Joe's New Life - DivorceBusting.com

So I am over here now!! It is weird, but when I first came to this forum, I was trying to save my marriage like everyone else. I look back now and I think I knew that my marriage couldn't be saved. I don't think I wanted to admit it, but I was not happy in my marriage. I stayed and I tolerated things for my kids. And the fact that I hate drama and wanted none of it.

I was not able to save my marriage but with the help of this forum, I was able to save myself if that makes sense. I admit I was not the perfect husband. I am working hard on my issues. My counselor is helping me work on why I tolerated the intolerable for so long.

I have often thought of coming back here so I could payback to others the help that was given to me. The thing that has kept me from that is my views have changed from where they were before. I believe now that when these situations come around and an affair is involved, a person definitely needs to clean up their end of the street, but no one deserves to be cheated on. Today because of how I have become, if I was in the same situation again, I would have asked her to leave as soon as the cheating started!

Sometimes things come up that bring me back to the feelings I had during that time. I can't tell how much better and at peace I feel not having to deal with that anymore. No wondering, no trying to figure out what is truth and what is lies, no tension, no drama, no feeling like I am not good enough, no guilt trips.

I am on a different journey now. I am learning as I go. I working on me. I am looking forward to what God has in store for me. Sometimes it is scary and lonely, but that passes. Life is GOOD!! I am so thankful today and everyday!!

Good Morning Everyone!! So I have decided I would like to stick around and try to be help where I can. I can at least lend support here. I am grateful for this place and the people here.

I am taking my time dealing with my divorce. I think the feeling of sadness I feel is more for my marriage and the good times we had. I am at peace with my divorce, but at the same time this is not how I thought things were going to be. I love my children so much and now I will have to deal with them being gone during Christmas and in the summer. I will have to deal with another man in their lives also.

I just realized why I was feeling a little down and maybe sensitive today. Last year I coached my daughters 3 on 3 basketball team. It could not have been at a better time. It made me feel good inside. Something I love to do! I had alot of fun! The girls did really well! This year most of the girls wanted me to coach again. One of the girls asked someone else to do it and just took over everything. I was looking forward to it again. I am a little disappointed. It might sound silly, but doing things that I like are important right now. It helps me heal and helps me with my GAL things. But I do have plenty of other things to get done. So onward and upward!

Joe welcome here.

This forum does not get as much activity but some of us have
been around the block a few times.

What else do you have to get done.

I am taking a you tube course on behavioral-biology from Stanford right now.
I had started it one but each video is almost 2 hours long so it is a large investment in TIME.

Of course these days my gift is lots of that commodity.

Thanks Cadet! Yeah I have noticed there is not much action over here. But thought I should post anyway.

Your You Tube thing sounds very time consuming! But interesting. I have been reading mostly. Books about boundaries. Getting ready to start a new one on being a single father.

As for other things, kids keep me very busy! I am looking forward to the nice weather coming and getting back out on the golf course! And also some fishing!

Joe,

I'm glad to hear you are doing well. I can totally relate to spring fever-it's 80 here today and I keep wondering why I am not on the beach:)

Georgiabelle!!!! Oh my gosh!! It is so good to hear from you!! 80!! Man I bet that is nice! Not quite that warm here. Was 68 yesterday. S7 and I had a good time out playing football! Had to take a break from the NCAA Tournament!! Man what a crazy tournament! My bracket is absolutely BUSTED!!!

Joe

Linked thoughts from my thread.

Until Monday evening I have added Vanilla as a search idea.

Accounting and physiology are a weird combination especially in Bedford.

It could be that we contact colleagues in common.

Interesting thoughts on anger.

V

So I was thinking of this place and all of you over the weekend and how far I have come. Thought I would stop in and give an update!!

Not a whole lot has changed. My kids just came home from their summer visit with their mom. D13 was not happy!! Too many lies told by her mom. Too much of her summer wasted doing nothing. Too much rubbing her new love life in D13 face. Don't think next year she will be going as long. S8 was fine except he missed his Dad. But his mom pretty much spoiled him. She knows he is young and can be bought. EXW knows D13 knows the truth of what she did and can not be bought.

I am beginning to recover financially. Have a few more bills to catch up on that ExW ignored. But my credit is improving and I like the feeling of having everything paid on time and good credit. I was able to get a couple credit cards to help build my credit faster. It has really paid off. EXW really did a number on my finances!! I could say that I feel sorry for the guy she is with now and what she is going to do to his finances, but I can not tell a lie!!

I spent the summer playing a ton of golf. Working on my social life. Working around the house. Been doing pretty good so far!!

Hi Joe!
I can certainly empathize with the changing views since going through this journey. My experience has been the same. I came here when XH filed for divorce in the aftermath of his affairs. I took more than my fair share of blame for his choices, reasoning that problems don't happen in a vacuum and while he made poor choices, I contributed to making him vulnerable to do so. I still feel that way to an extent, and yet, I find myself much less forgiving of those choices now, and am less inclined to want to encourage others to stand with a WW spouse. In my time here, I have met so many others who have remained faithful through much more challenging circumstances, so it's increasingly difficult to excuse such behavior in general. In my case, I ultimately had the option to reconcile, but I never saw real change from XH. He was never sorry, and never took responsibility for his actions. To this day, he paints himself as the victim of our story. I'm not sorry I tried to save my marriage, but I also know it's something I would never do again. I'm not sure that's a bad thing though.

Congrats on the financial progress! It's a great feeling when you start putting the pieces of your life back together.

Do you have big plans for the rest of your summer with the kids?

Hey annab!! Sounds like you are doing good. I definitely can relate to Ex painting themselves as the victim!! Luckily I have not heard any more of that BS since I told her to only talk to me about the kids and only through text or email.

Yes I am very happy to start getting my finances put back together!! There is so much I have lost and will never get back!! But at least I am not having to deal with the stress of ExW not paying the bills and mysteriously not having any money!! LOL!!

I don't have too many big plans for the rest of the summer. Kids start school this week so our summer is kinda gone! We will still get in some fishing trips and hunting season is coming. Kids also like to golf with me so we will playing as long as the weather holds. How bout you??

Fishing trips and golf with dad sounds like a lot of fun! I tried to play golf once. I would have been really awesome at it if it were called "divot" instead of golf, since it seemed like I was much better at making dirt fly than the golf ball.

School started back here almost two weeks ago, so summer has pretty much ended for us too. But that's OK...I am definitely looking forward to fall and some cooler weather (hopefully soon). We moved and I started a new job recently, so am mostly just trying to get settled and develop a sense of normalcy again. All in all though, life is really good. Can't complain.

It is just crazy how soon school starts in the Fall now!! Don't get much of a summer!!

Good for you on the move and new job!! Hope it is doing something you enjoy!

The cooler weather sounds good to me also!! That brings football season!!:)

Hi Joe! I SO identified with your first post I just read. I, too, came here trying to save a marriage that wasn't going to be saved. Ultimately, though, I consider myself a DB success, because though I didn't manage to save the M, I saved me. So, I TOTALLY get what you are saying. Welcome to this side of things. Wishing you all the best! I am definitely enjoying the fruits of my labor, so to speak, now and I'm sure you will too.

Originally Posted By: Dawn70

Hi Joe! I SO identified with your first post I just read. I, too, came here trying to save a marriage that wasn't going to be saved. Ultimately, though, I consider myself a DB success, because though I didn't manage to save the M, I saved me. So, I TOTALLY get what you are saying. Welcome to this side of things. Wishing you all the best! I am definitely enjoying the fruits of my labor, so to speak, now and I'm sure you will too.

Hello Dawn!! Thank You! I too am enjoying the fruits of my labor, so to speak!! My stress level has changed so much. I used to get major headaches and pain in my neck. Hardly get that anymore. My self confidence has come back. I still had bad days once in awhile. I am stronger inside. I have learned about what I will and won't tolerate.

Kids are doing good!! Still have a good relationship with my stepkids. D13 and S8 are getting ready for school. Both are excited! Stepsons baby is getting big so fast!! I visit with them quite often. Stepson chose not to visit with his mom last time she was up here. Said it was too uncomfortable with her affair partner there. I guess ExW tries to reach out the them once in awhile, but they don't talk to her. Alot of anger and hurt they are going through.

Hello Everyone! It has been awhile since I posted here. I have been reading some on and off. Trying to catch up. It is so funny how I get busy moving on with things in my life and then one day run across something that brings me back to here. It feels really good to remember what I went through back then and where I am now. I have learned so much and I am continuing to learn.

Kids are doing well! Been busy with school, basketball, boy scouts and other activities. I am doing well. Busy with work and kids stuff. Became a board member for the golf course here and I am now running for school board member. I am doing lots of things that I never did before!

I was reading one of V's posts about the fear of the future without someone to share it with. I admit that I have gone through this myself. I like to think that it is just a stage of the recovery. I am taking those feelings as a sign that I need to focus on myself and growing and experiencing new things. My faith in God's plan helps me get through it also. But it is not easy. I miss the companionship sometimes. I dabble a bit with the online dating thing and it is weird to me. I have met a few people and I have learned from each experience. I am also learning what I want in a relationship and what I don't want. I see the red flags now! I am in no hurry to date. Just taking it one day at a time!

Joe,

Welcome back!

I've merged your two latest threads together. Please post on one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies in the future.

Thanks!

Great to hear from you

V