Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Ginger1 This is What's up - 03/11/16 07:34 AM
I hesitated to start a thread and post about this for many reasons, but you guys have been there for me before with some good advice and I know many of you are navigating the same waters as I am.

I last posted about the break up, which actually bounced back and forth for 2 weeks, neither of us wanted to completely let go. Last Thursday, we had a 3 hour conversation which ended in me saying either he has to commit to making this work and incorporate himself into my life a little, or we need to go our separate ways. I gave him the weekend, he didn't really want to deal with it as he is very conflict avoidant. In the end he said he doesn't like ultimatums, he is in a selfish phase and he cannot give me what I need right now. Maybe in a month, maybe in a year, maybe in 5, he just doesn't know. I explained I need to cut off all contact, because I'll never move on. He wanted to still stay connected. I explained it was not to punish him,it was because I would not be able to move on. And I will not be just a place of comfort when he gets lonely. I am worth the full deal.

I have been going through all the emotions. Anger, heartbreak, sadness. I really stink at breakups. The truth is I loved him and I let myself see a future. His words and actions were all over the place. He told me there is not one person he has ever enjoyed spending more time with, I am different, I am special, he liked everything about me, could not concentrate at work because I was all he thought of.

I understand he needs to walk his path. He is going through a bit of an MLC. He might regret being with me without being alone for a while. But I am all sorts of hurt. Part of me honestly wanted to reach out and tell him I would just take what he was willing to give me. That's what he wanted, but I couldn't do it to myself. Another part of me wishes he would show up at my door and tell me he made mistake and he wants to make it work. These are my raw honest feelings and I know it isn't going either way. D8 was super sad and she said she loved him. She cried for his D6. It was very upsetting. But I know unless he was 100% in, I couldn't let them get any closer.

Any ways, I am in the obsessing and crying stage. Hopefully I will exit that stage soon. All I want to do is sleep, and that's not an option for me, luckily. Else it's probably what I would do for a little while. My life is crazy hectic right now and I'm just trying to get in a pattern with everything going on.

While this is happening my cousin who hasn't spoken to me in two months texts me with "so, I'm guessing from FB, you and your man are over?" My cousin and I have had a very volatile sister like R since we were kids. She gets off on my misery and has always been not one to walk in someone elses shoes and has always been jealous in my friendships. She goes off on me over text. She wants to be close to me and get ready......... wants us to go to counseling to get to the root of our issues. For the love of God, as if I don't have enough going on! Couples counseling with my cousin????I am ok with keeping her at a safe distance. Our kids can play, we can get together, but she wants to be very close to me and is jealous of my friendships and wants us to be that way. I can't have anymore energy drainers too close. I have no energy left! D and I are going out to dinner with her and the fam then going back to her house to "talk". I really don't want to talk. It's the same stuff every time. My emotional energy is just completely depleted lately.

So, yeah, I have been stressed, sad and in a poopy place. I'm doing the work to get myself out of it. It's tough with everything going on. The gym is my outlet, but getting there with work, school, and D8 and her school and activities, my weekly dentist appts, it happens maybe once a week, and I suffer when I take the time for myself. But there is a desperate need for self care right now. Emotional and physical. I had a nervous breakdown on the phone with my dad and he offered to come out next week and watch D8 so I can go to yoga or get a massage.

I feel a little better letting that out. I just finally found love after 8 years and it was not the right time for him. Everything was from us to the kids went as one can only imagine, but there is commitment and work that needed to be done and its just not a time in his life for that. This one is going to take a while. but as always, I'll be ok and a tad stronger in the end.

If you made it to the end of this craziness, I thank you,
Posted By: job Re: This is What's up - 03/11/16 07:48 AM
Ginger,
I'm very sorry how things worked out w/the ng, but you are right...you deserve everything and not just a few kibbles here and there. If he can't commit, then it's time to cut the ties and move on. I do understand how you are feeling right now, but there are far more fish in the sea and the right one for you will come along when you least expect it. Don't settle for just a few kibbles, you settle for the whole enchilada. You owe that to yourself.

As for your cousin, be careful. Sounds like she wants to control the situation and you. She sounds like a very insecure lady who wants you and only you as a friend. I can't even begin to see counseling for the two of you. In fact, she should be seeing someone on her own to try to figure out why she's so jealous of you.

I hope things go well at the dinner and if the discussion gets heated, cut the discussion short and leave...don't continue to try to reason w/her because you can't. You already know this drill from dealing w/the xh.

How is that beautiful D of yours? I imagine she's growing by leaps and bounds.

The only two people you need to worry about right now are you and your darling D. As for the cousin...be polite or should I civil and don't engage w/her too much. I know you've got this...but you have enough on your plate and I don't want to see you down and out sick because of too much going on in your life.

Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: Cadet Re: This is What's up - 03/11/16 07:55 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
He is going through a bit of an MLC.

If this is true then you made the right decision and the last thing you need is to be part of it.

If it is not true then he needs to step up to the plate.
And be a man.

Stick to your boundaries.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: This is What's up - 03/11/16 08:27 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Part of me honestly wanted to reach out and tell him I would just take what he was willing to give me. That's what he wanted, but I couldn't do it to myself.
Ginger, I have thought about you since you last posted. Right now I'm doing exactly this, taking what he's giving, which isn't what I ultimately want. He's not the first to fall short, he's the first I've kept anyway. I admire your strength.
Posted By: Underdog Re: This is What's up - 03/11/16 09:35 AM
Hey lil' sis.

I didn't have any trouble following you to the end and finishing your post. wink

I just want to say that your post is emotionally healthy. While I wish I were there to hug you through the sadness, what you want is fair to you, and he told you that he can't/won't give it to you. I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and letting him know your boundaries. It's not an ultimatum. You weren't manipulating him. You asked, he said no, and you drew your line in the sand. Emotionally healthy discussion, and not surprising consequence when you do the right thing.

I know your D8 is hurt. I think the right kind of attention will help soothe her hurt. After all, she knows how hurt you are. You'll get through it with time and effort.

My gym schedule ended when D22 needed a chauffeur. I'm not a good role model for you. But just getting out and walking or roller blading or riding bikes with your D8 might go a long way in making you feel like you're doing something that is good for you.

I love your dad. He's the best. Your cousin sounds like a complete nut job. WTF?

Hugs,

Big Sis
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/12/16 08:37 AM
Job- thank you. It took me a long time in my life to realize I was worth the whole enchilada. I went through the phase of asking myself what is wrong with me, why aren't I worth it to him? I have realized I am worth it to me, and I cannot let his decision define my self worth. D8 is doing good, she is still as sassy as ever, but overall a happy kid, doing well in school and enjoying life. I do have to put us first, and a part of my decision not to accept any less than what I asked for was for us. If things didn't work out with him all in, that would have been ok. If things didn't work out and we all got closer but he wasn't in it, I wouldn't be ok with that.

Cadet- sticking to my boundaries is proving to be difficult, but I am doing it. Mindreading, but from what he says it seems like he wants to be with me, but has this other part tugging at him mind he has to do his own thing for a while. It wouldn't be something I want him to regret not doing down the road.

Sunny- leading up to this, I was doing exactly what you were doing, taking what he was giving but I saw it as a relaxing and seeing how it develops. Things were good, I was really enjoying myself. But the more I enjoyed myself, the more I wanted to bring him into my life as well I was brought into his. I loved being a part of his, and I wanted him to be a part of mine. I wanted effort and I wanted to feel like I was worth it. When that wasn't happening, I became unsettled. I do believe you will know when that will happe for you. It's a feeling you really can't ignore.

Bets- I feel so emotionally unhealthy right now with all the crying, lol. But I know what I did was the the emotionally healthy thing. And perhaps what he did was the emotionally healthy thing for him where he is at in his life. It sure is hard to be a single parent working full time and incorporating some time for the gym. I've done ok, until my school started. My dad IS great. I would like for the day to come in his life where he stops worrying about me so much. He wants my life settled as much as I do.

It's weird being in a place where I know what I want. I missed out on the other things I wanted, like maybe getting married again and having another child. That ship has sailed for me. I'll be 36 in June and no, I do not want to start all over with a newborn at 40. But really what I want is simple. A life with a guy who I connect with well, enjoy spending time with, and just do the mundane things in life with together. I had that for a brief period, and it was honestly magical. Better than anything I could have imagined.

As far as my cousin, our dinenr went fine, it was nice to see the cousins play again. They had a ball. We didn't get to deep, she did ask what happened with NG, I told the story. I am good not rehashing our childhood and our relationship and just spending some time together. I just don't feel the need to get so close and personal. She does because she doesn't have many close friends, just one who lives like 2 hours away.

We shall see how things go. Just taking them day by day now. Beautiful day here. I actually got the house clean this morning and D8's friend is coming over for a playdate. I've got schoolwork to do, and they play nicely and let me work. Thing I'm going to grill some lunch for all of us.

Thank you all for reading and responding. I'm glad I posted, it helped a lot.
Posted By: kml Re: This is What's up - 03/12/16 01:37 PM
Quote:
I wanted effort and I wanted to feel like I was worth it. When that wasn't happening, I became unsettled.


He may be a Love Avoidant - this is what typically happens with them. They fear being "engulfed" in a relationship. They may come on enthusiastically at the very start, but quickly subside to only giving you what they are in the mood to give - which may be much less often than what you want.

A Love Avoidant friend of mine once explained to me why he wouldn't call a girl for a date on Friday night until Friday day - he felt that if he called Monday to make a date for Friday, it was like he had a dentist appointment hanging over his head all week. He was fine with it if he called Friday and she wasn't available - but he didn't want to commit to a date in advance in case he didn't feel like it when the day came.

Love Avoidants do this and other distancing behaviors because they fear being engulfed; it doesn't mean that they don't enjoy your company, but frankly, a Love Avoidant guy is never going to be what you want in a relationship without him getting serious therapy - which most of them do not pursue.

Love addicts sometimes end up with Love Avoidants, because the addict will pursue and accept crumbs. I dated several LOve Avoidants after my divorce, although I definitely don't have love addict tendencies. I think I just was comfortable with unavailable guys for a while after my divorce as I wasn't quite ready for a full relationship yet.

Now I have a guy who is not avoidant at all - he calls me every morning, we make plans in advance to see each other, he participates with my family, he's all in and it's nice. You deserve that too.
Posted By: kml Re: This is What's up - 03/12/16 01:50 PM
BTW, I even gave an article on Love Avoidants to a guy I had stopped dating because of his love avoidant behaviors. He read it and agreed it fit him to a tee, and he wanted to try dating again - but absolutely nothing changed so I stopped seeing him again.
Posted By: RosaLinda Re: This is What's up - 03/12/16 06:20 PM
oh G, you are such a loving woman, and have so much to give. Ellie's explanation that NG might be love avoidant makes a lot of sense, because I know NG loves you, and just could not understand why he refused to allow himself to make that commitment to you.

And Job is right - you deserve the whole enchilada, not just some random crumbs whenever he feels like scattering some in your direction. Be prepared for him to start pursuing you again once he realizes you are serious about breaking up unless he can be all in, remember that old pursuit and distance dance? Stick to your guns, hon. You deserve someone who will cherish you, and I am convinced there's a nice guy out there who will do just that.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/14/16 09:36 AM
Ellie,

That is very interesting because he kind of followed that pattern. I think is love avoidant at this time because he is very afraid of repeating past patterns. But he was very open about his feelings with me said the "ILY's" and pulled back when he almost asked me to move in with him. He got scared of repeating that pattern.

Linda,
Your kind words always warm my heart. I do actually believe he loved me. Terrified of it, though. Maybe terrified of losing himself again. And he hasn't found himself since the last R.
Well, we are broken up since last week. I told him I couldn't have contact if we weren't together. So it's been a painful week.

Talking to my bestie last night, she asked if I actually miss HIM or just the companionship. I realized what is different this time compared to my other half-relationships. I miss HIM. Sure, I miss the companionship, but it is HIS companionship I miss. But I'll just have to get over it. I can't make him want to commit to us. maybe there is someone out there for me, maybe not. I just have to get back to being right with myself. I am very sad, the life kind of got sucked out of me with this one. But I am spending more time with friends and family again. it was nice this weekend. This week I am making corned beef and cabbage and having my friend and her family over. I do have a life, and great people in it, and I do intend on living it. Maybe someone will want to share a little of my life with me:) maybe not.

It's been very therapeutic to talk this out. I feel like I might be a little obsessive with it, but honestly, it's all that's been on my mind this week. From the second I wake up, and even in my dreams, unfortunately. I'm going to really start the process of moving on. I know it was a short R, but I thought this one the one, and I don't take that lightly.
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 03/14/16 03:16 PM
Hey G, breakups are never easy...even when you're the one ending it. It's encouraging to hear you say that his path is not wrong but it's not for you. Good thoughts. You're sticking to what you need and that's damn healthy. Hang in there, with this kind of self respect you're sure to find someone who adores it smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/15/16 05:35 AM
Thank Wii, you hit on something big for me that made me cry. (I've been doing a lot of that lately, my contacts hate me for it.)

I realize I have never exercised self-respect in any of my romantic relationships. Not with ex, (that was the least respectful of them all, I still look back and cringe on how disrespectful I was to myself from the moment we started dating, even before, until after he left). I did not respect myself in any of my other half relationships either. History repeats itself, I give, they take, when I need a little more, they go. But I try to hold on for dear life. I did a little on this one, but there was an option to take only what he was willing to give, and I decided not to, like the other ones.

This time, I respected myself early on and let go of someone I cared for dearly. That is also a part of why I couldn't go on without a level of commitment and effort. I cared very deeply for him and I would only become resentful over time if I let my needs go unmet. No one can respect me unless I respect myself.

Today is 8 years from the bomb. 8 YEARS. The 8 years is only tough because as usual, I'm not quite where I want to be. But I am leaps and bounds from where I was. This day, 8 years ago, changed everything. Changed my adulthood. My parenting. Everything. I also noticed that all my relationships end in march. This would be the 3rd, lol. March isn't my month. But hey, maybe things come to an end and its time for new beginnings. Like the beginning of spring! yeah, that's as corny as I get.

I've got IC tonight and it's the first since it was totally over. I actually can't wait. I'll cry, she will listen and encourage me and help me move on. My IC is a gem, and I always walk out feeling better, maybe even a little empowered.
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 03/15/16 05:14 PM
Cry away...I wish I could do that sometimes! Looking after yourself isn't easy but, in the long run, it's easier than the alternative smile It's hard when you care for someone and have to let them go...I was there. I was with SDA lady for well over a year and realized that where it was going was somewhere I didn't want to go and it wasn't a healthy place for either of us to be. So I ended it and felt horrible 'cuz I knew I hurt her badly...she didn't understand. Recently I saw her on POF and I had a brief thought "what if..." but then I asked myself "do you really think she's changed in any way?" and in all honesty, I had to say no. So, I changed my search settings and problem solved lol. I hope she finds the love she longs for but it's not gonna be me (not saying she'd even want me again!). My marriage ended 8 years ago too...I just realized that recently. It's OK to be alone, much of the time I quite like it. Sometimes I think it would be just too much energy to start over again. But, that's today...tomorrow who knows smile Hang in there G, you've put your strong foot forward and that's never a mistake.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/16/16 08:42 AM
I remember you going through that WII. You also made the right choice for yourself, and you knew inside when it was time to let go. You missed her and grieved for her which is also healthy.

Saw IC last night and she also believes what I did was a very emotionally healthy thing. She said even the time when I remained cautiously and hopefully optimistic despite the issues was healthy.

I like that I am finally somewhat emotionally healthy. Even if things don't turn out the way I hope, I've got my health, lol!
Posted By: Mach1 Re: This is What's up - 03/16/16 01:25 PM
Hey G....

You fought waaaay too hard for yourself, to give yourself away...

You got this : )
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/17/16 05:59 AM
Mach,

truth be told, I have not smiled in since we broke up. I cracked one yesterday though when I got a text from someone who told me to smile smile smile smile

I shed some tears on the way to work, but it's all the radio's fault, because it knows how to play the wrong song at the wrong time. But for today, I am just smiling and saying something kind ot everyone I come into contact with today. It helps.

So much to be grateful for. I do have happiness in my life. I just have to work though the sadness so I can see feel it again.

I did fight very hard for myself, and I will not be giving myself away to anyone who doesn't recognize the value in that.
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 03/17/16 01:31 PM
There's always the sausage guy...remember him lol!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/18/16 05:09 AM
hahah! Mr. Hungarian Sausage!! How can I forget?

people think I should be getting back in the dating game now. If an opportunity presented itself, I certainly wouldn't reject it. But he's still got a piece of my heart, and I don't like to give it to one guy to another, I like to take it back for a little while first. And online dating is not something for me until I am really into dating. Which I am not. That takes a certain level of energy and dedication and I need to dedicate elsewhere right now.
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 03/18/16 11:13 AM
Why do people always say that sh*t! I guess they see you hurting and want you not to hurt so they say "hey, get back in the saddle". Personally, I think you take some time to digest this and see what you can learn...it's also emotionally exhausting. You don't want to get out there and find you don't have much to give at this point. Take your time. That's my 2 cents.
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 03/18/16 11:14 AM
...and you already said that, didn't you smile
Posted By: Rick1963 Re: This is What's up - 03/18/16 05:48 PM
"Hey get back in the saddle" really pisses my off...lol

Sorry G jk..

He is a nice guy but if he can't meet your needs than you did the right thing for you and the baby. I really think us LBS do more for others than for ourselves.. Always trying to please others..my experience made me a bit more selfish/self centered. So weird to put myselfs need ahead of others. On Wednesday I told my passive/aggressive boss that I had applied for a job in my county. I had no choice cause the CEOS have an aggrement to tell each other when one of their staff applies to a sister agency. I felt nothing about telling her.. she was beside herself. It would cut my commute by 50 miles.

You do what is right for you even if it hurts you or others...

You are worth everything you ask for ok....
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/20/16 07:10 AM
Hi Rick!I spit out my coffee when I finally got the horse joke:)Applying for a job that is more convienient to you and a very good and necessary selfishness. Selfishness is a healthy thing, as long as you aren't hurting others consistently. I wish you luck in getting the job. I know all you commute and the toll it can take on you. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed!

I do really see how us LBS do more for others. For me, it was something leftover from childhood, trying to get my mom to love me and blah, blah, blah. I carried it into ex when my life was falling apart, and the thought of losing him as horrible as he treated me, was too much to bear, so I sacrificed myself and my dignity to keep him there, because then I would have no one.

I did that in a few half R's post D. It became an awful disrespectful habit to myself. The funny thing is, a part of the reason I didn't let it happen this time, was because I really did love this one. And if we were really going to have a future, it had to be based on him actually wanting one with me, not because I was so darned accommodating and nice that he would "feel bad" letting me go. I also know, like you said, staying with him being so unsure and confused and going hot and cold would have not been good for the little one. She was already so attached after a short period of time. She brings up some memories occasionaly now, but I sat on this toy he bought her by accident that laughs when you press it and I made a joke that I was "laughing my a$$ off" (I thought it was funny) and she got upset, grabbed it and said " this is very special to me" It was like a tie to him she was still holding onto to. I couldn't let them get any closer without knowing we had a future.

So, just a journal, because my feelings are a mess. I did a little better after talking with a mutual friend and going to IC. This weekend has been rough and full of tears. I'ts me myself and I this weekend, which I initially looked forward to some time to myself. My best friend came over Friday night and we hung out and laughed and drank some wine and ordered some pizza. Much needed. She said she was proud of me for not reaching out, but most people seem surprised he hasn't reached out to me. I told him not to, but some of my friends still had the hope he would realized he lost something great, and want to get it back. Well, that isn't happened. I struggle with that right now. Was everything a lie? I wish people could I am realizing they were just words, because he ran for the hills when it came time to give and grow our R. So I am struggling with what was true and what wasn't.

Being alone, I am generally ok with. It is a reality of my life. All my weekends aren't that happy family time most people my age with kids my age have. I can spend a weekend completely alone from time to time. It just gave me too much time to think this weekend. I did go to the mall and buy myself a pair of red high heels:)I took a free yoga class taught by a new instructor at my studio, and I went to get some of my favorite Syrian food take out. I live. But my heart is heavy as can be. Today is school work and a little more shopping and making a nice homemade dinner for myself. But again, my stupid heart is heavy.

I am DBing again, I realize. Crap, Much better at it this time, though. I want so badly to reach out and tell him I am sad and angry and let him know I feel. But I know it won't make me feel any better. Probably more upset because nothing will change. So I stay silent, except for some pics I sent his from our vacy last night. Only of him and his D, and some sunsets, nothing else. I sent the ones with all of us right after vacay.

Life goes on.....
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/22/16 06:13 AM
So, I realize I am depressed. Yup, back at that again. I wake up in the morning looking forward to bed, but dreading bed, because then the morning comes. I go to my boring job I do everyday which I am thankful to have, but boring and not what I intended to do with my nursing degree. The days are long. I go pick up D8, I make dinner, clean up, we spend some time together, she goes to bed, then low and behold, I'm alone again. I do some schoolwork, watch Netflix, then go to bed because I am lonely and bored. I can't get out of the house for obvious reasons, but if I could, I would take a nighttime yoga class. Yoga soothes me and challenges me at the same time. I do spend some time with friends, but even though I'm engaged, that happy feeling deep inside isn't there. I've been shopping and eating chocolate to try to find that "rush" which isn't quite working. Can't afford to get fat and broke, so I'm going to stop it. Funny thing is, going through my routine was not affecting me the way it is now when I wasn't alone. Even if I was alone during the week, mentally, I wasn't so alone. All I ever wanted was a regular life with someone by my side because the right person by your side makes those things great.

However, I realize my situation is what it is, and I am working on overcoming it. Going to try to fit some more workouts in. I would love to join a group, take a cooking/painting/dancing class, but I can't commit to a weekly schedule because I have no one to watch D8. I guess I feel kind of trapped and alone sometimes.

I'm going to try some volunteer work. Maybe on the weekends I don't have her. Just something to pump me up again. I feel like my doing good for mankind is gone since I'm not a "real" nurse anymore.

I'll know I'm feeling better when I start to enjoy sushi again. That's honestly the point when I realized I was depressed. I couldn't eat my favorite food in the whole world.
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 03/22/16 04:55 PM
grief has it's stages and depression is certainly one of them. It's hard when you've allowed someone into your heart and life and then it doesn't work out. They become a big part of your life and thinking and then...poof, gone. It's an empty place...but it does get better. You will rise again smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/23/16 05:39 AM
Thanks WII. That's exactly it. I feel like I'm being an overly sensitive baby, but it's the first time I gave my heart away since ex many moons ago. I had some real hope, and now I feel like everything was a lie. It's just depressing.

Yesterday looked up a little. Had some pleasant happenings. First time I didn't cry before I went to bed in weeks. Slowly but surely I'll get myself back. I've got a lot of great people in my life who help me get through. I just feel so dumb for taking this so hard. But I haven't been truly in the game since ex. And we all know how I took that one........lol
Posted By: Underdog Re: This is What's up - 03/23/16 08:33 AM
Ginger,

I think I was more depressed about the breakup with my long term guy after my D than I was about my D. I know that sounds crazy, but I, too, put a lot of hope there and felt like it was a lot more cruel than losing my marriage of 14 years. I know that doesn't make sense...

Once I got through the depths of sadness, I realized how much I had given myself away so quickly. My D22 wasn't willing to like anyone I dated, but she was neutral with him and when we broke up, she could see how damn sad I was - and she didn't like that at all. It took me quite awhile to move through. I had a very close friend (who I met here) who catapulted herself into my life (and my girls), and her chipper attitude and ability to see through all the crap just made it a whole lot easier to get through. It wasn't long before she had me laughing again. I'm sure if I liked sushi, she would have been the one to tell me to like it again. cool

Lean on your friends. Since I've met a few of them, they sure seem like the kind of friends who will pick you up.

Love you, girl!
Posted By: BeginningAgain Re: This is What's up - 03/23/16 08:38 AM
Hi G!

First of all I'm very sorry things did work out with the BF. I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but it is much better to have figured all this out sooner rather than later and good for you for standing up for your needs. Life is much too short to spend time valuing someone who doesn't equally value you back.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I know that there is a perfect fit for you out there and he will come into your life when you least expect it.

I don't know if you remember or not, but about 3 years ago I had my heartbroken by the person (Marianne) I had been dating for several months. I thought she was going to be my forever. We had everything in common, interests, kids same age, etc. I really thought we were perfect for each other. Well the universe knew differently, because 8 months after that relationship ended, it dropped a woman (now my fiancé) into my life that is light years better for me (and I am better for her) than Marianne ever could have been. We respect and love each other equally which is so important in a relationship.

One day you too will meet the man who loves and values you just as much as you love and value him. It's only a matter of time!

Best,
BA
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/23/16 10:26 AM
I really thank you guys for sharing your experiences with me. As yo all know, I live in a perpetual state of "what's WRONG with me". I think there is something wrong with me when an R ends, or something is wrong with me when I get depressed, or when I take a while to deal with something, like this breakup. I needed this reminder that nothing is WRONG with me. I need to focus on what's RIGHT with me. I am so very lucky that I have friends to help me do that. And maybe that's what shook me a bit through all of this. NG would always say "there is nothing I don't like about you. What more could I ask for?" Probably said that up until almost the end. So when he chose to let me walk away instead of trying ot do his part in making it work, I was left shaking my head. What IS wrong with me? Well, nothing. Except the fact I keep asking myself that question!!! I admittedly cared for him more than the ex. It was on a different level. I'm just babbling here......But yeah, the love and respect completely needs to mutual. And not just words. Actions.

I do remember, BA, you took it hard with Marianne and had a period of hopelessness in finding someone. And you and your wonderful fiancé found eachother and you blended your families together. It will happen one of these days, I know.

Time to gather up my self worth. You guys really did help me that, thank you!
Posted By: RosaLinda Re: This is What's up - 03/23/16 11:59 AM
Originally Posted By: G
NG would always say "there is nothing I don't like about you. What more could I ask for?" Probably said that up until almost the end. So when he chose to let me walk away instead of trying ot do his part in making it work, I was left shaking my head. What IS wrong with me? Well, nothing.

Correct, give that girl some sushi. You're asking the wrong question here girlfriend - the correct question is what the F is wrong with NG? Plenty, apparently.

Love you!
Posted By: Underdog Re: This is What's up - 03/23/16 08:10 PM
Sounds like NG is carrying some baggage that needs to be addressed. Ginger, be happy you learned this about him, because this is the kind of stuff you really don't want down the road. And just maybe, Your own Mike Brady is right around the corner. When you're ready for him and he for you. grin
Posted By: KGirl Re: This is What's up - 03/24/16 10:19 AM
If you read my posts over the past two months you'll see I also went through a huge "what is wrong with me/why did I scare him away" phase post-breakup as well. After counseling and LOTS of conversations with friends I am finally past that part of it, but was also depressed for awhile. Dreaded waking up in the morning and remembering how things would be different, engaging in activities but not really enjoying them, XBF was in my thoughts like 80% of my waking hours, etc. After two months I can say that it's finally diminished, I enjoy things that I typically enjoy doing, and he's maybe in my thoughts like 30% of the time (which still sounds like a lot but is a big improvement, and it's mostly when things trigger it. For example, we had a webinar at work yesterday where the main speaker was in Canada, and XBF grew up in Canada, so he was in my mind for quite a bit during it). And I can better identify some of the red flags that I ignored in the spirit of being "open-minded" or felt like that was all I deserved or could get, but that I probably wouldn't have tolerated or put up with had I been at a different point in life. I was attracted to "edgy" and interesting (which really meant not dependable, elusive, and ambiguous) and hopefully I know now to not overlook the "boring" aka nice and dependable guys who actually have the values I want.

Time helps. Staying busy helps. I read some articles that talked about how people's brains right after a breakup look much like drug addict's brains - your brain is actually addicted to the person and when they leave cold turkey it's much like a withdrawal. Your brain keeps thinking about them as a way to feed that craving. Maybe knowing that much of it is brain chemistry right now is helpful!
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 03/24/16 05:39 PM
I getcha G! I was always raised to believe everything was my fault (Mom!). My R with SDA lady has been over for over 2 years and at times I still blame myself ...if only I'd tried harder, been more accepting 'cuz nobody's perfect, I hurt her badly so I'm a bad person blah blah blah. That stuff sticks with you but you just try to recognize when it's happening that it's not reality, just sh*t. That doesn't mean that we don't look at our relationships and see where we could have done better but we also have to be loving to ourselves...and that means giving ourselves the same understanding we give everyone else! Being loving means loving ourselves too smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/25/16 05:40 AM
KGirl, Thanks so much for your post. I have been following along closely with your thread and I can say I have been going through the same feelings post break-up as you and I most certainly feel your pain and wish neither of us had it. I admit, he is on my mind about 23 hours of the day. I play it over an dover in my head obsessively. But this time, not so much what I did wrong. I 100% did what I should have done. I do not doubt I had to tell him either we move forward, he also becomes a part of my life, or we need tocease contact. Like a mutual friend had said, I just need to be ready for the fallout if he choses not to give me what I need. I did this at a point where I was ready for the fallout. Only problem is, I have been having such a hard time, because according to his words, I had strong hope this wouldn't have been the outcome. I figured after a little thinking, if his words were true, it would be a no brainer to work together to move forward. But it wasn't. Words mean nothing without action.
So I've not been replaying in my head what I did wrong. I did right. But what I fight with was is I am as a person, (who I am actually finally pretty good with) not worth it to him? Am I not lovable as I am? But I know I am. For the right guy I will be. But that's what the replay is. I could not have done anything differently. He pretty much said as much himself. He would have been content with me just taking what he could give. He was happy with that. It was me who needed more. Not because I am selfish, but because I loved him.

I am also having a hard time with going cold turkey. It's exactly what I needed to do, but as in anything, there is a true withdrawl period. Cold turkey was me. He wanted to stay connected. I couldn't. I also struggle with all these things in this cold turkey time I still feel like I have to say. But what's the point? he knows how I feel. He knows what happened. he made his choice. With my exH, I let him know every freakin angry and hurt feeling that came into my head. Made him dislike me more. So I started keeping a journal where I write what I want to say to him. Kind of weird, maybe, but it also helps me make that time the time he can be on my mind, to free up the space in my head at other times. I do often wonder if he thinks of me as I think of him. Probably not. D8 brought him up yesterday. She still misses him. Doesn't like to tell me because she doesn't want to make me sad.

Time will heal. I will end up seeing him again as we have mutual friends. Hopefully by that time I'll be in a good place with all of this.

Positives of the day: I'm getting a lot of money back in taxes and I got a letter saying I made the President's list at my University! WooHoo!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/25/16 07:41 AM
By the way, the redundant talk about our R, is really just me getting it out of my head. Ignore, it's more of the same:)
Posted By: KGirl Re: This is What's up - 03/27/16 09:34 AM
I think going over and over the same things is part of our brain healing so it's OK! smile Something that I read online that helped me when I started to feel like I was ruminating and bordering on obsessing thinking about what happened and why it happened was that each time I thought about it, I needed to answer one of these two things:
-What does this mean about him and the relationship (draw a conclusion) or,
-What can I learn from this and apply to future experiences (take action)

And if I couldn't get myself to any of those things it was time to think about something else instead of unproductively thinking.

I totally understand this about saying you're ready for the fallout but really not thinking that outcome would happen. I was prepared to have a conversation that I knew could end in a breakup if we weren't going to be on the same page. But in my heart because of the things he said that made it seem like he was serious/this would be long term, I really didn't think we'd break up, just talk it out and then come to some sort of solution. I really didn't believe he would decide he couldn't do what I thought were simple things (fill me in on stuff and keep me in the loop about his life) and just walk away. My bluff was called, I guess. And yes, I was also the one who wanted more and if I had kept the status quo perhaps we would still be together.. but I loved him and to me that meant a different set of things happening than what was currently going on.

Standard breakup recovery advice is to journal and to set aside specific time to think about what happened and ONLY during that time ideally, so you can focus on other things the rest of the day.. sounds like you're doing what you need to!

I think about whether or not he thinks of me or misses me as much as I miss him.. it's hard to imagine he does otherwise you'd think he'd come running back (or.. send me a text at least, ha) and say he made a mistake and wants to talk about things. But from what I know about him even if he really felt that, he probably wouldn't follow through on it - he's too scared of getting "lost" in someone else and also maybe a little bit proud and stubborn.

I recently went on a few dates with someone else and I'm thinking I wasn't ready because I did wayyy too much comparison to XBF ("well at this point in time I felt X way with XBF and I don't feel this way at all"). Quite likely this guy wouldn't have been a thing anyway but it's harder to tell with this other stuff clouding things up. I'm not going to go on any more dates with him and now that I've decided that, the distraction is gone and it's back to missing XBF a bit more frown
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/28/16 08:45 AM
Kgirl,
I give you many props because you were true to yourself with your wants and needs, as was I. That is something I do not regret, and I hope you don't either. I hoped he would want to figure this out together, but he didn't.

I have to stop myself everyday from telling him that I miss him. It's not easy. And a huge 180 for me. This was the first guy since exH, and probably more so than exH that I became truly intimate with. And I don't mean that sex wise. We were both completely ourselves together and completely comfortable with it. he felt the same way. It's hard to move forward when you get that with someone. I wish like hell he would straighten his crap out and want to be with me. Wishful thinking though. But while I wish that, I am probably not ready to move on.

Aside from that something weird happened yesterday at Easter. A little back story. My dad and mom split when I was 17. long story behind it, but shortly after he began an R with a coworker. Which he told me started after my mom. My mom suspected it was happening sooner. My dad says no, but it was atleast an EA. Well, yesterday relatives visiting dated their relationship in a conversation. It was before my dad left my mom. They got caught red handed. While my mom was mentally ill, I understand her hurt. I wish I could say sorry to her somehow. But, it still doesn't make me love my dad and stepmom any less.

Such weird feelings.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/28/16 08:47 AM
by the way, that coworker is my stepmother.
Posted By: Cadet Re: This is What's up - 03/28/16 10:27 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I am probably not ready to move on.

You may not be and that is fine.

You do have to keep moving forward.

You are awesome and you need to keep making yourself more awesome!
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 03/28/16 12:17 PM
G, sometimes when we are going over and over something in our head we are looking for that magic bullet. If I just find that "thing" that will explain all this then I can stop it from happening to me again and I can move on. This is a classic anxiety behaviour and I'm pro at it! It's like spinning your tires in the mud and you just get deeper and deeper into the muck but never get any further out. It's a fine line between "processing" and obsessing. I don't know where you are in this but I'm just tossing this out 'cuz I know I do it. Unfortunately (or fortunately) in life there is seldom that cut and dried pat answer that will wrap it all up into a neat little ball, "If only I had done or said this then...". Realize that when we do this we seldom get any answers that satisfy...sure, every once in a while we come up with a new thought and that just serves to keep us coming back for more. It reminds me of that saying "who says worry doesn't work, all the things I worry about never happen!" So just be aware that sometimes when we think we're "just processing" we're really not, we're obsessing. Feel better...it's not an easy journey. I've been there and done that. I think also the Easter holiday must have had an impact on you, it's hard to be alone on those holidays (although I know you love your daughter and your family, you can still feel something is missing). Thinkin' of ya smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/29/16 05:49 AM
I definitely do have to keep on moving forward. I am. I'm just sadly and sluggishly doing it. Thanks Cadet, I'm trying to remember I am awesome and my awesomeness isn't defined by the rejection of a guy.

Wii, I am totally obsessing. But I totally cannot even run through what I did wrong. Because, gosh darnit, I actually did just about everything right. Right up until I told I needed commitment to making this work else I couldn't do it anymore. It's the rejection. It's the truth. It's kicking my butt more this time because I really cared.

Yup, you nailed it. Ever since I stop grieving ex, got my life together, forgiven and accepted everything, that something that is missing is blaring like a large neon sign in my heart. Not just anyone can fill it either. I thought I found the love that would. Realizing I didn't is rough. And the fact I am missing him more than I thought and he appears to not be missing me at all has kicked my ego's and hearts butt.

Just something else to get through. I appreciate everyone's kind words and listening to me ramble like a lunatic.
Posted By: kat727 Re: This is What's up - 03/29/16 02:18 PM
You don't know what he is thinking, so I wouldn't even go there. You only know what you are thinking and feeling, so you need to deal with that.

I know when I had a what ever you call it with K several years ago, I did the same thing and got obsessed with all of it when it didn't go the way I hoped.

Not healthy for me that's for sure. Now you know that a guy that fits what you are looking for is out there. Before you know it, you will find one that is ready for you too.

hugs, kat
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/30/16 05:10 AM
You are right kat, I have no clue what he is thinking. And I realize it really doesn't matter. Unless there is some action, his thoughts towards me don't mean anything.

I saw my therapist yesterday and just hurts into all out tears when I sat down. I let it all out. Every single thing. Of course my feelings aren't all about him, this has brought up other stuff for me I need to deal with. It felt good to release it and have it validated. DB has toyed with some of what I feel. Like I am not ok with myself if I still need someone else in my life. I think there is something wrong with me if I feel empty inside without a partner. My therapist ensured me that she understands my feelings and it is just human, that I am still whole even if I feel a certain emptiness alone. I'm just feeling the gaping hole a little more right now.

If you stop by my FB page, read the article I reposted. It was kind of life changing for me yesterday. When someone else puts into words exactly what you feel is pretty mindblowing. I know what I feel is just a part of the process. It really is a great read.

Thanks all for being here for me during my craziness. I'm going to make a huge shift in the way I feel now. It's a choice and I am ready to make that choice.
Posted By: Underdog Re: This is What's up - 03/30/16 08:38 AM
Ginger,

Your IC's couch is a great place to let it all out. And it's a good thing that you found other stuff to work through.

The one thing I think I learned from all of this is that it's so very important to fill those voids we have with things that fulfill ourselves so that we aren't vulnerable to the addiction of a new R. Healthy relationships don't remove things we need to do for ourselves - they enhance, not mask.

I found something on FB yesterday that I thought would be a great post to you. But I didn't want to shed light on your FB for the world to see. It was some therapist who was talking about the physiology of addiction after a break up. And she likened the healing process to that of curing an addiction.

We've all been guilty of doing this, so it's not directed at you personally. But I think I got stuck in a trap of wanting someone to remove the pain or void in my life that I didn't know existed (at least consciously) or wasn't willing to fill myself. I don't know if that makes sense.

What would your thought process be if you found out that it was just that neither of you was ready for each other? How would that information help you propel yourself to healing?

Love and hugs,
Bets
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 03/30/16 10:28 AM
Hey Bets!

That actually makes tons of sense, and if this was me a few years ago, I would say it is all applicable. That I was filling a pain/void I wasn't capable of filling myself. It's so very different this time. I've fulfilled myself in most other ways, the best I could with what I have in my time, but I can easily identify this void, I know exactly what it is. It's the sharing of my life and that intimate connection that is the true void. My addiction wasn't during the R, but yes, maybe after where I really do crave it now that I actually found it. It's been quite the opposite now, me trying to fill a very identified and isolated void with other things, within myself, and outside of myself, but this one can only be filled my one thing, sadly enough. I know that the intensity of it will dull soon, I've got to be patient.

If I found that neither of us was ready for eachother, this would be by far easier to heal. Knowing I have to do my work, get there and become a healthier me would help me heal. This is so difficult, because I was beyond ready. And even more difficult because I was ready and he was not. It is essentially was what caused the end to come. I was trying to hold back what I was ready for and wanted and needed hoping he would catch up, but he didn't.

I do have to get out of this rut though. Somehow, some way.

Next week I'm treating myself to getting keratin treatment on my hair. It's a 2 hour process and I have no one to watch the kid. She could come with me, they love her there, but it's such a busy week I feel bad keeping her in a salon at night for over 2 hours. I asked her dad to take her an extra night for her sake, not mine, but we will see. He never offers more than he gets, but hopefully he will give it if asked. Otherwise, she chills out with me and her Ipad and some Mc Donalds.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/01/16 05:39 AM
Today is ex's and H's 5 year wedding anniversary. D8 told me they are going to Niagra falls. I was looking at my "on this day" on FB and the posts I made on that day. In an effort to make me feel better, everyone told me that they wouldn't make, once a cheater, always a cheater. Well, 5 years later and they made it longer than we did. At this point, I couldn't have it any other way, because of D8. I hope they make it a lifetime. Does it sting sometimes? Sure. If I am completely honest, it stings the most because they have had this lasting love over the past how many years. They did a bad thing and got a good thing in return. But I'm no longer looking for them to be punished. But sometimes it leaves me scratching my head why I can't find that. Just some thoughts. No real answer to them either. The universe works in mysterious ways.

Good weekend ahead though. Actually, all the weekends in April are filled with lots of fun and friends and celebrations. Bye Bye March, you can go now.
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 04/01/16 05:58 AM
Doesn't mean he isn't cheating just 'cuz they're still together! My ex is still with her partner 8 years later...and I don't give a crap smile Enjoy your weekend...oh, and Happy Sabbath lol.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/01/16 06:24 AM
He cheats on her with his sick addiction to his clash of clans video game, lol. That game gets more attention than any person in his life. I don't want him to cheat. I hope he stays faithful this time. My D8 needs them together without infidelity. I would hate for her to ever find he is cheating. Again. I don't want her to lose her faith in men and a loving long lasting relationship. I can't show her that right now, but maybe they can.

Happy Sabbath!
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: This is What's up - 04/01/16 09:37 AM
Hey G! Just stopping in for a quick visit. Too bad I'm not in my Hometown. I could meet them LOL.

Hang in there sweetie. Better things are ahead for you. I was worried about your future with your boyfriend. (not what you want to hear). I was afraid that you were giving more than him. You and little G just deserve the best of everything. And it will happen. He was your rebound. My rebound hurt like no other. But I got passed it and I got Josh.

our anniversary today too. 12 years! I met Josh before you even split with your ex!

Tempus Fugit.

Hello everyone! Update soon. Sorry I've been AWOL. Moving on. Catch me on the ALT

Barb
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/01/16 10:17 AM
Hey barb! Happy anniversary!

Thanks for checking in. while he wasn't the rebound (I've had a few of those over the years) I was following my M.O. of giving more than I receive. I have never had a R go any other way. This time, I recognized it and realized I couldn't live like that. My heart hurt.

I think I have beaten a dead horse to death enough. Part of the healing process and it has been helpful. But I just got to let it all go.

(yes, I am at work, and my work bores me, so I've been on here too much)
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/06/16 05:58 AM
Just a little big update, and a thanks for all of you helping me out. I know I was posting like a nutjob like I did back in BD, but it did help, so thank you.

I had some realizations this weekend which I discussed with my guardian angel, aka, my IC. I read an article which made me realize, that although I couldn't do things his way(which I tried), I didn't love him any less. And he could not do things my way at this time in his life (i.e commitment and effort) it doesn't mean he loved me any less. We both had to be true to ourselves. And I completely understand why he couldn't commit to me right now. Long story, but he needed to do his own thing for a while, else there would have been ton of regret on his end. This lifted some of the anger out of my heart and filled me with compassion instead. My IC said my realization was incredibly mature and she wouldn't have even realized that. Then I told her I never let him go, because I felt in the back of my mind he would come back, and it is desperately holding me back ad the only way I felt like I could do it is reaching out to him, tell him how I have been feeling since we ended and what I have come to realize. It is incredibly anti-DB, and I thought she would knock it down, but I'm not trying to get him back. I'm trying to move on, be honest with myself and him, and be able to see him in the future because our paths will cross due to mutual friends. She said I should absolutely reach out and write an email if it is for my closure and to be able to move on. I've started it, and don't know when I will send it, but it was therapeutic just to write it.

That being said, my IC and I got to the bottom of how I am feeling the overwhelming weight of all responsibilities and feeling stretched entirely too thin and how that feeling has been exacerbated since everything happened. He wasn't here helping me with any of my everyday life, but it brought to light the true feeling of the simple things, when someone cares enough to talk about your day with at the end, tell you they miss you, and have that type of intimate conversation, how it could truly dull the weight of all the stressors. I loved being with him on the weekends when he would make a meal for me, rub my feet, make me a fire (in the fireplace,lol)..... when you have no one "taking care" of you for so long, you realize what a difference it makes. So, it was good to identify why I was so stressed and anxiety filled with my crazy life, when really, my responsibilities hadn't changed. I was feeling guilty about going back to the gym on D8's swim team days (I joined the gym at the Y where she swims) because I would not have her home until 7:45 on those days. My IC ensured me she is a kid, she can handle it and it would be good for her. And it is imperative for me. She sees how I need my outlet desperately. I can no longer go home, do my chores and just sit on that couch, it was making me a nut case. So last night, I joined the gym, she came along, I took a spin class and felt infinitely better. I can't even explain what it did for my spirit. I was calmer, not high strung and even got more done when I got home, and appreciated my hour of TV, which I was hating when it was all I had. My dad had also asked me where I wanted to go for mothers day, what I wanted to do, what time ect. I said, "dad, you know what I would love? Anything that you plan for me that doesn't involve me having to make a decision or plan it. I just want to show up." He said absolutely. Spending so long being the only one who plans and makes decisions, it would be a DREAM for me to just enjoy something. Even if the plan was lunch at mc Donald's.

One last thing. I might be going to Israel in May! My BFF's H is going for business, she is going with and wants me to come. Even though my jacka$$ of an exH claimed our daughter on the wrong year in his taxes and caused mine to reject (grrrrrr), I will eventually get it, it was a sizable amount, and this is a once in a lifetime chance! I am having passport issues due to name chance (I cant find the divorce document with the seal). I hope this all works out,

It'll be my eat, pray, love trip!
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: This is What's up - 04/06/16 11:14 AM
Hey G!

I think the visit to the IC was a great idea and obviously gave you more insight and clarity. That's awesome. No - he didn't love you less. Nor did you love him less. its just that it is really difficult to pack up and leave your home, your familiarity, your friends, your career, your daughter's school and your support system on the hope that it would work out. When you were seeing signs that it might not. I would not have done it either.

The Israel trip sounds like an awesome opportunity. I hope you can swing it.

Mother's Day. I just saw it on the calendar this morning. Hoping mine is better than last year too. One out of 3 kids seems to remember. Ahhh… not fair to blame Ryan for that one but GEEZ.

Trying to wrap up some things here in the south today. Heading home in 8 days. Time is flying by .

Thinking of you today and remembering our fun trip in Oct.

Barb
Posted By: Cadet Re: This is What's up - 04/06/16 01:47 PM
I love love love your "little big update" T, thanks so much for posting. I've always been a big fan of yours, and your broken heart broke mine too. I wanted to shake some sense into NG, slap him around a little and make him see what is required of both parties to have a good relationship (it cannot be just one doing all the work and all the giving) and make him see what he will be missing by losing you.

But I am amazed, awed actually, by your growth and maturity because of this crap. Both for realizing that the fact that you and NG cannot give each other what you both need at this time does not mean that your love was not real. I think your IC is awesome too, and that writing him an email for closure is a great idea. And also for deciding to meet some of your own needs by joining the gym at D8's YMCA. That will be great for both of you, and I am so proud of you for making this decision.

And PS, ugh to your ex F*ing up your taxes, the big idiot, and going to Israel sounds wonderful -- you can get a certified copy of your divorce decree at the Superior Court of New Jersey Records Center -- 609-421-6100.

And PSS happy birthday Bets smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/07/16 05:28 AM
BArb, I hope you get all the appreciation and recognition you deserve for Mother's day. Perhaps this year it won't slide by them.....learning from last year! It really was great getting to hang out with you in FLA. I might be back down in July, but I know you will be taking care of your cottages way up north!

Cadet,
Thank you. The way I look at things is so much different these days. I will slip into old patterns when I feel rejected, that's still a trigger to me. But when I get my head on straight, I can see things a little more clearly. I used to think love conquers all, but really, circumstance has to be there too. As painful as it is, we can meet someone we love and not just not be able to have them.

And good news is I called the airline and they said they would take my passport with my married name, and the photocopy of my name change. Woohoo!

I feel like I spent all my money already, and I am supposed to be going to Disney in July for a friend's 40th! I am fortunate to be a single woman with so many fun travel offers from friends, but my bank account hurts! I'll figure it out though. Israel may not work out, but if it does, then it was meant to be.
Posted By: Underdog Re: This is What's up - 04/07/16 07:52 AM
Ginger,

GO! Have a blast! But avoid blasts. wink

The taxes thing happened to me and Mr. Wonderful a couple of years ago, but it was my accountant's fault. He fixed it. It just took a little time. I hope you can see me laughing at the idea of your idiot XH having to spend a few hours on hold with the IRS. grin

(Cadet, thanks! I played hooky yesterday and didn't tell anyone. It felt super good to avoid responsibility for the day.)

Super proud of you too, Ginger. You're a good egg.

xxxooo
Bets
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 04/07/16 07:07 PM
Hey G, write him the letter and then burn it! Personally, I don't see how sending him this letter is of any value. It's done when you say it's done not when he reads your letter. Believe it or not, he's hurting too. It's hard to give up someone wonderful especially when it's because he just can't do what it takes to have a relationship right now. I say, let him be. But that probably makes me odd man out here...c'est la vie smile But that's my 2 cents...and it's in Canadian so I probably owe you money now lol.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/08/16 05:30 AM
Wii,

I hear what you are saying. I've thought about it. I still haven't made a decision on sending it. Actually, I was so excited to write it and send it, believing it would give me this ultimate relief, I wrote the rough draft Monday night. Every night this week I had an intention of finalizing it and sending it, but when I went to do it, I really didn't have the urge. I think it was very therapeutic for now just to write it. So, I know it's there if I ever want to send it.

A part of me wanting to send it is because I know he might be hurting and I want him to know better that I understand why he made the choice he did. OTH, he may be completely over me and not thinking about me at all, and I would feel bad if I brought any memories back.

He has lots of pictures from over the years which he enjoys looking at. We looked at a lot of them together. Even of him and his ex GF. As a part of our LD R, we went eachother lots of pics and video's (clean, I swear. When we restarted talking after the first time we ended it, he told me he deleted every pic and video he had of me. Except one video, which was his favorite, just to hear my voice. I asked him why he has kept every one of his memories from his other R's and why he erased me. he said I was different and special, and he kind of left it at that. So did I. Maybe he does need to forget me.

His daughter's birthday is less than a week. She meant a lot to me too. I may just send a text from D8 and I wishing her a HB.

I wish I wasn't having such a hard time. This is way beyond my R mourning period, lol.

Anyways, off to AC this weekend. This is a MUCH needed trip. my girls, beer and music. That will be all I am allowing on my mind this weekend!

Oh, and I am going to a psychic party tonight. maybe I will get a little insight into the future
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 04/08/16 11:25 AM
Like the song says, breaking up is hard to do! Don't nurse him, he does not need you to say yet again you understand...it may come across as condescending as though he's the one who's lacking and you are the understanding care giver. I'd say yet again, don't send it but you know your sitch and the guy better than I do. And yes, it is good to write what you feel and need to say...but for you. Now you've done it smile Feeling for ya!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/12/16 06:03 AM
Well, he is soothing whatever hurt he might have had in the arms of another woman already. It only took him maybe 2 or 3 weeks to do so since we ended things. I know some details because we have a mutual friend. I found he was making some poor decisions with her. I won't get into details, but it Looks like is in def in MLC.

I'm hurt. I woke up this morning and realized I am extremely hurt and disappointed. In the end, it is a good thing I got out and did not pick up my life and move for someone who really just needs a woman filler in his life. Even with this woman he can still say (not to me) I'm the best relationship he ever had. But that isn't his desire, a good R. Just someone who can be there all the time, at his whim.

Well, this is the kick I needed to let go. This put the fear in me that I don't can't realize what is real and what is fake. I feel like what he claimed we had has been extremely devalued. But I think in my heart of hearts I did know a lot of what he said was words with no desire to act on them. Which is why I did what I did. My gut was strong on that, and my gut was sadly strong on the fact that he was probably seeing someone else already.

My gut has never ever been wrong once in my life. I'm pretty darned intuitive. It was even a part of what made me a good ICU nurse. I knew before anyone else did when a patient was about to crash. The key is not ignoring your intuition. In any situation.

It's just to let him go and what I thought we had go.
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 04/12/16 06:26 AM
That is so hard! You felt this was such a special relationship and then he moves on like it was nothing. But, that doesn't mean it was nothing to him 'cuz some people soothe their pain by covering it with another relationship. They don't want to think about it 'cuz it's scary. Hey, it was special for you and that's what counts. I remember after I broke up with SDA Lady and a few weeks later she was on a dating site using photos I'd take of her lol. I was pissed...even though I'd ended it and she had every right to do whatever she wanted! I felt the same as you "is that all this meant to her?" A few months later when we got back together briefly she told me she'd done that to piss me off. She went out with a couple of guys but found that all she was doing was comparing them to me, "He's not funny like Whatis" "he's not smart like Whatis" "He's not handsome like Whatis" you get the drift. She decided that all she was doing was looking for another Whatis and she told me "I realized there is only one Whatis and so I stopped. I wasn't being fair to the guys" My point being you don't know why your ex bf is doing what he's doing...but it still hurts, I know. Better days ahead smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/12/16 10:14 AM
Thanks Wii, it really is hard. I do know why he's doing what he's doing. I just hope he doesn't hurt anyone else, especially the kids that are involved in this. He's not a bad guy, he's just so stuck in MLC land he can't see beyond himself. She appears to be out for his money too. He just cannot be alone. It's why I kind of expected it to happen. Maybe not THIS soon.

I was just starting to feel better too:(
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 04/12/16 10:30 AM
My motto is "never feel better" 'cuz that way they can't ever make you feel bad again lol. I should write a relationship book and use that as the title...or maybe not.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/13/16 05:17 AM
I wrote the letter and sent it last night. It's a little different than the first one given light of the new situation. it wasn't mean, but it had a lot of truth about how everything has made me feel. It was the right move for me, to move on.

In other news, I am not going to Israel anymore. Too much money. My friend is still going, I am thankful. We will definitely be on a vacation together, maybe cali first week in June. it would have been a trip of a life time, but responsibilities first!
Posted By: Rick1963 Re: This is What's up - 04/13/16 06:34 AM
So sorry to hear G. You are special never doubt that. And it looks like you made the right call by ending things. Give it time and it will pass
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/14/16 05:32 AM
Thanks Rick <3. I'm trying to constantly remind myself it's not me. According to the decisions he is making, it's definitely not me. I saw my IC last night and told her of the new revelations and she was just shocked at some things I told her. She told me I really dodged a bullet. Thank God at one point I didn't pick up my life and move it there. I just seem to have a very hard time getting over people I let in and love hurting me. I'm very bad at getting over it, because I still have the good things that fill up my heart, and the good things, always take more power over the bad things for some reason....

I'm still feeling pretty hurt, but I'll get over it. When I am hurt like this, I can't eat much and I drop a few pounds......

Which is good because I am going to JAMACIA May 22nd!!!! Me and my BFF all inclusive at a top of the line resort, adults only! I am booked! Beyond excited, just what I need.

Oh, and listen to this. My dad and his wife's wedding anniversary was the 12th. I called my dad and wished them a happy anniversary. I thought it was a nice gesture. Well, he is not talking to me because he is mad that I did not deliver a separate call to his wife that day. WTF?! I always thought an anniversary is something special between a husband and wife, I wished them a happy anniversary, and I figured he would share the sentiment. Nope, I am now the bad child.

Sometimes I feel like I can't win. Everyone, including my IC agrees he's being dumb. So I'm going to let him cool off and come to me when he is ready. But I won't be apologizing for this one.
Posted By: Cadet Re: This is What's up - 04/14/16 07:05 AM
Sounds like your father has some issues going on that you don't know about.

My .02
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 04/14/16 07:46 AM
G, there's no time limit on grief. It takes time and give yourself that time. Don't compare to others. I often think tha those recover quickly are just not dealing with their sadness. Sorry, about Dad but I think he's had these moments in the past too, right?
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: This is What's up - 04/14/16 09:57 AM
Hey G - awesome about the trip to Jamaica! You will love it.
I know how hard it is to let go of people we love. I have a hard time with it. But I love you! Not getting rid of me!
Your dad is being ridiculous. Let him figure that out. Sometimes you just can't cut a break - you're right.
Hugs,
Barb
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/14/16 10:34 AM
Wii, you nailed it, this is my dad's MO. I don't think there is anything else going on, he just gets emotional and defensive of his wife often. We had it out on the phone a little while ago. It wasn't initially good, he didn't agree with me, I didn't agree with him, he got into how I shouldn't be feeling anything regarding NG anymore, but luckily it ended eventually in "I love you's".

On top of this, I asked ex to take D8 on the day after my birthday, even though it was my birthday because I had something adult planned. His answer? "well, I'll have a 3 days weekend with her before that, so try to find someone else". I can't believe him. He can't take an extra day because he has 3 in a row with her?! If he had plans, I would understand, but what? It's too much time with his daughter? There should be no such thing especially when you have her about 35% of the time. And D8 cried ot me the other night as to why our time isn't equal. I tell her because of work, but he the truth is he doesn't want it. I can never ever tell her that. She's better when she doesn't see him often, but when she gets an extra taste, she wants more. And then my ex FIL's exGF (weird, right?) is going ot leave her husband and wants to talk to me about divorce and custody. She texts this to me today.

and yes, I do have a hard time of letting those go that I love. I still loved him, I still think he is a good guy in an awful place. And yes, I guess call it PTSD from the affair, but when a guy jumps right to the next after claiming to love me, I spin. My compassion takes over sometimes when I should just be pissed and moved on. It's just not me.

I need Jamaica to come fast!

Even with the stress, I am letting it all go today. I'm actually in a better place today. I'm not as miserable as I sound. Actually I can't stop smiling when I think about vacation!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/14/16 10:37 AM
I meant "even though it was weekend" Darned edit button
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/15/16 05:59 AM
My dad and I are better. We are much better at saying "screw it, I love you, let's not fight" now.

I don't know if it was coincidence or intuition, but out of nowhere we are on the way home from swim and the gym and she blurts out "I miss NG's daughter!" she expressed some feelings as she really wants to play with her again, is sad she wasn't invited to her birthday party, and she knows I love NG and we should have made it work. Breaks my heart. I assured her that I told NG that we wished his daughter a very happy birthday and that I am sure she wanted to invite you to her party, but given our situation she couldn't. She began to ask a lot of questions about me and NG and our R. We got out of the car, and she picked up one of those weeds you blow on and make a wish, and I could just tell what she was wishing for.

Dating with young kids is no joke. You have to be really careful.
Posted By: JksD Re: This is What's up - 04/16/16 09:23 AM
I wish I were better with words.

(Ginger)
Posted By: job Re: This is What's up - 04/18/16 11:07 AM
I'm very sorry that things didn't go well between you and your dad. It does sound like he's got something going on. It could have been he and his wife were having some issues and your call caught him wrong...but I do hope that he'll come to realize just how crazy he was and apologize.

You will absolutely love Jamaica! Where are you planning to visit while there? I know that when I went there many years ago, the natives were constantly wanting to braid my hair and if you asked them anything, they wanted a tip. LOL! Go and have a wonderful time. You owe it to yourself!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/19/16 08:48 AM
Hi Job,

Things are better between my dad and I. He never apologized, but we agreed to disagree. he is super defensive when it comes to his wife. I am going to Montego Bay at a 5 star resort the friend I travelling with has visited twice. All inclusive, don't have to worry about a thing! I will be nothing but relaxing, eating, drinking, and sunning, just the way I like it these days! We aren't even venturing off the resort. I used to be full of adventure on vacays, but this one needs to be low key we both need to reset.

I figured out NG (or old guy for that matter, lol)began talking to his new GF while we were figuring out what we were going to do with our R. it hurts like a MOFO to have this happen yet again in my life, but it explains a lot. I had people tell me who know both of us that I was the first thing real in his life and he couldn't handle it. Whatever the reason, still stinks.

I have been on this weird journey as I get older I become so much more honest with myself even if I've got to dig deep and find what I don't want to. I think that's called being a grown-up:) I have come to realize why this is so hard for me to deal with and get over and I shared it with my bestie and I will share with my IC tomorrow. The reasons freaked me out, but my friend assured me they were understandable. One day I'll share, but I haven't quite worked through it yet.

All I can say right now is that I am so tired, physically and emotionally. And no matter what I do to make life easier, it doesn't work. My head has been just above water for the past 8 years, but right now I feel like I am sinking.

Thank goodness I am a strong swimmer.
Posted By: job Re: This is What's up - 04/19/16 10:33 AM
I stayed in Montego Bay years ago at one of the all inclusive places. We did venture forth out on the island to a lot of different places. All inclusives are the way to go and you can have a great time w/o leaving the resort. If I recall, we had a nudist beach not far from where we stayed.

I'm glad things are better between you and your dad. I don't understand why he's so defensive when it comes to his wife. It's not like you hate her or anything.

Keep swimming...you'll get to the other side of the ocean soon.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/22/16 05:23 AM
I had a nervous breakdown at my IC the other night. Everything finally came to a head. A lot of stuff came out, but one thing I know for sure my IC said is I have to stop wasting energy on him. While my breakdown didn't have to do with him directly, I recently found out the new girl came before we officially ended things. He had a back up plan. And this has happened to me with the man I married, and some guys I have dated. So it was a huge trigger and set me back. I know it's his way of escaping things that are real, nonetheless, it hurt.

IC and I did agree I need to not give him anymore energy. It's been difficult, but I am getting there. I was in a good place with him until I found all of this out.

I have been working out a lot, which is why I am so tired. I take D* to swim, we hang out there until I take my exercise class and we get home a little before 8pm. I have been watching my diet very well, mostly because I do not have the energy to eat, lol. My exercise keeps me sane and I am looking good.

I discussed with IC how I want my ex to take an extra week night every now and then, but I know he won't take it. Then we discussed getting a babysitter once a week, but I won't be able to get ex to pay for his half, it will be a battle. I am just doing everything on my own. I have zero help. No one.

So here is the truth. I thought I finally found the guy who was going to be the ticket out of this life and into a partnership. 8 years of being alone, and I was/am done. I thought I finally going to share the good, the bad, and the responsibilities of everyday life with someone else. We talked about our future together like that, although it was just talk on his end, but I let myself feel it. It felt hopeful about my future for the first in a long time. When it was taken away, I felt hopeless. And then I was triggered by this other woman. he will probably have her moved in no time, because that's his MO, and she isn't a risk because she wouldn't be picking up her whole life. It brought me back to ex and OW and how I felt OW got what I was supposed. The marriage, the family, ect. Of course, I logically get that part was just a trigger.

Raw truth. I can't get over this because I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel in which I feel like I have been trapped in for so long. MY IC things it's normal as can be, we are meant to be couples in this world, partners, and I have gone for so long without it. It doesn't make me needy or weak, it just makes me real and human.

So, time to get over it, so I can get the real deal one day in my life. I am not going to lose hope.
Posted By: RosaLinda Re: This is What's up - 04/22/16 06:11 AM
To lose hope must be one of the worst things that can happen to a person. To have something you desperately want - physical health, a loving relationship, a child, anything - dangled within reach and then grabbed away must be devastating. Awful. Especially when the very thing you longed for is then given freely to someone who does not deserve it. No wonder you are having so much trouble getting past this, G.

I agree with your IC, that people are meant to be part of a couple; I've told you before that I truly believe that our hearts have a love-shaped hole in them that cannot be filled by the love of our kids or friends. I really thought NG was that guy. He fooled a lot of people, G, not only you. His loss. His daughter's loss. But NOT your loss - you've had a very lucky escape.

I know it does not feel like that now, but someday it will. And someday you will find love, because you are such a loving deserving wonderful woman. Hang in there honey.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/22/16 10:15 AM
RosaLinda,

You always understand exactly where I am coming from smile Just like my divorce, this was not only the loss of a love (and I admittedly, in the short time I knew him, loved him more than my ex) but the loss of a lifestyle and a family. It never came to fruition, but it was hopeful. I really did care for his daughter, his friends, everyone. He was not in a place to receive that.

You are so right about that special spot in the heart that can only be filled by one thing. I have filled every area of my heart except that one. One day..... one day.....hopefully soon, lol
Posted By: JksD Re: This is What's up - 04/26/16 05:29 AM
(((Ginger)))

I feel you on the part about wanting companionship. I know I can be happy alone but I also know that I would prefer being happy with someone else.

I do hope that we will all be able to find our happiness one way or another.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/26/16 07:23 AM
Thanks for stopping JksD. I've been without any consistent companionship for 8 years since my daughter was an infant. It's finally taking a toll on me. The difference is, I used to take whatever crumbs I could get. Now I want it to mean something and last in the long run. That's why I took a stand this time, I needed to know it was real and I wasn't the one keeping it together,and, unfortunately, he didn't come through as I hoped. I am taking it hard. Very hard. I still remain proud of me for not accepting less than I need and want. It was just easier to move on to the next. I'm worth more than that.

The fact I can't keep my eyes open half of the time isn't helping my mood, lol. I burst into tears randomly, which is nuts. It's like going back to the first 2 years of the D.

I did have a nice talk with my dad last night. I was avoiding him because he doesn't understand when I get like this, and it hurts him to see me hurt. But I explained why I had been avoiding him and he offered me some kind and non-judgemental advice and he took a good effort in trying not to tell me how I should be feeling.

I want the old me back. I look in recent pictures of me and my eyes look so empty. I am actually quite a charismatic person normally. I hate that I'm letting a guy take this from me. I swore I would never let that happen again. I'm certainly not going to attract my future mate this way!

I'm working on it, because we all do deserve love.
Posted By: JksD Re: This is What's up - 04/27/16 01:58 AM
Ginger, it must have been tough on you all these years, especially when your d was still so young.


We all deserve love, and I think you did the right thing. Better to make a stand now than to learn later that NG can't step up to the plate.

The divorce recovery books say that the first breakup after a D is as painful as, if not more painful than, the D. It takes a lot of strength and courage to set aside our vulnerabilities to try again.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 04/27/16 05:34 AM
what is compounded onto my recent heartbreak is my ex. My life is busier, D8's life has become busier, which means mine has too. I am exhausted by doing everything myself. I was on the fence about asking ex to take an extra weeknight every now and then, but when he cancelled his extra this week I told him we needed to have a serious talk about division of responsibilities.

His answers just left me shaking my head. He thinks everything is going wonderfully. I told him everything is going wonderfully for him. I expressed my needs and D8's needs, and he shot me down. He won't do it. His commute is too stressful. I live in a different town (20 min away, no biggie). he's only ridiculous resolution is to move D8's school to his town and then "he can help out a little more" I was just flabbergasted. he also think he is was so helpful when he started taking D8 2 years ago on the Sunday night in his weekend. I did that for D8, she was desperate for more time with her dad.

I told him its just sad how many men I know who walk the ends of the earth to be with their kids, and a 20 minute car ride is too much. I also told him I know if he wanted to be a full-time dad he would have had a kid with his W. I know it's not his desire, but he should step up for the one he has. I'm going back to court for more CS and for babysitter money. I'm going to consult a lawyer through work and see if I can get some money towards a babysitter when I need it. It took a lot for me to ask him to take some more time with his kid. I obviously am trying anything to get some help.

What am I going to do? Can't force a man to be a real dad. He will happily remain Uncle Dad if it means effort on his part to be a real dad. He tried to temp check me last night, but I didn't bite. I feel like D8 and I will always pay for his selfishness, and he will get away with everything for the rest of his life.

If exNG was able to really commit to me I wanted to move in eventually. I was slightly worried exH wouldn't let me. But I realize from our convo he would have happily let us. He doesn't want the one weeknight he has. However, my dating will be done locally, no longer long distance. It was the one thing D8 asked of me last week. I would be a liar if I often didn't think of moving far away with her. Somewhere cheaper with new people and warmer weather.

JKsD, you made me realize this is my first real breakup since the D. I've dated guys, it has ended, but this was the first real one with promise and families introduced, talk of the futre, and such. so yeah, I guess this is my first real break up post D. And it is surprisingly as painful. I always thought after the D, anything else would be a piece of cake. I would just say "whatever". Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Thanks, I feel a little more normal now.
Posted By: JksD Re: This is What's up - 04/28/16 12:49 AM
Ginger,
We are the normal ones! The xhs are the ones abducted by aliens.

I am so sorry to hear that your xh isn't more helpful with d8. You're probably right that he just wants to be uncle dad. It may not be easy for you now but D8 will thank you for not depriving her of her time with her dad.

I do hope that you will be able to get more CS to cover for babysitting. I am in the same position as you and I know how GD tiring everything can be.

(((Ginger)))
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 05/03/16 06:56 AM
It's been an interesting past week. Found out ex NG still cares for me and talks about me, and some other sad things I can't mention on here. I felt validated and better for about a day, I even felt compassion and wanted to help him, which I realize is pretty messed up and then I got angry. I just want my heart and mind to let it all go. But it digs up a lot of crap about past R's that are unsettling to me.

There was this guy I used to work with. We began working when I was married and pregnant. We became friends, and I suspected he might have a crush on me and realized it was true after my ex and I split. I wasn't in a good spot, and nor was I attracted to him. But one thing I will always remember and cherish is that he is the only guy who has SHOWED me how much he cared for me. He would help me with anything and always ask if there was anything he could do for me. One night when I went to work deathly ill (calling out as a nurse isn't easy)and I ended up in my own ER severely dehydrated, he stayed with me and well after our shift. He went to the store to get me ice pops when I couldn't swallow (sever tonsillitis).

No other guy in my life has ever SHOWN me how they care for me. I am typically suckered in by words. The words when you don't hear them for a while fill your heart up. But when actions don't follow up, they tear you down. No one has ever followed up with actions. I express my needs for once in a R and the guy says "nah". I was asked by said mutual friend if I would ever take exNG back. and I realized that unless he could SHOW me he cared me, well, it's the only way I would ever consider it. But right now he could say it, but I know he does not plan on showing it. And when I love, I SHOW love. I give it, I don't just say it.

Anyways, yeah, due to ex's schedule changes I have been missing my IC appts, so I thought I would let it roll here. My ex is still a huge selfish douche who I have no desire to even look at these days. he has temp-checked me a few time since, and I'm just not biting. I just can't. He is a sorry excuse for a man and a father. I feel like I will never stop paying for marrying him. I knew I shouldn't have. It is what it is. I can't undo it.

I actually do want to start dating again. I will be 36 in exactly one month. I want to move on and find my companion. However, time is not my friend. I'm just going to try the law of attraction and hopefully he will just come to me. HA!
Posted By: Cadet Re: This is What's up - 05/03/16 10:25 AM
YES - Actions DO speak louder than WORDS.

You are still very young, and I have all the confidence that MR Right will show up.
You are never too old!
Posted By: Maybell Re: This is What's up - 05/03/16 07:11 PM
Ginger, you're a lot younger than me! Keep holding out for the guys who show you're important. You've already seen one. There will be more.

(((((Ginger)))))
Posted By: whatisis Re: This is What's up - 05/03/16 08:16 PM
For your own good, ask whoever is keeping you informed on ex-bf's situation to stop...it doesn't help to continually hear this stuff. Moving on is hard enough without a blow by blow account of what he's had for breakfast!!!
Posted By: JksD Re: This is What's up - 05/04/16 12:42 AM
Ginger,
You are still so young!

(((Ginger)))

Btw, is there anyway not to agree to your xh's changes in the schedule?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 05/04/16 05:44 AM
HAHA, thanks all, I am not feeling too young...... I think the reason is because I never did what I was supposed to in my 20's and 30's. Divorced in your 20's with a baby ages you a bit. I am an old soul. All I want to do is settle down and have a little security and someone to make dinner with and cuddle on the couch with.

Wii- I actually do appreciate the friend telling me what he did. I know he knows I was really struggling with wondering if he ever cared. This was a validation he knew I was seeking and he gave it to me. Well, I thought it was what I needed, I thought it would make me feel better, but surprisingly I got more hurt when he keeps saying all these words and has had zero action. Love is most certainly an action.

So, I ended up back in the online dating pool by accident. My Iphone 6 broke, and I went back to my iphone4, and I had the POF app on it, and I logged in out of curiosity. It started blowing up with messages. One guy had a great profile. Single father, looking for the same things in an R, lives very close and sent me a normal message that wasn't "hey". However, he kind of has zero personality, over messaging anyways. Maybe he is different in person. We may have a date next week. What struck me was that he said if we did hit it off, since we were on opposite kid weekends, he would switch. I have always switched for everyone else. The weirdest thing for me was to fill out "does not want kids". I changed it from when I set up the account long ago. he asked if it was set in stone. I told him nothing is set in stone, but it is definitely how I feel now.

There was another guy I "matched" with on the tinder-like portion of the app. He is a single dad who is a nurse:) We spoke briefly but he was so tired from a triple shift. But he has personality. The only thing is, I think he lives in PA. AHHHH!

The good news is, I thought I would be frightened and completely turned off by the online dating thing. To my surprise, I felt a little excitement.

My honest to God fear is I will not have a connection like I had with exNG. It was one of a kind. We were insanely comfortable with eachother, yet excited about it, we told eachother everything, no matter what (apparently something he misses a lot) everything was just right in that sense. Our personalities were so much alike and we were so real with eachother. The ability to conduct an adult mutual relationship just isn't there. We would have been perfect together if it wasn't for that. Which is hard to reconcile. Hopefully I will be able to find both again. If you ain't got hope, you ain't got nothing!

I agreed to this one change with ex before the blow up. We are flexible for the most part. It was my fault for saying yes, I forgot about my IC appt. Otherwise, I would have told him no. I am getting so much better at that word. It was funny, him and his sister always said I was a "yes" woman I never said no.It was true, because everytime I did, I would feel the wrath. Now, I don't give a crap anymore.
Posted By: Cadet Re: This is What's up - 05/04/16 06:11 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
We were insanely comfortable with eachother, yet excited about it, we told eachother everything, no matter what (apparently something he misses a lot) everything was just right in that sense. Our personalities were so much alike and we were so real with eachother.

Not sure I agree that he told you everything.
If he had been totally honest I am not sure
you would have either gotten together or broken up.

Food for thought.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 05/04/16 06:21 AM
Ahhh, a very good point you make. We didn't tell eachother everything. I had no freakin clue there was a chick on back-up.

The sad thing, you are right, he wasn't totally honest with me, because he wasn't totally honest with himself. No that he was honest with me, but he would always verbally express his feelings which I believe in his head were honest. He just didn't know how to show they were true. And maybe they weren't and that's why he couldn't show them.

Which is why from here on out, I will surely need action. That's a deal-breaker. And it was a deal-breaker for me in this R too.

I speak a lot about how he let me go, but truth be told, I did recognize this and I was the one who gave him the "ultimatum" as he likes to call it. He chose directly to someone else instead.

You are right Cadet. Better, healthier things ahead.
Posted By: BeginningAgain Re: This is What's up - 05/04/16 11:12 AM
Ginger,

Trust me, something better will come along and when it does you are going to be sooooo very happy that you and ex-NG didn't work out!

Good luck "fishing"! :-)

BA
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: This is What's up - 05/04/16 03:24 PM
I agree with BA! You just don't realize it yet - but ex-NG wasn't "the one". He isn't good enough for YOU!

I met Josh online. I was 48 years old. I had no idea how to "date".

I've met you. You are a vibrant, intelligent, wonderful girl. The right man will be lucky to meet you. And he will know it. He will also embrace Gabby and everything in your life. And you should not have to move to find this.

I believe in you. When you told me about NG - I didn't feel that confident about him for you. I felt you were willing to "sell out" for him. He should have been willing to do that for you.

Enjoy testing the waters. The right fish is out there. Hope we get a chance to meet again. I will always remember our time in Disney - supposed to be one night yet we ended up at about 3 or 4 events - loved it all!

Barb
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: This is What's up - 05/04/16 04:53 PM
I agree with BA! You just don't realize it yet - but ex-NG wasn't "the one". He isn't good enough for YOU!

I met Josh online. I was 48 years old. I had no idea how to "date".

I've met you. You are a vibrant, intelligent, wonderful girl. The right man will be lucky to meet you. And he will know it. He will also embrace Gabby and everything in your life. And you should not have to move to find this.

I believe in you. When you told me about NG - I didn't feel that confident about him for you. I felt you were willing to "sell out" for him. He should have been willing to do that for you.

Enjoy testing the waters. The right fish is out there. Hope we get a chance to meet again. I will always remember our time in Disney - supposed to be one night yet we ended up at about 3 or 4 events - loved it all!

Barb
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: This is What's up - 05/04/16 04:53 PM
Oops. I must have hiccuped...

Barb
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 05/05/16 08:29 AM
BA and Barb, I hope I soon find the same faith you guys have for me! I'll get there eventually, it's just a dark, confusing time for me right now. I took a really fun Zumba class night last and found myself smiling and laughing which was certainly a good sign. And shaking my big old booty.

Barb, Disney was honestly one of the most wonderful times of my life. Not only did I get to meet you and Ryan and the women who care for him, but it was the first time in a long time I could recall being full of joy, at peace, and I remember saying to myself, while watching the Christmas Light parade at Magic Kingdom (this was after you know who said "I love you" for the first time) "this feeling is what I've been waiting for for so long, and everything just made sense. Hopefully, I will get that back, and I will become the me you you described (and thank you:)

Of course the one guy I actually want to meet lives in PA! Not far away PA, but atleast an hour. I've already been told to "F*ck off" by one guy ( his profile said he wasn't looking for anything serious, I told him I was, and said good look finding his match and he went off on me). This is going to be quite a trip! My last online date happened 2 days before I met exNG. It wasn't bad at all, actually it was a nice date.

I'd prefer the old fashioned way of meeting a guy, but I don't think I will get that lucky.

What will be will be.

P.S.- barb, I have 2 more chances to go back to Disney this year, adult trips only. I really hope to make it back one of those times, but time and finances are tight!
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: This is What's up - 05/05/16 02:16 PM
Hey G

I hope you get back to Dis too. I got an email from them that it was 180 days before Rys next trip & I could book dining so I opted for Chef Mickey's - either dinner or lunch and can you believe it? Already full! I'd better book my Scary Halloween tickets soon then.

An hour away is not so bad. Josh and I were an hour and a half apart. We only met on weekends and took turns making the trip. But with job and daughter that could be problematic for you.

Yep - lots of jerks online but then - there are some gems too. Trick is to find one. Keep the faith,

Barb
Posted By: JksD Re: This is What's up - 05/06/16 07:38 PM
Oooh I would love to go to Disneyland alone with kid someday. We went when she was a kid but the trip just sort of svcked. I could never understand how anyone could be so grumpy in the land of magic!

Ginger, keep on keeping on! We will look for unicorns together. And if we can't find unicorns, maybe a horse with a fake horn might do? wink
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 05/09/16 06:48 AM
JksD, I highly recommend you go to Disney alone with your child. I was blessed beyond belief that my dad and stepmom gave us our trip for Christmas 2014, which we took Nov 2015. Grand Floridian, meal plan, park hopper, all I had to pay for was souveneirs and plane tickets. I told my ex when he left that I get the first Disney trip! However, years kept passing, and I never had enough money. My dad wanted us to do it right and not have to worry about money, and it was unreal. I was nervous about it being just me and her, but honestly, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. What an amazing experience to share. We met up with friends and their kids in epcot, we met up with barb a few times (even managed to run into them on "it's a small world" and we got to hop into their boat! The rest we shared as mom and daughter. And guess what? You get the best seats to dinner shows because there is rarely just 2 people, so they put you right up front! I think we both will treasure that trip forever.

So, I have had a run of really bad luck lately. Everything is going wrong. I'm not kidding. Not life altering bad luck, but a contant stream of stupid inconvenient happenings that just won't stop. One of them was my phone getting water damage. It's gone, done and I couldn't back it up. Which meant I lost a lot of memories. I managed to email myself all the Disney pics before the battery went completely dead, but I lost a lot of stuff. Nothing was backed up, apparently. Thankfully I post entirely too many pics to facebook, but now I am thankful, because I can save them from there. But yes, I did lose memories and videos and snippets I was holding onto from you know who. It was probably time to let go of those anyways.

So, I am realizing I have lots of good things in my life, and I am a huge a$$ for them not giving me joy. I still cognitively realize this, but I am still pretty depressed and cry a lot. I make every effort to focus on the good, feel joy from the good things I have, but I am failing right now. It is weird when you cognitively know your blessings, but can't derive joy from them, because the things that are lacking are taking over. I know this is wrong, I know this borderlines ungratefulness, and I need to figure it out. I am sure I will at some point. I'm going to keep trying. Seeing my IC this week finally, hopefully she can help.

I'm hoping this is just a bad period, and I need to just endure it until it's gone. Jamaica in less than 2 weeks, I am praying that is my reset button where I can really take the space I need to put things in perspective.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 11:28 AM
Ahhhh, the good ol' days of 2x4's. I think I have one coming to me......

I made a move, I don't know if it is right or wrong, guess I'll find out tonight or tomorrow. It was not one that I sat on for 48 hours but one I sat on for a month and a half.

I can put so many details, about why I did what I did, but its not necessary now, I just know I needed to do it. Random people, like my foot doctor who hasn't seen me in a while look at my face and ask me if I'm ok. Everyone does. I look a mess because when something won't get off my mind, it affects my functioning.

So, last night, I texted ex NG. I asked if we could talk. He said yes. I need to clear one thing out of the air before I am able to be with the both of them in the same place. I need to clear the air so I ccan be right with myself again and move onto bigger and better things. So, he said he might have dinner p lans with a friend, he may not go, but to give him a call tonight.

I am nervous as I can be. My intention is not to rehash the past. he just realized I unfriended him from FB.(he never goes on, but I guess when he did he tried not look me up, and found we were no longer friends) Asked friend why. I figured this was the time to explain why.

I need to do this. It may not have the results I desire, but I think it has been the burning desire to just hear what he has to say about his immediate new girlfriend, whether its what I want to hear or not, might bring me some peace and I can be in the same place as them.

I've held everything in from his except from that one email, which I don't even think he got. I have STFU except for that since we broke up, and it's eating away at me. And you all know how horrible I was at STFU with my ex. I did it differently this time, but I need to do this because so I can move on, get an ounce of closure, and finally try to enjoy this online dating thing, hahahaha!

I still have goals for my future, and I want nothing standing in my way. I know I am the one standing in my way right now, but this is the only way I think I can get out.

You can beat me up, but a little luck would be nice. Hopefully it goes smoothly, I get some answers even if I don't like them, and I can move on, and we can all be at the same place at one time.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 11:31 AM
I think I left out, and I can't edit, we may be attending a mutual event this summer. I realize, even though those who know me, I would go into this event, hold my head up high, have a great time, but seeing them together with no answers, even bad ones, would cause me much pain. It's the truth. (and this event may be the one we met at). So, I need to do what I can to be cool with me, him and her. I hate having ill feelings towards people. I want to have compassionate feelings.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 11:37 AM
Well - "Good Luck" - that's what you need from me. In my experience these conversations do not go well. Or at best - they leave you with more questions than answers. I suspect he will tell you what you want to hear, even if he's lying. Not sure how helpful that will be.

The thing I don't understand is why you all have to be in the same place? Is that a metaphor? He lives far away.

Sing the Frozen song G. It is time

Barb
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 11:40 AM
Ok, I read it now. I would NOT GO. That's easy. Choose not to go.

I went through this for years. Every time I tried to heal with ex I talked to him or met up with him and it was like ripping off my healing scab and I started bleeding profusely all over again. But he was the father of my children. ex NG doesn't deserve this much credit. He is gone he has Let It Go.

Barb
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 12:02 PM
I don't want to miss out on events with my friends. I don't want to be the one who felt bad, so she stayed home. I really enjoy that event, and I still want to.

I did make a deal with myself. Whether this does help, or doesn't help, it's my last effort. I know the potential downfalls. Right now, I am still bleeding profusely, so, I hope it does the trick, but if it doesn't.......

.....I swore to myself, I would crank up that song!

But yes, I am going into this knowing it may make me feel worse. But I already feel crappy, so, eh.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 12:05 PM
Ginger, I'm not staying its a bad idea to meet with him, but don't hold your breath until you get a answer. You may never know. This past summer (18 months after BD and 9 months after S), I asked Mr P for clarity on something that had been eating at me. He had no answer. I'm not sure he knew. Just because you ask doesn't mean you'll get an answer.
Posted By: job Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 12:18 PM
Ginger,
I understand why you have this desire to speak to him and get it all out on the table. You may come away from this meet-up and/or conversation and still not have the answer you are seeking. I do hope that you can keep your expectations at zero and be able to acknowledge and accept that you've done all that you can do and realize that you deserve far better in life than this man. Ginger, when you least expect it, Mr. Right will appear.

I want to wish you the best of luck and hope that you get the answers you need to finally let him go.

BTW, Ginger, you may want to think about starting a new thread, as well.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 12:23 PM
Thanks Sunny,

I think it's less about not getting an answer, but more about letting him know that I am aware in the time we were deciding what to do, he was getting to know his GF. I just want him to know I know. And let him know how it made me feel that he went from me to her like that. Does that make sense? That's what's really bothering me. I actually know the answers. I know exactly what he is doing and why he is doing it. Probably more than he does. And he is actually someone with a great heart. But I just feel everything needs to be out on the table.

With my exH, I tried like an idiot for years trying to get him to give me a "good" reason for what he did so I could understand it. I was awful. I sent countless emails, had countless verbal arguments which all ended awfully. Eventually, I did give up and accept him for who he was, his OW for what she was and the situation for what it was. He did a bad thing with no remorse. I just ended up learning over the course of time what kind of person he really is. I just couldn't understand how he could do what he did to his wife who just gave birth to his baby. I wasted a lot of energy and time focusing on this, when my time should have been spent just enjoying my new baby girl watching her firsts, and half of that I don't remember because I was in such a dark place, and it regret it everyday.

Which is why I am need to do this. If me just letting him know what I know, even if I don't get not an answer can bring me back to life a little (the rest is my work, I know) well, then It's worth it. I feel pretty bad as it is, I don't think it could get worse.

And I don't want to miss anymore of my life. There are great things out there for me, so whether or not this works, I know it's the last step in my journey. There is nothing more to be done after this, but live a great, fulfilling life.

And go to Jamaica.
Posted By: RosaLinda Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 12:25 PM
You do know that you most likely will not get the answers you're seeking, right G? And probably won't like what you hear. And if you do like what you hear, you might be hearing a pack of lies.

I understand why you feel the need to do this; it will be hard for all of us to face him again. But it will be good, and I'm all for talking it out with exNG, if it helps you heal, brings you a bit of peace, and helps you to move on.

Good luck. Remember -- YOU are a gift -- awesome, smart, pretty, loyal, kind, worthy of love and of all good things in life. NG is a loser. You don't need him. He does not deserve you.

Job is right - keep those expectations at zero, get what you have to say out, and move on.

PS congrats on becoming a moderator Job!!! It's well deserved!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 12:44 PM
Thank you all for being supportive.

My expectations are nil, and I am expecting no answers. Actually, I really don't want to hear any answers.

Just looking for peace. And yeah, maybe my unreal expectation in all of this, is that we all could just feel ok around eachother. I really do care for him. And I actually know he really does care for me. I just want it to have ended on a good note in my heart.

I'll start a new thread tomorrow and let you know how it all goes.
Posted By: job Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 01:59 PM
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 02:03 PM
Hey Job - I also noted your name in Green and want to congratulate you on becoming a moderator. You joined DB on my birthday -- long before I had any inkling I'd end up here. I originally joined DB on Nov 2, 2001 under the name Travelbarb on the MidLife Crisis forum. Had to change my name twice since then but I do have a long history here.
Thanks for always being supportive.

Barb
Posted By: kml Re: This is What's up - 05/11/16 04:18 PM
Ginger -
Maybe you should examine why you want to be the peacemaker here? You don't have a child with this guy, I understand why you had to do what you did with your ex, but this guy? You're free to be pissed off at him. You don't have to make everything alright for everybody. Let him be the uncomfortable one at those future events!

He left you hanging while he was already pursuing his next girlfriend. What do you expect him to say? "Sorry, I'm a dog"? "Sorry, I just didn't feel for you like I feel for her?" "Sorry, you were starting to bug me so I chose a girl who is less demanding?" Seriously, there is no answer here that is going to give you closure and make you feel better. Guys who are good guys don't start new relationships without ending old ones.

Personally, I think the thing that would give you closure is to yell at him, tell him you know he started a new relationship while still involved with you and that was a shi!!y thing to do, and that you would appreciate him staying far from your life. But that's me.
Posted By: job Re: This is What's up - 05/12/16 06:51 AM
New Thread:

Peace
© DivorceBusting.com