Link to previous thread, well kinda:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2774334&page=1The name for this one comes from an article I read about life's challenges being met by finding solutions (therefore moving forward in life) or by finding distractions (therefore being stuck in life)...
Job, I can't quote from the thread doodler killed (thanks doodler, lol) since its been closed. Would you mind copying my last two posts (the long ones) to this thread..
Job, I can't quote from the thread doodler killed (thanks doodler, lol) since its been closed. Would you mind copying my last two posts (the long ones) to this thread..
It's all fun and games until Doodler breaks the forum with his Tomfoolery. Next someone's going to gave their eye poked out with this horseplay.
Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2774334&page=10Time to start a new thread, the reason for this name is an article I read about how we respond to Life's Challenges and how we either react by finding solutions, or by finding a distraction to help us ignore the challenge or cover up the pain the challenge creates.
Anyway, I'm going to carry over my last post from previous thread and some responses made to it.
Last Sunday I went to another town about 40 minutes away, I wanted to get some fishing in and there were a couple of places there that I could target specific fish. Unfortunately, 2 of the 3 places I wanted to hit were closed (one was a lake at a vineyard that I didn't know doesn't allow fishing during the winter, and the other was a lock and dam that is under construction). So after fishing the one option I had left for a little while, I decided to grab some lunch.
There's a sushi place in that town that is better than any I've been able to find around me, so I usually stop there to eat when I'm around. I sat at the sushi bar and there was a young lady working that area. When she first spoke to me, I about fell out of my chair, she had the most southern accent I'd ever heard. My town is a military town, so almost no one is from here, so there aren't many with accents.
I love me a southern accent. My first real girlfriend was from NC (trips with her to NC is what made me want to move here), and I guess that since then I've always associated southern accents with that Love. This girl at the restaurant was the most country I'd ever heard. We started chatting and she told me that she grew up out in the country, two stop sign town, and moved to that town to find work. We chatted in between her dealing with customers during my meal and I really enjoyed talking to her... BUT she was around 25
I considered asking for her number, cause I'd love to talk to her more and we did hit it off pretty well, but I just couldn't get past the age difference. But she's been on my mind since.
________________________________________________________
Ok, something else has been on my mind since Ginger mentioned her boundary regarding drug users. I realized that I haven't really tried to define boundaries that I want, so I got to thinking about what are no-go's to me.
I would like to ask you all for your opinions on this, because I'm back and forth on it. Would you date someone who ever divorced because they had an A?
Ok, something else has been on my mind since Ginger mentioned her boundary regarding drug users. I realized that I haven't really tried to define boundaries that I want, so I got to thinking about what are no-go's to me.
Here's an idea I got from a youtube video: make a list with 2 columns: the traits you want and don't want in a woman. Write down as many things as you can. They can be physical, but include personality and lifestyle choices as well. Then go back and circle the top 10 in each column. This will help you lock down what you're looking for as well as your dealbreakers.
I would like to ask you all for your opinions on this, because I'm back and forth on it. Would you date someone who ever divorced because they had an A?
As in, would I date someone who had been unfaithful in their M? Absolutely not. Infidelity is a hard stop for me.
If I had never experienced what I have, I might have been understanding about the A depending on the circumstances and if there were lessons learned, remorse, ect.
However, I want to minimize my chances of ever going through that again. SO I would have to say a firm "NO".
Coconut,
I like your question because it's simple and provocative.
First of all, most likely the only way you'd learn about the affair is from the person you're dating. If the person were to tell you about the affair, then I would give them kudos for being forthright and honest. What if you were dating a person who'd had an affair but never told you?
Second, if someone told me they'd had an affair back when they were young and dumb, and were ashamed of what they'd done and didn't make excuses for the affair, then I think that person would be deserving of consideration. That is, if everything else is a good fit.
We've all done things we shouldn't have done and that we're ashamed of; I think it's a bad idea to make a black-and-white decision before it's necessary to make the decision.
_________________________
M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Vanilla's posting:
This is a deal breaker for me. 100%.
Leopards, spots etc........
A D because of an A is a big big red flag for me.
I am not so concerned by looks but self inflicted poor health is an issue for me, including smoking, pot or otherwise, drugs and compulsions. ESPECIALLY GAMBLING and OWS. Been there, done that and will not go again.
I like a great smile and twinkly eyes.
V
_________________________
Life is for living
V 63, WAW now free from the G
25yearsmlc's posting:
This list is important. My T often suggests making one. The Wish list and the Must have list.
In 90% of cases in which someone had an A, I'd end things right there. I'd also end things if they wanted children I cannot provide to them now. I mean, I'd do it politely but that's that.
In case of an A, what would be the 10% reasons I MIGHT still consider dating them?
VERY rare cases and with a ton of remorse and insight, lesson learned and forthrightness about it.
DISCLOSURE - I have to admit that I once almost had an A and b/c of that experience, I can see why a good person who is neglected a lot, over time, and then tempted over time, could cave in.
It was during Desert Storm and I was getting shipped out (I joined & left the Army for XH, but I did not consciously think it related to my feelings of neglect, then). XH's hours were more insane than usual and he was irritable when he came home and then left for 60 days for a rotation. Again...
I managed not to have an A, but only with great effort and support by a wise chaplain. I made changes about trying not to be around certain types of men but hey, it was the military and 85% of the personnel then, were men. Hard to avoid.
I learned a lot from this^^^ experience. My ability to avoid jumping off the cliff into an A was eye opening for me. I always thought it'd be an automatic deal breaker and in most cases, it is. At least for me. But I'd be a hypocrite if I said it was always a deal breaker and if I had not had this experience, I probably would say it's always a deal breaker.
so, in any case that's how I feel about that.
A must have - A guy who can laugh at himself and with me, is vitally important. Humor is always listed as a desirable quality on those sites but I really mean it. I do stand up comedy and it's a big deal to me to feel uninhabited about it.
And As we age, being able to laugh hard and often, is only going to increase in importance.
Imagine being old and NOT being able to laugh with your partner.
Rule Outs - A guy who is judgmental about others, or secretive, or loses his temper, or stores up grievances and brings up events that angered him, from more than a week earlier, NOPE...
A guy who is going to make me work at guessing what's bugging him. No seething resentments, no list of wrongs from yesterday, and of course no deceit. Can't handle a liar or someone who withholds key information b/c THEY are not comfortable (who is comfortable disclosing hard truths?? etc.)
Relationships are hard enough. Who needs guessing games on top of the work we have to do anyhow?
Just my .02
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H goes ALASKAN 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08
*2016*
H ALASKA AGAIN
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV Final 2/2018
Embrace the GIFT of Change
Coconut's posting:
I’ve started to reply to this twice, but I wanted to wait until I was at a keyboard, as I do not enjoy typing long posts on my iPad. Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts on my question/delema, I had thought about the general responses you all posted, but found the explanations thought provoking.
When I first thought about it, my immediate response was very similar to those who hold it as an absolute No (understandably), that I don’t want to go through that again so it was a deal breaker for me. But then I realized that when I thought about it, I only considered my situation, or more specifically my ex. I watched a great mom, a person who thought about others (more than she should have) over herself, turn into a person who only cared about herself. So, no, if I met someone who had ended their M after having an A, who “also” displayed selfish characteristics, then it would without question be a no go.
Then I thought about the way that I had fallen fast and hard for a M woman at work a few months after BD. (For those that don’t know my story, I didn’t know she was M when I fell for her, I didn’t find out until I was smitten, and I stopped talking to her very shortly after. Also, nothing happened except for conversation and the occasional innuendo.) I experienced firsthand how quickly you can fall for someone who fills an emotional need.
I also thought about those on this board who were once wayward, but who I feel are the least likely in society to ever do it again. With experience can come knowledge and understanding, if you choose to learn about yourself, learn about the dynamics of what caused the experience, and learn prevention methods to keep it from happening again. I think someone who has that knowledge and commitment would be a better long-term partner than someone who just never happened to find them in that situation. As Doodler said, we’ve all done things we shouldn’t have done and ashamed of, I think what’s important is what was learned from it. Oh, and I also agree doodler that most likely the only way I would find out is if they told me, but if they didn’t tell me and I found out then I would run. I do not plan on being with anyone that ever-got D without discussing why the M failed. I want someone who has some understanding of the dynamics of relationships, and discussing why previous R failed is an easy way to figure out if they do.
I am leaning to it not being a “deal breaker” with conditions. It would require conversations, not about the specifics but the reasons, and me being convinced that she had learned from it. If she had an A, and her only reasoning was “he…..”, then I’m out. But if she can explain the underlying conditions of why she did it, she shows some understanding of R dynamics and how to recognize warning signs of a R being susceptible to it, then it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. It likely would cause me to take it slower, date longer before really starting a R, but I am not going to just delete that portion of the dating pool from possibility.
This weekend was supposed to be the paint party that I was hoping to get to spend some time talking with gg, but one of the girls (the attractive but way to young; more on that in a minute) in our group was performing in a jazz concert. We decided to cancel the paint party and go see her performance. When I pulled into the parking lot, I drove past all the cars that were parked (and a lot of empty spots) to park at the very end of the aisle. I have a very big truck that fills up parking spots, so I never park near other cars to try and prevent door dings (it’s funny, I drive it through the woods and don’t worry about branches and other things hitting it, but I hate the idea of someone hitting my truck with their car). So anyway, I get out of the truck and start walking towards the building and seeing a lady walking towards me, when I get closer I realized it was gg. It really made me feel good that she recognized my truck and instead of just going in and seeing me there, she went out of her way to come meet me.
We ended up sitting separately when we got inside, I sat next to one of the other guys who is the comedian of the group. During intermission and right after the show we all hung out outside talking, I didn’t get to have a one on one with gg (I think I might be getting CB by a couple of the girls who like me), but I was enjoying myself so I just went with it.
Shortly after the show ended, gg asked if I was going to game night, I told her I wasn’t and that I was going out with everyone for drinks and appetizers. She knew that everyone was going out afterwards, but wanted to go to game night, which I am fine with although it is unfortunate that once again we didn’t get to spend more time talking. The next day I decided to text her and we chatted back and forth for a little while, she told me that she recently joined a rugby team which completely shocked me (she is a petite blonde), I replied that she surprises me, that I was intrigued and look forward to getting to know her better.
And silence…… We both were obviously doing other things while we were texting (I was packing stuff up for the move), there were often delays between responses. But after I sent that text, my focus kind of went to what her response would be, and while most of the pauses between texts had been 5 -10 minutes, this delay was closer to 40 minutes. She eventually responded asking if I was going to the bar crawl Saturday for St. Patty’s day. I responded that I might have to go out of town that weekend so I won’t know for sure until Friday.
Now while I do find myself “noticing” these minute details (much longer delay after telling her I want to know her better), my old self would spend time trying to figure out what it meant; but while I do wonder about it, I don’t find myself to concerned about what it means. It is important to me that I remain lovingly detached, that when I do start dating or have a R, that I keep a lot of focus “me”. Like everything, I believe that it will be easier as I do it more, I recognize my natural inclination of “wondering”, so it is a small accomplishment when I am able to recognize that and move my focus elsewhere.
Ok, I have more I want to say, but I think I’d better get back to work. Hope everyone had a great weekend.
_________________________
M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Top
Coconut's posting:
This weekend was supposed to be the paint party that I was hoping to get to spend some time talking with gg, but one of the girls (the attractive but way to young; more on that in a minute) in our group was performing in a jazz concert.
So I wanted to talk through Aby (attractive but young). Aby has been part of the singles group since our first get together, while she is physically attractive, what I have found most attractive about her is her outgoing personality and confidence in herself. I never could figure out how old Aby is, my best guess is early to mid 20's, her excitement of life seems consistent with someone that age. Her stories about the acting/singing activities she has going on make me think she’s involved in something like a drama club at college. While we have conversed here and there, I’ve never had a real conversation with her, so I only know what she has shared about herself in the group setting.
The jazz performance that we went to was at a local college, which also enforced my belief that she was in that age group. Well, after the performance we went out for apps and drinks. There were a couple of new people there, so we decided to do a little “get to know you” activity called two truths and a lie. We had done this once before at our first get together, and at that time Abys two truths and a lie were 1) I have swam with sharks.. 2) I have swam with sting rays.. 3) I have swam with dolphins. I remember this because I have swam with sharks and dolphins, but never with rays, turns out the lie was with sharks but only because the day she had scheduled to do so the weather was bad and they couldn’t go out.
Well, during this night out, her two truths and a lie were 1) I have walked through a pyramid in Egypt.. 2) I have dived at the great barrier reef.. 3) I have climbed Mt. Fuji.. This really caught my attention, because I was really impressed at the magnitude of these events. I guessed that the reef was the lie, only because I thought it was so far away from Egypt and Japan, but later looked at a map and found they are all far from each other. Anyway, she said that while she had visited Australia, she did not dive the barrier reef. I made a comment to the lady I was sitting next to (who has closest R with Aby) that I was so impressed that someone still in school has done so much in her life. Well, turns out Aby isn’t a student, she is a performing arts teacher at the school we went to, and the other members in the jazz band were her students, not peers. She also mentioned that Aby has never been M and doesn’t have kids, so she has a lot of freedom to have these experiences. Oh, btw, Aby summited Mt. Fuji when she lived in Japan for a year, and then proceeded to speak in Japanese to someone else that knew a little.
I have no expectation of getting together with Aby, I just wanted to share all of this because I was so wrong in my “judgement” of how old she is, although I still don’t actually know her age.
Now, about not reaching out because of the womans age… by the way, I’ve been thinking about going to see a counselor to help me navigate what it is that I really want in someone, but until I decide to, I’m just using this forum to talk through my thoughts.
I’m also struggling with figuring out how I feel about dating someone younger. I look young for my age, in high school my nickname was Babyface, which sucked in HS but as I’ve gotten older it’s not so bad. I couldn’t say how old I “look”, I can only say that I think I look much younger than other people that I know are my age. On top of my looks, I am a pretty free spirit. I’m not a stickler for the rules, for the most part am willing to do things outside of my comfort zone, I can just go with the flow and I don't have discussions about the weather or medical conditions..
Anyway, back to younger females. I guess the youngest I have been able to wrap my head around dating is 35yrs old (10 yrs. younger), but I often read age is just a number being said here and wonder if I’m limiting myself for the wrong reasons. For instance, I met Country 2 weeks ago, I guessed that she is around 25 yrs old, I wanted to ask for her number, I wanted to talk to her again but I talked myself out of it. I don’t know if my hesitation is the “stigma” of an older man dating a younger woman, or if it is something else. I don’t want to be involved with someone that would be held back because of me (like starting a family), but I feel like I may be holding back on opportunities for a good time by making decisions that aren’t mine to make. In other words, maybe Country has no interest in having kids, just wants to enjoy life (maybe has a love of the things I enjoy) and we would have a great time together, but I ended that possibility before it had a chance because I just decided “she’s too young for me”.
Let’s face it, the idea with being with someone younger is sexy, and I wouldn’t mind just having fun for awhile.. I like the idea of finding someone for a LTR/M, but I DO NOT feel pressure to find that someone right now, I’d definitely be down for just having fun for awhile.
_________________________
M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Ginger1's posting:
On dating someone younger.......or older....... I can weigh in on this, since I have been all over the board age wise.
My ex was my age. One of us grew up, the other did not.
Post D- one guy was 15 years older than me. Age was not an issue because we were in the exact same places in our lives. We both had a child, 2 years apart, both were divorced one month a part.
ANother guy- 12 years older. He had grown kids, but one 2 years younger than mine. However, he was going through a MLC.
FF- 9 years younger. While he had a great career and also owned a business, he still lived at home, and didn't have kids yet, and ultimately wanted them, and that was the deal breaker for us.
This guy right now, same age, no job, no kids, at least lives on his own, no real drive. Mentally, probably 10 years younger.
I know that PT guy who is 25, wants children. So I won't even go there.
So, as you can see, age is a number. My dad's wife is 17 years younger than him. He wsa done having kids, she was ok with not having kids. I was out of the house, it has worked for them. My dad began dating her when he was 48 I believe. He is now 68 and they are going strong.
So, to me, age IS just a number if you are in the same stages in your life. Or at least, your stages are compatible.
I wouldn't rule out another "country" unless you know for sure there are some deal breakers, like kids. If you enjoy the same things, youa re entitled to have fun and see where it goes!
.
Ginger1's posting:
So, ask ABY out:) I just realized they are two different people
doodler's posting:
Is that a stick in your pocket or are happy to see Abby?
I think I've copied/pasted all of your responses from the other thread. Unfortunately, the format you had set up for quotes did not come over so I have done the quotes for you. I hope that I've done all of them for you. Your thread should be good to go now.
I have an exBF who was 13 years older than me. The age gap was always an issue for me, not least because he felt he had to tutor me. All. The. Time. It got old really quickly (did you see what I did with that?)
Nevertheless, we were good friends who made each other laugh a lot, and we have remained friends ever since. Now, 30 years later, we have recently had a conversation about large age gaps. His current partner is 20+ years younger and he is finding it very difficult being part of a couple where one is still focused on her career goals and the other just wants to enjoy the fruits of his labour. They don't understand each others' music, favourite movies, TV shows or cultural references. She thinks his friends (he holds onto them for a long time) are old fuddy duddies. He thinks her friends are self-involved, cut throat narcs. They are probably all somewhere in between, but you get the gist.
I realise that a lot of the attraction of a much older/younger person is the different perspective they can give. It can be really exciting to see and experience different things with somebody and, in the short term, has a lot to recommend. Long term though, I think shared experience, culture and values makes living with somebody much easier.
As far as red flags and A's go, I'm a little more on the wavelength of 25. Most of the time it would be a deal breaker, especially if I got an edited version of the whys and wherefores. If there was never a mention of guilt or remorse or how the A could've been avoided that would be it for me.
Also, like 25, a sense of humour. I'm really not interested in somebody who doesn't make me laugh. I suspect I'm not on my own there though
I haven't spoken with gg since those messages about me telling her I was intrigued by her and her asking about going out on St. Patty's day. I almost reached out to her this week, but fought my urge to reach out and decided to be patient instead, still not an easy thing for me to do.
Tuesday I went to a fishing seminar with my outdoors group, the seminar was about migratory fish that come up the rivers in my state, focusing on where/how/when to fish for them. I had never been to the Wildlife facility it was being held at, but when I put in the address to go there I realized it was right across the street from gg favorite irish pub. I thought about reaching out to her and seeing if she wanted to grab a bite to eat after the seminar but refrained. I don't know if I'm over analyzing, but I just don't get the "feeling" that she is into me, so decided that it would be better to let it be and see if she comes to me.
I don't know if I've mentioned it, but she has 3 children under the age of about 8 yrs old, they were at the first game night that I went to. Now ideally I would prefer to date someone without children, but it doesn't seem that there are many single woman in my dating age group that don't have children. Most of them have older children, most around the teen or preteen ages, which is fine to me, because if things become serious there wouldn't be that many years before the kids are older and we would be able to focus on our dreams. Anyway, I think I'd even be willing to raise a young child, but if they are that young, I think it would come with an understanding that we try and have a child. I really do enjoy raising kids, they make everything so special, seeing the world through their eyes, but if I was going to commit to having kids living at home into my 60's, I would want to have a biological child of my own. Wow, anyway, I went off on a tangent, let me get back on track.
I want to thank everyone for their responses regarding dating someone more or less than 10 yrs age difference. There were some interesting thoughts and experiences that I hadn't really considered. I think I'm just going to go with the flow. In other words, next time I meet someone I hit it off with, I'm not going to try and decide if I "should" ask them out, I'm just going to go for it. If they say yes, than we can decide how things move forward together. I'm going to remain open to all possibilities and see what works.
I'm closing on the house on Monday, so I've been and will be really busy for the next month or so. I've already rented a trailer on Sunday to load up my garage and move everything over to the new place on Monday, and took Tuesday off to get some of the repairs made that I got money back from the seller for, and i'll move more stuff. I will still have my current place until the end of April, so i'll have plenty of time, but lets face it, I just bought a house and want to get into it asap.
Coconut,
Congrats on the house! Nothing like setting up a place that feels uniquely yours.
In regards to age, I dunno. I think for some folks it matters and for some it doesn’t. If you are attracted to someone, then that’s what is important. I think the only time that age gaps really can become a huge issue is if one wants to have a family and the other person does not. But that works itself out as well. I’ve always dated folks my age and while all nice people, there were varying maturity levels.
Do what feels best for you.
Went out for St Pattys day, what a blast. They had horse drawn buggies going between bars, and got to go to some cool bars/clubs in my town that I had never been to or knew where there. We met at 5:30pm and I didn't leave until 2:30am. It's been a while since I got out on the dance floor, and tbh, I didn't want to leave it.
As for gg, pretty sure that idea is dead. I'm really not sure if she's interested, but she was sitting at the bar not talking, another guy was standing close behind her, not talking, so I went up to her and started talking to her, then the other guy joined in and within two minutes, her and him were only conversing with each other. I know she is Not into him, but ignoring me that way is a no go for me, so I walked away and hung out with others the rest of the night. Kind of bummed because she's the only one in the group that I had hopes for, but definitely not the end of the world cause I really enjoy hanging out with the group. Plus getting out so much will likely result in meeting someone else, or maybe not, just focusing on getting to know people and having fun.
Oh, forgot to mention I closed on the house today, pretty excited. Rented a small uhaul trailer and already moved my garage and grills to the new place and set everything up. Not planning to move in for another couple of weeks, but had the day off so took advantage.
Coconut,
Congratulations on your home ownership! Are you going to park your boat in the living room?
Congratulations on your new home!
Thx guys, it's a good feeling to get my life back on tract..
Doodler, the boat may or may not end up in the living room, although I'm looking at getting my third boat, so I don't know how I'll choose which one to let in. But more importantly, the question is if I'll paint the front columns as barber poles and get dancers to cut hair :-)
...the question is if I'll paint the front columns as barber poles and get dancers to cut hair :-)
Yes, that's the burden of home ownership; you have to make the hard decisions.
Congratulations on the house, that's very exciting! You get to make it yours. All the manly stuff you want!
I have been trying to buy a place in my small very very expensive town for 2 years. No luck. I am trying to convince D10 to move to Fl. Also, no luck, lol.
Congrats on the new home! That is so exciting.
Congratulations !! May you have every blessing in your new home xoxo
I wanted to stop by before I leave work for the weekend and wish everyone a Happy Easter!!!
Everything is going well with the house, I've had the roof leak around the chimney repaired, they will be finishing up with installing a new foundation beam, remodeling the master bath today or tomorrow, and the new A/C will be going in next week. Found a great washer/dryer set for $300 delivered (what a steal) and currently looking for a refrigerator..
still moving one or two truck loads of stuff a day and will be trying to find some movers to move the furniture next weekend. Mix in the social outings and I'm exhausted. I actually passed out sometime around 7 or 8 last night watching t.v. out of exhaustion.
One good thing is that while I'm moving stuff to the new place I'm putting everything away, so I won't have to "unpack" and never have to live out of boxes
very happy about that.
Have a Great Weekend everyone, Happy Easter.
Coconut,
Apparently Easter is on April 1st this year.
Doodler
I think this is about chocolate eggs.
Having an unofficial person Easter (generously shared) allows two goes at eggs.
So I dibs this weekend as Easter too.
V
Wasn't sure I'd get online this weekend, so wanted to say it doodler, but getting to hide and find my own eggs twice sounds fun, lol...
So last night was interesting.. We (the singles group) went to a silent disco last night, basically instead of the music playing from speakers everyone wears headphones with music and there were three DJ's that you could switch channels to listen to.
Anyway, got there at 8:30pm to eat first, just me and the host were there till 9, we had some good conversation at the bar while waiting for everyone else. I know her pretty well, we've hung out often, but she was flirting with me hard core for the first time. Once everyone else showed up we went to eat. When we got to headphones, I started talking to a lady who had only joined us once before, at the escape room, but I didn't really talk to her that day. She was hitting on me pretty hard too, but this time I was totally into it and was very turned on when we danced.
After awhile she said she had to go, I told her I was disappointed she was leaving so early, she told me it wasn't early that it was 1am (time flew spending time with her), she then said she'd love to stay if she didn't have to drive 1 1/2 hrs home, I was pretty certain she was looking for an invite to stay the night with me... Oh how tempted I was, how great that would have been, but I'm concerned about changing the dynamics of the group if I started doing that, so I want to make sure first. So she left, then ABY came to me and we started talking, and maybe I'm imagining things with this, but I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me too (found out she's 34). We had fun, danced a little, had some laughs and then she had to leave.
After ABY left, host came back to me, was pretty drunk by this point, she started grinding on me. She also lives like 45 minutes away, was telling me that she needed a place to stay cause she couldn't drive home. I didn't offer my place, got one of the other girls to take her home for the night.
All three are attractive woman, I would be lucky to date any of them and may at some point, but i was doing my best to not make things awkward for me with the group by taking anyone home, but I still had one heck of a lotta fun last night.
Got home around 330am, was up at 830 and started moving stuff over, now gonna get ready for game night. I should be able to get the rest of my stuff (minus furniture), that I don't need this coming week, moved over tomorrow then movers next weekend to finish up.
Wasn't sure I'd get online this weekend, so wanted to say it doodler, but getting to hide and find my own eggs twice sounds fun, lol...
You definitely need a girlfriend.
Coconut,
Apparently Easter is on April 1st this year.
HAHA.. omg... I said Happy Easter last Friday because I though Easter was yesterday, didn't even catch the mistake when doodler mentioned it.. I just realized it (on Monday morning), geez, calendar has been so full it's all kinda blurring together.
that's all I came to say, but since I'm here, I managed to move everything over to the new house but my bed, couch, tv, and just enough clothes and kitchen items to get through this week, kinda weird living in an almost empty house.
Finding gf eggs would be much more fun.
V
Finding gf eggs would be much more fun.
V
cheers to that... as long as there was something in place to keep the eggs from getting, um, poached..
Was going to say something about the male bird that crows at dawn.
But decided against it.
V
You have got to be kidding me.. No f'n way..
So I decided to reach out to the lady who I talked to for the first time the other night, the one that completely turned me on when dancing with her. I messaged her through meetup letting her know that I was thinking of her, she Msgd me back with her number. So I called her, she didn't answer and immediately text me, she said:
"I can't talk right now, in middle of volunteer firefighter class"
WTF, instant flood of PTSD.. For those not familiar, the end of my M started with ex joining volunteer firefighter class.
I didn't respond, trying to figure out if I just move on or work through my "issues".. I still have flashbacks whenever I pass a station or see a fire truck, not sure if I can handle being with someone who has that in their life...
FML... Just my luck
Grrr... Really not sure how I feel about this, she text me, just told her she surprised me, kind of a trigger, that I needed to think about it.
She replied that she understood, wanted to talk later
Not sure why she would say she understood, but really irrelevant, I'm not sure if I want that in my life and I don't understand. Figures that I would make my decision only to be presented with this. My initial thought is I'm out, but I also feel like I could use her to neutralize my feelings about fire dept, but don't want to "use" her for that..
I'll sleep on it tonight
The universe may be trying to help you deal with the fire department issue. It's a sign to help.
Coconut, I suffer from c PTSD too, it's important to walk to the pain and deal with the issues. Think carefully about rejecting someone just because of this.
I do understand though, H2 and H3 had the same name, I was asked out by a guy recently with the same name. I told the guy sorry you have the same name as two of my exes and it would be hard. He said I have a middle name. But I couldn't date him.
I think this was something I needed to face.
V
Thanks for your comments V, Reading your post made me realize my use of the term PTSD may have been inappropriate. I've not been diagnosed, and I doubt my reaction to triggers even come close to PTSD level, I used the term because it generally describes my reaction and reasoning for it being a trigger.
My cousin and uncle in WV are also vol. firemen, they occasionally post things on social media about it, it always triggers me. When my cousin visited me in NC last year, she mentioned it, and it triggered me. But my reactions aren't uncontrollable, the trigger just brings back negative memories and feelings, when she brought it up in person, I kind of zoned out and disengaged from the conversation with her. Not really how to describe how it makes me feel, it's just uncomfortable and I tend to go into avoidance.
The weird thing is one of my best friends and his wife are full time firefighters, after BD I would go to get togethers at his house with a bunch of other firefighters, for some reason when they brought up the station or work it didn't trigger me the same. Somehow, I think the volunteer thing is what I have attached the negative connotations to.
Anyway, thoughts of new girl being a vol. firefighter woke me out of my sleep 2 hrs early, so it did have some effect on me. I will probably face the pain, and see if that helps alleviate the triggers.
Seeing how much this triggered me makes me worried about how I will deal with trust when I allow someone close enough to need to.
I saw you posted on my thread that your self esteem was riding high from Friday night and I see why! Yes, being desired and pursued by multiple women will do that to you. Have fun and enjoy it.
I know how you are triggered by Vol. FF. I am triggered by lawyers. (OWW is a lawyer) Well, I WAS triggered by lawyers until I met this most wonderful DB'er who is actually both a nurse and a lawyer. She honestly untriggered me. You can't dislike all lawyers once you meet her.
So maybe the trigger will go away by a vol. FF being someone you like.
So maybe the trigger will go away by a vol. FF being someone you like.
We shall see, I asked her out to dinner tonight.. This will be my first date with anyone but ex in about 12 years, it's nice that I already know her (somewhat) which takes away the nerves and I know we have good conversation, so that helps too.
Just hope things don't get too awkward within the group (as in if one of us dates someone else within the group), cause i'm not looking for anything exclusive, hopefully she isn't either. Guess I'll find out.
Hi Coconut, I'm pleased to read you have a date - good for you and I hope you had a nice time. I was interested in your comment about exclusivity. I'm dating too and we had that conversation recently.
I realised that the most important thing for me was to be honest about where I am at and what I'm looking for. For me, I do want to date exclusively - but I'm not really working towards potential marriage or cojoining of finances. I think those things are off the agenda for me. But I also recognise that I may still be somewhat reactive in these areas?
Anyway, the guy I'm seeing liked my directness and we had a conversation about where he was at and why - and...it all felt good.
I think the problems come when we don't feel able to say where we are at - so I would encourage you to do this. If you are at a stage where you just want to casually see a few woman, I think it's okay to do this - and those women know where they are at. They may self-select out of course. So I guess that's the risk.
I know for me that I'm an exclusive dater and if my date didn't want that, I'd rather know...
Hope this helps any ways - and I hope you have a good time on Friday
I do understand though, H2 and H3 had the same name, I was asked out by a guy recently with the same name. I told the guy sorry you have the same name as two of my exes and it would be hard. He said I have a middle name. But I couldn't date him.
Haha Vanilla - I'm facing a bit of a similar dilemma.
Before I dated Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome (my now-ex BF of 4 years) I briefly dated another guy, who I am now casually seeing again. The first (and present) guy is named Marcus and is tall, African-American, and has a shaved head. The ex-BF is named Mark and is: tall, African-American and has a shaved head!
I'm teaching at a professional conference next month and that means a few days of "free" lodging at a nice resort. I took my ex BF Mark to a couple of these events. I don't have anyone to bring with me this time and though about inviting Marcus, the guy I'm casually seeing, as it's just a short drive from where we live.
But I just can't see me showing up with another tall bald black man with a virtually identical name! I'm sure the people running the event would mistake him for my exBF, or they might think I have some weird fetish! Neither option is appealing. It just sounds too awkward.
Wow, KML, that was my exact reaction! Right or wrong, I'll admit and own it. Now I don't know you from adam but... really... is this just a coincidence? I mean, if someone like's tall blondes, while, yeah, it's a type, there are a whole lot of tall blondes out there. But let's just be honest, most people don't date a different race. Again, right or wrong, it's just the truth. So that set's you apart right there. While it's more common these days, shaved heads are still not as common as blonde women. The names, ah, that's just coincidence. But the others - um, girl, you clearly have a type or at least an attraction to black men with shaved heads. That's just what I see.
Now Coconut, dude... LOL Volunteer firefighters? You're killing me - as yes I was one for nearly 25 years. I loved being a paramedic - not so much a firefighter. Just a whole lot of grunt work. Thing is for every paid FF in the country there are about 7 or 8 volunteers. Thing is, it really, really is as much about social interaction than anything. It really does become a family - both paid and volunteer. Men outnumber women by at least 5:1 and often more. She's going to have guys hitting on her. She just is. But that could be true of all sorts of things she may do.
Thing is, it's just a date. Don't make more out of it than it is. For me, "grinding on me" (your words), fishing for a sleep over, hmmmmmm, sounds like a fun girl, but not wife material. And what-do-ya-know - you are looking for some fun, not a wife. Just take her out. Don't make a bigger deal out if it than needed. Firefighters have been some of my best friends. Some have been my worst friends. It's like everyday life - it's not what they do that matters, it's who they are.
DonH - seems like all back men over 40 have shaved heads (it's like someone sent out a memo or something) so that part is the least unusual.
In my 20's I dated mostly white men but did have a serious relationship with a black man. That relationship was about our shared love of science, not race. I also dated a very tall biracial grad student in my 20's (the one that got away - still have a crush on him but he's happily married for years to the tall blonde Christie Brinkley rocket scientist he dated after me. He'll win the Nobel prize one day). Since my divorce, I do seem to have been attracted to very tall men (likely because my first boyfriend after the divorce was white, 6'6" and sexy as all getout).
When I was dating Marcus (who is also 6'6") I was really into him but he's a love avoidant guy who doesn't "do" relationships and at the time I thought I was really ready for a more serious relationship, so I moved on pretty quickly. Perhaps I initially clicked on Mark's profile because he reminded me a bit of Marcus.
Now I'm really NOT interested in a long term relationship, at least not at present, so I'm seeing Marcus again occasionally, knowing he won't want anything more from me and I can put my focus on my adult kids who need me most now.
I will say, one pleasant thing about dating black men at this age is that they generally appreciate my curves more than my (white, 5'10") ex-husband ever did.
Still I'm more interested in the person than the superficial looks. I once had a mad crush on my 5'3" sailing instructor who was also a physicist. Marcus is really into music and film and great company to watch those things with. Mark was less of an intellectual but very intuitive, attentive and caring (except, as it turns out, for the whole secret life he was hiding from me, lol.)
I don't know where you live that interracial dating seems so unusual. Here in California it's not that big a deal anymore (although it WAS in the 1970's when I dated a black man - we didn't get openly harassed at home but once on a trip to Washington D.C. some rednecks yelled at us on the street). Still I told Mark I wouldn't travel to New Orleans with him - he's from L.A. and has never traveled in the south, he has no idea what it is like and would have gotten in trouble for sure if someone hassled us.
H2, H3 and potential date may have the same name but they all look very different. The name does begin with M too......
Only the G looks like a dirt bag though.
Coconut it does sound like triggering and that's important. Don't underestimate the low levels of stimuli at which triggering can occur. Walk to the pain, discover FFS are all different as Ginger says.
PTSD comes in many strengths too..
V
Well V, if they all have the same name you won't accidentally call them by the wrong one in a moment of passion!
Hmm, interesting that this took a turn into interracial dating, because I didn't mention it but she is a black woman, and I am white... I've been attracted to two black woman in the past that I would of gladly dated, but they were both one sided, my side
Anyway, date was fine, I was at ease and conversation was, um, ok. At times I felt like I was playing 20 questions, cause she was throwing them out there, from "what type of house cleaner are you" (as in clean only before guests or keep it up), to favorite movies to favorite places I've traveled. I thought it was a bit much, kinda minimizes actual conversation, but I'm just getting my feet wet again so I'll go along and see what works. In the end, I found her very sexually attractive, but not much else. I don't plan on reaching out to her for a second, but if circumstances happen to us spending a night together in the future, I'd be good with it now.
As for the interracial aspect, some of the different perspectives I found kinda uncomfortable. I can see how a black person would see things diffently, but at one point she talked about leaving two churches, one because they displayed a "white" Jesus and the other because the tithe envelopes only pictured caucasian people.
I am not racist, or at least I don't think less of anyone other than my race, but I realized that I don't see the world the same. Jesus was a person, he was skin, bones and blood, and the depictions of him are Caucasian, I never questioned that, I never wondered why he wasn't black, yellow, or any thing else, and I'm not sure that I want to start questioning why Santa is also white, why Easter is symbolized as a bunny and not a cat, or why anything else just is.
Frankley, I don't know that I have it in me to start looking at everything differently, I'll welcome anyone and everyone into my circle and life, but I don't think I'm at a point that I want to change the way I see the world. Maybe that makes me racist, I don't know.
I have been waiting to hear about your date......
So you got your first real date out of the way! It wasn't perfect, but there certainly is a relief when you realize you can be sexually attracted to someone else.
As to the race topic..... Cultures generally stick to their cultures because they have a certain set of beliefs or traditions they are raised with. Much like it is important of certain faiths to marry the same faith. I don't think it is racist.
I have a Filipino friend who has been in this country most of her life, but she was raised with traditional cultural practices of Filipinos. She said she could not have imagined not marrying a Filipino. They have a particular understanding of their family values, like the same food, practice religion similarly, ect. And she loves having grown up that way.
I have always been a white girl who grew up in a predominantly white town who also has no religion. (I was not raised with any formal religion, nor was I baptized). I am physically attracted to white guys. Why? I don't know. I could probably emotionally grow attached to those who share the same values as me, whatever color or religion they are. But sometimes, people of other cultures or religions live their lives differently and that's not what is comfortable for you.
I am generally attracted to Liam.
And not attracted to men that look like the G.
That's about it, I have a target attraction market of one or all men minus one. Depending on whether the cup is half full or empty.
That's looks but lovely warm loving hearts are always special to be with. Never thought about whether men of colour would be in a dating pool for me, no one other than Caucasian or Asian has ever asked me out so I haven't faced that choice. I do have lots of female friends of different hues, and they all have lovely hearts. Bestie is non white and I guess I forget who is which colour as it doesn't matter.
V
Ummm, Coconut, you do know that Jesus was a swarthy middle eastern Jew, right?????
Ummm, Coconut, you do know that Jesus was a swarthy middle eastern Jew, right?????
I knew his mom was Jewish, but what about his dad?
Ummm, Coconut, you do know that Jesus was a swarthy middle eastern Jew, right?????
hmm, no I didn't, but I looked up "swarthy middle eastern jew" and saw some articles representing him as looking much different than the way I've seen Jesus depicted in the past. Interesting.
I was not raised in a religious family, and my personal exposure has been limited to a few years at a time during different stages of my life.
But I do get your point, based on the few minutes of reading that I did, it appears that "Caucasians" may have adjusted his look to look more like us. Interesting point.
I was not raised in a religious family, and my personal exposure has been limited to a few years at a time during different stages of my life.
Seems like this might be a bigger issue between you and this woman than race. Sounds like you're not very religious, and she cares about finding a church home that's welcoming to all races.
Btw, beware of conflating race and culture or socioeconomic class. The black men I dated had very similar middle class backgrounds to my own, except for one who came from a more affluent background.
In fact, in one way I have more in common with black men than white men: discrimination. I grew up in an era where it was assumed I was less capable, less intelligent, simply because I was a woman. (I remember one of my medical school classmates complaining about women being admitted with "lesser" qualifications; he shut up when he learned my admission testing scores were higher than his). While I don't presume to claim that the discrimination I experienced as a white woman is anything like what people of color experience- obviously they have it way worse - but I do relate.
I am aware of the differences, but I am not trying to avoid them to see how things go. The difference in religion was immediately obvious as I had already started eating my salad, she asked for a moment to say grace.. I am not anti-religious, I have accepted Christ into my heart, I have not avoided religion as a practice, but more by circumstance.
I was looking for a church to attend when I moved to NC, but the first one that I researched made a big deal about "divorcees" not able to become members, which was off-putting to me so I stopped looking (ok, maybe I did make a choice). But I have since spoken with several people about it, including her, and they think I should research other church's as I must have looked into a very strict church and they don't believe most are like that.
Anyway, as long as my position and their expectations are known upfront, I would look forward to learning from someone with different views and upbringing. Although as I previously described, I would not necessarily welcome every "difference" into my life, such as viewing the world differently as to how races are represented (which is obviously very important to her).
I will just continue getting to know whoever I'm attracted to, and determine what being with that person would require of me.
Although as I previously described, I would not necessarily welcome every "difference" into my life, such as viewing the world differently as to how races are represented (which is obviously very important to her).
Well maybe it's time to step outside your white privilege a little bit and examine why those things might bother a person of color? How would YOU feel if you lived in a society where all the authority figures were black, where you were followed by security in stores just because of the white color of your skin, where you had to work twice as hard to prove yourself at work or school because it was assumed you only got in because of "affirmative action" and weren't truly competent?
(Btw, when I was young, there were NO women newscasters on television - only the eye-candy weather girls. And I never saw a woman doctor. Can you imagine what that was like? And certainly no newscasters of color. )
I am going to share some info that was given to me from someone whom I respect very much who has been divorced several years.
No dinners with people you've newly met. Ok to meet for drinks. If things go well, you can have appetizers, but always keep it short. You're interviewing. Avoids awkward pauses and situations.
Good luck.
BTW - I agree that all her questions were more like a job interview. She obviously was trying to suss you out, to see if you would be a good match. Good reminder to all of us not to overdo the questioning - you DO want to get to know the person, that's the point, but their housekeeping skills could wait until at least the second date.
doodler's top 10 dating tips:
1. Ask your date for her bra size.
2. Call your date 10 to 15 minutes before you're supposed to meet her and tell her you'll be a little late because you're at Home Depot looking at power tools.
3. Always accidentally forget your wallet.
4. Tell your date how much your mom would love to meet her.
5. Mention that you have a bad rash that won't go away.
6. Tell your date that your nickname is Mr. Softee.
7. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom and wait at least 20 minutes before returning and then discuss the details of your explosive movement.
8. In addition, if you do go to the restroom, you can mention your preoccupation with the glory hole.
9. Ask your date if she's on the pill.
10. Ask your date if she's tired because she looks much older than the picture she posted on the dating site.
11. (bonus) Be sure to mention that your condoms are in your accidentally forgotten wallet and ask your date if she's okay with unprotected sex.
Well maybe it's time to step outside your white privilege a little bit and examine why those things might bother a person of color? How would YOU feel if you lived in a society where all the authority figures were black, where you were followed by security in stores just because of the white color of your skin, where you had to work twice as hard to prove yourself at work or school because it was assumed you only got in because of "affirmative action" and weren't truly competent?
The problem with the things you stated is that there is no way to know if it's actually true, they are assumptions that are made by thinking racism in the first place. I have no doubt that racism exists, and that there are too many who have been the victim of it, directly, with no question of what it was. But when I hear someone say they got pulled over because of the color of my skin, it makes me wonder if they think I've never been pulled over because of the color of my skin.
I have been followed many times in stores, but I didn't assume it's because I was a white person in a black neighborhood, but who knows, maybe that was the reason. I have considered many people I have worked with in the past to be incompetent, but I base those beliefs on their work product, not by the color of their skin. The best mentor I've ever had in my career was black, she was one of the smartest, most loyal, and confident person I've ever had the pleasure of working for.
For what it’s worth, I grew up in a predominately black neighborhood, until we moved when I went to high school, I went to schools that were 97% black, 2% Spanish and 1% white. Where I work now, there are 30 people in my division, 3 of us are white. I have never gotten or expected anything because of my race. I believe that racism cannot be overcome until people stop using it as a crutch. I have been the victim of “reverse” racism often in my life, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been referred to as cracker, or approached aggressively because they didn't want "the white guy" there.
If I live a life of white privilege, I shore as shootin have never reaped the benefits. I have worked hard my entire life, I have done everything that your “supposed to do” to prevent myself getting into situations that often cause people to go destitute, and I’ve never hoped for or expected something that I didn’t know I deserved.
No dinners with people you've newly met. Ok to meet for drinks. If things go well, you can have appetizers, but always keep it short. You're interviewing. Avoids awkward pauses and situations.
Yes, I agree.. I did dinner with her for two reasons, first, I had to drive an hour to meet her. I still might not have done dinner if it wasn’t for the fact that I had just spend a few hours with her a few days before, so I wasn’t worried about it being awkward, and it wasn’t.
So tomorrow is the day I picked to move to the new place, Last Friday I scheduled the AC guy to install the new ac unit Saturday, he calls me this morning and tells me he went to pick up the unit but they're closed for good Friday, need to reschedule install for Tuesday (rain forecast Monday), weather should be mild, so no biggie, I can do without for a few days.
About three weeks ago I called and scheduled cable guy to hook up the Internet the Friday before I moved in (today), I waited at house 2 1/2 hrs after the appt time, no call no show, called the company and rescheduled for tomorrow. That got my blood boiling a little, but I'm going out with the singles group to a dueling piano show and I'm the host, so need to move past it and reset myself.
While waiting for a table for 30 people at the place with the show, I get a text from the moving company that I scheduled to move my furniture tomorrow, says they're box truck broke down, they can do the labor but I'd need to rent a truck for the move... Ok, had to walk out for a little to cool down, I'm a very organized, check each box twice kind of person, so when everything I scheduled today and tomorrow gets f'd up, it infuriated me. Took 5 minutes, walked around outside, cooled down, went back in and had a great time.
I'm still moving in tomorrow, won't have couches or my bed, but I did already move my guest bed over so I'll have a place to sleep, and looks like one of my boats will be going into the living room for seating. Just gotta roll with the punches.
Life has a funny way of working things out nicely when you just let it
When we were at the dueling piano event, one of the ladies gave me a number to the movers she used after she heard mine cancelled, their name is $20 movers.. They literally charge $20 per mover per hour, and they come with a truck. My $280 quoted move cancelled on me, so Sat. morning I called the $20 movers, and they were able to move me same day for $40. I felt it was way too cheap, there wasn't much stuff, but the items were VERY heavy, so I gave them a $100 tip and saved myself $140..
AC being out was no issue since it was mid 70's during the day and mid 60's at night, and then the A/C guy called this morning and said not supposed to rain so they were going to install today. Just got a text that they were done, and he fixed a couple of other things that I asked him to look at, no charge for the extra stuff..
Then I set up a meet-up at my house for a game night in two weeks, BYOB and food, set the limit to 20 people and it filled up in a couple of hours.. I'll probably invite a few of my closer friends that didn't sign up before it filled up, so probably end up somewhere around 25 people. Right now, all I have is one plastic table for 6 with folding chairs, so time to go shopping for a large dining table, a few more folding tables and lots of chairs.. Gonna be a fun night
Yay for you! Sounds like things worked out well.
Right now, all I have is one plastic table for 6 with folding chairs, so time to go shopping for a large dining table, a few more folding tables and lots of chairs...
Don't waste your money on furniture, just buy another boat and park it in the house.
I think you're on the track to something really big; fishing boats that can be used as furniture. Here's why it'll be huge: The husband gets a new fishing boat and the wife gets new furniture all at the same time. It's practical and it'd probably save some marriages. You could start a business, Coconut's Boat and Furniture Emporium.
Ask peeps to bring a bottle and chair.
V
I just wanted to drop by and say again how impressed I am with you being the social director! You are kind of my role model here. I look forward to living a life such as yours when my time comes. Amazing things happen when we go outside our comfort zone.
Then I set up a meet-up at my house for a game night in two weeks, BYOB and food, set the limit to 20 people and it filled up in a couple of hours.. I'll probably invite a few of my closer friends that didn't sign up before it filled up, so probably end up somewhere around 25 people. Right now, all I have is one plastic table for 6 with folding chairs, so time to go shopping for a large dining table, a few more folding tables and lots of chairs.. Gonna be a fun night
Very nice. Don't be surprised if one or more ladies wants to stay over.
and the pressure sets in..
So game night at my house is tonight, apparently it's the hottest ticket in town... There are 25 people invited, there is a waitlist, and everyone's been talking about it the last few times we've gotten together.
No pressure!!! Originally my thinking was that it would be a low key, night of game playing, I shoulda known better with this group. I think they are willing to play a game or two, but partying seems to be on everyone's mind. So I've upped my game a little, added some chairs to the front porch and back patio, set up a fire ring in the back yard with a few camp chairs, made Jello shots (lol, haven't made those in many years), and filled the bar with bottles and mixers (even made a list of mixed drink recipes for people to make themselves, including some non-alcoholic mixed drinks).
JRuss, you were right, I've already got 2 ladies that have asked if they can stay the night, and two more that have kind of hinted at it. I've got a queen bed and two airbeds already set up in the spare rooms, and I've got a sofa bed and two more airbeds on standby.
one of my friends asked me about a week ago if I was nervous to have so many people over, and I said no, I love to entertain and am looking forward to it. I text her back last night and said I want to change my answer to nervous as he!!.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks trying to get the house ready, install fire alarms, buy and use lawn equipment, hang pictures, buy furniture, towel racks/shower curtains and all the other odds and ends you need to do when moving in. Scheduling a party two weeks after moving in might not have been the smartest thing I've ever done.
But as I sit here now, everything is done except for a quick cleaning of the bathrooms and then preparation of the food I'm making. If it wasn't for this party, I know that I wouldn't have done as much to the house as I have, so after clean-up tomorrow, everything will be done and i'll be able to just relax.
Coconut,
It sounds like it'll be a lot of fun as well as being a sh*t-ton of work. Inquiring minds want to know, are there any boats parked in your house?
And, the slumber party with the ladies...way to go!
Sounds like a big orgy is happening over C-nuts house!
Where is my invite?!
SOunds like you are hosting the party of the year! Make sure people don't get belligerently drunk and destroy your new house!
I am not helping with the nerves, am I????
It'll be fine, have fun, and enjoy your sleepover with multiple ladies.
What a great weekend.. Game night turned into more of a party, there were a few games played, but most of the night was spent socializing, dancing, sitting around the fire, etc...
Also, there was a behind the scenes secret plan of turning this into a housewarming party, I had no idea and really didn't know what to say when people started giving me cards and gifts. It made me bit uncomfortable for people to give me gifts, but I really appreciated the thought that went into making the night partly about me.
The two ladies who planned on staying over did, there was also a guy and girl who ended up staying over. We stayed up talking until about 4 in the morning, then went to bed. While there was no orgy planned, I did have the offer for a FWB type night, but I immediately felt uncomfortable about it (maybe because there were so many others staying) so I just let her know that I didn't think that was a good idea tonight.
Not sure why, but all of us were up by 8 am, so I made some coffee and we sat out on the front porch drinking coffee, everyone was talking about how they felt like they were on vacation at a cabin in the woods and were really enjoying themselves. We stayed on the porch a couple of hours and then went out for breakfast.
After breakfast, everyone went home then we met back up at my house about 4 hours later to go see a play that a friend was acting in. The play was in a big city about an hour away so we drove together. Then after the play we walked around down town and had a late dinner. Didn't get home until after midnight, so everyone just grabbed some leftover food from the party and headed home.
I was absolutely exhausted and slept until noon the next day (I am one of those early risers and don't know if I've ever slept until noon before), then I just made Sunday a relaxing day at home binge watching.
I did get to spend some alone time chatting with gamer girl (GG). I'm starting to wonder if I have some sort of radar that makes me find and fall for woman with troubled / rough pasts. Everything I've learned about her are things that I don't logically want in someone, but I still find myself very attracted to her.
I asked her out for dinner and a movie at my place next Saturday, I've decided to take some time and see if I can decide one way or the other how I want to proceed. If the date goes well, then I'll open up about what I know about her to get some opinions, but I want to wait until after the date.
So glad the party was a smashing success, Coconut. How lovely that they made it a housewarming for you. That's awesome! Sounds like you had a wonderful weekend. Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good for you Coconut.
Singing along to "I got music" and "houseparty"
Cheers
V
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), I suffer from it... Our singles group is going strong, used to be just the meetup leader was setting meets, but now people are having her create outings and I try and make any that I'm able, but it's getting out of control.
Everyone wants me to go, I get texts asking me if I'm going, then I get texts saying I was missed and wish I was there. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I'm fun enough that people like being around me, but I need to work on making more time for myself, I'm an introvert and sometimes get a bit overwhelmed with everyone around. So I pick days that I'm not going to fill, then I get invited to something that seems really fun and the internal struggle begins.
It's kinda crazy that I spend a year after moving here pretty much alone, and now I can't find time to be alone.. there's got to be a happy median, I just need to navigate to that place.
It's nice to be the belle of the ball, so to speak, but it is hard when you are an introvert and you really need that down time. I'm glad for you, though, coconut. Glad that you have options. Here's hoping you find your happy medium soon.
Hang in there and please be patient. This problem is being experienced on the other forums as well.
now worries job, i'll wait until tomorrow. It's a long post that's being cut and paste, maybe that's why its not posting.
The length of the posting has nothing to do with it. Some of the other posters have notified me about their postings and they are short and even those are not going through with my attempting to cut and paste.
I have sent another email to Virginia about this issue. I have now advised her that it is more than one forum experiencing this issue.
Job
I think it's a time out issue.
V
ok, cutting and pasting may not be the issue, but it seems to post if I type instead of cutting and pasting.
I'm not retyping the long post I was trying to make, just gonna be brief. GG showed up to a dinner that a few of us had Wed, she had told me she wouldn't be able to go, so I was pleasantly surprised when she showed up after we had eaten and were just hanging out.
She was absolutely glowing, I have never seen her look so pretty, she was being very outgoing and was the center of a lot of conversation. One of my buddies commented to me that he was jealous of me going out on a date with her, that she always seemed so reserved when he had met her before, but he also noticed her shining at dinner...
Anyway, I had to cancel my kayak trip Saturday due to high water in the river, one of the rapids turns into a high category 3 / low 4 when the river is up, and I'm not interested in white water kayaking, I was planning on fishing.
Since the trip is cancelled, I'm going to go to her rugby game, it's in a big city about an hour away, and she said the team often goes out after games (she's new but the teams been playing for awhile), so we may end up going out with them afterwards rather than going on our own, but I'm fine with that. I wouldn't want her to miss out on that, especially if they win and it turns into a celebration.
ok, cutting and pasting may not be the issue, but it seems to post if I type instead of cutting and pasting.
Interesting, there might be something hidden in html then.
I agree with everything you said.
I agree with everything you said.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt..
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt..
Well okay then, I'm fairly certain I've removed all doubt.
be forwarned, my thoughts/feelings about gg are swirling, so this post may be a jumbled mess, but I want to start putting things out.
So I posted last Friday that I was going to gg's rugby game and was excited. That night there was a meetup scheduled at a local club, I knew gg had signed up to go and I was torn as to whether or not to go.
On one hand, I thought it would be a bad idea to go since gg was going, and I didn't want to spend to much time with her too fast. It would be fine if I could go and just have a good time with everyone, but I know me, and if I'm around her my focus and attention is going to be on her. In addition, I didn't feel like I would enjoy being there, dancing makes me uncomfortable, and I enjoy talking and joking with people, something that's difficult to do in a club. At the same time, I knew if she wasn't going, I wouldn't hesitate to go and see what happens. So in the end, I decided I didn't want to not go because she was going to be there, so I went.
It turned out to be as uncomfortable as I had feared and I quickly realized that I had made a bad decision but I stuck it out for about 2 hours.
A little back story real quick; the morning after my game night party, the people who stayed overnight went out to breakfast in the morning, during breakfast I inadvertently found out one of my buddies (lets call him fisher, there are 5 of us that are becoming good friends and he's one of them) had been texting gg. I didn't know what they were talking about or how often they talked, a comment was just made to me that someone saw texts between him and her. Now this particular guy talks to every girl in the group, my impression is he throws out lots of lines hoping one will bite, but I've never talked to him about what his motives for doing so are. Anyway, I was immediately triggered when I was told, I could tell it was a by product of my sitch with the ex, so I decided to process it before saying anything. Then, when I had asked gg out on a date the next night, I mentioned to her that I would like to go to one of her rugby games, she replied that fisher wanted to go to one also and maybe we could make a meetup out of it. That triggered the heck out of me, I put the phone down and went for a walk, then came back and text fisher letting him know I was pissed and wanted to know if he knew how I felt about gg or if he didn't care. He replied that they had only talked about him wanting to go to a game, that was it, he was only being friendly, considers me a friend and would never cross that line. I was good with his explanation and told him it was cool and we were good.
So anyway, back to the club, fisher was out on the patio to smoke, it was quite out there so I went to hang out and talk. GG came out a little later and we were all talking. She told me that she found out there was a going away party for one of her friends from the game night group, that she wanted to go for a little while before our date, and asked for a different time to meet (I agreed but I didn't like it because I felt like our first date was already planned and thought it shouldn't be moved around to accommodate other plans), then out of nowhere, gg asked fisher if he would give her a ride to the rugby game the next day (1 hr away) because her car was acting up. That did not make me happy, I was immediately uncomfortable with that and it made me feel that she might be interested in him, and if that was the case then I was just going wish him best of luck. I don't want him hitting on her, but I wouldn't stand in the way or hold it against him if she wanted to spend time with him and he did. Anyway, long story short, he said sure and she told him that she was going to try and get a ride with a friend, but would call him if she wasn't able so they could ride together.
The morning of the game, one of the other close friends called me to talk, during the conversation she told me that fisher was very uncomfortable with gg asking him for a ride, that he actually wasn't going to go to the game and was saying he was having car trouble also (I don't know if gg called him to ask for a ride or not, I didn't ask). I spent the morning trying to decide if I wanted to cut bait with gg and not go to the game and cancel the date, which I was very close to doing, except for one thing; gg is kind of socially awkward in that she doesn't always process how her actions may affect other people. Because I knew that, I decided to go ahead with the game and date as planned and go from there.
I went to the game, and gotta say rugby is pretty freaking cool, I would agree that it is a better sport than football due to the almost non-stop action (and this from someone who loves football). After the game, I said goodbye to gg, she told me that she had to meet with the team and then they were going to have some drinks to celebrate and told me that I could stick around and participate and then she left. I decided not to stick around and took off while they were meeting, I sent her a text telling her I left, that I enjoyed the game and thought she did great.
She called me when she got home, told me that she wanted to go to dinner, wanted to reschedule the movie part of the date since she was having car trouble and I live about 30 mins from the restaurant we were going to. She said that she didn't want to just leave it out there and wanted to pick a date for that. I told her that I could drive her from the restaurant to my house and back if she wanted to go, and she agreed quickly so I don't think she was using the car as an excuse.
The date was great, I enjoy spending time with her and am very attracted to her. There was no kiss, although I looked for an opportunity I never really felt like it was mutually felt so I refrained, I just gave her a hug at the end, and held it a little longer than a friendly hug. So the date was great but I do feel that her actions leading up to it were disrespectful, which has made me put up some walls.
I apologize for being so long winded, but if you made it this far and are still following along, I do have concerns about:
- the lack of priority she put on our date, moving it around for other plans,
- asking fisher to drive her to the game an hour away and not asking me (btw, gg and fisher don't really know each other, only talking once at my party)
Do you guys think her actions were disrespectful or if I'm expecting to much being that we had never gone out before and she didn't owe me anything?
Do you guys think her actions were disrespectful or if I'm expecting to much being that we had never gone out before and she didn't owe me anything?
Dude, you gots the GG lust real bad. You seem a little possessive and you haven't even swapped slobber yet. Not good.
Here I go agreeing with Doodler again but yeah wow. That was exhausting just reading it all. Can't imagine living it. For a minute there it was like a throwback to high school.
To be fair it's hard to get a read on the group dynamic without being there but I can totally see how things could get very messy between friends if the goal is dating or even hooking up. I get a very squeezy feeling just reading about it. "Don't talk to her, I like her."
I'd be guessing if I gave any detailed thoughts.
You just seem to be getting really invested really soon and then expecting certain behavior right out of the gate. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. It's just a date - or at least should be at this point. Makes me wonder if you're ready for it all?
So trying a different device.
It looks like GG is going exactly what she is supposed to be doing.
Dating.
She isn't responsible for your feelings about dating.
And actually I don't get it. If an old bird like V can get two dates a week then it must be possible.
I chat to peeps, find out if they are free to date, exchange numbers, chat some more, have coffee then if all ok go on dates.
Go have fun And date.
V
Ahhhhh, we have something in common here, although I learned to scale it back.
We expect people to treat us as we would treat them. The thing is, people don't always think like us and that doesn't make it right or wrong. You had a picture of how things would go when you asked her out on a date, and she had another. To her, it's a casual first date and she may be wanting to date around. You are meeting up with a bunch of guys and girls, and interest may be taken in more than one guy, or girl for that matter. You have no commitments to each other.
Dating is what it is. There is really no level of loyalty on the first date. You are triggered because you know the other person. You would have no clue if she was doing this if it wasn't a person in the group. And she could have a bunch of different dates lined up for the weekend just as you could.
Hang in there. You'll find what works for you, what are willing to accept and what your dealbreakers are. And they will change from time to time.
I want to quote and reply, but don't want the message to disappear, so i'll just do generic. Doodler, I am a bit gaga over gg.. I don't know why, there are other girls I could date, but I just aren't interested in them, and gg checks off a lot less boxes than they do on my "what I want list".. I also think that is a big part of the problem, I'm not dating others.. all your eggs in one basket type thing. I'm pretty sure the only reason I became so attracted to gg, and why I'm currently overlooking a LOT of red flags (of which I've only mentioned 4 children living at home) is because I initially was attracted to her almost 3 months ago and that attraction kept brewing for another 2 months or so before I actually got a chance to start talking to her and getting to know her.
Don, ahh, high school.. that comment hurt more than most 2x4's that I've gotten here at DB, but it does come across that way. Although I went on one date a few weeks ago, it was just dinner (we met and parted ways at the restaurant) and it was just an opportunity to follow up on good conversation we had at a previous outing. I wasn't emotionally connected at all, but was there just to see if there was anything there. It was different with gg, this was my first date with someone I really was into and wanted to spend time with. Hopefully it's just the "newness" of dating that caused me to build it up so much and it will diminish over time. As for dating within group, it definitely could get squishy if we date within, but it's a singles group and wouldn't want anyone to not take that step if they found someone they like. As for possessive, I know gg dates, although I don't know if she is dating someone right now and it doesn't matter to me, my issue was with someone I consider a friend hitting on a girl that he knows I've been talking / trying to talk to for months. Like I said, if she liked him and went after him, I would step back, but my issue was with my perception that "he" was trying to hook up with her.
Vanilla, she isn't responsible for how I feel about dating, but if she is hitting on someone in my presence then I would walk away, no hard feelings but not willing to be treated as such. It's hard with her, because she has told me that if she does something that bothers me, to let her know because she has to sometimes learn acceptable social behavior due to a medical condition, but she didn't say what condition. For the record, it is not generally obvious that she has an issue, she only brought it up after I mentioned her ignoring me at game nights. So I still don't know if she was hitting on my friend or just literally needed a ride and didn't want me to feel obligated. As for dating others, there are others I could date, although I don't know I could meet the # of people you do, sounds exhausting to be honest, and I won't hesitate to line up another date if I feel so inclined. I'm not trying to put all my eggs in one basket, but she's the first so until I meet someone else she will be the only.
Ginger, I have no issue if she dates others, but I will not date her if she's dating other people that I hang out with, just to weird for me, like what if all three are at an event together. For the most part the singles group is mostly women, like 95% women, so there hasn't been much dating within the group and most see the group as a way to get out and do things and maybe meet other people while out. I don't think it is seen as a hook-up hangout by most.
Overall, I definitely got to invested too soon, I was excited about it and found myself dwelling on the excitement. I knew it was bad, but something I'd been waiting so long for. Date was two days ago, we only communicated a little by text yesterday after I told her I enjoyed the date, and I haven't really put any thought into a follow up date. I have leveled out a bit, I recognize that while I may really be attracted to her, I don't think there is much long term potential, so I'm trying to get to a place that it's just fun... I'm thinking dating is like anything else, the more you do it the better you get at it, so every date and interaction is beneficial in the long run.
There may be too many red flags for you to handle right now. 4 kids at home, medical conditions that cause for social issues....
This is what I was saying, WTF? Men seem to go gaga over these woman who have "baggage" and "issues"
Is it a physical attraction that has you so into her? What is that makes you so interested?
I am curious, trying to figure out the way a guy's mind works, because I have no clue.
Also, How long have you been doing these meet-ups? It's only been a few weeks, right? I mean, how close is this friend really?
There may be too many red flags for you to handle right now. 4 kids at home, medical conditions that cause for social issues....
and I think there's more, at least she said there was more at my party but didn't expand.
This is what I was saying, WTF? Men seem to go gaga over these woman who have "baggage" and "issues"
I don't think that's the case, I was gaga over her before I knew of the baggage (except I did know she had kids, but how old and how many I didn't).
A big part of why I stopped talking to witty was her baggage, but if she had been as attractive as I built up in my mind, who knows, maybe it would have been different. I have a hard time figuring out why my mind works the way it does, much less explaining it.
I will say this though, if a girl needs saving, it may create a feeling that the playing field is more level. In general, I (as a guy) think the woman have a huge advantage, which is caused by aggressive guys constantly approaching, complementing, going after her.
I don't think girls have to work as hard to be desirable, so when there is baggage they may not seem to have such an advantage and more obtainable. Even gg made a comment at dinner that when you end it with a guy another guy just seems to slide right in to his place, most guys could not make that statement about girls.
The other day I was watching a comic, he did a routine about girls not thinking it's fair that a guy who sleeps with a lot of woman is considered a Stud, but a girl who does the same thing is considered a Slut. He went on to say for a guy to do it, he has to be attractive, have a great personality, charm, some money to pay for the outings, but for a girl to do it she just has to be present, so it's easy for her.
I know that is not always the case, but looking big picture, it's what I see in the world.
Is it a physical attraction that has you so into her? What is that makes you so interested?
In this case, absolutely, I am attracted to her. I've really only had two LTR, one was a girlfriend for about 5 years, the other was my ex. Here's the thing, that girlfriend, my ex, and GG have the same physical traits. Primarily petite blondes. because GG is what is obviously my "preferred" look, I'm a lot more forgiving. Although I really want to focus on a lot more for a LTR, I am willing to put up with a lot more spend time with her for the short time. FWIW, we have not talked about what we each want, so I have no idea what she is looking for.
I am curious, trying to figure out the way a guy's mind works, because I have no clue.
If I knew a way to tell you I would, and hope that you would return the favor. Ultimately, I think Vanilla's strategy would be most effective for you, just strike up conversation with every guy you see that you would like to go out with. I can tell you this, 99% of guys don't care what you say if you start talking to them.
Also, How long have you been doing these meet-ups? It's only been a few weeks, right? I mean, how close is this friend really?
I met gg on 2/5, and I started hanging out with the singles group on 2/13. the definition of close friend is relative, since prior to meeting them I didn't know anyone in town. They are my best friends that I see in person on a regular basis. We spend a lot of time with just us 5, dinners, hanging out at each others houses, as well as texting between us all and phone calls. I don't have history with them, but I've had at least one deep conversation with each of them, some of them more, and have shared personal things about me that I don't just bring up with acquaintances.
OK
That's not every guy you see that you would like to go out with! It's two guys a day, whatever age or background. The aim is to chat to new guys, not just those you are attracted to. It's GAL!
They have friends etc, on more than one occasion I have been introduced by the person I am chatting with to someone I might be interested in, not on that occasion but on a subsequent one.
And on another the guy was suitable and introduced to a friend of mine!
On those occasions you are prevalidated.
V