Hey Gang,
Seems that the DB pooh-pahs decided to chomp my beloved
Pretty In Pink thread without giving me the heads up (yeah...my head is bigger than the door frame). Gee whiz, thanks a lot.
Been very quiet with Ms. Wonka since our most recent exchange that included a lot of friendly banter about the Super Bowl and 'Cheaties' (instead of Wheaties). Back to radio silence and I feel more and more removed from Ms. Wonka. That's perfectly fine with me.
Had a few moments with women out there. Dang women! They confuse me too! And I am
A woman fer cryin' out loud!!! Maybe time for a sex change so things can start to make sense to me once again.
Nah...ain't happening.
Calling darling Cadet....would you be so kind once again and pull out the rabbit from your hat as in retrieving my own
Pretty In Pink thread and post here? Thanks much!!
mwah Tried to access it using the Search feature here...no such luck.
Maybe time for a sex change so things can start to make sense to me once again. shocked smirk Nah...ain't happening.
LOL, that's good. Because it's clearly not working for Bruce Jenner. He's got a long way to go in the emotional healing department... at least from the outside. I'm sure you'll come across a good fit exactly when you're supposed to.
Don't feel bad. Pretty much everyone confuses me lately.
Calling darling Cadet....would you be so kind once again and pull out the rabbit from your hat as in retrieving my own Pretty In Pink thread and post here? Thanks much!! mwah
Tried to access it using the Search feature here...no such luck.
You need lots of lessons in DB forumology!
Try clicking on YOUR NAME
SHOW POSTS
Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there
You should find all your threads.
Here is a link to the last one.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2475770#Post2475770
Thanks, Cadet! Still waiting on my medal for "thinkology."
Wonka,
The last posting on your Pretty in Pink thread was on December 31st. As you know, if someone doesn't post or continue to bump threads up to the first page, they will gradually go down the thread line up and end up on pages 4 or 5. The DB pooh-pahs didn't "chomp" your thread. But they will lock it at 100 postings.
I believe someone just bumped it up for you.
Thanks, Job. Appreciate your thoughts.
Back to drinking my hot chocolate while looking out at the winter wonderland in the backyard...
Well, that's exactly what I'm doing! The snow is just starting to fall here and hopefully this stuff turns to rain tonight. Stay warm and safe!
Let this serve as a warning to post updates more frequently
We've had a snowy weekend here too. My mini College reunion was cancelled because our host's flight out of VA was cancelled. That's okay. I've been putzing around, painting furniture and mulling over what I was doing exactly 21 years ago today. (Well, right now I was in hard labor.) My now D21 went out for dinner last night with her BF of 2 years, and then he was the DD for her and her friends. She was pretty hungover today. Hahaha. Glad it's not me!
Hope your weekends have been peaceful and relaxing. I happen to love snow on weekends. As long as I have food, I love it.
So, let's talk about Angels and Demons. Normally I avoid topics like this. Although I'm Catholic, I've had trouble with the idea of purgatory, limbo and demons. But I now find myself squaring off. My late brother has been communicating with his XW. He's had quite a bit to say, and I am now allowing myself the chance to revisit my beliefs. Apparently, when he passed, he was in what we call purgatory, firmly seated between 2 demons... Named Addiction and Murder. Apparently, dying by your own hand indirectly is considered murder of self. He said he was released by all the love and prayers of his family and friends who loved him. Oddly, I feel comforted greatly by that notion. I've long held the belief that if one doesn't pray for himself, prayers are like throwing good money after bad. Apparently I was wrong. Prayers are beams of love for others. Isn't that a happy thought?
Something that I've long believed that's true where he is? Same sex marriage doesn't matter. Love is love. That's a gender free thing. At least my arguments on that are dead on. God is love, and love is universal and gender less. Yippee!
Ok, time to get busy here. I've been slacking for a few hours now and need to get ready for an early day tomorrow coupled with what will probably be a horrible commute. Yuck.
Hugs. Bets
Bets,
Thanks for stopping by to post your thoughts about your brother. I just read a wonderful book titled Billy re Fingers that talks about his struggles with drugs during his time on Planet Earth, how he died in an accident, and speaks about his life after death. Riveting reading! Highly recommended.
FYI, in almost all of the books I've read about life after death, there has NOT been one single anecdote about "hell & fire" or any such reference to the "brimstone" purgatory. Hence I've formed my own beliefs and opinions based on my own search for God and the "workings" of the Universe. Been traveling on this path quite heavily as an ardent student since Ms. Wonka left the marital house.
BTW, you must be one happy mamma knowing that your D21 has a boyfriend who is apparently stable, caring, and supportive. Prayers answered, right?
How's D17 doing these days? Got all of the guardianship paperwork sorted out for her passage into adulthood?
Clarification of book title:
Billy Fingers
Ohhhh, thanks for the book recommendation! I'll go check that out on my kindle.
I hear you on the fire and brimstone. I can't picture that as well. I don't think my bro gave off that vibe. When he was using, he was a horrible person. When he wasn't, he was sweet and thoughtful. Unfortunately, he was a heavy drug user since he was 16, and his periods of sweetness were outnumbered by his rap sheet. We all figure if he's in a good place, then fire and brimstone isn't in our general reality either. Besides, it just doesn't fit in my beliefs about the afterlife. In my brother's case, his death was the indirect result of the choices he made, and he hurt people all along the way. We all loved him and forgave him, and I think he feels an obligation to help all of us who did love him. I think that's kind of cool. I've been a student since the late 90s, when I kept getting visits from my late grandmother. Now my sister and SIL are in the wagon as well.
Yes, D21 has a sweet BF who is adored by everyone in my family. They texted us photos of her first legal drink right after midnight Saturday. She apparently indulged in too many cranberry vodka drinks and suffered yesterday. Her penance was having a study group meeting yesterday afternoon and an intramural volleyball game at dinner time, followed with her conditioning this morning at 6:00 am. HAHAHAHA! Yes, my prayers were answered there.
D17 turns 18 a week from tomorrow. I have a CPR/First Aid class on Wednesday, which will complete my required classes before they allow me to become her caregiver. I have a few more months of other required classes too. We got the emergency medical POA done 2 weeks ago, which is what was really my big stressor. The court visitor came to see me and Mr. Wonderful last week, and submitted her report to the judge on Friday, so we *should* get our hearing date for the guardianship this week. They said it will probably be in April some time (4-6 weeks after the court receives the report from the visitor). I'll feel better with all of this behind me. It's been emotionally draining.
My babies are growing up...
I think God takes into account the struggles people have and the fact that we are broken people would certainly mean heaven will be a pretty empty place if He didn't! Each of us can only do our best with what we have and honestly, addiction is already hell! In the SDA we don't believe you go anywhere right after death. Our belief is that you sleep until the second coming and then judgment is made. Btw, we also believe hell is a quickie and not suffering for eternity. Just sayin'
Wonka,
Thanks for the book recommendation. I read it that night. LOTS of things in common between my brother and Billy. Billy got a few more decades of life than my brother, but there were lots of similarities. Right down to the part where they gave good massages. The author could have been me. Only I had the chance to see my brother a few weeks before he passed away.
I appreciated the levity to it all, though I will admit that I cried on and off all the way through it. I'm just grateful for the gifts his passing gave me and the rest of my family. It's been humbling and a good exercise overall.
Take care-
Bets
Bets,
I am glad you enjoyed the Billy Fingers book...I'm always learning new things about the mysteries of life after death.
Wii,
Amen to people doing their best with what they have. That's the spirit! If we're more forgiving and loving of one another, then there'd be more peace all over the world. Neighbors are too quick to get their dukes up....and get into really silly arguments over 'stuff.'
Calm down, people! Ya know....
Journaling
I am facing some stress concerning my stepmother. As of last week, she's had mini-stroke(s) that has caused her to bleed internally in the head which has impacted her vision. I have not seen her on the advice of my aunt--her sister.
Man, it's been hard!
I've been in constant text and phone contact with my aunt. I learned that when she went for her neuro/MRI visit this morning, he was alarmed enough to have her to be admitted to the local hospital. It looks like my stepmother will be in the hospital for the next few days.
What this means is that this vision loss is permanent. That is a blow for my stepmother as she will not be able to drive any longer...no more stops to grocery shopping, or even pop out for ciggies. That is a real loss of freedom for her.
Right now, we do not know the extent of the internal bleeding and its effects on her. All we do know for certain that her left peripheral vision is affected in both eyes. What this means in the long term...we don't know yet at this point.
Bottom line is this: I will get more and more involved with caring for her in addition to my grandmother who will be celebrating her 87th birthday soon. Thank goodness that my aunt is retired and is able to help out when she can...the only problem is that she lives 3 hours away whereas I am fairly close by and can drive out quickly. My two cousins (her other granddaughters) are 6 hours away by car so that's a bit tricky.
So I plan to visit my stepmother at the hospital tomorrow for the first time and see for myself how she's doing in addition to learning more details on her situation.
Wonka,
I'm so sorry to hear this news. I will keep your stepmother in my thoughts and prayers.
Sorry to hear this Wonka,
I wasn't in exactly the same position but did go through my Mothers palliative care (she was in her 40s sadly) so I know the stress, upset and pain it brings.
I hope your Stepmum remains otherwise healthy, well and recovers as much as she can and send nothing but my best wishes and positive thoughts to you both.
Edz
Wonka,
I'm so sad to read your news today. I will keep all of you in my prayers.
I told someone a couple weeks ago that I understand why people my age drop dead. We get finished raising ourselves and our children, and then have to take care of our aging parents and relatives. It's tough.
Sounds like you are solution focused, and I'm sure what you guys come up with will be the best thing for all involved.
Hugs.
Bets
Wonka
I am sorry to learn of this news.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Foolish
Thank you Job, edz, Bets, F for the kind words.
Welll.....welll...where shall I start?
Bottom line, my stepmother cannot be alone and needs someone with her in case something happens to her. As I said, she's lost her peripheral vision and that was an adjustment for her (and all of us). After discharge from the hospital, the first two days were disorienting for her as she tried to navigate through the house without her full sight.
On top of the vision issue, the discharge papers included a bunch of scripts and a new insulin plan. So we all have had to re-learn everything and get things organized. It seemed that the hospital forgot one script for one medication. That will be sorted out this afternoon when she visits with her PCP doctor.
Family members have been taking turns in rallying around to assist her with medications and insulin shots. Ultimately, it will be me and my aunt who will be looking after my stepmother primarily. Eventually, we will look into home care options for her. There may be some home modifications...such as the bathroom and bathtub/shower area.
In short, it has been a very steep learning curve for everyone.
During this process, I had a very slow realization and epiphany about myself. I believe I've come to a full circle about my own MLC. The realization was that if this had happened while I was in the midst of my own MLC...you can bet your sweet bippy that I wouldn't be able to cope and be the rock for my stepmother that I am today.
I washed the dishes for several days after lunch and dinner and I was CONTENT to do them. In recalling the contrasts between my MLC addled days and now, I am amazing that I am even able to tackle a gaggle of dirty dishes. For some reason, I was able to recall how I couldn't cope with dirty dishes during my MLC phases. I literally would just walk away from the dining room after a family meal/holiday/event so someone will need to step in and do them.
It is very, very interesting how I've evolved from being a wacky MLCer and being somewhat put-together these days. Sometimes I do think that God/Universe does work in mysterious ways through people and situations. Otherwise, I would not have been able to support my late father through his lung cancer battle nor my stepmother's current health crisis. Fascinating how incidents, situations, and events are viewed through the prism of 20-20 hindsight.
Oh and Ms. Wonka and I have been in constant touch via email during this latest development. I reached out to her and informed her about this whole situation as I sensed that this is something that Ms. Wonka would want to know about. I've found that Ms. Wonka has been incredibly supportive and validating to me throughout this process. Isn't she reading the DB book now??! Ha.
Wonka,
Well, it's awesome to know that you have support - including the kind offered by the former Ms. Wonka. Although I'm in a different set of shoes, I can appreciate how positive it is to be supported by those around us. I'm glad of that for you.
Experience has taught me that steep learning curves are tough but usually life altering ones, and ones with lessons that have long term effects. Overall, positive ones. I'm sorry that it's been so grueling.
For some reason, I was able to recall how I couldn't cope with dirty dishes during my MLC phases. I literally would just walk away from the dining room after a family meal/holiday/event so someone will need to step in and do them.
I think this generally illustrates our human tendency to avoid pain by walking away. I think it manifests itself in a variety of ways. For example, while I never physically walked out on my family, there *were* periods where I had emotionally checked out and wasn't a spouse or parent who was giving a level of effort that is expected. That was in the later half of my 30s, and I kind of cringe when I think about some of the specifics. I do believe looking back that it was a crisis that didn't go deep and the collateral damage was much less than when Mr. Wonderful walked out. At any rate, you weren't the first to be overwhelmed by life, and you won't be the last.
The positive is that you're in a much better place to offer assistance. And the better news is that you're willing to do it. So applaud yourself for being diligent in understanding how you got where you are.
I told a friend earlier today that I think this decade (50s) is probably the toughest yet. We're kind of the sandwich generation - taking care of older parents/relatives while still trying to take care of kids, holding down demanding jobs and hoping like hell we won't drop dead of a heart attack. I wish I were kidding...
Anyway, I'm glad you can be there for your stepmother.
I've found that Ms. Wonka has been incredibly supportive and validating to me throughout this process. Isn't she reading the DB book now??!
This is a testimony of the path you've taken, my dear. Healing has occurred and you've both grown. I've found it interesting that nearly all my relationships are supportive and validating. But maybe because I've put forth an effort to be that way with others too? What goes around comes around?
Funny you mention the epiphany. I had a little one this morning sitting at a long stop light on my way to work. Out of the blue, I uttered aloud, "Thank you for not making me assume executorship at the same time I'm going through this guardianship crap. I don't think I could have managed this." Ten years ago, I would have. But I wasn't in touch with how I felt, and I'd have been pushing aside how I feel in the name of getting everything accomplished. Being older and wiser is a really good thing. I just wish I had my 42 year old body and flexibility???
If anything, Wonka, my guess is that this process will further drive in the importance of cherishing each moment and loving your stepmother as long as she's here to accept your offer?
Hugs-
Bets
Wonka - I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the decline in your stepmother's health. She is blessed to have you in her life!
Sadly, my ex and her stepmother have the exact opposite type of relationship. My ex's Dad died a couple of weeks ago and the whole situation is so volcanic that I'm just waiting to hear about the next eruption.
I'm glad to hear the former Ms. Wonka is being supportive of you as well!
BA
Wow...been almost over 2 weeks.
Bets & BA, thank you for the kind thoughts and words. My mother has made some good progress in some areas; however, she will never regain her full sight ever again.
I woke up this morning to a short email from Ms. Wonka saying "wow" about the uproar over the laws being passed in Indiana and Alabama that allows "religious" people to discriminate others as they see fit. Crraaazy. I think I've learned a bit more about Ms. Wonka's pattern.
I've already established that she usually reaches out to me approximately at least once per month after long radio silence. The epiphany I've realized this morning is that Ms. Wonka will use any issue to reach out...never coming out directly just to say "hey...how are you?" or anything like that. It makes me go "hmmmm...isn't this interesting?" to borrow from Stubborn's book.
Today, I went to the storage to start clearing out some things. I've been wanting to do this, but been putting it off. It's ridiculous that I am paying for two storage units after clearing out stuff from my late father's house.
I came across this graduate paper that I wrote for one of my classes and I just sat down to read it this evening. I was particularly struck by some prescient comments made over 20 years ago. Then I looked at the title page and it was written just under a week before I asked Ms. Wonka out for the first time. Made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up to attention. Apparently answered some general questions from the professor and I can only guess at them. The paper was autobiographical in a general sense. I'll re-post some salient comments peppered in the paper at various points here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was insecure for the longest time after the divorce. I was also angry and resentful of how my inner world was in a disaray. These feelings come and go periodically in the present time. I have learned to deal with the divorce.
Interestingly enough, after the divorce my distrust level rose to great heights and I withdrew into myself. To this day, I have not been able to reclaim myself. I have become more and more shy around strangers as the years go by.
The turning point of my life was the divorce. I was absolutely shattered by the experience for I was 11 when I first learned of it. BBlah, blah, blah. On...the downside of the divorce debacle, I was eextremely mistrustful of people that I did not make close friends easily as opposed to superficial friends.
The life adjustment problems I am most concerned about the anticipated deaths of my immediate family members such as my parents, sisters, and grandmother. I would be absolutely devastated if my father and paternal grandmother were to pass away soon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Crikey! Did I foresee my own MLC??! Gosh, that really raised the hair on the back of my neck. The passing away of my paternal grandmother dealt a heavy blow to me which precipitated my own MLC.
I find it very interesting in how I handled the deaths of my paternal grandmother and father.
My grandmother's death set me squarely on the MLC journey on the USS Wonkie Enterprise.
How I dealt with my late father's death was vastly different than my grandmother's that occurred more than a decade prior to his passing away. There's no question in my mind that I probably would have completely fallen apart if my father had passed away FIRST before my grandmother.
It's funny how events of the past influence your present and in the order they take place. I grew up and matured after my MLC journey which has made me better equipped to confront and deal with my father's cancer and his death. There's no way on Earth that I would have been able to handle this if my grandmother had not passed away first or if I didn't have my MLC.
Yah, I think I was deceiving myself a bit about coming to terms with my parents' divorce in writing that paper. How I felt about their divorce back then and now is like night and day. Viewing things from the DB prism has helped me to really see that my parents were struggling and were trying their best to deal with their own chit in their own ways. They were flawed human beings with very poor coping skills in handling the natural trials, tribulations and triumphs of a marriage in constant transition.
Interesting indeed.
I woke up this morning to a short email from Ms. Wonka saying "wow" about the uproar over the laws being passed in Indiana and Alabama that allows "religious" people to discriminate others as they see fit. Crraaazy. I think I've learned a bit more about Ms. Wonka's pattern.
Oops...meant to say 'Indiana and Arkansas'...
Yah, I think I was deceiving myself a bit about coming to terms with my parents' divorce in writing that paper. How I felt about their divorce back then and now is like night and day. Viewing things from the DB prism has helped me to really see that my parents were struggling and were trying their best to deal with their own chit in their own ways. They were flawed human beings with very poor coping skills in handling the natural trials, tribulations and triumphs of a marriage in constant transition.
I think all of us at one time or another opts to don rose colored glasses and believe things that aren't true. I know I was guilty of doing that in the past as well. The important thing is that you DID come to see things clearly. You came out of the other side. I find that kind of strength uplifting.
Happy Easter, Wonka!
Howdy all,
This is fairly quick as I'm behind at work. I've been off the grid, so to speak, for awhile, as my family experienced a very sudden, traumatic death in the family on Friday. It came as such a shock that I've been kind of incapacitated of late. The kind of incapacitation like bomb day - where you can't sleep or eat or think, and everything you read has to be read a few more times just to get some comprehension. I'm still surprised 5 days later.
Yesterday, I played hooky and let D18 stay home with me for the day. We spent the entire time watching movies, and I asked Mr. Wonderful if he'd let me keep her for the night (which he obliged). I ordered out pizza and we watched more movies until it was time for bed.
At the very least, it has me thinking of my family and wishing I were closer to help. But I can only do so much 2000 miles away, so I'll plug on. D21 comes home in a little more than 2 weeks, so I have that to anticipate with a smile.
Anyway, I just wanted you all to know why I haven't been around here or on the Alt. It's just been difficult to comprehend.
Hope all is well with everyone here. I'll try to make a few short visits while I'm logged in.
I've been wondering.
I'm so sorry for you loss and I get the being 2000 miles away and not being there to offer much needed hugs and share tears.
((( )))
So sorry to hear this Bets. I am sorry for your loss. Wish there was something I could do - you've been through so much.
Please know I care. I'm sending hugs.
Barb
Bets,
I feel like a crud for not getting to this sooner sistah. I am so so so sorry to hear of your loss and the grappling of your emotions.
Take your sweet time to process your emotions. We all could sit around my firepit and drink our favs. Nothing like having women circling the wagons around for support. No offense to the good men here ...but ya know...
(((Bets)))
Wonka,
Please don't feel bad that you didn't see this sooner. It's totally fine. I really do appreciate the support, and sure wish we could sit around the fire pit. I could use that.
I've been sitting on my discomfort sofa and trying to sift through some stuff. One is my BFF back home, who is convinced that my fate will join my aunt's if I don't get in a valued R with someone. I'm actually kind of pissed about that. And because I got pissed, I realize I need to dig a little deeper.
Perhaps I'm guilty of retreating more than usual. That's probably true. Perhaps I'm not doing enough to "get a life". That is also probably true. But to my credit, I've had a lot going on - with 3 deaths of people very close to me in the past year, my executor duties for the first one, losing my brother and aunt, and doing all the work to take over formal caregiver duties of D18, as well as the guardianship crapola. It's all emotional stuff, and should I expect myself to go out and "get a life" while my heart is sifting through my feelings? I have a death-grieving hangover, for sure. It's made me not feel like doing much. That also probably includes not doing things that are good for me... like truly committing to the gym, walking, etc.
I do know that I'll take the necessary actions when I'm ready. How long that will take, I don't know. Right now I just kind of feel like I'm putting one foot ahead of the other. I don't think that having a significant other would make me feel or do anything differently, and I guess it still pisses me off that she thinks the answers to all my prayers lie in someone else. She's never been married and has her own idiosyncrasies that have kept her from having meaningful relationships with the opposite gender. And she doesn't have children, so she can't really understand that as a parent, you pretty much put others needs ahead of your own. It's not something I do to put myself in peril, but it's been a necessary evil for the past 18 years. I'm trying to get D18 more independent, and she's doing great with that.
I know this sounds like a slew of excuses. At this moment, they exist until I figure out what I'm doing and where I'm going. I guess ultimately, I don't like being judged. I *will* say that my family understands. We've been gobsmacked lately.
Anyway, that is where I am. Uncomfortable, but knowing the discomfort exists for a damn good reason.
Thanks for the kind words and support - I truly appreciate it!
Bets
Bets I think you are spot on in your self evaluation on the issue of looking for a significant other. You have way too much stuff you are sifting through and dealing with to add dating on to your plate, especially when you yourself don't feel ready for that. I think you have to want to and have a DESIRE to seek out a significant other and until you are in that place you are doing the smart thing by staying on the sidewalk and instead processing through all of the serious stuff life has dealt you over the last year.
Just my two cents. Take care my friend!
BA
Bets,
Bwaaaah! Rich advice from a Ms. Lonelypants...she doesn't know what she's talking about.
Gee, today's society in America places far too much emphasis on coupling as if that is how they measure "normalcy" or "emotionally healthy" in a person. How whack is that thought process?
Make zero apologies for attending to YOUR own priorities that require your attention. What's wrong with a little withdrawal or retreat from the world if you will? As long as one doesn't veer off into the Cat Lady territory.
Acquiring or having a significant other is not a true measure of a person's value. It is, in my mind, a projection of this lady's innermost feelings about HERSELF. I think it is her own shadow that she's afraid of. Heh?
I would bet that she's lacking love for herself which is probably she's repelling energies from potential suitors.