Time for a new thread.
Still finding Dory. Twas a bitter-sweet day as I have finally completed the sale of my bew flat. I had always wanted my own place but doesn't expect to get my wish granted as a D mother of 1.
Met my new neighbours who will be aharing the same lift lobby with me. Not a very friendly couple with a young toddler. Bummer. With luck, we shouldn't have to see them that often.
Poledancing is fun. I think I should really change my lessons to the weekends.
Previous thread:
Finding Dory
Don't worry about how you got your new flat! Doesn't matter how you got there, you are there! You and kid have a nice place you are both making your own. And who knows, some day down the line, some guy might be lucky enough to share it with you.
get to know the couple a little more. Who knows. Some people seem offputting, but just need to get comfortable.
I thought my college roommate (I went away one year) was snobby by our interactions on the phone. And we became the fastest friends and super close. She's one of the coolest girls I know, and 18 years later, we still stay in touch and attended eachothers weddings.
I seriously have no clue when I became such an optimist. But run with it with me!
Welcome and enjoy your next stage!!
Congrats on the new flat. I pray you have many happy memories there.
Think of it as a new fresh beginning, everything decorated the way you want.
I am loving that you are enjoying poledancing! That's such a cool GAL!!
Congratulations to you!! It is great to have your own place - enjoy yourself making it just how you want it...xxx
Thank you everyone for your well wishes! It seems that there is a removable dance pole so I may just be able to squeeze in 9ne at my new place.
Congrats lovely JksD,
You have come such a long way. Take a moment my friend to enjoy this moment. I am so happy for you and lovely girl. May you find peace and joy in this new place.
Here's too long evenings with you and your removeable dance pole!!!
lots of love JksD. Miss you always my friend
JellyBxxx
Lovely Jellyb!
I am so happy to hear about a new phase in your life.
You are a wonderful and gorgeous lady and you deserve all the awesomeness in your life!
Bruises
Haven't seen you since high school
Good to see you're still beautiful
Gravity hasn't started to pull
Quite yet I bet you're rich as hell
One that's five and one that's three
Been two years since he left me
Good to know that you got free
That town I know was keeping you down on your knees
These bruises make for better conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let you in again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses, we all got bruises
We all got bruises
Have you seen him? Not in years
How about her? No but I hear
She's in Queens with the man of her dreams
Funny back then she said that about you
Que sera you'll never guess who I saw
Remember Johnny B remember him we were best friends practically
Let's do this soon again, ten years is that what it's been?
Can't believe how time flies by
Leaving you makes me wanna cry
These bruises make for better conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let you in again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses, we all got bruises
We all got bruises
I would love to fix it all for you
I would love to fix you too
Please don't fix a thing whatever you do
These bruises make for better conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to know you've got a friend
That you remember now and then
Everybody loses
These bruises make for better conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let you in again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses,everybody loses, everybody loses
We all got bruises, We all got bruises, We all got bruises
What an apt song this is. It even talks about the bruises from my pole dancing.
Congratulations on the new flat! You might not have expected to arrive here the way you did, but now that you're here...make it amazing!
Btw...pole dancing sounds fun. I had a neighbor about 10 years ago who moonlighted as a dancer and offered to teach me on the pole in her living room. In retrospect, I always wished I'd taken her up on it. But hey...who knows what the future holds?
Thanks, Anna!
You really should try pole dancing. It's a great workout. Not so excited about the bruises and the callouses though but hey there are always tradeoffs in life.
I am aching all over after my circuit training and pole dancing. I didn't know that there are so many different places in my body that can ache.
Work is yucky this few weeks. Nasty clients with unfair and unkind accusations.
Met another client who saw me after work with kid. This is a new client who had always known me as Ms. Dory. The way she reacted when she saw me with kid made me feel like I was violated by the D again. And I could feel the scarlet letter etched on my forehead blazing away painfully.
You see, in my part of the world, and in my conservative profession, Ms is used for single women. Somebody tell these ignoramuses that Ms is meant to be marital status neutral.
How degrading it is for me as woman to be judged wholly by the lack of a wedding ring on my finger. And to be judged thus by other women who should know better.
I totally agree with Madeleine Albright that there's a special place in hell for women who do not help other women. And I have a feeling that it's getting pretty crowded.
I don't know if you can call this a breakthrough but my mum has finally admitted that she has a problem with her memory. And has finally decided to seek help.
We were in the car with kid the other day and kid was looking at the pics in my mum's phone. They were looking at a pic taken with my friend and her family just last year and couldn't remember who that kid was. For a moment, she thought it was my brother. Kid was exasperated/ scared and she told my mum that it was my friend's kid. Kid could tell that my mum was losing it too.
The mean and nasty side of her does come out pretty often. Today I finally broke down in the car and told her how unsupported I felt and how her words were making my depression worse.
I told her that I had been the good girl trying to make everyone happy all these years and in the end, nobody appreciated my efforts. Kid and I suffer despite the best of my intentions.
I told her I was very tired. That I was tired of taking the high road while getting crapped on left right and centre by family and at the work place. I don't know how we managed to get to where we wanted to go when I was sobbing away incoherently.
I am glad that we survived the car ride because I think I finally got my message through to my mum. She even acknowledged that the x had indeed spent a lot of time with her when we were married, even though he probably wanted to do his own thing.
I am tired. I am trying but I am very tired. I think my mum will finally stop being critical of the way I manage the x's access to kid.
I told her how stressed kid was. I told her about kid's hair loss but I didn't tell her that kid was deliberately pulling out her hair.
I told her about how kid was acting out - she had hidden the xil's keys because she was angry at them for casting me away.
When kid told me about the incident, I laughed it off as a childish antic but told kid it wasn't told nice of her to do that. I told kid that they loved her even if they didn't love me but I can see how the whole ordeal has scarred kid.
I have hidden my hurt from kid. With the x, i am as civil and cirdial as I can possibly be but kid's smart and I bet she hears things that she doesn't tell me about.
Over at my twilight zone, Murphy law reigns. And karma is a no-show.
But as my alter ego would say, Just keep swimming.
I promise, it gets better. Take care of yourself.
I have read bits of your thread -- I'm not on the board as regularly as I used to be, but I wanted to just respond a little more fully.
My mom wasn't at all helpful while I was going through the separation and divorce. She was pretty hurtful, actually. Eventually I went from calling her every day to not calling her for weeks at a time. Every month or so she would call me, spit her news out at me, and get off the phone within about 5 minutes. I would try to engage her but she would just rush me off. All it did was generate bad feelings on both sides.
Last September she came up to help me move in to my new place (they live about 800 miles away from me). She BLASTED me for 45 minutes of screaming with how I never called her, etc. Every time I tried to get a word in edgewise she would very defensively scream over me about how I was WRONG and she was the one who was hurting.
About thirty minutes in I realized that she wasn't engaging like a person who wanted to have a good, mutual relationship. She has a vision for what she wants but *who* I am doesn't really fit that vision. So I just shut up and let her finish. I tried to put a bit of a patch over it for her sake and just realized that we werne't going to have what either of us wanted.
Realizing that and putting a boundary around my interactions with her has made my life better. I am consistent about investing in people who want to actually see me. I miss having a mom who could provide me with wisdom and support, but at least I'm not so constantly aware of all the ways I disappoint her.
What I'm trying to tell you is, keep an eye on your own mental and emotional health. Do what you need to do to support that. Recognize that there are things your mom is good for and things she will never be good for, and grieve the loss where necessary. But you are sufficient. You can handle all this. You may be tired sometimes, you may feel alone sometimes, but you ARE sufficient. Your daughter is struggling but she has you and that's a lot. Seek out people who can help you with what you need (it took me 12 years to find the right support for parenting my D13, but those people came along, eventually). Put a boundary around the people who can't be healthy for you. You don't have to chuck them but just limit the ways they can hurt you.
I promise, it really gets better. Just keep your eye on the prize. I am so grateful for the journey I've been on. It hasn't been easy at all, but it has been 100% worth it.
Thanks Maybell!
I get what you're saying. I have learnt to put boundaries and walls between people who do not learn and respect me for who I am.
But it's hard when it's your own mother. My mum is a good woman increasingly lost in the vice-like grip of dementia. I know I have to put some distance between the two of us but it hurts because it seems that there is no one else to watch her back.
But I know I have to compartmentalise or I will go crazy.
Decades of being a people pleaser is such a difficult thing to unlearn and undo.
I just wanted to stay you are quite a loving and understanding woman. I'm glad you were able to express your feelings with your mom. I have no doubt she loves you just as you love her. You handle such a tough situation with loving grace.
Sending big hugs to you from my part of the world. I'm quite gobsmacked at the way you get treated for being a divorced woman. That's just cray cray!
I'm sorry you've had a bad time with your mom. It's good that she is starting to realise that she needs some help. But I feel for you that you haven't had the support from her that you should have. Yet despite her support, you are still doing so amazingly well.
Very proud of you and your strength lovely lady
Dear Ginger and Cherry,
Thanks for swinging by and your lovely words of support.
My sitch with mum seems to be improving but her health, memory and logic are deteriorating for sure. It guts me to see the way she is so I am still trying to find out how much contact is mutually beneficial for both of us.
Past few weeks have been a struggle with the D anniversary, my poor health and a short sojourn into enemy territory.
Didn't see TPT. There's something in me that would relish meeting her at her workplace and having her realise that it was not fear but compassion and grace that stopped me from exposing their A. But I am not going to keep quiet anymore.
What is curious is that when I met the x, we both did a double take. I am pretty sure annoyance was written all over my face but the x seemed pleasantly surprised. I was a bit disappointed as I sort of wanted him to be piss scared of the fact that I could expose their lies. But maybe he knows me better than I know myself.
He seemed to want to interact with me but I was like, so, you really want to have explain to your colleagues that I am your xw and why and how I became your xw?
What warped thinking was going on in his head? Maybe he thought that I was going to give them my blessings?
Ugh.
I am finding the urge to shed off my Dory skin and moult into girl on fire. Heart on sleeve is still getting in the way.
I need girl on fire to survive this gruelling period.
Reno-wise, my contractor is starting to annoy me with his last minute requests for info and items that he needs and tardiness in answering to my queries. Need to start watching the works more closely.
I am getting more and more motivated to go to the gym. I am glad that I joined my current gym, not so much for the equipment but for the many classes that I can drop in at my convenience. The thrill of buying and working out in cute outfits add to the fun of course. Plus the fact that there are cute and hunky instructors.
Pole dancing class stops for a week and I can't wait for it to resume. I can see myself doing this for a long time. I have promised myself that when I am more proficient, I will buy myself the cute itsy bitsy workout gear that the girls in my class wear confidently, regardless of body shapes or sizes.
And tomorrow, burlesque.
Heck, when life throws you lemons, squeeze them into lemonades with thighs of steel as you whirl, twirl and gyrate.
My life goal? Even if I am going to be alone at the age of 80, I am going to be one decent-looking and fun-loving 80 year old.
I'm so sorry for your mom's health. That must be hard to watch.
Pole-dancing! Burlesque! I wish I had your daring.
Congratulations on having an awesome vision in place. Something tells me there's someone out there who will really, really appreciate having a personal pole-dancer in his life when you're eighty!
Heart-on-sleeve girl, there is nothing wrong with who you are. There is beauty in being soft and kind and open with your heart. Your compassion and kindness is your strength.
So many people want to strike back when they have been hurt, and while it's an understandable impulse, it takes a special person to be able to show compassion and grace to someone who doesn't deserve it. I think you're inspiring.
I want to give you my love and thank you for all your support, I am taking a break for a little while, resetting, and focusing on some close to home issues, and well, work!
Always take pride in how you handle yourself with your mom, with your ex and TPT. take pride in being you kid's rock and trying new things and living life.
Exposure is tempting, I exposed right in the beginning. My dad did the exposure of my ex for him at work. My dad had gotten him the job in the court system my dad worked in for 35 years where he was well respected. My dad made sure he landed in the same court house he retired from. My dad was not very happy.
But in the long run, my ex didn't care he was exposed. I don't think OWW ever was. I exposed to ex's friends, and well, they are his friend's and they didn't care.
Just keep your held up high, chickie. Nothing feels better than that
Heck, when life throws you lemons, squeeze them into lemonades with thighs of steel as you whirl, twirl and gyrate.
My life goal? Even if I am going to be alone at the age of 80, I am going to be one decent-looking and fun-loving 80 year old.
The thoughts you have placed in my head with this are making me all hot and bothered now. Why would you do that to me?
Lemons squeezed with sexy thighs of steel and a hot grandma....where do I sign up to see this?
Just swinging by to catch up with one of my favorites. I am trying to come back from my little game of hide and go seek and hang out with my peeps.
I hope you are doing well with your challenges.
You are in my prayers and I look forward to our future pole dancing challenges.
Hmmm, is that kinda sacrilege to say that?
I hope not.
Be well my sweet friend.
Just a drive by to see how my pole dancing, thighs of steel, GAL challenging, and future hot grandma is doing.
I hope all is well, and was thinking of ya as I have been putting some things in order on my journey here.
Be well until we catch up again.
(((((JksD))))))
Annab, Ginger, and SH,
Thanks for dropping by.
Things have not been good.The x is marrying the TPT, as I always thought they would. And yup, they got together a few years before BD, prob just before or after she was widowed.
Exposure by this time is moot. I guess even my efforts to mend the M were moot and futile in light of everything.
As usual, the x was angry at me for everything. For pushing him into tpt's arms because I cut him off, for trying to negotiate a more reasonable access schedule for kid because evefything is about me and me only.
I have this perverse wish to keep talking to him because it only proves the point that I can only move forward. I have no idea why he hates me so much. I must have hurt him a lot, and/ or he just needs to vilify me to ease his conscience.
Kid is so gutted. She asks if I have ever been so upset that I wanted to die. I told her that I would be heartbroken if anything happened to her. She keeps asking me if this is a dream.
Kid and I are hurting and reeling from this blow. I realised that TPT would have met his whole family and they probably loved her. So much for 10 years of my life.
I am devastated. I am ashamed of my devastation and my realisation that I still have feelings for him. But I am coming to see the futility of trying to convince someone who refuses to let go of the hurt.
I wish him well and I am glad that he has found what it is that he's looking for. I just wished that we didnt have to be collateral damage.
I will probably be taking a break to regroup.
Be well, my friends.
Hi Jksd, I'm sorry to hear that news, which must be painful to you (((big hugs))).
I think it's important to only take responsibility for your part here. When you guys were together, your behaviour didn't drive him into anyone else's arms. However, I'm sure that all of us hurt our spouses in some ways...I don't think it's possible to live closely with someone without some hurt - intentional or otherwise.
However, in this picture is also his part and it doesn't sound as though he's seeing that. It's not uncommon for that to be the case is it? I think it can take some time to reflect on things and take a balanced view, owning your part. Some people get there and some don't.
Be careful with the thinking about his family. I also struggled with this - OW taking 'my' place with in-laws etc. My guess is they may reluctantly tolerate her and do their best to get along. It may well stop short of them thinking she's great - particularly given the infidelity.
I'm sorry that you are both hurting so much. Do try to let go of the need to contact him and keep it to essentials only. You know where he's at and he probably doesn't have much to offer just now. Who knows that may change at some point, but best to leave him be I would say. I was sad to read your daughter's comment. I always think it must be hard to be the child in all of this and have to live with the (sometimes not great) choices of others. I wonder if it might help her to talk with someone; does her school have a pastoral care programme with counselling support?
I understand your need to take a break from the forum, but you know we are always here if you want to post.
In the meantime, do take care and focus on processing and healing from this latest development.
Big hugs to you both ((((hugs)))) xx
I just saw this and I just want to stop by and offer you all the love and support I can. I'm sorry your kid feels so sad, I know there are so many life changes going on in the past few years. Thank God for her mom, her rock, her support, and the two of you will get through this.
Please do your best to not pay much mind to the anger your ex has towards you. Is cannot take responsibilities for his own actions and decisions, which are not yours to own. He needs to justify everything to himself. That's all.
Please hang in there, and when you are ready to come back, everyone is here for you
Grl, I'm sorry it's such a tough time for you right now. Hang in there (((GRL)))
JksD...it speaks to the kind of human being you are that you can still sit back and wish him well after all he has done to you.
Please don't accept one bit of the blame he is casting in your direction. You did not "push him" into anyone's arms. He made a choice not to honor his commitments and act with integrity. It doesn't matter what was happening or not happening in your marriage at the time. It was still his choice to deal with his needs in a healthy manner or not, and he chose wrong. His fault. And knowing he got with the OW *years* before BD? He didn't even give you a chance to fix things. You deserved that much.
I am so sorry your kiddo is struggling too. My D started self harming and talking about wanting to die this past year, and it just makes me so angry at him and his "children are resilient and people get divorced every day." It's painful to see them suffer and not be able to fix it.
Thinking of you both!!
Grl, I am so very sorry. I can only imagine the pain that you are feeling, and learning that it had been going on for years before is awful. Don't pay any mind to his thoughts that you pushed him to her, ain't nobody got a gun to his head!! And to rush straight into another m with someone is foolish on both accounts, he won't have learnt how to address his issues, and as for her- well if he could do this to you, he could quite easily do it to her. But that is the kind of karma that a beach like her deserves.
I'm sorry to hear what kid said, I hate that our ex's think that this will not harm the children. It's simply not fair on them whatsoever. Keep yourself strong and well. Keep focusing on you.
Hugs and love to you my lovely
Grl, I am so sorry that you and your daughter are feeling so low about this latest betrayal. Well, actually learning that you were being betrayed the whole time you were trying to hold it all together.
I have only been following you since you moved here to Surviving, but felt compelled to go back and read thru your past threads today, because your descriptions of your ex remind me so much of the Hs of several of my other friends on here. Sort of charming lying, cheating, self centered guys, lacking in empathy, lashing out when things don't go their way. Blaming everything that ever went wrong on their wife. Refusing to accept any responsibility for anything. Your ex sounds like a narcissistic sort of man, and I feel so sorry for your daughter.
It broke my heart to read you writing something about you wondering why he is so tender and loving with TP, shares his thoughts and emotions with her, yet is so callous and negative and unloving with you and your daughter. And assuming that ex's family loves TP? Well, what makes you think this? Of course he is, as you say, vilifying you to ease his conscience and rationalize his actions. Maybe there is a grain of truth in that there is something in the way she treats him that plays to his ego, makes him feel like a big man. But I bet you 17 donuts that will change once they are actually married. He was wonderful to you when you were dating too. That did not last long.
I think you know my ex's OW, RT (the Russian Tramp) lived in Moscow. She came here to the US and he went over there a couple of times before we got divorced. I imagined they were doing all kinds of fabulous stuff. He was cranky and lazy and sullen and sick, and we had a SSM for at least the past 20 years, but I imagined them out dancing and dining in elegant restaurants, making love in fancy hotels, a sort of mental mix between Dr. Zhivago and the Orient Express for some strange reason. I used to try to listen thru his bedroom door when they skyped, convinced they were constantly exchanging vows of undying love.
But that was all a big fat lie that I had made up in my head. Now that she is here and they are married, I can see that their relationship is no better than ours was, and that he treats her like he treated me. She insists on going everywhere with him because she knows he cheated on me, and does not trust him.
Please don't be hard on yourself because you still have some feelings for your ex. I think that's natural, he's your daughter's dad, he was your beloved husband. It's really been just about a year, hasn't it? Give yourself time to heal, Grl, you will get stronger and stronger. And able to forgive him, TP and yourself for what went wrong, and move on.
I hope you are feeling better, and that things are improving with your mom too, and that your new flat is coming along. I'm glad you are morphing back into a Girl on Fire! It suits you!
You can try but you'll never forget her name
She's on top of the world
Hottest of the hottest girls say
This girl is on fire...
I just want to say I love RL's post to you.
she's right.
I hope you are doing well.
My dear DB friends,
I am very touched by your support and love.
I haven't really posted because I have been struggling with the blow, kid, work and horrible renovation works. I am starting to think that I have very poor taste in men indeed...
The (first wave of the) tempest has passed. And when I was struggling, I would lurk in my own thread and read your posts and feel the love emanating from them. And then ugly cry in my marathon pity parties.
And of course, there was the lovely offline support from darlings like V, ARose and tl2.
All this support and kindness was what kept me going.
The past few weeks were very, very dark and I pray to God that these are lessons that I will never have to go through again. But I know I must learn well or I am doomed to repeat them.
I am thankful that there is still enough of Dory in me to keep hope alive, and there is enough of katniss in me to set me on fire and protect myself and kid.
And if I ever start a new thread, I think I know what to call it.
And for what it's worth, I guess the x did try, in his own way.
I (insert swear words here) hate him and TPT right now but to give credit where credit is due, he did try.
Of course, it would seem that he tried harder with TPT.
Anyways, because surrendering and giving up on life is not an option, this fish is on fire.
Watch this space.
Nothing exciting to update on.
Still struggling with my inverted positions, among other things.
Kid said something touching/ bittersweet that broke my heart all over again but I am not up to posting about it today. Spoiler alert: it has something to do with Colbie Cailat's Try.
I have a big worry that when all this is over, I may just become a Tinwoman, and be doomed to yearning for a heart for the rest of my life.
What I would like to do is to rant about the no- good contractor who tried very unsuccessfully to hit on me. And is now making my life quite miserable with his incompetence and his lies. I am seriously not surprised if he was a WWH.
He is the most narcissistic person I have ever met at such close counter. Eye - opening. And like a true narcissist, he only showed his colours after I signed the contract with him and then refused to show the slightest interest in him personally.
He can't stop telling me that people don't believe his actual age. (I do believe his age.) He got very annoyed when I absolutely refused to be involved with him personally.
Reading the messages he sent me after he screwed up his work big time and got angry with me when I wanted to improve communication and accountability, I couldn't help but chuckle wearily at how much he sounded like a certain someone I know. And for goodnesses' sake, I am his client. How juvenile and unprofessional can he be? I can imagine him stomping his foot and pouting as he was texting me.
Omg. Is there something about me that keeps attracting men like him?
With my warped sense of humour, I can't help but feel that this is some divine intervention telling me not to touch him with a 10- foot pole. Message received loud and clear.
Not that I was ever considering him in a romantic manner after what I managed to find out about him. I can only thank God that my radar for potential creeps is not that broken after all.
And maybe this whole fiasco is keeping me from becoming obssessed with kid's father's impending nuptial. There has to be a silver lining somewhere, right? Right?
Just read about Brangelina split. Angelina is a wonderful humanitarian and all but I have always felt sorry for Jennifer Anniston.
Call me evil but I consider this my silver lining for the day.
With my warped sense of humour, I can't help but feel that this is some divine intervention telling me not to touch him with a 10- foot pole. Message received loud and clear.
JksD,
Speaking of divine intervention...
In my lack of wisdom, I started using a few dating apps on my cell phone. As I looked at the pictures, all I could think was that I must be walking through Walmart on a busy Friday night. It wasn't good. Then, this morning, I opened one of the apps and it had found the perfect match for me; my number one match was a pansexual. I didn't even know what a pansexual was. I've taken that as an indicator that I need to uninstall the apps and get back to my GAL activities.
I am not laughing at you, doodler. But thanks for the chuckle.
Pansexual would be multi-sexual?
Next to you, my contractor is looking more and more incompetent.
Warning:
No rainbow poop nor unicorn farts ahead. Just a very weary rant. Hoping that perhaps the rant could turn into a useful vent.
Contractor from hell has evolved to the next level of evilness.... Communicating with him is such a toxic experience that it just [censored] the life out of me.
How wayward is the contractor? Let me count the ways.
1. He spews.
He spews because despite the terms in his contract that he should provide services and works of good quality and finishing, he is now upset that I am pointing out the areas that need to be touched up or are different from is agreed upon.
2. He has the right to change his mind and schedule all the time but you don't have the right to have a mind of your own. And don't you dare to tell him this fact.
'Why do you need a double sink in the bathroom? You have o many people using your bedroom?'
3. He lies. When confronted with evidence (texts and emails), he spins more lies and tries to gaslight you. In fact, he tries to gaslight everyone around you.
There was no painting done when he said work was done. He lied in text and on the phone that there was. My family (2 of them helped me check) were there and the contractor accused them of lying.
4. Because nothing is his fault. EVERYTHING, and I mean, EVERYTHING is your fault.
It doesn't matter that his 3D drawings show white walls and he asked you if the colours were okay and you said okay.
Him:
How dare you want to change the grey walls to white? So what if there is a patch of white stucco walls in the middle of all these grey walls? Why can't you trust my professionalism?
Don't you know the 3d drawings are only for illustration purposes??? (Someone enlighten me on this. He lost me at hello.)
So, his 3d drawings are not to be trusted? If he shows white walls, I should expect grey??? How do I get this guessing game correct?
And the beauty is that in the very next breath, he blames me for playing the pity game by saying that I trusted his professionalism when it came to the cabling of the air-conditioning in the house.
He needed the installation done so that he could paint the walls. I told him I could not be there and I knew nothing about the wiring of the air-conditioning and asked if he could help coordinate.
He said he could and asked the installers to liaise with me directly. So I went ahead and bought the air-conditioning and gave his number to the installers.
I had the shock of my life when I saw the installation. No wonder he didnt send me any pictures to update. There was an F- shaped trunking on the wall. I guess I was lucky it wasn't followed by a U shaped trunking.
I don't know what the contractor did to piss off the installers but it took me lots of cash and 2 wasted afternoons to get rid of the F shaped trunking.
No. That was not his fault. That was my fault. Even though I wasn't even there.
And even though I had given him the measurement of all my appliances before work started and I had bought anything, he had the gall to tell me that there was a serious issue with my cooking hood because there was a beam obstructing the installation of the chimney hood.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is definitely my fault that a concrete beam sprouted along my kitchen wall overnight. As a professional contractor, there was no way he could have predicted this phenomenon.
I used to think that one could be a professional even if your personal life was somewhat messy and complicated. Apparently when it cones to this contractor, I am so wrong.
5. He can't wait to get rid of me. Because I am the most unreasonable, dishonest, picky and colour-blind customer he has ever had.
Phew, if I haven't had a trial run in the decimation of my character for the past few years, I would have been devastated by his claims.
And I haven't had spent a decade of my life with him. So there's definitely no problem dropping him like a sack of potatoes on fire.
Signing off wearily,
Girl not so on fire
JksD,
If you ever need a pansexual contractor, just ring me up.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this BS. I would fire the a hole. I hope you didn't pay all up front. It seems as if he breached his contract in many ways so you wouldn't be help liable.
I would make that A hole put in 3 sinks and tell him I
It is none of his business who the sinks are for.
Seriously fire him, give him a horrible awful review on whatever online review service is popular where you live and tell him to shove it.
Find a nice cute contractor who is not a narcissist and treats you with respect.
Sheesh Grl, I've heard of people having trouble with a contractor, but never so many things at once. Is this guy licensed? He sounds so incompetent, and arrogant. Deadly combination!
I agree with Ginger, you should complain about him. To what ever body licenses him, and also online, as G suggests.
Did he never hear the adage "the customer is always right"? The customer decides what color she wants her walls painted, whether she wants stucco or not, how many sinks she wants in her bathroom. Those are NOT his decision!
(((JKSD)))
Ugh how frusturating!! I hope there's someone you can report him to. It's hard to find a good contractor. A lot of them do the same here, and you really have to know your stuff. I'm glad your not letting him bully you.
You blamed yourself for a lot of your marital problems. Now you know there really wasn't much you could of done differently. So no guilt or regrets. You had a even younger child at the time and that says a lot about TP and hubby. They deserve each other!
Just hang in there. We all go through rough patches. It won't last forever. And you really do have power over your own happiness.
(And yeah...hearing about brad and Angelina made me happy as well. lol )
Hugs...juju
Drive by hug for my favorite pole dancing DB friend
(((((((((Grl)))))))))
Doodler, Ginger,Rosalinda, SH and JJB,
Thanks for swinging by.
Narcissistic contractor from hell is still making my life miserable. Sub - standard works and all the blame shifting.
Consumer protection svcks where I am and I will have to wait till everything is done b4 I blow him up on social media....
I can only say what an eye- opening experience. Now I know what a true blue dyed in the wool narcissist look like.
What an idiot I am for ignoring the warning signs on google....
You are not an idiot. Hind sight vision is 20/20. Ignore his blame shifting. Karma will come back around to him, I am sure of it.
Why are you heartbroken? Over the contractor? I hope nothing bigger.
hang in there, love
What's up, Grl? We are here for you.
Stand tall JksD. You are the winner. Your ex is not worth being broken hearted over. Nor is that crappy contractor. Cut them both free and live your life Grl. Go back to being that Grl on Fire, know that you are free to fly away, leaving them all in flames.
Ginger, Sunny and Rosalinda,
Thank you for the love.
The deed is done. The x has married tpt on Thursday secretively.
I was driving and praying when I suddenly had a very clear impression that they were married.
True enough, they were when I checked the next day.
I couldn't sleep the whole night. On one hand, I know that I had tried the best that I could and I had loved the x very imperfectly in my own way. I could have done better on hindsight but no point crying over split milk.
It wasn't what he needed but I wished that he had done the decent thing by ending our M civilly instead of going through the outbursts. And that he had been more decisive instead of giving us so many false hopes.
I hope I will never have to hear kid wail the way she did when she learnt that they were going to get married. And her utter look of disbelief when she learnt that they were, broke my heart again.
I can see how the dysfuntional dynamics of both sides of the families contributed to the unhappiness and the demise. Even for my own parents.
I don't know if there is going to be another R or M. But I know there are lessons to be learnt.
My heart is broken. So is kid's.
That plus the many problems that I am facing with the renovation and kid.
And every night I am sleepless. When will all these end?
No, it's not an easy road. It's not. But giving up is not an option.
I am still grateful for kid, and the many wonderful DB friends for their online and offline support, who reached out to me despite their own pain and difficulties.
I'm sorry to hear that Sweetie - that must be hard to learn. Certainly in my own sitch, I expect to hear that kind of news at some point too...
You have a lot going on in terms of renovation and you are understandably feeling stressed - then this news on top of that - and your D's distress too. that's a lot to deal with and do look after yourself as best you can during this difficult phase. When we struggle to sleep, everything feels a challenge too...
Know this my lovey - your renovations will come to an end and you can enjoy your new place. The news of his M will also help to bring further closure I hope. Whilst you will grieve, I hope it will also help you further release and move on.
Do take care and I pray for easier times ahead xx
Oh honey!! I do wish we were not on opposite sides of the world so I could give you a big hug.
I can't actually believe your contractor, he started off trying to woo you, and now he is a full blown douche.. maybe some little narcissist doesn't like not getting his own way. Boohoo. I would make him a lovely cup of coffee with a little laxatives in there, but don't let him use your bathroom or either of your two sinks! What an absolute idiot!! Make sure you give him the absolute worst review and complain to whatever governing agency you can. Hopefully, he will be done and out of your home soon so you and kid can relax in your new place.
I am so sorry to hear about wh and that puta! This is possibly one of the worst things any of us can hear after the bd. I know this too is probably something I will face too in the future. I can't help but think this isn't going to end well for your wh, seems like a bit of a rushed thing to me (I know that doesn't comfort you). I don't know what else to say really except that my heart goes out to you and your daughter. Keep focussed on you two the best you can. You've been through so much pain already, you are a tough mamacita! I hope you have people around you who can help look after you through this situation.
Much much love and prayers
Thanks, Cherry.
Something tells me that tpt is pressuring him because she wants respectability and she wants to have a kid to secure her position in the family.
Something too tells me that there may be drama from tpt and her family.
Their circus, their monkeys.
Exactly. You can't escape karma. Nor can you live comfortably knowing you've married a man who was a married man when you found him. Sooner or later, cracks appear, you realise you can't trust him, and the way you get him, is the way you loose him.
And that is the reality of the ow (sorry angelina but it's true).
And when this day happens, I'll sit sipping tea watching.
When that day comes, I will bring along the popcorn and the snacks and we'll watch , 'When Karma strikes'.
If it doesn't, and tpt is really a fairy who farts roses and poops rainbow coloured poop, then kid's father is one hellava lucky man. And I hope that I will also be one hellava lucky woman.
Sotto, thanks for your lovely wishes! All these will and must pass, unless I am reliving some sort of groundhog's day.
Sweetheart
Big hugs, there really isn't much I can say, it [censored] and horrible TPT appears to have won. I expect to hear that WH is M soon to this RIT.
It's abouthe resources.
One small consolation for me is that these awful men go for resourced women to target. Gotta have good supply.
It seems dark and your time will come.
Love you lots.
You have your child and true love in your heart today.
V
I'm sure you will be a lucky woman, you're a fantastic catch!
I agree with V, when I think of my S, I feel that same rush of love I got when he was handed to me, so tiny and precious. And that unbelievable gush of real true unconditional love.
I'm so awfully sorry this is happening and it is happened the way it did.
Your ex is a chicken who took the chicken way out and did not even tell his daughter to prepare her. He has to live with all the stuff he's done. TPT has to also. Like cherry said , she's going to have to look in the mirro every day and realize just encase they are married doesn't make their R right. She married another woman's husband.
You can hold your head up high, and any new R you might have you can take pride in. You'll make the right choices for you and your kid.
I hope your kid finds some peace with this. I know without a doubt you will get her through
I second ginger, hold your head straight up. Any foundations of future r's will be based on honesty for you. And that's the reality for xh and tpt, a r built on lies, secrecy and deceit. It honestly is a receipt for disaster. It eventually would be a case that she will begin to be suspicious of him, knowing what he did will eat away at them.
You set a fine example of a woman and mother to your daughter.
Vanilla, Cherry and Ginger,
Thanks for your support.
I still get PTSD and sometimes, like kid, I wonder if this is all a very bad dream.
But I am climbing out of the pit.
In a very perverse way, narc contractor (narc con) has been keeping my mind off the irreversible. Maybe there is a purpose for him in my life after all.
He still gives me headaches and heart attacks every other day. But the flat is slowly coming together, and is looking quite all right. I just have to close 1 eye. And make sure I hound narc con for whatever can be remedied.
Then again, I cant wait to get rid of him once the whole ordeal is over.
JksD,
I'm going to make a confession, sometimes I like to watch romantic movies. Please don't tell anyone. But, you need to watch "Under the Tuscan Sun." It's not a fantastic movie, but you'll enjoy it and you'll particularly enjoy the contractors.
Oh doodler, thanks for a much needed chuckle.
I haven't been watching a lot of chick flicks but I will definitely check out your recommendation. I remember seeing this movie and giving it a miss because D didnt have any place in my life then.
I promise that your professed fondness for chick flicks doesn't change the macho tool-wielding impression that I have of you.
JksD,
The truth is, for many of my home improvement projects, I've looked at pictures of Tuscan houses and buildings for inspiration. I really like the old-world look that includes wood, iron and stone with a variety of patinas.
One evening, a few days after my divorce was final, every muscle in my body ached because I'd been doing so much work outside. I'd cooked some mushroom ravioli and marinara sauce and paired it with a fine cranberry ginger ale. That's when I decided I needed to watch a chick-flick. I searched through the movies and found "Under the Tuscan Sun." That was perfect; even if the movie wasn't good, I figured I could get some creative ideas. But, I enjoyed the movie and ate too much ravioli. What could be better?
Doodler, I guess it's really a great pity that you're not in my corner of the earth. You're a great handy man and you cook. I could really use a friend like you IRL.
I don't know exactly what I can offer you in terms of IRL friendship. Help with the laundry, maybe?
I like the look of tuscan houses too. I like wrought iron, wood and raw bricks. But they remind me a little too much of the past.
In a psychological bid to cheer myself up, everything in the new place is white and bright. And simple.
JksD,
Hop on a plane and come on over. I have a spare bedroom, or ahem, you might like the frontier-guy bed that I built (I'm partial to it). My British neighbor would welcome you you with a glass of wine. By the way, his brother is a wealthy man who lives in New Forest. He has a helicopter pad in his backyard. How awesome is that?
Doodler, the important question is, are all your beds storage beds? I don't like monsters under the beds.
Hmmm... Is your British neighbour still showing you interest?
Doodler,
Your such a player.
Grl,
My ex was not handy at all. Just with cars. Around the house he was no good. Neither am I. It took him 2 hours to install a walmart faucet in our kitchen and he installed it backwards. So you put the handle down to turn it on. he refused to redo it, and decided to call it the "Eurpoean faucet"
I said handiness was a deal-breaker with anyone I might date. That might be me being a little picky.
I've been thinkin about taking some home improvement classes, perhaps you should too! We might learn something, plus, we might meet a guy who could do it for us.
I'm so bad, I know.
Doodler, the important question is, are all your beds storage beds? I don't like monsters under the beds.
Hmmm... Is your British neighbour still showing you interest?
JksD,
None of my beds are storage beds. In fact, the "frontier guy" bed is high enough off the floor that you can easily see under it. The only monster you might find under the bed is my little ferret. And, of course, the mighty doodler would protect any fair maiden from monsters and dragons.
JksD,
I forgot to answer your question about my British neighbor. He stopped showing interest when I told him that I only go for guys with big tool belts.
Doodler,
Your such a player.
Ginger,
In reality, I'm not a player at all. I'm a one woman guy; always have been, always will be. I never understood how some guys could have multiple women. Once my heart is taken, that's it.
Just kidding Doodler. That's why we are all here. We are all generally monogamous people. I think you are a gentleman.
I've been thinkin about taking some home improvement classes, perhaps you should too! We might learn something, plus, we might meet a guy who could do it for us.
I'm so bad, I know.
My ex was reasonably handy, I learned to do a few things on my own in my single days and then learned a few things from him.
My current boyfriend likes to tinker and fix things, usually he's good but sometimes he misses or doesn't know the obvious simpler solution to things. He charges in whereas I like to figure things out first - both approaches have their advantages, I guess. Sometimes I have to tread carefully though when I need to point out to him that he's doing something wrong!
Oh Doodler,
Of course we knew that you were a one -woman man. Why else would you try to fend off the advances of your Brit neighbour?
I would love to give you an online hug but let's keep things really platonic, shall we?
JksD,
Platonic, darn it all. I was going to offer to make you some Spotted Dick, but I guess I'll rescind the offer.
Ginger, I love your story about the faucet.
Here's my funny story. We once had a damaged toilet seat. The ex was in charge of finding a replacement. He couldn't and was going to change the whole toilet bowl before we stopped him. And quickly found a replacement seat.
Looking back at this incident, I am starting to sort of understand how I got replaced so thoroughly and unexpectedly.
I don't need a handyman. Handiness is icing on the cake. I just need someone who suffers well the messiness of life and me plus kid. But I am probably looking for unicorns and rainbow farts.
Going for lessons sound cool and you're right that we'll probably be one of a few, if not the only, females in the class. I like your strategic thinking.
DOODLER! Wth is a spotted dick?????
Kml, I used to overthink things but now I have swung the other way and become too impetuous.
I need to find a balance. I totally hear you about the part on treading carefully when offering advice. I have a tendency to shoot my mouth off when I am with family. I seem to use up my quota of tact for colleagues abd friends and have none left for the ones dearest to me.
Okay. Doodler, I googled. I must admit that I had something less innocent in mind.
Btw, we don't really eat that where I come from.
JksD,
What else would you have in mind? A freckled guy named Richard?
I bought a whole case of Heinz Spotted Dick on Amazon. My British neighbor eats it. I always try to have some on hand for his Guy Faux party (it's next month).
What else would you have in mind? A freckled guy named Richard?
Love this.
Oops, that's Guy Fawkes, not faux. I've been doing too many faux metal finishes.
JksD,
What else would you have in mind? A freckled guy named Richard?
*Gasps in amazement*
How did you read my mind, Doodler????
How did you read my mind, Doodler????
I channel William Wallace; he's fond of you.