Hello everyone, my D was final on the 20th of Aug 2013 and I thought it was time to move to this portion of the site. It is still very raw and sometimes I am scared, lonely and heartbroken. Those days are getting fewer and fewer however they still exist. I am starting to find my stride again at work and on the home front.
I refinanced the house we lived in so my D14 would have some stability for as long as I could stand living here. The time I think is quickly drawing to an end for me in this house. I am planning on giving it at least until this spring to make a decision about leaving or staying. I am going to have to come up with pros/cons of each. However I think my attachment to this house will win the day.
Curious what some of your sure fire methods were to deal with the absence of a significant other. I know GAL curious what some of you did, who knows I may enjoy it.
Welcome to the Surviving Forum! In answer to your question about what I did to deal with the absence of a significant other is I launched myself into an intensive workout program and also focused on training for local races. Working out kept me around positive people without really have to engage conversation with them. I also kept social by hosting dinner parties at my house with my friends. I did those things that I liked to do that were not always popular with my ex-wife and when I wanted to do them. Finally I made the most of the time I had when my girls were in my custody which was about 60% of the time. Eventually when I got to the point of being comfortable to start dating, I did that - which is where I am now.
As I am sure you are aware already, overtime it gets better - today you couldn't pay me to go back to the relationship I had with my ex.
BA
Golfing, fishing, going to library and reading all the free self help books (not a bad place to meet a woman either, not bar flies), the gym, running, riding bike, join meetup.com and check out some interests u might like. Restart an old hobby that you might have given up, check out the community college and join a class.
As far as the house, change it, paint some rooms, rearrange the furniture, make it YOUR home now. Its also a good activity to include your D14 with.
Have some fun.
I took up playing the drums at age 53.
Now I play drums in an amateur pop-punk cover band. I also play glockenspiel, vibraphone and a little percussion for my best friend who is a professional singer songwriter and have gone on short tours with her 3 times.
Ellie
Just stopping in to see your new digs. Not bad, I like what you've done with the place.
Subguy, you are awesome, you just don't know it yet!
Hey SG, just reading your other thread but was unable to reply because it's locked now, so here's the message from there:
I was going to comment on your thread about her hiring a lawyer, I am sorry it had to go this far for you.
Thanks! So far her indication is she only did it because of the complication of the paperwork, she's not trying to get into a brawl (hopefully).
You'll probably have a few more bad days like when you sign and when it's final.
You're probably right, but I knew it was coming so it's more like a micro BD, doesn't hit me nearly as hard as BD did.
I'm sure you know this. I'm praying God will work in her life and restore a healthy marriage.
I hear stories all the time about people reconciling after a year or more of divorce. I just hope that if my W ever comes out of the fog that I'm still open to R'ing.
Maybe we can meet up and ride in the near future, i don't think your to far away from me.
That would be great! Are you in the DFW area?
Hey SG, I'll keep trying to follow you. At some point, I feel like I will be over here.
You sound so positive. I'm sure the days are getting easier?
Did you get any rides in over the weekend? Good riding weather is coming up soon. That is one thing I wish H would share with me. I've been on the bike 1x for about 30 minutes before he ran back into his hole for good. And he finally has one that my long legged self can fit on! I looked like a grasshopper on the Sportster.
I launched myself into an intensive workout program and also focused on training for local races. Working out kept me around positive people without really have to engage conversation with them.
BA
Interesting now my curiosity is peaked what was your training for tri's or a marathon?
As I am sure you are aware already, overtime it gets better - today you couldn't pay me to go back to the relationship I had with my ex.
I took up playing the drums at age 53.
Now I play drums in an amateur pop-punk cover band. I also play glockenspiel, vibraphone and a little percussion for my best friend who is a professional singer songwriter and have gone on short tours with her 3 times.
Ellie
That is to cool!!! I'm thinking about taking guitar lessons and/or ball room dance lessons. The dance lessons can be a bit pricey, maybe I can find someone willing to split the cost with me.
Just stopping in to see your new digs. Not bad, I like what you've done with the place.
LOL your funny...
Subguy, you are awesome, you just don't know it yet!
Thank you bug, from you that means a lot to me...
That would be great! Are you in the DFW area?
I am in Tennessee. We could meet somewhere in the middle.
Hey SG, I'll keep trying to follow you. At some point, I feel like I will be over here.
I hope not, but keep working on you so that if you do wind up here you'll be awesomely okay.
You sound so positive. I'm sure the days are getting easier?
With it final I feel like the pressure is off I can just be me not someone who is worried about every little thing said. Yes it is getting better.
Did you get any rides in over the weekend? Good riding weather is coming up soon. That is one thing I wish H would share with me. I've been on the bike 1x for about 30 minutes before he ran back into his hole for good. And he finally has one that my long legged self can fit on! I looked like a grasshopper on the Sportster.
No riding this weekend, I had my daughter, we did go to a cake decorating class.
I'm a little on the short side so a sportster works for me
I
love tall women so don't be afraid to be tall... wear it proud, put on high heels and work it.
Welcome SG.
To respond I spent the first six months or so just being. I did not begin many new things. I maintained what I had been doing for GAL and attempted to socialize a little more. For the most part I attempted to maintain the status quo and determine what to do next.
After about 7 months I began trying to expand a little. Life intruded into that effort. It was at about this time the SILs began distancing themselves and familial responsibilities ramped up. Life has a way of adjusting our best laid plans. Life and our interactions as part of life are dynamic. None the less I was able to cross a couple of things off my bucket and personal improvement lists.
Establish your destination, set your course and adjust for variations in wind, current and tide.
Welcome SG.
To respond I spent the first six months or so just being. I did not begin many new things. I maintained what I had been doing for GAL and attempted to socialize a little more. For the most part I attempted to maintain the status quo and determine what to do next.
After about 7 months I began trying to expand a little. Life intruded into that effort. It was at about this time the SILs began distancing themselves and familial responsibilities ramped up. Life has a way of adjusting our best laid plans. Life and our interactions as part of life are dynamic. None the less I was able to cross a couple of things off my bucket and personal improvement lists.
Establish your destination, set your course and adjust for variations in wind, current and tide.
This is pretty close to what I'm doing. I am trying to maintain for a period until my emotions run their course. I don't want to wake up in a year and say
"oh crap I bought what?" or
"I did that?" At the end of the day I want to be able to hold my head up not hang it down. That means staying true to my core values. I may have drifted before BD some but now... I'm trying to right that ship (just a bit of a turning radius).
Thanks JS for the advice
SG and JS,
Hearing that you spent the first six months just being, is some comfort to me. I am trying to maintain the status quo also and I thought maybe I was doing the wrong thing. You are positive in mind and that gives me hope.
Brobafet, hang in there bud do what you need to do not what everyone else tells you to do. If you feel like not dating and just maintaining then so be it.
The first contact I have had with my X in many months and nope... I am not detached and I thought I was moving toward forgiveness. Uugghh, I really do not like being angry but unfortunately that is where I am...
The long and short of it is she wants our D on my week (my D's fall break from school) because she wants to go see her brother in Key West. A couple of things stand out. 1. She never wanted to go to Key West to see her brother because she thinks (or at least thought) he is a jerk and swore she would never go to Key West. 2. I gave her a large sum of money in the divorce settlement and I see her blowing it. 3. I have not made plans but that is my week to have her and I am being selfish jerk because I want her. She set up this D and wanted this and my time is my time, I know selfish jerk right...
I am not sure what I am trying to say here. I guess I am still hurt that she actually filed and followed through with the divorce. I guess part of me wants to hurt her back by saying hell no, thats my week welcome to our divorced world... Part of me wants to be nice and let my daughter and her mother have their time. I am confused and hurting and I don't know why... I have not cried like this in months. I know I must sound horrible, but this is how I feel right now. I just don't understand why I feel this way.
I am trying to work my way through my emotions before I answer back. I know what the right thing to do is yet I am finding it hard to do it.
SG, I will be blunt. So she wants to go to Key West. That is her business. She is divorced. She was done when she made her decision.
This is your week with your daughter. It is your choice how to spend it. Making a gift of it will not magically repair the relationship. Set a boundary here.
My X burned through her disposable income also. Some people choose to.
Make your choices about you and your daughter. Your X is keeping herself first.
As you assert more control over you and your life, making choices you wish to make, instead of responding to your X’s or requirements of the court you’ll find a bit more peace and heal a bit more. Chart your course in a positive manner, for you and your happiness. Keep your actions honorable so you can look in the mirror without shame.
Hey sg, you are moving towards both detachment and forgiveness. It's not a straight line. Your black and white are showing.
It's OK to be angry, and you realize it now before you speak. Good progress.
The money is now hers, let it go. Forget about what she said about her brother, not your problem. Families are weird, you know that.
About your D, that's a tough one. What are you thinking when you look at it objectively?
Blunt is okay with me.
This is your week with your daughter. It is your choice how to spend it. Making a gift of it will not magically repair the relationship. Set a boundary here.
Hhmm I think you are very perceptive, part of my vacillation on this subject is what if's. If I say no will she hate me if I say yes I feel like I'm being used. However we are divorced and in the future I may want to take D somewhere on her time so... time to detach and look at what's good for me and my D.
As you assert more control over you and your life, making choices you wish to make, instead of responding to your X’s or requirements of the court you’ll find a bit more peace and heal a bit more. Chart your course in a positive manner, for you and your happiness. Keep your actions honorable so you can look in the mirror without shame.
That's why I came here to vent and look for someone to be a little blunt or honest about my actions or thoughts. I have not responded to her request yet as I want to be in a place where emotion does not rule the day.
Hey sg, you are moving towards both detachment and forgiveness. It's not a straight line. Your black and white are showing.
This does not feel like progress lol. Man I should have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night... I'd have all the answers haha. Two steps forward and one back. I thought I was further down the road than this. the good thing is I feel myself getting back to an even keel much quicker than before.
It's OK to be angry, and you realize it now before you speak. Good progress
I am trying to be different I guess if I can not be a jerk to my X than I can handle just about most other people lol.
About your D, that's a tough one. What are you thinking when you look at it objectively?
Okay labug, expect me to be an adult why don't you
I think my D would love to go to Key West. The fact me and my X can't seem to be able to make a marriage work is not a reason for me to with hold an opportunity for her to have an adventure. At some point in the future I may want to take my D somewhere on her time and I would want to be able to do that.
I am going to sit on this a day or two and decide if I want to do something on fall break or not. I am really saving my money for a trip to NYC around Christmas for a shopping trip with her and my son. The answer most likely will be yes.
Thanks JS and bug...
I think you're doing fine. But negotiate the deal before the Key West trip. The NYC trip sounds so fun!
I would let your daughter go...she will have a great adventure
you are doing this for your daughter...not your ex-wife
hi subguy!
love that you are able to consider what is best for your D. way to go.
JS gave you some good food for thought on this issue. An bug is right, negotiate the deal now. I would hate to see you let D go and assume she will reciprocate on one of her weeks. That may be the way to not feel used.
You are acknowledging your feelings and that you know you have some more work to do on you. That's ok and to be expected. I was a basket case a little bit last Friday.
thanks for the input... I am going to let her go with my X.
New York at Xmas, I'm thinking Macy's, a Broadway show and maybe ice skating... I might let my D pick something to do as well, lol.
Thanks NG, I really adore my D14. In the worst days of this ordeal, she told me to keep praying that God is always there when we need him the most. She is strong for a 14 year old. I hope this does not damage her to much.
Hopeful, I am finally starting to figure out that I need to be proactive and not reactive in my life. I need to be a willing participant, active and engaged. I had been on autopilot for some time.
Would you adopt me for that week?
And def let D pick out something she wants to do, in fact sit down at the computer and let her go crazy, within reason. You might find out some things about your D you didn't know before.
Would you adopt me for that week?
A week in the Big Apple with bug, now that would be cool...
And def let D pick out something she wants to do, in fact sit down at the computer and let her go crazy, within reason. You might find out some things about your D you didn't know before.
I guess the sarcasm did not relate in my post. Those are all the things my D wants to do and as it so happens I am extremely cool with. She wants to dance on the giant piano thingy at Macy's. I think she wants to see Spiderman (I just want to see a show) on broadway. The ice skating well i'll prolly wind up in the ER, but hey I'll try it.
Still not much happening here, I did a decent size landscape project yesterday. Usually there is two of us doing it but it was all on me. Took longer than I expected however it is done and looks nice.
Responding to a previous post:
My ex's sister lived in another state and I was worried that after the D, she would move closer to her sister and I would lose the ability to see them. I had a radius clause placed into the agreement that, although might be tough in court, ensured to keep the kids close to me. So far, 3 years later, they are 12 minutes away.
You may not believe this broba, but, my X called the police on me 3 times for bs trying to either get me thrown out of our house or to force me to bring the kids back from a playdate. All failed. However, today, my XW and I can sit at a table together or, let her put my name down as a reference for a job application (you don't want your ex to fail as much as many in the death throes of divorce feel when they are here).
Time....is what you need...although I know it goes very slowly now. Build a new life, as painful as it can be sometimes. It WILL get better. Get the D done.
Finally, I may be wrong, but there are times when I think my ex thinks she made a mistake, but don't waste time hoping for that. Don't wait for the ship to come in. Row out to meet it. FIB
Oh, I'm a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.
Oh, I'm a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.
Not really bug, I have a tendency to throw ideas out there and say something to the effect "wouldn't you love to do that". I need to be mindful of what she truly wants to do. I def. know Macy's and pretty sure on the broadway show. I do appreciate the U- turn back to the reality that is me. I will try to let her dream and plan without my "guidance".
You may not believe this broba, but, my X called the police on me 3 times for bs trying to either get me thrown out of our house or to force me to bring the kids back from a playdate. All failed.
Wow!! that must have been difficult to live through. I am happy to hear that you have forgiven, how monumental was that to accomplish?
Time....is what you need...although I know it goes very slowly now. Build a new life, as painful as it can be sometimes. It WILL get better. Get the D done.
Thank you for the encouragement. The D was final on the 20th of last month. I do not know what lies in our future however I feel like God is not done with us yet. I am going to move forward with my life and let whatever happens unfold. I will be okay no matter what.
Finally, I may be wrong, but there are times when I think my ex thinks she made a mistake, but don't waste time hoping for that. Don't wait for the ship to come in. Row out to meet it.
Well my ego would love to hear that, me heart would love to hear that she is okay and not going to self destruct with bad or risky behavior. I want the eventual outcome for her to be good, with or without me. Like you said I need time and space for me to heal.
is the piano at Macy's or FAO Schwartz?
When we went, we loved central park most of all
Uh oh.. I'm not sure. I think it's the piano in the movie Big with Tom Hanks. Well pretty sure any way. I guess I need to verify what she wants. Thanks fig., that could have been a cluster foxtrot.
I just want to say I walked in Central Park, yep a little bit country here so...
I do not know what lies in our future however I feel like God is not done with us yet. I am going to move forward with my life and let whatever happens unfold. I will be okay no matter what.
I love this quote.
Good on you Sub. Being ok no matter what is what brings true peace and happiness in our lives.
You may not believe this broba, but, my X called the police on me 3 times for bs trying to either get me thrown out of our house or to force me to bring the kids back from a playdate. All failed. However, today, my XW and I can sit at a table together or, let her put my name down as a reference for a job application (you don't want your ex to fail as much as many in the death throes of divorce feel when they are here).
Time....is what you need...although I know it goes very slowly now. Build a new life, as painful as it can be sometimes. It WILL get better. Get the D done.
Finally, I may be wrong, but there are times when I think my ex thinks she made a mistake, but don't waste time hoping for that. Don't wait for the ship to come in. Row out to meet it. FIB
I don't want her to fail, well most days I don't lol. I'm healing though. She is doing things that I don't agree with, and honestly if she was a decent person she wouldn't be doing. If she was a decent person we wouldn't be getting a divorce..... FIB and Subguy you both have a way of putting things that is making my ability to let go a bit easier. I know that I tend to pull it back but reading your posts is honestly helping me.
Thanks
-Brobafet
I don't want her to fail, well most days I don't lol. I'm healing though. She is doing things that I don't agree with, and honestly if she was a decent person she wouldn't be doing. If she was a decent person we wouldn't be getting a divorce.
Well, the decent person thing... you know I have to respond lol. That is subject to perception. Her perception is different than your perception, does this make her bad or not a decent person?
I heard a quote a couple of months ago and it kinda stopped me in my tracks: "Don't judge my sin just because it's different than your sin".
Allow her to be without judgement from you. That is easy to say and tough to do. At times I have to remind myself of the quote and renew my thought patterns.
Another quote this one by Ghandi:
“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
It is tough. Ill give you that. Perception isnt the question, when she continues to cheat, gets caught lies about it. We start the D and gets into another relationship a few weeks afyer bdrop. Says she is innlove with him. Lets our children see them kiss eachother. I think a little judgement isn't out of hand. I get what you are saying I truly do and I'm striving for the day when her and her actions are no longer on my mind. I want to let go and I'm on that path.
What I'm getting at is her perspective is different than yours right now. That may change in the future, who knows. Their is a difference between judging someone and recognizing behavior that is unacceptable to you. One comes from a place of arrogance the other from a place of knowing yourself and being true to your values. Basically do you want to shame her and cast stones?
I am in no way condoning cheating. I think you and I can recognize our spouses behaviors that we do not like and we can either accept them or separate ourselves from that behavior.
This is something I am having to learn. How do I express myself in a non judgmental way. Who do I want to be when the crap hits the fan?
I do not like a lot of actions my X has chosen to do. If I judge her than is it okay for someone else to judge what I do, because I do not act "right" all the time.
Bro this line of questioning has more to do with me than you, because these are things I still struggle with.
Perspective is a excuse. It means that I can lie to you or anyone because in my perspective it is the truth. I cannot be judged by anyone because from my point of view I haven't done anything wrong? The devil made me do it? No, that isn't acceptable.
I have about a billion things running through my head and they don't seem to be coming out right when I type them. I get that judgement doesn't fall to me. That [censored], because someone that can do this to me not once, or twice, but four times. Is someone that isn't right no matter the perspective. Judgement aside I can say that she is wrong. I'm not condemning her to hell, I'm not sentencing her. I'm saying it is wrong. By any standard, values, moral code.
I have been able to go to 4 Predator's games, I'm finally starting to get into hockey. I even have a jersey now
All's been relatively calm in my life the last few months. I have been busy with work, church and celebrate recovery...
I finally have the Harley and now my eyes are on a new vehicle. My truck has over 200k miles and it's about time to get something with less miles. I'm thinking a hot rod like a mustang GT...something over 400 hp and has an attitude. I'm going to sit on this decision until the first of the year. I may rent one for a week end just to drive it around.
Still not dating, sometimes I really want to date however I'm still needing to get over the D, so I think I'll wait a bit longer before jumping into the deep end.
My running is improving, I think I'm just about over the shin splints (painful buggers), that has been bothering me for some time now. I'm running 3.5 miles in about 32 min. My goal is to run a 10k in under an hour before the first of the year.
Work is going well, I have been asked to join an organization consisting of CEO's, exec's and supervisors. This group meets regularly and discuss a range of topics, kinda like a peer support group. This should be interesting and sounds like a great way to meet more people.
These all sound like good things sg! Pressing the "Like" Button
It's hard to know when you're ready to date. In my experience, you never feel ready! Like anything, sometimes you have to just push beyond your comfort zone. But, only you can really know when that's important enough for you to do. You sound like your life is full and that's wonderful. Enjoy
Glad to hear the update SG
Thanks Val and SIS, things have gotten better for me. Part of the problem for me was, the feeling of having no say in any of this. Whether we divorced or worked through our problems, how much money to pay my Ex, how much time I lose with my family etc... Once I figured out that I do have control and the control I have is over me. I choose to be the loving guy I always have been, not an angry pissed off guy that I was turning into. I choose to try to better myself, not blame my ex for everything. I figured out that I actually have a lot of choices.
Whatis, dating scares me just a bit. However when my emotions have reached a fairly stable point then I'll start thinking about it. I know it's just dating however, the whole process at this point seems overwhelming so, I'll wait a bit. Not very long though lol.
You sound great, SG! Dating is probably a developmental thing, you'll know when you're ready. It might still be uncomfortable at first but what do I know?
Let me rephrase my last statement. Dating does not scare me, what scares me is me needing to date and dating someone who is not good for me. Thats why I am taking my time. I lost my identity, a husband, family guy etc... I am rebuilding who I am. If someone drops in my lap well... it's on like Donkey Kong lol. I am not going to be actively looking for a little longer.
My son just purchased a 2008 Fat Bob Harley, man it's nice. We get to ride together now... that will be fun
I have my first meeting with that exec group coming up in a few weeks and I have to do a 10-15 min presentation on myself, oh boy...
In Divorce Care group we talked about that this week. All the losses, it's not just "husband" or "wife" role it's a whole slew of identities and dreams that are crushed. Sadly, it's still the road most traveled (by at least 50% of us) but at least we're not alone in travelling it!
Subguy,
Wii is right... at least we don't have to travel this road alone. We're right there with ya, friend.
Have fun with your biking adventures. I do miss those rides with my XH. Now my D16 is his biker babe. She loves it more than I did too (which was a lot).
Dating. Since this is the topic of the threads down here I've actively been posting on, just a few words on getting you back. You're going to have to do the lion's share of that work without a sidekick - because in the future, your identity should be entirely about you and your needs going forward. (I do not mean that in a self-absorbed manner, but moderately selfish in a good way.)
Don't look at your dates as serious potential - just a simple desire to connect with other human beings (who may just happen to be chicks) and take the pressure off yourself? Learn how to identify red flags and act on them if necessary. My guess is if you really learn how to use that filter, you won't have to wonder if she's good for you. And if those red flags appear early on, nip them in the bud.
A friend of mine (ok, who happens to be a medium, but whatever) told me that my filter was broken - that I give people I don't know too much benefit of the doubt. He told me to stop it. It's one thing to give people we know the benefit of the doubt, but not strangers. You have to protect yourself from the emotional vampires, so learn how to develop this sort of awareness.
I know, it's also my work in progress too.
Somehow, you seem like the sort of guy who will find his "sea legs" pretty quickly (sorry for the pun!). At least promise yourself that you won't get serious with someone until you DO know when you've done enough work to get involved again?
Good luck--
Betsey
Wii is right... at least we don't have to travel this road alone. We're right there with ya, friend.
Thank you... I appreciate that.
Well, where has the lady i use to know as my wife gone to?? My Daughter somehow got a case of head lice and it seems that my wife is not doing her part of picking the nits out when she has her for her week. I am not sure how to combat this as her hair is not getting cleaned out. I may take her to the doctors and see if there is anything they can help me with.
Before my x would have been all over this, now not so much. My d is frustrated with me because I am making her lay down so i can try to get the nits before they hatch out. UUGGHH!!
Head lice is the worst! My one experience with it when my youngest daughter had it was that I had to wash ALL of the bedding and we ALL had to shampoo with the headlice treatment RIDIT (I think that is what it was called). If you aren't diligent about it, the darn things never go away!
BA
RID, NiX are both good. And BA is right, diligence is key. Look into Tea Tree Oil also as it can be added to shampoo, rinse, body wash ect.
Sorry about your daughter SG. Do whatever you can and I'm sure it will turn out ok.
Lice are a pesky problem and yes diligence is key to getting rid of the little buggers. I realize she (my D) is young and does not want me to pick through her hair and will fight me on it but I will do what I must.
RID, NiX are both good. And BA is right, diligence is key. Look into Tea Tree Oil also as it can be added to shampoo, rinse, body wash ect.
Tea tree oil, huh... I'll look at getting some. Thanks
As far as my X not taking the time to clean her hair well, that is on her. I will talk with her about cleaning her linen's and picking through her hair. We have to work together to get rid of the lice. If she does not do her part, I'll worry about that when/if that happens.
I have my first meeting with the exec group coming up and I need to start on my presentation. I plan on having it done by the end of the weekend. I am looking forward to meeting regularly with people who are working at improving themselves and building a business.
It's almost the end of the riding season, unless I invest in some heated gear and that is expensive. I'll def. get some in the future. Everyone at works makes mention of me being a wild hog after the John Travolta movie, lol. I wonder if Marissa Torme is married...
It's almost the end of the riding season, unless I invest in some heated gear and that is expensive. I'll def. get some in the future. Everyone at works makes mention of me being a wild hog after the John Travolta movie, lol. I wonder if Marissa Torme is married...
Darn messed that up, Marisa Tomei. I should have googled her name first lol.
Maybe you have a thing for Mel Torme... but he'd dead.
Lice, yuck but just another part of parenting.
I like the sound of the executive group, it's wonderful to surround yourself with people who are on a positive path. It helps improve your game.
Thanks for visiting me at my new home.
LOL, Mel Torme made me laugh!
Subguy, I got lice in high school (it was way gross and I fainted when my mom told me). From what I remember - because I deliberately shove that memory in the bowels of my mind - it took that RID shampoo to get them off my body. No nit picking would do, as they lay those gross little eggs. And I remember my mom doing mounds of laundry for the next week.
And now that I see the true origin of the word nit picking, I think I'm going to take a Tums...
Good luck!
Betsey
Subguy, thanks for your post. I just went through some of your stuff and it really brought back some things for me. Most importantly the 5LL which I have and read years ago. Breaking it now and going to read it again. Reading all the responses from other DBrs was great too. I remember Underdog from 7 years ago to. Always great advice then and still going strong! Hope your day is going well.
LOL, Mel Torme made me laugh!
Subguy, I got lice in high school (it was way gross and I fainted when my mom told me). From what I remember - because I deliberately shove that memory in the bowels of my mind - it took that RID shampoo to get them off my body. No nit picking would do, as they lay those gross little eggs. And I remember my mom doing mounds of laundry for the next week.
And now that I see the true origin of the word nit picking, I think I'm going to take a Tums...
Good luck!
Betsey
LOL it is gross but... what can I do other than nit pick.
Subguy, thanks for your post. I just went through some of your stuff and it really brought back some things for me. Most importantly the 5LL which I have and read years ago. Breaking it now and going to read it again. Reading all the responses from other DBrs was great too. I remember Underdog from 7 years ago to. Always great advice then and still going strong! Hope your day is going well.
I just saw this response... I'm glad it helped. Hope you are well.
Okay so basketball season is in full swing and I have to see my X at the games alot and well... no stomach pains or anxiety (my Daughter plays). Really I could care less if she is there and I even cut up and have a good time with my friends while at the ball game. It feels good really good to not be anxious about her presence.
With that being said I think it's time for me to date or at least ask a girl out from church who I think has shown some interest in me. Mind you it's been over 22 years since I have asked someone out other than my X and it is a little scary. You know the old saying, no balls, no blue chips and well I finally feel comfortable asking someone out. I will be clear with her right now I just want a friend to hang with and enjoy time together. I still have some healing and don't want to be hurt or hurt someone at this point. I hope I am making sense.
We had a bit of an ice storm last night, nothing to bad... Ice storms are not fun. Glad I had my propane tank filled up the other day, we lost power for about 3 hours, could have been much worse. The only down side was I over slept going to church.
I am still having moments of anger towards my X. Usually when I feel lonely or stressed about something. I still need to get better at feeling through my emotions and not reacting to them and belly aching about my X. It is just so easy to blame her hahaha, however that is not who I want to be. Loneliness is still an issue at times, I am getting better at reaching out to friends, however most of my friends are married and it makes things awkward.
I also want to get better at communicating with others. I am curious what books/web sites do you all like to read about such things. I like Ted TV, it takes some searching for subjects but I trust that site way more than you tube.
I'm still planning/ training for my half this spring. I have stepped up my intensity of work outs and feel pretty good. I have fought shin splints for years and recently a friend told me he did also. He figured out that he had knots in his calf muscles and a message therapist showed him how to work out those knots. I have been trying to massage out my calfs as they are as limber as a 2X4 lol.
Anyway, I need to finish cleaning and then I'm gonna run to the mall and get more xmas shopping done. Have a great Sunday!
hi subguy, a few months ago i was feeling angry with my x.. i did 2 things.. i did a daily Buddhist forgiveness meditation for a few weeks …. and i worked on allowing myself to feel and release the underlying feelings, for me, the sadness that had come up. they both seemed to help and i passed through that phase. hope this helps. ((((((((((((subguy))))))))))))
hi subguy, a few months ago i was feeling angry with my x.. i did 2 things.. i did a daily Buddhist forgiveness meditation for a few weeks …. and i worked on allowing myself to feel and release the underlying feelings, for me, the sadness that had come up. they both seemed to help and i passed through that phase. hope this helps. ((((((((((((subguy))))))))))))
Thank you... Buddhist forgiveness meditation sounds interesting. I'll have to look that up.
The underlying feelings: sadness, rejection, not being good enough, and fear. Fear of what the future will look like. Ah but these feelings are slowly going away. Some days are just worse than others.
I am almost 6 years deep and I still have moments of anger towards my ex. Especially when I am under stress, I.e issues with our daughter, what ever it may be.
The anger is much better managed these day, doesn't take over my life, and is fleeting. But it still happens, but I own it and move on.
It is nice to know this is a normal part of the process and that I'm not weird or broken lol.
Good luck on the half. Out of all the crazy exercises I have do e, running will always be the hardest. Ever try those sock things for shin splints? My friend says they help.
Hhmm a compression sock?? I'll look into them, frigging shin splints suckkk. Thanks
hi SG, the meditation i use is by Jack Kornfield. He has some excellent ones included as CDs in a few of his books. and yes, i too think the feelings of anger and the underlying pain and hurt come and go for a long, long time.
i also have a mantra of sorts that i say: may i be happy. may i be healthy. may i be at peace. sometimes i say it for others, including my X and it makes me feel better to be able to send those thoughts out into the world. have a good week.
Ugh... some days I feel detached and ready to move on and start dating and some days i still feel hope we will eventually get back together. I am so sick of being wishy washy on dating and i do not know why. I guess that means i am not ready yet, I am so ready for this to be over.
Really Mike I mean really!!!!!
I have been on a couple of dates... nothing earth shattering. I am gonna wait a few weeks maybe after the first of the year and see how I feel about it. Who knows what could happen
Hi, subguy! Joining you all over here as of tonight.
As for dating--you just might meet someone when you aren't even trying to...then again, I had quick success on a dating site I went on...:)
Bottom line--you need to be ready-- don't rush yourself to date if you aren't feeling like you are ready...but be open to someone coming along- just in case!
Hiya turtle... I hope you are doing well. I am choosing to wait for now as I would not want someone to date me while having one foot still in another relationship and honestly i don't know if i'm done waiting. I feel me getting real close to walking away however I need to know i gave my best.
Thanks
I am reading a great book, actually listening to a great book. In this book one of the things it discusses defining what we want. One of the things may be a million dollars (what ever your poison is lol), however the author ask us to go a little deeper. Why do we want a million dollars? The answer is financial security. And why do we want that? The answer may be peace... (I hope I explained it well). Try to get to the root desire that we have and not what society tells us we want.
So... I've thought about that a bit and I want a life filled with joy, peace and purpose. Now I want to check my thoughts and make sure they line up with what I want in my lie. If those thoughts do not help me obtain joy, peace and purpose then I can thank my brain for the thoughts and then discard them. For some reason this book puts it in a way that I understand.
Anyway onward with my new journey and now to define how I want to move towards joy, peace and purpose...
double like
This is how I want to live my life.
double like
This is how I want to live my life.
Now that I know what I want and it is not necessarily money or things but what I thought those things would bring me, (which is peace, joy and purpose) it is much easier to focus on the things that bring that about. Kinda lets me breath a little easier...
I'm trying bug, I never really understood when people would say this is not a linear process. I kinda get it now, I have good weeks/days and not so good weeks/days where I think I actually loose a little bit of hard fought ground. I am realizing that even through the rough patches I am coming out a little bit ahead each time. So not linear or with a deadline of x date to feel better, yep chucking them out the window...
It's the subguy show staring me, because wherever I go there I am, so might as well start loving myself because I am always there lol.
So, so true. When you get it, it makes so much sense.
H told me a few days ago that one of the changes he's noticed is in the past I was always on the go, or needed to be going somewhere, doing something. Now I seem to be settled, happy, OK.
I acknowledged that this was true, I always felt there was something "out there" that was going to make me happy, still my anxiety.
I didn't know I already had it within me, just had to unearth it.
I am really enjoying this book, I am connecting with the author. i am sure I heard this in other arena's however I am getting it now. Maybe I'm just ready now and she happens to be the right author at the right time.
The latest thing is about perception, studies have been done about it and how we each perceive the same thing. Google gorilla on a basketball court and perception, and check it out for yourself.
Anyway so perception is all about what a person sees and interprets this does not necessarily have anything to do with me. With this in mind I find myself being able to detach emotionally from situations easier (I am not Vulcan of course) and try to look at a situation from their perspective.
I'v heard this a million times but I just had a full on aaahaah moment, yes the light finally flipped on.
Well slap me silly, I thought I wrote the name of the book earlier.
Managing Thought by Mary Lore. She gave a seminar at my CEO/Key man group meeting a few weeks ago, I like what she was saying so I bought her audio book. Maybe I get it because I got to see and talk to her.
You might have mentioned it and I missed it. Thanks.
She has some youtube videos.
I was watching some Ted Talks last night. One of the speakers T. Robbins was describing something similar from the perspective of what motivates people’s behaviors
She has some youtube videos.
I'll check it out, thanks.
I was watching some Ted Talks last night. One of the speakers T. Robbins was describing something similar from the perspective of what motivates people’s behaviors
I really like Ted TV pretty cool site. I'll check him out.
Time for me to move forward with life, I found out some more info about my X's honesty that just pushes me over the top of being done. Money stolen and not disclosed, boy friends and the such. I would not accept it from a woman I was dating so... I am worth so much more than that. I thought I would wait and let her work things out and see, now not so much.
I love tall women think i'll ask one out lol...
Hi Subguy!
I have been reading your thread, getting caught up.
I can't give relationship advice. Buy I know how to ease those shin splints! (I get them so easy, since running cross country in high school.)
Do heel drops. Stand on a curb with your heels over the edge. Drop your heels lower about 10 times. I do 3 sets, toes pointed in, feet straight and toes pointed out.) I read this somewhere about 15 years ago. It really helps. I do them when I get stuck at red lights when I am walking.
The theory is that shin splints are caused by the calf muscles building up and pulling the muscle away from the shin, which causes that horrible pain.
I hope you get some relief!
Hi Subguy!
Do heel drops. Stand on a curb with your heels over the edge. Drop your heels lower about 10 times. I do 3 sets, toes pointed in, feet straight and toes pointed out.) I read this somewhere about 15 years ago. It really helps. I do them when I get stuck at red lights when I am walking.
The theory is that shin splints are caused by the calf muscles building up and pulling the muscle away from the shin, which causes that horrible pain.
I hope you get some relief!
Thanks
I will def. give that a try. I have been hitting the elliptical pretty hard and stretching a lot. I think that is helping, my legs do not feel as tight as before, I'm as flexible as a 2X4.. I'm running only 1-2 times per week.
I was watching some Ted Talks last night. One of the speakers T. Robbins was describing something similar from the perspective of what motivates people’s behaviors
I watched a Ted talk with Tony Robbins and it was interesting... Thanks!!
Hi everyone... I hope you all have a great New Year. I will be with a large group of kids from church and my D14. Should be a fun night.
It's been a rough couple of weeks but... I made it through and ready for a new year. I wont bore anyone with the details. Lets just say it was about me and my reaction to things found out. I am trying to get better at reacting to things, but of course we are not Vulcan and do have emotions...
I am learning how to forgive, it is a continual process. I thought I had forgiven and then something else would pop up and I felt like I was back at step one. I thought i was a bad person for not being able to forgive completely. What I have figured out is that I did forgive and then something else came up that hurt and I had to forgive for that as well. Like it says in the Bible Matthew 18:21-23.
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. 23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.
How many times must I forgive? As many as it takes!!! Peter walked with Jesus and he struggled with forgiveness, so it's okay that I do as well. My ultimate goal is to forgive and have peace in my heart for my X, right now I still have some resentments.
Goals for 2014: I promised bug I would list some and I shall, I am going to list some goals and steps I am taking to achieve them. A marathon, a mustang, improved relationship skills and possible a trip to attend Essential Experiences I hear discussed on theses boards from time to time. I plan on putting these up by the end of the week.
Any way I hope everyone has a nice day, stay safe and get a cab...
Here's to a peaceful year!
I believe we can only give others love, compassion, empathy, forgiveness after we have first extended those to ourselves.
It's all a process and we move at our own speed.
Did you seem my post about the documentary The Unreal Dream? Sometime when you're feeling especially introspective see if it's available to watch on CNN.
It really made me think about the capacity to forgive.
Here's to a peaceful year!
I believe we can only give others love, compassion, empathy, forgiveness after we have first extended those to ourselves.
It's all a process and we move at our own speed.
Did you seem my post about the documentary The Unreal Dream? Sometime when you're feeling especially introspective see if it's available to watch on CNN.
It really made me think about the capacity to forgive.
Hi Bug!!! That is an amazing story, I only got to see a 5 min. preview however his capacity for forgiveness is huge. I wonder how long it took him to get there? I can't wait to get to watch the whole film.
I totally get that in order to give love, compassion and empathy we must first give that to ourselves. I am a work in progress
I have made the decision to forgive and I am forgiving, as emotions pop up and things trigger my emotions I have to decide again to forgive. For me this is not a one time thing, i find myself having to make the decision to forgive over and over. I am not sure if anyone else has to do this, however I do.
Forgiveness is in my nature. I know the anxiety I have been having is due to the fact I assumed It had to be all or nothing. I felt as if I had not forgiven at all when things would pop up or emotions would get the better of me.
Once I realized that it may take me a million forgiveness's to be "healed" or to able to get through the day without thinking about it, my anxiety has all but gone away. I still get a tiny bit of anxiety, every now and then but... it is 99% better.
Once I realized that I am
normal so to speak that forgiveness is not necessarily a one time thing, I really calmed down.
I love being able to post my incoherent thoughts on this board and have people that care enough to comment and try to help me in my journey...
Hi everyone, man I have been busy. I am dating again, that was weird at first but I am settling down a bit. Its amazing how much more communication we have as compared to my marriage. Who know what the future has in store but right now things are fun. I still have some triggers to work through, but my girl friend is okay with it and we work through it. I am upfront completely with her on where I am.
Db'ing saved me and taught me to look at myself. I am a work in progress and am thankful for the friends I made in this board.
When people say things will get better, I never thought they meant it would for me... So if you think it won't, it will and does.
I broke up with the girlfrind It seems we were in different places in our lives. She wanted more integration into my daughters life than I was willing to allow at this point. She was getting upset and felt like an every other week girlfriend. She has never been married and has no children. I am wanting someone who will be okay in the beginning to allow me some room when its my week with my daughter. It did not make either if us wrong or bad just unable to give each other what we wanted at this point. I wish her well.
I am okay With it all. I acted with honor and class. One more thing I learned about myself and what I want and don't want.
I sold my pool, the guy came and collected it. Whew that dude was nothing but work. If anyone actually used it I would have been okay with it but it was only used three times last year. I'm going to make it a patio paver grilling area with a fire pit. Eventually a hit tub may accidently find its way into that space as well.
You sound great, sg.
"It did not make either if us wrong or bad just unable to give each other what we wanted at this point. I wish her well."
I am good Bug, thanks. It did not set me back and I hope she is okay and that I did not hurt her feelings. I however did not like the snide comments about my D and time I spend with her. We only dated 2 months, we talked about it several times and it continued, so I decided to end it. I am confident that I acted with dignity and honor towards her.
I am learning what I want and like, after 23 years of marriage it was nice to see a different style of personality. Some things I liked and some things i did not.
If we state our needs with honesty and kindness, either the OP can accept that or not. Who knows what they're bringing to the table that guides their reaction/response.
It's my belief, that many of us got to the place we were in our R because of a lack of honesty about our true needs in a R. We so wanted to BE in a R that almost anything was acceptable.
Until it wasn't.