I decided my thread was getting too long so I better start a new one before they lock it. Of course, what better day than New Year's Day to start one?
Today is a relaxing day and I am spending it watching football and contemplating my next steps for the next year.
As I've said before, I'm not good at setting goals. I'm sure it's out of fear of failure but I'm trying to pick just 2 goals to meet in the next 3 months. I'm hoping that by picking two small goals with a short time limit I may accomplish them. I'm narrowing down what those will be but I'll share them once I decide.
For now, Happy New Year to each and every one of you. I hope it brings you many blessings and lots of new beginnings.
Happy New Year. Ummmm I think the trick when setting goals is to make sure they are attainable and have a time frame. If you set goals that are hard to reach you will feel like a failure. Set small goals at 1st. reach them and than move on to bigger things.
Mish,
I actually worked with a Girl Scout troop on goal setting.
What I have found that helps is to identify the goals, and then sublist the things you will do to reach the goal. For example:
I will lose 10 lbs by the end of February
1. I will keep a food journal
2. I will walk 3x/week, and weight lift on other days
3. I will do something fun that gets me off the couch on 1 weekend day that keeps me moving. Like bowling or riding my bike or ice skating.
4. I'll walk 2x/wk on my lunch break
If you can identify the steps you can make that help you focus, it's so much easier to achieve them.
Gineen is right on not making too many. If you do too much, you'll short circuit and bomb out.
I need to work on some goals myself. I have a lot more than 10 to take off, and I want to commit to that this year myself.
Good luck!
Betsey
Hi Mishka!
I actually read something a few years ago about setting goals. Can't remember where I read it. But I did write about it on my old threads. It works for me,
When you have a goal and a corresponding behavior you need to change to meet that goal pay attention to your failures. And don't hate on yourself. If you do the wrong behavior just be aware of that. And maybe 10 times you will do the wrong behavior. And then maybe the next 10 times you will do the wrong behavior 9 times.
And the next time only 8 times. And so on. By paying attention you will make progress and soon you will be reaching your goals.
Aloha,
Wendy
I've been working on fixing my mindset. Correcting my own self-talk is very difficult but it's getting there.
Next step is in the works....
that's a great goal to have; i might adopt it too!
Mish,
OMG! I can't believe airfare. What happened???
I have to go to Palermo Italy in mid-April and air fares are *insane* -- like $1300!!!! What happened to $300 tix to London? How can I get over to the continent and land in Palermo for a reasonable price?
You are going to Europe at the beginning of high season. Hard to find deals then. You almost have to go in the winter to get a good fare. I am sure there might be some deals to be found . You might also check nearby cities in Italy to see if you can get a better rate. Also check your departure and return dates, weekends and Mondays are higher rates.
Hope this helps. kat
$1300 in spring to the continent is pretty good now. Keep in mind, nearly $500 of that total are 'fuel surcharges'. It's absurd, but it is what it is.
The only other idea I would have for getting any more discount is to find a consolidator that has contracted airfare. There are massive restrictions and they are hard to find now but it's worth a shot.
I'd suggest DFW Tours, Picasso Travel, or TFI Tours. Their websites are pretty clunky because they don't put their money into flashy web design so it's usually better to call them. They may or may not have a better deal but it's worth a try.
What dates exactly are you going?
Is it near Easter? Loads of tourists head to italy for easter.
Help me out here folks. I'm starting to chicken out on 'the talk' with Gabe after the cruise. Why? Well....graduation is coming in May and Marc leaves for boot camp in August so his graduation from that will be in October. It's all of these things I don't want to ruin by making him run for the hills.
Scaredy cat is back!
You are a woman that deserves to know where she stands in this relationship. You have great advice and kind words for everyone but yourself. You are a catch and deserve to be treated as such.
This has been a thorn in your side for two years! You will be having this discussion. You need to have some closure here one way or another. This is a new chapter regardless and you need to get it started out right!
Have faith! Love ya, kat
(((((mishka)))))
If he "runs for the hills" (which I doubt)....
Would you have MADE him? I don't think so. He would have chosen to.
Would YOU have ruined anything? NO! If anything was ruined, and I rather expect that would not be the result in any case) it would be totally wrong to come to the conclusion that you ruined it.
EXACTLY what the others said. Because I've been thinking this for a long, long time. There will never be a good time. There is always a reason to postpone this discussion. You are afraid of your future. But the future will happen just the same.
I know many people who are terrifed of "Empty Nest" syndrome. Afraid that they have to really take a serious look at their lives, their partners and take those rose coloured glasses off.
I lived like that for years. Afraid of confrontation when things were going wrong with my ex. Eggshell walking. What if I did this? What if I said that? I avoided it all to "Keep the Peace". Do what did it get? it fell apart anyway.
You deserve the life you really want and it's time to get that. It would be wonderful if Gabe stepped up to the plate and made a commitment to you. But even if he doesn't - it doesn't mean he's leaving - unless that's what you decide you want. But you DO need to talk. You need to both know where you stand. Maybe he can't commit. Maybe that's good enough. Or not. Only you know that.
But this is 2014. Make this YOUR year. Marc will love you both. He certainly has known what has been going on (for the most part) so it won't come as a great shock if there are changes.
DO what's best for you and know that we are here for you.
Barb
What is "the talk"?
Try not to "get'' anything out of him or interrogate him.
Just state your feelings, your needs, and your requests...
Gabe, I feel insecure in our relationship and I need a loving partnership in which I feel safe. I would like that to be with you. Are you willing to work on having a stronger relationship?
That's exactly it OT. I just want to state my needs. I don't expect anything from him other than an agreement to work toward a more committed, stronger relationship. Whatever comes of that comes of that.
The fear comes from where stating my needs has gone to in the past. Even though I make sure to only make statements and not place any pressures on him he takes it somehow as 'you aren't doing enough for me and I need more' and shuts down or runs. I haven't had any kind of discussion with him about this in 3 years because of it. This March will be 4 years since he came back and I feel very stuck.
Sorry, I meant to hit preview, not submit....
The other fear in my heart is that I will tell him that I need some input from him rather than just following along with whatever I want and that is going to lead to him asking me more questions. I know he will want to know specifically what I want. Am I supposed to tell him? What am I supposed to tell him? What can I tell him without scaring him??????
Honestly, I have thought a long time about this. I want to fully put our marriage back together. I know, I know.....why would I want to legally attach myself again? Why risk that? It's not the legality of it that is important to me, it's they symbolic attachment. My beliefs make that an integral part of my spirit. Having the relationship we have without the spiritual blessing actually is beginning to hurt my soul.
There, I said it. Good Lord, I said it.
Go ahead....let me have for being stupid.
Then tell him just that Mish. There is no point in living in constant fear. You are at the point where you can't ignore yourself anymore. You are not stupid, just afraid.. We all have fears hon, but it shouldn't prevent you from living the life you have ever right to have.
kat
I CAN'T!!!! Maybe liquid courage is required.......I have a couple of months before my self-imposed deadline.....
Writing a note, email, and texting work. You could even journal to each other.
There is no reason that you need to be armed with answers. What you want is a committed partnership. The first step is to identify and hear each other's needs.
Focus on being authentic to yourself.
Did you ever call into a co-dep group?
Mish, you want to be married, nothing stupid about that. What is stupid is if you keep living this endlessly with the same posts year after year after year! You have a right to ask for what you need. If he can't give it to you (and I know that's your fear) then you need to face it because this is not going to go away. Easier said than done, I know!
Mish, in my own life, I wanted my marriage more than anything in the world. At one point I came to the conclusion that I could not continue the way we were. I gave her an ultimatum...and she chose to end the marriage. It's not what I wanted but I have never regretted standing up for what I needed. She couldn't give it to me...end of that story but the beginning of a new one
Mish
I am not fully up to speed on your sitch. It looks like you are divorced but your XH came back. Now you are looking for more in the R.
FWIW, I agree with what everyone has posted to you. You matter. You have needs. You should not be afraid to speak you mind.
That said, as I think about it....maybe there is a happy medium. Maybe instead of sitting down and having a long talk...you can do this slowly and over time. For example: if one of the things you want is more intamacy (this is just an example - I am not sure if this is the case)....then find the right time to request that and only that. Then....wait for the opportunity to ask for your next need. So...instead of asking for everything at once, you are doing it over time.
Finally - YOU should not be afriad to lose him or anyone for that matter. I understand how you may want to avoid the pain. You do not control him though. He will ultimately do what he needs to do and you must do the same for you.
Good luck
Eric
OT, sorry I hadn't answered. Yes, I've been part of an online group for a few months now. It is opening me up quite a bit and I'm discovering more and more about how my childhood developed me to be codependent. I had a magnificent childhood until I was 15 and then it all crashed with my dad's death. My mom was great but it was just such a horrible age and she and I did the best we could but it was more scarring than I ever thought. My therapist had touched on it a bit in session a few times but I broke so hard every time that we weren't able to move much past it and then she retired. Everything stopped. *sigh*
I'm hearing what everyone is saying and I'm trying to take it in an process. I don't like living feeling like there is one foot out the door at all times even if it's not true. It feels that way, I'm sure because of past circumstances and results.
Writing notes, letters,texts, to him just won't work. He hates to read (he's dyslexic) so he skims and doesn't absorb the point. Talking directly to him is better but that's when he shuts down and walks away if he doesn't like what's being said. I just hope that he won't do that this time.
I'm going to take this time away with him to put out some feelers and formulate, finally, exactly what I want to say. I won't put any ultimatums on him, I won't pressure him to do anything at all. I want to simply state what I feel I need. Period. He will have to respond at some point about it but I want him to have time to think about it, not just give me a response right then and there because that's what he thinks I want. Does that make any sense?
Sorry, I haven't had enough coffee today and my brain is fuzzy. I left my travel mug sitting on my kitchen table and realized it halfway to work. UGH!
Thoughts?
Oh, and Eric, thank you so much for you reminder that I shouldn't be afraid to lose him. I try to remind myself of that every day but fear has been an overriding factor in my life for so long now that it's more second nature than anything else.
I've been journaling a lot trying to work through my thoughts and I think it's making me even nuttier! Heavens sakes!
The last week I have had nightmares about the broom showing up when we are trying to leave on vacation. I ask why she's there and she makes some kind of smart a$$ comment and I just start crying and leave.
WTH? That hasn't figured into my journaling AT ALL! It's crazy crazy crazy.
You still have that insecurity lurking. You are going to need to work that out.
In thee an tie why don't you make things easier and let Gabe know that you would like to get remarried. That should get the talk going. Or just ask him to marry you.
Maybe your mind is trying to come up with excuses because you are scared. Hon we all are to some degree. You can over come it.
kat
Don't know what the heck auto correct did. Just ignore it, you get the gist. Lol
LOL! I got it! Darned autocorrect.
Oh, I'll overcome it. The crazy dreams are just ticking me off. You are right, it's the insecurity coming out in my dreams but I'd just love to take control in my dream and say all the nasty things I've always wanted to say to her. That would be AWESOME! LOL I think I'd decide I was cured if I could do that.
Last night I didn't dream of her, instead I had a horrible dream that Marc was arrested and sent to prison for something really stupid (something that isn't actually a crime) and I was arguing and fighting with the judge about it and the next thing I knew I was in jail and there was some crazy woman in there that wanted me dead.
I kid you not! My crazy mind is coming up with doozies lately!
Sounds like an episode of Jersey Shore...only in Georgia!
We leave for our trip on Saturday. I'm so excited to be getting away but a small part of me is full of anxiety. No reason to be anxious really. Dumb.
Gabe is staying home right? This is also right ontop of your deadline so of course you are feeling a bit anxious. This is good for you. Buy the man a ring!
Have fun. kat
No, Gabe is going too.
Buy the man a ring?????? Are you serious???? Omg, I'd hyperventilate!
No, Gabe is going too.
Buy the man a ring?????? Are you serious???? Omg, I'd hyperventilate!
You are having a hard time expressing what you want, so show him. You can ask you know. Maybe he isn't sure that you want him. Maybe he is just as confused or flustered as you are when it comes to expressing himself.
Okay so have your one or ten drinks and go for it!
kat
Our trip was wonderful and relaxing and I'm so sad it's over.
Gabe was sick the first 3 days of it. I mean in bed, sick as a dog, fever, stomach mess. No bueno. It wasn't norovirus, just a standard bug.
I never got the courage to speak with him on the trip. I wasn't ever tipsy enough! I really have to wait now. There is so much going on with Marc's graduation coming up and him leaving for boot camp in August. I just can't rock the boat like that right now. It was just add much more stress to my load. I know I can't handle that right now.
Yes, I have to do it. I know, I know! I don't walk on eggshells really. I just don't express my feelings about our R. It's not going to kill me to wait it out. It's just aggravating to feel like I'm treading water all the danged time!
I know it's my decision to keep myself in this place but I just can't risk screwing up things for Marc.
Because if he freaks out and runs that would hurt Marc and at a very critical time in his life. I just can't take the chance.
The hits just keep coming don't they?
Now I'm super glad I didn't say anything to Gabe about my emotional crap. He just was notified that his company lost their biggest account and he is out of a job at the end of the month. Oh joy.
Now what do I do? I finally had a little bit of breathing room...not much, but a little...and it's gone. We all know how impossible it is to find any kind of a decent job now.
Mish,
What makes you so paralyzed with fear to withhold emotional intimacy? Have you ever considered that Gabe wants YOU to be that woman who is able to do this? What if you knew now that withholding it is a deal breaker for him? Would you share that part of you with him?
Someone has to go first. Why not you?
Betsey
I don't think you are being true to yourself because you keep hiding from how you feel. I don't think he will run either but if he does, you wouldn't want him any way.
Since Marc will graduate in just a few weeks, you can now move to a cheaper place. Gabe will have to take whatever there is. Can't he pick up odd security jobs? Events need someone, banks hire security. Can't he try to be a cop again? What about a fireman? If he has to, he can do what it takes. Let him man up.
kat
He's already working on it. He tends to scramble when things get desperate before he falls into a funk when nothing works out. I had a thought that I shared with him about the situation but I'm not going to push it any further. It has to be his decision.
Since he is being laid off he would qualify for unemployment. If he files for unemployment he should be able to qualify for a job retraining program and get some different skills that could lead to a more stable job. Who knows. Just a thought. We'll see what he does with that.
He can't be a police officer again unless he could get his certification back. They pulled all of his certs (including his jailer cert) and it's thousands of dollars and a legal battle with the state to get it back. We don't have thousands of dollars and years to battle with them.
Being true to myself? I really don't know what that would be. I do what I need to do for myself. Sharing my feelings has not been a strong suit for me ever. Being ignored or shot down in the past when it comes to my feelings has made me even more gun shy. Rocking to boat while there is other turmoil like a job loss is just not a good idea for me or him.
I know. Same old story. It will likely be this way for a long time to come. I'm choosing to suck it up and live each day to the best I can.
Mish,
I understand that life stresses are difficult to navigate. But seriously... when is it a good time to stick up for yourself?
This is a complete cop out. It's like saying, "I've always been unhappy, and that's just how I am. I'm okay with it." But the truth is that you're NOT okay with it. So why do you hold on to those miserable underlying beliefs that continue to cause misery?
Being ignored or shot down in the past when it comes to my feelings has made me even more gun shy.
Ok, so how's this working for you? What if you opted to let him know in a loving way that you are NOT okay with this? And then decide that you don't want to be in a relationship where your needs are ignored or shot down? Why would you choose this the second time around?
Mish, if my XH came back to me unwhole and unhappy, there is no way in hell that I'd continue the farce of pretending. It's just not good enough for me anymore. So why is it good enough for you? Do you think this is a good role model for Marc? You're basically showing him, "My needs are not important enough. Watch me. And learn how to be miserable just like me."
Sorry for whacking you. I'm not. I'm whacking this belief system that is crazy.
Happy Easter and a big hug for you.
Betsey
I'm not entirely unhappy, I'm just not satisfied and that is my own problem and not something I feel I should lay at Gabe's feet right now. It's not urgent. I won't give up because that's just not who I am. I believe in sticking it out until death....truly. They weren't just words in a ceremony. I take them to heart.
What is good enough? What more do I expect really? Am I too practiced at expecting absolutely zero? Maybe that's it. Too many years of expecting nothing from anyone so I don't get hurt when things don't go well. Hmmm....interesting thought.
I'm happy in my own way I guess. Do you recall a time of pure joy? I can't remember that feeling and I'm not sure I would recognize it if it did come. That's pretty sick.
DANG! I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm tearing up sitting at my desk. Not good.
Ok....deep breath.....let it go.
Mish if you are getting upset reading this or responding to it then you know that is where your issue is. I have felt for some time that the attack on you those many years ago took your self worth. You DO deserve love, respect and appreciation. Where do you begin with that? Yourself. If you have to tell yourself that 1000 times a day until you get that, then do it. Until you have that for yourself, it will be hard to enforce that with Gabe or anyone else.
I can see it in you, now let's get you there too.
Hugs, kat
Mish, instead of saying it to Gabe, if you feel that you can't do that at the moment, write it out, on here if you like or somewhere else. But get it outside of you, keeping it in is doing you no good.
I'm still no entirely sure what it is you want to say to him. What do you want him to do? That's not an attacking question, it's just a question. Men will find it hard to just here you expressing feelings without some form of action they can take.
Hugs!
Hear, sorry not here! Why can't we have an edit button!!
Heck, I don't even know anymore. Stability seems like such a fleeting concept that asking for him to make a commitment to me seems futile.
There comes a time when you have to just accept what you have and stop hoping for more. What more could there be anyway?
I don't know. It's just a frustrating thing not being able to quiet my thoughts. I should practice my meditation more. It might help.
There comes a time when you have to just accept what you have and stop hoping for more. What more could there be anyway?
I disagree, especially if you aren't happy with what you have and clearly from what you have posted for quite some time you aren't. I know it's tough to be the one who rocks the boat, I'm not a fan of rocking the boat either - but you should never settle for less than what you really deserve and in my opinion you deserve more than what you are getting.
(((hugs)))
BA
I so agree with BA. It really doesn't have to be hard. My dear friend,simply ask Gabe to marry you. No wishy washy emotional craziness. Just you asking for what you want,what you need and dare I say, what your soul is dying for.
You don't have to make this into something major. A quiet ceremony at the courthouse. I am sure Marc would like nothing better.
kat
But what do I do when he says no? Where does that leave me?
You are all very strong and courageous people. I'm not. I can't be alone and I can't do it all myself. That's just not something I can even face.
UGH! I stinks to be so darned weak and useless.
Ok, so that was my minor pity party for the morning! Not enough coffee leads to some pretty ridiculous remarks.
Yes, I know I'd survive. It would just be incredibly lonely and I don't do lonely! And no, I don't enjoy my own company at all!
Happy Birthday Mish! I hope you have a lovely day!
Barb
Thanks Barb! It's bright and sunny here but expecting rain later this afternoon. At least it's warm though. I'll take it!
But what do I do when he says no? Where does that leave me?
You are all very strong and courageous people. I'm not. I can't be alone and I can't do it all myself. That's just not something I can even face.
UGH! I stinks to be so darned weak and useless.
SCENARIO 1:
If he says no then it leaves you with the opportunity to move on. Being alone is not such a bad thing. It gives you a chance to build up your self-esteem and confidence. Once you feel more confident in yourself and in your ability to exist on your own I think you'll find yourself in a better position to one day eventually move on to a more fulfilling relationship with someone willing to fully commit to you. One in which you feel valued and confident in. Not one where you are walking on eggshells or constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure you haven't been left.
SCENARIO 2:
He says yes and you finally start building a real commitment to each other. Putting it on the line to him may wake him up and realize what he has to lose. It could be a stepping stone to the relationship you really want with him and not the lukewarm, non-committal, one foot in and one foot out the door relationship that you seem to be in now.
Mish - I dragged my feet as well, until I finally got fed up with it. My ex and I at the time had been in limbo for almost 2 years. One evening in late January 2010 I asked her if we could have a talk. I chose a time where there was no real drama going on between us and I felt like we could have a rationale and calm conversation. I didn't give her a you must tell me right now ultimatum. Instead I told her that I felt like we had been stuck still standing at a fork in the road and one path took us towards full reconcilliation and the other took us in different directions. I told her that by Spring I wanted to be heading down either one of these paths. I told her that I still loved her and hoped it would be on the path towards reconcilliation, however I couldn't do it alone - it needed to be a joint commitment. I also told her that if she didn't want that then I was fully prepared to go down the path that took us in different directions.
The next day, she sent me an email that said that our talk made her for the first time in a long time stop trying to run from me and think seriously about moving back towards me. Unfortunately it did not move her enough to begin doing anything concrete towards saving the marriage and 4 months later, in late Spring of 2010 I moved on and began building a new life for myself. Today I'm more confident and happier in myself than I have been in a very long time. Do I wish we could have saved the marriage - sure if it had been a joint effort at building a mutually satisfactory relationship. She just never could commit to that. One thing I do know is that I wouldn't ever want to go back to the limbo stage we were in for so long. That was brutal.
BA
Mish,
Happy birthday! And I hope it's awesome.
I love what BA wrote you. I'm clapping.
It would just be incredibly lonely and I don't do lonely!
Mish, there is a VERY big difference between being lonely and being alone. I was wondering what you meant by that, but then I got to your next comment, which made me concerned.
I don't enjoy my own company at all!
Wow, I'm not sure how to take this. Are you saying if you were on the outside and meeting you, that you wouldn't like you? Because that's how I see what you wrote.
If this is the case, Mish, why? Why do you feel this way about yourself when you want Gabe to love you more than you even like you? Is that possibly true? Cause on the outside, it looks like you want him to commit to you when you won't do it yourself.
Hugs,
Betsey
Thank you for your insight BA. What you say makes a lot of sense in the logical part of my brain, the rest of my brain overrides that part though.
Betsey, I'm sorry to say but it's true. I don't like me. I've worked on that a lot but the best I've been able to do is tolerate me. I don't know why I would expect any more than that from Gabe when I can't give myself anymore than that. It's much better now that it has been in the past though. I used to loathe myself with an intense hatred. Now it's more like I'm that annoying neighbor you smile and and wave to when you pass by but you don't want to be sucked into a conversation with. KWIM?
Those who I interact with daily would have no idea any of this resides in my head. I have years of practice at hiding myself behind masks. Masks that make me more acceptable to the people around me. I can be the funny one, the caregiver, the listener, the supportive friend. I can do those things for other people but I can't do them for myself. I try, honestly I do, but the inner voice that has lived there FAR too long always pops in with "Yeah right. Do you actually believe the crap you are spouting? That amount of BS sunshine up the behind is not doing you a bit of good." You know....THAT voice.
Feeling I have to put up that front is exhausting so I tend to isolate myself a lot from others. When I get too tired from it all I just cocoon in my house and do nothing productive.
I know, it's dumb. I know it keeps any real intimacy out of my R's with others. There are only a few people who ever see behind that mask. Gabe, my BFF, and one of my cousins. The rest would run the other way in a heart beat if they saw the mess underneath.
It's true G, there isn't one specific thing that I don't like. It's my personality in general. Things come out of my mouth and my brain hears them and stops to analyze why I said that, what I really meant by it, if it was appropriate, how the other person might misinterpret it, blah blah blah. I can be loud and boisterous sometimes and I think that puts people off. Also, I can't stand anything about the way I look. I see a ghastly beast so I avoid mirrors and cameras. It's rare that I let anyone take a picture unless it's an occasion I want to remember I was there for.
It's the combination of all those things that just makes me run away from myself. I wouldn't want to be around me much.
G, you are such an outgoing, smart, fabulous woman and I would be more than proud to call you my friend IRL or here. Here I spill my soul so no mask would be necessary IRL with any of you.
Happy Birthday! Ok, so I saw that you had received tons of b-day wishes so there are lots of people that love you.
How soon you forgot that he was gone before. You were alive and going forward with life. Maybe you hadn't got the feeling that you were getting through it because he came back. You deserve soooo much more than you give yourself credit for.
kat
Kat, you have completely made my day with the kindness you have shown me. You are a blessing in so many ways!
My resolve is getting stronger by the day.
Ok, so former MIL is coming for Marc's graduation. I love her dearly and I'm looking forward to seeing her. Marc is so happy his nana is coming since she hasn't been here in a number of years.
She is a sweet lady but she usually has an awkward question about what is happening with her son and I. In the past I've brushed it off with 'whatever works, works until it doesn't' but maybe, if she brings it up this time, this would be an opening to ask her opinion on the subject. How does she think he might react.
His reaction is what scares me. If I open this can or worms, there is no putting them back! No do over.
FWIW, I think it would be harmful to bring your partner's mother into a conversation that you haven't had with your partner. The relationship is between you and Gabe.
I think so too. I've had a long think on it and decided against it. I'll just go with the usual response of "it works for us" and leave it there.
It's getting harder by the day to just shut our all down but it had to be done for the greater good. Marc doesn't need the Apple cart upset right now.
I am sick right now but I am saying this as loud as my sore throat will let me: please just tell the man you want a commitment already!!! Ask him to marry you and tell him that you want Marc to give you away before he joins the military.
You have been scared of this situation for years. When Marc is gone you will find another reason to not say anything. Your life is worth living! You are worthy of love. Gabe wouldn't still be there if he didn't have feelings. You apparently are both not good about talking about things. Do you think that might have caused problems the first time around?
If I am wrong just tell me...kat you are wrong and I won't bring it up again. But really you would rather live a life walking on eggshells and not being honest with the guy you love ...I find that hard to believe.
Thinking of you. kat
Awww Kat, I'm sorry you caught your baby's cold.
She likes to share doesn't she?
We are abysmal at discussing things. He sits and agrees with me, I do all the talking, he gives no input and then it gets to the point where he walks out without any discussion at all. The end. FOO stuff. Big mess. I HATE confrontation. ALL CAPS! I nearly throw up if there is a disagreement of any kind. No idea where that comes from. My parents were the epitome of a happy marriage as were my grandparents and all my aunts and uncles. The models I learned from are nothing like I am. It's crazy. All of this definitely was a root cause of our problems. He never once shared his feelings about anything.
You aren't wrong kat, not at all. I walk on eggshells in constant fear that he's going to leave. Logically, I know he has not options of places to go. I know there is no one else right now but that doesn't mean there might not be sometime. I trust him....to a point. I don't think I will every fully trust him again mainly because I don't want to be proven a fool yet again. Seriously, I don't believe I would ever trust any man again, not just him. No, I don't believe all men are cheaters. I just no longer trust my own intuition.
I have to sit him down and talk to him, there just is never a good time. Yes, I'm scared out of mind about it. Rocking the boat is scary.
I keep hearing all these messages from various places about life being too short and you only regret the things you didn't do, etc., etc.. I don't believe in signs but if I did, these might be them.
Life is too short! All around people around my age are passing away and I am not even 50 yet! My goal in life is to not have any regrets. So yes, I need to get a hopping on my end too.
Fear is paralyzing. But you know he left and the thing is the world didn't really end. Financial problems came up but the sun came up the next day. So like my last regression, fear was this big, dark, deep basket but as I started to pull my fears out, the inside of the basket grew lighter. It became shallow. My guide told me to kick it. So I did and it fell apart like dust into the sky.
You can do this. You have already lived through your fear so nothing worse can happen. Be brave, talk to him in the most direct terms possinble and let yourself be happy.
kat.
Ps, if I am making this sound easy, it is because it is.
OK, so you sit him down and tell him how you envision your future together then ask him to think about it and set a date to discuss it again. Don't even ask for an immediate reaction, guys tend not respond well to being put on the spot for an answer to something they haven't had time to think about...which is why he's silent and then leaves the room. Also realize, your fear is not necessarily reality. He may indeed not want what you want but that doesn't mean you have to make some unilateral decision right then and there. You gather info and decide whether life with him is better than life without him. Doing it has to be easier than obsessing about it year after year! That's so draining.
I tried last night but even after two margaritas I couldn't work up the courage. My throat started closing up even as I started talking. Stupid.
So write it down for him. Either way you need to start. Do you ever tell him that you love him?
kat
Yes and he says the same.
Do you believe him? Do you fear that the possibility of him not being at the same place as you, not being ready for what you want, will make him not love you anymore? Real love can have that conversation, and not having real love is something best found out and not avoided.
I just know him too well. If I talk to him about this and he isn't in the same place as me he will start pulling away because he gets uncomfortable. If he pulls away, we all know what that could lead to.
It's a HUGE risk and I am just not a risk taker. I seriously need more courage and the liquid kind just isn't working for me.
Are you happy and fulfilled with what you have?
If not, then is it worth paying such a price to protect it?
Change is hard to face.
Ok, so there is your opening.
Wow. If you can pray, see what God says. Be true to yourself. Who wants to grow? Do you want your R to be the same year after year? This DBing posting etc., is all about personal growth or we wouldn't be here. You certainly know this by now. Get a DBing coach. Pay for 3 sessions and get the advice on how to exactly communicate with H.
sniff...sniff.....My baby graduated high school last night. It was a beautiful night, if a little hot, and it all went off without a hitch. It's sinking in though that I only have a little over 10 weeks left with him.
They don't ever really stop being your kids you know. I know around my parents I feel like I am still in my 20's and yet I am nearly 50!
I think Marc leaving means alot more to you than you him just going into the military. Have you set another deadline? Enjoy this time together. Now is the next chapter that you all three can begin.
kat
It does. It means the end of a chapter of his life and the beginning of a new one. It means that I have no excuses not to concentrate on changing me. Scary.
No, I haven't set any new deadlines. It's just too much for me to think about. Rocking the stability I have is just too frightening to me. More scary than spending the rest of my life without a commitment. I have to let it go. It hurts, but destabilizing my life over some arbitrary commitment would ultimately be more painful.
Seriously I just want to post on the alt that Gabe you must be blind! Mish is going crazy without a commitment. Work out this relationship and marry her already!!!
I am sure that would help.
kat
Oh Lord!! It would help alright! Help him right out the door. He'd freak! Lol
So take a lipstick and write on the bathroom mirror: I live you Gabe. Marry me!
Darn autocorrect! I meant love, not live.
Lol!! You two are killing me tonight! Ha!
Mish, we aren't joking! You need to do this. It has been years, NOW is the time!
Sometimes Mish, we can become comfortable in our discomfort. The familiar can be comforting whether it is positive or negative...it's what we know. Have you scripted yourself a victim role? Just askin'. Now, let's say he does say "yes" to marriage is that going to ensure that he remains faithful to you? Nope. Maybe that's the issue you're having a tough time with. There is no insurance plan for fidelity and that is pretty damn frightening. Married or not, he will step out on you if he wants to and you can't control that. I think you have your hopes pinned on marriage as a way of taking away that fear when maybe it's that fear itself you need to address. Anyway, just thinking out loud here, take it or leave it. I feel for you Mish!
Hi Mish,
I really like what Wii has said. Because even with a wedding ring & vows - there are no guarantees that he will stay. Every one of us here knows that well.
I think you believe that Marc is the glue that has kept you together the past few years - & you know you are about to lose the glue. But that does not mean you will lose Gabe.
Personally - I would not ask him for a commitment even though that is what you really want. Because you seem to sense (& you know him better than we do) that the asking will make him run. But actions speak louder than words. Instead of a forced confrontation - why don't you work more on creating the life YOU want with him. The life that revolves around the 2 of you as a couple - not the one that revolves around Marc. You need dates, walks, a special treat - things you did when you were younger. You don't really have to spend a lot - go out doe ice cream or to the movies. Slip him a love note in his lunch. & I think he will begin to do the same for you.
Believe that he will stay, not that he will leave.
I have hesitated to advise you about this lately because I want the same thing from Josh - the vows, commitment & the wedding. But, unlike you, I don't live with the feeling I am going to lose him. I know that he committed when he bought the house with me. And the way we talk about the future. And as much as I'd love the wedding - he just does not - but that's the compromise I'm willing to make - because the relationships is great otherwise.
When my marriage ended - I learned the hard way that the more you try to hold onto someone & force your own agenda - the more they pull away. That is why I believe that if you drop the reins but keep the atmosphere friendly & loving - you will have a better chance of achieving harmony.
Gabe may be afraid if recommitting because he failed the first time. I think Josh is afraid after seeing the effect of divorce on me. But for whatever reason - you & I are in the same boat. But I choose to see the good in in & make the life that I want with him.
Personally - I don't think Gabe is going anywhere. But if he does - there was probably nothing you could have done about it other than what I suggest. If the atmosphere is not fraught with your fears of him leaving but with the joy of your loving life together - it's a place he's not likely to want to run from.
Let it go! Live one day at a time. And stop basing your entire life's enjoyment around what one man does or doesn't do.
And remember that if the worst were to happen (in your mind - that would be him leaving) - well you've already survived that. And a vibrant girl like you would pick herself up, dust herself off & go on!
Barb
Good advice. I just think if you are so obviously trying to convince yourself that you are fine, then you aren't. If it is so clear to you what you want, need and deserve,why settle for anything else?
Barb, I think it would be hard to be in your place. There is love and commitment there just not the ceremony and legality. You have been compromising, what is Josh's compromise? Could you have a declaration of love ceremony or something along those lines, if you want that ?
Love, why does it get so complicated?
kat
Actually Kat,
Josh (a seemingly confirmed bachelor) has mad a lot of compromises. First - buying a second house. Second - driving to said second house every week where he takes on probably more than half the work as well as doing so much to help me with the cats, cooking, cleaning etc. third - he has taken on the commitment of helping look after Ryan - all the time I'm in Florida he comes here & stays with him 3 nights a week.
Just the commuting (2.5 or 3 hours) every weekend is a lot.
Just my observation.
Yes - I wish he "got" how much I'd love the ring & the wedding but in my mind - I'm one of the luckiest girls alive to have a guy like him.
Barb
I know he is good for you. I know you love him and he is more of a husband than your actual husband ever was. I guess I meant there has to be a way to still stay unmarried but celebrate your commitment.
I know you are both blessed to have each other.
kat
I think sometimes I get "stuck" on how I think I want it. & I'm no quitter! My parents say I was the most determined of their 4 kids. If I set my ind on something - they knew I'd keep bugging till I got it or kept working till I achieved it.
I hate being asked almost weekly in some form or another about our R. It just bugs me. At my service club, at the hospital, going through Customs. He is my "partner" - it just sounds so Unromantic. But he IS romantic and sweet & kind to animals & wait staff in restaurants - I could go on.
Sometimes I just wonder if it is because he is so shy. I love the party - he does too but doesn't want to be the star....
But I have more important things to focus on. Like enjoying my life.
That's all.
Not sure he would go for the rings idea. He did agree to talk with a lawyer with me about our common law status
Barb