Happy New Year Everyone! I hope 2015 brings you all much joy, new opportunities and growth. I hope for the same but I'm off to a bit of a rocky start. My world is closing in a bit at present. I need some input and advice. I can't talk to the source as it would make it worse and I can't post on FB since those involved creep my page and would know. My stomach is churning and I'm walking on eggshells - we all remember how that was.
So - this is about my disabled son, Ryan's care. Not a DB subject but one that many of you are familiar with either in your own lives or just listening to me.
Since we ditched the "Agency from Hell" nearly 2 years ago (or was it them ditching us?). Regardless - we gained the best worker of the bunch "L". She was the Golden Girl. Cared for Ryan in the kindest, sweetest manner. Lovely to have around. Always pleasant to us. Just a joy. Took her and a former worker to Disney World just over a year ago and then again this past Oct/Nov.
L is young (26) but smart and self assured (apparently) but perhaps a little too quiet. She had been coming into her own. She was with a boyfriend for 10 years and they had bought a house together. Had a couple of dogs. While we were away last year in Disney the other worker mentioned that he boyfriend seemed to be abusive to her on the phone, causing her to cry. That was the first sign of a problem.
J started working for us 18 months ago. From the get go she wanted to impress us and went above and beyond. Offering to do things that we would never have asked of her - but things that were most helpful. We really liked her (but always had a bit of a sense of her wanting to outrank L). The 2 got on well, though and even communicated or went out - outside of work. Not a good thing, really, but something I have no control over.
J told me in Sept that L's boyfriend was abusing her, they were breaking up and he had attempted suicide. L took 2 weeks off and J and our one other worker covered her time off. I was worried about our upcoming trip to Disney as she seemed distracted and a bit :"off" when she returned. The trip started off good but soon she started checking her phone constantly or pulling it out while working (forbidden). J told me she felt it was disrespectful. So did I but really said nothing. I did not want to upset the trip. Then J woke me at 2 AM one night to say that L had gone out at 11 and not returned. She went and checked the nearby hot tub but when she did not find her - I called Security. They found her at another hot tub - about a 10 min walk away. I was upset and our sleep was all disturbed. She did not understand why we were upset - we explained it wasn't safe and we were losing sleep worrying. Asked her to at least let us know where she was going. She then did the same the next night and I called her cel at 4 to ask her to come in. I lost another night's sleep. On returning home - I noticed her using her cel often and mentioned it to the agency. During a staff meeting after that - they spoke to all about the cel phones and L stormed out in tears as she felt she was being picked on.
Following all this - I still managed to host a Christmas party for all staff and gave them nice gifts. All were in jovial moods and seems happy and appreciative.
I'm leaving for FLorida on Monday for 3 months. I went into Ryan's room on Monday and asked L if she could text me once a day while I'm away to let me know how Ryan is doing. Apparently that set her off and a flurry of calls/texts between her and J went down that night. And L gave her notice that she was quitting!!! J told me the next day. I panicked. J then convinced her to take a 2 month leave of absence (she is having surgery in Feb anyway and would be off). The agency have used to 2 remaining girls to cover all the shifts (12 hours a day) but that leaves them overworked. They agreed to get right on hiring new backup staff as soon as the holidays are over. I am feeling very unsettled.
Yesterday morning I went into Ryan's room to give J a thank you card for something nice she had done for me and to give her 2 English snapping crackers for her and Ryan for New Year's Eve. She started to talk to me again about the situation. (She also had been told NOT to talk to me about it or upset me)
She started a list of her grievances with me. It ranged from being asked to pick something up at Walmart on Christmas Eve (when she was there with Ryan - we live more than a half hour away and she always offers to pick up anything I need), to telling me it's not her responsibility to get the snow tires on the van (which it probably isn't but the girls always offer to do that so they don't miss a day of being able to go out in the van to go other places). She said "I am not your slave!". There was a lot said. And I started to cry. Josh walked in and caught the second half of her rant (which really should have been directed at the agency or at herself for always offering to do extras). She told me if the agency knew she was talking to me - she would be fired. I ended up leaving the room - I wanted to vomit.
After comforting me - I asked Josh to go back in to see if she was alright. Obviously she was having a breakdown. She went on and on. He talked her down a bit but then his sister phoned so I went in to give him the phone and she talked to me again. She hugged me. Said she was sorry. Never meant any of those things (there was much more she had said that was very very hurtful). Said she liked me as a person - I could even be a best friend if she didn't work for me. She cried. I cried. She thanked me for coming back in. But she still wasn't going to text me how Ryan is while I'm away (I don't get that).
She went on and on about how the other worker (fairly new) was assigned 110 hours during the next 2 weeks to which I replied. "Not your problem" but at the same time told me she would not come in early or stay late even though my babysitter for while Ashley is away needs a bit more time so she can get to and from her other job.
So - here I sit. I have not slept. I am hurt, angry and scared. We live in a rural area so I can't lose my workers. But there is underlying crap going on that no one would talk about and it has festered and now it is all a mess. I just want to bang their heads together. Oh - get this - all this went on right in front of RYAN!!!!
I'm sorry this is so long. I need to get it out. If I call the agency (its a holiday of course) - they will fire J for causing me this SH!T. But in my heart of hearts - that is not what I want. Both J and L are awesome with Ryan and I don't want to lose them.
Josh thinks I might want to consider leaving later for Florida but this is Ashley's only vacation this year and she has booked 10 days off. I can't do that to her and I really need to get out of here.
Does anyone have any advice to help me out here? Neither J or L will be working here for the next few days until I head to the airport on Sunday. Just the new "overworked" worker.
HELP!
Barb
Awww. Barb....sorry this came up now. I've experienced the same kind of nonsense between female employees in my office. Sometimes it seems like, the nicer an employer you are, the more of this b.s. goes on.
But as for your immediate problem: do you have a friend who can come and check in on everything once a day? Or do you know a young person you could pay to "house sit" during that time? I know Josh will be around, but it would take some of the burden off of him and give you an extra pair of eyes.
All I can say is wow! J really knows how to stir up a pot. I am thinking she just wants to make herself look good or better than L and now that L will be gone for a while, she doesn't have to be better than anyone.
I would speak directly with J, let her know that you were concerned about her and that you value her as a worker for Ryan.
I would ask the agency that they have the worker text you updates on Ryan, maybe they feel this is a grey area since they aren't supposed to be using cell phones while working?
Maybe don't take them up on offers to do extras as now it seems like resentment from L anyway. Once in a while seems to be ok. Hopefully I haven't gotten all the initials jumbled up and that makes sense. Go through the agency as much as possible and that should keeps things running a tad smoother.
It will all work out. Big hugs.
kat
I meant speak with the one who had the boyfriend issues. Oh, I think I jumbled them up! And no edit button!!
Thanks Ellie & Kat,
For listening & your valuable input. I know that J is posturing - she has always done this yet she would do anything! Seriously! When I was moving into the cottages lightly the first day - she called her boyfriend & his kids and they came over with 2 trucks & moved everything for me. I thanked them by letting them stay in a cottage for the weekend with the kids. So I do reward things that are above & beyond.
But yesterday she was venting about ev rethink - right down to how much recycle we had in the bin (it's Christmas - everyone has a ton of recycle). It forced Ryan's bins out & they got some snow in them, well - go figure - snow happens here. She could have moved them to the garage.
We had a death in the family and funeral the week before Christmas. My flight home was cancelled. I asked them to pick up chocolate bars while they were at Walmart on Christmas Eve with Ryan in my van. She freaked out saying I asked her to buy all my stocking stuffers. That was the only request!
I'm contacting former workers to checking on their availability. I don't have a friend here that I could really ask since we haven't lived here that long but Ash will be here in 2 weeks & Josh on the weekends. Hopefully they will manage.
And you're right - I'm letting the agency know I want a daily report on Ryan. I bought a cel ohone for them to carry for him to stay in touch with me & that's whati need from them. I asked the 3 rd worker today about texting me & she was happy to do so. Totally gets it. Ryan was laughing & happy today so that's most important.
Barb
Barb,
I'm so sorry to read what's happened w/the workers that are there to assist w/Ryan. You are the customer/employer who is paying for Ryan's care. In the future, when asked if you need something when they go out, politely tell them no. You've got to get back to the basics of them carrying for Ryan only. Apparently, because L wasn't around, possibly the real J came out. She's got a lot of resent bubbling under the skin and only plays nice and goes the extra mile when L is around (at least that's what I'm getting from your posting).
Also, I know you want to treat them kindly, but you can't be friends w/them. You have to draw the line in the sand and set your boundaries w/them. Quite frankly, J and L both have overstepped themselves and taken advantage of your good nature. This is what happens sometimes when workers become very comfortable in their positions, i.e., knowing you need them and will do just about anything to keep them happy.
Barb, time to set those boundaries and let both young ladies know who is the boss and who is paying their salaries in your home.
I'm sorry, I think it's just horrid and disrespectful both of them have been to you. They do not realize how good they have had it w/you as an employer.
Thanks Job,
I appreciate being reminded tht I am good to them. I really am. In fact - j also told me yesterday that I gave her the nicest Christmas gift in her life. Yet - she viciously slapped me in the face with her horrible comments. I've been an employer my entire adult life & have tried very hard to draw the line in the sand. Yet there are those who regularly want to cross it.
The nice thing about the job with Ryan is the guaranteed hours. Most agency workers only make short visits & spend half their day driving from client to client. Here they get a lot of perks.
I really just can't believe what happened. It was crazy. Some days I really don't like people!
Barb
Barb,
I've known you for quite some time and you are a good employer and they've crossed the line. Maybe it's time to reduce some of the perks that you've allowed them to have for a while.
I really do not like the way J spoke to you. That was very disrespectful and if she's done it once, she may very well do it again if you don't sit her down, talk to her and let her know who is boss.
You need to have peace of mind when you are away and yes, someone should call you with updates. After all, you are paying them to do a job and they are doing it w/o supervision while you are away.
Barb, sit her down and have a talk w/her. Something is going on w/her and you need to nip this in the bud now so that you can go off on vacation and not have to worry about her spewing resentment once again.
Hi. I don't Know much about your story.. Only from what I am reading on this thread. I think you are in the US? I'm not completely sure how health care or caregivers work there so my opinion is based from a Canadian healthcare perspective.
I'm guessing you hire private caregivers for your son? First off.. If these girls are specially trained health care givers, never take on the role of customer/employer with them. That is a pet peeve of many nurses when patients tell us they are our customers so we have to do as they say.
The gist of what I'm hearing is that you have had an ongoing relationship with these girls since you entrust them with the care of your son. The little things like picking up stuff was never expected but you were thankful for because you assumed they were doing it to be kind.. And you reciprocated by doing nice things for them. Generally.. That is how friendships and general courtesies work.
My concern comes when you describe j's behaviour. And especially when she goes on to say you could be a best friend. Because it all sounds very manipulative and crosses the line of professionalism. She knows the boundaries (like not bringing these things up) and yet she does it anyway.
It seems like they are good to your son and of course you don't want to lose that (because employing caregivers that you trust and feel safe with is not easy!) so I would suggest that you use a very soft, kind approach and start setting some boundaries. If they offer to do things beyond what they should be doing, kindly decline. That way you can maintain a professional relationship and lay out your expectations (like getting daily txt updates about your son). And they can never use it against you, or your son!
I have seen many good working relationships from caregivers.. And unfortunately I have also seen bad ones.
As for the situation with L and the hot tub incident... Was she working at the time? Or was it her time off? I understand that you were concerned but, was that within your right? If it is her off time, she really has the right to do whatever she wants (even if you don't like it). As long as her personal life doesn't interfere with her professional life.. (It does sound like some things were questionable). J sounds like she is an instigator. Try not to play into her and she will most likely get bored and find another outlet for drama.
Hi BF,
That's sound advice. I actually live in Canada too. I've had caregivers for Tyan for at least 25 years. As you say - some good, some bad.
The hot tub incident was not when she was working so it was definitely on her time. But she was sharing a room with J and keeping her awake. She was too tired to work as well as she should have the next day plus she kept J awake. Truthfully - it was disrespectful to all as we shared a condo. But I know I can't control what she does in her off time. So out of character though.
I'm seriously really upset about J. To go this long & let on like all was peachy then throw everything in my face this way is unforgettable yet - as you say - finding good staff is extremely difficult especially in our rural area.
I'm going to express some concern to the agency especially regarding texting more regarding his day. Any mom would want that when she is on vacation. I will most definitely not have them do anything beyond their normal duties. I just wish the agency had been clear about what was acceptable & what was not when we signed on with them.
Barb
Job,
I went back in and spoke with her twice yesterday & hope we have worked thru this. I was scrambling to keep her working. I know she has influenced L's decision to leave. It was as she was leaving last night that she mentioned she won't be back in again until I have left so I won't be able to talk to her again. She did promise to keep things running smoothly while I am away.
I have never understood how someone can tell you how much they like you then in the next moment tell you how much they don't like you then turn around & hug you & let you know they could be your friend.
I had similar scenes with my ex when we were married & soon after. Very confusing to say the least!
Barb
Barb,
I do like what BF posted about your situation. Again, I'm sorry all of this took place, but at least you are now aware of what some of the issues were/are going on.
I'm glad you spoke to J about the situation. Do you think that L will return at some point? I hope so as you do like both young ladies and Ryan does too.
I don't understand the behavior either. But, in some cases, it is a way to manipulate the other person by keeping them off guard. Then again, this may be her way of getting your attention and having you validate how you feel about her. Stop and think about it, look at all she has told you about L and basically put L in a bad light w/you. I suspect that there may have been some jealousy in the mix. Whatever the reason, I would suggest you dig a bit deeper and find out what is allowable when it comes to asking them to do things for you so that you don't have another episode like this down the road.
I do hope that everything will go smoothly while you are away.
Aww, Barb, wow. Let me just say that I think in our world, it is very easy to admit others into the family, give them power you would Ashley or Brandon, and make allowances for them as such. I've had some experiences that lump into this category, though not yours.
D17 had a long time sitter who became my other daughter. She was and is awesome. She was her para in elementary school. It only became a problem years later, as my D20 became very close to her as well and she literally became the big sister. At that point, D17 quit responding to her as a caregiver and lumped her into the sister category - which created all sorts of behavioral issues.
Since then, I've really had to remember that they are employees of the family. You have also been a business owner, so I know you know how to categorize as such. Yes, they are trusted employees - because we know that nobody remotely untrustworthy is ever gonna be allowed to get close to Ryan.
My thoughts about L. You are her employer and the texts and odd behaviors are completely unprofessional. You bring her on trips to do a job. She's not Ashley, and you shouldn't have to hunt her a$$ down on the job. Ever. I know how hard it is to find capable people, Barb. I really do. But the barn door opened and the animals have left. I think it's time to find new caregivers and keep things strictly professional from here on out.
Believe me, this is a reminder to me as well. I'm going to be interviewing new caregivers for after school for March and beyond. I truly need to keep wearing my "employer" hat home.
After all, if you still owned your dance school or travel agency, would you ever put up with this crap? I can't see that. You're compassionate, but also practical and have a business mind.
BTW, if you do add shopping to the list of things you occasionally need done, put it in writing. It's a periodic job requirement to take Ryan out and shop with him, right? If they don't agree to what you need in a caregiver, then you have something specific to work with.
This is drama that you just don't need. Ever.
So, can Ashley go ahead of you to Florida? Catch up with her when you have things sorted out to your liking? I wish you were here. I'd help you.
If you truly are in a position where you need to keep either J or L, I'd include the agency and draw up expectations for a "performance review". No, they don't get to critique your performance because THEY are getting paid to do a job. If they are unwilling to perform duties you need, then let that be their decision to resign...
Hugs and good luck-
Bets
Ack barb! I totally get the rural area thing. I'm actually in a very busy city so there are tons of resources but I understand how challenging it would be when you live in a smaller community. If you find someone who is good to your son, of course you would be scared to lose them because you never know whether the next person will be the same.
Are your caregivers licensed? I think healthcare is a little different from province to province. If they are, they may have a code of ethics they should be adhering to.. Or have some description on their scope of practice... This would just give you an idea of what to reasonable expect from them. I suggested the softer, gentler approach not because I think you're in the wrong (if I were in your situation I would be totally upset too!) but because in a rural setting, your choices for caregivers probably aren't as diverse and hence you want to keep a good working relationship if possible.
Yes.. L was being irresponsible going out at night. If it affected her work then you should have a word with her. If she was just keeping J up.. Then it might be more appropriate to be mediator with both J and L present rather than you having to deal with it yourself.
Do you employee these girls personally? Or do you pay the agency? If it's the agency than the agency is responsible for ensuring these girls behave in a professional manner. Uh yuck. I know it must be the last thing you want to be dealing with.
I wish I could offer up some magical solution.
I'm so glad I can still come here and get perspective. Your input is so valuable to me when this is a tough thing to share and I have to be careful who I say it to. THANK YOU!!! To each of you. I will respond more thoroughly tomorrow.
Today the Staff Supervisor at our agency was on holidays. I really needed to sort some things out before I leave. I got an email this morning that the agency could not bridge the half hour in the mornings I needed between my overnight girl I have coming here while Ashley is away. She has to leave for work by 7:30 and J does not start until 8. Normally J is very accommodating but she was refusing to have her hours altered and would not come in early. This left a huge hole in our schedule. Being short staffed - we did not know how to fix this. The agency had left it open. This needed to be resolved. I was so upset about this by lunchtime - trying to figure out who I could ask to come over. We don't have a lot of close friends or neighbours here. Josh and I went out for lunch and he offered to stay up next week to be here. That would solve one problem but then my overnight girl would lose her work. I thought I could pay her some consolation for it. But I would still have the problem the following week.
Then I got an email from the Clinical Supervisor. She let me know they were training a new worker starting on Tuesday to relieve the burden of too many hours for the workers. This is a good solution to one problem. I spoke with her about the second problem (the early mornings and a couple of extra evening hours next week as well). She contacted the office staff and explained that I needed this resolved ASAP.
Then I got an email that they had hired another PSW to come in each morning and for the extra evening shifts. That solves the problem. The nice thing here is that this new person is willing to do this on other occasions as well. BONUS!!! It is so hard for Josh and I to get out in the evenings on occasion or for me to stay a bit later than 8 at one of my charity meetings.
So this part has ended well. J still worries me. I just creeped her FaceBook and her profile pic is of her and Ryan! (I believe she needs permission to do that - I'm not happy about it). And there are other things. But she IS a good worker.
I'm going to spell out my expectations with the agency and have them do a review with the workers.
I will write more tomorrow. Thanks for the great suggestions.
Barb
Job: I think there has always been some jealousy of L with J. L always behaved in the most professional manner until the recent trip to Disney. And it was almost like J had been waiting for her to make a mistake. And she pointed it out to me and also reported it to the agency. But then she told me if L quit - she would also quit! I'm just not sure what it is all about.
I'm not sleeping well. I'm stewing about it and worrying. Josh and I talk about it and he is just as confused by her sudden erratic behaviour as much as I am. She kind of went on to him about how there was too much recycle this week (We had a lot but Josh had put it all out). And that she can't change lightbulbs now (they always did it before but had never told us when one burned out). So - I'm getting from that - that the agency recently went over "the rules" and they realized that they were doing more than they are supposed to. But J has always gone ahead and done things above and beyond. And I guess I always worried about it. But also appreciated it.
Still confused but now that we are adding a couple new workers to the mix - we might have some backup in case the worst happens and she quits.
Barb
BF: The workers are PSWs which are not really licensed but do work with fairly strong standards at the agency we employ. The agency provides and trains the staff and arrange their schedules. They deal with the "stuff" but this stuff is hard to explain. L always held the agency in high regard. But I know J has convinced her that they are not so great. Now I'm afraid she is passing that mentality on to the new workers as well.
J has never followed the rules and has always sort of "tested" me to see if I would tell. I didn't do it because we always have a shortage of workers and she was so helpful and so good with Ryan.
I'm tempted to let the agency know I have some concerns and that they might consider looking for someone new "in case" but not tell them the specifics as it would probably cause immediate dismissal while I am away.
The uncertainty is killing me right now.
Barb
Hey Bets,
I knew you would really "get this" because you live with it too. And good workers are hard to find. But I have always known that Familiarity Breeds Contempt. And if my workers could just do their job and go home - we would not have the problem we do. J is the type of person who needs to get familiar with the other workers. She arranges "Play Dates" with them when she is with another client that Ryan likes and then they have time to gossip and diss the agency and probably me. She also texts the others and it was this chatting between them that has caused the dissension.
I really need to nip this in the bud but the timing is just terrible. I will have a talk with the agency on Tuesday (travelling on Monday) and let them in on some of my concerns. But I am going to have to do what is best for Ryan and for myself and keep her on until I get back unless she quits and then we will have to deal with it.
I keep playing Wed over and over in my mind and none of it makes any sense. Nor does L leaving. It was all over me asking for a text each day to see how Ryan is doing.
UGH
Barb
Barb,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're once again going through these types of issues. There was a lot to sort through in these posts -- so I will give you my feedback on it.
It's difficult to say what set this off -- but it is clear that while J might have offered and seemed willing to go above and beyond -- at some point in time -- she started to resent it... apparently A LOT!
I agree with the others who have suggested that if anyone offers to do something/anything that is beyond what specifically fits into their caretaking job description -- you should say NO.
I well understand wanting to accept their offers b/c it makes your life easier -- but what starts out as a kindness and favor -- snowballs into many such requests and that clearly became something they resented.
And allowing them to do this blurs the line between their job -- and a friendly gesture -- and b/c of the imbalance of power -- they probably feel as if they really can't say no to anything you, their employer, request them to do.
You don't make clear why J was at Walmart with Ryan on Christmas Eve. So I don't know what she was there for -- but the fact that she later claimed -- that from her perspective -- you had made her do your stocking stuffers for you -- makes it clear she felt your request, small as it was -- was a PITA for her and not her job.
Her comment about not being a "slave" was significant. And IMO it is not their job to get snow tires put on the van. So it just sounds as if there's slowly been a blurring of sort of "family" and "friend" type errands and favors -- mixed in with their professional duties -- and J and perhaps L too -- now see it as too much and too often.
And while you may feel you make it up to them in many ways and with many reciprocal kindnesses -- somehow in their minds it is not equating that way.
Believe me, I learned this one the hard way. It is shocking how much you can do for someone who works for you -- yet in their mind -- it barely counts!
I have no idea why the recyclables bothered her so much -- just not getting that at all???
And I agree with the others that what L did on her own time was her business unless it interfered with her care of Ryan. If J's sleep was being impacted -- perhaps J should have been the one to deal with L on her own. But I'm not quite understanding how L leaving the room impacted J's sleep? Now whether it was smart or safe for L to be doing it is another matter.
I'm not sure what dynamic is going on between L and J. But rivalry isn't unusual -- but that J would leave if L does is odd.
As to L's use of her cell when she's taking care of Ryan -- NO WAY!
And I don't understand at all why both L and J are refusing such a reasonable and normal request to be texted about Ryan once a day???
Glad to hear that the agency is on this -- and really working to get you more people to cover and help out.
And BTW ... JOSH! What a treasure he is! Just a wonderful, loving, kind dear man -- who truly demonstrates how deeply he loves you and your family by action!
You are very blessed to have found each other!
I think you may need to put this into God's hands and let both L and J leave -- if that is how it plays out. Perhaps the air is now cleared and the situation can be restored -- but if not, trust it will still work out.
For while L and J are wonderful with Ryan -- from what you've written here -- there is something off about both of them that concerns me.
You know I always tell you to have faith and trust...and once again you must.
I know you are divinely protected -- as is precious Ryan. And the agency sounds like they are on top of this and will make this work for you.
I'll keep you in my prayers. Stay strong and in faith.
Summer xo
Ahh Summer,
I LOVE your post. It is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Mea culpa. I definitely took them up on their kindnesses & went too far. They did make my life easier but it's nice to see it from a different angle. That will stop! I will be away from today on for 3 months so it may be less stressful for everyone & hopefully L's absence will give her time to reflect & work out her issues. She continues to go to school to become a nurse so she must know that the ohone is NOT ok on the job!
I thought about it last night & reached the same conclusion as you wrote. Let it play out. If they quit, they quit. I want the agency to "feel" the uncertainty so they can think of a backup plan but at the same time - I have to stop letting this eat at me. My blood pressure is quite high right now - that's not good.
At the end of the "blowup" day - J did assure me that she would do her shifts every day & keep things good for Ryan (& I believe she will). Only if I say too much to the agency will things erupt. Maybe I just have to forget what was said to me that was very hurtful & let it go. The agency shift coordinator told me she is a DUCK - lets everything roll right off of her. I wish I was a DUCK! But I'm a SPONGE - I soak in everything everyone says & does then I get HOT and everything starts to fester & gets worse. I must stop doing this. Stop worrying!
But on to Florida. When I am there - I truly let loose (not in a bad way) & let the agency handle Ryan. I need to get back there & out of this crap & crappy weather.
And yes - Josh is the best!
Barb
Barb, I do know that the lines do blur and the employed start to resent the employer. I dated a caregiver and she was taken advantage of big time...and still is from what I know. Now, please don't think I'm saying you took advantage big time but when people work in your home you begin to see them as family to some degree. The employee-employer relationship blurs. As Summer said, it's best to keep those lines clearly defined. The last employer my ex-gf worked for wanted her to have dinner with them every evening which meant her workday would end at 8 pm or so and started at 7 pm. They thought they were being nice and being a "family" without realizing that their relaxing time was still her work time. This is just an example and does not necessarily reflect your sitch but my point is that it's so easy to fall into the friends and family category with people who work in your home. You become intimate, they feel like family! So yes, step back and look at what their responsibilities are and what your expectations are and go from there. Hope I made some sense
Have a great trip!
...that should read that her work day started at 7 a.m. not p.m. or that would be an awesome job lol.
Thanks Wii,
And you are right. I always tried to keep the lines defined but J was (is) a horse of a different colour. She was doing it to compete with L. But L is not here now.
Hows the weather in Toronto? I'll be there in a few.
Summer - the one thing I never made clear was that when L came in at 3 or 4 AM - she was showering and keeping J awake. J did talk to her about it but she did it again for 2 more nights (then went home). J also reported it to the agency. It was what all started this Merry Little Roller Coaster.
But I'm off. T is working today. She is just a joy. Always smiling, whistling, reading to Ryan. It is bad weather so they're staying in. That's a good thing!
Barb
Barb,
Travel safely and do try to enjoy your time away. Everything will work out okay in time. Maybe the time away will give everyone a chance to decompress and hopefully a "fresh" beginning for the new year.
Thanks Job,
I think you are right. The less said right now, the better. Although I think some discipline is in order - I'm going to let it go for now.
and have PEACE
Barb
Oh, that explains it! I was confused as to how L just leaving the room would so disturb J. Now it makes sense!
I'm so glad you're off for blissful, warm Florida -- a place you love and where you can relax.
I truly believe it will all settle down soon -- and now that you're going to have them stick to just their exact jobs -- it really should return things to normal and run smoothly.
Have a WONDERFUL time!
Thanks Summer! I'm sure this horrible, anxious feeling will disappear when I step into the condo and return to my "Happy Place" once more.
Can't wait.
Barb
Barb--LOL, you knew I'd know exactly what this was about. I do!
I hope your distance and time away gives you some ideas on how you want this to play out. It always does for me. For some reason, getting on a plane forces me to consider other options.
Have a great time, and enjoy some sun and no snow!
Bets
Old news, but two thoughts...
----
"Then J woke me at 2 AM one night to say that L had gone out at 11 and not returned. She went and checked the nearby hot tub but when she did not find her - I called Security. They found her at another hot tub - about a 10 min walk away."
Just sayin' -- J's action wholly inappropriate here. You are neither worker's chaperone or parent. Not sure why she felt compelled to awaken you about some possible future contingent sleep interruption when L might or might not be noisy upon her return...
-----
When favors are assumed it takes away a person's chance to be generous. And it is surprisingly painful to be robbed of the chance to be generous.
Bets,
Just arrived & truly, the stress is starting to diminish. It has been almost painful for the last few days.
Got off the plane & had text from J that Ru has a cold & she is keeping him in. Good plan. Told her that & sent him a hug. It is her first day back since the fiasco.
Agency are training another work & seem to be "on it". I'm still not sure how much I will say or won't say to them. Thinking...
Barb
Underdog,
Good point. I hant thought about her waking me up. She could have phoned Security if she was worried. She also started talking about he incident the next day to me, told me L was asleep in the next room. Last week she told me L had heard our conversation. I think she set me up!
As for the expecting favours - yep - I have ownership in that. I have taken advantage of the offers & now it has come back to bite me in the butt.
Barb
Barb,
I think the last post was directed to OT and not me? LOL
Believe me, I'm taking notes as well. Since D17 turns 18 in less than 60 days and is moving off a child program into adult services, I've had to educate myself extensively on how this will play out. Just today, I pulled the trigger on the agency I want to use to implement her plan (interviewed 3 of the 40+ respondents--I had 3 more set up, but figured it was wasting time since I was already enamored with candidate #1). I'm guilty of these things as well. Back when she was in elementary school, we had a provider service that continually placed flaky girls as the caregivers. I won't even elaborate on the last straw. I think because I expressed my concerns directly without having a hissy fit, the director dismissed me. After I fired them, I found out that she was under some sort of audit and probation with the state and eventually lost her certification. I really wasn't surprised. She ran a really unprofessional environment. We then went to our most excellent sitter/my adopted daughter. Night and day.
So thank you for sharing this here. I'm really using some of the lessons learned here when interviewing these agencies, and will continue to keep them in the forefront if I decide to interview respite caregivers for after school. I haven't decided on that yet. I do know that I will approach them similarly to how I approach my employees. Accessible, friendly, stated clear expectations. It's just prudent.
Good luck and enjoy your vacation!
Hugs-Bets
Hey Bets - yep - it was for OT - got up at 5 today - I'm a bit "off" today.
I know there's a lot in what nice written here. I appreciate those of you who have read it, tried to understand and brought up very valid points. Because I know I contributed to this situation - still - who expects a week like this with the girls you just took to Disney World.
But Bt s - I'm glad it is helping you in your decisions too.
Barb
So - on Day 2 in Florida - trouble has occurred. The agency provides the workers for 12 hours a day.(8 am to 8 pm) This week I am paying a girl privately (former worker) for overnight (8 pm to 7:30 am) J refused to come in for 7:30 so we could make it work so we had to bring in another worker who will actually be of for 1.5 hours due to minimum time and drive time. So that is sucky for 4 nights this week & 3 next week til Ashley gets back.
Tonight I got called from the overnight girl at 7:45 pm that she was stuck in the snow enroute to our house in a whiteout and she wasn't even sure where she was. (It is about a 35 min drive to our house). So I called J who told me her boyfriend had come to pick her up & she would be leaving. I begged her to stay the night - she refused. She trained the new J today - I asked if she could stay but the agency said no. WHAT???
So I had to scramble. Found a neighbour who would come stay at the house tonight. I phoned J back to tell her my neighbour would be over in 15 min. Then she was the wonderful J - all helpful & promising she would be in in the morning.
Some relaxing time!
Barb
OMG!
How could ANY decent human being actually LEAVE Ryan ALONE there????
Thank God for your neighbor. This is a horrible situation -- what kind of person or agency would ever endanger one of their clients!!!!!
I am speechless.
Glad it's worked out ... for now.
Just deplorable!
Yep! I sure didn't sleep all night. When she I asked her to guarantee she'd be in in the morning she replied "of course - my car is in your driveway!" Unbelievable! Overnight girl texted me at 1 AM that she was finally home. She had left for my house at 7 PM.
But my talks with the agency went well today, josh & I feel that with them working 12 hour shifts (J really pushed for this - me - not so much) that they then don't have any flexibility to stay extra when needed. There is another worker we could hire for shorter shifts but he is a smoker & can't go 12 hours without smoking. (We don't allow smoking at our home, in our van or around Ryan). j & T quit smoking to take the job.
The agency was aware there were problems with J but that we & Ryan liked her (she really has been good up til now). They also said she is not our only option & they think her time with us is about done. I asked them not to do anything until we were covered with enough staff & we would all talk it through. With this type of worker - there will be repercussions. We need to head that off at the pass. I know I ignored too many signs for too long.
And my builder is asking for more $ for Ryan's Reno. The budget & estimate were $25,000 to $35,000. I've now spend $39,600. Apparently that price does not include the windows & doors, siding, sidewalk heating or bricks as none of that has been paid for. I just paid an unexpected bill for the excavation & concrete that I thought the builder was laying of 7,300 and now he wants another $10,000 that I really don't have. I've emailed him today & tried to ohone to see what we can work out but to tell you the truth - I just don't know what to do.
And my brakes are being replaced as we speak to a tune of $750! Nice day, huh?
Barb
Do you have a written estimate or contract with your general Contractor? This sounds a little off to me.
SP: Yes - I have a written estimate but he seems to have lowballed a lot. The excavation, apparently, was more involved due to underground pipes and wires. The custom siding was nearly twice as much as estimated. And so it goes. I honestly don't think he did his homework very well.
But the builder and I had a long talk today and worked towards a mutual compromise. Not on the price - but on the payment terms. It WILL end up over $50,000 but we are going to slow down the work and not finish till May or June. I can then pay $3-4,000 a month for the next few months. Still difficult but not impossible.
And although this is Ryan's addition to his room and Ryan and I were paying for it - Josh just gave me a couple grand toward the sidewalk part of the project. This also greatly eases the burden. I never expected this. He just did it.
Stress is lifting.
Barb
Update on the caregiver situation. J is off work for a few days as per her schedule. 2 workers were in today as one is in training. Told me it was the worst drive of their life. The snow was incredible! Josh left early this morning to drive up then worked from our home this afternoon. He wanted to be sure that no blizzard would prevent him from getting to our house.
Had a 90 min conversation with our agency supervisor. I told her about all the things that happened last week and all the things J told me she could not/would not do. She told me that EVERYTHING she has been asked to do was acceptable under our contract. Is a private contract that allows for her to pick up things for me while at Walmart, take Ryan to the dr, put the garbage & recycle out, change lightbulbs, take the van in for oil changes and snow tire removal etc. All of it. She does not know where J got the info that she could not do these things that are all in her job description. She is a Personal Support Worker, not a Registered Nurse.
She is going to get all the staff together and go over what they can and cannot do, how to respect and assist the entire family as well as Ryan. She will see how that goes.
We are training another new worker as well. Setting ourselves up in the event J leaves.
And she will be dealing with all the things that went wrong the other night. Making sure that the girls are prepared to stay if necessary and realizing when there is a true emergency.
All in all - the supervisor was extremely supportive and I feel much less stressed.
Got my brakes fixed and my car back after 24 hours. Ashley and I had a decent day and can now move fwd.
WHEW!
Barb
Her job description says that she should take the car in for oil and tire changes? I'd be careful with that stuff...regardless of what the agency says it can easily become exploitive in the mind of the worker. One lady I dated, who had a back issue, was a PSW and put in charge of cleaning out her employers basement. What that had to do with caring for the disabled son is beyond me! IMHO, a PSW is hired to care for the disabled individual, not to be everything to the whole family. But, that said, when you work in a home environment there has to be give and take on both sides. It's not an easy environment to be the employed or the employer. There are lots of dynamics that come into play. Go slow and work out something with your employees that will be acceptable to both parties.
...and J needs to learn not to offer stuff she'll come to resent just to be liked by her employer! But, you're not her therapist either
Wii: The PSWs are given a van for Ryan which they drive every day to a town 20 min away. If I take the van to get the work done on it - they have to stay home. They PREFER to do it themselves. Particularly because the oil change place is right by the program he goes to and he doesn't even have to get out of the car. The place where we get the snow tires on & off is in a nice plaza. They can shop for Ryan's clothes while there and they enjoy that. Truth is - no one has ever argued about doing it - she just didn't want to carry the tires to and from the van (about 2 feet in the garage). All she had to do was tell us that - we would have done it.
Barb
Makes sense. Just trying to point out the dynamics can be tricky in these situations. Carry on
I don't want to fuel something that isn't there, but your general contractor sounds like he is WAAAAY out of line. Did anything change in the course of construction, or is it being built just as he original bid it? If nothing changed, It was HIS mistake, or lack of ability, that caused him to under estimate your job. He is responsible to get bids from the sub-contractors and hold them to it. If their costs were way over, that is your GC's problem, not yours. That is the whole purpose of a bid, and it is enforceable in court. Where I live, its 20%. He can only go 20% over his original bid, barring any change orders. HE is supposed be the professional. HE is supposed to know what it takes and what the costs will be, and by providing a bid, he is giving you a written word. This sort of thing just ruffles my feathers.
SP: It sure ruffles my feathers too. It is also draining MY bank account. I just don't think he got all his bids in. There is very little changed from the original estimate. I have not added fancy extras. This is for a very small room. For instance - the custom wood siding - manufactured coloured - to match the rest of the house if $2,000 for a room that is less than 100 sq feet and almost all window but it is an additional $2000 in labour to install. Unbelievable!
Barb
Barb,
You need to discuss this with someone local, who can go over the bid and the additional costs. It sounds like your contractor is playing the classic bait and switch. "some" amount of overage is to be tolerated, but it sounds like he didn't just blow his bid. The amounts you are describing sound like complete negligence. It's not fair, and it is not legal to do business this way. I would put my foot down.
Please, tell me that you have held back on paying him until the job is completed.
I won't be paying any more until I have all the final costs in writing NS the work done. It's just not right.
Barb
It comes in bunches, doesn't it Barb. Hang in there!
Well, now I've got the flu...it just keeps getting better lol. First the sensor on my camera blew (4-8 weeks to fix), then a few days later my car dies and is scrapped, and now I have the flu...after travelling back and forth for an hour each way on public transit in -10-20 C temperatures. I texted Pastor this morning and told him not to pick me up and it's a good thing I did. I feel like crap. Also the heater in my living room just died and somebody ripped off my heater at work. I'm just waiting for my turtle to say "why don't you just curse God and die". Seriously though, I can't imagine how the homeless could live in this...it's beyond me. Anyway, if you're still with me, I have a question. I have a co-worker who lives about two minutes away from me and people keep asking why I don't ask her to drop me off after work. She knows my situation, where I live and it's barely out of her way. Part of the reason I don't ask is that I'm stubborn and don't want to depend on someone else. The other reason is I don't want to put someone in a position by asking where they have to say yes whether they want to or not. She's not responsible for my transportation, I am. I also don't want a co-worker resenting me as a pain. My boss asked me why I didn't ask her and I said that if my co-worker wants to offer she will, if she doesn't she won't and I don't want to put her in an uncomfortable situation by asking... and so far she hasn't offered. Am I correct in my thinking or am I being a stubborn old mule?
oops, did it again Barb! Sorry...but there's no delete button.
Barb,
♡░H░A░P░P░Y░♡
♡░B░I░R░T░H░D░A░Y░♡
Have a wonderful day!!!!!!!
xx Summer
Well, that was supposed to say a fancy
HAPPY
BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
Have a wonderful day!
Thanks Summer
That's a neat message, I kike it!
Barb
Did I miss it? Sorry if I did, I have been so busy with two jobs, I barely get online. Hope you had an extra special day!
kat
It was yesterday, Kat but no worries. My birthday seems to start Dec 26 & runs till Easter. No kidding. I've had to learn to just roll with it.
Barb
DANG! I am so darned behind!
I just now realized I didn't have your thread bookmarked Barb.
I'm so sorry to see all the trouble you have been having. I can't imagine the fear and frustration that you are experiencing.
All I can say is, I am continually impressed by the way you handle everything. You are one super strong lady!!!!
Thanks Mish! That makes me feel great!
Still working through all the stuff that was dumped on me. The agency is meeting with all the workers tomorrow at our house. I have sent a list of guidelines for workers that I wrote about 4 years ago. Still relevant today. Things seem to have settled down for the most part.
The builder is still blowing through my $. He has sent me new invoices listing hours etc. I have asked him for hours sheets. He says he can get the windows in next week which is great. I let him know that the well is running dry and we will need to put finishes on hold until Spring. I think he is "getting" it.
My childhood friend is visiting me currently and we are going on a Princess Cruise on Sunday! I think it will be awesome and I'm glad to be away from all the drama.
Life goes on…
Barb
OOOH!!!!! You know how I LOVE to cruise!
Which ship?
Regal Princess. Visits Princess Cay, St Thomas, St Maarten. I can't wait!
Barb
Awesome! Megan's Bay in St. Thomas is the MOST beautiful beach! Love it!
Been there a few times - just love it. My friend has not been. We are definitely going again!
Barb
I worked for Princess Cruises one summer while I was in nursing school. Just ground staff. It was one of the worst jobs I had! Lol. But I did get to meet Randy Travis.
Cool! The staff really are worked hard.
Today we are in St Maarten. Snorkelling, catamaran & private beach. Lovely!
Barb
AWESOME!
Yes, the staff are worked to death! It seems like it would be a horrible job but so many of them seem to truly enjoy it. I know it has to be a great opportunity for most but 16-18 hour work days would kill me in less than a week!