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Just a Vanilla change 35 Abuse resource Vanilla and Zelda
Abuse Resources V
So new thread, it's appropriate.
V intends to learn to date and is going GAL.
So thank you, all of my tribe for getting me to this point.
The next phase begins.......
Let's have one long thread party.
V
So any hints from experienced daters?
Don't be shy......
V
OK great date.
Young guy lied about his age! He is 35 not 39........
What now?
V
Well what do you want? If it's just a "friend with benefits" it could be fun. (Young men do have stamina). If you're looking for a long term relationship he's probably not the one.
Hi Lady V , any more details of the date ??
I dated for about 6 months and i met quite a few ladies. It took me one or two dates to get and idea of them and maybe three to see the 'real' them. I tended to have a meal on the first date and then do something different on the second ( off road driving , a day at the seaside , boating, etc) this gave me an idea of their personality.
I very aware that im no looker but i put up my pictures and they were current , i was genuinely shocked at how some looked compared to their pictures , on a couple of occasions it wasn't even funny !!!
I was very open and honest because that's what i wanted but again I was taken back by some of the things I was told that were obvious lies.
From all the dates i met two very nice ladies that i felt suited me , one lived far away and the other i have been with for about 9 months now.
I suppose the dating pool is like the rest of the world , very mixed so tread carefully and enjoy the experiance. Put yourself out there and see what happens. It's always nice to meet people and we all have very interesting stories, so even hearing those can be entertaining.
As for advice , RUN from people who have , never got the breaks , should have had promotion BUT, people who live on that negative road, those with lots of regrets, this may sound harsh but there are positive people out there and they are great to be around. I made that priority because for me thats very important.
Lastly , don't settle, there is someone out there for you and he will be valuable addition to your life.
Just my thoughts.
Take care , Rd
Well what do you want? If it's just a "friend with benefits" it could be fun. (Young men do have stamina). If you're looking for a long term relationship he's probably not the one.
He is looking for a LTR! I just want to date.....
He is very sweet but far too young for me and quite vulnerable as he is an LBS.
V
RD
My lovely kind friend, I was so delighted when I learned you have treasure in your life, a lovely beautiful lady to gladden your heart. You deserve so much, is it 9 months already? Time flies.
It makes my heart hope for my tribe, that each one will become who they need to be and find peace and happiness.
My date went well, I measured this young man was vulnerable and lonely. So whilst I can offer friendship and dating (even with benefits) that would not be wise of me.
I was surprised at your observation on looks, mainly because it makes no sense. The only reason I can think is that others present the best of themselves, wanting to be chosen. In real life that will unravel. I am aware that I photograph well, that (at least when I am slim!) that slightly glamorous film star quality that photographs well. Not like glam sis who is as glamorous in photos as she is in life. But well enough, I think to pass for whom I am, although I guess guys might be disappointed in my slightly eccentric appearance.
I have had two dates since, one guy was pleasant enough but no real spark and he had little interest in much other than TV. The second guy was more interesting but he wasn't interested in me really. He spent our hour telling me about his ex. When he rang to make another date, I said "you are still in love with your ex, you aren't free to date". He agreed, although he said she has moved on. I said you will too in time. His ex was a WAW and he did nothing to repair his R, he just let her go, he discovered the loss of R was his neglect after she had gone 6 months. He wants that back and has not worked his stuff. Such is heart break.
This is a journey for me an interesting one after all. So far three very pleasant coffee dates but these guys were met IRL so no surprises on the "you are not like your picture" front.
I am resting now on the dating front as I have two exams to come and a busy social schedule. Glam sis is flying to a wedding in Thailand from Gatwick, Bestie has her 70 birthday, and another close friend has her H in hospital.
Besides I have 7lbs to loose to look much better than I do (with kit off). But still YM35 saw me in a swim costume and was not put off, a big step for me.
I know I will not be that far behind you on the dating front.
Enjoy your lady RD, I have my bag of rice ready and I need a hat.
V
Recently I have had some lucid dreams, unlike the period where I slept very badly. I can sleep although it isn't that refreshing for me.
In my dreams I exchange conversations with those in my life who have died, although I can't always remember it, I get a sense of peace.
Strangely aged pa isn't among those I have chatted with. They include a close friend who committed suicide, my cat Big G, a neighbour who was wise and beautiful, a friend who was recently murdered by her abusive ex, my grandad, little brother, and a friend who died last year.
I am not saying much in these dreams, it is the others who talk and tell me, largely sitting in conservatories or gardens.
I am finding it hard to find meaning in the dreams unless these are my support team. So far it has been those I know well, but there is no advice. Largely they are disclosing their 'secrets' although why or for which purpose my mind is unsure.
Big G just wanted to sit and then to snooze, his worried ginger face very close to mind. I heard him breathe and sigh before he padded away behind the apple tree.
I would like aged pa to come in my dreams, but I think he has already passed to his future home. I have already said goodbye.
I never dream about H1. I know a boyfriend I had after H1 has died because he has visited me in my dreams. This R was a mistake, I used bf as a bandage to ease my grief. It was hurtful of me and although I never deceived bf or told him I loved him, he had expectations. I let that R drift on too long because it was comfortable and the sex was good. I did not cheat on bf in any way, but I am not proud of letting that R get so one sided. So I am not surprised that he came in my dream for my remorse. Perhaps it was YM35 that triggered that dream.
What would Freud think of that? I ask myself.
So far no sightings of the G in my dreams, I had many night and day terrors of him once upon a time, so I guess he is still alive somewhere.
V
Besides I have 7lbs to loose to look much better than I do (with kit off). But still YM35 saw me in a swim costume and was not put off, a big step for me.
V - if all you have to lose is 7 lbs., let me let you in on a little secret - no man cares about your 7 lbs. Seriously.
I've been underweight and I've been overweight. I can guarantee you, at no point in my life has a man looked at me and thought "damn, if only she didn't have those extra 7 lbs. I'd find her attractive". Even my ex-husband who was a bit of an OCD weight Nazi would not have noticed a measley 7 lbs.
In fact, what I've noticed in my post-divorce dating life - during which my weight has fluctuated over a rather large range - is that I actually got more male attention when I was heavier than in my marriage - most men like voluptuous curves, go figure!
So try just owning those seven extra pounds. It's fine to try to lose them if it really matters to YOU - but don't make the mistake of thinking it matters to men. They probably prefer you as you are now.
Totally agree.
One thing I've understood, is what makes people (women) attractive - and also magnetic and charismatic - is being present, alive and enjoying your own physical being
Related story:
Recently single again after the blowup of my last boyfriend, I chose to take up an offer from someone I briefly dated 5 years ago to come visit. I'll admit to being a little apprehensive - although we'd stayed nominally in touch over those five years, we hadn't seen each other in those years and I'd gained a lot of weight since he last saw me - close to 40 lbs.
Sure enough, he, in that annoying way men have, had actually lost some weight since I last saw him and was sexier than ever. But did he notice my excess weight? Not a bit! In fact he commented on enjoying the view as I climbed the stairs ahead of him and later reveled in my "luscious" curves.
I still plan to lose weight - in fact, I'm down ten lbs. since I started a walking challenge at the start of the year- but it's nice to know that his approval isn't dependent on a few pounds here or there.
I understand and accept what you say Kml and focus.
Being slim all my life (apart from briefly when I had steroids after cancer in 2001) until the G and pneumonia. I mean slim, lighter than average, fit and athletic, able to move and comfortable in my skin.
I am 15lbs over weight and am used to being 7 lbs below ideal. I decided that simoly being 7lbs over would be ok. But 21lbs over where I want to be makes me uncomfortable.
I am not comfortable in my skin like this and yes I know that this might not be logical or ideal, it's the way I feel about me. I rationalise it, and have never really faced this before as I have always been slim and confident. And when I put on weight it was protective of me, the G didn't like it. But today I fear this is holding me back.
I truly would like to think that way kml but I decided my energy would be better placed resolving the weight issue rather than unravelling the mess of thought spaghetti.
I know the dynamic, it isn't lack of awareness of it. I have lost much of the weight (180).
Kml I don't have curves, just lumps. Many gorgeous, gorgeous women look lovely with extra weight. Stunning in fact.
I looked better at 30 to 40 lbs overweight than I do now at 21lbs over my ideal As you said luscious. That's sort of strange I suppose.
Focus I will enjoy being fit and having my ordinary body back, that will give me my confidence in that area. My confidence is OK now in other areas most of the time!
I believe in walking to the pain though and this one is complex and intermittent.
V
That was a 180 not 180 Lbs!
I was 55lbs over weight! Lots and lots for someone 5 ft 4.
Never again, I am never ever doing that again, if an R is not going well the solution isn't extra weight.
Mind you I suppose I did lose 180 lbs and more of extra weight. I lost the G and that was 225 lbs of excess weight. Yes I know it makes no sense that I absorbed the G criticism when he was as overweight as me.
I suspect it's usual in some sitches.
Must go study.......
V
More news.
We had snow a couple of nights ago from 2 am to 6 am.
Some time during the night I had a visitor treking round my back garden leaving foot prints. Small male shoe size. Also sat on back bench
The G was seen in the village.
So G if you are reading this or one of your flying monkeys is, the police are aware, the domestic abuse team are aware and I now have cameras. If I catch you coming any where near my house, trespassing on my land, then this is a tort and I will take civil action as well as pushing for criminal action.
It's harassment. Go live in your hovel in Italy and leave me alone.
V
And yes I haveI turns of the footprints.
I also have witness statements from those who have seen you in the village.
V
I absorbed the G criticism when he was as overweight as me.
I suspect it's usual in some sitches.
It was for me. My X was always overweight. "Extra curvy" I would sometimes call it. When we met I was pretty fit - able to wear a cropped off shirt (it was the 80s) with pride. She would regularly tease me at the beginning, calling me "doughnut boy". As time and poor choices passed we both got a lot heavier. She was 190lbs at 4' 11" at one point and I was 275 at just under 6' She would regularly comment on my being fat and openly worry about my health while bragging about how healthy she was. She had mobility issues because of her weight, fibromialgia and varicose veins the size of small ropes all over her legs.
I think many people don't see themselves but project their own issues on others.
The ghostly visitation is a bit scary. I'm glad you've taken steps to be safe. Be careful out there.
The ghostly visitation is a bit scary.
Hmmm...mucking around in the snow during the night sounds like something only a Canadian would do.
Lady V, your "visitor" worries me. Please take all extra precautions you can. I worry for you and your safety, though I have no doubt you can absolutely take care of yourself.
As for the weight issue, I think I have the opposite problem from you. You mentioned you'd always been thin, athletic, fit and you mentioned that you are short (5'4"). I have always been heavy. I never in my life had a time when I was thin or fit looking. I'm also tall. I'm 5'11". But while I know many men are not into plus size women, I have been lucky to find my share of men who just don't care or even are attracted to someone fuller figured. I recently decided FOR MYSELF I'm going to actively work on becoming more fit and in that endeavor, I believe I will actually lose weight, but I'm not doing it for the sake of being more attractive to men, but mainly because I'm 48 years old and I want to be able to continue to have a fun and active lifestyle for many, many more years and I won't be able to if I just completely let myself go. If you want to lose 7 pounds, go for it, but know, like the others before me said, that men aren't really going to care if you lose it or keep it. I have no doubt that you are a lovely, striking lady in real life. At least my mind's eye paints you that way.
The ghostly visitation is a bit scary.
Hmmm...mucking around in the snow during the night sounds like something only a Canadian would do.
Brits are just Canadians with better beer and less polar bears.
Hi Lady V, take the ' night visitor ' veey seriously, as others have said you don't need to be told that and im so glad to see ypu have taken measures to protect yourself. That is very unpleasant and unnerving. Please be vigilant.
As to the weight thing , i agree with others that 7lbs isn't much. If however it makes a difference to your feelings regarding yourself then go for it and get rid. I know your an attractive lady but it sometimes matters not what others think but how we perceive ourselves.
I am delighted to hear about your dates and watch out for those people just looking for sex , ( their great !!!)
Extra , extra vigilance, G is a berk and I ( among plenty.of others on here no doubt ) would have to fly over and 'explain'and few things to him.
Take extra care, Rd
Brits are just Canadians with better beer and less polar bears.
Yep, and Canadians are some of the nicest people on Earth so if a Canadian is mucking around in your backyard during the night, then most likely, they're doing something helpful.
And, I heard, through the grapevine, that Canadian tryptamines are on sale, 20% off this week. Apparently the Canadian tryptamine is better than British ale.
I love that you are taking these steps to protect yourself.
(you know what they say about men who have small feet)
much love Lady V xoxoxoxo
(you know what they say about men who have small feet)
I am size 11 1/2 EEE - Just putting that out there
Andrew I LOVE YOU! Thanks for that chuckle!
Sadly it wasn't Liam either he is a size 12.
Sigh
V
This morning I hit a brick wall. Been doing great recently and I have an exam at 2 pm. So I have to leave in 10 mins to make the venue, but I am still in bed at 12:15 triggered and experiencing trauma.
I suffer this and walk to the pain, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. My mantra and I play the song Stronger.
Well now I put it out there so it's time to shift my button.
V
Good luck on your exam, V. I know you will knock it out of the park. Hang in there, lady! Lots of love, hugs and prayers are surrounding you.
Thank you lovely gorgeous Dawn.
I pushed through my shame of wasting time today and took myself to the door of hell. I am so tired and triggered, it happens.
Probably didn't do as well as I should, but I did it.
I guess it's shame of who I am, of not being healed of allowing crap to rot my soul. It passes but cripples emotions. The damage of abuse continues.
Sharp spikes of shame.
I am ashamed of me and only being honest works to face it.
V
Dearest V,
The shame isn't yours, it's his for causing such harm to another.
Healing takes time. You are one of the most courageous people here. You may be afraid, but you face it down and get on with life.
Are you better than you were yesterday? A month ago? Last year? Healing is a marathon, not a sprint.
From my perspective, you're amazing!
xoxoxoxoxo
RD I am taking my night visitor very seriously I promise. Some friends have gone on holiday for their fortieth anniversary and I am caring for their very elderly rottweiler called Scooby. No teeth and wants to lick you and he adores his aunty V. Nothing to do with gravy bones in pockets, oh not at all.
But he has a loud bark, so I am feeling quite safe.
I think the G is back in Italy, for my sake I won't say how I know, but it doesn't involve snooping.
I bought some clothes and a couple of glam necklaces on eBay for very little cash. I also bid on a couple of items.
I think about philosophical stuff quite a lot these days, maybe it's age.
I have very vivid dreams too. There is a buddist thinking about 'shattering', that ones heart gets shattered and put together in a life time.
I love this idea, I think it was gan who once said there is a porcelain which is repaired with gold and remade. Kintsugi, and that is my core. I have a Kintsugi heart repaired by kindness of strangers with gold leaf and made to be better than before.
It would make a good handle one day. Apt. Kintsugi.
Today someone said to me V, you are an adult now. I am unsure exactly what that meant I was before, but the comment pleased me. Yes, I have grown up and it pleases me to think someone else sees it too.
Buttrfly thank you for your lovely words. It is interesting you ask those questions because it's hard to see shift in oneself. Frankly I never see myself as courageous, I don't think we ever do truly see ourselves as others see us. There are days I barely cope with life, days I don't see the wood for the trees and other days when the world is fine and sunny. These challenges were not those I would have chosen at this stage in life. But these challenges are less than some others have faced, that does not invalidate my challenges. But really V get over yourself already. I look and read about some of the mums and dads on this board with waywards and who are the bedrock for their children, my heart bleeds for them.
Some sitches are so so crazy loco, that when I read them I think WTF! And now I know mine is one of those where this stuff and actions of abusers and waywards are unbelievable. You truly could not make this stuff up. Crazy stuff to be read on here, fermented oatmeal to cure VD and Lyme, going Alaskan, disappearing spouses poof gone, sex trade workers going wild, some of this stuff is truly bonkers. Truly truly bonkers.
Yet lives are rebuilt, hearts repaired with gold and we go on.
So amy I better than I was? Possibly not but I am surely different. I am an adult.
V
Oh my god yes, the fermented oatmeal cure!!!! Almost forgot about that one!
You can never forget fermented OATMEAL!
I guess I was triggered by the G and the back garden and now i am panic and anxious about lots of random stuff. Things worry me more than they should when I have had a PTSD incident.
The big house not selling for instance, fins are very dire still as every penny is going to fight the G legally and pay his settlement. I hate it that it is like this. Truly do hate it.
I feel overwhelmed and overloaded at work, trying to do lots of stuff. It is a problem for me to make changes when I am in this mode. Truly it is an issue and I don't want it.
A couple of minor screw ups that I would take in my stride and that's it, life is a tragedy in my head. Of course outwardly it's ok, I am like a Swan paddling furiously under water. I get it.
Then I think I should retire, stick my head in the sand and just fade. But I can't, I have bills, debts, loans and other stuff I have to clear first.
The G is paid off but my L isn't. Things need handling and resolving. The credit cards paid off. I am timid and hesitant sometimes, unsure of my position. And I make mistakes, that's so easy when you are triggered, you can make mistakes by doing stuff and you can make mistakes by not doing stuff. My work is very complex and it needs a clear head which I often don't have. Sometimes I think I am losing my grip but then I am not losing my grip.
They say FEAR is false evidence appearing real, but trust me that isn't the case, you aren't paranoid if they really are out to get you. And you can be afraid if there are monsters in the back garden.
It's hard to remember you are trying to drain the swamp when you are knee deep in alligators. I wish I had aged pa to talk to, his voice and love always calmed my nervous system.
Back to studying, I think I should go dancing tonight.
V
V, the way you write is like reading a book of poetry, not the rhyming kind, but the kind that comes together when you least expect it. I'll be honest, I don't always get the meaning behind some of your posts, but I do enjoy reading them.
Anyway, keep paddling furiously under water, just make sure that your beak keeps pointing towards the most important destination and that you're not going in circles. Getting to one place and crossing that off the list has a remarkable way of removing burden from how many other places you must paddle to.
I have been powering your words Coconut. Thank you for the frankness on my writing. I accept the compliment.
I think maybe that I could be clearer on my rambling thoughts sometimes. I confess I think in film style with subtitles and sound. And often with music, so perhaps that's why it's lyrical I think. Sort of like a film projected onto a 3D screen.
Trauma is tough to write about, the experience is vivid and triggering. I would ask that you consider that being triggered is of itself a reaction to a trauma and that it does not need to be diagnosed, just felt. If it seems like a PTSD reaction that you have experienced, if its that to you then it likely is.
You can heal such trauma and be freed from triggering, it sounds odd because to walk to the pain and to agree that the trauma can be ok seems contrary to logic. It works, we can be authentic and free of trauma, we can acknowledge it and be open about it, and we can win release of it. Sort of like lancing a boil to release the poison. You are pushed to let trauma go. It is a drive to health.
V
I have been pondering revenge. I felt like getting even with the G for his meaness, waste and destruction.
Now I know that he has given himself my revenge. Delivered my revenge to himself. Like posting a poison pen letter with his own address.
Sleeping in his exW back garden in the snow whilst drunk and locked out of the warmth is revenge from the universe.
Gotta love it.
V
Just thought I would relay a short convo I had last night with a fellow (female) dancer. She said (I will call him A) "why did you never date A ten years ago, he was very keen on you". I said "he never asked me". She said "figures".
We both laughed a lot.
V
"A" lost out, lovely V....his mistake.
Have to agree with Dawn , 'A' lost out big time.
Take care , Rd
Hello V
Just checked your recent posts.
How’s it going? How was Easter? How are you, with the DB stitch and generally?
Surfer
Surfer
Thank you for asking, but more tof the point how are you?
How is the healing going? Career, family......
You are right this recent episode with the G sleeping on the bench in the back garden in a snow storm was triggering, just this side of crazy.
He keeps going back to my L saying he has no money to support his lifestyle! For a 9 month M!
I am the main breadwinner and have fought to stay afloat. Taking on extra work and cutting back until it bled. Of course he won't get more from me, but he claims he was taken advantage of by me financially. At least that's what he keeps telling the court in the next round of legal abuse. In many ways my sitch is like many men on here who are the fin supporter of their families. This isn't a sex bias thing, it's an asset bias thing.
I just handle it.
That's all one can do. Treat this whole damn thing as a big life lesson. Having said all that I am studying law at a prestigious college and it's so good for my mind.
Gradually lost 55 lbs with 15 lbs more to go. Getting fitter but stuck with the extra which I don't like at all. So exploring choices, only thing I haven't done is stop eating altogether (fasting) although I juice fast and started healing, been doing that since Oct 2015. But I am stuck so change it up.
I still study psychology and as you know did a counselling and psychotherapy course for abused peeps. I got my NLP qualification too.
So with that in mind recently spent some personal time looking at epigenetic and am going to change my diet and exercise program accordingly.
I keep busy and I GAL too. Started jiving again which is so fun. Music and exercise.
Even dipped my toe in the dating world. On line dating isn't for me, had some scammers and thank you had enough of being conned!
My latest research project is to look at how physiology and psychology interact. I would like to sharpen my few remain brain cells looking at autophagy. What has struck me with full force is what damage waywardness does to the wayward. The mindset and lifestyle, I subscribe to a service where I can examine abstracts on my chosen subjects.
There are some fascinating studies on the degeneration and decompensation of the mentally ill and those with personality disorders. The prevalence of serious degenerative disease, advanced aging, senility, life style induced parkinsons and other degenerative diseases of kidneys and the liver. This is as compared to those who become ill as a result of genetic or exposures. The wayward in general has a poorer prognosis.
I was interested partly because I noticed how at a point in the cycle of abuse the target goes 'uggggggggg.....' and observes ugliness in the abuser. I have also observed that this appears to happen here when the LBS goes 'uggggggggg.......' sometimes it's something as simple as seeing that stare of malice and at others it can be the misuse of a child or a new OP.
Then it occurred to me that this wasn't anger, although I love seeing anger in a sitch as it usually marks a big change. For me I have no anger, no vengeance no requirement to forgive. Then it struck me my spell break was around disgust. Duh! For an emotional sophisticated individual that took some time.
Then it struck me that disgust was a marker in a sitch. When a poster goes 'urgggggg' and until they do they don't detatch. Disgust is a prime human emotion driven by the autonomic nervous system. It's something I am working with, quietly and in my own way. This is partly because through the G I learned to be disgusted with myself and from there is a short step to the state of despising oneself. Not good but that was how low I had sunk, I even wrote contempt wasn't a boundary. It is now.
Despising is different from shame or guilt. None of this is pleasant although the recent shadow work I did to accept that this exists was very helpful. Even empaths have a dark side.
But anger, disgust and joy won't get us to detachment. The opposite of love which is a body state and a choice isn't hate but indifference. So I cycle between indifference and disgust with the G. Shadow personality indeed.....
No longer Vanilla but Charcoal.
Pleased to say health is so much better with extreme care. At some stage when I have more formed views then will ask focus to help to add a recovery (extreme self care) thread to the abuse threads. It's vital to get that right as each of us has our own path to healing and self care.
Each sour cycle, (no longer get the sweet part) of the G, leaves me reeling, incidents are getting further apart and I am recovering more quickly. Getting more proactive too. Some of it makes me belly laugh.
Not looking for an R but I want to date a little. Sometimes I cope and at others Nooooooooo. Had a few pleasant coffees but no real sparks fly. A lovely young man is now a friend and I have someone I am very attracted to at dancing. He is single too and seems to like me a little. We shall see.
These are big baby steps for sure. I am expectING big reaction from the G if he discovers I am dating. Mainly because he wants money and will figure I have recovered financially if I am dating. So I keep it all on the downlow and away from my village. It's a great plan.
That was more than you asked, but it is always helpful to respond.
Hugs
V
Dawn and RD
Thank you.
A is no longer available, he is in an R and has moved away, so I guess he (eventually) asked his lady out, otherwise (maybe) as they say 'she jumped' and he stayed still.
Good for him.
V
It's bestIe 70 birthday today.
So it's her centre of attention thing, she does it well!
Bestie has been amazing and supportive since the G started his rubbish behaviour. Encouraging and offering great GAL.
Wasn't sure what to get her for her birthday (fins so dire) so created a voucher for her and her H to have a dirty weekend in my Brighton flat.
What a wonderful gift , i spent many a
' weekend ' in brighton in my younger years.
Very thoughtful of you
Take care , Rd
What an amazing idea!
I've heard Brighton is an amazing place x
Brighton is unique, no where like it anywhere.
A complete city of quirky, arty, student focused, seaside city. It has history culture and tat. The city of gay pride and carnivals.
I love it, and I love going there.
It is quintessentially English with eccentricity. Whole shops are dedicated to the out and out funky. It has night life and fish 'n chips. Within striking distance of Gatwick.
If you fancy a trip let me know.
V
Awww, thank you!!
It sounds just up my street, from the way you describe it :))
I'm not at all familiar with Brighton, but what a fabulous gift for your friend. GREAT idea! I love gifts like that...so heartfelt. Way to go, V!
Mwah! Morning Darlin V ... or good afternoon in your neck of the woods ... stopping by to say cheerio and to tell you that i'm sending hugs all the way across the Atlantic ... brave of you to venture over to my chickpad on the darkside xoxoxoxo nice to "see" you there xoxoxoxo
Omg the g sleeping on the bench In
The back yard!!!!!!
That's gold, that would make me so uncomfortable.
I've been getting sent messages by mutual friends and tbh I don't want to hear them.
Stuff like xh2 and ow are building a Mc mansion at a coastal location.
On one hand I don't care on the other I want them to Bulid it and go, be gone like the Shakespeare's play "out out d@mn spot! " or the goodies fri. The '70's.
S is unhappy in his job, and wants to change it. He has big loans so he will have to be careful with his money, that's outside my control.
It's good your still moving forward, you sound happy sounds like he's not tho.
GG
It is so fabulous to hear from you. I have missed you my gorgeous wonderful funny aussie friend, with the rainbow eyes.
I am coming straight over to your thread to catch up
Biggest hugs
V
So shift.
The recent incident of the snowman footsteps in the night has created the next shift.
I had lost my wicked humour (threw it in the attic when the G started his raging and tantrums). Yes, Jim (love you wherever you are) he was thrashing like your two year old. A very dangerous two year old, capable of great damage.
And Edz, glad you repaired your M with your walkaway but you believe humour although a risk was important when wading through a sewer. Oh and hold your head up high.
My tribe who got me through those early days of crazy, RD my special Irish friend who has love that's real, 9 months dating so proud of you.
Oh yes, whilst having a clear out I found the wicked humour box, the creature in it was still alive, thank goodness.
It feels good to be V right now. To be in the sunshine and alive. So so good.
It might have been sooner but I doubt it. Although I did DB full on for a while I was lucky, the G and his crazy abuse was event and it is very clear that DB abuse is not a good thing. It makes it worse.
And the G would not leave, wouldn't go. My house and I left! The G wanted cake and abused to get it. Goddamn it he wanted it all and to abuse as well.
We are still not D, oh yes the fins are done. The G won't get the last tranche until he pulls objection to the D. Another couple of months and his ability to do that will be gone and the D has to restart.
If he wants D he will need my consent, and that will cost the last tranche of his cash or he can wait until I file again after 5 years from 2 May 2015.
Oh yes I could end up being M to this jerk until 2 May 2020. But he won't get his cash. Maybe that's what he wants?
I feel so powerful right now. And unafraid and full of mischief.
And he can't come near me, the nice judge says so. And if he does the nice policeman will take him away.
I am moving on with my life.
And he can't M the BIT how convenient for him, and she knows. She haunts my FB page and an admirer of mine in the G outer circle has shown the footsteps photos to the BIT daughter.
Oh how sweet are the small victories.
Now I have them I can move on.
I would like all the LBS here to have small sweet victories to shift, we bare a lot and we bear alot. We deserve the shift, it's ours by right. And I do believe that ultimately it's the target, usually the LBS who says enough and it's done.
And it my case it's done and I am laughing with wicked humour.
It's almost a cackle.
V
Mwah! Morning Darlin V ... or good afternoon in your neck of the woods ... stopping by to say cheerio and to tell you that i'm sending hugs all the way across the Atlantic ... brave of you to venture over to my chickpad on the darkside xoxoxoxo nice to "see" you there xoxoxoxo
Bttrfly
You are one of the rare creatures from MLC land that ventures out. I am one of the rare ones that ventures in.
It's like a quest of doom when I go in, a quick post and out. Darkside is correct! It's full of good folk with spouses who are scarey ass dudes and dudesses (if there is such a thing) having a condition that doesn't exist and can't be treated. The condition it's rumoured just spontaneously remit after years of suffering from entitlement and self importance. Providing the spouse hangs on by their finger nails and lives on shite sandwiches with a side dish of hope.
All the spouse can do is wait it out and 'take it' until, the condition resolves or they die. Sort of like having a parasite which might kill you one day.
I was lucky I avoided the cheeseless tunnel of MLC. My dude of crumminess went straight to full on abuse and skipped the MLC crazy loco mode of doom. He went terminal shining his hate and spew threatening harm all the way. I have a spare spew jacket and perspex spit shield to hire out.
As a result I came straight here, from newcomers to the sunniest of spots where folk recover, the slow Lane of DB but the most pleasant. Where folk chat easily and laugh a bit and get on with the serious jobs of recovery and getting a new life.
This is the land of having let go or at least 2anting to let go (a process), we get our shite sandwiches of stupidity and absolute horror of dire fins. But we got our INTEL, no need to snoop.
Our exes attend our grandmothers funerals with their OP, sleep in our back garden in the snow, marry OP, steal our insemination kits and do horrible things to our kids.
The thing is, we know they are loco and are glad they are there and we are here. We know we have been cheated on, lied to, stolen from and (in general) although it's tough most of us are glad we are free. More in sorrow than anything else but it's ok. We are D, our troubles are new partners, perhaps finding and trusting or even saying 'nah' and getting on.
That MLC place is real scarey to me, I could have disappeared in there, I am the type that empathises with those with FOO, bad decisions and thinks that peeps are basically ok. That sweet partner we once loved will return one day and zip up or put their knickers back on and all will be ok.
Thank God I am not in there. I resist the temptation to rush in there and say WTF are you doing working on hope with a lying cheating wassock? OK I kind of get hanging on when there has been no cheating, and yes I know there are special sorts of cheaters and abusers that are unlike other cheaters and abusers. Nice glitter ball ones with promise. Ones that might return with brain cells. Sort of like the winner in the Hunger Games gets to stay alive, the MLC spouse wins another ride.
But I don't get it, truly don't get it. Perhaps there are nice chick and guy pads in there. If I go in then I will Buffy and slay those vampires. Afraid I see the abusive as a species that should be taken to the Atlantic and dumped unceremoniously overboard in a life raft to live forever. It's a fact that the entitled don't go live with another entitled, there is no marrow to suck. No fresh blood of Virgins to drain.
Oh, that MLC area is one h@ll of a dark place, land of those living with the living dead. If it were me I would say, hell there are zombie MLC folk feeding in there, run.
Oh boy, oh boy. I love the land of the living and Surviving the D is the very best area of the board with wonderful strong folk growing, shifting and although struggling, getting a new life. Past neighbours return to say hi V, how are you doing, things are super great, and I smile and am so happy.
Aren't you tempted?
V
Hi Lady V , wonderful post, your bare all comment is so true. In my humble opinion you never lost your humour or the true lady V but more it was buried under all the crap. It did shine through with your loving and caring posts for others bit for yourself it was buried.
It is all about letting go and moving forward while accepting our own failings. In your case there wasn't any failings, your H was/ is a very unpleasant character and only your caring nature stopped you seeing what was apparent to others including your wonderful Pa.
9 months and all is good. S23 ( hard to believe) had his birthday yesterday and we had a great day. Out last night for the family meal to which GF joins but no overnights at home with GF yet. Youngest is 13 and while she thinks GF is great , I'm very mindful of her and the others about bringing GF too far into their lives too quickly.
We can all find happiness but imho we have to be happy with ourselves first. Now lady V is finding happiness in herself, her Mr Charming will make himself known. You truly deserve someone you will treat you the way you will treat them. Lady V is back and ready to take on the world.
Take care, Rd
I for one agree 100 percent with this post.
I think many of us start out in newcomers clinging on to that last bit of hope to salvage our marriage. That's what this forum offers us. Hope.
When i first came on, the overall tone was to look at our actions. Make changes. I even read posts advising people to eat that sh!t sandwich.
But lets use some logic and self preservation people!!! Why the h@ll would anyone eat a sh!t sandwich? You would suffer from ecoli and all other sorts of dangerous microbes that could kill you! What the hell type of advise is that? There's no logic to the analogy. Nor to the advise.
Most people on here arent coming on here because they are saving a marriage. They are on here trying to justify staying in an abusive marriage.
Abuse is cheating. Abuse is financial infidelity. It's not complaining cause someone left the toilet seat up. I haven't read LBS complaining cause the toilet seat was left up.
Ju
Here is a T shirt, it says "I am not eating shite sandwiches any more".
Sometimes, we have to wait until peeps have the spell break, then they need the T shirt.
Abuse comes in all shapes and sizes and with all colours of wrapping round the sandwich. But the taste is the same no matter the wrapping.
Spit it out.
Trouble is each one has their own journey to spell break. Once you know then you can't unknow.
So having reached the wonderful point of knowing then it's obvious in others sitches isn't it. Would we can save others the pain and the sandwiches. But we can't, no go.
I have had posters tell me something written was a wake up call or a different view caused spell break. And even after spell break the serving of the sandwiches doesn't stop.
It can even be on someone else's thread.
One very kind poster told me some written words would not go out of his mind, so when the next plate of sandwiches arrived he went "noooooooooo" done.
CooOol.
You never know, but those folk in MLC land (want to wrap you all in love and hugs) who seldom venture out seem to hot house those sandwiches. I suppose if you eat them in small bites over a long time it's ok (well better than a steaming pile).
But I am with you Ju, we can wear our T shirts.
As I made my mantra for a long time "I will not be abused" now it's "life is for living"
--------------------------
On a different note and extreme self care, I had very good news in deed.
Whilst I was with the G , I put on weight and my health slid down hill. Very very fast.
Especially my eyesight and my teeth.
TWO things
I had my diabetic eye check today, my glaucoma pressure is now 7! That's amazing for my age. And my eyesight glasses prescription is back to that which it was before I met the G! Unheard of. Especially as I was told my eyesight was failing.
Skipping.
I also had my jaw checked, the holey Swiss cheese jaw of doom and unlikely as it seems I have regrown bone! Not supposed to be possible at my age.
Oh yes......
Extreme self care works. EXTREME.
Excuse me whilst I whistle a happy tune.
V
Awesome news V! Your body is back to working for you!
My spell break was 9 months post BD. I was on the phone with ex reminding him of how he didnt even want to talk to me at work when i was upset that i had to induce my miscarriage. I had been going to work for weeks with a dead fetus in me. (We were arguing about who was wrong in the relationship and I recognized how unsupportive he had been. What a useless, tunnel to go down) he went and said to me.."yeah. (Admitted that he was unsupportive) but thats because you wished for the miscarriage " (umm..no. I was scared cause i was diagnosed with melanoma and was afraid they would tell me I had to abort) the fact that he used against me something so painful made me realize how horrible he was/is.
Now he acts all nice and agreeable. Nut i think back to that and am really disgusted by him. And he was completely unsupportive during any health crises.
Here's the thing. The degree of your ex's sociopathy helped you spell break quicker. In a way his extreme cruelties was a good thing.
My ex's coldness and ability to discard and never look back was a good thing for me too. I had no choice but to move on.
Only other "man" on here who left in a similar fashion I believe was gingers ex.
But its good that he left. My life is easier without him then with him. That's for sure.
Lady V, this in incredible news on the health front!!
And I absolutely love everything else that you said as well.
A wise woman once said to me 'what you allow is what will continue'. She was someone in the industry, and I think she knew about XH and his affair. I think she was telling me (but I didn't quite understand what she meant, fully, because I honestly didn't think that my H could cheat). Well, there we go.
The ball is rolling now, you have proof that extreme self care works! And it's the path to go down.
Lady V, I'm smiling a smile so big that it would take a whole crew of big burly men to hold me down and wipe it off my face (oh, that might be fun........wait, what was I talking about?). I'm SO excited for you I literally want to jump up and down and scream and hug you. This post is one of the best ones I have read in a long time and I'm THRILLED beyond measure that you are on the path to a complete healing health-wise and heart-wise.
You are a tower of strength, courage, wisdom, support for many on these boards, Lady V and I'm convinced we all know that you are absolutely fabulous. Sounds like you are starting to see it again too and I couldn't be happier for you.
So tickled for you! I wish I could hug you, but you'll have to settle for a virtual hug and tail wags from Molly. She would want to throw in puppy kisses too, I'm sure.
I am so glad to come here and read that your health is improving. Stress takes a toll on us and sometimes we don't even realize it.
I think your trip to visit your friend may have been just what the doctor ordered for you. You sound very strong and super positive.
Please take care of yourself. You are an inspiration to all of us.
Vanilla, I am sending you a link in Newcomers. I think this is one that needs your special touch..........if you feel well enough.
((hugs))
Thanks Vanilla, that post to the newcomer was very plain and well written.....as always. I knew you could express the right message. I hope he will heed your words.
Sandi
Sadly I suspect that this poster may not be back as I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear.
You never know and there are lurkers who need the message too.
V
Strange my posts are not visible☹️
Tried the PC rather than phone.
The crux was:
How are you?
Have you sorted the D with the G?
BTW great job on the weight loss!!! Very impressive!!
Surfer
No news on the D with the G, but his cash settlement is in the hands of my L. The G is using a 'fake' L with no money laundering or data protection registration so the cash stays with my L.
No D no cash, the nice judge says so. The G says no, he wants money.
I stand firm 'no D no cash', and the G needs money cash and all that.
I am in neh and Meh. I actually don't care now I have a sealed settlement and I am LRT plus plus. So I think I can date now, although it's awkward to explain, I am S not D. But actually the D part will lapse on the 2 May and this means I can't file without agreement until 2 May 2020. So be it.
The BIT haunts my FB pages, I guess he has said that I won't D, no D no cash. I am thinking what an idiot. At least he knows that the money is with L. He has stopped driving by the house at least so all quiet on the western front.
You haven't said how things are with you. Update please.
V
The real question is how long will it take BIT to realize the patheticness of a man that puts himself in a position in which someone needs to pay him off, just to get rid of him!!!! He certainly takes the pathetic award. Just leave it on him while he sleeps on a bench.
So I am dating!
First date with cute guy.
V
So I am dating!
First date with cute guy.
V
Vanilla,
Awesome! Just remember, no hanky-panky on the first date unless you feel like it.
That's great news vanilla
So I am dating!
First date with cute guy.
V
Vanilla,
Awesome! Just remember, no hanky-panky on the first date unless you feel like it.
No hinky panty just hanky.
V
That's great news vanilla
Thank you GG
Lady V,
Go and have a great time. You deserve some happiness. Your aged Pa is looking down on you and is smiling.
Have a great time Lady V , he's a lucky man.
Hi Vanilla, if you have time, I would love for you to take a look at this newbie's thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2784300#Post2784300Thanks
I tracked Orange down, it is just overwhelming the amount of open abuse and use of the police as a tactic that there is. I am very glad though that it is now ok for those who are being abused to say so. There is no shame in being a target of abuse. And these sitches go way beyond every day waywardness.
It is dispiriting to read but helpful to know.
The posts are very raw sometimes as triggering and these abused posters are often with us a long time.
Thank you for all you do Sandi, you are in my prayers still every votive. How is H Health?
V
Lady V,
Go and have a great time. You deserve some happiness. Your aged Pa is looking down on you and is smiling.
Yes, aged pa is Dancing!
Thank you
V
Ginger I will.
Dearest Internet bruv RD, thank you.
V
Realising dating time is interfering with studies.
Hmmmmmm
Need to reassess my timetable. Spent the weekend sleeping and usually I exercise a lot. Still GAL has to be built in, dating GAL is a new activity to schedule.
Tired today.
V
Maybe you need some catch up rest.
V,
Sorry for the hijack ahead of time.
Surfer,
I received your notification concerning your postings not showing up. This has been an issue for two weeks and I posted a thread about this. The IT team continues to look at the problem and we have not been advised as of yet as to what the problem is and as you and the other posters can see, the issue hasn't been resolved.
We ask that posters continue to be patient and try different ways to post. Surfer, you are not the only one that has been affected by this glitch. There are many who are experiencing it and it baffles me as one day, you can't post and another day, if you are lucky, you can.
Job
No problem, I really want to read Surfers posts as he has lots of great insights for me and others.
V
I agree, but Cadet and I are just as baffled as everyone else and we are still waiting for some type of response telling us that the problem is fixed.
Won't be posting quite so much in the next month or so, three separate exams plus two assignments.
Studies here I come.
So starting my new thread early in case it locks out whilst I am not Looking!
V
next thread Just a Vanilla Change 37 Please post on next thread to stop this locking out
V
