Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Ginger1 .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/15/17 01:47 AM
I may be here forever

Time for a new thread

Quote:
[/quote]Hi ginger,

Ugh. OWW is just an insensitive, and very oblivious woman. Im sorry you have to deal with her. I am sure it would be different for you if she didnt knowingly have an affair with him while you guys were together. Just remember she did not win any prize in this situation.
I would much rather be you then her!

Congrats on the exercise class. Its tough having to start all over after injuries and sickness. I have been unsuccessfully playing the hamilton lottery for a long time now, but my favorite line is "i am hercules mulligan, i need no introduction whem you knock me down i get the f back up again"

We all get knocked down in life at some point. Multiple times! Just trudge your way out of these trenches. Knowing youll be back in them ar some point and thats just life. But none of the ups or downs are permanent[quote]


Hi Juju,

Sometimes I think of the 3 of them out somewhere doing something and everyone must think my D is their D. The thought of that kills me sometimes, so I try to push it out of my head.

It did feel good to get back in the game. My PT has really stepped up, another patient the other day thought I was "training for boxing" I laughed. I have my good days and bad days, but exercise is good for me either way. I think what is getting me this time is I am in a down that doesn't seem to be going up and it feels like it might be permanent. But nothing is, you reminded me of that and I thank you for it.

I have something going on in my life right now that really makes me question everything I believe. I can't talk about it here, I can talk to about one friend regarding it, and that's it. It's a aprt of what makes me feel so hopeless all the time. It doesn't even involve me, it's just very close to me. I have no idea what to do with this situation, as I really can't even talk to my IC about it for certain reasons. But it is really contributing to my hopelessness and the things that feel so unfair in my life. I wish I could explain more.

Work keeps getting worse, the morale is nothing here. It's depressing. I've been watching facebook and my old colleagues at the hospital at their really nice Christmas parties, dancing, and drinking and eating and having a great old time. Oh, I miss those days. I miss the bond we had. I credit my ICU job to getting me thought the worst of my S/D. I also look at one of my best friends who a year ago decided to pick up and make a move to FL. She is single, moved out of her parents house, and decided to make a big change. After being out of the ICU/hospital for as long as I have, she went back down there. She has a tight crew and they do so many things together outside of work. Ran a Disney 5k, they go out to different places and try different things. She is having the best time and really built a great life in the past year.

There is nothing I want more than to get out of NJ and start over. The only thing tying me here is the ex. That's it. I have like to family and my career is the best one to have to move to a different area. I have friends, but some of my friendships are changing, and the ones that are very tight I know would continue to be even if I moved. It's just not an option.

It's weird. I am willing to do anything to change my life and get out of my funk. I am very proactive. My things just aren't panning out. Even Saturday night I am alone with nothing to do. I researched meet up groups but nothing going on. I have been trying to find something to "join" a book club, anything, but nothing works with my schedule.

I am just going to figure "my time" is when D10 graduates high school. I'll still be fairly young. Maybe I need to just hold out until then.

Oh, and there is this guy who goes to PT the same time as me and has my therapist. Oh so good-looking. We finally were talking the other night. he is more accident prone than me, lol. Single, loves his job, ect. I thought maybe mid thirties. Nope, he just turned 27. It was good practice just having a conversation with him anyways. Super nice guy. He will make a nice young lady very happy one day.

On a good note, I don't know if I mentioned this in my last post, the hospital is looking at my application again for case manager. I am praying I atleast end up with an interview.

Oh, did I mention it's the hospital Dr. Mike works at???
Posted By: Fogg Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/17/17 10:00 AM
Ginger,

Even if they're out there doing things together it doesn't take anything from what you and her have. You will always be her mother and she cherishes you for who you are! I had two step parents growing up and not a great relationship with my parents but the relationship I had with them was always something different and never felt like a replacement. I get how hard it is to deal with and you've been around it much longer than I have. My kids started calling OM2 their step dad and his kids are their brother and sister. A while ago it would work me up and I would try to explain to my kids how it works with step parents and step brothers/sisters, the terminology. Ex-W/OM2 are just dating and living together, not married, so I felt like I needed to state what they weren't to the kids when they talked about them. In my daughters mind they were step siblings/dad now and when they get married they will be real brother's and sisters. Even though shes recently started say "my big brother and sister". I let it go now, who am I to say what it means to her at this point, just as you have I'm sure in many ways over the years. Sometimes it cuts deep down and makes you feel like an outsider, like the kid sitting on the bench watching everyone playing the sports game and wondering why you, why do you get to sit there on the sideline. It just feels this way, this isn't realty. I think this is one thing that resonates through everything else and makes us overthink things.

I'm sorry you have this thing nagging at you and few people to talk to about it. Whatever it is I hope some relief comes soon.

I've had that urge to run away from the state and start over also but feel trapped by the circumstances. I think you could make changes where you're at and find a new start if you wanted it. You don't need to move to Florida to do so.

Sorry, not sure if any of this is even helpful. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone. You aren't the only one that feels the way you do./hug

P.S Good luck with the case manager position!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/18/17 03:38 AM
HI Fogg,

Yes, it was very helpful, I thank you. I usually don't let the whole situation get to me, but I think I have had too much time to think about it. What I do know is that she knows I am mom and she's only got one. It was such a struggle in the beginning as a new mom with another woman in my daughter's life pretty much from birth. But I am confident in my role as her one and only mother. She was with her dad this weekend and all weekend she texted and facetimed me multiple times per day. She's so cute.

You nailed the feeling like an outsider part. Feeling like an outsider in your own child's life is really difficult. Or where they have a separate life you don't know much about. although my D certainly fills me in......

Oh, an moving, I am going to have to try to just make it work here for the next 7 or so years. I make a decent living, but here it is barely enough. I pay an extradorinary amount in rent, but can't buy because I don't have a downpayment. We live pretty good, but my only savings is my 403b plan. There is no extra money to put away unless we live very minimaly, but there is no point in that. I want her to enjoy life now.

This weekend was a little rough. D10 went to her dad's Saturday morning and no one was available to hang out or go anywhere, so it was just me the whole weekend. With the exception of my patients I visited on Saturday. I got stuff done, read a book, wrapped, cooked, cleaned, shopped, and gymmed. Kept myself as busy as I could. It was just lonely.

Yesterday I found out FF's sister blocked me. We were friends, now we aren't. And she doesn't come up in the search. We were as of last Friday however. Either she got off FB or he told her to block me, probably making up some story. I am jus trying to figure out where I went wrong. At no point did I go psycho ex GF. I let him go and left him alone. He hates me for some reason, but whatever I guess. One thing I really learned with DB is how to end an R with dignity. No calling, begging, pleasing, chasing. It's simply "if you want to go, I am not going to stop you, have a nice life"It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, it just means I am going to have self respect. I never ever want to be the psycho ex who can't let go.

Busy insane week. Hopefully I get it all done. I could use a hand this week, lol. Oh well. I am sure D10 will help as much as she can.
Posted By: DonH Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/18/17 07:06 AM
For sure Ginger you get an A+ on how you ended things with regard to your actions to FF and any of his family or friends. You struggled amd still do on the inside but your outward reactions from everything I can tell have been stellar. That means that the rest is about them. I don't think FF "hates" you but whatever is going on with him is ABOUT HIM! It has zero to do with you. In fact the whole thing had less to do with you and more about him. That really is often the case with people and Rs.

For sure DB has really helped with stopping pursuit and with dealing with breakups with dignity. The knee jerk reaction to be upset, perhaps plead, chase, and beg is replaced with calm, rational thoughts and comments. It didn't save our Ms but has helped in other ways.

Your comment about savings - especially for the long term caught my attention as this area is one where I really shine both in business and in life. When commenting about me, even people who may not like me say how great I am with finances. Not trying to brag, just to get you to hopefully trust me here. The very best thing you can possibly do is start to put some money away on a regular basis. You really CAN do it and you won't miss a small amount. The key here is to start now. Really the key was to start 15 years ago but now is all we have. You might be amazed at how this will grow. I was fortunate enough to start at 23. IRAs were somewhat new and I was allowed to put $2,000 in each year when it started. So now 30 years later, that $2,000 has become over $30,000. By the time I start using it, it will be at least 60,000 and could be $120,000 - all from a $2,000 initial investment!!! It's all based on time and reinvesting any dividends that come from it. It really does work. Nearly everyone can afford $20/week. Would you really miss $20 a week? Really? Skip coffee twice and fast food lunch once and you have it. Some can do $50/week and others $100. At least do something! You will be sooooooooooooo happy when you turn 60 and have $100,000 waiting for you (based on $20/week). I can tell you more off line if you're interested - including where to invest ---- no load mutual funds with index funds being top of the list. ---- Give it some thought. Actually everyone reading this should.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/19/17 02:59 AM
Hi DOn. You are right, it is about him and his weirdo family, not about me. They do what they do for whatever reason, and I know I handled myself with dignity. ANd thank you for the financial advice offer. Right now my dad is in charge of my retirement plans and I contribute a decent amount of my paycheck and he has them in whatever funds. He made this a hobby upon retirement, lol. My cash at hand right now is an issue, but I am going to figure out how to make that work.

Ok, so I some things happened yesterday that I need to talk about.

One, and I'll get the negative one of the way. ex an OW had Christmas pictures done with the dog and santa from a friend. I knew of it and they said they would give me a picture. So, D10 breaks out a card, written by OW that was signed "OWW, EXH, and D10" with the picture inside. HOLY TRIGGER! If any of you recall, I found out about the affair by finding a card from OWW to exH. Seeing the handwriting, my daughters name in with theirs, knowing she wrote it....... I lost it. I waited until D10 went in the shower a minute later, and I saw red and burst into tears. That reaction and the whole thing really threw me for a loop. I guess some triggers never go away.

Now for the more positive part of my day. I went into IC miserable. I cried, I listened to myself and I couldn't stand what I was hearing. My IC feels that I do need to get out there and date. I need to be on the sites and I need to be proactive. Not so much because I need to find a man, but because I have become this low because I have given up. She said the Ginger she knows has always rallied and worked and fought for what she wanted. I told her "shouldn't I know when to throw in the towel too?" She said no one should ever throw in the towel on love and partnership unless they truly don't want it. I should not be accepting my life as a single woman for the rest of it. It's when I try to accept my life with that I become seriously depressed.

She's right. Both of us know it's a something necessary for me. And for most people. We both know it that I can survive without it, that I can care for myself and my child without a man and it doesn't make up who I am. I am simply human and I need to not quit.

I left hating the way I sounded in there and I really realized I am doing so poorly because I just feel so hopeless discouraged and trapped. I told her after the divroce was over after they got remarried, and like many of us on here, we get that renewed sense of the world is our oyster, we have a chance to be true to ourselves and make this life ours. I had it, and then I lost it. I told her it's the feeling of hope and renewal I miss.

So, I believe I am done accepting things status quo and feeling depressed all the time. I am going for the things I want and I desire. I am deserving of it all. I am going get it, and I am going to find it, and being alone IS NOT my fate.
Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/19/17 03:25 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
So, I believe I am done accepting things status quo and feeling depressed all the time. I am going for the things I want and I desire. I am deserving of it all. I am going get it, and I am going to find it, and being alone IS NOT my fate.


Ginger,

Good for you!

I was listening to NPR yesterday and there was some guy saying that he noticed that depressed people often do things to support the state of depression. They'll listen to depressing music, read depressing books and watch depressing movies. After thinking about it a bit, I think he's right; it's as if depressed people need to wallow in all of the sadness. It's like the rumination cycle becomes a good friend.
Posted By: Fogg Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/19/17 04:47 AM
To add onto what doodled said, I've noticed the cycles of depression I have put myself through in the past. When I was still doing IC, my IC suggested that I might even be addicted to being depressed and use specific actions that put me or keep me there. I've read in several places how our emotions/moods can be tied to our actions, so one can induce the other.

As for the being addicted to being depressed, it's a habit I've formed in the past to cope with change/fear. Depression is what I knew, it's what I was used to and any change to that led to the unknown which I feared.
Posted By: DonH Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/19/17 06:41 AM
Originally Posted By: doodler
I was listening to NPR yesterday and there was some guy saying that he noticed that depressed people often do things to support the state of depression. They'll listen to depressing music, read depressing books and watch depressing movies. After thinking about it a bit, I think he's right; it's as if depressed people need to wallow in all of the sadness. It's like the rumination cycle becomes a good friend.



Oh so you're the one who was listening to NPR. I figured someone had to be. smile

Seriously though, I agree. It's like people who claim "bad things always happen to me" or "I have the worst luck" when really it's them creating their "luck". Same with those surrounded by drama. Or even people who always seem happy, nothing appears to bother them. We tend to create and foster what we get and if we want to feel depressed or the victim or whatever we keep fostering it.

GINGER: great to hear you are putting money away! That's awesome and I promise unless your dad is speculating bit coin or something you'll be so pleased and amazed at what will be waiting for you at retirement.

I think you are too young to give up if you really want it as well. Taking a break is fine though. Nothing says you have to rush back in. Perhaps most of all, should you consider trying something else? Does OLD really work? Clearly it has not for you, me and others here. Or perhaps should you try eHarmony since that tends to at least be a step higher on the OLD scale. Or perhaps try other things? FF didn't come from OLD nor did your last ltr. That's all I wonder about. Continuing to try to find somene does not nessisarily mean continuing to try OLD

Interesting what your C said about not giving up unless they really don't want it. I'm wondering if that's not me? Something for me to think about.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/20/17 05:49 AM
Very interesting perscpectives. This is actually new territory for me. I have never actually been truly depressed until this year. Even though I may have had every reason since I was a kid, I never was. Situation wise and genetically. I lived in survival mode for most of my life, including during my divorce. I was sad, sure, but I was just trying to survive. Maybe some how having my life together has made room for the depression to finally settle in. And how have I hated the feeling. I have been doing everything to get out of it, I haven't been letting myself sit in it, but I guess the ways I am sued to getting out of it were taken away from me and I have been lost on how to do so otherwise and have been stuck.

So, my focus in on snapping myself out of negative trains of thought, getting myself back into tip top shape (even if I am restricted and it is painful) focusing on my career and fostering some new hobbies. I am going to find a way to give myself one night a week to do something fun, in a group, for me.

Don, I have tried Eharmony and that's when I ended up with the plumber. Otherwise, I ended up with matches from a state in which a relationship ended because it was too long distance! It turns out there is no one under 50 close to me on Eharmony. Except for the plumber. And he was probably my best catch online, sadly enough. No, OLD hasn't been kind to me. I do better in person, but problem being I am rarely around single available guys. I am usually around married men, or men of inappropriate age, or no men at all! Whatever it is, if I don't at least put myself out there in some way, shape, or form, my odds are almost nothing. But I do hope to find some sort of group activity where there are other men. I just enjoy being a part of a group, really. I miss that, regardless of the men.

So, I am not letting myself ruminate in all the unfairness and impossibility anymore. I am simply not giving up!
Posted By: kml Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/20/17 02:26 PM
Sorry but eHarmony is for old folks. Plus I think most guys who are good catches and not super religious probably go for the free sites first. Try Ok Cupid - I had good luck there (and lots of young guys there, I can attest through - ummm - personal experience.

Yes, there may be more scammers on the free sites and you need to be careful, but I figure any guy who is a good catch probably doesn't last online long enough to go through the whole eHarmony questionnaire stuff.

Then get a good girlfriend to look at the profiles of the guys you find interesting - it helps to have a fresh pair of eyes to pick up the red flags.
Posted By: uRworthy Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/22/17 05:19 AM
Now that's the G I know. smile. You know, whatever you need to pull yourself up and out is ok. If waiting to see what unfolds isnt it, then, going proactive may very well be.

Here's what I'm thinking. Make this a game of sorts. Looking at it differently. Instead of thinking that you want someone in your life so you are going after it.. think of it more in the way that you want to just live your life. I think if you put so much emphasis on going after what you want so much..than that is where disappointment waits.

Not sure that makes sense...my brain is still not functioning properly after all I went through. LOL!

What I am trying to say is that I think you need to change your approach a bit. If you go on dating sites..dont analyze so much. Talk with as many people as you can. Be you. Just have fun.

As far as your daughter and her dad and his wife...you know where her heart lies. They are sad people, G.

Talk with you soon.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/27/17 03:12 AM
Hello all,

I hope you had a good holiday. Took a break from the boards a bit.

Since my IC appointment, something has shifted in me and I am coming out of the deep depression. I just couldn't stand listening to myself sound like a victim and having nothing but complaints. I began to realize I was very attached to the way things were. So I have been detached from any outcomes and have been really just trying to live in the moment and push away all negative thoughts. It's working to a point. I haven't actually cried in days, which is amazing for me. Especially around the holidays. Whenever my lonliness seeps in a feel myself spiral into the sadness of no partner and wanting things to be different, I thought stop and refocus. I kick those thoughts out of my head and busy myself with something else.

I have taken to looking at POF again. I realize many do want hook-ups even if they say they don't. That would normally just upset me and get me frustrated, but I realize it is what it is and I just move on. One guy seems decent, he hates getting hook-up requests (apparently, that's what women are out for too) and he wants a friendship that could turn into something more. I just got not internalize everything so much anymore. I am learning to not feel so frustrated or hopeless when things don't go the way I am trying to make them go.

As for the holiday, it was nice. D10 was happy with all her gifts, as was I. I cooked for my family on the eve, and went into NYC on Christmas. I also had a nice party with friends Friday night. D10 and I got her dad a t shirt, and she wanted to make this candy board thing she saw on you tube. So, D10 and I have been working on it and it came out quite well. Some of you may have seen our completed project on FB. I gave D10 to open the gift at her father's, not in front of me. That night he sends me a picture of the gift saying "freaking awesome. Best gift ever, I loved it" My ex criticizes rather than compliments, so I was very happy he was happy which means he had the best reaction for D10. Which means the world for her. She was upset that gifts that were from her to everyone were chosen by someone else and they were just putting her name on it. She was happy to do something she thought up.

Now I got work for 3 days and D10 is with her dad until Sunday. We are rarely apart this long, but it's good for her to have this time with her dad. I believe OWW is working so maybe they will have some one on one time.

I have also made some personal goals for myself to strive for. One of them being to get up early during the week so I don't try to rush to get out the door. Today, I got up extra early, drank a large glass of water, made some coffee, stretched, did push ups and crunches and began my day much more relaxed. I go to bed early anyways because I have nothing to do at night, so I can afford to get up bright and early.

And UR, you are right. I cannot set myself up for disappointment in this dating thing. I need to just go with it and whatever happens, happens. I need to take that approach so I don't become frustrated and disappointed.

One disappointing thing is that I didn't get a pug for Christmas. But people know me so well, I got nice pug stuff:)
Posted By: job Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/27/17 03:39 AM
Ginger,

I am things are starting to shift for you. It takes time and patience to dig out of a deep depression. I read somewhere a long time ago that depression is about our past and anxiety is about our future. You don't have to answer my question...but has your IC ever delved into your past much? Maybe there is something there that has triggered the depression for you.

Take your time strolling around dating sites and if you find someone of interest, set up a separate email account under Hotmail, gmail, etc., and go from there. I know you know the drill by heart, but I'm always on the side of caution w/some of the people who are on those sites. I know this is tough, but try not to take what they say or do personally and if something doesn't feel right...end it first. You are the prize and shouldn't have to play second fiddle to anyone.

I loved the candy board. I thought it was a very unique gift and one to be treasured and I would frame it, if I had received it. Your daughter is a very intelligent and sensitive young lady and she's coming to realize that she wants to give gifts that she picks out and this candy board was one from the heart. I'm glad he liked it.

Your personal goals sound great and should be easy to keep.

Ginger, I think 2018 will be a far better year for you. Who knows...you just might get that little pug in the coming year...stay positive!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/27/17 04:47 AM
Hi JOb!

Yes, I have definitely delved into my past with my IC. I, like most, have some FOO issues going on here. My mother was a manic depressive. I also had a very lonely difficult childhood with my mother's addictions, mental hospital stays, rehab stays..... she just was not in a place to be a mom. She was never interested in my life. She was only interested in getting her next fix, which after she cleaned up from the drugs, became gambling. I had my dad, but no siblings. I lived an lonely childhood too. I did have friends, and when I was older, I spent most of my time away from home with my BFF at his home where his dad worked the late shift. I also through myself into work when I was old enough to work. I worked 2 jobs my senior year of high school. From 17 on was awful with my parents split and my mother falling back into drugs again. My dad left the house, I was left with a mom who was losing her ever loving mind (which we know happens during divorce)and she resented me for still loving him.

The irony of it all was that I took the "tough chick" attitude. I felt like nothing ever bothered me, that I could handle anything and that I was in no way a victim of my circumstance. Unfortunately it leaked out in the form of making bad decisions, and chosing a wrong partner.

But I just wanted normalcy. My depression now comes from trying to achieve this stuff as a kid, then trying as an adult, and having my ex happen, then having a renewal of hope after I dealt with the blow of what my life has become and what exH did. It came when another hope of a "normal and secure partner, and family once again left me. When hope was gone for that. When I was ready to be super vunerable but I had no one I can be vulnerable with.

My IC truly believes my depression isn't hereditary or a chemical imbalance. It's circumstansial. And even with it being circumstansial, it is still real and more magnified when I can't change my circumstance.

Sorry, that was a little long winded. But I often to delve into my past, and only now, in my late 30's do I even realize what an impact it had on me.
Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/27/17 05:18 AM
Ginger,

If you want to be taken to a place of peace and serenity, try doodler's ceremonial elixir. Make or buy some good hummus and tabbouleh salad, then put the hummus and salad on a piece of naan bread. Pair that with a small glass of your favorite wine. Turn on some good music and sit back and slowly eat the naan savoring each bite knowing that everything is perfect in that moment. Connect a whole bunch of those moments together and suddenly the whole universe becomes a wonderful place. (And you won't get thrown in jail for possession.)
Posted By: Zues126 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/27/17 12:45 PM
Hey G. I'm sorry it's been such a hard road. Just know that even if you think you're alone in your suffering we haven't forgotten about what you're going through and I haven't posted daily I am with you every step of the way rooting you on.

It's funny, I really like watching movies and reading books about amazing people. Historical figures, competitors, businessmen. But in a way those people have it easy. When you're engaged in a battle where all eyes are on you and the outcome of your struggle will be witnessed by many it gives you a powerful motivation to succeed. For example, it wouldn't be easy to be a president facing decisions about what to do during a war, but it would be such an important situation on center stage that you'd be compelled to navigate through it.

A single mom that recovering from an injury dealing with feelings of exclusion from an ex that treated her like crap while trying to better her career in a political landscape and providing a joyous holiday for her daughter while she feels like she can't make it through the day- that's a battle. No, it won't be made into a biography, there aren't millions of lives at stake. But the fight is just as real and tough as anyone has ever faced. No, thousands of lives aren't at stake, and millions of people aren't watching. Just you and your daughters. And she's watching.

I just can't tell you enough how proud I am that you have fought through it time after time and that you were able to make her holiday a bright one. I'm glad that you are feeling a bit better and hope it lasts, but come what will I know you will win the fight. Good job G.

As for OLD, since it's something I've never tried before I'll let you be the first to test my ground breaking experimental solution. Since it seems like people get the opposite of what they are looking for, maybe you should throw together a profile saying you are looking for a one night stand with a married man that will abandon you if you somehow develop feelings for him. Reverse psychology your way into happily ever after ftw!

Merry Christmas.
Posted By: Vanilla Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/27/17 02:39 PM
Ginger

Sometimes I just want to reach through these screens and give you the biggest hug.

Such a beautiful vibrant lady deserves the very best.

V
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/29/17 06:39 AM
ZUES,

I cannot begin to tell you how much your post means to me. You positive words and your encouragement along with you understanding helps to keep me going in a positive path, as it does everyone here. That's why I stick around:) I was reading your post on your thread and I just kept saying "wow". You are an amazing driven man and opening up everyday to new opportunities. And to see your passion, it's pretty inspiring. So I thank you for always stopping by. ANd man, your post n Newcomers was so awesome.

Oh, and your idea for online dating would be a very interesting experiement. It really did make me laugh. See what I am about to post as to why it ironic....

V- thank you and same to you. I feel very fortunate that I have had the chance to hug you! We just gotta keep on keepin' on, right?

So, online dating. I began texting with this guy who seems too normal. In the part of the app where you see if you both choose eachother as matches, we did. He was a long shot though, very Bradley cooper-esq, interesting career, lovely profile and in it says "NO- HOOKUP REQUESTS PLEASE" He actually sent me a message and we decided to bring it off line. He told me most women just ask to hookup and send him nudes. At one point he actually thanked me for not doing that. (zues, this is where I was wondering if he was using the reverse psychology that you suggested.) I am slowly learning about him. He is a widower, but I don't know the details. He is a farm scientist for a big well-known corporation and he actually lives in CA. He is moving here. He has been here for a month trying to buy a house and he left for CA to go get his two teenage kids yesterday. he actually texted me when he left and when he landed. He asked me today if it is weird that he keeps thinking about me and really wants to get to know me.

here is the kicker. He told me he is talking to another woman off line that he hadn't met. He told me this upfront. He said he feels uncomfortable, but he wants to be honest. I told him I understand, because we aren't dating and he has no commitment to me. I said all I ask is that he tells me when and if he chooses to pursue her exclusively so I can bow out gracefully. So we have that agreed. It kind of feels weird knowing, but I am sure many do this but don't tell.

I keep think I might be getting catfished because he just seems so cool and sweet and he is crazy good looking. Maybe I am getting catfished, who knows? But there is only one way to find out. I am having fun just talking to him for the time being, we will see what happens when he gets back from CA if he makes the move to meet. It's entertaining and enjoyable for now anyways, and I am not attached to any outcome and I have zero expectation.

Just a funny side note, at PT last night my boyfriend wasn't there because he went to see family out of state. There was the morning guy covering for him who looks a lot like although a little hotter an older, lol. he helped me out a bit, we joked an dhe got me an ice back at the end and all seductively says "no one used this all day, I have been making it nice and cold for you" I said uh-oh, I think I am replacing chris!! He says "that's the idea". One of the other physical therapists said to me "your guy isn't here to bring you water today, do you miss him?" Chris always runs out to the lobby and brings me back two cups of water without me asking when I begin my cardio portion. Apparently the other therapists have been noticing how he spoils me.

And I realized I AM spoiled there. I told them no one takes care of me this much anywhere else and I really appreciate it.

That's all for now. Waiting to get the heck out of this place and begin my 3 days weekend!!
Posted By: DonH Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/29/17 10:27 AM
Hmmmmmm I've got a great gut. I have talked about that in the past. It has served me very well other than if I really like someone then not so much. FWIW I get a good feeling about the therapy guys, especially that co-workers have noticed.

But this online guy... Strong, strong reaction that feels so BS. All of these women are looking for hookups? Really? Why does that not bear out in the real world? How many women do you know G not only looking for a hookup but willing to be up front and pursue it? Some may accept it, especially after drinking but going after it with that being the goal? But then he says they send him nude pics? Without him asking? Now I really call BS on that unless HE is the one being fished. I've never been accused of being crazy good looking but the only "women" sending nude pics are not real in the first place. He may be getting hit by these people and just doesn't realize it. They are often 25 years younger, claim they are into older guys - it's all a scam. Beyond that, how many women do you know sending nude pics to people they've never met?

So something is not adding up either he's getting played and doesn't know it or he's doing the playing. Take that heart off your sleeve and have fun seeing where it goes. No harm in that.

Do with this what you will and take it with whatever grain needed but my BS detector has been activated. smile
Posted By: Fogg Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/29/17 12:28 PM
Ditto with what Don said. Reading about the online guy gave me the exact same thoughts and gut feeling somethings off
Posted By: job Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/30/17 12:58 AM
Ginger,

I agree w/doodler and Fogg...something is very off/wrong w/this guy. Be careful.

I agree...I can't imagine any woman sending a man nude photos when they haven't even met or gotten to know each other. Sounds creepy to me.
Posted By: kml Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/30/17 02:10 AM
Hmmmmm...... I'll weigh in, but I don't think you have quite enough information yet to tell.
On the one hand - the "no hookups" thing, being from out of town, all potential red flags. Plus who goes looking for dates while in the midst of a cross country move? Wouldn't you wait until you get your kids there and settled before dating?

On the other hand - could he just be a naive guy who doesn't understand that there are catfishers who are sending him nude photos (yes this does happen to guys online - or Russian prostitutes trying to nab a rich American etc) ? And who is so new to online dating that he doesn't understand that the very nature of it is that you talk to multiple people before you meet one you want to date? And if so, why is this naive online dater so desperate for a relationship that he's lining up dates before he even moves there?


Choosing between naive and deceptive , I'd vote for deceptive. This is why you minimize online chatting and go straight to a coffee date once you've established there's some interest on both sides. It's too easy to get sucked into feeling like you have a relationship chatting online. Online dating is a misnomer - it's online meeting, like running into someone at a party. The coffee date is like sitting in a corner at the party and talking to the person to see if you like them. THEN you can go on a real date if they still seem ok.

Other flags to watch for - if his move gets delayed, if his story about his dead wife changes, if he needs money FOR ANY REASON. Also run his photo through tineye or some similar program to see if it's stolen.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/30/17 06:03 AM
You're too kind G. Maybe that's why the few people in my life I have that are friends all tend to have battled darkness and depression. It's a hard road but they are some of the most sensitive and caring people I've ever met. If I could spare you the suffering I would, but instead I hope you can enjoy the consolation prize of these amazing gifts.
Posted By: DonH Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/30/17 08:53 AM
Originally Posted By: job
Ginger,

I agree w/doodler and Fogg...something is very off/wrong w/this guy. Be careful.


OH NO!!!! My worst fears have come true - I'm now being confused with Doodler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! smile

Totally kidding, or taking the opportunity to kid but I think it was me you were referring to.

Great comments KML - you're very good at this. I've actually tried to play with some of these scammers but I'm not very good at it. They tend to figure out I'm F'ing with them pretty quickly and go away. Sadly, the most "action" and responses I used to get OLD was from these scammers. How pathetic is that!
Posted By: job Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/31/17 12:34 AM
DonH,

I am so sorry for confusing you with doodler! My apologies...but I do agree w/your comments to Ginger.

Happy New Year to you and your family!
Posted By: Vanilla Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/31/17 12:39 AM
Originally Posted By: DonH
Originally Posted By: job
Ginger,

I agree w/doodler and Fogg...something is very off/wrong w/this guy. Be careful.


OH NO!!!! My worst fears have come true - I'm now being confused with Doodler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! smile

Totally kidding, or taking the opportunity to kid but I think it was me you were referring to.

Great comments KML - you're very good at this. I've actually tried to play with some of these scammers but I'm not very good at it. They tend to figure out I'm F'ing with them pretty quickly and go away. Sadly, the most "action" and responses I used to get OLD was from these scammers. How pathetic is that!


Me too, but as yet not confused with Doodler, but am going skinny dipping in the Atlantic tomorrow at 7 am with 100 other mad folk.

V
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/31/17 03:45 AM
Well, hello everyone! Thanks for all weighing in on my most recent OLD experience.

I will start by saying I appreciate all of your concern and it is obvious you all do care about me and I now it comes right from the heart.

That being said..... RELAX! I am a intelligent woman, and you can see from my post I had some concerns, so my eyes are wide open. I also want it to be said that before we began talking, was when I realized my depression was too much. I began pulling out of my hole before I began talking to him. I am not in a desperate state, I am detached from outcomes, and I am being smart and careful.

As we have gone on talking, I do not believe I am being catfished. So that is one less thing to worry about. His story checks out completely. I saw pics of his daughters live, and the one matches the one in his profile picture. His job is real, the company is real, the locations are real.

He was weary about me. He said I feel confident you are for real and I really look forward to meeting you. We didn't get into details, but his wife passed when the kids were young, and he dated, but no actual R's. He said he couldn't with 2 young girls. We talked about the whole introducing kids thing and our opinions and they are similar.

I seriously think this dude has been out of the game for soooooo long.

Oh, and yes, women are out there looking for hookups. They do send nudes off the bat. It is a real thing. And a sad thing. Just as a guy will send you a dickpic as soon as you hand them your number, girls will do the same. We aren't the better more dignified sex all the time. Women out there are as dirty as some guys, looking for the same things.

Why did he go online before getting settled here? I don't know. He's been back and forth here for a little and here for over a month. He's never lived in my state. Maybe it isn't the best idea to pile all this stuff on top of himself at once. But I am betting he is lonely, and rightfully so.

Where are the red flags I do see? When he realized I was the real deal, he got honest. He really likes me. He has asked several times how could I possibly still be single (I get used to this question, I really hate this ne, but understandable). I am afraid he may be building up a fantasy of this amazing woman in his head, then he meets me and I don't live up to his fantasy. Which is also why I like to meet up early.

What's the good thing about all of this. Whatever happens happens. It's not my life, I am not putting all my feelings and eggs in my basket of this being some magical romance. I am simply dating. And if he is a bunch of BS or wrong for me, it's "bye-bye" but if I don't stick around to find out, well, then maybe I lost something great. I am not wiring him any money, it's all good.

So, listen to this. I get a message of POF from that guy from the gym who has liked me, but unfortunately he was the one who was arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a 17 year old high school student he coached. While he was married and his daughter was a baby. he doesn't know I know. I know because my good friend from a farther away town knows him because he lived there and his daughter goes to school with her kids. He asked me out on POF and I turned him down by saying I was currently talking to someone else. He seemed pretty upset. He is a nice guy, and maybe he has been rehabbed and people deserve second chances, I am the mother of a daughter, so no way in hell.

I am just taking everything one step at a time. But I assure you all, I am not some naïve 20 something year old so desperate I'll believe anything. I am an adult woman who has been through the ringer and back facing every challenge throughout my whole life, yet managed to raise a great daughter, continue my education, and hold down a career. I am doing all right. I am not desperate enough to make dumb decisions like I did when I married my ex.

This week we move all our cubes at work to a crappy side of th ebuilding with different rules and work is going to get even worse. More than anything this year, I want my job situation to be resolved.

Tonight I was invited to two friends houses and one invited me much later and I have a commitment to someone else, so that one friend is mad I am not going to there house and yadda yadda and it really makes me want to go no where tonight. I was going to fake illness, but then D10 is stuck home alone with me. I realize I can't make everyone happy, So, someone is just going to deal with it.

Happy new years everyone. Every year I have said "this year will be my year!" Well, every year has blown since 2008, haha. So, I don't even care what this year brings anymore. No expectations. Just health and happiness for my child is what I need.
Posted By: Sotto Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/31/17 06:25 AM
Hi Ginger, my general advice would be to invest proportionately if or when the relationship develops further. If you find yourself thinking incessantly about a guy you didn't yet meet, but who 'seems' nice - I think that's over-investing.

I think if you have met and been out with someone a number of times and there are no red flags and you like him and he likes you, then it's fine to invest a little more of you in the relationship.

In general, from what you have previously posted, I think you tend to open up and emotionally invest a litte too soon, which can then cause you some hurt, which may have been avoided had you not invested as much as you did at such an early stage.

I do hope things develop positively for you, but I would encourage you to slow down a little in your thinking and heed the wise advice of others who read along too.

Happy New Year to you :)xx
Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/31/17 10:16 AM
Ginger,

One more piece of advice; if the guy shows up wearing a dress, don't immediately write him off as a prospective partner. I'll occasionally wear a dress on a first date just to take the edge off and lighten things up a little. It seems to open the lines of communication.
Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 12/31/17 10:20 AM
Originally Posted By: DonH
OH NO!!!! My worst fears have come true - I'm now being confused with Doodler!


Don,

Would you like to borrow one of my dresses? Tonight I'll be wearing a beautiful little red dress with a white feather boa. I think you'd like it.
Posted By: JujuB Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/01/18 07:21 AM
I dont know. Im not the most experienced of daters but i think that might be the problem. Red on a first date may be screaming "Easy" and you probably will not get taken seriously.

Happy new years ginger!
Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/02/18 01:08 AM
Originally Posted By: JujuB
Red on a first date may be screaming "Easy" and you probably will not get taken seriously.


JujuB,

Are you calling me a tart? You made me cry.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/02/18 03:23 AM
Happy New Year, Ginger! I took a bit of a break from the boards during me week off so I'm catching up. I don't know that I can really add anything to all the great advice you already got. I will say, though, that your online guy's story about the women wanting hookups and sending him nudes didn't throw up red flags for me like it did for some of the others. I have 2 very close male friends who are delving into online dating and both have told me stories and even shown me some of the totally appalling, forward messages they have received. I do think, for the most part, the women they are receiving messages from are trying to catfish them, but interestingly, one of them showed me a message from a woman wanting a hookup and including some very sexy photos and I actually KNEW the woman, so I know she's not fake. Scary! I think men and women, in general, can be bolder online because there is that guise of anonymity so it is easier to say things and act in a manner that might be different from their normal persona. All that said, I think you have your eyes open and I think that you have been given some great advice by those that weighed in in a more timely manner, so I think you will be fine on this one, however it goes.

Here's to a wonderful 2018 for you and your daughter, G. You deserve it! Oh and I'm waiting for doodler to show up in his red dress with white feather boa, because this I have GOT to see!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/02/18 03:53 AM
Oh and I totally agree on that "why are you still single" question. I get asked that all the time. Here's my thing: I know what I have to offer and I'm confident in who I am, just like I know you are, G. I'm still single because I haven't found the one who deserves me just yet. But I will, if it is meant to be. Or I won't, if it isn't meant to be, but either way, I'm NOT settling. I deserve a good guy and I'll hold out for that. In the meantime, I have a laundry list of reasons that I now randomly pull from my hat when asked that because it is such a stupid question, I feel like it deserves an equally stupid answer. My favorites include: "Well, when men find out I snapped and killed my last husband because he ate the last of the peanut butter, they tend to get scared off, especially if they like peanut butter."; "I don't know, but why don't we phone a friend and take a poll of why ex-husbands 7-10 think I'm still single?"; "Because I'm too much woman and most men aren't man enough to handle ALL of THIS (motioning to self in an overly-dramatic way)."
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/04/18 02:04 AM
Happy New year my friends! Hi Sotto and Dawn!. I am definitely not emotionally involved or attached to any of this. Actually, I am rapidly losing interest. It's a very weird situation. Supposedly he left yesterday for Brazil for business. Which can be believed. he's sent pictures that indicate he is real. Say everything was absolutely real, his situation certainly isn't ideal. I told him to let me know when he gets back and that really would like to meet to see if we click in person. If it doesn't happen, I'll know something is up.

As far as the rest of the online dating? Well, I got a very serious request to participate in a gang bang. I politely turned it down. Some others don't seem awful, but certainly lack conversation skills. Yeah, I don't think I am going to be successful with this. I know I do better just meeting people.

MY goals right now is to seriously revisit this whole GAL thing. It's been really difficult because my GAL revolves around physical activity. It's been very difficult on me. I need something social in my life, group related, so I am looking into more volunteering, maybe a book club, just something. I really don't know where exactly I am going with this. I wish like heck that I was physically capabale of what I was a year ago. It's been really rough. The recovery is slow, sometimes painful, and very limiting. But I know I need something social in my life.

Work, that is just getting worse. Still praying for a miracle. The plus side is I have earned an extra week of vacation this year.

Something happened NYE that pissed me off, but I can't talk about it here, but it made me realize that I can say no to things, and I can put my wants and needs first every now and then. I need to stop worrying about making everyone else happy and maybe focusing on my needs a little. I also had been making a huge effort in not dwelling in the pain. I hadn't cried in a while, but on NYE I let out an ugly cry. It was cleansing.

I sort of feel like I am back to square one in my life and I am sorta lost. I just need to channel some patience here. Some answer will come in time.

And, oh my god dawn, I love your ansers to the single question. I think I need to steal them the next time I am asked. And I will surely be asked again.

For now, A snow day because there is a snowbomb here. We took our computers home just in case, but since the place [censored] now, we weren't allowed to work from home. So I am forced to take a day off. Oh well, I'll finally get this Christmas crap back in storage.

Otherwise, I am hanging in as always!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/04/18 03:12 AM
GAL is definitely a good thing. And, I know you said yours involves physical activity, but maybe you can find some other things too. Maybe this is a push to try different things...things a bit outside your comfort zone. Who knows? I'm still working on GAL and it is a work in progress, at least for me.

Feel free to borrow my single answers or tweak them to fit you as needed. As I said in the post, it is such a completely ridiculous question that I think it deserves an equally ridiculous answer so I try very hard to give the most outlandish answers I can think of when I'm asked.
Posted By: Sotto Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/04/18 10:32 AM
Have you thought of dancing Ginger? Social and active, and mostly singles dance. If you dance something like salsa, you'll just rotate among each guy in the class and it's a nice way to meet people.

Xx
Posted By: JujuB Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/04/18 02:48 PM
Ginger

Im imagining that you are feeling like i do right now. Im stuck inside. Cant go any where cause of the weather. Haven't been able to maintain my normal routine cause son had been off school amd these past months have been busy. I feel frustrated that i gained a few pounds over the holidays and i cant exercise not because i dont want to, but because i cannot get outside. And an exercise tape is challenging cause by the time i put my son to sleep it will be late and i over utilized his tv and 6computer use today to get other things done.

Its not easy getting back in the mode. But you were there before and can get back there again. Go easy on yourself now, even though you are not where you want to be. You are healing and you will get there. Make some smaller snd eqsier goals for now that will make youbfeel good till you can get back to your norm. Knowing that something no matter how small is better then nothing.

Hang in there.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/08/18 04:25 AM
Hi Sotto,

I thought about salsa dancing before the injury and surgery. I can't even consider doing that until 9 months post-op. I am at 4 and a half now. I am just so restricted. But I really need to find some sort of group that doesn't involve so much physical activity. Even though physical activity is what I love. It really stinks.

Soo. I caught him the scam! Don't worry guys, I knew it deep down, I wasn't interested and it was interesting watching it develop. I wont get into too many details. But I became extra suspicious when he had to take and emergency trip to Brazil. Then his phone broke and he had his "daughter" text me to give me him email. Funny, she has a NJ number, but does not live here. I got his name through the email and I did a search. H pretty much stole pictures. Even has a fake website for the "company" he works for. Well, after confessing these very strong feelings for me, he tells me he urgently needs I tunes giftcards to do his work down there and I need to get them to him right away. I obviously knew he was caught. I asked him how much did they need to be worth and he told me $300. So I basically called him out, blocked him from everything and reported him as a phishing scam. Oh, he did tell me he was polish and lived there most of his life. In his emails, his English and grammar were awful, but not because he is polish, he is very far removed form even living in this country.

So, just when I thought the priest was my best online dating story, or the guy with the black amex who would only let me eat the bread basket at a resauraunt were my best stories, I have topped it. I think it is safe to say, I have zero luck with online dating. Even though I knew something was up, I just haven't gotten much of a break with it.

It's awfully sad. There is some lonely single mother out there who may really think this guy is in love with her and she will send him the gift cards. He preyed on the wrong one this time.

The universe seems to never ever stop testing me. It is nothing but laughable at this point. Part of me just wants to give up on everything good and enjoyable in this life, but then the crappy negative forces in the universe won. I will win this. I will not be defeated.

Oh, and we made our move at work. I got the worst cube, it's right by the printer, far from all my other coworkers, right outside the VP's office, and she doesn't really like me, and it's the highest traffic area, and everytime someone walks buy my monitors shake. But, I come here for the paycheck and that is about it. I keep praying for a change.

I am truly back at square one again. Trying to rebuild my life. Alone, of course. I did have a nice night Friday night with some Mom's from school (D10's besties mom invited me for a wine tasting party) and there were some school mom's and her sister and her cousin's which were a riot. Even after the wine tasting part was over, we continued to drink and laugh and talk, and it was really good for me. The hangover the next day was not. But it was worth it. D10 and I had lunch together, I napped, then I took her to the movies and it was a great time. Sunday we hung out and her aunt took her to a play, so I had a little free time to go to the gym.

I have IC today which has been a while and I need it. I have some major realizations lately I need help dealing with.

Another Monday, another crazy day where I have to feed my poor daughter dinner in the waiting room of PT. She is a trooper.
Posted By: JujuB Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/10/18 03:39 AM
((Ginger))

Yup. you have some great stories. Itune gift cards?!! lol. Lots of people run into those scanners. It could definitely be fun f'ing with them, if one had the time.

I know a lot of people that have had success with OLD but it sometimes takes a bit of time. There has to be normal, regular people like us on there, since we are on there...Ok maybe not normal, but good hearted. It just takes some weeding through. The guy I am dating had some crazy stories too. And he was patient and then I came into his life! (Joke..and he is only just discovering my neurosis and quirks anyway)

Hang in there. You are an awesome person. Filled with lots of life experiences. These little blips just make you more colorful, soulful, and empathetic.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/11/18 06:50 AM
Hey Juju,

Yup, I tunes giftcards. I did F with him for like a minute, but really, I don't have the time or patience. I have been at this on and off for years with zero success The farthest I ever made it was to a third date. I even got a date out of speed dating once, but that is also the farthest. When I told my IC, she asked me if I have anything worded a certain way in my profile that might attract the crazies. Nope, not at all. I am really happy you have had an early so far positive experience. You really, truly deserve them. You are deserving and worthy of the time and attention of a guy who is a good fit. Please, never convince yourself otherwise.
Posted By: uRworthy Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/14/18 05:25 AM
What an as$! He picked the wrong girl. I feel badly that there are women who may fall for this. I just dont get people.

My friend, I am thinking that you should take a break from the online thing. I know there are people who have met nice men on there. And I am not saying to never go back to that. I am just saying that I think you need to do something different for a little bit.

Not sure what that is yet... but I am thinking. I do like the idea of dancing but I know that isnt something you can do right now.

Is there something you always wanted to learn and can take an adult learning class? There are meetups that are geared towards different age groups. You should check them out. You can put in things you are interested in and they will show you meetups that are geared towards that.

Think outside the box some. There is someone out there worthy of you... I know that deep in my heart. You are something special and he has to be, too.

I know the funk you are in..I am kind of in a deep one, too. Suckks doesnt it?

I just wanted to say that you should be so proud of yourself, sweetie. Getting your degree, going through surgery, raising an amazing girl and battling thru some unfortunate relationship crap. And you just keep digging in...and not allowing it all to change who you are or stop you from fighting.

Just one thing, G. Do something completely different. As I am writing this I realize I should take my own advice..LOL!

Was talking with Linda yesterday. When the weather gets a little warmer we need to get to Brooklyn and get out eat on.

Love you, my friend. I am always over here rooting you on.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/15/18 04:06 AM
Hi UR. You are right. I need to take a step away from this online dating thing. It is just not working for ME. I can't even look at a profile anymore wondering if I am being scammed. The losers on there are killing me.

We must be on the same wavelength. I know I have to do something so totally completely Different. I just don't know what yet. I have been searching and searching meetup groups in my area. Nothing really, except in the city, during the week. I have been looking for a local book club, can't even kind that. I have to keep trying though. My restrictive schedule doesn't help. Meeting a guy would be a bonus, I just need an activity. I am bored. Not bored in the sense of raising my kid or maintaining a household. Bored that I do nothing that really stimulates me anymore. I had D10 Friday night, and from Saturday night on I have been alone. I read a book and got takeout sushi. Sure, it's not bad when you aren't alone all the time. Sunday I was finally highly productive conquering a bunch of household tasks. Even went to a yoga class. I am just stumped.

My IC thinks if I need anything to change my life, it's a new job. From that I would be more stimulated, meet more people, as in new friends, and perhaps a date. I went out with a friend thursday night. Other relationships in my life are drastically changing and I need to cultivate new ones.

I went to get out and do new things. But most things I am interested in aren't activities for one.

I am so sorry UR, that you are in a dark hole like I am . I can't seem to dig myself out although I am trying like heck. There is nothing I would love more than to go eat Brooklyn with you and Linda. Two of my sweetest, most genuine friends:)
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/15/18 04:25 AM
So, on a different subject, being my ex and my daughter......

She still expresses much frustration about her father being mean to her. She told me he swears at her, and he said he would stop after he wrote him the letter (over a year ago) but he is still mean. She doesn't want to talk to him because she is "scared" And I know what she means by scared is that he won't listen and she will be ignored. I know that all so well, because I lived my life that way with him. I hurt for her. I don't know how to make this better. She loves him so much, she does have good times with him, but he just doesn't know how to control himself. He has no patience for things not going the way he thinks they should. He gets mean and nasty when they don't.

This conversation was sparked by D10 seeing a car pulled over. She says "daddy drives like a maniac and he never gets pulled over and when he does, his badge gets him out of it" This I also know to be true. She said " Daddy never gets in trouble" I also know this to be true. my ex and his father never suffer consequences. Except for that one time they both had DWI's within 3 months of each other.......I took this as a teaching moment to tell her that poor behavior more often that not leads to consequences, just because your dad doesn't have any, doesn't mean nobody does.

I also made a joke to her that when she goes to the Maroon 5 concert to give Adam Levine my number (she said they have super close tickets) She said "Mom, he has a wife and a child!" At the very least, my daughter knows right from wrong.

And one last interesting observation. She got a 50% on a math quiz and was beside herself. She actually cried. I wasn't mad, I know sometimes she psyches herself out. She had a math test 2 days later and got a 96%. She knows her math better than I do. I had asked her if dad asks about her grades, or if she tells them to him. She said "no, why would I? What is he going to do?"

I parent alone. We don't coparent. He babysits. For the 10 years of her life, it's been just me.

But hey, him and OW are taking her ice skating today!
Posted By: JujuB Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/15/18 06:45 AM
"We dont coparent. He babysits"

That would make a great title for a book. And that is exactly how i feel. Perfect wording!
Posted By: DonH Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/16/18 06:46 AM
I can't remember G, is your daughter seeing a councilor? I'm thinking no as she in general seems very well adjusted and very healthy. The concern is the damage he is inflicting. Now, it's not like battering or abuse like putting her in the corner for six hours or something, but it is writing on the slate of who she is and will become. It will make her not want to stand up to some people in the future. It will make her chose a man like her D. This is just how these things go. Is there any potential that a third party (not you) could help her address this with her dad? From what you've written over the years he doesn't seem like a really bad person and loves his D. I don't think deep down he wants to hurt D - he just doesn't know what he's doing. I can't help but think and certainly would hope that if a C sat down with the two of them and helped D get through to ex how bad she feels and what he is doing, it would at least lessen if not stop. It would also teach her a great life lesson that it is healthy to stand up for yourself and tell people if they are hurting you. This could be huge for her.

The fact that he is in law enforcement - whether a cop on the street, or corrections officer, a court officer, a special enforcement sector, whatever, many are cut from the same mold. This is not to disparage law enforcement, they just often have very similar traits - not unlike other professions. It's also why the D rate is so high for this profession. There is nothing you can do other than understand the mindset of this sector.

Finally on the OLD, you just sort of got back into it but for you, myself and many others, it just really does not work well, does it. Is there anything wrong with still "dabbling in it" - probably not. You may just have to widen your eyes on it. You evidently figured this latest guy out but not after writing here how you were nearly positive he was NOT catfishing or scamming you. I think you wanted to believe but you still figured it out. On the plus side you seem to be out there - at least more than some are. You are out with friends, you are out with people, out with your daughter. Look how you met the guy at the bar. Sure, it didn't work out, but he's just one of the 20 guys you need to meet before finding one to stick with. There was no harm there. It just was not a match - nothing wrong with that.

You could be dating someone right now if you wanted to. I'm sure of it. The problem is, you would not be interested in the guy. Right? We all have people who would date us but we don't feel the spark with them. You will also be entering a period where D starts to really spread her wings. She will not want to be with mom all the time. She will be with friends, she will, not too far down the road, go on a date with a guy and get her drivers license. It won't always be this way.

It's all about timing. You are doing so many things right, you just now need the timing to happen. It will. It really will - especially at your age. I know you feel like you are getting older but you are still very young, pretty, in decent shape, smart. You do have it going on. Many guys don't measure up to you and you don't have interest in them. Others may not be a match even if he is for you. It's a matter of time when it all comes together. Don't give up!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/17/18 08:20 AM
Hi Don,

My daughter is not seeing a counselor. She has seen one in the past where she expressed her feelings regarding her dad and she wanted to talk with him in the presence of the therapist. He refused. We got in an argument. He hates therapists and doesn't want to be "blamed" So that went no where. She knows she can speak to me about anything and I also communicate with my therapist and she helps give me strategies. She loves her dad, she still wants to go there, so as long as she does, I am not going too much. I teach her what he does is not an OK way to handle things. It isn't something she should accept from any guy whoever comes into her life (also because mommy will kick his arse). She can't chose her dad, though. I know he loves her, but he only knows what he has learned. He is also so extremely close-minded and ignorant, that he believes things only as he sees them and when they aren't his way, or he is actually in the wrong, he cannot accept it.

Which brings me to the insanity of what he did. He wrote "Dad's" on the tag of D10's jeans. I couldn't believe it. What if a friend sees that? How embarrassing for her! He confronted him, and his answer was "OMG, Annoying" Her clothes are her clothes. These are the jeans he swore I had, but I know I returned. Well, it turns out they were in his house the whole time, but that place is a disorganized pig sty.

No matter how positive I try to be, I am seriously crawling out of skin these days. I can't stand the isolation. It's work (which is quite awful right now)home, sit on couch alone after D10 goes to bed. My physical therapy is the highlight of my week, where I talk to other adults and my never going to happen crush. But I am going to the surgeon today, and who knows, it might be over. I am just loosing my goddamn mind. I have never so intellectually and emotionally bored in my life. I am busy as in I am always running to appointments and taking care of the household. But is so freaking lonely, I cannot even begin to explain. This is a new territory for me in this journey. At least last year I had the gym and my new friends. Then I began dating FF and that was great while it lasted. But this is not good.

Don, thank you for the kind words. I think the frustrating thing is I feel like I am doing everything right and getting absolutely no where, but going backwards instead. My D is at the point now where she happy hanging with mom, but much rather hang with a friend. I wish I could provide her even with family and cousins, but I can't. But when she gets the offer to be with a friend, she is there. And that's what I want for her.

I hope to god it comes together soon before I end up in the loony bin. H@ll, at least I get group therapy and arts and crafts time there.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/18/18 02:19 AM
Who wants to laugh?

D10 stayed with exSIL yesterday because she had a snowday. When I picked her up, she says "Mommy, auntie said we could come to her Superbowl party!" So she is standing right there and invites me and says you guys are more than welcome, but I'm sorry she put you on the spot. I said yes on the spot, because I didn't have plans. She says it's a big bash.

I asked D10 in the car how the invite came about. She said she was talking to her dad that she wishes she could go to her aunts superbowl party because it is so much fun. He said if you and mommy aren't doing anything, you can come. Then he said Your mom could come to, let me just ask your aunt. Which he obviously did and she said yes.

So it turns out I am attending a party with ex and OW. The upside? I am hoping my exSIL's husband has some cute single friends there.

Thank God for alcohol.
Posted By: Coconut Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/18/18 03:39 AM
Ginger,

Reading that makes my stomach turn.. There is no doubt I believe being detached enough to do that really makes life better (especially when kids involved), but I'm not strong enough to do that yet (if ever). I hope you go, I hope you have an amazing time.. and I love that it's not so "weird" for your daughter that she didn't feel the need to warn you before inviting you.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/19/18 01:44 AM
Coconut,

Trust me, it wasn't always like this. I didn't meet OWW until after they were married, a little over 2 years later. I couldn't do it. Luckily I was detached enough by then. I had to make a decision for my D, considering this has ben her position since the beginning of her life she needs to see people who can be in the same room with no animosity. And it has been 10 years, so my detachment is there. I can put aside my personal hurt long enough for my daughter to feel comfortable. My D10 even made a mention last night about how she has never seen me and her father fight in front of her and she knows a lot of divorced parents do that. I am glad I can make her comfortable. It is what always makes me think of taking a bullet for my child. This is my bullet. What I do is not the norm though. ANd thank you, I will have fun, and hope to meet some cute guys, haha!

Journaling:

Yesterday and this morning was really an assault to me. I found out the job I have had my application under review for since Oct, well, those 2 positions have been filled. The possibility is all that gets me through my work days, and that is now gone. The other position where they were checking to see if they can make it a lateral move paywise, well, I came to work this AM to find out it isn't. I am back to square one. I am truly so defeated right now. No matter how hard I try to fix things, I can't. There are always forces against me and I would like to just catch an ounce of luck, but I can't.

I am just sitting at my desk trying to stop the tears from welling up.
Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/19/18 02:21 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I am back to square one. I am truly so defeated right now. No matter how hard I try to fix things, I can't. There are always forces against me and I would like to just catch an ounce of luck, but I can't.


Ginger,

How do you know that you aren't very luck? What if you'd been offered, and accepted, one of those positions only to find that you hated it even more than your current position?

Do you know, relative to the all of the people on Earth, you're probably in the top 5% percent based on quality of life? What if you'd been born in Somalia? You need to start appreciating what you've got and be thankful for the good in your life. You spend far too much time wallowing in self pity.

Figure out what you want, set some goals and start working your way toward the goals. One goal may be to find an IC that will actually challenge you rather than kiss your @ss.

An yes, sometimes I'm a motherf*cker.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/19/18 02:38 AM
Gotcha.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/19/18 02:55 AM
You know, I live with constant guilt for not just being happy with the fact I am not from a third world country and having a job. I feel unentitled to my feelings as it. I get it.

My IC challenges me every time with compassion. She knows more about the life I have lived from day one than anyone else in this world. I take on every challenge, set out to better myself and set goals and work towards them, very hard, Nothing I have today has EVER been handed to me and I have it all with a fight and against the odds. We set goals together, and this one was one. I knew the job situation would change a lot of things for me in my life, and I went for it. I furthered my education, I applied to jobs, reached out to all the right contacts. I didn't sit back. I never sit back.

However, now I think is the time to sit back. Just accept the status quo. And just appreciate the fact I have food on the table, most of my health, ect. Because I have never done that before (note sarcasm). But I will do it again.
Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/19/18 04:37 AM
Ginger,

You seem like such a good person, but your posts often frustrate me. When life hands you lemons, you don't seem to know how to make lemonade. Usually it just requires a shift in attitude; a setback can become an adventure. I wish you could grasp that.

That's the segue to a doodler anecdote. My mom was (and is) somewhat neurotic and a bit of a nervous-Nelly. When I was 16 we went on a family trip. On the way home, I was driving and my Dad was navigating. We went past an exit on the interstate and my Mom said, "We should've gotten off at that exit." She kept going on-and-on about how we missed our exit; it was as if the world was coming to an end. I said, "Mom, we can go to the next exit and then go the other direction; it's no big deal." Well, apparently it was a big deal. In her mind, the world was ending and that was that.

Anyway, we arrived at the next exit and the most wondrous thing happened. That particular exit happened to be the correct exit, not the one that my Mom thought was the correct exit. My Mom was quiet the rest of the trip.

The point is, we often become so enamored and focused on what we believe is supposed to happen, even if we may have no control over the situation, that we fail to look around and see all of the other possibilities. One of those possibilities is that you're actually right where you wanted to be and you didn't even know it. But, something else to consider, what if we'd missed our exit and that mistake led to an opportunity to do something fun and different that we wouldn't have otherwise considered? You can be angry about an outcome or you can find a way to turn it into something beneficial; it's just a change in attitude.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/20/18 06:14 AM
Girl, you just need a weekend in the sun.
Posted By: Sotto Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/20/18 11:44 PM
Hi Ginger, I'm sorry to read about your job disappointment.

When you aren't selected for a job you wanted, it is always worth constructively asking for feedback and being willing to listen and understand the reasons - and adjust your approach or add to your skill set if needed? Particularly with internal appointments, this can be helpful. (I work in HR :))

It that is the role you truly want, what would you need to do to make yourself the first person that would be looked at for that job and for the job not to be offered to someone else who may be perceived as a better fit? We don't find it easy to ask for feedback at times when we are feeling a bit crushed because things haven't gone our way - we've all been there - but if we can open-heartedly seek it - I think it is worthwhile. This isn't the universe handing you a raw deal, it is someone within your company perceiving there may be a better fit for that particular role, at this particular point. And all of that is something you can do something about...

Hope this helps a little Ginger anyway xx
Posted By: job Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/21/18 08:29 AM
Sotto,

Your suggestion about feedback is excellent. Ginger, when things settle down a bit, make an appointment w/the person who did the hiring and inquire as to why you were not selected. It may the way you wrote your resume or it could be something else...but you won't know until you ask. Once you know how the decision was made, you can then begin working on whatever it is you need to do to outshine others in the future.

Sometimes, jobs we apply for are not always the right fit and something better comes along...but I would not let this one selection get the better of me. I would most certainly be looking around to see what type of employment opportunities are open or will be opening up in the near future. Networking and putting "feelers" out w/others will help you.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/21/18 11:10 AM
Sotto and Job, thanks for the great suggestions. However, I never even got to the interview process. I submitted my application through our internal transfer, never even spoke to anyone regarding the position, they filled it internally within the unit and the hospital before I even got to an interview. I had the application up since October, and in the beginning of December just got around to consider people for the position. I networked well prior, and a few people called in a recommendation for me within the system who worked there. Even the physician advisor I would be working with. The other, job, well, they were going to get me in for an interview, but I couldn't take the pay cut. I once had a job I chased after for 2 years, even got turned down the first time around, and I finally got it, only to get laid off in the first 9 months.

I have no choice but to stay within the system. I'll keep looking. One recruiter from within my position suggested the possibility of working per diem to get my foot in the door until a full-time position opened up. I am considering doing so at the hospital in my system close to my house. I would work every other weekend. It would be a helluva lot, but lets make lemonade out of lemons, I am single, and have every other weekend to myself so some extra cash wouldn't hurt. I would be exhausted and often work 8 days in a row, but whatevs. I am going to take time to consider if this option if the right one for me.

Doodler,
I asked thought long and hard about what you wrote. I asked myself, "have I ever made lemonade out of lemons?" I was able to come up with so many times that I have. usually in a job situation too. My current situation is lemonade out of lemons. I got laid off, I needed a job, I applied to this one amongst many, I had idea what the position actually entailed, but the money and hours were right, they liked me and I took it. Wasn't my dream job, but I focused on the positives, and at the time, there were more. I also took advantage of it and got my degree when my job was fairly easy and there was less stress. My injury and surgery? OMG, that was the last thing I needed! Going tp physical therapy for over 6 months? What a huge inconvience especially since I had to take my daughter. Our night time routine seriously got screwed. But I said I might as well make the best of it and enjoy it as my free gym membership. I made friends, I learned to enjoy it and look at is as fun rather than inconvience.

When I had to leave college and get my own apartment because my mother turned back to drugs when I was 19, I thought that was the pits, but I am forever thankful for how independent I was forced to become. I had no choice but to learn to live on my own and provide for myself. I am forever thankful for that opportunity, because I knew how to handle myself when my husband left me at a young age. I had a career and providing for myself was nothing new. I had a baby to provide for too, but I learned how.

So yeah, I know how to turn negatives into positives. Sometimes there simply is no positive. I can't find one right now. So, I'll accept that this really blows, but I'll just keep chugging along and set out for a new plan of action.

For a little while, I am going to lay low though and not kill myself trying to change things. I will try to learn to how to be happy here, but I don't know that I can be. One tiny thing has to change. Job wise, social wise, relationship wise. But it's pretty stale right now and I'll have to earn how to be happy where I am.

And Sunny, you are absolutely right. I just need some sun.
Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/22/18 12:56 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1

Doodler,
I asked thought long and hard about what you wrote. I asked myself, "have I ever made lemonade out of lemons?" I was able to come up with so many times that I have. usually in a job situation too. My current situation is lemonade out of lemons.


Ginger,

You may be right, and I may be very wrong. I'm often wrong. What I said was completely based on the things that I've read on this forum so I don't really know what your life is like.

Having said that, and I'm not trying to be polemic or provocative (to the contrary), it seems like you get caught in a cycle of seeing some hope and light in your future, then suffering a bit of a disappointment or setback and then the bottom bursts and the tears flow. Again, I could be wrong, but that's what I see from afar.

I'm just wondering if you're not caught in your own cycle of self-imposed suffering. When you submit a "downer" post on this forum, most of the kind people here say very nice things to you to help cheer you up. That's a good thing, but it may also enable the cycle, to continue. So, I'm taking the other approach, which is to say, "Wake up and get out of that freaking abysmal cycle."

Yet again, I could be wrong, and if I am, I'll have to go shopping for a new dress so I can put this incident out of my mind. And I hope I haven't done any permanent harm.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/22/18 01:24 AM
Originally Posted By: doodler
[quote=Ginger1]

Ginger,


Having said that, and I'm not trying to be polemic or provocative (to the contrary), it seems like you get caught in a cycle of seeing some hope and light in your future, then suffering a bit of a disappointment or setback and then the bottom bursts and the tears flow. Again, I could be wrong, but that's what I see from afar.

This is true. It's a cycle I have been stuck in since I was a kid. But it has never been with the little things, just the life changing things. This is not a pity statement, but a reality statement. There is no one thing in life that has a "normal" way of happening for most people, and I usually fall into the percentage of the population where the odds are against. So even the small seemingly normal victories for most, where people don't have to think twice about them, have been met with such challenge for me. It is what it is, I don't know why, and I stopped asking, but it's probably why I take the loss harder than most. I can handle disappointment rather well. I always have. I have never been spoiled (despite the fact I am an only child) and I am a super realist, not a pessimist, where I know life is no fairytale and we often don't get what we want no matter how hard we try. The reason why I feel it so much is kind of years and years of accumulation and straws that break the camel's back. But yes, I could work on not being so disappointed. ANd letting more things roll off my back, which they always have in the past. You would never believe this, but I am actually very much a type B personality and have a laid back personality. Which changed a bit when I became a single mother, but I still err towards the type B side.

I'm just wondering if you're not caught in your own cycle of self-imposed suffering. When you submit a "downer" post on this forum, most of the kind people here say very nice things to you to help cheer you up. That's a good thing, but it may also enable the cycle, to continue. So, I'm taking the other approach, which is to say, "Wake up and get out of that freaking abysmal cycle."

AM I caught in a downer cycle? Yes. I have been trying to work my way back out of it. But the cheering up doesn't enable the cycle. In my real world over here, no one knows anything about what I deal with or go through or how I feel. I don't really have anyone to lean on and nor do I ever choose to lean on anyone, and tht's my own choice. So yeah, validation makes me feel as if I am not going completely crazy sometimes, but trust me, I want OUT of this cycle. So I appreciate you trying to help me with that. I have always been a happy, funny, sarcastic person and believe it or not, I make people laugh. I can actually even be the life of the party. My daughter rarely sees me down, and maybe sometimes because I have to put on my game face so often when I don't want to, When I finally let it fall apart, I really let it fall apart.

Yet again, I could be wrong, and if I am, I'll have to go shopping for a new dress so I can put this incident out of my mind. And I hope I haven't done any permanent harm.

The only permanent harm you might do is bend over while wear a dress that is too short while going commando. You are right about some things yes, and from what I put on here, you have every reason to see what you see. While I am a very genuine person and what you see is what you get, this can be kind of my miserable journal which is a small part of my life. Or maybe a bigger part of my life lately, but I am working on that.

Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/22/18 02:00 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
The only permanent harm you might do is bend over while wear a dress that is too short while going commando.


That would be nuts.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/22/18 08:49 AM
I'll throw something nice in here. My dad and his wife and her mother came by Saturday and spent the day together and we all went out to a very nice dinner. The restaurant used to be a family favorite when I was little and we would go often. It went from that Hibachi place to a nice steakhouse last year. My dad and I were reminiscing about when we use dot eat dinner there together as a family and my dad began to talk to about my mom. In a loving way. He was really genuine about it. I said "you know she loved you very much, right?" ANd he said " I loved her too" It meant a lot for me to hear.

And D10 had her dad on speakerphone yesterday and he says "did you hear about superbowl sunday?" I said "yes, your sister invited us and I said yes, I am going" he makes a point to say "I was the one who invited you, I told my sister to. I think we are all going to have fun!" He totally wants to hang out with me because I am much cooler than his wife. HAHAHAHA.
Posted By: Vanilla Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/22/18 11:27 AM
I am rocking with laughter ginger1.....

V
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/23/18 04:26 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
And D10 had her dad on speakerphone yesterday and he says "did you hear about superbowl sunday?" I said "yes, your sister invited us and I said yes, I am going" he makes a point to say "I was the one who invited you, I told my sister to. I think we are all going to have fun!" He totally wants to hang out with me because I am much cooler than his wife. HAHAHAHA.


Funny! You know sometimes you post things about your XH that remind me so very closely of mine. We officially separated in early Oct. of 2014. Toward the end of that month, or first of Nov (don't really remember which now), his sister invited me to her house for Thanksgiving because when we'd been married, we had always done Thanksgiving day with his family at his sister's house then Thanksgiving with my family on the weekend, because that is what worked best for both sides of the family. Anyway, SHE called and invited me, assured me I was most welcome, they all wanted me there, etc., so I told her I greatly appreciated the invite and that I would seriously think about it (I didn't want to just say yes out of obligation because I still loved his family, but I really needed to think about how my interaction with him would go and if it would make it awkward for everyone else). I ultimately told her I'd come. Anyway, now that I have rambled and made your post a really long story about me, he got mad at me shortly after Thanksgiving when I showed up at his sister's house, after being invited, but I did NOT invite him to go to my family's gathering with me. He came to my house and read me the riot act about my trying to turn my family against him and made this big fat deal about how it was MY obligation to make sure he still had a relationship with my family because the only reason I got to go to his sister's was because HE had talked her into inviting me and he wanted me there. What the h3ll ever, you arrogant ba$tard! His sister invited me because she still cared about me and quite honestly was mad at him for the way he ended things. She and I are STILL friends and she's STILL mad at him and blames him for how things ended between me and him.

Sorry for stealing your post, but I really said all that to say that I have been in a very similar situation and I kind of had the same thought at the time....that he preferred to be around me than his tart even though he left me for her. And, obviously he STILL does, because while he never talks to me or reaches out to me, he's constantly asking the girls about me and commenting on stuff that I post on facebook. Get over yourself, dude.....you left and I moved on!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/24/18 05:55 AM
Popping in shortly during lunch. Today I was called into my managers office because the big VP has complained about me. We moved cubes and I am right in front of the VP's office. She passes by all the time. I got the worst spot. Anyways, she went ot my boss and told her I am never in my cube (the only place I go is to stretch, go to the bathroom, or I was helping a newer coworker with something yesterday and was in his cube for a while), I am at my coworkers cube too much (we work on the same area from time to time and we have to discuss things because)and I am on my phone too much (actually, no, I listen to Pandora on my phone and our wifi hasn't been working in the building so I keep making sure I am not knocked off). I do my work, I am productive, and I am helpful to my team members. My boss, who is now a director is scared of the VP, so basically she never stood up for me and told me to be extra extra careful. So, now I sit in my cube, don't talk to anyone. I am scared to go to the bathroom, I am not walking as much as I should, which is how I got this stupid contracture in my knee I am working to hard to get out, and I feel defeated.

I have always been a hard worker. I have always been a helpful resource to those I have worked with. This is disheartening.

Lemonade out of this lemon? I am even more fired up to find another position.

Oh, and my D10 has been struggling in science. She got a bad grade on a quiz and flipped and obsessed and cried.... I emailed the teacher and she gave me additional resource so I can help her. Well, my very bright kid found a huge discrepancy in the book and with the online resource. It's a new science program this year, and now the teacher has brought it to all the 5th grade teachers and they are seeing what they can do about this issue. The teachers never caught this, but my girl did. I am proud of her.

Oh, and FF's sister did not unfriend me She is back on FB now, she went off for a while. There was a tragic loss in their family. she posted pictures of the last time the "family" (incluling this aunt and uncle that passed) which also included the girlfriend. She became quite a part of the family from the beginning. I also found out she lives in my very small town and is 23 years old. Much more age appropriate for him. And he put on ALOT of weight. I did post to his sister that I am very sorry for her loss. FB is sadly a way to see my ex' and the women they have now, which are all right after me. So I make a note of note of not going on often.

I've taken to cleaning out my office/spare bedroom and decluttering the house, so that keeps me busy at night. I to bed at 9:30 and wake up at 5:45 now. It helps. Hopefully taking a drive to visit a friend this weekend. I can use a little distraction.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/26/18 03:10 AM
Journaling,

Other people's posts really have me thinking lately. First, I read Zues posts and I feel his passion. His soul is alive. He nurtures what feeds his soul. I miss that feeling. I was always passionate about my work as a nurse, working with others. I am not doing that right now. Working out often and testing my limits and getting out and trying new activities made me feel alive. I am very slowly gaining that back. Very slowly. Very very slowly, lol. In the short time I have had the chance to be someone's romantic partner, I loved it. Don't have that right now. So, really, I need to find a way to do what I am passionate about again. I am trying for more volunteer opportunities and maybe a second job. But I need a passion, there is no doubt.

Then, over on another thread discussing child custody schedules, I realized something. My daughter will most likely not be having anymore overnights during the week with her father come high school. His house is too far away from the high school and she has to be there too early. He won't mind losing the week nights. I'll be ok with it, as she will be more self-sufficient. I hope she is ok with it and will be very involved in activities and friends. A lot of the future is pretty unknown still.

AT work we have an intranet that the whole system has access too. There is a section for "shout-outs" where you can thank a fellow employee and say something positive. I was going to wait until I was done, but yesterday I decided To give my PT and the assistant a shout out. I wanted them to know the way they go above and beyond is appreciated and I wanted their manager to see that too. I know we all go to work for our paycheck and do what is expected of us and that shouldn't really require extra praise, but they do go above and beyond and I know they would love to feel appreciated. It's anonymous, but from my post, they figured out it was me. I came in and they both said "it was you!!!!" they hugged me and both said they were having crappy days and it really made their day.

SO yes, I like to make other people happy. It's partially selfish, but it mostly comes from a place of empathy. I know how it feels to be down in the dumps, unappreciated or just depressed. And if I could make one person's day a better day, well, then I made a difference in this world. That does feed my soul too.

Don't get me wrong, I am no mother Theresa. I will flip off the first person who cuts me off or does something stupid on the road and I will react to someone who pisses me off. But I must say, in my older age, I am much more mindful of what kind of day these people might be having and I try not to be such an A hole.

Got some fun stuff coming up the next few weekends. And hopefully a trip to FL the first weekend in March.

I am trying my hardest to perk up!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 01/26/18 03:49 AM
One of the things I value most about this whole DB thing is the insight, advice, wisdom I get from other people's posts. I don't necessarily always comment, but I read all of them and I sometimes find things that speak to me in a certain way. I'm always grateful for the group here and the words everyone posts, as I think in some ways, it has helped me heal and get back to a place that I really needed to find my way back to.

I LOVE your work "shout-out" thing. In fact, I think I'm going to bring that up here. We have a morale issue and it would be so super helpful....at least I think it would. Who doesn't like a little pat on the back or atta boy once in awhile? Lord knows I do! I read something recently that said you shouldn't reward yourself with food because you aren't a pet and it just left me feeling a little deflated, but I realized I do that. LOL So, atta boys would be better. Now, an ice cream cone from Baskin Robbins will TASTE better, but the atta boy will feel better. LOL

Happy weekend, G..................enjoy your weekends and hang in there on the rest. You are fabulous!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/01/18 05:46 AM
I have decided to stay off my own thread for a little while. While I decided to stop sharing the bad stuff, I should at least post something good. I am visiting my friend in FL the first weekend in March. I got everything worked out to take a Friday and a Monday off, and the airfare was dirt cheap. I need some fun and sun. And I can't wait to meet her boyfriend. There will be eating, drinking, beaching.... everything I love! Having something to look forward too helps.

There is more stuff going on that is my life, but I am going to pretend like it's not happening.
Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/01/18 08:59 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
There is more stuff going on that is my life, but I am going to pretend like it's not happening.


Ginger,

You shouldn't hold back just because there are mean people on this forum. There's this one creepy guy, I won't mention his name, but his name has two d's and two o's and he's weird.

I'll get things going by telling you about a travesty that happened to me recently. A few nights ago I had a dream about an old girlfriend that I had way-back in my late teens. I haven't thought about her in decades, but she suddenly appears in my dream. She looked just like she did when she was 18 except that she had tattoos all over one of her arms.

I decided to try to see if I could find her online. I knew she'd married and divorced at least once, but I only knew her maiden name. It took some work, but I finally found her on Facebook. It brought up a lot of old feelings. It was really strange; I remembered how it felt to be in love with her. The range of emotions that I felt was very unusual for me. But, you know what the worst part was? I could look at her picture and I know it's her, but she's an old lady now. I'm just a young buck and she's an old lady. What the h3ll? I couldn't possibly be an old guy could I?
Posted By: Vanilla Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/01/18 11:12 PM
Ginger

Sweet loving lady, there is tough stuff, even more tough stuff and a little fun..

We all have it. Although it's hard, we are here to share and to lift the load, just a little.

I know that I have some very dark days still and if nothing else it does help.

And Doodler there is more than one scary mean guy here........

And neither of them are Doodler. Just doodling.

V
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/02/18 01:53 AM
Doodler, I was seriously sick of listening to myself. I would write the post and be like "God, I am miserable!" There definitely has been creepy guys, but believe it or not, you are not one of them as V said. Mean, only when you call your ex girlfriend old.

V- You are right there is tough stuff, but in the mix there is fun. I do have lots of fun coming up. I guess the dark days never completely go away, but they do get less and less.

So, I have been suffering from severe tendonitis in my right hip due to over compensation from my left knee. I mean like excruciating pain. My PT is having me rest this week from the tough exercises that involved that size and she has been trying to work it out for me. I am still in so much pain, so I called my surgoesn office and they wouldn't give me a Medrol pack without me seeing them and that isn't until next week. SO I called my doctor friend and he took care of me.

I took the first whole days dose last night and at 2am I was WIDE awake, despite 2 doses of melatonin. I look at my phone and I see FF friended me on Snapchat and sent me a message. I never use snapchat, I only downloaded it so D10 can use the filters. So this made me even more wide awake. His message was "Hey". I wrote back "hey....." I know he read it at 4am but no response. THEN, I get a text from my BFF this morning with a screen shot of her FB messenger where he "waved" hi to her. She was like "wtf is this all about?" I told her he reached out to me too...

I have no idea what is up. Curiosity is killing me, because that is my nature. But it is all very strange. He was probably drunk. I know his family had a tragic loss. But the dude as far as I know is in an R. God knows what he wants. But to wave to my friend too?

Oh well. gearing up for the beer expo Saturday and a superbowl party with my favorite and ex husband and his wifey poo. Lord help me!
Posted By: job Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/02/18 02:08 AM
Ginger,

Please continue to post. This forum is here to help everyone navigate through the perils of divorce and after divorce. You've had a lot going on and need a safe place to vent.

Sure, you've had a lot going on...but you are human and you need a safe place to vent. Life isn't always a bed of roses and as we navigate the thorns, it helps to be able to post and get some feedback.

I am so sorry about your current situation w/your hip. I know it's too soon to try this, but try to walk normal for a bit, no limping. Limping tends to make the other limb over compensate. I had to learn how to "walk normal" after my partial knee replacement and I was able to see a difference in the "good knee" when I did this. Also, you may want to change the type of shoes you are wearing for a bit. Get something light weight. I purchased a pair of Sketchers and they helped a lot. Tennis shoes/running shoes tend to be a bit heavy.

I hope that you feel better soon.
Posted By: Vanilla Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/02/18 09:43 AM
I love the term wifey poo.

Love it, love it.

What a clever term for a brown nosed dirt bag of a woman.

I am sad about your hip, ouch, ouch, ouch. I want the treatment to work for you as pain truly is the last thing you need at this point.

I am sending you by best rainbow strength. And that something wonderful happens at the superbowl party and I know you will absolutely have your revenge body on.

V
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/05/18 01:47 AM
Sorry about the hip. Hopefully you can get some relief on that issue soon. I think your posts are very honest and help others on this forum realize some things as they read your situation and thoughts and feelings. I think that is what this "community" is all about....people helping each other and learning from each other's experiences. I think we all tend to judge ourselves a little harsher, like your response to doodler when you said you were tired of listening to yourself. Girl, I rarely hit submit on a post without thinking that anyone who reads it and isn't in my head knowing exactly what is happening is going to think I'm the biggest freaking looney toon on the planet. You know what I mean? Anyway, hope you had a fabulous weekend and look forward to hearing all about it.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/05/18 02:25 AM
Hello all,

I do feel comfortable posting here. I've appreciated every 2x4 over the years, the support, the candor, everything. Some days I hate reading what I write. At this point, I wish I was coming on here telling everyone about my wonderful new husband and step children and new house. About how wonderful my post D M is and what I have learned and all that. It just isn't how it's worked out so far. But I do make a promise, I will not disappear when those things happen if they ever do.

The first big dose of steroids felt good and now that I am tapering the pain is returning a bit. However, the steroids also helped me knee! I have been walking like a champ, haha! Although the ex asked why I was still limping yesterday.....

So, I have some stories to tell if you all want to hang around for them. Probably the most interesting is how our one big happy family Superbowl party went. I'll skip the details and head to the higlights. ExH was playing poker with the guys when I walked in. When he was done I joked with him and OWW about who the single guys were. He tells me when I walked in the guys asked "who is that? is she single?" and Ex tells them "yup, that's my ex wife!!!" he retells this story to me and it was so weird. It was like he was bragging about it. Yes, arse, and you traded me in for THAT. OWW thinks she is my best buddy, sitting with me and talking to me and kissing me goodbye. Kind of makes me throw-up in my mouth a little.

I observed their interactions. My ex basically plays his game on the phone the whole time. They sat next to eachtoher on the couch, he plays his game, she flips through her phone and she tried to be affectionate with him. They have never done that in front of me before, but she kept trying to touch his leg, or put her arm around him, but he is oblivious and does not reciprocate. He used to be very into physical touch. A hand holder, a cuddler, a hugger and a kisser. I guess he grew out of that. There was one point where D10 was sitting between them on the couch and OWW was getting all cuddly with her, and I wasn't the easiest to watch.

If you are still with me, now to the FF situation. I know I should have not thought twice about the drunken reach outs. But they got in my head, and in my dreams. I came to realize he also sought me out on IG where he had unfollowed me and made his account private. I hadn't been on in a long time and all of a sudden I found that someone started following me again. SO I requested to follow back! I also left him a message. Shouldn't have, as I saw he went and blocked me on Sanpchat.

The message read " I see you have a think for drunk messaging me and regretting it in the morning, and even this time went so far as to contact my friend. If you legit need a friend to talk to, unblock my number on text and reach out that way. Otherwise if you are playing games, I am simply too old for them (pun sort of intended)." I confess to using his nickname I had for him (well, it's his firehouse nickname I adopted).

So, of course, he goes and unfollows me and blocks me there too. I am sort of glad. I don't know what his weirdo deal is. Maybe because it's been a year since our first date when we began our short and sweet R. Maybe he was just so drunk and having a hard time with the loss in his family, he did something stupid and regretted it. I don't know. It makes me feel crappy when he reaches out and has such regret. I'd rather never hear from him again, and hopefully I won't. And next time, I will not respond. There is nothing to be gained from it.

I'm pretty tired and emotionally drained today. All the people who chose someone else I have been exposed to over the weekend and it kind of wears one out.

Hopefully I will get mine one day.
Posted By: Coconut Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/05/18 02:44 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
My ex basically plays his game on the phone the whole time. They sat next to eachtoher on the couch, he plays his game, she flips through her phone and she tried to be affectionate with him. They have never done that in front of me before, but she kept trying to touch his leg, or put her arm around him, but he is oblivious and does not reciprocate. He used to be very into physical touch. A hand holder, a cuddler, a hugger and a kisser. I guess he grew out of that.


I'd rather be happily alone by myself than unhappily alone with someone else any day...

As for seeing oww cuddling with D10, I understand that uneasiness, but in the long run I think it's better for D10 than being ignored. First time I saw the new boyfriend, I wasn't sure it was but figured it was since they showed up at my sons wrestling meet together, he went up to talk to my son for a few minutes before they realized I was in the crowd. It made me very uneasy seeing that, I would of much preferred my son not meet any new R until we were at least D, but I realized that I'd prefer him be friendly than an azz..

And, I don't know if your ex was bragging that you were his ex, I'm gonna say he was (hmm, not sure how to say this nicely or pg) male genitalia blocking you... after a comment like that, he was probably pretty confident you wouldn't have an opportunity to hit it off with any of the single men at the party.

Hopefully you were able to have a good time overall at the party.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/05/18 05:23 AM
Hey coconut, I did have a good time at the party. Luckily, I am social, can fit in with most crowds, ect. I was tired though, from having been at the beer expo the night before.

It a, thankful OWW is good with her, absolutely, of course. I always want what's best for her, that's why I do what I do.

And it's funny, I did say "you told them I was your ex-W? my chances are over!' yup, he was totally c@ck-blocking. OWW told me they were too immature for me anyways......

This is my life! It's kind of hilarious sometimes.
Posted By: DonH Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/05/18 12:07 PM
I want to give you an "outstanding" for the message you sent FF - well most of it. You straight up called him out. You appeared strong, matter of fact, and bold. I would have left out the if you need a friend unblock me, comment. Perhaps if you need someone to talk to I can recommend some outstanding therapists you might want to speak with. OkAy, perhaps not that snarky but you get the point. You owe him nothing and most certainly should not be a soft place friend for him to fall to.

I have to wonder if some part of you is hoping that whatever crazy stretch of life he was going through is over and he might come back to normal - and to you? It's a normal reaction for many and I understand it but you need more and better.

G, he is showing you who he really is. I know we want to remember the good times and any piece of you still clinging to him, small as it may be, is remembering that along with who you hoped he would be. That's not who he is. Who he is, is the guy who breaks up over text and then blocks you. Who he is, is the guy who for whatever reason reaches out in the middle if the night, then runs away again. He's a runner - clearly. I'll bet that's how he ends it with current GF. The pattern is there.

Keep standing tall and strong saying, dude, what's your deal? Ive moved on, you should too.

I still give you a B+ for that response. Perhaps it's now time to block HIM to get an A!
Posted By: Vanilla Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/06/18 12:38 AM
Oh yes Ginger.

Truth darting like a master.

V
Posted By: job Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/06/18 03:06 AM
Ginger,

I am happy to read that you had a good time on Sunday.

As for the FF, I think you did the right thing. It was time to call him out for his crazy making behavior. I think he's got some serious issues w/commitment and he contacts you to see if you'll take his bait. He needs ego kibbles and he knows that you are a wonderful person who enjoyed his company, so what better way to get additional ego kibbles than to contact you. The next time, yes, I do think he'll do it again...but not for a while, just ignore him. The sooner he realizes that you are on to his little ego kibble game, the sooner he will realize that you are one smart lady who doesn't have time for immature men.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/06/18 03:28 AM
Thank you! I do feel like I handled this one well. The ONLY reason why I offered to be a friend if he needed one is because his family just suffered a very tragic loss. His Aunt and Uncle in their 50's died, (no idea how) but it must have been something pretty tragic. So, I tried to be a decent person while letting him know I am not into his games.

He is definitely caught in that place in his life between being a man and still having that immaturity. He probably did need his ego to be fed a bit. But I am not someone to be regretted in the morning! He may try to contact me one again, but I feel comfortable ignoring it now. I said my piece and I am good with I.

Sure, There is a part of me that is a little wishy washy because it's been a year. He's coming up on all my "ON this Day's" Saturday is a year from our first date. I don't want him back, we do not belong together.

So, all that being said. I have a date Friday night. This one hasn't tried to get me to buy him ITunes giftcards yet. He also isn't a priest. He didn't ask me my bra size. And he is my age. Cautiously optimistic.
Posted By: kml Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/06/18 07:04 AM
Quote:
He's coming up on all my "ON this Day's"


FB needs to come up with a way to block these things. Seriously! SO glad I wasn't on FB when I got divorced.

AS for the new date - here's hoping for a nice normal guy who will be besotted with you because you deserve it.
Posted By: Cadet Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/06/18 07:15 AM
Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
He's coming up on all my "ON this Day's"


FB needs to come up with a way to block these things. Seriously! SO glad I wasn't on FB when I got divorced.

AS for the new date - here's hoping for a nice normal guy who will be besotted with you because you deserve it.

Yeah I hate when my EX comes up on that!
Posted By: doodler Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/06/18 07:38 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
This one hasn't tried to get me to buy him ITunes giftcards yet. He also isn't a priest. He didn't ask me my bra size.


It's sounds like he's normal; that can't be good. Maybe he's the victim of an unfortunate smelting accident?
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/06/18 08:51 AM
Yay for the date with someone who at least sounds decent. He's off to a flying start, anyway, since there's been no mention of gift cards or bras yet. I'm now the one who is reading your posts, just waiting for the next installment because I'm so excited for you. Have a BLAST!
Posted By: JujuB Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/08/18 01:11 PM
Im excited for you too. Good luck.

I think with FF if you keep responding to him even just calling him out, it looks like your pursuing.

I get that you clicked with him and want to be a friend, but i get the feeling that hes seeing you as a crazy chick that is jumping on every opportunity to get back in touch with him. Its not appealing to him. Even though thats not what you are doing, I would just ignore him for prides sake. Some guys prefer the veronicas over the bettys. He sounds like one of them. His loss.
Posted By: kml Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/10/18 11:18 AM
Ok, since you accidentally posted about your date on another thread, I'll reply here.
Thoughts:
- second date sounds like a fine idea. If you're still not interested after that, then you can say "sorry, not for me". But I agree with others that if it wasn't an obvious "no way", that it's reasonable to try s second date before making up your mind,

As for that immediate attraction, " one of a kind" relationship - how's that been workin' for you? Yes, it's important to feel attraction for your partner. BUT - some people with broken pickers feel that "immediate attraction" for people who are all wrong for them, or who will be guaranteed to recreate past wounds and abandonment. Some people gravitate unconsciously toward that. So you should give any guy who's not an immediate "no way" a second date and a chance to get to know them better before you decide.

As for OLD vs real life - it's all just a numbers game. You'd be incredibly lucky to hit the jackpot after dating 2, or 5, or 10 people. You need to go on a lot of coffee dates to find someone you're interested in.

Btw - what did you find that you didn't like on his FB page? I don't think it's unreasonable to take a peek (but bear in mind you will start showing up in their "you may know" recommendations and he may know you snooped. ) It would be a nonstarter for me if a guy was of a certain diametrically opposite political persuasion, or displayed racist or misogynistic tendencies on his page.

As for physical attraction - I'll admit I have a fondness for a certain "type". But I've dated men of all physical types (my ex husband actually wasn't "my type" but I found him very attractive once I knew him). Idris Elba would be my ideal but I once had a mad crush on a 5'4" white physicist. So don't limit yourself too much with comparisons to the past or ideas about instant attraction. Just try to get to know who these people are , their values, their interests, their philosophy on life.
Posted By: job Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/10/18 11:26 AM
Ginger,

I have copied your postings, as I cannot move them around like you would on paper. I will delete them from the other poster's thread. So here are the last two postings that you posted elsewhere:

"I came to post about my date. And I cannot put my feelings into words. So bear with me.

Before we went out, I guess I had my reservations, so I guess I didn't go into it with the best mindset. No red flags, just personality traits that weren't quite a turn on. And I made the mistake of looking him up on FB which painted a picture.

He is ok looking. Conversation was good, although there is something immature about him I can't quite put my finger on. He kept looking me up and down which I thought was weird. He told me I was very attractive. Positives is he knows exactly what it means to date a single mom. He's got a job and his own apartment. He likes hockey, although my rival team. Makes for interesting banter in most cases.

He seems almost to eager to make something work. He clearly doesn't want to be single anymore. He asked me out again, and he kissed me. I don't like the way he kisses. It was my first kiss since FF. Instead of having that giddy feeling, I actually shed some tears on the way home. I think more with disappointment in myself. The sparks aren't flying for me, I don't quite know why. They never really have on an online date. Only when I meet someone the old fashioned way.

It's me, I am messed up, I know I am. I have a standard set, I guess. What exNG and I had was one of a kind. I may never feel that ay again. I know it doesn't work for an actual R due to our other differences, but he will always be the standard on how I want to feel with someone. FF came close. Our connection wasn't as strong as me and exNG, but we had something uniquely special.

I want to feel that with someone. I don't know if it's something I can make happen. I don't even understand why I felt the way I did with this guy. He said it's one of the best OLD he's had.

I think I have a hard time dating someone without kids too. It's a special common bond, if that makes sense. I know FF didn't have any, but there was something about the way he was with his nephew and even D10. He is actually a natural.

I will probably get blasted for going on another date, but I think I should give it a chance. See what was wrong with me last night. Or what's wrong with me all together.

Tonight I am getting together with some of my long time friends. A few of us are still so close, but due to life and the such, we never get to see the others. We are having a girls night with food, drinks, games. This is what my heat is excited for.

Oh, and Juju, the last thing I wanted to come off to FF as desperate and needy. Or even wanting him in anyway. I actually don't even want to be friends with him. I just felt bad and I thought maybe his reaching out in every which way had to od with the tragedy in the fam. But really, it's just a game he plays, and I will not play it anymore. Never going to answer again.

Today would have been our one year anniversary. Which means nothing when you only date for a few months. But I call myself the rainman of dates. Dates always stick in my head, everything that happened on those days, down to what I wore. yet I can't remember a name for life of me, go figure.

And before anyone says anything, my comparisons aren't because I long for these guys of the past. It's the feeling I know I should have with someone else and it's hard to settle for something less. And probably because I do well on my own. So it's got to give me something totally worth it."

And here is DonH's response:

"I don't know that I have a lot but one thing I'm positive of is you are not "Messed Up" - certainly not in the traditional sense of that word. That said, I think some of the dynamic is you - but not in a messed up sense.

I also think you should go out again with him. It just is really too darn hard to tell the first time you meet someone - unless you know there is just no attraction. I've had that. Actually my first OLD way back when - I knew within 60 seconds we were not a match and there was just no way. That's not what you describe here though. I think something is going on with you in part - but it's not to the level of you are broken and messed up.

My other observation is, I wonder if women every feel or say things like you did about this guy about me? I don't want to make this about me though so I'll move off of it quickly. Just to say, that I sometimes think about this and for whatever reason, perhaps I'm sort of a successful perfectionist in other areas of life, that it just kills me to have a woman look at me like you are looking at this guy. So much so I'd rather not pursue or date at all than have someone be put off by my conversation, or how I look at them or how I kiss them. Thing is, deep down, that's not me. I know it's not because of dozens of women in the past. Unless I've changed, they just don't know me well enough yet. Could that be the case with this guy?

Finally, you say, it was no big deal. You were just going to meet him and whatever happens, happens. But then you are researching him on Facebook and building things up. These two don't match. It's one thing to say you are going to do something - or not do something - and another to actually do it. You are saying one thing but doing another. You are trying to make it no big deal and just act as if but then are making it a bigger deal by your actions. I don't know why you are doing this but I do know it's not helping you. It almost seems like no guy has a chance unless he knocks you off your seat and brings up the feelings of the past. If not, he's shot down before he gets started. Yes, you're going to give me a second chance - but are you really?

In some ways I'm the same. Is that why both of us have not had a LTR in 10 plus years while many others have? Are we too ridged, expecting too much? I know for me, I don't know any other way. I can't feel what I don't feel. It may be the same for you. But that also means for both of us, unless we get really, really, really lucky and meet that one in one thousand person we are not going to feel it. There has to be some reason others find a great match on their first OLD try and we can't get a third date after multiple years. It's not you or me 100% but we have to have some level in this.

Not sure if that helps but it's all I've got right now."
_________________________
DonH
Posted By: JujuB Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/11/18 02:02 AM
I think OLD is different in that you are meeting a complete stranger. Unless they are really good at flirting, body language and engaging eye contact and connection (you can learn how to do that on various you tube videos), you are probably not going to feel an instant attraction. IRL dating when you meet someone in school or work or maybe on forums you have time to build up a crush first. I waited 4 dates before i kissed the guy i met on OLD. I didnt know him. And after that i liked the kiss and decided that i wanted to continue romantically. I liked his profile because it was lengthy, showed soneone that wanted a ltr and i got the feeling that he was a LBS and single dad. Soneone like that deserved getting to know. I didnt look him up. But he said he did to me to see if i was telling the truth.

Ginger. I met you and in no way do you come across as a needy or desperate person. I think you are stunning, popular, amd lots of fun. But i know how certain guys are. Especially single, younger ones. (I used to hang out with all my brothers friends amd i have some brutally honest male friends)
I think texts like that are not meant to reach out for help in difficult times.

They are actually very disrespectful on his part.

I am glad that you are not going to respond anymore.
Posted By: Cadet Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 01:47 AM
Originally Posted By: job
I will probably get blasted for going on another date, but I think I should give it a chance.

Love is a Choice not a feeling.

I think that giving it another chance is a good idea, you never know what may happen, and you need to change things up.
Posted By: Cadet Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 01:49 AM
Originally Posted By: kml

As for that immediate attraction, " one of a kind" relationship - how's that been workin' for you? Yes, it's important to feel attraction for your partner. BUT - some people with broken pickers feel that "immediate attraction" for people who are all wrong for them, or who will be guaranteed to recreate past wounds and abandonment. Some people gravitate unconsciously toward that. So you should give any guy who's not an immediate "no way" a second date and a chance to get to know them better before you decide.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ YES ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 02:09 AM
I don't know that you will get blasted for going on another date. In fact, I think most people would be supportive of that idea. Though you didn't experience an immediate attraction, you conversely, did not experience an immediate revulsion. OLD is different in that you literally do NOT know who you are getting until that actual face to face meeting. Sure, you have a good idea of who the person is who is going to show up, but that "image" is based not only on what that person has told you about themselves, but also on some assumptions that you make about personality traits, likes/dislikes, demeanor, etc. I guess I'm just saying that no matter how much we'd like to think we know someone through conversation (texting, messaging, phone calls), we don't ACTUALLY know someone until we can look them in the face and have a REAL conversation in person. So, I think far more people on here would say a second date is absolutely a great idea, just to make SURE before you write this guy off. I'm not sure what you found on his FB that gave you pause and I'm not saying you shouldn't trust your gut, just saying to be open-minded and see what happens. I don't want to hijack your post and make something about me, but I can say that normally, I would've written truck guy off based on his profile and some of our initial conversations. He's a very nice guy, but in many ways, we are very different people. But, because we "met" in an OLD situation, I decided to give him a chance and I'm SO glad I did because he truly is a super nice guy. So, you just never know.............good luck with it, whatever you decide to do and whatever happens. The main thing you need to remember is you are NOT messed up. You are an awesome person who will find your awesome partner when the time is right. (Yeah, yeah, I HATE when people say that to me too. It is so cliché, but I think it is probably a lot truer than any of us really want to believe.)
Posted By: ciluzen Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 03:01 AM
Hey Ginger,

I think this is the first time I've replied to your posts, so "hi"! Go ahead and get to know the guy better with another date.

I just started OLD in August and was feeling very...powerful? I think that's the word I would use, but also disappointed. I would get giddy with excitement about the possibilities and then end up comparing them to the attractive traits of XH (not so much the bad ones). I like a strong, confident guy that can hold their own with me and I kept smelling weakness under their confident presentation. Thank my over-analyzation of XH for that. So I took a break and set some boundaries ON MY PROFILE. Instead of scaring people off, I attracted a braver, more self-assured group of guys (I seriously thought I'd shot myself in the foot, at first). And after a week of conversation with one, I met him. He seemed great, but no butterflies or love at first sight. There was nothing wrong with him; he was even much better looking than his photos. I think we've all got a few scars on our hearts, so since there were no major red flags, I went on that second date. Again, he was fun to be with and interesting and I had a nice time (awkward attempt to kiss me when I wasn't expecting it not withstanding). But I got to know him better and still am not repulsed, although not feeling butterflies either. I'm remembering my comfort with XH; but I'm also realizing that its part of his job (career) to make people immediately at ease. Sometimes you just need to give someone a longer chance to grow on you and get past those scars, even if they seem to be ahead of you in the attraction (to you) department.

And...its hard not to compare someone to the ideal created by our memories of what was good in other relationships. We just have to remember that those Rs didn't make it. Maybe its time, as MWD says in trying to save our old relationships, to do a 180. Give a different tactic a try.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 06:08 AM
Thank you all for the feedback and for reposting my post, JOb.

I've been thinking about it and I do believe I should give it another try. We have a date next Sunday. He's planned it out and asked me if it is OK if he picks me up and I said it was fine. He's a nice guy. He told me about his 7 year relationship where he never popped the question and got very complacent, which was the end for his live-in GF. He says he makes big notes never to get complacent again and take note of little details. I saw my patients this weekend and brought my chocolate lover 2 chocolate cookies and he asked me how he liked the cookies. I told him, he was a man after my own heart because we both love chocolate. He said "definitely noted. In the past I would have missed that, but you should be expecting chocolates in the future." I believe he really just wants SOMETHING to work out. He is eager. I wish he would have waited to kiss me. But maybe it will get better, who knows. I won't know unless I gave it a chance.

I was shaken by my unconscious reaction with the tears. It wasn't that the sparks weren't flying all over the place, I just don't know why it triggered tears.

I went to lunch with my cousin the next day and she asked me if I was comparing him to my other guys. I said no, I am comparing myself to the way I,MYSELF FELT with these other guys.

As far as why I looked on FB? Because I run as close as I can to an FBI check to these guys, lol. A FB page could say a lot. When you have had a guy convicted of being a sexual predator of sorts ask you out, and you have had an encounter for someone who is on trial for rape (not OLD, but still) You check these guys out! I've got a kid! So, on FB he made posts a lot about looking for HOT chicks and even in person told a story and referenced how "hot" a woman is. I am no feminist, and I am certainly no prude, but it turned me off. He also had a rant on FB about how he was sick of paying for dinners on online dates and he will only leave it drinks or he thinks the woman should be paying half, which I get, because I am sure it gets pricey for these guys. It was his attitude towards it. And he also had some rant on FB about people being late. I arrived at 8:03 and he said "for someone who lives very close, how can you be late?" He said it was a joke, but I know it wasn't.

Don, to speak to what woman might thinking/saying about you after a first date, well, they aren't all going to like the way you kiss or do certain things, and others may love the way you kiss or be totally comfortable with your interactions. I am sure there are guys I have kissed, but didn't like it. We aren't going to be liked by all and what one person adores about you, might drive another person crazy.

So, in a nutshell, everyone of you are right (and hello Ciluzen!). I think if he would have held off on the kiss, I might have not had that reaction. So, on a date we go next sunday. We are going bowling, for drinks, then an early dinner. We shall see how it goes.

Believe it or not, the longer you are alone (been a darn long time for me) the pickier you get, not more desperate. And yes, I am afraid of actually going too long single, because I may need Mr. Perfect to come along to be willing to share my life.
Posted By: Sotto Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 07:05 AM
Hi Ginger, those FB postings are a real red flag I think. If I'm potentially interested in a guy, I like to become his FB friend and I normally have a look at postings going back as it is a good indicator of where someone is at over a goodly period of time. I post very little on my own FB page, and so I am not an open book in the same way.

But a guy who is talking about hot chicks and complaining about buying dinner for someone - not someone I would want to spend time with at all...

JMHO of course, but I have certainly learned some useful things on FB - from anti-Muslim sentiments, to boasting about intimate relations with past GF's, to jibes about mobility scooter users. All illuminating and I head in the other direction if there is some questionable stuff - it has become one of my basic tests...

Hope this helps anyway :-)
Posted By: DonH Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 07:10 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Believe it or not, the longer you are alone (been a darn long time for me) the pickier you get, not more desperate. And yes, I am afraid of actually going too long single, because I may need Mr. Perfect to come along to be willing to share my life.


Truer words have not been spoken. For someone like me who is slow to adapt to change, it's even worse. I can remember after BD, the first time I went grocery shopping by myself was traumatizing. Now having lived by myself for 12 years, wow it would be such a change to even live with someone. I've always been picky - all my life - but even more so now.

Whether to kiss someone on the first date. That can be such a difficult read. The Millionaire Matchmaker from TV says that there should be a kiss on every good first date. She claims that's one of the ways to tell if there is anything there. Hmmmmm is that what happened here? And if you were more into him, and he didn't kiss you, would you now be saying you wished he would have and questioning his level of interest? I'm actually curious why you wished he didn't. Or was it due to your reaction?

Note to everyone else here, see the level of impact pursuit has? Ginger has mentioned several times already that he is trying too hard and wants an R too much. Ginger really does not have to try much. He's already shown he wants her without having to try, and it's a turn-off to Ginger. Desperation is rarely ever a turn on.

Now the Facebook excuse thing, I really do think you are using it as an excuse and here is why. Running him or anyone on your states court database is a good idea but so is meeting in a public place. Do you really need that deep dive into him on a first date meeting in a public place? And if he is on trial for rape is he really going to post it on Facebook? You wanted to cyber stalk him and find out what you could. Let's be highest here. That said, if you are having him pick you up for a date, that's a much better reason for a deeper dive but again Facebook and Twitter only tells part of the story. It's why I'm very very careful about what I post on social media. I rarely post anyhow and never pictures on dates, I'm careful with comments,,etc. very often nothing good comes from posting on social media.

As for looking for "hot chicks," I make comments like that all the time - meant in a total joking manner. I say lots of things meant in a joking manner that may well not get taken that way. I mean nothing bad by it and being "hot" is only a small piece but it's a guy thing. We are not about to say "I'm heading out tonight to find some interesting conversation and intelligent banter with a nice lady" even if that's what I'm looking for.

So you are doing the right thing here giving it another try. It's easy to say not to read too much in and all but as many have said you have to kiss a lot of frogs and this latest guy may be one of them. At least have fun while playing on the lily pads.
Posted By: Coconut Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 09:05 AM
How long ago did his 7 yr R end? As for the looking for hot chicks comments, you didn't give the context but you should be able to discern if it was just joking around with his FB friends or if it was posted out of frustration. Either way I don't think it is a big red flag but could show a certain shallowness to him, because no matter how hot someone is, you get used to them and that physical attraction starts to wein.

Now, me being borderline ADD about my own puctuality (I'm never late to anything, but have worked hard to not always show up way early), I am a bit perplexed about his comment regarding you being 3 minutes late. If you are someone who doesn't worry about being fashionably late, and he is as anal as that comment makes me believe he is, that is something that can cause friction long term. While I don't worry about when other people show up late, my ex never gets anywhere on time which caused me to be late when we were together, it stressed me out every time and was a source of friction with us. I wouldn't say it's a deal breaker, but if you do tend to take your time getting places, I would do that before things get serious and see how he reacts.
Posted By: kml Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 01:14 PM
Quote:
So, on FB he made posts a lot about looking for HOT chicks and even in person told a story and referenced how "hot" a woman is. I am no feminist, and I am certainly no prude, but it turned me off. He also had a rant on FB about how he was sick of paying for dinners on online dates and he will only leave it drinks or he thinks the woman should be paying half, which I get, because I am sure it gets pricey for these guys. It was his attitude towards it. And he also had some rant on FB about people being late. I arrived at 8:03 and he said "for someone who lives very close, how can you be late?" He said it was a joke, but I know it wasn't.


Nope. Not for me. Three red flags. And really, a guy who realizes NOW that he blew it with his live-in girlfriend by not offering a commitment, but whose focus is still on meeting "hot chicks"? Doesn't sound to me like he learned much.

And yes, I agree it's unfair that the financial burden of dating should all fall to men - and it's a good reason to meet for coffee or drinks instead of full dinner - but if a guy is complaining about it it tells me either 1) he's broke or 2) he's cheap.
Posted By: DonH Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 01:55 PM
Originally Posted By: kml
And yes, I agree it's unfair that the financial burden of dating should all fall to men - and it's a good reason to meet for coffee or drinks instead of full dinner - but if a guy is complaining about it it tells me either 1) he's broke or 2) he's cheap.


Or perhaps 3) he's just really as frustrated with OLD as many of the rest of us are, and was mostly just venting to his friends and not thinking through how doing so on Facebook might not be the best place to write these things.

This just more than ever tells me to find out who someone is in person and judge them by how they act, what they say, what they do. If we look to social media to vet our dates we will either not want to date anyone or will find a great writer who makes himself look great on paper but is nothing like the character he is trying to portrait on Fakebook.
Posted By: uRworthy Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/12/18 03:18 PM
I want to tell the other posters to please forgive me as I didnt read the whole thread.

G, I calls it as I sees it..and the truth is..I get it. Not the part where you want to feel the way you did with the other men because I think we feel differently with whomever we are with and depending on the depth of the relationship. I mean the part about needing to feel some kind of attraction.

Can it develop over time? Yea. But I kind of think that your gut tells you a lot.

Having said that..I think you should go out for a second date. Maybe he was nervous. Maybe you weren't really into it. Wouldn't hurt.

But I don't think you are especially particular. There are a lot of men in this world...most of which I would not want a relationship with. I know me. I know what I want and what I don't. It isn't an extremely long list but an important one. And on this..i don't think one should settle.

You know, I think you do get yourself a little in a certain mindset. You are hopeful. I dont think there is anything wrong with that. The problem lies where being hopeful turns into something more.

But you are you...and I dont think you need to change that.

I do think you have to try to stop thinking about those old relationships. That gets you into trouble. You will never have those same exact feelings for someone else because they are unique to you and each of those men.

When I have fallen in love, it didnt feel the same with each.

As far as getting yourself stuck in a certain mindset...I do the same at times. I am there now. And sometimes wallowing a little bit helps me. I'm allowed. I cant always be the strong person who handles everything that is thrown at me. Sometimes I just need to vent and sit in it all for awhile.

As long as I dont live there.

I think for those of us who have had lifetimes filled with one disappointment after another, and having been abandoned at a young age and then again from the most important people in our lives..it leaves you with some issues. I know for me, after a lifetime of struggles and disappointment I do sometimes wait for the other shoe to drop a little more often than I like.

Can you get stuck in a cycle? Ayep. But you recognize you are and that is the important thing.

As someone who knows you in real life...I have seen who you are. What you show here is but a small part of it.

I think if I were to tell you anything it would be this. Live in the moment more. I mean really live in it. Dont look ahead...dont look behind..just live today. See what unfolds.

It's hard to do. I have to try really hard to do it. And I am not successful a lot of the time. But I try...every day.

I always said you are way too hard on yourself. Just look at what you have accomplished...most importantly that wonderful girl of yours.

You are doing great, my friend. Really and truly.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/13/18 04:33 AM
Wow! I've Been taking in all your feedback while drowning in my work. I decided to take a break, have a bite to eat, and reply.

First, I gotta say. No wonder I am single. I am all over the place! I want to date someone, then when I get a chance, I analyze everything.... Seems by all the feedback, some see major red flags, or it's me who is reading too deep. I am either not giving enough of a chance, or too much of a chance. It would be nice to just to meet the one I don't have to question. Ha. See, me being so particular again. But yes, the abandonment has really really gotten to me, finally.

I have made an executive decision. I am going to go to go with the flow. When I really know it's not going to work, I will end it. For now, like UR said, I am going to live in the moment. It's just a second date. I also know my gut has NEVER been wrong. It's always simply been a matter of whether or not I listen to it. I will listen to it, when it is sure.

He's been really super sweet. He is a sweet guy. Maybe trying a bit hard, but I think a little more than just drinks will tell me a lot. He is also very respectful. Especially in regards to my daughter.

C-nut, I am rarely ever late except under extenuating circumstances. Never because I am taking too long to get ready, or something petty. I arrived 3 minutes late on purpose because I did not want to sit alone at the bar of a local pub waiting. I wanted to ensure he was there first.

Sotto, you nailed it. I can see if a guy is a racist, disrespectful overall, simply funny or downright offensive via FB. I don't look for any other reason.

I realize my guard is up more than it has ever ever been. I am in protection mode.

OH. I forgot to tell you. A guy finally went to ask me out kind of like how I would like it to happen. IN the bookstore! Sunday, I decided to stop in the bookstore and I felt this guy following me. He started talking to me. He was going to ask me out when I lied and said something about having a boyfriend. I give him much credit for trying. He was just not my type at all. I guess I got what I asked for, though, lol.

UR, I feel like I am doing the best job at life right now as I can do. I am, I am surviving, but I am oh so tired. I realize D10 does not rely on her dad for anything. I never have, but she is scared to ask him for any of her needs. It's always me. "mom, we gotta go get this, and go do that, and you need to email my teacher, get me more school supplies, new sneakers, new phone case, we need to study for this, and that....." She knows I am the only one who does this stuff. Sure, ex is good for taking her away to his friends house for the weekend. But doesn't handle any of the needs or day to day stuff. D10 AGAIN asked me to please talk to her dad about how mean he talks to D and OWW! I am trying to think of how to approach this (of course, OWW is on her own here) but the examples she gives shows me what an mean, angry, impatient man he still is. Of course I am happy I can be the parent who my daughter knows she can always rely on. But man, I feel like I just can't keep up.

I feel like I have never gotten my man-picker right ONCE. Now my daughter has to suffer for that.

I just wish I was a little bit more settled with a little but more security in my life. It's not the case, so I am just going to take it day by day, moment by moment.
Posted By: job Re: .....and ever and ever and ever - 02/13/18 05:24 AM
Ginger,

Trust your gut and observe the man when you are dating him. Actions always speak louder than words and if you think you like the man, go out on several dates and do different things on the dates.

You have to cut yourself some slack...you've had a lot going on since your divorce and more so in the last year or so. You've been juggling so many balls in the air, that you've not had time to just breathe and sit quietly for a bit.

I know you've got this and URWorthy has given you some golden advice this morning.

When you have a moment, please start a new thread. Spring is around the corner and it's time for new beginnings and what a great time for some new beginnings to take place for you and your daughter.

New Thread:

Spring Cleaning
© DivorceBusting.com