X demands full custody...I'm engaged, Pt 3: Court?

The emodocon says it all.

Great weekend W/DS. I took him back to X's place (to avoid a scene such as what happened at C's to protect DS). It's complicated because there are things at X's home he needs for school tomorrow.

X texts me: "DS loves his new sporting equipment"(that I helped him acquire today). I can only assume she's trying to "make nice" about what she intends to become the new normal.

I did not respond.

I miss my kids. So far I have avoided unpleasantries to protect my children from the experience. Another session with C (the adults) is scheduled for Monday.

I am not happy about the little contact I have had with my children over the past month. I saw both of them them yesterday but DD hasn't stayed overnight with me for a month, DS has been with me only two nights.

I feel I must weigh the potential emotional damage of court proceedings against any possibly benefit to the welfare of my children. I miss them. They tell me they miss me. What degree of that is the unavoidable product of divorce and divided custody and what is the result of recent changes in physical custody? What is best for them?

Sleeper, if they miss you and are saying that, you need more time together, I'd say.

X and I had session with C today. Early in I stated I had decided to NOT take legal action I don't want to put my kids through that as I didn't six years ago. I think I saw the "big picture" this weekend. Interestingly, C says kid's greatest concern is X and I "fighting".

It's a mess.

Yes. The C began the session with a "goal" that X and I find some say to work things out without going to court. I learned today X has begun to see the C on her own in individual sessions as well.

I thought I knew what was going on but now I'm not so sure. I do know my marriage is a major life changing event for my kids, probably the biggest since X and I divorced. DS can't remember our divorce, DD barely can. Part of me thinks I should have prepared them better for this but on the other hand there were no issues a year ago and the blended family seemed already blended.

The kids are still with her. I see this as an adult problem. The kids hate the fact X and I are fighting (their position since DD was 7 and DS was 5).

Yes, she has made things more difficult for everyone, thinking only of herself.

"When elephants battle, the ants suffer."

Sleeper,
You made me realize that I might run into problems w/X once I remarry. (With that said, he is so passive and depressive I'd be surprised if he had that much fight in him.)

I think you're doing the right thing trying to work it out w/C. For one, you might save a ton of money. For another, maybe your X will calm down and think more about the kids and maybe get her head straightened. And you might, too. In all seriousness, you might learn things about yourself that could help you going forward.

I seem to be having epiphanies lately averaging one per weekend...

I realized today after the counseling session with my DD she is having a mid-life crisis. Not a true mid-life crisis but the first crisis you're supposed to have when you're a teenager. The one some of our (X)spouses repeated later at mid-life.

It's all there...Life altering event (my engagement to fianc� and DD becoming a "woman" the same month. Anger at the one she loves the most (me, she always was a major "daddy's girl"). The "alien possession" I don't know who she is anymore, stretching the truth, changing makeup styles daily, coldness towards me, says things for shock value to test my reaction. New friends (my X, they act like two teenagers). Avoidance behaviors: Reads constantly (2-3 books weekly, says it takes her to another place). Has become materialistic, likes to shop, complained today that I don't take her on trips. Running away instead of facing issues (she ran from me and now lives with her mother by her choice and support of X). Oh and "boy crazy" (X's words describing her). Did I say boundary testing?

Sound familiar, anyone?

At least there's the silver lining of knowing what to do in this dark cloud.

Nothing.

Oh there's two. She's acting just like X did 7 years ago so I recognize the behaviors.

I don't think it's a crisis but very typical teen girl behavior. Get used to it. She will be like that for a few years. Just continue to love & support her. Be firm when necessary. She will come around in time.

Barb

Yep, sounds like a teen to me. Perhaps some of her changes, issues seem magnified due to the other stuff going on but otherwise, she is finding her way. This isn't going to end overnight. Hang in there.

kat

"Patient".....My DD has not slept in my home in 6 weeks, my DS has only twice during that period of time. I now feel I'm losing my son too, if for no other reason than lack of contact (C says DS is following along with decisions/actions of older DD, like the little brother he is).

Something must change or this will become the new normal.

Perhaps you ought to get an enforceable custody agreement. There is no need to fight with XW or involve the kids. It is a legal matter. Allow the courts and lawyers to handle it. My guess is that little will change as long as you allow XW to do whatever she wants to do.

Any court action (ie custody agreement enforcement) will trigger response by X who has made clear she will demand a full psyc evaluation of all parties involved. Two L's and a C have commented this is the first thing a court will require anyway.

DD is having a teenager fit. The tail is wagging the dog. I am trying to make choices that are the least traumatic for the kids involved.

One more C session scheduled.

Time will tell.

just because she asks for a psych eval doesn't mean it will be granted and so what if it is?

let the psychiatric tests PROVE that you are sane and she is nutty

Sleeper,
I think you're wise to work w. counselor but perhaps you should consider the legal side as well. It sounds as if you need an enforceable agreement.

Otherwise you're setting off on rocky territory w/a new marriage.

Do you have a date set for wedding?

We have had a marriage date (June 9) for about 9 months. I find it interesting this all happened about 8 weeks prior to the wedding (someone trying to interfere, Or just shrewd timing to get the children for herself?) We are going forward with the wedding.

Attempting major summary:

Kid's end of school year ceremonies today, both X and fianc� present. Called immediately afterward (she had both kids so I answered) immediately began diatribe about fianc� being "disrespectful" to DD. Examples: walking in front of DD, not paying attention when DD was on stage (I kid you not). I pointed out fianc� brought FLOWERS for DD and gave them to DD.

I have concluded the entire issue is X's jealousy of fianc�.

I'm a guy, don't get it.

Ladies input would be appreciated.

AGREED!

I think she never thought you would be with anyone else. Possibly just sitting around pining for her the rest of her life. I think it throws the ex for a real loop to see you happy again and with someone else to boot.

I am sorry that all of her insecurities are causing so much pain to so many. Perhaps things arent so great in her new marriage as she is so focused on hurting you.

kat

Kat nailed it, I think. She's losing her Plan B.

Some thoughts:

(1) You have no idea why XW is acting as she is. It is probably a good idea not to personalize it or take it as an attack on you. My own *guess* would be that she is upset thinking of her children having a stepmother and she feels scared and insecure. In reaction, she's choosing a fight rather than flight response. We don't seem to think that LBS's who freak out about an ex-spouses impending marriage and new step-parents entering the mix are out to hurt the ex-spouse and wanting the ex-spouse to stay lonely and miserable. Why put that stuff on XW?

(2) The lack of reasonable boundaries between you and XW is very inappropriate. You can't control XW, but you can choose how you interact with her. You can insist on texting and emails except for emergencies. And, texting 911 for emergencies is often more effective than a phone call. So, there is little, if any, reason for you to take XW's calls. There was zero reason for you to engage with XW and participate in the fight. "This conversation is inappropriate, bye."

(3) If I were your fiancee, I'd put things on hold until you are no longer enmeshed with W and you are able to set and enforce healthy boundaries in all your relationships and get to a healthy place of how to handle custody.

(4) If your XW made those statements about fiancee when your kids could hear, write it down. That is damaging to the children.

(5) Why are you unwilling to go through a psych evaluation?

You seem to be kind of all over the place on the custody stuff and in a pretty reactive mode in general. Focus on yourself.

Right on OT

Well in the meantime X's husband has taken my DD out of state (two states away) without anyone asking my permission or informing me. I found out when I learned DD didn't report to school and started texting DD. She (DD) returned my text with a phone call and told me where she is.

And the reason you choose not to get a legally enforceable custody agreement is....?

I am in the middle of planning a wedding, not to mention other requirements of joining two households, blending a family. I was told 4-6 weeks until the first court date which if I acted then would have been 1-2 weeks before wedding. Not sure if the timing of X taking kids was blind luck or brilliance on her part. The court order she is violating still stands. I can take legal action.

sleeper...

you need to get an enforceable court order and not one with vague boundaries

the court order will only be enforceable in civil court (not criminal) but at least it will be something

you can put it off as long as you want but stop acting shocked that your perceived rights are being trounced on.

A judge will also ask you why you waited this long to try to get an enforceable order...and your response will be because you were planning a wedding?

No, I have been trying to work this out in counseling with her. We've been seeing the same C together and separately, my last session was this past Monday.(first session April 25).

"I don't want to go to another Counselor. They don't do anything.". DS, 2013

I'm beginning to agree with him.

Sleeper, I wouldn't defend your fianc�es behavior to xw. Tell her you will not discuss fianc�e with her

Jealousy? Some but also anxiety about step parent. Remember how you felt when omh walked into picture.

Forward,

I've been dating fianc� for 4.5 years (2 years after separation and 7 months after D was final). My kids have been around fianc� and her kids for FOUR YEARS.

I have made a choice to spare my and X's children the drama of legal proceedings (for now). Counselor thinks my choice is "wise" and this is a tempest in a teacup. I opined I am getting tired of doing the right thing and getting screwed for my choice.

It didn't have to be this way. It really didn't.

DS and I spent last evening together by going to arcade and a movie. I called him to touch base and he was just sitting at X's business in her office. I suggested we do something together and picked him up. He spent night at my house and was at fiance's house with me most of day today while I was painting.

He comes to me at fiance's house and says, "I gotta go, OMH is picking me up." "When", I asked.
"He's here now", DS responded.
I looked out the window and OMH was indeed parked n the street in front of fiance's house. I noted DS's speech became very robotic. He answered further questions with one word responses, "yes, no," left the house and got into vehicle with OMH and DD.

I asked fianc� and she noticed the change in DS's demeanor.

It seems to me that your son isn't seeing anything change or at least not changing fast enough with counseling. I get that you don't want to hurt your kids but your ex continues to go against a court order without any real consequences. Who is suffering? Your kids and you. Food for thought.

kat

Crazy week.

My mother's health has taken a downturn. She will be 91 in July and I got a call first part of the week from nurse at the nursing home. I visited her and she's OK but weak.

I learned Friday, DD was refusing to be in the wedding. Her dress bought months ago and I thought was a dive deal. I spent the day with her yesterday and she changed her mind. I'm picking he'd and her brother up in a few.

Wedding is at 4:00.

Congratulation on your wedding Sleeper. I hope everyone enjoys your and your wife to be happy day.

Happy wedding!!

Wishing you & your new wife much happiness. Don't give up on the counselors. Blended families take a lot of work. Hope the kids can be happy for you too.

Barb

I hope you have a perfect wedding day with your new family!!

Sleeper, My DD is also refusing to be in wedding. I am working on her gently.

Read up on Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Thanks All, Wedding went well.

I spent the day prior to the wedding with DD. She needed shoes so we spent the day shopping (X never took her although X requested the dress be at her house a week prior to wedding to prepare and shop for shoes). I had taken DS shopping for his shoes two days prior. We had a great time. I bought her a total of three pair of shoes (scored major points) and also went to lunch a shopped for costume jewelry, unrelated to wedding.

Both DS and DS attended wedding and had a blast. DD even helped decorate my vehicle.

Wedding was picture perfect. Wife's parents live on 200 acres of rural property. They built a rustic Cazebo in the yard with their pond as a background. I hung a chandelier from the Cazebo that wife ordered. Country bar be que was served under the pavilion after the ceremony. A line of thunderstorms threatened, preventing some from attending but split as it approached the area. It rained to the north and south but not where where we were until the ceremony was over and we were eating under the pavilion.

My dear wife made both the brides and grooms cakes including hand sculpting the cake topper of two bluebirds. I did not see them until after ghe wedding and i was blown away.....OK, I admit she is an artist and I am massively proud of her.

Drama moment was when DD and wife's daughter disagreed about what would be written on vehicle. Wife's daughter erased what DD and another bride 's maid had written on vehicle and it was "on". DD said, "This is why I will never live in the same house with her." There is much "alpha female sibling rivalry/princess syndrome" issues at play. I actually felt good observing this as it will resolve itself as they mature (IMHO).

On the reality check side I picked up my father's day gift from my kids today. We spent the afternoon of Father's Day together but they left the gift at X's. There was a food item included and DS remarked, "You can take them with you and share them with your family."......ouch. I hugged him and told him, "You are my family."

I'm spending the day with DS tomorrow. I'm also making a counseling appointment with the C they are currently seeing and we saw before wedding.

Sleeper,

Congrats!

Perhaps you'd like to change the status below your signature from "engaged" to "married!"

That'd be a nice touch end to your sitch.

My mother passed away Friday night. Her birthday was Wednesday, two days before. She was 91 and had been in a nursing home for about a year. Her health began to decline about three months ago.

My X and my mother had a stormy relationship while we were married. X has done a "rewrite" of history to some degree and mom mellowed towards her with time, health issues and age. I cannot help but feel some resentment toward X as the struggle over our children this past year has at times consumed me and distracted me from mother. I could never bring myself to tell my mother what X has done and that the children no longer lived with me. Mother lived with myself and the children for a few months before I decided I could not care for her and her safety was in danger in my home (fell twice, wandered away from home twice and some dementia).

Presently the children live with X 100% of the time and therefore did not see my mother as much as they would have if they lived with me 50% of the time as they previously did. I have chosen the counseling route and not to pursue court action at this time. Counselor believes this was the right choice and that the damage done by an ugly court battle (things got ugly enough already) would be much greater than any benefit that might be realized.

How do you tell an X they are not welcome at a funeral? I can see her acting all sincere in her caring and as if she has done nothing to bring me or my family pain this past year. There is also the potential for a "scene" between her and some of the other extended family members who are angry and have been hurt by her actions.

It has been a rough year with many changes.

I am tired.

Dear Sleeper,

I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you work it out so your X causes the least amount of disruption. Maybe attend visiting hours at a different time? Or ask them to schedule her to come in before or after the family is there. I'm sure the funeral home will work it out.

Aloha,

Wendy

Sleeper,
I am sorry to read that your mother passed away. I agree w/Wendy, i.e., speak w/the funeral home director and advise him/her of the situation and they can usually arrange visitation at different times for those who are not "really" welcome. They are use to doing things such as this.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks. Today is my birthday. I just realized its the first one I've had without my mother.

I always find birthdays to be funny/odd days. Do something nice for yourself. Even if it is just scoring your free birthday meal from Denny's.......

Happy Birthday! I hope that you are doing something special today. Even though your mother has crossed to the other side, she's still looking down w/a huge smile on her face.

Hi Sleeper!

Happy Birthday. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it this year but there will be other times to celebrate.

I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. It is never easy no matter how old she is. I think it's good you prevented her from lowing a lot of the bad things. Better for her.

I lost my own Mom a few years back while things were very bad with my ex. I told my dad how much I didn't want him at the funeral. My dad told me that every person should be free to extend their sympathy in whatever way they saw fit. Everyone would be made to feel welcome. I came to understand this.

My ex chose NOT to attend (out of guilt I expect) but he was torn apart. He did send all of. S sympathy cards & made a donation to Mom's church. That was decent.

Please focus on your on grief & that of your family. Your ex does not deserve any of your attention or time right now.

Take care of yourself & know that we care.

Barb

Sleeper, how are you doing?