One Last Thread

[Tarheel]

Wanted to post one last thread to update my sitch and get some feedback from those that have 'survived' the big D....

Dissolution is in process. W and I don't talk very often, only through email regarding the settlement. She finally initiated the process, which was fine by me. I'm trying to do a better job of responding cordially, but we don't interact in person. I've tried and decided I couldn't keep acting friendly in person, only to be continuously ignored when I send simple questions through email.

Anyway, to the part I'd love to get advice on...I met a girl. Actually she was the maid of honor in my brother's wedding a couple weeks ago (I was best man). Her and I first met last fall, but just a short hangout, nothing more. We had been texting leading up to the wedding- mainly joking with each other about our speeches, dancing etc, but eventually a little bit about our lives and dating struggles. The wedding weekend went great- we were really the only two singles there, so ended up spending a lot of time with each other. Really got along well and seemed to have a natural connection. A couple nights, we ended up holding hands while we walked down the street. One night (because of limited sleeping arrangement) we ended up spooning all night. And as cliche as it sounds, we hooked up the night of the wedding.

I don't know how to explain any of it other than to say everything felt 'right', not awkward or uncomfortable. She feels the same way, maybe even more so. Problem- she lives 8 hrs away. I'm passing by in a couple weeks, so we're planning on seeing each other. Then we actually booked a 3 night beach trip in July. She's planning on coming to visit in Aug. We've talked/text pretty much every day since the wedding.

I'm an over-analyzer, so I can't help but wonder if I really like her (I think I do...) or if deep down, I've been craving a relationship so bad that I'm just running with it. I've talked to a few girls over the past year or so, even hooked up with one a few times, but this is my first 'real' relationship. Have others felt this way?? She's also 9 yrs younger, never been married and no kids (all her friends are married). Maybe I'm just over thinking things and need to roll with it, but I don't want to lead this wonderful girl who I feel a real connection with on, only to realize this is a 'rebound' mos later. I don't want to be the stereotypical divorcee who falls for the first girl who passes by. Am I overthinking too much??

[Ginger1]

First, I wanted to say you sound good. And I can understand that true connection.

Before we even get into over analyzing the rebound sitch....

The distance should be thought out first. At any point could you move? At any point could she move? Do you want a long term committed R? Is that what she wants? (and I don't necessarily mean together, just in general)

Because if the distance can't be worked out at some point, then finding out if it is just a rebound might not be worth the risk, because you seem to care for her an don't want ot lead her on.

But FWIW, it seems like you may be overanalyzing the rebound thing a little bit. Sounds like you actually care for her. The first real R after divorce doesn't always have to be a rebound.......

[SunnyB]

Tar! Happy to see your update, I followed you for a long time.

You are overthinking. What if someone came along and said, yep, that's a rebound. Then what would you do? Dump her now? Why? What if someone said, no, and you kept dating, but in a few months you realize she just isn't for you. Point is, this may or may not work out for you long-term, and labeling it rebound or not just doesn't matter. Enjoy what is happening in your life now, watch out for the red flags. Be authentic, set your boundaries, ask for what you need, pay attention to how she responds, listen to your gut. Don't think so much, Tar, enjoy this.

[kml]

I, on the other hand, think you need a little analysis of the situation here.

First, I agree with the idea above that you need to be realistic - if moving is never an option for either of you, this is probably a waste of time. Should be discussed.

Second - the age difference is not necessarily a big deal at most stages of life, but MIGHT be a big deal for the two of you, depending. Your kids are getting older and you're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel - would you actually want to start over again with a newborn? If she's 30 and never married, her biological clock is probably ticking really loudly (unless she's one of those rare people who truly never wants to have kids.) Would you be willing, at this point in your life, to take on a new wife and new baby and all the financial obligation that entails?

I'm not saying anything is right or wrong, just saying that because of the different seasons of your life (more important than the actual age difference) you should think very carefully about what you are willing to take on.

(BTW, my boyfriend is 8 years younger than me, but we're much older so it's not a big deal.)

Also - you fell for her in a very emotion-charged setting - and being long distance keeps you from learning some of her flaws as early as you might otherwise. So while it's great to see her again, I'd keep thinking with your big head and pay attention to red flags if they come up.

Story: my best friend dated a guy for 6 months recently. Because he's cute, they have mutual friends, and share the same level of semi-fame in their field, she built him up in her head as being X,Y and Z and hurtled right past some big red flags (such as cheated on his last girlfriend, has no money and has accrued $15k of credit card debt without any plan or hope of paying it off, kind of hapless and helpless - definitely not a grownup even though he's 50.)

She didn't find out about the credit card debt until she had been dating for 3 mos - she kept secretly hoping, I think, that he had some money saved from his more successful earlier days - nope, not a cent. In fact, his financial situation is extremely precarious, and when his old beater car breaks down will lead to a house of cards falling down unless someone rescues him. And my friend is a responsible struggling single mom and widow who manages to keep her own head above water but the weight of rescuing someone like this guy would carry her financially down the tubes as well.

So I think it's fine to enjoy her company so long as you also ask yourself these tough questions, and find out a lot more about who she really is.

[Sotto]

"Enjoy what is happening in your life now, watch out for the red flags. Be authentic, set your boundaries, ask for what you need....etc."

I agree this is good advice. For me the important thing is to be honest about where you're at and what you're seeking. Take things at a pace that is comfortable...

The distance is a big factor and worth thinking through. Yes, it's early days and not a time for making big decisions. But if moving isn't an option for you I think it's worth being upfront about that from the start...

Otherwise, I would say - relax and enjoy yourself. Keep it light and fun - practice being 'you' with someone else again and see where it takes you....

[Tarheel]

Just to be clear, I have no intention of ending things before they begin just because this may be a rebound. Maybe I just answered my own question?

If you would have asked me 3 mos ago, I would have said I never see myself getting married again or having anything serious. Just having some casual company and doing whatever I please would have suited me just fine. Of course, then you meet someone...

The distance is a challenge, but my brother/sister in law live there, so I've entertained the thought of moving down there before all of this. However, I don't see myself moving anytime before D12 graduates high school (6 yrs). I'm not sure about new girl.

[Tarheel]

Second - the age difference is not necessarily a big deal at most stages of life, but MIGHT be a big deal for the two of you, depending. Your kids are getting older and you're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel - would you actually want to start over again with a newborn? If she's 30 and never married, her biological clock is probably ticking really loudly (unless she's one of those rare people who truly never wants to have kids.) Would you be willing, at this point in your life, to take on a new wife and new baby and all the financial obligation that entails?

Yes, this is a concern of mine. Not because of anything she's said or done, but it's a natural concern. We brushed over the kids issue at one point, but I do feel like she'd like to have a family of her own. I, on the other hand, don't think I could 'start over' with kids.

[SunnyB]

Tar, for what it's worth, never being married and/or no kids is a dealbreaker for me. I could never date a guy who didn't understand my life. I'm in a very different life position than you are (I am too old for more children), but it's definitely something you need to think through.

My aunt married a man who already had a child. When she decided she was ready for a child of her own, he said, no, I already have a son, I don't want anymore, sorry. They divorced. That's a tragedy they didn't straighten that out early on.

[Tarheel]

She does understand my life and says it doesn't bother her at all. She's always complimenting me on what a great dad I am (pat on the back) and how cute the kids are, so I have no doubt she'd be able to accept us all. Just a matter of how strongly she'd feel on having kids of her own. She's a special needs teacher, so is around kids all day.

[Zues126]

Tar, I'm of the opinion that it is a good move to hold off until 1 year after the divorce is final. Not after BD, not after move out, not after legal separation. But after the D is final. I do think anything sooner than that is a bit reboundy.

As we've pointed out, doesn't really change much for what you're going to do. Can't help but add my voice to the choir.

[Maybell]

Tar! I'm glad you're here.

I've been seeing someone since last Thanksgiving. I've had a lot of the same worries you expressed here. I agree with everything Sunny said.

I disagree with Zues about timing because by the time the actual divorce was complete it was almost a non-event. It was important to me not to date until I was at THAT point at least... But even still, dating was a huge shock to my system. I'm wondering if the distance isn't a bit of the appeal at the moment? Gives you the chance to dip your toe in the water of a Good Thing without the shock of immersion in the relationship? Something to consider.

I spent a lot of time worrying if my (not so) New Guy was a rebound. I look and look, and while he's not perfect (nor am I) he is all the things I had wished for in my life. So far. I created a lot of drama and angst looking for red flags and worrying about timing. I could have just been enjoying the moments and relaxing with someone I don't get to spend nearly enough time with.

My advice: Ray hard not to overthink it. Enjoy it for what it is. If, in six months, or nine months, or a year, you look up, and you're deeper into one another's lives and she is home for you, then you'll know. If something happens along the way, and it doesn't play out that way, youll know that too.

Have fun, Tar! It will be interesting to see it all play out!!

[Sotto]

Only thing I would say is I think it's important to be honest if you don't want to have any more kids. That may or may not be a deal breaker for her...but best to be upfront about that before things get too deep. Hope you have a lovely time whatever you decide anyway....

[Tarheel]

I disagree with Zues about timing because by the time the actual divorce was complete it was almost a non-event. It was important to me not to date until I was at THAT point at least... But even still, dating was a huge shock to my system. I'm wondering if the distance isn't a bit of the appeal at the moment? Gives you the chance to dip your toe in the water of a Good Thing without the shock of immersion in the relationship? Something to consider.

Thanks Maybell! I agree about the timing. At this point we've been S for 3 years and we rarely speak anymore. Everything should be complete by this summer. I felt like it was a good year and a half to 2 years after S before I felt ready to even talk to females (in that way). I also didn't want to introduce a new girl into the equation. I made sure to explain my situation to this new girl the other night. I wasn't sure what all she had heard from my brother, so wanted to be up front and honest from the start. She was already aware and ok with it.

The long distance is an interesting dynamic. I think it takes a lot more effort and commitment earlier than a relationship with someone who lives nearby. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing for this first relationship? So instead of 'want to hang out this weekend?', it's setting aside dedicated time to visit and learn about each other at the same time.

I do plan on having the kid talk at some point, but will probably wait until post beach vacation. We're both looking forward to spending some quality time together. We've joked that most people go to dinner on a first date. We're going to the beach and both of us are completely comfortable with it.

[Tarheel]

Wow, it's been a while since I've been on here. Just read through some of my earlier posts and am so embarrassed- man, was I so weak! Oh well, hindsight.....

Not sure what prompted this forum visit, but here's my year end wrap up

D was final in March or April(??) Was just a formality at that point, although the ex seemed to be rushing it when we actually started the process. She then got engaged to OM less than a month later, which would explain things. When I was informed, my first reaction was a chuckle, then I rolled over and went back to sleep. No idea when the wedding is, but they moved into his place, which means my kids now have to go over there. Not going to lie- having to see him at the kids' events and socializing with my 'ex family/friends' isn't easy.

The ex and I don't communicate other than when necessary, through email. I feel bad for the kids that we can't get along, but I just have no desire to be friendly towards her. If she had been just a friend, I would have removed her from my life a long time ago due to all the disrespect, lies, etc she's given me. Our big disagreement now is the kids' schedule- she feels they have to follow the set schedule we determined. I feel that they should have some say in it. I think she disagrees because she knows they'd pick the house. They're 18, 15 and 13, so I think they're old enough to have a voice in it.

On the bright side- I'm still dating the girl I mentioned in the beginning of this thread! We're still 8 hrs away, but visit every 3-4 weeks. The tentative plan is for her to relocate to my city once her school year ends next spring. I feel a little pressure with that (what if she moves and we eventually break up?), but trying to not over analyze. She's great- loving, caring, considerate, gets along with my family/kids and the trust issues I thought I may have in future R's does not exist one bit. We'll see what happens- I'm in noooo rush to jump back into a M, but I know that's important to her, so should the time come, I'm not opposed. Again- nooo time soon

Happy Holidays everyone! Stay strong!

[sandi2]

Good to hear from you.

[Elsa]

That sounds great, Tar! Congratulations on your detachment, your clearly successful solo parenting (as evidenced by who the kids want to be near the most), and your new relationship. (Your post prompted me to come out of the woodwork too ..)

[Ggrass]

I wouldn't worry too much about befriending the x. I'm feel the same as you, but I'm lucky no actual kids to tie me to my x.

He was quite violent towards my son, and so given his extreme measure of the violent events that lead to break down why would I want to see him?
He's not someone I can trust nor. Is he someone I would want as a friend.

So I stay super dark, once I almost bumped into him at an event but I slipped away, because there is nothing to say. I would be able to keep the truth quiet in my head, so I think dark is the best and most respectful way to deal with it.

For me it actually works, and I didn't feel anything when I saw him bar pitty for how mentally ill the man is.