It's hard to believe that it's been over 10 years. Wow, where does the time go? The board looks exactly the same although near all of the names are the different. Sadly, the stories that they tell are very much the same.
You can read about my story by clicking to my previous threads or seeing the one below. I'd be amazed if anyone is still here from when I went through everything ten years ago. For those of you who were not, I'll provide some info:
Like many of you, I was shocked when the bomb was dropped. I knew we were in a slump but had no clue my wife was soon to walkaway. After about six months of suspicions, many of which were much clearer in hindsight, my soon-to-be WAW came home on a Monday and said "I'm finally ready to talk." My response was "Great!" Her's I'll never forget - "You're not going to like it." Within two hours she was gone and never slept in this house again. DBing didn't save my marriage but it quite possibly did save me. I still am friends with a few fellow DB'rs from back then - at least Facebook friends. I did everything I could. In the end, even WAW said she could not ask any more of me. Still, she filed about 10 years ago and come this October we'll have been divorced for 10 years.
How has my life been since? I really hate to tell all of this but in many ways it has sucked. In fact, that is somewhat why I've found myself back here again. It's really gotten rough for me.
I have not had a serious relationship since - not in 10 years. I've dated some. I've been trying much harder the past three years and almost with I would not have. It's clearly a different world. I've always been GREAT at being by myself. I actually have enjoyed doing things myself - always have. Sadly, even now, that is no fun anymore. I liken it to eating steak or ice cream everyday. It's going to get old. I went to an annual event yesterday than in years gone by I'd have much preferred I go by myself. This time I hated it.
I didn't date much if at all for over 2 years post divorce - which would be three years total since BD. When I left off here back in 2008 I had met someone and started dating her. That lasted about six months. I found out a few years ago she had died of an overdose - suspected intentionally but ruled an accident. I was shocked to learn she left behind a HUSBAND. I was the other man - and had no clue.
I ran into some personal struggles at the end of 2009. I lost my six figure job and had to face what has now become an epidemic in America - opiate addiction. That is a separate story in itself but I am very proud to say I'm clean for over 6.5 years without a single slip.
After reconnecting with a girlfriend from nearly 25 years ago in 2012, we dated for about 8 months until she decided to re-marry her ex husband. At least this time I was not the other man although I was likely the man that saved her marriage. With three kids and a 18 year marriage, I quickly stepped aside.
I've tried meeting someone since with terrible results. They say there are more single people in the USA than ever before. At least in my experience, women will only date someone they fall head over heals in love with on the first date or two. If not, they are not interested. Even more don't want to date at all and have not for years. My last six dates or prospects have been in this category. Most divorced, one widowded. Nearly all have not dated in years. These are very smart often beautifull women. The first has not been on a date in five years. She is now 48. The second is 42, divorced 8 years and last date was in early 2013. The second is 43 and has not had a boyfriend in 4 years. A few dates here and there. The lastest is divorced 10 years. We went out once, she said "absolutely" when I asked about a second. That was nearly 2 months ago. Sadly by far the best of the bunch was widowed over four years ago. I think we would at least be dating on a regular basis if she didn't live 10 hours and 4 states away. Oddly I had told a friend that I thought a widow was my last chance as they would still be married if given the choice. That is clearly the case with this lady.
I've so lost hope. Life is all about balance. I still don't want to ever marry again. That has not changed but I also don't want to live the rest of my life alone. I don't want to go on vacations alone. I so miss physical touch. I might be able to live without the sex but so miss holding hands, cuddling, kissing.
My WAW is still married to the guy she had the affair with on me. So much for statistics saying it would not work! I know so much more about what happened there but what does it matter at this point.
I've come back here hoping that, like when the bomb had dropped, this place might play a roll in getting me back on track. I already know the drill - get a life, get out there, blah, blah, blah. Thing is, I've done that. In order to not make this intro longer than it already is, I'll save more for later. It's just amazing how things have changed - how people cancel on you. How even on dating sites, so many won't follow through, won't show up, are not who they say. Just had another one say "I like your profile. I'm interested, tell me more." Only to then say, I'm looking for someone closer (um I didn't move) and I"m talking to a few others so best of luck to you." Um what??????? Why not say that right away?
I really am stopping now. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Don
Don, I have no advice on dating, I haven't been at it that long, and my longest relationship post-D was five months. But I wanted to say congratulations on your 6.5 clean years, that's something to be proud of, no matter what else happens in your life.
I was thinking the same thing regarding the 6.5 years of being clean!
As for dating - I did it for about 4 years - mostly via online dating apps since I didn't have the luxury of time meeting potential mates the old fashioned way. I had my share of both positive and negative experiences most of them detailed through posts on this website. Along the way, I would take a break when I got to frustrated with many of the things you complain about - lack of response or follow thru. However through perseverance I finally struck gold a little over 2 years ago and had my last first date. We are engaged to get married next year and I couldn't be happier. So given that I guess my advice is to enjoy the experience and recognize that there will be bumps in the road but that sooner or later the right one will come along.
Best,
BA
Don
5.5 years clean brilliant achievement.
You do sound a little in the dumps. Sweetheart, I am 62 and had one date.
You only need one super duper date who likes you and that you like. Only one, not lots and lots.
For men it's a numbers game I think, it's about going to target rich environments.
Are you the best you can be? Healthy, great weight, solvent?
Where are you searching for your dates?
Have you done meetups? Dancing?
Things that women like and places they go to?
Want a drinker, clumber then go to clubs, but that's not going to get you quality girlfriend material.
I met WH when I was 58, ok so bad example maybe.
What do you like to DO? What excites you in your life? Have you gone on singles holidays? Have you volunteered?
Do you chat to people easily?
I expect to have a third age lover or two, absolutely I do. Possibly another H in the wings. If a woman isn't ready to date you she is doing you a big favour saying no.
What is your wish list in a mate? Two legs and lady bits isn't enough. Heck if waywards can creep up on the unattached and pull so can you.
Do you have a wing man or woman?
Your dating skills may need honing a little. Try googling superdate and superflirt. Can you read attraction signals? Do you seduce, how is your big beaming smile. There are dating coaches who will help you and I don't mean slimy pulling ones that play games.
There are amazing beautiful women withat loving hearts wanting the same. The trick is to find those and not the others. Heck there are lovely ladies just waiting for you to ask.
You do seem very down and I guess your xWW still being in her scummy R isn't helping you. Wish her well be pleased for her, have you detached, when you are dating is xWW your preoccupation?
It might be from the hints you have given the choice of woman that attracts you. If you keep doing that which you have always done you may keep getting the same result.
It may be that you need to search deeper into your soul.
V
Hi Don, sorry to read your post above. One thing I would say is, it could be an idea to suspend the dating profile, take a month to reflect & make plans, then try something different. It sounds as though dating & meeting someone is quite central for you. Well, maybe put it on the back burner & do some other stuff you enjoy.
Or maybe think about an activity where you can interact with others in a low pressure environment. I go to a salsa class - very friendly and mostly divorced guys and gals. What floats your boat??
Also, I find the Shawn Achor TED talk on happiness helpful. How about following his plan for a few weeks for a bit of a reset?
Sometimes if it isn't working for us, we need to chuck it all up in the air and have a re-think..and that's fine - it's your life & you get to choose how you spend it
Thanks for the responses so far! I am already wishing I would have come back here sooner - and honestly I'm smarter than not figuring it out sooner. But, I did now, so again thank you and please keep it coming. I'm also posting on a few other threads.
So, let me hopefully help some of you to help me with a bit more information and to try to answer some of what's been said so far. I'll give you a dozen:
1. Yes, I glossed over it but I should really be boasting a bit more about the opiate addiction. The odds were totally against me in that as nearly 90% relapse within the first year. That really is the stats. It's crazy. Thankfully, I've never had drug issues of any kind prior to this, rarely drank, never even tried a single cigarette let alone pot or more. Had I not had adult tonsil surgery and then later kidney stones, I have no doubt I'd never have had this happen. It was just the luck of the draw and I have the disease. Thankfully, I continue to see great success keeping it at bay. Thing is, how many women shy away because of this history????
2. That success also goes with my life. In all I really have had great success and a great life. Relationships are one of my few true fails. In some ways my life success makes me a great catch. I'm well educated, rather smart, own my own business, private pilot, set for life financially, semi-retired since 48 - I work about 30 hours a week by choice but could drop that to 10 hours a week for years if I wanted to, say, travel with the right person. No debt, and, well, financially set for life. So many friends say what a catch I am. Um, okay, so what's the problem - I intimate women away?
3. I'm rather picky. I won't settle. That's both good and bad. Just in general, I'm not good at meeting people. I'm both extroverted and introverted. I have done and still do a little radio. You'd never guess the outgoing guy on the radio is me in person. I'm also in multiple bands performing about 90 gigs a year on stage in front of as few as 50 and as many as 2,500 people. Still, I'm not a people person. I am not good at small talk with people I don't find interesting. That amounts to about 50%. Sadly it does - 50% of people I'd rather get a root canal than have a conversation with. Another 40% I don't mind doing things with and would consider friendly. It's only about 10% I truly connect with. This is in both just friends and romantic interests. So put together picky, won't settle, only really connect with 10% and the pool gets smaller. The thing is, at least in dating, I've been giving many a chance. I don't make a quick impression and even if I think they are likely not for me, I am still willing to find out. It's only in going on a couple dates that you can even tell enough. I give anyone I have a mild attraction to a chance. Sadly, most women don't seem to want to do that - they seem to want their soul mate and fall in love at first sight.
4. I meet a fair number of women. The ones I am often attracted to are already taken - either married or in a R. Many others, as I said above, don't appear to even want to be. It's interesting how I'm finding ladies here that could be exactly what I'm running into. I really hope to hear from them to help me better understand. I won't judge you - I really won't. I just want to understand.
5. Funny how "it only takes one" is actually very true. Thing is, I had said that... I had said "I just want to go on just one really good date," thinking I'd be happier then. Well I did, but like potato chips - or Oxycontin for that matter - one is never enough. I then really wanted more. After the last R three years ago, I really missed it later. I really, really miss having someone to call and tell something great (or really shitty) happened to me. I beyond miss hugs, holding hands, kisses, etc.
6. For many years I really was in the "it will happen when it happens" mode. I really was. Then I hit 50 and now 53 and I look back at how much time is lost that I can never get back! I could die in two years (let's certainly hope not) but if that happens I'll have had a really shitty past 3 years hoping for something to happen. It was much easier when I didn't care and didn't try.
7. This is new for me. I was never a "ladies man" that had flocks of women after me. However, I would have never imagined that I'd go through a period this long. I have to believe this has gotten way harder and way less fun. I used to LOVE dating. Not anymore.
8. What really has me at a loss is how many I meet, as I said above, who don't want a guy and seem very scared. I guess it's better that it's not me they are rejecting - it's any guy. But still, the ones who will take anyone are not the ones I want. I know people that go from R to R to R even year long relationships yet can't be alone for a couple months. Others wrap their lives around their kids - often now in college or animals. One lady who tried to set me up with her daughter, it quickly became clear I have 2 too many legs.
Her son is 25 and lives in another state. She has friends, 3 dogs, and has not gone on a date in many years.
9. I could care less about my ex. I've not spoken with her in at least 5 years. For all I know she could have filed for divorce again - I don't think so but I can't be sure. Still, the little bit I do think of it, it's really not fair how she derailed and robbed at least "that part" of my life and then beats the odds herself. It just makes it harder to have both heard for 10 years now "You'll meet someone when you least expect it, it will happen sooner than you think." And "the R with you ExW will not last." Sorry folks but wrong on both accounts - I've been alone for 10 years and she's is still married. So much for stats.
10. As for me, yes I did the getting back to my best self. I've always been in pretty good shape. I look at least 10 years younger than my age. Weight the same as I did in high school. Have updated my wardrobe, got my smile fixed, try to flirt or at least engage at every chance. Perhaps too much that I'm scaring them off? Still, I've done all of that. I've read and read and watched videos about dating, what to do, what not to do - so much that I spot bad daters a mile off.
11. Perhaps most frustrating is so many women just don't know what they want. My last three dates were not from online. The last one was a mutual friend. She's the one that says she wants to go out again but clearly her actions are not matching her statements. Yes, she's busy, yes she travels for work but c'mon if she wanted to get together since we went out June 8, she could have done it. Yes, she and they likely are doing me a favor but to what end? Why even bother with the first date then? And if you're not interested, just say so for crying out loud!
12. And to end in this even dozen, perhaps worse of all, I really don't want to get married again. I just don't. The stats and life are just against it all. I would most certainly be in a LT committed relationship, even under the same roof. Actually, the mutual friend that introduced that last lady has done that for over 20 years and is still extremely happy. I just don't want to head to marriage and could very well be love avoidant in some respects. Thing is, I've not even gotten past a third or fourth date in three years so it has not been an issue. My point is, finding someone may not even be the problem - not running from or spoiling it may eventually be. Still, I will address that should it even happen.
Yeah, I'm not an easy case and I know it. Still, I have got to try something as just sitting waiting has turned weeks into months and months into years. I never would have thought I'd be here 10 years later. The really sad part is, everything else is in place. I just want someone to share it with!
Hope that helps everyone get to know me a bit more. Again, I don't want to minimize how thankful I am to everyone who has responded so far. As you can see in my stats, I was really involved here 10 years ago and got a lot out of it. In fact I still use many DB teachings and share them with my friends. I use them often in business. I know I'll use them should I meet someone. Hopefully at least I can pull out of this slump - with some help. So thanks again for all of your comments and those that are still yet to come!
Ok 1 question. Are you a perfectionist and overachiever?
"Ok 1 question. Are you a perfectionist and overachiever?"
LOL, well I clearly have high standards - both for myself and for everyone else. Some might see me as a perfectionist but I really am fine with 95% "perfection." I don't obsess or keep trying for something perfect as it doesn't exist. It has to be to my satisfaction but then I move on where a true perfectionist does not.
I'm not sure what an overachiever is but I may well be one depending on your definition. Like I said, I'm hardest on myself but also hold everyone else to a very high standard whatever I do. I can say without reservation that I'm very pleased with most of what I've done in my life from friends to raising step-kids whom I'm still in their lives to the business I've built, music performances and recordings I've been involved in, life accomplishments - all of it. I'm very good at what I do - other than relationships to which I somewhat seem to suck at. I can spot the wrong business person or employee a mile off in minutes but the wrong woman could be under my nose for months and I don't figure it out. I am beyond honest which often leads me to revealing too much too soon. I just feel like I'm lying by omission if I with-hold things. I've gotten better at it though.
Does that answer your question? You tell me, do I sound like a perfectionist and overachiever?
I'm wondering if you reread what you wrote and how holding people to a high standard may affect your relationships. And I don't mean busines R but romantic ones. I learned to let go of any expectations and go with the flow. It has made me more relaxed and happy.
Thanks for posting on my thread. As I read yours, we seem to have a similar situation dating wise. Close to the same length of time we have been single. Both dated, you much more than me. I think we are both sick of not sharing our lives with someone else especially when we are happy with our lives and we just want to share that.
There are 2 ways to look at dating and meeting someone you could have a long term R with. One is when you aren't looking it and you least expect it, it will happen. The other is it takes some real work, and if you really want it, you will put the time and work in. Well, even if you aren't looking, putting yourself in situations where it might be possible to meet someone is a must, I think. Like taking up new activities, going ot meetups, ect. for YOU. Then maybe just maybe you can click with someone in person. Else it's a numbers game online, and you have ot get past the ghosting, the fake interest, ect.
As to holding yourself to high standards, that's cool. You seem pretty successful and like you worked hard to build a great life. And congrats on overcoming the opiate addiction. That is no easy feat and becoming an epidemic in this world.
Now holding others to higher standards can get you in trouble sometimes. I think it's good to have high standards, but execting someone else to strive to meet yours if they don't already, can be a problem. I would just me careful of that.
I wish I had better advice except to be patient. Just keep enjoying your life, join some new activities, and see where that takes you.
Hi Don -
First of all - congrats on your sobriety. Good job.
Second - let me say, dating is a numbers game, and unless you work somewhere that you meet a lot of elgible women, online dating is still your best option for meeting people who ARE interested in a relationship. (Not 100%, but most people who go to the trouble to put up a profile are actually looking for a partner). Also, online dating allows you to screen out obviously incompatible people even before that first coffee date.
I know not everyone has had as good results from online dating as I did, and not everyone is savvy at reading profiles and getting a sense of the person. If you're not, recruit a friend to help you sort through the profiles.
Or join an activity which brings you into contact with the right kinds of women in a non-dating environment, where they can get to know you more naturally before you ask them out.
Also, remember - online dating is a very artificial and strange setup, where you might be having conversations with several potential dates and then go meet one who you decide to go out with. So don't take it personally when people drop off the map after initially seeming interested - sometimes it's just that they found the right match elsewhere.
As for this:
LOL, well I clearly have high standards - both for myself and for everyone else
It's fine to have high standards when you're looking for a mate - so long as those high standards involve real things, and aren't just about looking for an unrealistic Christie Brinkley/Rocket scientist. No one will be perfect - you need to figure out what your true priorities are. If your heart's desire is a truly loving and honest reliable partner, she might come in a package that's a little overweight, or still has a kid in high school, or might be a smoker.....you need to know what are absolute dealbreakers versus when you are being unrealistic.
As for APPLYING those unrealistic standards to someone once you are dating them - THAT's controlling and needs to stop. My ex had OCD and I could never meet his ridiculous, ever-changing standards. I was never thin enough for him, even when I was - in retrospect - a good 15 lbs underweight. I was never athletic enough for him, even though I learned to backpack, ski, snowboard, rock climb, climbed Mt. Whitney. I'm a strong person and never really took it on myself too much, but a weaker person would have crumbled under his constant criticism. Don't be that guy. Try to let go and appreciate their good qualities without "fixing" them.
Also - you need to figure out how and why you might be sabotaging yourself. I dated a lot of emotionally unavailable and/or inappropriate guys in the first years after my marriage, because deep down, I wasn't really ready to open up to a relationship again myself. Once I reached the point that I was, I met my current guy - who looks all wrong for me on paper, but is actually perfect for me.
Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to write. I'll try to address to of the main areas here in separate reposes.
First, KML it looks like you've been here from the time frame when I was more active and actually your screen name does ring a bell. Then again, it's been nearly ten years so.. I do think our paths have crossed in years past, however. I'm betting you and I have talked before.
As for my standards, I like what I like, etc. That said, I at least try to separate business from personal and think I do a decent job of it. I am very willing to go out with someone even if at first blush it doesn't appear to be a match. Now, an obvious mismatch, no, but otherwise I very much give the benefit of the doubt as I really think it takes a few dates to get to know someone. I can't be repsulsed by them but even if I'm not attracted at first, I'll still go out as it's more personality for me and the attraction often grows. I need it both, some attraction but also intelligence, conversation, etc. It matters not how beautiful someone looks if I can't hold a conversation with her for an hour. I've always been that way. Years ago male friends would look at me like I'm the biggest idiot on the planet when a beautiful woman with no brains hit on me. They'd think I'm nuts for not taking advantage but I just can't. She'd drive me crazy no matter how great she looked. That said, let me detail a few things and you tell me if it's me or if I'm seeing things accurately.
The most recent lady was introduced to me by someone I've known for 20 years. I don't see this friend as much these days as when we worked together but she knows me extremely well, knew my ExW, etc. She invited me to meet a friend of hers who she has known for several years. This friend is 5 years younger than me, divorced for 10 years like me with a D22 and S19 headed to his first year of college. She's clearly rusty at dating. Didn't do well in she talked more than the other three of us put together. Didn't ask a lot about me. Exceeded the 2 drink maximum at dinner, only by one but at 5' 1" and about 105# soaking wet it was hitting her and she was getting louder and louder with a few F-bombs thrown in. My gut tells me she may not be a match but also worth another date or two. She was nervous, is shy one on one, etc. but was outgoing and a lot of fun at dinner. Still, it was hard to read if she was interested or not. I walk her to her car and ask if she'd like to go out again, getting an immediate "absolutely." A nice hug, innocent kiss and a little hand holding followed. That was on June 8. We talked the next night for about half an hour to which she again said she wanted to go out but had shut her computer off so would need to text me some dates. Here we are 7 weeks later. I've called, texted and received minimal response. When I give up (go dark) then I hear from her again. To be fair, she is busy with work trips and son going away. She finally tells me she's really struggling with empty nest, etc. To me, I'd think it's perfect, she has a guy interested. To her, she's either not attracted and won't say so or she really doesn't know what she wants or is scared. She has not dated anyone in 5 years. Her son became her life. She's an HR consultant with a masters. Looks ten years younger than her age, beautiful, yet no dates in 5 years! I even told my friend, not wanting to put her in a bad spot - and said, "look I'm not going to be mad or anything, if she's not interested that's fine she can just say so." I figured perhaps she was afraid to turn me down due to mutual friend. Friend insists she is interested but "that's just NAME HERE." whatever that means. And this, mind you, is one of my more successful dates!!!!!!!
As for on-line. I just checked my account. I have emailed 121 women in the last two years. I have gone out with FIVE OF THEM - none this year! Now, to be fair, I've not put in a huge amount of time but honestly - 121 and five single dates with no seconds? It's not like I'm meeting them and weeding them out, I can't even get a response. I've tried, long and more serious emails. Long and light, short and fun, short and sarcastic, funny, serious, medium length with questions about them, etc. Comments about things they say in their profile. I rarely even get a response. This includes those who on paper, I seem to fit most everything they claim to want! When I do get a response, the best I get to is, "lets meet for coffee or whatever" and then that doesn't even happen. The last three went that way. One seemed very interested and then said, I'm just not up to it." Another one said she wanted to meet but when trying to come up with a date, finally said, "I'm too screwed up to be dating." Others respond once or twice and then I never hear from them again. I mentioned one who told me how she liked my profile and wanted to know more and then had all sorts of odd excuses - like we lived too far away - first off neither of us moved in the two days it took to email and second, we live 20 minutes from each other! I see some who have been online for YEARS. Clearly they are not finding what they want yet won't respond to my message. From what I can tell, it's not me that needs to open up and take a chance on them, it's the other way around!
Clearly I must be doing something wrong? I'm not a drop dead head turner but am reasonably good looking. I only have a few deal breakers - smoking, dishonesty and large tattoos. Other than that, I'll go out with just about anyone once - again within reason.
Then, and I don't know how to say this without coming across bad or wrong but even more disheartening is about the only women who approach me are so beyond wrong for me I don't even know where to start. Some look like their hair has not seen a brush in weeks, clothes from 20 years ago, 10 or more years older than me. I'm like, really, this is what I'm left with? Again, I know that sounds really, really bad but you should see some of these profiles. I can tell you in a heartbeat I'll die single if that's my only other choice. I can just be honest. Otherwise, be groomed, reasonably in shape, clean cloths, etc. and I would not for looks alone turn them away.
Does this help at all? Clearly I could be sabotaging myself, etc. but I'd have to at least first communicate or go out at least once with someone to do that. I would never send someone a nasty email asking for sex, or sending naked photos - all things I hear guys do. Never in a million years would I do that. Yet they still won't even respond??????? I just plain don't get it - especially since I've never had this in my life - never.
The one lady that I'd love to date, lives too far away. She tried online and called it the land of misfit toys. In fact, it was that statement that got us talking when I met her in her hometown while traveling.
I'd be happy to share my profile and even photos for honest feedback. That's one thing about me, I want to hear the truth. In fact I expect it. I love to learn, want to know if I'm doing something wrong. If I can change it I will. I just don't know what else to try. I'll share parts of their profile, what I email and if anyone would respond, I'd share that too.
Then, work, well I'm self-employed and like I said somewhat semi-retired. I don't meet a lot of people that way. On the other hand, I'm on stage in front of crowds of all sorts of ages in a variety of bands. That's actually how I met the widow I mentioned in the last paragraph. You'd think I'd meet someone that way - and actually, I used to - often. But rarely now. I do meetups for things in my industry. Sadly, many are younger than me. In all of these situations, I must be choosing decent women as near all of them already have boyfriends or are married - or they have ZERO interest in dating. I can give you multiple, multiple examples of that - sort of like the one above who has not dated much in 5 years.
Sorry that was so long but I really am trying to be as open and honest and provide as much info as I can.
Ginger, I also wanted to respond to your comments as this is somewhat the other side of my somewhat complex problem. While for the past years it's been a lack of people to even go out with, I have a potential whole other side of concerns and what has happened to you, just to be honest, scares the crap out of me!
I've done it both ways you say Ginger, 1. When you're not looking and least expect it. and 2. putting in the work. From 2006 to about 2012 I was not in the least bit concerned. I totally had the, if it's going to happen it's going to happen thing. To be honest, I didn't even want it to! I didn't try much if at all and was fine with it. Then in 2009 I went on a cruise by myself, something my ExW and I did nearly 10 times and loved only without a partner, I HATED it. That's the first time it started to hit me. Still, I traveled since and loved it. I go most places as a single - not to say without friends or anything but I guess as the third or fifth or seventh wheel as you put it. At this point, friends and family would be shocked if I showed up with a date. It's then been since about 2012 or 2013 that I've started thinking, clearly just waiting for it to happen is not getting me anywhere and all I'm doing is getting older and time is passing me by. It was then that friends said "get out there" "try online" etc. So I did. And it seems like the harder I try, the worse it gets. As I posted to KML, I've not had a date from online all year long! Why even bother anymore? At least when I wasn't trying it was one thing but to really try and get nothing but rejection really [censored].
All that said, coming back here, reading posts really brings me back to what a struggle it was when WAW walked. Do I want to risk that again? At least now while I'm not happy about it, I'm functioning well, doing work, going out, no depression, etc. Do I want to risk falling for someone, getting dumped and falling into a huge depression? I'm not so sure I do.
That then puts me in a damned if I do, damned if I don't, no win situation. I don't want to stay single and less happy than I could otherwise be but I for certain don't want to be down right depressed, not able to get work done, not wanting to get out of bed. If that's my two choices, I'll stay with what I've got.
As you guys might be able to already tell, I have huge self a steam. I'm very confident but always try to stay this side of cocky. I am very caring and will help people - hell I was a firefighter/paramedic for nearly 25 years. I'm a private pilot, accomplished musician, businessman. I don't have bio kids but love kids and am still involved with SD and SS ten years later! I'm told I'm rather funny but you have to get and appreciate my sarcasm. I can't tell you how many women say I'm a catch and can't figure out how the things I tell them could be happening.
Then again, all that said, I am not looking to get married again. Does that come across and scare people away? On the other side of that coin, the last date I had said the same thing to her friend "He doesn't want to get married does he?" So clearly there are women out there who don't have that as their end game. For you Ginger at your age, it totally makes sense. For me at 53 and not wanting kids, not as much.
Okay, so before I go in circles anymore I'm going to stop. Hopefully I've provided enough info for additional feedback. Again, if it will help to post my profile info, etc. let me know.
Don....
You play in bands...... Yet you're not meeting women.....you're not by any chance a .......BASS player?????? 😄
Lol well yes and no. I actually am a bass player but rarely play that these days. About 95% of the time I'm the sax player. Variety of different bands, music styles, etc.
That said, I think there was a joke there someplace that I missed?
Thanks for dropping back to the forums Don.
I think you should change your dating profile and just have it be a quote from Shawshank, you know the part where Red (Morgan Freeman) is asked if he feels he has been rehabilitated.
I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try to talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone, and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a [censored].
Lol...... You're not familiar with the wealth of jokes about bass players?
One example:
What do you call a beautiful woman on a bass players arm?
A tattoo
See all my band jokes are typically about drummers...
What do you call the guy who hangs around with musicians? The drummer
How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? The knock speeds up.
Sadly drummers usually get the women!
Oh and when I'm gigging with a polka band... "He told her the three words every woman longs to hear... I play accordion"
KML I honestly had no idea you do some drumming when I wrote that response. All that more funny though but I truly had no idea.
I'll get on the keyboard (vs my iPad) later with some more thoughts and latest developments - minute as they may be. The more I delve back into all of this and the more I read, the more it's clear that I really don't know what in the hell I want - and it scares the crap out of me!
Five gigs in the next 7 days so no telling who I may meet.
.
Hmmmmm
Maybe not knowing what you want means not getting anywhere!
And that scarey stuff, well that's letting it be known you don't want!
A great girl is going to have to do some hard work, meet her half way.
V
KML I honestly had no idea you do some drumming when I wrote that response. All that more funny though but I truly had no idea
Hahahaha - the entire rhythm section just gets no respect
Vanilla, clearly not knowing what I may want is contributing to not really going anywhere. Makes total sense. However, the "scary stuff" is the fact that I may not know what I want - that's scaring me more than anything.
It's been an interesting week. I've spent way too much time reading through the many threads here. Really has taken me back and not in a good way. There is just so much hurt so much of this BS. It just goes on and on and on. How did we (I) and the world get here?
As for me, the simple answer is I want to be happy. Well, duh, who doesn't? Second in line, I don't want to work this hard to be happy. Maybe I was just lucky for most of my life???? It really was never this much work. I just LIVED. That was it - LIVED LIFE. Even when I look way back before I had any clue what DBing was - I did it. I was an incredible DB'r just by some natural means. If someone I was interested in did the things WAW or other did I went on with my life, didn't even think about it and things worked out - often like I'd had hoped. It's only later that after learning all of this that I looked back and could see, "Oh yeah, I did that, that's why whatever happened happened." It's like it was explained.
These days it just seems so much harder. One of the things I think that may be driving it is in my 20s, 30s even some of my 40s I really didn't worry about the future. I had more than half my life to go - well more than. That's not the case anymore. I think that's what is scaring me the most. If that was not the case I don't think I'd care near as much. I just don't want to get to the end not having that kind of love again and it sure looks like that's where I'm headed.
Just trying to get more thoughts out. Hope that's the case.
It really was never this much work. I just LIVED. That was it - LIVED LIFE.
...
I just don't want to get to the end not having that kind of love again and it sure looks like that's where I'm headed.
How are you going to know what you want if you don't just live your life? Otherwise you're just stuck in your head going round and round in circles.
Here's how I got where I am -- which is meant to be descriptive, not prescriptive.
There are certain ways I behaved with Mr. Fantastic that I now recognize took me so far away from the way I wanted to be. I chose him based on qualifications that my parents kind of set when I was growing up (we married when I was 25 and he was 23) which assumed that people have really consistent values. When we broke up, I finally acknowledged that his values and mine are not at all similar. So that was the first thing I knew I wanted, someone whose values match mine.
The second thing was, there are things in my life that always felt off-limits. I made those things mentally possible for myself, and then I decided that I wanted someone who would help me make them part of my life. It's similar to the values thing, but a little more practical.
The third thing was, I want someone who wants their life to be richer in the ways that I am capable of providing. Mr. Fantastic wanted a Brazilian-waxed sex-bunny who will match him drink for drink. That isn't me. I have something to offer a guy who wants to be cherished and nurtured and who values physical and emotional connection. That's part of knowing who I am.
You seem to me to be holding so tight to life. Would it help to let go a little and look around you more? There's something out there for you but if you look too hard for it you may look in the places where it's not.
"Would it help to let go a little and look around you more? There's something out there for you but if you look too hard for it you may look in the places where it's not."
Maybell, I'm not sure I fully understood everything you were saying but I totally understand what you're saying at the end and quoted above. That's the thing though - that's what I did pretty much from 2006-2012. During that time I dated a little, had one 6 month R but that was it. After the second R from the end of 2012 to summer 2013 afterwards I knew it was time and I wanted more. I did the same as I did previously (just let it all come to me and happen) but NOTHING. It was then everyone suggested that I needed to "put myself out there" or "try online dating" or "you need to try a little harder" or even "You may need to lower your standards a bit" I figured they may be right so I started trying harder, accepting more people, etc. I also did some of the GAL and personal things. The net result is what I've been describing here and is what has now been causing me this angst. The harder I try the worse I feel and honesty the results are the same.
- So then do I just leave it up to luck or to fate?
- Have I changed over how I was in earlier life? Is that's what the problem is?
- Is it my age bracket now? I was married at 38 so most of my previous "success" was from about 20-35. Is that part of it - women post D in their 40s and 50s are not like those I dated in their 20s and 30s? It seemed those in their 20s and 30s are much more interested in dating - those in later life, not so much.
I have so much to give. I have the time and the money to not only date but travel, etc. And I do those things, I really do - planning another trip for October right now. I'm booked tonight, tomorrow, Monday, Wednesday and Friday of next week so far. But it's just getting really old doing all of it by myself.
OK Don
So what exactly do you want?
And happy is far too general.
V
As I said above Vanilla, I'm starting to think I don't know what I want. I'm admitting that. I agree with you that "to be happy" is too general and was trying to elude to that as well by saying that's pretty much what anyone wants. I want someone that I can cannot with and do things with beyond a purely friend basis. That doesn't mean we have to be sleeping together but I don't hold hands, snuggle or romantically kiss as an example, any of my friends and miss that. At this point I'd even do that with someone I'm not totally into in hopes "lowering my standards" helps.
Performed at our state fair today. People everywhere. What I mostly see are couples, married people and couples, dating, on a date, whatever but couples. Again, getting sick of it.
Then run into the friend that introduced me to one of my recent dates. You could have picked me up off the floor when she told me this friend is "interested." I'm like, huh? The girl who usually doesn't initiate texts, sometimes doesn't respond at all, then out of the blue contacts me to go out and gets weird and abruptly leaves at the end - that friend? She's INTERESTED? That's how she shows interest? Again, for the love of God please someone give me a normal woman! Also got the feeling this friend may have scared her off by being protective of me. To be fair, this date is like in last place anyhow but still, putting the fear of "don't you dare hurt my friend" into her may not have helped things.
Other previous date still has not contacted me. I've dropped the rope with her, now on day, let me think here, 8 or 9. Did see she went out for her birthday with S19 golfing and to dinner this past Saturday. I swear if it were not illegal and totally creepy she would date her son. That boy is her life - no two ways around it.
On a positive note, I do feel more myself the past two days. Clearly back to acting as if and just sort of taking some steps back. Thing is, that's where I was three years ago getting the same results after I crossed over to where I am now - and after all sorts of people insisted I "try online dating," "put yourself out there," "Lower your standards a little bit." So I did and now I'm backing off of that. Rinse, wash, repeat!
This isn't about lowering standards, it's about finding a great woman in your life.
The trouble is that your idea of a great woman is something you see as 'fixed' and anyone else other than the idea is 'lowering standards'.
The best person for you may be different from your ideal.
Reframe so that your choices are more flexible and that's not lowering your standards, that's looking for love in more places.
As yet I am not ready to date and thus I don't go out to the places I will meet someone appropriate, don't go online and thus as a result I am not going to meet someone new. My heart isn't open to even light casual dating. I am bruised battered and needing healing. My ex looks happy with his RIT, he moved on easily whilst I haven't. Maybe I never will be ready and I prepared to accept this as a consequence of a very damaging R.
We will see, perhaps I can be in an R again.
All I see is happy couples too, and I know things aren't as they seem in life.
V
Then run into the friend that introduced me to one of my recent dates. You could have picked me up off the floor when she told me this friend is "interested." I'm like, huh? The girl who usually doesn't initiate texts, sometimes doesn't respond at all, then out of the blue contacts me to go out and gets weird and abruptly leaves at the end - that friend? She's INTERESTED? That's how she shows interest? Again, for the love of God please someone give me a normal woman! Also got the feeling this friend may have scared her off by being protective of me. To be fair, this date is like in last place anyhow but still, putting the fear of "don't you dare hurt my friend" into her may not have helped things.
Other previous date still has not contacted me. I've dropped the rope with her, now on day, let me think here, 8 or 9. Did see she went out for her birthday with S19 golfing and to dinner this past Saturday. I swear if it were not illegal and totally creepy she would date her son. That boy is her life - no two ways around it.
This read to me as very much lacking in compassion for others. I don't know what your experience with the second woman was, but I'll tell you from a woman's perspective, I'm not initiating a ton of communications. I want to be chased. WRT the first woman, If dating is awkward for her or you're sending signals that you're not that interested of course the dates are going to end awkwardly. I might tell a friend I'm interested but there's a big asterisk there and the bar goes up every day you don't pursue me. Not saying that's where her head is, but I don't read a ton of concern for her perspective in there and it makes me wonder what YOU'RE offering these women. Especially if you're ranking her "in last place." Gross.
Similarly, for the woman whose son is her life... Maybe he is. There was a long stretch of time when I only got up in the morning because my kids needed me. Who are you to judge if she wants to spend her birthday with a person she knows loves her?
Finally, this whole "lower your standards" line of thought is repulsive. People are people; no one is of a higher or lower standard than anyone else. If you meet a woman and instantly start judging if she's "good enough" for you you're never going to be able to see who she is. Frankly it makes you a terrible relationship risk because you're always going to be looking for the ways she DOESNT meet your criteria. If you can't meet a woman wondering what makes her tick and looking for what you can offer her, rather than how she can enhance you, you're never going to learn what you need to be fulfilled.
Rinse, wash, repeat? That sounds suspiciously like doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. You arent going to change your destination by changing the pace at which you travel the same road. Change the highway.
DonH.
Interesting to read your sitch. Whilst I am sorry to read about some of your history, in a way, I bounce between feeling horrid being here and also greatful for the journey. We would all rather not be but if DB gives you anything it gives you, understanding and therefore empathy for others. That can never be a bad thing. Anyway back to your sitch.
Having reflected on the above is it possible that you are scared of, or frustrated by, rejection? Perhaps the answer lies in your comments here - where they have not come back to your texts etc. It's frustrating you particularly when they say they 'are' interested at a later date - I get the 'WTH is with that point' BTW, but are you caring too much about what they think and do? Just put your cards down and show them - if they are not into your cards or the card game, fine. Not everyone will find you to be their Mr Perfect, you don't them - why would they?
RE: What you want. It's not so broad as being happy. I agree with at, but perhaps it might be as simple (even as narrow) as being with someone, in a relationship that works, that makes you feel secure in yourself. But the thing that comes across in your posts is 'them being happy' is not mentioned (i.e you caring that they are happy). If you are in DB you and your previous partner (or partners) have messed up. You haven't both made each other happy. I am as guilty as the next. DB'er personally and don't want to repeat that pattern. I want to make either my WW happy (if she is able and willing to change too) or someone more deserving than her. But they key is making 'her' happy (whoever that is) I think. BTW I am not naive enough to think my actions can make anyone happy permanently, but the little things can give a little boost and if done often enough. They really do help your connection. However, the negative things, if repeated enough, can do exactly opposite and fast. I think we all know this - I am probably therefore repeating this to myself here!
If you are not so secure in yourself right now - and this is coming across in the dating 'game' (and who is on here) the goal is surely to find that security in you first. An example here, reflecting on the above is being sufficiently secure that you really don't give a damn if they like you or not, when you talk to a lady. You give a damn about "them" and what they are telling you, as you are genuinely interested, but their reaction - if they are not interested - no you don't want to be 'interested' in that (to the point of upset or frustration due to rejection), just recognise their reaction and think okay, wrong hand or wrong card game, neither are in your control.
Maybell makes some pretty strong comments above. The one I like in particular is in the final para. You need to change your destination/journey. Are you doing cheeseless tunnels? More of the same - in terms of behaviour. It sounds like you are exacerbated by the same old same old. What about changing your approach.
Perhaps having no expectations and focusing on fun would be the simplest way to look at it. This all probably sounds terribly cliche DB stuff. But that's because when we give less of a hoot and have fun - we do just that and let's face it people like to be around people that are fun to be around.
Just thoughts.......hope they help a little.
Thanks to all three of you for responding. Maybell I specifically hope you'll stick with me here and continue to give me some feedback. After reading much of what you provided I fear I'm either writing too much and all of it's not getting read or I'm doing a really poor job of communicating. Surfer you seem to be getting me more although there are still things I feel are being misunderstood. If after I try to rephrase, any or all of you are thinking "Yeah, Don, we understood and got it the first time" then clearly I have the opportunity for some growth as you guys get it and I don't. If it becomes more like "that's different than I thought you were saying," I'm right and not being clear.
LOWERING STANDARDS: By that I mean accepting more things that may not be in my check boxes. I guess it's not a lowering of standards near as much as accepting more things that I would not otherwise accept. I don't have an actual list but if I did an example would be accepting 20 our of 40 items on the list rather than 30 our of 40 - I'm lowering my must haves. Does that make sense or is that the same as lowering standards?
MAYBELL - INITIATING COMMUNICATION: You say you don't initiate, but do you respond? What happened with the latest women is we went out 9 weeks ago now - nine flipping weeks. At the end of the date I asked her out again and she said without hesitation "absolutely" yet we've not gone out. Am I wrong in thinking she's saying one thing and doing the other? She wont' return a phone call. Returns 50% of texts unless I stop reaching out then she contact me and pursues saying she's just been busy - almost like a temp check? So I re-engage and ask her out a second time - she again says "that would be great" but fails to provide any open dates or chose from a list I give her. The third attempt she finally started to give me some honesty and I thought awesome - a breakthrough. She even told a friend how nice my notes were in response to her struggling, again says it would be great to go out and back to more of the same of no response or limited response. I am certainly wanting to take things slow but 9 weeks between dates? Am I reading this wrong?
SON IS HER LIFE - I totally agree and would never expect to take that place. The thing is, she appears to be leaving zero room for anyone else. He's number one to the exclusion of everyone else, including from what I have gathered his sister. Again, am I looking at this wrong? By all means put the son first but since I asked and she accepted am I expecting too much in expecting her to response saying "these are the nights I have open, does any work for you?" (this list of potential dates I already gave her - two weeks worth - went unanswered)
REJECTION - Obviously no one wants that but I honestly prefer that or really honesty over games and guessing. If any of them are not interested why for the love of God can they or do they not just say that? If that's the case, why not say "you're a great guy but we are not a match" or whatever? Why say, "absolutely let's go out" but then have actions of the opposite?
WHAT DO I WANT - Wow Surfer that was so helpful. I was only looking at it in broad terms and my terms - not thinking that yes, I want them to be comfortable with me, feel safe with me, enjoy my company, have fun, etc. Totally overlooked a lot of it. Doesn't mean I have not wanted it but clearly I didn't include it in the list so it was not front and center in my mind. Thanks for helping to put it there.
RINSE AND REPEAT - I'm nearly positive I'm not expressing myself correctly here. What I'm trying to say is that the very things you are suggesting I do, drop back, take a break, don't try as hard, lay out your cards, etc. I did three years ago and it got me nowhere. To that end, well meaning friends suggested I do more of what I'm doing now - yet that's not working either. It's frustrating to then have you guys say go back to what I was doing - that also didn't work. From my point of view I've tried a variety of things in at least two ballparks - yet NOTHING has worked. Obviously I need to find a third ballpark? My frustration is in NOT wanting to do more of the same - both the more of the same I've done recently and more of the same I did previously - does that make sense?
I was fearing I was not being outgoing and straight forward enough - lay your cards on the table and let her know you are interested. So I do that with poor results so then I'm told "leave a little mystery, let her chase you a bit, don't tell her so quickly, three texts or calls without a response and you stop" So I try that and like I said now you guys are saying different. None of these seem to work - that's the frustration.
WHAT I"M EXPECTING - At the end of it all what I am expecting from all of these women is honesty and follow through - whatever that is. Don't tell me you are not interested and then pursue me. Don't tell me you are interested and then fail to follow-through with a date. Don't tell me one thing and then do another including the opposite. Am I wrong in that? Is this unreasonable?
I DISAGREE WITH ONE THING MAYBELL - You said "People are people; no one is of a higher or lower standard than anyone else." I could not disagree more. Michael Jordon is at a higher standard than a high school ball player. Frank Sinatra is a higher standard than Weird Al when it comes to vocals. I'm at a higher standard than the person who refuses to get a job, support himself, take care of his kids, etc. Not everyone is created equal. We may just have to agree to disagree on that one, but from where I sit it's this entire everyone is great, everyone is equal that has our country going down the dumper and the Millennials the most screwed up generation in a long, long time - but that's a whole other topic.
Again, I totally value all three of you and sincerely want to learn from you - and anyone else. If it's me I'll take that and do what I can to change, I just want to make sure I'm being clear about everything and you are fully understanding it before declaring it is me as so many other's I've talked to have suggest that: Don these women don't know what they want and are not available for a relationship - move on no matter what they tell you.
Then at the end of the day, yet again, I have to say, this all seems so much harder and so much different than it used to be. In the past if a girl said she wanted to go out - we did. If she said she didn't, we didn't. We may have not been a match in the end but they did what they said and were honest - at least much of the time. I don't know if it's all the added baggage at this age or what but dang this is hard. Or perhaps it's my baggage clouding me!
Thanks again I honestly and sincerely greatly appreciate your help and input!
You said "People are people; no one is of a higher or lower standard than anyone else." I could not disagree more. Michael Jordon is at a higher standard than a high school ball player. Frank Sinatra is a higher standard than Weird Al when it comes to vocals. I'm at a higher standard than the person who refuses to get a job, support himself, take care of his kids, etc.
Don't misunderstand me: I'm not suggesting you would be appropriately paired with a junkie or a deadbeat. But if you think you're after Michael Jordan or Frank Sinatra and anyone less accomplished than that is lowering your standards, then I suggest you are looking in the wrong places for your match. My Guy is wonderful in many ways, but he's nowhere near as professionally accomplished or as ambitious as Mr. Fantastic. Does that make him of a lower standard? Not to me. He's beautifully self-aware and willing to articulate his experiences. He's insightful and supportive. I *love* road-tripping with him -- he's fun, but not flashy, as Mr. Fantastic was. Am I lowering my standards? No way. I'm de-emphasizing the highly visible in favor of qualities that take time to discover. I've been fortunate to discover that by holding on to the meaningful things I mentioned in an earlier post, and letting go of most of the rest (except height; but even that was more negotiable than I thought, lol) I became open to finding someone who wouldn't have made the cut years before. My Guy and I recently laughed about that -- he wouldn't have dated me in years past either, we both had to change what we thought was important to us in order to find a person who feels really right.
You say you don't initiate, but do you respond? What happened with the latest women is we went out 9 weeks ago now - nine flipping weeks. At the end of the date I asked her out again and she said without hesitation "absolutely" yet we've not gone out. Am I wrong in thinking she's saying one thing and doing the other? She wont' return a phone call. Returns 50% of texts unless I stop reaching out then she contact me and pursues saying she's just been busy - almost like a temp check?
I think ghosting is a terrible development in the world of dating since the 1990's. I did accidentally ghost once, because I got the text when I was on a long date with someone else and I didn't think it would be appropriate to answer while I was out with Guy B. By the end of the date I knew I was going to terminate Guy A but it took me a couple of days to find the right words, because I wanted to be kind and clear. Didn't mean to leave the guy hanging, but I did.
That said, I would encourage you to BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES. When people show you who they are, believe them. These women are ghosting you and they know they're doing it. Definitely. Don't go back to that well a second or third time! Move on. Is that really someone you want a relationship with? No! They're already proving they're unreliable and uninvested. Maybe that's not who they want to be, but at the moment at least, that's who they are. As for why the messages are being passed through friends, etc.? Why worry about it? You're not in seventh grade. Hear it and release it. These women are not relationship material for you. It's OK for that to be so. Don't waste time untangling the skein of crazy. You want better for yourself, don't accept that kind of treatment.
SON IS HER LIFE - I totally agree and would never expect to take that place. The thing is, she appears to be leaving zero room for anyone else. He's number one to the exclusion of everyone else, including from what I have gathered his sister. Again, am I looking at this wrong? By all means put the son first but since I asked and she accepted am I expecting too much in expecting her to response saying "these are the nights I have open, does any work for you?" (this list of potential dates I already gave her - two weeks worth - went unanswered)
See above. Additionally, who cares if she's overly involved with him? Not your circus. She's not relationship material.
I was fearing I was not being outgoing and straight forward enough - lay your cards on the table and let her know you are interested. So I do that with poor results so then I'm told "leave a little mystery, let her chase you a bit, don't tell her so quickly, three texts or calls without a response and you stop" So I try that and like I said now you guys are saying different. None of these seem to work - that's the frustration.
WHAT I"M EXPECTING - At the end of it all what I am expecting from all of these women is honesty and follow through - whatever that is. Don't tell me you are not interested and then pursue me. Don't tell me you are interested and then fail to follow-through with a date. Don't tell me one thing and then do another including the opposite. Am I wrong in that? Is this unreasonable?
Look at that -- you've laid out what you want. Honesty and follow-through. It happens you haven't found it yet. That doesn't mean YOU are the problem. My Guy says it took him years to find what he wanted -- because I wasn't ready for him yet. (Isn't he awesome??? ;)) Behave in a way that is generous, that puts what you offer and what qualities you value ahead of the superficial stuff, and believe people when they show you who they are. You'll save yourself a lot of time and crazy. It may not take any less time but you will be a better catch, and when you find the right person you'll be quicker to recognize and appreciate her.
Did I miss anything?
Go be awesome.
Wow Maybell. You're good at this. Will have to catch up on your thread!
DonH. Lots of thoughts having read your response. I need to wait to let my thoughts settle and will respond shortly!
Maybell, that was pretty awesome. I have decided to give up on dating for a while, but I think I need to print this out for when I do.
BELEIVE THE NEGATIVES is just about the best advice ever. I usually think because I am choosing to believe the negatives, I wasn't giving someone a fair chance. If a guy is, say arrogant (my biggest turnoff) I am going to believe he is arrogant, because my personality does not mesh well with arrogance. I need to believe that is who is and make my decision from there, but not expect it to change.
I used to think there might be something wrong with me (I'm sure I have my fair share of things wrong with me) but I think it's the guys I fall for and date. They are usually emotionally unavailable, some are upfront about their unavailability, others, not so much. So, my eyes are wide open now on the men I chose.
This particular lady you are describing. Not right for you. But she is who she is. She may be right for someone, not for you. You see the reasons. She doesn't follow through, or her son is her everything is no room for anyone else. Do I agree with that, or do you agree with the kid thing? Nope. But it's her choice. So she isn't right for you.
Yes, honesty and follow through are things I desire too. No games. But there are game players out there! And we just say "buh-bye" to those.
I decided to stop dating for a few reasons right now, and one being, I couldn't give someone the time they deserve. I was chatting with someone on a dating app, seems like a nice guy, but if we were to make a date, I have a free day in one month or longer right now as it is. I'm a bit over committed to school, my daughter's activities, some social events, and my ex and I's schedule is a bit wacky right now. It's just not fair to sit there and chat, and not be able to meet.
I think the dating culture has drastically changed thanks to electronic means of communicating. It's easy to ghost on text. us humans have an amazing way of detaching through text. Nothing feels real through it.
What you desire is not unreal. But you do need to be able to get through the crap before you get to the prize. And it takes some serious work these days. But what you desire really does exist.
DonH
I read everything you Maybell said in detail, on my way to a meeting I drafted my response.
I have only commented below on points I can add to as Maybell is far more knowledgable and experienced at this - as you are - and in fairness, she has totally nailed many of these points.
LOWERING STANDARDS:
"we both had to change what we thought was important to us in order to find a person who feels really right."
Perhaps it's about "changing what we 'thought' was important to what 'actually' was important". Maybell makes a great point with height. Non-negotiable or not, some things are aesthetic, that's not vain or shallow - you have to be attracted. However height might be something that is it is not a deal breaker depending on who you are.
GHOSTING:
Agreed. If they ghost, they are flakey. Do you want flakey? No. If they change their minds fine they can pursue, you don't. Don't let them cross your mind. Drop the Rope (DTR).
SON IS HER LIFE:
She has a Son who is her life. That's good for both of them. But you don't really want that. Who says she might not get in touch. Could still catch up for dinner as friends. No need to shut her out. Seems like she's just not the one for you right now.
WHAT YOU WANT ETC
It's all there. Why not add those points to your goals? I want to find someone who [honesty, follow through....how will she feel etc]
Could add - I don't want flakey etc.
Yes to believing people when they tell or show you who they are. (I actually dated a guy who said up front that he doesn't "do" relationships. I gave him bonus points for being honest upfront, had a handful of really sexy dates? Then moved on to find a guy who DOES do relationships. )
And yes to broadening your horizons to people who might not look on the surface like they meet your requirements. My ex was a highly educated and successful professional. My guy now(Mr Tall Dark and Handsome) lost 20+ years of his life to addiction, suffered all that you might imagine that could entail, smokes (I swore I'd never date a smoker), and although highly intelligent, has only a couple years of college.
And yet, in his sobriety, he is a better man than my ex. Kinder, more loving to me and my family, MUCH more self aware, and so grateful to be free of addiction that he wakes up happy every day. He treats me like a princess and is totally committed to our relationship in ways that my ex never was in 26 years together.
Don't be afraid to look outside your box.
Maybell I could so totally kiss you! I am so sorry it's taken me this long to get on my computer. I tried to at least post something from my phone but no luck. In any event, your earlier post for whatever reason missed the mark with me in many ways. Then you come out with this latest one and it's like you had laser focus! You are so spot on with so much of it and you have helped me more than you will likely know. I can't thank you enough!
So to start, GHOSTING. I had to Google it as I had no clue what that even was!!! I have to tell you, I had nearly the same level of lightbulb moment with Ghosting as I did when I first found DB 11 years ago! It has been that huge for me - I'm sending articles to so many of my friends about it. This is totally what has been happening to me - all of the time! Everywhere I turn - even sometimes with friends. Now, while it seems to be wide-spread and no one is immune, I have to wonder what it is about me and either my actions or the people I chose that I'm getting this over and over again?
BELIVE THE NEGATIVES - I again cannot agree more but this is so hard for me. With this women, I thought that right away. I said, "I see red flags with her" right away. HOWEVER, I keep getting told "Give them a chance" or "You can't always tell on the first date" etc. So that is what I was doing - giving her a chance while keeping my eyes open. SO THEN, after the first round of her not contacting, I had this friend in the middle so I told her that if her friend is not interested, it's totally fine, she doesn't have to worry or feel in the middle - that she should just tell me. The mutual friend says, "she's interested." And "that's just L" and stuff like that. She convinced me I was not seeing what I thought I was seeing. That has been the story of my life. It really has. I very, very often know what's best but then get talked out of it. I allow that far less but in many areas of life as I have the confidence I really do know what's best. In dating and R I am more apt to listen as I think I suck at it. Even at first MayBell had a different take.
WHY SO MANY GHOSTS? I remember when it was considered wrong to break up over a text message! Now somehow it's considered fine to just ignore the other person until they go away! Thing is, from where I sit, this it spreading like a virus. Someone has it done to them so they feel it's okay to do to the next. I'm just not like that. I want and try my best to handle the truth. I would so much love any of these women to just TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!!! Not only how they feel and what they want but any tips for me. "It was a real turn off when you did blank" I WANT TO KNOW THAT so I don't do "blank" again with the next person. That may be a bit much to ask or expect but "I'm not feeling it anymore, best of luck to you" is not!
SETTLING. Maybell I would not call re-arranging your or my priorities to be "settling" I look at the sum total. One person might be "flashy" as you put it or prettier than the other. However, the less flashy guy or pretty girl might have a whole other set of great attributes. If the sum total is still where I want it, I'm not settling, it's when the sum total drops below the level I can accept that it is.
I really am trying to give everyone a chance. When I say someone is in "last place" I'm just saying she'd be the 3rd or 4th choice among the current list. My first choice lives 10 hours away and it's just not going to work. That's how I'm ranking - not in a "disgusting" way.
Perhaps what I'm finding is the pond, at least the one I'm fishing in, is full of ghosts and wrong (for me) women. However, I've been in many "ponds" - online, friends introducing, random meeting, work events, etc. My ghosting has not been restricted to only one of these - it's happened from all of them! My frustration started and brought me here because this same thing keeps happening. I meet mostly people who are married, in a R, too old or too young or living too far away. Then when I do meet one outside of that list either she's not interested or I'm not or the games get played. I like what I like and don't know how to change that. I like white, sweet wine (rarely drink but if I do...) but do not at all like red wine. How do I make myself like something I don't like? If there is no physical attraction or chemistry even if they are a great person, I can't make myself love them or if I do it would be a sexless R. I won't settle. If anything, I can give up and have on looks. Even age is not that huge to me. No matter how hot or drop dead beautiful she may be, if she has no brain and can't hold a conversation, I'm out. It just doesn't matter. That has to be there.
I both feel so much better to know it's not only me but also so hugely depressed that this is what the wold has become. Ghosting - who knew!!!! It also doesn't solve my problem. The clock keeps ticking, days keeping turning into weeks and weeks into months and I've still not found someone (in the past three years) to even get to a 5th date with. Is this just my life and I have to deal with it? Sadly as a whole, I did feel better when I didn't try - at least I didn't have this hurt. Then again, I didn't have what I wanted either. I feel like I keep coming back to full circle with this really used to be way easier and a whole lot more fun 25 years ago!
Maybell I can't thank you enough! You really can't know how much I appreciate such help. I could have paid a professional $200 and not gotten near what you gave me! Thank you!
I did not mean nor want to neglect everyone else who took so much time to write. It's just that Maybell was first and so blew me away that I wanted to address her first. Maybell I went back and re-read some of your thread. I had read it before but I often mix-up and confuse everyone on here. As I was leaving your thread I noticed you've been divorced or separated two years. I'm not one to be jealous and I'm not but it puts perspective on me. I've been divorced for close to 10 years now! TEN YEARS! I've been struggling with this other crap for 3. Did you just get luck with new guy? Perhaps you tried harder? Perhaps you are willing to accept less of what you thought you wanted than I am? Whatever it is I do enjey you some.
KML - Ya know what, I'd even take the sexy non-comittle types for a while. ANYHTNIG! Throw me a bone already life. I joked to a friend of mine when one of my last dates, going well all of a sudden she bolts off, that at least I could have gotten laid before she went nuts!
I only have 2.5 dealbreakers. That means two firm and one that could have wiggle room. Above and beyond all is a smoker. Nope, just no, cannot do it. On top of it being beyond disgusting to me, I look at the type of person that often goes there and won't quit. Go ahead and flame me if you want to friends but it's a dealbreaker. Dishonesty is the other. The partial is tatoos. I simply can't do the big whoppers on the arms or legs or the "tramp stamps" etc. A little this or that on the ankle, etc. yeah, I can deal with that. The GF from three years ago had a well hidden one (that was a lot of fun to find - LOL) Even the last ghost has done. So beyond that, I really am open - tall, short, plump, skinny, blonde, dark, not a fan of redheads but not a deal breaker. I've lowered my bar so far just to go have fun and worry about longer term later but I can't even get that. Again, this is virgin terrirory for me. I look and act just as I did 20 years ago, have all my hair, in shape, everyone thinks I'm in my 30s or 40s - hell a 34 year old daughter of a friend asked me out on Monday - very flattering but she was shocked when I told her I was 53. What in the hell happened? But I digress, thanks for the comments KML.
And my new friend Ginger, yet once again you and I seem to be pretty much in the same place. Like you, I too wonder if it's who I'm attracted to? I really have to wonder. Why is it often women I'm not attracted to that are interested in me? Then again, I would totally have dated the 34 year old and even told her so - if I was 20 years younger - will even 10.
I guess in the end I do know much of what I want. My problem is I simply can't find it or if I do, or even think I do, all of the crap (ghosting, they are not interested, etc.) takes over.
I'm so glad I came back here. Could kick myself for not coming back sooner. If anyone else has thoughts or suggestions bring them on. Otherwise I'll post what happens next - whatever that may be. Just don't hold your breath as I seem to have long periods of nothing happening. Busy weekend though so who knows.
Glad I could help!
I got TOTALLY lucky with My Guy. Mr. Fantastic moved out in April 2014, nine months after I found out he was having an affair with an intern in another country. I messed with that skein of crazy the whole time. Friends in our small town were hinting that they'd seen him out dating and I chose to not believe it; he's a manipulative booger. Some of the vets around here started urging me to drop the rope and in October 2014 I had a huge meltdown and screamed at him that I NEEDED SPACE. From there it was only a matter of time till we agreed to divorce. He never could say the word.
Anyway, from January 2015 when we agreed to divorce, I started really looking at the marriage, at other people's marriages, and at myself. I spent a LOT of time thinking about what I wanted and what I didn't want, how I got myself in the situation I was in, and where I wanted to be in the future. Then I got busy making that vision real.
I always knew I wanted a good long happy marriage. I guess you could say it's a bucket list item for me. I have never lived in any town longer than 6 years and never lived in a structure longer than 4. EVER. So I want the kind of stability that a long marriage represents. But when I set out to date, I didn't say that. I just said I wanted someone to explore my new town with, and I described a few of my hobbies. I set up an online profile in October 2015 just to see what it would be like. I chatted with a STACK of guys -- it was like hanging out in a candy shop. I went on a few dates. I met My Guy at the end of the second week. I never, ever expected to meet a keeper so quick. It was TOTAL LUCK and I question it almost every day. I do not take it for granted one bit. In a lot of ways I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. But so far, he seems as smitten as I am. And, you know, from his perspective, there's nothing miraculous about our meeting. He was divorced five years before I turned up.
The only thing I can point to for you is that when I read his description of what he was looking for, my thought was, "THAT'S ME." He is definitely the only profile I read that I fit it so clearly. And when I met him, I could have listened to him talk all day. And he adds to my quality of life every day -- makes me a better mom and a better, stronger person. When I was with Mr. Fantastic, I always deferred. With My Guy, I feel strong and capable even when I'm asking his advice.
I'm sorry if this was a hijack or a crazy gooey gush fest. I want you to feel like what you want is possible for you. A dear friend who married later in life gave me this guidance (I don't know if you have religious faith but I do...): God didn't make us to be incomplete. If you have the desire in you to be married, then there is a person out there for you. But you have to give the search up to faith (or God, or the universe... However you like to phrase these things). That's not just giving up on the desire, but a willingness to conduct yourself as though that person will arrive in your life, and your mission is to be as ready for her as you can be, by working to be your best self.
So for whatever all that is worth....
That was pretty awesome maybell, thank you for that.
Maybell that was not a hijack at all. I greatly appreciate you telling me that story. I've heard things like this before but see that's the thing - it's just so foreign to me and to others I've talked with. I just can't for the life of me figure out why this online thing works for some and not for others? The widow I met last year that lives too far to make any R work found the same thing I have. In fact that is what connected us. I was not all that interested, not disinterested but just hanging out when she brought up how online dating was like "the land of misfit toys" and I was like - no kidding! From there we found out we have a lot in common. I am pretty sure we'd be dating if she didn't live 10 hours away.
I rarely if ever connect with anyone - they won't chat, won't return emails or if they do are gone as soon as they are there. Now I had a good experience last week where someone immediately wanted to talk on the phone - which i prefer anyhow. She was very nice just not my type. But for the most part I get nothing.
It was a kid in a candy store for you? See for me it's like a kid in an abandoned candy store - which may be worse. I'm really hoping for and expecting the candy and it's either been taken or I can't have any. I do a fair amount of weeding out but have met a dozen without a second date. I feel and sound like such a loser just saying these things - and then add to it this has never been the case for me in real life prior to D.
I've had that same "That's Me." They will list a dozen things they are looking for and 10 or 11 will be me. I think, wow its' all there- at least for them. I email and hear NOTHING back. That's often even worse yet. Once in a while I'll get back "I don't think we are a match" I don't ask but think to myself, how is that possible, I'm everything you claim to want. I'm thinking, I am pretty much everything you claim you want yet you won't even respond to an email? I just don't get it.
That again then just brings me back to what in the hell am I doing wrong? You did this in two weeks? I've done online (on and off mind you) since 2008. I've had my Match profile active for two years now - two straight years. I tried to quit at the start of this year and then they gave me that cheap offer to stay and I did. Still, don't get much at all. It's maddening - among other emotions.
I do wonder why God is doing this to me. The only thing that I do know is if I do find a solid match, I will not at all take it for granted. If this last 5 years has taught me anything it's that. It seems to be soooooo rare to find someone I truly want to spend time with that also feels the same. In fact, it's not really happened in a long, long time. So I do have that. I really don't want to get married again. I just don't. I never say never but if that is someone's goal they are better off passing me by as I likely am not going to give them what they want. That doesn't mean no commitment, etc. I just see no point in trying this again - especially since the D rate for 3rd marriages is nearly 80%, Yeah, no thank you. I'll pass on those odds.
I do feel myself pulling back - hopefully in a positive way like you are saying. I just really fear that what you and the others are saying will happen some day just is not going to. I look back at posts here from 2006 and 2007 with people saying that to me - and here we are 10 years later and I'm still waiting!
Hi Don, I don't think you are a loser at all, or doing things wrong...but I do think it is useful to go with DB principles and 'do what works.' It doesn't sound as though the current online arrangements are really working for you and perhaps it's time to knock that one on the head and follow a different path.
Part of me says - why not just suspend the desire to meet someone else for now, take the pressure off and just enjoy going with the flow on a solo basis. Otherwise, why not think about a different approach towards meeting people. For example, the salsa class I go to has many nice D'd women (and guys) who attend...not saying take up salsa - but activities that attract both genders and where you can go and make friends without the 'list' of - are we suited? No you only have 10 of my criteria and so I won't email again...I'm not sure whether the world of online dating is the place to be just now as it is full of rejection and you are already wondering what am I doing wrong and am I a failure? (No - you are complete, whole and perfectly imperfect just as you are....and worthy of love and connection.)
If you want to carry on actively seeking someone - have you considered going with a more niche site...XH and I met on a friendship/dating site shared around a current interest...walking groups....church....volunteering etc.
Also, from what you post, it sounds as though you have tons going for you and sometimes it helps to challenge our own mindsets. Instead of thinking - I haven't got a partner and others seem to manage this - focusing on the abundance in our lives already. Instead of my life is half over - I have good health and half my life left to live. Some of your comments sound a little 'midlifey' - I worry that I'll never have this again. My life is half over. I never had these problems in my 20s and so on...Have you watched Shawn Achor's TED talk on happiness? I always revisit that one if I feel in need of a boost...
Lastly, I wouldn't worry about not wanting to marry again. I think there are many women out there who would feel the same...and as for the 'list' - I think the 'spark' is more important and it is good to meet a guy who is comfortable in his own skin and radiates that - who is authentic and grounded. That's what I would seek anyway....
So, I think it could be worth taking the focus off dating, stepping back and focusing on some of the spiritual, internal stuff - how am I feeling and why, what messages am I giving myself. How am I looking after myself and nourishing my own soul etc...
Just my thoughts anyway Don and I hope something in here is useful for you...
My story wasnt' meant to be prescriptive -- I was just telling you how it worked for me. I got lucky and met My Guy after two weeks -- but as I said, he waited five years for me. And he and I almost didn't get off the ground -- he was a little slow to pursue me at first I kept dating other people till he got where I wanted him to be.
As far as the candy store thing -- I got my share of lack of response, ghosting, etc. It was a candy store because I could go back and window shop and imagine what my life might be like with a guy like this or a guy like that. It wasn't that I had my pick of whatever I wanted. I just wasn't at all invested in getting dates. I did stretch my previous boundaries of who I was wiling to engage with, and I met two guys who seemed really nice online that I never went beyond the occasional message exchange with because I couldn't imagine how I, a woman with a graduate degree, would engage with someone who had only a high school diploma.
I will say this -- I went out with one guy who told me in advance that he had "a LOT of experience with first dates" -- and the single hour I spent with him was EXCRUCIATING. There was not one topic of conversation we covered in which he had not had some experience he found just utterly negative. We talked about books, movies, music, etc., and in every single one of those areas there was eye-rolling and sighing and a general aggravation with how the experience had worked out. He also blew up my phone with text photos of his adult coloring book of circus animals. It was awful. There is almost certainly nothing wrong with you but if a lot of your dissatisfaction bleeds out with your dates as it does here, that would be something to examine and get under control.
Like I said, though, I really just want to encourage you that one way or another, if there is something you are seeking you are meant to have it. But you have to invest yourself in being ready when it shows up. However you get there, whether it's online dating or just hanging out or whatever, if you're not the person you want to be to get what you want, you will not find it. You have to live like you're already complete.
What people say they want and what attracts them are night and day different. Half the time they are saying what they think they ought to want, or what they think will look attractive to the person they actually are interested in.
Don -
You should think about posting your dating profile here, we could probably give you some feedback.
But also - you need to think a little differently about online dating. You might have to contacts dozens....even hundreds..... Before getting a good response. And you can't take it personally.
For instance ..... The woman who you thought you met all her requirements, and she wrote back that you weren't a match? Maybe you look just like her abusive ex husband. Or maybe there's something else in your profile that tells her you wouldn't match.
I stopped replying to people I wasn't interested in btw, because no matter how polite I was about it, too many wrote back with angry messages. So don't be upset if someone just doesn't answer. They might not be active, or they might not be interested and scared to say so because of weirdos.
My friend is online dating right now, and she showed me a profile of a guy who had written to her. Looked ok until she flipped through his photos, which featured his very nice motorcycle. She nixed him because of that.
See, it's not just that she's a cautious intellectual person. It's also that her husband died of dementia due to a head injury from a bicycle accident. She cared for him many long heartbreaking years before his death, so she's never going to be comfortable with the fear that a motorcycle riding boyfriend would bring up. No judgment on him, it's just not a match for her.
Also, the nature of online dating is that you may be chatting with several people at once, then go out on a date that's a winner, and suddenly you're not active online anymore. It's a little different than dating IRL.
Don, reading your story I wonder if you really want a R. Sometimes we think we want something but we don't really. I ask because you say that you have found someone but you feel it is impossible due to distance.
People have long distance relationships and move further than that all the time. I moved from Europe to be with WH. He had an affair with OW who lived 3 states away and who has now moved in with WH, away from all of her family. I moved 1000 miles away to live with family (because I had nowhere else to go when WH wanted to separate).
Why is it impossible for you to pursue this? Is it a 10 hour flight or drive?
I can't seem to find it, but you had made a mention of where there was a responsive woman, but YOU didn't feel the chemistry.
Well, that's not a fail. It was a decent woman, who had interest in you, who responded, who didn't ghost you, but you didn't feel the spark. So, maybe you will feel the spark with an interested woman soon.
re: replying to emails. I get many many many emails on these sites. I can't respond to all of them. I weed out the ones that say "hi". You need to give me more than a "hi" I honestly don't reply to those who seem incompatible off the bat. Nor do I reply to those who's opening line is "hey sexy". I know that is not what you are doing.
Women unfortunately get tons more emails from men and just can't go through them all. If someone takes the time to write out a nice message, I respond.
One other thing: big turnoff for me is when a guys profile is everything they DON'T want in a woman. When it is more negative than positive. I don't need to know your deal breakers right up front. Reframe it into positives. Again, I have no clue what your profile says, but maybe take another look.
I honestly exchanged a few emails with a guy and then got busy and hadn't logged ont the app (I had actually just been done with it) when I didn't respond, he reached out and I thought it was nice, so I reached back out and apologized and we are reconnected and he is interested in going out, and even though I have put dating on the back burner, I think I am going to take him up on it.
Step back, take a breather. And remember, meetups and hobbies are a good way to meet people too.
HI Don,
I just stumbled across this thread and *this* is one of my favorite topics. You have received some stellar feedback from some of my favorite posters (Hi MB, KML and Ginger!!! Here is my 2 cents or maybe it is actually a nickel's worth...For what it is worth, I OLD for exactly 3 weeks and met my NG thru a friend. However, I have many, many friends who OLD.
OLD kind of creates a shopping cart mentality and a perception of choice. Yeah, you get a lot of people to look through and you certainly can meet people that you would not normally meet. The reality is that *some* people have a checklist. Yes, we should all have dealbreakers but I wonder when my 40 yr old friend who really wants to get married and have kids doesn't like guys under 6ft tall. She all of 4'11. And I wonder, if you have a great relationship and this person sticks by you, are you going to say on your deathbed that I wish Z was taller? However, you can't change what people are "looking for." They will either compromise or not and some people will be alone at the end of the party. I also think OLD *can* create the impression for some people that "there is always something better." Again, most of those peeps aren't probably really R material anyway.
Everyone is spot on that people show you who they are pretty early. No one likes rejection. Nope. Not at all. I readily admit that while I am probably considered conventionally attractive(as many, many people are so I hope I don't sound like I'm all about myself) by society (I have a death grip on cute and I feel like it's on the farewell tour 2016), I have been rejected. Lots. Or at least I perceived it as rejection. Please don't take these things personally. It certainly doesn't mean you aren't attractive-it just may mean other people are looking for something else. Don't spend too much time thinking about that. I know it stings. Trust me. I do. However, if you dwell on what's not happening, it will make it more challenging to make things happen.
There are many flaky people out there. You just have to accept that culturally it is common and not get bogged down in thinking you are the cause of it.
In regards to lowering standards, this is my very humble opinion. We should all have things that are important to us. However, as I have gotten older and at this stage (and just like everyone else here, I had no idea I would be dating again) there are certain things that aren't as big of a deal. Like I used, to want to make sure I got my Dad's approval when it came to a mate. My dad passed away 3 years ago. I have to use my own instincts to know that "yes, Dad would like this guy!" and use best judgment. Well, because I'm the one in the R
Please remember this. Just because someone is on a dating site, does not mean they are looking for a R. They may be seeking a hook up, simple companionship, and/or just *seeing what is out there.* I have many, many close male friends. I'm well versed in what is out there and I am grateful to have that.
I know some people who have success in OLD and some who have met many nice people, but nothing has materialized into anything serious. Work on being your best self. What Ginger said is spot on^^^^^. The don'ts come across as negative. I'm sure it can get frustrating and just remember this. Just like in DBing, have zero expectations. We don't control how people behave or respond. I can very honestly tell you I have NEVER had a bad date. Why? Because I knew if I went I would have fun-not necessarily because of the other person, rather that I was going to enjoy myself as much as possible.
Hang in there!
Oh and Don (I had no idea edit button no longer worked. Sigh!), I just went back and read from the beginning. Congratulations on being clean for so many years. That is a wonderful accomplishment:)
I also read the words "picky" and "won't settle." Again, I think we have turned settling into a bad thing. We ALL settle on certain things or at least something. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. Or perhaps that is the incorrect terminology as "compromise" might be more appropriate.
One other thing: big turnoff for me is when a guys profile is everything they DON'T want in a woman. When it is more negative than positive. I don't need to know your deal breakers right up front. Reframe it into positives. Again, I have no clue what your profile says, but maybe take another look.
Ditto. A list of "don't" is a huge turnoff. And some of the "don't's" are ridiculous anyway. The other day I saw a man's profile that said he wouldn't date anyone into juicing, vegan, or gluten-free. How controlling is that?
My eyes also glaze over at two things: 1) saying that he's not into drama and 2) that he wants a woman who is equally at home in jeans as a LBD. Every man says that. Every. One. Be different
Posting your profile here is a good idea, if you are brave enough, you'll get some good feedback from some great women.
Personally if she is wearing a LBD every day that will do. Or is that a Nun?
. Kinky but hey so what.....
You guys are so awesome! Lots of great stuff for me again. I'll try to respond to some of them. I will also include my latest profile at the end.
SOTO - "the current online arrangements are really working for you and perhaps it's time to knock that one on the head and follow a different path." - Clearly it's not and getting worse. Now I don't put a lot of time in at this point anymore and that may be it but I've sort of already given up. To be honest the last four women I went out with did not come from online. It almost seems like the older I get/the longer I've tried, the less dates I even get from online.
SOTO - "why not just suspend the desire to meet someone else for now, take the pressure off and just enjoy going with the flow on a solo basis." While I don't disagree with you, that's what I was pretty much doing from 2009-2013. How do I get to the top of the mountain if I stop climbing?
SOTO - "So, I think it could be worth taking the focus off dating, stepping back and focusing on some of the spiritual, internal stuff - how am I feeling and why, what messages am I giving myself. How am I looking after myself and nourishing my own soul etc..." That's sort of what I'm doing in a way by coming back here. I guess it's the frustration of it all that's really gotten me down the most. This should also just not be this hard - and this frustrating! But again, I have to ask if I want to climb a mountain and that's my goal, how am I working towards my goal by suspending my climb?
MAYBELL - "There is almost certainly nothing wrong with you but if a lot of your dissatisfaction bleeds out with your dates as it does here, that would be something to examine and get under control." I went on a date a few years ago like you describe. She was so negative about anything and everything! I finally couldn't take it anymore and pretty much beyond my control, "I gotta go" bust out of my mouth in mid sentence. LOL. So I hear you. Thing is, I don't think that's me and sadly all but one of the dates did not go to a second because of my choice. Even the one I would have went out with a second time very likely was not a fit either - just enough of one for a second date had she been interested. So I'm not saying THEY are not interested in a second date - as much or more of the time, I'm not interested. This really is a double edged problem I have here. While I most certainly struggle to find women who are interested in me, I find it even harder to locate women with whom I'm interested - even when I am trying to accept those beyond my typical or my comfort zone. But to answer your question, I'm not at all saying the things on dates that I'm saying here - not at all. I just focus on having fun and being myself.
MAYBELL - "But you have to invest yourself in being ready when it shows up." And if I'm not a complex case as it is, this is my next fear. I really hope that after all of this I will appreciate just how rare it is for me to find someone I'm interested in and then who is also interested in me. I fully acknowledged however that it is very possible what you are saying could happen - I won't be ready when or in my case if it shows up. I hope I am and I'm trying to be but it is a concern.
KML - "You might have to contacts dozens....even hundreds..... Before getting a good response. And you can't take it personally." I fully acknowledged I am not putting a huge amount of time in OLD. That is both good and bad from how I see it in that those of you saying I should take a break, just let it happen, not try so hard, well in a way I already am doing that. I don't spend several hours each day going through the profiles - it's more like several hours a week. Again, I've not had a date from online all year - and it's August. They have all been from in person meetings.
KML - "I stopped replying to people I wasn't interested in btw, because no matter how polite I was about it, too many wrote back with angry messages. So don't be upset if someone just doesn't answer." I've heard this a lot. You'll see below I even put it in my profile. I'm very careful not to do it myself but I do fully get that many women won't respond at all due to bad previous experiences like you report.
PAINTER - "I wonder if you really want a R. Sometimes we think we want something but we don't really. I ask because you say that you have found someone but you feel it is impossible due to distance. Why is it impossible for you to pursue this? Is it a 10 hour flight or drive?" 10 hour drive. Let's be honest, long distance R's are difficult. That being said, it's not ME but HER who doesn't want to try the long distance thing. I met her when I was in her hometown with a band I was performing with. At first she said we could be "pen-pals" and was pretty firm not even consider anything else. She then came to Chicago for work (I'm near Milwaukee) and we went on our first date - and had a great time. We've gone out several times since and keep in touch on a pretty regular basis. I was hoping things would continue but she was widowed 4 years ago and I'm not sure she is fully ready. On top of it, she's only dated one guy more than once. Her D17 saw some text messages from the guy and FREAKED OUT. She was a daddy's girl and the thought of her mom dating someone was too much. So she does all she can to keep this out of her daughter's view - which makes it even all that much harder. I'd totally go spend some weekends with her but can't due the D situation. She, by far, is the nicest lady I've met in many years. I would love to see what might happen but that ball is in her court. She actually seems to have been reaching out more the past couple months so perhaps change will come? Who knows. I can just tell you I'd be happy to try and made that known. She is not.
GINGER1 - "You had made a mention of where there was a responsive woman, but YOU didn't feel the chemistry. Well, that's not a fail." You are correct and I could give you a list of others. This is what makes my sitch, hell my life, even that much more complicated as I feel like I'm looking for lightening to strike. It's not only finding someone who is interested in me, but who I'm interested in as well. I'm not willing to settle. I'd still rather be happy by myself than miserable or even less than happy with someone else. I am very independent. I've always been very good at being on my own. I don't NEED someone - far from it. I do however WANT to have someone - and when I say WANT someone, I mean, just to do things with, travel with, spend weekends with. I would do casual and occasional right up through regular or permanent.
GINGER1 - "re: replying to emails. I get many many many emails on these sites." And I get NONE!!!!!! Why is that? Is it just because I'm a guy? Okay, I can't say I get none but I can say I get next to none and I've gotten none from anyone that is of even a little bit of interest to me. The few I get are either from scammers or from women who are sooooo far from anything I'd even begin to consider a match it's not even funny. I can only imagine having that problem - too many emails that I can't even respond. That's such a foreign concept to me I can't even tell you.
GEORGABELLE - "There are many flaky people out there. You just have to accept that culturally it is common and not get bogged down in thinking you are the cause of it." This too is part of the challenge - I totally agree. I just had this conversation with a friend where I said "Why can't I just find a normal woman?" This is part of the frustration. It's not at all that I'm finding these seemingly great ladies who are not interested. Not at all the case - I'm finding tons of misfits that I have zero interest in. Again, the 10 hours away lady that I'd love to date and I had this discussion when we first met - it's sort of what connected us. She calls OLD "the land of misfit toys"
GEORGABELLE - "I also read the words "picky" and "won't settle." Again, I think we have turned settling into a bad thing. We ALL settle on certain things or at least something. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US." No one is perfect. There are always going to be things that I may "settle" for. What I'm saying is if it gets to the point that I'd rather be by myself than with this person, it's just not worth it. That's what I'm trying to say I will not do. If I would rather have my current situation rather than be with this person, it's not worth it.
Just because I didn't respond to the many other great comments doesn't mean I didn't read or even use them. So, thanks again to all of you.
And now, by popular request, here is, the latest OLD profile. I've changed it probably a dozen times over the past two years. In general it's shorter now than in previous months. I've tried a variety of things - more specifics, less specifics, more about me, less about me, etc. So this is just the latest version but will give you a pretty good idea. So go ahead, let me know what you think! I will also try to see if I can find a few of the previous versions as well. Also, keep in mind that this OLD site separately lists interests, hobbies, stats, etc. so that's why they are not duplicated in the profile narrative.
____________________________________
Thanks for stopping by to take a look! I’m an extremely honest, very reliable, sarcastically funny, diversely accomplished, guy. I'm pretty laid back and easy going. I'm told I'm pretty funny but you do have to get my sarcasm for that to be the case. We (my friends and I) do laugh a lot, I do know that. There may be some occasional eye rolling too.
I would love to meet someone fun, compatible, smart and interesting, to do things with. That's first on the list. From there, who knows? I'm really open to just about anything but rarely rush into it. I'm totally fine with casual, with the same person, as well. I'm pretty sure that whatever is meant to be is what will happen - eventually. I tend to connect best with someone comfortable and confident in themselves who is more on the out-going side. I really do have a great life already. I just want to improve on that, especially when it comes to travel, going out, good conversation, spending time together, etc. I've never been the type of guy who "needs" a girlfriend or can't be alone - not even close. I'm very good at taking what comes and that would include being lucky enough to find someone who is the right fit. Hope that all makes sense.
I have to say I'm surprised at how many people here don't seem to follow through, or won't even take a chance and respond to an email or two. Can you really tell you're not a match with someone through a 300-word paragraph? I know I can't. In fact, I often can't tell until I meet someone in person. If we are not a match, we'll figure it out fast enough and I promise I won't take it personally, get mad or cyber stalk you! Again, I really value honesty. So there is no risk in chatting a bit or a quick meet and greet. Plus, what do we have to lose?
No matter what, you'll get complete honesty; no games and I always do what I say I will. Want to know more, just ask!
Don,
As usual, I'm really late to this party. Things offline have kept me busier than usual and I haven't logged in lately. My friends here have made some amazing comments and insights. They're quite awesome, aren't they?
I bring another perspective to this pool. I lost my younger brother to complications from a heroin addiction almost 2 years ago. So congratulations on your sobriety. It's big, and I can say from your experience your family and friends are undoubtedly thrilled to have you back in their lives without that monkey on your back.
I read your OLD profile as a middle aged chick and wonder, "who is this guy?" If your picture looks awesome, I'd probably communicate with you.
But if you're like the rest of us, it doesn't tell me about you at all.
Do you have a personal mission statement of sorts? Do you have things that are super important to you? Are you the kind of person who wants to pay it forward? Has some experience in your life prompted you to become passionate about something? Say, like... mentoring those who are trying to get or stay clean? Dig deep. What brings you joy? Are you a dog lover or someone who believes in the arts? Church? Civic involvement? Tell me more.
All of my friends here asked some terrific questions. Ginger commenting on not labeling things as right hit me. Ellie (KML) commenting that motorcycle story. GB, who is ever intuitive and direct. (Love them.)
I came to your thread not having an inkling about your story today. (Like I said, life off the computer just got nutso.) I also wonder if you label things as bad or write them off due to being picky or setting as a means of not addressing your own baggage? It's not a judgement... just a question. What would happen if you just hit the reset button with your OLD thing and just told yourself that rather than writing people off who are neutral, you'd give yourself a chance to find out more?
We all have our stories, Don. It's what makes us interesting. Getting to know people is fun. Asking questions is a great way to see what makes people tick. I'm not saying that you initiate contact with someone whose lifestyle and/or values are not in synch with yours... there is no way I would find a marathon runner or avid biker my cup of tea (and I can promise you that my lack of interest in their avocations would turn them off as well).
That being said, have you thought of doing more of what you like and see if someone interesting isn't there waiting for you? I know you are a musician, so have you thought of hooking up with some sort of meetup group that is musically inclined? What if your special person is a drummer or a keyboard chick? Wouldn't that make your passion for music a little closer to home?
That being said, I'm going to quote you on your response to Maybell:
And if I'm not a complex case as it is, this is my next fear. I really hope that after all of this I will appreciate just how rare it is for me to find someone I'm interested in and then who is also interested in me. I fully acknowledged however that it is very possible what you are saying could happen - I won't be ready when or in my case if it shows up. I hope I am and I'm trying to be but it is a concern.
Here, put on my pair of glasses. I might be the only one here who feels this way, but I doubt it... I find it a complete turn on when a man is fully invested in his life and not waiting. On anything or anyone. He's immersed in his life and isn't closed off to inviting me into the inner circle, but his life is 100% his. Does this make sense? I don't want someone who wants me to bring 25% to make him whole. I want two whole people who are kicking ass and taking names just by having 2 100%ers in the pool. I'm willing to wait for it and him. But until that day comes, I'm living my life at full speed.
And yes, I'm not saying that you should want to explore folks who have deal breakers. Mine is smoking. I'll be friends with them, but I won't be doing the dirty with them. I understand the giving up part. I'm not doing OLD at all anymore. It's not a judgement... I just spend my entire work day on a computer and I don't want to have any more intimate contact with it than I do already. Computers make me money.
So, why not reframe your profile to give people a truly honest look at what you have to offer?
Betsey
As far as the amount of emails I get....
IT IS BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN.
It's just the way it is. I do not send any unless I am really interested. Men usually take the first step. So, it has nothing to do with you personally at all.
Let's say I get 10 emails in one day. MAYBE one of them is of quality. "HI" does not count. "I want to wife you up" (seriously, this happens, and it doesn't count)" "Hey sexy" does not count either. So quality wise, my number is low.
For what it's worth, I am also looking for lightening to strike. I want someone who fits the bill of what I am looking for. But it's not a failure, it's just frustrating that you haven't yet. but really, you may find that someone might have more in common than you thought if you give one of those interested women a date. Your goals might be more similar than you think.
As for your online profile. I thought it was all great. Except for the last part. Leave out the part where you are shocked about how many people don't follow through. no need to even mention it. Because obviously it isn't eliminating the women who don't follow through. Just leave out the last part, that can be a discussion you have when you make contact. keeping it shorter and sweeter is sometimes a good idea.
I really do agree with Betsey. It's time to go out and do more in person activities that interest you and you never know who you will meet along the way.
I know if I had time, I would join a hiking club, take cooking classes (I'm a good cook, but it's fun to learn new things) maybe an art class. The guy I was dating took a pottery class when we were dating and he was the only guy.......
You have options. use them!
So I've got one person saying the OLD profile should be much more detail and say more of who I'm am and one saying not to change a thing other than removing the end. Such is the nature of opinions on such things. I actually at one time had a lot more detail as to what I wanted, who I was, what I enjoyed, etc. I had multiple people suggest I NOT include those things, that they were far better to be things to discuss when you meet. I was told that the goal was to find potential interesting people and the details came later as part of the process. I tend to agree.
Was hoping since many people asked me to post the profile more than two would comment. I do tend to write a lot so many of you may still be trying to read it all.
As for a mission statement, I very much had my life planned out. Sadly life had another plan. For as long as I can remember my plan was to work really hard, get ahead and retire early to travel and have fun. The plan totally came together and I officially declared semi-retirement 5 years ago at 48. The rest just had not happened as planned.
This week has been the second in recent months of low productivity. I hope I'm not hitting a depression here. That happened in 2008 and it was brutal. To make matters worse, one of my major life accomplishments was building the state association I ran for nearly 20 years into the largest of its type in the USA. Sadly the current board of directors is killing it one piece at a time. Membership is down nearly 25%, staff have quit and the iceberg is clearly ahead. I still contract some services to them and it's truly depressing to see.
On a positive note, had some great interactions this week with the widow 10 hours from me. She shipped two of her three kids back to college this week. Amazing what that does for looking into the future.
Beyond that, not much new to report.
Don,
My apologies as I thought I had commented on this. My apologies as I thought I had commented on this again I only online dated for three weeks but I have helped other people with their profiles. However that doesn't make me an expert 😉
Please don't take this the wrong way but I remember you saying that you were very sarcastically funny. I certainly believe you but that doesn't come across in this post. My headline was "Looking for a domestic goddess who loves to cook? Then the first line saiD , "Then read no further. I'm not the one for you." I would think that people who do online dating for a long periods of time need to try to do things to sort of stand out. Granted , I understand many people just look at the photos. However, if you're looking for someone funny and that is extremely important to you ( it is to me!!!!) then you need to show that you're funny.
I also think that when you put the line about something casual is OK, some might belive you are just looking for a hook up or a booty call. Women are very sensitive to those things particularly if they are looking for something serious . If you would consider that that's fine I just probably wouldn't put it in the profile. Those things have a way of sorting themselves out once you meet.
Like Ginger said if you are a woman you are literally inundated with hundreds of emails . That means exactly nothing . And I certainly didn't consider the plethora of emails from 19-year-old boys who went to the college where I graduated from 20 some odd years ago as potential prospects . I am more than well aware they were not looking for anything other than a Mrs. Robinson type experience . I even took the time to write some of them back saying "I know where you go to school. I graduated from there trust me you can get la!d. ". I wish them good luck and again I was only on there for three weeks.
Make sure your pictures look nice. You seem like a nice guy so keep at it.
And please forgive any typos I was on my phone
Georgia - thank you very much for taking the time to comment. I greatly appreciate it plus think you provided some great thoughts, especially the humor part. Very good point.
I am curious why you were only online for three weeks? What happened? And if you tell me you met the man of your dreams that fast, I swear I will come and hunt both you and Maybell down as its bad enough she had off the charts luck - I don't think I can take two of you pulling that off.
.
Don -- My Guy wasn't the man of my dreams -- he was someone I was willing to take a chance on and it paid off better than expected, over time. It almost didn't. From his side of the table, I was (and still am, as you've seen) anxious and suspicious and hesitant, alternating with very enthusiastic and always an engaged listener. From my side, he moved way too slowly and (and a couple of other things that worked out to be non-issues), alternating with being someone who clearly needs the sort of nurturing I enjoy providing, who nurtures me in ways I've never experienced before, and who could show me things about the world that I want to see. Somehow we connect, and we both value the connection. He wasn't the guy I was most excited to go out with before I met him. By a long shot. But he didn't drag out the chatting, etc., over a long time. We exchanged three messages, maybe, and he asked me to lunch, and after that we really didn't interact until we met in person. The promptness of it meant that I wasn't totally worked up over how well it was going to go, which probably made it easier for both of us to connect with each other when we did.
The thing about him I value most is the connection. When it's good, it's unbelievably good, and when I get anxious, you've seen how I get. That has nothing to do with whether the profile is full or skimpy, with the LBD/jeans question, etc. What it came down to was, he was willing to take a chance on me, and I was willing to take a chance on him, and over time, as we got to know each other, it worked out. (Though I immediately ruled out everyone who said versions of "No drama please" because of what it said about where their hearts and minds were. Like I'm going to self-identify as a drama queen!)
It may be worth pointing out that there were certain minimum requirements he met for me to be willing to take the chance, but they basically had to do with not being intolerably negative or self-absorbed.
I DON'T KNOW if this is going to work out forever. There are still kinks to iron out (you've seen a few of the ones on my side...) I have some growing and healing to do before I'm a safe risk for him, too, and I know it.
Thank you for your thoughts over on my thread. I appreciate the male perspective. I'm still mulling over all the good insights I got over there so I'm not responding till I've digested all of it and worked through the automatic resistance to vulnerability.
Don,
Oh gosh no. Please don't think I met my dream man in 3 weeks. I had a crush on the guy that worked in my lobby. On a whim I joined a site at 2 am, and voila! There he was. And I was not looking for anything serious. Ryan Gosling could have been at my front door and while I would have thought he was hot caca, I would have closed the door. Well, after playing tonsil darts for a bit.
I am very much a free spirit and I have always attracted men looking for relationships. I had been in relationships since I was 21 (give or take 2 months in between relationships) so I thought that I needed to be by myself. And it was definitely the right decision for me.
I know many people have thought about what they want in a partner, my reflection has been more about what I can and cannot be in a relationship. I am the only common denominator. I have always been in relationships with good guys, however, at some point I shut down and they become extremely frustrated with me. I now understand that and don't look at my relationships as failures, but rather just chapters in my life.
I have 3 kids under 13 and there dad may see them 4 nights a month or no nights. My free time is precious so I decided about a year ago that dating may not ever be in my future. And if I found someone great. And if I didn't? Life would still be pretty awesome.
One of my guy friends said one of his friends saw my SM posts and thought I was cute. My friend said he's a really cool guy and that I should grab a drink with him. I didn't feel particularly anything but I knew I would have fun. I laughed so hard I cried 3 times on that date. I liked him but didn't think much about it.
It's been 6 or 7 weeks since then and he's a fantastic guy. I was very honest with him and that I just can't go places very often so if you want to get to know me you're going to have to come visit my house . I realize that doesn't sound enticing to many but he said he understands that I'm a package . So far so good.
It is a bit different this time around because I have a fantastic time with him and I'm so happy to see him. It is a bit different this time around because I have a fantastic time with him and I'm so happy to see him. However, when he leaves my life is still really good and I still have fun. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in the past I put my relationship and such a high priority that I neglected other areas of my I guess what I'm trying to say is that in the past I put my relationship and such a high priority that I neglected other areas of my life . I cannot do that with children . They come first and a relationship would have to be secondary at this point . And for the first time everything feels like it has a balance .
Please keep at it . I genuinely believe there is someone for everyone . The challenges we don't know when we will meet that person and it may not be on our own time frame. I do know that we should enjoy every day is much as possible because things can change in an instant. I do know that we should enjoy every day is much as possible because things can change in an instant .
Again excuse all typos. I don't proof when I post on my phone. Sorry for he gibberish.
LOL, I thought I was losing my mind! As I'm reading, I'd think, "Didn't I just read that sentence?" and I'd look back and sure enough I had. Then it happened again! And it happened yet again!!! LOL. I really was laughing about it - after figuring out I really wasn't losing my mind those sentence really were duplicated. Perhaps they needed emphasis?
And just for the record, I really was only kidding about you and Maybell both striking it rich online in weeks. I really would not have come and hunt you down.
I did also want to reiterate to everyone once again (I know there is so much to try to read and remember with all of the various people on here) but for many years I was very much living the take it as it comes life with no need nor urgency about it. Friends would even occasionally try to introduce me to someone and I'd most often decline. It wasn't until I actually was hoping to meet someone that it started to bother me. Then all of a sudden I was like, eeek, I've been divorced for 10 years and really have not said ILY to anyone romantically. Right or wrong, I think many people would find that in and of itself to be a red flag - no R in 10 years? Again, right or wrong, that is not average (normal). If I could have my way I'd totally love having just someone to travel with, do things with, etc. - the ultimate friend with benefits if you will. I just know that's probably not realistic at least over the long term so I'm willing to try on all sorts of options. Clearly it's not going to be on my timetable, that's clear. The thing is, you're point about life is short really hits home. I don't want the last 3 years to be the way it ends.
Hi Don,
I'm going to try to post like a sane person this time:-) I have some single friends who would like to get M and have children. They are late 30s. A couple of them spent many, many years with men who flat out said, "I don''t know if I want to get married or have kids." And now that these women finally ended those relationships after years, they want to know where all of these "good" guys are. I think we occasionally think that when we are ready, whatever we are looking for will be there. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. And while there are many fantastic single people, some just aren't either a) interested in a relationship or b) not relationship material.
I can't speak for the women you chat with (and my guy friends don't OLD), but some of the women I know try to date like they did when they were 22. He's perfect except he's not tall enough! He's great but he's bald! I've never met anyone better but I like guys with tattoos!! Get my point? I'm sure some men do this too. Like I said, I don't online date however, I can see where someone falls into the trap of thinking they are viewing a catalog of potential mates. It's really just another tool to meet someone. Heck, my ex SIL met her ex h in ICU. (Nope. Not a typo). I know someone who met her h at a garage sale. It's not the norm but it is a reminder that people do meet in person. I'm a total nerd and I believe I read from the Pew Institute that 92% of marriages are because of IRL meetings. Yes, I also know people who have met online and gotten married as well.
Keep your options open and don't be afraid to just meet someone even if she doesn't check the boxes. Just my 2 cents.
What she said ^^^^^^.
LOL, I didn't mean to have word diarrhea on your profile! I just want to know the meat.
I'm a year older than you, and when I've been trolling online, I only interact with people who give me enough information to proceed. Like GB said, if you're funny, show me. ;-)
A couple years back I put a profile up on How About We. Though I haven't met a long term person there (I'm a IRL person now), the dates were fun. There were some incredibly hilarious profiles that literally made me laugh out loud. I wanted to go out with a slew of them just to see how fun they were in person. But then I got busy and met someone else (who turned out to be a real jerk wad).
I still stand by jumping into your life and seeing who pops in while you're already busy having fun and kicking ass. The best relationships I've ever had (including my now XH), we started out as friends. The friend angle works for me, and I think it's probably where I'll find success. I do have a friend here that used to work for me that I really enjoy personally, and we have a lot in common. He's traveling right now, but I think I'm open to finding out if there's something more when he gets back. He's funny and loves sports (especially baseball) and I can't imagine myself not being with someone like him. And BTW, his name is Don. Haha!!!
I also know people who met in weird places and circumstances. My parents, for example. My dad is a retired DC cop. My mom was 22 and living with a roommate when some pervert tried to break in. My dad responded to the call. His friend married her roommate and became my godfather. I'm serious!
She just might be selling Mary Kay to your next door neighbor. Just sayin'...
Hi DonH,
Forget the life being short stuff. That is Victim Mode. You know it too.
Man up. Grab life by its b@lls. Live it.
Got it?
Surfer.
DonH if you take the url html out of your signature it will actually put the link in.
Okay I've taken a step back from the online and other dating focus so I've not had much to update on my thread here although I have been posting on others. However as I just sat down to watch my DVR of the Doctor Phil Show today I have come to the conclusion there clearly is no justice. Wait until my friend here Ginger hears this one she's much in the same place as me.
And so, you may have heard of Steven Avery from the Netflix making a murder series. Ever seen that? If not, Google Steven Avery. Not only is this guy convicted of a brutal murder, he's a bumpkin trailer trash dweller. No one ever has called him "hot". I mean take away the murder conviction and Never mind he's in prison for life and he's just not marriage material even without those things. So imagine my surprise when the news reports he's engaged. Oh and by the way this murder happened 75 miles from my house. Anyhow, so I tune in, fully expecting to see a crazy, trailer trash partner - right? Imagine my shock when this beautiful, tall thin blonde walks out on stage. I'm like WTF? Well spoken and she's a fricken paralegal! Now never mind she has to be toys in the attic but c'mon, how can it be possible that Steven Avery gets a hot girlfriend and I can't even get a date! SERIOUSLY? Google lynn Hartman to see a photo of her.
OMG there just is no justice. Lol. Hopefully you are all appreciating my humor here, but really? How does this work? Seriously it is telling to hear what she has to say. It's all about someone needing her, loving her, helping her through a divorce. Really? I mean really? This is an example of the crazy people us single guys and gals have to weed through.
I'm seriously laughing my butt off here but still the irony. Lol mind blown. Steven Avery has more game than I do. OMG!
This may be a relief... Steven Avery dumped her for being a gold digger.
So much for his game, lol. All $6000 of it.
They looked super creepy together.
They've split up already? I'm betting they get back together - it's been that way already according to the story. This is like grade A people watching without even being there.
.
I'm laughing my a$$ off over here!
About 2 years ago when Honey Boo got her own show and Mama June had her boyfriend/baby daddy I saw a meme on FB that said something along the lines of " you are single but Momma June has a boyfriend?" (it was much funnier than that)
Maybe it just goes to show there is someone out there for everyone!
Many fall in love with people doing time. I believe Charles Manson had dozens of proposals. I remember this phenomenon being thought in one of my forensic courses. Usually it is a female who wants to live vicariously through that persons criminal behavior. All I can remember. Lol
And that brings me to a funny story I may have told. About a year after the separation, I was watching TV and I get a collect call from Atlantic County Correction Facility from "BOB" asking if I would accept the call. I told my coworker about this the next day, and I said to her " I know I've been asking God to send me a guy, but I think he misunderstood!" She was very religious and seriously said "That was probably your chance, Ginger, and you missed it! He repented for his sins and God sent him to you!"
I've been clearer in my prayers since then
Thanks for the laughs Maybell. Ginger and others. I too have been praying for God to put someone in my path. I had better clarify just in case. For now I'm just trying to figure out what the DB principle would be to apply dealing with Steven Avery having more women responding to him than I have responding to me on Match! Perhaps I need to update my profile again and add some prison talk?
On a true and honest bright side, I've been hearing more and more from the widow I met a year ago. She is clearly interested and sees how much we have in common. I know we'd at least do a few more dates if she didn't live 10 hours away. That said we are trying to line up some sort of weekend get together - which is the only practical way but I'm sure is scary for any woman on the third date let alone a widow who married her college sweetheart and dated very little. Both of us are clearly interested but I really bet we are also both think g, what if a weekend doesn't go as well as the first 3 to 5 hour dates did? That can be a really long weekend. Nothing is ever easy, is it?
A ship is safe in harbor, but that isn't what a ship is made for, Don.
I think you are going to have To explain that as I don't get it. If you're saying I'm playing it safe, I'm not the one hesitating - she is. I just can sort of understand why. People here are afraid to go on a local date. Imagine not having dated in 25+ years and considering spending a weekend with someone you are just getting to know. So I can understand her hesitance. I on the other hand would do it.
Was that your point? If not, perhaps you can elaborate.
DonH,
I think trumpet is saying that you and the widow should go on a short cruise together with separate, but adjoining, rooms.
He's a genius. Bon voyage!
Lol actually tried that already! We had met a year ago this past weekend when I happened to be in her hometown with s band I traveled there with. Very off the oath if where I visit or perform. We kept in touch and I had put together a cruise for someone who contracts my services. Even though 200 people were going, ok new none of them and could not find anyone to go with me. I floated the idea, no pun intended, but she was less interested back then and totally focused on the distance. Thing is, she did go on a four day cruise with her three kids as two were heading to college in a little while. The kicker is she woke up on the early am to go to the bathroom, lost her footing and broke her arm!
Not so genius in this instance.
DonH,
Give her a call. Tell her you'd like to go on a cruise with her. If she's concerned about getting hurt, like she did on her last cruise, then just tell her that you'd be happy to play doctor.
Go for it!
Actually I've been a paramedic since 1987 so... Crap that's a long time. Although no longer active. Still have my stethoscope though.
How is it life is going so fast! Have now been divorced for 10 years as of a few days ago. Have not been in love since. Last date was a couple months ago. Last cruise was about five years ago.
Okay now I'm getting depressed so time to think about something else.
I'll call or text V tonight and say hi. Doubt we'll be going on a cruise but at least perhaps can figure out our next date. Honestly I'm pretty sure it could be thus weekend if we didn't live 4 states away from each other. Not like either of us can do a 20 hour round trip for a Saturday night out.
Don't laugh, but my friend and I had done speed dating once. Why not we said? I actually got a date out of it. He was a pretty cool guy, but younger than me and our maturity levels didn't match.
But it was kind of a fun experience!
I'll call or text V tonight and say hi. Doubt we'll be going on a cruise but at least perhaps can figure out our next date. Honestly I'm pretty sure it could be thus weekend if we didn't live 4 states away from each other. Not like either of us can do a 20 hour round trip for a Saturday night out.
DonH,
If you don't call her tonight, I'm going to invite you to go skinny dipping with me. Afterward we can have a pint of ale and some spotted dick. I'm hoping that's enough motivation to get you to make that call.
I've always wanted to do speed dating - just for the fun of it. I have a female friend that wanted to go as well. We were just never able to find anyone or any place offering or hosting it. I'd go in a heartbeat if there was. I think that would be so much fun!
Doodler I'm not even sure how to respond but I am now a little scared - so that part worked. Skinny dipping with another guy? Among my already complex personality traits have I mentioned I'm A bit homophobic as well? TMI?
Doodler I'm not even sure how to respond but I am now a little scared - so that part worked. Skinny dipping with another guy? Among my already complex personality traits have I mentioned I'm A bit homophobic as well? TMI?
DonH,
That's perfect! This evening when you pick up the phone to make that call, if there's any hesitation, then just remind yourself, "skinny dipping with doodler..." Make that call and we'll both be glad you did.
My one and only on line dating story:
Cute guy, great chat.
Coffee went well.
Supper went OK too.
We went to a film.
Then late dinner.
Conversation, wine, cheeeeeeeeeese and chat
Coffee at my place I thought.
Nearly..........
Then he said it
"You know V, if I were with you I would not need prostitutes"
Then excuse me need the loo, out the back dooroom, V is gone.
Then a text from my date "I was joking".
Complete NC from V.
---------------------------
No more online dating from me.
V
Hmmmmmm coffee at your place after a first date with a stranger from online? Glad he saved you from yourself there. Just sayin.
No Don that was date 4.
Date 1 Lunchtime coffee
Date 2 Supper snack
DATE 3 film
Date 4 Dinner
Just to clarify and I had chatted online, then on the phone then by Skype then dates 1, 2, 3 and 4
V
....and I just realized how I found that to be hilarious instead of alarming (first date alarming, 4th date, funny). I really should have found that to be alarming on any date.
Oh lord. I should NOT be online dating.
DonH,
I hope you made that call last night? I'm fairly certain you don't want to see doodler naked with a pint of ale in one hand and spotted dick in the other.
Okay V, yeah I'd see nothing wrong with coffee at home after the 4th date. You just said you had an online date and I assumed it was the first. See what happens when I assume?
Doodler I did call. Got voice mail - which is not too uncommon. Get a text back later she is on a business trip and added, "and don't worry it's not Chicago". Guess she already knows what I was thinking. Actually she is way too smart for her own hid sometimes. So hopefully we will connect this weekend.
I can't tell you how much I wish we lived 10 miles away like the guy G is talking to rather than 10 hours away. Add in we each have busy schedules and you see why it is what it is.
But I did call so I'll pphave to decline your invitation. G however can certainly coax me.
.
Don, me and 10 minute away guy just sent one actual message, there is no expectations here.
I have been in mostly long distance dating relationships since the divorce. There is a chance I gravitate towards the because they allow me the time to get done what I need to get done in my busy life without pressure. I then know the time I have planned to spend with that person is ours. As time goes on though, for me with a young kid anyways, as we became more comfortable together to have kids involved I wanted to be closer.
The 10 hours might not be the worst thing if there is a possibility of the two of you living in the same area one day. It could be fun. I find with distance, it's actually more of a chance to get emotionally closer, because that's all you have at the time. Getting to know who eachother is by talking and sharing. I write off 10 hours for myself because I have such a young child. It just couldn't work for me. I did consider, however moving 2 and a half hours away.
Think about it. If you think you guys have a chance, you could actually enjoy this long distance thing!!!
Oh, and I could coax you with spotted dick?
#Ever see that movie with John Goodman, "King Ralph"? Makes me think of spotted dick everytime
DonH,
That's awesome!!! And, I'm relieved that I don't have to follow-through with the skinny dipping, pint of ale and spotted dick.
I find with distance, it's actually more of a chance to get emotionally closer, because that's all you have at the time.
Ginger,
I've noticed the same thing. On eHarmony I tend to be reluctant to start the communication process with women who are near me. If they're further away, I know that we'll have to get to know each other before initiating a date in person. I'd prefer to feel comfortable with the person before making a date.
I guess it would be possible to have the same interaction with someone near me prior to a date, but I don't think I'd have the depth of conversation with someone nearby, prior to a date, that I would have with someone who lives far away. The nearness makes it too easy to schedule a date early in the communication process.
Does that make sense?
No custard on It! That involves Vanilla.
It is better with ice cream.
V
I find with distance, it's actually more of a chance to get emotionally closer, because that's all you have at the time.
Ginger,
I've noticed the same thing. On eHarmony I tend to be reluctant to start the communication process with women who are near me. If they're further away, I know that we'll have to get to know each other before initiating a date in person. I'd prefer to feel comfortable with the person before making a date.
I guess it would be possible to have the same interaction with someone near me prior to a date, but I don't think I'd have the depth of conversation with someone nearby, prior to a date, that I would have with someone who lives far away. The nearness makes it too easy to schedule a date early in the communication process.
Does that make sense?
No
Vanilla,
Oh well, it seemed to make sense when I wrote it. But, I've been listening to "Time to Say Goodbye" with Andrea Bocelli (Italian tenor), so now I'm all mushy and romantic inside and I don't know what to think.
Skinny dip in the English Channel?
Vanilla,
Oh well, it seemed to make sense when I wrote it. But, I've been listening to "Time to Say Goodbye" with Andrea Bocelli (Italian tenor), so now I'm all mushy and romantic inside and I don't know what to think.
Skinny dip in the English Channel?
I think you might want to choose someone you like very much instead of using proximity as a measure. Otherwise if you need distance to slow an R as you really Ready?
Just saying.
Skinny dipping in the English Channel or the Atlantic in October are you crazy?
V
Vanilla,
I'm probably not ready, but I've humping my furniture and British neighbor's leg so I feel like I have to do something.
Me? Crazy? No way.
Then the English channel is just what you need!
No more dry humping.
V
Then the English channel is just what you need!
No more dry humping.
Vanilla,
I busted a gut! That was wonderful; thank you.
Doodler,
My gravitation towards the LD thing I think is more because I worry about balance so much. So I know I can get done what I need to get done during the week, then I know my time is dedicated to my partner when I am with them. The bright side to that is getting to know them well through communication. Because that's what our alternative is.
I do, however, like to meet a person pretty much right away. The thought of simply talking to them for months (because that also takes a whole lot of energy) and not connecting when we meet I do not like. I don't like emailing forever and texting with online dating. I like to meet as soon as I can.
But lately, it seems as if I can't. I'm always doing the mom thing. But I vow to get a babysitter if something good comes up.
Don,
Please start a new thread. You've reached the 100th posting limit. Thanks!