My STBX had me served at work 27 months ago and moved out of the house that night, and into his Girlfriends house. He has not moved the divorce forward at all in this time.
Monday afternoon I received a message from him pretty much saying he made a mistake, he has regrets and he wants to know if he screwed it up so bad that our marriage is unrecoverable" ?
I am shocked and speechless !
He sent another message saying he is moving out and temporarily moving in with his mother. He wants to do counseling and whatever it takes and eventually renew our vows.
I don't even know what to think or feel at this time. I have not started dating in this time although I was getting ready to put myself out there.
I have been working myself these past 2 years i started running. Doing 5k and 10k's making new friends.
So confused right now.
Shelby,
WOW! Although this happened to me once (only after 3 months) and others I know of.
The problem is that this usually happens immediately after the breakup with the affair partner. He does not want to be alone. But he NEEDS to be alone in order to sort out his feelings and realize what caused him to leave in the first place and also what this has done to you.
You must be so conflicted. But you are also in the driver's seat. Do you think you would consider taking him back if he were serious about the counselling and followed through? Do you really think you could get past it? How would this affect your daughters? And what if he came home but left again? (A real possibility).
My ex broke up with his affair partner at the 3 month mark. He moved back home. My kids (teenagers) were NOT thrilled. They had been devestated by his departure but felt that they had no say in his return. That he had apologized to me but not to them. They did not want the divorce at all but felt they should have been part of the counselling upon his return.
At the 2 year mark I was just starting to get over him. I might have taken him back but not without a lot of work on both of our parts.
So - how do you REALLY feel about the thought of him returning?
Barb
Wow, mine returned for 18 months because of his mistake.... I still think I let him move back in to quickly. My disclaimer to that was we did Gottman counseling and after 3 months "they" thought and he thought he was ready. It was right after his break up with his soul mate too. Looking back I should have insisted that he stayed out of the house longer.
I really wanted my family restored and really at the end of the day ...it would have ended either earlier or sooner. Mine is still in MLC.
My advice, sit back and see if he works on himself or starts spinning again if you don't jump at the chance. That will show what he really wants.
It's a hard place to be in emotionally for sure for you. Just don't be in a hurry to decide anything....
Yeah Shelby - not the only story like this I've read here on the boards.
Some thoughts for you:
1) This MIGHT be a false start. He could be having a fight with OW, they might make up tomorrow and he would be saying "oh, forget I said all that". So I would take all this with a HUGE grain of salt until you've seen evidence that they are really over.
2) Your kids don't need the pain of a temporary reconciliation, so I'd keep this out of their consciousness until you're convinced things are for real.
3) Tempting though it might be to take him back again, trust me - you don't want him back unless he's DONE THE WORK. Step back and make a list of what it would take for you to truly trust him again. What does that look like? (A year of dating with him living separate? Total transparency on his phone and internet accounts? You witnessing him sending a letter to OW telling HER he was wrong to get involved with her and he loves you and wants you back? Him going to alcohol rehab or counseling?) Whatever it is you think you would need, don't settle for less. If you take him back too easily he will never do the hard work of fixing his problems, and you'll just end up back in this same situation in a few years.
4) It's OKAY if you don't want him back. If your response is "God, no, I don't want to do this, I was finally looking forward to my own life" you are certainly entitled to make that decision at this point. The damage to your kids has already been done and won't necessarily be repaired by you guys reconciling at this point. So if you need dispensation to say "no" - dispensation granted.
Ellie
Hi Shelby,
I am new to the Divorced fold, but your post made me think about how I would react if my x ever made moves to reconcile. I think Kml especially has given some sage advice. I sounds like you are in the drivers seat here, and can afford to put some real thought into how you want to handle it. When you parted, was it on decent terms, somewhat amicable, or accrimonious? Curious? Either way, sounds like a potential postive!!
Gunny
Thanks Everyone,
I needed to hear your opinions and advice.
I plan on taking this very very slow. He could just be feeding me the lines he thinks I want to hear. And although these are things I wanted to hear years ago. Now I need to see it, not just hear it. He has to prove it. He didn't want to work on the marriage before he left even though I tried. I need to see that he is willing to do the work not just hear him say it.
I haven't said anything to my girls. My oldest is still angry towards him from leaving and the way he did it.
Whatever happens this will take a long time to figure out and honestly i dont know if he would be up for the work, he wasn't before. I'm just going to sit back and see if I see that he is willing to prove himself and do the work.
Counseling would be a first step and honestly we probably could use it even if we don't get back together.
Thank you again. Any other opinions/ advice Is greatly appreciated.
like 25 mlc says. he needs to show change+consistency= change we can believe in. Keep living a good life
He usually comes up and visits the girls on Thursdays, by taking them out to dinner. He just sent out a group text to all of us saying he won't be up tonight he will come tomorrow night so he can watch my youngest play her game and then take us all out to dinner including mommy.
Not sure how to take it. Like I said I'm very confused right now. LOL !
* I'm glad he will be able to see her play her game. I know she will like that.
* should he have asked if I was available first ?
* I always wanted a take charge kind of guy, so should I just go with it ?
Just confused how to handle this.
In the last 24 months we have probably gone out for dinner, all of us, maybe 3-4 times. So it wouldn't be the first time but definitely not the normal thing either.
Ugh !!
I would think that he should not have assumemd that you would be available, could be partly ego driven on his part that he expects you to be just available, and whether or not he was a control type of person during your marriage would also figure into my opinion.
Having said that, the bottom line is would showing any displeasure visavis him not asking your availability serve your long term goal, whatever that is? Its a cost/benefit type question. Hope a guys opinion here helps,
Gunny
Guard your heart. I would really hate for you to open back up to him only to have him walk out and crush you all over again. I have a friend who has been divorced for a few years and out of the blue her X texted her telling her he broke up with his GF and wanted to get back together. In her case it was a no-brainer to ignore him because he physically and emotionally abused her and had continued the emotional abuse even after the D. Two days later she found out he was back with the GF.
I'm not saying not to give it a try, but be very, very careful not to open yourself up to being hurt again. I'd keep that wall up until you see real signs that he's serious about this, and then only take it down a brick at a time.
Anotherstander,
Thank you ! I am definitely going to do that. Guard my heart.
And I like that " Only take it down one brick at a time "
I think I will let him know that
While dinner with the girls is nice. I hope he understand's that I still do not know what any of this means....if anything at all.
STBX came up Friday to watch our daughters game. Afterwards the 4 of us went out to dinner. It was a nice casual time. No pressure.
He spent the night at his moms, She lives 5 minutes away from my home. He moved an hour away with his GF. He spent the night there and came over Saturday to do house work that needs to be done. I thought he might also have spent the night at his moms to talk to her about moving in with her, but I don't know if he did or not. We didn't get any personal talk in and she hasn't mentioned anything to me either.
The Girls and I are going over to her house for dinner tonight. Curious if she will mention anything to me or if he even said anything to her about moving in with her.
Still very confused. I know I just have to sit back and watch and see what happens.
I feel better coming here and just expressing my thoughts. Thank you.
You know what...getting that message from him has really thrown me for a loop this past week. I need to keep on doing my thing.
I don't think you should get too excited. This is the third (?) time he's wanting to come back. As everyone says, he has to work on himself, and until he has done that, and also realized the utter damage he has caused you and your girls, there will never be a clean comeback. Calm down and step outside the loop he's thrown you in (ha!), and as you say, keep doing your own thing. Imagine that he didn't send the email, and go from there.
ditto above... do NOT be the one setting up C visits, talking R, etc etc... I tried so hard to "make" ex fix our R when he came back after he broke up with then-ow. He came back because he felt lonely, I was what was left. He never worked hard to win my affection, I was the one waiting for a bone, like a puppy, waiting for him to like me, putting up rules for him to stay away from ow, etc etc. He has to fight and work hard to get you back, otherwise it is a lost battle. I pray for the best for you hon, you've been through enough.
After I saw your post, I read some of your old threads. Have you read them again.
It might help you get some perspective.
I understand your ambivalence.