Hi everyone
I've not posted in a while but could really use some advice. In a nutshell, H was living with OW in a lovely part of the country, living the perfect life. We had very little contact until a few months ago he asked to speak to me. What then followed caught me completely off guard, he was affectionate, giving me cuddles, kisses etc.
This carried on for the next few months and I was completely overwhelmed by it. Things moved quickly and got very passionate indeed, and I must admit I daydreamed of us getting back together.
During this time he admitted he wasn't happy and was thinking about moving back to our hometown as he missed the kids etc.
Then he moved back but his story started to change - he said he was going to be living on his own but still seeing the OW, as she was completely devastated by the split.
I told him I couldn't carry on with the snatched moments of passion (was this the right thing?), even though I wanted to, I could not be the OW, and if he wanted to talk about things in the future then I would be here to listen. Friends have told me I should have carried on with the kisses etc as it would remind him what he was missing, and I am still legally his wife, but I didn't want to make everything too easy for him.
Now I see him frequently and things are friendly and nice, but I know him and OW are back together again although she has not moved in. He has not shown me any affection since he has been back.
I feel such a fool for thinking we could work things out - everything just felt wonderful and I know he felt the same.
Now I'm back to feeling sick, stomach churning, can't eat etc, just like I was at the start.
Should I just carry on being friendly to him? Do you think he was just testing the waters in case things didn't work out with OW, then he had me as plan B?
I am an idiot.
Hi Stacey. You are not an idiot , you thought things had changed and reacted to it. We all might have done the same.
IMHO go back to DBing , I wouldn't be kisising or anything like that while OW is even a thought in his head
If your 100% sure he's back with OW then as hard as it may be to accept , any chance of a new R with you is not possible
Your two years into this and in one of cadets recent posts about MLC he said that it takes 2 years min and often longer ( I think he was talking about women) but the same goes for men
stay strong. Rd
Thanks RD.
I was just so flattered that he seemed to notice me again. He was interested in my life, commenting on how good I looked and his face lit up when he saw me. He has shown no interest in me whatsoever since he moved back to town.
He was also reminiscing about the good times we had together and mentioned certain songs he hears which take him back there. He also mentioned going back to a place we'd stayed years ago.
Now he asks nothing about me, doesn't really make eye contact although he is still very pleasant.
He is definitely back with OW and I think he's besotted with her again.
You're right - I will need to stay strong
Hi Stacey, I'm sorry to hear that happened - of course you made a choice to become involved with him whilst OW was on the scene, which I wouldn't recommend. I think your H has been cake-eating and perhaps not entirely sure where he wants to be - maybe wherever feels good at that point in time - before something else makes him feel better then off he goes.
I think you are quite right to have stopped any kind of romantic involvement with him given all present circumstances. And not as any sort of strategy, but because that doesn't work for you. When I read your post, it sounds as though you still think he is the prize here - and truly that is so not the case. Please remember that he would be very lucky if you were to consider reconciling given all that has happened.
I would strongly encourage you to forge forward and not even glance back unless he has an epiphany and wants to reconcile and will do whatever it takes to win you back. What GAL plans are you making for yourself at this point to help shift your focus from him? Also, do have a think about your boundaries - what is and isn't okay for you? - and try to follow a path that maintains your own self-respect and integrity....whatever he may be up to.
I hope I don't sound harsh and I do mean to help. However, I'm shaking my head a little that you are coming up to three years after BD and still sounding so attached to him when he is behaving so poorly....please do think about that. I found it really helpful to read Codependent No More, and I would recommend it to you if you haven't read it already.
Truly, if you met your H today, given all present circumstances, would you be interested in dating him or becoming an OW when he is cohabiting with someone? I'm not saying to give up hopes of ever reconciling, but please don't put your own life on hold for him for even a moment longer.
Take care Stacey and I do hope things start looking up for you soon :)X
One thing I'm a big believer in is writing out what you'd need to see happen before you'd be willing to reconnect emotionally (or physically!) with WAS.
For example, for me I won't ever reconnect with WAS unless at a minimum:
-She tells me she made a terrible mistake
-She ends all contact with OM and all other men
-She tells me she would do anything possible to see if the M can be saved
-She is willing to go to IC, and agree to a complete transparency plan
-She demonstrates to me that this isn't a feeling she's having because things are tough or that she's lonely, but that this is based on beliefs and the realization that steering her life by feelings has been destructive to the family
IF all of those things happened, I would be at least willing to have a conversation with her.
Even still, I don't see myself connecting with her again. I can't even picture in my mind a universe in which I'd trust someone that would do these things. But while I don't think there's a snowball's chance of this happening, and if it did I still can't see me doing more than accepting her apology, I don't need to make grand declarations about what God may or may not do to my heart or hers in the future. I'm confident enough I don't need to burn bridges to feel safe.
But I can tell you one thing. I deserve more than being a plan B for a woman that is willing to destroy a family. And so do you. And there is no way I will do more than exchange monthly emails about kids' schedules for the rest of my days unless all of the above happened and I was convinced she was a totally different person than I knew in my former life as her husband.
OK, I get carried away. But what would you need to see from WAH before you were willing to open up again?
That all said...I'd rather be an idealistic sucker that suffered from wanting to preserve a family than someone that would destroy a family and devastate others chasing a fantasy or temporary comfort.
Thanks for your wisdom Sotto you are absolutely right he does seem to be cake eating and you have always advised against becoming involved while OW still on the scene. I wish I was not still so attracted to him after all this time but I am. I have been GAL and thought I had moved on but the reality is all he had to do was flash his smile and hold me tightly and I melted. I'm not proud of this but it is what it is.
And Zues thank you too for your insight. I always said if H was regretful and desperate to R I would be open to this. Unfortunately he is showing no signs of this. TBH I think him and OW hit a bit of a rough spot and he was looking for a bit of comfort. I met all his needs at that time.
While I'm not proud of how I succumbed so easily I cannot put it all on him. I probably wanted it more than he did.
I just cannot thank you all for your kind words. You have not been too harsh. You speak the truth and I appreciate it. This is such a long difficult journey that no one else could understand unless theyve been through it.
I do not post here very much but read the posts almost every day still.
Thank you all.
Stacey, I'm really sorry this happened. (((Stacey)))
I remember when you posted about this a few months ago and this is what I said then:
Stacey, I don't think you should do anything different at all. He might be testing the waters, or saying sorry, in which case, nothing's changed. Stay your ground, he still lives with OW, one kiss doesn't change that.
There's always a possibility he's ready to do something different, but that only reaffirms that what you were doing is working. It's too early to change anything yet.
I have to say I still stand by that. Go back to whatever you were doing at the time before you got sidetracked. Don't beat yourself up, it's in the past, live and learn.
As for your friends saying keep on acting like an OW to remind him what he's missing, that doesn't make any sense to me. If he's getting it, he can't miss it. Stand your ground.
Thanks Sunny. I've just found out he's moving back in with OW. He hasn't said anything to me yet I found out from his sister. I'm devastated. They only lived apart for a matter of weeks. When he decided to move back to his hometown he told me before anyone else (apart from OW) but this time I wonder if he'll even mention this to me.
Whatever happened between them must have been pretty drastic to have him move, but all appears peachy now.
Anyway I will need to get my PMA back and get on with it.
Thanks again for the advice xx
Stacey, how's it going today?
This looks like such a harsh rollercoaster... I'm very sorry for you, stacey9. It can't be easy to handle emotionally, especially as it's taking you back to a place of suffering that you thought you had left.
Looking at things from the outside, and with the full arc of his recent behavior, it's hard not to wonder whether this could ever be the kind of man that you deserve. When he lost access to OW, he came to you, then he want back to her when he regained access. He's not a loyal or faithful man. He's looking out for himself with little regard for the emotions of others. That's how he's been, that's how he is — chances are that's how he'll be in a year, two or ten. If you were to R with a man like this, this is what you'd be facing. Is it even possible that he'd become a different person, attached, respectful, loving?
I understand what you say about the attraction. One of the reasons why I limit all contacts with STBX is that I don't want to feel it. I know this woman would stand in the way of my healing and life in general if I let her, even just into my head, my heart or my bed. It was very painful to do, it still is, but I had to remove her from my being. She was 10 years of my life — there will be 70 without her when all is said and done. I'm saying that because perhaps you should see every contact with him, even if he showed (temporary) signs of truly wanting to R, as a step back to a place where you can't go back.
Thank you Mozza I agree with everything you said, I don't think he could ever remain faithful.
He told me he is moving back. He said it wasn't going to work out through here and he was missing his old life.
We spoke a bit about our split and he said he thought I was ok with everything as I was so friendly and upbeat when he came round. It's true I did try to be cheerful but I find it hard to believe he thought I was fine with the break up.
He said he was sorry for what happened between us recently and felt guilty. He said he hopes I meet someone who will make me happy as he feels so much for me. He had tears in his eyes.
He also said he hopes we can remain friends and he would still like to do any jobs round the house. I asked what OW would think about that and he hesitated then said something like she would understand.
I feel stronger today, a little foolish but I still don't regret what happened. It's something that felt so right at the time and quite a nice memory to be parting with strange as that sounds.
I don't know if I can be his friend it might be easier to not be in when he visits which I was doing before.
Thanks again for your wisdom x
Stacy - I think the previous posters have pretty much said it all- but in particular I agree with Mozza when he says you are on a harsh rollercoaster.
One thing I would also point out after reading your posts for quite a while......remember how sure you were that he and OW were living a blissfully happy life in a glamorous city? Well - it turns out that he wasn't so happy after all, right? And picking up and making a major move twice in the space of a year? That doesn't sound very good to me. Whatever he is going through - he is still going through it - don't let him drag you down.
Keep posting Stacy! We want to hear from you.
Hi Stacey, I'm sorry to hear that news Sweetie (((((hugs)))) and glad to see that others have posted offering support.
One thing stood out to me from the posts above - you say that you still feel so attracted to him - and also that you don't believe he would be able to be faithful in a R.
Can I ask why it is that you still feel that way when you also know that about him? Why would you be willing to go through potential infidelity trauma again? Wouldn't you always be 'waiting' for the worst to happen again? Don't you deserve better than that? (I think you do!!)
Xx
Hi Raliced, great to hear from you, hope you give us an update soon. Yes I did always think they had the perfect existence and it seems that wasn't the case. Even though he's going back to OW I still feel they must have had pretty major problems to make him act like he did.
Thanks again for you input Sotto I believe I do deserve better. I've always been attracted to him ever since high school, he is incredibly handsome, clever, funny, and when he focuses his attention on you, you feel like youre the only person in the world. Pathetic but true. He ticks all my boxes. But his faults are all too evident too, he is very critical, bad tempered, and can completely turn every argument around to make it look like it's your fault. He is still blaming me for the break up - my jealousy and insecurity issues. Although I fully accept my part in the split he has been unable to admit his part. He says he gave up trying years ago.
I think he will always be looking for his next thrill as he becomes bored easily. He likes the thrill of the chase which is why I think he pursued me for the last few months - I was not available for him. I was getting on with my life happily, in fact I hadn't seen him for months before he started showing an interest in me.
Although I hadn't put my life on hold waiting for him, at the back of my mind I always hoped he'd regret his decision and realise it was me he loved. For a few months there I believed that to be true. I've read about the fog lifting and I thought that had happened. Sadly not.
Thank you all for the wisdom and support I totally appreciate it.
Thanks for the hugs Maybell xx
when he focuses his attention on you, you feel like youre the only person in the world.
he is very critical, bad tempered, and can completely turn every argument around to make it look like it's your fault. He is still blaming me for the break up - my jealousy and insecurity issues.
Do a little reading on Narcissists. It took me a long time after my divorce to really see it, but my ex was a narcissist. Very charming. Super-concerned with how things looked to others. And a master at gaslighting. Appears really concerned and nice on the surface, a true philanthropist - but only when it makes him look good in public. Actually very selfish when it came to helping out anybody in my family who had a legitimate need for some assistance. Lacking in true empathy.
Stacey, are you still lurking out there? How are you?
Hi Sunny, yes I'm still here! Thanks so much for checking in on me.
The rollercoaster continues. H is now back living with OW and although he's been friendly and pleasant for the last few weeks there has been no flirting or affection from him at all. Now it seems he wants to get close again. He is flirty and talking about what happened recently between us and how he'd love for it to happen again. What is going on with him?
I thought he must have had a major fall out with OW before which would explain is sudden desire to be with me. But everything certainly appears to be going swimmingly with them both now according to little snippets of info I've heard from the kids. As Mozza said he only showed interest in me when he lost access to her which makes sense but now I just have no idea what's going on in his mind. If OW could hear what he was saying to me I'm pretty sure it would be over between them.
I've not reciprocated in any way and have just tried to stay out of his way as much as possible. Could he be a narcissist as KML thinks?
What would any of you think if your ex suddenly started becoming affectionate again? Would it repulse you?
Could he be a narcissist as KML thinks?
YES. Is that how you treat someone you truly value?
If my ex started flirting with me I would laugh hysterically. I can't imagine a flirt game strong enough to make me forget how he upended our lives like a snow globe.
Value yourself. Show him what a good woman is worth.
If OW could hear what he was saying to me I'm pretty sure it would be over between them.
You're hearing both sides of the story. How does that make you feel?
You say that if you were that other woman, you wouldn't want to be with this man, likely because you see his attempts to be unfaithful (right?). Why is it that you see it with such clarity for her, but not for yourself?
Hi Mozza thanks for posting. I know deep down the way he's been acting with me recently is probably what he was like with other women during our marriage. When I've got my sensible head on I am glad to be away from all the jealousy and mistrust but there's still a part of me wondering if there may be the slightest chance he might regret his decision.
I really don't know which part of the forum I belong to now. I know I am certainly going to survive the big D and live the rest of my life happily but I think I'm the only one in this forum who is still open to the possibility of a R.
This fling we had has really got my head spinning. It was so unexpected and I know he felt something too. But the fact is he is back living with OW.
So what now? Well I'll just keep out of his way as much as I can. There's a kid event coming up which means I'll be with him for a whole day most of it on our own.
And while I'm open to the idea of dating, I'm not actively pursuing this. If I happened to meet someone nice I would certainly go on a date and hope I'm resilient enough to deal with rejection.
Thanks again x
For me, it's easier to be here than Newcomers. The emotions are less raw and the priorities are different.
If your recovery path is a little different than mine, that's to be expected. So what do you need here to get where you're going?
Do you have a path in mind for yourself? What do you want for yourself?
Hi Maybell I have been thinking about your questions for a while now and I really don't know what it is I want exactly. I look at you, Sunny and others who have moved over to this forum and although I am reasonably content with my life I am clearly not in the same place you are.
I think what I look forward to is a time when it doesn't sting when the kids go to dinner with H and OW. Does it hurt more because I'm still on my own while they play happy families? Would I feel differently if I had a partner? I would like to be able to see and speak to H and have no feelings at all. I'm confused by his recent actions and I've recently heard that him and OW are buying a place together. He's now in a hurry to to get things moving with the marital home. Again.
I would like everything to be finalised maybe closure is what's needed here. I work full time, I exercise every day, I go out with friends at the weekend. I'm busy and I'm getting by, but I still miss him. Years later, I miss his laugh, his sense of fun, his touch. I'm being honest here. I'm living my life but if I could choose I'd much prefer if he was still in it.
I know I will be more than fine without him - maybe I'm just having a sad day , whatever it is I know it'll all be okay in the end. It always is.
Years later, I miss his laugh, his sense of fun, his touch. I'm being honest here. I'm living my life but if I could choose I'd much prefer if he was still in it.
Stacey, it's ok to miss those things. But do you miss the way he abandoned you, the way he cheated, the way he's been playing you lately? See it all, look at the whole package, and decide if you want all that back. I'm guessing not.
I told MB earlier this week I had been chasing a fantasy, meaning I was focusing on the good parts of someone while ignoring some pretty key negative elements. It's easy to do. But it doesn't make the bad go away just because I ignore it. I've chosen to move on to get a total package I can live with.
How are you doing this week?
(((Stacey)))
Yes I think I'm definitely chasing a fantasy here. I feel as if he's cast a spell on me - he gets to decide whether to be hot or cold with me depending on either what mood he's in or how things are going with OW.
I was in his company for most of the day as its son's birthday. He gave him a card with a lovely heart warming story of how him and OW love him and are so proud of him, it's as if she's known him all his life!
He was here without OW of course, and he is just so heart breakingly handsome I almost reached over to touch his face at one point. He radiates some kind of magnetic energy - everyone seems to light up when he's here. Or is that just me. Am I going mad?
I really don't want to post this bit but I am a very honest person so I will anyway - when he was leaving I reached out to hug him and put my arms around his neck. He never responded. His arms remained by his side. It only last for a second but I felt totally embarrassed.
I promise to keep out of his way for the rest of my life.
BD can create this weird paradox of feelings. I don't miss XW or have feelings for her because I have let her go and have recognized the person she is based on the choices and actions she took. However I do regret that she wasn't the person I thought she would be. So while our marriage was very difficult, had she remained in the marriage I would have been glad. But since she chose not to I'm at peace letting her go.
I do miss being married, being a husband, having someone that motivated me to be my best, someone I could love and care for, etc. I do miss the life we had together. I'm doing very well for myself, but of course if the option was to go back in time and have her remain faithful to our marriage...well, I was going to say I would take it, but already I am a different person and I'm not sure if I could accept the loss of what I've done in the last few years to myself. But I would've taken it at the time.
See how confusing this all is?
One thing is clear though. While it's perfectly normal for you to have feelings for him, be attracted to him, miss him, regret your loss, etc...you can't pursue him or express those feelings or waiver on your boundaries anymore. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your behavior. And in the long term by controlling your behavior you WILL control your feelings. If you religiously keep emotional distance between you and XH you will get there, because little by little you will realize your feelings are only for a fantasy and that you don't even know who he is anymore. That's what happened for me, although it took me a while. It can happen for you, but those timelines get disturbed every time you emotionally connect. That is why my policy with XW has been to be as emotionally distant as possible (well, the biggest reason was to protect myself, but that's a very closely related purpose anyway).
I admire your honesty in not needing to show off how far you've come when you still have struggles. Now have a great holiday weekend, grieve and miss him a little, but then let it go, don't do anything to connect with him, and enjoy your plans!
Zues, it is confusing.
Thank you so much for your wisdom and inspiration as always.
I have read and re read yours and others posts many many times.
I will never initiate any physical contact with him again. If he initiates any physical contact with me I will step back.
I do think I need to remain honest, I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and I want to always be that person. Just not with him!