Been posting in newcomers for almost a year. Our divorce is well under way. Going to court July 19th for economic mediation and August 7th for child custody mediation. I have decided to buy the house from W. She doesn't want it. Today it's being assessed so I can get a mortgage. Money is gonna be tight will see how it goes. One issue is custody. My D will be 16 this year. In NJ she gets to decide where she spends most of her time, if I understood that correctly. My L asked when did I want to close on the place. I said ASAP. Hoping W will move out. This living together but separate really has been hard.
Hi Rick,
Welcome to our corner of the world. I have been here FOREVER! I just hang around to see how everyone is doing and periodically complain about my ex.
Sounds like you have pretty good legal counsel and that's a biggie!
I had a friend here who was separated but still living in the same house. It was REALLY difficult for him. I hope your assessment goes well so you can get the mortgage and get her moved out. If you have the house - it will likely increase your chance of your D wanting to stay with you but have you asked her what she wants to do? It is SO hard on the kids. My 3 stayed with me but then - their dad didn't want them so there was no choice to make. And they did not want to meet OW (still DON'T).
The $ stuff usually works out ok in the end although no one really gets richer. It is a bit tight for a while. I stressed in the beginning but it settled down over time once I had a budget figured out.
Good luck with it all and keep us posted.
Barb
Buying the house from W may be a good idea in this market, but be careful you don't get in over your head just because you're attached to the house.
If you haven't had economic mediation yet, how can you know if you can afford the house? What if you get hit with a very large alimony payment, for instance? Will you have enough money left over to handle any emergency house repairs? How old is the roof/water heater/etc?
I'm just trying to caution you to look at it objectively, as if you were buying a new house, and make sure you're not getting in over your head for sentimental reasons.
If you keep the house, can you get a roommate to help with expenses?
Sorry you are here, I know it's very difficult - but it gets better. Honest.
Thanks for the input guys. That is exactly why I needed to move over here where the experience exists. I do have very good friends that I met on this BB and who have gone through this and are educating me.
The house is paid for and all included will costs about the same as if I rented a place. The house is only 9 years old so things are pretty good. W will be paying me for alimony she makes much more than I do. She will pay for about 8 years. That was decided in out 1st court hearing. Not a lot but enough to offset child support. If my D stays with me most of the time I may get child support also. I can get a room mate but I will wait and see how the money goes. I can aslo get a part time job.
Yeap this has been very hard but I got me here now is time to come out on the other side.
How are you coming on your own GAL stuff then? I forget - did you go to AA or some similar program? What are your career goals? Personal goals?
Tough as it seems - divorce can be a real opportunity for self-improvement and reinvention, if you will only take advantage of it.
Hey rick,
Just checking in. Sounds like you are getting down to the wire on this thing. Are you sure you are not going to have any problems staying in the old place with all its memories? Everyone is different on this, just curious.
Hope you are holding up well in this weather, have you been out flying lately?
KML- I have some career goals but not in a rush to change right now. But i do have some plans. I went to an IC for about 6 months and that went ok. My social life is pretty good, TBH some weekends I just collapse from doing stuff. The one thing that I'm working on is connecting with my D and being a better father. Never realized how uninvolved I was until this happened. Allways left her school and other things up to W. Not because I didn't want to be involved it just caused friction between us. We have different views as to how to raise her. So that is a main focus.
Gunny- I will be ok staying in the house. I will make it mine and dress it up like I want so. I'm exited bout that. I think it will be good for my D to have a stable place that she knows. yeap I fly when I can but it's been too hot. And yes the D is coming to the wire. I thought we would have been divorced and her gone by now. But nope we still in the house and I don't think she even knows when or where she is going. Last year when all this happened she had a realtor and was utting the place on the market. But she has slowed down. Good hearing from you
Tomorrow we have economic mediation. Kind of nervous about it. The house was assessed last week and waiting to hear if I'm being approved. Somethings u may not know.
W continues to cook dinner and serves me. Wish I could post some pics. She stopped making breakfast. And about 3 weeks ago she moved into the guest room after 1 year on the couch? She walks into the MBR to shower. I sleep in the nude. That bothers me.
I don't think she has looked for a place. Sunday I asked her for nookie. She didn't like that. But I just had to. Lol
Hey Rick,
Thanks for checking in, good to see you are keeping your sense of humor!!
Economic mediation tomorrow. Pray for us guys.
Economic mediation is done. I get no alimony and she gets no child support. My D because of age decides where to stay. I keep the house she has a tentative move out date of 8/31. Next court date some time in August for the actual divorce. 15 minutes they said. I guess it went well but still feel sad?
(((Rick1963))) you have a good attitude and you're a great guy. Some things just make no sense.
Hi Rick,
I think it went well. I think you know better where you stand - limbo [censored] and the fear of the unknown.
But this is not something you are going to feel good about. It IS sad. But there will be better days ahead. Much better. Trust me.
Barb
my prayers are out for you rick!!
It's OK to be sad cuz it is sad. But, that said, when it's all final you'll also feel a huge sense of relief. You're almost there!
Rick1963,
I have not posted in a while but am now caught up with your sitch and I am so sorry about how things are turning out. None of this makes any sense and who knows if it ever will.
All I can say right now is that your W is a fool.
We are here to listen if you feel like posting can help you process your feelings better at this time...
(((hugs)))
hi rick - just stopped by to say i'm sorry and i really hope that you are doing okay and then slowly better and better than okay until you get to great.
big hug
zig
I'm doing ok Zig and KG. I am supposed to get ExW of my cell phone plan and ezpass by 8/1 as agreed last week. Not sure what is stopping me. The land line phones were not working. So I change all the batteries and were now functioning. But I'm planning on cancelling that also once she moves out. Don't really need it since I use my cell for everything. I also have to cancel her email account. I'm thinking of sending her an email giving her a heads up that this is coming. These are the finishing touches I guess. Most bills have been transferred into my name except the ones were we need to be fully divorced, such as car registrations and insurances.
I hated that part -- the disconnecting of lives.
So my refinance was approved. Guess I should be happy. W should be moving out soon. With her goes my D, dogs and many other things. Gonna experience some changes soon. But I will be ok. She needs to go and get what she is searching for. I know he has a plan so I have let go and feeling better everyday. Weird stuff.
Hey Rick,
Continuing to watch your sitch. We are in the lazy hazy crazy days of summer, seems like activity has slowed. Continue to hang in there, your attitude about letting go should serve you well,
So my L sent me an email saying that we will be divorced on 8/28/12. I informed W about this since I knew it before her. I thanked her for a wonderfull 20 plus years and she thanked me back. She actually had a smile. She again cooked dinner and served me. So very weird.
Oh not the dreaded Aug 28???? That was the day my own marriage went bust. (H got arrested for DUI, held in jail & later I learned about the affair)> Weird day.
You will survive. You will recover. You will thrive!
Barb
That has to be strange. We separated well before the D and I made sure I was a couple of hours away on the day it was finalized. We never and probably will never did the "thanks for the memories talk."
Pretty soon that day will come and go and you won't even remember what that day meant. Ok it takes a few years for that to happen. Biggest thing is don't expect to just jump into dating. Take some time to heal, get to being good on your own. Be there for your daughter, she will have waves of being fine and waves of not being so good. You got this!
kat
Pretty soon that day will come and go and you won't even remember what that day meant. Ok it takes a few years for that to happen. Biggest thing is don't expect to just jump into dating. Take some time to heal, get to being good on your own. Be there for your daughter, she will have waves of being fine and waves of not being so good. You got this!
kat
I don't agree that healing is getting used to being totally on your own. Having some non stressful dates with people that like you will speed along the process.
Hey Rick
Just popped in to say 'Sup and know this bro.... YOU WILL BE OKAY Man!
Sorry about the D.
Peace
Eric
Hey Rick, I didn't know you were over here.
I'll stop by occasionally to harass you and we can talk of horses and bowties.
Aww thanks Bugsy but u know how I feel about those thingys. moving here was a way to admit the reality and I'm becoming ok with it. It kind of pushed me to face the outcome and to start thinking instead of waiting and hoping. It was like weight off my shoulder. the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness needed to stop. I'm not fully over them but working on it. The GALing is so true it really helps. Hard to grasp but I have almost mastered it and feel alot better.
Rick,
You are sounding good, keep up the good work my friend!!
Rick,
You are sounding good, keep up the good work my friend!!
Last week I had to give my L another 1500$. So far this D has costs me 7500$. And there is at least one more court date. Our landline phones were not working last month. I wasn't aware of it so exw and D hit the cell phones and got 440$ bill. I asked W if she mind helping with half she got really nasty and spewed. So I just said ok no biggie. So I fixed the phones at home but will cut the service at end of month and will cut exw phone cell phone plan. Was supposed to have done this 8/1 as agreed during mediation but thought I would give her more time. For some reason I think she is trying to push my buttons. But I won't fall for it. I only have a few more weeks of this. On a good note I'm off next week and have 3 job interviews.
She can only push your buttons if you let her. Wow! Divorce is expensive. No wonder I'm still married.
Rick -
I am so sorry that your W is being unreasonable, but you are a kind and strong man - good for you to let it go. You have a great attitude in all of this. And although I can feel your pain as I read your posts, I also see strength and growth.
I am heading this way soon, and I don't know if I'll be able to post about it - it seems so painful and sad. So thank you for opening up and sharing.
Good luck on the job interviews! There is something for you to look forward to - maybe a new job. And with the house, also new opportunities to make it your own home for you and your D.
Keep your chin up!!!
(((rick)))
Thanks for the shout out Rick. Bug is right that sharp stick only hurts if they find a soft spot.
IDK if this fits, but I’ll toss this out anyway. My X still spews at every opportunity. I think it is evidence of her pain and crisis still affecting her. It isn’t about me or the person I am it is about her and the person she is. Thinking this way is a shield of sorts for me. It helps me cope and motivates me along my path toward my goals.
I just approved the draft for our divorce for next Tuesday. She will have 45 days to move out once she gets her share of the house. She should be moving by end of September. Gonna be a long month. Sad and happy. Think it's normal
Hey Guys,
My ex still spews at anyone and everyone. It started right before he left. He was one unhappy camper. All I can say is - once they're out - you CAN dodge the bullets. you don't HAVE to answer the phone or respond to a crazy text. If it's really bad - change your email.
I choose when to respond or to react to my ex. Took me a LONG time to get that. Recently he started freaking out on the hospital staff while visiting our son. Umm - in my opinion they were doing an awesome job. He does NOTHING for our son. And he told them he was also in charge. Umm - in charge of what? He's not even in charge of himself. LOL
Some of them are nuttier than others but that's the one thing the divorce can give you - separation - which is NOT always a bad thing.
Barb
Well today is the big divorce day. I signed the final yesterday and dropped it at my L's office. Don't have to be in court unless he can't get them out of the drop box. W is getting ready to be in court. She has to be there because her L is a procrastinator and didn't get the paperwork to us till last Thursday. I think I'm ok. Will update you guys later. Pray for us
I did not attend my divorce day either. Good thing as my Mother died the day before. Oy vay - what a week!
It will be over. And sad. But it will get better from here on in.
Your divorce day is the same day as my Bombiversary. 11 years for me.
Thinking of you today.
Hug your kids. That's what I did on Divorce Day. I let them know that if I had never married their dad - I would never have had them. And they are my greatest joys!
Barb
Hang in there. Thinking of you and your family today.
kat
((((rick)))),
I am thinking about you and praying for you and your family today.
We are here for you.
You will overcome this as well!
Thanks guys. It's done I'm divorced. Feeling sad and anxious but relieved. So onward with life.
Rick its funny the things we remember in our lives, I remember each day that my five girls were born in detail, I remember my weeding day and I also remember the day my divorce was final. You think we would try to forget that day and all the pain, but I see here on this board that its quite impossible. I do remember all of the wonderful meals you showed off, hopefully you can cook and take some pics of the stuff you make. Stay strong and believe me it will get better. Your journey is still ongoing my friend so stay the course. Take care Scott
((((Rick)))
I am so sorry. But you know you have the right attitude, even when it hurts like hell.
I can also understand how you may feel relieved.
Onward!
Buenas noches, Rick. I'm sending warm thoughts your way.
* I WILL NOT make a beautiful nachos joke *
* I WILL NOT make a beautiful nachos joke *
* I WILL NOT make a beautiful nachos joke *
* I WILL NOT make a beautiful nachos joke *
* I WILL NOT make a beautiful nachos joke *
* I WILL NOT make a beautiful nachos joke *
* I WILL NOT make a beautiful nachos joke *
* I WILL NOT make a beautiful nachos joke *
* I WILL NOT make a beautiful nachos joke *
* I WILL NOT make a beautiful nachos joke *
rick,
You are in my thoughts buddy
Thanks gunny and everyone else.. Exw seems very happy we had a decent convo last night about her signing the car over to me and the mortgage and so forth. She really is on a honey moon. Me still feeling depressed not sure why. Really need to stop that. It's over but my back hurts and can't get rid of it. Psychosomatic crapp I guess. have a docs appointment in 2 weeks. Guess I needed to share tonight. But I have a great weekend ahead of me. So maybe I'll post some happy stuff. She keeps cooking and serving me. That was never a requirement from me during our M? And less after being divorced. Just needed to share and I'm ok.
Last night I asked exw for the title of the car as per the divorce order, I asked that she sign and not date cause the insurance people are not sure how it works. The state gives u 7 days to do the transfer. She said no and won't give it to me till she gets the money for the house. I said that that was out of my control and she should have in a few days. Why would I be slowing that? It will be over soon. Good Lord
When you're going through a divorce - trust usually goes right out the window. Both parties think they're going to get screwed over and every single thing seems to have some motive attached to it.
Choose your battles. Be firm on the things that are absolutely necessary and negotiate that which isn't.
It will all change soon. And it will all work out.
Barb
You so right Barb hate to admit it but I have been having trust issues. I'm not like that usually. I had the insurance man call her and educate her. She signed the title over. Told her we should be closing on the house in a week so she can move. She stopped smiling.
I didn't trust my ex at the time at all. Still don't really.
But keep it businesslike - that's the best you can do. And you can't get in trouble that way.
Barb
Hi Rick, I'm joining you here!
Welcome Brit. See u been busy on your thread already. Lol
W has been packing and throwing stuff away. It kind of bothers me because I don't know what she is throwing away. I have never been attached to any material things so it's not time to start now. That I keep telling myself. I know she is not a mean and spiteful person so I have to stop worrying. Right now I have 4 things left to do. Get her off my health insurance, cancel her phone/email, finish switching the car into my name, and close on the house. It took 3 days to get car insurance. How silly?
Roll with it, Rico Sauve, you can do this.
I misspelled suave, but you get it.
So much "housekeeping" stuff to do, you will get it all done hope it doesn't stress you out too much. Worrying about what she's taking might be a need to control. I remember being worried about what H was taking and then later thinking was I really concerned about a souvinier beach towel?
Me cause a stir? What ever do you mean? LOL after my initial bull in a china shop approach i'm hoping to blend in in my new forum home.
hello hello.
the still making dinner thing throws me off. as for your D.. has she decided whether she will stay w/ you or your STBX?
Whaddya up to tonight, Rico?
bit of GAL?
Do we have a d-day of when she's actually moving out? I'd like to plan a virtual party. LOL
So while exw was cooking and serving me dinner I got an email stating I will close on the house this Friday. I told her about it and right away she made it about herself and that she will have to redo her mortgage application and get anew rate and blah blah blah. it is always about her. Few more weeks.
Hey Rick, I think we married the same person! Hang in there...a few more weeks. When it's done you'll feel relief, I know I did.
Don't let her take the can opener!
LOL - taking cooking classes could be wonderful in many ways & you could meet some very lovely people too! We would all love to come to one of your dinner parties!
Barb
Lmao I used to be a professional cook. So I'm not worried about food. But I'll take u guys up on an LBS bbq. So many of us it would be fun. Lemme know
Ps whatiss I have can openers but not many wine openers. Gotta keep and eye on her. Lol
You host the party - I'll bring the wine opener.
Actually - in the old DB days - we use to have real parties (and virtual ones). I met MANY DBers in Tampa and Chicago as well as a few closer to my home (Canada). That was before the privacy rules.
Barb
Just skype me in from the UK! LOL
You're on a countdown....you'll get there!
You host the party - I'll bring the wine opener.
Actually - in the old DB days - we use to have real parties (and virtual ones). I met MANY DBers in Tampa and Chicago as well as a few closer to my home (Canada). That was before the privacy rules.
Barb
Wow, what a supportive environment for such a unique group.
So this morning I drove my princess to school. I tell her I have a craving for a steak. She says cook it and I'll have dinner with you. Left work early and picked up some NY ribeye. As I was serving us I offered exw some of it. Even when things were good she would have said noooo. I said do u want some steak? She said yes it smells good and took most it. Left me with the bones. I like bones this is sooooo weird. She hates BBQ meat? I dunno. Should I start cutting?
Depends on what you're cutting.
Like a borderline my arms. Lol
Don't offer her your food again.
When does she move?
It never ends I need Xanax or cyinide can't do this any longer. The cutting thing I forget most won't understand. It's a mental health joke. The cyinide thing too but not the xanax. That's for real. Lol
Yes, not everyone speaks (oh man, I almost screwed up big time)your language.
So last night my mortgage guy calls at 9pm to tell me exw needs to be at closing today at 2 pm. And this am he text me that I need a certified check for 1700$. Yesterday noon time he tells me all i need is an id. Needless to say I was about to explode as I used to. But I got to talk my buddy Mach. So everything is a go for today. I apologized to her for short notice. I need this to happen so she can move.
Rick: Good for you. Keep crossing the things off your list. You will be done in no time and moving fwd.
Good luck today!
Barb
Yes, not everyone speaks (oh man, I almost screwed up big time)your language.
Not everyone or not anyone?
(((rick)))
Hang in there! The closing on the house is a huge step towards the finish line. Congrats on that.
Count me in for the virtual celebration when she finally moves out. Oh, and since you are a trained chef, you will have to cook for us ;-)
And I'll bring tequila for everyone...
un fuerte abrazo!
Gracias KG.
Well it's done house is mine. Exw went nutty during the closing she argued and fought the mortgage people for no reason. It took 2hrs because of her. She cried like crazy. She didn't cry when we divorced? 45 days and she has to leave.
Wow! She wanted the divorce - but I guess she just thought you'd walk away. Like most of our spouses & OP. Somehow the exes think we will just be nice and let them have everything and I know in my case - OW thought she was just going to step into my life, have my house, inherit 3 kids - her husband told me "She always wanted a daughter (well NOT mine!).
But the point is - it is DONE. The house WILL be yours. She will be gone and you can move fwd knowing you did everything you could.
Congrats for making it to the next step.
Barb
I am sure that was tough Rick. ((((((((((( ))))))))))))))
@Barb yes I think the divorce and the outcome starting to hit her.
@ Busgy she bought pizza. I was surprised and she didn't poison it.
@Grace yes it was really hard but I kept my cool and compromised where I could. She even thanked me
Today I have to change the car into my name. That's the other big thing. After that I only have two more things to do. Get her off my health insurance and cell phone plan. This is definetly coming to an end. The good thing is that for some reason I have been sleeping well for the past few days?
Rick: You are sleeping well because you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think when all those things we need to do and dread are swirling around in our heads - we can't sleep. But now you have a To Do List and a timeframe. The car thing is pretty easy.
I remember being at the point you were at - when you knew it was done and you were at peace with it (more or less). Then you can begin to live your life again. The way YOU want it.
Barb
Thanks Barb.
So house and car are under my name. Next week I remove her from my insurance. I asked exw this morning if she had a tentative move out date? She got pissy? She said I have 45 days after I get the money. I said you are guaranteed the check by next Tuesday. She didn't answer. I also asked if she got a cell phone plan? She didn't answer. I informed Her that I will eliminate her from the plan end of this month. I will compromise on the phone since she keeps buying food.
Hope I don't sound cruel but I can live with her any more. It's just too uncomfortable.
I can't imagine why she would want to stay any longer but people surprise me every day.
I haven't followed your whole sitch, Rick, but I'm worried that she might be setting you up to be the bad guy. Here she is cooking for you and you're trying to kick her out on the street...
If she's not out in 45 days, would you be able to immediately call the sheriff to escort her out or would you merely be able to start some lengthy legal eviction process?
Hang in there...
I can't imagine why she would want to stay any longer but people surprise me every day.
LABug - LOL... as is frequently the case, you are right.
Hang in there, Rick!
Rick
how's your daughter doing w/all this? Where will she go? and is she on the insurance too?
I hope your r with her gets closer. Keep communications open. Reassure her. Seriously, don't look for comfort FROM your d, give it to her.
You are the parent/adult and she needs to know you won't disappear from her life.
Sorry it went this way, but you ARE already seeing the light...good.
((( )))
Hi 25 my D seems ok. We chatted yesterday. I think W has told her not to tell me where they are moving to. I'm ok with that. My D had a key to our house and can always ask the bus driver to drop her off at home. My D will remain on my insurance and phone plan, so I will always reach her. My D was giving decision power as to where she wants to stay. Won't know untill they move. No one is talking to me about it even when I ask. Truthfully, I'm not sorry it went this way. I'm sorry that I didn't act maturely and did what my exw did, file for a divorce. Sounds nuts? But I was miserable also I just fought her to be something she was not willing or wanted to be. Live and learn.
@la I agree people surprise my all the time.
@kg gracias hope u are doing ok. I'm getting better everyday.
(((Rick)))
Why would your wife not want you to know where they are moving to? You guys have a D together. What if there is an emergency??
It's so immature of her.
Plus, it's not like you are not going to find out sooner or later anyways. (LOL)
Que cosa...
un abrazo!
Rick
I think W has told her not to tell me where they are moving to.
Mine actually did tell my children not to tell me where they were going to live. At the time my D was 9, so the fact that your D can contact you, I would not worry about it so much.
Right now, all you can do is focus on your R with your D. Call her often or send her a text just to let her know you are thinking about her. Don't overdue it though, and as hard as it may be try not to over compensate for the divorce.
Peace,
Eric
I think the address thing has to do with the Mid Life Crisis and "moving on" although that is no acceptable excuse. Many exes (including mine) did the same but when they have your child with them - no way that is acceptable.
Although, as Eric says - you can find out easily enough. Just some of the weirdness we have to deal with.
I moved away long after my ex moved out. He had never given me an address or an email when he left. I do get an occasional text these days. But he was abusive so I did not give him MY address. I do have his adult disabled son living with me. But I communicate with him and have always made my son available to him for visitation. I just want it in a public place. I think I have good reason for this. When he drinks - there is no telling what he would do. I choose to live in peace.
Barb
Hi 25 my D seems ok. We chatted yesterday. I think W has told her not to tell me where they are moving to. I'm ok with that. My D had a key to our house and can always ask the bus driver to drop her off at home. My D will remain on my insurance and phone plan, so I will always reach her. My D was giving decision power as to where she wants to stay. Won't know untill they move.
have you asked her where? Have you told your d that she can be dropped off there if she wants?
Have you assured her that she is welcome, always?
Have you discussed what life might be like with you? In other words, does she know what you offer?
The more details you provide her, the easier it is for her to envision it... (such as how her room might stay the same, or her friends, that you can drive her to school, or whatever...
My concern is that your communication sounds familiar, meaning you still don't speak up or say what's on your mind b/c you are conflict avoidant, which leads you to resentment and then eventually an explosion.
Just a concern. If there's no validity, then ignore my statement.
No one is talking to me about it even when I ask.
Then speak up for yourself and GIVE information, esp to your d. Remember, you are the parent and SHE is the one needing comfort and reassurance from you...make sense?
Truthfully, I'm not sorry it went this way. I'm sorry that I didn't act maturely and did what my exw did, file for a divorce. Sounds nuts?
Not sure what this^^ Means. I thought SHE filed..
Anyhow, how do you feel you are behaving differently now? If your d were asked, would she be able to say SHE SEES a difference in your behavior?
But I was miserable also I just fought her to be something she was not willing or wanted to be. Live and learn.
@la I agree people surprise my all the time.
@kg gracias hope u are doing ok. I'm getting better everyday.
I'm glad you are getting better everyday. Keep it up!
We don't know her reason for not giving him the address.
My H does not know where i live, and this is because I wont be able to sleep at night knowing he can turn up here in anger (provoked or unprovoked) and start making a scene and breaking things (which he did when he got angry). Although, he never really tried to find out where we live.
So, please, don't be too quick to blame her. It may be a security thing with her too.
Just saying...
Actually my understanding is, and I could be wrong, she just hasn't told him YET, She's not moving for a month, she may not know.
Good point Toni. I'm not one for making scenes hitting or breaking things. Think about this? If I was so dangerous why would she remain in the same house after almost 16 months? Her parents are only an hour away. She could always have me removed by police.
La u right she may not know if the deal on the house fell through.
25 I have told my d that this house will always be hers. It's a tradition in my family to leave our homes to our kids. She has a key to it and always will. We Spoke about it yesterday.
I'm different as I no longer interrogate her. She tells me I either agree or don't and leave at that.
She may not know. It may be an attempt to control something she isn’t in control of. I don’t think she fears something you may do.
My X has no reason to fear yet she is still attempting keep secret her address. It is a futile effort. I never went looking. Eventually her address was made available to me through her attempts to have joint bank statements forwarded. Even after I sent documents to her for her signature she is telling the kids she is safe as long as I don’t know where she lives.
Don’t waste your energy attempting to determine why she is doing what she is doing. Some of the actions people do have no basis in logic, particularly when they are in crisis.
I asked exw if she had a move out date today again. Her response " I will be out in the 45 days. There is a lot to do but I'm working on it". She is a perfectionist and will think things to death. Sadly I can no longer live like this. I informed her she will be off my insurance this Friday. I asked if she got a phone plan because I'm to get her off mine this Friday as per the divorce. She says she will work on it tomorrow. Yes I need her to move asap. And she continues to cook and serve me. I dunno it is almost over but if I don't ask about her moving out date she will take all the time in the world to make sure everything is just right. I don't have that luxury.
I think you need to stop asking her. She knows the deal. As far as the phone - same thing - you've told her more than once. I would just put the dates in writing and post it on the frig then be done with it. You cancel the cel phone plan but don't keep telling her like she is a child. You just do it and if she doesn't take care of it - that's her problem.
I would be uncomfortable having her feed me all the time when this is about to happen. But that's your call. Some separation is in order.
Barb
Rick I agree with Sun as well, maybe you can perhaps take it a step farther and tell her not to worry about fixing you dinner. this could serve as a final notice to her that you are done. I know you will have to fend for yourself in a few weeks or so, but you seemed to be confused in my opinion. Although I have been on here for a while I have never heard of your situation. Your ex to me is rubbing it in your face, and your taking it. You like the dinners and yes I saw the pics. Is she doing this out of guilt or rubbing it in your face. I know you are very strong, however this seems way over the top with her actions and words.... Are you keeping the peace in case of a R. Please stay strong my friend.
Scott
I get the impression that she is trying to find a way to be "the good guy," and try to deal with her feelings of guilt. Not sure why you are letting her feed you.
All good points guys and appreciated. I can tell you briefly what I have learned about me and exw since this happened. I am not a controlling person. But I don't like being controlled. It makes me angry when others try to control me. What I learned is that exw is a control freak. We ate what she cooked went where she wanted and did things always her way. I became resentful and got nasty, not always but that was the cycle. I think she cooks as a way to control, and she is very paranoid when I cook stuff. She does not like anyone touching her food or the stuff that will be cooked. And maybe she is trying to be the nice guy. Hard to tell. I eat what she makes because by the time I get home it's on the table. The only way to stop that it to ask her not to do it any longer.
G I don't know if she will do that. But she cooked again and I wrapped it and put it in the fridge. Made myself a grilled steak with salad. Was craving for one. And I luvs cooking, really!!!
I can't see her doing that either.
Start being nude at home all the time, Rick.
lol^^^^Bugsy. I don't think so. if she sees me naked she may want some and she can't have me.
Well the last thing to do was done today. She is off my cell phone plan. Felt really weird and kind of sad. But this is what she wants. The splitting of things is pretty difficult. One last thing is her move. With her goes my two doggies and D. Gonna miss not seen them everyday.
Sorry, Rick, that must be so difficult. ((( )))
Sorry (((((((((((((((Rick))))))))))))))
With her goes my two doggies and D.
DB101 – change how you look at things.
Your D may not see you every day and trust me I know that pain and I know it well. That said, look at is in a different light. When you do see her….the time you have will be QUALITY time. Most children prefer QUALITY over QUANTITY. Be the best dad you can be and leave the rest to God. Know that although right now it appears that you will only have her X days/times, that could change.
As for the dogs…I feel ya man. Luckly I have 50% custody of my dog.
BTW, our mutual friend Mach can tell you how to reach me.
Peace,
Eric
hey rick,
Havent talked in a while, I have joined you in the club, divorce was legal on 9-26. Pretty sad, but life must go on. Seems like you are doing pretty good, keep hanging in there buddy,
Gunny
Hey Gunny so sorry my brother. Yes haven't heard from you in a while. Tells us how you are doing.
Exw has stopped packing. She has until end of October to move out. It is making me really nuts. I think I'm in a rush for her to leave so I can see what being alone feels like. Is that crazy? It's like this band aid is being pulled ever so slowly. Part of it is my personality. I like to get things over with and move on to the next thing. Working on it. Patience is needed here right?
Rick
The desire to want her to leave and have this finally behind you is totally normal dude. YOu have been in the house together for a while and emotionally I am sure you need a break for it.
Keep doing what you need to do for you bud.
Oh as for her cooking for you...I would not say a word to her. I simply would not eat it. She'll get the hint.
Chin up dude....it does get better man!
Eric
hi Rick...thinking about you and hope you are doing better today ((((( ))))
Sorry about the D.
What Gabbysmom said, you don't have to make excuses about your dinner choices.
So I have completely stop eating her dinners and been cooking my own. Including shopping. It feels ok. She has till November 1st to move otherwise I have to go to court to have it enforced. Hate to do it but will. Need to move forward. Sounds cruel? Maybe but it is about my D and my well being.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who's relieved to hear that you're not eating her food right now. Hang in there!
No Rick it does not sound "cruel"...sounds to me like you taking control over YOUR life.
You, your D and BOTH of your well being is all that matters right now. XW made her choices...and now Rick you make yours.
God Bless,
Eric
So exw still here very little packing? Last weekend she competed in a horse show. This weekend she has another one that starts Friday and ends on Sunday. She is supposed to be out November 1st. I don't know but it's making me ill. And to top it off I have to get a new job because the department I run will be absorbed by another agency by July. I can transfer but will take a pay cut and money will be really tight. When it rains it pours. But I will make it. It is almost over. Just venting a little.
Hi Rick,
If she was given the paperwork, told and KNOWS her moving deadline - you have to let it play out. But if I were you - I'd consult with my lawyer about "WHAT IF". In case she doesn't move out. I'm sure that serving her with a legal eviction notice might be very traumatic, especially since your daughter is living with you but maybe you need to let her know that you would't want to do that but that you WILL do it if it comes to that.
Your wife may very well be delusional and believe she either won't have to move (because you would not evict her) or she is just delaying the inevitable and is in total denial about how much work it takes to move. Some people are like that. They figure - why pack? When all my friends are here on moving day - we'll get it done somehow.
Just hope she has a place lined up to go to.
Barb
I'd consult with my lawyer about "WHAT IF".
Agreed. Mine did not want to vacate the home, which I decided to rent. She dragged it out for a few months all the while I was left paying HER and the mtge. Chances are your Attny will tell you that you need to evict her. I understand how difficult that would be with your D still in the house. I suggest that you send your XW and email confirming that she is leave on said date. If that is not the case, then you will begin to charge her RENT in the amount of X dollars. Harsh - yes but also what other options do you have?
And if you need a reason as to why and efforce the agreements that she leave....here ya go..
I don't know but it's making me ill.
I can transfer but will take a pay cut and money will be really tight
Personally, I would not wait. IF you can transfer now and secure employment albeit it at a lower pay, it may make sense to do so. Remember the lower pay is only NOW...you will end up making more money in the future.
Yes you will...yes you will!
Peace,
Eric
Thanks for your advice and support guys.
I just asked exw when she will move. She said next Wednesday. I offered to take the day off and help her. She gave me the circular answer that used to gets under my skin. We talked about what she will leave and take. Looks like she's living more than we had agreed on our divorce degree. I offered to help her move stuff she said she has a moving company. I can tell she feels guilty and worries about me. I have always felt that she thought I was weak and couldn't care for myself and my family. Or maybe I felt that way about myself. I am learning me. I have always worked and pulled my own weight but dunno what she thought. She did not like that my offices didn't have windows or coffee makers. But I shouldn't have to apologize cause I love working and helping the poor and mentally I'll. I love my work and the patients.
I feel like crying and maybe that's part of the process
T But I shouldn't have to apologize cause I love working and helping the poor and mentally I'll. I love my work and the patients.
Hey, me too. Who else can say that in the course of their career they've met Jesus three times?!
Glad to hear she's moving out. As I've said before, when she's gone you'll feel a sense of relief. Yes, it's sad and there's no getting around it. Feel your feelings and remember, there's a new life ahead of you. It will be good.
But I shouldn't have to apologize cause I love working and helping the poor and mentally I'll. I love my work and the patients.
I feel like crying and maybe that's part of the process
Rick, this is beautiful. I spent a few days with old friends who are very well off moneywise (they just bought a plane) and they sort of look at me with that puppy face, you know, cocked head and quizzical expression when I talk about how much I love my job even tho the money is much less than what I could make in another setting. In 30+ years of working I've never been as happy in a job as I am now.
Sorry to hear about your job situation. I agree with Eric because it's easier to find a job when you have a job. And who knows, the next one might be even better than this one.
I wish all good things for you, my friend!
We're part of a federally qualified community health center so you know who we serve and I'm proud to be a part of that.
Rick
I offered to take the day off and help her.
Why?
She gave me the circular answer that used to gets under my skin
The fact that it does not anymore is a good thing. At somepoint you may want to NOT put yourself in the position to even get the response you got from her.
I feel like crying and maybe that's part of the process
It is part of the process. IMO, it is when what you think and feel becomes a reality.
Once she is out of the house, I suspect that you will go thru a host of emotions..all normal. Try not to get stuck in a rut of depression. I would change some stuff around the house, paint, move furniture, whatever...make it YOUR HOME...the home for YOU and YOUR D.
It will get better bro....If you allow it to.
Eric
It will get better. YMMV, I found that I needed to keep working at making it better. It should have been obvious to me, it wasn’t and I spent some time allowing myself to feel down.
I know it is important for me to feel and to sort myself out, however this time I think I began to wallow and that is never a good thing.
Hey Rick,
Checking in. I know this stuff stinks. We have your back buddy!
Exw has been packing like crazy. She is supposed to move out today. Can't help but to feel very sad. All kinds of emotions going through my head. This morning while getting ready for work exw asked if I could disconnect the washer. I said 'I thought you had a moving company"?. Her response "I don't want them to break the hoses". So I did it she thanked me. She was hovering all over the kitchen at one point she even bent over near me? I saw her just looking at me. I imagine she is sad also. So weird. Going home is gonna be hard tonite. She took all the lamps and every painting and picture you could imagine. She is an artist and has great taste. I just left for work and said nothing. There is nothing to say I wished her luck last week. I guess is going to take a while to get adjusted to this. I know I won't be alone but I guess feeling lonely will happen.
I'm so sorry, Rick ((( )))
But you will be OK. This may hurt like he!! for a while but you will get through.
I'm so sorry. Maybe it's time for a "remake" choose some pictures you like and hang them up, rearrange things how you want them etc.
((( )))
Hi Rick,
Hope today goes ok (as good as that could be). Allow yourself to grieve - it all takes time. But you will have a fresh start. You will make your home "yours" again and you will begin to rebuild.
Go easy on yourself. You won't regret being nice and doing those little things.
Barb
Naked Carmen Electra pics say u G? I will take your advice. Looks like exw staying a bit longer. She took a book self that we agreed would stay. I said I want it back. She said I kept almost everything and called me petty, told her we agreed and she screamed at me. But she accused me of being verbally abusive which i was. Only when she started it. I am remembering so many things. Me I m laid back till you push my buttons over and over than the Sicilian side takes over. So I will remain calm and maiture e till she pisses me off. Hopefully she will be gone tomorrow
She is still here. Says packing and moving is too much work. I dunno? I should help by throwing her sh!t out the window. But that would be childish. Just fantasizing ok so don't worry I'm not that nutty. Uggggg
She'll be out by the 1st, don't you think?
Did she say she was moving on Weds or she would be completely out by Weds?
Call the moving place and get her rear out! Too much work...boo hoo. So very lame. She wanted this. The divorce is done and she shouldn't be living there anymore.
If all else fails, you can let ehr know that your local law enforcement would be happy to assist her out of your home.
kat
She does have until the 1st so I can't do anything other than vent. She did say she would be out this past Wednesday. I did offer to help her pack and even carry stuff but she said nothing
Rick, I can't help but think that hanging some of your new artwork might hasten things along...
She'll get out. Hang in there.
Lol, "hang it naked." Haha
it's just some more insanity...but at least you've seen it before at work (AND at home)
hang in there and don't forget to reach out to your d. Since we can assume she'll visit you at leat now and then (--- once she sees what your wife is going to live in, your d may rush home. Don't be shocked if that happens)
so ask her if she cares if you paint her room and if so, what color (or repaint it same color if it simply needs refreshing and she likes it). The point is to remind her that it's her home and she can have input into how her part looks.
Really, I would almost expect your d to join you at the house at some point this year. Be ready.
You say you "don't interrogate" your d anymore. Any other changes or improvements in the r with her?
I can't help but think this is way more traumatic on her than we are mentioning or seeing.
I don't know 25. I have talked to my D and says she is ok. She is very much like her mother not very expressive. I have gotten phone calls from the school and discussed it with her. But no calls in last two weeks. I know she talks to the guidance counselor and I have asked for up dates. I will do my best. Our R is pretty much the same.
On another front ex is loading up her stuff. I offered to help she declined. It is pretty strange and I can't leave cause I'm waiting for a delivery. Weird times.
I don't know 25. I have talked to my D and says she is ok.
You are allowed to ask again, in a gentle AND OR funny way, maybe pretend you are excessively worried or that you "read it in a parenting magazine or 'Freaky Friday" the movie. But don't assume 1)she's just like her mom and 2) that it's healthy!
She is very much like her mother not very expressive. I have gotten phone calls from the school and discussed it with her. But no calls in last two weeks. I know she talks to the guidance counselor and I have asked for up dates. I will do my best. Our R is pretty much the same.
ever thought of just the two of YOU going to counselling? Yes your d and you?
My h had a lot of repair work to do with our kids b/c although WE were reconciled, you can't just assume the kids are alright with everything. I thought it helped but more importantly THEY did. Just a thought.
I know you have a lot on your plate for now and she'll need to time to adjust to even know "where" she is emotionally.
On another front ex is loading up her stuff. I offered to help she declined. It is pretty strange and I can't leave cause I'm waiting for a delivery. Weird times.
Good luck. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and the tunnel ain't that long anymore!
Ex moved last night. Took my D and the dogs. I think she'll be back she left her art table. Don't know how I feel yet. But it's time to start living again.
Yes - time to start living!!!!!
And once the dust settles, you just might surprise yourself - let me tell you, it's NICE not to be walking on eggshells around a MLC spouse all the time.
Consider this your chance to do the things you've always wanted to do, to get in shape, to reinvent yourself, to take up something new (I took up playing the drums, now I play in a rock/punk band
)
KML I thought I would deal with this better. I miss my family life so much that I can't explain. I'm so heart broken that I don't know if I will get over this? It just hurts soo much!
I'm so sorry Rick. ((( )))
I'm sorry, Rick. I am not familiar with your whole story, but I know how much pain you're going through. (((())))
It takes time Rick but, yes, the sun will come out again...maybe not tomorrow but it will come out. Remember, feelings come and go and they only have the power that we give them. Hope you feel better soon.
Hi Rick,
Most of us can relate you how you are feeling - we've been there. It's a tough time.
But "Letting Go" is kind of like having a tooth pulled. It hurts for a while, often intensely - you just can't wait to get to the dentist. Once it is extracted - you feel so relieved. But then - how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably 100 times a day. Just because it is no longer throbbing - it still hurts at first. After a while the pain is not there but when you run your tongue over that space - you still notice it. It has left a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It's going to take a while to get past it - it takes time.
But should you have kept the tooth? No - because it was causing you so much pain. But it will take a while to get past it. You will "Let Go" and move on in time.
Hope it gets better soon.
Barb
Barb I have read your post several times today. Great analogy. I still hurt. Today I felt desperate. I hurt every where. I still can't believe my family is gone. All I knew and worked and lived for. I know you know. I miss my D my dogs her room her toys I miss my ex. I miss her car in the driveway her cooking. It was all taken away in a second. My dreams and hopes and future. It's like what's next. Why keep at it. That's how I feel right now. Hope you guys don't get sick of my pity potty.
Rick: It has been 11 years since I was where you are right now. Mine came straight out of left field - no warning. The shock lingered for a log time, the sadness for a lot longer. And I still think about how nasty it was BUT...
Look at me now. I never thought I would get to this point. A point where I'm happier than I ever was with him (total truth).
I'm sure I wore many, many friends out. I cried and carried on for months, years even. But less over time.
The point is - you NEED to grieve. It is OK to grieve. To feel it. To miss it. To be sad. To let go. It is normal. But it is a stage that you will go through and then you will start to get better.
If you try to avoid this grieving - you will not get past it. So know that what you are feeling is normal. And you WILL start to have some good times soon. And when you do - don't feel guilty for feeling better - you've earned it.
Have you lined up any fun things to look forward to? How about going to the movies? Or inviting a friend over for coffee/beer. I'm sure there are friends you know who can offer a supportive, listening ear. Or, better yet - don't talk about it - have a distraction.
Couple of steps you can take. Change your story line here to update your info. Change your voice mail to one that is positive and upbeat with just your name on it. Walk through your home and make a list of what you might want to rearrange or a couple of things you'd like to buy to personalize your space.
Thinking of you.
Barb
More hugs for you today. ((((( )))))
Thanks Barb for explaining the process. It makes sense. It's been a hard few days just ask Gineenen who is my neighbor. My D wanted to know if I needed food. How cute is she. We text when we could cause phones were on and off. My electricity came on before hers. I offered to bring her home she said no she was fine. Today I don't feel lonely and empty. My friend had 3' of water in his home. We talked and he expressed hopelessness and no future plans. I know that feeling latetly and I don't like it. So I told him so. Time to get our nuts back huh?
Hey Rick,
I'm glad you posted that you are ok. You and Gineen should get together for a beer! You've both earned it. Times like these bring things back into focus - you realize that others have it worse than you (like your friend). Getting out there and helping can be really empowering.
Your daughter loves you. She has been forced to make decisions she shouldn't have to make (we all had to experience this with our kids). But she showed her true colours.
I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better. It comes and goes in waves you know. So don't worry when you feel bad - it will pass.
Barb
Rick,
Hey papa, this is gonna hurt for a bit. Totally normal. If you didn't feel what you are feeling I would be worry about you. Take your time...feel every bit of it. Take stock of what YOU learned from this. Use these feelings as a reminder to keep focused on being the best man you can be.
Keep your thoughts positive!
Keep yourself focused!
Keep moving forward!
It comes and goes in waves you know. So don't worry when you feel bad - it will pass.
The feeling of loss will indeed come in waves. Sometimes, it may be a song, a place, a restaurant, a certain meal. It will come but it will also pass....
IF you want it to pass.
Find stuff to keep you busy...and I'm not talking about GALing. That will work but it may get old after a while. Have you spent anytime trying to figure out what dream you really want to achieve for youself. If you can, plan an vaca, plan some hobbies that you always wanted to do.
I'll even helP you pick out some nudie posters.
If Gabbysmom23 doesn't find the "right" posters for you...I still have some 1970 velvet glow in the dark poster with the "parts" that glow in the dark....if you are interested. Just sayin....
Chin up Y....
las dificultades de la vida son para hacernos mejor no amargo...
Via Mendoza!
Hey Rick, sorry I am late. I was unplugged for a time.
It was hardest right after X moved out and then again right after she came back to pick up her stuff. It gets better with time and effort. Proceed at your own pace, but proceed. Everything that has been posted is right; just make it work for you, make it fit your future as you see it.
A beer sounds so nice. I am meeting friends at a little watering hole tomorrow night. Ya’ll are invited.
hey rick,
Good to see you again. Sorry about what you are going through, I remember those feelings vividly. I just got back from a long trip, missed most of the storm, but still had 3 days without power. Hope you are getting back on your feet down there, we still have sections up here with no power. We new jerseyans should all three get together for a beer, over life, the hurricane, election, etc, hang in there!
Mine also came out of left field and I sat on this computer staring at these boards for the entire summer of 2009. I didn't sleep, dropped to 89 pounds and barely functioned. One day at a time.
NOW, life is better than I ever imagined and it gets better every day. I have new friends who love me for me and I get to do all the things I wanted to do, but HE didn't, so I twisted myself into a pretzel to stay married.
Be angry, grieve, be sad...feel every emotion. If you don't feel, you can't heal. And, you will.....
Thanks for all the kind words guys. Today makes 14 days since they moved. Haven't had any contact with exw. Text and called my D a few times and she says she is ok. Sometimes I feel lonely but getting used to living alone. Yeap going through lots of emotions but feeling stronger everyday. Somedays I miss her some days I hate her. Right now just focusing on my finances and looking for work. Not so worried about that any more. The fear about money got the best of me but needed to breath and chill. On the up side, my house is clean very clean. It's how I like it. Little by little I'm making it my home. But one huge difference. I'm no longer in a rush to accomplish or achieve. That's very new for me but feels good to say eff it. That is a big change and liking it very much.
My next step is to see my D. I need to schedule visiting time. I know she's a teeager and may not want to hang with me. And I have deal with the rejection which I'm not good at. But I have to ask her to visit regularly even if she doesn't accept. I really miss her.
Yes, build a new connection with her.
You are awesome.
Hey Rick! Found you, too!
Little by little I'm making it my home.
Good for you.
From what I gathered during your situation, you had a pretty good relationship with your D. Don't be afraid to reach out to her. I'm betting she would love to see you. With her being a teenager, though, just don't don't ask her if you can go somewhere and hang out together, LOL
Maybe you could have a dinner night at your place with her?
I finally saw my D yesterday. I picked her up at her new home. Saw exw but I didn't say anything to her. She drove by me and parked her car. Pretty nice place. They have over an acre of land. Hope she learns how to mow. lol.The place is a block away from whhere she keeps her horse. D and I made dinner ate and I drove her home at 8. She didn't want to stay over due to school. Told her we have to do this at least every weekend she said it sounds fine. I didn't ask about her mom just asked about her and her life. D was shocked to see how clean her room was. Told me she misses it. Overall doing ok
Good start Rick. Keep it going. My daughter turned 13 the week her dad left. They would go out for dinner, to a movie, sometimes shopping. Keep it interesting for her - teens don't always find time for their parents at the best of times.
Barb
Rick, each person is unique so YMMV.
My teenagers were focused on becoming their own person, both of them rebelled, the oldest rather vehemently and the younger one much more subtlety. The harder X and I tried to rein them in the harder they rebelled.
They didn’t want or need confining structure. They needed boundaries and to see themselves as contributing. They wanted a safe harbor. They needed a place relax. They wanted a place to belong.
They didn’t want us to be their friend. They wanted us to be their parent, a parent that recognized them as a person growing into an adult. Letting them find the sharp edges and standing by available if they acknowledged their need for assistance. I was not averse to pointing out the cliff edge and speculating about its fragility. Belaboring fragility got tuned out. Forbidding the cliff edge only made them approach it.
You have an opportunity to build a different relationship with your daughter than the one you had. Explore that opportunity. This part of my path has been rewarding.
Frank
I will keep your advice in mind guys. My D said she would also like to hang more often. That made me happy and whole.? Yeap feeling lonely latetly. Was sitting downstairs tonite watching tv waiting for anyone to come charging downstairs. But all I heard was silence. Last two weeks I was busy with the hurricane and its devastation no time to think about the sitch. Things are leveling off slowly. Just journaling
Do you have a pet? I think they can really help during this time. I know my kitties really helped me.
We all get lonely at times but finding a hobby or other enjoyable pasttimes helps you learn to enjoy your time alone. It is not a bad thing to be alone.
Barb
I have a Mastiff. Does that count? He’s bigger than a miniature horse.
Seriously my pets keep me company and help me cope.
LMAO La I just saw this. JS yes it counts those are some nice doggies. And I can't have a pet because I'm gone for long hrs and I don't care for cats. Maybe I need the new Black Ops II to keep me company.
I'm glad I could make you laugh.
Bugsy, that was funny but cruel ^^^
hmm, I just thought it was funny.
But for real Rick, some pets don't need much attention but can still "interact" & make living noises...like a bird. We had finches (active & make cute noises & nest a lot-very active but not screechy or loud). Also had cockatiels (smart!) & a huge red tailed hawk (h was a falconer 30 years ago-intense hobby)...
yes I LOVE my dogs (I swear my dogs sense pain & anger & sadness. I'm sure of it. & who doesn't love beung greeted when you come home? But if you are gone a lot, you're right not to get one yet. Maybe if d comes to live there someday...
My sister has a friendly cat, so I know it can happen, but to me they seem too independent usually. Anyhow, you are making progress!! PLAN NOW for holidays...& do Not react to the spew your Xw may aim @you as reality sinks in more...
but Rick, what's wrong w/a wave in your x's general direction or acknowlegment of her presence, or just plain civil behavior when you get your d? Wouldn't that be easier on your d than ignoring her?
Try hard to LISTEN to what your d tells you (instead of "teaching like a dad", which my d's have complained of in the past w/my h. He's so concerned about them knowing what HE thinks, or so they say, & not enough on what THEY think...)
but remember you're the parent, SHE's the kid who needs reassurance.
I fear you might get a bit needy around her, when She's got to be going thru some hard stuff of Her own. Who does SHE have to talk to? Any bffs? A counselor or boyfriend?
Keep us posted!
hmm, I just thought it was funny.
It was funny and funny/cruel. Rick's W loves horses, he apparently does not. So why not get a horse?!?!? Maybe it is just a little inside baseball since we know each other in the alt.
Can't sleep tonite. One month since ex moved. Seen her once. Went to Acme today and saw her car so I went home. Stressing over finances. Who isn't right? 17 months and still feeling crappy? Ok vented and feel better.
Missing my D. I want to see her this weekend. I need goals a plan. Does that make me controlling? I can't live aimlessly.
No you cannot live aimlessly. Having goals is necessary. A plan can be manipulative and controlling so guard against that. At the end of the day you are really only in control of yourself and you are the person looking back from the mirror. He is who you must live with.
I cannot speak for you or your daughter. I can relate my own experience. After X left, family and especially the kids wanted a return to normal. Of course that could not be. We needed to establish what the new normal was to be. In a lot of ways we were learning to piece. I became the lighthouse. I worked to make my home a safe harbor. I worked to make myself a good steward of that safe harbor. I found a lot of the advice about rebuilding a relationship with a X was applicable to rebuilding a relationship with the rest of my family.
A word of caution, I needed to guard against allowing some family members assuming unhealthy relationship aspects. I had to set boundaries and in a few instances distance from rescue attempts. It would have been easy to permit, however doing so would have prevented healthy growth. This is where I needed to assert control of myself and stay on my path.
Of course YMMV.
Having goals and a plan does not make you controlling.
I suggest though that you pick up a goal that has NOTHING to do with your ex or anything else. Someplace to put your focus that is separate from your problems.
In my case, the first time my ex cheated, I trained to climb Mt. Whitney.
When we later separated and divorced, I learned to play the drums in a rock band
When you're focusing on something like that, it takes the focus off those other things. Are you working out, going to meetups, doing charity work, taking a class to further your job, taking up a new artistic endeavour? Stretch your wings. Do standup comedy. Something. What have you always wanted to do but been afraid? I found that after the "worst" that could happen to my marriage did - I became almost fearless to try new things. After all, no failure would be worse than the failure of my marriage - and I'd survived that!
As to finances - check out the blog by Mr. Money Mustache. Lots of good things to think about there. Strategic frugality at this point in your life can lead to great rewards later.
Haven't posted in a while. Gotta say that I been feeling alot better. The depression is lifting. I think that I'm getting used to living alone, it's really not that bad. Keeping myself really busy on the weekends. My D is hanging with me on Sunday she didn't want to stay all weekend. I'm ok with that.The one thing that I'm having difficulties with is learning to cook for one. Made a lasagna last weekend it is huge I will probably have it for dinner for 6 more nights.I could freeze some but I don't like to freeze cheese. My cooking skills are returning.So I'm good there. and my house is always clean. Haven't had any contact with exw since she moved 6 weeks ago, I believe. Sad to say I don't miss her. I think I miss the idea of a family but not her. Is that weird?
On the financial front, well things are tight but the stress is more of a self induced thing. Now that I got my head out of a$$ things don't look so gloomy. I was down with the job search feeling crappy but last Friday I said eff it. I began to remember how many people I know in my field so I email, FB message some of them and now I have an army looking out for me. Today people were wondering why I haven't sent my resume to them. So all in all things are getting better. I am also thinking of going towards a more independent track. I can earn a lot more than working for someone. So KML that is a goal I have set for myself even if I do it on a part time basis initially. My Medicaid provider number was cancelled due to me not taking clients. So I am waiting for a new application. If I get approved I can hire therapist under my number and do all of their billing while they provide the service. Usually on a 60/40 basis. Exited about that. So yes it does get better.
Rick: I'm so glad to hear that the worst has passed and the future does not look so bleak. Having plans and goals is the way to go. The only way that you will get the life that you envision.
Your daughter loves you and wants to keep your relationship going. Good for her. Good for you.
OK - so maybe you need to learn to cook in half. Making smaller meals. Years ago when I first got married (age 20) I was given a book "Cooking for 2" that I still use to this day. I love cooking for 2 as it gives me 2 nights of dinner (or 1 when Josh is here). But I'm sure there must be numerous recipes online. And someday you might have a girl to impress with your cooking ability. Trust me - it's very attractive to have a man cook for you (hot dogs and Kraft dinner don't count).
Barb
Sounds like dinner at Rick's
Glad you've turned a corner.
Have you considered using LinkedIn as part of you're job search?
I want bowties if I'm traveling that far!
Yeap one of exw's complaints was that my eyes were bigger than my appetite. It is a family tradition to cook for an army what can I say. Bugsy she left a box of bowties behind. Was thinking of doing some art work with it. Like glue them to a bottle and make some kind of lamp with them.
I was asked to make Argentinian empanadas for our xmas party next Thursday. I text D if she would help me on Sunday. She said yes cause she likes them too. So cooking all weekend will be fun. Everyone is invited.
Rick, are there some guys you can get together with, or even couples who are friends? Have them all over for a big lasagna and you'll get that many invitations back for meals you don't have to cook at all.
Rick,
Glad to hear you are feeling better. Good weekend ahead of you - enjoy your time with your daughter.
And please send some empanadas my way, will you?
De carne, de queso, de lo que sea que todas me encantan - y con mucho chimichurri, por favor!!!!
(((un abrazo))))
Need to vent.
D and I cooked empanadas and made really spicy jerk chicken. She loved all of it. While I was doing the dishes I thanked her for hanging with her old man. She said me too. Tears just came down so I had to leave and type this. I look at her and it feels weird. Like I can't protect her from all of this.? So I'm trying to compose myself. Maybe I'll wash my face a lot. But I can't stop seen her because it Hurts too much. I have to keep reaching out. Really [censored]
(((((Rick))))) This time of year really seems to be bringing out the emotions in many of us. I'm sure those empanadas are the perfect antidote. Enjoy!
I just interviewed for a consulting job for extra cash. I know the owner. She asked why I wanted extra cash told her about the D. I told her that exw got involved in the horse world and that caused conflicts. She turns red. Tells me that she just got D. Her H, who still works for her, did the same, but to top it off fell in love with another man at the barn. They were M 22 years. So it must be the horse thingy. Needless to say I got the job. Now I have 3 jobs.
Congrats on the job. Good for you!
It helps when you meet someone else who has gone through similar trials. They understand like nobody else.
Barb
Three jobs should keep you out of trouble for a little while...
Yeap 3 jobs can't complain.
So today I went for a hair cut, I just found this barber in May. Awesome hair cuts. I go to the door and there's a note that said landlord had seized this property due to the proprietors untimely death. He was 62 and super funny. He recently hired a female barber she was hotzzzzz. So I go to my old barber. I asked where is Tony who had been out ill, reason for changing barbers. The owner says he died. So my two barbers are no more may they RIP. and my hair looks like crapp.
So go on Craigslist and post a "Missed Connection" for the HOTZZZZZ lady barber.......
Life is sexy. Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!
Three jobs should keep you out of trouble for a little while...
Not this guy