New thread time, I guess!
Guys, keep hijacking, I am thoroughly enjoying the conversation. I don't know how to do this stuff so it's good discussion!
Doodler, I do understand the feeling of not wanting to put in the effort. Sometimes the thought of giving up my Chinese food and Netflix in PJ's night makes me sad. I like those nights. But I would also like to share them with someone. But naughty for cancelling such a big thing last minute! I see it 2 ways, either you really do want to date, but the effort can be overwhelming, or you aren't into it. If you aren't into it, put it on the burner, but don't tease the women with the possibility of Doodler love. That's just cruel!
Rosalinda and UR,
Thank you. I am doing this completely different than in the past. I have no clue if it's going to go anywhere, so I am just enjoying the moment. I don't need to even think about that right now. I like the "dating" aspect. I feel like I kind of skipped over that in the past. I am going to trust my gut. I can't explain his personality, it is quite cute and funny, and I did come to realize he was just being himself. He jokes about this stuff and that's just what he does. I respect that he isn't afraid to be who he is, but realizes that if I am not comfortable with something, he'll watch it.
Every guy I date gives me the "you are so different from the rest speech" which is flattering at first, but when push comes to shove, they bail. I got the "you are so different" speech and I did say in my head "here we go again!" but I am not even going to look that far.
Time to enjoy.
Doodler, I do understand the feeling of not wanting to put in the effort. Sometimes the thought of giving up my Chinese food and Netflix in PJ's night makes me sad. I like those nights. But I would also like to share them with someone. But naughty for cancelling such a big thing last minute! I see it 2 ways, either you really do want to date, but the effort can be overwhelming, or you aren't into it. If you aren't into it, put it on the burner, but don't tease the women with the possibility of Doodler love. That's just cruel!
Ginger,
D@mn I love it when you talk to me like that! I am a bit naughty and I need to be scolded more often.
Every guy I date gives me the "you are so different from the rest speech" which is flattering at first, but when push comes to shove, they bail. I got the "you are so different" speech and I did say in my head "here we go again!" but I am not even going to look that far.
Remember guys love the chase!
whatisis,
Yeah right, I believe that. There's nothing like a little struggle to get the flames burning.
I know you've been eyeballing that Filipino woman. You should go for it.
Hi Ginger!
*and quietly goes back to lurking again*
Oh Doodler, I just had to share this one with you.
I'm texting with the plumber and I told him I was going to a volunteering orientation tomorrow night. He asked what I was volunteering to do. I said "free sponge baths for the needy" (I can't help myself either)
He called me Mother Theresa. HEHEHE
Oh Doodler, I just had to share this one with you.
I'm texting with the plumber and I told him I was going to a volunteering orientation tomorrow night. He asked what I was volunteering to do. I said "free sponge baths for the needy" (I can't help myself either)
He called me Mother Theresa. HEHEHE
TOTALLY AWESOME!!! That's a mind-boggling coincidence.
And, uh, I'm really, really needy. W
C'mon G, spill the beans (where the heck did that phrase come from?)!How was the date?
C'mon G, spill the beans (where the heck did that phrase come from?)!How was the date?
Well, I did reach a milestone of a 3rd date from someone I met online. We went out for sushi, I was freakin' starving. We had a nice dinner and conversation and we went back to his house and cuddled and watched a movie and aptly passed out. I woke up at 1am and went home.
He is very different from anyone I have ever dated. Some things I like, some I wish were different. And it's not major stuff. I began to overanalyze and compare on my drive to work this morning, but I decided to stop.
I'm really trying to go with the flow and not look down the road, but yes, there will be a date #4.
There are many reasons why I wish I didn't get divorced. But for real, starting over and over and over again is not how I imagined it. Working on a relationship with the person you married and the work you do to actively love that person is the work I'd rather be doing.
Don't get me wrong, I am making the best of my situation.
Sounds wunderbar
At my age, we pass out on the couch before the movie lol.
Ginger,
You're doing a great job of moving on.
I truly and deeply loved my xW, but in hindsight, she was a difficult woman. I loved being married and I loved my family life, but that's gone. I see excitement and adventure in my future, and frankly, I'm giddy about the prospects of the future being so bright that I have to wear shades.
There are many reasons why I wish I didn't get divorced. But for real, starting over and over and over again is not how I imagined it. Working on a relationship with the person you married and the work you do to actively love that person is the work I'd rather be doing.
Don't get me wrong, I am making the best of my situation.
There are many reasons I wish I didn't get divorced too Ginger. Mostly financial but also the loss of a dream about growing old together, retiring, traveling, having fun with our grandkids. In my case that was more like a fairy tale.
It is eye opening to be dating a "normal" guy who actually likes me and enjoys spending time with me. Him also being divorced with kids is a bonus as he understands my triggers and all the crap we go thru with our exes.
The Plumber sounds fun, which is what I wish for you at this point. Someone who can understand you and the craziness in your life, who likes you, who respects you. Who is willing to "watch it" when you are uncomfortable with something. Someone you can cuddle with watching NetFlix without him demanding sex as payment.
Go with your gut hon, enjoy dating, stop over-analyzing and enjoy it.
I see excitement and adventure in my future, and frankly, I'm giddy about the prospects of the future being so bright that I have to wear shades.
Me too
Life is what we make it. And love is a choice. Lets's choose love, choose happiness, and buy ourselves sunglasses!
That was apparently a fairytale in my case too, RL. But your new fairytale is very inspiring to me. Keeps me from not choosing to be the crazy cat lady who doesn't even like cats.
I know with my ex I would have been miserable. I know that. I wish the after dating could have been a heck of a lot easier. I wish I found my someone by now.
This guy probably isn't my someone. If the last one wasn't my someone, this one most likely isn't. But I am trying to be ok with that. I'm going to not over analyze, enjoy the cuddling and dating, and who knows, maybe I will be pleasantly surprised. Maybe we will just move on when we know it isn't going anywhere. For now, I am having a good time.
Doodler, it's not as miserable as I am making it sound. You should be excited. And maybe if you stop standing chicks up, you'll see!!!!!!
So Ginger, you're saying that for dating to work you actually have to meet people? Hmmmm.
Ginger, seeing as how you mentioned past relationships ...here's a poem I wrote a few years ago which I've just revamped, it seems fitting
Makeover
Since you told me it was over
My days with you were through
I’ve had a complete makeover
And here’s my full report to you.
I’ve lost some 20 lbs, ya’ know
Just can’t find where I put ‘em.
I learned an ancient martial art
And origami too.
I joined a local YMCA
This helps to keep me buff.
I run for miles, can’t seem to stop
And haven’t lost my lunch.
I found the Lord while on my knees
He was right there under the couch!
I go to church and praise his name
And pay my tithes, of course.
I read and write cosmic poetry
And do Karaoke on the side.
I’ve found a therapist with comfy chairs
And made friends a mile wide
Women seem to like me too
Don’t know what that one’s all about
But I take what life will give to me
And no longer seem to doubt.
So life is now a joy to behold
An adventure right out of the blue
So recently it occurred to me
Why the hell would I need you?
by Me
Great poem, WII, love it!
Keeps me from not choosing to be the crazy cat lady who doesn't even like cats.
I don't understand why there are not more crazy pug ladies
WII, I love the poem! You are quite talented!
I would definitely be the crazy pug lady. There really should be more.
The plumber has a dog which is a mutt, but if you look at that face, you know there is pug in her! I DO like his dog.
I speak truth with love lol
That was apparently a fairytale in my case too, RL. But your new fairytale is very inspiring to me. Keeps me from not choosing to be the crazy cat lady who doesn't even like cats.
Ginger,
I have no doubt that you'll have a new fairytale soon enough. Keep the faith.
Doodler, it's not as miserable as I am making it sound. You should be excited. And maybe if you stop standing chicks up, you'll see!!!!!!
Because of you, I'm reformed; if I make a date, I won't cancel unless there's a real emergency.
Doodler, thanks, I had to come back and read that today.
I'm definitely strongly considering becoming the crazy pug lady. With crazy stuff that is happening in my life right,
Pugs are the way to go.
And I am very glad you are reformed. If you end up marrying a woman where in the back of your mind you were about to cancel the first date, but my voice crept in your head......I expect an invitation to the wedding.
I think you'd be happier with a labradoodler.
I think you'd be happier with a labradoodler.
Why not a pugadoodler?
Ginger
I sent you a Mgnrequest as I have some lovely pics to share.
Are you still eating pastrami?
V
V- forgive me, I have no idea what a Mgnrequest is!! I would love to see those pics though!
I had your pastrami sandwich, I am sorry! I had a little and gave my dad the rest, he was excited for it!
Cadet- I would LOVE a pugadoodler!
I think this guy has got to go. I'm also thinking it's still not my time.
Seriously, I am thinking some guy has seriously sweep me off my feet these days. That's the only way it's going to happen.
Who's got to go...doodler or the plumber lol? You're just not feeling the vibes? Is it like dating your brother? Tell us more.
Doodler I will keep. Especially if we could turn him into a pug.
The plumber treats me like one of his guy friends. Except with non-stop sexual comments. There is no treating me like an actual woman he wants to date. It's a huge turn-off. Therefore, the vibes are not there. The intellectual stimulation isn't there either
I may be looking for something that does not exist. I've become emotionally high maintenance. It is what it is!
Sexual comments when he's been told that's not ok...is not ok. Hey, you gave it a shot and it didn't work out...that's called dating...but at least you gave him a chance.
I agree w/whatisis. He's got to go if he can't respect your requests about the sexual comments. He may think he sounds macho, etc., but in my books that's a step down if he can't respect you and your wishes.
BTW, I love pugs too! My neighbor has a pug and she's as cute as a button. She's very well mannered and is good w/children.
Time to turn the page and see what crops on the dating site for the month of December. There are more fish in the sea and the right one will come along and not only sweep you off your feet, but respect you for the woman that you are. You gave the plumber a chance and he blew it. That's on him.
This just reinforces my belief that people show you who they are real fast and often the hard part is believing them! You took a chance, despite his initial inappropriateness and found that he is what he presented himself to be. That's ok, you move on and see what else is out there. My best friend's psychiatrist once told him that he would date at least 20 people before he found "the one". My friend thought the shrink was nuts but he's now finding that is indeed the case! The number 20 isn't written in stone but the point being that you may have to sample a few more before finding someone who's dysfunction fits with your dysfunction lol...and you ride off into the Jersey sunset together...either that or you just get a turtle.
I would LOVE a pugadoodler!
When I read that, I got so excited that I peed on the carpet.
^^^^^ just one more reason to get a turtle!
That balance between giving people a chance and believing who they show you they are right up front. I think the guy legit likes me, but he is just a 41 year old teenager.
My life is in order in every other way. It is nice.
20 different people to find me prince?! I cannot handle that. I'm doing the casual dating thing, but it's so weird.
I'm calling Eharmony for a refund. I've got nothing much since him and all of matches are out of the area.
It is discouraging and confusing at times. But maybe this is the way it's supposed to be for now. I can always just hope for that one that sweeps me off my feet. But I'm not holding my breath.
If it happens, it happens, if not, I always have my nice and orderly life going for me.
Well ginger FWIW I really think this was much more good than bad. It's totally okay if he's not the one. It's a fine line in the early going. If you only accept someone who sweeps you off your feet you may pass up a good one. It's always easier in hindsight to see what you saw in the beginning as a deal breaker. Again, if you jump to conclusions right away you again may well pass by a good one. It really takes several dates and that's what you did. You had to have some fun, right? Would you rather have not gone out at all? I get it's disappointing when he's not the one but unless you think going on several dates and not continuing is worse than staying home and doing nothing, I think it's the right move.
Once again I totally get it. I remember even when married I thought, wow I'm glad I'm married as I've not even met someone I'd want to date. Perhaps that's how it should be? Not that I'd act on it but it was rare I had any attraction. That's still the case, but then it will happen and I know that it still exists and is possible. Been a while but it still can happen. It only takes one.
I'd really plan on dating 20 guys and if it happens on #8 so much the better -BONUS. If not, go onto #9. I know, easy for me to say, but I really do think that if you can lower your expectations and just go with the flow you may enjoy it more. Ficus less on long term and more on having fun.
Girl, I had more success on the free dating sites anyway. I joined Match once on a free trial, the same people were there as on the free site.
I met my guy on OkCupid, I liked their screening tools, they seemed to work well for me.
But don't get discouraged. Every date gives you more information on what works for you and what doesn't. Tall Dark and Handsome has his quirks and drawbacks, I'm not sure I would have been able to appreciate him properly if not for the contrast with the other guys I dated. By the time he came along I was wise enough to value his strengths and to realize that I really didn't need the things that he doesn't bring to the table.
For instance - I'm a geeky intellectual and TDH is not. He's very smart, don't get me wrong, but less formal education and his intelligence is really people-oriented. I would have thought, in years past, that I needed that geeky intellectual stimulation - but actually, I have plenty of friends and family who fill that role. Meanwhile, TDH understands everything that's going on with me emotionally, even when I don't, and loves me unconditionally and without reservation, unlike the many Love Avoidant guys I dated. And he's similar to me in that he has a generally sunny disposition and lives his life with gratitude. I value these things much more now than when I was younger.
Just keep going on coffee dates. The internet is just a way to get to a brief coffee date. The coffee date is really the meet and greet where you can see if you're interested enough for a real date.
G, my one and only relationship since my marriage occurred after my third coffee date...so, for you, it could be twenty or it could be three, who knows...and I met her on POF.
I'd really plan on dating 20 guys and if it happens on #8 so much the better -BONUS. If not, go onto #9.
Whoa Don! I didn't know you were into guys.
^^^^^ just one more reason to get a turtle!
Turtles skinny dip. Once they come out of their shell.
Messenger requests ginger one.
V
Wow, talk about being quoted out of context. Then again I'm not sure I even much into double digits yet, with women that is, so perhaps I too still have a ways to go and I'm as picky as Ginger so we both could be I for a long ride.
I've been quiet. ( a blessing, right?, lol) kind of going through a weird stage. Trying to properly get rid of this plumber , but I want to word it nicely. The guy likes me, but dude, he is proof romance is dead.
I've been having a truly strange reconnection with someone that might be the kind of closure we seek but never get. Long story. But I may have faith people can change. Or I'm a sucker, but I think it's the former
Holidays are notoriously rough for me, but I'm so busy they have been a bit easier this year. If distraction gets you through it, why not?
My mind floats back to ex Ng and where we were last year, at this time of the year. It was the biggest mind F time of the year for me with him. But the good times were great.
He's fading a bit. Truth is, he found what he wanted, he's happy. Ex 's usually just become distant memories and I guess that's what's going on for the both of us. Mine usually pop back in somewhere down the line in one form or another. But I'm accepting he's gone.
The plus is the way he treated me as a person has set my standard much higher. This is both good and bad. He might be the first guy who seems to adore me. And adore ME. I want that again. And I always fully returned it and appreciated it with him. He may stink at the relationship path, but other than that, I felt adored. And it was mutual.
So that's all. I've got a free weekend to myself. Time to shop, cook, and do schoolwork.
My best friend's psychiatrist once told him that he would date at least 20 people before he found "the one".
I'm overdue.
OK, here we go...1) you have no idea whether exNG is "happy" or not...you are not him 2) a man who adores a woman is willing to plan time with her further than the next weekend and will travel to be with her if necessary. I'm sure he had many wonderful traits, or you wouldn't have fallen for him, but he does not fit the definition of adoring!
Regarding the plumber, just message him that you've enjoyed getting to know him but you don't feel there's a match here...wish him all the best and bye bye.
Hang in there, G...you shall rise again
Trying to properly get rid of this plumber , but I want to word it nicely.
Ginger,
In your situation, plumbing metaphors may work well.
-------------------
Dear Mr. Plumber,
I've found that I need to flush you out of my life...once the swirling stops you'll find yourself in a special place surrounded by friends. Good luck to you, and remember, always go with the flow.
He'll probably offer her his snake!
That was very good whatitis, given his past sexual innuendo! The best humor is always based in truth.
I have to say, I find life so blasted interesting. Remember when it was considered poor form to break up with someone over text? I think that's more for longer term things but still, different world. Now days they just stop communicating and never even say why. I'd at least do it over the phone but that's just me. The fact that you are being so careful and wanting to do this the best you can us what makes you such a great person!
You don't really owe him some detailed explanation Ginger. You guys went out a few times, had some fun, I'm guessing weren't even intimate. None of my business either way and I don't really care, but my point is, this is not like when ex ng broke up with you after a much longer time, vacations together, ILY and the rest. This is dating G. You tried him out for an appropriate amount of time and he's just not for you. He's not a terrible guy, just not your right fit. Don't feel bad about that. You have done nothing wrong here. Don't feel as if you have. You did everything well if you ask me and it's just time to see if there is a better fit in your future. He's a big boy, he will be fine. Don't take on his "pain" whatever lower level, for a few days that it may be.
You're so sensitive, G, I can see you wanting to word "goodbye" nicely so as to not hurt The Plumber, maybe the next time he asks you out, just say you don't think it's working out for you? I would love you to tell him why, that his constant sexual innuendos make you feel disrespected, but I'm not good at that kind of stuff and don't think I could do it myself.
This has me worried:
I've been having a truly strange reconnection with someone that might be the kind of closure we seek but never get. Long story. But I may have faith people can change. Or I'm a sucker, but I think it's the former
Is this the guy who was texting you a few weeks ago when we went to the winery? Closure would be good after all of the crap he put you through, but reconnection???? Really? Maybe he's changed if his Narcissistic disorder was due to drinking or taking drugs, but other than that, don't think people can really change much. Ginger! I'm worried !
Thank you all so much for giving me such good feedback, support and advice.
What I know about myself.
I am super sensitive. I am a super sensitive person who is also rock hard. it's a paradox within myself and can be hard for others to handle and myself to handle.
I make lots and lots of mistakes. Which is ok. Sometimes I repeat mistakes, but luckily, I catch myself pretty early and I have a much easier time dusting off and moving on. I don't beat myself up as bad.
Why can't I fully break this off? I don't know. Is it me, is it him, do I not want to feel like an arse? But holding off any longer will make me feel like one. Maybe a part of me hopes it will work out somehow some way. But it won't.
I have a very in order regimented life right now. Crazy busy, sometimes too much pressure to do all alone emotionally, but I think it's best if I just keep my order. Especially since my child is doing the best she ever has, and I don't know that I really want to rock that boat.
I really just am not in a place to be juggling dating right now. And I come to realize most men cannot handle ME. I don't need a man to live and while they think at first, "that's really attractive" I feel like they feel less of a man because of that and try to compensate in other ways. It's easy for a guy to take care of certain needs like paying for things, and the such. But the needs I have aren't ones many want to or are capable of fulfilling. They are the hard ones. And yes, I am not so easy to love, I realize that. I am a very hard shell with a very soft center. Life has kicked my butt, and this is the end result. Which I accept about me.
Will someone else accept it one day? Maybe, maybe not. He'd have to be one helluva strong man. And maybe to that person, I will, indeed, easy to love.
Why can't I fully break this off? I don't know. Is it me, is it him, do I not want to feel like an arse? But holding off any longer will make me feel like one. Maybe a part of me hopes it will work out somehow some way. But it won't.
There's a song in that paragraph. I wish I were a musician.
Why can't I fully break this off?
I don't know
Is it me?
Is it him?
Do I not want to feel?
Holding off any longer will make me feel
Maybe a part of me hopes it will work out somehow some way
But it won't
Maybe title it "Ginger's Island Rhapsody."
Ginger's heart longing
Hope tarnished by transgressions
How to fill the void?
How to fill the void? In Ginger's case, that's easy...bacon!
Btw, it's nicer to flush Plumber asap rather than to turn to avoidant behaviours. Personally, I've always be appreciative when a lady is politely upfront. Women say they don't want to hurt men so they leave guys hanging trying to figure out what's going on...and that's not hurtful? Just do it! He's a big boy...and I'm sure he'll be glad tell you just how big, if he hasn't already lol!
whatisis,
I was proud of that haiku. The bacon remark ruined the whole thing! My xW loved bacon. Now I'm sitting at my desk sobbing. You're so cruel!
Speaking of cruel, you should ask me about the Hairy Green Monster.
Doodler, I thoroughly felt the emotion in your Haiku.
I am afraid WII is correct, I am a bacon lover. So much, that a friend got me a few lbs of bacon as a wedding gift. (In addition to a monetary gift, lol). These days, I am only eating turkey bacon because of this "nutrition program"
WII, I completely agree with you, I am trying not to be an arse. I definitely have avoidant behaviors when it comes to stuff like this. I just tried to be straightforward, but not hurtful. I must have failed at getting the point across. I also hate to do it over text, so I will try on the phone the next time.
In better news, my taste for sushi is back. Now I can happily enjoy it once a week when D9 is with her dad.
Happy for the little things
Hey, if you've already told him the party is over then you owe him no more communication...if he's pushing past that then he's not respecting you and that's not ok. You don't owe him anything beyond a polite so long. Trust me, he got it...he just doesn't want to accept it. If that's the case, stick to silence.
Thank you all so much for giving me such good feedback, support and advice.
What I know about myself.
I am super sensitive. I am a super sensitive person who is also rock hard. it's a paradox within myself and can be hard for others to handle and myself to handle.
I make lots and lots of mistakes. Which is ok. Sometimes I repeat mistakes, but luckily, I catch myself pretty early and I have a much easier time dusting off and moving on. I don't beat myself up as bad.
Why can't I fully break this off? I don't know. Is it me, is it him, do I not want to feel like an arse? But holding off any longer will make me feel like one. Maybe a part of me hopes it will work out somehow some way. But it won't.
I have a very in order regimented life right now. Crazy busy, sometimes too much pressure to do all alone emotionally, but I think it's best if I just keep my order. Especially since my child is doing the best she ever has, and I don't know that I really want to rock that boat.
I really just am not in a place to be juggling dating right now. And I come to realize most men cannot handle ME. I don't need a man to live and while they think at first, "that's really attractive" I feel like they feel less of a man because of that and try to compensate in other ways. It's easy for a guy to take care of certain needs like paying for things, and the such. But the needs I have aren't ones many want to or are capable of fulfilling. They are the hard ones. And yes, I am not so easy to love, I realize that. I am a very hard shell with a very soft center. Life has kicked my butt, and this is the end result. Which I accept about me.
Will someone else accept it one day? Maybe, maybe not. He'd have to be one helluva strong man. And maybe to that person, I will, indeed, easy to love.
It's not you. It's the guys you are meeting. You are high quality. If my brothers were single i would set you up in a heart beat. I can only chalk it up to the region. Because seriously there is no other explanation.
You are smart and physically beautiful and emotionally mature. It's just hard finding someone that is of equal quality.
Hugs
J
I'm going to have to disagree with whatitis - well at least in part. IF and I have to really be clear that IF you clearly told him you don't want to see him anymore and he's not respecting that, then I'd agree with WII. Thing is, I'm very willing to bet you were not clear. You've admitted you want to be nice, not hurt him , etc and I just bet that turned into a very non-comitle breakup. Some guys, actually most (myself included) need things in very clear terms. Not subtle, sweat, sugar coated double meanings. So you Have to be clear, no hedging no "I'm not sure if this is working" type language.
I fully agree we'd rather know. It's far nicer than stringing along. The sad thing here is, I'm told by many women that guys don't take it well which is part of why they don't come clean right away. Rather than a decent response they get mean or nasty or ask why or try to convince or whatever. This is why many online do what they do or don't respond at all after getting some very nasty responses.
Be clear, be firm and be final. Say goodbye and good luck or whatever. If he doesn't. Get it from That, it's on him.
Lol and remember when you first went out and he said you are different than anyone else he's ever dated? You thought that was the beginning of the end and he would dump you. Guess that didn't happen!
.
Absolutely Don, if she said clearly "I've enjoyed getting to know you but I don't think we're a match" then she's done her job...and that's being nice! Leaving it with anything less, isn't nice.
Of course I wasn't clear, come on, I stink at this! I shall try again. He isn't one to get the hint, or the direct message very well. Seriously, a nice guy despite his lewdness. maybe there is a woman who would appreciate that out there.
It's not you. It's the guys you are meeting. You are high quality. If my brothers were single i would set you up in a heart beat. I can only chalk it up to the region. Because seriously there is no other explanation.
You are smart and physically beautiful and emotionally mature. It's just hard finding someone that is of equal quality.
Hugs
J
JuJU,
You have no idea how much this means to me. And I must say,that you would consider hooking me up with your brothers if they were single is a very high compliment!
I do think this region is not working for me. It sounds silly, especially when I'm so close to a city that his like a kazillion people in it...... but look at how unlucky those sex and the city women were, lol.
I actually have a friend of 10 years who recently moved down south. She is my age, never married, and honestly for as long as I have known her, has never had a boyfriend. She tried the OLD without much success. One of the biggest reasons for moving was to find someone to marry.
Lord knows if I could get out of dodge and start somewhere new, I wouldn't hesitate.
Um, I'm not sure I get this...if you were out dating frequently and found you were dating losers then I might get this conclusion but you're not! You had a long distance relationship with a man out of state and dated the plumber, who you didn't think would work out from the beginning but gave it a shot anyway. Don't limit yourself by painting all men in your area with a wide brush...hey, isn't Bruce Springsteen available lol. Dating suucks...believe me, I get it but it's all we've got unless you want to do the turtle thing...and yes, you've got so much to offer some lucky guy!
yes, you've got so much to offer some lucky guy!
AGREED!
Doodler, the Hairy Green Monster? What dating site are you using...Plenty Of Freaks lol?
whatisis,
Ha! I think POF must be owned by Walmart.
Actually, a few weeks ago, or maybe a month or two ago, I was texting with my sons and they were complaining about mommy (my xW). I don't really remember the conversation, but one of us referred to her as a Hairy Green Monster. It was all in good fun. The boys know that mommy is different now (always angry) and we were all letting off steam with a little humor.
Around the same time (I think) one of us referred to her as a Nazi while texting. I think it was my youngest son that said that; he's a big World War II history buff. He also calls his older brother a "grammar Nazi" so he obviously isn't using the word literally.
Anyway, last week I got a letter from my wife's lawyer threatening going to court because we'd called my xW a Hairy Green Monster and a Nazi. I laughed until I cried. I can't imagine any sane judge giving two sh*ts about that.
So, being the good doodler that I am, I sent my xW a message via OurFamilyWizard that started with "Dear Hairy Green Monster..."
I haven't heard back from her. What a shock.
Doodler,
Did your kids go back and tell her they called her that?!
I think it's funny, and I think she wasted her money on her lawyer for that, but I'd hate to see something actually happen because of "bad-mouthing the other parent" like taking some dumb parenting class.
Tell your boys that that stuff stays between you guys, since you know it is all in good fun, but Mommy has lost her sense of humor!"
Lord knows if I could get out of dodge and start somewhere new, I wouldn't hesitate.
Northern Florida is definitely the best place for dating and stuff. Ponce de Leon actually found the Fountain of Youth here, he just didn't tell anybody. There are four seasons and the leaves change color, but it's rarely brutally cold.
Did your kids go back and tell her they called her that?!
No, she checks their phones. They hate that.
My friend just moved to Jacksonville!! She absolutely loving it so far.
Ugh!! Tell them no more text evidence. Your kids seem very mature and responsible, they don't need Mommy chekcing their phones. Ugh.
Jacksonville is ok, but I really like St. Augustine (that's where my grandmother was born). St. Augustine has a lot of really good Spanish style architecture.
We stopped texting anything "sensitive."
cadet AND wii-
thank you! You sure do know how to make a gal feel good!
I got a response from the Hairy Green Monster and she was pleasant! I'm not believing it! Like the Irish say, "whale oil beef hooked."
It must be a Nazi scheme...
cadet AND wii-
thank you! You sure do know how to make a gal feel good!
That's why I'm still single lol
It must be a Nazi scheme...
Hey, stop smearing the Nazis lol
Hi, my amazing friend. I love reading your stuff. You are so brutally honest in your assessments of yourself. Although, I have to disagree with some of them. But you know, I know how life's stuff can affect you.
You know, G, I get it that you dont want to hurt plumber guy's feelings. But the truth is, he will be fine. Better to know what's what sooner rather than later. And you can be nice and still get your point across, ya know? Just do it.
.
As far as the guys you've met...I am thinking that you have one foot in to the possibilities and one foot out..if you know what I mean. You want a relationship..yet, you dont know how to fit one into your life and you worry about little G and...and...and...
My feeling is that you need to live your life and let things happen as they will. I suspect when you are in a real place of being ready, things will move in that direction. Til then...do your thing.
Sometimes people like us, who are always looking inward, can get so far inside our own head that we make it spin. LOL!
While I sometimes find it hard to follow my own advise, I am trying really hard to let life unfold. Because the more I try to plan it, the crazier I get.
And please dont sell yourself short, sweetie. You have got a hel1 of a lot to offer the right person..even with your soft core and hard shell. THe right person will see clear inside you.
Love you, my friend. Cant wait to see you again. Spoke with my sis...she cant wait to meet you.
UR!!!!!
I am afraid I am being a little selfish about plumber guy. Of course he will be fine. I think I am just scared to say how I really feel for some reason. He contacted me not at all yesterday and I bet he won't today. But I'll call him to let him know it's over instead of that ghosting thing. A secret little part of me really wanted this to work. But it's just not there for me.
I don't know how to fit it into my life. I made it work, sort of last year, singlehandedly, really, but in reality, that didn't work either.
You are right, I need to let things just unfold. I do yearn for something, but it is not the right time in my life. And of course, a part of me is afraid it will never be and this is my fate. And that being my fate scares me a bit.
I came on the verge of a breakdown last night. it was averted but I was smacked out of nowhere. I have been on autopilot. I do what I do without having time to ask myself where I am getting the energy or pitying myself for doing it all alone...... but things are REALLY busy this week. Extra really busy. I have no clue how I am going to get it done. I ran in the house to cook dinner after work, while washing dishes, and helping D9 with her homework from the kitchen simultaneously and I just said "WTF?! Why am I the only one still doing everything!" I had a short pity party, went to the gym, and I felt better.
I can't wait to see you either and meet your sister! We need to plan it soon. Once things calm down, we can all enjoy a nice day back in the 'hood!
G, it's always disappointing when someone says it's just not there for them but it's also quite freeing because Plumber can then begin looking elsewhere without holding on to "maybe" You're doing him a favour! Explain to to him in terms he'll understand "we're going to play hide the sausage...you're the sausage and I'm going to hide from you!" lol.
Well, I haven't heard from the plumber in two days. So I am thinking he moved on. I asked my therapist last night if I should each out to him and make it very clear. She said nope, leave it alone. I had a good session last night. So, the takeaway, as usual is, I am NOT difficult to love. I want pretty healthy normal things, and those healthy normal things are just not coming from these unhealthy men. She said I simply haven't found the right partner and I just need to be patient. (like you said UR) When it is time, that healthy partner will make his way to me and vice versa, and things won't seem so hard. She praised me on my ability to not let people too far in and me keeping my eyes wide open and knowing when to end it.
So, I am back to square one. No men in my life currently. The interesting thing was I mentioned to her how I am not heart broken over being alone again. I am ok with it. I am not into trying to make it work where it can't or I'm the only one trying.
Onward and upward I guess.
I agree, if he hasn't contacted you then he got the message. If he does then be clear with him. I also agree with your therapist, the right guy hasn't come along. Apparently, it's a numbers game and the lower your numbers the less likely you are to find the right one but some of us just can't handle dating many people at one time or even meeting lots of people one after the other...that's me, anyway! Maybe it's you too. So patience is key. And it's ok to be ok with being alone...there's always the turtle!
It's definitely me. I mean, look at my life. I cannot serial date. I get like maybe 6 days a month to myself. And not even totally to myself. I cannot play the numbers game right now. I face that.
I really, really, really, really need a pug. Badly.
It will happen when you least expect it or even want it. That's how it went for me. I told myself that being alone would be fine and I really was ok. Granted my divorce was fairly new when I met K. So not being in a R was the right thing to do but it happened. Even though I pused back hard at times.
Don't lose hope. Go on living.
On a sad not. We had a pug. He got really sick in the midst of our divorce and had to put him to sleep.rough year
It's definitely me. I mean, look at my life. I cannot serial date. I get like maybe 6 days a month to myself. And not even totally to myself. I cannot play the numbers game right now.
I'm kind-of in the same boat; I have so much stuff that I have to get done or that I want to get done. In addition, I realized that I enjoy my projects so much that I'd rather work on the projects than go on a date with some stranger that I just met online.
And, when my sons are with me, I want to spend plenty of quality time with them. (BTW, my sons are begging to stay with me full-time. I'd love to have them full-time, but I'm sure my xW won't be willing to do that.)
Well you just knew someone would have to disagree and might as well be me.
. Actually the only thing I disagree about is he got it and you won't hear from him again. I highly doubt it. Problem is I don't know how things have been left between you two, what was said, what the vibe was. I just know two days is next to nothing with a guy who is interested and doesn't get it. I'm betting he's just giving you some space and you'll hear from him before the end of the weekend - that would be Sunday night. We will soon see if I'm right or not.
The rest all seems like sound advice. Don't reach out to him again. If or when he contacts you just tell him it's not working, sorry, good luck and goodbye - all in your own nice way.
The whole it will happen when it's right... Still not sure about that. I will update my own thread this weekend but after ten years of waiting for the right person to just enter my life... I did have a great thanksgiving weekend however with multiple women approaching me. Alas the global list has been expanded. I already had Arkansas, Virginia and Chicago in the mix, now add Michigan and Canada to the list, with Nashville as a possibility as I've been told how cute, smart and fun someone there thinks I am. Is it too much to find someone within about an hour of me?
Back to you Ginger, you are still one of my favorite people here and I have very good taste and am very selective so you have to be an awesome person!!! I refuse to believe otherwise.
Ginger
This link is for you.
ROTFLMAO
Ginger Pug Pic
Rick and Don,
The catch 22, and I know you will get this Don, since you are in the same boat as I am....
It will happen when you least expect it. Well, I didn't expect anything about 3 years post S/D. Wasn't looking, wasn't expecting, just trying to rebuild my life. Nothing ever happened in that time except a male friend who I made a connection with, but didn't want to date me for real. We just had, um "benefits" Then I manage to do that somehow and begin to think of dating and a future with someone else. Not expecting, but entertaining. Nah, still never happened.
Fast forward almost 9 years into this and you could probably echo this, well, yeah, I am expecting it to happen! Sheesh already! Dating, one short R, a few false starts, and I am back to square one. I am afraid I am always going to expect it to happen. Maybe it will come from an unexpected source? IDK. But it is a permanent part of something I hope for. ANd if I don't have hope, I have nothing. My therapist tells me I can't lose hope, because that will be my downfall. She also tells me that "accepting" I'll be alone for rest of my life is the same as losing hope.
For now, I will try to direct my focus off of it. It's not easy. But I need to do it.
So my focus remains on my routine right now. I've made such a nice new gym family. It gets me there everyday. my body is transforming and it's pretty satisfying.
3 days and I haven't heard from the plumber, and I won't. I wish I took the chance to properly say goodbye, but otherwise, no love lost.
I was looking back to this time last year. I was full of hope, and heartache at the same time. My heart strings were being pulled on in every direction. When I get sad an reminiscent and miss it, I remember how even thought the good felt so good, the bad hurt so bad.
Last year I had someone who kept throwing me out and reeling me back in, right at Christmas. This year, I have ME and I have been doing a great job of not messing with my own emotions. Even though I am alone, I do not have the severe Christmas blues of the years past. I think it means I am more in control of my heart. I'll take it!
However, this year, all I want for Christmas is a Pug, just like the one Eric posted with a batman costume. particularly with a batman costume, I know my obsession is a little weird, but they seem to fill up this joy in my heart. But no dogs allowed. Oh well.
And Rick, I am very sorry to hear about your pug. The loss of a pet is always heart breaking:(
Turtles are always allowed!
So, how positively ridiculous am I?
Ex and I will have a conversation and he uses "we" and "us" and "ours" when it is a conversation between the two of us. However, even though there is no one else in our conversation, the "we" and "us" and "ours" does not pertain to him and I, the two people in the conversation. he says it as in him and OWW.
I am not a petty person, but this makes me insane. a pet peeve maybe? It's on the tip of my tongue to say something every single time.
Someone else used to do this to me, but the "we" I would figure out was his ex girlfriend!
Petty b!tchy rant over. I'm exhausted working on barely any sleep. Unfortunately there is no "we" or "us" over here. Just an "I"
Well, what's he talking about? The kids? In that case, yes, "we" would drive me batty. However, if he were talking about the kids and he said "we" referring to him and I, I would also object. He gave up the chance to be "we" with me.
Would you take him back if he showed up on your doorstep with champagne and roses? If not, then I have found it helpful to identify my anger and give it its say.
If you WOULD, then I think you should sit with that too...
Hugs!!
Hey Maybell!
He is referring to him and his wife. And yes, he is usually referring to something about our daughter. or even just him. But neither very well has nothing to do with his OWW. Who is not in the conversation, nor are they as a couple being referred to at any point. I understand she is a part of my D9's life, but she isn't a part of everything. When someone speaks directly to me, I have always figured "we" or "us" refers to the 2 people having a conversation. Anything he does anymore is no longer an "I". He no longer identifies himself as an individual. Even if I ask him a question that has to do with him, and no one else, not even our kid, he says "we".
I wouldn't take him back in a million years under any circumstances. My anger may have been misdirected. That does irk me when he does that, like I said, probably a pet peeve or a trigger, but I was angry with him about something else, and that just intensified it I think.
I'm surely overwhelmed and if I am being completely honest here, the fact that he is a part of a "we" and doesn't have to do half of the crap I do and the little bit he has to do, is a shared responsibility with HER. I have been fighting my lonliness and the overwhelming feeling of sole responsibility tooth and nail these days. I don't discuss with friends, I discuss it here and in IC. I power through my days by going full force, not giving myself enough time to stop and think about it. And when I get sad and frustrated, I pep talk myself, brag on myself for what a great job I am doing all alone, and how awesome it is all I accomplish and continue to accomplish. That is honestly what gets me through it, and doesn't let me stop and feel the pain or lonliness. I brag to myself. It's all I've got, is to be proud of myself, it's my coping mechanism.
I don't want to be strong all the time, but I realize, if I am not, I'll fall apart. I just wonder how many more years I can keep going like this.
The Giggalo always complained I wasn't a 'we' person, like it was a bad thing.
I liked being part of 'us' a couple made of two separate people working together as a team. We doesn't figure in us.
We means as if with one voice, as if one person.
That's how controlling peeps are, there is only 'we' when they mean 'me'. You are not a 'me' person means you agree with me, we have one voice, and my view is yours. Adding we feels stronger as if there is an extra strength, two or more against me on my own.
It isn't that way, 'we' is weak it bites no controversy, it permits no discretion. No discussion on any matter, it means I speak for another, I assume their view point is the same as mine. This is because they have no right to a view, an independent because I am right automatically, all the time. The one on the other side of 'we' is weak, they use passitivity, to gain control they may become the passive master the type that Al Turtle speaks of.
Know that 'we' is weak, a folie a deux, validating that which should not be validated.
Pity someone who is part of 'we', their voice may be removed and their thoughts held captive by another.
To be part of 'we' can be comforting, to feel enclosed by another, to belong, to be subsumed. It is dangerous to assume that 'we' is romantic to have a notion it is the pathway to heaven. It is the pathway to hell.
So I ask what is it about 'we' that bothers you?
Could it be the sense of 'we' believe or think has greater power than I? Or is it that 'we' is a sense of someone in control and you are unsure who it is, that the ex has no voice but that of another? Or is it the loss of 'we', that faux romantic notion of 2 into 1?
Heed it no mind Ginger, 'we' speak is usually piffle.
V
Doodler not p tard. Doodler smrt.
The WH is P tard
Not you
OM is brown snow.
V
The WH is P tard
Not you
OM is brown snow.
V
Ah! Doodler slow.
Apologies for hijack Ginger
We are having a thread party on your thread without inviting you, it's the kindergarten crew again.
Cheeeeeeeeeeese
Moooooooose
V
Wow, my thread took a crazy turn. I'm sitting here trying to figure it out. I'm lost! Maybe I need to channel my inner kindergartner?
I'll close out the official "we" topic. It irks me. That's as much as I know. I can't talk to him without also talking to her. And assumed I know who "we" is when we are the only 2 in the convo. It doesn't bother me that much. I just mentioned it on a cranky day when his p8ssed me off.
I have a 3 day weekend all to myself. ANd it is literally all to myself. My plans were cancelled, everyone is busy, so it's just me. I shopped yesterday. I did not go out the night before. I had a wine emergency yesterday and actually had to ask my ex to stop and grab a bottle on the way to pick up D9 (I was watching her longer so he could get a haircut and it was literally on the way) Today I am grabbing lunch with a friend. But the rest is all time to myself. One might think I should be happy......
Thursday night the owner of my gym was there and ex came and picked her up from class. She said to me after "your daughter didn't look to thrilled to be going with him" He himself, looks like a crank ALL THE TIME lately. She said "oh, you have a night to yourself, are you going out?" I felt like a loser. No. I have no plans except with my couch.
Eh, I'll make the best of it. Wrap presents, drink wine, watch sappy Christmas movies that are a love story, then cry.
tomorrow I signed up for a yoga charity event. That should be fun. I may grab coffee with some guy on POF that I exchanged 2 messages with. He asked. Why not? I have nothing to lose. It's just a cup of coffee.
Never heard from the plumber again.
It's a rough time of the year to be alone.
Nothing wrong with the couch.
Grab a great movie, glass of lovely stuff and have a snuggle evening.
Enjoy your date as well.
For explanation
1. When doodler isn't insisting on skinny dipping then his alternate choice of activity is being punny
2. V favourite letter is P, started on Fo thread a year ago and it too is punny
3. You are now officially part of the Kindergarten crew
4. You can host thread parties
5. All thread parties include the word Moooooooose, ask Mustardseed or Sotto (also Kindergarten crew)
6. Moooooooose is de rigeur in honor of Fawlty Towers a British invention for TV and very funny and silly
7. Cheeeeeeeeeeese is the only food allowed on a thread party
I hearby announce your membership of the crew, it is an honor and means at any time you are allowed to say Mooooooooooose and start a thread party
Trust that explains the rules of Mornington Crescent thread party
Mooooooooooose
V
Wait. There's a tread party and you didn't invite me? What??? Who's bringing the cheesecake?
Sorry, Ginger......
Since there is a party on my thread.......
I will gather you all around to hear about my adventures in OLD. Grab a drink for this one!
So this guy was free tonight, so we decided to meet up for a drink. He was ok looking, but maybe a little weird, but very nice, I thought maybe, something different from what I am used to. He sort of comes out with the big gun questions. he learns I am divorced and why. So on his profile it says he is unmarried, but he was in a relationship for 10 years. So I asked him about it.
Get ready......
He tell me the relationship was with GOD. He was a priest for 10 years and left the ministry in June. I was a little taken aback..... I listened and remained open minded, but I really don't know what to make of it.
Was there a connection there for me? No. I thought maybe a preist might be a little different, but he managed to call me "Hot" during the date and he went in for the kiss.
He wants to see me again. I left just feeling empty.
I'm thinking "That feeling" is never coming back.
/
Best part of my day? I went for Thai food with my friend. I had my cheat meal which was so incredibly delicious. I'm still dreaming of the meal. You tend to enjoy good food so much more when you can only have on meal of whatever you want a week.
cheesecake. I would love a cheesecake and some brownies right now.
I'm sorry the date didn't turn out quite as you expected. I would feel a bit odd if someone dropped that news on me that he had left the priesthood. If you feel empty about the date, then I would say let it go. The feeling will return, but it may take some time.
I'm glad you enjoyed your time out w/your friend and had some good Thai food.
I do hope that your daughter have begun to decorate for the holiday and are enjoying some quality time while doing so. The new year is right around the corner and hopefully things will look much brighter for you. Stay positive and have faith!
Also, it's time to start a new thread. I'll be happy to link your threads for you.
so did you ask him why he betraying God...just kidding! But someone who has just left the priesthood is in a major life transition. He's probably not date for a long time...hey, kind of like me lol. Any coffee date I've ever been on, the lady ALWAYS hits me with the biggie questions. In fact, last weekend I picked up a couple of the Filipino ladies for our church Xmas Party and one of them mentioned that I'd had a Filipino gf and one of the new ladies asked "Whatis, if it's not too personal, what happened to your relationship?" We hung out at the party together and took some silly, fun photos. Anyway, it's ok not to feel "the feeling" with the guy, it's a meet and that's what it's for. What I find encouraging is that these guys seem to always want to move the date up which means you're desirable...they WANT to meet you. Hang in there G, it's kind of like job hunting, it takes patience and lots of stamina and you've got both...oh, and you're hot
!