I'm moving my thread here. I think in new comers my posts may seem counter intuitive to all that post there and I just need support and help and advice.
this is my thread in new comers:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2360374#Post2360374Please read. Please help. Going to pick my kids up this weekend and W is expecting me to bring their birth certificates and shot records so that she can enroll them into school in her home town which is 1.5 hr away from me and my job. So far we have been getting along and have been switching the kids back in forth 7days with me 7days with her. I don't want a divorce but she does. I've remained silent in the matter and all things except to talk to my kids, since she told me last Saturday.
I have had free consultations with three different law firms but I just get more and more confused. I want to protect myself and I want to protect my children. I don't think my W has this in mind, by what she has stated to me (trying not to mind read). I'm worried that if I dont bring the papers she wants she will refuse to let me take my kids and things will get ugly. Please someone help me.
Corerush,
I don't think this forum is a good fit for you - those of us here have had the divorce already and are in a post-D world. Since you are still new at this, staying in Newcomers is probably a good idea where you get way more traffic and help.
That being said, I see you live in my state. I'm not a lawyer nor do I play one on TV. But Colorado is a no-fault state, and what you want isn't going to matter.
There are plenty of TV ads lately for a law firm in Denver that specializes in father's rights (I can't remember the name but in the commercial, the guy walks around with a big red D all around him), and you might find solace there. In the end, my advice to you is to get one on retainer now to protect your relationship with the kids. Until you do that, the courts don't see this as a problem.
Good luck.
Betsey
Thanks......i just feel/felt ostracized. Just wanting support
I disagree about the forum, Betsey - I think this is the right place for anyone who is going through divorce issues, as people here have experience and advice to offer.
I haven't read your thread yet, but I do agree with Bets that you need to lawyer up. Once she enrolls the kids in school in her town, you'll have a more difficult time getting 50/50 custody, I should think (and it wouldn't be very practical anyway). I don't know if you are prepared or able to be the primary custodian, but if that's what you want, you will need a lawyer to help fight for that. Your work status and hers may influence the courts (if she's a stay-at-home mom, they'll probably let them go to school where she is.)
Separate out your feelings about wife and divorce, and just ask yourself what is best for the kids? If it seems inevitable that they will live with her and go to school there, you may not want to make waves. On the other hand, if you believe they would be better off living with you and seeing her on weekends, get a lawyer ASAP, one who is experienced in fighting for father's rights.
I disagree about the forum, Betsey - I think this is the right place for anyone who is going through divorce issues, as people here have experience and advice to offer.
I haven't read your thread yet, but I do agree with Bets that you need to lawyer up. Once she enrolls the kids in school in her town, you'll have a more difficult time getting 50/50 custody, I should think (and it wouldn't be very practical anyway). I don't know if you are prepared or able to be the primary custodian, but if that's what you want, you will need a lawyer to help fight for that. Your work status and hers may influence the courts (if she's a stay-at-home mom, they'll probably let them go to school where she is.)
Separate out your feelings about wife and divorce, and just ask yourself what is best for the kids? If it seems inevitable that they will live with her and go to school there, you may not want to make waves. On the other hand, if you believe they would be better off living with you and seeing her on weekends, get a lawyer ASAP, one who is experienced in fighting for father's rights.
kml, thank you so much. My feelings are there but all I'm thinking about is the kids and what will/could be best. Which is me moving down there finding a job and being able to see my kids 50% of the time. I'm just lost and need support. The way I have been made to feel so far is that if I do move down there I am kowtowing to her when really I want to remain civil and give my kids the best life they can possibly have with us being kind and loving? towards eachother. I just need a hand or a fricken hug something. THis hurts and I'm sad.
corerush we here on this thread have been where you are. We understand the hurt, fear and pain. I would listen to KML and get a lawyer. I would wait before making any moves to relocate. I'm sorry to be pragmatic about this but you will need a steady job and income if the divorce goes through. It can be costly. I wouldn't be thinking of getting new job right now. To me work was the only stable part of my life while I went through my stich so slow down a bit. 1.5 hrs away is not that far to see the kids for a little while until you get yourself together. heck I have been driving 90 miles each way to work for 10 years. you can do it also.
Ellie--I just thought that since most of us here are not on as often as they are in newcomers, he would get faster and more support up there.
I have a friend up in Fort Collins that used to post here. I can't remember his DB name but his real name is Kevin to those of us who remember him. He tried his darndest to play nice with his XW for the sake of his kids. He was and IS a truly nice guy and a great dad. His XW was definitely NOT a considerate co-parent to their 2 kids.
He would tell you if he were here to go get that damned attorney now. The monetary costs will pale in comparison to losing your kids. Kevin even had to go to court post D after he found out that his XW petitioned the court to have their kids' last names changed to her new H. He won.
I have numerous friends - both male and female - in this state who have been screwed out of the justice system here. My business partner's wife (and by default, him) were out $200K to fight her XH. And they lost anyway. Her 3 boys are really screwed up now, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that it was going to happen.
If you think I'm trying to scare you, I am. YOU NEED PROTECTION. She's already making decisions without you, and that is just going to be a runaway train that gathers momentum, speed and steam.
And Rick is right. If you start this process unemployed, they are not going to see you with the stability you need to win the war.
One of the ads I've seen (I can't remember if this is the big red D one) is Cordell and Cordell. They have offices all over the state. Here's one of their quotes:
Denver Fathers Rights
A recent case involving a Colorado woman arrested for falsely accusing her ex of abuse in order to benefit in their ongoing child custody case is another example of the importance of having a Denver fathers rights attorney on your side.
False allegations of abuse are increasingly being used as strategic weapons in child custody cases to take away dads rights in Denver, Colorado. Why? Because women know they can strip away the rights of fathers in Denver by filing for an order of protection – even with little evidence for a claim – that frequently turn into sole child custody orders.
Having a Denver dads rights lawyer will ensure your rights do not completely vanish in court whether you are fighting false allegations of abuse or protecting your financial means to remain involved in your children’s lives.
If you are concerned with your rights being protected, contact a Denver fathers rights lawyer at Cordell & Cordell. To schedule an appointment, please call 1.866.DADS.LAW.
This is exactly why we're urging you to get on board. The sooner the court system has you in it, the faster you can prevent this from happening.
I also read in Newcomers that your W has previous drug issues. I suggest very strongly that you use that against her. If it comes into play, you don't want your kids to be in that type of situation. Besides, it doesn't sound like she's going to play nice with you at this point.
Best of luck.
Betsey
Thank you all. Pray for me to have the clarity of mind to make sound decisions.
So I went on a support for mens right website namely to see if I could get support and information. The men on this website seem vindictive and angry.and I do not want to become that. I want to work.this out with my wife I want all decisions to be between us for our children. And everything that I'm being told seems underhanded and sneaky. Am I am fool for feeling thia way. Am I a fool for thinking that W and I can put all our feelings aside and work for our children? I kmow silence is preached here with a WAS but my situation doesn't seem to fit the model. Can anyone give me some enlightenment?
I wanted to be able to post at work but I am no longer able to. You do realize that she never stopped cheating don't you? Maybe she wasn't with the original guy, but always with someone else. Are you sure you want this to work? She appears to have a strong addictive personality.
I would stop trying to address issues with her for the moment. Get a lawyer to protect yourself and your kids. Just because the people going to the lawyers seem angry, doesn't mean you have to be. She will walk all over you because you don't want to do this. Set your feelings aside for now. Get hopping!
kat
I wanted to be able to post at work but I am no longer able to. You do realize that she never stopped cheating don't you? Maybe she wasn't with the original guy, but always with someone else. Are you sure you want this to work? She appears to have a strong addictive personality.
I do realize it. No I don't think I can make our marriage work.
She does have a strong addictive personality. I will not take responsibility for her actions.
I would stop trying to address issues with her for the moment. Get a lawyer to protect yourself and your kids. Just because the people going to the lawyers seem angry, doesn't mean you have to be. She will walk all over you because you don't want to do this. Set your feelings aside for now. Get hopping!
kat
I'm trying to set my feelings aside. Fear that she'll refuse to let me take my kids this weekend is probably the most prominent. I've been talking to.lawyers but have yet to find one that I can afford. Thank you for your frankness Kat. I have a lot to think about and I'm running out of time. I have IC tonight. Please continue to pray for me.
court and custody are completely different matters than silence with the WAS
and no
you and your wife will most likely NOT be able to put aside your feelings and work for your children
and
legally she is entitled to copies of birth certificates and social security cards...she could get them herself for a court fee (I think it is around 45 for birth certificate and 20 for social security cards but I could be wrong on prices)
Figgeroni,
That is what I am realizing. How can i be silent when everything needs to be talked about concerning our kids. I want to be able to push aside my feelings and I think I am capable when talking about our D and S.
Thanks for your words.
Went to IC last night and it was good to talk to someone that is completely outside of the situation. I told her my goals for meeting with her and those are to be a better man and not to let D destroy me.
Does anyone have a good relationship after divorce? I know my W wants.to be let go but I don't know if I want to. I do love her. I don't kove what she has done to me but I am capable of forgivness as long as she can be remorseful. I don't think she is there right now or will be any time soon but can't this turn around? I really don't want to be divorced
"I know my W wants.to be let go but I don't know if I want to."
You don't have a choice. It sounds creepy when you say it that way too.
"I don't kove what she has done to me but I am capable of forgivness as long as she can be remorseful."
That's why you didn't learn anything from DB the first time. Forgiveness is a one way thing. It's a choice YOU make with no expectations of a return. Either you forgive someone or not.
"I don't think she is there right now or will be any time soon but can't this turn around?"
Again, that's not what forgiveness is.
"I really don't want to be divorced"
Again it's not entirely up to you. Aside from our W's cheating, I really didn't see how you had changed when all this was going on.
That's why you didn't learn anything from DB the first time. Forgiveness is a one way thing. It's a choice YOU make with no expectations of a return. Either you forgive someone or not.
Actually forgiveness isn't a one way thing (We are not God and we don't have the ability to love unconditionally). If the other party isn't held accountable for their actions they will continue to do what they are doing, i.e. being cheated on. I'm sorry that you think you have me pegged as someone that didn't do the "work" but I did, was I perfect? No, but I put in work. I did as much as I could while my W did nothing but have one foot out the door since she came back, if coming back means she did work then that is laughable. Nothing that I did warrants being cheated on.
You say you don't see how I changed? Lets see, I learned her love language and spoke it often. I made a change when it came to her family and us spending time with them. I gave her more space. I encouraged her in every aspect of what she wanted to do and encouraged her to go to college. I wasn't as clingy (and wasn't before the first time either. I did what most do on here and became more clingy when she told me she was done.) I appreciate your words but don't assume I didn't do work because I did. I did my best to better myself and became a better father and husband, things don't change over night, and when the W doesn't allow me to heal from the first offence and doesn't show remorse for what she did forgiveness isn't an easy thing. It isn't my fault that she is unfaithful and couldn't talk to me about what she was feeling. The thing is she doesn't know how to communicate and when things get tough she runs away. Do I want to save my marriage? Yes. Am I going to let her Go? Yes.
I disagree. In my experience forgiveness is a one way street. The peace of forgiveness is something we give ourselves when we let go of the anger and expectations we held for others. Do we love ourselves enough to forgive others? Can we let go and cease to count coup? Can we find peace?
I find to have inner peace I must forgive. I choose this path. I am capable of others. All manner of mayhem and chaos capable of am I. Choose them I do not.
We are not God. I believe we are spiritual beings and wholly capable of unconditional love. For me this is another matter of choice. I have experienced conditional love and for a while I walked that path. It rears its head less these days because I choose so.
If it stings there is probably an element of truth contained and this can point to a starting point, a place to begin again the journey of improvement. To be successful improvement must be continuous as each leg of the journey builds upon the preceding ones. Pick a spot on the path, work on you.
I understand one of your goals is to have good relationships with your children. What can you do to improve yourself and the likelihood you will achieve that goal?
I apologize as this may hurt. The relationship you and she had is done. Trying to resurrect it wastes you. Find the new normal and work building other relationships. Relationships that enrich you.
Hey there,
I am one of the fortunate ones who DO have a great friendship with my XH. But know that I started this journey trying to save my marriage - we were separated for 2 years before he filed for divorce. We've been divorced since May 2005. That being said, it started with FORGIVENESS.
Actually forgiveness isn't a one way thing (We are not God and we don't have the ability to love unconditionally). If the other party isn't held accountable for their actions they will continue to do what they are doing, i.e. being cheated on.
You really have this concept confused with justice. And it isn't your job to mete out justice. Sometimes the other party isn't remorseful, but that doesn't stop you from letting the hurt go so you can focus on being a happier person. If you DO elect to hold on to bitterness and withhold forgiveness, all your relationships will suffer.
I'm lucky, as I had the BEST teacher in the world. My adopted parents here in Denver sat me down right after my XH walked out. They told me if I wanted to reconcile, I'd have to do the work anyway. They were right. What makes them qualified to hold me to the fire? Their disabled son was murdered by his caretaker. The murderer isn't the least bit remorseful. In fact, he told them that he hated his job because of their son.
They decided to leave that part of the equation to God. Their part was to let go of the hurt and anger caused by his heinous actions. They have 4 other children and grandchildren who followed suit. This doesn't mean they are ok with this! They just chose to pack up those feelings in a suitcase and drop them off in a landfill. They now lead the Colorado chapter of Parents of Murdered Children.
I figure if THEY can forgive that person, I could definitely forgive my XH. Oh yeah, that was a whole lot easier than forgiving myself.
You may think yourself above being cheated on. I don't know your XW and I don't know her motivations. But you may have to examine this more. I don't know. Maybe you don't. But the fact is, marriage breakdowns rarely occur overnight and at the hands of one spouse. Only you, her and God know.
It isn't my fault that she is unfaithful and couldn't talk to me about what she was feeling. The thing is she doesn't know how to communicate and when things get tough she runs away.
Maybe you aren't the easiest person to communicate feelings? You seem awfully defensive here, and if you're like this in real life, it might just make it hard for her to know how to approach you.
Listen, I speak this from experience. My XH works a lot, travels a lot, we have a developmentally disabled daughter, and we lived in survival mode for a long time. Plus at the time, he was drinking a whole lot and got a DUI. We had been in C several times, and I needed *something* from him emotionally. He shut down. And I was the one who came perilously close to cheating.
He and I both have the benefit of looking at things backward and we both agree now that we both made choices, said stuff and did stuff that were not in the best interest of our marriage.
And here's another nugget for you. He forgave ME long before he could forgive himself for walking out on us. That took years.
We all have pain, friend. We deal with it differently.
I challenge you to come back at this entire conversation with compassion and empathy. For YOU as well as her and your children. They are the only blameless individuals in your situation.
I would also venture to say that she isn't going to express any remorse to you until you shed that cloak of righteousness. It's hard for anyone to swallow shame when they are being tried, judged and executed.
And if you tried to be the better husband and father? Good for you! It will serve you well if you have to parent on your own and for your next relationship. But sometimes it's just too little, too late and the other party just doesn't want to continue.
My XH and I were really good friends for a year before we started dating. So my goal all along was to get my friend back. It took awhile, but we did it. He's a genuinely nice person, funny as hell and I enjoy him. He's actually one of my best friends. If I need a friend, he's in the top 5. I realize that most of the folks here just don't have that boon. The former spouse shows their true colors and what is left isn't anything that most people could stomach in a friend. I get that. I don't know your fate, but for the sake of your kids, find some compassion for her - she's their mom and nothing is going to change that.
If you want to save this marriage, you HAVE to do this, friend. So check out some new books and get started. I don't know if you're a religious person, but if you are... every time you say the Lord's Prayer, you're asking God to forgive you the way you forgive others. If you can say that without a lump in your throat or crying, this is something upon which you might reflect. I couldn't say this prayer in its entirety without crying for 3 months after he left me.
And one more thing... IF you want to save your marriage AND become a better husband and father, quit scorekeeping. You're going to lose.
Good luck-
Betsey
JustStunned,
I did completely forgive her last time, when she asked to come home I welcomed her with open arms and heart, I wouldn't bring it up I wouldn't shove it in her face and if I did try to talk about it, my answer was "you need to get over it." I can honestly forgive but it is hard to do that when the other party continues to lie.
I know that my relationship is over. I want to move on, it happens that it is fresh and that I am constantly wrestling with myself. None of what you said stings. Its the truth. I believe in forgiveness and I believe in love. They stem from the same place. Growing up I was taught to forgive. I was taught about unconditional love but it is hard to believe in right now. I don't want to be accused of not putting in the "work" When I did everything that I could with the circumstances we, Myself and W were in. Nothing and I mean nothing justifies an A, Emotional or Physical. You made vows. Keep them. I live with my choices and deal with them. I do not run away from my problems, I cannot control her actions nor do I want to. I pray her eyes to be opened and to have her apologize to me, I deserve it.
"Actually forgiveness isn't a one way thing (We are not God and we don't have the ability to love unconditionally)."
Um yes you do. If your kid went and committed a horrible crime, chances are you'd still love him. You don't love what he did but you love him as the person. There's a case just today in our local news where a guy was convicted of killing a schoolteacher at a mall. At the sentencing, the schoolteacher's husband confronted the killer and said he forgave him and prays that he finds peace one day. THAT's forgiveness.
"If the other party isn't held accountable for their actions they will continue to do what they are doing, i.e. being cheated on."
Sorry but this has nothing to do with forgiveness. There are many on this forum whose WASs have cheated repeatedly and the LBS forgave them even though they knew that their WAS would cheat again. They are the ones that are damaged, not you.
"I'm sorry that you think you have me pegged as someone that didn't do the "work" but I did, was I perfect? No, but I put in work. I did as much as I could while my W did nothing but have one foot out the door since she came back, if coming back means she did work then that is laughable. Nothing that I did warrants being cheated on."
I don't think you understand what "doing the work" means. It refers to doing work on yourself to build YOUR self-esteem. There's nothing you can do about your W's actions. You can't control her. However you can keep rebuilding yourself and there was alot in your posts about how much you were dependent on your W. Including the forgiveness issue.
"You say you don't see how I changed? Lets see, I learned her love language and spoke it often. I made a change when it came to her family and us spending time with them. I gave her more space. I encouraged her in every aspect of what she wanted to do and encouraged her to go to college. I wasn't as clingy (and wasn't before the first time either. I did what most do on here and became more clingy when she told me she was done.)"
That's fine.
"I appreciate your words but don't assume I didn't do work because I did. I did my best to better myself and became a better father and husband, things don't change over night, and when the W doesn't allow me to heal from the first offence and doesn't show remorse for what she did forgiveness isn't an easy thing."
That's the part you never changed. You let it eat away at you and get you where you are now.
"It isn't my fault that she is unfaithful and couldn't talk to me about what she was feeling. The thing is she doesn't know how to communicate and when things get tough she runs away."
Again, that is her issue. Not yours and it goes beyond just the M. Maybe something happened to her in the past or whatever. Either way, it's HER choice not to do anything about it and it is no reflection on your efforts.
"Do I want to save my marriage? Yes. Am I going to let her Go? Yes."
This proves otherwise - "I really don't want to be divorced". Start talking about your life WITHOUT your W. Keep the focus on you and your needs for a change.
I've a lot to think about. Thank you all for what you have written. A bit bitter I am right now. and I'll reflect on this. I'll re-read what you have written rather than dealing out a reply right away. Again thank you. Please pray for me.
No problem. Just remember
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa
I did get a apology but what I really wanted to hear that our marriage had meant something. Probably not something I will ever hear.
When I read the discussion on" work" I took it to mean working on yourself to be a better you. This wasn't just for your marriage but for you too. Being betrayed, humiliated and hurt does such a number on you, focusing on doing things for the other person may come across as clingy.
Right now focus on you. Focus on your kids. Do things that will help you get to a better place. Your kids are going to be hurting and they will need a stable parent as well.
I forgave my ex a few years back because carrying all of that anger around was just exhausting. It also was hurting my kids. So I forgave him but I certainly didn't condone what he did. We get along but are not friends. As I say that, he is here now after getting done helping me with the backyard(the offer came totally out of the blue). He got pizza for us and now we are all watching a movie. He did marry his affair partner.
Don't ask me to explain how he is now. I suppose I will just be happy for the free labor and the fact that we can sit in the same room watching movies with our kids.
kat
A lot of what I was saying yesterday I am realizing is out of anger. I don't want to be angry and I don't want to be bitter. I want to live my life....Can anyone suggest any type of book that may help with having a positive outlook? I just need something to dive into and be able to focus on.
W and I talked last night. Just talked I didn't bring up divorce. Or how much I miss her. Just small talk. Well she brought up her plans for future and I just listened. We laughed at somethings. Man this [censored]... I have divorce paper work sitting on my desk. Haven't been able to look at them since.
Brob,
I don't have any specific books on anger. Anger itself is just another emotion and not a bad thing. It's often the emotion that propels us to take action.
That being said, when it goes unchecked is when trouble begins.
In the early days/months of my separation, my anger was not pretty. Had he walked in front of my Expedition, I'd have probably hit the gas. For me my come to Jesus moment occurred when my then D8 told me that my anger scared her, and if she stayed scared could she go live with her dad? That forced me to change all alone.
I walked. I worked out. I prayed. I amped up the self care. I actually started score keeping my list of transgressions, and I found my own side of the street littered with my debris. So I elected to focus on the things that he found irritating and read spiritually soothing books. Then I set about the important work of forgiving myself. Just focusing on me was distracting and exhausting. It also served a good purpose. I started to wonder if I could even fall in love with him again.
Since you know the end to my story, I don't need to answer that.
However, I promised myself that I would never denigrate him to our girls. I constantly told them both that their dad loved them and the issue was between the two of us alone. My D19 knows, and always has, that it wasn't her fault. Some spouses ARE lousy parents. But mine was and is a great dad. I hope you get the same from your wife. All kids deserve to have their parents in their lives.
Anyway, it's probably going to be a multi-pronged approach that will require discipline.
One of my techniques I will share with you. Each time I started mentally winding myself up, I'd catch it and say , "Betsey, I thought you promised to drop this?" I had to consciously switch gears. Some folks here used to do the rubber band on their wrists. Whatever it takes. If it works, do more of it!
Take care,
Betsey
ps I eventually did hear the apology I had long sought, and by then it meant nothing to me. But it was HIS come to Jesus moment, and it meant everything to him. For that reason, he had me a captive audience. And he told me he wished he had a do over, because he would change everything. While it was nice to hear that, because I had forgiven him long before, the words weren't what I needed to hear. So don't think that is the end game, because it isn't. I still got divorced and am fine. I'm more than fine. I like the person I am because of all that hard work. It's worthwhile no matter what.
A few days ago would have been or was (since we are still married) our 11th anniversary. I didn't say anything to her about it and nor did she to me. Is tjme travel really not possible?
happy fourth of july everyone
Are 180s for me and me alone? Or are they meant for W? My marriage may be over in the classical sense but there is always hope that if I find myself that it could recindle, or am I way off base?
I think you need to focus on you. So at this point you are making changes that will get you through the chaos and what ever that will bring.
The mistakes I made before finding DB, was that everything I did made him the focus. I was trying so hard to keep my family together that I really lost myself. I became someone that I didn't like much. I was clingy, crying and mad most of the time.
Work on things that you perhaps stopped doing when you got together. What kinds of things do you enjoy? Go do them. Think of things that will make good memories for the kids and do them. Don't do anything that will have the goal of your wife in mind. This is all about you now.
kat
I'm hurting today. The loss of eleven years is very tangible. I have kept busy but my mind wonders. I would love to give W a piece of my mind. Actually I would love her to feel an iota of the pain I'm feeling right now. I know she is hurting. I don't know. I want a hug from her...I'm rambling I know but these thoughts need to get out. I want relief from this hole in my heart. I want to heal. I want the past three months as a do over.
It is going to take time. I don't think you can just shut off the emotions you have. The WAS has had more time to deal with those emotions because they knew what they were doing. You got be blind sided.
One thing that I did, I put a reminder on my calendar and I ask myself how am I doing. Even nearly 5 years later. I know that it his loss, there are much better days ahead for me and for all of us here. Just don't rush it.
kat
Kat, I know I can't rush it but this pain right now it so overwhelming. I can't wait for work tomorrow in the hopes that my mind will be distracted. Just a bad day today.
Those 11 years aren't lost. They are a part of you that will always be a part of you. As far as the hole in your heart, believe me you will feel better. I always described it as feeling like there was a knife in my heart.
I went to a yoga camp, because I was hurting so bad and didn't know what to do as I went through the divorce. The third day of the camp, which had us doing a lot of meditation, I felt the knife in my heart was gone. I highly recommend learning to meditate. It is powerful.
I still wish for a hug from my X. And every time I have given him a piece of my mind I have realized it just doesn't matter. He and I see things completely differently.
And as someone once told me: "It's like talking to your dog."
Weniki,
Thank you for your words. Today I feel a ton better. Namely because of work and its distractions. I'm not much on meditation but I am on prayer and I can and have been doing a ton of it. I think I am asking for the wrong thing right now...and will be adjusting my prayers.
The knife in my heart is completely accurate only it feels like three. I am slowly removing them. I just don't want to see her with an OP and have those re-enter my heart. So my healing will need to be slow so I can mend them and be strong for my babies. I worry the most about my daughter because she went through this and remembers the first time, I do not want her to be consumed by anger and loss. She knows I love her mom and that I miss her mom but she doesn't know the whole story, and her understanding of all of it will not be complete. It's a mine field. If W's guilt is a time bomb and if that is true isn't mine also? Or am I dealing with it right now? The sadness of failure is my most constant pang. I don't want my kids to grow up believing that love isn't a real thing and that marriage isn't one of the greatest things they can experience.
I'm reading DR...again though it seems futile but at the same time I know it has a road map to help me become a better person. This is just crazy. Crazy! I will not be crushed by this
Brob,
You might have hit on something about the nature of your prayer.
When I changed mine to the ridiculously simple, my prayer was answered: Please change what is in MY heart.
I got that in spades, and it was humbling. Now whenever I have difficulty communicating with someone, I make this prayer. It absolutely puts me in their shoes and helps me find the words that they can hear from me so we are able to communicate.
Good luck!
Betsey
Are you that general with what is in your heart or do you get specific?
I just need the holy spirit to grant me wisdom in this confusing time. I need sleep......
I wasn't that specific, but if you have something that's weighing on you more than anything else, plug it in! And this is where the Holy Spirit makes divine intervention.
I hope you get some sleep AND peace!
I'm going to be filing today.....I want to let go of her but she is so deeply rooted right now. I just can't decide if she's a weed or a flower.
Honestly - I don't think you should file right now. You are in an emotionally charged state and sometimes it is better to wait until things settle down a bit.
Will filing change anything about the way you feel right now? Probably not.
Try to redirect your thoughts as much as you can. I used the Stop sign technique when I thought my focus was too much on the pain. I allowed myself a few minutes to think about it then put up my hand & said stop & tried to think about something (Anything) else.
Believe me - I was in your shoes. The pain and hurt and anger had taken over me. It took a long time to get past it. Everyone told me my life would be good again but I did not believe it. But it IS - in fact it is BETTER than it ever was. Please believe it will get better for you too. But you must be proactive. You need to find the good things in your life & add some new ones. & you will get clarity & maybe then will be the right time to file. Or not. But it is better to do it when you are settled.
Hugs,
Barb
Right now she is draining you. I struggled so much with not having control of the situation. My ex had cheated when we first got married, it was easy for him as I was a flight attendant and gone so much. He promised he would never hurt me again.
I knew he had hurt me again but couldn't believe he would hurt his kids like this. I was wrong. Perhaps if I had taken the bull by the horns, but all I could think about was keeping us all together. I think it took me longer to heal because of it but I did want to know that I had tried, really tried to keep us together. When it was done...the moment he said he couldn't see us together in court, I let it go.
Find some control for yourself, it will bode well for you.
kat
Barb,
I don't know what else to do. She wants out. We've filled out the paper work together and I think my best move right now is to file. I don't want this but as the saying goes, "if you love someone, set them free. I do believe you in saying it will get better and everyone is telling me the same. Even her....which is ironic and hurtful and funny all in one. I am praying and I feel better than I have today then I did on saturday and sunday. I'm not going to just let myself dwindle away. Today is a new day and I can do everything different. I know that I have God I just need to trust in him completely and letting him have all my problems is a huge thing.
Kat,
My W had an EA the first time in 2005, about a year after I had gotten out of the Army. The second time was in 2009 two different men, and the guy from the first time. Two months ago it was a different man but one that I had met and was actually at our wedding. And now she has someone else. I lost myself when I left the army and even more with the first EA. I kept telling myself that if I show her that I love her and can forgive her that she will be completely mine. I was wrong. I made my mistakes and I can own up to them. I can forgive her and I am praying about it. I did it before. Control is something that I do not feel right now. I didn't sleep again last night even though I tried to go to bed early. I laid there for two to three hours waiting for it to take over.
Lord in your name, I pray that I find control, forgiveness of self and for W. I pray that You will intervene on my behalf when it comes to my children giving me the strength and wisdom to raise them. I pray that You will intervene on my behalf when it comes to myself change my heart to fit your will not mine.
Ugh anxiety today.....I would love to throw the DR or DB book at her head. Tomorrow I'm working out. Haven't in two weeks I'm getting back to it. I'm quitting smoking, thankfully I don't drink. I'm completing my portfolio. I'm going to set my feet back into a church. I'm going to ignore FB.
Ugh anxiety today.....I would love to throw the DR or DB book at her head. Tomorrow I'm working out. Haven't in two weeks I'm getting back to it. I'm quitting smoking, thankfully I don't drink. I'm completing my portfolio. I'm going to set my feet back into a church. I'm going to ignore FB.
I know church involvement was a big part of my recovery. Join a small group and get to know some people too. In my small group I met a friend who's wife disappeared with his kids and he didn't see the kids for 17 years. It's amazing to see that he is re-married, has made and maintained contact with his oldest daughter and is thankful to God for what he has. My pain is nothing compared to that!
OMG STBX is pissing me off. Doesn't help that I see her effing posts on FB. Talking about her new chapter in life. and how good everything is. THIS IS PISSING ME OFF. I wish I could hate her and this would be so much easier. Why? why? why? WHY?!?!
I was looking over your posts and saw that about a week ago you said you were going to ignore FB. I'd definitely recommend it.
FB is only going to make you feel worse. A lot of people use FB to try to show off how fabulous their life is, especially when it's not. My H did the same thing-trying to convince the world that life with OW was perfect, even when everything was falling apart.
Your W is probably trying to convince herself that she's happy and making the best decision, but having to watch that is just going to drive you crazy.
Hating her probably wouldn't make it any easier, but I can't say, because for some reason I still love my XH. I can't understand him, but there is still love there.
Sweet,
I've logged out of fb and haven't logged back in. I know hating her wouldnt make it any easier. I'm just angry. And letting it out. I like you still love her however she's a cheater and doesn't deserve me. That is what I need to keep in mind.
Good for you! It's tough to stay off FB, but it does make things easier if you can.
This is a great place to let out your emotions. I had a few rants of my own on here after seeing some of OW's posts.
I knew that as angry and upset as I was, I didn't want to share it with anyone I knew in person. Because if H had wanted to work on things, I wanted that option and didn't want the world to hate him because of what I'd said.
Feel free to vent and know that we're here for you.
yeah, it's hard not to check FB but once you make up your mind that you aren't going to do it because it is of absolutely no good or healthy use to you, you'll feel a lot better. Why not unfriend or defriend or whatever her. Why keep her on your friend's list?
Whatisis,
I have no idea. Stupidity. I think i'm just going to deactivate my account.
I am struggling with the fact that my kids do not know the reason why we are divorcing. I cannot let my kids grow up thinking that our marriage just stopped working, when she cheated on me multiple times. I want them to know the truth but without causing conflict between stbx and myself. This situation is so convoluted that i do not see a clear path. I was watching a video on Divorce Recovery and one of the main people on the video said it can take up to 5 years to get over a divorce. I'm sure this isn't completely true of all cases but I don't want to feel the pain I am feeling for that long. My roller coaster has slowed down but I see her and it speeds back up. I do not want to feel this pain any more.
It's not stupidity, it's an attempt to keep a connection with someone that matters to you. Is it healthy to continue doing so is the next question. I think you know the answer. But why deactivate your account, why not just delete her and enjoy interacting with other friends.
There is no "set" time that it takes to get over divorce. The longer you have been married it does seem to take longer to heal. There will be set backs every now and again but they decrease in intensity as well.
My divorce will be final 5 years at the end of the month. I have had false starts thinking I was good only to find I had even more work to do. I am doing pretty well in relation to the divorce. Wouldn't want to go back if I could. I keep pretty busy with the kids and their issues. Especially as of late.
I would not stay friends with your WAW. It is just more pain. Why do that to yourself?
kat
Kat, Whatisis,
I really do not want to remain friends with her. i want to remain amicable. And I will be doing that for the sake of my children. I do not want contact with her other than to talk to my children or to talk about an issue concerning the children.
I've been doing better. My lows dont feel as low and they tend to be going away quicker. All in all prayer is my best friend right now.
Unfriended her from fb...........I am hoping that this will start to make a change in my mental state. It was driving me crazy seeing her and how "happy" she is and thanking people for supporting her. ugh
Glad to hear you are doing better. Sorry I haven't stopped by, I have been having some teenager issues to deal with. Still dealing with parental discussion fall out, but such as life as the primary parent.
My head hurts. Kat
Kat,
I hope all is worked out with the kiddos. Doing okay. We had our initial status conference where she forgot all of her paper work.....this is what I'm going to have to deal with for rest of my life right? Anyways, i'm tired really really tired I haven't been sleeping and tonight is the night I change that. I just can't seem to find sleep when I should be. I think to much when I'm lying down.
stbx is tolerable. I don't have any desire to talk to her even about the things that need to be discussed. No anger with me just sadness. This [censored] guys it really really [censored]. I hate hearing her say "I gave you 11 years." What did I give you then a day? Oh yeah I'm not the one that cheated....multiple times. I'm not the one that doesn't show remorse....ugh Not going down this path. I'm better than I was a month ago. Started doing daily bible studies. And I'm praying a lot.
Sorry to hear you are struggling. When I suggested meditation you said you pray. I would like to ask you to try a simple thing. When you are praying, also concentrate on the spot between your eyes. Have your eyes closed, and lift your eyes up slightly and act like you are trying to see through that spot. Continue your normal prayers while doing this.
It has helped me so much. Try it several times a day for a week and please tell me if it helps.
Aloha,
Wendy
Wendy,
I will try it thank you.
Major breakthrough for me however. My attitude toward all of this is starting to balance itself out. I have my moments of sadness and pain, but I can stop them in their tracks now. Anger comes but it is gone in seconds, I don't and didn't have much to begin with.
I'm drawing more, which is my zen area. I love it and I am getting better, I just need to get my 3d programs back on my computer and I'll be right as rain, that and I need to stop smoking, it is a pain.
Noticing that stbxw has a bit of a chip on her shoulder, her attitude when I pick up my kiddos is cold, though I don't say much, or engage her when i'm there. I just tell her that I'll have the kids back on sunday, doesn't seem as happy as she was a few weeks ago. Could just be me, but she seems to be stuck, she hasn't found a job yet and she is in her mom's house still. I'll be moving at the end of this month, even though springs is a dump and I hate it, I'll have my job in denver and will look forward to the drive each day. My imagination can go rampant and I can come up with some illustrations (I'm hoping to become a full time illustrator).
I've cleaned up my FB page. All pictures of her are gone I may need to look through again, going to be taking down all pictures of her around the house, which doubles as packing to move. I've changed my status from M to Single. Some have said that was a big step, I don't know if it is but I'm accepting the fact that my M is over. I can move on and face each day with a positive attitude. I know I can do this, I can be better and I can move on from someone who was abusive to me. I can only control me and its a good feeling that I no longer come into my house wondering who she is or was talking to. That feeling in the pit of my stomach is becoming smaller, it is slow but I have also accepted that. I like the feeling of making it smaller and smaller.
Thanks for the words and the support.
brobafet, thanks for checking in on me, so I wanted to see how you were doing.
I think all WAS's go through a phase of being cold and distant, so don't think it has anything to do with you.
It can be tiring to keep up the pretense of being happy and in love with life, so maybe they just can't do it anymore.
After reading your post, I decided to go through my fb pics too. Most pics of us were on xh's fb which he deactivated back in march, but the few I had are now in a private folder so that no one else sees them. Most are actually of xh and ss, so I didn't want to delete them completely.
Since you know drawing makes you feel better, keep doing that.
Keep taking care of yourself.
Sweet,
I'm trying to take care of myself. I need to start working out again. The drawing thing is easy for me, even if it is a doodle.
I did the same with my pics on fb. If it was just of her I deleted it, but if it had my kiddos in it I just hid them from everyone. I'm not really on fb much but getting it cleaned up was like taking an entire space in my brain and dumping it out. It felt good.
My D is final in Oct. When I was in the army we would say x number of days and a wake up. Well I have 76 days and a wake up. My official day of a new life....it is going to be an adventure.
What do I need to do to stop thinking about my divorce and her. Jessica you have hurt me and I want the space you occupy in my mind back. I do not want you to be in my head any more. I am angry. Not to the point to seeing red or not being able to function but man I am angry. I am angry that Gabriel isn’t able to express how he feels. He just knows something is wrong and I want to take that from him. God please ease Gabriel’s mind, allow me the ability to discern his trouble and ease him of his stress.
Can I be better? God give me the path to be a better man. Break me down and build me back up. Give me the strength to become what I need to be and the ability to start a new path, I do not want to continue on the path that I am on.
Anxiety just hit me out of no where. It has been a few weeks since I felt like this. I don't know why it just hit me. This is frustrating.
I have this desire to call her and just talk to her. I miss her voice. I don't want to call her I feel weak, really weak.
Brobafet, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. It sneaks up on me too.
Maybe you can start doodling to try to take your mind off of it?
I understand the urge to call, but even you know that it won't make you feel better.
Sweet,
I didn't call her. Thank God. It would have just served her ego and crushed mine. I don't know why but leading up to yesterday all I could do was think about her. It made me want to hear her voice. It also gave me anxiety. I ended up having two meetings back to back yesterday and that got my mind off of everything.
Today is a way better day. I have been in a positive mindset all morning.
Weniki,
I've been trying what you suggested this entire week. Here is what I notice. When I pray and concentrate on that spot then open my eyes, stress seems to float away from there. Does that make sense?
I've been praying. A TON. I know I cannot control her actions but it really bothers me that she already has someone else and my kids have met him. It bothers me to think that I may not find another person. Right now I am in a place where I'm floating. I want a better future but I think of the past. I am lonely and I really miss being intimate with someone and I feel as though I will be alone, and for a while but it has only been two months and I know I shouldn't be thinking of being with another person but I do.
This suuuucks.
Dropped off the kids on sunday. God how it kills me to leave them and know that I cannot control a thing when they are away from me. stbx was still in pj's and laying on the couch when we walked in...at 11am.
Overall had a better weekend. Up and down but not too up and not too down.
X and I dont really communicate at all. It sorta kills me. Someone who I would tell everything to now gives a rats a about me. I just wish I could have someone to tell things to and have them actually care and comfort me.
I can totally understand how your feeling. My X and I don't communicate at all. My S was visiting before college starts these past 2 weeks and my D lives with me (she is disabled from a car accident now 22). I live in FL and S and X live in OH, although OW lives in MN. Go figure.
Someone who I shared just everything about our lives together is completely gone. He shares it all with OW now. And he still will text or call to update kids on his "wonderfully new happy life!"
Even sending pictures of his recent fishing trip (w OW of course). BTW he spends probably 6 days a year with his kids. His choice. Be the better Dad and continue being there for your kids.
I hate that I don't have anyone now either who I always thought cared about me. It's strange to go from him being my husband to now being nothing...dead actually.
This place has been great to help me detatch. After I have a bad day or feeling axiety I come here to just read. Read and learn and know that you're ok.
Live4myDay,
Thanks for the encouragement. I just feel ripped in half right now. I don't know what it is. I was feeling better but now I'm back in a rut. Every thought contains a memory or feeling of her and it just tears me apart. It doesn't help that I'm sensitive as hell....
journaling:
I’m screaming inside my head, brokenness is my constant feeling. I want to get out of my body and become someone new. I do not like myself, i do not feel any worth. I do not want to feel sorry for myself. Why is this destroying me. I am sad. So very very sad. You’ve torn me in two and I dont know how to get that back. I pray to God but I don’t know if I’m not hearing him. I know he is there but I do not feel him. I never thought I would be here when I was younger and you’ve brought me to this place. I want to be me. I want to be happy. Oh my God!!! Please take this from me. I need strength. I need you Lord bring me peace. Take my hurt and anger and sadness. Take my despair.
You are not alone. Many of us are going through the same thing. I feel for you. I think everything you are feeling is very normal. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers. I read the same advice you do with similar effectiveness. In the end, maybe it just takes time. I guess we will find out.
You asked in an earlier post about a book that would help. I got tremendous support from "How to act right when your spouse acts wrong". Since I filed, I stopped re-reading it. Maybe I need to start again; even if she will no longer be my spouse.
I will say a prayer for you tonight.
The effectiveness part of it is key and so is time. That is what I am told a lot. Time, time Time TIME TIME.
Yeah, I know...I get it, but I don't. This is really fresh, I'm in two months, and blindsided twice now (second time in 3 years). I thought things were good. She constantly told me that she loved me. We argued but it was petty arguments. Then my sister found these texts to OM and the foundation I thought we were rebuilding crumbled. She moved out (we were living with my parents and getting ready to move to our own apartment). She was gone less than two weeks, her attitude changed, her tone changed, fathers day went by and she didn't want to spend it with me. The next weekend she dropped the bomb on me. WTF?!?!
Rock, thanks for checking in on me. I'll find the book you mentioned.
I'm going to go out tonight and talk to a girl that I saw bar-tendering a few weeks ago. I'm not expecting anything just want to get out there and do something new. Meeting new people isn't something I'm very good at. I usually meet new people through people I already know.
Is this a bad idea? Should I wait longer? I don't want to be sitting at home tonight wishing I had.
Went out on friday night with friends and talked to the the bartender. I got her phone number.....step one complete.
Dear Broba,
You'll be OK.
Trust me.
You will.
Those of us who come here/came here usually had the worst situations: we never saw it coming; cheated on; just had kids, etc. We also probably had the completely wrong connection.
We don't control the other person.
Dependency makes division hard. Work on enjoying being alone and using the time to grow. The one thing I can't say gets better is that, although I've adapted to having less time with my kids, I will never adjust to the loss of time with them. I will say though that NOW, when I am with them, I am alone with them without conflict. The method to combat this is to develop a working relationship with your ex. As she wants to date more, she will find YOU to be a great place to leave them. It behooves you to build this working relationship for the well-being of your kids. It's not about you....your soon to be ex...or the settlement. It's about the emotional well-being of the kids. Remember, they love both parents (I haven't read all your sitch).
Believe in yourself. Be in the moment with your kids. Stop everything you are doing, look at them and LISTEN. Take your daughter to get her nails done and tell your son, someday, that 'tough times don't last but tough people do'. Start being the type of man that you would want your daughter to trust and never be shy to put your arm around your son and give him a kiss. I see a boy on my son's baseball team kiss his dad after games and hug him. For a divorced father, it's a powerful thing to see. Fortunately, I have that, too, with MY son. Build it.
Strength and honor (you'd have to WAY back to my thread to see where THAT came from). Chin up.
FIB
Brobafet: This is very hard work. I am feeling better, but it takes a long time. I can say the one turning point for me was finding a book in a stack of books my DIL was reading. I saw the title (Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery
By Chögyam Trungpa) and was intrigued. I picked up the book and flipped it open. It opened on the passage speaking about the title. It said to smile at fear then step on it.
And so I have done. I have plastered a smile on my face and kept on stepping through the pain and heartache. If you stick that smile on your face for long enough it will sink into your brain. Really, it will. I got several other books like that one, and each night before I went to bed I would read a chapter, then ponder it when I went to sleep. It helped me a lot. I am at a funny point where I should go back to that practice.
Hang in there and know things will get better.
Dear Broba,
You'll be OK.
Trust me.
You will.
Those of us who come here/came here usually had the worst situations: we never saw it coming; cheated on; just had kids, etc. We also probably had the completely wrong connection.
We don't control the other person.
Dependency makes division hard. Work on enjoying being alone and using the time to grow. The one thing I can't say gets better is that, although I've adapted to having less time with my kids, I will never adjust to the loss of time with them. I will say though that NOW, when I am with them, I am alone with them without conflict. The method to combat this is to develop a working relationship with your ex. As she wants to date more, she will find YOU to be a great place to leave them. It behooves you to build this working relationship for the well-being of your kids. It's not about you....your soon to be ex...or the settlement. It's about the emotional well-being of the kids. Remember, they love both parents (I haven't read all your sitch).
Believe in yourself. Be in the moment with your kids. Stop everything you are doing, look at them and LISTEN. Take your daughter to get her nails done and tell your son, someday, that 'tough times don't last but tough people do'. Start being the type of man that you would want your daughter to trust and never be shy to put your arm around your son and give him a kiss. I see a boy on my son's baseball team kiss his dad after games and hug him. For a divorced father, it's a powerful thing to see. Fortunately, I have that, too, with MY son. Build it.
Strength and honor (you'd have to WAY back to my thread to see where THAT came from). Chin up.
FIB
FIB,
Thank you for your post. I am developing a relationship with my kids that is growing stronger each day. I like the idea of taking my daughter out to get her nails done that is a good idea. I hug my son and kiss him every chance I get, it isn't something that I am shy about and was never shy to do with my parents when I was growing up. He is one to cuddle and walk up to me at random times and just want a hug. My son is very emotional, cries at random times and then doesn't know why he is crying. He is 6. He doesn't really understand why he feels the way he does. I constantly ask him to talk to me and just sit with me.
I am developing a working relationship with their mother. Right now it is harder because she is far away and I'm driving to both pick up and drop off my kids each weekend. I'll be moving in two weeks and then commuting to work.
I know it isn't about me but it is good to be reminded thank you. I for sure know that I cannot control her and I'm entering a state of zen when thinking about this. Which I don't that often any more. Her life is hers, and unfortunately it is mirroring that of her mothers (who btw is manipulative and has always put herself first).
I am working each day to just be myself, gain confidence, and be there for my kids. I wont be perfect each day but modeling the man I would want my daughter to be with and my son to become is something that I truly want and for that FIB I thank you for reminding me about.
It said to smile at fear then step on it.
And so I have done. I have plastered a smile on my face and kept on stepping through the pain and heartache. If you stick that smile on your face for long enough it will sink into your brain. Really, it will. I got several other books like that one, and each night before I went to bed I would read a chapter, then ponder it when I went to sleep. It helped me a lot. I am at a funny point where I should go back to that practice.
Hang in there and know things will get better.
Wendy,
You rock, thanks for the encouraging words. A smile is appearing more often on my face than a few weeks ago. I think I will starting doing the same, reading a chapter a night. I have a gigantic book called Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce I must get through it and re-read it.
I found a book and based on its cover I picked it up its called You are a Bada$s, I read a quote on the back, it had something to do with Star Wars (huge nerd for Star Wars) it was funny and made me laugh out loud in the book store. So I thought if the back cover could do that at a time where humor, smiles, and just feeling good about myself was rare, i should by it.
I cant really read the relationship type books, besides I know where I went wrong, and I know where she went wrong. I don't need to be reminded and seek to repair my relationship with xW I know that it is dead.
I have my relationship with God, my family and my friends who listen to me, and help me move along and not feel sorry for myself.
I really hope that things are going good for you Wendy. Step on that fear!
Okay in light of everything that is going on I found out last night that xW is indeed seeing someone else......and she is "in love with him"
Meeting him I'm guessing is what spurred I want a divorce. Which I know she met him about a week before she dropped bomb.
When my friend told me this (she is still in contact with xW) it upset me, but didn't surprise me. It is history repeating itself. I just want to be done with this. I want to escape her lies, and teach my children to see those lies. I don't know what to do other than vent here, vent with family, and try to step back onto my track. I don't want this news to make me back slide. It is running through my head but I'm not devastated by the news. I knew it was coming, I suspected, it just got confirmed though.
Please pray for me.
Awhh. Sorry to hear that. I had the same thing happen to me. denied anything the whole time seperated and just wanted out. Couldn't take living with me any longer.
Lawyer told me there's someone else to be prepared. I stood up for him. My family couldn't believe it either. Sure enough it came out 3 months after divorce was final.
Devestating even though I sorta knew. he denied denied denied and changed history. He still is with her after 3 years.
I don't know which hurts more... he left because he couldn't stand being with me anylonger or that he left for someone else.
Either way he is gone. The stab wound will heal over. But will always hurt.
Make a comeback is what my daughter keeps telling me. Working on it.
Stay strong. Prayers for you.
Did you ever pick up that book I recommended?
Hi Bro,
funny how these things keep repeating themselves in different sitches
Okay in light of everything that is going on I found out last night that xW is indeed seeing someone else......and she is "in love with him"
Meeting him I'm guessing is what spurred I want a divorce. Which I know she met him about a week before she dropped bomb.
My W dropped the D bomb when she started sleeping with her OM, her soul mate.
Dude all I can offer is a big man hug and say you me and others like us will get through this and survive and prosper.
We will get to the point of not caring about xW when we meet our new soul mates but unfortunately for us that is some way down the line.
Take care and look after yourself.
Lanzo
L4MD,
I'm healing, slowly. It didn't really surprise me just hurt that my assumptions were true. I haven't really been motivated to do much other than come to work, and play with my kids. I need to do more. It'll help
Rock,
No not yet, Tonight or tomorrow I"m going to the store to find it.
Lanzo,
Thank you. I need the hug. It is upsetting because I have a fear that she'll be moving in with him and his two kids. If she does that means that I'll have to break my now new lease, move back to my home town and generally try not to become bitter because she is a manipulative #%#%#%$%#@!@##$%$
Journaling;
Why do I let you occupy my mind so much? You’ve done nothing but hurt me, destroy me. You are a terrible person and I don’t know why I let you control my thoughts. You’ve found another person (which I knew about) and you are in love with him? What do you know of love other than your self serving, manipulative tactics. You are someone who is only interested in your own goals. Never reciprocating the love that I gave to you. You are someone that I found so easy to love, to take care of, to speak to and you threw it all away? I want to be free of you. I backslide and I am tired of it. I see you or hear your voice and it tears me to shreds. I’m moving away from all of my support. You are selfish, you are spiteful and I don’t know my worth. Why can I not stop thinking about you? I am not going to allow this to happen to me any more. This is my last post that I will ever make about how I allow you to occupy my mind. I will not allow the pain to continue. I will find myself, I will be better.
Hey Bro,
I hit this point last week, it’s agony, its rock bottom, it’s the depths of despair, but there is still depth beneath us if we allow ourselves to sink. But if we get a grip on ourselves the only way is up.
This is my last post that I will ever make about how I allow you to occupy my mind. I will not allow the pain to continue. I will find myself, I will be better.
You having this mind set and keeping to it will help you move forward. I am also using the fact that I am going to progress this D rather than just let it happen to me as a motivator. I am taking back some control over the D and control of my life, I am taking positive action with a positive attitude.
W and OM are not my business now, I am progressing things to get her out of my life asap. You like me was probably thinking, hoping for a last minute miracle, but it aint going to happen, so we have to do what it takes to maintain our sanity, and carve out our future.
Your last posts echoed my feelings exactly, but we have to let it go and create a new mindset, new strategy , new whatever is it that helps us move forward.
We are still on a long and rocky road, but we will make it to the end make no mistake about that.
Stay strong bro
Lanzo
Lazo,
Thank you for replying. Yes I'm pretty low right now. I WAS letting it eat away at me. I AM not going to let it any more. I move to the city she moved in two weeks. I'll have my own space, with nothing about the place reminding me of her. I'm ready to get out of the goo of limbo and start living my life again.
I don't need her and your right W and OM are not my business. It is time to find the mind set, my lost values and start applying them to my life again.
It is supposed to "eat away at you". This is how normal people react. The death of your marriage is a tragedy.
You can say "I AM not going to let it anymore, but Working through the grief will take time.
Don't beat yourself up for being human.
Rock,
I'm not beating myself up. I was at a really really REALLY low point. I just don't want to keep coming here and repeating the same thing over and over again. I want to be posting my goals and how I'm changing my life. Not missing the one that is now dead. I made a huge mistake yesterday and asked xW about new man, it destroyed me. I can't do that to myself any more. I'm seriously putting my hand in the door way and letting it slam. I'm making the conscious decision to not let this bring me down any lower. I will let the emotions run their course and embrace them.
Bro, been watching your post.
My X finally got a facebook and like a train wreck I had to look... I don't know if i'm in some unreality fog or if I truly faced reality. Not seen pictures of them together before so i think i did pretty good when i actually saw them.
Its been 3 years with separation and divorce. I cant imagine facing my X and actually asking him about OW. Hurts no matter what. Found it kinda pathetic actually. Amazing the things he can do with her now since we had so much holding us back...kids commitments, community, church, softball, high school, etc.
And the comments from people... people i thought were my friends who have been more loyal to him in this whole affair. Like no biggie. You guys look great!
I atleast have no contact even though D lives with me and I care for her 24/7.
I just need to jump off that bridge and see theres an amazing life for me somewhere too!
Cried tonite too and thought, just let it out. Let God do with it what he will. Maybe he's answering my X prayers too. Hes happy at least he seems. Oh well maybe ill be better tmrw.
Well get to the other side.
Hi Bro,
I made a huge mistake yesterday and asked xW about new man, it destroyed me.
Don’t feel bad up about this, I went ahead and found out about OM, I know some of his background, I’ve seen pictures of W and OM together, I’ve even seen their video, all very distasteful . However as painful as all this was, it confirmed to me that W and I have no future, she’s picked a loser, a person just as broken as she is, they are welcomed to each other now.
Any how without seeing these things I would still be holding out hope that something would change and we could still be together, not a chance of that now.
I recently hit a low point so I can relate to where you are, worst of all it came as I was driving over the motorway suspension bridge, you would not believe the thought that came into my head and D12 was in the car with me as well. Well once that passed I said to my self no more, I’ve got to move forward, I’ve got to move up, which is where I am heading now. All the mess around me is the same but I’ve changed my mindset, I’m not gonna let this beat me down.
So I am moving on with no doubts, no regrets, just some sadness which will pass, it’s not the path I would have chosen but it is the one that is in front of me. Once you get a grip and are able to let go of W mentally, it starts to change, also change comes with you being positive about yourself, I started by buying a new pair of jeans and its snowballed from there. You too will find your trigger or inspiration which will help you move on.
Peace and calm be with you
Lanzo
Bro, been watching your post.
My X finally got a facebook and like a train wreck I had to look... I don't know if i'm in some unreality fog or if I truly faced reality. Not seen pictures of them together before so i think i did pretty good when i actually saw them.
Its been 3 years with separation and divorce. I cant imagine facing my X and actually asking him about OW. Hurts no matter what. Found it kinda pathetic actually. Amazing the things he can do with her now since we had so much holding us back...kids commitments, community, church, softball, high school, etc.
And the comments from people... people i thought were my friends who have been more loyal to him in this whole affair. Like no biggie. You guys look great!
I atleast have no contact even though D lives with me and I care for her 24/7.
I just need to jump off that bridge and see theres an amazing life for me somewhere too!
Cried tonite too and thought, just let it out. Let God do with it what he will. Maybe he's answering my X prayers too. Hes happy at least he seems. Oh well maybe ill be better tmrw.
Well get to the other side.
L4MD,
Oi I know how you feel, xW new man isn't much of a catch and other than him "listening to her, and doing things with out her asking" he doesn't have [censored] on me. He is a manager of an autoparts store, been divorced two years and has two children. She says she is in love with him. I don't believe she knows what love is. They'll get to do amazing thing together also, but guess what, it doesn't mean [censored], they'll never know true love they'll never know what it is to be truly committed to someone else. My kids will know that I am the rock to rest against, they'll know I'm here and that along with your situation and your children is the amazing thing!
Like your H my W is more focused on him than our children and it is evident. My kids especially my D(10) have to be confused I just dont know what questions to ask them to help them through this. I talk to them but they don't really have much to say about their, our current situation. I'm worried that this behavior from W will be something my daughter will see is okay.
I know this is tough and you are three years out. We can heal, we can become better. Most importantly we can and will forgive. I cannot continue to torture myself and either can you. Take that leap, hell I'll do it with you. We can find our happiness. I'm praying for you!!
Hi Bro,
Don’t feel bad up about this, I went ahead and found out about OM, I know some of his background, I’ve seen pictures of W and OM together, I’ve even seen their video, all very distasteful . However as painful as all this was, it confirmed to me that W and I have no future, she’s picked a loser, a person just as broken as she is, they are welcomed to each other now.
Any how without seeing these things I would still be holding out hope that something would change and we could still be together, not a chance of that now.
I recently hit a low point so I can relate to where you are, worst of all it came as I was driving over the motorway suspension bridge, you would not believe the thought that came into my head and D12 was in the car with me as well. Well once that passed I said to my self no more, I’ve got to move forward, I’ve got to move up, which is where I am heading now. All the mess around me is the same but I’ve changed my mindset, I’m not gonna let this beat me down.
So I am moving on with no doubts, no regrets, just some sadness which will pass, it’s not the path I would have chosen but it is the one that is in front of me. Once you get a grip and are able to let go of W mentally, it starts to change, also change comes with you being positive about yourself, I started by buying a new pair of jeans and its snowballed from there. You too will find your trigger or inspiration which will help you move on.
Peace and calm be with you
Lanzo
Lanzo,
Not beating myself up any more, took about a day to let it go. Like you my W new OM doesn't have anything on me. He is broken, and chasing after a woman who isn't even divorced yet. They have one thing in common, well two, he likes to buy her [censored] and she loves getting [censored] for free. Her love language is acts of service and gifts. Blech, I did so much for her, the only thing I didn't do was move her down to her home town, which I am now forced to move to. Its a dump. I hate it. The entire town is just crap.
I like you am no longer holding out hope, I haven't been for a while, since I first found out about this new guy. I realized that she is only in it for herself, she is selfish, and it shows by her actions and introducing our children to him.
The sadness will pass, and we will heal, while they will continue to put a band aid on it and just be the same people. They are the lowest of the low and will not rise. I want to forgive her and I know I can.
Lanzo thank you for taking the time post. I'm praying for you.
[quote=Live4myDay]
I know this is tough and you are three years out. We can heal, we can become better. Most importantly we can and will forgive. I cannot continue to torture myself and either can you. Take that leap, hell I'll do it with you. We can find our happiness. I'm praying for you!!
Absolutely! Words well said. It just amazes me how in our society divorce is looked upon as similar to a bad flu. The belief seems to be that everyone gets it and you just get over it. Yet, in mine and others experiences on this BB, it's one of the most devastating things that can ever happen to a person next to losing a child. It stays with you and leaves deep scars...but, that said, God has made his creatures both adaptable and rescilient (sp?) and we can re-build. Am I over it? I dunno. Sometimes it just jumps up and bites you in the butt again...but, in time we will all heal if we chose to. Hang in there!
Absolutely! Words well said. It just amazes me how in our society divorce is looked upon as similar to a bad flu. The belief seems to be that everyone gets it and you just get over it. Yet, in mine and others experiences on this BB, it's one of the most devastating things that can ever happen to a person next to losing a child. It stays with you and leaves deep scars...but, that said, God has made his creatures both adaptable and rescilient (sp?) and we can re-build. Am I over it? I dunno. Sometimes it just jumps up and bites you in the butt again...but, in time we will all heal if we chose to. Hang in there!
It drives me nuts that it is so common and no one bats an eye about it. How complete the devastation of a Divorce, and cheating is felt, and the fact that my W doesn't and wont allow herself to feel this, it is easier to find a new man and that is "happiness" to her. I know it will probably creep up on me and bite me but I hope that when it does I can deal with it and swat it away. I know I'm not over it (obviously) but it will come. I'm embracing it rather than trying to grab it squeeze it and force it away. It will be a slow process and I'm excepting that now. I will feel all that I have to feel in order to be healed.
Just remember, we have a choice. I've seen people who won't let go and wallow in their victimhood. Their lives suuck! Somehow, they feel that letting go means excusing and they aren't gonna do that no matter what! So feel what you need to, we all do, but allow the healing and that can come through forgiveness. People would sometimes say to me "how can you forgive her for what she's done to you?" and I reply "When I go before the Lord I can tell Him everything I did to save the marriage. What she says before Him is between her and Him. It's no longer my problem. I leave it in God's hands" and I do. My life ain't no bowl of cherries but I look at her and think "I'd rather be me!"
Whatisis,
Oh how much I'm trying to do this. I am a victim, I was abused, I didn't deserve it. Her anger is hers now, I will not condone it. I will not wallow in it. I will embrace it. Bring it to me and let it remold me to the person I want to be. I'm healing. My mind is not screaming right now. I know it can be but that is only if I allow it. God has me in his hands and I'll take comfort in his love and strength.
Release it! After a brief discussion with a pastor friend he told me it still tortures and pains me so much because when we marry two become one. And that I havent fully releasd it into God's hands. Detatch and let them go. Let God heal you.
I know words that sounds so easy. When my D was fighting for her life that night in hospital after her horrific accident, i knew what ever happened it was in God's hands that there was nothing i could do but pray.
The divorce has been harder for me than that night. And I can see why. Inever let go to God. I'm afraid to let him go completely. TRUST. I have to trust that God is bigger than any man in my life.
It really helped me tonite to reach out and accept what my friend was telling me. Cry say goodbye. be loving, hand them over as if handing a new born over to it's mother. Release with love and not hate.
Have faith stay strong in your God. My D hd traumatic brain injury along with spinal cord injury...she has completely healed from brain injury! That is what I prayed for...to have her back..her spirit her soul her essence of the amazing child of God.
It's a long journey through divorce...we can do this hold on tight!!
L4MD,
I am trying to. I haven't been honest with myself. I'm not okay, and I'm honestly tired of telling people that I am. I'm torn and you're right I feel as though I am ripped in half, I was one with her. I haven't released her. I want to but God I miss her.
I've been praying a new prayer, one that focuses on forgiveness.
I'm going to continue to pray this and memorize it.
Can anyone tell me if my xW decides to move after we just enrolled our children into school, neither of us has primary residence. Can she take them out of school move in with OM and change schools without my consent?
I don't believe so. What were the terms of your D?
Not divorced yet. Just curious. Thank you Mr. Bond
Then get legal representation and start drafting an agreement. You don't want her to just take the kids before anything legal has taken place.
I honestly think she is waiting till we are divorced. Which would make me waste a lot of money and time moving to be closer to my kids.
Either way, YOU have to be the one to dictate the terms. If you don't, you'll be amazed at what your W will try to get away with.
I am doing what I can. I cannot afford a lawyer. I know what she'll try to get away with because I've called her out on it. I am just worried that she will do it because "she's their mother". It is convoluted whose situation isn't, right?
Thank you for taking the time to reply Bond
God this [censored], there are so many unknowns.