wow. I can't believe it's been 3 years post bd. so much has changed and yet so much remains the same. I haven't posted in ages and I think partly it was because I didn't know what to say. I often felt I should stop whining and just get over it. But there are so many things that run through your mind.. So many things you need to say.. That friends and family have long stopped listening to.. If that makes any sense.
H and I have been separated for about 3 years now. No formal separation papers.. No talk about D.. I'm not sure whether this is because I'm scared that it will really finalize things or whether it's just because there doesn't seem to be a need at the moment. There are moments where i feel like punching him out and think.. I NEED A D! But the after the moment, I just leave it to rest.
We live separate lives.. Cordial.. Friendly.. He has been good with money.. I have the kids full time with him taking the kids every other weekend. We try and accommodate if the other has to work... It's all very weird. For ex. This Christmas.. Big family dinner at my mom's and he is there also.
I really don't know what the heck I'm doing. I was dating for a while but one day I realized.. I wanted to be alone rather than with any of these guys. I don't know if it's just because I haven't met the right one.. Or whether I am destined for spinsterhood. I have periods of extreme sadness that I am alone but then have moments where I feel.. Thank goodness I'm alone rather than be weighed down by someone who didn't love me.
But for the most part I know I'm a better person today. Stronger.. Kinder.. I recognize how much I value empathy.. Integrity.. And so I try to I still these in my kids. Some days i feel I totally suck as a parent but then there are others where I feel I'm doing ok.
Ok.. Some weirdness I have been wanting to just vent about and say.. What the???? H was telling me how he had taught the kids to cast a fishing line (because his mom had given the kids fishing poles on her last visit).. And then he said to me "you should get a fishing pole" to which I said "why???". And he said "so we can go fishing". It's these type of things where I need to just say what the???????
Yes,
I get the WTF very well. My wife (who does not wear her rings and may have a PA going on and is planning on moving out) will state things like..."We are almost out of wood...what will we do next year...where are we going during spring break...we need new windows" REALLY, you must be kidding, are you out of your mind? WTF?
It comes from her wanting the security of the relationship and your H may want that also, or he may be reaching out (I do not know the extent of your situation) or he may just want to do somthing with you and the kids for the kids sake. All of these are possibilities. Sorry that I did not have much for you but know that this is common...
Yesterday at my W family Christmas party (annual, been going for entire 12 years of R) she says, "You can still come to this every year... Will you want to?" She didn't like my answer of, "who knows how either of us will feel next year, that's a long time away." Point is, I was thinking the exact same thing you were...WTF?? No clue what it means.
Hi BF!
I am solidly divorced, and the day my X finally moved into his own home (I bought our home....)he supposed he and I would be driving around in an RV when we were 70 visiting our grandkids.
Indeed WTF! I have been enjoying my time alone. I seem to attract losers. Or maybe Hawaii does ;-)
So maybe they just want to be friends. Heck with friends like that who needs enemies.
I miss my old life. But just the good parts, which in actuality were few and far between. I don't miss the part where pretty much I was his servant who asked "How high?" each time he said "Jump!"
And yes, lots of thoughts run through my head. With a strong desire to talk, mull, muse over the details. Like the line in the song "Miserable" by Lit we use up all of our friends.......
Anyway, keep floating!
Aloha,
Wendy
Hrdtims, thanks for the visit to my post. I don't know if it's any of the reasons you suggested. I've sort of put myself in the mindset of just closing the door and walking away. I mean.. When he leaves, I just say goodbye and shut the door. Or when I drive away, I don't look back. I don't want to put myself in the frame of mind where I dwell..
Here is the latest what the? Moment... We use to do some camping together. I introduced him to North American tent camping as he grew up doing the caravan by the beach in South Africa. He does way more camping now because he has the free time without the kids. Anyway, I have been thinking of doing a solo camp trip on the Oregon coast. I just want to read.. Stare at the ocean.. To be alone with my thoughts to feel and process whatever it is that needs to be processed. I mentioned to H (because we always have these casual conversations when we're in each other's company) and he went on to say.. 1 or 2 days is fine but usually people start feeling a loopy at the solitude after too much time. So I said.. Ok. Well maybe I will invite bff to come with me. Just the other day, he brought it up again and said.. Did I want to plan a trip together (camping/hiking)? We didn't even need to camp together but close by so that I wouldn't feel alone because there would be someone close by but not necessarily in my space.
Like.. What the?? So weird.
Wendy.. I don't think the losers are exclusive to Hawaii. Lol
Most of my WTF moments occur when X is genuinely surprised I am participating in a family event, as at our daughter’s recent graduation. I used to try to be considerate of her, participating, but remaining in the background. No more, perhaps she is having WTF moments now.
I made a solo trip to Yosemite last summer. It was wonderful. Of course there were moments when I reflected and wished she was present, but I proved to myself I am fine solo and will continue to be so. You will be fine also and as you take each step along your path you have an opportunity to grow stronger.
Hi, BF, glad you checked in.
I think the term spinster needs to be retired and replaced with something that expresses, "Single and totally OK with it."
"Independently owned and operated"
Mvg.. next year is a long ways away. And yet it will be here in a blink of an eye! Ack!
Today's what the? Moment came via text...
He had asked about work and I mentioned how some coworkers had thought it would be best for me to speak with one of the new grads about an issue that had come up with her practice.. I am sort of one of the more gentler nurses on the floor and I have a softer approach (I don't feel it's necessary to bully these younger girls who are just starting out). I was saying that I didn't really want to do it because really.. Who likes to do things like this but, that I did feel it would better for me to talk to her than some of the others. H replied "you do have that gift of keeping things going in a positive direction". A few weeks back he had made some comment about me being gifted at nursing. Lol. So there's the what the? I'm not a horrid person!
lol
Hi BF,
We used to (may still in the future) camp also with the kids. Lots of fun. We were discussing New Years Eve and she stated wht we could not do a event due to the kids...and then started to say but maybe when they are gone...but stopped herself.
I feel for her - obviously (over 20 years together) - she is a good person that is just so undecided on what to do. This is the stem of her WTF statements...
We talked on how to move on with financial arrangements and her moving out yesterday and I thought that it was moving forward but this morning she did not know again. I truly wish she would committ to saying or leaving..
Best of luck, close the door if it is time.
I like these new terms!
BF, you are kinder, gentler.
I decided that this thread will be dedicated to all the what the? Moments. I have 2 today.
"If a bear starts biting, jab it in the eye with a knife" uh.. Like.. What the?????? Lol! This was in a junior explorer book that my gf's son got for Christmas.
Yesterday.. On New Year's Eve.. I was bitten by a shark! Ok.. My friends have sharks teeth (like the whole mouthful) up on a shelf. At their New Year's Eve party last night, those teeth came down and the darn thing attacked me. Seriously?? How bizarro. Lol. It hurt! But I survived.
Sounds like a fun party! We Canucks know how to celebrate, don't we!
Barb
Barb.. Lol. I was visiting friends in Powell river. It requires 2 ferries to get there. They had people over for New Year's Eve. People with kids. The kids had sparklers and banged pots and pans about midnight EST. Adults did not last that much longer afterwards.
I was in bed by about 1030-1100? What the??? But it was nice. I had fun. We started the evening at a hockey game. Canada eh?
Great Canadian New Year! We went to a lovely little restaurant in our town that opened for the holidays. Some people cancelled due to the snow. Then we watched Keith Urban & Nick Jonas for New Years Eve Niagara Falls (my hometown) on TV.
We are digging in our heels for another big snowstorm heading our way, supposed to pass by tomm. Good thing because I am "outta here" - headed to the south for fun in the sun. I may be Canaidan but i really hate snow!
Barb
I have been sick for the past week. Ugh. I hate being sick! But on a happier note.. I'm in love! And it only cost me $35. I bought myself a labeler and it is life changing. For reals!
So H has been sick too. He had a lingering fever (4 days) and I told him to go see the Dr. He had been txting me asking for advice on what to do for the fever that just didn't seem to go away. Finally I told him to see a Dr because I didn't like the fever bit. Turns out its strep. Today he texts asking if everyone is ok.. No symptoms? I told him kids are fine. And so he asks why I always avoid including myself as a concern when he asks.
Seriously... The mind of these WAS is bizarre. I didn't answer the question. Just told him about my new love. What the?
I know things are different. In the past I would have answered and probably end up talking about my feelings.. And how hurt I might have felt.. Blah blah.. These days I feel there are just some stuff better left unsaid. Like the time he fell asleep and didn't pick up the kids from school (his dad was always late when he was younger and I know it really bothered him). I felt very upset for the kids.. Initially. But I didn't say anything. Because in the end, I really didn't need to. Because saying something would have been just for my own satisfaction of having said something. He felt bad enough.. Didn't need me to make him feel even worse.
A lot of things changed when I hit 40. I always understood how precious time is but I really feel it. With this weird sense of urgency.
I'm going through an identity crisis. Seeing barely floating as my name was just so depressing since I definitely don't feel like I'm barely floating anymore. And now there are these guidelines that the name has to be between a certain amount of letters.... What's short for barely floating? The first thing that popped into my head was Barf but that also did not seem appropriate.
so it's been briefly changed to smilie (because in college some friends would call me smilie Chris) but that also doesn't seem right because it's i recognizable. Lol. I'm waiting now... I've settled on BFloat or Bfloats.. Can't quite remember. Not sure why it didn't occur to me to shorten it this way earlier... Oh the drama!
I felt a sadness today which I haven't felt in a long time. Most days I'm on this clear path moving forward. Where I plan things for the kids and I.. Where I consider selling my place and wondering where to move..
But then there are these moments... This morning I woke up and my closet doors were open. Everything is hung very neatly and I had been labelling stuff the day before... I looked at everything and thought, I have a lot of stuff! And then suddenly I could actually picture what it looked like when H's stuff was hanging on his side of the closet.. And it made me sad... Not for H. But for all that has changed.
Things I don't miss..
-tiptoeing around H and trying not to rock the boat with him
-feeling anxious every time he was on his phone texting
-feeling not good enough after discovering the EAs and the PA
-always trying to be accommodating to keep him happy
My lesson for today.. Close the closet doors before going to bed.
It's OK to feel that way sometimes. Divorce suucks...and it should suuck! Deep wounds and sadness will raise their heads periodically. What we all lost was important. I too, don't miss all the b.s. of my W and the tiptoeing etc but I do miss being a family sometimes, I miss that feeling that at least one part of my life was secure...wrong, but it was nice to think that. So feel it, let it go and move on and boil some bunnies lol!
Things I don't miss..
-tiptoeing around H and trying not to rock the boat with him
-feeling anxious every time he was on his phone texting
-feeling not good enough after discovering the EAs and the PA
-always trying to be accommodating to keep him happy
Yes we all have those days, at least we did until we stop having them and trust me eventually you will thank goodness! However your "things I don't miss" list above is very familiar to me and I found not missing them once my ex moved out to be absolutely priceless and well worth the pain of everything else in the long run - i.e. the rejection of my ex and having to start over.
Best,
BA
Yea, for all that has changed and all that was planned. I know this also. Such was the life I thought we were planning. I believe we all do and having these feelings illustrates to me at least that we are human and in touch with our realities.
In my experience life has a way of running in cycles and self balances. The highs and lows level out after a while and I am attempting to make a little positive bias here, to me this how to use perception.
Others may look upon my situation and perceive it as less than as or worse than it is, based upon my perception. It is my perception that matters to me and if I am happy and upbeat then I am making my situation better.
BFloat - I like your new name...
I would think it would be weird not to have moments of sadness after building and sharing a life for for so many years. Some days we'll grieve the loss of the M, others the loss of the friendship, or the loss of shared plans, interests, dreams...
I would think these things won't completely go away, perhaps just diminish with time?
And yes - then there are the times when something triggers a memory and I think - "I don't miss that."
In my case, what has changed is how I react to these moments and how long I linger in them - less and less for sure.
Time does help heal...
It's good to see some old familiar folks posting. I think I might start a new thread too.
(BFloat)
Thanks for all the support. For the most part, I am good. Happy. There are just these occasional dips that people don't get unless they've been through it themselves. These moments don't linger like they use to... And a quick reminder of all H has put me through shakes sense back into me.
KG.. I hope you do start a new thread! I just like to know about how friends are doing. Even just the mundane everyday... I miss that!
As for the new bizarre.. Found out BIL cheated on SIL! She left a teary voice msg. I was left a little speechless since I haven't had contact with her in over a year. I think she stopped talking to me when she knew that H was dating other women.. Or maybe she had even met them? Anyway, quite shocking as I never would have thought BIL would do this! Apparently BIL has been talking with H (his younger brother).. And H has been encouraging her to speak with me.
Like.. What the??? So I can share my wisdom on being the scorned wife? Or... Relive the aftermath of being left with 2 small kids? We can sit around a campfire singing Kumbaya while discussing how messed up it is that both H's grandfathers cheated on their wives.. How their uncle had entirely different family for years without anyone's knowledge.. And their father cheating on their mom with multiple women for multiple years... Sad that thy both were fully aware of their father's behaviour and opposed it.. And just ended up doing the same thing.
Venting today. Took day off work to get my bearings back in order. It's new year's... Need to just recenter.
'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' is a truism because it's true.
We just keep repeating the same mistakes until we wake up. And then doing the work is so difficult. It came to my attention just this week that I'm still parenting in ways I learned as a child and that I swore I wouldn't do to my children.
I got a chuckle from the kumbaya story.