Maybell 38 1. I'm delighted to report the return of the demon daughter. After months of hibernation I thought I'd licked that beast.
2. Ran into Mr. Fantastic and the GF yesterday, I was walking into a lunch place as they were walking out. I see them out together at least once a week. But this time I waited till they were gone, went back to the office, and cried. He's SO GROSS. But I would have stayed married to him and loved him as I promised. He's so empty and irresponsible. So why should I even care? I don't. I guess I was crying for the chaos he's created in my life.
3. New Guy is taking me on a tour of his home state in June. I asked if he was nervous and he said, a little. He said he expected to feel some sadness, taking me to all the places he used to go with his ex.
4. Work is not awesome. My co-workers are great but I'm not doing as well as I'd like.
All these things have come together tonight to make me feel unloveable.
Oh Maybell, you are loved. (((MB)))
You are definitely loved, MB. Big hugs to you.
Maybell, how was your weekend?
Well...
New Guy and I went to a party and had a completely great time. Not once did I feel (even when he was on his own while I chatted with the ladies) that he was impatient or needed me to look after him. If anything, he was way more comfortable than I was.
Saturday he spent on his own, and I'm starting to realize that it's good for him to have his own space. I certainly need some of mine. I have the kids three weekends in a row this month and not having to be ON for another grown up was good.
Sunday we spent with the kids, doing an activity that the kids & I had never done before. He arranged it all. He showed everybody how to do it. S8 preferred to do the activity with NG the whole day. S10 said, when I put him to bed, that he likes NG, he's a good planner. (This is very high praise, given that Mr. Fantastic plans NOTHING.)
He said he could see us married down the road.
I agreed with him at the moment. This morning I was thinking about it and the idea scared me. I mean, I want to be married again someday. I even see New Guy as being a great match for me, and if things continue as they have been, that's the inevitable conclusion to our relationship. But I'm CERTAINLY in no rush and while I love that he says that, I also am totally intimidated at the idea that each moment I spend with him is an expression of commitment. This was the case before but it was easy to ignore before those words came out.
So....
Sounds like things are really going your way. Good for you, MB! Good for you!
MB, this is lovely. It's ok to be nervous, but what an awesome thing to be nervous about. That someone loves you and wants to make a commitment to you? How nice.
I'm always nervous, thinking of what ifs.
I'm find it hard to really be in the moment I off e can't Stettle down. Then xh2 will. Some how get something out there as a trigger.
And it's back in the loop, now I laugh more than cry tbh. I think there odd behiour him and the ow. Laughable
it seems to me that you are very loved:) Enjoy it, stay I the moment, let yourself bask in nice feelings before jumping ahead.
It's good stuff!
There is no rush...enjoy just being loved for awhile
So New Guy and I spent the WHOLE weekend together, on a trip, with the kids. (He had his own accommodations).
So WILD to see him interacting with my kids. They really like him and he's really good with them. Taught them skills. It was strange to see them responding to him. They were engaged and confident. I felt like I was a fly on the wall, watching them. He was creative in dealing with the whining. Told me his primary function was to help me relax so I could have an easier time caring for them. !!! Where does a childless man of a certain age figure these things out? Sometimes it worries me -- what is his ulterior motive? I have to work to sit back and trust that he is who he looks like.
Then, when we were finally alone together, something VERY trivial happened and I completely fell apart. Stood up to get away and announced that I was going home (we were at his house at that point). I went and sat in my car for a while, trying to calm down and decide whether I should just drive away; except, I knew if I drove away, that was a thing I couldn't come back from. And I didn't want to end things. So I went back in the house, but it took a long while for me to calm down.
We talked it over. It took a while. It's becoming clear that I provide something really important -- maybe even vital and basic -- in his life that I had been taking for granted.
I don't think I understand myself very well, but I'd say about 85% of the time, I love the way he treats me. I'm settling down. He doesn't check all my boxes, but when I look at the boxes he doesn't quite check, they tend to be the ones that Mr. Fantastic did check, and that, in my view, gave him the sort of exaggerated self-importance that made him devalue me and the kids. New Guy is emotionally brilliant, and frankly I find that terrifying, because I feel like he could manipulate me very easily if he wanted to use his powers for evil. But when things are good, they're very, very good, and when they're not so great, they're tough in a way that makes me look at myself.
I think I'm growing because of knowing him.
Is all that cryptic enough?
Is all that cryptic enough?
Quite. But I am still following.
Darn. Pressed the wrong button.
Was the trigger a dealbreaker for you? After the A and D ordeal, I finally realised the wisdom behind finding someone you can leave with, instead of finding someone you can't live without.
It's interesting that you mentioned your fear of being emotionally manipulated by NG. Has he ever done anything to warrant this fear? Is this a gut feeling or a waiting for the other shoe to drop fear due to the D?
But I have to say, overall, NG sounds lovely.
Lqive with... not leave with..
Ugh. Never mind. Fat fingers.
Maybell, yep, that was very cryptic. The thing that happened was trivial and yet you were about to break up over it? I'm glad you were able to recover from that, sweetie.
I find it amazing that there are men who will accept us the way we are, lugging all the baggage we have. In the beginning with MyNica, I found I had to explain myself quite often, and that frequently involved a story about mr p. It's not that I wanted to talk about him, but I spend my whole adult life with him and didn't have any other context. And MyNica put up with me brilliantly, and patiently showed me he was not mr p. And that's nice.
Want to laugh? We were kissing; he observed I had coffee breath and offered me a toothbrush.
Of course I was embarrassed but I wouldn't have broken up over that. I had a lot of anxiety, fatigue, and fear playing into that moment and it all just crested over me. I had to take time to understand it though.
I am astounded someone who does so much that is so, so valuable to me could be mine. And really want to be. And not come with a deal breaking catch.
I'm very glad you didn't drive away, especially that you realized this was a gesture that could have more importance than the situation deserved. This is a bit of wisdom, right there.
As for the coffee breath, I would have been tempted to tell as well. I'm disappointed when I get home and I realize that I had something caught in between my teeth or that my collar was inside out. I think "I didn't meet a single friend today". He was being kind and I bet you know it by now.
Have you read the recent New York Times article "Why you will marry the wrong person"? It's beautifully written and a reminder that our best asset in a relationship is knowing how to resolve inevitable conflicts.
Lol, MB, so glad you didn't break up over coffee breath.
Ok. I have the coffee breath. Where do I sign up for the kissing?
Ok. I have the coffee breath. Where do I sign up for the kissing?
Nicaraugua
On a scary note... The current scuttlebutt circulating about Mr. Fantastic's GF is that she's sending her 19 & 17 yo sons to buy pot for her... I asked D13 if she had noticed anything out of place at his house and she commented on the GF's mascara on his pillowcase, clothes in his closet, toothbrush in his bathroom*, but said that was all. I heard the gossip from a neighbor whose teen babysitter goes to school w/the 17yo. (The GF has three younger children as well.)
Thoughts?
*D13 also mentioned that the GF has been using my D's shampoo. D was annoyed and determined this by marking the shampoo level on the side of the bottle with eyeliner. She did this repeatedly till an additional bottle of shampoo turned up in the shower... Given how challenging I find my girl, and she LOVES me, I can only imagine the enjoyment she's offering the GF.
Maybell, how would Mr Fantastic react to you asking about the pot? I am assuming that he won't be of any help there.
You are worried about d13 having access to it? Would it help if you talk to her or you don't want her to know what's happening too?
Ok. This is me but I would probably snitch on OW.
Lol about the shampoo saga.
You know, it's possible that whatever the teenage babysitter heard about OW's son is a lie - other told by another teen, or by the 17 year old to cover his butt ("Oh no, this pot's not for me, my mom needs it for her insomnia").
If you talk to anyone about it, I would talk to your ex and just let him know you are not ok with it in the house with D13.
Agree with kml.
Talk to your x about it. Whatever he does with the information is up to him.
It wouldn't be a concern for me. Why is it "scary"? The US president smoked pot, Canada is about to make it legal and it already is in many countries, etc. Teenagers will all be exposed to pot and socially pressured into trying it. I know I have. Then I moved on. You can't prevent it by stopping GF.
By the way, your conversation will start with "Hey, I heard from the neighbor who's babysitter goes to school with D17 who told her..." It will not sound very convincing, nor hard to dismiss.
You'll need to have the drug conversation with your D13 sooner or later, regardless of whether you will be hardline or not, and this might be an opportunity. Or you can wait. But you can't stop GF from doing anything by speaking to no-good Mr Fantastic. It's just another opportunity to show him how powerless you are.
Just me I would give d tools to handle the pot and ignore xh and his gf.
Not once in xh2 presence have I ever mentioned his ow now gf and he goes to great lengths to hide her even now she is I suspect living there most of the time.
I pretend she doesn't exist and I know he really hates that as he wants me to pick fights and be focused on her not him. Easier for me no kids etc.
But the whole social grace knowing what when where how we all get it wrong. Coffee breath ain't that bad and there are far worse things in the world.
OK not so new guy sees M potential in your R.
Sounds good to me.
I have something to whisper in your ear Maybell.
V
I still get the huge doubts, if he's genuine the what ifs, don't sweat it.
Here is the thing that scares me: What if he suddenly decides I'm too much work, not moving forward quickly enough, too emotional, or not sufficiently available? What if he leaves me as abruptly as Mr. Fantastic left me? I'm becoming used to thinking of him as mine -- what if that's a mistake? Why am I risking that happening again?
I'm becoming used to thinking of him as mine -- what if that's a mistake? Why am I risking that happening again?
Because, MB, what's the alternative? Living closed off, never getting close to anyone again? You don't really want that, or you wouldn't be with NG. You want something better than you had with Mr Fantastic, you want to connect with someone on a deep level, you want a partner to go through life with. And you can't get that being the Cat Lady. Open up, sweetie.
What if he decides x y or Z?
What if he doesn't?
What if you choose?
V
There are bumps and doubts trust me, I have them too.
I have all sorts of melt downs, and most often caused by xh2. Things will work out the way they are meant to.
I have the kids this weekend. Today was a kid event for most of the day. Mr. Fantastic was there. He announced that during one of the intermissions in the event he was going to go pick up the eagerly awaited new kittens. Came back from picking them up and showed the kids video of how cute the kittens are. They begged to go back with him for a bit to play with the kittens. He got visibly annoyed and sighed heavily and said, no, I have plans. Kids have been talking about nothing but the kittens since they got home, wondering how they're doing, etc.
Does he not get how mean and cold that was to them? Why couldn't he have gotten the kittens on a day when the kids could be with him?
Because he is MR Fantastic and it makes sense to him.
V
Mr Fantastic is not really not thinking, is he?
Ah, but he does have a track record of not using his grey matter...
Kids have been talking about nothing but the kittens since they got home, wondering how they're doing, etc.
Does he not get how mean and cold that was to them? Why couldn't he have gotten the kittens on a day when the kids could be with him?
Because he's clueless. Sincerely. He is so out of touch with his kids that this just doesn't occur to him.
And whether they mean to or not, your kids are filing this away in the back of their brains. Trust me on that, I see this coming out of my 18-year old right now.
[And whether they mean to or not, your kids are filing this away in the back of their brains. Trust me on that, I see this coming out of my 18-year old right now.
That is already happening... The girlfriend's kids picked up the kittens and spent the weekend playing with them.
And whether they mean to or not, your kids are filing this away in the back of their brains. Trust me on that, I see this coming out of my 18-year old right now.
I want to reinforce this. Kids are filming their youth and they will be watching the movie when they are older, with adult eyes and minds. Just yesterday, I had a flashback from playing with my dad when I was about 6-7 years old and it shed a new light on how things were at home back then. Keep doing the right thing, let him be without judging in front of your kids, and all will fall into place in due time.
Thanks, all.
I know the kids are watching how he treats them, and filing that information away for later. Especially D13. I just hate what they have to file away.
Leaving for a week's vacation with my New Guy in a few days... I'm a little nervous and excited, looking forward to relaxing in full without the kids, seeing a part of the country I've never seen before, and meeting some of his loved ones. (!!!)
He really wants to be more closely integrated into my daily life, including the kids. I'm not sure how to manage that. Does anyone have any suggestions? He is GREAT with all three of the kids, and totally willing to step up for them. I'm trying to maintain some firmer boundaries, because it's a newer relationship, and I'm still sorting out that part of it, and I want to protect my kids. I've checked in with them about how much time they're willing to spend with him and they've said, a day and a half of each of the weekends they spend with me. Which seems like a LOT. Thoughts?
I am so jealous over the vacay! Have fun!
A day and a half is a lot! What are you comfortable with?
Maybe you could start with a day and adjust from there?
Leaving for a week's vacation with my New Guy in a few days...
He really wants to be more closely integrated into my daily life
Maybell, I'm totally jealous of this, and it's giving me food for thought.
Tonight I realized... I've done a good job of healing from a less than awesome marriage, and from the divorce, but I haven't done much to recover from the infidelity.
Time to roll up my sleeves.
Leaving for a week's vacation with my New Guy in a few days...
He really wants to be more closely integrated into my daily life
Maybell, I'm totally jealous of this, and it's giving me food for thought.
I'm also very jealous. That was all I really wanted from my exNG. I was a part of his life, him, not so much a part of mine. I couldn't go on like that, as my friends and family are very important to me. he seems to really care, is making such an effort, and really cares about you all.
You handle the kid situation great, asking how much time they want ot spend with him, and that is almost their whole weekend. But ye, you do have to consider how much time is good for you.
Navigating these waters can be scary. Please be sure and stop to take joy and excitement in all of this.
Maybell, the infidelity thoughts and healing.
Please don't roll your sleeves up.
Be aware there is a difference between adultery and infidelity.
Adultery is being with another when you are M.
Infidelity is much much broader and can include all kinds of betrayal.
It's broken trust, leave it broken. Let it lie and dust yourself off and start again. It belongs with the scuzz.
It's with x and this is your new guy.
Don't waste breath healing it.
V
Just to clarify -- I'm finding that I'm responding to New Guy in ways that are more a reflection of how Mr. Fantastic treated me than of how NG & I are. That's the part I want to tackle -- being more aware that this relationship is utterly separate from that one. Not continuous.
Maybell, awareness is certainly the first step. It's hard, years of conditioning are going into it. But you will find your own comfort zone with NG, and he sounds very patient with the process. Enjoy the journey.
Yes, I think awareness is the key thing. We may find our automatic reactions are the same in a new R - but if we catch ourselves and question that, we can change our behaviour which in turn changes the dynamic.
I guess the thing that helps me is to recognise that people may come and go in my life - XH, possible new R etc - but ultimately I am okay and will be okay.
Your NG sounds nice and I would take things day by day and enjoy yourself. If there are things you want to work on separate to that R, then great...
Take care xx
Hey Maybell! I haven't been on here in a loooong time.
I wish you the best, you and the kids have been through a life-changing process. You can choose what that change is. Don't let stories from the past color your future. (I've only read this one page so I'm not completely UTD but see there's a New Guy)
Have you become the new and improved Maybell?
I get you think your struggling.
I have days where I need to prove bf is a good guy, that he's not fibbing and telling me porkies like xh2. I'm pretty sure xh2 always did that. I kick myself I was t smart enough to see him for what he was which was which was something like a shape changer who told whatever fitted with what worked in each sitch.
Unless your very aware or switched on you would never have picked it.
You trusted because your a good person, you trusted him like I trusted my xh2 more than they deserved. It's not your bad it's on them or on him.
Xh2 still acts like a child and seems to want me to tell him how to behave, then spews on me. It just serves to remind me why he hasn't done any work and why you wouldn't go back till he did. It serves in my case to remind me why I made the right decision for me.
At the time you did and are doing what is best for you. Trust you can feel Ng has good qualities.
Bug!!!! I just went looking for you a few days before you posted here. I'm with my New Guy at the moment but will catch up soon. I hope you're well and can't wait to hear what's been going on!!
(((Labug)))
Saw this on Mozza's thread from my buddy Raliced and wanted to comment...
I'm sorry you felt shaken by this revelation - but I can't say I'm surprised. Like most things that involve humans, I suppose there is a range of the time needed to heal from such a primal rejection, but I'm sure that for many it is a pretty significant length of time. And there are some, like you, who seem to be able to work on it, while still dating other people - and I admire that. Personally, I'm quite sure that if I tried to date now, it would be more about trying to prove something to my bruised ego instead of enhancing my life - so I think it's wiser for me to wait.
This is something my New Guy and I discuss fairly regularly. Unlike some here I've moved to finding Mr. Fantastic fairly repulsive. Aside from his behavior, he slouches, his hair is thinning enormously but he still grows it long, and he dresses like a hipster. When I see him I'm not at all attracted, but I do feel a disturbing amount of anger.
When I was in the depths of the break up either Betsey or Labug suggested I wasn't so much hurt by him leaving as angry that he left first (before I could). At the time I was pretty indignant but the truth is I recognized that the marriage was sucking for a long, long time before I learned of his cheating. The difference is that I was split between trying to salvage the relationship and facing the truth that he was incapable of engaging. At least with me. once I faced that truth, it was a lot easier to begin healing from the destruction of the marriage. A lot of my emotion since is anger over the disruption in my & the kids' lives and the weight I'm carrying while he goes off to be Mr. Fantastic.
My New Guy has said he feels like he had lessons to learn in the long stretch of time he's been alone. I've said that I worry I met him too soon after the split (19 months after Mr. F moved out, three months after D was final) and his perspective was, either I would have been in a different R that caused damage of its own, or I would have been alone longer and not had the opportunity to learn areas where I still need to heal that have been made apparent by our current relationship. I believe he is right -- that the mistakes, while painful, can be useful, and the space is only healing up to a point. as long as we're not doing what Raliced is concerned about, then we can grow, even when the outcomes aren't awesome.
Of course I say all this in the afterglow of an absolutely amazing vacation with someone who is patient and generous beyond my deserts. If he & I break up you can be sure I'll come here crying in my beer harder than anyone.
BTW, when Mr. Fantastic first moved out, one of my close friends, whose parents divorced when she was 9, said her mother met the Love of Her Life three months after the divorce -- and they're still very happily married 40 years later. So I don't think hard & fast rules apply.
NG sounds like a keeper!!!!
My ex did such a good job of turning me off during and after our divorce. Even though I adored him throughout our marriage, now I look at him and wonder why I was ever attracted to him? Ugly behavior sure makes people look ugly.
(Of course, the fact that my current boyfriend is SO much hotter than my ex and treats me SO much better doesn't hurt!)
You inspire me so much MB. I'm so happy that things are going well with NG!
Today is the three year anniversary of BD#1. I have a bottle of bubbly chilling in my fridge and sometime today I'm going to take a few minutes to raise a glass to OW and her baby daddy to thank them for sending me (so unwillingly) down a road to freedom and the possibility of real happiness.
Spent this weekend with my New Guy. Just doing the household thing together. He takes such good care of me and we had fun last night. The next three weekends we'll spend apart and there won't be much time (if any) together during the weeks. It will be interesting to see how that goes -- we've gotten to spend most of the last three weeks together on almost a honeymoon. But it's important for me to function independently too. I hope he misses me.
Freedom and the chance of real happiness. I love that. So glad everything's going well for you Maybell, I hope I get there too.
Sounds great! When we arrive here, many of us think that happiness can only come through reconciliation. I feel a tinge of guilt for thinking I don't want it anymore. I don't know if it's because of the purpose of this forum, or guilt towards the person I was almost two years ago and who would never have accepted such an outlook. But here we are.
You're sounding great, Maybell! I hope I will get to be where you are some day
You're sounding great, Maybell! I hope I will get to be where you are some day
Yes, Maybell, we are all looking to you for inspiration! So glad it's working out for you, cant' think of anyone who deserves it more.
1) The three weeks without my New Guy are beginning now. I miss him already! Spent yesterday evening with him and some of his family members who were down here for a big event. He's helping get them home and then I leave for a work trip. I like how the family members greet me with hugs and want to meet my kids.
2) I *think* I'm in love and I find lots and lots of moments when I just want to let an ILY burst out of me... But I don't think he's there quite yet and it would break my heart if I let ILY rip and he just said thank you. Waiting makes me really question: is it actually love? What is love? Can I love someone when I know for sure that there is a lot to him that is a mystery to me? Am I ready to truly love? On the other hand, I feel like I've changed because of knowing him. And I like it. So why not take the leap and acknowledge what I *think* I feel? But I'm going to wait and watch.
3) This morning as I was leaving to go to work, I kissed him lightly and said "I'll see you next week, I guess." And I went downstairs to get my shoes on. When I came out from where they were, he was waiting for me. He said my goodbye was inadequate and then he just waited for me. That sounds controlling when I lay it out coldly like that but it was warmer than how it sounds. Anyway, it lit my heart up because Mr. Fantastic never even used to wake up when I was leaving to go somewhere, nor does he wake up when I take the kids (like to church on Easter, or for Mother's Day). So being asked for a properly affectionate leave taking was kind of a big deal for me.
4) We've been dating eight months. It's FLOWN by. I feel like I'm just now getting to know him. I worry about the crash and when it will happen and how. Who will be hurt, how badly... I was filling out the big kitchen calendar that the kids use tonight and I asked if I should include his birthday on the calendar and they said yes. I love how he is with the kids and how they like him, the interest they're taking in his younger family members (and vice versa) and I wish I could see the future and know if it will all be OK. I don't like dating but I do like dating him.
Kids seem to be relaxing with Mr. Fantastic's GF a bit. They were making fun of Mr. Fantastic because he has "NO FRIENDS." I feel like that side of things is settling down some. I have zero respect for him but except when he does something that slights my kids I don't care so much any more about his choices. The exception is when I'm having trouble coping with some of the change in my life that has occurred because of him, like trying to figure out how to balance my new career and the single-parent gig. I know a lot of people have it way tougher than me so I feel badly even sweating it, but the fact is that the balance in my life has changed dramatically and I don't always handle it very gracefully.
I daydream about what it could be like to be married to New Guy but I worry that all the excitement I feel now will die if we lived together, the way it did when I was married to Mr. Fantastic. I don't know how much of that same ol', same ol' was because of me and how much was because he checked out. My New Guy is curious and always willing to say yes to new experiences. Would that last if he married me, or would I end up killing it? Would life with kids drive him crazy or would it bring out what I think he's been itching to explore, the challenge of being responsible for a family? What would we be like when the kids move out and it's just the two of us? Would we have enough to talk about then, or would we be ok with just sitting quietly together on a porch swing holding hands?
Sometimes I wish I could see the future. It comforts me that he's not perfect -- being with someone who treats me as he does seems too good to be true, if he were perfect I couldn't enjoy it at all.
Your posts sound so positive MB! I'm glad to finally get a chance to catch up and see how things are going and what you are feeling. Going back a month or so to something you said in a post, I am kind of feeling that same feeling of disgust when I think of my XH....like what the crap was I thinking? I see where I am now and know that while I loved him and didn't want D, it was really the greatest gift he ever gave me. It set me on a path that has allowed me to find a freedom and happiness that I likely never would've found with him.
I really enjoy your posts about NG. It sounds like he's really treating you well and you so deserve that! I'm so happy for you and look forward to more positive updates from you. Happiness looks good on you, MB!
How was the weekend without NG, Maybell? Did you keep yourself busy?
I left for my business trip on Saturday evening. Was feeling down because I'm the only one not bringing a partner. We got into it a little bit via text and he offered to call but I was already at the airport so we just texted the conversation. I hope it's not manipulative that he suggested I was actually anxious about the trip itself; I feel like I don't have great radar for recognizing manipulative tactics. (Though he drew attention to the idea that all three of my children "manipulate the he!! out of you" so for whatever that's worth).
But then it tumbled out of me that something awful had happened to a friend of mine, so he may understand me better than I give him credit for. And the awful thing that happened to her was something that could happen to me on this trip, and he immediately jumped into concern for my safety. And we still haven't said ILY but he did escalate the I like you to I like you a whole lot. So... Progress!!
Anyway I'm not happy with how this week is. I miss him. It's not game playing that I don't feel totally confident in reaching out to him too much, maybe because I was super aware that Mr. Fantastic didn't love hearing from me. (WHY did I fight for that marriage????)
I can't wait to back to My Guy. He sent me a selfie. I don't know when I'll see him next... Thoughts?
You should send him a selfie too.
Plus any other extras that may be appropriate.
Maybell, I think you need to let go and sink into MyGuy just a little more. Send the selfie, text him if you feel like it. Tell him you are feeling down, see how he responds. Allow him to be concerned for you. You've been with him for months now, he's been consistent and patient with you. Let that wall down just a little more. Be vulnerable. (Go back and review your Brene Brown lessons.......) It's time.
Maybell,
I've been reading Alain de Botton's "The Course of Love"... one of his premises is that we struggle in relationships because we don't really know ourselves, or why we act a certain way (i.e. we don't understand the true feelings behind our actions).
And...even if we DID know ourselves, we don't trust our partners enough to reveal our true selves.
It's been eye opening for me, and worth a read.
Hugs to you.
Thank you for your wisdom! I did try several times to send a selfie... I take terrible selfies!! So I haven't sent one. But I have reached out more freely. I will try to rely on him more. I feel more like myself with him. And he has said (unprompted) that he feels more like himself when he's with me.
I'll stop now -- don't want to gush -- and I wish you all lots of happiness.
1) I daydream about what it could be like to be married to New Guy but I worry that all the excitement I feel now will die if we lived together, the way it did when I was married to Mr. Fantastic. I don't know how much of that same ol', same ol' was because of me and how much was because he checked out. My New Guy is curious and always willing to say yes to new experiences. Would that last if he married me, or would I end up killing it? Would life with kids drive him crazy or would it bring out what I think he's been itching to explore, the challenge of being responsible for a family? What would we be like when the kids move out and it's just the two of us? Would we have enough to talk about then, or would we be ok with just sitting quietly together on a porch swing holding hands?
Sometimes I wish I could see the future. It comforts me that he's not perfect -- being with someone who treats me as he does seems too good to be true, if he were perfect I couldn't enjoy it at all.
Hi, Maybell, if you see below I just got divorced on Monday past. Went through a couple of your posts and the above jumped out at me. You're a strong woman and just keep on going, you're actually already there :-)
What i would like to add is that you cannot tell the future, you have no idea what is going to happen - but if you get caught up with the future you will NOT be able to appreciate the present. You are lucky, you could still have been married to Mr Fantastic (I love his nickname).
So live in the moment, make every moment the best that you can. You do it with your kids everyday, so do it with him too. If you show him unconditional love, he will reciprocate.
I'm probably not a great one to give dating advice since I have not actually HAD a date, but I would definitely open up a little more and lean on him a little more. It couldn't hurt...IF you feel comfortable with that.
Best wishes!
I had a date. ONE.
But I am not ready yet at all. It was lovely, guy was cute and really likes me. I like him but dating behaviour is lost on me.
I have never dated before, so this was a first.
Golly I need lessons!
V
I can say that xWH is no longer attractive.
Well not to me anyway.
Fat, bald, and old beyond his years. Where as V is still young, gorgeous etc. Now where did I leave those glasses?
V
When I look at pictures of myself now vs. 5, 8, or even 10 years ago, I look much younger and prettier than back then. Hope and happiness are powerful.
My Guy was amazingly patient with me. I was a train wreck when we started dating. I had NO game. So awkward and openly suspicious of him. My teeth chattered from nerves & anxiety when we kissed. But I got over it.
I don't like dating. I just like him.
Hey, y'all, I just need a minute to vent.
My life feels so heavy at the moment.
Things with My Guy are great. No complaints there.
But the rest of it is not easy. I have a really hard job, and juggling it with the kids is not working well at all. There are about 500 moving parts all the time and I'm really shortchanging both. There is no more money to throw at this problem and I don't know how to solve it. I work so hard but I'm dropping balls and missing targets left and right. I have so little support. I know I have it a lot better than so many of you on this board but I'm stretched as far as I'll go and it's nowhere near enough.
D13 just told me to quit acting like a kicked puppy because I told her to ask before making cinnamon buns in the middle of the day. She was being flat out mean to all of us for no reason and I just don't care about dealing with it.
My kids are all capable of being a lot more helpful but I have to micromanage every little thing and repeat myself seventeen times and monitor for sneakiness. I know this is normal but I'm just DONE. We're in an all hands on deck situation here and I can't be the only responsible person in the house.
Mr. Fantastic had the NERVE to send me an email the other day in response to a Facebook post I put up about S10's interest in complicated science. He said "I've never been a fan of private education before but it seems to me that might be appropriate for S10 to encourage him more in his interests. If that isn't an option then maybe some kind of after school program?"
It took me two days to come down from the outraged tone I wanted to take with him. How dare he suggest I take on MORE unmanageable expenses and transportation obligations when I'm not even keeping my head above water as it is. Knowing I had to reply to him, I finally managed to very crisply point out that there isn't even money set aside for the children for college and I didn't see how to manage private education, and that I have zero capacity for additional extracurricular activities.
This touches such a nerve since those things WOULD have been an option for all three of my very talented children if Mr. Fantastic weren't so incredibly childish. I feel so inadequate for the weight I carry and when it becomes too heavy I just can't help but want to kick him where it counts for leaving me in this situation.
To add to the aggravation, My Guy spent the last two evenings here with me and the kids, having dinner and just generally spending time with us. He added such an incredible energy to my home. He's super calm and can watch the kids' antics with a certain amusement and sympathy. He's supportive and participates in a way that reinforces me without being intrusive. When he's not here I feel the weight of my responsibilities so much more. But then, this isn't his job, and I have to be able to do all this without him.
Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my moving into MY house. So much has happened in the last year. I can't believe I've navigated all this. In another year again my life will look SO different than what it does now, and i'll be amazed again at how much I accomplished. I won't remember moments like this one when I fell to my knees. But at the moment it's hard to see how it will all happen.
'been an option for all three of my very talented children if Mr. Fantastic weren't so incredibly childish. I feel so inadequate for the weight I carry and when it becomes too heavy I just can't help but want to kick him where it counts for leaving me in this situation.'
I know what you mean and I feel for you.
(((Maybell)))
No advice as I am struggling with this as well.
(((Maybell)))
Unfortunately I have no wise words of wisdom, but I'm so sorry you are struggling. Hang in there!
Maybell, sorry you are having a hard time. I found it difficult being a working mom with three kids at home even when I was M. I wish we lived close enough I could help you. (((MB)))
Two bad rejections at work yesterday and an hour on the phone with my mother has left me deep in the dumps today. My Guy is traveling for work which triggers me from Mr. Fantastic in ways I haven't been able to explain to him (nor do I want to). My S10 is giving me huge heartburn -- He's SO forgetful and inattentive. Like, way beyond normal. Either I do well at work OR I do well at home but not both at once.
My Guy & I don't say ILY. I've come close to it sometimes, and I hint around it sometimes, but I don't get the feeling he wants to hear it. And he only tells me he likes me, or he likes me a whole lot, or if something is troubling me, he says he cares. Sunday he added that I'm a fantastic girlfriend. I want to rely on him more, but I don't know that it's safe or appropriate to until I hear something stronger from him.
Also I talked to my mom yesterday for an hour. She just digs all the time for the hurt spots, ranting about Mr. Fantastic and how awful he is. It makes things 100x harder when she dredges all that up. And when I try to talk about My Guy she brushes it off and doesn't ask any questions at all. She loves the drama. In the meantime I feel stuck in a box -- she doesn't want to connect with Maybell, she wants drama about The Divorced Daughter to report to her friends. And yesterday she even asked if I was doing ok for money! I was so offended.
In short, I'm having a rough day. I wish I could just go home and start my weekend.
First, I'm really sorry you are having a bad day. (((MB)))
Also I talked to my mom yesterday for an hour. She just digs all the time for the hurt spots, ranting about Mr. Fantastic and how awful he is. It makes things 100x harder when she dredges all that up. And when I try to talk about My Guy she brushes it off and doesn't ask any questions at all. She loves the drama. In the meantime I feel stuck in a box -- she doesn't want to connect with Maybell, she wants drama about The Divorced Daughter to report to her friends. And yesterday she even asked if I was doing ok for money! I was so offended.
Maybell, you may be 100% accurate about your mom's motivations. But here's another way to look at it. My mom has never asked me once in the past two years if I'm ok financially. She has never asked if I'm ok, period. She doesnt' ask about mr p, she doesn't ask if I'm dating. She pretends that part of my life doesn't exist. Maybe your mom is doing what she can to connect, maybe that's all she can manage. I think I'd take awkward questions over pretending my entire adult life didn't exist.
As for the ILY, you know how I feel about that. I say take the risk, say it if you feel it. What's going to happen? He says it back and then you are happy? He doesn't say it and it stings but you know that he actually does? He doesn't say it and you realize he doesn't love you? Wouldn't you rather know now? This isn't your first date with him, you are talking about a future. If you love him, I think you should say so.
Take the weekend to relax and recharge, sweetie, you need it.
MB,
I am sorry you had a bad day. What Sunny said is spt on. What's the worst thing NG can do? You have been together a while. If you feel it and want to say it, then go for it.
Hoping today is better. Hugs!
The worst that can happen is he doesn't love me back and I don't have the strength of character to walk away.
I don't have the strength of character to walk away.
Seriously? There's not a person here that believes you in any way lack strength of character. You have it in spades.
So let's imagine you say it, he doesn't love you back, and you don't walk away. A year or two ago this might have been concerning. Now, it's a choice, not a character flaw. You are self-aware enough and have the right boundaries in place to make an intelligent decision whether this is a situation you'd like to live with or not. Give yourself some credit here, Maybell.
Here's an idea I just had reading about your ILY dilemma: How about having a discussion about the phrase ILY with him? When is it okay to say it? What does it mean? What's the difference between love and liking a lot?
I said ILY to ex-NG too fast: 2 months into the R and it made me look emotionally dependent. Later, we had discussions about what it means to each of us, when it should come, etc. It was a much better way to get to know where we stand than just saying ILY outright and see what happens.
The part that really jumped out at me, Maybell, was the comment that IF, and I do mean IF, NG said he was not there yet to being in love with you that you'd have to walk away. Why on earth would that be the case? It's not like he'd be giving you the old ILYBINILWY line. Moreover why if you decide to say it would he then automatically be required to say it? You most certainly cant think that you get to decide this timetable for both of you? I know you're smarter than all of this. So then I gave to think that you're just way overthinking all of it. I get it, it's really scary to be that vulnerable and put it all on the line. I'm guessing that's what it really is. But what if you both are waiting? And then I have to raise the point of how emotionally honest are you being with this guy if you're feeling something but not sharing it? Most certainly there is an appropriate window many people would follow.
If I was a guy, and by the way I am, lol, and if I was a guy who was cautious and not wanting to go too fast or get in too deep, and by the way I'm these things too, I can't tell you how great it would make me feel if you came to me and said something like, "things are obviously going well with us and at some point if that keeps going we are going I fall in live here - it that's not already happened. I have to tell you, even though part of me thinks that would be incredible, another part of me is scared shitless." I can't tell you if his response to "I love you" will be me too, but I'm betting his response to these comments will be ME TOO.
So FWIW, I'd really suggest you gave that conversation with him. I think it will do both of you a whole buch of good and will likely make you feel better and take the pressure off. And it's okay if either you or him are not there yet. Two years from now I'd a different story but not at this point.
And one more thing, I think you already knew all this. You're a very smart lady. You just needed a little reassurance. You are following nag and will do just fine. And just be ne more item from another guy, from all you've told us, including him seeing you as part of his retirement plans, this guy loves you whether he is ready to admit it yet or not.
.
...... And here is another perspective........
Do you think maybe he is scared YOU won't say it back? It's possible.
I've exchanged those words with 2 people in my life. One, my exH and it took him TWO YEARS to say it. And I had said it took him a long time to return those words. My ex isn't a stellar example, but in his own way he did love me. And when he did start saying it, he said it all the time.
The other was ex NG, two MONTHS in, and he said it first. But he kept implying it but hard a hard time getting it out. I felt it but I did not expect those words to be exchanged for a while.
And the difference I see here is that your guy actually SHOWS it. His ACTUONS are extremely loving to you. My ex NG said it, stopped saying it because he actually made an effort to stop trying to love me. But I needed to see it and feel it more than anything. As in an ounce of effort for him to see me and make sacrifices.
I don't think you would have to walk away if he couldn't say the words right now. It certainly seems as if he shows you in his actions. Love is an ACTION.
The words used to be so important to me. Now, they really mean crap. I'd love to see it and feel it the way you do.
Well, I see everyone's point. And I totally botched things over the weekend and we didn't get there. But I tried to start the conversation at least a little bit and I think it's moving in that direction. It's very interesting. However, the main take away is: I need to relax. And trust him.
He came up with four projects at my house that he suggested we do this weekend. Two of them I want to do but haven't mentioned -- he's investing in my home in ways that make it more comfortable for him as well as us. I see that for what it is.
He's only my 3rd relationship in my life, the first two were Mr. Fantastic and my horrible college boyfriend who was very dysfunctional. Mr. Fantastic said it, and meant it as far as he is able, in 6 weeks and the college boyfriend said it on the 3rd date (I know, I would have run, but I was being a stupid teenager...) I didn't want My Guy to say it before, but now that I want it I want it RIGHT NOW. I guess I haven't grown up as much as I thought. Although they were used on me cheaply before, I look forward to hearing them now because when he is comfortable using them then *I* will be free to use them as much as I want to. He does a lot for me and there isn't so much I can do back for him. He has been lonely and I want him to understand his importance to me.
I should be able to say ILY without needing to hear it back, but I'm just not able to. When I've said other things about how I feel about him, without hearing it reciprocated, I get upset and it's a struggle to maintain my composure. It feels like a rejection. I'm already nervous about how quickly we came together, and nervous that I am trusting someone with my heart after getting it stomped on not that long ago. I'm not trying to be controlling.
In other news, the kids started school today and it was 100% smoother than last year, thankfully. When I was loading the school calendar into the family calendar and the paper one I keep for the kids (so they know who they're spending the weekend with, etc.), I noticed that Mr. Fantastic is out of town this week. So he won't be spending any of his week nights with the kids as usual. But he hadn't told them. So I got to. They took it very quietly but later, when he texted me to ask if they could talk on the phone, D13 said "Why is he taking an interest in us all of a sudden? He hasn't wanted to talk on the phone in months." That stung. Each kid spent maybe 3 minutes on the phone with him.
I seldom wonder this, but tonight I do: Is this what he thinks parenting is? Checking in once in a while when it occurs to him? How can he live with himself, making plans with less regard for their feelings than if he was an uncle or a family friend? My Guy is more engaged with their well-being than Mr. Fantastic. He's so engaged, in fact, that I sometimes disagree with him about his suggestions, but they are ALWAYS appropriate to the problem we are discussing.
Ginger, yes, love is an action. Thank you for the reminder. I'm lucky beyond my deserving.
Hi Maybell, reading your posts above I would agree with others and relax back and enjoy the R as it is just now. I do think that seeking an ILY puts a pressure bar in there and there's no need to do that. Your guys seems invested in the R and is good to your kids, is affectionate to you and so on....relax and enjoy I would say...:-) xx
MB!
Love the investing in my home point!
How do you feel about that?
You are a smart lady. Focus!
Surfer.
He was amazing this weekend. I am utterly smitten. And terrified too.
I totally understand being terrified. It's something else I worry about for myself down the road - as if I don't already have enough. Thing is, after it's been so long for me I now see how rare it is. So, yeah, it's scary, but just how lucky are you to even have a reason to be scared. Just remember the alternative. I know I will. Utterly smitten with a guy who appears to adore you. That's pretty awesome.
Maybell, sweetheart
I believe love is in you and it grows. True attached love takes time and work, the immediate kind of love hunger is like a chinesE meal you are still hungry.
Relax into your R, it will be ok, hang out, hook up and have fun.
You are moving from dating to exclusive, it's early days.
I think if you rush this phase you may loose some beautiful sexy exciting moments.
It's great to be loved up and to have a head rush, pair bonding takes time it's the oxytocin that does the deed.
Fretting may get in the way of fun and laughter and frankly you deserve that.
Hugs
V
That is exciting, and I think the fear is good. It will force you to slow down. To not get caught up. V is one wise woman.
Enjoy this time.
What's going on? Smitten/terrified?
Why?
If you are in control of you why are you terrified.
Maybell, take control.
Got it?
Surfer.
I can understand both smitten and terrified. LOL I want desperately to find love but at the same time I'm scared to death to find love. You are farther along in this process than I am, obviously, but seem very level-headed in the whole deal. Cheers to you and your continuing success on this path.
Terrified, because I'm trusting him and that is scary. Because I worry I love more. Because I worry that I'll get my heart smashed again. Because I worry that I'm not seeing him clearly -- that he's not the person I'm giving him credit for being. Terrified because I don't really know how to be in a relationship and I'm afraid of messing it up.
Smitten, because he treats me better than I've ever been treated before. Because my family seems to work better when he's around -- I'm more structured, the kids are engaged, everything is just generally calmer.
I wish I had a crystal ball. And telepathy (sometimes). I wish I was braver, and maybe that he was too.
Surfer, I don't know that I understand myself well enough to be in control of me. The things that terrify me I don't believe I control.
Vanilla, we've been together 8 months. A little more than that since I met him.
Maybell,
Look at the advice you have given others.
You are clear and confident.
Please be kinder to you. You are worth the same advice you kindly extend to others, surely? Well I think you are......are you not.
You are one switched on and focused lady that has a sassy edge.
Be smitten. Beautiful. But scared? Really. You have done scared, does it ever work? He wo t be attracted to scared. Be sassy, be smitten, be beautiful you.
Now get a move on and stop thinking negative thoughts....
Surfer.
Maybell
Yes 8 months is short time.
Attachment is 18 months plus.
V
Boll0cks to that Maybell. You choose the timeline. Nobody else. You are a smart, confident and feisty LADY. Yes, it all takes time, and I really do get both the feeling of where you are and the fear of where you are potentially going. But he will only, only, only, be attracted to that sassy version of you. I promise you that. Go Sassy. Go sexy. Go to the best version of you. Do it now my sweet. Be have you are it, YOU!
"How long must I sing this song" as Bono would say.
Your prison is your own making. Free yourself.
Surfer
OK Maybell.
Where are you today? Thinking about that Sassy version of you?
Hopefully you are 'eye on the ball of detachment' and whilst starting to pick up your confidence and to do things the help you love you again. Be sassy you. GAL, be the lovely you, the one that anyone would be a fool to be without.
If you are struggling with that. Do something that makes YOU happy, then think about it. Get focusing lady!!
Surfer.
Maybell,
Please start a new thread. Thanks!
