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Posted By: sleeper I had my X arrested today - 10/26/13 04:14 AM
I have tried to maintain contact with my kids as best as I can these past few months since X took them. Its much more difficult now that they don't live with me at all. To complicate matters often when I do call them with plans to do something, X will say she already has plans with a little chiding that I shouldn't wait til "last minute" (despite the fact that I am call a couple of days ahead of time), followed by a "why don't you spend more time with the kids anymore?" from her. Huh?

DS and I went hunting last weekend, had a blast. I texted him along with X Tuesday night about going again this weekend. No firm answer for a couple of days and when I inquired again I was told he had lacrosse practice this weekend and can't go. Mind you this is the first mention of lacrosse I've heard. Turns out he joined the team Wednesday, the day after I asked about him going the hunting trip. Coincidence?

I did get a textfrom DS he needed a costume for "Colonial Day" at school today. I had him ride the bus to my workplace after school yesterday and we went to my old home and got a costume together (backwoods trapper with coonskin cap and suede leather knifesheath). We then went to my wife's house (where I live) and put the final touches on it, made a fake knife out of plywood for the sheath and he painted it. Later he opted to leave it at home lest risk "weapon" on campus issues. We finished the evening with barbeque and I transported him to his mother's.

I took the day off from work to be with DS at "Colonial Day" at his school. X and her H showed up after I arrived and left before I did. I hugged DS goodbye when it was over and stopped by my old house on the way home to wife's house. That's when "crazy" happened.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 10/26/13 05:32 AM
I was in the bedroom of the house when I heard the doorbell ring. Walking to the door I saw it was X as the front door is a French style door with many lites. I opened the door and she asked, "Can we talk for a minute?" I responded, "OK" and she stepped inside.

She began by saying, "We aren't communicating well", and I agreed as I have recently mentioned dismay over lack of knowledge about children: Report cards, events such as DS's "Colonial Days" (I had less than 48 hrs notice) and DD's High School Dance next weekend (I found out about it last Friday when ticket sales ended and she had no ticket).

She then turned the discussion to things she wants from the house wanting to know when she can come in and "get her stuff." Long story, she moved out 3 years ago without cleaning out the house when I bought it back from her. She had gotten it in the divorce settlement and she and H built a new home and I bought it back from her. There are some things in that house that I consider hers and want her to have. It is a long story and I've tried to take things to her/asked when she could come get some things in the beginning but she said the time was not right or she didn't have room at her new residence, etc. Now it has become a crisis issue for some reason. The problem is she now insists on coming in and picking and choosing what she considers "hers". I don't feel comfortable with her in my house but when she said we weren't communicating I thought it was about the kids.

Within a couple of sentences she said she would get a lawyer and take me to court. I explained to her she has taken my children from me and I no longer trust her to come on my property and take what she says is hers. I pointed out I have attempted to bring things, brought her some things and asked for a list of what she wants that she has never provided. This opened a discussion of her violation of custody orders. I pointed out she said I could have kids every other weekend, and one night during the week, over a year ago but I have yet to have them one entire weekend, so how can I trust what she says or does now? She responded saying I could have them the weekends my wife's kids are not with her (the opposite weekends I had them for years). She again asked when she could get "her things" and I offered Christmas break as I am off and will have some time to get some things done then. She then demanded an exact "date".

At this point we were near the door. I reminded her the Christmas break is the two weeks around Christmas and New Years and I don't have a "date" as I didn't have a calendar (neither did she). I opened the door and told her to leave my home, pointing out her threatening demeanor. She then walked across the room, away from the door, sat in a chair and said, "I'm not leaving until I get an exact date, you can call the police if you want."

X's H had been sitting in the driveway as he drove her to my house. He must have seen the discussion at the open door and X's demeanor as he appeared at the door while I was talking to the police on my phone. He stepped in and began to berrate me as he took out his phone to video the exchange while telling X to leave, cursing, telling her she was trespassing and cursing me. He told her they would file a lawsuit, a lein on the house, full custody of the children (we have joint, shared custody although she is in violation), the paperwork was all ready to go.

X finally did get up to exit the house, agreeing with him to go to the sidewalk and wait for the police even though she said she would wait seated in the chair and "tell them" her side. As she walked out the door the front doorknob came off in her hand (it does occasionally). She said, "I'm keeping this, it belongs to me" and walked away to the sidewalk carrying it with her.

Police came, took statement from me and viewed video I had recorded. I'm sure they viewed X's H's video too, then they arrested my X. As they cuffed her on the sidewalk, X's H yelled to me, "Are you really going to do this Sleeper? you have the power to stop this", then pulled out his camera and took a pic of me on the porch and yelled, "I'm taking this so I can show your kids what you've done." One of the officers returned my doorknob to me.

I immediately called my daughter and my son. My daughter was on the bus home from school and I didn't want to upset her so I told her I would call her back. My son was home but moments after I called him, X's H also called him (I saw him on his phone on the sidewalk) and he said, "Wait a minute dad", put me on hold and never returned to the line.
Posted By: forward Re: I had my X arrested today - 10/27/13 07:58 PM
Sleeper, I am sorry that you continue to have such problems. I don't come on here often but you and I were always kind of posting about the same sort of stuff.

Your X has flouted your agreement in many ways and your D has closed the property part of things long ago. I don't think you should feel bad about the situation but the kids....well, that's hard to know. What I can say is that kids are smart and as time goes by they will see, more and more, who is the stable one.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 10/28/13 03:09 AM
It's a mess. The stuff she left in the house over three years ago is abandoned property. She has taken my children from me (twice), denied me access to them and believes she should decide when I have them. Now that I stood my ground and refused to be threatened and given ultimatums in my home by calling the police when she would not leave she has responded with a "no contact" policy with my children. She and Her H have also shown them a "video" of part of what happened and are continuing to estrange my children from me.
Posted By: subguy Re: I had my X arrested today - 10/28/13 09:27 PM
Sleeper it sounds like it's time to get a lawyer and get your due time with "your" children. She can live however she wants, you need to fight for your life.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 10/29/13 03:18 AM
So today I learn by detective work X is taking kids to a Counselor without ever informing me. We text back and forth, she calling it a "dr appt". I ask what doctor repeatedly and she finally tells me C 's name, he is NOT a "dr" of any sort. I call her on her BS and tell her I'll be there in 5 and should only be me her and our kids (re vitriolic blowup by X when her H and my W were there last time).

X responds this is "her" appointment and I should not come. I arrive anyway, she looks shocked, irritated, sitting on C with kids on both sides. I tell kids how much I care and love them, X begins to tell me "You need to leave" this is a private appt for me and the kids. I remind her the kids are mine too and we have joint custody, I have a right to be there, know what is happening. X's H comes in and starts to video exchange that is totally calm, being sly about it. I tell X's H I can't help but notice his videoing and that I wish he had not shown kids. Ideo he made of X being arrested. He responds DD asked to see it. I respond showing a child a video of what should be an adult matter is "poor parenting".

X asks receptionist for a "private waiting area" and they leave the room. I did not follow but chose to wait for the C session to end. X's H goes into session with X and my children. I hoped to see kids afterward but they all leave out rear exit. C comes out to talk, says they didn't want a "confrontation". We speak briefly about sitch and X's arrest. He repeated a theme from our recent session that my R with kids will be lifelong and this is a temporary situation, comments about DS describing recent huntjng trip with me and how much he live it. He looks pained and regretful it happened, continues by suggesting I make an appointment. I do.

Immediately after making appt I text X infor that I have made an appt for kids and myself and to mark her calendar.

DS looked horrible in waiting room, flush faced like he had been crying. He didn't look at me, DD did and looked sad.

X is treating me as if I have no rights at all. DD stated desire to live with her mother a year ago. DS and I have been getting along great until this. I don't know what to believe anymore.

I know this has upset the children and It appears DD blames me (she already sided with her mother). I believe X was interfering with me and DS before and now initiated "no contact" from him towards me.

I feel basically depressed and discarded. I had to stand up for my rights in my home, she was threatening me and dictating when I could see the kids (on her terms) and refusing to leave. It appears the kids blame me.
Posted By: figgeroni Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/01/13 01:35 AM
get a lawyer

talk to a father's rights group

file before your ex as you will be able to decide when you want to present your side in court (before or after her)

file contempt charges
Posted By: MrBond Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/01/13 10:15 AM
"X is treating me as if I have no rights at all. DD stated desire to live with her mother a year ago. DS and I have been getting along great until this. I don't know what to believe anymore."

Because you allow her to. Why have you allowed her to spit in the face of the court order that gave you 50% custody? I hate to say it, but this is the result of being the "nice guy". Stop it and start fighting for your kids.

"I know this has upset the children and It appears DD blames me (she already sided with her mother). I believe X was interfering with me and DS before and now initiated "no contact" from him towards me."

You are their father right? Start fighting back. If you don't, you're going to keep ending up on the short end of the stick and come here to complain. Why complain if you aren't going to do anything about it?

Your signature line is totally wrong. "fear" isn't the mind-killer it's yourself. Sometimes you have to be like Paul Atreidis and start shaking up the status quo to become the leader.
Posted By: frank_D Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/06/13 02:13 AM
Hi Sleeper, been a while

I have to agree with MrBond. She walks all over you because she can. Period.

Look up a book and web site called "No More Mr. Nice guy"

See if you identify with the author

Frank
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/17/13 05:02 PM
I have spoken with three attorneys and found one I like. She will represent me in court.

Frank, I looked at the website and you pegged me. Maybe it's because I was the "peacemaker" growing up. Doesn't matter, I am going to take action and stand up for not only myself but my children as well.

On the downside I am sure this is a case of "Parent Alienstion syndrome" (PAS) and believe X to fit the profile of an "Obsessed Alienator" (meshing her feelings and kids into one, no fear of court authority, etc).

Google "innocentdads".
Posted By: subguy Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/17/13 10:26 PM
Originally Posted By: sleeper
I have spoken with three attorneys and found one I like. She will represent me in court.

Frank, I looked at the website and you pegged me. Maybe it's because I was the "peacemaker" growing up. Doesn't matter, I am going to take action and stand up for not only myself but my children as well.

On the downside I am sure this is a case of "Parent Alienstion syndrome" (PAS) and believe X to fit the profile of an "Obsessed Alienator" (meshing her feelings and kids into one, no fear of court authority, etc).

Google "innocentdads".



Good for you sleeper, fight like he11 for your right to be a dad.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/19/13 04:21 PM
Had a counseling session with my kids yesterday. They're totally poisoned. DD doesn't want to live with me at all. DS says he doesn't "have time" to spend with me, school and sports have consumed his time. Of the two it's obvious he isn't happy I married. I'm probably seen as the one who upset the status quo in his eyes.

Both blame me for their mother's arrest. Doesn't matter that she was breaking the law, if I hadn't called the police she wouldn't have been arrested is the way they see it.

Any attempt to exercise my custody rights is seen by them as pressuring them (they both say it's their "business and decision") by them as pressuring them to do something they don't want to do.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/19/13 06:01 PM
The counselor says:

The kids have been "traumatized" by being involved (by X) in what should be adult matters. (they hold X faultless and blame me for the current stress).

My relationship with my kids will be "lifelong" and this is only a small blip in the greater scheme of things (It ain't getting ettet anytime soon: years?).

I believe:

Yesterday's session was a breakthrough as it was the first time DD has spoken to me since X was arrested and there was a lot of communication between the three of us (DD, DS and myself). Counselor said very little and the convo flowed between us.

X has done quite a number on them. DD has called me a liar and yesterday said X showed DD a text to me "proving" she had informed me of an event involving kids that she never in fact did. I didn't realize until after the session X probably created a bogus contact in her phone with my name to show DD (and probably DS) with a message I never received.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/20/13 03:41 AM
Sleeper,

Text messages sometimes get lost. I'm sure your ex is alienating your children.

But what is your part here? How have you hurt them and let them down and let things slip to this point when you had legal custody? Own your part, quit worrying about XW's part so much.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/21/13 02:20 AM
Text messages....get lost. I disagree. I've been going back through months of them for my L and she never sent what she told D she did.

My part? DS said years ago, "Mom spoils us but dad takes care of us." X has always been very involved in her business and her boyfriend/now husband. I've always taken the kids every chance I got, have had them much more than 50% of the time (X went to Mexico last summer on "her" week and was going to leave them with a house sitter. I took them that week instead.

I may have underestimated the impact of my marriage on my kids (X married when they were still very young) and would have pursued counseling if I had known problems might occur.
Posted By: MrBond Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/21/13 03:04 AM
It's not too late for the C. I think many on here urged you very strongly for the C but I'm not sure if you thought it would be important.
Posted By: frank_D Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/23/13 02:28 AM
Of course the kids blame you. How could they not? The only input they get is whatever their mom and OMH tell them, usually in two part harmony with annotations.

Remember, OMH had an affair with a married woman who essentially abandoned her husband while the both of you were going through a terrible time.

Now, what does that say about the character of him and her?

And when OMH recorded the event and swore that he would show it to your kids it was out of spite and having a chance to inflict pain on them, and on you.

Kind of a tantrum. I mean what kind of person DOES that?
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/24/13 01:00 AM
Quote:
Now, what does that say about the character of him and her?


C has said X "has a borderline personality." IMHO the narcissistic aspect of her "borderline personality" is in full swing. He has also commented her H is "never wrong" (apparently her H's opinion of himself). It must be a very interesting dynamic in their home and C has commented my wife and I "may be the only stability" in my kids lives (a conclusion of his that brings me no comfort).

Quote:
...OMH recorded the event and swore that he would show it to your kids it was out of spite...


Yeah, I know.

They're both very juvenile (arrested development?) and my kids are living with them.

I saw my son today at his lacrosse game, spoke to him after the game. It was very cold for a game in shorts (43). He's basically shut down emotionally.
Posted By: frank_D Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/24/13 07:28 AM
Originally Posted By: sleeper

They're both very juvenile (arrested development?) and my kids are living with them.

I saw my son today at his lacrosse game, spoke to him after the game. It was very cold for a game in shorts (43). He's basically shut down emotionally.

Or just a symptom of their self centeredness. I mean really, if either of them were behaving as real parents they would want to insulate the kids from the problems. Instead they had to 'prove' to the kids that you were the evil one and 'mom' is simply a victim.

As far as your son being 'shut down emotionally' I beg to differ. I believe that he is choosing not to engage you because he is stuck between his loyalty to his mom who with the help of OMH took the opportunity to twist the situation to favor them.

I strongly urge you to look at "The Four Agreements" at http://www.toltecspirit.com/

the main ones that I think you should be focusing on is "Don't take things personally" and "Don't make assumptions"

You don't know where he's at emotionally and you're taking it personally. Purge those feelings and simply realize that this is his journey and your role is to be present and not discuss this event unless he wants to.
Posted By: frank_D Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/24/13 07:29 AM
By the way what was the result of this arrest, was she charged with anything?
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/24/13 04:32 PM
Frank,

You're "spot on" on a couple of points. I don't know what's going on inside his head but I have speculated quite a bit (a waste of energy as there is no way for me go know).

The change in my son has hit hard as DD went through her first teenage uproar last year and I'm accustomed to her being moody from time to time. DS and I were very close, even after X began violating the custody agreement, until the arrest of X so this is a big adjustment.

I've always been very close to my kids. I'm a teacher and took care of them after school, Saturdays and holiday breaks even after the divorce until they werecold enough to be home alone during X's time.

I do need to change my response to all this. DD's response to me has moderated as she now says "I love you" at the end of talks and texts. DS is noticeably different in conversation and texting. One or two word responses, hasn't said "I love you" since X's arrest. X can be very controlling Nd IMHO emotionally abusive. I have seen her bark at him and he lowered his head with silent tears rolling.

X was arrested for trespassing/refusing to leave, given a citation and released. I have not been notified of a court date on her charges. An officer told me such is recorded as a misdemeanor arrest.

X has filed a civil suit against me which will be heard in court Tuesday AM (her response to my pressing charges). Thursday is Thanksgiving which the kids have always spent with me and for the past four years with my now wife and her extended family at her parent's home out of town (Thanksgivig was never a big deal in X's fsmily). This will be the first year my mother won't be there as she recently died.
Posted By: Andabelle Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/26/13 08:51 PM
Good luck at the hearing. I know it will be hard, but try to make Thanksgiving a good one with your wife and step-kids.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/26/13 10:13 PM
Well that sucked. Judge ruled my X CAN enter my home, enter attic and front bedroom and remove things listed in decision. Must be accompanie by police officer she hires and movers she hires. This after my L assured me X had NO right to enter my home, not any more than any other person on the planet as we have been D'd for four years and I bought the house from her over three years ago free and clear.

My L and I actually added things to list she forgot. L said X was the angriest person she's seen and will have serious health issues soon if not abated. She said X's H was an "agitator". L also said she expects another incident when X does enter the home and is prevented from taking items that are not on the list by officer.

X told the judge she has proof of things in the home she photographed through my windows. (Trespassing again?). Judge had no reaction, X's arrest for trespassing (refusing to leave) was documented in proceedings.

Nothing has happened on the physical custody violation by X. That is the next thing I must move on.
Posted By: frank_D Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/28/13 05:32 AM
Weird. But at least it come with a price for her. She has to pay money to be monitored by the police. This will be an expensive lesson for her.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/28/13 03:30 PM
Yeah, it's been expensive for me as well. Irony is this probably can't be finalized until week of Christmas. Lawyers have to communicate final details back and forth, she has to hire movers, policeman has to be found and hired (during time when they probably already have employment at stores).

Result......She may be getting stuff during Christmas Break, the time I had already offered she could !

Total "no contact" continues from X (violation of Custody Orders). I email her about children and then I get a response sometime later from children (or her?) by text on their phones.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 11/30/13 02:11 AM
Okay, so here's the latest....

I got a text response from both kids late Thanksgiving EVE in the form of an offer from them to have breakfast with me Thanksgiving Day. This was the now common, dysfunctional, response from X by proxy to my direct email to X referencing the fact I have always had them Thanksgiving Day/last half of their week off from school and inquiring if she was planning on continuing that tradition. Fact is the text "answer" from kids was so late I was asleep as we have driven out of town for years to my wife's parent's home.

I responded to kid's text when I awake that we're leaving, can't have breakfast with them and i'll call them when I return.

I did call them today and invite them to a one time showing of a holiday classic movie, "Holiday Inn", at a local theater. We took W's kids and mine to a similar event, "It's a Wonderful Life", last year, my Christmas gift to everyone.

DS calls me this afternoon, asks if it's "OK" to have a three-way call with DD. A little surprised, I say, "sure". He continues to tell me he's not comfortable going to a movie with me and my W, but will go if it's only me and his sister. DD chimes in she agrees with him. I ask "Why?" and they both say it's because of the way my W has treated them. Mind you, DS has said nothing negative about W before this conversation although DD has. DS even came to W's house a few weeks ago and W made props for his school costume and assisted DS and I in making his Halloween Costume.

I respond I cannot comply with their request.

I don't know what to do. X has control of the kids and is mentally manipulating and emotionally abusing them.

Before someone says, "Get a L and take X to court", I have a L and I went to court this week and the end result was not even what the L said would happen.
Posted By: karen43 Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/01/13 03:44 PM
Was the recent court date you had relating to you filing contempt charges relating to her recent "no contact" or something similar? No good L will ever be able to guarantee you an outcome of what is going to happen in court, and outcomes in family court do not resolve in one or two hearings. You have to look at what your goals are; the importance of having your children in your life and their having their father in their lives. Have you met with your L regarding your next step in trying to enforce your custody agreement?
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/01/13 06:47 PM
My children do not have any R with their Dad's new wife. It is totally their choice (they are young adults). But she was the one who broke up the marriage. She was the OW. They both say they will not have a R with her EVER but if he was with someone new - that would be ok.

I do not believe your wife was OW. Have you asked the kids for specifics of "how she treats them" that they do not like? I'd be all over that if it was me rather than assuming they are being manipulated (despite the fact they might be). Step parenting and blending families is NEVER easy. Do you spend one on one time with them without her around? You should.

I feel for you. The whole thing is a mess. But don't lose track of the most important thing - getting shared custody and time with your children. Although YOU don't want to be manipulated - you just gave up time with them. Continue trying no matter what to communicate their importance to you and do whatever it takes to make it happen. I think they are crying out for help in this God awful mess over which they have no control.

Barb
Posted By: kat727 Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/01/13 07:41 PM
Your relationship with your kids is really up to you. I hear from my girls that their dad hardly ever spends alone time with them. Yes, he married his affair partner so it isn't easy.

What I fail to understand, if you had your kids one day a week and every other weekend, wouldn't you spend every moment you could with them? The relationship with your kids need to be rebuilt between you and them, not you and your wife. You need to let them know how important they are to you. Your wife of course is also important but that relationship between her and them will need to take the backseat for now.

Please make the effort with just them, not because your ex is setting you up to fail but because the relationship with them is that important.

kat
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/02/13 01:43 AM
X's H was the "other man". He came into their lives when DS was 5, DD was 7. DS says he can hardly remember X and I being together (there are pictures ).

Legal action thus far has been property related, I have responded to X's lawsuit. My L took opportunity to get X 's arrest in the record (L's strategy). Action on custody has not begun yet, am told will be lengthy and drawn out.

In meantime X has kids 24/7. Seeing them/spending time with them is problematic. I tried three time this week to have them. Rejection each time. When it appeared there would be a time for me to have kids and I agreed, X created complications/need for changes which I could not comply. Result: I leek bad, kids are angry with me.

Each time is an emotional roller coaster for me ( as well as kids I am sure).
Posted By: karen43 Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/02/13 02:37 AM
Um, obviously I'm not an L, but to heck with the property; I would want an L that would have their #1 priority focused on regaining custody of the kids. My understanding was that your X was violating your agreement-pardon me if I am wrong?

Until the legal can be straightened out, which is time-consuming, I would advocate really good communication with your kids, I would make it a 100% priority to jump your X's hoops when possible to let your kids know that they are your top priority and when you aren't able to then let them clearly know why; kids are usually pretty smart imo. My X has tried some brainwashing techniques in the past too,"your mom didn't pick you up tonight b/c she doesn't love you" but it just doesn't work when you do the above I've found...

Karen
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/02/13 05:19 PM
I fell for the trap. Kids contacted my about time with them (X works through them, refuses to communicate with me). I agreed to time, then they texted back wanting to change time and location of "pick up" (I believe at X's instruction). I said "no" wouldn't work for my schedule. Now I'm "the bad guy", DS phoned me very angry that I "can't make time for them."

Kids were out of school for 9 days straight. I made contact with DS on 4 separate occasions attempting to see him. The "offered" time was last day of break and when I agreed it was changed.

Part of me believes DS is generally frustrated and took it out on me.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/02/13 06:18 PM
For clarification I attended my son's sporting event Sat, called him Monday, Wednesday and Friday. So I saw him Sat and initiated contact on three additional occasions.

My D was also in on the phone discussion Friday, DS suggested a "conference call" (who's idea was THAT?). For the first time DS said he didn't feel comfortable around my W. This is one of several themes X has used. I think the entire response was generated and orchestrated by her.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/02/13 06:26 PM
Sleeper,

LET IT GO! Let all of what you perceive as her controlling and manipulation go. I know you are trying to see them and it is being made difficult but most parents would move mountains for their kids. I hope you have the understanding support of your new wife who would encourage you to do just about anything to see them. So do it. Unless it interrupts your work schedule - DO IT! And stop saying "I think she is behind it all". Yep - probably but get past it. Be the bigger person. Be the Dad. Don't allow her to take that away from you.

See your kids.

Barb
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/02/13 06:41 PM
For clarification I attended my son's sporting event Sat, called him Monday, Wednesday and Friday. So I saw him Sat and initiated contact on three additional occasions.

My D was also in on the phone discussion Friday, DS suggested a "conference call" (who's idea was THAT?). For the first time DS said he didn't feel comfortable around my W. This is one of several themes X has used. I think the entire response was generated and orchestrated by her.
Posted By: figgeroni Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/02/13 07:04 PM
it doesn't matter who orchestrates it...

it is what it is

and bemoaning the situation and pointing fingers at her manipulation does NOT help you or your kids

yup...she is manipulating
yup...she is brainwashing

but you are doing nothing but pissing and moaning about a situation that you can't change

you can't change her and her responses

you can only change yours



change them or your children will be lost to you for good
Posted By: frank_D Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/02/13 08:11 PM
sleeper,

I get most of my strength dealing with difficult situations by using the concepts from the book "The Four Agreements" which I highly reccommend.

I personally get the most solace when I use the agreement "Don’t Take Anything Personally" which is what we do when we are being attacked.
And "Don't make assumptions", another biggie where we THINK we know what/why someone is doing things. The reality is we DON'T know.

And I agree with figgeroni, you're letting the situation control you and feed your fears which can only lead to more problems. Your kids will only respond positively if you are always positive and exert NO pressure on them

Here the are............

Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/02/13 11:19 PM
Wow Frank - that sounds like a great book. One I'd love to read and principles that everyone should adopt. Thank you for that info.

Sleeper - I hope some of this info is helpful. We are all on your side. We hate to see you and your children hurting.

Barb
Posted By: frank_D Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/03/13 06:11 AM
Originally Posted By: SunFunOne
Wow Frank - that sounds like a great book. One I'd love to read and principles that everyone should adopt. Thank you for that info.


Its not a very big book. You could read it in an evening.

There's actually a fifth agreement about doubt and questioning things, being skeptical but open minded. He added it in the past few years.

I like this particular persons overview on HOE to live the four/five agreements. http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5773/Living-Don-Miguel-Ruizs-Five-Agreements.html
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/05/13 02:18 AM
Thanks Frank,

I have written those on the calendar on my desk. I will commit them to memory.

Nit-piky drama continues. X's L sent papers to my L. My L rejected because his said X has "authority" to enter my home (should read "consent").

I'm supposed to go to L's office to sign her version tomorrow

Kids and I are texting again. DD texted me her favorite colors (response to my inquiry for Xmas gift). DS texted confirmation he is busy with drama club play and school this week.

Any contact is good contact.
Posted By: frank_D Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/05/13 08:24 PM
Sounds good, I don't hear any 'victim speak' in your post. Learn to live "The Four Agreements"

Whatever she is doing is not about you. It's her reality, her (bad) dream.

Don't make any assumptions about the way your kids are being. It appears that they have observed your lack of malice and are responding 'in kind'. In other words you are being impeccable with your word and not using it to harm or gossip about her. Yet they can see how XW and OMB are not impeccable with their word.

What works for me, is I look at everything that happens and try to frame it in terms of the agreements.

And, what your doing has been helping to support ME as I try to rebuild the relationships with my adult daughters. Luckily their mother is not the enemy.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/12/13 06:43 PM
Thanks Frank, It warmed my heart to learn someone is benefitting from my sitch.

I emailed X a request for the two of us to sit down with a counselor. Much to my surprise she agreed and we had a session Monday. She says she's frightened of me, feels "threatened" (my L mentioned this but said I'm one if the least threatening clients she's ever had), has trouble sleeping and upset stomach. All of this is because I "had" her arrested.

Her version of events that day are different from what I remember happening. I'm not losing any sleep over her beliefs but it explains shg the kids see md as the "bad" guy in all this as they have heard her version and see her drama.

I did my best to be diplomatic in our discussion. Except for how it's impacting the kids our difference of opinion about that day are irrelevant.

This is a mess that won't soon be resolved. I have a session with the kids Monday.

What should I say?
Posted By: BeginningAgain Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/12/13 07:08 PM
Great job Sleeper. Personally I think this is most positive thing that has happened in your sitch. The fact that the two of you sat down together with a C is a very positive start - even if you just agree to disagree. It's a beginning hopefully to a better co-parenting arrangement.

When you meet with your kids DO NOT bad mouth your ex. Assure them that you both love them and want the very best for them and are working hard at making that happen. Talk with the C if necessary before you even have the session with the kids to see what advice they can give you about how to approach everything with them. Best of luck.

BA

BA
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 12:46 AM
I have tried to be "low key" with the kids in all this. Dear son performed in a play for his drama class this past week. I took the day off to see the performance. Much to my surprise and pride my son had the male lead role in the play. Then just now I received an email from DD's school. I immediately opened it to learn she was chosen "Freshman Sweetheart" at her organization's dance. I wasn't told about the dance or her being chosen for this honor until after the fact.
Has it come to this? Do my children not want me to be any part of their lives or do they expect I know what is going on in their lives through my X's wall of non information? X said she is so upset because I had her arrested that she cannot bring herself to communicate with me (I'm expected to find things out on my own because I know where they go to school, etc.).
There is supposed to be a C session tomorrow afternoon with DS, DD and myself. I was expecting it to be rough, now I expect it to be
I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to say. I think I screwed up in my response to them when they finally communicated the last day of Thanksgiving Break that they could spend a morning with me (I had given up after multiple attempts initiated by me and had plans that morning).
I was thinking about dropping the charges against X but now I'm just numb and thinking of nothing.
Posted By: kat727 Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 02:05 AM
I was just going to say that Gineen! I do try to let my ex know about school stuff but I also know he doesn't always make it to their things. So I do try to get there myself.

Your relationship with your kids is yours to make or break. The relationship with your ex doesn't need to control that. When you go to the C tomorrow let them know that you want to be in their lives. That you have contacted the school so that you can be kept up to speed. Let them know that the issues between you and your ex are just that but they also have only heard one side of the story and that there are always two sides. Leave it at that. If they want to know more you can tell them.

Your kids are worth the effort, let them know that.

kat
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 02:12 AM
There is not much I can add to what Gineen & Kat have said. Your kids don't care about the Blame Game or who did what to who. They see what happens. They see the 2 most important adults in their lives behaving like children. Jot putting them first.

Move fwd from here. Commit to them. Follow up your words with actions. Let the courts deal with her - you do what you have to do for your children and fix the relationships the best you can. Is there anything more important?

Let go of the past. Move fwd from this day on.

Barb
Posted By: frank_D Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 04:25 AM
You're heaping all kinds of blame and guilt on yourself. Let your XW take the responsibility for her actions. Now, you can't "make" her but if you make sure you don't react but stay positive, you'll be living your 'dream', not theirs.

You cannot undo the past events. But you can influence future ones.

Stay calm.
Posted By: subguy Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 11:28 AM
Great advice Frank, at any time she could have left when the police officer instructed her to do so. Own your part and only your part.

Now it's time to focus on building a better relationship with your kids. Even in that arena you cannot control what they think, it may take a while but the truth will come out and the X will be found out if you just stay true to who you are. Unconditional love is tough at times...
Posted By: adinva Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 01:59 PM
I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face with the case against your XW. I think you proved your point already.

Your sitch sounds ridiculously hard, but if you focus all the positive energy you can on your kids, you'll be doing the best you can.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 06:28 PM
Thanks, everyone.

I am frustrated that often I learn of my children's events/activities/awards AFTER the fact. X refuses to communicate now (was not effecient about it before) abs basically says its my problem to find out what's going on with kids.

Advina, I am considering dropping the charges against X for a variety of reasons, the primary being even the possibility of improvement of the relationship my children and I have. X is fighting the charge strenuously and holds the position she can get the arrest "expunged" from the record. Dropping the charge might even improve communications between us.
Posted By: figgeroni Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 06:33 PM
this is only my advise so take it as you will...
I would not drop the charges
you said you would do it...follow through


this is a fact...
it is not your ex's job to inform you of school stuff...that is your job. Call the school, contact the teachers, find out what activities they are in and make a point of acknowledging them even if you can't be there

get it together and stop blaming her for your relationship with your kids
Posted By: MrBond Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 07:38 PM
Everyone's right. Start taking the initiative of finding out about your children's activities and not to rely on your XW. PLUS, start getting that custody back so that you can spend more time with them. If they see you spending more time with your new family, they could grow to be very resentful.
Posted By: subguy Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 09:31 PM
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Everyone's right. Start taking the initiative of finding out about your children's activities and not to rely on your XW. PLUS, start getting that custody back so that you can spend more time with them. If they see you spending more time with your new family, they could grow to be very resentful.


Plus they will never be able to bond with your new family unless they are around them (no pun intended MrBond lol). Once they get to spend time with your new family they will be able to figure out that they are not the evil empire as portrayed.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 09:54 PM
Speak of the devil (who lurks "in the details")...

I leave work early to arrive at counselor at 3:00, the time that was set at last Monday's appt with counselor by X, C and myself. X's Husband is only person in waiting room. I sit down and say nothing. He comments a few moments later, "Your appointment isn't until 5:00.". I respond, "No it's at 3:00, that the time we set last Monday." He shakes his head slightly and I ask "Are the kids here?" His only response was "Nope."

I step outside and try to call X, DD and DS with no luck. I go back in and sit down. Counselor comes out, looks at both of us and asks. "OK, what are we doing?" I review that we agreed that kids and I were to have a session at 3:00.". C looks at X'sH who says "X decided it wasn't a good idea to check out kids early because of finals this week so she switched times."
I then told X'sH, "You couldn't call and let me know?" "I just found out myself" he responded.
I'm going back at 5:00
Posted By: frank_D Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 10:13 PM
well, so she treats OMH the same as you. He got the prize...
Posted By: adinva Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/16/13 10:31 PM
Yes, at some point you have to stop pitying yourself about the lack of communication and figure out how you'll get by anyway. For example, not that you should have to, but you COULD now make a routine of verifying appointments with the office the evening before. Take XW's flakiness as a given and figure out a system for dealing with it, instead of expecting her to change. Needing someone else to change in order for you to be OK is a recipe for unhappiness.
Posted By: AJM Re: I had my X arrested today - 12/23/13 08:39 PM
Hey Sleeper. Long time.

I agree. Take charge of it and assume she'll be flaky. If you haven't noticed she obviously hates (you? men? everyone?) and treats them all with disdain and contempt.

Assume she will continue to do so and take appropriate actions.

About the kids. Stop trying to make them see both sides etc. They're smart. They'll figure it out pretty darn quickly.

What you have been doing didn't and has not been working.

Counseling? BS. That counselor is an idiot. Fire him (and I don't care who hired him). Go back to the lawyer and get the visitation you've been awarded and ensure it sticks.

Your X is a bully, Sleeper. And you're enabling it. You're both wrong for it, and you're both paying for it.

Don't get me wrong Sleeper. I've been there. Not wanting to take a decisive action for fear (see that word?) of not being able to talk to my ex.

Stop. Look around. Get over the idea of talking to that putrid pile of dog manure of a woman and deal with all the rest of the stuff that needs dealing with.

The X'sH? He's a prize, isn't he? Taking bets how long he'll last before she tosses him to the heap?

AJ
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 05/12/14 02:56 PM
Another blowup....
After having X arrested back in October for trespassing (refusing to leave my home)I decided to drop the charges. The wheels of justice turn slowly and I was contacted by the city attorney about the case last month. I did this for a variety of reasons, the major one being not to distress the kids as things had settled down quite a bit since last fall.
I have been parking on the street when picking up; kids at X's house since then. I've notice X's H comes outside often when I'm there (now I know why). While dropping off DS the other night i phoned DD to come out so I could see her too and get a hug. As she went inside, X's H came out and approached my vehicle asking if he could have a word with me.
He said I owed him "an apology" for having my X arrested. I disagreed. A little back and forth and I finally told him if he apologized for coming in my house without being invited and cursing me, I would reciprocate. I then got in my vehicle and attempted to close the door. He grabbed the door, pulling it out of my hand and said, "You're on my property now." I ignored him and started the vehicle with the door open. He (seeing he had failed in eliciting a reaction?) then turned and walked towards his house as I backed down the driveway.
I called X to convey my concerns about the children living under the same roof with an individual with such a temper. She said he was trying to protect her (whatever) and that he had seen what she had been through, the counseling, expense of counseling and of getting arrest off her record (attempting now), etc.
I'm just sick of some type of blowup every 2-3 months.
I have since spoken with X who agrees I do have a right (and her permission) to come on the property to pick up/drop off the children. I suspect but have not investigated a legal right also as we have shared custody.
Will the drama ever end?
Posted By: MaMaMo Re: I had my X arrested today - 05/12/14 04:00 PM
Do what just about everyone in Russia does...install a camera in your vehicle .. you have to know by now that your ex is out to get you away from your kids and will do anything and everything to accomplish her goal.

Her now husband wants to be her knight, but shouldn't be involving himself in her dramafest.

Maybe park on the street from now on to avoid both of them.
Posted By: sleeper Re: I had my X arrested today - 05/12/14 04:42 PM
It's taking a toll on me but something must be taking a toll on them as well. He didn't say I owed her an apology but I owed HIM an apology. X did make excuse of "He's just trying to protect me." On the phone she then went on to say just thinking about being arrested (cuffed, removed from property, given a citation and released) back in the fall was stressing her out, she developed a fear of the police, etc.
My only concern is the kids (who blame me for EVERYTHING)but this has given me some small insight to the stress X has caused for herself and them by the whole unnecessary mess.
Posted By: forward Re: I had my X arrested today - 03/19/15 12:17 AM
Sleeper, you were one person whose sitch I followed. I hope you are doing well.
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