Help!!! - this is a delicate issue! - 07/06/12 05:27 PM
Okay folks, I need some input here, especially from those of you who are knowledgable in the medical arena. This is a situation that I am not familiar with or know exactly how to handle.
I have been dating someone for about 3 months now. I have become quite attached to her emotionally and really enjoy spending time with her. She is very attractive and we have a lot of common interests. Well earlier this week she said that it was probably time that we should have the "safe sex" talk. I told her I thought that was a good idea and proceeded to let her know my recent sexual history (limited) and the date and result of my last HIV test, which was negative. She then proceeds to tell me her last HIV test was negative and was done a couple of months ago. She has not had sex since then. All good right - here's where the other shoe drops - she then tells me that in her past she has had one STD given to her by a cheating boyfriend about 11 years ago. I'm thinking to myself, no big deal it was a long time ago - then she says it was Herpes.
Ugghh so now what. I am emotionally attached to her and hate to just cut and run, but honestly I don't have any desire to receive the "gift that keeps on giving." To her benefit, she said that she understands if this is a dealbreaker for me and that she has had two other men who cut the relationship off because of it. She says that she has never passed it on to anyone else and rarely has outbreaks anymore, although she did have her last one in February. I have done as much research on the web (more than I would like to admit) to find out everything I can about this and know that simply wearing a condom does not prevent me from getting it and that it can also be asymptomatic, so she doesn't have to have an active breakout going on for me to pick it up ncessarily. So I suspect that if I stayed with her long term I will probably eventually acquire it.
I was honest with her in that I wasn't sure what to do. Part of me wishes she would have said something sooner before I became emotionally attached, but she said this isn't something she feels comfortable telling someone until she knows that she feels connected enough to them that sex may be a possibility. She has never had sex with someone without telling them first though.
Since she has told me about it, we have had one other conversation regarding the situation. She asked me how I felt and I said that I was still trying to figure all of that out. I told her that my thought process was that if I knew our relationship had the real potential to be forever, then while I wasn't crazy about contracting Herpes, it wouldn't matter to much because I would never be sleeping with anyone else. However, what I didn't want was to contract it, then "us" not work out and I would be in the same boat that she is currently in, having to sit across the table from someone new that I was getting close to and telling them that I had it.
Finally, she did mention that there is a medicine she can use which greatly reduces the chances of passing it on to me - which I had also read about. She said that if I wanted her to, she would use it but that it is a strong medicince which has some side affects she is not crazy about and would really rather not use it. That bothers me a bit, in that if the roles were reversed here, I would be taking whatever measures were necessary in order to not pass this stuff along, regardless of the side affects. If the side affects were that bad then I just wouldn't get into a sexual relationship.
So I am interested in what advice you all have for me. For the medical folks, what is the reality of catching herpes and are there strategies I can take to reduce the chances as much as possible, aside from abstinence I guess. Should I just walk away from a relationship that seems really positive in all other aspects? She has stated that a healthy sex life is important to her, so obviously if I stayed not having sex at all is not an option - I wouldn't be happy in a sexless relationship either. I would rather not ask people close to me, because they have already met this woman and I don't want to share her "secret" with anyone.
Like I said earlier - ugghhhh!
BA
I have been dating someone for about 3 months now. I have become quite attached to her emotionally and really enjoy spending time with her. She is very attractive and we have a lot of common interests. Well earlier this week she said that it was probably time that we should have the "safe sex" talk. I told her I thought that was a good idea and proceeded to let her know my recent sexual history (limited) and the date and result of my last HIV test, which was negative. She then proceeds to tell me her last HIV test was negative and was done a couple of months ago. She has not had sex since then. All good right - here's where the other shoe drops - she then tells me that in her past she has had one STD given to her by a cheating boyfriend about 11 years ago. I'm thinking to myself, no big deal it was a long time ago - then she says it was Herpes.
Ugghh so now what. I am emotionally attached to her and hate to just cut and run, but honestly I don't have any desire to receive the "gift that keeps on giving." To her benefit, she said that she understands if this is a dealbreaker for me and that she has had two other men who cut the relationship off because of it. She says that she has never passed it on to anyone else and rarely has outbreaks anymore, although she did have her last one in February. I have done as much research on the web (more than I would like to admit) to find out everything I can about this and know that simply wearing a condom does not prevent me from getting it and that it can also be asymptomatic, so she doesn't have to have an active breakout going on for me to pick it up ncessarily. So I suspect that if I stayed with her long term I will probably eventually acquire it.
I was honest with her in that I wasn't sure what to do. Part of me wishes she would have said something sooner before I became emotionally attached, but she said this isn't something she feels comfortable telling someone until she knows that she feels connected enough to them that sex may be a possibility. She has never had sex with someone without telling them first though.
Since she has told me about it, we have had one other conversation regarding the situation. She asked me how I felt and I said that I was still trying to figure all of that out. I told her that my thought process was that if I knew our relationship had the real potential to be forever, then while I wasn't crazy about contracting Herpes, it wouldn't matter to much because I would never be sleeping with anyone else. However, what I didn't want was to contract it, then "us" not work out and I would be in the same boat that she is currently in, having to sit across the table from someone new that I was getting close to and telling them that I had it.
Finally, she did mention that there is a medicine she can use which greatly reduces the chances of passing it on to me - which I had also read about. She said that if I wanted her to, she would use it but that it is a strong medicince which has some side affects she is not crazy about and would really rather not use it. That bothers me a bit, in that if the roles were reversed here, I would be taking whatever measures were necessary in order to not pass this stuff along, regardless of the side affects. If the side affects were that bad then I just wouldn't get into a sexual relationship.
So I am interested in what advice you all have for me. For the medical folks, what is the reality of catching herpes and are there strategies I can take to reduce the chances as much as possible, aside from abstinence I guess. Should I just walk away from a relationship that seems really positive in all other aspects? She has stated that a healthy sex life is important to her, so obviously if I stayed not having sex at all is not an option - I wouldn't be happy in a sexless relationship either. I would rather not ask people close to me, because they have already met this woman and I don't want to share her "secret" with anyone.
Like I said earlier - ugghhhh!
BA