I was posting here extensively in 2009, 2010 and 2011. It was my lifeline to sanity and then ... I guess I didn't need this place for a while.
Well, this has been a strange week and it's bringing me back for a bit. The divorce is two years and a few months old. In 2009, after I moved out (by request, I left thinking she'd beg me back in a month, life's big mistake) XW started seeing this Harley riding guy from a small town about 30 minutes away. Her best friend, who I considered a friend, set them up. It ended in 2010 and 2011 then they started dating again in Feb. 2012.
Yesterday, my 11-year-old told me XW is pregnant. She said XW told her she was on birth control and it wasn't planned. Today, 14-year-old filled me in on rest of plans. Harley guy is moving into my old house and they plan on getting married after the baby is born. She is 42. He is 43.
The old house is big enough that everyone gets their own room. It is good for me in a way because I live five minutes from there and I see the kids a lot. Every Wednesday after school. Every Thursday and every other weekend -- Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
We'd had a fight in the summer where she threatened to move in with the boyfriend in the small town. I told her I regretted not fighting for custody in 2010, 2011 and if she moved it would mean far less time with my daughters and I'd spend every penny fighting for custody this time.
I don't know if that scared her. I think instead it was my 14-year-old, who is a freshman in high school, telling her that if she moved to the small town then she'd come live with me.
So now, D14 says the plan is the new couple will stay in my area -- in my old house -- until D14 goes to college. D11 will then either be in 8th or 9th grade -- there's issues there -- and Dll will be old enough to decide whether she'll move to new small town with mom, Harley guy, and the toddler or she can stay with me and stay in the school district she's grown up in.
The bright side is that at least for a couple of years none of these arrangements change.
My head is all over the place on all of this. If anyone remembers my old posts, I'm one of those 1 percenters. I never wanted the divorce and no matter what I've tried, there's 1 percent of me who still believes she'll wake up someday and realize this was all a mid-life crisis and she made a mistake.
So I've been tremendously sad at times. I was thinking about the pregnancies of my girls. I love being a father. I loved it when she was pregnant. It was tiring, but those are some of the greatest moments of my life. The fact she'll be sharing that experience with someone else brings back a lot of hurt.
Plus, it complicates things in the future. Christmas. Vacations. Graduations. Weddings. There'll be this other kid involved who is not mine. I wasn't prepared for this one. I thought at her age this wasn't going to happen.
I burned up a lot of minutes the past two nights with friends and family and I hear what they are saying and my head knows they are right. This is a train wreck and I should feel lucky it's not my child.
XW was at least 40 pounds overweight before this pregnancy. Harley guy is a janitor at a company and makes OK money. He's the proverbial bad boy. He owns a car, truck and motorcycle and heads to the bar or out with the boys during the week and then bangs my XW on the weekends before going out to work on his truck. So he hasn't exactly been good for her. She looks awful, but keeps telling the girls how she's going to get back into shape.
Now, he's moving into a house with one teenage girl, an ADHD child hitting puberty, a dog, a cat, a bunny and a moody woman who wasn't a very energetic mother when she was in her 20s and a size 2 who also works 50 to 60 hours a week.
One thing I know. It's easy to be a boyfriend/girlfriend. No strings. You see each other when it's convenient. It's damn hard to be a husband and a father. I may be mediocre at a lot of things, but I'm a very good father. So now the rubber will hit the road in this MLC.
I've always thought D14 would end up with me at least half the time. When she was 9 and this happened she asked to live with me and I said I wanted to keep her and her sister together. She knows that at 16 she can decide her own arrangements. This situation might speed up that timeline.
D11? I don't know. She always wanted a baby brother or sister. So she's going to be extremely excited for a while. Of course, one this guy is there every day (they only see him four or five days a month now) maybe that changes.
Time will tell.
It's weird how life works because up until this week things were going pretty swimmingly in 2013.
I've been on dates with eight different women since the split up. Several through Match. One through DateHookup and another through OK Cupid. I've dated -- multiple dates -- three. The first was just a couple of dates and I ran away scared. She was crazy. But it was 2010 and I needed to get on with things.
The second lasted for three months in 2011-2012 and I broke that off right before I found out that XW and Harley guy were back together. She was just pushing for more than I was prepared to give.
This last one has been going on since November 2012. She's an English professor at the local community college. She has a D11. A very nice house and doesn't need fixing of any kind. And she's working tremendously hard to make me happy.
And I just don't feel for her what I felt for XW and I feel guilty that I let it go on. I enjoy my time with her. I've had more sex in this past near year than the last 5 combined with XW. And she rarely pushes me for anything.
I wanted to stop seeing her after two dates but the friend who set us up said that the list of must haves I had was so unrealistic that I could either resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life or I could give in on a couple of things.
And then there's the fact that I've made poor decisions when I let my heart lead the way instead of my head. This woman is perfect for me. Educated. XW barely passed high school and stopped going to my company functions after a couple of years because she said she felt intimidated by the conversation.
In shape. She's a vegetarian trying to go full vegan. She runs. Does yoga. Rides bikes. She's active.
She's a very good mother. Her D11 wants to go to an Ivy League school. I'm using the math tutor she has for Dll for my girls because math is their weakness.
Her family is very happy. All successful. No black sheep. XW's is a mess. They just drain the life out of people.
The girls have met her and really like her.
So what's the holdup? She's not a cheerleader/pom pon girl.
Honestly. When I trace it all the way back, that's it. I was a basketball/baseball player growing up. I was so into sports though that I was well behind on the social scene. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 16 and my first girlfriend until I was 17.
Being on the basketball team, I was always around cheerleaders and had crushes on several. But they were usually already taken and I was too shy.
I met XW when I was 17 and she was 15. She went to another school. I was at a party and became friends with a group of girls from the school. XW was one of them. But she was so quiet while I was outgoing that I scared her. She was gorgeous and I always wanted to ask her out, but I was intimidated because she never talked to me.
Fast forward. I go away to college. Come back and I was no longer scarecrow skinny. We ran into each other one night and afterward she pursued me. The night I found out she wanted to go out with me will remain burned in my memory forever - probably through Alzheimers. It so FED MY EGO that I ignored red flag after red flag and married her.
At my wedding reception a friend came up to me and said "you did a lot better for yourself than I thought you would."
I was mad at the statement and proud. I married the cheerleader, the beauty queen. I thought with my lower half. So when you ask why am I continuing the relationship with the professor I guess I'm waiting to see if I'll ever grow up and let my past go.
Money wise. It's still a struggle. I work for a newspaper so I haven't gotten a raise in five years. I'm very lucky to still have a job and to have risen high enough before the recession that I make OK money.
It's not enough to live well on with child support so I've carved out a schedule where I keep score at a high school for about $1,200 to $1,500 in December, January and February. I make about $2,000 a year umpiring youth baseball in April, May, June and July. I do the books for my sister's business in Minnesota and she pays me $100 a month. And I'm writing the autobiography of a bigwig in town. He pays me quarterly. I've made $1,500 this year doing that. I have another year to go on the project.
It's enough to allow me in April to move from a tiny house (1,000 square feet) to a 1,500 square foot one owned by a friend for just $100 more a month. He wanted to move to Fla. and he didn't want to sell in this real estate market. So again, I got lucky. Still, it's a stretch. But the neighborhood is beautiful. The girls and I have room to stretch out. It's actually a better house and better living situation than XW's. D14 said she wants me to never leave this house.
I got a settlement in the summer from a 2011 car accident that allowed me to buy a time share -- a small one, I didn't get rich - so I can take the girls to many of the places we dreamed about pre divorce. We did Disney in April. Next year, D.C. The year after New York. The year after that Texas. Then hopefully California.
I will work, work, work and work some more to make that a reality. I have $22k for D14's college and $19k for D11. That's pretty good considering everything. The girls are old enough now to see how much work I put into making sure their lives are limited as little as possible by this divorce. But they also are old enough now to know when and why their dad is hurting and to wonder if I'll ever completely get over this.
I was in a church group in 2010 and 2011 and I admitted something that I have to remember now.
I'm a mess. I'll always be a mess. I just need to become less of a mess every day.
How's that for a welcome back post.
Hi C2H,
Just have time for a brief comment. Sorry Ex is pregnant. But it's her life not yours.
What bothers me (besides what Gineen has pointed out about ex & your obsession/comparisons) is YouR obsession with body types and the beauty/ cheerleader thing. Come on man - how shallow can you be? Look what that type brought you.
I've been with a "nerd" type for almost 10 years now. I love my nerd. He is never who I thought I wanted but there is no drama. He is good to me. He is intelligent & can carry a good conversation. I will never tire of that. He is self sufficient, loves to do nice things for me & makes damn good $. If you let that woman go - you are nuts!
Go back to your C & work on this. Redirect your thoughts about ex. Just think "good for her". Smile that YOU don't have a baby on the way. And keep on being a great dad!
Barb
Good to get an update. Now go rent the movie "Shallow Hal". He gets to see the beauty of the people inside where it matters. Alot of the women he thought were gorgeous are actually ugly in the inside. Just watch it and if you have already seen it, watch it again.
Stop focusing on your ex. She isn't the prize you thought she was. Yet her former looks are burned in your memory and you can't seem to let that go. You have to. She is not good for you. Hanging on to the past isn't good for you. Focus on the girls and yourself. I hope you get off the looks wagon soon and you don't mess up a good thing with a good person because of it.
kat
Hi CTH. You're life sounds amazingly good. How about changing your screen name to something like LTL- Learning To Live. On another thread we've been talking about visualization, prayer and motivating yourself. Your screen name is a friggin menace to your life! Anyway, maybe part of your issue is you're at a point with this lady where it is no longer just casual dating, it's a relationship. I know I was involved with someone for 15 months and one of my issues was wondering whether I could really, really trust again in a more permanent relationship. There were other issues too but that one was there. I've never had to deal with my ex (we're divorced now, btw) re-marrying or having another child with someone else (she's batting from the other side of the plate) and I'm sure it creates a lot of emotion and jumbled thinking. But, don't go with feeling on this...use the old noggin and realize that feelings come and feelings go. If this keeps gnawing away at you then by all means go get some counselling. Don't blow what sounds like a really nice R because of your ex, she's taken enough from you already. Learn to live... and take back control over your own life! Make decisions for you now and not for the past.
Great to hear from you
Actually, I've seen Shallow Hal. I love the movie. Jack Black is great. Nacho Libre is under appreciated.
Today is the day after bombshell No. 2.
And the climb begins again. I went back and reread some of my situation back in 2012 before I went dark on here for a while. Can you guess that I couldn't sleep.
It all goes back to my basic fear. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid I'm unlovable. I'm afraid the kids who picked on me when I was younger and would come to school with uncombed hair in the same jacket for weeks at a time because I wasn't into style yet were right.
That old saying 'sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you' is crap. Bones heal. Names, and how they make you feel, linger forever.
It's not about XW. XW is just the last manifestation. When I started going out with her there was this rush because I thought she was out of my league.
I had that feeling with my first girlfriend, my girlfriend in college and the lady I dated before XW. In all cases, I fell hard and when they walked away I felt like the nerdy teenager again. And that feeling didn't totally go away until I got the rush once again.
Remember Church_31. Well she's Church_34 now and I don't see her anymore. I came to this realization last summer, if Church_34 was in my life then I wouldn't care about XW.
Part of it also is my competitiveness. I used to say the best revenge is a life well lived. And this year has gone really well. Things are at their best point in five years.
* Excellent house. Finally a home. A place to spread out and be proud to have friends and family over.
* Great neighborhood.
* Great neighbors.
* Job somewhat stable. Side jobs going well.
* A plan formulated if the newspaper continues to crumble.
* I still play basketball, softball, ride my bike, swim. I don't feel 44.
* Family coming for Thanksgiving. Savings plans in place so Christmas and summer will be taken care of.
* College savings for girls in a good place.
A lot of things I told myself in 2009 would happen if I just kept plugging away have happened. I know it's just a matter of continuing to plug away.
This is just a scab that was ripped back open and I'm going to bleed for a while. The bleeding will stop. I reread the post on the day I got divorced. I realized then that nothing in this has been as bad as imagined it would be.
Even this. I won't have to fight over custody. I get to stay where I'm at. In three years, if she doesn't come to me before, D11 will have a chance to pick me or XW. And even if she picks XW I should have the wherewithal to move closer to wherever she goes. Until D11 is safely off to college I will make sure I'm as close to an every day presence as possible.
Already my brain is readjusting itself. One post I read I've always remembered and I have to remember it especially right now. The Left Behind Spouse always imagines the Walk Away Spouse's life is way better than it actually is and imagines his or her own life is far worse.
A couple of weeks ago I ran into a friend who asked how things were going and I said, "Really, really good. I can't really complain."
Then I found out I wasn't going to work the marathon in October because they are full up. I was counting on that $350. So I'm really light on money now until December.
Then the newspaper cut pages, making us wonder if layoffs are coming.
Then pregnancy bombshell. Then marriage bombshell.
Even if I was the strongest person on this site, those two were going to hurt. It's like the scene in "When Harry Met Sally" where Meg Ryan breaks down because her ex boyfriend is getting married.
"I was supposed to get married first," she said.
The thing with the college professor is difficult because I told myself back in 2009 that I wasn't going to settle. I wouldn't get married until I had that feeling again.
That feeling stirred with Church_34 and it was intoxicating.
For whatever reason, I don't have that feeling with the professor. I don't think it has anything to do with XW, unless it's XW, First GF, College GF, all rolled into one. The ghosts of past rejections.
So I'm torn. This relationship is very comfortable. It fits my needs and apparently it fits her needs as well. I'm spending Saturday with her this week and Friday and Saturday with her next week. We're going to watch the entire final season of Breaking Bad. I got her hooked on it.
But I know deep down that if she ever wants to take it to another level I won't want to go to that level.
And I really, really, really want to get my act together to write a book. I have the outlines of how it would work and I have the pain, sadness, anger and hope that fights it out every day inside of me ready to pour out.
Had girls this morning and easily got them off to school. Another thing adding to the melancholy this week actually is D14. She is doing wonderful so far in her freshman year. 4.1 GPA. Last weekend we put together a list of 20 colleges she'd like to go to and then looked up the necessary GPA and ACT scores she'll need.
Plus, three weeks into school she started liking a boy and FINALLY it went in her favor. He asked her to homecoming and it's this weekend and it's her mom's weekend so all I'll get is a few minutes Saturday night to take pictures of her and the -- boyfriend -- it's not official.
So I was already a little wistful when the bombs started dropping this week. These are the moments I feel like are being stolen.
But I can't help that. In two weeks, I arranged for her to sing the national anthem at the high school football game. And that'll be my memory.
Last night didn't start well because I wanted to get the baby discussion out of the way and D14 didn't really want to. Once that was done I helped D14 finish her homework until the math tutor came over.
She's definitely a teenager and we have our difficult moments, but my relationship is solid with her. She knows that I've always chosen family first.
Hey C2H- It has been a struggle for me dealing w/ stbx and her boyfriend and I am anticipating getting the pregnant and wedding bombs in the future.
I imagine it will set me back as it has you.
This is soul level stuff we are dealing with here so be patient with yourself and allow yourself the time to process and move through these things.
Maybe some people on here are completely detached and this news wouldn't affect them but I think that the majority of us would have our wounds triggered.
C2h I agree with all of the above posts. My take is that you can't handle rejection. It is ok to be disliked. It is irrational to believe everyone should like you. I feel for you knowing that exw is pregnant. It kind of shuts the door to her. If she had the baby and wanted to come back to you would you take her back?
It isn't easy to love or fall in love after something like this. So don't be hard in yourself. Give the English professor a chance. Be yourself
Rick, that's true. I hate rejection. I'm sure that comes from childhood. I rarely just asked anyone out on a whim. I usually did everything I could to know if they were interested first.
Really good weekend.
Friday I worked the scoreboard at a high school football game. $45. I still can't believe I get paid to do that.
Friday night and Saturday until 5:30 p.m. spent time with the professor, watching a Breaking Bad marathon. There were two episodes left when I had to go see D14 in her homecoming dress.
She looked very pretty and very nervous. Finally met her date. We talked football. He's a nice kid. His parents are divorced as well. They were high school sweethearts apparently and a year ahead of me in school. The first BIG date. So he's a permanent part of her memories.
I haven't talked to D14 since so I don't know how it went. And she's not responding to texts, but then she'll let her phone die sometimes.
Weird seeing XW knowing she's pregnant. She didn't say a word about it. I'm not sure when she will. She knows I know.
Saturday night I went to a co-workers who escaped the newspaper and got a better job. She was having a housewarming party. We mostly complained about the slow, painful death of journalism.
After I went out for a couple with another couple of coworkers. One who talked to me again about looking at things objectively. From where he stands, I'm kicking XW's *ss in the divorce.
And I'm realizing that. In a way, XW is like Walter White. She's made a series of bad decisions that lead to more bad decisions.
I thought about that Friday night at the football game and I think I enjoyed myself more on Saturday.
Next weekend, I have D14 for Friday then Saturday the professor and I are going to take the train into Chicago and visit some of the independent bookstores. These are things XW would never want to do. She is scared of big cities and only reads romance novels and she'd never want to walk several blocks.
The professor and I will finish Breaking Bad as well.
Today, I had the day to myself. Dug up some stumps. Raked some leaves. Watched some football. Made $100 doing my sister's books for September.
Texted XW about a reimbursement for D14's braces. Originally, she told me I'd get $1,000 back. At the end of the process, she said she was reimbursed just $750 and she's sending me $375 minus some copays.
It's not $1,000, but it's still found money. Every little bit helps especially since this Christmas I'm going above present budget to get D14 a Macbook Air.
Not much to complain about.
Gineen knows what she is talking about. It took quite a bit of time to get her to not relate everything to her ex.
You know your ex was wrong for you yet you keep comparing every woman to her as if she is a high standard. Let her go. She has let you go. Take a deep breath and say it again. She has let you go. She has moved on. Now you need to also.
kat
My sister is struggling with her marriage and I've heard or read the same complaints before. I pleaded with her to at least do three to six months of marriage counseling before packing it in.
She reluctantly agreed. She texted me today after their first session. She said the counselor got her to see what's going on in her husband's head. She isn't convinced it'll work, but it's a start.
Today, I couldn't get my head into work much. That happens when I'm A) stressed over money and trying to figure out ways to make things work and B) when I'm in a woe is me mood.
I'm really stressed about the money -- although I'm trying not to be. Right now the math adds up, provided nothing big happens unexpectedly before December.
Not really a woe is me day. A couple stray thoughts here and there.
I got excited about a computer program the newspaper wants me to learn. Caspio. I tried it and if they decide to use it I can take 16 years worth of data and finally put it on the web. I'm a numbers nut. I would be excited to do that.
Then I ran my Monday night basketball league. It's been a struggle so far. I'm making just a couple bucks at it. I thought it would be a much bigger hit than it has been.
Oh well, every little bit helps.
D14 finally texted. She said homecoming was awesome. I'm a little sad I wasn't the one picking her up from the dance. Such is life.
ClingingToHope,
my x recently had a baby with her new H who was also the OM. and the whole situation threw me for a loop. lots of crap going through my head, very much similar to your own.
i think thats natural, just deal with it and dont dwell.
one excellent piece of advice that i was given is that this new child is my daughters sister.
and regardless of what i feel about it, my daughter is excited, and loves her, and is her big sister. To my daughter its the same as if it was her full sister, instead of her half sister (as i, in my shallowness, see it).
so its my job as her father to be excited for her, and not show her my own shortcomings and weaknesses and spitefulness. because if i do, then i will only hurt her feelings and alienate her and drive her away from me.
and its not easy, but it is necessary. forget your feelings for your xW or the new baby's father, focus only about your daughter and her relationship to the baby.
Ken raises a really good point. One of my friends in real life is a former poster here. Her XH married the OW a few days after their D was finalized, and she was already preggers.
Her son (who is now 20) came home from a weekend with his dad very conflicted, and finally spilled the beans to his mom. He told her he felt guilty wanting to know and love his new sibling. She was full of grace when she told him that she WANTED him and his sister to love their sibling with all their heart. They did so with her permission.
The story unfortunately has taken a bizarre, if not sad, twist. Their little brother is now almost 8. Two years ago, he came over to her house with her kids, and is already a wise soul. He asked my friend if it was okay if he was there. She loves kids and embraced this little boy and let him know that it was enough that all 3 of them loved each other and that he was welcome. He asked her last year if she would adopt him. Turns out his dad is still an a*hole and his mom is a self absorbed biatch. And this kid sits right in the middle of it.
You never know when you might be the one adult role model for another kid - a kid whom your D will love. By default, if your D loves her sibling, you're probably going to support her. In the end, it's not the kid's fault.
Good advice from Ken.
Ken, Underdog, I've actually thought about that a lot.
I love all kids. I'm a big kid at heart and I'm pretty sure when this kid comes I will be nice enough to him/her.
Now, rushing to meet him/her when it arrives -- I'm sure D11 will want me to met her now brother/sister, well that will be weird, especially since I've spent zero time in the immediate vicinity of Harley guy.
I actually feel sorry for the soon to be baby. XW was never that energetic of a mother with her first two daughters. I was the one who rolled around on the floor and made silly faces and all that.
That's just continued over the years and now each of them have a lot more of my personality than they do hers. In a way, they'll probably get that kind of treatment from D14 and D11. So I guess a little of me will be passed on.
I guess I dread the inevitable conversation where D14 or D11 wants to change plans with me to spend time with their brother or sister.
In the immediate future, there's going to be an IEP meeting for D11 and it's usually six women, one male teacher and myself. I'm hoping XW isn't showing so I don't have to sit there and listen to pregnancy talk.
I was going to journal, but there's not really much going on right now. Today, some texts with XW on scheduling stuff with D14 and D11 tomorrow. See them a little tomorrow. Have them Thursday then D14 on Friday.
Still not excited to be at work. Then again, this morning was a plasma morning and I was up at 5:30 a.m. so I'm tired.
ClingingToHope,
it was/is very weird for me. i went through a teachers conference, a school award night, a dance recital and a few other situations where everyone was doing the pregnancy swoon around the x. and in my head i just kept hoping no one would make the mistake of congratulating me.
if its any consolation, you can be sure the kid wont be as cute a baby as your own. my x's new baby looks like a mini Stan Laurel.
LOL, Stan Laurel? That's hilarious! Sorry...
CTH, like you, I have a special needs kid who gets an IEP every year. When my XH is in town, he accompanies me. And like you, this is primarily a female group (we've only once had a male present since she was 3). I often feel bad for my XH, and make sure that I include him in every discussion we have. I know that I have a mama bear complex, and it's been my role since day 1 to protect my kid. I know he doesn't feel any differently, it's just that I take the stage automatically.
I'm not going to apologize for that, though...
Knowing the educators involved with my D16, and I can't speak for you, but can you fire off an e-mail to the main person (special ed is called ILC here) and enlist her help in keeping on track? Let her know that it's uncomfortable to begin with, and this is just tough for you right now? Then get her to keep the other teachers present to stay focused. Crap, our IEP could easily last 2 hours, but we only get an hour to do it. I should think they welcome getting things moving along for the very limited time you get to discuss education goals.
My guess is that you'd garner support without having to take one to your gut, particularly since your IEP is about your daughter and not the mom.
Good luck!
Betsey
D11 is in a rough patch right now. She had a meltdown at school on Friday, then was sick over the weekend, served her suspension on Tursday and today had another meltdown this time with me.
Basically, she's behind at school because of being sick and the suspension so she had homework. She announced in the car she would fail art because there was no way she could get the art homework done by Friday.
Well, I said we had time to work on it right now and she couldn't play on any electronics until the homework was done.
She is seriously addicted to her DS, my Kindle, Minecraft, etc.
And she just went off for a while.
It took about an hour to calm her down.
She's struggling at school with a kid in her class who, she says, calls her ugly and stupid. She's complained and they are keeping an eye on it.
She's always been A) the youngest and most immature in her class and for a lot of years B) the bad kid, the one who gets into trouble.
So she really struggles with her self esteem and loves to get lost in video games, reading and writing.
After she finally calmed down we went for a bike ride to get some fresh air and talk before starting her homework.
Then we went back and finished her art homework -- I gave her five minutes on my Kindle before starting reading. Then XW showed up to get her.
I explained to her after she'd calmed down that when I was younger I would cry and scream and throw fits so I could play baseball or basketball or some kind of game before doing homework.
I usually got my way.
It only taught me that if I cause enough trouble I will get to do what I want instead of what is required of me ... and that has hurt me to this day.
We also talked about self esteem. She says the classmate makes her feel like she'll never have a boyfriend. No one will ever like her.
I told her the saying sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me is garbage. Bones heal. Names can cause permanent scars.
I told her part of the reason I've struggled so much with the divorce -- they notice -- is that I was an 11-year-old once who got picked on because my hair was messy and I didn't have cool clothes.
When I got married to a cheerleader type I felt like I'd shown all those classmates, see, you were wrong about me. Then, when it ended, I felt like I was that 11-year-old again.
So we talked about getting better together.
Anyway, XW came and got her and took off. And my head spun for a while on various weird scenarios likely to pop up in the next couple of years.
There are days I just wish I could zoom the calendar ahead to D11's college years when I can just, if I feel like it, put miles and miles between XW and I.
I'm at work now. My schedule is wacky right now. I end up working late a lot Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday so I can work shorter on Thursdays when I have the girls and Fridays when I either have the girls or have to go work a football game.
It's taking a while to get used to it.
Oh the emotional roller coaster. Thursday is my night with the girls, which I cherish but is also a challenge because the other household comes up.
D11 and D14 were talking about the weekend. XW asked for it so she can take them to a campground Harley guy goes to for a Halloween thing. The girls are taking friends so it's not just them and the other family.
Smart -- and I'm jealous as h*ll. And my my mind spun and at times I found peace by saying to myself, just let it go. The goal is to live my best life and let the chips fall where they may.
D14 had theater practice from 7 to 9 p.m. She's Lady MacBeth in the freshman-sophomore play.
When I picked her up you could tell she was upset. She was mad at the director. She's not getting the part right. She's mad at her friends. There's all this drama and she snaps at them and then doesn't understand why they DON'T UNDERSTAND her.
I listened. When we got home she snapped at D11 twice and without justification. At that point I told her she was wrong and D11 had done nothing wrong.
So she yells at me to get out and I leave to let her stew. Instead, I hear her venting on her phone and it can only be to XW.
XW then sends me a text instructing me how to handle her.
I have less than zero respect for XW and her parenting skills right now. It's a good thing she didn't call.
Instead, I texted back that I will handle D14 in my own way.
After a while, I went back in and we started talking.
It was up and down, at one point she said if she doesn't get out of this town and become an Oscar winning actress then she might as well kill herself.
Oh the drama. I asked her if my life was worthless. When I was her age I just KNEW, just KNEW I'd be a major league baseball player. After all, I was the best player in my city.
I didn't come close. And I still haven't gotten out of this town. But I asked her if that meant I was nothing, that I had no value, that I wasn't contributing?
I want her to have big dreams, big ambitions, but I don't want her to continue to chase happiness. If she's not happy with herself then she'll never be happy with anything.
After a while, we got down to the fear behind the anger. The boy who took her to homecoming has stopped texting her and isn't hanging out with her in the hall. It looks like this relationship has run its course and she's feeling again like no one will ever think of her as "the total package."
It all comes back to wanting to feel loved.
I told her that's a feeling that never goes away and the end of relationships almost always hurt.
Funny thing about Boy Friend 1 for D14, I actually got a call from my first girl friend last night. She's a business consultant in town and occasionally calls me to get her clients in the newspaper.
I'm actually going to do a series of stories on businesses in an entrepreneurship program that she works with.
Like many, I still carry a small torch for GF1, always have. She got divorced about the same time I did and I always hoped, you know, if circumstances were right. But she's never shown any interest and last night she was at a bar watching the Bears game when she called and it was difficult to hear so I cut it short.
It's weird how some relationships affect/scar you for life.
Last thing -- yesterday was a full day. I met with the director of a community center and got another side gig as a grant writer. I took a class at the local college last fall and found the skills you use in reporting -- writing, gathering, interpreting data -- is perfect for grant writing.
The next step though is actually getting experience. Most grant writers learn through working for nonprofits. I don't work for a nonprofit.
I've known this CC director for years and we struck a deal where he pays me a bare minimum -- $10 an hour -- to develop grant proposals. If any get funded then I'll get paid my newspaper rate.
It's low risk for them. I may make $500 to $1,000 over the next 12 months.
If any of the grants get funded then they come out way ahead.
I get at least something for my efforts -- I can't just write on spec -- and if some get funded then I can approach other nonprofits.
Good grantwriters around here command $100 an hour. At the very least, I hope it becomes the side job to replace all the other side jobs.
Lots going on yesterday.
You seem to spend so much time facing backward, the scars "for life" of relationships, the taunts of middle schoolers, the need to have a cheerleader to feel ok. Perhaps your choice of stories here is skewed but it gives an impression of someone who never grew up. Learn your lessons crom the past and look forward. Dont yearn for another high school girlfriend, when there are billions of women you havent met yet. Learn to feel inherent self esteem that comes with you whether you're with a publicly acclaimed beauty or just a regular good woman, or no one at the moment. It's good that your experiences enable you to relate with your daughters teenage angst, but i think your role should be to teach her to put it in perspective and love herself no matter what. But if you're unable to do that for yourself yet, you need to start there.
Teach yourself and your daughter to value the things that go below the surface. If you do, it's hard to see because you talk a lot about people congratulating you for snagging a cheerleader, about weight, about the surface things people on the outside seem to think are good.
Look forward to doing better, to not excusing your self esteem by words some 12 year old said decades ago, to not gauging your success in life by standards set by hormonal 17 year olds. Become more grown up! You have a lot more of value, i can see that from your postings, than whether or not the cheerleader wants to be with you.
Had D14 last night -- not my weekend -- because she has to be at a singing competition this morning and XW and the Harley guy are camping this weekend.
Hey bonus time. We hit the library to work on a school project then went to eat before going to the movies. We went to Cracker Barrell and had to wait 10 minutes. So we're shopping in the gift shop when D14 looks at some baby clothes, shows them to me, then stops and says, "I want a baby brother. I know D11 thinks I'm crazy, but I want a brother."
Then she stops herself and says, "I know you don't want to talk about it."
I didn't say anything and we kept shopping.
After dinner, we saw Gravity and it's very intense. D14 took a shower before bed. I brushed her hair and we got some sleep.
A 95 percent good night other than the baby thing.
It's going to be a difficult few months with that.
I woke up this morning with a realization why it's going to be hard.
A baby brother or sister is something I can't give them.
I have worked really hard to be able to offer everything here that they get at the other house. In terms of electronics, rooms to themselves, toys, clothes. Even animals. I don't have any, but both my neighbors do and there's a park behind us where D11 finds all kinds of dogs.
But I can't give them -- at least for now -- a baby brother or sister and that's a major reason it bothers me.
OK. Now I can deal with that. No matter what, that'll be a difference between here and there.
It's a difficult one to overcome. In the shower I was ticking off a lot of advantages I will have. Less crowding. More time to concentrate on just them. A greater ability to go and do things. Just less stress overall. A reminder of when life was simpler.
I can only play the hand that was dealt and I told myself last night not to panic, let the hand play itself out.
OK. Today. Drop D14 off and then head to Chicago.
Please hear that. You are so competitive and self absorbed that even your child is trying to protect your sore feelings. She's excited about a baby, an innocent little fellow human, but has to hide that around you. Which one is being more grownup?
By the sound of your post you would produce a baby if you could, to equalize your daughters' two houses. That sounds ridiculous! You've got really tough feelings to process, and you've got to feel your way through them. I hope you can rise above your immature gut reactions so your kids can share their joys and sorrows without worrying about which subjects are off-limits with dad.
Your d's have each other, they werent lacking for a sibling. You will always be their irreplaceable dad, whether you have an xbox or a baby or a million dollars, or nothing. Find your deeper value and share it with your kids. They're learning life from you.
Sigh ....
Still competing.
Still keeping score.
OK day in Chicago. We went to two independent book stores and there were lots of books, but nothing really caught my eye and there was just so much dust.
So we decided to take a cab to the Barnes & Noble nearest Union Station. I hate to say I enjoyed it a lot more. Cleaner. Better organized. Places to sit.
I didn't end up buying anything. I was interested in a book, League of Denial, so I bought it on my Kindle.
The professor got a book for her D11 and then we took the train back.
Sunday, we took her dogs for a walk, watched the final two episodes of Breaking Bad and then she had papers to grade and I had some work to do for my sister.
I'm caught up on saving for rent, bills so that eases my mind, at least for a couple of weeks. The wolves will be at the door probably until D11 turns D18.
The girls are over for the next two weekends. We're painting D14's room either this weekend or next and the professor is coming over Saturday to teach me/us some vegetarian recipes.
Things are going to be hectic at work for a couple of weeks, but that gets me out from under the thumb of a couple of bosses I don't like.
All in all, everything is good.
I'm having trouble understanding the living month to month thing & the "wolves at the door" when you settled a lawsuit, bought a timeshare & have $22,000 & $19,000 put away for your girls' educations. Something is out of whack. If you can't pay rent or put food on the table - you cash in education savings or sell the timeshare. Your girls must know how tight money is & that is very hard on kids.
The divorce set me back financially so that there was not much money set aside for education costs (he paid nothing for the D - I pd $25,000!). My children pd for part of their education, ex & I pd some each & the kids also got student loans (now pd off). It is admirable to have so much set aside for them but it seems out of balance.
I wish you could read what you write about $ and superficial things and see it with fresh eyes. Just as we do. Get your head out of the sand & please try to hear what everyone is telling you.
Barb
SFO, I choose to budget for things. I could take every dime I get and blow it. Instead, I put away money for summer, for a future house, for vacation, for my next car, for Christmas, for D14's birthday, for taxes and for emergencies.
If I'm going to accomplish any of those things it's going to be a little bit at a time. It's the Dave Ramsey way.
So yes some of this is self inflicted. I choose to put a lot of money away for future stuff so that I can enjoy my time in the summer with the girls, so I can enjoy vacations with them, so I can afford Christmas or their birthdays, so when my car needs replacing I don't have to take on a car payment.
I actually have a printout on my fridge with where I'm at every month. I see it every time I eat. It keeps me on my financial toes.
As far as college, if someone is criticizing saving for future college education costs -- well I question their fiscal knowledge.
Budgeting is what makes me keep my nose to the grindstone, to stay focused. So instead of on a Tuesday hitting the bars with friends I work on stuff.
GM, League of Denial is about the NFL's repeated attempts to bury concussion related research. It's an excellent book.
I got my phone bill today. I have an extra $40 on it for overages. Basically, when I got the XW pregnancy news I burned up all my minutes over three days.
I was off this site for I think 10 months because there was no need. Things were going well. All the part-time jobs were working together. I moved into a bigger, better house in April.
Summer went amazingly well. We did Disney, Chicago and lots of other stuff because I saved, saved, saved for them.
Then I got the XW pregnancy shock. And it was quite a shock and it reopened a lot of old wounds and I'm guessing it would have messed with the heads of 90 percent of the people on here.
Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe everyone on here is 100 percent healed. Life throws them a curveball and they just take it with a smile.
I doubt that's true, but that's how it appears to be.
I would never disagree that it is fiscally responsible to save for education costs or to pay cash for a new car but to do that at the expense of being able to afford your monthly responsibilities is Not. I don't understand that but it is your money to manage. The trouble is - you are worrying out loud here. And that means it is a problem for you.
So my question is - do you come here to vent or to find solutions & sympathy. We are good at both but we need to feel that our help is respected. If you don't heed any of the advice - why bother asking.
Barb
Dave Ramsey suggests after getting out of debt to have 3 to 6 months worth of expenses saved. Then you put in 15% into your retirement . Then 15% for college savings.
From what you have said, it sounds like you have skipped some steps. I think the biggest thing is having that safety net because inevitably something will happen where you will need to acess those funds. You don't need to share that, but I would think if you really were on step 5, you wouldn't have to be working all these odd end jobs.
kat
I feel like i'm talking to the walls here, lol!
I was afraid I might have been too harsh in my words but they seem to have fallen on deaf ears.
But before i go...i applaud your financial discipline and plan to study up to improve my own. People are probably reacting to your "wolves at the door" handwringing, which seems exaggerated because you have set up a pretty good safety net for yourself.
I feel sorry for the professor though. Even your nickname for her is about as unsexy as you can get. Maybe let her find someone who thinks she's way better than his ex? For her?
Anyway, good luck with your journey...
I dunno. Professor or Librarian *can* have a sexy connotation. Depends what you're into I guess
But Dude, you are comparing and competing with your ex. That's just silly. You're hurt. Ok. Got it. I think you have a lot of right to be hurt. But have you noticed it's you that's keeping you back? That's keeping you hurt? Your ex is going to do what she's going to do. Your actions seem on target - responsible and wanting to provide for your kids. But I think we all see what you're saying and wondering, "really?, that's what's important? Keeping up with the ex-jones'? " or is there more to your life and to you than to live under her shadow?
Process it as you need to in your way. But at some point you have to see that providing for your kids and competing with your ex are two very different things.
Just sayin'
AJ
Excellent weekend so far. Friday was the last football game for the fall and the school I run the scoreboard for was hosting the school where my daughters go to school.
So the announcer helped set up an opportunity for D14 to sing the national anthem with a senior from the host school.
I had to do a lot of logistical stuff so they could practice Thursday and then they nailed the anthem Friday. XW supposedly came, but I didn't see her. I was up in the booth with D14.
But for D14 that was just the second best thing of the night. After the anthem, the boy that took her to homecoming asked her to be his girlfriend. It's her first official boyfriend and she was on cloud nine.
It was a really cool night.
D11 stayed with the professor and her daughter, who although she's 11 is worlds different. They didn't get along great this summer, but Friday went well. She was laughing and trying to entertain the professor's daughter, who was skyping with her cousin in Baltimore.
So Friday easily was one of the top 10 moments of my post divorce days.
Today, D14 and I painted her room. It was expensive, but I have been saving a little each check for home improvements, so it was covered. D14's "boyfriend" called and asked her to eat dinner at his dad's house tomorrow. I said that's fine. They are Vikings fans. D14 knows nothing about football. I told her if it comes up, she should just say "Adrien Peterson is a beast."
Next week, I am hoping to take them to a college football game. But D14 may have theater practice.
D11 had a friend over for a few hours. It's one of those friendships where they are good together in small doses. The friend was over for five hours and by the end they were fighting.
Later, D11 and I watched the first episode of Glee. They've watched it with their mom and wanted me to watch. It's a good show.
D14 had a friend over and they spent most of the time in the basement talking. ... Life sands through the hourglass.
The professor did a zombie run today with her daughter. Her daughter spends one day each weekend with her dad so the professor is coming in the afternoon Sunday to teach D11, D14 and I one of her vegetarian recipes. D14 is interested in going vegetarian. D11 still has an awful diet -- she'll learn once puberty hits her.
With D14, the struggle when she was 11, 12 and 13 was getting her to up her exercise. That's changed. Today, we went for a run. Things are going really well for her right now.
I got paid $250 for a freelance piece I wrote for a national auto magazine. I got that money in the bank this morning and it means the wolves are away from the door for a couple more weeks.
Honestly, I have a question. What's the difference between competition and motivation? I read once and try to live by this -- the best revenge is a life well lived.
Glad to hear things are looking brighter.
What's the difference? To me, the difference is the motivating factor. If you're living a well-lived-life, you're doing it for you and for your kids. If you're competing, you're doing it to be "better than..." somebody else. She does x, so you do x+1 to be "better than or equal to.."
See the difference?
Your freedom comes from forgiveness. That's the end state when you can let it all go. When you can live your life unfettered and unhampered by your past and past relationship. You'll always have history and things you need to communicate with the ex. You have kids. It's inherent in that dynamic. That makes it a little harder.
I've walked those shoes. In some ways, I still do. My ex and her new husband moved in a few blocks away and keeps trying to pick fights etc. Actively. My kids - one in college and one a couple years away. I come back here to hopefully help others who are in similar situations, but I sometimes still have to check my motivation to ensure it's not competition or anger or something other than for me and my kids. It takes more effot when they actively try to instigate and harass. But the end state is the same - forgiveness and letting go.
Perhaps somebody else has a different approach or opinion.
Peace,
AJ
Sunday went well for D14. She had dinner at the boyfriend's dad's house. The boyfriend's parents are divorced. The dad lives on the river and has a couple of boats. The boyfriend actually made the beef stroganoff. It's really cute so far.
I'm taking the boyfriend and D14 to a college football game next Saturday. Give D14 a chance to soak up the college atmosphere a little. I have few worries right now about her. She got a 4.1 GPA her first quarter of high school and we've already picked out her top 20 choices for college and entered them into Cappex, an interesting college site.
We went shopping for jeans Sunday and she was going on and on and I told her the rule for dating will be the same as it was for theater -- if her grades drop then dating goes on hiatus.
Right now, a lot of things are going her way. It's good to see after all the drama the past couple of years.
D11 skipped her 6th, 7th and 8th grade church service on Wednesday and so she came with D14 and I to the big service. It's a big evangelical non denominational modern church -- lots of Christian rock. Everyone wears jeans. It can be overwhelming though.
She did OK. She really got into the singing. But after she said she'd go to the Wednesday service from now on. I thought that would be the result.
Everything was perfect Sunday and then she was messing around with her blinds and they got stuck so I climbed onto her loft bed and there was too much weight and part of the support gave way.
That irritated me because I thought I might be stuck having to get a new bed. This one came used. D11 thought I was mad at her. I told her I was frustrated that she was playing with the blinds instead of going to bed, but really I was worrying about the cost.
Still, she was up so late she was late for school. That's the first time in two years she's been late with me.
Going to be a weird week at work. I'm supposed to be learning a new database program, but stuff keeps getting thrown at me. I have several stories already on hold. It's hard to get motivated when you haven't had a raise in five years and you wonder when the next round of cuts is coming.
Went to run my basketball league tonight and we needed a player so I got back out there. I don't really mind anything about getting older -- except that when I play there are things I just can't do anymore. I held my own, but I was playing against top flight guys, most of whom never saw me when I really could play.
Here's an interesting thing -- when I was done, I felt flushed, angst gone at least for this day. It's always been like that -- almost a runner's high. Play for a couple of hours and everything will be OK. Well, OK after my whole body stops hurting.
There actually is a group of 40 to 50 year old guys that plays at the Y on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. They start around 6 a.m. I've resisted, sometimes because there are times during the year -- umpiring season -- where I can't afford to get hurt, and partly because I didn't want to admit that's where I probably belong.
Well, really, that's where I belong.
the difference between competition and motivation is the impetus behind it
Competition is when you play against someone else for a win
(what you do with your ex)
motivation is all about you
(what we keep telling you to do)
If you have wolves at your door you best stop investing in a college education for awhile and feed the wolves.
IF you were really where you say you are (in Ramsey's book) you wouldn't be working a million odd jobs and worried about paycheck to paycheck
when you stop using your ex as your "motivation" to live better, you might actually LIVE BETTER
Sigh. XW didn't give D11 her ADHD meds -- she forgot -- and D11 had a severe meltdown at school.
It proves that D11 is nowhere near being able to function effectively without them.
XW is on her way to school and I'm cringing at the outcome. We want the school to waive the inschool suspension because she didn't have her meds. XW said she wants to point out that the school didn't follow procedures in the IEP. I told her that perhaps she shouldn't discuss the IEP today, just say we forgot her meds can they waive the suspension and then discuss the IEP another day.
We'll see.
CTH, hopefully you have a little better perspective about competition vs. motivation. It's about you
I get that you're in a tough spot. Trying to parent with an ex is difficult to say the least. I get that. Believe me I do. But eventually you have to step off the train and still be a parent. It's a tough line and takes a lot of work.
You seem to be getting it. Is that the case?
AJ
Cth, I don't know if you are understanding that you need to use your desires to motivate you to move forward. You aren't going to get anywhere comparing your life, your failures, your successes to anyone else.
This is your game, make the plan and make it happen.
kat
Why do I feel like we are reading your Blog rather than having meaningful input?
Last year you were so concerned about money yet your savings are admirable. I would not be selling blood to do that though.
A year ago you really wanted D(then 13) to have a boyfriend & now you are thrilled that she does. Most of us would want to hold that off as long as we could. My friends & I just wanted to get our kids through their teens without a pregnancy or an arrest. There is plenty of time for dating - don't rush them to grow up.
Listen to the advice being given. I really feel like you're thumbing your nose at it. How's that been working for you? You should not have any wolves at the door!
Barb
Sigh. A few weeks ago XW said we'd be getting reimbursed for D14's braces. She got a check for $750 and my portion was to be $375, but she was going to take out copays.
She never sends me the copays. I have to request them and then I only get them if she's mad or broke and it's several months worth. I haven't gotten any since March.
Now, she's saying she only owes me $34 of the $375 because she's factoring in higher medical premiums.
I reminded her that that isn't part of the agreement. She offered me a lower insurance payment so I wouldn't seek custody and I agreed.
She says she'll have to take me back to court to amend the agreement.
SFO, I treat this site as a blog. It has all my posts since early 2010. I am doing the best I can. I treat this site as a place to vent.
Today's head scratching quote:
"You have no clue what go through to make sure that they get what they deserve."
Considering I work six jobs, I think I have an idea.
Venting is good and encouraged here. Ignoring what others are pointed out to you about you is not. Did your exw complained about that about you? You know not really caring how she felt or what she said? That's how you are coming through.
Why do I feel like we are reading your Blog rather than having meaningful input?
lol
C2H- I hope things worked out ok with your D at school
Trying to catch a quick nap before my latest adventure ... working the graveyard shift at UPS.
It's no windfall -- $8.50 an hour. Monday through Thursday, about 2.5 hours a night until Dec. 23.
Doing the math and it'll be maybe an extra $300. Still, I have to pay my share of D14's class trip to Europe in 2015 now and I have to save for D11, who will likely get braces next fall.
Let's see, this year I've made extra money as a book keeper, plasma donater, umpire, autobiography writer, scorekeeper, running race laborer and now package handler.
It has been a long but never boring year.
Good Thanksgiving planned. Cousin from Wisconsin is coming down with her family. The girls have always wanted to "host" a family thing. They are always "guests" even before the D.
Of course, I can't cook so we're going to a nice restaurant for a buffet, then spending some time at my house before they stay at the Radisson. I know the owner and he comped their rooms. They keep a pretty tight budget so it's a bit of a treat for them.
The professor's family is in town -- her parents and one of her two sisters. Tomorrow, I get to meet them for dinner. Thursday, the professor and her daughter might come over to the hotel to meet my cousin and let her daughter swim.
Friday, I'm going to the movies with her and her sister. Friday and Saturday one of my good friends is in town from Vegas and staying with me. He's coming out with us Saturday.
Sunday, rest, work on some grants, do some bookkeeping for my sister and work on the autobiography.
Work at the newspaper is a muddled mess. Every time I start to feel a little bit comfortable I find out I've somehow offended my boss again. It has been a hellish 14 months. I saved this lady's a** from getting fired when she was going through her divorce. Management teams changed and her star rose and mine descended in 2006. Then my D came around and I can't dedicate 60 hours to the place. As the newspaper kept cutting managers, she survived because she was the lowest paid. Finally, they'd cut so many she actually was put in charge and she's been making my life miserable ever since.
My annual review is coming up and it's pointless really. We haven't had a raise in five years. We aren't getting one this year or next and we unionized so raises will be set by a future contract.
I really don't want to go through the dog and pony show of sitting down with the current regime. So I finally asked for a transfer -- from a step above my boss. There was a chance at switching earlier this year but I worried it would cost me time with my daughters -- more weekend work -- and cut down on my side job time.
But I need a real job first and I just can't imagine making it through another year under the people I work for now. So I've put in my request and now any meetings about the future can be held with the knowledge that I'm looking to move to another department.
Things have calmed down at D11's school and there has been a very good development. She made a new "best" friend in the regular class -- not the special ed class.
With D11, it's never been about the grades, it's been about fitting in and finding friends.
D14 finished her play it was excellent. I brought the professor and her daughter. So it was kind of a coming out for us as part of the D14 official circle. We've made plans for the five of us to go to her parents' "cottage" on Lake Michigan in July. I love how the well to do talk. The "cottage" sleeps 10.
I also got a look at XW's fiance's extended family at the play. The fiance looks like the successful one in the bunch. The less said by me the better. Let's just say there's a big contrast.
Couple interesting things from D11. She mentioned her new "sister" -- supposedly there's a good chance XW's kid will be a girl. D11 said it's her "half" sister, not her "real" sister. I told her not to take out on her sister the fact that her parents -- meaning me and XW couldn't keep it together. It's not the baby's fault.
It sounds like it's starting to hit D11 that this new dynamic is going to be a lot different.
D14 is drama as usual. She's still with boyfriend No. 1. They are both painfully shy and he's really into sports and D14 is not. So they have little to talk about and D14's eye is wandering, but she doesn't know how to break things off.
This is a tough one. I told her I don't have a lot of advice for her other than she needs to realize no matter how she is about it it will still hurt.
So that's my update. Now for a 90-minute nap.
Just because your daughters boyfriend is into sports and she isn't, she wants to end it??? Did you tell her most guys are into sports? Though this is her first boyfriend, it is a great time for her to find other things that both if them might like. Encourage her to give it more time. There are so many sides to people.
Look at you and your girlfriend, though I really don't like you referring to her as the professor, I am sure you both are very different but she is giving you lots of time to show your different sides.
Why don't you know how to cook Thansgiving dinner? Think of the hard earned money you would save by putting together a special meal. You could have other friends bring a dish and there you have dinner and company.
Have you ever checked out flexjobs? You can find lots of options for extra work. You do have to pay for the service but it isn't too much. I think it was 32 for the whole year.
Good job on helping your daughter with the baby. This child is their real sibling and they don't need to penalize it to make anyone else feel better.
Kat
Yes, I cringe every time you refer to her as "the Professor" - so impersonal. It feels like she is a trophy girlfriend - someone you can flaunt as better than ex.
But whatever - I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Barb
The UPS thing was an adventure. For seven weeks my life basically was work, sleep, work. All for an extra $600.
Still, I needed the money and I won't rule out doing it again next year.
So the New Year is upon us and I feel like the Arc. As the storms rage all around, I've continued to float higher.
Getting this house in April was huge, just huge. The summer was extremely fun. The fall -- with the ex being pregnant thing -- was hard. But winter is off to a good start.
As always - or at least until I either find another job or ride out child support - I see financial storms on the horizon in 2014. But so far I've always found a way through them.
Things with the professor are going well and it's an interesting emotional exercise. I really like spending time with her. My daughters LOVE her and she's great with them. But still I don't want to spend all my time with her.
I finally finished the UPS stuff Monday night. Tuesday, the professor came over for Christmas Eve since her daughter was with her father. Then Wednesday we spent most of Christmas together. Friday I went over to her house and begged out of staying the night. I was actually coupled out by then.
I didn't get that feeling with XW. I wanted to spend all my time with her. But then again maybe that was puppy love. It's interesting trying to figure myself out.
Work is boring as h*ll, but at least I don't appear to be on the hot seat anymore. So that's nice. Still, I want to do something else. I'm considering meeting with several bank presidents in town to see if I'd qualify to be a commercial banker. I'd like to do something to help small business owners and access to capital is always the No. 1 issue. But I have no banking experience. I just need to keep looking.
Now that I'm done with UPS I can get back to my several other pursuits. If it's not one thing, it's another. And I need to get back to the gym. The UPS thing messed up my body clock. I was rarely getting more than 4 hours of sleep. I didn't have time or energy to work out. I also was rarely eating so I didn't gain weight. I just felt like a lump.
In the week since, I've caught up on sleep but still lack energy, plus I've started eating again and I put on a quick 10 pounds. So back to the basketball floor tomorrow.
The girls were over off and on last week, but now I'm in a stretch where I won't see them for a week. That's rare and weird not to be around them. But that ends Thursday and then it'll be 2014 and there's going to be lots of adjusting going on at the other house when this new baby comes.
That's a whole new variable. It's going to be an interesting year.
I personally don't mind putting on a slow 10 pounds. But those quick ones are murder!
Yes, it is going to be an interesting year for you!
Working a night shift -- which is really easy. So I'm catching up. This is the busy time for my scorekeeping gig. I'm at the high school 17 times in the next five weeks.
It's my favorite job though. If I won the lottery tomorrow I'd quite the newspaper and keep the score keeping job. Getting paid to watch basketball is fun for me.
Finished paying my portion of D14's Europe trip in 2015 to XW. That's what the UPS gig was for. Now, I'm going to try to help D14 save up $1,500 over the next year and a half for the trip so she can have a good time. It's two weeks with stops in Germany, Spain, France and England.
Dropped five of the quick 10 pounds that I put on during Christmas. Playing more basketball. It's a little nerve wracking because a serious injury would hurt me financially, but basketball always has been my "runners high" and I've missed it.
This weekend was an interesting exercise in letting go. D14 wants to tryout -- along with several thousand others -- for The Voice in Chicago. She has a 7 a.m. tryout Sunday morning and she wants to stay at a motel nearby so she doesn't have to get up at 4 a.m. to get ready.
It's my weekend so I'm taking her. D11 doesn't want to tag along and I was working on options when she told me in the car that XW told her she could stay with her and go bowling -- with fiance's family -- Saturday night.
Well, I hadn't asked for help and I didn't like XW meddling in my weekend. I try to NEVER do that on her weekends. That's hard to explain to D11. She just thought, "it will be fun."
In the end, the options I had lined up weren't going to be as good as the bowling offer and I couldn't make myself not let her go bowling. Had the bowling offer not been offered I had a good setup for D11. I'll have to let this one go.
Plus, there's an annual Martin Luther King tournament that I have to work and that means more time away on Saturday and Monday. The great thing about the scorekeeping gig is I control the schedule so I usually don't schedule myself on weekends the girls are over. But this will be an extra $180 cash and with the annual Wisconsin Dells trip in two weeks I couldn't pass it up.
Girls have Friday and Monday off so D11 is having friends over Thursday and Friday night, so it's not a total loss.
Booked one of my summer weekends. The time share is a good thing. It's going to be a very good summer. Not as expensive as last year. But still good. We're doing a Michigan trip with the professor and her daughter after July 4. Two days in Wisconsin (timeshare) two weeks after that and four days in D.C./Virginia in August (timeshare).
Things are still going well with the Professor. Her 11-year-old doesn't really like my 11-year-old. She likes my 14-year-old. But it makes things awkward. Still, we're doing the July trip together because there'll be enough room for everyone to spread out.
The funny thing is for years I was the sophisticate in the relationship. XW just wanted to sit on a porch at a trailer at a campground with her mom every summer. And she ended up trading me in for a biker guy who just wants to sit around a campfire and drink beer all day. I wanted to go places, see things, meet people ... get out of the chair. I get bored doing the same thing.
The professor's family are all travelers. Her two sisters have doctorates. One is an attorney, the other a medical researcher. So the professor jokes she is the "black sheep" of the family.
This trip we're taking in July is to her parents' "cottage" on Lake Michigan. The "cottage" sleeps 10.
We had lunch today and she was telling me about the family trip they are planning. Her sisters and her parents. They can't decide whether to do something in the U.S. or overseas.
I just smiled. My parents are long gone. There are no deep pockets in my family. I'll never be able to take the girls places that her daughter has already seen. They'll have to do that for themselves.
It's a weird feeling. It's the comparison trap. My daughters have been to Disney twice. We take annual trips to the Dells. They've stayed in suites while staying on Michigan Avenue in Chicago. I'm proud to say despite the divorce that they don't hurt for experiences. Everyone plays the hand they are dealt. This is a good reminder.
D11 got her grades today. All A's and B's. She's still in special ed half the day for her ADHD so it's hard to tell where she stands with her peers. Next year when she hits seventh grade is going to tell a lot.
D14 got a 4.1 GPA. Her two B's were in honors classes. Right now she's extremely focused. She has her heart set on UCLA. There's a long way to go until that decision is finalized, but she's already a much better student than I ever was.
Good update!
Why did your daughter pick UCLA? I went to UCLA. Great school! I am from SoCal though so it made sense. I always wonder why people from out of state pick a particular school. Is this based on her intended major?
D14 wants to go into theater/movie production and has her heart set on UCLA -- right now. We looked up a bunch of top 10 lists -- top ten for singing, theater, acting, movie production and UCLA is on all those lists.
That's more than three years from now so we'll see.
Typing an update from the Wisconsin Dells. Had to move our annual Christmas trip to this weekend because of a bunch of conflicts.
I think next year -- Kalihari -- will be our last Christmas Dells trip. It will be our seventh year and D14 and D11 are about water parked out. Each spent maybe two hours in the water last night. Today, D14 isn't going at all and D11 isn't going either.
The only ones going back are the professor and her 11-year-old.
The Kalihari has a movie theater, indoor adventure park, driving track. It'll be a good way to wrap this tradition up.
Three weeks of basketball left and a final $500 for this season. Then a five week break until umpiring starts.
Even though I've spent a bunch this weekend, things are actually going really well on the money front. I have a schedule and a system and if nothing ever improves for me I can exist on this schedule.
Work is going well. I'm off the hit list with boss. I'm still bored as h*ll, but I'm working on some side stuff that keeps me interested. Life just rolls along.
D14 is done with the boyfriend and focusing on theater. She got the part Hedy Larue in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. It's one of the leads and she's just a freshman and beat out juniors and seniors. So she's satisfied with that.
The issue now is social media/drama of high school. She was up until 1:30 a.m. last night at the resort. I thought she and her friend were working on a school dance. No. They were in a facebook argument.
That stuff makes high school even harder.
D11 has two friends with her at the resort. She had a tough December, but she's having a good January. She's still getting along well with this new friend who comes from tough circumstances.
Things with professor are going well. I like this part of the year because I have so much going on with basketball I get a lot of time to myself.
Speaking of basketball. I'm playing more and by playing more I'm playing better and when I play better I'm happier.
Here's a weird realization. When I am comfortable with money -- have some in bank and am saving -- and I'm playing basketball I'm good. That overcomes everything else. When I'm anxious about money and I'm not playing then the tension mounts. Then all the rest of it bothers me. It's like the high from running around and playing well flushes the toxins away.
Very, very, very little interaction with XW and that's good. The baby is coming some time in April or May and I'm curious how things change with the girls. One thing is she'll be off much of May, June and July. I used to be able to take the girls whenever in the summer. I'm not sure how that'll be different this summer.
But that's down the road and that'll take care of itself.
As someone who is in the film business... it's so funny to me that UCLA is still considered one the top film schools. Don't get me wrong - it's a great school... but it's not like the folks who come out of there are any stronger than other college students from film school students.
I went to Columbia College Chicago - so I have a special spot in my heart for Chicago. If your daughter wants to act, I would suggest checking that out - or even Depaul. Maybe NYU. Chicago and NY are both stronger for the theater/acting side than any of the schools here in LA.
I knew a lot of 'film' students at UCLA but they were all on the more technical side, not actors. I think UCLA gets put on the top of the lists mostly because of it's location. Proximity to Hollywood doesn't make it a great film school. Now, if she wanted to major in biology or history then UCLA is an AWESOME school.
I would love love love for D14 to pick Columbia College Chicago. A lot can change in three years -- and honestly the cost of sending her to UCLA would be prohibitive since we're in the Midwest.
Wrapping up the basketball season this week. We've had so many snow reschedules it's created a marathon of games at the end. I won't complain though. I'd work EVERY game if I could.
I am looking forward to having my week nights free in March, April and May. The year has a bit of a rhythym to it now. In April and May I make my extra money umpiring on weekends. In June and July the weekend tournaments stop and I work on week nights and have my weekends free.
Then August, September and October are pretty dead -- unless I decide to do UPS again and start in October.
Then basketball season again.
Anyway, D14 as a freshman has the No. 3 role in the junior/senior play. She's spending lots of time at the senior campus and getting to know several upperclassmen.
This morning after rehearsal she said things "are just starting to pop."
She really is doing well. She even had her second boyfriend. It lasted a week. He was a junior. They agreed it wasn't working and that was that. She wasn't broken up at all.
She's also filling out her first job application.
D11 is building a strong friendship with this new girl who comes from troubled circumstances. I can't put my finger on why but I need to watch this friendship closely. I'm not totally comfortable with her yet.
The professor came with D14, D11 and I for a family dinner with friends. The dinner went very well. The professor didn't say much even though she knew most at the table. One is even one of her students. I've had so much basketball that I'm not seeing her much. But at the end of the month her daughter goes away for two weeks at the same time my schedule clears up so there will be a lot more time.
For Valentine's Day she wanted to do this couples massage class and I said yes and then she got really apprehensive. It sounded better in theory. It turned out to be three couples and we were the youngest ones. I actually learned a little bit. The "teacher" just made some bizarre comments that made the professor uncomfortable.
Hey, I played along and put my time in.
Have had a good extended stretch of not having to see XW. I'll have to see her for D11's IEP meeting next week. She's due sometime in April/May and it's still playing on my mind.
Part of me remains jealous. I love kids and I miss having small ones.
Part of me is angry because this just adds another family variable. I'll have to -- and my daughters -- will have to put up with this other family forever.
Part of me is happy because for the past eight years I got blamed for all of her unhappiness. Well now she'll have an infant and a new husband and it won't be easy anymore. Being a boyfriend/girlfriend is easy. Being a husband and father takes work. And I worked at it.
Work ... I'm still here and now I'm reporting to someone who was my intern back in 2005. I like it though. I respect her opinions and she understands my various conflicts.
Really, time is marching on and I'm marching on as well. If anything, I'm getting too settled. I somewhat miss the times in 2009 and 2010 where I was pushing myself to get back out there. I need to get out a bit more the next few months.
That about does it for now.
Long, stressful week done.
D15's play was this week, which meant potentially more interaction with XW and possibly a biker guy and all the Clampetts siting.
Plus, two weeks ago I hit a huge pothole and popped a tire and then found out I needed another tire. So that was $220 gone -- and March is typically a low money month.
So I was feeling stress. Lots of it. I could just feel it in my chest and see it on my face. I started to break out again.
And when I'm stressed I'm just not as patient a parent or person.
Last Friday, the 28th, D15 comes home from rehearsal in a p*ssy mood. I'd gotten some texts from XW about how D15 was snapping at everyone at the play and generally acting like a diva.
So I wanted to know what was going on and ... massive teenager struggle ensues. At one point I snapped that I was just going to drop her at her mom's. She called my bluff. I know not to try that card again. I'll never just give up and give her to her mom. Instead, I just stayed and stayed. And she was saying mean, nasty, hurful things to get me to go. It took a couple of hours but finally it all came out ... and it was boy issues mixed in with some self doubt because she's a freshman performing with all these juniors and seniors.
At least we got that out of the way.
D15's first play was Thursday night -- my night. I had to take her to get her hair done. But D11 had a bad day at school. She was caught drawing violent images after a boy had upset her. D11 has had entirely way too much alone time the past three years. I've had to leave her home for chunks at a time and with D15 in rehearsal all the time, her mother routinely leaves her at home for three hours a day after school. I hate that. But I can only leave work early a couple of times a week.
So she isn't getting monitored nearly as much as D15 was at that age -- it's the fallout from divorce.
Still, overall she's doing better at school work, making friends, etc. It's just that she's gotten into these RPG Horror Games on the web and it's something that has to be watched.
So XW sends me a long text about how she's going to restrict this, restrict that and I need to support her.
Sigh.
When I picked up D11 I asked her how her day went and gradually I got out of her the problem with the picture. I told her that we were concerned and there was going to be more restrictions ... and a 3 1/2 hour off and on meltdown occurred.
It was a miracle I was able to get D15 to her hair appointment and then to the play. When the meltdown got really bad, it got really really bad. D11 said she hates her mother -- not just because she won't accept her but because she's having a baby with another man.
I told her I agreed on the computer restrictions and eventually she hated me too. And she tried saying all kinds of things to get me angry to react. Mean, nasty, hurtful things trying to draw a reaction. It took greeeeaaaaaatttttt effort not to lose my temper.
It was interesting to hear her say she hated the fact her mother is having another baby with another man. I know D15 isn't happy, but D11 seemed to be excited, like she was getting a puppy.
Anyway, the emotional storm broke about 15 minutes before the play and we actually made it on time. D15 did well. She had the third largest part as a freshman in the junior/senior play.
D11 bounced between me and XW, who was by herself.
I will admit I did not acknowledge XW. She's very pregnant and I don't want to be around her. Last year, if she was buy herself at kid stuff I'd at least go say hi. Not this year. I don't want the embarrassment of anyone asking when "we" are expecting.
This weekend is XW's so I took the professor to D15's play Friday night.
We were walking to the cafeteria during intermission when XW came walking out of a different door and she was right there so I said hi and we kept walking.
After the play, we went looking for D15 and she was in the hallway with XW and the X-Mother In Law. No biker guy. We stopped about 10 feet away and waited. D15 came over. I gave her a hug. Took a picture and we then left.
So that is it. I didn't go to tonight's play -- the biker guy and gang were coming. And I'm not going tomorrow.
I told D15 the reason why. The professor and I were going skiing. I hadn't done it since before meeting XW and ... I really miss skiing. I had a h*ll of a time today. The professor had skiid before. She's from Michigan. But she's not great at it. She did five runs on the bunny hill and then quit. I then got three in on the bigger hills and we took off. I'm going to go to a more challenging mountain next winter.
XW would never do something like that. It really was an excellent day. Tomorrow is basketball and work on my sister's books and a couple of writing projects.
I'm free of XW for a few weeks. The next shoe to fall is the baby being born. I'm hoping it doesn't happen on my weekend or one of my Thursdays. I can't imagine the feelings I'll have if I have to drive my daughters to the hospital so they can wait for their sister from another father be born.
That's the next biggy on this adventure.
Wow, you're being amazingly strong under the circumstances, hoe you have a blast on your ski trip.
Journaling:
So it's youth baseball umpiring season on my revolving carousel of part-time jobs. I worked a tournament last weekend and made $280. League play was to begin tonight -- but it's snowing so no game.
Instead, I'll head to the professor's house for dinner then work on writing projects at home. If it's not one job it's another.
Professor and I have been going out now for 17 months. We had a talk a couple of weeks ago that was interesting. Ever since XW and I split I've been looking for the next person to do the "spend rest of my life" with thing. That's the goal, right?
I quickly got out of two other relationships because I couldn't see a long-term future.
I've gone back and forth on this relationship because I just don't see this being the one forever and ever. So I feel guilty, like I'm wasting her time.
She said she's not looking for happily ever after. She just wants someone for now.
Her daughter is 12. My youngest is 11. Her daughter has her sites set on Harvard and the professor plans to move to be close to her daughter when she goes off to college.
I'm not sure where D11 will end up for college, but I know I'm not going to move to be closer to someone else's daughter and away from mine.
So really there's an expiration date on this whole thing and she's fine with that. So that lessened some of my guilt.
Now that umpiring has started my money stress has lessened until August. I've booked the summer trips. Things are going well. This past weekend was an A- with the girls. D11 had a friend over who I think likes D11, but they don't have a lot in common. So after a while she gets bored with D11. She tries to stay though because she doesn't like her home and she wants me to buy her stuff. This weekend was a stay at home and veg weekend and she was upset about it. I was a little short with her.
Plus, the girl comes from a very messed up home and tells me all the things her mother, grandmother and aunt say -- and it's just not an intelligent group. I look at her and think "this kid has no chance."
After that girl left on Saturday D15 had a friend over and that went really well. D15 has hit a lull. She went to a friend's house two weeks for a sleepover. It didn't go well. A guy D15 likes ignored her and it got into her head and got into with her friend, who the guy does like. And she has a temper and with twitter things get blown up so now they are not friends.
In the long run it's probably a good thing. Her friend was a lot faster track with guys. Ah, the drama of teenage girls.
Journaling:
So one drama is about to come to an end. The XW is due this weekend. I'm reallllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hoping she has this baby some time in the next eight days. The girls are with her this weekend and I don't want to have to go through the crap of actually taking them to the hospital on my time so they can see a baby born from a different dad. If she doesn't have it this weekend I may just give up the next weekend because it's Mother's Day anyway. It's just one day in the grand scheme of things.
Hammer away. I don't care. It's how I feel.
I keep telling myself that nothing in this journey has been as bad as I imagined it would be and I'm sure this won't be either. I'll get used to it and really it's not going to affect me much. It just means this other family likely will be involved in the big stuff, like graduation and weddings. It just muddies things.
I've had a little peace of mind lately remembering that pretty soon the hard part starts. It's easy to be a boyfriend/girlfriend seeing someone every other week with no ties. And it's exciting to play the expectant mother/father.
Now, there'll be a baby and bills and time pressures and expectations. This is where the rubber hits the road for XW and biker guy. Good luck with that.
So yes. It's been on my mind -- and I try to remember the best revenge is a life well lived.
Good stuff. Today, D15 got her first job. I'm friends with a guy who owns several businesses and got her an "interview" at a miniputt/go kart place. They get like 200 applications a year for about 30 jobs. She was guaranteed a job, but still she was nervous and did her hair. They are going to give her enough hours to keep her occupied, but not too many to get in the way of our two family vacations and her theater stuff.
Next year, if she likes the job and decides to do it again, she'll have to let some of the theater stuff go because she's doing a two-week trip to Europe and we're spending a week in NYC.
I'm torn. I'd like her to have one more summer before working, but she wants to earn money for Europe.
D11 is doing well. School is going fine. Things between us seem to be as good as ever. I think she's playing a bit of a role for me. When she talks to others she's excited to get a new sister. When she talks to me about it she says she's upset because it isn't mine. It's going to take some adjusting. That's a toughy. I don't talk about the other house at all or ask. I treat it as if they are off to college.
D15 and I haven't talked at all about this new sister in months. I just want to sit back and let things develop. They know it stings.
Things with the professor are going well. It was her birthday this Sunday -- which coincidentally was my old anniversary. That's weird isn't it? I had her 12-year-old pick out a keep sake from her house then I had a local artist turn it into a necklace. I had my daughters pick out earrings for her. So everyone had a part.
I had my daughters for her birthday so the five of us went out for brunch.
It was awkward as usual because her 12 year old and D11 aren't exactly friends. They aren't enemies. But her 12-year-old is 12 going on 25. She wants to be an adult. She doesn't like kid things and she's a very quiet only child not used to sharing.
D11 right now wants to be a kid forever and doesn't understand the professors kid at all. Plus, with her ADHD, she's kind of had the run of both houses over the years and is outgoing, a hugger. She struggles with quiet people who don't want to share. The professor's 12-year-old intimidates her.
Still, it was probably as good a meal as the five of us have had together. We're taking a trip in July together to the professor's cottage in Michigan. I guess her 12-year-old is nervous because she took a trip with her dad and his girlfriend a couple of years ago and had to share rooms with the girlfriend's daughter. When that didn't go well the dad and girlfriend started fighting and they cut the trip short.
She's worried that could happen with our trip. I'm not fretting that much because in this case the professor and her daughter will share a room. D15 gets a room and D11 and I will share a room. So everyone has their own space. And there's going to be lots to do for three days. It's right on Lake Michigan. There's a horse farm nearby. A small river to go tubing. Deer in the woods. And we'll have two cars. If we need to split up for a while, we will.
There's no Internet and I think that will be the biggest challenge.
Other things. Nasty weather is cutting into my umpiring money. I've adjusted by putting more time in on rich man's autobiography. I actually have to finish it now that his divorce is completed. I could get an extra $3,000 to $4,000 in the next 10 months so all is good.
I interviewed a guy for it and he got divorced in 2001 and he said, even though I could see the pain when we got into some of the specifics, that he is way happier and that I'll get there. I think so too -- in time. Honestly, the professor is such a better match for me. It's not even close.
Anyway, still plugging along doing work for my sister as well. Honestly, I have a tiring schedule, but I'm making it work. If nothing gets worse I can make it. I can even thrive.
Finally broke down and got myself a DVD player. Mine had been broken for two years and I just didn't see the need to replace it. Now that I have it I dusted off my Body Pump DVDs. Time to get in really good shape again.
That about wraps it up for now.
It really sounds like you have a good handle on things and it's going well. I'm glad to hear it!
Well, I'll say it. I hate Mother's Day.
My mother died 18 years ago. So that's one thing. Then five years ago, on Mother's Day, XW and I had the last blowup that led to my fateful decision to let her kick me out.
I say it that way because it was calculated. She'd said in February 2009 that she wanted me to leave. I talked her into waiting until school year was done. Then March went really, really well and I thought we'd turned a corner. Then a remark to D15 -- then D10 -- turned the tide the other way. Then Mother's Day. I had an ear infection. XW was away on a scrapbooking weekend. When she came back house was a mess because I'd been in bed for two days. We went to her mother's house -- things were OK. When we came home she blew up at D10 for not having homework done. She came down stairs and blew up at me too. And instead of listening and letting it blow over. I got defensive, which I've since learned is exactly the WRONG thing to do.
When the fight ended I was on my way to my friend's house and that was the last day we were a family.
Looking back. I should have just gone to bed. I should have just let her vent. I should NOT have left. I should have made her leave. I thought by leaving she'd beg me to come back in 30 days. I left all kinds of money in checking account and she found biker guy within 60 days.
And that started this journey.
On the schedule, this is my weekend. But she gets them for mother's day and I get them for Father's Day. And she still hasn't had that baby. So last week I texted offering to switch. She could have them all mother's day weekend. I'd have them all father's day weekend.
That allowed me to umpire a one-day tournament yesterday and make $140.
That gives her the girls three straight weekends and SHE HAS TO HAVE the damn baby sometime in these three weeks. She was due last weekend.
This means I don't have to see her lying, cheating face on Mother's Day.
Well, I'm off to the professor's house. I'm not all that excited to be going today. I have stuff to do here, but I'm not being very productive.
I did get to see D15 for a moment. I got her a job so she can make money for her Europe trip next summer. It's tough for teens out there, but I pulled some strings and got her in one of the more sought after work places.
She's mostly going to work weekends in the summer and she's liking it so far. But it rained today and they let her go early and she needed a ride and got ahold of me first.
Life marches on even when you want it to just hold still for a while.
This really is perfect. The girls new half-sister was born on ... mother's day. It's such a coincidence you just have to laugh.
Well, now comes the hard part over there.
Me, I'm pricing hotels for one of my summer trips. D11 wants to go to St. Louis in June.
Low energy this week. Part of it is adjusting mentally to the girls new reality. Part of it is being tired from all the umpiring. Part of it is being tired from the mental math of the upcoming summer.
Still, I got up and got a run in.
Sigh.............. teenagers.
I never really thought I'd feel this way. I woke up this morning just dreading the day -- because the girls were here.
It's mostly the 15-year-old. They haven't been here much the past six weeks because I traded mother's day weekend for father's day weekend.
The 15-year-old and I went to a movie Friday night. That was good. Then yesterday we were in the car and she was telling me a story about school where she was tempted to cheat on a test and decided not to.
She had a 4.0 her first semester and has a 3.7 GPA this semester. So I was concerned that she was even thinking about cheating. She has her sights set on some pretty good colleges and I worry she's putting too much pressure on herself.
I was trying to ask her why she would even think of cheating and she told me to stop scolding her. It's the latest in a long line of conversations where if I ask any questions whatsoever I'm criticizing her.
So the rest of the car ride was in silence. And there was more silence this morning. And she went to a friend's house and asked to stay the night and wants to skip lunch on a riverboat tomorrow.
I said she could stay the night, but she couldn't skip the lunch. It's the only Memorial Day thing I had planned.
The whole thing put me in a lousy mood and I was short tempered with D11 and her friends.
I didn't get it back together until I went to church. I remembered a lot of those kinds of car rides with my parents and I -- foolishly -- thought maybe I could avoid that with D15.
Basically, the days of talking things through are over for about 10 years. She isn't going to listen so I'm not going to offer. If she wants advice she'll ask.
D11 -- she was playing in the park near the house two months ago and these two boys, younger, chased her off an area they were claiming as their clubhouse with sticks.
She came back crying and we talked about how since she was outnumbered they were being bullies.
I didn't go running to their house to confront them because I thought it would work itself out.
So Saturday D11 has three friends with her and they were in the park and stuff was said and D11 and another friend charged them.
I asked her later why and she didn't know why she did it. She doesn't know how to talk herself out of situations.
Well, the boys' parents live on the park and saw two girls running at their sons and they came out. The dad was OK. The mom yelled at D11 and her friends.
So D11 comes home again crying and when I find out adults were yelling at her well it's time to have a conversation.
I went to the house and found the dad and it was contentious at first. But he didn't know about the first incident and then we started talking about how to fix it because it's a nice park and everyone should be able to use it -- and then the mom, her sister, her aunt and others started to get involved.
Eventually, we talked about D11 and I coming over in two weeks so everyone knows everyone. I do not like the woman and the boys sound like bullies, but I can work with the dad I think.
So we had D15 being a mouthy teen, trouble at the park, which is the coolest thing about this neighborhood, and the fact it is finally hot and my uncle isn't opening his pool this summer, which is another disappointment.
And I just felt defeated. Very, very, very defeated.
Tonight went better. I felt better after church. I took D11 and her friends to the Memorial Day community festival. That went well. They played in the sprinkler after the festival. I then took a nap. Dropped her friends off and took D11 to another friend's house where they were having a cookout.
D11 found friends there to play with. I threw a baseball around -- I haven't done that in ages. And then relaxed.
Tomorrow, we're doing the riverboat thing with the professor and D11 and I are going swimming at a lake.
So life rolls on, but it rolls on with a different feeling. I always assumed D15 would choose to live with me -- at least half the time when she turned 16. Now? I no longer think that will happen. I'm wondering now whether she'll choose to stop coming here. I never thought that would happen, but it's a real possibility now.
How to listen so kids will talk & talk so kids will listen. Go get it and read it immediately and if you already did, read it again. She is trying to move you toward a new more grownup relationship where you advise less and listen more. She made a good decision about cheating and deserved for that to be heard; feeling unheard is going to set her off. Writing her off for the next 10 years (no matter how you intended that) is not the way to go. She needs a new kind of love from you, that recognizes that she has good judgment and ideas of her own and will become a fine adult.
CTH,
I'm here to whack some sense into you. (No 2x4's...)
Positives:
Your D15 talked to you about something other than prefunctory crap she's expected you to talk about.
She made a good decision.
She's a great student and has goals and ambitions.
Negatives
You're seeing her dilemmas as personal and offering judgement instead of discussing.
You ARE criticizing her.
You don't know jack about girls. Especially pre-pubescent and teen girls.
***********
Okay, that being said, let's talk about this. You were a teenager once, and you had temptations then too. If you were anything like me, maybe your R with your dad was too distant to actually bring up things with him to talk. Do you really want that kind of R with your girls? Do you want them to see you as the enemy and someone that they can't trust with their feelings?
Girls emote. We talk things out. And I might venture a guess that you are a fixer. When your XW had conversations with you that were tough, did you wear the cloak of judgement instead of delving a little more deeply to see what was at the bottom?
Go get that book Advina told you to get. And practice on coworkers. Learn how to look past face value in discussions. Learn how to ask questions instead of make blanket statements.
Questions that could have been asked:
"Is your workload at school making you anxious?"
"Are you feeling pressure to perform well on your tests? If so, why?"
"What do you think would have happened if you had cheated?"
"What are the consequences of cheating?"
"What does the school do when they catch kids cheating?"
"If you had been caught, how would that affect your future plans?"
Learn how to open dialogues rather than close them. Nothing makes a person shut down faster than someone who just draws conclusions without finding more. You said you had experience with your own car rides and how YOU wanted the outcome to be different, so to get that, you're going to have to act differently than your parents did.
If you can change your dynamic with your D15 (and prevent your R with D11 by engaging in these exercises), just maybe she'll want to keep spending time with you. Nobody wants to hang around a judge, so keep that in mind.
And lastly, teenage girls are difficult. It's an awful time in life for us. Our hormones are wacky and we're learning how to separate from authority figures and venture out on our own. And BTW, one of the unfair consequences is that we see all boys/men as the same. Dads get thrown into that pool. So it's normal for her to be antagonistic with you at this point in her life. But I'd guess her R with her mom is even more irratic.
My now D20 and I went through 3 horrible years. And yes, we both remember them as horrible. And we had better communication skills than you do. Her dad was her safe place while we went through it, and even when he was wearing his judging hat. I finally had to convince him that it was in everyone's best interest if he could just be her friend rather than the parent - and I told him since our R was already a mess, to let me be the bad guy so that she would continue to talk to at least one of us. We made it through and things are great now.
But I have to tell you, I still engage in the listening. And now that we're here and she's almost a legal adult, she does the asking questions. They're tough and thought provoking and often require total honesty of me. I feel like I'm on the hot seat sometimes. But in the end, I just allow her to be her. I see a lot of similarities between her and your D15.
Just encourage her to continue to make good choices. Let her know that you're always willing to listen. And when you do that, STFU. Use your ears instead of your mouth and then recap what she's said back so you understand what she's said. And then be Columbo and just ask questions. You'll guide her more doing that than telling and judging.
And learn how to do this in your other Rs. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much you really don't know and assume.
Just speaking to you as another girl...
Betsey
Yes, you were criticizing her. She was sharing a decision she made that she was proud of and you found the the loose strand to pull in the fabric. Live and learn.
From what you have written in the past, you have always been critical of their choices. You seem to possibly want that to change. Please read what Betsey has written. She has hit on many good points.
I would certainly ask that you remember that she does have both parents that she can go to. You can only control how your relationship goes. If you want things to be better with her,you are going to need to do things differently.
Three weeks into summer and things are going well. Had the girls 14 of the past 19 days. I love summer.
D15's job is going well. She's more than halfway to her savings goal for next summer's trip to Europe. As far as I can tell she likes the job and they like her and since it's seasonal and doesn't interfere with theater it could be the job that carries her through high school.
She ended up with a 3.7 in her second semester and a 3.8 for her freshman year. Next year she'll have four honors classes. So all those things are going well.
She had her choir camp last week at a Wisconsin college and she graded it an 8. She got into a dispute at the camp with the only other girls there from her high school. These two used to be friends but this girl apparently is jealous that D15 got lead parts in the plays this year. It caught D15 off guard and she didn't know how to keep the thing from escalating.
For the next four weeks her theater schedule heats up so she'll basically either be rehearsing or working. Not a lot of down time for D15.
With that schedule, I've actually had a lot more alone time with D11. We went to the City Museum in St. Louis and to Lit Fest in Chicago. She's had three different friends over. I don't have my uncle's house for swimming -- he's too old and decided not to open it -- so we've had to go to the beach and the water park. D11 liked having her "own" pool, so it's been an adjustment.
Last night D11 admitted she didn't want to go back to XW's house. She had a bad meltdown last week that at least in part was from XW just being too stressed.
It's exactly what I thought would happen. XW has a one-month old who sleeps a lot so D11 has to be quiet. She can't run around or be loud. If she wakes the baby she gets yelled at. That's very, very tough for D11. She's a bundle of energy on her worst days. Here, it's just the three of us.
D11 also doesn't like the fact that biker guy lives there all the time now and they have to interact a lot more with this other family.
She asked for my advice and I said there isn't much to give other than eventually the baby will get bigger and not sleep as much and she'll "get used to" having the other guy around. My mom married three times. I never liked it, but what could I do about it.
I won't see them again until July 5. Then things speed up. July 5 through July 9 we'll be at a cottage on Lake Michigan with the professor and her daughter. I'm a little nervous about the trip. No internet so they'll have to be off their devices. Plus, D11 and the professor's daughter aren't friendly. They are very different. But it's a big house and we'll have two cars so they can go their separate ways and there's lots of things to do in three days.
Two weeks after that D15 has her play then we use my timeshare for a couple of days in Wisconsin.
Then two weeks after that I have a birthday party for D11 at the water park and we then fly to Washington D.C. I've never been to D.C. I'm probably more excited than they are.
Then two weeks after that -- school.
Still with the professor. With the crazy schedules we find ways to see each other. Dinner tonight downtown while her daughter was with her father. I still don't see happily ever after, but I'm not looking for anyone else. Taking it a day at a time.
Money issues OK. Got a lot of work done on the book for the developer and that with the umpiring money should carry me through the summer. Things will get tight in August and September, but I'll be OK come October. It's still a crazy but now predictable schedule.
Really not much to complain about.
Happy 4th of July
Not my year to have girls on the 4th. They'll be here first thing in the morning -- after 10 days at the other house -- and we leave to spend five days with the professor and her daughter.
It'll be an interesting trip. It doesn't look like it'll be too hot so we'll have to find things to do other than swim.
As always when it's the five of us the key will be whether her daughter will interact with my D11. If she doesn't I think D11 and I will just go off and do our own thing.
I think it'll be fine -- a little bumpy at first -- but fine overall.
Low key fourth for me. Got up in the morning and ran a 2-mile race run every Fourth. Ran it in 17:35. That's not awful.
Mowed the yard. Worked on developer's book. Then went to lunch with the professor and her daughter. They are coming to get me in about 40 minutes for dinner and fireworks.
I'm starting to pack. There's five weeks of summer left and we're on vacation for three of them.
I might even have a final answer on my second-job gap from mid-July to December. I may get hooked up with another guy who runs youth baseball tournaments in August and September. If I can make money umpiring into September then I'm basically set for the year.
Coming back to the board for a while. Lots of changes in last six months. Lost my journalism job after nearly 17 years in August after getting back from vacation.
It was a long time coming. Lack of raises since 2008 and no place to be promoted to just sapped my motivation. I was burned out and sticking around because of the four weeks of vacation.
Got hired by a financial firm in November, passed my Series 7 and Series 66 and then went out knocking on doors to find clients. That lasted five weeks. The amount of Saturdays and holidays it was going to take to make a go of it would have severely cut back on the 40 percent of the time I have with my daughters. When I talked with the company about the work/life balance they essentially said "tough" and well, that was that.
So I've been looking for work for three weeks. There are some things in the fire.
And today the professor broke up with me after 2 1/2 years. It was a long time coming as well, but still I'm sad. There were a lot of things about her that were perfect for me ... still, I never ever felt the way I did for XW way back in the day.
When the relationship was easy, it was good, it was fun. Then over time it got complex. Finally, she said she wanted more from me and I wasn't going to give it.
So it's a tough time for me. I'm sad, a little relieved but also nervous about trudging back into the dating world.
D16 is staying the night at a friend's house. D12 has a friend over. I'm not going to tell them about the professor for a while. They liked her. The professor's 12-year-old daughter didn't like mine and that was a huge source of attention. But my daughters liked the professor.
So changes that needed to happen were changed for you. Never easy but look at as a time for new opportunities. I think your job as a financial advisor must have been for the company I work for. You have to put the time in at the beginning and then it all balances out, it isn't for everyone. Since you have your licenses, you could always try another place that may have a different approach that might suit you better. You could also get in with a vendor that sells mutual funds or insurance if that is something that interests you.
Next dating opportunity, please don't compare her to your ex. That is all based on a bit of a fantasy anyway since she wasn't really everything you thought she was to begin with. Secondly, if you call her the professor on here, I doubt that you were thinking of her in a sexy way in real life. Try not to lable and see where that gets you.
Good luck, kat
Don't date for awhile...take some time off.
Five positive things today.
1) Saw both daughters after school. 2) Got monthly check from my sister for doing the books for her business. 3) Got my 10,000 Fitbit steps in for the day. 4) Applied for a banking job. 5) Paid down Capital One bill.
A couple of years ago I took a class on grant writing and it would be perfect for me. It is hard though to break into unless you find an organization to bring you on and train you.
Two weeks ago, I interviewed at an economic development group looking to expand. There, I would get grant writing training. The interview went well, but now the organization needs to get board approval to bring me on.
So I'm in a waiting game. I can always apply at another brokerage, but honestly money is not my God. I'm more interested in flexibility for my family. The economic development group said I'd know for sure in four to eight weeks.
I will second what Kat & WII said. Calling her "Professor" was offensive to the rest of us. And don't date for a while.
Good luck on the job front. I think you are highly motivated & that will get you places.
Barb
Can't really date since I don't have a job. I'd be the cliche, jobless loser looking for sugar mama.
I never saw calling her the professor as derogatory. How many guys have things for hot teachers?
Five positive things for today.
1) Saw both my daughters after school today. Always No. 1.
2) Found out I will get second interview with board members of the organization I'm dying to get hired by. I know most of the board members. This is a really good thing.
3) Had testy exchange with D12 in car over an art assignment. After a few exchanges, I backed off and moved on to other things. By end of car ride, she'd circled back to it and agreed she should handle things differently.
4) Met with a community center to help them with two more United Way grants. The center paid me $300 for the first one and it took just five hours of work. So this is a good start.
5) Had good, long talk with friend who moved 90 minutes away. May visit him this weekend if nothing materializes here for the weekend.
Things sound really good. Keep those positives going!
Not having a job could be good...keeps you out of trouble with the ladies lol. Good luck in your job search!
Five positive things yesterday.
1) Saw both daughters after school.
2) Got my unemployment deposit and small tax return.
3) Finished a long-term stat project. Now need to do something with it.
4) Mailed in paperwork to get the small amount of 401(k) money from 3-month employer.
5) Set up going out to watch NCAA hoops Friday night with a friend.
All good again!
Five positive things today.
1) It's my night with the girls. Love Thursdays.
2) Got D16 to go for a walk. She didn't really want to. We went and about halfway through she started talking. I got my 10,000 steps in.
3) D12 read my the first two chapters of her book. I worried for years whether she'd find her "thing" like D16 has with theater. Writing appears to be her thing.
4) Kentucky and Cincinnati won in NCAA and will play each other Saturday. That will be fun to watch.
5) Started converting my sister's books for her business to an online version of QuickBooks, which will make the process much easier in the future.
Five positive things yesterday.
1) Saw both daughters.
2) Had lunch at D12's school, although D12 had a rough day and got mad at me when I backed up her teachers. Par for the D12 course.
3) Finished the grant proposals.
4) Went out for drinks and to watch hoops with a friend.
5) Set up a movie night tonight with D16. Bonus time for me.
Five positive things Saturday.
1) Took D16 and a friend to see Insurgent. Better than I expected. They are staying the night. Will see D16 a lot next few weeks.
2) Got my 10,000 steps in.
3) Watched NCAA hoops at a friend's house for a couple of hours.
4) Kentucky won and is 36-0.
5) Got three hours of yard work in.
Five positive things from today.
1) Took D16 to breakfast and church. Couple of things in regards to one of her friends to be concerned about.
2) Filled out an online application to another financial firm. I'm running out of unemployment weeks. I may have to fall back on the Series 7.
3) Finished a quick project for my sister.
4) Got going on converting her books to Quickbooks online. Got stymied in one part and will have to call Intuit tomorrow.
5) Rested because it snowed. That's a positive, right?
Spent most of the day online taking a safe driving course to keep a ticket off my record. So hard to come up with five positives. Here's what I came up with.
1) Saw D16 after school. Took her dinner for her break at rehearsals.
2) Found out D16 doesn't start drivers ed until next week, meaning I can umpire this weekend -- if the snow melts in time.
3) Passed safe driving course.
4) Found out season 7 of Mad Men is on Netflix.
5) Heard from old Divorce Busting friend on Facebook.
Lots of positives yesterday, but I will keep it to five.
1) because of a school project, saw D16 before and after school. This may sound self serving, but the more I see her the less stressed she seems.
2) applied for two jobs yesterday.
3) emailed and got a response back from executive director of place I really want to work. It was positive yet noncommittal Sandinista admit I am starting to stress.
4) finished converting my sister's bookkeeping to QuickBooks online. This is going to make that process much easier.
5) went to lunch with old co-workers including uninvolved indecision to let me go. They looked concerned. I tried to not act concerned.
Five positive things from today.
1) It's Thursday. Both girls over. Love Thursdays.
2) D16 finished a funny video about mononucleosis for science. It's good. She'll get an A.
3) D12 read my Chapter 3 of her book. She is developing and this seems to be her thing. Also, we talked over last Friday's issue at school and we're good now.
4) Had a really down today, but talked through some job stuff with a friend. Really, I have until July 1 before I have to just take whatever I can get. I can be patient.
5) Went to a job fair yesterday and the one company I saw emailed me and asked me to formally apply. I looked up some stuff about them on Glassdoor and am not too excited. Still, it's nice to know this could be a fallback.
Been a few days. Positives.
1) Had the girls over the weekend. Everything was going swimmingly until a scheduling issue at D16's job sent her into a tailspin of anxiety. I couldn't figure out what was so bad and it spun out of control. It was bad and we both lost our temper - but I didn't march off. I stayed in there and kept at it until I figured out why she was so upset. It was one small thing that spun into other things and then kept mushrooming. It turned into a three-hour talk and at the end we had a good understanding of what was bothering each of us.
2) So that led us to going to get her schedule set at her job for the next couple of months. She was worried they would fire her. Instead, they were happy she came in and put all of her conflicts on the schedule so there wouldn't be any more issues. I felt really at peace by Sunday night.
3) Worked with D12 on an astrology project. She was in a good mood. We also did some shopping to get her out of the house. Really, really, really had a lot of fun with her this weekend.
4) I put in some more resumes online and today I got a call from a financial firm that I might be interested working for. They want me to come in Wednesday for an interview.
5) Got my 10,000 steps in ....
Thanks Mishka.
Back from New York City trip. Quick breakdown:
Friday - FAO Schwarz - awesome.
Saturday - Beatles show in morning, Times Square, Broadway - awesome.
Sunday - Carlo's Bakery, Hall of Science, dinner at local restaurant - eh, OK. Hall of Science was a dud.
Monday - morning kids sniping at each other. Tired of small hotel room. American Museum of Natural History. I lose my patience as kids keep bickering. Tears flow. Finally we make it in and it's boring for older kids. Short trip to Ground Zero. End day though with helicopter ride and boat ride. That was awesome and it salvaged the day, but I'm still struggling with D16's moods.
So back from New York. Interview today with nonprofit, Christian-based financial firm. I had low expectations going in, but I really liked what I heard. This could be a possibility. Another meeting tomorrow.
Weird thing. Found out on Facebook that XW and Biker Guy -- and the girls and their baby sister -- are moving. Apparently, it's only a couple of blocks from D12's best friends.
Hashing out a few issues in my mind.
Happy parts -- this means biker guy will be out of the house my parents owned when I was a kid and that XW and I lived in for 13 years. I HATED seeing another man in my house.
The new house is in the same school district the girls are in now. My big worry a couple of years ago was that XW was going to try to move my girls to biker guy's home town, which is 45 minutes away. It would have made it very difficult for me to see them as much as I do. The one discussion/fight we had over it I told XW I'd spend "every last dime" in court fighting for custody if she tried to move them there. So this is a good thing.
Sad parts -- the girls will be leaving what they've always considered home. This was THEIR house. Now they'll be moving to HIS house.
Happy part -- I've lived in the house I'm in now for two years now and I spent a summer here in '09. This will be more home to them than the new place.
Sad part -- hard to define. It will be weird not having them there.
Happy part -- I will make an admission here that has played a part in a lot of things the last couple of weeks. When D16 and I were having that major blowup two weekends ago, at the end, after we'd gotten through the major stuff, she said XW admitted she "isn't happy." D16 says she talks to XW all the time about it.
And that just released a lot of weight from my shoulders. That may be the wrong feeling to have, but it is the feeling I have. And ever since I've felt lighter. I worked hard in that marriage. I made lots of mistakes, but dedication to the family and to XW was never one of them.
Anyway, lots of doings in the past week. Five POSITIVE things from today.
1) Saw both girls. It's spring break. I drove one to and from work and saw the other briefly when getting D16.
2) Great interview.
3) Finally over a cold, which I battled all during New York City trip.
4) Setting up a day trip into Chicago next week to see my Reds play the Cubs.
5) Good email from government group saying I'll have "clarity" by end of April on possible job opening.