I can't believe I am posting again. But everyone has always been helpful here, sometimes lifesaving to me, and I thank you all.
I went to yoga last night then my IC. It was a nice combo. My mind stayed in the yoga class, and I let it OUT at IC. Hadn't been there in 3 weeks. Went through a box of tissues. I am very candid and honest with her. She was very supportive, and understands my pain, we discussed how it is surely tied to past relationships. She went off and rattled a list of all my positives and said I should never even think they are wrong or change them. I need to go back where my taking a stand and stating my needs was empowering and the betrayal should not overrule it. She applauds me for still seeing the good in people even when they hurt me, but I shouldn't lose sight of the good in me. She supports my decision for the talk, especially under the circumstance, no matter what happens, this is the end and I won't look anywhere else.
We did not talk last night. He texted when I got out of yoga that he was going to the dinner and he would be home late and asked if we could talk today. I said fine. Then he texted early this morning saying he lad a long road trip for work and asked I if I could talk then. I said I get no privacy at work and I would prefer not. He made a joke asking if I springing something big on him asked if I was pregnant. it lightened the mood because I told him I was (his biggest fear). I told him it was nothing big and if he couldn't talk tonight to call when he could. This weekend he says.
Ellie, I see your POV. I have fully decided to go into this not looking for answers. I don't want them, actually. I may get them even though I don't want them. I just want to clear the air, say my thoughts and release this burden I have been holding.
I had a good night last night. I was relaxed and at peace. Anxiety had left my body for one night. Yoga and therapy helped. I am doing the work to get to a good place. And my therapist said it's okay to be sad. She promised, it would pass. She knows I am working very hard at it, even if it isn't coming in the timeframe as I hoped.
Previous Thread:
This is What's up
We did not talk last night. He texted when I got out of yoga that he was going to the dinner and he would be home late and asked if we could talk today....Then he texted early this morning saying he lad a long road trip for work and asked I if I could talk then. .....I told him it was nothing big and if he couldn't talk tonight to call when he could. This weekend he says.
This seems to be ex-NG's m.o. I wonder what his excuse will be this weekend.
Glad you went to yoga, that always seems to make you feel better mentally. How do your feet hold up though? And also glad your IC validated your feelings, and reminded you of all the good that is in YOU! Cause there is plenty. Don't ever forget that, missy. NG's actions, your ex's actions, are all due to something wrong with THEM, not you.
Do you have any online dates lined up?
Linda,
I actually think he is curious about what I have to say. But I am sure he has to wait to his GF isn't around. I am so whatever about it now. I'd like to say my piece and be done.
it's a slow learning process that everyone's actions aren't a reflection of who I am. I get it, but I get knocked off that thinking when the same things keep happening with the men I date. So I have to choose someone who is on the same page with me.
One good thing on the online dating front. A guy and I have been texting, but I can just tell it will complicated. he lives an hour away in PA, works a lot and has 2 young kids. He is an LPN, going to school to be an RN. Making the first date is a challenge because he is working so much and then going on vacation. so we agreed to drinks when we get back.
Yoga does help me a lot. it's hard to think about much when you are sweating buckets trying to hold a pose. You truly have to be there and mindful in the moment.
I got the cortisone shot and it's a little sore but feeling better. I'm going to do spin tonight and some other class this weekend. But I have to schedule my surgery if I want this gone. Time is the problem. I might do it for when D8 is on vacation with her dad.
I have been frustrated with all things on my plate lately, but I am taking it all in stride. One thing at a time.
I actually think he is curious about what I have to say.
But I am sure he has to wait to his GF isn't around.
Just what you dont need, to be the OW - sorry thats the way I see it.
Cadet,
you know me, We are having a conversation, not an emotional affair. He's not hiding me from his GF, it's just kind of weird to talk in front of your present one. He may even tell her we spoke. There is no flame rekindling here. Ex's do talk once in a blue moon, even when they are with new partners. It doesn't make them "other people"
I'll never, ever ever ever ever ever be the OW. I'm sorry you see it that way.
Cadet,
you know me, We are having a conversation, not an emotional affair. He's not hiding me from his GF, it's just kind of weird to talk in front of your present one. He may even tell her we spoke. There is no flame rekindling here. Ex's do talk once in a blue moon, even when they are with new partners. It doesn't make them "other people"
I'll never, ever ever ever ever ever be the OW. I'm sorry you see it that way.
Maybe I am not explaining it properly.
It has NO relection on you it is all on him.
He is continuing to run.
He is wayward. He is in his own crisis.
G I'm not sure why you need to talk to him? You are just prolonging the pain. There is nothing to be said that would be of benefit to you the way I'm reading things.if he already has a GF that says a lot about him. Time to switch your brain off. Stop the negative views you have of yourself. Those views were created as you were growing up and kick in automatically. Learn to challenge them with more rational beliefs of yourself. Ok I'll shut up now
Yes - what Rick says...
And I get the reference Cadet is making. I used to get that all the time. From the minute my ex left - he needed permission from OW to talk to me - like I was OW to her. It's nutty but that's the way it is...
I would stay out of the mess. I would not talk to him - it just boosts his ego (women just can't let me go...). And I would forget the event. Because even thinking about going will mess you up. Honestly to this day I have never met OW. Because even 15 years later - I know it will hurt me. And I just can't do that to myself.
Be strong...
Barb
Cadet, thank you for clarifying. yeah, he is wayward. I hope he does find his way.
This has zero to do about him. It's hard to explain. I actually wish him the best. And Id on't care if his ego is boosted by my out reach, because it's not the purpose. It's about a weight on my mind that has been affecting me. So either, the weight goes lessens with this, or it stays and I find another way to rid myself of it.
I'm not getting in the mess. I have realized life carries on and I would like to be at peace with myself and the people who have come into my life and have made an impact, it is just what works for me. it's just how I operate. I don't like to carry things in my heart and my head that are heavy, and where I drop my stuff off is different than others I guess. I appreciate all the opinions.
He did call last night, but I wasn't available. We had a small text exchange and it was friendly, unrelated to the topic, and I realize the feelings I thought might be attached to it aren't there. And it was a big relief for me to know that. The wondering what kind of feelings would be attached weighed me down to.
Anyways the focus is on ME. And I am taking good attention at making sure I realize my worth. I admittedly lost a bit of it, and I found it again.
My poor D8 was talking ot me last night about how mean her dad is, how he yells at everyone like her, W, and grandma and he seems like a monster and thinks something is wrong with him. She said she has no idea how dad came out of grandma, because grandma is so nice and sweet. I validated her and told her she is a good loving girl with a good loving heart, and it doesn't make it right, but sometimes dad doesn't know how to handle things when they don't work the way he wants. I assured her that her dad loves her, his wife, and his mom, but he has a hard time with his own emotions.
Sad. I never want my daughter to lose her self worth because the most important man in her life is such a monster.
And honestly, I should not talk about this on here anymore considering certain friendships. I started out speaking of him on here when it was a great positive about my life and I was excited to share. It didn't end as I had hoped, but despite how I feel now, which has more to do about me, rather than him, TBH, I will never regret him coming into my life. It taught me a lot about love and relationships, and I view the experience with D8 involved for the first time to truly be a positive. We learned to let some love from the outside come into our tight little bond. It was actually quite awesome. I think D8 looks at a man and his kids coming into our life again as something not so scary anymore, but positive.
OK, I'm totally out of it here? Lost...but why are you talking to this guy at all? this is NG, right? He dicked you! He has shown you who he is and when people do that they are giving you a gift...don't go there again, the pain will just get worse. I think we each have to recognize that life is just not fair...that's the way it is and we can't tie every situation up in a neat little package with a pretty bow and wave bye bye with big smiles on our faces. There is no happy ending here...endings suuck and they are painful. Do not allow him back in your life...just don't!!!! Tell him you said what you needed to say and to "have a nice life"! Just end this or you won't heal. You are an amazing lady with so much to give someone, find someone worthy of you (when you're ready). You can do this...don't make me come down there ha ha!
OK, I may have hit the panic button there...but contact is just not a good idea...IMHO anyway.
WII, no need to panic. I'm jus clearing the air, so I can clear my head so I can be ok for future events I refuse to miss because they will be there. Just a little closure for me, has nothing to do with him. It may end bad, it may end neutral, it may end good. But I've been sitting on this, it clouds my head, and I want to clear it.
Signing off for now, don't want to keep explaining it. I probably shouldn't have mentioned anything. He's been mentioned more than I ever should have and it's about me.
Got some school work to do at work. And then maybe a little work at work.
You gotta do what you gotta do
I understand your pain and the gap that loss leaves in your heart. To have that special feeling with someone else is just awesome...and the hurt when it ends it pretty deep too. Hang in there
(((Ginger)))
Hope today's a better day.
Thanks WII, I knew you would get it. After all of this, I wonder if its even worth it. Maybe, maybe not, but I realize more that either way, my path remains the same. I'm moving on, I owe it to myself. He didn't call last night, maybe some other time, but it really doesn't matter anymore.
JKS, thanks. Today is actually a better day. A much better day indeed. I had some human kindness experiences over the past 2 days that reminded me that I am not unlucky, I don't deserve bad things and that there is goodness in people and I am right where I need to be. I lost my footing, which I haven't done in years, but its okay, I'm getting back on track.
Ginger,
You sound so much better today. You are not unlucky, but life has tossed you a number of lemons over the last few years...but I see a woman who has picked herself up, not once, but several times and has gotten stronger each and every time.
You are right where you need to be at this time. Think positive and when you do, everything appears so much better. I think you are a wonderful mother and your daughter is a gift who needed to be cherished by one and all. I'm sorry your xh is the way he is, but he's the one that is missing out on your daughter's life and one day, when he's old and sitting in a rocking chair, he's going to want your daughter to come visit and help him out...that's when he'll come to realize just how much he's missed in her life.
Ginger, please do not ever doubt yourself. You are far wiser and stronger than you think.
Job, that really made me tear up. But happy tears! Happy tears feels so much better. I'm going to keep picking myself up, because the other option isn't an option.
some days, I think I am incredibly strong. Others, I feel like complete mush. I become incredibly mushy when it come to matters of the heart. What's up with that?
I had a good day yesterday and I was alone for most of it. I cleaned, did some of my paper, found out I got a 100% on last weeks paper, did a little shopping, then had dinner with a friend. And laughed and had a great time. The peace is slowly seeping in.....
And Job, congrats on the moderator position! You have helped so many and it is definitely well earned.
Ginger,
You are a very sentimental lady who has a heart of gold. Your heart is tender and you want to share your love, kindness and compassion w/everyone. Don't be afraid to shed those tears, be it for happiness or sadness. Tears help us get thru many of life's challenges.
I'm glad you had a good day yesterday. Congratulations on the 100%! You worked hard for that grade and you should be very proud of it!
Peace will come...it just takes time.
G, loving someone makes us vulnerable, we can choose to close down our hearts or heal and look forward to a better day. Your day is coming
Ginger, I want to thank you for dropping by my thread.
I agree with what have been said about you. You are an incredibly strong woman with a heart of gold. I really appreciate you sharing your story with me.
I am praying that you will find a great guy who will love you and see you for the wonderful angel that you are. We need more mini mes of people like you.
Job, Wii, and Jks,
Your words mean more than you will ever know. Helps me really view as myself as the same when I am struggling to do so.
I am VERY sentimental, it's the truth. I married my first real BF. My first real heartbreak was him. Multiple times with him even before we got married. I couldn't let go as I felt he had the most intimate part of me. And exNG was the next to get the most intimate part of me. Even more so than my ex. I don't give it away freely, but when I do, every part of my heart is all in. I find things shared with that person hard to let go of. Then way more difficult to know someone else so soon is sharing it with them.
So, it takes me a little longer.
As expected, I haven't hear from him this weekend. I'm sure he was otherwise occupied. I think I am just going to tell him to forget it.
You guys are right, I am not really accomplishing anything. I'm just going to focus on me, and just like with everything else, this will fade away.
Ginger, your posts really resonate with me. We have a young D and our xhs left us for OW.
And like you, xh was the only guy I had ever fallen in love with and I had ever loved. In the months leading up to the D, I refused to even mention 'love' and 'xh' in the same sentence to my C. It was too painful for me to say it out.
Like you, I only pour out my innermost thoughts here on the board.
I think you are very brave to allow xNG into your heart again. I know how much it takes. Some times I feel like I am a 1 man woman and I have used up my quota of love for this life time.
If xNG doesn't get you, I am sure someone else will.
So, We had the talk. I actually texting him backing out of the talk. We both admitted we wanted to talk but were nervous.
Our first half hour were like we never ended. We caught up about our kids and lives and work, and politics, lol.
Then he brought up what was going to be my icebreaker, the defriending on FB. I explained why and I told him I as holding on to it and I told him it hurt. He remembers the timeline otherwise, but whatever.
Much to be said. But yes, we got into talks of us. I don't want to detailed on here, but it was eye opening. We admitted to still missing eachother. He asks about me all the time to mutual friend. He talks about me all the time to his secretary, and just the other day. We never met, but she is a fan of mine, lol. he indicated him and gf don't have what we had. Not much was said about them, but I can see it is a Band-Aid. His daughter can't stop talking about me, he said her mom is probably sick of hearing my name. Everyone misses me including him. he aid multiple times "I just keep walking away from the ones I love". We discussed that a little.
But..... still the same issues. he couldn't handle the distance and the commitment to the effort it takes to make the distance work.
Of course, there was so much more. It still come back to the same issues I can't resolve. It's not for me to resolve. And I know this.
There is peace and comfort knowing he just didn't toss me aside and forget me. Then there is that pain of loving someone you just can't be with. I do not regret speaking with him at all. It was actually nice. If it's ever meant to be, it will be, under the right circumstances. But I won't wait for it.
Jks,
I have quite soft spot for you because I can completely empathize with everything. I know how you are feeling now, and I know what good is to come for you, and you will embrace it when you experience it, I am quite sure. You have not used up your quota of love for a lifetime, I can assure you of that. And letting someone new is isn't as painful as I make it look. It was such a wonderful experience. As I get older, I realize people do come into our lives for a reason, and we can love multiple people, all of which teach us something different.
But..... still the same issues. he couldn't handle the distance and the commitment to the effort it takes to make the distance work....It still comes back to the same issues I can't resolve. It's not for me to resolve. And I know this.
Well....what can we say? I knew ex-NG would be mourning the loss of you. The man is a fool. He threw away the best thing that ever happened to him AND to his daughter, because he is afraid of commitment...and isn't willing to put forth the effort needed to be in a committed relationship with a woman who doesn't live around the corner, or better yet, with him.
You're right G, it's not up to you to try to solve ex-NG's issues. Anyway, I predict that ex-NG is going to decide that the work it would take to have a relationship with you IS worth the effort. And equally predict that you will be snapped up and in a committed, loving relationship with a fella named new-NG by then......
G, I'm gonna say this and if it is not needed then disregard it but know I say it because I care about you. Remember, this man wouldn't give you what you needed and, not only that, didn't bat an eye before starting another R...in fact, he started it before your R had even ended. That scares the hell out of me! Yes, I'm sure he has some wonderful qualities (or you wouldn't have been with him!) but he is also quite capable of compartmentalizing feelings big time. I don't believe this started due to the pain of a failed marriage, I tend to believe this way of dealing with feeling and relationship is a life long behaviour. This will not change!This does not mean he's a "bad" person but is someone who's bad for you! Don't let him "park" you...and leave that little light glowing in your head. Walk away and keep going...don't keep in touch or be his FB friend...and tell the friend who keeps updating you to stop!!!! You've got your "completion" so it's time to let go and keep moving. You deserve so much more!
OK, rant finished
I seriously love you guys.
I did make a promise to myself that I would move forward no matter what after I did this. I am still sticking to that. My life and my heart are not going on hold. After 2 hours, it all came back to the same thing. He can't/won't give what I need. WII, you are right, he is a huge, self-admitted compartmentalizer.
It's just sad and a shame. And one day, he might realize it, but I'll most likely be long gone.
So, forward march I go. Hoping to find the one who one day can act on the love they claim to have for me.
What Wii said.
If it was what you needed to do then - its done. Its said. I hope it helps you move forward.
For what it's worth. A year after leaving me Chuck told me he still loved me. He will always love me. And that maggot didn't hold a candle to me. Not even close.
Some guys just can't do what is best for them. Its just their M O. Their loss!
Barb
I'm on the Wii bandwagon as well! We all care about you and don't want you to keep your heart be on hold for this guy, because it's just going to get continually disappointed and broken. I have personal experience with this. It was hurt twice and then after that she came back after several months wanting a R with me. I tried to let her back in and it just wasn't the same and it ended up with me having to end it with her, which was messy to say the least.
You've gotten your opportunity to state your mind with him. Now it's time to appreciate the good that you got out of the R with him, learn from the lessons and march on to better things on the horizon.
Best,
BA
I do really appreciate how much you guys care.
And I am on the bandwagon too:) I did what I needed to do, time to take the good and move on.
Wow, I'm not used to having a bandwagon...usually it's just an ice cream truck that only serves vanilla.
WII, usually the only bandwagon I am on is the ice cream truck! But I am a chocolate gal:)
Saw my IC yesterday and told her everything. She said I seem so much lighter and at peace. She was worried prior to this that if I didn't do this, I would be too distracted to enjoy my vacation, and she is right, I would have been. We spoke of his daughter, which has been paining me. I had bought her a birthday card with a little gift, but didn't send it, because I figured if she forgot about me, all the better. I didn't want to overstep boundaries either. When I told IC how said it made me that she doesn't stop talking and asking about me I figured she might feel abandoned and forgotten. I never did get to say good bye. She did suggest I ask him if I can send a little card letting her know I think of her and care about her. So I asked last night and he said he thinks she would really like that. So, I'm, going to do it. It's tough, all four of us miss one another.
I'm just sort of sad, but no longer burdened or angry. We discussed him and she said she can understand why I still care. I have a soft spot for good hearts that want to open but struggle. Maybe because that was me. But there is only so much I can do.
Anyways, enough about that part of my life. Time to even stop talking about it now. Less head space, the better.
three more sleeps and I'll be leaving on a jet plane. Me and my bestie were talking last night and we both agree there is no one we would rather take this vacation with than eachother. I am lucky to have a friend like that. Even thought she signed me up to chaperone the 8th grade formal with her. I will have to learn to forgive her for that one.
LOL!
I'm a firm believer that vacations can solve a world of problems. Have fun! Enjoy! Your head and heart will clear.
You are on to new and better things.
Barb
G we negotiate the distance everyday. I am off this week. Been home alone the entire week and struggle with the commitment myself. I go from anoyed to being pissed. She couldn't take the time off. Not her fault.
I love her that much that I would travel the world for her and I will deal with my own nuances. Yes it makes me crazy living out of 2 places.
But she is worth the hassle. And so are you. You really are my friend..Don't sell yourself short..
Rick,
You and the wifey are the reason why I don't back down from my stance. Love does conquer distance. It's not easy by any means, but it can for sure be worth it. And both parties need to feel that way. I did. He didn't. We actually discussed that. I will respect the fact it is not where he is in his life, and I will also respect the fact that I want to receive that kind of love.
Old me would have settled for less than that. New me recognizes my worth. And having this talk reminded me of that. His inability to give me that will not affect the way I view my worth.
I still have love for him, and probably always will on some level. I maintain what I said when I was dating him. I said even if it didn't work out, I would always be thankful of having the experience of loving him. But I know I am meant for someone who can reciprocate my love and effort.
I am actually excited to meet this guy I have been texting with. It's weird only have been texting for the past few weeks due to schedules and vacations, but I appreciate that he has stayed in contact even on his road trip with his daughter. I hope to meet him when we both get back. I will have zero expectations, but I think it is a good sign that I get happy when I see a text from him. And even if it doesn't click with him, I am looking forward whatever may come next.
I'm not going to lose hope.
oh, on a totally different subject:
I had texted the other day that exH should see D8's swim team before it ends. he would be impressed. He never responded. Today, he showed up and I didn't know until the end because I worked out while D8 swam. I was really happy that he showed up for her. But then he baragged her with critiques of her swimming and she told me later she was upset and asked why daddy couldn't give her a compliment. I show her areas of improvement myself, but always make sure to compliment where she did great or improved.
he informed me today ex FIl has throat Cancer. I see ex FIL every Tuesday because he takes D8 to swim for me on Tuesdays and I meet them from work. He had a very raspy voice and he told me he has a growth, but it doesn't hurt, so it's probably nothing, but everyone is making me do this. That was when I knew it was throat cancer before he got the biopsy. he tells me in front of D8 and talks about his treatment options. D8 is no longer 2, and knows what we are saying is not good. She freaks out in the car thinking he is going to die. I explained everything to her in a way she could be comforted and understand.
I really wonder about my ex sometimes. D8 is now noticing his "shrortcomings". I have a feeling I will have to be doing a lot more damage control......
I really wonder about my ex sometimes. D8 is now noticing his "shrortcomings". I have a feeling I will have to be doing a lot more damage control......
Error on the side of truth.
She will handle it, and it is the best parenting technique.
As far as the distance is concerned - YUP it takes WORK.
And I agree you are worth it - dont let anyone else convince you otherwise.
I was the same. I used to settle and later resent it get angry and rub it on her face. Not very mature. When I met K I was very clear as to what I wanted. We are still working on the logistics since she has a D. Have fun with the new date
Cadet, always the truth, the right? I just tell her the truth in a way she can understand and not get hurt. My biggest fear was my ex treating D the way he treated me. I prayed he wouldn't do that to his own D. It's painful watching it. It destroyed my self-esteem and worth and made me feel unloved by him. I have to do what I can to make sure that doesn't happen to her. I am no perfect parent by anymeans and can mess up, but I always apologize and remind her of everything great about her. Yes, hate to bring him up again, but D thought exNG was great and would compare him to her father and was genuinely amazed and I think relieved when she saw how a father-figure can be kind and non-judgemental to a little girl like her. It's a must-have quality for any man who enters our lives in the future.
Just want to thank you all for being there for me while I have been struggling. It has not been an easy last 2 months. My head has been messed up forgetting things and just not keeping everything together as well as I normally do. I have been quite absent-minded and overwhelmed. Just too much going on. It hasn't been affecting my work in general, but I made 2 little mistakes yesterday (nothing big, I named a file something silly, and something else) and my boss laughed and said "You really do need this vacation!" She is the best boss ever, actually. I said I sure do. I hope this trip is the rest button I so desperately need and I come back clear-minded.
Thanks again!
Ginger,
I agree with not sugarcoating things for your D. This is something that I struggle with for my own D as well.
And I just realised that I have to db my own kid as well. I can't just tell her stuff. I have to show her throufh my own actions.
It's lovely how your D has had a good example of how daddies/ grown men can treat little girls like her with love and respect. I am sure you will find another guy like that, and one that is willing to work for you too.
I am back! I had a wonderful time on my trip. The weather was great, the drinks, the food, the company. I was utterly relaxed the whole time. D8 called crying for the first day or 2 and the night before I left. She just doesn't like me being so far away. We facetimed morning and night, and she was fine. ex handled things for the most part with the help of his sister who got her to and from swimming, which I am thankful for, because she prefers her over the grandfather.
I burnt like you wouldn't believe despite sunscreen, but I am turning tanner than I have ever been in years, put on a few pounds which are coming off. The best part of the vacation was the beach butler, who if you tip them $15 a day, they treat you like royalty. She went to the beach where they make the jerk chicken everyday and had just delivered it to us wiout asking, brought us drinks she thought we would enjoy without asking, and chased me down with frozen aloe when she saw how badly I was burnt. This was probably my favorite part of the trip. No one does for me ever in real life. It was so nice ot have someone think of me and get something for me. A little awkward because I'm not used to it.
I even went back to work the next day and they gave us a half day. Score!
Mentally, it was nice to have my first few days in a the last 2 months where I didn't cry. Where my anxiety was almost non-existent. And I did bring some of that home with me. Back to normal life.
I had hoped exNG would leave my mind. He hasn't. There was so much there I knew he would enjoy. But I have come to accept he may just be a part of my thoughts. No taking them over, but just a part of them. Accepting that is easier than trying so hard ot rid myself of them and getting mad at myself when I can't. That just made me more frustrated. I don't want to always be frustrated and pissed at myself because I am having feelings I think I shouldn't have. That's not being nice to myself.
My class if over, I got my best grade yet. 2 weeks off now. I'm pretty busy, which is good. Tonight, my friends and I are going ot our favorite spot to do an early bday celebration since on my birthday weekend, we are celebrating another friend.
I'm feeling pretty good. I need ot do this every 6 months!
Ginger,
I'm glad you had a nice time and relaxed. You need this break to recharge your battery.
I'm sure your little one was happy when you returned home. It's never easy when mom is away and not readily available, but at least you were able to stay in contact w/her.
Congratulations on your class grade! You worked very hard to get that grade.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks job! I think I need a second job to be able to this every 6 months. I really actually want to bring D8 there, actually. My friend and I discussed going just us and our daughters who are close friends. That stupid tooth that went bad a few months back left me with a $1000 bill...... so, we will see.
So, before I went away, I saw this message on my dating app.... I barely check it, but I was drawn to it. What an normal message, very good looking guy, 2 adorable kids, just the right age, and he lives in the neighboring town. I had to answer his message. So I did yesterday. Holy crap. We messaged back and forth for quite some time, and I had the goofy smile on my face. he is been widowed for 2 years. This is a new one for me.
between him being the only one, although he says he grandparent help and sitters, and both of our busy kid schedules, we are aiming for next Wednesday.
Call me, nuts, but instead of being afraid of jinxing this, I'm going to use the law of attraction. My gut is al over this one, I and I am going to let myself envision something wonderful.
I got the feeling. The feeling I thought I may not be able to get again.
Ginger,
Here's a suggestion on saving some $$ for trips that I use. I have a Vacation Jar and every time I have loose change, I drop the change into the jar. It slowly adds up and when the jar is full, I take it to the local bank or credit union and have the machine separate and calculate the amount that I have. Then I put that amount into my Vacation Account and leave it there and slowly, but surely I have enough to take a trip and not have to worry about finding the money to do so.
I'm glad you are going to meet up w/this gentleman. Sounds like he's just starting to get back on the dating track as well. Who knows? This could be a very good match for you...just go and have some fun. Keep your expectations at zero and try not to go into any heavy discussions about your xh. Stick to the here and now and you just might find that the two of you have interests in common. I know you won't do this...but don't try to compare him to the other men you've dated and hopefully he won't be comparing you either. It's an open book and one that you can write your own outcome for.
Good luck and I look forward to hearing how the meet up went.
Ginger, glad that you enjoyed your vacay. And this guy sounds promising.
Have fun!
Hey G!
So nice to hear about your vacation! You really needed that. I'm a firm believer that a vacation can refresh and renew and change your perspective. Jamaica is spectacular and I can see why you'd want to bring little G there.
I agree with Job and I used to always save my change for vacations - it does really add up. In Canada when I used my debit card (rather than credit card) I use "round it up". If I spend $6.50 on something , $3.50 is automatically deposited into my vacation account (one not easily accessed). I barely notice this but it does add up and then I have an automatic transfer for a comfortable amount taken from my chequing account once a week to the vacation account. Slow and steady.
When I first signed up for online dating I saw a widower on there with a daughter about my daughter's age. I thought how nice it would be to date someone who was not divorced. Someone I would avoid talking to about divorce. But alas - he was not interested in me so that failed. A few months later I met Josh - he was never married so I guess the same logic prevailed. I never saw myself with a man who had never been married or had kids yet that has worked out very well for me. Sometimes we don't really know what is right for us. This guy certainly sounds like he could be a good match for you. I strongly suggest not meeting each other's kids for a while though. Little G really has a hard time with attachment (who wouldn't) so waiting until you are sure might be best.
And it's always best to meet early on. You will know if there are sparks.i hope so!
Barb
Job, that's a great idea with the money! Except I almost never use cash, so I barely get change anymore:( Although I think I can devise a plan to get a few bucks in there a week.
I look forward to the date, hopefully we could make it work. I never get into the details of exH early on. I answer what is asked, and usually someone wants a little bit of a background, and what is important to me is that a date knows I did not cheat on my ex or leave him. With the time, the rest of the details come as they want to know. I never find myself comparing to ex's either, but I definitely keep my eyes wide open to red flags. I have zero expectations, but trying to remain positive.
Barb, the widow thing is uncharted territory for me and I had a little freak out over it yesterday. I googled him to do my proper research, and his W's obit came up. I had a mini panic attack about coming in after the beloved mother, wife, and daughter in law. My friend calmed me down about it, so I will shake it from my head. But I found him quite easily as he told me his high up position at a local catholic high school. He's legit.
Can I be brutally honest here? I do not plan on introducing D8 until I am honestly confident it is going anywhere with any guy. He would feel the same about his young kids too, I'm sure. Of course, he is truly a single parent and making time to date is super difficult for him. It's not so easy for me either. Dating is bad enough. Dating after divorce is bad enough. Dating at my age with young kids is like a strategical, complicated mission. I want long term, I want a partner in life. But sometimes I wonder if that hope is better left for when D8 is around 16/17 and in the meantime I go out, maybe find myself a special "friend" with no commitment. I am not kidding. I kind of had it and I blew it with feelings and stuff(not talking about ex NG) If I knew how to keep feelings on a certain level, and not let it get past there, this would honestly be the most ideal situation for me.
You are right, Barb, I really have no clue what is right is right for me. I'm just putting it out into the universe and what is right will find me.
Ginger, happy to read your update. Glad you enjoyed the vacay, and good for you for getting back into dating. You made me laugh with the "dating is like a strategical, complicated mission". I feel that way and my kids are much older. But it's a lot harder than when we were 20-something, isn't it?
Hey G,
You're on the right track for sure. And checking him out is really important. You need to protect yourself and little G. And he sounds like a great catch! There are healthy ways to handle dating after the loss of a spouse. Think how he must feel. Scared no doubt. Protective of his kids too.
But it's adult time you need. Just go and have fun and see if you are compatible. Don't think beyond that date other than if you'd like to see him again. Live in the moment.
Wishing you the best!
Barb
Sunny, I married my first real boyfriend who I started dating when I was 18 or 19! I began dating in my late 20's, divorced, with a baby. It was honestly so difficult and draining I chose not to date for quite sometime. I was just trying to survive some of the time, other times, I think I enjoyed being single, and just having my baby to worry about. But a woman has needs! And that includes emotional needs. I guess as life calmed down a bit, I realized how much I missed having someone to come home to. I am not liking my empty bed as I once did. But starting from scratch over and over is tiring.
I turn 36 on Friday. Each year that another birthday comes and I am still single stings a bit. Giving the definite "no" when asked if I plan on having anymore kids makes me sad a little, but I do not plan to have anymore.Ex NG's daughter gave me the capcity to know I can love someone elses child very much. I realize at this age I am craving that security and comfort I have never known from a man. I let myself envision stability and a home and a family with exNG (even if he was all over the place and it wasn't real). I am now pretty hungry for it. But I have to give it up to the universe.
That's the opposite of living in the moment, isn't it Barb? LOL! I do think about the future often. But even if we have the stability, nothing is guaranteed, and I do know that.
Sorry, I am getting more thoughtful as my birthday approaches.Happens every year. But also very grateful. 2 years ago I was just laid off from a job a this time. I am now gainfully employed.
Oh, here I will end with this. my BFF and I brought our daugters to dinner with another friend tonight. we were in the car and I said something and D8 said " Mommy likes a boy!" I said " I like lots of boys!" She then says "well, why don't you ever get any, then?"
Gotta love that kid!
I had just turned 49 when I met K. Don't let age get in the way it means very little. It will happen when it happens. And it will happen when you least expect it to happen. He will be right there right place and right time. I like that you know what you want and that it is not a need. Keep doing what you are doing and have fun.
Ginger, I knew you were younger than me, but I didn't realize just how young you were when you were D. I met mr p when I was 22, but we were together 28 years. That's why I said dating now is really different than dating in my 20s - I have 30 years and three kids in between dates, LOL. But no matter what age, there are challenges, and I'm hoping it will be worth it for both of us. Happy Birthday a day early, I hope your day tomorrow is wonderful in many ways.
It's Friday where I am now, so Happy Birthday, Ginger!
If it's of any comfort to you, I am older and dating as a D woman with a kid, at my age in my country, is as easy as I don't know, scaling some mountains in high heels?
But hey I have read of someone doing just that. So, who knows?
Have a great day! You deserve it!
Happy Birthday, Ginger! Hope it's filled with good things.
Ginger
Just remember this the guys that were cute when you were 19 are still cute and some of them single.
If you want to date then you will need a populated pool of potential mates, that means a car mechanics class not sewing. It means dancing the jive not dancing ballet. Going to football not netball.
There are guys out there keen to meet a woman like Ginger and don't know how to. They are going to iron man not yoga. So as a savvy confident woman reach out.
If you want a drunk go to a bar, if you want a gambling man go to a casino, if you want a man with the ginger spirit go where there are likely to be healthy men with caringredients attitudes. Single parents groups, church and volunteering. There you will meet others who will invite you to events, social circles will widen.
Remember you only need one guy you like who likes you.
V
Thank you guys for the birthday wishes!
Honestly, it was the suckiest birthday I have had in a long time, I'm not going to lie. The loneliness crushed me and tears were pouring out of my eyes a lot. I took the day off, went to the gym and had lunch with my friend (which was nice). Had dinner with my cousin and her family and D8, of course. D8 was sad she didn't have any gifts for me, my dad usually takes her but he is away, and that was another sucky part, I missed my dad and stepmother. Ex never took the time in the whole time he had her to pick out a card or a gift. However, the next day I dropped her off, it was kind of awkward. He went out and got a card and signed it from her. And a giftcard. D8 watched me open it and it was her first time seeing it with me. Weird, but appreciated.
Some know, and some don't, but exNG is the friend of a Db'er. He is pretty sure exNG is going through a MLC. He said it's hard to watch. It's sad for me to. I thought maybe he would wish me a happy birthday. Didn't happen. Shouldn't have had an expectation, but I think it solidified how self absorbed he is. More details, but none of them matter.
Another male from my past resurfaced after almost a year to wish me a happy bday. We caught up a bit and I was happy to hear he was seeing someone. he is really a great guy, probably the only one who has ever been honest with me, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. But.........
I'm done. I think I am just done. Almost every single R of mine has ended pretty much the same. I'm good enough up until a point, they claim they aren't in a place for an R, then 5 minutes later they are in one. Literally, 5 minutes later, or weeks before and I didn't even know it. I am the in-between girl. My marriage was even a stepping stone to the real deal for ex. ANd when we dated, he did the same thing. Wouldn't commit, yet slept at my house every night and spent all his time with me, claimed he didn't want a GF, and found a different one while we seeing eachother which he considered his GF. I DB'd him back then and didn't even know it. It's one thing if I chose unavailable men, and they actually don't want an R and work on themselves or whatever, but that's not the case.
I am the common demoninator in all of this. I have done work upon work, and I just can't figure out what I am doing wrong. I have no clue. I think I am finally pretty decent and worth the real deal. But for some reason, everyone of my R's end the same.
Onine guy seems to have ghosted me, too and he really seemed decent.
So, I am done. I honestly cannot have the same thing happen to me again. It will break me. ExNG came very close to breaking me, if I am honest.
But V- if I wanted to keep pursuing and trying, you are completely right. I had actually looked into some clubs/meetups/volunteer activites, hopeing ot do something fun with the chance of meeting someone. But with kid schedules, work and school, whenever I found something I just couldn't for some reason. Maybe whe D is older, and I am strong enough to try again, that's the route I'll go.
But for now, I am just going to have to get back to getting used to have the romantic partnership are of my life being a lonely one. I was used to it before, I'll be used to it again.
Happy birthday G. Sorry that you have to go through more crap.
I agree with what you've written here. You are a common denominator, it's good to be accountable. At the same time it could just be some bad apples. It's hard to know if you're not screening the apples right, if you're attracting the wrong apples or looking in the wrong place, or if you've just been a little unlucky which is possible with a relatively small sample size. (Or the Z theory which is that 95% of apples are bad...jk...but not really...?
)
But the most important thing is to not allow yourself to get hurt if you can't handle it. Don't be money you can't afford to lose.
You've got a lot to be appreciative for and once the cloud over you stops raining you'll have some peace and contentment again. And there is no doubt you'll make a full recovery and be better prepared both for hopeful success and possible set backs in the future. Hang in and don't forget to make a birthday wish!
Ginger,
I am so sorry to hear about xNG.
And I agree with what Zues said. Maybe you're the common denominatator, or maybe there is a common denominator in the men?
Lovely Ginger, maybe you can take time out for a while, and let your feelings settle.
(((Ginger)))
Lovely Ginger,
I feel your pain!!
You likely know very little about me , but I will give you the short story rather than the navel gazing, therapy, self help book ladened version.
I am 44. Didn't start dating till I was 29, lost my virginity to a guy I thought may have turn out to be the one, why because he liked me and wanted to sleep with me. lol oh how sad I was.
I dated through my early 30's, meeting men, who only ever wanted an "in between" the rugby, or TV or work or the sheets (if you know what I mean). I believed everyone of them was going to the one. They never were.
Then when I was 35 I met THE ONE- known on the board as Mr M. He was everything I thought he would be - and everything I didn't need in a man (my therapist argues that he was the Mr Right, I needed to start a personal journey in self worth - which in some regards I don't necessarily disagree with). So the relationship we did, well as close to a relationship Mr M could do with a girl like me. Turns Mr Unavailable or Mr Non-committment should have been a more appropriate name for him. So after two years on and off and then me going overseas and coming back and is trying "again". It did finally died a death in August 2012 with him moving out of town for work. Apparently my need to know if he would be seeing other people in his new town, was me being too needy while he was trying to settle and "make friends". We remain in touch from a distance, he refuses to tell his new partner that he talks to me. I find that extremely uncomfortable and dishonest on his behalf.
I attempted to date after Mr M, but heart was not in it and all my insecurities about why I was also an "in between girl" were branded over my forehead. I don't know what happened but I think I got a life and immersed myself in myself and then rather surprisingly Mr Ex turned up , with great smile and gorgeous hazel eyes and ability to communicate about anything (or so I thought). Turns Mr Ex is one of those people, where nothing gets them down and you get over everything in two minutes, because you know - when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Well turns out I like to suck on the sour juice of the lemons for a while, just to know how sour they are, so when I make my lemonade I know how much sugar to add. Lets just that my more sensitive, emotional world view did little more than frustrate his inability to access any negative emotion whatsoever. Also it turns when someone tells you that they don't need a marriage certificate to be committed and have your back, you might now want to believe them.
So what am I telling you, I have serial dated since I was 29 years old, had two relationships where I felt I had met the man of my dreams, I have never been engaged never been married (two things I would love to be) and I will never have children ( something I would also love). I took myself out of dating when my three year relationship with Mr Ex ended. I was so devastated about the fact that a three year relationship with me, ended in him meeting the love of his life only three months later.
I gave myself a year to figure my stuff out, well to actually haul my glorious fat arse out of a major mental health breakdown. But here I am, sure I joke about being Bridget Jones archetype spinster with dried up ovaries, either being eaten by alsatians or being a crazy cat lady (I'm allergic to cats and don't like them very much so likely they would have been imaginary),but I very much want to be with a kind and loving man, who wants to love me and spend his time with me. I'm not looking for all the bells and whistle's I wanted in the past, just a good committed man, who likes me enough to think, yeah I love the time I spend with her I feel good when I'm with her.
I've come to accept that I could spend the rest of my life on my own. Any man would be a bonus. I know you think like that too, because I read your posts Ginger. This is just the time to lick your wounds and have a bucket load of chocolate, regroup and see where your at.
Dating and being open to meeting a "someone" is exhausting it feels like I have done for a 1000 years and crapped out every time. But as you said to Zues there are no guarantee's. When you have you self worth and esteem back intact, you'll find you optimism about life and love again. It's strange, it's like gravity.
I always remind myself when I feel particularly low about myself and abilities as a partner, that I almost killed myself over the feelings of being rejected by Mr Ex, I can't imagine why I would ever let a man every again determine if my life is worth living.
When you're ready Ginger, for now just be YOU!! (Well always be you!)
JellyBxxx
Ahhhhh G, I feel your pain. This dating thing suucks! I've had a number of similar online experiences...you chat, they seem really interested, saying all the right things and then bang, they give me their phone number. Wow! Then disappear into cyberspace and you're left wondering "WTF?"It always amazes me the effect that has on you. It certainly grinds you down and when you combine it with other things you're still dealing with you want to just toss it all in and say forget it! I'm at a place where being alone is pretty good. I have my church (amazing place), my photography, work and family and friends. I sometimes wonder whether I have time to fit someone in any more...or do I want to make that time, is a better question. Sometimes I really do miss it though. For example, on Saturday night Church Lady and I went to Walmart together (after sunset). We shopped a little and lined up to pay but decided to try the self serve instead...as we worked through the check out process together she exclaimed "this is fun!"...and we were having fun. As I was walking to the car I had this nice warm feeling...this stupid 15 minute excursion at Walmart felt so nice...to be shopping with a lady again! How weird that it's often those little tiny things which pop up and that make you miss being with someone again. So my advice is to sit back for a bit and, yes do look at your patterns but if a relationship is what you need you will know it. If not, as others have said, it's cool to be alone and it's not like purgatory or something...it's just a different kind of adventure! Feel better, you're an amazing lady with so much to give someone...and deserve someone who recognizes that!
I think I am finally pretty decent and worth the real deal.
ABSOLUTELY!!
Online guy seems to have ghosted me, too and he really seemed decent.
You did say he was busy but of course what do I know.
I would NOT pursue him and see if he resurfaces.
DB101 - Patience.
Good things will come to you, I am confidant.
Hi Ginger. I haven't posted before but I had to post after reading yours and Jellybs reply
It doesn't matter if your overweight or underweight , tall short , plain , drop dead gorgeous or anything else. You are you. Quite possibly you are chosing the wrong guys or possibly you haven't come across Mr Right yet but there are plenty of Mr Rights out there.
IMHO if your in the mindset that you aren't going to find that special someone , it's a lot less likely to happen and maybe that vibe is attracting the wrong type of guys
we are all worth that someone special , all of us
Take care. Rd
Thank you all so much for the replies! I was reading them over on my phone last night when my power went out for 7 hours...... and as I slowly respond (I'm at work) I see many of you contributing and I appreciate it so much. so much good insight.
Zues, one huge thing I have learned over this journey is to be accountable and do the work. The problem some friends and my IC have noticed is that I am overly accountable sometimes. I take on other peoples shortcomings and make them my issues. I have been working with my IC for the past year to stay accountable after making somewhat of a demeaning relationship decision. And I must say, some people, like exNG like to admit to what's wrong, call themselves accountable, but I think when you do nothing about it, you aren't accountable. So I work my butt off to always work on me.
That being said, I have really been mulling over the common denominator thing. There are more common denominators than me. All men had recently gone through a D or a breakup of a long term R. There are many others, no need to go over them.
However,
I give 110% in my R's. I do not expect a 110% back. But I cannot accept as little as 20%. And sadly enough, that's about all anyone has ever given me. I love hard, and maybe some guys can't handle that. Not overbearing hard, I'm not jealous, I have my own life, and support myself, but I will give you all my love and effort. I do not play hard to get. But I don't think it's a part of me I want to change. This is definitely something every R has had in common. And admittedly, one was a big mistake, one I was in a very lonely place and I bought some words and ignored the straight up mistreatment from one guy. But I write that off as a learning experience.
JellyB- thanks for sharing your experience with me. It is pretty much similar to the experience I have been having since 29 too, except that I was just divorced. Only one I thought might have been the one which was exNG, but in my heart, I knew with the place he was in and the lack of any real effort, that ruled him out. Being in different places emotionally, or showing emotions in different ways, as you mentioned, really does make or break an R sometimes. I don't think it makes one person right or wrong, but perhaps there are fundamental differences that really lead to a place an R breaksdown. Which is not reflective of your self worth. but self-worth is so important. I finally built it, but this time around, I can't help to have it hurt and feel like there is something wrong with me, but you were all helped me to look from outside of myself. I am worthy. I am more than the in between girl to the right person. But I really, really need me to put myself back in the place where I won't accept being the in between girl again and I won't ignore red flags. I also need to be in a place that god fobid this does happen again, it won't destroy me. I can't say I am there right now. If someone falls into my lap, I wouldn't ignore it. But I just can't look for it. I am getting frustrated and disappointed.
Perhaps the love I give is hard to receive. And I just haven't found anyone strong enough to receive it yet. I pretty much know that was the case for exNG.
Well, I hope there is some guy out there strong enough to receive it and give something in return.
Wii,
I sure do miss me and exNG's trips to Whole foods to pick out a dinner for us to make together always with a stop in the chocolate aisle. We would cook dinner together, enjoy some wine and talk in front of the fire. It's the little things, and actually quite simple, but I was on cloud 9.
Cadet,
Thank you:). online guy is busy, but there is a place of common courtesy, especially when we were supposed to be seeing eachother Wednesday. That's my free night, and he left it hanging in the air. I did message him yesterday "haven't heard from you in a few days, hope all is well". no response. So, I have cleared my schedule for Wednesday night. I can be a doormat, so I am trying ot balance patientce between being overly accommodating. I was way overly accommodating with exNG and it got me feeling used and unworthy of his efforts.
To touch on the things I am thankful for, I have great friends as always. I was supposed to be going away with 3 friends to FL in July, but I can't afford it. I backed out. They did an intervention on me Saturday night at a party saying they would all chip in and I could pay them back slowly, but they need me there. It wouldn't be the same without me, they love me and won't accept no for an answer. It meant a lot they care that much.
There is a roof over my head, a job to pay the bills, most of my health. I can wake up every morning and know I have my integrity. Of course my daughter who is the only good thing to come out of my marriage.
I never forget these things. I worked hard for most of them. My life from day 1 has not been a walk in the park, and I am where I am today by some really hard work and some major stumbles along the way
Hey G, in regards to your latest contact, I've learned that people online show you who they are real fast and the trick is to believe them and move on. Someone shows me a lack of courtesy or disrespect now I broom them. I used to give them the benefit of the doubt and each time regretted it. When my gut speaks now I listen. So if you're feeling disrespected then move on.
Ginger,
If the guy hasn't responded to your text, then make some fun plans for yourself. Don't sit there waiting on him to respond and if he responds at the 11th hour, say "sorry, I didn't hear from you and I've already made other plans". Don't change your plans for him. Don't be so overly accommodating to people because they will tend to take advantage of you and yes, you will begin to feel used and resentful. Just remember...your time is just as valuable as the next person's.
Stay positive...Mr. Right will come along when you aren't looking. Don't settle for less...aim high because you are worthy of a higher quality relationship and Ginger, you don't need to pretzel yourself for anyone. You're the prize and when guys start to see that you value yourself and your time, they'll begin to respect you and your time and that's when Mr. Right will come along.
Again, don't settle for less and do not sell yourself short. You have a lot to offer!
Thanks Job,
You really nailed something I would like to work on. I am always overaccomdating and I pretzel myself. I think I am being nice and helpful, but perhaps I am making myself look kind of desperate and pathetic by doing that. I knew if I told exNG I needed him to come to me sometimes from the beginning, it would have only ended way sooner. I only told him when I was ready to accept the consequences. I thought by then he loved me enough to want to do that. I was wrong. I always used to drive to another guy I dated. I think he saw me twice. And it was usually with a last minute invite.
Sheesh, guys must not respect and value my time because apparently I don't. See, there really is something else to work on. I can do this without being a B*tch. And I can do this without being a doormat.
I am certainly not looking right now. If it happens, it happens. Otherwise, it's going to be business as usual for me. Work, school, activities, friends.
Actually there has never been one guy who came to me. Only exH when we first started talking and I wasn't interested. And he was usually drunk off his butt.
I've always been the pursuer and accomodater. I'm so done with that.
Hey, give yourself credit, you told ex NG what you needed and expected...he couldn't give it so you walked. Whether you were perfect or not in your approach, who cares. You did good! It hurts but it hurts more to carry on in a relationship where your needs are unmet. That was a big step and I'm proud of you! Chin up...you will rise again
...and that's from one doormat to another lol.
Wii,
thanks for pointing that out again. I did take a stand, an I did really do it in a nice way actually. gave him time to think, gave a very reasonable need and instead he chose to look elsewhere in the time I gave him to think. I have to remember I was feeling just unworthy when my needs were going unmet.
Otherwise, I am a bit of a doormat, just like you, haha!
I got angry last night that I was so freakin nice and reminscant when we had our phone convo. I told him he had hurt me, called out on his lies, told him I was angry...... but I still let myself hear his "words" and melted a little by engaging in talking about the good stuff.
I had the urge to text him to tell him he was douchebag for lying, for being such a taker and not giving, for not wishing me a happy birthday, for not even letting me know if his D got the card and gift and if it made her feel a little better.
Then I remembered the promise I made to myself to leave it alone after that last phone call. I just don't want him thinking I'm pining over him. I know I am a part of his everyday thoughts and convos still and it pisses me off.
But I am following through on my promises with myself.
Good restraint! It's pointless and honestly, won't make you feel any better. I like to remember that we're all broken people, in one way or another, and most people don't want to maliciously hurt anyone else...they just do and often don't know why either. In my last R I had to recognize that she just couldn't change the things I needed her to change...and I couldn't keep going the way things were. I found it hard not to jump whenever she needed something and exhausted myself. Is it loving to exhaust yourself so that you can't be who you really want to be? Nope. Is it loving to be a doormat? Nope. There's a place for pleasing and we all need to do it but it can also be destructive to a relationship. We give the other party the idea that we like doing for them and compromising when inside it takes it's toll...not good, not honest. Anyway,enough of my babbling, hang in there...I'm thinking of switching for doormat to car mat just to change things up a bit. You did good!
Last thought...part of my doormat thing is that if I'm doing lots of things for you then I'm in control...'cuz you need me! If I don't do them then you might not need me anymore and therefore not love me. I also guilt myself "oh, it's not that big a deal, what kind kind of bf would let his gf take the bus while he sits on his arse at home doing nothing" etc. I also like caring for those I love...but let it get beyond reasonable sometimes. That line can get very blurred for me. Self care is hard ...may just be better to hang with my turtle lol. I don't know if any of that hits home with you but I'm just throwin' it out there.
It does hit home with me. For the most part, I do what I do because I want to. It's who I am. At first it was brainless for me to drive there all the time. He works a lot, so I thought I was helping out and I there was benefit to me, I got to see him. Then I realized, ummmm, I work , go to school, have kid almost all the time..... I'm pretty darned busy too. I still don't mind giving so much if a little is received and appreciated. Not abused.
But in the next breath I do too much out of fear of losing someone. That's way unhealthy.
But you and I, I think are genuinely kind hearted with good intentions. And perhaps some insecurities.
We will get there. I sometimes envy people who haven't been through all the crap and view R's as a fairly simple thing. Too much is tied to them for me now.
I seem to have lost my innocence, lol.
Very well put
Last night, as I lay awake in bed, I realized a few things.
My life has been centered around wanting/finding a romantic relationship/partnership. It has been the center of all my thoughts including the heartbreak from exNG. And having those being the center of my thoughts leaves me crying most of the time.
I have been having such difficulty shifting my focus elsewhere, but it's the only thing for me to do now. My life had been such a struggle to get it to where it is today. This has been the last missing, maybe one of the most desired pieces that I just can't right. So, I'm letting that part go for now.
I've also decided I am going to quit working on myself for a while. Stop trying to work so hard to improve myself. That might sound dumb, but maybe I just need to sit here and be me for a while and really take some true appreciation in who I am without always trying to "fix" things. So I am just simply going to be.
My "me" time is generally limited to the time after D8 goes to bed, which are my dark and lonely hours and I am trapped in the house. But I have been wanting for a very long time to do some volunteer work. I am going to try to my best to make some time for it. I have also wanted to go hiking, which I cannot do alone, so I wanted to make some time to join a hiking club of some sort (so I don't die and get lost and eaten by a bear. Just enjoy some new activities.
In a few weeks exNG will be going away with his daughter and friends. I know he asked at the last min for his GF and her daughter to come and they aren't keen on it because there is no room. But I am already preparing myself to see pics on FB. I am not friends with him anymore (he refuses to post anything anyways, and gets mad when someone else does) but I am friends on FB with all the friends he is going with. I am having some paranoia of what I might I see. I know one pic of them will break my heart into bits. I know me all too well! So, I am kind of preparing for that. I hope to get to a good enough place it won't affect me too hard.
So that's it. I think I'll step back from posting about myself for a while. I am at a place where I want to post to others, but I have become self-absorbed with this stupid getting over a 6 month R and my quest for love and partnership. I need to just chill for a while, be me, take a hiatus on this self-improvement, inner work for a while, and just live.
I am just going to say that DOING NOTHING is an action,
and sometimes it really means you are doing something.
Us fixers always want to do something when really we should be doing nothing.
(((((HUGS))))))
"DOING NOTHING is an action"...that's what I keep trying to tell my boss lol
G - it's ok to not work on yourself. To accept yourself the way you are. To appreciate all the good about you and to just love yourself.
It reminds me of a time when Ryan was young. It was a couple of years after his debilitating illness and resultant brain damage. I had done everything humanly possible to rehabilitate him. I worked so hard to give him everympssible advantage and slowly I was learning to accept what I couldn't change. My Mom was telling me one day that she had her church praying for him every week in church. To make him better. And I know that's not a bad thing but it just struck me then that I didn't want it. I didn't want her calling me every week and asking me how he was doing and expecting me to say he had woken up "normal". I asked her just to love him. Just to accept him. Just as I had gradually come to accept. Never what I had fought for but just as he was. Perfectly imperfect. And so it is. I know my Mom loved him no matter what but I just had to say "enough". We just love.
I think you are saying "Enough" too. Enough tears and worry and stress and striving. Just Love yourself. You are great the way you are (I know from first hand experience). Just let life happen and do your own thing.
Barb
I think it comes in waves, sometimes you feel motivated to make changes and at other times you need to pull back and just be. Just be for now...we can be BADASSES together some other time lol.
Cadet, fixing can be so exhausting, can't it. The best action right now is doing nothing! Probably the hardest one for a fixer.
barb, thanks for sharing that part of your journey. I am enough, right here, right now, perfectly imperfect. You never get to appreciate yourself, or someone else, if you are always trying to make it "better"
I was raised to be a hard-worker, and everything you get is something you worked for. I want a loving partnership, so I figure I have to do whatever work I can to get it. I tend to think I didn't work hard enough, because I can't seem to get it. The mantra that you can achieve anything you want if you work for it can be so deceiving sometimes. I tend to think it's a lack of work on my part if I can't achieve something I am trying so hard for and want so much that seems to come so easy to other people. It's not the case. Sometimes we work so hard, but the outcome just isn't what we hope.
Wii, it definitely comes in waves. It's low tide right now for me, but I still think I am a badass. As are you.
I spoke to a friend yesterday and it really is time to have a funeral for me and exNG's R. Time to put it to rest. I couldn't have tried any harder, done anything different, loved any more. Our R did not die because of me. I do know that. No amount of work can fix the broken in other people. I figured if I was lovable enough, it could fix his brokenness. I know better than that. And you know what? his loss. And I think he knows that.
I may speak too soon, but I have not cried inn 24 hours. My thoughts are less about exng. Hopefully soon they will be gone except for a good memory or 2 that brings a smile and not sadness.
That's the frightening thing about relationships "No amount of work an fix the broken in other people"...absolutely! Often it's when you're into it for awhile that you begin to realize there is that broken part. Then you have to go through the crap of disengaging 'cuz it's not gonna change. That's what makes me leery about connecting again...it hurt too much the last time! But, never say never...badasses never stay down for long
That's why I am taking a break, because I don't think I can connect and disengage again with the same heartbreak at this point in time. I think I will feel differently soon enough, but my heart is still healing. There has been another part of me which I discussed with BFF and IC. I seriously thought that this time, I would not be able to get over exNG unless I found someone else that made me forget about him. No one thought it was crazy, and they thought it was kind of true. however, for the first time, I think I could get over him without having someone who made me forget about him. So I am going to just wait until my heart and mind isn't so darned scared of breaking a deep connection again. I think your time will come for that too.
On a good note. Ex kindly helped me fix my grill. I couldn't get off the regulator hose and he brought over his tools and did it for me. He's been kind lately. I've just enjoyed it. Once in a blue moon a bit of human peeks out and I just appreciate it.
I remember SDA Lady told me (when we got together again for the third time) that she decided to date again shortly afterward our breakup 'cuz her friends thought it would help her get over me...but she said that all she was doing was looking for another Whatis. She said she would compare them to me and they always fell short, she said "I realized that there is only one Whatis"...she stopped because she didn't feel she was being fair to the men she was meeting and it wasn't helping her. So, I agree with you. Jumping on the next horse to forget the last isn't a really good strategy. I immersed myself in photography...and now I'm dating a camera lol.
Who wants to laugh?
I was feeling much better and stronger today. I went to work, took D8 to swim, worked out and then took her to the local carnival for 3 hours where she met up with her friends and had a ball. We come home after 10, exhausted, to find a notice in the door that they shut off my electricityz. A past due balance. Of $145 which must have been an online payment that didn't go through. No phone call or anything. I call the number but it's after hours and I can't get it reconnected. She is freaking out, and I am pissed as hell. I went grocery shopping yesterday , and even funnier that was a fiasco because the credit card machines went down and it was a Sh!t show. So now I have no power, I'm going to lose everything in my fridge and freezer. Thankfully my friend came and picked up gabby and brought her to her house to sleep and bring her to school.
All this over $145. One bill. No phone call.
Some days I think I'm just going to lose my mind. It's a combo of stupid crap like this that accumulates and makes me just throw my hands in the air and say WTF? These things always feel like they happen because I might have done something wrong, like it's karma.
Can't let it derail the peace that was setting in. I even felt happy tonight before I walked in the door. I haven't been happy,
Can't wait to clean my fridge out of rotting expensive food tomorrow.
I've been thinking I'm going to move to one of those mini houses up in remote Maine and live the simple life.
Come to Canada. Most of the year you wouldn't even need a frig. Silliness...
Sorry for this happening to you. That [censored]. I had a prob,me with the electric company over a bill I paid twice. $655 twice!!! It seriously took 3 months to get it back. Corporate drives me crazy.
Hope Tommorrow is a better day.
Barb
Considering our country I doomed with it's choices of leaders, Canada sounds like a great idea! [censored] off for OVERpayment? That's a new one. Companies around here will take your money and run with it.
I'm just worn out. When things look up a little, something else happens. I am so exhausted today, I barely slept. What I have to contend with when I get home today is giving me anxiety. not to mention I am supposed to be chaperoning a dance for 3 after work. I think I'm going to graciously back out.
I survived the great townhome flood of 2008 where I came home to find it flooded from 3rd story down, exH refused to take our daughter who 9 months old then because "it is not his fault I am a F*cking idiot and he has plans to go down the shore". I lived in a hotel room with a baby and 2 dogs, then a temp apartment. I also survived hurricaine Irene when D was 3 and we had to leave our home for 2 weeks. ex was away. Then Sandy with no electricity for 10 days. thankfully ex was able to take her for most of that, but I froze by butt for a week with no gas or power. I survivied all that without a partner. It was lonely and scary, but I did it. My friends were a big help too.
I'm just a little worn out, is all.
Selfies with Justin...think about it lol. Hope you have a better day
Justin (the B that is) just bought a summer home here in Muskoka. We got those Justins
Barb
(((Ginger)))
Ugh about the bills and the rotting food.
And Ginger, I hear you about being enough. When I read your posts, I hear so much strength coming through them. You're younger than me, but trust me, you sound so much wiser.
Like I tell Sunny, I want to grow up to be like you too.
Good news! Food was saved! The fridge and freezer must have stayed cold, thank God. What a relief!
What a good, very filled weekend. I did chaperone the dance and it was actually a lot of fun. The dance was beautiful, the girls were beautiful although dressed for a prom rather than an 8th grade dance..... just a glimpse of what I have to look forward too...... My D was at my friends house sleeping over so we went out to the local bar and immediately some guy started talking to us. He was funny and cute as heck, up from south Carolina for a party. We actually hung out with him all night. He is married with a baby, showing us pics, all innocent and fun. The rest of the weekend was spent with friends. D8 had a birthday party at her boy crush's house. I threw a BBQ for friends and their kids and it was a blast. I felt happy. That's what drives me. Spending time with the ones I love, hanging out with friends, seeing the kids happy and playing. That fills my heart big time. I really can only imagine a partner who can share I that.
Promised not to bring it up, but it may be a good thing. I think my feelings may fading towards you know who. I do realize I know so much much more about his life and his life with his GF due to the mutual friend sitch. Most people don't know that much about their ex boyfriends. I know his head is shoved so far her a$$. I get feelings towards it, but it's not the missing him sort of feelings. It's the WTF? You can do ALL of that for her, but you couldn't drive out here once in a blue moon?" sort of feelings. I used to think if I saw him again, we would look at eachother and it would be that instant connection again. Now, eh, I don't think I am so attracted after all I know. I may see him again, and I think it will be fine.
JksD,
Thank you. Even though I am "young", I've had to grow up fast, not only because of the divorced with a newborn thing, but life before that was rough. I've ben on my own for so long, it's really the only way I know how to function. And, let me tell you, I was such a mess for a good 2 years from bomb drop. Your strength is above and beyond what mine was at your stage.
We are all strong though, we live to tell the story:)
Ginger, that's a nice update. I'm glad you had a nice BBQ, entertaining on my own is not something I've really done for more than a couple of girlfriends yet. You are inspiring me.
And good for gaining some perspective on you know who. You are sounding like you are on an upswing there.
I am very happy to read that the food was saved and no additional costs were incurred.
I know exactly what you are talking about, i.e., how the kids are dressing for dances and they look like they are going to the prom. The world is encouraging these kids to grow up entirely too fast and they won't have anything to look forward to when they get older.
Both you and your D had a fun packed weekend. It's just what you both needed.
Keep up the good work and enjoy life as it comes around. Everything will fall into place for you and your D.
Ginger,
That's a lovely update. Your GAL activities sound great. I am never much of a hostess; even for kid's bday parties, I ordered takeaways and had my mum to help.
Sigh. I have a lot of growing up to do at my age.
And I am glad that you're getting over you know who - voldemort?
You're a classy lady. You deserve a guy who will put you first.
Entertaining has never been one of my strong points. Well, I am good at entertaining, but when it comes to craftiness and creativity, it is a bust. But I am a decent cook and I love to do it, so as long as my company is well fed and happy, and laughing, I figure it is a success! Some DB'ers might attest who were at my house or a dinner, don't drink too much before making dinner, you forget important ingredients..... (we were at a winery beforehand.
For the second season of Orange is the New Black I had a small viewing party where we all dressed up like characters and had orange and prison food theme. It was lots of fun. This Friday I'll probably have some friends over again for the new season.
This upcoming weekend I will finally see my dad and his wife! It's been over a month and I miss them. It's my Stepmother's 50th birthday (yes, she is 17 years younger than my dad) and we are going out with her brother and his husband to a Mexican place, where we shall eat and drink all night.
This my D's last week of school. I cannot believe in September it will be her last year of elementary school! Where does time go?
Saw my IC yesterday and she got very real with me. She is like a mom, very sensitive and supportive but firm when needed. We agreed I cannot hear anything about exNG's personal life anymore. It sets me back and they are thing no exGF should know. I might actually see him in a few weeks at a party, but I don't know he is going to be there. I can see him, but I cannot hear about his R anymore, whether it is good or bad.
Then we talked about me being the "in-between" girl. We concluded there was one guy who really treated me as so. She reminded me, which I always seem to forget, it is not only that we broke up because I wasn't right for these guys, but they aren't right for ME. I hold on too long hoping they will work, but the truth is, they aren't right for me, but I talk myself into them being so.
And why do I do that? This is where she shot me with truth darts. I think I can't do any better. I think I am not worth anymore. When I used my analogy of "I'll give 110% and I'll settle for 80% in return" she said "why can't it be equal?" Why should you always give more? Then she broke me down with "Maybe the next one should love YOU a little more than you love them"
And that was it. It came down to it. I never had anyone in my life who put me at the top of my list, a big one being my mom, drugs, gambling, sleeping, all came before me. I was like #10 on my ex's list, everyone and everything came before me, and I wasn't even up there for the guys I dated. I was always giving more and caring more than them. The only one who has ever put me first was my dad. Then at 17, when he finally felt he could leave and put himself and his new R first, I felt a little abanonded.
I put everyone and everything first, and these people never cared more than I did. Or equally. exNG would always say he did, but words are words.
So, my IC rattled off a list of why I am deserving, then a list of my self destructive points of view on myself. So, she said I am not ready even right now to be in an R, until I stop thinking I don't deserve it a really good R.
Really eye opening, and really true.
I realized, case and point, when I was in my appt with my IC, and D8 called. I called back and ex picked up and said, jokingly, but in front of her "She's so pathetic, she misses her mommy and wanted to talk to her" I told him, "there are people in my life who miss me when they aren't around me" This is what I lived with it.
I also have some things going on around me that I cannot talk about with anyone but my IC. Not to do with me. But it's stuff that leads me to believe monogamy doesn't exist anymore. it causes me to question everything I believe is true.
So, she also agrees I can cut back on the self work. Appreciating who I am as a deserving woman is really what my work is. Appreciating me in the here and now as I am that doesn't need fixing to make me worth what I really want.
(((Ginger)))
First off, I want to smack your x. I don't like his sense of humour. I don't find it funny at all to say such things in front of your d8.
Ginger, I think you're great the way you are. I think it's a good idea to find someone who cares for you more than you care for him. There's this book that I am reading, Women who care too much. Have you read this?
I realised that I used to one of those who ran away from guys who treated me better than I treated them. My x was the dark, brooding type. I felt sorry for him and had this need to rescue him. And look where I am now.
Geez G, this made me tear up. You are a wonderful wonderful woman - beautiful inside and out, smart, funny, kind, giving, cute. You have a heart of gold. Someone whose opinion I have a lot of respect for told me once that you are just about the perfect woman! And you are - a great mom, friend, nurse, daughter, a great person. I hate your ex (and your mom) for making you feel less-than and unworthy of love. Because it is not true. And I feel sick that he is making D8 feel that way too.
It's good that you are starting to realize this stuff, thank God for your IC. Now it's time to get the words to sink into your brain until you really really believe that you are worthy of love, that you deserve someone who will put you first, cherish you and adore you. And when you really know that, you will not accept anything less.
As for this:
But it's stuff that leads me to believe monogamy doesn't exist anymore.
I say bull sh!t. The nicest people you would never expect to cheat make mistakes, get caught up in the moment, cheat for who knows what reason. But cheating is always their choice. And I know plenty of people who decide the opposite. To avoid the temptation, and to honor their vows and remain faithful to their spouses no matter what.
I agree with everything Cadet said, Ginger. I love and admire you a lot, you're great. You are worthy! Believe it girlfriend!
I agree with Cadet too!
And I know that Rosa Linda misses her mommy too and that is not pathetic.
Whether you are 8 or 63 sometimes you want to talk to her.
At least she can just pick up the phone and do that.
JkSd,
Thank you. And yes, I do the same exact thing you do! Ex was a dark and brooding guy. Long story, but he would come over my house with someone else in high school when I had a "get together" when I knew of him, but didn't know him personally. he would sit in the corner and not talk to anyone, like he was too good for us. I ignored him. I always thought there was a wound so deep I could fix! Didn't get me very far either. I thought I could help heal exNG's wounds too, which are very apparent. I NEED to get that book, I never read it, thanks for the suggestion.
My dear friends, Cadet, and RosaLinda, thank you. My IC is a lifesaver, almost like the mom I never had. I am not the perfect woman, but my imperfections are still lovable and I need to remember that. I have spent too long trying to get others to love me. I shouldn't have to try.
You made me think about the monogamy thing. I do believe in it. I think what has shaken me, is I see infidelity coming from places I would never think to find it. I guess it's more of a matter of who can I trust?
It will always be a crap shoot I guess. But I can't let it scare me away.
Oh, and one thing I am very greatful for is that D8 got to see a man treat me right. yeah, exNG was incapable of true commitment. But he showed nothing but love and respect towards me when we were together and in front of my D. I am so thankful she got to see that. I would horrified if she grew up thinking the way ex treats the women in his life was the norm. I think that exNG treating me, her, and his D lovingly did very good for her. She recognizes her father's behavior as inappropriate.
So much that she says he can be such a "monster"
I find your xh's behavior absolutely appalling, very rude and very, very disrespectful of you and your daughter. The comment he made to you on the phone, no less in front of his daughter, was awful. I could smack the BS out of him. No one should have to put up w/that behavior.
Ginger, you've come a very long way and are still learning that you need to respect yourself first. You've worked very hard to get to where you are today. You've got such a kind heart and are always putting others first...it's time now to put yourself first and show your daughter how much you respect and love yourself. She needs to see that you can be self confident, independent and yes still have someone in your life that treats you w/the utmost respect.
I would be concerned about your daughter's comment about her father being such a "monster". It sounds like he acts out quite a bit and that's not a good thing.
Your IC is a blessing and she'll be there to guide you as you continue to meet w/her. Never ever allow someone else to tear you down. Again, you've come too far to allow this to happen and that even means the xh. Call him on his BS. Don't be afraid to do so. The more you do this, maybe, just maybe he'll finally learn to respect you for who you are...a beautiful and strong woman.
So, w/that being said...it's time for a new thread.
That IS a good thing that D8 witnessed the way a real man treats a woman. Treats anyone, in fact. No one should be treated like your ex treats D8. He sux.
Dating Rule #1 You can't change anyone! I find that people let you know who they are very quickly and the key is believe them and let them go. We, the nice people, tend to want to give second chances or don't want to jump to hasty conclusions. I've learned to pay more attention to my gut in dealing with women so if my gut says move on...I do 'cuz when I haven't I've regretted it. So, my point being, if you start seeing someone and you have the urge to help them change or think you'll wait it out...walk away real fast 'cuz it ain't gonna happen.
I agree with whatisis and I think history is an important thing too. If history is questionable, future may well be the same - unless there truly has been an awakening.
I thought that was a horrid comment from your ex - showing a failure to empathise with understandable feelings in someone else..
I too think you sound very nice and your therapist sounds like a keeper too
Xx
Thank you, thank you, all for the great advice and comments.
Job, My ex is an A-hole. I want to smack the crap out of him most times. There is no talking to him about how his behavior hurts others. I tried in our M, I basically got "I am who I am, I am never going to change" I gave up and shut down in our M when going through IVF and pregnancy, because I couldn't take it anymore, my attention needed to be on me and the baby. And I still tried to get him to love me and treat me right, just not as hard. I seriously feel such guilt for having HIS baby, knowing how he treats people.
I have addressed his behavior around our D and he thinks there is nothing wrong. Our D refuses to address him about the way she feels, I understand, she is scared he will get mad. He speaks to him mom extremely disrespectfully, and I am sure his wife. Him and his sister timeshare his mom now and my D is just so happy when she is there. Yeah, she is schizophrenic (literally) but she is sweet and gentle. she actually said "I have no idea how daddy came out grandma, grandma is so sweet and he can be a monster". It's sad, and I am helpless against it.
Sotto, he completely lacks the empathy chip. It's almost scary. And I feel sad for him he doesn't have those capabilities.
I cannot change anyone. I absolutely cannot. I don't want to change the core of their being, but I know I cannot change their behaviors. In the beginning, the nice things that are being said override my gut. Then my gut becomes much more powerful and I need to honor it much faster.
Ginger,
You can't make anyone change, but you can change the way that you react to them. When they disrespect you, speak up and let them know it's not okay to talk to you that way. I know, it's like beating a horse to death and then thinking the horse will get up and trot away...but you have to take a stand for YOU and for your daughter.
Ginger, you are doing everything humanly possible to support your daughter and she should not be afraid to express her thoughts/feelings to her father. It's such a shame. However, I am very glad she can talk to you and some of her other relatives.
Your xh is a fool and yes, an @sshole too.
I wish that I could do something to make both you and your daughter feel better.
Please start a new thread when you get the chance.