Hi all,
I have a question which I am finding puzzling about dating.
I am really struggling on the dating thing because guys ask me out and then text me incessantly. Like, all day. 30+ messages a day.
So I try and make an effort and text back, trying to space out the texting with gaps because a) I am very busy and b) it is very annoying, and they get huffy that I am a 'bad texter' and then they assume I'm not interested. We haven't even had a proper date yet!
It's not that I am not interested or I wouldn't have given them my number, but the texting puts me right off. One guy even stated calling me 'babe' over text. Babe!!! We'd had one conversation and he was calling me babe?!
I question myself as to whether I am just too used to being independent but suddenly having to describe me day in minutiae as it happens over text is a shock to the system when I am used to being entirely unaccountable. But between meeting these seemingly nice guys and them asking for my number and the first date there are all these texts then that puts me off the first official date.
Has anyone else found this?? This has happened to me 4 times now (I only started dating again recently) and I can't seem to get passed this.
Thanks
Hey, I'm a guy and women have given me their number to text and I might text "have a great day" but I would never text someone 30 x a day or more...that's kind of nuts! I guess just be glad you've discovered this before meeting them. Is there any way of with holding your number for a bit and just messaging? Although my experience is that woman who are interested want to get you offline real quick. unfortunately, the dating world is full of God's whole gamut of creations! Wow, and I thought I looked desperate for texting right back lol.
Well, only one of these guys I've met online. The others have been in person, like at cycling club, through friends and a singles night. They've all done it.
I'd say, I prefer to just meet them because you kind of know then whether you like each other or not and that's why, if I'm online, I prefer to just meet guys, purely because I don't have time to message that much.
I thought it was just a one off thing but it is reoccurring. I just wondered if texting is the new dating!
the first text I ever received in my life was from a woman I was seeing. I asked a co-worker why my phone was making this funny buzzing noise...and she told me I was receiving a text. Huh? The lady was texting me from a doctors appointment and she was bored. My co-worker had to show me how to reply to a text. What a stud, eh lol.
Froggy, you are a true Luddite!!!!!
Hey Jula! Maybe you could let them know that you are pretty busy and while you want to date you dont have time to text very often. Say it right up front. If they aren't ok with that, they aren't for you.
Hope everything else is going well.
kat
Hey, maybe us guys like texting because it means we don't have to put more than one meaningful sentence together at a time lol!
Hey, it's not just the guys. I met a woman on a dating website, and she was constantly texting me too. And there was a time (during my trial divorce) where one woman was texting me, another was instant messaging me on the computer, while I was on the dating website. It helped me to see that a divorce was not the end of the world.
BTW, I cancelled my date with Miss Texter just because of her constant texting.
Wet, did you dump her by texting lol?
No, by email which still seems wrong.
Kat, I did try with guy number 2 to say, look I just can't text during the day because of my job. He said, well can you text in the evening and I said well, yes. It was constant again. Back and forth, I really didn't have anything to say, what can you say over text?! Then he called me a bad texter, when I was really making an effort. Rude!
Wet, I also just cancelled my date with the latest incessant texter (by text!!). Another guy not even made it to the first date. It was mainly also his spelling and grammar. I cannot help but judge when someone writes 'Anythink' instead of 'anything'!! He would have had to have consciously written that as there is no way you can blame that on predictive text
I am a bad, judgemental person!
Oh well, onward on the dating game. I think maybe it isn't gender specific, maybe it is just how it is done. It is nice to know someone is thinking about me but like gabbysmom says, it is too much!
Whatis, you made me laugh. Texting is so prevalent in dating you have even had to learn to text to date?! What is the world coming to!!
I still don't Twitter though...whatever that is lol!
Well my 2 cents is that if someone is constantly texting you and wanting a reply back immediately - that translates to me as being "needy, clingy and high maintenance" and I don't think you want that in your life! Good that you see it before you even get invested in the relationship. Just move on to the next one. I found that online dating required the patience of a saint at times but the payoff is there if you are persistent - at least it was for me!
BA
BA is absolutely right. Especially if you're doing online dating, about one out of every ten guys that sent me a message was insane in some form or another. Patience is key!
Only one in ten? That's pretty good! When BA and you say "patience" in what way do you mean that?
Only one in ten? That's pretty good! When BA and you say "patience" in what way do you mean that?
What I mean by "patience" is don't give up on the process just because you encounter a few freaks. I had several starts and stops along the way - some didn't work for me and some didn't work for the other person. Some were simply frightening - but in the end I found gold at the end of the rainbow. I'm glad I hung in there - because I certainly wasn't having any luck meeting anyone outside of the online dating circle.
BA
I think the nice thing about online dating is that the people there are openly looking to meet someone so there's no misunderstandings in that regard. Whereas other places you just don't know whether someone is interested in that or not...and you don't want to go there in case it all goes bad.
Hey BA, didn't you meet the lady who got plastered at your initial meet? She was fun!
Lol Wii - Yes that was the infamous date with "Valerie" who after slamming back 4 or 5 drinks wanted to drive me to her house - which I tactfully declined! She was a definite one and done dating adventure. :-)
BA
I think the Valerie's are tolerable, it's so evident they aren't the one! But, what I found is that there's a lot of ambivalence out there. It's easy to throw up a profile, wait for messages to pour in, message with people, maybe talk on the phone but when it comes to meeting and then deciding whether to move on to dating...women (and probably men too) can get kind of wacko. Again, I think at my age at least, if you're on a dating site you've been through some pain and despite what people might say, leaving that behind and making yourself vulnerable, even a little bit, is scary. I think the key is not to personalize what people do to you...I still haven't mastered that one!
LOL, texting is a blessing and a curse, all wrapped up in one. It's a blessing with my D20. But a curse for the others who want to have a complete conversation without chatting. I totally hate that.
Long ago, I told my good friends if they wanted more than an answer to a question, they better call. I need glasses to text, and I just hate fumbling around when speaking resolves all the issues.
Ok, so I'm totally laughing that you ended things with a text to a text-a-holic. That seems totally fitting! But I'm also in your camp that it's no substitute for real communication. I won't have a texting R.
Or an alcoholic one either. BTDT. Got the T-shirt too!
No textual healing for Betsey then lol!
LOL!!!! That's hilarious, Wii Gaye.
Lol you are giving me encouragement to go on! It's quite exhausting dating though. That's why I avoided online as all the messaging, I just don't have the time or investment so early on in a 'relationship', I don't know what the term would be. I have to meet and connect with someone and then I am happy to message if I like them.
I just can't imagine why someone wants to text constantly to someone they don't know? What do they ask you?
Oh god, to be honest I can't really remember it's so inane. Off the top of my head I've had,
'how was your day?' ok, that's fine but then they want intricacies when there really is just nothing to say unless you were there. Or too much for a text!
'What kind of guys do you like?'
'What are you doing?'
'Why are you single?'
'What are you up to at the moment'
Some of them are clearly over-step-the-markers! The 'what are you doings' are annoying, I don't mind a 'how's thing's today?' or 'How're you?' but not what am I doing. It feels intrusive.
I've deleted them all or I could give you an example. The
'Buy anythink nice babe' is the one that really sticks out!!
Ugh!
I spent over a week emailing with a woman i'd met online. She asked me things like "what did you learn from your divorce?" and "Tell me about your faith" Guys are a little more simple...babe lol!
Hahahahahahaha!
It's true! Geez! Why would you ask that?!
I should stop whinging, sounds like I'm getting off lightly
That guy is out there for you. Maybe he just doesn't know he is looking for you yet.
. You are such a wonderful person. I hope he shows up when you are ready for him.
kat
I'm ready I'm ready
No actually, after Christmas would be much more convenient
I really hope it happens soon. I mean, I'm am fine on my own, generally a very happy person, but it would be really nice to meet someone nice now.
Not like the other people I have been out with post divorce... there have been some right losers. Some I knew at the outset were losers, others were slower to reveal their loser behaviour.
I'm going to New Zealand for 2 weeks at Christmas to scope out jobs for next year. Maybe a nice kiwi guy will sweep me off my feet.
Or alternatively my friend met a guy on EasyJet and was preggers 5 months later. Hoping I find more romance than that
I would hope for a kiwi guy.
. I can't shake the Irishman I met all those many moons ago. I wouldn't mind a kiwi or Aussie either. I am still not pushing. I have recently realized that I have my walls up still. I thought I was ready but still scared of getting hurt. So maybe not as ready as I thought.
Crossing my fingers for you.
kat
Ooh, Irish men are great. I'm trying to be enthusiastic about an Irish guy that seems to be keen. We met cycling. On paper, perfect. In reality, I just don't fancy him. I'm going on a third date to make sure.
Fingers crossed for a nice kiwi guy. Last time I was there, there were a few potentials but I was dating (me being totally blind to what a loser he actually was) Joe so I turned down some chances of guys I actually liked.
I know what you mean about the walls but I have found the more I see guys, the more open I am to it. I just try and stay in control of my feelings these days. Hurt protection I guess, until I am sure they are worthy of my feelings.
I am trying to decide to make room in my life/ my house for someone else. A little scary though. You remember that heart shaped freckle on the inside of my right arm? I still have it. The little line that ran through it initially has moved so now it seems to be just at the bottom of the heart.
I believe in signs. This one is a good one to me.
kat
It's easy to whip up a profile, watch the messages pour in and message back but when it comes down to meeting and being vulnerable...that's a challenge for a lot of people. I know myself that I put my whole being into my last relationships with SDA Lady and it scares me to think I could become so involved emotionally with someone else only to realize down the road that it isn't gonna work. I loved her and probably still do in so many ways. There's no way of knowing whether you will have to face that pain again though. I guess the only way to find out is to reach out and see what happens. I had coffee with a lady in my last endeavor who had been divorced for 9 years (that was the emailing lady) and it turned out she pulled herself off the site and told me she just wasn't ready. Who really knows.