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Posted By: Maybell Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 06/08/17 03:29 AM
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Maybell 40


JujuB, I'm not going to speak for other guys. But My Guy does the work.

I tend to take a scorched earth view of marriage & divorce myself. I don't really understand what could cause a connection to decay so badly that it can't be repaired, barring anything catastrophic like infidelity, abuse, or addiction.

However, in my life I've seen couples where that was just so. My uncle married a woman whose first marriage decayed in that way, in spite of their two kids. They parted very amicably, and then my uncle and his wife have gone on to have a long and very happy marriage. I have friends and a cousin who are very close with the respective exes. It can happen.

I'm only going to speak for myself here, but I think the factors that caused me to stay in (and fight hard for) a marriage that was uneven and shallow, to say the least, are what make it so hard to be OK with people not being willing to accept those qualities in their own life. My sense of commitment is strong. My sense of right and wrong is fairly black & white. My willingness to sacrifice myself for the "greater good" is pronounced. I find it difficult to tolerate people who dont share a lot of those values.

Maybe there are people who lack the ability to tolerate mediocre and rather than let their lives degenerate into something miserable and potentially abusive, they face up to it honestly and do the hard thing of saying "if we can't make it better, let's make it different." And different means splitting up.

Mr. Fantastic never found the courage to tell me what he wanted from life. Instead he drank like crazy, worked away from home as much as he could, avoided engaging unless he knew it would be enjoyable (not merely pleasant), and cheated. If he had been open with me about wanting to be a spoiled college kid, that might have spared me the cheating, etc., but we still would have ended up divorced, because I want none of that in my life. Our values weren't aligned, to a catastrophic degree. Maybe it's possible for a couple to have that kind of misalignment in their relationship, and something like kids are a career or whatever brings that out to a really noticeable degree, and then, instead of acting out and being passive aggressive about it, they do the hard work of disassembling the marriage in the kindest, most honest way they can find.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 06/20/17 11:31 PM
So a friend has been asking me why I'm still angry with Mr. Fantastic (because it bubbles up from time to time, pretty fiercely). Yesterday was his birthday and Sunday Father's Day, so all that mess has been on my mind more than usual. But in the introspection, I think I've come to a conclusion.

He's been with his Fantastic Girlfriend now for two years. She has the same name as me (first AND middle, and my name isn't that common), she's got the same hair color as me, she was the SAHM to FIVE children prior to her divorce (a whole different saga), etc. I'm two years older than Mr. Fantastic, she's six years older than him. I could go on.

So for a long time now I've been thinking, he was perfectly happy with our life, it was just ME that he wanted to be away from. And that there was something really wrong with me, that really he is a perfectly good guy who was just smothered or over-determined or felt mothered or something. And she was an upgrade from me because she's smaller than me and hotter in bed.

During the settlement negotiations Mr. Fantastic objected to how much I relied on the lawyers to sort out all the details. He phoned me and asked, couldn't we do some of this ourselves? I said NO, I DON'T TRUST YOU. He said "I know I lied about some things, but I wouldn't lie about THIS." Fortunately I stood my ground and it definitely worked out better for me than if I'd folded, because he clearly knows how to manipulate me.

I was also thinking about how his dad told him, when he called to say that he was thinking of leaving me, that it was really, really important to be very honest with someone when you ended a marriage. Mr. Fantastic was careful to tell me that he'd said this, as though he'd taken it to heart. So when he actually moved out we had a little separation agreement that said we'd leave our rings on, we wouldn't date other people, we'd go on weekly dates together, etc. I asked for those conditions and he said that it was a really great idea and that we'd definitely do that.

Well, the date nights ended after two weeks, because he was so clearly miserable around me and I was miserable trying to carry the weight of coaxing a smile out of him. It didn't take more than three weeks for me to get outside, unsolicited evidence that Mr. Fantastic had been dating women all over our (little) town, several of them single moms from our kids' elementary school. (The Fantastic Girlfriend is one of these, except that she was most definitely NOT single when they started sleeping together.) One of my friends sent me a screen shot of his Tinder profile. And so forth.

I think up until now I haven't really trusted that he is not a good person. I have been trying to reconcile the fact that I CHOSE to marry him and I CHOSE to make him the father of my children, and I had at least some information to know that he was not up to those roles. But really, although I bear the responsibility for not listening to my gut, and for rushing into marriage without a proper understanding of what it is, the truth is, he chose to be shallow, self-absorbed, deceitful, and conflict-avoidant. If he weren't all those things, he would have communicated if I was in fact being smothering or whatever. And I would have corrected because I do try to not be a jerk.

I could go on, but I think the conclusion I've come to is, it wasn't about me. He and the Fantastic Girlfriend may be their version of happy now (two years in) but he still IS a deceitful, shallow, selfish person. That won't change because that is working for him, by his standards. Thank goodness it doesn't work for me.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 06/21/17 02:04 AM
I don't have much to add....... only I could say some things verbatim that you did.

I KNEW my ex was not good. He has cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had. He has treated everyone like trash. I knew exactly what I was getting into and I got into it anyway being I was going through the most awful time of my life and I grabbed onto anything I can. I continuously live after all of these years of the guilt of knowingly getting into this. I chose to marry him, overlook everything, have a kid with him and I feel guilty all the time.

And I've told others this before, but I live with so much shame in it..... my exH was my friends boyfriend. We were 19, she moved away, he pursued me, my life was falling apart in every way imaginable and I took the bait. That friend was also an OW with his GF before!! Good news is.... we are extremely good friends to this day. She fully forgives me and I am remorseful and ashamed to this day.

I mention that because 1) It highlights how I knew what I was getting into also, 2) I feel like my whole life is karma for what I did.

And my ex is still the same guy only with a different wife too. I think they are their own version of happy. What they have work for them, but it certainly didn't work for us. I thought if I was a certain way, or if I did something different, he wouldn't have looked outside. Boy was I wrong.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 06/21/17 02:05 AM
Your posts are always SO insightful and I appreciate you for that. I have been struggling a bit this week, after seeing a big mushy post on fb about my XH and his new wife celebrating their first anniversary and I have been beating myself up all week about why it bothered me so much. This post really helped me hash it out in my mind and I am very grateful that you posted it when you did. You are wise beyond your years, MB!
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 07/10/17 03:18 PM
Little update because I've had an interesting week or so.

First: My Guy and I went away for a week of vacation (kids were with their dad visiting his family) and had a WONDERFUL time. It was lovely. Kind of like a mini-marriage in some ways. I keep watching for red flags and although he's not perfect, I feel like he really is who he looks like. I'm not ready to move in or get married at this time, but I am very happy with him and I hope we stay that way. I haven't had a relationship like this before and I like it.

Second: Today is the 4th anniversary of D-Day (#1) and... I didn't notice it till the end of the day, when I saw an old Facebook post I wrote that day about running my fastest training run ever, and how proud I was of it. Three hours after that post I learned of Mr. Fantastic's six month affair and I never ran that fast again -- my collapsing marriage was a literal weight on my heart that sometimes made it hard to breathe or walk, let alone run. And yet that year I ran my first ever half-marathon. And now, here I am -- in love with someone who treats me how I've always wanted to be treated, who loves me back, who is becoming a partner in my parenting, who supports me in my (really tough) career, who shares his needs with me -- and I feel so blessed. So often I have looked back at the first half of 2013 and reflected on how the hammer was about to fall on me, remembering the gloss I put on our life in all its chaos during those years, I felt sad for myself and my kids. Today I feel light. Like it was the first day of my real life.

I worry that My Guy and I will break up at some point, that long-term relationships are mostly doomed, that I met him too easily and too promptly and that something will interfere with our permanence. But even if that happens, I still know what a good relationship feels like, and I won't be willing to put up with another Mr Fantastic again.

Third: D14 is on extended vacation and won't be back till the end of the month, so I took her slot with her therapist to talk about how she's doing, how I can support her as she keeps growing out of the chaos and violence that marked her early years, and what our plans are for future treatment. She's doing really well. Our relationship may never look quite like what i envisioned for us but it is becoming something enjoyable and for this I am enormously grateful. (BTW, this is another thing I can credit to My Guy, since he witnessed a lot of her behavior, made some suggestions on what might underlay it, validated my feelings and found the right therapist who is finally actually doing some good after my seeking help for 8 years). It's looking like we're going to keep the therapy going on current plan for the time being, get her a couple of months into high school, and then evaluate if she's ready to drop down to every other week. I don't believe this improvement would have been possible if her dad and I had stayed married. I was seriously concerned about her taking up drugs or alcohol or other self-destructive behaviors before he left. Even when she was little her rages were scary enough to make me fear for her future. I'm starting to feel a lot more confident in her now. I feel like I can finally see her a little more clearly.

I should say a word about my boys, since they seem to get so little press around here. I think the most i can say is that they've both (now 11 and 9) sprouted up in both size and maturity, and it makes me a little sad. They've both got their challenges, but they're pretty much normal growing kid challenges, not as scary (at the moment) as D14's have been. I'm very proud of both of them. They're totally different from each other, and growing more different as they get older but still very close. It's interesting to see how they alternate leadership between themselves, depending on whose strengths are more effective in a given situation. They were always my babies, but they're DEFINITELY not my babies any more. S11 did two consecutive weeks of sleep away camp and then spent a week wth his dad on vacation. Self-sufficiency has been a big struggle for him, so I was glad he had all that time where he had to be a little more responsible for himself. It's a work in progress, for sure, but I can see progress and that's pretty cool. "The Boys" have always been grouped as a pair, and partly because of their close ages, and partly because they are just close friends, aside from school their time has rarely been spent apart. This year they're quite separated, and especially while S11 was away, S9 had to figure out how to keep track of himself and not rely on his big brother to help him out. He's risen to the challenge beautifully, and with a lot of pride. It's fun to see, and I'm looking forward to keeping that up as much as possible so he can blossom into himself. He's a lot of fun to be around and it's been nice to get more one-on-one time with him these last few weeks.

Is there anything else? I still am struggling with my career, and there are lots of days I wish I could just win the lottery and retire, but since I haven't actually bought a ticket yet there must be something I think I can accomplish here that I'm not willing to give up on yet. I will say that in this career you have to have some seriously strong mental health, and perhaps the reason I stick around is that I appreciate how much I've grown in that area in the last year. (Another area where My Guy has been an enormous blessing...)

I think I've rambled on enough. It is tough to see so many people struggling and I wish everyone could get into the light as fully as I feel like I have. Life isn't easy but it is so worth it.
Posted By: Painter Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 07/11/17 01:11 PM
Maybell, so interesting to read your posts. There are a lot of parallels in our lives, and I feel very similarly about my new relationship and job. I don't have young children anymore, but it sounds like you are very connected to yours and see what they need.

I'm happy your life is going so well!
Posted By: mustardseed Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 07/22/17 03:18 AM
I love to hear how far you've come. You seem happy and at peace. I completely relate to the wariness about Rs. I'm dating but I realize I put up a wall that I never used to put up before. I think it will be a while before I'm ready to commit--if that ever happens. But I love hearing that you have found someone that makes you happy. There is a peace in enjoying the R for what it is and not feeling the need for everlasting. If it happens that great, but I don't feel like that would be an end goal for me anymore. Partly because I'm cynical now, and partly because I think that expectation caused me to hang on to something I needed to let go of. Maybe it is healthier to not think of it as forever but just enjoying it for what it is today.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 07/27/17 03:09 PM
Thank you all!

My D14 finally came home today after 4 weeks away visiting family. I had a bit over an hour in the car with her coming home from the airport, where I had her all to myself.

She said she wanted to have a five week vacation next year and I said she could have some vacation but that I also expect her to get a job. There's one lined up and waiting for her, all she has to do is take it. It wouldn't be onerous at all, she just has to commit and do it. She had a fit, but because she was totally exhausted I tabled the conversation for a later time. The interesting part comes next.

She told me that Mr. Fantastic's parents are starting a college fund for all their grandchildren. I said, that's nice, and she said "What's up? You look upset?"

So I told her that I appreciated their generosity a lot and that it would certainly be helpful. But that they were stealing something from her dad and that he would take advantage of it and use it as an excuse to not be responsible for things himself. She and I had a long talk about all the things Mr. F's parents have given him (like furnishing his new $600k house, buying him a car, etc.) and how Mr. F has made choices that are not very mature. I said I felt like his parents were stealing from him the chance to be proud of himself for providing for his family, and that he would be satisfied to let them. I described to her how hard I worked in high school and college to pay for almost all my university by myself, and how nobody could ever take that away from me. That for me it was a source of strength when I was having hard times and that as difficult as it was that I appreciated the strength of character it gave me.

She said, so do you wish that they would do nice things like that but maybe not tell us till it's time to use them? I said yes. I said that sometimes it's also about understanding what your kids need. That Mr. F's siblings probably responded to the news of that gift differently, all from each other, and that it was important to understand your kids so you could do things for them in a way that would help them grow.

She said, So you don't want me to get a job because we're poor. You want me to get a job so I don't grow up entitled? I said yes, that, but also so that you can feel proud of yourself and to give you a sense of accomplishment. And she said, Oh. And then we talked about other stuff, and it was very peaceful.

Moments like that show me I am getting the relationship with my daughter that I want. I don't know if I did right or wrong in what I said. I gave her my honest opinion about what her dad is like. I said that I thought if his character matched his capabilities and his better qualities, that he'd be a phenomenal person, just like what I thought he was while we were still married. (She knows some of what happened to cause the divorce, but doesn't want to talk about it because then she'd have to be mad at him.) I gave him a lot of true compliments while I was telling her what I thought his weaknesses are, too.

Another cool thing about that was that as I was working hard to make sure I gave her a neutral account of what I thought of her grandparents generosity, I realized that I can feel sad about the divorce without feeling a lot of anger or bitterness. Maybe that was just for today, I don't know. But it was nice to be able to remember why I married him in the first place without getting myself all twisted up in why we divorced. Both those things were the right thing to do at the time. That brings a certain amount of peace.

This great conversation with my daughter, who is an insightful person who is turning out to be a pretty good listener, makes me hope that I'm able to have them with my boys at some point too. S11 in particular I'd like to start fostering that sort of honesty and openness with. Just a little at a time, of course, but I feel like he has less understanding than his sister for what happened, and I'd like him to have more clarity. It might help him with some things I think I struggle with. S9 doesn't understand anything at all, so far as I know. He was barely 6 when his dad moved out and he never asked any questions about it. I'm not sure how it will manifest when he does. I'd like him to be mentally prepared for the answers when he wants them.

One last thing... D14 told me she asked her dad while they were away if he was planning on marrying his Fantastic Girlfriend, as they've been dating for two years now. He totally blew up at her. Told her she was rude and it was a totally inappropriate question to ask and she should never ask that question. The thing that's funny about that is that she told me that had happened after I spoke to her about some long-term goals I have around our family, and some thoughts I had about including My Guy in them. I mentioned that I might like to marry him someday, but that I wasn't ready to yet. She thought the contrast was interesting. I feel like it's important to share these things with my kids so they have some frame of reference for the thinking that goes into making commitments when they're older.

I don't know if I do right or not when I have these conversations with my kids, but I feel so much better when I'm keeping them in the loop. In the last few months I've told them a lot of the family histories around Mr. Fantastic's side of the family, including their grandparents and great-grandparents. They listen very attentively when I do and say "Dad never tells us this kind of stuff." I spent a lot of years listening carefully and fostering those relationships. I may not have been enormously successful in making a deep impact on his family, but at least I've got stuff to share with my kids so they understand what their roots look like. As much as we've moved around all over the country and as far as we live from them, I feel like that's really important for them.

My kids have entered a fascinating stage of life that's really fun and slightly hair-raising to be part of. S11 grew so much in the last month that when D14 came home she said "Holy smokes, you're HUGE!" They are engaging in the world so differently all of a sudden. I've been making a huge point this summer of coaching them into being significantly more self-sufficient and it's fun to see them rise to the challenge. I'm so curious what the coming school year will bring.

Finally, I had a bit of an epiphany this week about My Guy. He's been away this week dealing with some family issues and his illness. We've been communicating as much as possible but I was away for a conference this week so it wasn't as much as either of us would have liked. And somehow I had this moment where I realized: He's pretty much in. He's not going anywhere. He's confiding in me and making suggestions and in other ways he's really HERE. I think it's probably OK if I relax into it. I don't see any red flags.

But also, while I was at my conference, I heard a speaker who was talking about his dad and how tough he was, and also how awesome, how much he loved him, stuff like that. Then at the end he said, that wasn't my biological dad. My biological dad wanted me to be an abortion and abandoned me and my mom when I was one year old. My Dad married my mom when I was about five. And I remember him sitting down with me and telling me he was going to marry my mom, and he said, and I'm going to be your dad and I'm going to love you as my own. And he always did. The speaker said, He was tough sometimes, and he could be hard to live with, but he always loved me and he was always there for me.

Hearing that story somehow restored my faith that people can act from goodness and not out of some kind of hidden agenda. Also, it's ok if they're not perfect. That my kids and I are lovable to someone who didn't create our family even if the person who did doesn't find us lovable. My relationship with My Guy actually has deepened with time, noticeably; I don't think that's something that can be faked when I'm watching it this closely. I think it's going to be OK. It will be interesting to see what happens next.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 08/04/17 10:41 PM
I'm just going to throw this out there so I can get it out of my head...

My D14 has been working hard on her relationship with her dad. Everything he has going on she works to make herself part of it. (Totally different from my sons, who are oblivious).

A couple of days ago she gave me an ENORMOUS gift when she made up a meal plan for the week, prepared the grocery list to go with it, and figured out the time when she and I would go together to accomplish it. I was SO grateful. As we were in the grocery store she picked something up, read the nutritional label, and commented "Dad should get this. He's been trying to gain weight lately." I said, "Oh, really?" She asked didn't I notice how skinny he's gotten. He was always a skinny guy -- really skinny, and I don't look at him almost at all any more as part of my gray rock strategy. But then last night she showed me a picture of him from around the time of BD and yes, compared to now he has clearly lost a ton of weight.

My mind goes to wondering, why would that be? In all the time we were married, he never put on more than about an inch around his waist line (from age 23 to age 39). He never lost a whole lot of weight either -- a little during the divorce, but not 30 pounds like me. Now, though, my D is right, he's looking gaunt. Is he sick? Is he suffering because he's not taking care of himself as well as I took care of him? Is he doing drugs?

The other thing is that about a year and a half ago he bought an incredibly expensive house in our little town. It's gigantic. So gigantic that he has a tenant in an apartment or guest house on the property, and converted part of the house into an apartment that he rented to his admin assistant. I'm not sure he can afford the house without the tenants. Well, his admin assistant moved out, and my D has announced that he's turning the apartment into an AirBnB.

The first part of me is immediately concerned about the safety of my children. The apartment can be accessed by an interior door from my sons' bedroom. It has its own exterior entrance but it is still a single family home and Mr. Fantastic did not upgrade the door or wall it off from the corridors that leads to the apartment. My older son has already told me how uncomfortable he felt knowing the full-time tenant was right there on the other side of that door. How much worse will it be with a parade of strangers over there?

The second thing that comes to mind is... What a stupid life Mr. F has set up for himself. Grown-ups in his position (he's an executive) don't live with an AirBnB in their primary residence. Grown-ups don't let out part of their house in order to be able to afford to live in it. Grown-ups don't need their parents to buy their furniture for them. Grown-ups don't need to delegate the job of setting the apartment up to their 14yo children. (My D was asking My Guy what it would take to cut out a pass-through from the kitchenette into the living room, among other things).

I will say, this experiment has been very enlightening for my D, since she's been put in charge of arranging the apartment she's been making lists of everything the place needs, from kitchen equipment to linens to rugs, and has come to realize how much money it takes to set up a household. So in that sense it's been good for her, but in every other way, it's not the safest thing he could do to my children's part-time residence.

I used to have a huge respect for Mr. Fantastic. With all the difficulties of relating to him, I was always confident that he would take good care of us and make good decisions on our behalf. But now that I see what he does for himself, I have to say, we were not in good hands. I'm not perfect, but holy smokes! He doesn't think things through at all.

WRT the weight loss thing... there is a part of me that wants to think, all smug, you didn't have health problems when I was taking care of you... But I'm trying not to, because it doesn't matter anymore.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 08/04/17 10:44 PM
Oh, he also rents out his basement to the band his boss is in for rehearsal space. When the band is over practicing my kids aren't allowed to make any noise so they don't disturb the band. I could go on, but...
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 08/05/17 02:14 AM
My ex has always been a thin guy too. He works out, lifts weights, but he has a small frame. He's about 5'7'. He was sually somewhere around 165-170lbs. Well, I will never forget when he was dropping the bomb on me, he wouldn't come out and say it and I thought he was telling me had cancer because he had gotten so thin. He was down to 153lbs. Well, I realized later it was probably a mix of guilt, depression and anxiety due to his affair.

Your ex is probably not doing drugs but is probably pretty depressed. And lonely. Which is why he making his home an AirBNB. To have people around.

Hopefully your kids can talk to him telling him that they feel uncomfortable in this situation.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 08/12/17 01:19 AM
My kids are going back to school in three weeks and I'm feeling completely panicked and overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm ever going to get everything set up for us to have a smooth school year. I want to throw up.

On top of that, I'm facing the possibility of losing my contract at the end of the year if I don't meet my minimums which I'm not on track to do. To try to prevent that I'm frantically trying to increase my activity to save my contract... but every time I have a win, it freaks me out that I've created a client and made promises to that client about ongoing service that I won't be able to keep.

This is not a recipe for a calm and happy Maybell.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 08/14/17 03:11 AM
That all just sounds odd to me. I'm with you....what adult wants to live in a house where you have to rent out part of your space. Granted, I live in a small house (about 1000 square feet) and it is just me and the dog, so I definitely wouldn't want to rent space out. And, I don't want to live in a house that is so big that I HAVE to rent space out to afford it. I'm too old for "roommates". LOL
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 09/10/17 02:40 PM
Taking a few minutes out from exam prep to post a little update.

Had a very rocky week with Mr. Fantastic. He casually announced that he was changing the kid schedule for this coming week, and when I protested he "offered" to revisit the whole agreement, told me he was "being nice" keeping the kids during the week because "he didn't have to" and when I said yes he did, he said "No. It's *not* in the agreement. READ IT." And stormed out. I sent him a text telling him that I accommodate his every request and there was no reason to treat me like that and he sent me a LOOOONG angry text back accusing me of bullying him and being aggressive and everything else ugly. Apparently I'm a bitter old b!tch.

I'll admit, it really rattled me for a day or two. The whole thing was just so venomous. The only thing I've done to make him loathe me so much is fight for a fair settlement for me and the kids. Considering that he has not paid for any medical costs outside of what the insurance covers, including a pretty substantial therapy bill for my D14 (and he wont' even help me get that through insurance, in spite of my requests), and he pays for very little else for them, I don't know what he would prefer I pay for.

That's neither here nor there. It just upsets me that he treated me so awfully and yet he's the one who is so venomous to me.

Then another day my daughter showed him that I still have all the old CDs he left behind and he was on the point of taking them when I said "This is MY house." He said "Do you even listen to these?" And I just looked at him. That's not my business. He had plenty of opportunity to take stuff out of the house before we sold the marital home.

In that same conversation, he adjusted his clothing in a way that I could see his jeans were sagging around his hips a little (a lot), and.... apparently he's stopped wearing underwear. Which kind of just seals the deal for me that at some point in the past he made a decision to become a person who I would find repulsive. I'm sure he didn't consciously decide to become repulsive to me personally, but the road he's decided to travel gets him there. That gives me some peace. I couldn't have tanked a marriage where our values were so far apart from each other.

No offense to any of my friends who like to go commando, it just is something I don't want to be intimate with. Or really, modeled to my kids. Though I don't get a say in that.

At a party last night I was talking to a couple of D14's friends' moms, and there was some concern about the amount of oversight he provides when the kids are at his house.

Then last night, during a really delightful weekend with My Guy, I dreamed that Mr. Fantastic was sitting in his living room feeling really sad because of how horrible our relationship has become. That was all it was, but just incredibly vivid, and when I woke up I felt a little bit of peace. (Didn't tell the dream to My Guy, of course.) Like, MAYBE he does have a sense of what he's ruined.

But this evening when he dropped the kids off he was grim to me and I was to him too. If I could just erase him from my life I so would.

**. ***. ***

I have noticed in myself a fear of calm. Like I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have something to be anxious over. It's difficult for me to rest in contentment, as much as I'd like to. If anyone can suggest how to learn that I'm open to learning more.
Posted By: focus22 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 09/10/17 07:14 PM
Geesh, that sounds awful Maybell.

I can't really say anything constructive about the children/co-parenting side of things (not having children), but I can try and help on the 'fear of calm' side of things?

You've been through an absolute rollercoaster ride of emotion with everything that's happened since the summer of 2013. It's been a super adrenaline-fuelled few years. That adrenaline has helped you get through it, to this point. It's given you a huge amount of energy. And it's a great feeling, having the energy and the drive to take on a difficult and stressful situation.

The flip side of the adrenaline high is a very deep low. We can't sustain that level of energy and just carry on regardless. The toll it takes on our body is quite high (and obviously your state of mind is intrinsically linked to what's happening in your physical self).

So my guess is that most people would do anything to get out of that low, and the easiest way would be to seek out another adrenaline fuelled situation. And so the roller coaster starts again. After such a long time, it also becomes a way of life for a lot of people.

The fear of calm that you talk about might be a fear of losing the tremendous highs of the adrenaline rush?

Nonetheless, how to learn to rest in contentment? I found meditation an incredibly powerful tool. I don't know if you've ever tried it? There are loads of different kinds, serving different purposes, but I found a type called 'Loving Kindness' particularly beneficial for me. If you look up 'Loving Kindness Meditation' on YouTube you'll find loads of free guided meditations. I just look for one that is about the length of time I want to dedicate to it, and one that I like the voice of the person that's doing the talking.

I've also found physical exercise to be incredibly beneficial. All that adrenaline has somewhere to **go** once you start running/any cardio/any exercise that raises your heartbeat.

I remember reading a study of the groups of performers that suffered most and least from stage fright. They studied musicians, actors and dancers. Guess what? Those groups that moved least (musicians) suffered the most from stage fright, and those that moved most (dancers) suffered the least from stage fright. All that adrenaline in the dancer's bodies had somewhere to **go** once they got on stage and started moving around.

I've found that these two things have evened things out for me **a lot**. Even if I only feel a couple of moments of contentment in one day at times that things are particularly bad, that's enough for me. I've got to that place, so I know I can get back. I just need to keep working on it.

Hope that helps x
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 09/11/17 02:07 PM
Focus, thank you. I couldn't sleep at 4:00 am and I came here saw your post, and went straight to YouTube to find the meditations. The first one I was able to feel how tense I was and as I relaxed I could feel a huge throbbing weight in my chest. It must have been there for weeks and I've just been carrying it around all tense all that time.

Eventually I calmed down and fell sort of back to sleep. I feel much better today and I even passed my exam! That's been a nine-month monkey on my back, so relieved to have it over with. I'll be returning to those meditations regularly.

D14 is having a hard time with the first week of school. It's a much, much heavier weight than she's accustomed to and tonight she had a breakdown. I suggested the meditations to her though I don't have a lot of confidence that she'll follow up any time soon - most likely as a last resort around midterm season. For tonight, she had sparring practice at karate and enjoyed getting a good compliment from a teenaged BOY... And her closest cousin is DATING a boy they met at camp this summer... I'm bracing myself, not ready at all for these kids to grow up. At least S9 still lets me hold his hand and tuck him in. For now.

One of my friends invited me to start back morning runs with her this week and I was excited at the good timing. We go at o-dark-thirty so I don't like to morning run by myself. It will feel good to move again.

Thanks for the help!!
Posted By: focus22 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 09/11/17 05:50 PM
Oh my goodness Maybell, it's incredible to read your post...wow!!

I'm really enjoying my running. I started earlier in the year. I still can't run very far or very fast, but the other day I managed 8k (3k in the morning and 5k in the evening, jogging one minute, walking 25/30 seconds). Without stopping, I can run a mile (1.6k). This from someone who couldn't even run for the bus last year.

*Very* occasionally it feels really good as I'm doing it, and very occasionally it feels like the biggest effort known to man. Most of the time it feels like a lot of hard work and very repetitive.

I'm not sure, but I have a feeling that your D might benefit a lot from you doing the meditations. There's nothing more wonderful than being in the presence of someone who is very grounded and present when you are going through some sort of turmoil, someone who feels very solid and strong.

But I'm always glad I've done it, and I *always* feel better for doing it. It's a good training for your mind too. Whenever I feel bit rubbish about a situation I'm in, something that someone (STBXH etc) has said or done, or a mood I'm in, I'll put everything on hold and go for a run (even just a 10 or 20 minute one). That changes everything.

I have a free app on my phone that I track my runs on, and I can see my times improving and my distances getting longer even when it just feels like plain old hard work most of the time. If you've not got one, I can totally recommend it. I have a Windows phone and use Runners+
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 09/13/17 10:33 AM
With my friend I just run and because we talk so much it ends up being a run/walk. When I'm by myself I use one of the Couch to __ apps to time the run/walk intervals.

This morning I was thinking how good it felt just to get out. The run was good because I had a chance to really catch up with someone who had a very rough summer and who I care about, but I felt good when I got home too.

I've realized lately that I need to live my life with a lot more intentionality if I want work/life balance, so this morning after my run I thought about scheduling one solo run a week, on weekends, one cross-training day at the gym I belong to, and one yoga class per week (also at the gym I belong to). If I put all that on my work calendar it is more likely to happen. Also I really want to run another half-marathon, and it happens there's a good one in my town every May. So that gives me a date to prep towards as well. Odds are high I'll be able to find a partner which also helps with balance. So I may be able to take control of that part of my life pretty soon.

Not much else to report, but I'm working out how to be happy and I think that's a long-overdue next step.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 10/02/17 01:47 AM
Mr. Fantastic is going off the rails and has disappeared to another state. It is unclear when he will be back. he's taken leave from work and is "rethinking everything about his career" which scares the daylights out of me. He has diagnosed himself as autistic (he's NOT) and asked me to attend counseling with him. He took my D14 on an 8 mile hike yesterday to share all this with her, but totally blew off our sons, who didn't even know he'd left town till I told them this morning. (They're supposed to spend tomorrow night and the coming weekend with him).

I am suddenly very unclear what the future holds for me. WHY WHY WHY did I think it was a good idea to marry this wing nut?? WHY did I think it was a good idea to be a SAHM?????

I am grateful for My Guy who has stepped up to the plate beautifully. I'm also a little frustrated with myself that I'm not more capable of managing all this by myself. I'm 45 years old and highly educated. I should be self-sufficient.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 10/02/17 03:21 AM
Hi maybell

I don't know your entire history. But just reading your last post says so much about many of these walkaways. There is just something deeper going on within them and eventually they seem to crack. We come on here thinking its about us, and it usually isn't. Sadly it seems to take years for it to reveal itself (I know your way past that though)

Sorry you are going through this. I regret what a F up my ex is as well. Especially when I compare him to other dads and other families that do not have the same struggles. I try to remind myself that most people have some sort of struggle though and all we can do is play the hand we are dealt.

BTW There is also a great guided meditation app you can get called calm.com. I love how its organized and They have lots of stuff on there for kids, even little ones. My therapist recommended it to me.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 10/02/17 04:21 AM
((((Maybell))))

You know, what Juju said really makes sense, that we come here thinking things are about us and they really aren't and it sometimes takes a long time for that to become evident (of course I'm paraphrasing, so forgive me Juju, but I just found what you said helpful).

Anyway, I think you are doing an awesome job, especially considering the circumstances. I think that you are handling things a lot better than you think you are. From this side, you look very put together and in control. Don't be so hard on yourself. I can assure you, some days, self-sufficiency is WAY over-rated.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 10/02/17 04:28 AM
I am sorry for all the crap you are dealing with with your ex.

But you are a completely self-sufficient woman. Just because we have someone in our lives willing to help and we chose to accept it, doesn't make you any less self-sufficient. It makes you smart to utilize your resources.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 10/02/17 11:21 AM
So he's thinking of taking off 5-6 months to hike the wilderness (in spite of having ZERO experience doing such a thing).

Declines to communicate with me directly because I "terrify" him.

I guess I can't take his mental health for granted anymore.

I'm pretty anxious.
Posted By: kml Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 10/02/17 12:35 PM
Quote:
He has diagnosed himself as autistic (he's NOT) and asked me to attend counseling with him.


You know, don't dismiss the idea too quickly. It's possible to be very mildly on the spectrum (what was referred to in the past as Asperger's) and still have it affect your life.

My oldest son has mild Asperger's and wasn't diagnosed until college. He's very extroverted and so not what you would typically picture as someone on the spectrum. But he misses social clues, talks too loud/ too long/ too obsessively, has severe anxiety, and his work options are limited by his social skills (he should have become a computer programmer where he could blend right in, but he was never that interested).

Anyway - my point is, mild Asperger's can be trickier to diagnose than you think, so I would at least take a look at it and consider a counseling appointment with him, just to hear what his therapist has to say about it.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 10/02/17 02:48 PM
Tonight he went into total rage mode. I will not be going to counseling with him. He basically said I'm not the boss of him anymore and a lot of other things that were hostile and irrational.

I am so sad that this guy that I married for his charm and his bright smile and his wit has decided to become such a train wreck. It didn't have to be like this. And apparently I'm the reason for all his troubles.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 10/02/17 02:55 PM
Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
He has diagnosed himself as autistic (he's NOT) and asked me to attend counseling with him.


You know, don't dismiss the idea too quickly. It's possible to be very mildly on the spectrum (what was referred to in the past as Asperger's) and still have it affect your life.

My oldest son has mild Asperger's and wasn't diagnosed until college. He's very extroverted and so not what you would typically picture as someone on the spectrum. But he misses social clues, talks too loud/ too long/ too obsessively, has severe anxiety, and his work options are limited by his social skills (he should have become a computer programmer where he could blend right in, but he was never that interested).

Anyway - my point is, mild Asperger's can be trickier to diagnose than you think, so I would at least take a look at it and consider a counseling appointment with him, just to hear what his therapist has to say about it.


He never had trouble making friends the first ten years we were married. He has held great jobs and risen high in a career that requires him to be savvy to social cues. He has no particular quirks or tics. He *was* raised in a high stress household. His father and grandmother both suffer from anxiety and alcohol dependency and I believe Mr. F does too. He is conflict avoidant and because of that is a tremendous liar and manipulator.

I see no value to attending counseling with him after the way he has treated me.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 10/11/17 10:39 PM
Is it possible to do this working mom thing with a demanding job? My Guy takes up a lot of time and things around the house are falling apart a bit. I am exhausted. I recommitted to the job after having resolved to quit. He is not happy about that decision which makes me feel a little defiant. But after a rough night last night I'm so tired I just wonder, is it worth it?

As an aside, Mr. Fantastic is moving his GF and her three younger children into his house. I have to be the sane stable parent -- they're boy cheaters and she just lost a child to drug addiction a few weeks ago. Mr. Fantastic list his $h!7 last week, went off the rails, disappeared to another state, and then turned up as though none of it ever happened. He asked me to sit down and talk to him, which I ageeed to, but he never followed up with an actual meeting time, so I guess he changed his mind or wasn't serious about it or something. I am so worried about how he's showing up to the kids, especially since he made my D14 his confidante in all that.

Just venting/journaling. I'm exhausted.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 10/30/17 12:13 PM
Fabulous Mr. Fantastic wants to revisit the custody arrangement to give him “something more balanced.” He’s such a stand-up guy he can’t even commit to a separation agreement.

Kicking myself for having married him. I hope this turns out to be a lot of smoke and no fire.
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 11/27/17 10:18 AM
Maybell

Rainbow hugs, Mr F seems like he is decompensating or that process may be starting.

The Giggalo has done the same.

Of course it's your fault, all of it, for ever. Except of course it's not.

You have lovely and delightful children so no kicking allowed.

V
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 11/29/17 11:37 PM
Mr. Fantastic wanted to meet for coffee yesterday afternoon to talk about the custody schedule. He asked for every other week. I asked how that was supposed to work with his travel schedule and he said that “this is the last job like this I want to have” and that he was winding down his travel obligation. We argued about how much he has participated in parenting the children up to now and money came up several times. At one point he even said “You can’t possibly need $xxxx to support the children.” Claimed to not have enough money to get the boys a haircut after I observed he had never even done that much for them, but he has enough to buy a house that costs almost double mine, and to take his girlfriend to NYC, etc.

I suspect that I will be fighting him about money, or his smokescreen efforts to get out of paying me support, for the rest of the time that the kids are home with me. I feel ashamed of having made choices that makes this part of my child-raising experience, and of my kids’ childhood, though I really hope they aren’t able to detect that element of their dad’s awesomeness.

I note that he probably is doing nothing to provide for their college. Since, you know, haircuts are beyond reach (but a $600k house isn’t).

In other news, the kids and I had a great time with My Guy over Thanksgiving. I hope I am not misjudging him too.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 11/30/17 04:16 AM
Hi maybell

My ex constantly throws in little comments about how he works because he has to pay me. Mind you, he pays the absolute bare minimum any court would enforce... there is just no ratiinalizing it to them. There is just sonething about their brains that makes them unable to see past what they want. I really dont get their logic or the way they rationalize. I know i get caught on trying to understand them too much, but its almost like making sense of and trying to reason with a serial killer.

I feel very scared about my ability to judge someone as well based on this experience. I dont trust my judgement. I really thought i was rational with my choice in husbands at the btime, but looking back i didnt recognize some really important things. So i worry about not recognizing other signs in the new guy that i am dating because i have never been exposed to them. Or perhaps in
Becoming so enamored with new positives i have never encountered that i ignore the red flags. Its all a risk. Some gut and instinct. MWD's book says that we have powwr in changing the bad dynamics of a relationship. Would those tools t have made a difference with our old relationships? Or perhaps assist us with the new ones?

You mentioned your ex's live in girlfriend just lost her son? That is horrifying. Perhaps this is making him reevaluate his relationship with his children?
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 12/04/17 03:53 PM
I had my conversation with Mr. Fantastic. He’s lost a TON of weight and didn’t have it to lose in the first place. His face looks like Skeletor. (Remember him??)

He wants to quit his job and I think the changing of the schedule is a precursor to asking to readdress the support question. I said if he really was sincere about wanting to be more of a parent that I would be more willing to entertain a change if he started participating in the kids’ lives a little more, like responding to teacher emails from time to time, or addressing their issues with ideas of his own rather than just rubber stamping everything I say. A few weeks ago S11 brought home a HORRENDOUS report card and before showing it to me he showed it to his dad, who just said, “I’m going to let Mom deal with this.” Similarly, S9 got into trouble at school not too long ago and when I reported it to Mr. Fantastic he just said “I’ll go along with whatever you decide to do on that.” (Note that my boys are not struggling... they’re just going through some fairly normal childhood challenges. They still need a Dad with an opinion, though.)

Well Mr. Fantastic didn’t like the idea of my setting conditions to the conversation and said he didn’t think it was appropriate that he should have to ask me permission to spend time with his own kids, etc. I raised the question of his travel and he said that if there was ever a time when he had to travel that I wasn’t willing or able to take the kids, that he’d just leave them with his girlfriend. The one who lost her son 10 weeks ago. Honestly, I don’t know how she still gets up in the morning but she seems to be carrying on fairly normally.

He’s been taking my D14 out and sharing all his life concerns, etc., with her, and she has started calling him by his first name. As though they’re peers. She seems flattered at all the attention he’s giving her. He’s neglecting the boys a lot, by my standards... several times has invited her out to go on day-long hikes with him (on my weekends), but leaves the boys behind.

The reason I’m posting about all this, though, is that my reaction to spending an hour one-on-one with him was HORRIBLE. I despise him but my day-to-day is calm and generally happy. Being around him made me FURIOUS. Volcanically furious. Every unresolved thing, you know all the lies and decisions that he made to devalue and discard me, all erupted into HOW DARE YOU and how dare you ask me to surrender one minute with my children to someone like you. It was awful and made me wonder if I shouldn’t get a therapist of my own. I can’t be around him again for a long, long time. I was surprised at it and at my gigantic flaming desire to out him to every single person who knows him. That is not in my interest but it infuriates me that he should get away with having treated me and the kids as he did, and then expect that I would not be angry with him. He even had the audacity to tell me that I should leave the anger and bitterness behind because I’d be happier.

I’d be happier punching his face in.

That’s not a very meh place to be and I’d prefer to be meh about him. But he’s threatening the part of my life is that is most precious to me and I’m not going to be meh about that, as much as I’d like.

Sorry for the rambling. But if someone can please tell me how to wipe him off the bottom of my shoe and carry on with my zen intact, I’d appreciate it.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 12/05/17 01:32 AM
So sorry for your interaction with Mr. F. If you figure out that part about wiping him off your shoe, let me know....I could use that myself.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 01/11/18 12:20 PM
Win for the day: Had a big school conference for S11 today. Mr. Fantastic was present and I was able to be very business-like with him and focused on S11.

Work is going better. My Guy is his normal lovely self. D14 is human!! S9 is fine.

I am happy to be getting less triggered by Mr. Fantastic. The more I see of him the more I wonder what I ever saw in him. We don’t match AT ALL. In other news, his girlfriend is moving out. I find that interesting.

All is well and getting better all the time. I follow people here but don’t often comment. So happy new year, friends, and I hope 2018 is wonderful for you!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 01/15/18 02:48 AM
Happy 2018 to you, Maybell. Hope it is a wonderful year for you and yours.
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 07/13/18 11:14 AM
Hello, All. It’s been a while.

I’ve quit the high stress job and am looking for something new. I have great confidence I will find something I enjoy that doesn’t try to kill me.

My Guy is still great. We hit a few bumps but have navigated those all right.

The kids are well. D15 (already!) has a job and is supposedly taking up cross country, though we’ll see if that lasts. S12 had a HORRIFIC first year of middle school, so my biggest project for the summer, besides finding a job, is helping him prepare for 7th grade so it goes more smoothly. I had the pleasure of having S10 to myself for the last four days, and he is so sweet and fun, I hope I get it again sometime soon. This coming week S10 and D15 will be at sleep away camp so I will have S12 to myself and I’m thinking of ways to make it as enjoyable as this week with S10 was.

Mr. Fantastic has changed from wanting something “more balanced” to wanting to be able to change the calendar so that he can spend one week a month with the kids, with both his weekends back to back, and then I get the kids the other three weeks, and he just visits them on Tuesdays if he’s in town. He wants to be able to go live with his parents in another state (for the whole week, with travel on the weekends on either side) if he chooses.

I am not in favor of this change and it clearly is very inconsiderate of me, but when he asked for this adjustment the last time and I said no, he completely blasted me as being unforgiving and obstructionist. He called me “The Parent of No.” I don’t like being put in the position of having to constantly say no to him and then take that kind of abuse. Now I’m going to have to do it again, only he’s upped the ante by saying his dad has visibly aged (so have my parents; our parents are the same age) and he wants to “repair his relationship” with them before it’s too late. Meanwhile, he’s leaving Monday for a two week trip to Ireland to go on a hike. While he’s gone, he will be out of contact with everyone, because where he’s going he’ll have limited power/cell service/ Wi-Fi access.

The five year anniversary of DDay #1 was this past Tuesday. I used that day to reflect on where I’ve come from and where I’m going and I noted that I’m really happy with the changes that have happened in my life. I still have a lot of concerns around the kids, money, my future, etc., but all in all I’m better off and much richer personally than I would have been if I’d stayed with Mr. Fantastic. I like who I am within my relationship with My Guy, and I have confidence that my kids are ok, and that their relationship with me is getting better everyday.
Posted By: DonH Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 07/13/18 10:40 PM
It's so great to read an update from you Maybell! Sounds all or at least mostly like good stuff. Your first comment did hit me though:

Originally Posted by Maybell
I’ve quit the high stress job and am looking for something new. I have great confidence I will find something I enjoy that doesn’t try to kill me.


It's just usually best to find a new job first AND THEN quit the one you are in. Or was that not really an option? On the plus side, we are in somewhat historic territory with the jobless rate being so low. It seems like nearly everyone is screaming for high quality employees so pretty much anyone who wants a job these days can get a job. That darn Trump and the Republicans - Sorry, I just cannot stop myself sometimes. smile

It really amazes me how many fathers I see (sadly I see this much more from fathers than mothers) who don't really want to take the time to see their kids - almost like it's an obligation. String together an entire 8 days and then have the other 22 or 23 off. How is that in the best interest of the kids? How is that in the best interest of you? Maybe that's what you should ask him???? He wants to call you the parent of no. He seems like the parent of what's ever best for me. He really wants his kids to go without seeing him for three weeks? Really????? Hopefully you can somehow bring this into the discussion, though I don't think he wants to really deal with common sense - only nonsense.

Interesting how you still remember and even take time to reflect on the bomb drop or DDay. I think that's normal and certainly nothing wrong with it whatsoever. It just caught me because with the message board update earlier this week, I took that opportunity to update my signature info. I noticed that my bomb drop and D filing day anniversary had recently passed. I had no clue. I don't even think of it anymore. Now, it's been well over 10 years for me. I think we have now been apart longer than we were together. It's so far in my rear-view mirror that I just never think of it. I have little doubt that will be you when you are into the double digits as well.

So glad you are doing so well. There are so many others who have struggled so much more and continue to struggle. I know it's not been all smooth for you either, it never is, but in general you are really, really doing well!
Posted By: Maybell Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 07/15/18 10:31 PM
Don, I was in a commission only job that was costing me upwards of $3500/month and I hadn’t been paid in four months. Summer was coming and the childcare was going to cost me an extra $1500-$2000/month. I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck — quitting was an intelligent move. If I’d had an actual salary I would have looked for a job first. I learned a ton in that role but it did not offer me good long-term potential and had a lot of short term potential for catastrophe. As it is, I will be recovering financially from the last six months I was there for 6-8 months, depending on what I find next and how thrifty I’m able to be.

I was married a lot longer than you and was divorced a lot more recently. There are LOTS of milestones in the destruction of my marriage, but I choose to focus on that one because a specific kind of growth began on that date and I think it’s important to keep track of it. I didn’t feel a lot of emotion around it, but it’s important to know how far I’ve come, and to evaluate if I’ve achieved everything I wanted to since that date. I realize I’m very blessed. I came back to update, not complain.
Posted By: DonH Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 07/15/18 10:49 PM
Wow, so you really were working for free then. Clearly there was potential to earn but you were basically working without getting paid. Yeah, that's kind of a no brainer to walk away from.

I was not at all questioning you marking the milestone. I was really more surprised at me not even noticing anymore. That's the point I was trying to make. I still think you are doing well - perhaps the job aside.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 07/16/18 02:11 PM
Thanks for the update, Maybell! Sounds like things are going pretty well for you. So glad to "hear" that.
Posted By: Mozza Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues - 07/17/18 03:39 AM
Thanks for the update Maybell! There must have been something in the air because I also decided to come for a quick tour this week and I was pleased to know what's up with you. Making smart choices, as ever. I'm happy for you.
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