LOL, I didn't mean you are a martyr. Just don't give in to the demands so that you become one.
A couple things for you to mull this weekend:
-He still thinks I am very judgmental of him.
This is projection, and he's probably unconsciously or consciously putting you in situations where you prove him right. I think your assessment is head on. You're not responsible for fixing how he perceives you. The only thing you can do is be fair, be true to yourself and communicate clearly. How he chooses to interpret you is not your problem.
I agree that his empathy chip is broken. He sure expects you to lather it on, but doesn't offer any hint that he considers what you might feel or think about things. Unfortunately, you can't control that. Again, I think the only thing you *can* do is point things out - which you did, and wasn't his response telling?
From where I sit, you stand where you've stood before. He's not the kind of person who is willing or capable of putting someone else's shoes on to try them on for size, and he's not going to give you the benefit of the doubt. That leaves you in the very unenviable position of waiting for fallout every time you communicate. That must be a tiring escapade. And it stinks.
I still think you should communicate via e-mail - for your own sanity. I'd read and re-read what I write, remove all emotion, ask for what you want (even if it's only information) or relay what you know he needs to hear from you and just keep on keeping on.
BTW, I've been testing out google calendars myself and so far I've been pretty happy. It sends me reminders of stuff that is scheduled over my iPhone. Maybe try it yourself first and then add him to the family folder?
I'm sorry he's letting your daughter down. That's the worst part of this power play. As an old friend here used to tell people, your job isn't to remove the hurt but to be there to help them through it. Her kids were my kids' age when we went through this, and she told me that if they could learn how to do that, they'd be super functioning adults. And guess what? It turned out to be 100% true. Don't underestimate your abilities to be such a bombdiggity parent in these situations. I'd probably guess you'll get an A in this class.
I'm also glad the validation exercise helped you navigate such an emotionally draining discussion. Sometimes it's the only tactic that works. (I've had a few of these conversations with my mom and had success too.) Great job there, Claire. BTW, I use these techniques at work when I have a client who is clearly unhappy and needing to vent. Most of the time, they just want and need someone to acknowledge their distress and make an attempt to help them through it. If you've ever been in customer service, it's the most valuable tool in the tool box. I think it made me a better parent too.
Hugs, and have a great weekend.