm hoping as I work my way through this I will find other woman who challenge me, intrigue me like she does.

I haven't talked to gg since our date, a couple of texts back and forth but no real talk, I am doing my best to back off. The other lady I took out to dinner a few weeks back has started texting me a lot, maybe she's heard about gg and I and stepped up her pursuit, I'm not sure, but it is helping me remain distracted from gg.

Anyway, I've got a busy weekend coming up then leave for FL Tuesday after work, so I won't be making plans for a date with gg. The gamer group that I used to go to closed shop, there were a couple of issues that happened so the lady who hosted closed the group. I talked to one of the guys from the gamer group (who joined the singles group to attend my game night) and told him to ask around and see if any of the gamers want to come over to my house Sunday night to play. He knows gg, so it's possible if we have the game night Sunday he may invite her, but other than that possibility it is unlikely I will see her for a few weeks (I'm going camping the weekend after I get back from FL).

I'm thinking about calling up a few girls back home and see if anyone's available to hang out next weekend while I'm in town. Maybe I can have some fun and release some of this built up pressure.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/26/18 05:48 AM

V, I have to give you a lot of credit for initiating communication and asking for phone numbers with multiple strangers a day.. I'm really struggling with it.

Today I went to Chipotle for lunch, when I was almost finished eating a lady, that I would of loved to talk to, came in and got in line. How great it would be, I thought, to go strike up a conversation.. Yeah, it was a great thought, but then I started thinking about making a fool of myself, which would be bad enough if she was alone, but she was in the middle of a pretty big line. I thought about waiting until she got her food and sat down, but I still wasn't sure I would be able to find the nerve, so I left.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to do. With the singles group, I introduce myself to every new person I see, I don't even think about going up to them, starting and holding conversation in that setting, it just comes naturally.

I will keep on trying, hopefully i'll actually be able to take that step soon.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/26/18 05:54 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
V, I have to give you a lot of credit for initiating communication and asking for phone numbers with multiple strangers a day.. I'm really struggling with it.

Today I went to Chipotle for lunch, when I was almost finished eating a lady, that I would of loved to talk to, came in and got in line. How great it would be, I thought, to go strike up a conversation.. Yeah, it was a great thought, but then I started thinking about making a fool of myself, which would be bad enough if she was alone, but she was in the middle of a pretty big line. I thought about waiting until she got her food and sat down, but I still wasn't sure I would be able to find the nerve, so I left.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to do. With the singles group, I introduce myself to every new person I see, I don't even think about going up to them, starting and holding conversation in that setting, it just comes naturally.

I will keep on trying, hopefully i'll actually be able to take that step soon.


I'll let you in on a secret. I wish more guys would do this. Even though the guy in the bookstore wasn't for me, I hive him much props for even trying and I was kind.

Our society is so a$$ backwards now. Text conversation from OLD with the occasional dic pic ain't so creepy, but a guy strikes up a convo with a woman he thinks is cute, and he can be deemed creepy.

I suggest you do it. There might be a woman out there receptive. I know I would be.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/26/18 06:58 AM


Way back when I was in my early twenties, I went to a restaurant lounge with some friends. A super hot chick appeared, so I asked her to dance. We danced and when we were done, she gave me her business card (she was a hair stylist). I didn't even have to ask for her phone number - cool! A couple days later, I went to the place where she worked and asked her out on a date.

We started dating and we eventually went to Hawaii together (that was an awesome trip). About six months after first meeting her, and after the Hawaii trip, I found out that she didn't give me her card because she liked me, she gave me the card because she was trying to build her clientele. Dumb luck, but hey...
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/27/18 02:03 AM

What a woman says she wants and what she actually wants are two totally different things..

I need to change the way I interact on OLD. Since restarting a OLD profile, I've reached out to around 10 ladies. I read their profile, looked at their pictures, and in my messages I referenced things they said or their pics to show that I read their profiles, I told them a little about myself and made the messages personalized.

Last night went out and had a few drinks, after getting home sent three messages, they were short and to the point, one message just said "dayum girl". Now all three of these profiles were the same type as I had been messaging before, Not looking for Hook-ups, want to find a good guy for a LTR, blah blah blah..

So out of all 13 messages, I've gotten 3 replies, 2 of them were from the messages I sent last night. One of the ones from last night, who I said is confused as to what she wants and her words didn't match her pictures (most of her pictures where in a low cut tank top, lots of cleavage and pics taken from above her head looking down) actually messaged me three times (all after I'd gone to bed).

I don't get it.
Posted By: kml

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/27/18 06:57 AM

First of all, three responses out of 13 messages is an excellent response rate..

As for the gal whose pictures don't match her words - just because a woman has bought the societal message that her value is based on her sexiness doesn't mean she's not looking for a LTR. She just might be looking for a sexually fulfilling long term relationship - and wouldn't that be grand?
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/28/18 10:43 AM

So coconut, what is getting in the way?

All you need is some catchy non controversial comment to get you going. If they don't respond, just shrug it off. If they do keep on and respond.

It's not so hard, just stop the script in your head that says "noooooooooo........

Accept that card if she gives it to you, if she says I am taken well it's just pleasantry a flirty way to lightly interact.

I chatted to a guy today in the supermarket about red wine and we had a coffee in the coffee shop. I made a comment to an elderly couple about shopping trolleys having a life of their own and they introduced me to their son who had come to pick them up.

So in the coffee shop, you can joke about the rain diluting the coffee, or the type of cookies on sale. Just a simple opener and watch what happens. It's flirty and pleasant. Get over your fear of the casual remark. Some peeps respond others don't. If they don't back off. One guy had a great jumper, another a sassy sweat shirt. So I said I love your jumper looks great on you, he didn't respond so I backed off with a beaming smile. Who doesn't like to hear they look good?

It's just an opener. It won't hurt you. And in case you think I am an extrovert I am not. Just acting as if for 10 secs.

Can't help on OLD though!

I am strictly a IRL girl.

V
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/28/18 10:49 AM

Oh and I hand over my card to the guy. I have an extra phone with a separate number.

If I get a text then I follow up. If not then it's ok.

V
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/30/18 01:22 AM

thanks V, I know it's all in my head, I shall continue working towards that goal by just conversing at first, without the added pressure of trying to ask for contact info.

Saturday I volunteered at a Teach a Kid to Fish event that a couple of my kayak fishing buddies put on in conjunction with the city. They have been doing it for 14 years, they had 80 kids sign up so they put out the call for help from anyone who wanted to volunteer. The event was about 2 hours from me, but I didn't hesitate to volunteer and I am really happy that I did.

Most of the kids who came to fish (ages 8-15) had never fished before, there were only a few fathers that showed up, most of the kids came with their moms. We broke the kids up into 3 groups and then rotated them through 3 classes that lasted 30 minutes each. The coast guard came and did a water safety class, then we had a Casting a fishing pole class, and I did the how to tie a fishing hook / bait a fishing hook /and remove a fish from a hook. I was impressed with how well organized it was.

In one of my classes, while I was going around helping the kids individually I noticed one of the moms helping a few kids tie the knot and I was impressed (she was the only parent to help in all three classes), then I noticed she had a pocket knife on her and I was intrigued. After the kids went to all three classes fishing started, and the real work began. Within 5 minutes had 2 kids with their lines stuck in a tree, one kid with a birds nest on his reel and two kids who had tangled up with each other. Started putting in some work to get them back fishing ASAP.

After we had been fishing for about 45 minutes the pocket knife carrying - hook tying lady and her son came to my section to fish. I finished tying a few hooks for kids I had lined up and putting bait on them and then went to talk to her. We only talked for about 5 minutes but it was easy conversation and then I had to get back to helping the other kids. After fishing was over, everyone sat down while they started giving away prizes. They had a few tables set up to the side where the volunteers were hanging out and I saw that pocket knife lady was sitting in that area, so I went and sat next to her and we started talking again.

The whole time we were talking I was so disappointed that I met her so far from home and I saw the disappointment in her face when I mentioned to her where I lived. None the less, it gave me hope that I can do this, because I wouldn't of had any issue asking for phone number if I hadn't lived so far away. Her son won one of the grand prizes, a lifetime fishing license, that was pretty cool.

Yesterday I had the game night, about 30 minutes before start time I got a call from gg, her car had stopped running about 5 minutes from my house, she thought she ran out of gas. Long story short, couldn't get the car to start back up so I towed the car to my house and then played games. She got a ride home last night and she said she's going to ask a mechanic from her church to come look at it.

I'm trying really hard not to just save her, it would be easy for me to call a mobile mechanic and have them go take a look at it today and give an estimate. She doesn't have money, barely gets by, so hopefully her friend is able to help, but I live about 35 minutes from the church, it's a long way to travel (and bring tools) to work on someone's car.

I have come back down to earth when it comes to her, I don't think about her much when she's not around, I've been doing my own thing, but I do enjoy spending time with her.
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/30/18 04:33 AM

Coconut you are thinking forever R. V is thinking dating, ad hoc dating.

The occasional meal out with someone you can chat to sounds great to me.

Trouble is the investment before you get to that stage is paralysing you.

Go date, no commitment beyond the date.

Take it easy, you have the skill, get out of your own way.

You got this sewn up.

Go date.

V
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 04/30/18 05:48 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut

I'm trying really hard not to just save her, it would be easy for me to call a mobile mechanic and have them go take a look at it today and give an estimate. She doesn't have money, barely gets by, so hopefully her friend is able to help, but I live about 35 minutes from the church, it's a long way to travel (and bring tools) to work on someone's car.

I have come back down to earth when it comes to her, I don't think about her much when she's not around, I've been doing my own thing, but I do enjoy spending time with her.



I am so glad you caught yourself on this one. I was afraid I was reading along that you would be the rescuer and she is really just a lady in your meet up group you had dinner with.

She is also very capable of calling a mobile mechanic and getting an estimate set up. She's a big girl. Yes, money is tight, but her financial concerns aren't even nearly an ounce of your own.

I hate to say this, but there are women out there who set themselves up to be rescued because there are men out there who are willing to. And they know how to play them.

Ever get to the bottom of your rescuing tendencies?
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/03/18 05:13 AM

To answer your question Ginger, I never even looked into why I have rescuing tendencies, I suspect it may have a lot to do with the NGS, seeing rescuing as a way to earn favor.

As for GG, I kinda ended up helping her more than some would say I should have, but I tried to lay it out as an option and let her ask for it. I told her that if she needed to get her car towed, I had emergency roadside service on my phone and could get it towed for free to a shop if she needed it. She tried to get the mechanic to do it, but they don't have a tow truck, so she asked me if I could get it towed there and I did.. I didn't see this as a big deal as the car was at my house, so I didn't even have to wait by the car for the tow truck, they just called me when they got to my house and I went out and gave them the keys.

Also, I was talking to her on Tuesday and she started mentioning all the places she had to go, and how she'd lined up her ex MIL to take her to all these places. One of the places she mentioned having to go to was where I work (she didn't know), I told her that if she was going to leave there around the time I got off work that she could let her MIL leave and I would bring her home and stop at wherever else she needed to go on the way. She took me up on it, took her to two stores and we also stopped to get smoothies. In all, we were together for about 2 hours, I enjoyed the time and was well worth driving her around a little, even saved me the cost of dinner if it was a date (she paid for her own smoothie).

On another subject, a juicy subject, I met up with the group last night at a restaurant/bar where they were doing musical bingo. The girl that I went to dinner with over a month ago was there. She's been texting me quite a bit lately and sent me a nice fishing shirt a couple of days ago (which I later found out she got for free). Getting the shirt made me a little uncomfortable and then last night she was kind of following me around, I got the feeling that she was really into me and I don't see any R with her (but I do find her very sexy).

Anyway, after parting ways I called her on the way home and told her how I felt about her, she's fun, I enjoy hanging out with her but I'm not interested in pursuing a R with her. Somewhere in there I mentioned that I did find her very sexy and attractive, and the conversation went a totally different way than I expected, and she laid out the opportunity for a FWB situation if I was interested. Normally I would have shot that down quick since I know she has feelings for me, but she lives over an hour away and we don't see each other very often. I don't know where that's going to go, but I must say I enjoy the thought of it.
Posted By: dusty70

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/03/18 06:05 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
Anyway, after parting ways I called her on the way home and told her how I felt about her, she's fun, I enjoy hanging out with her but I'm not interested in pursuing a R with her. Somewhere in there I mentioned that I did find her very sexy and attractive, and the conversation went a totally different way than I expected, and she laid out the opportunity for a FWB situation if I was interested. Normally I would have shot that down quick since I know she has feelings for me, but she lives over an hour away and we don't see each other very often. I don't know where that's going to go, but I must say I enjoy the thought of it.
C Nut..... I just posted on my thread possibly having the same situation. It's funny how we(maybe just me) have some second thoughts regarding finding someone new or just a FWB posibility when my wife had no problem putting herself out there with zero thought of consequences. I guess it's just the mindset and morals that I have. What's wrong with having some fun?? Enjoy yourself!!
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/03/18 07:31 AM

Originally Posted By: dusty70
What's wrong with having some fun?? Enjoy yourself!!


Nothing wrong with it, heck, I need it.. Just want to be sure to keep myself in check, just going to let things happen, not going to start throwing out invites, etc..

So GG just stopped by my office, she was in the building again and wanted to say hi. Yesterday I had text Her about going out Friday, she agreed but said it needed to be near her house because kids would be babysitting themselves. She has a 14 year old, so I thought it was an odd comment, I asked her about it today and she told me the 14yr old wouldn't be home, so it would need to be short. I just told her that we can just do it another time, when it works out better.

Then after some banter, I told her that when we are together it seems to be great, but Something seems off overall and asked her if she is "interested" in me, she quickly replied that she isn't sure. Got the great guy, great catch, but she wasn't really feeling it overall speech. Anyway she said that she wants to keep getting to know me, she knows I'm a great catch and wants to see how things go. I appreciated the honesty, I kind of felt that was the case and it's nice to know I wasn't completely misreading her.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/04/18 05:36 AM

while sitting here thinking about what I wanted to post, or more specifically how I wanted to say it, I was looking at my signature info, realized that tomorrow is 2 years from BD. Those dates hold absolutely no importance to me, other than when I try and tell people how long I've been separated from ex, I never think about any of them. Seems like a different life.

So after posting my previous post, I started thinking about why I asked her if she was into me.. I realized that I used to do similar things after BD, instead of just living in the moment and taking things as they come, I feel the need to "KNOW", to talk about things. She stopped by to see me unexpectedly, and I asked her if she wants to see me, really makes no sense. In the big scheme it really doesn't matter with her and my R, but I need to try to stop analyzing and just live.

There has been some talk about GG needing to be rescued, and that is my fault because I made assumptions about her while I was finding out about her life. I want to say that she has had a tough life (I don't want to get into specifics) that has forced her to live in a homeless shelter with 4 kids while trying to get back on her feet, having medical conditions that prevented her from working (she's looking for work now), heck the condition made her bed ridden for like 1/2 a year, she has to go to multiple medical appts a week, she doesn't have much money and her vehicle isn't very reliable, etc..

She has all that going on, but she handles her own $hit. She doesn't want to ask for help, she told me that she didn't like that I had to rescue her from the side of the road, and she takes care of what she can on her own. She has been taking the bus to get to places she needs to go, except for when her ex MIL and me offered to run her around that day.

Also, she is very mature as far as in looking for a R. We have talked about 5LL's, Gottman, and she explained to me about the importance of Religion to her in finding a LTR partner, and explained about being equally Yoked in a M (which I had never heard the term). She is open to dating someone she doesn't feel attracted to in an attempt to find a deeper bond. All in all, I believe that of all the woman I know, she is the one most likely to find and have a healthy LTR in the future.

In other words, yes she has baggage, but she does what she can to continue moving forward. She's gone through celebrating recovery program (not for addiction), she gets the medical treatment that she needs, she explores new things to challenge herself and find passion in her life, she home schools her kids because the schools around here suck. After everything she has been through, she gets back up, brushes herself off and takes another step.

Personally, I don't think she needs saving.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/04/18 05:48 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
Personally, I don't think she needs saving.


Coconut,

You're not very convincing. frown
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/04/18 06:18 AM

We certainly have some similarities. I usually get a gut feeling and I need to ask questions to confirm it. Like the "are you interested in me" kind of thing. I can easily detect when something is off with someone or they aren't being completely forthcoming and I'll ask what's up, and sometimes it makes me look insecure. I've been working on that.

As far as her needing rescuing. Well, I understand everyone has some sort of baggage at this stage in life, I most certainly do, and it is all in how we carry it. She may not NEED the rescuing, but you have the tendency to do it. So you'll have to check yourself when you try. Being helpful is nice, but doing for others isn't necessary. I am a female rescuer. But I like to take the emotionally broken men and try to heal them, it doesn't work. my exh is case and point.

I am an avid watcher of the show "My 600lb life". I don't know if you have ever seen it, but it documents the weight loss journey's of the super morbidly obese. A common theme in all of these shows is the rescuer. These severely debilitated people are usually married and their spouses married them like that knowing they were signing up for a life of caring for them. When they lose the weight and want to be independent, the spouses usually don't like it, because their rescuer/caregiver role is diminished and they don't know how to truly be a spouse. Some seek therapy to learn how to be a married couple who love eachother but that love is derived from being needed.

There is some psychoanalysis for you. I am very interested in psychology and the dynamic of certain people, couples, ect.

I think one of my biggest hurdles in dating is the not needing anyone but wanting to just enjoy a person. Surprisingly enough, there aren't many relationships based upon that concept.

It is good to look for LTR characteristic, but for now, enjoy dating, doing fun activities with someone else, and a little romance.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/07/18 01:02 AM

when it rains it pours, life can be surreal.

so quick recap -
Tuesday GG came to my office, I learned that she isn't really feeling it but does want to keep seeing each other to see if a deeper connection occurs;

Wednesday I told date girl from a month back that I wasn't interested in pursuing more, she put out a FWB offer;

Thursday, I was contacted by someone on OLD, we communicated Thu and Fri, made a plan to meet for coffee Sat around noon.

So Saturday morning I took a friend to the range, she had never shot a gun so I had offered to take her for her birthday. After the range, I headed over to meet the Lady I met on OLD, i'll call her Lovely.

Lovely is a few years older than me, she is still M (23 yr M, divorce will be final 6/28), but she has lived in a separate state for 3 years, says they lived separate lives for 4 years before that and calls her stbx her best friend. Said they talk twice a day and there is no ill-will there, they just grew apart romantically.

I had reservations before meeting her, she only had one picture online that looked like it had been filtered, and I only saw one other picture of her that was a screenshot of a FB memory. The filtered picture and the "older" picture had me concerned that she was going to look more aged than she was letting onto (my mom looks very young and I would have a hard time dating someone who looked older than her). But it turned out her OLD photo wasn't filtered and she does look very young.

Anyway, we met for coffee and I was very attracted, she is a country girl, grew up in SC, blonde and very very petite, completely my type (camo wearing & outdoorsy to boot). We got along well and before leaving she mentioned not having anything to do that night, so I invited her out for dinner (I was supposed to be in FL so hadn't made plans), and we made it a date.

So there are many red flags, but after my view of GG changing so much, I'm starting to worry that I may just be on the lookout for potential issues and that's causing me to be overly cautious too soon. so i'll get back to the flags after I get to know her better.

I picked her up around 7 Sat night to go to dinner, she was being sarcastic at dinner and made a comment suggesting that if I didn't like the sarcasm I could shut her up, so I kissed her. After dinner we walked around a little then went to my place for some drinks and she stayed over; I took her home yesterday afternoon.

When I looked at my phone in the morning I saw that GG had text'd me around midnight, said she was at a local Irish pub that we've been to, but it would be more fun if I was there too. At the time I didn't put much thought into it, I was happy where and with whom I was with, but now that I've said it here I find myself trying to mind read. 2 years out from BD and I still haven't improved the mind reading skills, but at the very least it feels good to know that she was thinking of me.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/07/18 04:11 AM

Coconut,

Hey man, if nothing else, it sounds like you've got the poontang part of the equation nailed down.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/07/18 04:55 AM

I'm not sure there is even anything else to say after doodler's comment other than LOL.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/08/18 03:50 AM

The poontang part,I am sure, at the very least was very enjoyable, and ummmmm, relieving??

I like to think I know you, even though I don't.....

But would you REALLY be ok with a woman who spoke to her ex-husband twice a day? I am the least jealous person, but I don't think I would be OK with that. Because I do not understand the concept of being "the best of friends" but "losing the romance" Then you should still be married and get that romance back, ya know what I mean?

Hey, enjoy the sexy time. But food for though. I hate to try to sound negative, because there is always SOMETHING, it is a matter of what we can deal with. Can you deal with a girlfriend who is besties with her ex-husband?
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/08/18 03:51 AM

Originally Posted By: doodler
Coconut,

Hey man, if nothing else, it sounds like you've got the poontang part of the equation nailed down.


honestly, I'm definitely thinking with the wrong head on this one.. She's very attractive and I've been intimately lonely, so it has been fun and a stress reliever (even though there was no intercourse).

She came over again last night and ended up staying the night. The physical part is great, neither can keep our hands off the other and although no intercourse I'm pretty satisfied with what there is physically.

But the other part of the R, or whatever this is, scares the crap out of me. We have good conversation when talking during the day, but at night she turns into a completely different person (i have honestly wondered if there are drugs involved). She must have been hurt so many times; she is constantly telling me that I'm going to leave her, just disappear like everyone else. She gets jealous when I mention my girl "friends", she continuously brings up how I have a life and that I'm just gonna keep disappearing to do my own thing (camping/fishing/etc.).

I don't know if co-dependency, low self esteem, jealousy or what, but I don't like it at all. She was supposed to come over again tonight (last night was spur of the moment), but I told her this morning that I think it best we don't see each other again tonight.

I've told her that I can't be responsible for making her happy, I've told her that I want to "date" for awhile to make sure that I'm deciding to be with who is best for/with me, and not just fallow the temporary initial attraction. None of this seems to get through, and I'm frustrated as all get out. I really want to spend time with her, but I think she's too broken and will bring me down. She's mentioned that she's getting older and wants to find the one to settle down and grow old together, but she seems to want to skip the dating part to find out if I'm that one.

She has told me numerous times that it's all up to me, that she is all in and it's up to me if we stop seeing each other, that I have all the power (which is a very big turnoff). I told her that I want a partner, someone equal to me in a R, not less or more than me; she actually replied that she could never be equal to me, she would always be less. UNREAL..

I am meeting a buddy from FL a few hours from my house for a day of fishing tomorrow, then I'm leaving Thursday after work for a weekend camping trip, so I've got some time to refocus and start thinking with the head on my shoulders.

I'll be honest, there have been several times that she's said something that gives me pause, and I am pretty convinced that I've met someone either in or coming out of a MLC, too many things just don't add up, and there is definitely that kinda crazy going on.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/08/18 03:58 AM

Originally Posted By: Ginger1

Hey, enjoy the sexy time. But food for though. I hate to try to sound negative, because there is always SOMETHING, it is a matter of what we can deal with. Can you deal with a girlfriend who is besties with her ex-husband?


nope, actually when she told me that at our initial coffee meet, I almost ended the conversation then. I told her that I wouldn't be ok with that in my life and she quickly said that she doesn't have anyone else in her life so those talks mean a lot to her, to talk with someone that "knows" her, but she would end them if/when she finds someone else to talk to.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/08/18 04:03 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
Originally Posted By: Ginger1

Hey, enjoy the sexy time. But food for though. I hate to try to sound negative, because there is always SOMETHING, it is a meet, I almost ended the conversation then. I told her that I wouldn't be ok with that in my life and she quickly said that she doesn't have anyone else in her life so those talks matter of what we can deal with. Can you deal with a girlfriend who is besties with her ex-husband?


nope, actually when she told me that at our initial coffee mean a lot to her, to talk with someone that "knows" her, but she would end them if/when she finds someone else to talk to.




I didn't get to read your other post, because I gotta go see patient's,

But I call BS on her! She'll drop her BFF ex husband for twice a day talks as soon as she has someone else to talk to?

Sounds like a user or a liar!
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/08/18 05:28 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
I don't know if co-dependency, low self esteem, jealousy or what, but I don't like it at all. She was supposed to come over again tonight (last night was spur of the moment), but I told her this morning that I think it best we don't see each other again tonight.


Coconut,

You've got a Klingon. Alien nooky worked well for Captain Kirk because he could run away to the next planet. You just settled into a new location, job, house and friends; nothing good can come of a Klingon.
Posted By: kml

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/08/18 03:13 PM

Two words:
GET OUT!!!
Posted By: focus22

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/08/18 07:29 PM

And another two for you: red flags.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/09/18 01:05 AM


Two more words: alien nooky
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/09/18 01:32 AM

Oh, now I caught up!!!!

RUN, FOREST, RUN!!!

She's all-in on the second date?!Jealous and clingy? Oh noooooo.

No one knows better than me how I wish I could get the stars to align with the good traits in a person. But there are some things we cannot look past....

This would be one of them.
Posted By: JujuB

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/09/18 03:11 AM

Wow. I hear stories like this from guys all the time. I cant believe there are so many women out there like that!

I agree with everyone else. Ignore the looks and bow out early.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/09/18 07:49 AM

This would have had me running for the hills - in fact it has multiple times in years past. I would have passed on the sleep over - and again I have in years past when getting these vibes. I don't want to scare you here, but you better be prepared, she could stalk you when you cut it off. She could get real crazy and stalk you. Again, it's not my goal to try to scare you but be ready for this. Just everything about this chick is not right. You have to ask yourself WHY. Why is she doing all the things she's already doing? She barely knows you and she's jealous? Staying over on the first date? Now a weekend hookup or ONS is one thing - but they generally don't go down like this. The best thing you may have done was to NOT have intercourse with her. If she will jump you this fast, how many others has she done this with and what has she collected along the way?

Bad vibes, man, just bad vibes - and that's coming through just over the Internet 1,000 miles away. Something tells me you're going to have more stories for us as the rest of this unfolds.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/09/18 08:02 AM

Originally Posted By: DonH
I would have passed on the sleep over...


Wait, wait, wait...she may be crazy, but pass on the 'tang? What guy does that? What guy can do that? It's not possible.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/09/18 08:11 AM

I have to go with what everyone else said....run! Don't walk, don't dawdle, and for the love of all things bright and beautiful, don't lollygag. It frightens me the crazies that are out there, but this one seems to not only be waving big red flags, but seems to be draped in them too.
Posted By: focus22

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/09/18 09:22 AM

Inch gently backwards, and lower yourself slowly below the horizon. Very slowly and in the least dramatic way possible.

If you're lucky, she'll also be dallying with someone else (or have someone else lined up) and be distracted by that.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/09/18 12:11 PM

Originally Posted By: doodler
Wait, wait, wait...she may be crazy, but pass on the 'tang? What guy does that? What guy can do that? It's not possible.


I'm sure this is going to come as a shock to many of you, but I'm just not a typical guy. I've passed on more than I've taken, I would guess. Now, of course this was prior to getting married when I had a lot more to pass on. Not sure if I'd always be able to keep the same high standards now but I've always been a quality over quantity guy. On the plus side, I've never had to regret a bad choice - well okay rarely had to anyhow. I've never had someone bitching and complaining to everyone about what a player I am and how I used her. Never been stalked. I do regret passing on a few but in general I'm good with my decisions - even though many of my guy friends think I'm crazy. I just have standards, even for a hook up, and I just can't seem to lower them. My big head always seems to stay in charge. On the plus side, instead of guys giving me crap about "You slept with that?" if anything I get "How in the heII did you sleep with her"??????
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/13/18 06:50 AM

Happy Mothers Day to all you wonderful moms...

I agree and see all the red flags, crazy attachment issues etc.. I have zero emotional attachment to lovely, but there is a strong sexual desire when it comes to her. she stayed over on wed night (I did not have sex with her) and Thursday she helped me get everything packed for my camp trip and we hung around the house. At some point while laying in bed, I took a picture of us kissing (I didn't have a shirt on, she did but it was sphegetti straps and it looked like she was topless), the pic came out good and she asked me to send it to her. I selected the photo and typed the name and hit send, then while in my pics was showing her my family and got a text from GG saying "um, okay... I'm happy for you".. Ugh, my stomach balled up, I realized when I typed the name, I typed GG instead of lovely. Replied, sry, sent to wrong person, then a few minutes later text her that sending her the pic was not intentional, she didn't respond.

After lovely left, I called gg and we talked. She wasn't upset about the pic, said I'm a grown man and can do what I want, but on the other hand I got the feeling that she was coming on stronger than she had done in the past, kinda like wanting what you can't have.

After talking to gg, I remembered how much I enjoy talking to her, sharing stories, sarcasm, etc, I don't have that with Lovely at all and knew I had to end it.

While driving to the lake fri morning, lovely text me good morning, I replied good morning and that I was going to turn the phone off for the weekend and just enjoy the outdoors and my buddies.. She didn't text me again for the whole weekend, and I'm going to meet her tomorrow near her house and give her some stuff she left here and tell her I don't want to see her again. Hopefully the weekend apart will make it easier on her.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/13/18 01:07 PM

First, thank you!!!

Second, I want to give a disclaimer about what I am about to say. I don't want you to think I am picking on you When I point out some stuff. because I am not. I never think you are ill intentioned in what you do, maybe, too good intentioned. So please take what I have to say in the vein of a little sister who cares.

Taking pictures in bed kissing is NOT a smart idea at all. This is a woman is a total Stage 5 clinger. It hurts you in more ways than one. First is , and honestly I would think this too, "he must be so in to me taking pictures of us kissing in bed! He probably wants to look back on it lovingly when he is missing me"! That's something boyfriend/girlfriends do. Not people who have known each other for a few days and have nothing serious going on. But you do that with a woman who wants something serious, well you ACTION showed her you are thinking of the two of you as a couple. The next thing you know this thing is going to become her profile pic on FB! she will change her relationship status, with PROOF! You were probably better off sending her a picture of your junk without any proof it was you in the pic, you know what I am saying? (don't do that). The weekend apart is going ot make it easier, but your actions with that picture will make it harder. Again, I know you are not ill-intentioned at all and don't mean to hurt anyone, but someone like her, well, she isn't going to take these mixed signals lightly.

As for GG. Well, maybe she realized she really likes you. Or wants what she can't have:) Sick game isn't it? Anyways I hope that oopsie made her realize she does like you that way.

I am glad you had a good weekend with the guys off the grid for a while. I need one of those.....well, with the girls. wait, no, with the guys!
Posted By: kml

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/13/18 01:30 PM

I totally agree with Ginger on this one.
Posted By: focus22

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/13/18 06:54 PM

Just throwing something else for you to think about into the mix as well...

You don't know this person. You don't know what is going on inside her head, what her motivation is, or what she is capable of doing.

That would make me very, very wary.

I know it sounds a bit over dramatic, and chances are everything will be fine. But I wouldn't want to take the gamble.

I remember XH got emotionally entangled with a work colleague (this was a good while ago, a few years before before the PAs). I reckon he was toying with her a little bit, but she considered it to be more (much, much more) than it was. She ended up stalking him for almost a year. I can't begin to describe how stressful it all was. Unbelievably stressful.

She had her own idea, in her own head, about what it all meant and what was going to happen between them. She's be emailing him, texting and calling, even in the middle of the night. And it was constant.

Please don't run the risk of putting yourself in that sort of position. You've got other things to be thinking about in your life, more positive, constructive things that you could be focussing on.
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/13/18 07:59 PM

I am with ginger on it too.

V
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/14/18 12:16 AM

Originally Posted By: kml
I totally agree with Ginger on this one.


Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I am with ginger on it too.

V


I agree with everyone who agrees with me.

Coconut,

Now is the perfect time to compose that country song you've always wanted to write, "Kissin' Crazy and Sendin' Pictures to GG."
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/14/18 05:55 AM

what the he11, I'm with Ginger too smile

Ginger, you underestimate my self confidence and ability to own up to my mistakes, it would take a lot for me to feel picked on. I do think I knew that what I was doing was leading her on, but to be completely honest I wasn't sure I wanted to give up the physical affection (scummy of me, I know). I was completely honest with her with my words, but I will admit that my actions didn't match my words and what I knew needed to happen.

It was a struggle last night not to reach out to her, but I didn't and I will text her in an hour or so to see if we can meet at a park near her house after work so I can give her the stuff and let her know I won't be contacting her anymore.

I'm determined to end this, but that doesn't make it easy to give up someone who I'm so physically attracted to. I will give her props for not contacting me after I told her I was going radio silence on Friday morning, but I will not just assume that means that I misread her and she's not as attached as she showed.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/14/18 07:00 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
what the he11, I'm with Ginger too smile

Ginger, you underestimate my self confidence and ability to own up to my mistakes, it would take a lot for me to feel picked on.


Nah, I think you are and should be self-confident and you own up to your mistakes. I come off as too harsh in my words sometimes and some have felt offended by me, so I like to add my disclaimer, because I don't come from a mean place when I post.

Of course it's hard to lose the physical affection and it sure is tempting. Honestly, if the sex was actually good with Mr. Softee but there was nothing else there, I would have had a harder time. And guys usually dump me, so I don't have to be the one to say no, haha!

Hey, if she didn't reach out, she is probably the type to have available people lined up because of her neediness. I do think she would drop you like a hot potato the moment someone else more available came along, which is what she is after.

You deserve better than that. You'll find it. Look at all the action you get the moment you decide you are ready to date!
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/14/18 07:28 AM

I was talking to one of my girl "friends" about Lovely on my drive to the lake last weekend. She told me that she used to be one of those clingy girls and she said that once I told Lovely I was going off grid for the weekend, Lovely would get on OLD and have someone else lined up by the end of the weekend.

Well, I just text'd lovely asking to meet up after work, she asked me to just call. She started saying that I had time away to think, and after thinking about it didn't want to continue. She told me that it was alright, that a lot happened with her this weekend and she was fine and hoped that we could still talk or hangout occasionally.

I guess the secret to getting rid of a clingy person is just to find a way to remove yourself from the situation for a few days and they will find their own exit path smile Works for me, I was concerned about hurting her and now I don't have to worry about it. Just going to go drop her stuff off after work and wash my hands of that situation.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/14/18 07:33 AM

[quote=Ginger1
Hey, if she didn't reach out, she is probably the type to have available people lined up because of her neediness. I do think she would drop you like a hot potato the moment someone else more available came along, which is what she is after. [/quote]

I posted before I read your reply, but you were spot on too.. I definitely do not want to be with that type of person... I mean, what if I hadn't changed my mind over the weekend.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/14/18 07:51 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
Just going to go drop her stuff off after work and wash my hands of that situation.


We hear you. Just be sure to bring some condoms with you; you'll probably need them.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/18/18 03:10 AM

just going to type, so much going on through my head, tbh, my life is a bit of a whirlwind and is a bit overwhelming.

First, about Lovely, I went to her house after work, she told me that the day I left for camping her ex-boyfriend (3 mth R that ended 2 mths ago) called her, cursed her out (she said something about she knew he needed to let it all out) and they talked and are going to try again. I think she probably called him, but it's fine with me either way, I gave her a hug and said my goodbyes.. not going to lie, kind of missed her for a few days, she was sexy, but moving forward.

GG - after accidently sending the pic of me and lovely to GG, she started coming on much stronger, we have had multiple 2-3 hr conversations this week and are having our 2nd date tonight. We had a 2nd date scheduled a couple of weeks ago but had to cancel, I've spent time with her since 1st date, but not out alone on a "date". Anyway, I'm looking forward to it, her current "status" in life (kids, no job, medical issues, etc) isn't ideally what I would want in a partner, but I really enjoy talking to her, spending time with her and appreciate what she does bring to the table. More on her in a minute.

First Date girl - the lady I went out with about a month ago or so on my first date, that when I told her I didn't want to pursue more she offered with FWB sitch... Well, we text back and forth occasionally, usually her reaching out to me, is coming to my house tomorrow night for a game night I'm having (with gaming group). We haven't really discussed situation as she just told me last night that she could make it while I was out eating with some friends, but since she lives over an hour away and game night ends at 1am, I'm sure she is planning on staying over. I'm really struggling with what I want here, but I am leaning more towards to telling her ahead of time that I am no longer interested in FWB, which is how my gut is leaning. I'm getting so much attention from woman that I worry about how I'm going to feel about myself if I start getting physical with them when I don't have feelings, while dating woman I have feelings for but aren't physical. I need to think on this.

Last night I asked the singles group if anyone wanted to join me for dinner and I had 3 ladies respond and show up. 1 of them is one of my friends and just came to socialize, but the other two were going back and forth trying to gain my attention. It feels really good to be in such a good place that people really want to spend time with me, but it's getting a bit overwhelming to have so many woman trying to gain my affection at once. Good problem to have, I know.

So back to GG. During one of our conversations we talked about Religion, she is religious and wants that in a man if she was to marry again. She told me about the concept of being equally yoked in a R, I had never heard the term so she explained a little bit of what it meant to a M to be equally yoked. I'm not going to lie, it really caught my attention in a positive way. I did some research on it later, watched videos of sermons and testimonials about equally yoked relations ships and I've decided to start attending a church by my house to see how it feels. Although it probably seems like it, I'm not doing this for GG, I'm doing it for me. My exposure to religion has been very minimal in my life, I want to expand that part of me, and the idea of eventually ending up in a LTR with someone of faith is appealing to me.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/18/18 11:51 PM

Oh dang, I've been friend zoned by GG... Someone recently said to me that rejection is gods protection, so probably a good thing that I can open my heart to someone else, because it has always favored her.

I guess the recent friendliness she showed came from feeling safe to be friendlier to me since the pictures I sent showed I was seeing others and wouldn't become too infatuated towards her. She didn't say, just my guess. Said again that she wished she did feel differently, but just doesn't.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/20/18 07:48 AM

Sorry, C-nut. There will be a woman out there that feels as strongly for you as you do them.

I had a guy I had dated and he did decide that something was missing for him. He didn't feel the same way about me and I did him. We kept up some sort of FWB intermittently for years when I realized how much worse I felt after. I just really wanted to be with someone who felt the same way about me, as I do about them. So I stopped putting myself in that position.

Got to say, for the short time you have been dating, you sure are getting a lot of action. So the odds are pretty good sooner, rather than later, you'll find someone on even, healthy ground with you.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/22/18 05:41 AM

thanks G, I know that i'll be alright, just that sometimes when I'm home alone, I wish I had that someone right here and now.. However, many other times I find joy in being on my own, so I guess it just depends what day you catch me.

As for yesterday and today, definitely Bleh days... Said farewell to Lovely on Monday, confirmed friend zone with GG on Friday, and FWB girl came to my game night Saturday night, she drove 1 1/2 hrs to my house, and then after being there for only a couple of hours said goodbye to me and drove home.

I was struggling on if I wanted to have sex with her thinking she was definitely planning on staying over, but she didn't even stay. I was fine with that at the time, but yesterday found myself feeling like I lost 3 girls in one week. I'm just taking this week to reset, I'm not making any plans to go out and instead am going to spend some me time and re-center.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/22/18 12:21 PM

I know what you are saying.....

But you didn't actually lose anyone. You lost potential people, not people you already had.....

I am afraid they call this sick game "dating"

A week to reset is a good idea. I have taken a few weeks. Probably will end up being a few months.

I think once you recenter, however, you'll be back in the "game"
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/23/18 04:15 AM

Had a lady reach out to me yesterday, she commented on a picture I posted on a fishing app that I use to post fish caught. Anyway, it sent me an email with her comment but not the picture it was posted on, she had asked where and what bait I caught the fish on and gave me her phone number to respond to.

I assumed that the comment was made on an almost 7 lb bass that I had caught so I answered as such and made the comment that it was my personal best bass and I had caught it my first day in NC. We got to chatting and she asked me to take her out fishing sometime, so that was cool.

Anyway, I just went onto the app since I hadn't been on it in awhile to see the pic that she commented on and it turns out she didn't comment on my big bass. She commented on my first catch on the local river, I only posted the pic because it was my first catch on that river and the fish was only about 6 inches long, the lure is almost as big as the fish in the picture. haha, she must of liked my look in the picture because I'm guessing the size of the fish didn't impress her much.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/23/18 05:35 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
it turns out she didn't comment on my big bass.
How many of us are waiting for doodler to read this laugh
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/23/18 06:36 AM


It's been a long time since I've had a good piece of bass. Tonight it'll be meatloaf, yet again.
Posted By: dusty70

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/24/18 02:23 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
just that sometimes when I'm home alone, I wish I had that someone right here and now.. However, many other times I find joy in being on my own, so I guess it just depends what day you catch me.
C-Nut..... This is were i'm at probably way too much. When my kids are with the X I'm fine for the first couple days but by the forth and fifth day without them I struggle. Need to pick up a new hobby.
Originally Posted By: Coconut
I was fine with that at the time, but yesterday found myself feeling like I lost 3 girls in one week. I'm just taking this week to reset, I'm not making any plans to go out and instead am going to spend some me time and re-center.
I did meet a woman, went on a few dates and had a real good time. I then realized as much as I wanted to continue I wasn't ready to invest the time needed to get to know her better. Once I let her know my feelings she understood but now I find myself feeling down not talking to her anymore. Like you said, need to spend some me time and re-center.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/25/18 07:11 AM

Originally Posted By: dusty70
I did meet a woman, went on a few dates and had a real good time. I then realized as much as I wanted to continue I wasn't ready to invest the time needed to get to know her better. Once I let her know my feelings she understood but now I find myself feeling down not talking to her anymore. Like you said, need to spend some me time and re-center.

Dusty, don't feel like you need to rush, your BD is still pretty new and physical separation just 6 months. I know they say everyone moves on at different speeds, but I didn't even think about dating for about 15 months after physical separation.. You'll get there, and you met someone you liked right off the bat, so I'm sure that gives you a positive outlook for what's to come when you are ready.


As for me, I guess I didn't just focus on me for a week. Initially when GG told me she didn't have romantic feelings for me she said that she would like to still hang out, that I was a lot of fun and she enjoyed spending time with me; I immediately said we will still see each other around (hang out in two of the same groups) but that I didn't want to continue hanging out with just the two of us. Well after thinking about it, hanging out with someone that I am attracted to might be what I need, I enjoy talking and laughing with her and spending time with her does fill an emotional void.

Last week I signed up for a meditation class that was taking place last night, so yesterday afternoon I asked if she would join me; I picked her up and we went to the class (her car is still broken), enjoyed the meditation class then I stopped on the way back to her house to pick up some Cuban food for dinner and I bought her a Cuban sandwich and croquettes to try since she never had Cuban food before. I dropped her off at home with her food and went on my way.

In a way spending time with her makes me feel like I have someone in my life who knows and loves me... I know she doesn't love me, but she gets me, she cares about me and we get along great, it just fulfills that desire to be around someone who cares. I think it will also help when I meet someone else that I care about, help me keep the pressure off the new person and just enjoy that R for what it is without feeling like I need to feel loved. I'm really not sure if this is making sense, but it's how I feel.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 05/25/18 01:22 PM

There is nothing wrong having a female friend you enjoying doing stuff with. But promise yourself that when it doesn't feel good anymore because you find yourself wanting more from her but she can't give it. That will be the right time to cut it off.

I had that kind of R. except it was sexual. We enjoyed eachother's company, were very attracted to eachother, but there was something "missing" for him. I had hoped he would come around, but he never did. And it began to hurt more than it felt good, and that's when I finally had to end it. he is in a happy long term R now..... sometimes it still stings that I wasn't good enough.... I vowed not to put myself in that position again. It really sukked. Shot the self esteem.

There was one other guy in my life who claimed to love me aside from my exH. I do believe he did on some level. But I wasn't convienient and he dropped me when he had the next one waiting in the wings..... he's been with her ever since, and he's put a deposit on " shut her up" ring......

Just remember to keep your value and self-respect, because that's all we really have at the end of the day.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 12:51 AM

haven't updated in a bit, gonna try and keep this short.

After telling me 2 months ago that me and my family were welcome to come to the graduation celebration my ex was going to have for my son, she told me a week before I went down that she wasn't going to do anything that weekend so I could plan something with him. With only a weeks notice, decided just to do dinner with family and any friends he wanted to invite, so I set something up for graduation night. Then he asked me a couple of days later if we could do it the next night instead, I was fine with whatever worked best for him so I adjusted the plans. Then my family started getting invites from my ex to some sort of event going on the night after graduation, I never got one so I'm not sure what it was and I didn't ask.

On the flight down to FL I sat next to a very attractive lady, we talked the entire flight. She lives about an hour from me, but she's moving to VA in a few weeks to complete her last fellowship for medical school, and was going to FL to have a bachelorette party for her older sister. She kept asking what I was doing Saturday night and I think she was trying to get me to meet up, but I had a lot of plans with friends and family so I didn't pursue that as an option. She was intelligent, hot, very friendly, but probably only around 28, and an hour and a half from me. sigh, if only 10 years older and I would of been in heaven.

Son graduated with 4.6gpa, he lettered in wrestling all 4 years, was athlete of the year in 11th and 12th grade, and is going on to a university. Very proud dad.

Weekend was fun, I felt like a tourist and spent a lot of time around the ocean, breakfast on Ft. Lauderdale beach, Lunch on a pier in Dania, and surrounded by friends and family the whole weekend. Makes coming back home to an empty house and no family for many hundreds of miles feel kinda lonely. But I love it here and won't give up what I love, just gotta build my life back up here.

been spending a little time with GG, don't have the attraction to her that I used to, but I do still enjoy talking with her, I think she will likely turn into the best friend I have in the area. I haven't tried to meet anyone new yet, just been doing my thing and I'm good with that for now. more later, need to get to a morning meeting.
Posted By: JRuss

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 02:08 AM

How old are you? 1/2 your age, plus 7 years is the rule of thumb, so if you're 42 or younger, game on.
Posted By: Maika

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 02:18 AM

Haha! where did you come up with that equation JRuss?
Posted By: DonH

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 04:25 AM

Originally Posted By: JRuss
How old are you? 1/2 your age, plus 7 years is the rule of thumb, so if you're 42 or younger, game on.


I think that goes right along with "it's not cheating if you're at least 150 miles away from home." Or is that 50 miles, I can't remember.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 05:46 AM

It is a known fact that that equation is socially acceptable.

Don, you are way too up tight my friend.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 08:27 AM

I'm 45, so using that equation, my youngest age to date would be 29... Look, don't get me wrong, I would jump on the chance to date a 29yo, but the fact is that I am a young 45 and I seriously doubt there is any 29 year old woman at the same place in life as I am. I mean, I'm in low double digits left until I can retire with full pension, she is basically still in school and has been for her whole life. I don't want kids, most 29yo are probably saying some day to that question..

so long and short, sure I would date a 29yo, that's a very sexy age group, but would I expect to have any long term connection, do I think I could keep up with a 29yo for the next 10-15 yrs, seriously doubt it..
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 08:40 AM

Originally Posted By: DonH
Originally Posted By: JRuss
How old are you? 1/2 your age, plus 7 years is the rule of thumb, so if you're 42 or younger, game on.


I think that goes right along with "it's not cheating if you're at least 150 miles away from home." Or is that 50 miles, I can't remember.


interesting, previously unheard "rule". cool

As a woman who dated a significantly younger man - it actually embarrassed me at times. He was witty and smart and attractive, but...

I Felt like it looked too insecure on my end, like I could not handle a real man or a mature r, so I had to rob the cradle and prove something. Also, I hate looking like a cliche.

There is an odd power dynamic to dating much younger people, too. I guess I did not feel as if I was ALL IN.

Just thinking out loud.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 08:51 AM

Oh hey, so that equation applies to both sexes, right?

OR is this one of those "how attractive men HOPE others see themselves as"...??? wink

The downside of me dating much older is that there are fewer men in their late 60's who can travel and hike and be as active as I am.

There are some, but the pickings are slimmer. Assuming they are healthy, I prefer an older man in some ways.

And As Coconut points out however, the childbearing issue for either sex is a factor.

A 39 y/o I dated was not sure if he wanted kids, but very much wanted to keep dating me. I explained more than I should have needed to, that it was not an option for me.

WTF? I don't want denying him fatherhood on my conscience, and I don't want to invest much time in someone who will need to leave the R to become a father, eventually.

Another turn off for ME was that he was a guy who had still not decided this at his age.

A 50 y/o guy listed in his profile that he was not sure either, and he called me. But I told him that there was not a reason to date if that was on the table for him. He said he never married b/c he did not think the women he dated would have been good moms...

What??

So he could not marry any of the women he dated - due to HIS opinion of them as potential moms, (never mind HIS parenting talents,)

BUT he still does not know IF he wants kids...Um -wow, to me that is a man who is permanently confused at some level.

No thanks.

But, I digress.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 09:13 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
so long and short, sure I would date a 29yo, that's a very sexy age group, but would I expect to have any long term connection, do I think I could keep up with a 29yo for the next 10-15 yrs, seriously doubt it..


Why does there have to be a long term connection?
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 09:18 AM

Sorry to insert myself here but the 39 y/o asked me why I wasn't going to "at least keep dating"...

even though I'm not ready to remarry and might not ever be, I don't want to waste time on something that is never going to be "all in" at some point in some form.

life is short and I'm active and look younger than my age, as of NOW...

After maybe 5 fun dates, if there's no way I'm going to stick with this person, why keep dating? Seems like By spending my time & energy with the "never going to be permanent guy", I'm losing opportunities to meet a man with whom I could find lasting love.

I'm asking.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 09:46 AM

My dad and his wife have a 17 year age difference. I believe they were the same ages as you and this woman. They have been married for 16 years or something like that. She did have to accept she wasn't having any children, though. My dad has been retired for 10 years, too. She will retire in 3.

it can work if you are in similar places in life. But really, if she wants kids, it isn't going anywhere.

Never did I know there was an equation to this!
Posted By: kml

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 09:56 AM

Quote:
Seems like By spending my time & energy with the "never going to be permanent guy", I'm losing opportunities to meet a man with whom I could find lasting love.


25 - agreed. But if you're in the time and space where you're NOT looking for that, it can be fun.

I do think absolute age is less important than state in life. I agree that a young person who wants (or might want) to have kids is not a match for someone who is done with that. I frankly wouldn't want to date a guy my age who had grade-school age kids. And at my age, the opposite end of things is also true - I don't want to date a guy who is on his last legs health-wise when I have great genetics and the likely prospect of a long healthy life. (My mom is 86 and still works three days a week. ) So I wouldn't likely date a guy too much older than me unless he was Jack LaLanne.
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 02:30 PM

Or Liam for me.

I hear he is taken. So I am moving on to a new crush.

V
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 03:36 PM

V,

my Liam fantasy was also, MOST disappointed, even though I admit to being glad for him...(but still!)

Yes, the children thing is smart on our end b/c who wants to feel guilty later on OR worried we are resented...?

I've had enough of that.

I heard a great phrase from a stunning though older, widow, that pretty much sums up my gestalt of all the fears down to a sentence:

Don't date someone who wants a nurse, or a purse.

The guys who talk about their age (especially if they're only a few years older than me! "Hey, speak for yourself") are just a turn off. I don't want to live with someone who thinks he's on the downward slide to death, and just wants company for the plunge.

Nor a nurse to care for him for decades.

NOR do I want someone who assumes I'm rich and can support him. Self reliance is valuable to me in a man.

I want don't require or worship money.

Never have.

So gentlemen, is this something men fear as well? That you are sort of (or outright) being used?

And yes, I concede you may not be fully representative of ALL men, but hey, close enough!
Posted By: focus22

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 06:30 PM

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc


So gentlemen, is this something men fear as well? That you are sort of (or outright) being used?

And yes, I concede you may not be fully representative of ALL men, but hey, close enough!


Hello

Not a man : o) but I think this is something that probably comes up a lot.

In my (limited) experience of dating post M, one man used this to his advantage: the fact that he had a regular wage, property, and earned much, much more than me. Like that made him a good prospect (and a good prospect for M). He paid for pretty much everything, took me out a lot, took me on holiday...

Was that attractive? Not for me, for a couple of reasons. I like to know and feel independent, and he was very controlling as well.

The wonderful man I'm with? We had an interesting conversation...I asked him what had attracted him to me, and one of the reasons he gave was that I was very genuine and wasn't looking for a free lunch. I know he doesn't like manipulative people, or artifice, and he's attracted to women who are their own person.
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/06/18 10:01 PM

I just date so essentially it doesn't matter at all. I think you can date someone just for now.

I like Dawn's attitude on it, play the field be open.

So I haven't even thought about it.

V
Posted By: DonH

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/07/18 08:20 AM

Originally Posted By: LH19
Don, you are way too up tight my friend.


Or you missed my attempt at sarcastic humor - one of the two. smile
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/08/18 12:49 AM


Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

So gentlemen, is this something men fear as well? That you are sort of (or outright) being used?


For the most part I don't really think of it, while I am comfortable and have enough money to enjoy life, I don't think I have the level of income that would attract someone only out for the money. I am a Man, and want to be able to provide, so I don't have a problem with that.. Also, I'm not attracted to high maintenance girls, so that automatically takes many of that materialistic type out of my dating pool. I want a girl who likes to get dirty, not one that has to get made up to go kayaking.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/08/18 12:51 AM

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

even though I'm not ready to remarry and might not ever be, I don't want to waste time on something that is never going to be "all in" at some point in some form.


I agree, as I'm going through this, the idea of casual dating is becoming less and less appealing, I'm more interested in dating with a purpose.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/22/18 05:30 AM

Wow dude, it's been several weeks since you've updated. I know I've saw you commenting on other threads, but what about you? What's new? Any recent dates to report on? How are the meet ups going? Hope you'll give us all an update!
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/22/18 12:18 PM

Ha, hadn't realized its been that long, I'll update when I get back to work next week, don't like typing long posts on my iPad. Things are good, living a good life, still stop bye almost daily to read updates and comment when moved to do so.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/25/18 01:24 AM

Things have been good with me, I still hang out with the singles group, but I've only been going to one meet-up every two weeks or so, most of the time I just hang out with friends from the group outside of "official" meet-ups. Going out with the group is fun, but constantly trying to get to know new people isn't as much fun as just hanging out with friends. I also joined a meditation meet-up group and it's fantastic. So much positive energy with that group, every time I go I leave feeling so rejuvenated.

I was starting to feel like dating was becoming an obsession with me, so I stopped trying to find someone to date and just started enjoying the people I was spending time with.

I've been spending a good amount of time with GG, I no longer have any romantic feelings towards her but we get along really well and I just enjoy hanging out with her. She knows that my Dad has passed and that my son is in FL, so she asked me to spend Fathers Day with her. We went kayaking on a river in town that I had never been on and then went out for Dinner. It was her first time kayaking and she did really well, the river we went on was really small (like 20 feet wide and most of it 1 or 2 feet deep) and there were a lot of obstacles (trees and rocks) and she only got hung up twice and didn't flip.

At one point I used my paddle to splash her with water, I accidently splashed way more water than I intended and soaked her; I immediately tensed and realized that it was because my ex would freak out on me if I had done that to her, but GG busted out laughing and immediately started splashing me back.. I don't think GG would of even cared if I had flipped her kayak (except it was too shallow), and I realized that I definitely want a girl that isn't afraid to just have fun, even if it means getting dirty.

I'm loving my house, I've been living in it for about 3 months now, and it fits me very well. I'm still learning to cook with gas, definitely a learning curve there because of how much hotter it is than an electric stove. My buddy who stayed over with his family last month showed me a trick, to stack the metal grates on top of each other to raise the pot further from the flame and that's really helped when you need less heat (even the lowest setting on the smallest burner would boil water, so simmering something was impossible). My biggest challenge is with the yard, it's almost 3/4 of an acre, it has lots of mature pine trees and a few oak trees, so with all the shade there are parts of the yard where grass doesn't grow. The previous owner also had a large section on the side of the back yard that was used as kind of like a flower bed, but it's like 20 feet wide and like 40 or 50 feet long (runs along neighbors fence) that has no grass and is growing a lot of weeds. It's a challenge to mow cause a lot of dirt blows up... anyway, I prefer a natural landscape to a manicured lawn, so I'm going to try and learn about naturescapes (I think is what is called). I'm not familiar with any of the plants that grow here in NC (I always used tropical plants back in FL), but I'm hoping to find some plants that I can use as groundcover over very large areas of the yard (just something to keep the weeds from growing).

My mom, brother, two nieces and my son are coming for a visit the week of 4th of July. I've gotten so used to living alone that the thought of having 5 other people there for a week is kind of stressful, but I'm really looking forward to the visit. My son will be heading off to College in about a month, so not sure If he will be coming up for anymore visits after this, it's more likely that he will go back home during breaks and I'll visit him down there, so I'm excited for him to at least get to see my place.

ok, need to get back to work, so that's all folks.. for now
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/25/18 01:31 AM

forgot to mention, I have been looking into the KETO way of eating (high protein, low carb) and am thinking I may shift my eating habits to that way of eating. I don't eat many carbs anyway, but it will require stopping the sugar in my coffee (which I love) as well as taking milk out of my diet. Those are the only two things I really care about. But my sister and brother in law eat KETO and love it, actually during my visit a few weeks back, they wouldn't shut up about it.

Also, ever hear of Sous Vide? I recently started cooking Sous Vide, I'm having fun experimenting with it and it compliments my grills very well. It's biggest claim to fame is taking a cheap piece of meat and making it very tender (some meats you cook for up to 48 hours) and it doesn't overcook anything, keeps it at the perfect temps. All the meat i've cooked so far has come out fantastic.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/25/18 01:56 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
My biggest challenge is with the yard, it's almost 3/4 of an acre, it has lots of mature pine trees and a few oak trees, so with all the shade there are parts of the yard where grass doesn't grow. The previous owner also had a large section on the side of the back yard that was used as kind of like a flower bed, but it's like 20 feet wide and like 40 or 50 feet long (runs along neighbors fence) that has no grass and is growing a lot of weeds. It's a challenge to mow cause a lot of dirt blows up... anyway, I prefer a natural landscape to a manicured lawn, so I'm going to try and learn about naturescapes (I think is what is called).


Coconut,

I have some of the same yard issues. I have a lot of shade in my front yard and backyard. My backyard is mostly natural, but I'd like to make it more of a lush garden; not necessarily manicured, but lush with a variety of plants (and a gazebo).

I've found a lot of interesting gardening and yard info on YouTube. One of my current favorite channels is "Garden Answer." It's a husband-wife team; the husband is the cameraman and the wife narrates. They have some really good garden tours that I enjoy watching. Something else I'm researching is natural ponds/pools. I'd like to have a water feature (not a tiny pool of water), but I want something that looks natural rather than having the typical pool.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 06/29/18 02:04 AM

thanks for the suggestion D, I've starting watching the Garden Answer segments and have enjoyed them. Watching Laura kind of reminds me of the first time I saw Rachel Ray cooking on TV, great personality and I enjoy the short stories that she diverges into about the history of the plants while showing them, similar to Rachel's stories about her recipes.

While I initially thought it would be a waste of time since they are in OR and I'd be surprised if many of those plants would work in my area (although I don't know that for sure it is a lot warmer here), the garden tours have opened my eyes to the benefit of breaking up my yard into smaller "rooms" with plantings..

So it will be helpful to be thinking about that as I start my initial plantings, maybe i'll even sketch out a rough plan for the back yard, and identify good areas to have "rooms".
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/09/18 06:09 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
My mom, brother, two nieces and my son are coming for a visit the week of 4th of July. I've gotten so used to living alone that the thought of having 5 other people there for a week is kind of stressful, but I'm really looking forward to the visit. My son will be heading off to College in about a month, so not sure If he will be coming up for anymore visits after this, it's more likely that he will go back home during breaks and I'll visit him down there, so I'm excited for him to at least get to see my place.


So the family is gone frown My mom, brother and nieces left Friday morning to drive home, and my son stayed until Sunday. It's funny that as much as I enjoy having people over and love spending time with my family, I really was anxious about going from living alone to having 5 other people in the house, not really sure why but I was. Anyway, it was great, I forgot how much I missed always having things going on in the house, always having people around to talk and laugh with.

We had a really great time, I avoided the normal touristy type things and opted to show them how I live, so we spent a lot of time on the water. I took them kayaking down the river that I went to with GG, and that was great. We had the river to ourselves, and it was the first time that my nieces had kayaked by themselves, and while they were nervous they did great. I took them to a bigger river that is real low right now, so we waded in the river and played in the rapids, we were actually able to find a couple of "chutes" in the rapids that we were able to ride like a water slide,my brother, my son and I ventured across the river (it's about 200 feet across) and basically just went exploring the other side of the river. Playing in a river like that is something that none of them had ever done before and everyone really enjoyed themselves, it was nice to be able to share that experience with them.

After the rest of my family left, my son and I had some time to ourselves, and it was a real bonding experience. We had some pretty deep heart to heart talks, he told me how much he misses and loves me, that he is so happy to see me doing so well and told me that he didn't want there to be any confusion, and that in every way to him, I am his Dad.. He is also having R issues, which I believe stem from his g-friend being upset that he is about to move away for school (they talked about trying long distance), so I talked to him a little about boundaries and validation.

It was just an awesome week and I couldn't of asked for more.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/09/18 07:36 AM

Originally Posted By: Coconut
After the rest of my family left, my son and I had some time to ourselves, and it was a real bonding experience. We had some pretty deep heart to heart talks, he told me how much he misses and loves me, that he is so happy to see me doing so well and told me that he didn't want there to be any confusion, and that in every way to him, I am his Dad...


That's awesome!
Posted By: neffer

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/09/18 11:03 PM

Originally Posted By: Coconut


After the rest of my family left, my son and I had some time to ourselves, and it was a real bonding experience. We had some pretty deep heart to heart talks, he told me how much he misses and loves me, that he is so happy to see me doing so well and told me that he didn't want there to be any confusion, and that in every way to him, I am his Dad.. He is also having R issues, which I believe stem from his g-friend being upset that he is about to move away for school (they talked about trying long distance), so I talked to him a little about boundaries and validation.


And that is awesome too, Coconut, being there for your son. Great!
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/21/18 05:30 PM

Lovely has popped back up in my life, she started texting me a couple of days ago and just let me know that her "BF" is talking about breaking up and reuniting his family (an ex gf with his child).. I must be insane, but I think I just may follow that path for awhile. Truth is, I don't have any interest in "letting someone in" right now, no desire to find someone who meshes well with me. I have no feeling of Love towards lovely, but the sexual chemistry is extreme, and quite honestly I feel like that's what I want for right now.. Bad idea, yup, but will be / should be fun..
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/22/18 07:01 PM

It's dating.

V
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/22/18 09:31 PM

Just dating, I guess you could call it that, but in this case it's just sex, cause there really isn't any thing else drawing me in.. But that's ok, because when something is really good, and everything else is just "acceptable", at least it's clear what's going on.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/23/18 01:24 AM

A friend of mine just came to pick up her dog that I've been watching since Thursday, same friend that will be watching Tink (my dog) for 2 weeks when I go to Alaska with my mom next month... Her dog is an Australian shepherd, a breed that I've heard is one of the smartest, albeit seems a bit high strung in my opinion.. In fact my friend brought a prescription of doggie valium in case she gets to wound up.. Well, overall they got along fine, altough I brlieve that is only cause Tink (my dog) just doesn't give a f, kinda like her owner.. Morgan, the Aussie, was constantly body blocking Tink to keep her away from me, but Tink had the confidence to know how I felt about her to just go with the flow. She just laid down to sleep where it was comfy to do so, not worried about getting to her "normal spots".

I have got to give credit to Tink, she didn't value herself based on where she was able to easily rest her head, she just rested her head where she was comfortable, knowing that it didn't deminish her value based on her proximity to me.. Because I love my dog I stepped in to remind the Aussie who the alpha is on occasion, it was interesting to see the dynamics going on between the two dogs (Morgan outweighs Tink by 15-20 lbs)..
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/23/18 02:34 PM

Tap that a$$ C-nut....

I am so crude......
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/23/18 05:46 PM

Just saying thank you

V
Posted By: focus22

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/24/18 07:22 AM

Originally Posted by Coconut
A friend of mine just came to pick up her dog that I've been watching since Thursday, same friend that will be watching Tink (my dog) for 2 weeks when I go to Alaska with my mom next month... Her dog is an Australian shepherd, a breed that I've heard is one of the smartest, albeit seems a bit high strung in my opinion.. In fact my friend brought a prescription of doggie valium in case she gets to wound up.. Well, overall they got along fine, altough I brlieve that is only cause Tink (my dog) just doesn't give a f, kinda like her owner.. Morgan, the Aussie, was constantly body blocking Tink to keep her away from me, but Tink had the confidence to know how I felt about her to just go with the flow. She just laid down to sleep where it was comfy to do so, not worried about getting to her "normal spots".

I have got to give credit to Tink, she didn't value herself based on where she was able to easily rest her head, she just rested her head where she was comfortable, knowing that it didn't deminish her value based on her proximity to me.. Because I love my dog I stepped in to remind the Aussie who the alpha is on occasion, it was interesting to see the dynamics going on between the two dogs (Morgan outweighs Tink by 15-20 lbs)..


OMG, love, love, love this!


Have fun dating!!
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/25/18 01:58 PM


I mentioned awhile ago that I was looking into the KETO way of eating, basically it's a high fat / moderate protein / low carb way of eating. When eating KETO, you basically do two things, don't eat anything that your body processes into carb energy (i.e. sugar) and track your macros to make sure you get the nutrients your body needs (protein) and don't eat more than your body needs (fat) and limit carbs (did you know onions are high in carbs?).

I've been transitioning slowly, because the key to KETO is getting into a ketosis state (where your body burns fat for energy instead of carbs), and there are a lot of ingredients that can take you out of ketosis, things that you wouldn't expect (such as sugar in spice mixes, preservatives) so you really need to research most groceries you buy. It's been an amazing learning experience for me so far. I started with breakfast, which for the most part is easy cause I really like bacon, sausage and eggs, but I took time to figure out new breakfast recipes to make, buy oils, spices, etc that were KETO friendly. I then moved to lunch, which took a little time to figure out things to make that are convenient enough to grab and go on the way to work, snacks, etc. Now I've moved to dinner.

I am becoming a better cook than I ever though I would be. I have always enjoyed barbecuing, whether it be grilling, low and slow indirect heat or smoking. I know a lot about bar-b-q and it's been a hobby for quite awhile (I have 6 grills), but I always struggled when I would try and cook a new recipe in the kitchen, I would read something that I just didn't understand, like when they would say to blanch something. But now, I'm making my own mayo (which is very easy and you can leave out preservatives, etc), blending my own spice mixes (like taco seasoning, pot roast seasonings, etc), and just really enjoying learning new ways and things to cook. I picked up an instant pot during prime day, so been learning to cook with that as well (it was actually intimidating to use the first time). So now I am trying new foods/recipes and cooking multiple ways (sous vide, instant pot, grills, crock pot, gas stove).

I learned yesterday that you can use cauliflower to use as a rice and a mashed potatoes substitute, I haven't tried it yet (coming soon), and that you can use radishes to replace whole or cut potatoes, seems crazy but people claim that they taste pretty similar to potatoes. The thing is, I'm not doing this as a diet, I'm doing this to eat healthier, so I'm really putting in the work to understand the principles, find new recipes that are tasty and ways to cook the recipes that are convenient, and fast when needed (the pressure cooker cooks really fast). So far, I'm pretty pleased with how it's going.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/25/18 02:17 PM

Ah, so you are doing Keto! I just cut the carbs and sugar, but I am not completely doing keto right now. I am doing it as a way of life too, to detox a bit. And to lose the 10lbs I put on. plus some. But to lose the weight to be healthier.

I know many people have been successful in that way of living, but it is kind of confusing trying to get the right amounts of fats and "macros". I also refuse to give up my wine, which I can have in small doses cutting the carbs and the sugar.

I have had my pressure cooker for over a year and I love the thing. You can make some great dishes in barely any time. Try the Mississippi roast which is keto friendly and so is the Kalua Pork. It's one of my favs, freezes and reheats very nicely well.

I use cauliflower for rise and potatoes and it really is a decent substitute. If you have a Trader Joes by you, they have pretty affordably already diced/shredded options to take all the grunt work out.

I don't know if I am allowed to do this, but please feel free to take out if needed,

But ruledme.com is a great keto resource.
Posted By: Coconut

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/31/18 12:47 PM

Thanks for the suggestion Ginger, i made the Mississippi roast and it really is good, I've always liked pot roasts, but my favorite part has always been the carrots, potatoes and onions that usually go in it.. I wasn't sure if I'd like a roast without the other fixins I'm used to having with it, but the change of flavor with the pepperoncini's made it like a whole different meal and I didn't miss the fixins, I just made some broccoli to go with it, haven't gotten around to trying the cauliflower rice or mashed yet..

I went a little crazy this weekend, in addition to the roast, I made a lasagna with cheese wraps replacing the noodles (I made the cheese wraps myself, although you can buy them), I also made something called easy crack chicken in the crockpot that I didn't really care for, and another dish called easy crack slaw (basically seasoned ground beef and cabbage) that came out really good. I went a little over board, but other than a kayak trip down the river on Saturday I didn't do much over the weekend and I was enjoying trying out the recipes.

I've recently put myself on a pretty strict budget, I've decided to try and get myself financially set for retirement in 10 years, which will mean paying off my house ahead of schedule (I got a 15 year mortgage) and adding more money to my retirement accounts. I don't know if I will retire in 10 years, but I've decided that I want the option, I guess it will depend on who is in my life at that time and where I want my life to go.

As for my social life, I've been keeping pretty busy, going roller skating (lol, this should be interesting) with GG and some other friends tomorrow, I'm heading up to the mountains Thursday for a long weekend camping trip that will be filled with a lot of kayaking in rivers and fishing; I've been talking to a new girl and we may go to the comi-con the weekend after next (gotta figure out a costume if I decide to go); my trip to Alaska is getting close, we leave in just over 3 weeks and then I'm going to try and make a trip down to my sons University soon after I get back, he moves into his dorm in two weeks and I won't have the opportunity to visit before I leave on my trip.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/31/18 01:19 PM

Coconut,

If you like living inexpensively and eating good food (fresh fish, game and veggies), then you should watch "My Self Reliance" on YouTube. It's strangely hypnotic to watch a Canadian guy work on his cabin and cook and eat his food without saying anything (until the end). It's best to watch just before going to bed so you can have dreams of a cabin in the wilderness...
Posted By: job

Re: Open the Floodgates - 07/31/18 06:26 PM

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