I have moved home to Surviving the Big D.
My time in Newcombers has come to an end. My life is more of the ordinary things and life events around a D, such as fins.
During my time in Newcombers I decided to post to a Newcomber a week, someone whose story involved pain and distress. I could not cope with more. Some never responded, others moved on and some became part of my tribe. I will be posting as much as I can for those in seriously abusive situations, sadly I know a little of those and for those who are struggling with compulsion and addiction.
My stay in Newcombers has been a very long one- 2 years plus the 6 months I lurked. I move straight to Surviving the big D with no detours. Whilst xWH is lost in MLC, he has probably been there in denial for a very long time, longer than our R. He may have an undiagnosed personality disorder. His circus and his monkeys. I am not waiting or holding hope for R.
My M is done and whilst I am very sad and I still love xWH on some level. I recognise it's finished and I have made sure there is no way back. I expect at some stage the destructive force that is xWH will come back into my life looking to retarget me for resources. My mantra stands " I will not be abused" and that is in any way.
I am NC with xWH and have been so since 2 May 2015. It has helped although still he manages to trigger me.
The current activities include hacking, uploading inappropriate pictures to Facebook, smear campaigns, threatening to sue me, accusing me of theft, writing inappropriate letters to my L.
Living with a Russian Italian Tramp in Italy whilst pretending to be in the UK. A woman who trawls the expensive golf hotels of Europe looking for male companionship with money. (Short straw with xWH then, wonder if she has guessed yet?).
A man who is going to sue me for every penny he paid into our joint account for Bills because he thinks he paid too much.
Conspiring with an ex-client to defraud me. Setting me up with fake dating profiles in crazy parts of the world I have never been or ever expect to go to.
However I no longer live in fear and clever nephew is going to live with me here at the big house.
I am beginning to heal and this is my world. I am lonely sometimes and I prefer it to the destruction of xWH.
I like peace and prosperity in my life. I am a gentle empathetic soul. I was before xWH known as attractive and I lost that part of me. I am finding the scented powerful Vanilla instead of the plain Vanilla I was when I came here.
I have a long term respiratory condition I call fungus lung, my new part personality. 15 lbs of excess weight from steroids and I don't sleep very much. I trigger at the slightest thing and suffer from complex PTSD. My fins are in a mess. I no longer tread water though, I am swiming against the tide.
For all that this journey has been one of enormous learning and growth for me and as I arrive at the first staging post on my Everest I know I have begun this climb with enormously powerful allies. A harder climb is ahead of me and I will need wonderful sage advice.
V
Previous posts
last post last thread in Newcombers all posts by Vanilla abuse resource threads with Zelda Every 10 threads there is a new name
Threads 1 to 10 early days, awakening, struggling with abuse, in house S
Threads 10 to 20 the split, aftermath, antics, triggers and destruction, depression
Threads 20 to 30 standing still, realisations deep dark, NC and complex PTSD, raw hurting and learning
Threads 30 and 31 transitions, putting the D together, D games then D
All of the above in Newcombers
V
Welcome to the neighborhood, V! You'll find the support you need here, but without the intensity of Newcomers. Glad you are here, consider this a virtual cake on your front porch. Others in the welcoming committee will be along shortly.
Hi V!
I thought I smelled something gorgeous and alluring in the neighbourhood.
Welcome V, I'm sure like many of us you didn't join the forum expecting to come to this part of it. However, we get to a point in our sitches where it feels like the right place for us. The subjects touch on healing and perhaps dating after D - and going on with life as a newly single person.
In your sitch, there is still a little mud to be waded through, but the other side of the river is in sight and you will soon be on solid ground again.
Xx
Lady V, welcome and so happy to see you. I followed you religiously on newcomers and always found your posts, your advice, your wisdom to be just what I needed. You are a dear lady and while I'm not happy you are here, as you are D now, I'm glad you are here for the gracious wonder that you add to every "room" you are in. You are a wonderful soul, indeed, and I'm glad you are moving on.
I understand the lonely thing. I have bouts of that as well. I have been having one this week, in fact. But, I know ultimately, life is more peaceful on this side of D because drama, hurt and anger are gone. Much love to you, V. And thank you for being my inspiration.
Such a powerful post V. I have followed you since I have joined this forum. Not a place I'd like to see you as you are such an inspirational womani wish you all the best in the new chapter of your life on the other side.
Warning if you are steamy, don't read.
Relaxing nicely and just as I think health is on the up, I find fungus lung is now fungus gut.
Infection is now in my large colon and I look like I am 12 months pregnant, bloated and uncomfortable. Back on the anti fungal again and water tablets. Doctor says it's because I am coughing up the gunk from my lungs and must have gone through my stem. Proves it's not gone yet although mass in my lungs is only 25% of previously. But everything is like warm tar.
Not allowed to exercise or drink alcohol. Misery.
Sorry if you guys are squeamy, it helps and I feel very sorry for self.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
Here we go again.
V
I hope that you feel better soon.
yuck, the lines that just won't let go.
I do hope that you feel better soon, and you are in my prayers that your health may return to sting and well again soon.
V, I'm sorry you're still not too well. It sounds like some eat, nourish, glow and extreme self-care would be a good way forward....
These sitches do take their toll and we all need to rest up and recharge when this happens.
I hope you'll be feeling much better soon xx
What a downer. We're here for you V.
yuck, the lines that just won't let go.
I do hope that you feel better soon, and you are in my prayers that your health may return to sting and well again soon.
Goodness gracious, one might think I was drunk when typing this.
It should read,
Yuck, the illness that just won't let go.
I do hope that you feel better soon, and you are in my prayers that your health may return and that you feel strong and well again soon.
It sounds horrid!
Hope you'll get better soon!
So sorry you are ill and can't shake this sickness. Hoping and praying for you to take a turn for the better SOOOOOON. Molly sends wags and puppy kisses and virtual snuggles. She's very snuggly when you are sick.
Take care of you and get better soon.
So sorry to hear that V. Wishing you health and peace. ((V))
Just a string of health challenges for you, V, and I hope they all resolve very soon.
Hugs to you...
I just wanted to reach out and tell you I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself, and binge do some reading for fun, and some Netflix binging while recovering
Nurses orders:)
Yes indeed captain, my captain.
V
Just checking in on my favorite Wise Woman to see how she is progressing with beating off that yucky illness.
Feel well soon.
(((((Vanilla))))
Yucky illness is still yucky! SH thank you for asking and for the compliment.
On a positive note aged ma is out of intensive and in medical.
She also had the oxygen tube removed and today was aged ma and pa 65 wedding anniversary and we had a mini party at the hospital. Then went out for pizza.
V
Hope you get better soon, V!
I am glad that your ma is out of the intensive and managed to celebrate her anniversary with your pa!
Congratulations to aged ma and pa on their 65th wedding anniversary! I'm glad she was able to be moved from intensive and into medical and could enjoy the mini party.
I do hope you are feeling better soon!
Hi V, I'm glad for the good news about your Mum. Congratulations to them both on their special anniversary, and I'm pleased you managed to have a little party for them.
Keep taking care of yourself and hope you feel all better soon xx
Good news about your mum! Glad for the celebration. 65 years is quite an accomplishment. Hope you are feeling better as well, lady V. Thoughts and prayers are always with you from me and Molly.
Thank you Dawn chest is much better.
The D fins go marching on relentlessly.
V
Hi Lady V. Any updates on your Mum ? Glad your feeling a bit better This is a struggle for all of us and it will make you stronger long term I feel we all have hurdles and we we will get over them regardless of agility or time.
I think you don't value yourself as you should Please accept that as a compliment because it's meant that way You are famtastic , you give so much to others I worry that you don't keep enough for yourself
Thank you for being you
Stay strong. Rd xxxx
RD
You know I concern myself about you and you seem distant and out of focus.
Those of us who are your dearest Internet friends and treasure your imput like to know you are ok. When patterns change its disconcerting dear bruv, and you know you are a treasure chest of secrets for some of us.
So self care too my Internet friend.
V
V!! I have no idea what brought me here today, but I just dropped in to the forum and came right to this thread. I have been off here for quite awhile. I thought I would check in and see if any of my old internet friends are still around!! I have been thinking of you lately and how you are doing.
V...are you still fighting that nasty pneumonia? You need to get better, lady!!
Thank you Joe anD Anna.
I feel a bit of a fraud over here in Surviving the Big D.
Maybe I made my move too soon, in optimistic mode.
Aged ma has pancreatic cancer and it is likely the beginning of the end now, luckily she doesn't remember although she has been told. Aged pa wants her home and that may happen with lots of caveats.
I am very low myself, fungus lung is a difficult condition and my mood is very low. No movement on the Fins with the Giggalo and he is still pretending that he isn't living with RIT (Maggotroni2).
I have been in tears a great deal just recently, things seem stuck and not moving much. My Fins are so dire and I may go under soon.
A long and difficult convo with aged pa who is very concerned that his little girl (V!) has lost her joy in life. Aged pa was comparing the photos from 5 years ago at the 60 anniversary. I was goofing with aged pa and very happy, it's aged pa favourite photo of pa and V. It made me cry that I am this bloated sad creature these days who is so tearful and afraid. I act as if, and aged pa sees straight though it.
I think this is the lowest I have been in a very long time. Abuse damages and a High Conflict D is costly and damaging.
I am still no contact with the Giggalo although he still gets to me without even trying.
The weight isn't shifting, I sleep only 4 to 5 hours a night and I am lacking energy. Yes it is tough although I think I can cope and I know it's down to me. It's me that is in control of me.
Somehow I find myself falling short.
Mari
Oh V!! Sorry to hear you are not feeling well. You are definitely not a fraud over here. Takes time and patience and lots of prayers!! You are such a strong lady!! You will get through just fine!! Good days and bad days!! I have had some days where I was completely down. Thank goodness I have the tools now to get my self out of that negative thinking and back on the positive track!! Let go and Let God!!!
Vanilla,
I am so sorry that you are feeling very low and things are moving very slowly for you. No, you aren't a fraud and you can post wherever you want to and get support from all of us.
I'm sorry about your ma's condition and maybe your pa feels it is for the best to allow her to come home and live out her days in the comfort of her own home and surroundings.
I'm so sorry that your lung condition isn't improving quicker. Things always look worse when we are feeling under the weather. Have you spoken to your lawyer about the Fins and the Divorce? Maybe it's time to start pushing for these things to happen a bit (that is, if you are up to it).
Please take care of yourself. I know things look bleak at the moment, but I'm hoping and praying that the light at the end of tunnel will be there soon for you.
V,
I'm sorry things are difficult right now. Please take care of yourself. Sending you a hug!
V...the forum is "surviving" the Big D. That means it's a work in progress--not that it's all over and done with. We all have our ups and downs.
I think you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and not beat yourself up over it. It has to be horribly stressful dealing with a terminally sick parent and personal health issues at the same time you're going through a divorce. Any of those situations alone are enough to knock someone off their feet...much less having to do it all at once.
It just takes time.
"Healing comes in waves
and maybe today
the wave hits the rocks.
and that's ok,
that's ok darling
you are still healing
you are still healing."
If you need to talk, you know where to find me.
Vanilla, I have found you took a little searching
I have posted on my thread a post of yours that I came across in SH s thread and it describes my W and potentially how she is feeling to a T
I know I should not mind read but I believe that my W is not a WW I believe she is a WAW I have a couple of questions would you mind popping over to my thread I do not want to fill your thread.
Hugs to you my friend,
Ghost x
(((((((M)))))))
I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your mum. And how hard on your dad. He sounds like an amazing and loving man.
You will feel better. This is temporary. Just hang on to that thought.
(((((V))))))
So sorry that you are feeling so low both mentally and physically. And sorry about your ma as well. V, if I have learned one thing in my time on these boards, you are one of the strongest people I have ever come across. You are tough, you are strong, you are fearless. I have no doubt this low point will come to an end, and hopefully soon.
As for not "belonging" here, V, you are an inspiration wherever you are. It took me awhile to make the move to this forum too but it just made me realize when reading other stories on newcomers that my journey was on a whole different track than theirs. I was on the downside of mine while they are just beginning. I think wherever you are, V, you shine and you give such great advice that you belong on all the forums you want to be on.
I once worked with a lady who used to tell me if we touch just one person in our lives....truly touch them....we have done a great thing. I dare say, Lady V, that YOU have touched way more than 1 and probably more than you will ever know.
Much love, lady...from me and Molly both.
V,
I am so sorry to hear that things are not well with your ma.
I pray that your fins won't drag out much longer and that your xh will soon be totally out of your life.
Please take care of your health!
I'm so sorry to hear about your Ma and the struggles you are having. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you my friend. Oh, And I don't know if you saw my last post, but I found the FB group.
Thank you Msd, I think I like what you say.
Zues sweetheart hugs.
Tired as long journey visiting aged ma, and it's glam sis birthday too.
V
My dear sweet Lady V.
I continue to pray for you and your parents.
I hope all is well and that you are finding some moments of calm and peace.
I miss your wise voice, but do not ask that you rush back any sooner than you find the calm in your life needed to be able to share out with me.
I have gained so much from you already, I feel it is of bad karma to place any urgency to your return, simply for my comfort.
Please know that I think of you daily as you have been a guardian angel for me and my raging battle. I go back and read the things you share as it is appropriate for my continual journey.
Peace and calm to you my dear friend.
In time our paths and convos will cross again.
Thank you SH and all my DB friends
Aged Ma died early friday morning peacefully in her sleep
Please send rainbow tummy hugs to those you love.
V
Please send rainbow tummy hugs to those you love.
Coming your way V. I'm speechless, I've just been starting at the screen thinking about you, how amazing your ma must have been, and what you must be dealing with right now. Share whatever you want and feel free to take as much time as you need, but we're all here for you V.
Vanilla,
I am so sorry about your Ma. My sincere condolences to you and your family. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Deepest condolences V. My prayers are with you and your family.
I'm sorry too. Sending love and hugs xx
(((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Please take care of Yourself.
Oh Lady V! Condolences to you on the passing of your mother. Sending you loving and healing vibes to you. Be real gentle with yourself. Take however as long as you need to focus on you. Losing a parent isn't ever easy at all.
((((V))))
So sorry for the loss of your momma V
love you!
My dear Vanilla.
May you feel comfort and peace in this time.
I offer my condolences, my prayers and my love to you at this time.
(((((Vanilla)))))
Lovely V, I'm so very sorry for your sad loss. This must be such a difficult time for you and your family...do take care of yourself and we are here for you if you need us.
((((Hugs to you)))) xx
I love that!
You are so sassy and clever.
How wonderful Msd!
V
Lovely V, I'm so very sorry for your sad loss. This must be such a difficult time for you and your family...do take care of yourself and we are here for you if you need us.
((((Hugs to you)))) xx
Thank you Sotto, real life hugs and a glass of Prosseco definitely.
I hope your back is much better.
V
Zues, Job, Rouky and Stacey
Thank you.
V
Cadet as always wise words.
V
((((V))))
Lady V, I am so terribly sorry for your loss and will keep you close in thoughts and prayers in the coming days. Tail wags and licks from Molly too!
I was remembering this and became sad angry and looping all in one go.
old post the Giggalo says aged pa should smother aged ma I haven't truly been angry before and now I am.
V
Lady V,
I just found out. Sincere condolences. May you know of no more grief or sorrow.
((((((V))))))
RAI
I'm so sorry. Hugs, dear.
Morning V, I'm just checking in for a hug....(((((V)))) xx
I haven't truly been angry before and now I am.
V
Let it flow in a safe space, but let it flow.
It is needed and you are intelligent enough to know how to manage it in a healthy manner.
You have
read it
wrote it
pondered on it
shared advice on it
and your higher power will protect you as you let it flow.
So let it rip my dear Lady V!!!
Peace and calm will follow as will the white anger that will guide you to do and accomplish what you must.
In the spirit and imitation of our dear neighbor mustardseed...
(((((Lady V
)))))
I haven't posted to you before V but I'm sorry for the loss of your Ma. My sincerest condolences to you and your family.
Still Remember You (a song of your younger self)
By Kim Saeed
You disappeared so long ago a slow, painful deliverance.
Your voice was silenced and you became invisible as you vanished into your captor.
He bled your soul into his veins;
Because he can never be autonomous; he can never be you.
So he stole your spirit and made it his own.
A thousand years became a minute
You dwelled in purgatory, until…
You heard a voice…
the voice you silenced
It said,
I am still here…
So while no one was looking, you escaped through his laughter
Raw and vulnerable;
afraid to be seen.
You hid under a dark cloud;
his presence ever-ominous.
Afraid that no one would see you; that no one would receive you
For you believe you’re not worthy
But, you are worthy.
I still remember you I see you… not the cloud.
I see your beautiful soul I see the memories of you…
the life and laughter you laid to rest
Your kindness,
your potential,
the contributions you made.
They were there all along.
They never went away.
You were coded to erase yourself.
You died to make him alive.
And he can’t survive without your soul.
Take it back
Share with us your light…
the gift that is you
Because I still remember you…
---------------------------------------
V
I have never posted here, but I am an eager reader of yours for some years now.
My sincere condolences, ((((Vanilla))).
(((((((Vanilla))))))))))
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Yesterday was aged ma funeral. I wrote and spoke the Eulogy.
Aged pa held my hand throughout the ceremony.
I would like to share the great love that these two precious souls shared. Aged pa put a card on ma flowers that read "I shall love you till the day I die and beyond"
This is the end of my Eulogy in which we discussed aged ma five passions, Education, Travel, Chocolate, Family, and this is the last one:
------------------------
Aged ma’s final passion is Aged pa
The handsome marine uniformed man who has taken her heart. Who took her dancing and whom she calls twinkle toes.
With aged pa she found a way of combining all of her passions, her love of learning and house room for gadgets, her shared joy in travel and encompassing new journeys to new destinations. A common commitment to family and friends with food and celebration at their core. He shared her passions along with his own.
I think if aged ma were able to end this speech she would say “thank you aged pa for sharing my life, for travelling this journey with me, for commitment to the principles of education and family life. She would whisper I love you, you have cared for me and loved me deeply until my last breath. You have been my dancing partner in life and my deepest abiding passion. Please celebrate my life my lover, my friend, my husband.”
I want for each reader of this post a deep and meaningful love.
Vanilla
Vanilla,
The ending of your Eulogy was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you for sharing this.
Vanilla,
The ending of your Eulogy was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you for sharing this.
5hank you Job, I would like those to be tears of joy and comfort.
V
With a great deal of comfort given to me in this tough time.
Hugs and peace to RAI, Maybell, Dawn, Rosa, Sotto, SH and Zues.
Thank you for posting Better an and Ripe, as new visitors to V's threads welcome and please post again.
There is deep love and rainbows.
V
V
Sending (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
and hoping you take care of yourself in this grieving process.
Being our age truly stinks.
We are becoming the age we always thought our parents were.
Thank you for sharing V.
What an amazing person. You know, years ago I never really understood why people were so amazed when couples celebrated a 50 year anniversary. I took it for granted, like a birthday. I didn't understand what it took from those in the marriage to find a way to choose to continue to be loving. Now I know how hard that is. I am not that impressed with professional athletes, CEO's, or movie stars, but when I see someone with a husband and daughter that can say those things about her, well, she has my deepest admiration.
V, what a beautiful tribute to your Ma. May she rest in peace.
Quite beautiful. I'm sorry for your loss, but what a beautiful way to honor your mother and your parents as a couple.
Vanilla, I hope you find your Twinkle Toes when you are ready, and that someday someone reads a eulogy about you that shows the same abiding love and appreciation that you deserve. You are a good daughter to your parents.
Best wishes lady V. My sincerest condolences
Thank you Cadet, Zues, Sunny, Ginger, Maybell and Roist.
I have been silent and quiet of late, my higher power seems to be disconnected and whilst I read others threads my thoughts are disjointed and unfocused.
I have quite a lot to say, but the kaleidoscope of my life is taking me down in a spiral.
Life is like treacle again and the Giggalo is like the terminator keeps coming back for money.
Aged ma is interred on Thursday and only close family will be there, aged pa and his three daughters, V, glam sis and little sis.
I love my aged pa.
He fixed his shed roof with bitchum in the last weekend. Up high on a ladder and three coats.
Keeping himself busy he said.
V
I envy your closeness with your parents, V.
I will be thinking of you on Thursday.
I wish I could say more but I send you warm thoughts and virtual hugs. Your higher power is still with you, it's the treacle that keeps you from feeling it. Know it's there.
I'm sorry you lost your Ma, that's tough.
Your pa will, most likely have his way of doing things to make himself feel better. Someone really only dies when we forget and leave their story to die.
Talk of her allow, him to feel sad and just do what needs doing, but hen you seem to have insinct to know what's best nilla.
I have been silent and quiet of late, my higher power seems to be disconnected and whilst I read others threads my thoughts are disjointed and unfocused.
I have quite a lot to say, but the kaleidoscope of my life is taking me down in a spiral.
V
this sounds eerily familiar to me
when you are ready, we will all be here to absorb what you want to share.
again, I am soooo very sorry to hear about your ma.
How are you doing V? How's your dad?
You are in my prayers V.
Be well my guardian Angel, Be well.
((((((((((Vanilla))))))))))
Beautiful eulogy. It gives me hope that my soul mate is still out there.
hugs ((((V))))
RAI
Thank you Maybell, Zephyr, GG, RAI and SH.
I have been silent because of my grief and also because there are other factors in my fins which are causing me deep sorrow.
The Giggalo is of course still MIA in Italy with RIT (Russian Italian Tramp, in homage of RosaLinda's Russian Tramp). No oatmeal fermented or otherwise to report. Still no address.
Things move slowly forwards- very slowly. Inch by inch.
I am distressed at the moment because of my stupidity on various issues that effect my legal case. My fins continue to be dire.
Clever nephew lives with me for a while to help protect me. Mainly because I am very afraid of The Giggalo and his faux Divorce adviser. It causes me great guilt and shame that I was ever associated with two anti social personalities like these.
Aged pa is coming to stay next week for a few weeks, the dishwasher has broken, the shower needs repair urgently (been broken for 6 months now) and the roof leaks. I have a broken gate.
All expense, still a year and a half later I am still here, still in business (just) although it has been very close to going under.
I have the cash saved to pay for another year of my gym when it needs renewing in December and that is excellent. Squirrel that I am I survive on scraps and the freezer plus very discounted food and second hand clothes. I threw away my boots from last year the linings had gone and they rubbed my feet. But luckily when I was in the attic I found an older pair I had obviously saved from years ago which will need repair but will do the job nicely.
I am pleased to report that this September I lost 5 pounds of weight, I did do the gym like crazy to achieve that AND I am wearing jeans with a belt and a top which is TUCKED IN!
That made me feel great this week. Yes, I know its not much and I have 15lbs to go to my target (which is 5lbs too much anyway) so secretly its 20lbs. I feel more normal and am in clothes that I can buy in the second hand shops more easily.
I have discarded many clothes that are too big and whilst I was M The Giggalo requested I discarded my more fitted clothes (they don't do you any favours) and started wearing frumpies. So those fitted smaller clothes, frumpies and more recent larger clothes have gone. My wardrobe is quite bare and summer Ts wont do here in our winter.
End result winter wardrobe very sparse. No glamorous stuff left for Xmas so I invested in an LBD from ebay but I have to lose at leat 7lbs before I can squeeze my chunky arms into it. I will be gyming like crazy so I can Xmas glam like crazy.
Plain old Vanilla is going to be less so. That will increase self confidence too.
I bought some new makeup from the pound store (everything £1 that is about $1.50 in US money). I also replaced the purse The Giggalo gave me and the Queen's handbag he insisted I have one Christmas.
This Xmas it will be time to be glamorous. I was once glam (not as much as Glam sis but good enough).
I was afraid of posting on my real Facebook page, afraid that if others saw me as I am now they would find me ugly and repulsive as I sometimes see myself through The Giggalo taunts. The real me has been lost, my self image has been determined by the abuse thrown my way. I posted and it wasn't as bad as expected, some likes!
I also uncovered another OW today, one I didn't know of, the woman who organised my food at the wedding reception. The Giggalo and the Dinner Lady were caught by one of the guests at my wedding and I was told by that guest today. I told the guest that I was not surprised at all, and the guest said she had wanted to tell me and didn't want to hurt me. Quite a few guests knew about it and were annoyed with The Giggalo for it. Nothing I uncover now surprises me and of course its a minor pin prick compared to the skewers already wedged in my heart.
I know I was set up for money and it hurts.
My heart is broken, yet still the anger is blocked. I had moments of it, small glimpses and they did not last.
I want The Giggalo well and more than that he finds his missing soul and conscience so that I never have to hear he has caused more damage. I also want justice for all those he has harmed, in particular his deceased W1, I know that is not my place to want that but I do. I feel she has no voice.
The time will come I am very sure of it.
I feel no need to forgive nor to get revenge, I have little anger, bitterness or destruction. Strangely I am distressed for the harm this wayward has caused to others and I would like justice. Not even for me, I have no need of it. I know I must stand and fight and sometimes its a very lonely barren place I find myself. As if my aching voice is in the dark wildnerness calling to only resonant echoes. My higher power deserted me for a while, and I kept hearing the kindly whispered sounds telling me that there would be a time I would know and understand. That I was other than deserted and that the fight to thrive would continue. Some of those voices came from this board and its extended crew that has kept me going and held me in gentle care when I have failed to thrive.
Know that I am crying now, big hot tears of despair and longing for this battle to be over, for the determination to be done. To never know of the Giggalo again, to never hear of him and his hurtful doings. To feel safe.
That is not that which the higher power intended, it intends for me to be ethical to carry my principles with me, even though that hurts and to be truthful and to stand for my beliefs. To speak for those who have been wronged. To fight my battle well so that the truth is known and the law which is blind is not also deaf and dumb.
There are truths my higher power revealed to me in that few days that once known can never be unknown. I am afraid and also perhaps a little excited by the knowledge. I have hope that I can make some changes and petition for some legal rights in the administration of the courts. It is my challenge as if I need more to look to justice not the law. If this seems esoteric and cryptic it must be so as these matters are grave and pending. I may lose a legal battle but the principle I hold dear. I will not be abused, and that includes bullying by legal means.
If you are in a dark place know that it is not a cheeseless tunnel you are in, it is the night of your journey and it is time to rest and heal. I believe in shift not growth, I believe that we can change and become the best we can be. The one thing I know is that there are battles we face alone with only our higher power to guide us. That as we know our link to that higher power despite all that makes us truly in its likeness. It makes us beautiful, loving kind souls who glow with the inner peace. I know it must be as I look into the eyes of a lonely, terrified battle weary woman and I see she has a soul which is still struggling.
The wonderful DBers here are part of my higher power in my spirit and if you are reading this post many years from now that means if you send me your rainbow strength then it is having its effect and I will then have the connection to begin to post again beyond this thread. In the future you will know how things have been for this battle. As I write the future is uncertain and I need your rainbows.
V
First off, know that you've been in all of our thoughts every day V. Posting isn't required, but we're all here for you.
One thing I want to share is something I learned from pool. When I was a up and comer, I used to really be discouraged by how poorly I performed at times. If I choked in a clutch situation I'd think "Gee, I guess I'm not such a great player", or if I had a bad session I'd think "I have a lot more practice to do because this is just horrible".
Two things came to pass that changed my mindset. First, I had some serious success, and accomplished some things that were undeniably amazing. Things that a 'bad player' could never do. Second, as I traveled to more international events, I got to see up close and personal just how horribly other so called 'world champions' performed at times. Terrible sessions. Epic meltdowns. Bad attitudes. Not just once, but again and again. I remember thinking to myself once 'if this guy can with the US Open, *I* can win the US Open'. Another time I remember thinking I could beat one of these champions, and sure enough I got my chance two years later in a major event.
So after that, whenever I had a bad session I would no longer doubt myself. If I choked and missed a crucial shot, I'd just shrug and say to myself "Hm, I guess champions can miss shots like that once in a while", because I KNEW I was a champion.
You've followed my thread and know this has been a much more difficult year for me than I thought. If I was a cell phone my battery life would show 0% with a red outline of a battery. I couldn't understand how my call hadn't dropped yet (or whatever). Point is, as frustrating as it was to not be on my game, I had to remember that I wasn't a failure. I was actually a champion that simply happened to be dealing with one hell of a handful.
I'm pulling out of it. Maybe if I get myself to the wall outlet in time I'll get the lightning bolt symbol and will have the energy for an update on my thread. But the point is that you are still you. You are still in there. This is just what a champion looks like when you are up to your neck in grief. But those who know you will see past the grief, past the fatigue. We know who you are. You don't go and forget it.
The day will come soon when you're vibrantly beaming through life. All I ask V, all I ask, is that you don't wait until then to take a moment to enjoy what you still have around you. My fear isn't that you won't find your greatness again. It's that you'll suffer needlessly because you loose sight of the greatness you have here and now.
I don't have many rainbows to spare, but you can have my last.
Dear V,
I am so sorry to hear of your rough patch. Thank you dear friend for still reaching out to me in spite of your own pain.
Pardon me if I am not of much help as I am going through my own baptism of fire.
Much love, dear gorgeous friend.
Hi lovely V, I'm so sorry to read this and what an awful thing to discover from your wedding day. One of my D group chums also discovered her (now XH) was sexting another woman on their wedding night - awful.
Please take care of yourself - live frugally and simply for now. Eat, work, sleep and spend time with aged pa, who I'm sure will enjoy being occupied with one or two 'fixing' activities.
These are difficult times, but you will get through with the support of others. (((((Huge hugs))))) xx
Beautiful eulogy. It gives me hope that my soul mate is still out there.
hugs ((((V))))
RAI
If that was RAI on the batphone, please dial again.
V
Having some trouble with FB friend requests.
V