Posted By: SunFunOne 15 year survivor - 08/29/16 06:49 AM
Wow! 15 years since the most incredible shock of my life. Just after our 25th Anniversary. He got arrested for DUI and turned into the worst person I knew. Thank God I'm out of that mess.
I just texted Ashley to wish her a good morning and she wrote back "Fifteen years ago today". I have never mentioned the date so I was shocked she did. How do you forget the day your dad takes off with a maggot? (Shoot me but we still refer to her that way. Anyone who goes after a married man is a real parasite).
Last week I had to drop off something to the local police station. The only time I had ever been there before was the bomb day. I had to climb those concrete stairs where I had seen that broken man sitting after he was released from his overnight in the drunk tank. He looked like a dejected puppy. All sad and sorry. But the next get before - the cops had told me not to pick him up. That he was wild and threatening to kill me and they would not be able to get to our cottage fast enough for the domestic call they knew was going to happen if he went home. It is all a horrible nightmare.
Our divorce was one of the worst. We are barely civil today. He married the maggot and the kids barely have much to do with him because they refuse to be around her. He did ask Ashley to meet him 90 min away on Fri to celebrate her birthdays in 2 weeks. But it was convenient for him as he was seeing Ryan at the same time. What? Like he forgets that she works weekdays? At least he sent a gift.
My life is great! I'm with Josh over 12 years now. He is kind, respectful, helpful and supportive. He has stepped in like a quiet dad to my kids and especially helps out with Ryan. Ex sees Ry about 4 times a year for 2 hours. And usually complains about something I'm doing wrong. Ryan loves living up north. Has friends, great parks to visit and we even got him swimming in our lake this summer, out in the boat & in the hot tub.
Just planning to purchase a new vehicle for him - one made just for wheelchairs at the factory, pretty cool!
So 15 years ago is mostly a distant memory. I was just kind of surprised that Ash hit me with that when I woke up. But it's a memory best buried of a time I'd rather forget.
Posted By: job Re: 15 year survivor - 08/29/16 07:02 AM
It's been a long time, hasn't it? It's a distant memory, but it tends to raise its ugly head every once in a while. The children will never forget the date and what their father has done not only to you, but to them and the family unit.

He has never dealt w/his issues and the "Maggot" is the crutch he uses to keep from dealing w/what he has done. Oh, yeah, he comes out of his hole every once in a while to play out his role as a dad but let's face it, he's not the father the children can look up to and respect. He lost all respect from those who knew and loved him. For this, I feel very sorry for him. Family is the most important jewel in the tiara and yet, he tossed it all away a long time ago.

Barb, you've handled your situation w/grace and dignity. You went on w/your life, faced everything that has come your way and have a wonderful man, Josh, in your life. No matter how many lemons that are tossed your way, you have found a way to make lemonade out of them.

I'm glad you are getting a new vehicle for Ryan. You are blessed w/three beautiful, loving and caring children. Please don't allow this date to ruin your day. Focus on all of the positives that came from the nightmare.

Enjoy your day!
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: 15 year survivor - 08/30/16 04:56 AM
Thanks Job! The day came and the day went. I feel nothing for him. I'd barely seen the younger 2 recently myself - hard to get to Toronto where Brandon lives and Ashley is having the time of her life with her new man, new job - plans all the time.
But Ash stopped in after work yesterday and we are making plans to celebrate her birthday in the way she chooses. We can go out on her actual day but she chose another day so that Josh can go too. That was thoughtful of her.
And I was in Toronto last Thursday and popped in to surprise Brandon at work. He was so happy to see me. I gave him a SunFun TShirt (for my cottage business) and he liked that. (Ash didn't think he would).
Forgot to mention how well the cottages are doing. Already surpassed last year's rentals and income and still have 6 weeks to go! I had over a hundred requests for Labour Day weekend. And 100% of my guests told me they can't wait to come back. So I must be doing something right.
I bought the car for Ry. It's an MV1 (looks it up). Kind of ugly but very very efficient. Our van is 2009 - not old - but it has never lived up to my expectations as the ramp was added. The MV1 is the only vehicle on the market where the ramp is planned and built in from the ground up and it is power! I just hope the girls treat it with the respect it deserves and keep it clean and nice.
Back to SunFun today. New guests to check in. Lovely day. Can't wait!
Posted By: Rouky Re: 15 year survivor - 08/30/16 01:14 PM
I find your post inspiring that shows that there is a beautiful life after betrayal. That is what I needed to hear today. Thank you.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: 15 year survivor - 08/31/16 04:15 AM
I'm glad my post helps. I was here every day for at least 12 years. In the early months, years I really thought I could somehow fix my marriage. I tried everything. But I couldn't even fix my divorce. Because it takes 2 to want it. And now I can't even figure out how I could have WANTED it. I think I wanted to maintain the status Quo and I was afraid of the future.

I learned through all this that the only thing I could fix was me. I could change my vision of my future. I could take steps to make that happen. And I did.

I did not run into Josh in the grocery store - I went looking. I got clear with myself about what a suitable partner would be for me. I really didn't think that man would exist and I was definitely smart enough to know that he would not meet all my criteria. But I got my priorities straight. No man would ever come before my children - I still had a confused teen daughter, a severely disabled son and an angry young man (other son) and they needed me more than ever. I needed a man, not to "complete" me but to "compliment" me. And I am so glad I found that man. A man who was "complete" and would have gone along just fine without me but also found that I complimented him.

I wish that we had more than our few short years of life - it just all goes by so quickly. And I don't want to waste any more time worrying about ex and his crap. It would be great if he spent more time worrying about his effect on his children but I can't control what he does. I can only try to minimize the effect on them by providing them the best parental model that I can.

I live in a Happy Place. It took some time and a lot of changes to get to this place. But that's my best advice. Find what, where and with whom you are happiest and recreate your life from there.


Posted By: JksD Re: 15 year survivor - 08/31/16 04:50 AM
Thank you, Barb. I needed this too today.

I am going to start on my journey to my happy place with kid.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: 15 year survivor - 09/02/16 02:40 PM

I'm glad my post helped. This is a good time. New month, new season, new school year. Fresh start.

You WILL find your happy place. You will look back on day and pat yourself on the back. For surviving one of the toughest things ever. But you will be proud of whom you've become.

Posted By: Rouky Re: 15 year survivor - 09/19/16 02:07 PM
Barb your post are so inspiring that just reading them it makes me happy, and I can see myself having a good future. I came here thinking that I could save my marriage, but it takes two to want it. Thank you so much.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: 15 year survivor - 09/20/16 07:42 AM
Thanks for posting Rouky,

I came here with the same expectations and DBd my butt off. But it was not meant to be. I failed to look at not sing my marriage as an option. But without the journey - I would never have made it to the dream destination.

Stay true to yourself is my best advice. Pursue what makes you happy.

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