It's about the kids; coming up on 3 years post D - 08/06/13 07:28 PM
Hi,
My last post was nearly 8 months ago and, not sure why but, I come back periodically to post an update. That...will probably end at some point.
My kids were infants/toddlers at the start of this back in 2006. My son now has a deep voice and I say to myself 'who is that strange man on the phone' when he calls. I can see the thicker hairs coming in on his legs and the little boy that clung so tightly to me during this ordeal is steadily becoming a man. Similarly, my daughter is now putting on mascara, is getting taller and she, too, is going through changes (not to mention becoming sassier too).
Divorce was the right thing for us. Not all relationships can be saved. However, the main piece of advice I can give everyone is to keep the children first. A friend of mine once said to me during the thick of all this that each time you talk against your spouse (or ex-spouse) in front of your children, it's like 'sticking a knife in their back'. Well, he was right. Make it about the kids.
At least in my state, men get the short end of the stick in divorce. The woman is seen as the better parent. Although I have joint custody and probably have the most parenting time of any father in this state, the residential parent ultimately has 'control'. Sometimes, as men, we have to make decisions which to us, make us feel emasculated. Situations, make us feel similarly (what man wants to ask 'permission' for his kids to sleep over when they want to)when HE is a parent too? It's the way it goes. It's the law. You have to work it.
Once, I read a story here that a man went on a vacation with his ex and SHE brought her new BF with her. I could never do that. HOWEVER, I now understand ( a little) the basis of this. Recently, my son had an event to go to upstate. It was a family type thing so my ex went as well. We were in the same hotel and totally by chance, she had the room next door. The rooms had locked doors between the two. During the week, we left the doors unlocked so the kids could go back and forth between each parent. We ate at the same table. Even went to dinner with a married couple since the kids were close friends. The dinner was VERY uncomfortable, especially when the other married couple, who knew we were divorced, asked my ex how we met. Oddly, my ex starts to go on and on as if we were still married. Although comfortable around her now, I had to turn towards my toward and help her cut up her food.
Time heals. Anger fades. Although I have NO doubt that if a conflict arose, my ex would use the kids against me, this seems to be a thing of the past for right now. The man she met and immediately brought into the home of our young kids has been cast off. It lasted about a year. A transition dude. The only that bothered me about the whole thing is that she brought him into the house so quickly instead of using her non-parenting days. The kids once told me that they cried many nights in the beginning.
As for me, I've gotten too comfortable being single. I enjoy the time with my kids and having peace and quiet around the house (er apartment). I have to get off my butt and start dating again before the 'use it or lose it' cliche becomes permanent. Although my sister tells me that other people think that my ex will want back, it would never happen from my point of view. What's done is done and I, for one, am not prone to make mistakes twice. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..........
Enjoy your kids. Be in the moment with them. Make it about them.
FIB
My last post was nearly 8 months ago and, not sure why but, I come back periodically to post an update. That...will probably end at some point.
My kids were infants/toddlers at the start of this back in 2006. My son now has a deep voice and I say to myself 'who is that strange man on the phone' when he calls. I can see the thicker hairs coming in on his legs and the little boy that clung so tightly to me during this ordeal is steadily becoming a man. Similarly, my daughter is now putting on mascara, is getting taller and she, too, is going through changes (not to mention becoming sassier too).
Divorce was the right thing for us. Not all relationships can be saved. However, the main piece of advice I can give everyone is to keep the children first. A friend of mine once said to me during the thick of all this that each time you talk against your spouse (or ex-spouse) in front of your children, it's like 'sticking a knife in their back'. Well, he was right. Make it about the kids.
At least in my state, men get the short end of the stick in divorce. The woman is seen as the better parent. Although I have joint custody and probably have the most parenting time of any father in this state, the residential parent ultimately has 'control'. Sometimes, as men, we have to make decisions which to us, make us feel emasculated. Situations, make us feel similarly (what man wants to ask 'permission' for his kids to sleep over when they want to)when HE is a parent too? It's the way it goes. It's the law. You have to work it.
Once, I read a story here that a man went on a vacation with his ex and SHE brought her new BF with her. I could never do that. HOWEVER, I now understand ( a little) the basis of this. Recently, my son had an event to go to upstate. It was a family type thing so my ex went as well. We were in the same hotel and totally by chance, she had the room next door. The rooms had locked doors between the two. During the week, we left the doors unlocked so the kids could go back and forth between each parent. We ate at the same table. Even went to dinner with a married couple since the kids were close friends. The dinner was VERY uncomfortable, especially when the other married couple, who knew we were divorced, asked my ex how we met. Oddly, my ex starts to go on and on as if we were still married. Although comfortable around her now, I had to turn towards my toward and help her cut up her food.
Time heals. Anger fades. Although I have NO doubt that if a conflict arose, my ex would use the kids against me, this seems to be a thing of the past for right now. The man she met and immediately brought into the home of our young kids has been cast off. It lasted about a year. A transition dude. The only that bothered me about the whole thing is that she brought him into the house so quickly instead of using her non-parenting days. The kids once told me that they cried many nights in the beginning.
As for me, I've gotten too comfortable being single. I enjoy the time with my kids and having peace and quiet around the house (er apartment). I have to get off my butt and start dating again before the 'use it or lose it' cliche becomes permanent. Although my sister tells me that other people think that my ex will want back, it would never happen from my point of view. What's done is done and I, for one, am not prone to make mistakes twice. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..........
Enjoy your kids. Be in the moment with them. Make it about them.
FIB
