Hey Everybody! I have missed our conversations and many of you have been in my thoughts as we survive the Big D!
A brief synopsis: My husband, not ex, that sounds weird, and I were together almost ten years with two little kids. He had a midlife crisis and he cheated and became verbally abusive. He almost died in a horrible accident and the family had to nurse him back for almost a year.
My dating life: Ugh, I have spent the past few years with two different alcoholic single dads who have had promiscuous pasts that they had trouble giving up. Even though my ex-husband cheated, he was never that bad. So, out of the fire and into the frying pan.
Divorce Busting: The funny thing is, I knew after his accident and after I had moved on that we could be back together. I just no longer wanted it. But, I also know that I cannot upgrade from him. Nobody gets me the way he did. Nobody loves hearing stories about the kids,and my work, and my family the way he did.
Sigh. My heart has been broken lately. By both my ex-husband and my last lover of three years.
I'm not sure what mistakes I am making. but I do know that what I learned from DB has realy helped me. I remember to Act As If, Stay Positive, Work Out, I always try to remember that feeling when that person absolutely did love me. I knwo a happy partner is hard to leave. It really works!! Both my exes saw me as happy and even after their affairs wanted me back. But, I had already moved on. That is the tragic part. the timing is off. My latest failed attempt at a relationship was most difficult because of the fact that we are both single parents who could not commit emotionally. Thank you all soooo much for reading. I am feeling really beat down by love right now.
Have you figured out WHY you've been picking these guys? Promiscuous alcoholics? What made you look at them and think "Now, THERE'S a good idea"?
You've got to get to the bottom of that before you go back out dating again. Why are you sabotaging yourself in this way?
After MY divorce, I dated a string of unavailable guys. Emotionally Love Avoidant types, or else just way way too young. At first I thought it was just the luck of the draw, but now I see that those guys were attractive to me because, after the trauma of my divorce, I didn't really WANT a full-fledged relationship. Those guys were "safe" because they were guaranteed not to ask more from me than I was prepared to give.
What do you think is behind your choices?
I completely agree that this can not be a coincidence and that I am also an emotionally unavailable person. I made it my goal to date because I was used to saying no to men. Maybe I was used to being married? Then I got seduced by some very interesting and younger and attractive men. They were not ready. Neither was I and I got really hurt. I do not see any signs that they were hurt but they keep coming back. I have been pretty much alone since my separation. Just casual dating and the friends with benefit which is almost like an affair. I feel like I cannot go backwards and I cannot move forward. Even though my divorce was finalized on my birthday, ouch. I still act like I am entitled to romance and marriage. I honestly thought that I had fallen in love. I must be wrong. I am doubtful now. Does that make sense? I just feel that I was supposed to grow old with the man I married and I did not need to date anymore. Ugh. Thank you for reading!
Good morning. I need to be here because it keeps me sane. Facebook is such a damaging place. It is shallow and too easy to snoop. I have tried not to snoop but I notice that a lot of what I post is a message to my ex-lover. For example, I try to validate that I am a good mother, that others find me funny and pretty. Pics of concerts and games I go too and the interesting people I meet, etc. It all seems so contrived now. I just need it to end. The saddest part is that I can tell that he is picking up on these messages. He doesn't really communicate with me anymore. He just responds. And I feel like the message I have put out is that I do not need anyone and I meet a lot of interesting men. I've never been disloyal to anyone. I can see now it is a cry for attention for a man who has gone into ignore mode. My ex-husband is actually blocked. He cannot see anything and he is never really on social media. If I have learned anything from my ex's affairs t is that snooping and social media is very damaging.
Father's Day is coming up and I noticed that my ex-husband only wants to spend it with the kids without me. We have spent holidays as a joint family which included his parents and my brother's family. Now I see that he is reallly ready to have me out of his life. He even removed his tattoo of my name which really hurts!! I am going to work out and take the kids to see Superman. It has been rough because I feel like I am getting dumped by two men! My ex-husband and my ex-lover who would never be my boyfriend. Ouch!! OK. I need to move on.
Each day is getting better since my relapse in depression. I have only experienced situational depression, so I find exercise, friends, journaling, movies all help me. I do stop eating and smoke more. I know that is very bad, but it feels like 10 minutes of sanity in a minefield. I still miss being in love even though it was an agonizing love. I made a list of the great loves and loves lost in my life. I realized that even the men that claimed to love me the most turned out to betray me in the end. I guess I have been attracted to very interesting passionate men who are also disloyal and noncommittal. Ugh. It is hard for me to settle down with a nice guy that is boring. Are all the interesting men taken?
Why does "nice guy" have to mean boring? A man can be "nice"... and interesting and passionate too!
Of course, I just figured they were all taken by now or damaged. I am not a college aged gal anymore. The last man I dated was several years younger than me but he has baggage. He was educated, sexy, beautiful. We could talk about books, movies, traveling. He is gone. My ex husband and I were also intellectually compatible. He always supported my dreams and ambitions in film and education. So, this brings me to last night. The conversation I had with a nice man. He asked me if I preferred Poison or Motley Crue, his favorite bands. I said I was much more into different types of music, not so much hair bands from the 80's. He looked at me like I was an alien and asked me about comic books. This was cute for a while, but I knew I could not be interested in this person even though he was a nice guy. It does get lonely. I am not attracted to non committal men on purpose. I want them to be loyal. It is something wrong with me. I am lacking emotional commitment. I was married. I thought that was enough. I was wrong.
You passed on a nice comic book afficiendo, tsk tsk!
Seriously though, we are often attracted to what we know. It's comforting, even though it may not be healthy. You know how to play the game with non-committal kinds of guys and you get to be the victim when it all goes bad. It may be fear of intimacy on your part as well. You date non-committal unavailable guys you don't have to worry about giving your heart and unexpectedly having it ripped out again down the road. This way, you know where it's heading before it starts. Just food for thought.
Thank you for your feedback. Your observations are exactly true.
I truly do not want to move on with someone new. i do not believe there are plenty of fish in the sea. I feel like a fish that is going extinct. I feel like my numbers are getting limited. Something about my personality will not allow me to date online or date someone who is not funny.
I am just not like other women who grab a hold onto a man for dear life.
I work in my family pub and I see it every night. Sometimes, I envy those women.
How is it that you cannot date online? He had to be funny, I get that though lol. I initially felt that way about online dating too. My co-workers convinced me to try it and I actually began to really enjoy it...aside from the stress of being judged or rejected etc., that is but you have that anytime you date. You have access to lots of people who are there for the same reasons (well, mostly anyway) you are, they want to meet somebody! Now, that said, online dating is a very visual thing and you are competing with a ton of other people, that can be intimidating. Women have to wade through wads of messages from jerks or "hey, check my profile". But, like anything it takes effort and yes, you may have to leave your comfort zone. Don't write it off because you're cutting off a major opportunity to meet men. Again, just food for thought.
It was my New Year's Resolution to dat in 2012. I had a lot of fun and finally started saying "yes" to men who have always had things for me. because of my work and being single I do get asked out a lot and I also get set up a lot. But, I never really dated. I didn't date either of my exes. Those relationships were that friendship on fire cliches. I guess I keep waiting for that. No more.
My obsessive fantasy is what I will do if my ex-unboyfriend comes back. I am trying everything in my power not to snoop.
The not dating thing is really stuck in my head. We were like really close friends who overcame some obstacles and fell in love. We never really dated. Because of the friendship, I never admitted the crush. I never said I like you, I love you, I think you are hot.
I heard this new girl said these things when she met him at a party. he was flattered. So, I know how this goes. it is not who she is but how she makes him feel.
I know we had this great chemistry, but we had a rocky start. i can't get over the being supplanted part.
It feels different than when my ex-husband and I split up. The weird thing was back then I had hope. Somehow, I convinced myself I would be better off and that I would fall in love again. That feeling of carrying on and having hope was always in me as I DBed.
Now, I feel hopeless. Maybe because I fell in love when I did not expect it. I am still in love. And I have kept it a secret for years even though we have been together.
The sad thought I cling to is that he can take her to a baseball game and drive. I always drove because he knew he wanted to drink. So she is seeing a sober well behaved man. He can also take her out in public. I kept us a secret passed midnight. Sigh. It was like an affair. I wasn't ashamed of him, well...I just needed privacy. I am looking back at my mistakes wonderinghow I lost my second chance at love.
It is heartbreaking because I severely doubt anyone gets three chances!
It is heartbreaking because I severely doubt anyone gets three chances!
Are you kidding me? There are BILLIONS of people on this planet. You have UNLIMITED chances to fall in love!
Your problem is not scarcity, it's the mindset that is causing you to seek out unsuitable people who don't offer what you deserve. [i][/i]Please read that book He's Scared She's Scared - I'm pretty sure you'll find something in there to relate to.
I sooo need to read that! THANK U AGAIN!
I know that this is a site for Saving the Marriage but I am now at the point of surviving the dating experience post divorce.
A tiny step today. Today I woke up and he was NOT the first thing I thought about! For months, years, he was the last person I fantasized about and the first thought I woke up to.
So little distractions and DBing will help me even though he was not the man I divorced. He was the man I was too scared to move on with.
I am still comparing every person the my ex-husband. I look at history and movies, and pop-culture and wonder how other first wives have moved on?
I feel this compulsion to upgrade. It is very shallow. I know.
I married the funniest, sweetest man I had ever met. He worshipped me. Gave me two babies. He lost his job, got depressed, and fell in love with a young poor orphan woman. Sad.
Then, I dated the wealthiest man in our county. Trust fund baby. Philanderer. He still asks me to marry him but I'm done. I DBed with him, too.
Then, I became friends with benefits with the tallest man in the room who was the most educated man I have ever been with. 6'5 alcoholic. Amazing sex. Never had the conversation. This lasted three years. He has moved on. I am lost. I know this one still loves me. It just did not work out. His drinking, my motherhood status.
Last, I started hanging out with a semi-famous composer. I did not kiss him. We are just experiencing music together. He is not interested in me.
Yet, I see this pattern. Besides, my ex-h, they really do not care or really know me. I have intimacy issues.
I am scared! lol I need to read that book. I ma getting exhausted.
Are you thinking too much? I'm a professional thinkaholic. I can drive myself crazy analyzing and trying to prevent disaster. Sometimes when you're like that life drives right by and you're too busy to see it 'cuz you're fixated on trying to understand it. Just a thought.
Wow, I notice a lot of us are on a five year hiatus! Is that the normal cycle for DBers??
Here is a list of rebound and break up books on Goodreads.
http://www.goodreads.com/list/show/33245.Rebound_Books_After_a_Break_Up#480479It has been a few weeks and I am still in a rut with my exL, so I need to confess some embarrassing numbers:
It has been 6 months since I have had sex. I know a lot of us have had worse dry spells, but that really [censored] because we were really hot and heavy.
6 months since he initiated calling me.
5 months since we kissed and saw each other naked- not real sex
4 months since we held hands and really looked into each others' eyes- we fought thereafter-he insulted me-no more communication
2 months since he put his arm around me, visited me, sat with me, acted interested in me- then his friend hit on me- I was really confused by this interaction? Was he passing me off or did he get jealous? Was it a coincidence, a cruel joke, a test, or just a misunderstanding?
6 weeks since he texted me to see where I was at the baseball game- I got a glimmer of hope- but then he introduced me to the woman he was dating-the woman he said he had no interest in because she was nice but not hot and was going through a divorce with two kids- how cruel to even tell me that
The worst part of this timeline is how he fed me crumbs and I kept taking less and less until he really knocked it into me that I was not the woman for him.
And I miss him? Why? It has been even longer since he told me he loved me or that I was beautiful. He gave me so little. What am I missing?
Did you read that book yet???