Here's where I left off in the Newcomer's forum:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701984&page=5 Here's what it says so you don't have to click on the link:
"Just a little update.
I will move to the Surviving the Divorce forum, although I am not legally divorced at this time. It feels very much like I am emotionally.
The earliest either of us could file, was in mid-October. STBXH has not filed. I am pretty sure he is using me as protection against having to marry OW, as she wants him to and he doesn't want to at this point.
I'm not filing, partly out of principle, partly out of convenience (it is a significant financial benefit for me to stay M). Also, I need time to recover. I just can't take on the stress of a D process right now. I'm very, very happy with my life as it is and I don't want to get dragged back into that world until I have to.
Due to potential legal ramifications, I can't say a whole lot about what's going on in my life outside my usual activites, except that it has taken a very unexpected but happy direction. I am in a much better place than I was during most of my M, with a level of equal and respectful interaction, exploration and understanding, connection, challenge, and healing that I didn't think was possible. I didn't plan for it, but I'm not going to turn down a connection that seems rare and precious.
I hope this can be an encouraging post for those who are losing hope about their M. There is life after the death of the M, and it can be much better. You can take what you learned about yourself and relationships and put it to use to create a better future."
Welcome
Virginew Cocktail and Chicago Pizza on the stoop
V
Virginew Cocktail and Chicago Pizza on the stoop
Is that supposed to be: Virginew Cocktail and Chicago Pizza and a schtoop?
Thanks, Vanilla, Doodler and Zues! Good to see all these familiar names.
I don't have much to report. Life is interesting and challenging, but all good. It feels very rich. I have lots of social activities going on, still attend a Divorce Care group, but I can tell I'm really past most of the feelings that are being discussed. I guess the weekly IC has let me process so much already. I go now mostly to support other members and also to gain whatever I can from it. We're going to discuss how to get through the holidays. I actually look more forward to the holidays this year than I have for years. I can do it my way, with people who accept me and like me the way I am.
I wanted to recommend a website for meditation that I have found to be quite good -
www.headspace.com. They offer a 10-day free trial before subscribing. I have done the 10 meditations over 14 days or so (some days get too busy), and already noticed in the last few days a difference in how I feel.
My goal has been primarily to improve my focus and remove blocks I have for certain tasks. I think it can be very helpful for anyone.
Virginew Cocktail and Chicago Pizza on the stoop
Is that supposed to be: Virginew Cocktail and Chicago Pizza and a schtoop?
No Virgin Cocktail, Chicago Pizza on the stoop.
V
WH broke yet another promise. Due to legal issues I can't be too specific, but he had promised me that he would let me know if he decided to file for a D and he has filed without telling me. My friend says he's at least completely consistent on that he always lies.
I remember how we disliked his ex for always filing something in court before the holidays. I guess he learned from her.
Really he's happy so throws a hangreade at your holidays...
Well whoop it up lets go party barbie!
Shows hurting people hurt... So things aren't great in paradise to bad his sand box.
Get out don let it worry you as you said you felt divorced so don't let it worry you on but his choices ha cannot hold you responsible for ever not any more.
Sorry it's taken me so long to offer up your official welcome Painter. You know we're glad you've found your way here. Happy to hear you have some good things in your life.
Painter, that really svcks. You have my sympathy though. I found out mine had filed by reading it on the internet while I was home visiting my family for Christmas. lol
Onward and upward to better things!
Thanks, everyone!
A quick update - I'm struggling with what to do in relation to the D. WH wants me to sign the eze-D paperwork and get it done. I think. It could be that he's trusting me to hold it up so he doesn't have to marry OW, lol.
I promised him earlier that I would set the record straight and reply with an at-fault D filing. I didn't want to sign a lie - that we were in agreement and it was nobody's fault. At this point, I'm moving on with my life and I can't decide if it's worth it or not. I'll be talking to my IC about it again this week, and also a L. I like to keep my promises, but I also want to look out for my own peace of mind.
There is nothing to settle in this step of the process unless I dispute the agreement we already have in place. I was duped, but the law may not consider it so.
My life is good - although I am struggling with feelings of vulnerability in moving forward. It was easier when it was just me and my GAL.
I'm terrified of being cheated on and left. I'm leery of feeling dependent on a R or a new partner.
I'm probably a little cryptic. It's for legal reasons. Hopefully I will be able to be more open at some point.
Painter
You are allowed to change your mind you know.
Does it really matter who is at fault, providing it doesn't affect the Fins (of course).
The saying a lie issue is a much bigger thing to me. That would be my deal breaker on it. In a sense you are in agreement so that bit seems sensible. The he done me wrong bit is important, if it's important to you.
Vulnerable, it's a good thing Painter.
V
Hi Painter! I came to find you, too. I like your new neighborhood. I think I'll be finding my way over here eventually, as I'm definitely in the surviving and kind-of-thriving mode these days. The D is a foregone conclusion and a good thing at this point.
Sorry to hear that STBXH is still lying to you, but as with my own STBXH - how do you know when they are lying? Their lips are moving. Or they moved in the past.
((((((((((Painter))))))))))
Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas! I hope you are all spending time with friends or family. This is a difficult time for so many of us - changes and loss and loneliness. A big hug to everyone!
hugs back. Merry Christmas!
Happy New Year to all you lovely people here! Go into 2017 knowing that you are awesome, loyal, hard-working, dedicated and introspective individuals with a great capacity for love.
I am doing very well. My life is very good, better than it has been for years, maybe ever! The only thing I really need to focus on now is creating financial safety for myself and get my own place to live. This is my main resolution for 2017.
The reason I'm in this good place is because I GAL'ed extensively and found myself in the process. Then someone found me because I was a happy, busy person with a life of my own.
I want to put my M behind me. I have talked to a few L and they all think I will spend more than it's worth on trying to get an at-fault D. There's too many loopholes.
There is a way for me to protest a no-fault D passively - I simply do nothing. That way, I won't have to sign my name to a lie. WH will get his D in time even if I don't respond. (It will also cost me nothing.) Right now, that looks like the best option. The financials were all settled at the S, so there's no need to get involved.
I wish for peace of mind and new happiness for everyone here in the new year.
Yay! Sounds like a win win situation for you painter.
I'm glad your in a good place. Happy New Years.
Time for a little update:
I have heard nothing from WH. I have not been served, so there is no movement in the D proceedings that I know of. I am pretty sure that he is not ready to move forward with his committment to OW and is using our M as a buffer. She wants to get M and he told me before that he's not in any hurry to remarry.
In my own life, I'm experiencing great growth. I'm changing my relationship behaviors in what feels like profound ways, and it's so empowering and effective. This wasn't possible in my M because I didn't have a partner who felt he had a responsibility to contribute to the R outside bringing home a paycheck.
But I'm so happy that I went through the DB program because I can use these principles to develop a great R with someone who understands that it takes two people making an effort every day, and who approached the R with an attitude that made me challenge myself.
I have made a conscious decision to not focus on negative feelings (that are certain to occur) or doubts and fears, but instead feed the R with positive initiatives and be the change I want to see. I'm a detail oriented person who can get stuck on small stuff, and I've just decided I'm not going to take offense unless it's something really major, and instead meet it with the behavior I would like to see. I've seen amazing results within days.
I guess I'm trying to say that even if DB didn't save your M, it can have a profound impact on your future Rs. Wishing my dear friends here all the best!
Painter,
I am glad to hear you are in a better place!
Checking in to see how everyone is doing and update on me.
I'm doing very well, but still being M is starting to feel like cobwebs clinging to me. Icky sensation that I want to get rid of.
There are also practical reasons - I can't really move on with my life this way. Getting a mortgage for a place to live, etc.
So I sent WH an e-mail and asked him if he would file promptly if I signed paperwork to allow that. He hasn't answered - it's been two days.
*sigh*
So I sent WH an e-mail and asked him if he would file promptly if I signed paperwork to allow that. He hasn't answered - it's been two days.
Painter,
Are you opposed to filing yourself?
Are you opposed to filing yourself?
It is said to be quite beneficial to file first.
WH's L had already filed, although WH denies it. He claims he didn't instruct them to do that. They can't move forward unless I'm served or waive service.
Also, I live out of state now so I don't think I can file in the state we used to live in.
Since we already have a settlement, there's no advantage to filing first.
Also, I think he should pay for it.
WH was willing to compromise and I'm fine with his offer. If he agrees to move forward, I may be D by the end of the month.
So WH has been dragging his feet, but finally got around to seeing his L. I received papers and will be signing them this week. The L said it will take 6-8 weeks to get them signed by the judge, so the D will most likely be final in early May.
I'm so ready to have it over with. It will have been more than a year since I left by then, and I haven't seen him since.
Life is for the most part very good, and I have in reality moved on. Every interaction with WH is the same (e-mail only), causing only frustration.
The L said it will take 6-8 weeks to get them signed by the judge, so the D will most likely be final in early May.
That's odd. As long as the papers/terms/agreements are signed and completed by both parties, then it is a matter of having at least one of the parties (in my state, in an uncontested all it takes is one of the parties and their lawyer) show up at court. Uncontested is always first on the list. Unless their is some legal reason for a 6 - 8 week wait, I don't see why...
We're submitting an agreement that we both have signed to a judge, who will sign it in his office. Nobody has to go to court. WH has to make a deposition at his L's office (I didn't know about that part) first, though.
The former judge had these processed in a couple of weeks, but the new judge (I know a lot about him from before and he's very odd) takes 6-8 weeks before he can be bothered to put his signature on them.
I am hoping all is settled quickly for you lovely Painter.
So the freedom door is open and you may walk through it, the sunlight in your hair and the warm breeze caressing your face.
You are on the path ahead of me, I look forward to hearing your heart sing it's joyous song of liberty.
V
Tomorrow is the first anniversary for the separation. I drove 1000 miles with most of my stuff in a van. 3 weeks later, WH moved his mistress into our home in secret. No good memories.
I drown myself in art and music and activities with friends. I have a lovely weekend planned at a B&B on the lake with someone special in my life (it's a special occasion). It's still a difficult week.
I'm sorry this is a difficult week for you, but look at far you have come.
You are one brave woman who took her situation by the balls and made a life for herself.
Enjoy your weekend with your someone special.
Painter,
I remember that time. But look at it as all the obstacles you overcame and worked your way through. Incredible and I am glad You are doing great! You have and continue to make a really good life for yourself.
Hugs
J.
Thank you, both. I figure this is just a brief look in the review mirror. It's hard - losing my family and my home, still not having my own place to live, not having a secure future anymore. There's many wonderful things going on in my life, but I'm still grieving everything I've lost.
The divorce should be final next month.
I mailed the D paperwork today. I had to wait over a week to get an answer from an advising L about one of the forms I was worried about signing. We found a way to deal with it so I can feel reassured.
The next step is that WH's L will mail me the final decree for signature. Then it will go to the judge and get signed there.
It feels empty - there's not even any bad feelings there. I'm just tired of it and have a bad taste in my mouth whenever I have to deal with my past.
Yesterday I celebrated my birthday with a new 'family'. That's really what it felt like - my son and his GF, my friend and his D at a family gettogether. It's encouraging to see that it's possible to form new bonds like that, even if the innocence and much of the enthusiasm I had 16 years ago is gone. I'm much, much more cautious now. It's not a good thing - holding back in relationships is not really the solution. Hopefully it's just healthy skepticism that will fade eventually.
I've spent lots of time in the studio lately, we have a show coming up and I'm painting like crazy to get a few pieces ready.
Easter was busy with choir of course, but I've been struggling a little healthwise, but I think now that it may just be allergies. A weekend away in a very serene setting really recharged the batteries!
I spend a lot of time with great friends. I don't think I could stop GAL'ing even if I tried!
Happy Birthday Painter.
Marks a new start, and I ove the GAL news.
Grinning from ear to ear.
V
Thank you, Vanilla!
It's interesting how things can come back unexpectedly. While showering this morning, I got myself so angry over WH and how he gave OW an engagement ring while he was still living and sleeping with me and 'working on the M'. He's still denying that he gave it to her. I have told him that I know OW has told our neighbors that he gave it to her, so there's no point in upholding the lie. He still won't admit it. I guess it's hard for him to admit what a low-life he really is, even to himself.
I talked to a friend about how it's just like any other loss - it will come back and revisit at times, but hopefully get less and less painful as time goes by.
I think I'm doing pretty good overall, but I thought I'd just share.
I received the final decree for my signature yesterday, looked it over, let it sit and looked it over again this morning before I signed it. I'll be putting in the mail today.
WH brought my stepson as his witness to the deposition. I was really disgusted by that.
My feelings about it are falling away - I compared it today to foreclosing on a home. It's not what I wanted to happen, but I have to move forward.
I have some decisions to make about my life going forward. It's difficult, not because there's not a lot of options, but because there's so many! And what I want to do, is not what I should do.
A full-time, steady job would make it possible for me to buy my own home, which is part of my retirement plan. I have chronic health issues that makes me worry about my ability to do that. I wouldn't have to remain in a full-time job forever, probably for about a year. For the last two days, I've been in pain and so fatigued that it felt like I was going to faint at times - I'm worried about these issues in relation to keeping a job.
I have a part-time contract job that I would like to keep - and I I have found a way to do that (sub-contract while I work full-time). Once I secure a mortgage, I could go back to part-time work.
My wants are to keep painting and increase my production, and hopefully sell my art. I'm involved with the administration of the studio/gallery I'm a part of as well, which I truly enjoy.
I sing in a church choir, and can probably keep that up - although it's tough to always get up early on a Sunday morning. It could be that I would have to let that commitment go for a year.
I had a good practice as a holistic healer before I moved - and there is a possibility that I could get back into that. It's well paid but not guaranteed work. I could work a lot fewer hours than in a salaried job.
I would like to go back to college to finish my degree and get into a professional practice based on that. My concerns are again energy and health.
My demands are not extreme - I like to have a working car and a place to live, but I can have a roommate and keep my expenses low. I don't smoke, drink or gamble, I buy my clothes at thrift stores and do my own hair. I try to make my own coffee to save $5/day!
I need to sit down with someone to work on my career choices. There's an intuitive coach that I have met with once, I think I'll set up a new appointment with her.
I feel very blessed to have all these choices - I just wish I could figure out what to do!
Oh Painter, how wonderful.
Choices
V
Painter,
Maybe I'm getting senile,but I didn't recall all of your talents :-)Wow! I'm impressed with the things you enjoy in your life and it sounds you have met some wonderful friends.
I'm sorry you have had some difficult moments. I think most (or perhaps) all of us can agree that it's challenging to have those moments where you think, "how did I get here?" And you are right. We with through them as best we can and it's perfectly normal to feel moments of sadness.
Congratulations on the contract! I have no doubt you will be even more fabulous than even!
Thank you, both.
GB, I have had the contract for the parttime job for a year and a half, but if I get a full-time job, I have someone that would do that work for me so I wouldn't have to give up the contract - I'd just supervise. Then I could go back to doing that again later, if finances allow.
Last night, I applied for 5 jobs online. So far today, three employers have called me to set up phone interviews for the next few days. I'm kind of blown away. Of course I don't know if that means I'll get in-person interviews, but I'm extremely happy with their response speed and rate. I think the secret may have been my new resume - I read up on how to best create one when the work history is choppy and not entirely focused, and it seems to have worked!
An update from my fast-moving life:
I got a job.
A very good job that will enable me to do what I like. I don't have really high demands for luxury or toys or a big house, so I will be very happy with what I have. It means I can plan for my retirement and feel safe about my future.
I am tremendously grateful for where I am in my life. The intuitive coach that I saw helped me put together the puzzle pieces in a way that will work great without exhausting me. I can do everything I love without over-extending myself.
The D will be final any day. I'll post when it has gone through. I'm taking my maiden name back and I can't wait.
Congratulations on the job!!!!
Congrats on the job, it sounds like a perfect fit!
The D is final. Just saw the update on the court website. It feels empty - like when there's been something sitting in the corner for so long that you don't even notice it anymore, but then someone cleaned it up and the openness is kind of startling.
Painter, I remember the day our D to as final. Mr P went to court but I didn't, so I heard it from my L. I had mixed feelings, sadness for a marriage that ended for no reason, relief that it was over. Some people said congratulations, but I didn't feel that was appropriate at the time. Whatever you feel, know that it's ok, and this is a starting place for you.
Painter, I'm having a few moments of silence for your loss. I just bombed out a long post on my thread, you can skip to the last few paragraphs if you'd like...but I shared some thoughts about where I'm at now. I think each day it is ok to honor your loss and the weight you carry, but I hope that you find the same abundance that I have. Wishing you all the best P.
When you are up to it, we'd love to hear an update on what else is going on as well!
Sunny, I agree that 'congratulations' is not appropriate. Several of my friends have said that, but I don't think there's anything to celebrate. It's closure, but only in the same way a funeral is. Nobody congratulates you in a funeral, even if the person who passed was a horrible human being.
I'm glad it's been over a year of separation. It has given me time to process my emotions and move forward. I was ready to be 'uncoupled' at this point, and I told WH that he could move ahead with the D back in February, I think. I think the fast divorces are brutal on most people.
Hi Zues, good to see you around! I read your long post and enjoyed hearing about how happy you are and how you share your passions with your kids.
I notice how you focus on the things that are good, rather than complain about any disadvantages. I think you know the secret of attitude.
I'm doing quite well with the D. Of course it's not what I wanted, and a moment of silence is exactly what I'm taking time for. I still have dreams of revisiting my home and finding OW there, but it feels like closure at this point, not upset or uncertainty. In my last dream, I told her that nothing was different there except a change of personell. Then I waved dismissively and walked away. It's been enough time and very little contact (just money/business) to create a real distance. I'm really better off and much, much happier now than I was in my M.
I haven't shared a lot about what's going on in my life for privacy/legal reasons. That's less problematic now. I have spent the last year pursuing my interests and passions (painting and singing), and spending time with friends, my son and my pets - besides working parttime from home and figuring out my future path. It's a nice life and I feel very lucky and fulfilled. I enjoy the vibrant and friendly city I live in, everything is within easy reach, and there's so much going on that I like to participate in.
Tomorrow I start a fulltime job - it's time to get back to reality, and I need to get a place of my own. I hope to keep my interests as a big part of my life, but financial freedom is crucial to building a future for myself. I'm excited about the job, I have lots of experience in the field and I feel comfortable with the tasks, but it will also be challenging enough to hold my interest. It's also a 5 minute commute and well paid, so can't really complain about anything!
I have met someone special and we've been seeing each other for a while now. It's been really great, but also bumpy at times, even painful, but he is very committed and we've worked through some of our issues. We're working on the rest to see if this will be the lasting R we both wish for. He went through a D a few years ago and has been very supportive of my process.
We're a good match. I've learned a lot about what I need in a R to thrive emotionally, and I didn't get much of that in my M (our MC called it 'a desert'). Quality time is extremely important to me. I'm very independent and capable of making my own decisions, and I need quite a bit of alone time, but within a R I need a lot of emotional connection and much prefer doing things together than by myself. We're very, very similar in many ways. Sometimes that can be a challenge when both are pretty certain of themselves, or have messy baggage. But it's the most balanced and even R I've been in, I think. It's exciting to find someone who gets me and who I can really respect. I highly recommend it.
So at this point, my life feels quite complete. I can't think of anything I would want differently. If my new R doesn't last, I will still be fine. There are advantages to being single, and I would honestly have preferred to be alone a bit longer - but we can't always choose when something special comes by.
Painter, I feel so much acceptance, peace and serenity from your post. It's beautiful.
Painter, I feel so much acceptance, peace and serenity from your post. It's beautiful.
Too wonderful. Hmmmph.
Reminds me of when I was in high school, one of my health class final questions was "What can you do for someone who is terminally ill?" It's like I couldn't help myself, I remember writing "Try to shift them from acceptance back to anger..." It just seemed so funny to me. Can you imagine? "You mean you're ok with this? It doesn't seem very fair to me. I mean, why you?!?" And so on...
Seriously, it is a delight to see. Congrats painter. Glad you're finding a balance between fun and making money too. And yes, a 5 minute commute is dreamy. You can go home for lunch if you want!
OK, keep posting and we'll cross paths soon. Thanks for the kind words and take care!
Oh, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop!
Meanwhile, I'm trying to enjoy that I'm feeling happier and more fulfilled than I ever have in my life before. It's a very peaceful place to be.
I have frustrations and ups and down, of course, but I'm truly in a good place. I did not get my needs met in my M from the day it started. WH was one of those people who changed dramatically the moment the deal was done.
Just a quick update/check-in. I hope everyone is getting to enjoy the summer and relax/rebuild.
My life feels like it's on a good track. I'm in a R that has lasted quite a while now, and although it's been up and down (we both tend to think a lot, talk a lot, and be a little emotionally reactive and insecure), we feel we're on a good path and things are getting more stable. We live close to each other and spend a lot of time together.
I've been working my new full-time job for just over a month. It's been stressful and exhausting, but I enjoy it, and I like my colleagues and the company I work for. I also like the pay check
, and I'm currently looking to buy a place to live of my own. I'm planning it so I will not have a mortgage payment when I retire. It's really nice to be in charge of my own financial future and not have to compromise on decisions that I don't agree with!
Another update - I looked at a few condos and found one that hit most of the boxes, and my offer was accepted yesterday. It was quite exciting, there were several offers and the market here is very heated.
We plan to close before the end of the month, so Labor Day weekend will probably be all about moving for me.
I feel very positive about my future!
I thought it was time for a little update again.
I'm in the final stages of buying a place of my own - we're closing in a few days. This was my second goal after getting a decently paid job, and I've achieved both. After my offer was accepted, I went through a strange spell of something that almost felt like depression for a couple of weeks. It's not unusual, I read, after achieving a big goal.
The place I'm buying has 2 bedrooms and 2 full baths, so I can have a roommate, or rent it out to 2 roommates if I don't live there myself. They also allow for a dog my dog's size (hard to find). I'm so happy to make my own financial decisions - I'll be paying the condo off in 15 years so I can retire without a mortgage. My credit has gone up by over 100 points since I got separated!
My relationship is going pretty well. It's complex and has many challenges, but rewarding and safe. I have doubts and fears, and so has he - so we're taking it slowly, but with the clear goal of making this a permanent relationship. We are having discussions about living together, what it would mean for his daughter, how we would do it financially, etc. We've known each other for a year now, and dated for 9 months. It's a choice every day to stay together and work on the relationship.
My job is still taking most of my energy, and I don't know if I can keep it up. Hopefully I'll get more used to it and have more energy on the weekends to work on my art, now when I get a second bedroom to set up as a studio!
Back pain is taking me away from the computer for now... I'll be back later.