Hey all,
My life has kind of been on autopilot for the last few months so I haven't posted on my own thread in quite some time. So long that I figured I'd just start a new one.
I'm doing fine, engagement is going great and I am really blessed in my life right now. Most exciting for me is that I found out about 6 weeks ago that I am going to be a first time grandfather - I couldn't be happier about this!
My D34 who lives in Wisconsin is due in April 2016. She is coming for a visit next week so it will be so cool to see her.
D18 (almost D19) is doing super well in college. Although she is only in her second year, she now has enough credits to qualify as a Junior and could graduate a full year early (May 2017 instead of May 2018).
D17 has submitted most of her college apps and is waiting to hear from her 1st choice - Florida State University - on December 9th. If selected she will enroll in their First Year Abroad program and attend school in either London England or Valencia Spain beginning in September 2016. If she isn't admitted to FSU (which is unlikely given her grades and SAT/ACT scores) the rest of her college choices are much closer to home here in Virginia. While I'd love her to be close, I can't help but be excited for her to get into FSU and experience
The real earth shattering news comes from my Ex. She broke up with her boyfriend (actually he called it off) after a 3 year long relationship in July 2015. She met a new guy through eHarmony in late August 2015 and after just 2 1/2 months is now engaged to him.
They have set a wedding date for Feb 28th, 2016. According to D17, her mom has already bought her wedding dress. D17 isn't too thrilled with her Mom's engagement as she has only met the guy about 3 times. D18 being away at college has only seen him a couple of times. I've talked to them both and they like the guy they just think their mom is rushing things (ya think!) However when my ex gets an idea in her head there is no stopping her.
So that's all the news from my neck of the woods.
BA
Wow - seriously, how good of a choice can this guy be if he's wiling to get married just 6 months after meeting? I could (maybe) understand impulsive 20-something kids doing such a think, but for grown adults with a marital history to be so stupid, does not speak well of either one of them.
I got married after six months and it lasted 17 years...but it was an immigration issue that forced us to make that decision so quickly. I was stressed out of my brain making that decision. If I didn't have to I wouldn't have. Why would anyone in their right mind make such a decision so quickly...oh yes, REBOUND!
Hey BA,
Glad to hear things are going so well in your neck of the woods. Seems the moving in together has gone well and your girls are on track.
Congrats on the baby to be! How exciting. I so look forward to becoming a grandparent though my kids are not near ready. Seems all my friends are getting there first despite the fact I had kids before they did.
You are the wise one, taking your time. You ex is obviously still in "that place" where she may always be. Or always was but you just didn't see it at the time. That's how I've come to look at my ex. I do worry about the effect of her actions on your kids but there is nothing you can do about that.
Wii - I never realized the circumstances of your getting married. That would Really make me concerned about getting involved with someone new who also wanted to become a Canadian citizen. I wish the best for you but be wary.
Thanks for checking in BA!
Barb
Thanks! Frankly I was starting to wonder if my oldest daughter was going to have kids. She has been very education and career focused for quite some time. She and her husband of 6 years have wavered back in forth whether they wanted any or not so it was a bit of surprise when she gave me the news.
In reading my original post above I realize I left off some words regarding D17 and going to school overseas. I meant to say I was excited for her to experience a year on her own in Europe - however with yesterday's horrific news from Paris it makes me think twice about her doing that. I guess though the evil people who perform these terrorist attacks could conceivably do the same thing over here as well.
As for the Ex and her fiancé's quick decision to marry, I can't figure it out either. To make things even more interesting is that he has been married twice and the second one lasted mere weeks as (according to him at least) he found out shortly after the marriage that his new bride was bi-polar and had been married multiple times and she had never confessed up to them. Who knows what's going on over there. As long as no harm comes to D18 and D17 my ex and him can do whatever as I don't care. I think if my girls were younger i.e. pre-teens I would be more concerned. However D18 is already out of the house and D17 leaves next summer.
Well I'm heading out to chop up some firewood. It's supposed to get down to 32 degrees tonight and I think a nice fire in the fireplace is in order for this evening.
BA
Don't worry Barb, I'm not involved with anyone and my last gf already had her PR papers in. Voldy was here as a university student and therefore was allowed to work one year here on a permit. She was trying to get her status but an immigration consultant ripped her off for $5000 (that's another story)...so it came down to us having to make a decision. Now, back to BA!
Big congrats on becoming a grandfather! I did not know you had a daughter my age! You look too young! From what my dad says, being a grandfather is the best thing!
God knows what your ex is doing. As long as your kids are ok. That's the most important. My coworker was actually married 22 years to am abusive ex. After being single for a while and giving up after some bad days, she gave one more a shot and they got married after 6 months. They recently celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary, but her girls didn't talk to her for a year. They were a little younger than your youngest. They talk now, everything is well and she's happy. But I hope she is prepared to handle any conflict that might arise.
Glad to hear you are doing well!
When I was getting ready to go back to Denmark, Lockerbie happened. I thought about it and realized that I couldn't let terrorists control my life and I also needed to stay alert. Kind of like visiting a big city here in the US.
I had some great advice from my supervisor when I was a flight attendant. There had been the crash in PA where everyone died and they were from my base. I was a mess. He knew I was going to be quitting soon but didn't want me to do it just then. He said that I needed to get back up there and keep flying until I wasn't scared anymore otherwise the fear won. I took his advice and am so grateful for it.
As for being a grand parent, Congrats. They are so much fun but they can wipe you out for sure. Enjoy.
kat
Congrats, BA!!! You sure have a lot of positivity swirling around you. That's no accident, ya know.
It's so exciting to see our children follow their dreams and achieve the goals they set for themselves. I completely understand your emotions regarding her being away, but you know they'll always consider you their rock, and they'll not be too far from you.
Hugs and hope to see you in a couple weeks!
Bets
Big congrats on becoming a grandfather! I did not know you had a daughter my age! You look too young! From what my dad says, being a grandfather is the best thing!
Thanks G - but you are too kind and perhaps your due for an eye exam with your Optometrist! :-) I am looking forward to this new phase in my life of being a Grandfather!
BA
Thanks Bets! I do hope we can connect while you are in town and congrats to your daughter on progressing to the Elite 8!
BA
Just want to let you know that I'm moving in for awhile. I'm renovating, and need a free place to stay for a spell.
I don't have much to say anyway. I'll be a quiet and unassuming guest. There's just not much happening with me right now. I'm waiting for D21 to get home from school on Monday before I go into full fledged whacko mode. Duly warned!
Bets
As I said on your thread - the door is open - you're always welcome, especially if you are accompanied with a fine bottle of scotch! ;-)
Happy New Year! It's 5:00 somewhere, so I come bearing a bottle of virtual single malt. Neat or a rock or two?
My quick update, since I'm not posting anything about what I'm doing on the alt until it's all said and done. It's moving week for me, and after being in my house for 16 years, it's HELL. Pure hell. I'm sore and tired of my ever growing to do list. But I'm seriously happy it's something that is happening and not on my radar.
I'm doing lots of trips back and forth because I don't have a load of boxes and it's fairly close. The movers come on Saturday to move the furniture. I have a lot to do between now and then. D21 leaves for her final semester tomorrow, and D18 heads back to school for her last semester on Wednesday. She has her first Project Unify basketball game on Wednesday, with another on Friday. That means a load of laundry for me on Wednesday night. Yay? Oh, and the snow is moving in tonight. After a beautiful weekend, I'm not so hot on moving in snow...
Once I get moved, then the work on my current house begins. Painting mostly and some repairs. With some consistent effort, I'll have it on the market by the end of the month. I can't say enough how happy I will be to get this all settled and start living again.
I'm postponing my resolutions for 2016 until I get this elephant out of the living room. But rest assured, it will be Betsey-centric. More healthy living. More exercise. More joy. Both girls are graduating in May, so bring it on!
I hope 2016 is everything everybody has prayed for... and more.
Hugs!
Betsey
Thinking of you Bets! Where did the holidays go? I was trying to get work done that wasn't available on my second job. Not fun. I meant to call but things would get crazy and well here we are.
We are definitely going to set a time to catch up once your world slows down. In the meantime Happy New Year! This year is going to be so much better.
hugs, kat
Hey Bets!
I guess its the year of New Beginnings for you and your chickies. How wonderful is that despite the grunt work of moving, taking classes, and hauling your butt all over the place to get the desired result(s)? No? Yeah!!!
Now I have this burning question for you as I have the memory of an elephant (thank God no more MLC swiss cheese brain):
Have you meet
The One over the last month as predicted by the psychic lady last year??! Do you recognize him yet?
Inquiring minds want to know....yeah, I am such a wide-eyed Pollyana hanging out in the beer section.
Wonka! How the heck have you been? I've missed you!
Wow, I have menopause brain and totally forgot about her vision! Sad to say, if I *did* meet him, he's probably packed somewhere.
I've met a few guys, but one is post-D and a mess, and I'm not even sure the other one is available. Unless he's carrying a tool belt and driving an F -250, I don't know if I'd have even noticed him?!?!
Just maybe my move timing is delaying this a bit. Or maybe I should switch teams?
I'm sitting here in my family room, watching hockey on my last night with both girls in this house. We're reminiscing a bit, and thanking this house for giving us plenty of great memories. It's strange. D21's bestie is dropping by tomorrow morning before we head to the airport to "veg for the last time in her home away from home". That kinda brought a lump to my throat. It's all good.
Can I buy you another beer?
Happy New Year! It's 5:00 somewhere, so I come bearing a bottle of virtual single malt. Neat or a rock or two?
Hi Bets - I'm taking my scotch neat please AND in large quantities as it's been that kind of week, month and more. The job is really kicking me in the butt! Non-stop with lots of late hours. Only thing getting me by is that each day I complete is one day closer to retirement - just wish that number was not in the thousands! :-)
Moving [censored] - I've done it more than a dozen times having been in the military and then after retiring I married my now ex still had another 12 years of service to go. I have lived in my current house for 5 1/2 years and that is the longest I have lived any one place in my entire life (yes my parents moved around a lot). Anyway, I'm looking forward to only one more permanent move when the lovely retirement date arrives in about 1600 days - give or take a few!
Best,
BA
BA - you got it. Neat it is. I don't know why work gets crazy after the holidays? Seems to be the case when you need to ease back into things, right? Good luck.
I haven't been a frequent mover. Maybe when I was single and needed to apartment shop or roommate shop. But since I've been married, I lived in our first house for 9 years and this one for 16. And it still svcks! Keep your eye on retirement... that sounds really good!
Today is more of the same, but it's snowing and cold. Oh well. I'm warm, wearing my Uggs, no makeup and heater turned up. It's all good. At least until I start moving more stuff. My current load is bedding, then tonight I start in my kitchen. Haven't decided on the pantry or dishes. Big decision.
Now for something weird. Amusing weird. My D18 is participating (I use that term loosely) in the Special Olympics Project Unify basketball at her high school. It's a blast. Every year, they have a statewide tournament down at the Pepsi Center on the afternoon of a night the Nuggets play. It's been mid to late February until this year. Wouldn't you know it's Sunday this year? The worst possible day for me. But it required me to pony up for tickets to the game at a great discount just to get her and us in, but they're great seats. I bought one for her dad, knowing he's typically up for BB and watching the kids play.
He informed me 2 days ago that he's in work hell and that for the next 2 months, he's going to have to work a lot of weekends and might need me to take more of his. Okay, that's fine. I'm okay with that. So he told me he was working this Sunday and that he couldn't go and that I could find someone else to go. He *could* have ended the conversation there. Right?
Back when we were newly divorced, my D21 told me that his BFF had a massive crush on me. Um, no. Hell no. He finally told me that a little later, and I point blank asked him, "Are you crazy? What are you thinking? We could double date? NO!" We haven't spoken about the BFF in that context since then. It's been at least 8-9 years.
So after he told me I was free to find someone else to go with us, he said, "BFF would LOVE to go with you." I replied, "I think I'll call Melissa. She loves all things D18 and sports."
I had about 20 minutes to get myself grossed out before calling D21 at school and telling her I needed to say some words so they would go away. I told her and she got quiet before saying, "I have NO idea why one earth Dad feels he needs to be R's wing man. That is just so disturbing. I'm sorry, Mom. WTF?"
Indeed. WTF?
I'm going to let this one go until we take our road trip to NY for D21's graduation. We're driving out together so we can carpool back with all her crap after graduation and take turns driving. THEN I'm going to bring this up and tell him to knock it off. I will NEVER, EVER date his BFF. And I do mean NEVER.
Welcome to my bizarre world. If I wanted a man, I'd have one. I'll find one on my own. Even though his BFF has a big a$$ truck and would probably move everything for me if I asked...
Blech.
Back to reality. Happy Thursday to everyone here-
Betsey
Since I'm here... I'll do a quick update before I get back to sales. I need to sell more stuff.
So the move has come and gone, and there have been numerous trips back and forth to haul the crap that wasn't packed when the movers came. I've made a lot of progress, yet there is still so much left to do. I'm kind of overwhelmed, but I'm not sure why, since the heavy lifting is mostly done?
The kitchen cabinets in my former home are being painted today, and next week is a tightly scheduled cadence of services: tile cleaning on Monday, carpet installation in the bedrooms on Tuesday, house cleaning on Wednesday, staging on Thursday, and professional photographer on Friday. The sign is out (coming soon) and it will hit the MLS next Friday. And as mother nature does, we are expecting a foot of snow on Sunday/Monday. My carpet guy seems the most concerned, but I figure it is what it is. I'll deal with it later.
I'm ready for this show to be over. The only stuff left to move is some stuff in the basement and the garage. I can do that intermittently.
In the meantime, life goes on. I don't hear much from my D21, though she did text me last night that she nailed Love Shack at a bar karaoke night and everyone told her she was awesome.
She turned down a permanent job with the company that hired her as a summer intern last summer. I know she'll turn this into a story with a happy ending, but all I can say is WTF.
D18 is doing basketball and plodding along. She's been a little confused by our house thing. Probably because we keep going back to the old house to haul loads. But she only got mad once, so I figure it's all good. We've been really enjoying the gas fireplace, which puts out a lot of heat. I had a wood burning one in my old house, and I just didn't ever have the energy to do it. My D21 was the fire junkie. So that's been nice.
Now all I need to concentrate on is selling. I need more projects in the pipeline, so that's my focus right now.
So that's it for now. I might be crazy when this is all over.
Hope you guys all dug out from the snow last weekend. My folks are totally over it, and are fortunate that their furnace went south on Tuesday and not then. God was looking out for them, for sure.
Have a great weekend-
Betsey
Time for an update here, since I'm avoiding FB lately. My Lenten resolution is to offer more compassion across the board. With my friends and family (a handful of them, but a vocal minority) posting dividing political stuff, I've decided the only way I can work on my compassion is to stay away from stuff that bugs me.
I mentioned to Kat that Murphy decided to come be my shadow for several really crappy weeks. The snow and cold made painting my kitchen cabinets a disaster. They had to redo them all with an oil based paint, and it just delayed everything. Then my brand new roof leaked. That wasn't the roofer, but a hideous ice dam that expanded the length of my north facing roof, was 4 inches deep and 5.5 inches thick. I won't tell you how much that cost to mitigate and resolve the problem. It delayed putting my house on the market, and I was none too happy about all the unexpected problems that kept cropping up.
It was just one misery after another, and on top of that, my technical employee resigned to chase his dream. The mom in me is happy he's doing it, but the business owner is kind of unsettled. I'll get through it, but I was super unhappy for a few weeks.
That is now behind me, and Murphy fled. My house went on the MLS last Wednesday at 11:30 am, and by dinnertime, my house was in a bidding war. I was under contract later that night, for $9K over the asking price. It was a complete shock to me, and I think all of us were a little stunned at how it played out. But I will admit that all the upgrades and staging really helped that cause. I'm scheduled to close on March 25, but they're trying to move up the date a week, which is fine with me. Inspection is Monday, and my fingers are crossed that it will do fine.
D21 is coming home for spring break in mid-March, and I hope that I'm completely done by that time so she can enjoy her visit. It's hard to believe she'll be 22 on Monday and graduating in May. It's going to be a pretty busy few months, and I'm really wanting to get back to the gym and start a healthy routine for myself.
BA, the 3 of us are heading out a few days before Memorial Day weekend for my uncle's burial at Arlington. Your hideous weather sure got things backed up there - he died in August. So maybe we can catch up then?
On a super happy note, it's been very spring like here for the past 2 weeks. The forecast for the next 10 days looks great - today we're supposed to hit 71. No complaints here. But I remind myself that it IS winter, and we'll probably pay dearly for it in March and April. I'm sure D21 won't be thrilled about that - she said this winter has been the worst the entire time she's been in NY. I felt kind of bad for her this past weekend - where it didn't hit zero until Monday. She said the snow and overcast just made for a super cold and depressing time. I had to remind her that she just might be traveling here at the worst possible time.
In the meantime, D18 and I are just getting used to our new digs and new routine. I'm really enjoying it, to be honest. Once I get finished with the lengthy to-do list, I should be golden.
Hope all of you are enjoying yourselves and that life is good.
Happy hump day!
Betsey
Sheesh, Bets, you have been through the ringer lately. There is truth to "when it rains, it pours." I'm glad Murphy has exited the building and things are beginning to come together.
What's D22's plan after she graduates? Is she coming home?
Seems like everyone is doing well.
Don't forget to take care of yourself. I often forget that. Putting everything and everyone before yourself burns you out. I do also know sometimes we have no choice. I took 2 weeks off of school and now I am at the freakin' doctor every other day. 35 has been exceptionally rough on me,lol.
I still plan on making a visit one of these days, when things settle down for the both of us.
hope to see you back on the alt soon!
Ginger,
You're so frickin' right about amping up the self care. I do need reminders to schedule those things. I have a visit with the chiropractor tomorrow and need to schedule a massage (which is paid for) sometime next week. The whole purpose of this downsizing thing is for me to have a lifestyle that energizes me. Thank you so much!
35. LOL. I turned 35 a few weeks after D18 was born. It seems like a lifetime ago.
I didn't get to finish my post! I was going to hit a smiley emoticon and I hit submit instead!
Yes, things are quieting down. Mr. Wonderful gave me a gift last night - he ripped up a $200 check I had written to him. Yee ha! He can be awfully nice when he's not trying to be a dick...
Anyway, we are driving out to NY to bring D21/22 home after graduation. She turned down a job with the place she interned last summer, and her dad is fairly disappointed since it was good money. But she doesn't want to work in the computer industry (and I don't blame her) and I've taken up her champion flag. Her degree will be in chemical engineering with a minor in biomed. She applied at CH2M, which is HQ'd here, hasn't heard back (they're hiring), but hoping she can knock on some doors when she gets home for spring break. She'll go anywhere.
So the funny thing is that her dad was her champion when she graduated from high school and the tables have turned. He's decided when he drives her back, his wallet is closed for business. I've already told her she can stay with me at no charge until she gets an offer that she wants. Sheesh. She's motivated, so I don't know why he's acting like his dad. Memo to me: remind him of that. It might make a difference. Anyway, we'll probably talk about that in great detail when she gets home in a few weeks.
And you know mi casa es su casa anytime you want to come out my way. We'd have a good, rocking girl time!
Hugs-
Betsey
I am not sure I should thank you for kicking Murphy my way!! D15 stepped on and broke her glasses. She is about as blind as a bat without them. Oh and the dishwasher theoretically will be coming to my house next Friday...a whole week away.
kat
May I post on this thread as I do not want one of own? By the way, Murphy has attacked me lately too, is currently attacking me too, as I will be visiting the Er as soon as I send gabby off to school.....
Anyways, you all know I've been dating a guy for almost 6 months. It's been rocky due to distance and the whole " I was not going to get into a relationship but I didn't know I was going to fall for you" he's had huge life changes, and freaked out on me a few times and it almost ended. I visit him way more than he sees me due to him having to run his business. We actually just got back from vacation together with our daughters. We had said our "I love you'd" a while back, but he stopped with one of his breakdowns. He's slipped a few times, but he really did stop. We act like we are in a relationship but won't use the word. We have a great time together. I adore his daughter, she adores me and gabby adores him, and the girls adore each other. That part is a dream.
However. He is going through his self proclaimed selfish phase and can't commit to anything. Not even dinner reservations, lol. Not kidding. He does not make plans. And has expressed his desire is to be able to just call him girlfriend and have her be available so that everything fits perfectly into his life. We'll, it doesn't work that way when you date someone who has a life.
I love him. I really do. But I have to be up there on someone's priority list. I also need someone who will not fight loving me. I've been through this, giving my all, but the person I am with is unable to retun it. It is eating me up inside, especially now kids are involved. But I must put my needs first. I'm afraid I'm going to have to end it if he can't give more and it just breaks my heart into tiny pieces. But I am important and worth some compromise. Something in tend to forget.
Im scared to have this talk. I think D8 will be really upset. Seeing them together brings a tear to my eyes. She thinks he is so great. She'll hug him, hold his hand, and she doesn't do that with guys. Our kids get along amazingly. His daughter comes to me when she needs something or wants something or doesn't feel well. And when him and I are together, we are great. Although this vacation wasn't 100%, long story, but we have something special. But he distances himself so far from me when we are apart.
I don't know if I'm asking for advice or venting. But I am so scared to do this.
By the way it's 4 am, I haven't slept, I'm on a massive amount of pain meds that aren't working and I'd be at the hospital right now if D8 wasn't sleeping soundly. My health has sucked in the past 2 weeks.
Some days, I just wish I could catch a break.
Ginger,
First of all, I hope you get some medical relief from your woes. You sound miserable, and I'm so sorry you're in pain. I also think the pain is making you uncomfortable in other places, and that's natural. That being said, do you need to have this talk or think about scheduling this talk when you're feeling so crappy?
Do you remember the pursuer-distancer phase when DBing? You can DB through this as well. I don't have a magic ball, and I can't see the truth or the future, but from what you've described, I think he sounds scared. (I hate when people get scared and don't talk through it.)
Why not drop your pursuit (without being cranky or cold or doling out punishment) and see what happens? Let him pursue.
If you have to, use feeling awful to tell your D8 that you need some time alone and with her to recuperate because you think it's not a good idea to travel or do anything other than what you need to do to get healthy.
And when you're feeling much, much better, you give yourself permission to have the talk. BTW, when that happens, I'd say what you said here. Be honest and tell him what you want and need, and don't apologize for it. But right now, your first priority is to get better.
BTW, Kat, I didn't kick Murphy your way. LOL, Murphy leaves when he wants to leave and not a moment before. He's a really sh!tty "guest".
DB your way through this, Ginger. Take back your control. You can do this.
Hugs and sorry no narcotics..
Betsey
Glad to hear the good news about your house selling so quickly, Betsey! And that Murphy has left the room! And that V is graduating and coming home. So great that you have a home for her, and that you welcome her. I caught up on your posts this week just now, and it seems so strange that her dad can change from moment to moment like that, ripping up a check you gave him, and duct taping his wallet closed when it comes to helping his daughter. These guys are so confusing.
And Ginger, so sorry that your tooth is not better. And that your boyfriend is having such a hard time committing. I also think that he sounds scared, because I have seen in person how much he loves you. Betsey has good advice for you -- both to hold off having a relationship talk when you feel so crappy, and also to remember DBing principles regarding pursuit and distance. And when you're feeling up to it, having an honest and open talk.
Hang in there honey, I hope you feel better.
t seems so strange that her dad can change from moment to moment like that, ripping up a check you gave him, and duct taping his wallet closed when it comes to helping his daughter.
If you knew his FOO, you would be able to connect the dots. He grew up in a household where it was expected to be completely self supporting when the time came (that time was arbitrary, in the eyes of the beholder). For him, it happened to occur when he graduated high school. He left Montana for Arizona, and his dad told him when he was packing up his truck to head south, "You're on your own now. So don't call me for help." He didn't come home for the summer, but took classes, since that line was crystal clear.
I always wondered why someone would say that to their kid, and always felt bad for him. He worked a job nearly full time and went to school. I don't know when he had time to do anything else (though I know he did, because I've heard the crazy stories), since he graduated from college with a degree in electrical engineering in a little over 3 years.
I think he's conveniently forgetting how much he didn't appreciate that sentiment from his folks? I mean mine weren't planning on me coming home to live with them for the rest of my life, but they were always willing to support me in my endeavors - however it worked itself out.
In the end, I think it's how each of us was parented. I happen to like my way better.
I seriously doubt that living with me and her sister for the rest of her life is in her master plan, so why be a hard a$$ about it? Her school's career fair is next week, and I think it's all good. Her adviser told her when she declared her major that chem e's go last in recruiting. I think she'll be fine.
Besides, I love my kiddo and want her to have a safe place she knows when she needs it. Even if it's a new, strange place LOL.
Feeling any better, Ginger?
I finally got my tooth fixed, my dentist is the bets and met me in the office and did a root canal on me. I think the ED doc thought I was a drug seeker, but I was on the verge of hitting myself in the head with a baseball bat to make the pain go away. He did give me one dose of do lauded which sort of helped and held me over until I saw the dentist.
Bets, you are right, I have to go back to Db and the whole distanced/pursuer thing. Sometimes it feels like games I need to play so I try to avoid it, but this time I distanced. He did not contact me yesterday at all, was very distant the day before, but I got an idea from a little birdie what was going on. And I had mentioned I won't tolerate this a second time. I have not reached out to me. I will not either, until later today, to tell him this isn't acceptable. I had a nice convo with a friend where we discussed my worth . I'm a huge fiver in relationships, but I seem to pair up with takers. This one isn't vicious about it. He really is just so confused. It's a long story I'm not going to post on here.
What it comes down to is that I truly do love him. But I did learn from DB and from life, I have to love and respect myself first. I deserve to be treated a certain way. I give a lot in every relationship I'm in, not only my romantic ones. And if he's not in a place to give, that's fine, I understand, I just want some honesty. I'm not a person who someone should take from until sow thing better comes along, or they have no more to take from me.
I do hope this works out without me having to sacrifice my respect for needs. But what will be, will be.
In the meantime I have a 5:15 MRI appt because there is a lipoma on my spine, and then out with some friends. I took off school for 2 weeks and it's been nice not dedicating my free time to that.
Now I need to start feeling better!
Ginger,
Sometimes these relationships are meant to teach us. Teach what? 1) That it is possible for you to find love with someone who loves you back (huge, in my book); and 2) There are teaching moments with ourselves as well - like stating your needs (boundaries).
I'm sure we both came from different, dark places. In my past, I'd have made his behavior as the reason I was unhappy. Somewhere along the line, I learned that he was behaving out of a place of fear (as your fella seems to be doing) and not to bug me but because he was genuinely fearful. I accepted that, but I wouldn't accept the disrespectful manner. So I stepped up to the plate and said, "I need straight communication from you and for you to ask clearly for what you want. If this isn't possible, I need to know." And then I'd sit back and see if anything changed. Then I was free to act on that.
Hear hear to feeling better!
After not feeling well all day yesterday, I realized the skin on my abdomen hurt. Kind of like a rash was developing or something... until I lifted my shirt and saw the telltale shingles blisters. There are only 3 so far, but my skin hurts like hell. I can't take the antivirals (they cause my heart rate to speed up to dangerous levels), so I'm stuck with feeling crappy for the next 4-6 weeks. My clothes are going to hurt - especially pants. I live in pants. This is the opposite side to where I got them in 2012.
Today is my now D22's birthday. Hard to believe. D18's birthday is next week. For her celebration, she has an EEG scheduled. I'm sure we're all going to be happy then.
So remember when you talk to him: it's not about how he's behaving, it's about how you feel. Once you do that and word it that way, you're a whole lot more likely to get honesty in return.
Bets, it's like you knew what transpired this morning
Today, I did ask for what I wanted, and explained my needs. And he told me he couldn't give me what I needed so he said he can't see it working. He didn't want to live with the guilt of not fulfilling my needs.
I'm heartbroken and devastated. I've just been crying at work. But I am proud of myself that I didn't try to stop him. Tell him I will settle for just what he could give me. I wasn't asking for a lot. Just some effort in seeing me and making time for me. But he can't, he won't, work, distance, whatever. I was going to break it off myself if he couldn't give a little more. But always in the back of my head, I hoped he would want to. I can't make him see the light, like I couldn't make ex, like I couldn't make a different guy I dated, and I shouldn't have to. And right on, bets, I told him this is how I feel. Didn't make a difference. But it made a difference to me. I expressed some needs to have some compromise in effort to make this work.
he was my first love since ex, and in the short time, I think I felt more connected to him than ex. I am going to miss him horribly. I feel awful for the kids, there was a special bond formed in every direction. One that you can only pray for as a single parent trying to date. I took this picture on vacation on the beach at sunset with him and the girls, one in each hand running down the beach and the way D8 was looking up at him makes me cry every time I look at it.
I've dealt with heartbreak before, I'll just deal again. But I'll tell you this much, I think I'm done dating until D8 is atleast 16. This single parent dating with young kids is too much.
Happy Birthday to D22! I could have sworn she just turned 21 like a few months ago! I am sorry about the shingles, I know they can be very painful. I would say elastic waistbands and a bandage to cover them up. And try the best to decrease stress, because that's when they pop up. R&R and celebrating national margarita day might do.
Ginger,
Sending virtual hugs your way. I know that conversation hurt, and I know it was hard to hear.
I think splitting up with the person I was with for a couple years after my D was super hard too. In some ways, harder than the D. I completely understand how devastated you are.
But I'm really proud of you for standing up for yourself. Your needs are important, and there is nothing you can do if someone else isn't willing to make a situation improve or compromise if they want to be with you.
I wouldn't be surprised at all if he comes back in a few months and says he's changed his mind. It will be up to you if that happens.
But I'll tell you this much, I think I'm done dating until D8 is at least 16. This single parent dating with young kids is too much.
I made that same decision for the exact same reason. Only I said 18. At 16, D22 was in the heart of her club volleyball stuff, being recruited, and I was kicking her in the a$$ to get her moving on college selections (she was super resistant). It was a full time job!!! I had no more energy to be with anyone else during this time, because this seemed to be the time in her life when she needed me the most. (That surprised the heck out of me, BTW. You always think that little kids need their mom the most.) I was like her project manager, and she was so busy with school, taking the SAT, that kind of stuff.
Now here I am. My D18 turns 19 next week, and what I value the most are my friendships. I really enjoy making plans with friends and doing stuff with and for them. Who'd have known? Give me a margarita with my friends... ANY.DAY. Not saying you'll make that choice, but I am a fan of being present for the kids. Not if the parent is truly unhappy. But I think a sacrifice is for the greater good.
You'll have the good memories to take with you, Ginger. Those are yours to keep and cherish.
Hugs G, the best thing is that you now know you can love again!
Thanks guys. It has been a rough day. I fell asleep early last night and woke up at 12am. I as exhausted at work and had to sleep in my car at lunch. I'm sad. Just very sad. For many reasons. Especially for gabby who just couldn't stop talking about him when I picks her up yesterday. She compared her dad to him. And painted him in the positive light ( as we know, ex can be a self-esteem deflating douche, and he's being like that with D8 again). She wrote in her journal about our vacation and particularly him, and asked if we could go to his house this weekend. I cried because I'm a poopy mom and she figured it out. I splined it to her well though.
For once, I am not tempted to each out to him. But I do wish he would reach out to me wanting to give me the little I ask for. But that is simply wishful thinking. I cannot compromise my needs which are not extraordinary.
I got to love again. I tend to love to hard. And I do that to people who can't/won't reciprocate. I see my IC tomorrow and I need it. She's very comforting yet keeps me real. The tears pop out of no where. I'm not good at breaking up.
I just miss him. But there is nothing I can do about it, but feel it, move on, and take my memories with me.
Good news is I got my yearly review at work today and it was really good. Which equals decent raise. Unless our new CEO took those away. My only not perfect area was productivity, which I know is because I've been doing schoolwork during work ( I know, I know) and my job is so darn boring, I have to look away every now and then. I've also been doing well in school despite the balance. I've got a little break and will be back next Monday.
Now, I need to get my butt in shape with exercise that won't bore me or her site anymore of my disks. Taking kickboxing away From me now is no good......
His daughter also left a bunch of stuff here, and I'm going to just mail it back without a word. I've been putting it together and I get so sad. I'm going to miss her.
This is why I can't do this again until D8 is older. I'm a bad mom for letting this even happen before having a commitment
You're so not a bad mom! Okay, so now you know why the experts advise waiting one year before introducing a SO to your kids.
Use this time as a teaching opportunity to your D8. Show her how to manage a breakup. Be vulnerable without putting her in the position of being your confidante, but be real with her. It will come in handy some day.
Hugs-
Betsey
Thanks Bets. I don't partincularly believe in the year rule, because I think if the kids don't like eachother or the other partner, you are better off finding out sooner, rather than later. However, I should have waited until there was more of a commitment to the future for us. It was my mistake and I have certainly learned. I've definitely sued this as a teaching experience for D8. I am proud of how I handled that portion.
Funny, I found out he doesn't think we are broken up. However, I haven't heard from his since. But I had a tear free day yesterday. It helps that I have learned how to value myself.
How are you feeling Bets?
Hi Ginger - sounds like we have some similar situations right now. My first BF after D broke up with me a month ago after I voiced concern that he wouldn't tell me why he was "busy" (still trying to wrap my head around that one - details in my thread) and he responded that he felt too constrained and couldn't give me what I wanted so he didn't see this working. I have a lot of the same feelings - glad that I communicated my wants/needs, proud that I didn't give in and lower my standards or try to beg him to stay with me or convince him, but also really sad that he wasn't interested or invested enough as I was to take what seems like a small step up in communication/sharing (when I felt like I was already making a ton of effort and prioritizing the relationship). I am still not coping well and it's always in the back of my mind - the woulda shoulda couldas, how did I get 6 months in and not realize we weren't going to be a good fit, could we have been a good fit and I just blew it up by not being independent enough, etc. I hope you're doing better than I am and fill me in on any tips you have
Ginger-
I think that "year" thing is meant to be a milestone mark to see how serious things are - the commitment thing. I agree that the calendar shouldn't dictate that, but maybe the commitment should? I dunno... it's water under the bridge for me at this point.
BTW, I'm feeling ok. It's been so dry here, and yesterday I woke up with a bloody nose. So I decided to declare it work from home day and called it a day before it began. That way, I could wear comfy clothes for the shingles. They're not nearly as bad as my first round, and right now, my skin hurts, but the blisters itch. Lovely visualization for you?
Kgirl... the first serious R we enter after a D (especially if we haven't done enough self work and healing) is the one that trips us up. We're vulnerable, on the needy side, and willing to give more than we should. You sound like someone who meets all this criteria.
I got some good advice from a friend back then to learn how to date this time around and pay attention. You're much younger than I am, and have already been D, so I'm guessing you don't have experience really dating? I didn't do this when I was younger, so I had to learn this in my 40s: dating is the time when you should be trying on lots of shoes without buying for awhile. Pay attention to the fit. If the shoe is not 100% comfortable, put them back on the rack!
You sound like you need some self work on a few things: 1) your self confidence; 2) self worth; 3) and repairing your filters. The last one I think would help you with 1 and 2.
If you find that the two of you communicate poorly, figure out why. If you make changes and he doesn't respond, he's not going to change. If you excuse him for treating you more poorly than his friends, it's a red flag. Why would you agree to that? If you prioritize the R more than him, why would you want to be in a R with a taker?
There are a slew of great book resources out there. I'm going to throw this out there because it's my origin. I don't know your story, so please understand it's coming through my filter. I made excuses for others because I grew up in a very codependent household with a drug addict brother. My mom (primarily) moved the bar for him. We wouldn't accept crappy behavior or accept friends that stole from us, but we would write his behavior off because he was family. NO! Codependence is a devaluing formula, and it is not healthy or productive, and it causes suffering if we don't cure it.
I went to Al Anon for several years just to get a handle on my codependence. Melody Beattie has a great book, and I highly suggest it for this reason. I've observed a lot of filter damage (not paying attention to and acting on red flags) where codependence is a problem.
Promise yourself to fix you before you get into another R. You deserve a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship, and you're going to have to prepare that garden before you ever start planting seeds.
Your personal foundation should consist of some type of mission statement. Who are you? What purpose do you want for yourself? How would you map out a purpose driven life? If you can identify that blueprint and devote your time and effort into creating that life, you are going to find your independence, self confidence, and you're going to be a healthy long term R prospect. BTW, Rick Warren has a great book on this, and there are workshops. Imagine your horizons being broad, with endless possibilities. Feed your soul. Everything else is the cherry on top. Have an intimate R with yourself and see how much happier you are...
Dream big and go make it happen.
Betsey
p.s. Rick Warren is a Christian writer. You can leave out the religious references or exercises if you're more comfortable. Or you can substitute the word "universe" or "being" if you are more in tune with your spirituality. Suit to fit your belief system.
KGirl,
I am sorry to hear about your R. Every R is a learning experience where you learn about yourself and relationships. My guy is actually a great, loving guy. I feel lucky to have met him and have loved him, and have him in my life. That is probably why I am so sad. Our timing I think was just off, and circumstances just may not work, even with the best people in the world. I have learned through this process that my needs matter and he is still a good guy even if he is at a place where they couldn't be met. I did not want to become resentful, neither of us deserved that. Who knows? Maybe our worlds will collide again, maybe they won't. Sometimes, circumstance just stinks.
Keep on keeping on, and don't give up!
Hello everyone! It has been a while since I've posted and been on the boards. Haven't caught up with all of the threads, but I'm getting there.
Ginger - very sorry about the bf situation, but better to come to this realization and decision now than much later on and bravo to you for standing up to what you deserve!
Bets - Hope the shingles are getting better. As I mentioned before, I'm not a fan of them at all having had them myself.
As for me, life has been fairly smooth until this weekend. My ex-wife was married on Sunday. This was to the guy she met through e-Harmony back in late August. I received a scathing "FU" text message from her at 12:36am on Sunday morning (drunk text perhaps), lambasting me because her two sisters and their husband, who were in town for her wedding, came over to my house to see me and my fiancé on Saturday and had lunch with us. She has had issues in the past with me staying in touch with them, telling me that I have my own family and this recent episode sent her over the edge. Never mind that it was her sisters who asked me if they could come over and visit. I had not seen one of the sisters in almost 3 years, so I was glad they wanted to come over. We spent about 3 hours visiting. They (the sisters) have told me straight away that they didn't divorce me it was their sister and they will always consider me a part of their family. One of them said that they wished at times that they had gotten custody of me in the divorce instead of their sister. What I find hypocritical about the ex's criticism about all of this is she stays in constant contact with my two oldest kids (from my first marriage) and considers herself a grandmother-to-be to my soon to arrive first grandchild.
Anyway, she has pledged that she is done ever communicating with me again - which I'm not sure how that is going to bother me, since that should mean I no longer have to read obscene middle of the night text messages! :-)
In other news, my lovely fiancé and I a few weeks ago set a July 10th, 2016 date for our wedding and this weekend promptly decided to postpone it. Not for relationship issues, primarily out of fiscal and timing issues. My fiancé is a consultant and the contract she is on expires in March and it looks like the company is not going to pick up the renewal, so she could be out of a job which is stressing her out money wise. Additionally, we were feeling constrained by the amount of planning we need to do and the timing required to get it done. So we said it's not worth it to be stressed out over something that we both are very much excited about and want to do right. We've decided that next year, 2017, is a much more reasonable target both fiscally and planning wise. Once we made that decision we both felt a sense of relief. We both already feel married and know that our relationship is solid. The ceremony is for legal issues and the focus is and always has been on having a great party to celebrate us - we want to do that the right way, without feeling rushed into it and without worry of expense.
That's it for now. Have a great week all!
BA
BA,
I'm sorry I've been AWOL - this moving stuff has occupied 100% of my time, energy and money.
Your XW sure sounds like a doozy. All I can do here is shake my head. What a total mess. Your kids are so fortunate that they have you as their rock, and my guess is that each of them realize you are, by far, the stable parent. That being said, I had to laugh at the part where she's done communicating with you. LOL. Just say thanks?!?!
Good for you and Carol navigating the actual wedding date. You both sound so happy and grounded. Isn't that the most important thing?
I'm in the countdown to closing - 15 days. D22 is flying home tomorrow for spring break, and she's going to help me finish moving the last 5-6 loads out of the basement and garage. My contractor is going to finish the last couple items on the inspection punch list on Tuesday. There's one last hurdle to clear on the 17th - when the buyers can object to any loan changes - which I seriously doubt will happen. Still, I'm not letting my guard down. It could all go south in a minute, but I'm cautiously optimistic.
I think I told you (not sure???) that the girls and I are flying home on May 25th to go to my uncle's funeral and burial at Arlington on the 26th? Hopefully, we can get together? I realize it's a holiday weekend and you might have other plans. And besides, you know that I come home a few times a year anyway...
That's all I have for now-
Betsey
Hi Bets,
Just got back from Wisconsin visiting my oldest daughter who is 6 weeks away from making me a first time Grandpa! Had a great time and it was nice to have a couple of days off work!
I hope the house sale goes smoothly without a hitch! I've got no plans for Memorial day yet, so would love to get together, scotch it up and introduce you to Carol!
BA
BA,
I've been following on the alt, and everyone looks so happy! Congrats about your new adventure into being a grandparent. I'm told it's the bees knees.
Quick update.
We're in the middle of a spring blizzard. Schools are closed and I'd be home if I hadn't have been sick yesterday (when it was 73). Conditions are awful, but I'm caught up for the moment and my Keurig is getting some use today. We're supposed to get 10-14". And tomorrow we'll be back in the 50s. Go figure.
Tomorrow I close on my house. It has not been a smooth ride, and the buyer's realtor has turned out to be a total biatch. She's not only a biatch, but she's got a malfunctioning chip where it pertains to being reasonable and compassionate. She is neither. My realtor, who I think you probably figured out on the alt, is my friend who is a cop in his primary job. Fortunately, we both feel the same way about her; even more fortunately, we don't feel the same way at the same time. At any given moment, either one of us says, "let's just walk and tell her to f*ck off".
Last Friday, a friend suddenly passed away. He was the father of D22's twin friends. His wife is a good friend of mine. The funeral is going to be sometime this week, and I told my realtor that. When the buyer's realtor demanded more work to be done by me, he told her we were out of time and that I had lost a friend. Her answer? "We all have sh!t happen. So what?" He put it into perspective by saying that he has had many more reasonable conversations with people who are headed to jail. Nice.
On a sweeter note, D22 had a good spring break with us. Her dad and I had a few laughs at her expense, though. Her friends at Mines were also on break, and she went out with them and came home with an awful case of the bottle flu. LOL, it doesn't seem like that long ago we were her age. At any rate, before we left for the airport on Saturday she told me, "I love the townhouse. I really didn't think it would ever feel like home, but for some weird reason, it does." I told her, "that's because it's our stuff there, and home is where the heart is. Since D19 and I are there, it's home for you too."
And for Harry Potter aficionados... I have a powder room on the main floor near the kitchen. It's handy! Her BFF came over and she was giving her the tour. She got to the WC and said, "and this is our Harry Potter bathroom." I just looked up and realized that the WC is under the stairs. I had to laugh at that. From now on, we'll call it Harry's room.
Pray that Ron and I can make it 24 more hours. We both need to start our respective weekends with this monkey off our back.
Happy Easter!
Betsey
I really didn't think it would ever feel like home, but for some weird reason, it does." I told her, "that's because it's our stuff there, and home is where the heart is. Since D19 and I are there, it's home for you too."
Until she makes her OWN home which I am guessing will not be too long from now since graduation is just around the corner.
Hey Bets!
I saw on the news the Spring snowstorm you are having. My oldest daughter who lives in Wisconsin is getting slammed later today and tonight with up to 18 inches of the white stuff!
We're suffering here in Virginia with some mid-week 70 degree temperatures (sorry!).
The warm weather is bringing out the cherry blossoms early this year and the peak is expected this weekend. I'm flying my mom up from Florida next week for a few days so that she can get a chance to see them and enjoy some time visiting with my girls (and me and Carol of course!.)
Wow, your buyer's agent sounds like a real tool!!! I mean who really needs to be that much of an a**hole in life! Well hopefully the whole situation is soon quickly in your rearview mirror of life.
Death has not escaped both of us this past week I'm afraid. I had a work colleague pass away on Monday. She was a young mother of two little boys. She had some PTSD issues from her service in the Marine Corps, and I will leave it at that. So very, very sad. Her husband is still in the service and was deployed. He is on his way back home.
Let us know how the closing goes! Give the buyer's agent a good swift kick in the a** on your way out after the documents have been signed! ;-)
BA
BA,
The snow has stopped and I got 18 inches!!!! Holy cow. Can I just say how very happy I am to be living in a townhouse with a garage and no more shoveling? Technically, I still own the other house, and I have 24 hours from the end of the storm to shovel... My 3 car driveway and sidewalks. And closing is at 11:30 tomorrow.
It was 73 here yesterday!
Yes, their agent is a tool! I just hope my neighbors get nice new neighbors. The new owner is an oil company executive. We're just hoping he's still employed tomorrow. Fortunately, they're requested to sign at a different office of the same title company at the same time. Ron was adamant that we not close together, and I think that was wise. She's made this entire process way more stressful than necessary.
I'm so sorry to hear about your colleague. That's so sad. I'm really sad for her children.. To have to grow up without their mom. My friend was one of the nicest men I've ever met. He and his wife have the most extraordinary love story. It started with an ad in the newspaper a long time ago. Very sweet.
I'll let you when I'm no longer a homeowner. Living mortgage free is going to make my life so much easier. Now I can kickstart my retirement savings. Happy days ahead!
Enjoy the cherry blossoms. I always loved spring and fall at home best. My mom has the most beautiful magenta azalea in her front yard. Whenever it was my turn to bring flowers in May to crown the Virgin Mary, I always begged mom to let me take a bunch of them to school. Just thinking about that plant makes me happy.
Cadet,
True that! But it's kind of funny. I still call Falls Church home. No matter what, when I tell people I'm going home, they look at me funny. 'Cause Denver is home too. My heart just knows it lives in 2 places. My folks live in the same house I grew up in... We moved there when I was 4. When the day comes that I have to sell it, it's going to feel awfully weird. Then I'll have to consider the cemetery home?
After all, I'm heading back to FC to be buried when that day comes, LOL. Hopefully not soon. I'm still getting settled in here.
Since I'm here...
The closing went off without a hitch, and I'm now a carefree middle aged broad without a mortgage. Can I get a yee ha?
Since then, my D22 has taken center stage - working through her frustration in the job search and feeling like a ship without a port. We had a long chat on Saturday, and I just left things for her to mull. She came back with a plan that has apparently worked. BTW, her BF suggested she highlight her success on the volleyball court because he felt those skills translated so well in real life (he's right, and I suggested that a long time ago to no avail). Anyway, she got a call from a company in the pharmaceutical industry today and they want to schedule an interview. The money is good and it's located in CT. Rosalinda just might be able to wave to her across the sound.
In the meantime, I'm plodding through spring break. D19 has a kidney ultrasound tomorrow, and we're going to a funeral on Saturday. Not much of a break for her, but you have to do what you have to do. I bought myself a Roomba last night. It seems like a bizarre extravagance (it is), but for some reason, I convinced myself that life will be easier with it. Taking suggestions on what to name her. Not Rosie. Everyone names their Roomba Rosie.
Peace to all of you.
Betsey
rover? or Roger? I named my mopping Roomba Scooby, Like Scooby do. lol They are cute little helpers.
kat
I bought myself a Roomba last night. It seems like a bizarre extravagance (it is), but for some reason, I convinced myself that life will be easier with it. Taking suggestions on what to name her. Not Rosie. Everyone names their Roomba Rosie.
Peace to all of you.
Betsey
Name it "Fabio" - make that hunk work for you!
BA
P.S. Congrats on the house closing! Mortgage free - yee haw!!
Mortgage free?!? That is awesome! That must be such a weight lifted off your chest. Heck, a roomba is nothing compared to a monthly mortgage payment! I agree with BA, give it a male name and sit back and have a glass of scotch and watch him work!
I feel for d 22, so many college kids are graduating and unable to fine a job. Just tell her to be patient, keep trying, and be persistent! My persistence got me one job after applying for 2 years and being rejected once. What was her major? The exBF lived in CT, I've spent much time there. I loved going there. It's beautiful, close enough to the city, but rural enough. Pretty affordable too if you look in the right places. And really good radio stations, lol.
I've got to come visit Colorado one of these days. I'm all into doing some traveling, seeing some new places and hanging out with some cool people:)
I've got to come visit Colorado one of these days. I'm all into doing some traveling, seeing some new places and hanging out with some cool people:)
Cool people and places right down here in Virginia! Just sayin'!
BA
BA - Maybe Ginger should plan a visit to VA when I'm there. Then she can hang out with both of us!
Ginger, I'll always have a guest room. I love living here, and I love guests. The welcome mat is out.
Yes, mortgage free. It was the #1 reason why I wanted to sell my house and downsize - in literally every sense of the word.
BTW, I like the idea of Fabio doing my housework. Fabio it is! (Scooby was sounding adorable until BA weighed in. It was an easy visual: who would I prefer to clean my house? A dog? Or a shirtless, buff guy?)
D22 got another call from a different company yesterday. I think her circling around with her new message helped a great deal. It certainly set her apart. Her major is chemical engineering and her minor is biomedical engineering. Oh yeah, her e-mail highlighted the fact that she was a student athlete with a 3.5 GPA throughout her college years. That might have helped too.
OK, time to head to a conference call that I'm hosting. Love you guys!
Bets
Thank you bets! I will make it happy one day and we do appreciate the hospitality! I would LVOE to take a trip down your way, BA! it's just a car ride away! It would be pretty awesome if the 3 of us could meet up.
These boards brought me some great friends from all over. Wouldn't trade that for anything.
Thanks for all the birthday wishes here and on the alt. I appreciate it1
I woke up yesterday and thought to myself, "Self, wouldn't it be fun to just not go in to work and not tell the other guys of your plan"? (Of course, if they had called me, I would have returned the call - I own the business, after all.) My juvenile self agreed, and I had a good time just putzing around the house until it was time to get ready to meet a friend at Bonefish Grill for lunch. Lunch was 2 hours long, so I got D19 from her after school location, we stopped at DQ for blizzards, bought some baseball tickets to see the Mets with my D22 and her BF when they get here, and then we went downtown to see Newsies. It was a great day!
But alas, the birthday is over and it's time to be responsible again. I'm back at work and all is well in my world. I signed up for a knife skills class at a local cooking school Saturday. I hope those knife skills can translate in and out of the kitchen. It's kind of a fantasy of mine to be a secret ninja. Ignoring the fact that I have to put a bench together and finish putting stuff away in the garage, I'm heading up to Fort Collins on Sunday to visit my college roommate, who I haven't seen for 9 years. She lives an hour away, she also has a special needs son, and we're both idiots. I've really missed her. Can't wait. We have the wonderful ability to pick right up with each other. I don't think we'll resume our antics in college. We both finished classes at 9 am on Fridays back then, and by 9:15 we cracked our budweisers. I have many pictures of our barely-after-breakfast antics. Good memories to have of my 18 and 19 year old self, but I think we'll opt for coffee now.
Next Friday, D19 is attending a formal dance called Escape to Paradise. It's hosted by the super awesome kids from Project Unify as well as other kids who have classes with the special needs kids. It's kind of a prom. I bought her a darling dress and some dress flats, and I'm going to deck her out in makeup. I want her to have a really good time. The typical kids who do this are total rock stars. For every kid that makes it in the news, there are 100 absolutely wonderful ones that make this world a better place. I'm happy that D19 is associated with them.
One month from today, my D22 graduates from college. It's going to fly quickly. Her BF is driving back with us and spending a few weeks, as his job doesn't start until June 20. He landed a super job as a project manager for a construction firm, and his assignment is a new Marine Training Center at Camp Lejeune. He's super excited, and loves the idea of living at the beach for a year and a half. I told him that I've been haphazardly contemplating a trip to the outer banks next year, and just maybe we'll take our gig further south. He was excited to hear that. We'll see.
Anyhoo, thanks again for the birthday wishes. Hugs to all of you!
Bets
Thank you all for being supportive.
My expectations are nil, and I am expecting no answers. Actually, I really don't want to hear any answers.
Just looking for peace. And yeah, maybe my unreal expectation in all of this, is that we all could just feel ok around eachother. I really do care for him. And I actually know he really does care for me. I just want it to have ended on a good note in my heart.
I'll start a new thread tomorrow and let you know how it all goes.
posted in wrong place....
But hey, bets, how did the graduation go???
Hey Peeps!
Graduation went very well. It was a long road trip to and from NY, and my butt is still reeling from the sitting. You probably saw some photos on the alt that I actually took. They are surprisingly good! I'm admitting that I'm not great with a camera, but I'm glad she asked me to bring it.
Chuck Schumer was the guest speaker, and he was delightful. Witty and fun and not political. Who knew? Yes, I wept during the ceremony. She was sweet about it, though. Four years ago, she would have had a different reaction.
We've come a long way.
Our big news occurred on our drive home. We were at Mr. Wonderful's tailgate, chowing down on some lunch, when she got her job offer. Oddly enough, it's the same company that her dad and I worked for when we met and started dating, just in western Massachusetts. She starts on 6/20. We're super happy for her, but at the same time, a little sad too. My sister surprised her by letting her know she'd fly out over July 4th, and they're planning on taking the Amtrak into Boston for the weekend. One of the perks at her company is that she has every other Friday off (they work 9 hour days instead of 8).
What I'm enjoying now is coming home to dinner. Her BF drove out with us and he's been a trouper. He moves to NC in June, so we will see how this plays out.
Now that the heavy lifting is done, it's time for me and D19 to get active and healthy. It's my #1 goal now. We're planning on hiking at Waterton Canyon on Sunday, hoping the weather will agree with our plans.
BA, want to drop by my folks' house on Saturday of Memorial Day weekend? They're throwing a party. Come have a drink with everyone, and bring Carol. It's my sister and BIL's 14th anniversary, and the more the merrier! You'll love my BIL - and you have a lot in common.
Job, congratulations on your promotion here. You so deserve that.
Hugs to everyone!
Betsey
p.s. for Cadet and his lady love: D22 will be moving to Pittsfield, which is an hour from Albany. I'll try to make it work to swing a convenient place to see you guys when we fly out.
Hey Bets!
Glad graduation went well and a big congrats to your daughter on securing a great job so quickly after her graduation!!!
My D17 (will be D18 in just 6 days!) is set for her HS graduation a month from now. When D19 graduated 2 years ago we all had a combined after graduation dinner at a local restaurant. XW and her BF attended and it was a nice outing. XW asked me a couple of weeks ago what if I wanted to do the same or what the plan was. So given that, I asked D17 if she wanted to have a combined dinner with all of us or separate ones, that it was her day and whatever she wanted was fine with all of us. She said, "uh no - there's way too much tension". Apparently, behind the scenes XW is still royally p!ssed that I had her sisters over to my house (at their insistence, mind you) for a couple of hours during the weekend of her wedding and doesn't filter her disdain around D17 or D19 for that matter. So we will have separate dinners which in the end is fine with me.
The good news is that I applied for a job here at work that would result in a promotion for me. More than 50 people applied and 7 were interviewed. Last night I got a call from my boss giving me "unofficial" notification that I was selected for the job - so happy dance about that. This puts me at the top Grade of the Federal Civil Service General Schedule and will help immensely with the BA retirement exit strategy!
No plans currently in place for Memorial Day weekend so it would be great to see you Bets and a plus for you to meet "Carol."
BA
Hi all,
It's been awhile and I'm processing stuff again, so I thought I'd jump in here to do that. Before I do, thanks to BA for coming over to the melee and bringing Carol. It was delightful to meet her. I'm sorry it was busy... Weddings and funerals seem to do that. And a special thanks for the wine and scotch. I drank the scotch on the plane home.
So next week, D22, D19 and I will be making the trek to Massachusetts to move D22. I hadn't planned on another road trip, but all her friends who said they would drive with her bailed, and Mr. Wonderful is otherwise occupied, so I'm doing it. I just didn't think it was safe for a 22 year old female to make a 3+ day drive alone while towing a 6x12' trailer. There's so much that could happen. She's really happy about it, so there is that.
Mr. Wonderful can't go because his dad passed away on Monday. He left for Montana after a dental appointment yesterday. That's the only reason he gets a free pass from me. Right now, anyway. When he gets back, however, I'm probably going to give him a come to Jesus talk.
Sigh. I thought I had been diplomatic yet pointed when we drove to NY last month. On that trip, he got grumpy with me for no apparent reason and I called him by his dad's name. He was taken aback when I said it and I told him that he was acting like his dad, and it was a side of his dad he didn't appreciate or like. I told him that he was being a d!ck and nobody wanted to hang out with a d!ck so to consider a different response. He nodded and seemed to get it. Then later on in the trip, he started to go into his a*hole mode so I looked across the table and calmly said, "... D!ck...." and he nodded.
After we got home, I started to notice that d!ck mode was coming back more frequently. And then I realized that he was back with his GF for round 3. He treats everyone like crap when he's dating her. Not my problem. I just call him out when he acts like a jerk with me and he usually stops it.
Anyhoo, last week is when he got word that his dad was in the hospital with kidney failure and that it was the beginning of the end. He invited me and the girls over for dinner on Saturday and we talked about pending plans and had a really nice evening. On our way home, D22 said, "It looks like he's back with her again." I said, "Yep, seems that way to me." She replied, "He's like a damn 7th grade boy. I mean who breaks up and gets back together with their GF 3x? A 13 year old boy!" Then she said, "I'm really not sure why Dad keeps changing the subject when I tell him I want to drive to Montana with him when Gramps dies." I think it was a musing that we both knew the reason, but I let it drop.
He called Monday afternoon to let us know that his Dad had died earlier in the day.
So Tuesday morning, he called me to let me know that he was leaving Wednesday morning and would be dropping D19 off on his way out. Later in the day, D22 dropped D19 off at his house and to pick up his housewarming gift for her. She came home afterward with tears running down her face. I really was surprised and asked what happened? They were not tears of sadness of saying goodbye to her dad...
And then her tears came a little more forcefully. She said, "On my way out the door, I told him I still wanted to go with him and as usual, he kept me at bay. Then he mumbled, "GF is coming with me, and she has a special gift for you. I guess I'll send it." And that pissed her off. She said to him, "I figured that out! I really don't understand why you try to keep your family from me. They're my family too! They're not your GF's family - she's never met them!" He said, "that's why I'm introducing them to her now." She retorted, "You're introducing her--who doesn't drink--to our family--who are raging alcoholics--during a celebration of life and a burial? Are you insane? Who does that?" He looked at her. So she said, "And BTW, I sure as hell hope you and Uncle B ask for an autopsy, because I'm betting he has Korsakoff Syndrome. And for the record, you should be worrying about that too."
I was absolutely dumbfounded. I was a biology/premed major in college, and with a developmentally disabled kid, I think I know more about stuff than the average bear. But I had never heard of Korsakoff. She ran upstairs to change before heading out to play trivia with her friends, so I looked it up on my iPad. And sure enough, it described his dad's symptoms to a T.
She came down and said, "We studied it in one of my chemical engineering classes. I knew the minute we studied it it was what Gramps was suffering from." I said, "What did your dad say when you threw that at him?" She said, "nothing. He just stood there with a blank look on his face."
I swear to God, you guys, I was having flash backs from my marriage and divorce to him. And this reminded me why I found him so frustrating. But it made me super mad that she was now firmly entrenched in these wholly dissatisfying conversations with him. And she's the one who is crying now. That makes my heart hurt.
I've always wanted to slap that blank look off his face. It's the wall he puts up to shut himself off from his emotions. It's also the wall that shuts people out. I want to chew his a$$ out so badly. But like I said earlier, it will wait until we are both home. It's not her fault that he's emotionally stunted.
Before she left, she gave me a hug and a kiss and said, "I had no idea when I was younger, but you deserve a medal for being married to that as long as you were. He doesn't want to grow, and I can't figure out why. I'm so glad you're free from him. For the life of me, I can't figure out how you stayed as long as you did. I love you for this, you know."
I love my kid. She's the best. Too bad her dad is an emotionally stunted 55 year old man with the emotional maturity of a 13 year old boy. She nailed that exactly right.
For the record, on our trip to/from NY, I told him I was calling him out because I was and always had been his friend. I reminded how hurt he was by his R with his dad. He smiled and said, "Yes. You're right. And how is it that you feel safe telling me this now?" I said, "Cause what's the worst you could do? Divorce me? You already did. I'm doing you a favor now." And he laughed.
He shows glimpses of being normal and then doesn't. It just svcks that he's resumed his old R with me with our daughter. You can bet your a$$ I'll be coaching her through this. I did tell her, "I'm advising you to continue your conversation with him after you get settled and the emotions aren't hot. And then I think you should say everything you want to say. Because Grandma P used to blame me for putting the distance between her and you girls. She never believed me that it was her son's choice. Now the truth is out there for everyone to see."
Ugh. So now he's kind of sucking up by texting her. She's okay with it, so he should be glad it's her and not me. Right now, he just pi$$es me off and I want to thump him on the head.
Back to work. Hope everyone else is having an easier time with their former spouses. I can wish that for you, right?
Betsey
Bets, its great to get an update from you. I'm always impressed with how both you and your daughter seem so self-aware and handle difficult situations so well. A couple of years ago, I couldn't have imagined myself doing that, but I think I'm coming along
It's a little discouraging that Mr Wonderful is still being difficult after all these years, but I suppose that's just who he is and it's never going to change. That doesn't really make me look forward to interacting with Mr. Perfect in 15 years, but if I can do it with half the grace that you show, it will be OK. All the best to you and the girls.
bets, your life is never, ever boring is it?
I have got to hand it to you on raising such an amazing intelligent daughter. She clearly gets it from you!
My ex and I can get along for the most part like you and Mr. Wonderful do. However, we are no longer married and he cannot bully me anymore. Just like the R gets a little easier between the two of you. My biggest fear, has always been he would treat my daughter like he did me. I prayed he would not. But he does. And my 8 year old is not old enough to call him out on his sh!t, directly to him, but she sure will to me. She told me a few weeks ago "daddy is such a monster and could be so mean. grandma is so sweet and nice, I do not understand how daddy was born from her". And I know the damage control is in my court.
I have to say it really helps to see that your daughter is so strong as are you in these situations. I'm sad for her that he does not put his daughter first, but the way she handled it is impressive. And off course momma bear wants to thump the idiot in the head.
I hope things slow down a bit for you soon. And if you swing through Jersey on your way up to MA, my home is open to you all, always!
Thanks for stopping by, Sunny and Ginger!
Sunny, the encouraging part is that I've not had these issues with Mr. W. in years. I think this is because I don't have conversations with him where emotion comes into play. I kind of set up our communications to succeed. That means I manage my expectations and steer the conversations to generic, friendly and about our girls.
Ginger, I miss you. If you could conveniently move NJ to somewhere in the middle of NY, that would be great! That isn't to say that NJ won't be part of my plan sometime in the near future. It probably will! And I'll make sure you're in my plan!
Sigh. I guess what I've learned here is that it isn't me. That should make me joyous, right? The communication problem I had when we were emotionally connected is apparently not 100% due to me. And yes, it totally svcks that he finds himself emotionally backed into a corner with his daughter. All she wanted from him is to accompany him to her grandfather's memorial and burial. That *should* be a no-brainer, right? I mean, it's not wrong for her to expect to be with her dad when her own family is buried. It really pi$$es me off that he's just as crappy with his daughter as he was with me.
Ginger, let me offer this as a ray of hope with you and your kiddo. D22 was 8 when her dad moved out. Truthfully, she can only barely remember life when we were all together. She has glimpses and definite memories, but most of it is living in two households.
Every action or conversation I had with her while she lived with me was focused on what I wanted for her. #1 was for her to have an untainted R with her dad. I never wanted her to have to grow up to apply a filter because of my bias. Sure, I had bias, but I had to continually focus on what I'd want if I were her. It did get much easier with time.
The big caveat, though, was that she primarily lived with me, she periodically got thrown into therapy, and our household was an emoting one. I'm going to ask for 2-3 years of a deletion in that high school/college period. That was a blip in our history - albeit important - but most of our life together has been ok. I've always encouraged her to display and talk through emotion. I've always told her it was safe to express the ugly feelings, as long as she wasn't unkind in her display of emotion. I had to work at it.
At 9, she could have *never* been emotionally honest with him. I think she knew deep down that she was going to be the one that suffered. She undoubtedly was doing a lot of observing back then and subconsciously knew that it was not entirely safe. And I think that skepticism has carried forward. She didn't start having these issues with her dad until this past Christmas. The only thing I can attribute this to is because of her pending graduation.
Back when he was in college, he had a very antagonistic and contentious R with his dad. He finished college in 3 years. He got his EE in 3 fricking years and his dad treated him like crap. Before he graduated, his dad told him that he better have plans, because he wasn't welcome at home. From his account when we were dating, his dad wasn't nice. He had no intention of moving back to Montana after getting his engineering degree (on a full scholarship, mind you) or ever living with his parents again. There were many other smaller, hurtful conversations after that too.
So what surprised the he!! out of me was learning that he had a similar conversation with her when she was home for spring break. She was beyond hurt and stunned. It was said unkindly and he let her know that the day after graduation, she was not part of his financial plan. I called him out on this one. And I reminded him that he *hated* his dad for this conversation. His reply? "Well, as much as I hated it, Dad was right." I just shook my head and said, "Seriously? Are you kidding? Because you just turned into the biggest prick on the planet. She's a great kid, gets great grades, she's not a slacker in the slightest and you say that crap to her? Well, news flash. If she wants to live with me while she searches for the job she wants, I'LL help her. So back the hell off." He was really surprised. For the record, she was a presidential scholar her last semester - a 3.8 GPA. Is that the GPA of a freeloader?
He seriously turned into the side of his dad that he despised. And he's heading toward a future of alienation if he keeps it up. Because she will not go out of her way to talk to him. She got that from him, BTW. Only I won't blame her.
What a complete a*hole. I can't even use non cuss words, because they are just too lame.
Keep on keeping on, Ginger. Your D9 will get here soon enough, and one day we'll be having a beer while I get to hear you relay this crap. I promise you that. Your D is not the silent type. And when she becomes an adult, my guess is that she's going to exercise her right to come back at her dad. Mark my words.
Hugs, ladies.
BTW, I have other things happening behind the scenes that aren't boring. The threat of a lawsuit by my next door neighbor, big expenses at the house, drama in my VA family and a slow period here at work. Election years and summer are typically slow, but after a slow winter/spring, it's killing me. I need a drink...
Hi Betsey,
Sorry to hear about how mean your xh was.
But congrats on your d18! She's done really well! You've done a lovely job with her.
Hi Bets!
It was GREAT to see you and especially meet your girls during Memorial Day weekend. I was very sorry that "Carol" and I could not spend more time with you! Hopefully next time will be a more extended visit.
Sorry to hear about Mr. Wonderful's not so wonderful attitude and interaction with your D22. I personally cannot understand that at all. Makes no sense at all and is just sad. That being said if there's anyone who can give him a swift kick in the arse and provide him an attitude adjustment, you are more than capable! :-)
Glad you enjoyed the scotch on the return trip home!
Best,
BA
Hey Bets, this is just a drive by! I'm not even sure how I got here
All the best, you've got this!
Bug,
Welcome back! I've missed your musings and wisdom during your hiatus.
Yeah, I know I've got this. But my feet aren't firmly planted on the ground just yet. With D22's move, I've found myself in a place I haven't been awhile. Yeah, it's been sad, but she had the more traumatic transition than I did.
She reminds me so much of myself in my 20s: she's adventurous, not afraid to jump off the high dive in the deep end of the pool, and just in general expects herself to keep going. The times that slip her up are when her expectations and reality have a huge gap. Part of the reason I drove out with her last week (aside from safety) is knowing exactly what happens when you make the leap of moving across country to start a job where you know NO ONE. I did it when I was 26, and I approached the move with great expectations and excitement. I did it alone (the moving van hauled all my stuff, and I flew to CA). I remember landing and checking into my temporary corporate apartment and struggling. I left behind my support network, social life and general stability. And I really didn't expect to feel so out of sorts. It took me by surprise and I wound up learning a whole lot about myself in the first year of living there.
So I wasn't as surprised at her breakdown within an hour of pulling up in front of her flat as she was. The flat was not as advertised, and I definitely felt she was sold a pig in a poke. BUT... I had to be the mom (first time she needed me as a mom in a really long time) and the role came surprisingly easy. I told her about my dump of an apartment, and I told her about how hard it was to do what she did. It was a touch and go weekend, but she's been generally okay this week and getting her sea legs in a very different place than where she grew up. She's texted or called me every night - something she didn't do the entire time she was in college.
My heart wants to ache when I see that empty bedroom upstairs, but for her sake, it just doesn't. I'm going to get it transformed into a guest room soon. Then it won't feel so weird.
The current fly in my ointment is the fact that my A/C doesn't work, and it's been hotter than heck for the last week and change. My unit is a sauna and I'm not happy. My HVAC guy is getting me a proposal to replace the unit, and as soon as I get it, I'm going to order that sucker and get in his queue. It's supposed to be 94 today. Joy.
Mr. Wonderful is back to being more normal. My time on the road gave me a little perspective. He's really a bad emoter, and I have to wonder if losing his dad and his daughter moving away was just overwhelming to him? We're back to being able to talk. I guess that's a good thing. He's taking D19 to Montana next week to attend his dad's celebration of life. It's a super great thing that D19 loves road trips. She's been on 2 very long ones and now the Montana route. I'm glad I'm here.
In the meantime, I've got some chores to do that I haven't been able to tackle since life got hectic last fall. I'm going to finish refinishing my dining room table and chairs (which I started last September) and then slowly start getting settled in the house. I haven't put up curtains or pictures - mostly because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and I also wasn't sure what D22 would want to take to MA. Now I'm pretty sure. It's time to make this place mine.
What's everyone doing for the 4th? I'm heading into the mountains to see some friends that I haven't seen in a really long time. I met them when Mr. Wonderful and I were dating back in California. They moved to Colorado a couple of years after we moved here and we used to see them all the time. I'm looking forward to the visit.
One last positive thing: D19 has been able to get herself in good enough shape with her renal acidosis to get her off the meds. It was the result of changing seizure meds last summer, and it was a very slow titration off the meds. It's so nice to have her on less meds. Now our focus is literally pushing fluids in front of her and telling her to hydrate. She's been pretty cooperative, so that's a good thing.
So that's my update for the weekend.
Hope everyone has a good and safe holiday. Can't believe it's already nearly July. This year sure is flying by.
Betsey