I've been mentally at war with myself for several years. When I'd get upset with XW -- even before she was XW -- I'd stop myself and say, but I love her, I want this to work out. What's wrong with me?
The truth is -- I really realized this last week -- is that I don't like XW. I haven't for a long time. I don't respect her intelligence. I don't like her choices. I don't want her lifestyle. I wouldn't want to live such a confined life. I've been faking it with her for a long time.
She's a nice person who always has been deeply unhappy and jealous of everyone who is more personable than she is.
Why did I marry her? Well, my mom pushed me into it. She was beautiful and we were getting along great. But marriage hadn't crossed my mind when my mom offered to give me my grandmother's wedding rings. If I had to actually save the money, based on what I was making at the time, who knows if the lust would have petered out well before an actual wedding. The red flags started popping up during the engagement, but I ignored them.
I also thought I could change her -- that she'd want to follow me to new and exciting places.
Instead, as time went on she turned out to be very different from what I thought/hoped I was marrying.
So now there's freedom in this sentence. I don't miss XW, but I do really miss my daughters.
Now I can stop fighting myself mentally and doing things that would present myself in the best light if she ever changed her mind and wanted me back.
Now I have to figure out how to deal with her without having it affect my daughters. Kids can tell when you don't like someone. I have to get better at the balancing act of keeping XW and Uncle Fester as separate as possible from my life without making it obvious that I just can't stand to be around her, her friends or her family.
That's a tough trick and one I have to get right.
So time for a new thread.
I am finishing up my umpiring marathon. I am having a party Saturday night at my house. I am preparing for another week of vacation with the girls, with a third to follow in August.
Things are good, very good right now. Beginning July 13, I'll also be able to relax for a few weeks. Catch up on projects. Get back to working out. That's taken a back seat with all of the umpiring.
Interesting talk with D13 tonight. The teen angst continues to grow. She said last night her and XW got into a huge fight because D13 was going over all the bad things about herself and how few good things she has going for her.
Really, right now most of her issues are boy issues. She gained weight when she hit puberty. Her mom has ballooned so she doesn't have a positive role model there. The fact almost all of her friends have boyfriends and she doesn't really bothers her -- although she says it's more than that.
We talked about validation. I've been struggling with it ever since XW and I split. I told her most people hate how they look.
Here's the funny thing. XW blew up at her and said D13 is clinically depressed and should start seeing a therapist.
I told XW repeatedly when D13 was 11 and 12 that I was concerned about her and thought she should be seeing a therapist.
XW sent me a curt email saying that D13 (then 11 and 12) was fine, that she was only telling me these things because that's what I wanted to hear, to hear that the divorce was the problem.
Sigh. I kept the email.
The umpiring has been a God send. It helped fill a hole in my budget when one of my other part-time gigs fell through.
But the past five weeks, as I've had to do it more often, I've had to deal with a nasty side affect. It's causing my face to break out on my chin where the mask sits.
I have to umpire tonight, tomorrow and Monday then I only have a handful of games in July.
It'll be nice to have my face clear up again. It's hard to have confidence talking to someone with acne on your chin.
My Saturday party looks OK as long as the weather holds. I think I'll easily get 10 to 15 and perhaps more. Interestingly, the leader of the new church growth group I'm joining is coming.
She's 33. Never been married and kind of a player. I had her and a couple of other friends out to dinner a couple of weeks ago. She made it a point to sit next to me for most of the dinner, but then when a younger guy joined us she switched over to sitting by him. I thought it was funny. She's a blonde, and they generally don't go for me so I wasn't expecting much. She was still working on him when I left.
A week later I get a text out of the blue on a Saturday that I had my daughters. She was looking for something to do. I had to turn her down and instead pitched lunch this week. She said she was busy.
Now she's coming to the party. She's interesting. She had a friend with her two weeks ago I would be interested in asking out. A teacher. I wonder if she'll come along.
XW sent me a curt email saying that D13 (then 11 and 12) was fine, that she was only telling me these things because that's what I wanted to hear, to hear that the divorce was the problem.
Selfish and self-centered. She doesn't want to feel responsible for any bad consequences of the divorce at all, so she convinces herself that she not responsible at all. If it's all you...it's none of her.
Interesting acceptance fact. I went to my best friend's graduation party for his son. Wow. I'm getting old when my friends' kids are graduating from high school.
I got a little wistful because XW and I would go over and play cards with my friend and his wife when their son was a baby. I have a photo somewhere of him as a kid in a New York Jets outfit I gave him. When they moved in 2003, they were the last couple friends we had.
When my mind wandered though I thought about how I'll handle my girls' graduation parties -- I'll do a separate party with just my friends and I was thinking about places to take them as a reward. Vegas probably. Cheap trip.
At no point did I ever think "well, if somehow we get back together" or "gee, it'll be sad."
No interaction with XW at all this weekend -- other than a summary email to state what nights and times we are swapping. D9 did ride her bike over Sunday night to pick up some toys. Apparently, XW was waiting outside.
It was good. Man, I was tired last night. There were lots of things I could have done. Instead, I just watched Breaking Bad.
Lots to do today and tomorrow for work -- then 10 days off, 12 if you count the weekend, nine of which I'll have the girls.
Week 2 1/2 of vacation mostly going well.
It was too hot Thursday, Friday and Saturday to do much other than lay around. That meant we had to push Friday's day trip to Sunday -- Wisconsin Dells. We have Great America and Chicago trips scheduled for Tuesday and Thursday.
That's a lot and it's draining my bank account, but I should have enough.
Still, it's an emotional battle. The first day they were here they talked about their 4th of July at the Uncle Fester (XW's boyfriend) family farm.
They hung around the bf's family while they got blitzed.
So that was difficult to handle. But when I heard the story it made sense. XW is dating her dad. He would sit in his chair at every holiday and drink beer after beer after beer until stumbling off to bed.
I remember watching him and saying to myself, that's not what a husband and father should be like. I purposely tried to be a different husband -- come home first always. Never drink at home. Never gamble money away. Do things around the house before settling in a chair for the night. Spend time, lots of time with my children.
Turns out, she wanted her dad.
Then Saturday I find out from my uncle that my cousin is upset with how much we are using the pool. My cousin lives on the other side and NEVER uses it. He's just mad we are using it often when the girls are here.
I maintain it and mow the yard for the privilege. Still, this is something that goes back 30 years. I was always the golden child of the family and he's resented it. I thought we were through that.
Normally, I'd just laugh it off, but having the pool next door I feel like is my only advantage. XW has the family home, her mom's campground and BF's horse farm.
So that put me in a funk and it spilled out against the girls. When they started fighting Saturday night I overreacted and I really struggled with my patience yesterday with D9.
It's anger and fear. I was angry that I'm in a situation where I have to rely on other's kindness and afraid that it might be taken away.
Most of it is unfounded. My uncle said he WANTS us over to swim. We're the only ones who use it. D13 said XW dragged them to the 4th of July party. They didn't want to go and asked to spend the day with me. D13 said she's bored with the campground.
The last thing is that I put too much pressure on myself with them in the summer. I plan and save so much for these weeks, when they don't go perfectly I get very down on myself.
The mental battle never ends.
On the positive side, I finally may have another date. Met someone through OKCupid who is extremely intelligent and we've been messaging back and forth and we're hopefully going to do lunch the week I'm back to work.
I just want that connection to someone again.
The last thing is that I put too much pressure on myself with them in the summer. I plan and save so much for these weeks, when they don't go perfectly I get very down on myself.
Here's the issue, here.
Not every time with you has to be perfect. In fact, it's better for your kids if you're NOT the "Disneyland dad". And you're not in competition with your wife and her father-image boyfriend.
You're a good dad and your kids know that. Relax.
I don't have a lot of extra funds when things are said and done but I manage little mini-trips here and there. The kids think those are great.
I also must say I know my kids. They can talk to me about anything and everything. I am lucky that my boys work at the local movie theater and so we can go to movies for free. We haven't taken advantage of that so much as the boys work nearly every weekend during school. Lately though we have gone alot. Even with S19 getting another job, the theater is giving him a few hours so that he can keep that benefit.
Just remember your kids want to be with YOU. You don't need to entertain them.
kat
Yes, GM, I'm trying to get to that point. It's just a long process. D9 made a point the other night -- in the middle of a meltdown -- that she wants to tell me about her times with XW but she doesn't because it makes me sad.
I didn't rise to the bait. When she's in meltdown mode she throws everything out that might get a rise out of me. But the truth is buried in there, they know I really don't want to hear about their "other" life.
D13 and I had a good talk Saturday. She has been in a funk most of the summer. She says she has all these "voices" in her head telling her she's worthless, she's fat, she's ugly.
It's worrisome and I've been worried about it for two years. XW is finally catching on.
I told her I have those issues. With me it's clouds. I will feel good, the skies are clear and then something is said, or I see something, or I get a text and storm clouds roll in. I can feel the anger swirling like a sudden thunderstorm. And then I start getting down about myself.
I will say this few days -- even with a rough 24 hour stretch -- has been very good for me with D13.
Sounds like an extreme amount of pressure for your daughter. To not be able to tell you about her life because it upsets you. I "get" how you feel. My H moved out and right in with maggot. But when my kids tell me anything about his new life - I just smile and listen and make no comment. I don't have to like it. But I don't say anything about it. I just listen.
And that's the point. If your daughter doesn't feel she can come to you to tell you what's wrong - who WILL she turn to? Especially in a couple more years when she too is interested in boys.
As for your older daughter - remind her of all her good points and don't commiserate with her. She needs you to be the dad. To love her unconditionally.
C2 - you ARE a good dad. But you your perspective is a bit "off" at times.
I totally was going to write the same thing as Gineen - about your new attitude. And also about the need to do the big trips when money is obviously a stress. No way I'd be taking them to big cities, staying in hotels etc. It costs megabucks.
Go to your local parks. Plan picnics. Keep on swimming. Maybe rent a boat for a couple of hours. Go fishing.
The most important thing to do with your girls is to spend time with them. It really doesn't matter where.
Now STOP focussing on ex and her guy.
Barb
I was going to mention also in my earlier post... your daughter seems really caught up in this whole body image thing. She is growing and changing and on top of that trying to find her way through the minefield known as divorce.
You should keep the focus on health. Also though, there shouldn't be a day that goes by that you don't tell her how beautiful she is or how proud of her you are. Looks seem to be a big deal in your family, why on earth give her the added stress? Everyone is not beautiful in the eyes of everyone else. There is a reason for this. Something to think about.
kat
"Parents need to fill their child's bucket of self esteem so high that society can't poke enough holes in it to drain it dry"...
I read that today on Facebook and it is SO true. This is particularly true for Adolescents, Pre-Adolescents and Teens. It's a hard knock life. And we have to make our kids strong enough to take on the challenge. Our job as parents is to "give them wings then let them fly". But they won't make it if we don't show them how.
Think about how your avoidance affects your girls. They need to talk about it and so do you. Maybe that will make it less painful. Because truly - all 3 of you are in so much pain. And you need to work together to reduce that. To help each other. To be in it together.
I know it's not easy. But it is necessary.
Barb
Ahh, the pitfalls of online dating. I finally was communicating with a lady from my town. We exchanged messages for a week. Finally, I asked her out to lunch, she said she'd get back to me with a good day. That was two days ago. Today, she shut down her account.
It was OKCupid, which is a fun site. We seemed to be very well matched from the online questions.
Oh well. Keep going.
Online "dating" is really a misnomer - it's really just online "meeting".
Lots of weird stuff like that happens, you just have to accept it's part of the process. Either her old boyfriend made up with her, or someone she dated last weekend turned out to be a great match, or she's someone who realized she's not really ready to date, or she's some scammer who had no intention of meeting in real life. You may never know - just move on to the next one.
Part of what's weird about the online thing is how you may have several contacts going on simultaneously. Can be good and bad.
Another up and down day. Last day of nine-day vacation with girls and all goes pretty swimmingly until the car ride home when D9 throws massive fit because I wouldn't come off road --- again --- because she was thirsty. We were 25 minutes from home finally after battling traffic for three hours, and we'd eaten 45 minutes earlier.
I lost it briefly when she threw a flip flop at D13, who wasn't doing anything.
As soon as the storm passed she was apologetic. We get home and she's very sad to be leaving.
Their mom picked them up. I found out she and Uncle Fester are taking them out of town to a hotel. I am a little bothered by the example they are setting. But I'm not all that broken up. XW is Fester's problem now. I know soon enough the ice queen who blames her unhappiness on everyone else will show up. In fact, the more they are together, the faster it will happen.
No. I'm broken up right now because the longest stretch of one-on-one time I've had with them in three years is over. As up as most of it was, the down parts get me very down.
I just want my daughters back.
I have LOTS to do now and I have no energy without them.
Update on the OKCupid girl. She put her profile back up and messaged me with her full name so I could find her on Facebook. She said she isn't ready to date. She has her kids 24/7 and was unsuccessful finding a babysitter for lunch and just feels like it's too much.
I found her on Facebook and sent her a message saying I understand. Schedules are hectic and the lunch date is a standing offer. The two relationships -- however brief -- I've had since the split up were online things where we were communicating, they withdrew for a while and then came back.
Maybe history will repeat itself.
KML, I think the online thing is different for men. Women, at least I've read, get a lot more emails than men. I've gone months at a time with no one responding. Now, OKCupid and I have become "Facebook" friends and I reupped Match this morning and get a response from a 37-year-old who is currently separated.
So for me, that's a lot of action.
In the three or four months I was on POF I was contacted by over one hundred women (I stopped counting after 100 lol). Most of them I did not want to meet but, the fact is, they made the effort to contact me. I would suggest that you look at your profile and really put some time into it. I think women like and appreciate when they see a man putting effort into presenting himself. That's my theory anyway... and I've never used OKCupid or Match
What I've noticed is, my women friends do NOT want to contact a guy - they want him to contact them. I think I'm not the norm, in that I'm willing to search for and contact guys that I find interesting.
My friend's perspective on it is this: she's not that confident, she wants a guy who is REALLY into her, and she's afraid that if she does the contacting, she'll end up with a guy who isn't that crazy about her.
Just saying, there are probably a lot of women online who still expect that old-fashioned model of the guy as pursuer, even in that modern format.
And yes, ask a good female friend to vet your profile. Some common mistakes I see in guys' profiles:
- Scowling photos. Seriously, if a guy can't post ONE photo of himself smiling, I pass.
- The half-naked bathroom photo. If you really want to show off your six-pack, include a photo of yourself at the beach or pool with friends.
- All photos taken by yourself. Try to find some photos of you with friends, or out doing things where the photographer was obviously a friend. Makes you look less like a friendless sociopath.
- Photos with girlfriends. It's ok to include photos of yourself with attractive women - IF you explain in the title that it's your sister/childhood best friend/sister-in-law.
- Engineer's English. When I read a profile which consists entirely of simple declarative sentences (subject-verb-object. Subject-verb-object.)I KNOW he'll turn out to be an engineer or computer programmer. Nothing wrong with either profession, but try to demonstrate SOME ability with the English language or you look like someone with really bad Asperger's syndrome.
Wii, from what I have heard and read, you are way out of the norm. Usually, for guys it's something like a 10-to-1 ratio, for every 10 women you contact, you might get one response.
KML, I pass your rules. I only post photos of me smiling. I do not look good when I'm not smiling. I think I usually put one swimming pool shot up of me tossing my then six year old in the water. I don't have of me with other women or any of me taken by myself.
Actually, I rewrote my profile again and thinks it sounds less depressing, more positive. But I'm truthful on it. I work a lot. I have my daughters a lot. I'd love to find someone and if I do, I'll carve out time for them. That probably eliminates me for a lot of women looking for someone able to dedicate time to them.
Plus, I'm pretty restrictive on the area, smoking (never), politics (no conservatives) and education (at least some college). That eliminates a lot of people.
I know it's going to be hard for me to find someone. Then I think about D9 and her issues and I realize how hard it is going to be for me to find anyone to marry until she's off to college. She's just difficult.
Rare day with basically nothing to do. I walked to work from home. It takes an hour. I'm putzing around, trying to get things done, but I haven't been too successful other than create a list of things I need to do this week.
Good news is that all the fun last week stayed within my budget.
During the walk, when my mind drifted to bad places, I kept saying to myself "Something great is going to happen to me."
Some day.
Good visit with counselor today. She had me go through the vacation and the times the anger spilled out. She thinks I'm doing fine. I think I'm a mess.
But perhaps I'm an improving mess. I was thinking over the weekend how anger basically affected my mom and dad their whole lives. My sister struggles with it and I'm seeing it in both my daughters.
What if my one goal and just one goal was to conquer anger and fear. Let everything else go. Just beat that. I think perhaps that's the greatest gift I could give my daughters.
My counselor suggested a book "Taming the Beast" and I'll pick it up tonight from the library.
Some texts from XW today. Who is going to buy what for D9's 10th birthday? D13 had orthodontist appointment. She needs a full set and it'll cost more than $5,000. She can't get them until February or March.
That's fine. I'd budgeted for that. That won't knock me off my plan at all, really.
Contacts from OKCupid and Match have died off. Sigh. Did get an email from someone on Plentyoffish.
Tomorrow I go and enroll for fall classes for the MBA. Also, last night I learned I'll get a few more umpiring games in the fall. Every little bit helps.
Lots to do. Wish it were less.
C2H: I think that is a very admirable goal. And doable. It is sometimes better to concentrate on one goal and yours is, indeed - a real gift to your daughters and to yourself.
This is probably the best post I've read from you in a long time. Stay focussed - you can do it.
FYI - sometimes the orthodontist will give you a payment plan. You can find that out easily ahead of time.
Barb
SFO,
XW already said there's a payment plan option. But that's the same as another monthly cost. I'd rather pull the money out and pay off my half all at once. XW can do a payment plan on her half.
I don't want to add any more monthly bills.
I borrowed from my 401(k) to pay off my attorneys (divorce and bankruptcy) and the Canada trip and have enough for the braces.
By doing that I lowered my bi-weekly paycheck $38, but I was paying $50 a check to the attorneys. So I'm $12 to the good every two weeks. Over the course of a year that's another $300.
I know in the grand scheme of things, it's bad to borrow from your 401(k). But at this point in my life I have to make sacrifices. I don't plan on retiring until I physically can't work anyway. What would I do with myself?
Met with new publisher for our paper. They don't believe our merit raises will be much this year. We haven't had one in three years. Instead, they are offering an incentive plan where if we meet profit goals in last six months, each employee will receive $500.
We've never done that. I think it's 50/50 that we'll reach the goal. I like the new guy though.
Complication with the masters program. I heard back from the guy I'll be working for -- potentially -- and he messaged that he'd like to figure out how I can get 25 hours in a week there.
25 HOURS????
Good lord, there are weeks I'll be lucky to get in five with all of the various commitments I have. I have to write a very careful response back saying there are times during the year where I'll be able to commit 10 to 15 hours a week to the college, but there are also weeks I'll be there just three to five.
The email caused a little anxiety.
Sigh. Dinner with daughters. I gave up my normal night with them because I have to catch up on everything else.
They were talking about their fun weekend with their mom. D13 stressed they went with XW and their grandmother. That confused D9 so they went outside to talk it over.
At the restaurant, I asked them what the problem was at the house. They said XW told them to lie and say it was just XW and her mom on the trip.
I probably said too much in return.
I said, "I figured BF went along. I know he answered XW's cell phone on Friday when we got home, so I knew then he was going. I don't like the fact that she's taking you on trips to hotels with him, but there isn't anything I can do about it. I don't want you to lie about it."
D9 said she doesn't like to talk about places they go with BF because she knows it makes me sad.
"I understand honey, but I have to get stronger don't I?"
I should have stopped at this last part.
"Guys, I don't like the fact XW asked you to lie about BF. She's been lying to me about him for three years now. Just tell me the truth. I'll be fine."
In the end, the three of us decided we could talk about the fun trips or things they do with their "other" family, they just won't mention names. I'm good with that.
After dinner, I went to the library to pick up a book about anger my therapist suggested. My library didn't have it. I'm hoping the larger library system has it.
I felt a little sad during dinner because they went some places I would like to take them, but I know I've got lots of great places to go with them the next few years.
If not you could probably get it fairly cheap on Amazon. Just a thought.
I want my kids to be happy and have a good time when they are with their Dad. I do wish he actually spent time with them rather than being a good time Dad but I am not responsible for their relationship.
You have this short amount of time to connect and make special memories. Believe me it doesn't have to cost much and those times are the ones my kids remember and talk about.
kat
Found the anger book at the larger library. Eager to start reading it tonight.
I sign up for classes tomorrow. I know one -- an accounting class -- has to be Thursday night. I am hoping I can take another either on a Monday night or Saturday morning.
Any other night -- Tuesday, Wednesday, or if I have to take a morning class -- I'll either have to give up some of my part-time work or give up an overnight with the girls.
That realization made me a little angry. If I had the girls 50/50 like I wanted, I wouldn't have to have so many part-time gigs and working in graduate classes would be simpler.
But that doesn't help me. I sent XW a text saying I may have to sign up for a morning class and that would affect my schedule.
I am bouncing back and forth between being excited to start and dreading the time it's going to take.
I know this. The girls will see the effort it takes to get ahead. That'll be a valuable lesson.
Found the anger book at the larger library. Eager to start reading it tonight.
I sign up for classes tomorrow. I know one -- an accounting class -- has to be Thursday night. I am hoping I can take another either on a Monday night or Saturday morning.
Any other night -- Tuesday, Wednesday, or if I have to take a morning class -- I'll either have to give up some of my part-time work or give up an overnight with the girls.
That realization made me a little angry. If I had the girls 50/50 like I wanted, I wouldn't have to have so many part-time gigs and working in graduate classes would be simpler.
But that doesn't help me. I sent XW a text saying I may have to sign up for a morning class and that would affect my schedule.
I am bouncing back and forth between being excited to start and dreading the time it's going to take.
I know this. The girls will see the effort it takes to get ahead. That'll be a valuable lesson.
stay focused on the prize. stay excited!
Great meeting today with the college. They basically are going to give me a list of graduates. I'm to contact them and write profiles and record video interviews so they can use their prominent graduates to recruit new students.
I'll get a desk, but I won't be expected to be at it all that much.
And they are paying 100 percent of the tuition for an MBA that would cost me $25k otherwise. I just have to pay an enrollment fee of $50 and for the books.
This is unbelievable.
I am super psyched.
Holy cow!!!! That is fantastic!!! Congrats!
Excellent! Happy for you CTH
About the laziest weekend ever. The girls were pretty beat from all the travels the last three weeks so they just wanted to veg.
The only thing we did was go swimming at my developer friend's mansion, which brought up some interesting discussions.
After swimming in his pool, he gave the girls a tour of his house, which is worth about $10 million.
After, we cleaned up and went to church where, coincidentally, the series is called "The comparison trap."
It was a great message, because both girls are struggling with comparing themselves to others. Shoot, I do it too.
So we talked about being jealous of the mansion. It was a good discussion.
That was it though for actually doing anything. The girls played a Wii game together just about all of Saturday night. Sunday, D13 sang and dance in the basement. D9 played video games.
I got D9 up for a couple of bike rides and a short swim. I made D13 go on a longer bike ride and a couple of walks.
In two weeks, I'm having a swimming party for D9, who will become D10, and then we are going zip lining. A week after that we leave for Canada, so we have fun, stressful stuff coming up.
XW intruded on my lazy weekend with an email. It was scheduling stuff, but she slipped in the fact that she's going back to Sturgis with her motorcycle buddies.
There was absolutely no reason to include that in the email other than to make me angry.
And it did. It stirred up the emotions from her trip there in 2009.
But I'm handling it well. The trick, at least this week, is to keep singing to myself, "Something great is going to happen to me" over and over and over.
I just want to be free of the emotional weight.
Messaging with two women on OKCupid. There interest doesn't seem to be too great -- and they don't live too close anyway -- but they keep responding. So I asked one if she'd like to come into town next weekend and I'd take her around downtown.
I figure I might as well take a chance and I have a free weekend.
There's another one I was messaging on OKCupid, but she's the one who dropped off but said I could message her on Facebook. So we exchanged a couple of messages. She's extremely smart. Probably much smarter than I am. I am interested in seeing her in person. If the OKCupid girl from out of town shoots me down, I'll take a run at seeing if the FB girl would like to go out. I just want to go out on a date again, especially before the fall when everything gets busy, busy, busy again.
So I responded to XW's email matter of factly.
She responds back again on the same stuff and adding detail about her trip.
Didn't see it until now. Not going to respond.
Good choice.
Although another one would be: "As the girls will be with me as scheduled during your trip and they know how to reach you in case of emergency, I really don't need to know the details of your trip. Thank you."
I would not say a thing.
Teaching your girls to live within their means would be more useful than commiserating with them about being jealous of others. You could use the opportunity to point out how hard work and setting goals for yourself can really pay off. Just keep it realistic.
Don't spend your life waiting for your ship to come in. Enjoy each day at the shore.
Contentment doesn't come from HAVING what you WANT - but from WANTING what you HAVE!
Barb
As I reread the email -- it hit me that XW is dumping the kids on her mom while she takes off for the motorcycle convention.
The girls have said they hate being at the campground the last couple of years.
It makes sense. I was the only one who did anything with them. XW, her sister and her mom just sit around the trailer reading books.
So now they'll spend seven days by themselves down there with their grandma, then I'll pick them up and take them to Canada. XW won't see them at all for more than two weeks.
I have to say, I look like a much better parent in that scenario.
I have a couple of weeks to catch up on projects, start working out again, saving up money and preparing for grad school in the fall.
And clean. I really need to clean.
I have to say, I look like a much better parent in that scenario.
So wahat? It's not about who looks like the best parent. It's about loving your kids the best you possibly can...and I think you know that
Stop competing with her!
Yes Wii - This is what we have been saying all along. Life is not about SHOW or COMPETITION. It is about living each moment and enjoying the best that you can. Some of the best moments are those that don't cost a penny.
Barb
At the beginning of a rare three-week stretch where I don't have a ton of commitments. I'm so used to having to burn, burn, burn to get everything done by 4 p.m. that I don't really know what to do with myself right now.
Talk to God. I think you're in luck, this is His drop in night so no appointment necessary!
Dropped D13 off at camp this morning. I won't see her again until Aug. 2.
D9 woke up in a mood and was well on her way to a meltdown. I had something she wanted -- she was scheduled to spend the day with a friend and when I said she wasn't going unless she followed directions she reluctantly complied.
By the time we got her to her friend's house all was forgotten. Strange how the storms form and disperse so quickly in an ADHD mind.
D9's birthday is Sunday. It's her mom's weekend so she'll be there most of the day. She's coming over at night to get her present from me.
I'm going to be out of town on the morning of her birthday. I signed up for a tour of a new resort. As long as I go and listen to their sales pitch, I'll get a 3 day, 2 night stay at a Wisconsin Dells resort the girls love. They promise no lockout dates so we should be able to use it over Christmas.
That would take care of one of my biggest expenses between the start of school year and spring break.
Went swimming last night with D9 twice, while D13 hung out listening to music in the basement. D13 is at her favorite camp for the summer. It's lifting her mood a bit.
Not much else to report. Slow time of the summer for me.
Just be careful they don't talk you into buying a timeshare. They've got their sales tactics honed. But I've gotten several goodies from attending those things - I'm very resistant to sales pitches though.
Not worried about the pitch. I know my finances to the penny. Seriously tired today.
I suck at them so I refuse to go. I have 3 timeshares although mine are Disney Vacation Club and I approached them - not the other way around.
Barb
It was a really good pitch. This company had resorts in every place I plan on going in the next three years. I would have signed up if I could have afforded it. They kept lowering, lowering, lowering the down payment until it was down to a level I could afford -- but then I wouldn't be able to use the resorts in the peak or summer months. What's the point then?
So I let it slide and got my gift -- a three day, two night stay in the Wisconsin Dells. We go every winter and this will save me $400 or so.
So that's how the day started. It was D9's, now D10's birthday, and I had a lot of time to think on the drive down and back because my radio isn't working in my car.
The day D10 was born was pretty cool. It was a Monday and XW was being induced. She said I could go to my Monday morning softball game. I went 4-for-4 and we beat our big rival in the league.
I showered and went to the hospital. Things were fine at first, but then the epidural wasn't working and XW was in a lot of pain. The doctors didn't want to give her a second one, but I insisted because the look on her face told me she wasn't ready for that much pain.
Things went well after that except that D10 pooped on the way out. The doctors were worried it got into her lungs so she had to go to the pediatric ICU for a couple of hours. I went down and stayed with D10 to make sure they did not feed her. With D13, they fed her overnight and she never took to breastfeeding.
Finally, D10 was given the OK and she was taken back to the hotel room where XW's mother got a picture of D10, XW and I.
When the marriage crumbled and we split up, D10 would ask me to tell her that story again and again and again.
D10 was with XW this weekend. She was supposed to go to her grandmother's campground. She didn't want to go because no friends could go with her. Instead, they went to a small local zoo and she had a good time. She came over to my house at 6 p.m. to get her present from me and hang out for a couple of hours.
She hesitated about a couple things in her zoo story, which told me the BF went with. XW made a point when she dropped her off to say D10 spent the weekend with just her.
XW has been telling the girls to lie about the BF. I told the girls there's no need to lie. I know what's going on. Still, they get caught in the middle.
XW picked D10 up at 8:30 p.m. And I just laid down to watch TV for a few hours. I'm in a lull where I'm not crazy busy and the motivation has just drained from me. I'm not even really working out and I'm feeling a little flabby. Dating opportunities are drying up again, but then again it's not going to matter when the grad school classes at the end of August.
Another week.
Got a call from XW at work. Picked it up when I've usually let it go to voicemail.
Mostly scheduling stuff. Some small things about the girls. She kept going on and on and I responded when an answer was needed.
She brought up the fact again that she is leaving early Friday for her trip. It was as if she wanted me to respond.
I closed my eyes for much of the conversation and told myself I now just have one goal in life -- conquer anger and fear. Everything else will take care of itself.
Then went for a walk.
Busy, busy, busy. Need to scrape up people for a swimming party for D10 Saturday. Zip lining on Sunday. Baseball game with D13 on Monday.
Sad conversation with D10 this morning. Driving her to daycare for the day. She brings up the house her mom lives in and talks about how much she'll miss it when they move.
I told her I thought the house was off the market. She said they'll have to sell it some day. Hopefully someone will buy it or they'll have to tear it down.
That's probably true. XW didn't sue the former roofer for screwing up our flat roof. There's significant water damage in the basement now. The house is very close to being too far gone.
So I started telling her about all the houses I've lived in, to try to show her that usually people have several houses.
She said she's had two houses, but she doesn't know which house to call home -- mommy's or daddy's. Deep down, I was very happy she considers my house a home. I told her it's OK if she considers mom's house her home. After all, I carried both her and her sister through the front door after they were born.
She says to me, "You miss that house don't you?"
I told her I miss being able to put her to sleep every night.
She replies, "I wish I was four when we were all together."
Then it was time to go into daycare and all I could say is "Me too, but we just have to make the most of today. We're going to have a great weekend."
Sigh.
Weekend going extremely well. Had birthday party for D10 yesterday. Seven kids over, including the one boy that D10 is hopelessly infatuated with.
He's a nice kid. D10 gave him a hug when he left and it was so very cute.
Today, we went zip lining and it was OK. The girls liked it. I guess I expected more for the money.
One bump in the road tonight with D10 and the TV. Got through it.
Tomorrow night I am taking D13 to her first major league baseball game. Going to Milwaukee to see the Brewers play my mighty, mighty, mighty Cincinnati Reds. I have two Reds jerseys and everything.
Next week is the Canada trip and I have several things to get done. Right now I'm downloading music for the trip.
Not much to complain about today. Thoughts of XW on the trip intrude occasionally. I have another message buddy though on OKCupid. We have opposite kid weekends though so nothing is likely to come from it. I just want a date. One date to get going again.
Hey, I saw a post on FB from my ex girlfriend -- the 41-year-old from DateHookup.com who just had too much drama going on.
Looks like she has another boyfriend. She posted a bunch of pics from some beach with a guy and her son. Hey, good for her. I was never going to get to that level with her.
Then I unfriended her.
Awesome trip to the baseball game Monday night. Had club level seats. Tickets to club level restaurant. So we watched a couple of innings next to the window in left field.
I had fun catching up with my old boss. Twice, he's tried to get me to move into his company. I can't leave the girls.
In the 8th inning, a foul ball was hit right to me. I caught it and handed it to D13. Her first major league game and we get a ball. I've been to a couple hundred and it's my third ball.
After, she said the night was fun because she said my eyes "lit up as soon as we got" to the ballpark.
She was going to be a Cubs fan because that's what her mom is. XW is a Cubs fan because of her dad, who died long ago.
I told her she might as well become a Reds fan -- my team -- because I doubt her mom will ever take her to a game. By the end of the night, she said she was a Reds fan and my plan now is to take her to Cincinnati next year for opening day.
D10 stayed the night at her friend's house and had a great time. I picked her up this morning, gathered up some of their stuff and dropped them off at XW's. Their grandmother was to pick them up and take them to the campground. They are stuck with her while their mom is in Sturgis parading around in leather with her tubby biker boyfriend.
D13's feelings about the guy are leaking out more and more. I don't have to worry about her adopting the backwoods Bubba lifestyle. D13 and her mom are going to have issues if the boyfriend relationship advances to an M or a live-in thing.
Anyway, D10 was excited to be going to the campground. D13 was dreading it. She's tired of being dumped on her grandmother all the time by XW. Both D10 and D13 said they are going to try to get the grandma to bring them back Saturday so they can come and stay with me. We're leaving Sunday for Canada and the wrap up trip of this summer.
More messages back and forth from a lady on OKCupid. We have opposite kid weekends so I can't see anything come of it. But we've continued to message each other -- because I'm sure it's just nice to have someone show interest.
She asked if I had anything fun planned this weekend. She has her son so I'm not sure if she's hinting around at anything. I responded I didn't have anything planned Friday or Saturday night.
Perhaps she'll propose something. I just want to go out on a date again. I haven't been on a date since January.
Part of that is that I'm just not aggressive enough. I was over at the county building getting some records for work and talked to a couple eligible -- at least no rings -- women. In my head, I was thinking I should try to do something to strike up a conversation. But nothing came to mind and I let it go. They both work there so maybe there'll be an opportunity in the future -- or maybe not.
I remember just after Voldy and I separated, I took my family to Dancing With The Stars when they were touring and in Toronto. At intermission daughter turned to me and said "Daddy, I'm loving every minute of this, can we come every year" that brought tears to my eyes. I understand what it feels like to see your kids eyes light up, there's nothing like it! Glad you had a great day.
Lots of little things to get done by Sunday. Money flying out the window right now. Took car in for a radio issue. Asked to check the tires. Needed new tires, especially with long trip ahead of me.
Booked hotels. Just $80 for the one near Mall of America. Another $100 for the room in Minnesota near the Bear and Wolf sanctuaries.
Also, have to buy books for class. Another $200 gone.
In a way, it'll be nice to get to September and back into the school year routine. But one more great week ahead.
What happened to Manitoba? We're waiting for you up here in the Great White North. Winnipeg has a baseball team...the Goldeyes.
www.goldeyes.com/ Think about it
Had a wonderful evening with my friend. We sat and walked by Lake Ontario and then went out to dinner. I didn't blubber once. He listens and doesn't tell me what to do. I know that one day I feel one thing and the next something different. The one thing I have to keep in mind is that I don't have to decide anything right away. I have to process things. For so long I felt like I was on top of it all, I could handle it until the control and dependency stuff raised it's head. Now I have to process the fact that I am not Superman and cannot deal with endless stress. So I have to decide whether I think it's possible for her to contain her anal tendencies, whether I can control my pleasing tendency, whether I can handle the stress of the life she has to live, and do I have the energy to do any of it! Maybe I just want to be alone, who knows. Tomorrow it's the shrink and Friday the doctor for a sleeping pill fix. I'm thinking of approaching Pepsi to do a commercial for them "I loved Pepsi Max so much I gave up my relationship for it!" Could be big bucks in this for me. Enough for now.
Oops, sorry CTH I made a boo boo in that last post. Let's pretend it never happened.
First textbook already arrived. I'll have to order the second one while in Canada.
Still need to clean a bit and pack. Hotels on way up and back are booked.
Emailed attorney about accident last November. Insurance company is really dragging its feet, but I'm in no super rush for the money so we're waiting until mid-September. If they haven't made an offer then then we go file suit.
Money is a bit of an issue. This has been an amazing summer, but it's been an expensive one. I know, I know several of you told me so. Ten years from now I don't think I'll remember the money part, I'll remember the fun so I'm OK with it. It's just I'll have to be pretty frugal for rest of year.
Still messaging with OKCupid lady. Fun back and forth, but she has a lot of baggage. Married and divorced three times by age 37. EVERY person I talk to about divorce has a worse story than mine. In 20 years I'll probably think of how fortunate I was.
A simple thought has been helping lately. Every time worry or anger or bitterness rises up I say to myself, "What's my one goal in life? To conquer anger and fear. That's the greatest gift I can give my daughters and everything else will take care of itself."
And then I imagine graduating from the Master's program, what my going away party at the newspaper will be like or what my funeral will be like. I want those things to be celebrations.
Long day today. Story to write. Two photos to take. Records to enter for next week since I'm not there. A form to drop off at the college.
When I get back from Canada I start a new chapter in life. "Back To School," the ClingingToHope version.
First textbook already arrived. I'll have to order the second one while in Canada.
Still need to clean a bit and pack. Hotels on way up and back are booked.
Emailed attorney about accident last November. Insurance company is really dragging its feet, but I'm in no super rush for the money so we're waiting until mid-September. If they haven't made an offer then then we go file suit.
Money is a bit of an issue. This has been an amazing summer, but it's been an expensive one. I know, I know several of you told me so. Ten years from now I don't think I'll remember the money part, I'll remember the fun so I'm OK with it. It's just I'll have to be pretty frugal for rest of year.
Still messaging with OKCupid lady. Fun back and forth, but she has a lot of baggage. Married and divorced three times by age 37. EVERY person I talk to about divorce has a worse story than mine. In 20 years I'll probably think of how fortunate I was.
A simple thought has been helping lately. Every time worry or anger or bitterness rises up I say to myself, "What's my one goal in life? To conquer anger and fear. That's the greatest gift I can give my daughters and everything else will take care of itself."
And then I imagine graduating from the Master's program, what my going away party at the newspaper will be like or what my funeral will be like. I want those things to be celebrations.
Long day today. Story to write. Two photos to take. Records to enter for next week since I'm not there. A form to drop off at the college.
When I get back from Canada I start a new chapter in life. "Back To School," the ClingingToHope version.
Whats going to prevent you from getting into this situationagain? Maybe 3x divorce lady would be a good gf, because she may not want to go through the heartbreak or pain of a big relationship blow out again.
Have a great trip...but then how could it be anything but great, it's Canada!!!
Stuff pretty much packed and ready. Some things to take care of in the morning. Doing some last minute stuff on the computer and D13 forgot to log off FB, so when I click on it I'm on her page and there's XW posting pics of herself in Sturgis with Uncle Fester.
I logged out of D13's page quickly, but still enough to give me a jolt.
I know there's going to be stress over the next eight days, but it's going to be an excellent wrap up to the summer.
And when I get back, the new grad school chapter opens.
C2H : I hope you enjoy Canada (my home and native land)! I also hope the vacation truly DOES give you a new attitude. As your thread suggests - but not what we're reading.
You have to accept this new situation - it IS what it IS. You are divorced. Ex can be with whoever she wishes to be with you. Just as you can date. But instead - you focus on this guy and how much you don't want to see him, talk about him etc - to the point your kids have to pussyfoot around you. It is only going to get worse until you let go and focus on your own life.
And it might mean more counselling. In fact - after all this time of being angry - it does mean it will take more counselling. Or just some time away from it all to think. And refocus.
My best times to refocus my own thinking have been on vacation. And in God's Glorious country of Canada - I hope that is just what you do.
Barb
Excellent trip to Canada. As good as you can expect when you spend 30 hours in a car with an ADHD child.
D10 had fits every single day. A couple were quite bad. Still, to me I see progress.
She wore down my aunt though. She's 77 and although she was sad to see us go, I could tell D10 was getting to her.
D13 was the half happy child, half recluse. She had a lot of fun when hanging out with my aunt and two cousins. When we were back at my aunt's house, she headed upstairs to putz around on the computer or listen to her Ipod.
10 or 20 years from now I'm positive that all of the memories will be positive.
XW and Uncle Fester came up a few times. I made a joke out of the situation, it drew a laugh, but I probably shouldn't have done it. I didn't take anything to shave with and after 8 days I was pretty shaggy.
I never let my facial hair grow so the girls kept telling me to shave. The night we got back I asked D13 if I really didn't look good this way. She said no. I told her I was thinking of packing on 50 pounds so I'd be more attractive to XW. D13 laughed.
I know, I know, I shouldn't have said that. Joking about it is a positive step right?
I have a date. Even though it's highly unlikely anything long term can come out of my conversations with OKCupid 37, I asked her out -- by message -- while in Canada. She said yes. We have this big music festival over Labor Day weekend. D13 is going to watch D10 one night and I'm taking her to the festival.
I'm excited just to get out with someone new.
School starts for the girls tomorrow and for me on Thursday. It is really going to be a test to fit everything in. I went to counseling this morning and my therapist said I sounded more excited about life than she's seen me.
I said I'm really too busy right now to dwell on anything. No time.
I have to try to not be so busy though.
Glad you had a nice vacation. We do sell disposable razors in Canada. I keep extras in the house - we have guests often and many people forget them.
It's ok to joke about ex wife but seriously - not in front of the kids. She is their Mom and everyone's mom should be special to them. The weight comments are tiring.
OK Cupid 37 sounds like a nice person. You've been communicating for a while - no reason not to ask her out. Just keep your expectations in check and see how it goes.
Barb
The weight comment wasn't about her, it was about BF, but whatever.
Interesting week done. Thursday we had a major economic event here and I was the writer and everyone was happy with my work. That night I went to my first accounting class. I'm going to be fine. I thought it was going to be a lot of data entry. Couple quizzes, couple exams, one research project. Just have to keep up.
Rough night with D10 on Wednesday. Transitioning to school was difficult. She had mostly good week. Then today she had a rough afternoon.
XW wasn't answering -- what's new -- so school called me to pick her up. They wouldn't put her on the bus.
So I left work. It took me about 15 minutes to calm her down. She was apologetic and I dropped her off at daycare and went to work.
Work on Friday is no longer easy. We have a new system that is ... super ... slow. And they've given me more responsibility to justify keeping me on salary.
XW finally calls two hours after D10 incident and she wants to know what happened.
I told her I was on deadline on a ton of stuff and there's an email out about the incident.
She gets prissy -- 'Oh, well, nice communication there.' And hangs up.
I finish up at work. Then I think about what just happened and I text her ... 'You were out of line. D10 took an hour out of my day. We now have very tight deadlines on Friday and there was an email explaining the incident.'
No response yet. I don't really want one. I want to leave it at that.
D13 had her tryouts for the fall youth play. She's been working hard. I'll be disappointed if she doesn't get a decent part.
Texting all day with OKCupid 37. Kind of flirty. Looking forward to next week's date, although she let me know she "just quit" smoking. Her profile listed her as a non-smoker.
XW was a closet smoker who hid it from me for 3 months. By then I was invested. She quit, restarted, quit, restarted. It was tiring.
If OKCupid is more of a smoker vs. non smoker I won't pursue anything.
Early in the week, I complained by email to that running race company about not getting any work. I never got any feedback. I asked them if I did something wrong running the crew.
No. They said. They just wanted to save money with local volunteers instead of paying hotel money to bring in our guys. BUT, coincidentally, they did have some work this weekend.
Really? Well, I am off this weekend so I took it. One other guy was free so two of us are going in to work a triathlon. That'll be $350.
I really, really need it to recover from my memorable summer.
Had to ditch a friend though who wanted to go out tonight. I figure with the date next week I can rest. That'll be my social highlight for a while.
Laying in a hotel in the Chicago burbs. Finally get some extra work at the running race company and it was the longest day ever. We had to be here at 6:45 a.m., meaning we left our town at 5:30 a.m. We didn't get released from work at the race until 8:30 p.m. at night. We didn't get to our hotel until 10 p.m.
My whole body is sore. We kept talking about whether we really wanted to do these anymore. The little league baseball umpiring is more of a time hassle for the $1,800 I made. I have to work 20 games to make up for what I get in one weekend at the running races, but at 43 my body is starting to struggle to keep up for this company. Carry chairs here, unload tables there, put up barricades over there.
Luckily, we were told we didn't have to report to work today until 11:45 a.m. So that means we're just doing cleanup and that's always easier, grab stuff and toss it on the truck.
I will admit that since this company has not used us this year and this might be our last race anyway, my attitude isn't as good. I walk at my pace not their pace. My knees and feet aren't what they used to be. It'll all get done anyway.
D13 got a callback for her latest play yesterday. This time though it was for one of the leads. The cast list will be posted today. I won't be there to celebrate. I was sad about it for a minute, but there's a rotation, I'll have my chances to be with her at other plays. I don't worry about D13 drifting away.
Plus, I'm going to get involved with this play. I haven't been involved for three years and it's become her mom's thing. Well, no more of that. I'll serve on the marketing committee, which isn't all that time consuming. Plus, I'm taking classes now at the college where the plays are performed so I'll be able to sit in on rehearsals.
It'll all be good.
It rained all d*mn day at the triathlon. The last two hours it just poured. I was soaked everywhere. So if it was my last race, I went out in glory.
D13 finally moved up in her theater group. She got a whole song with two other girls, so she'll have a whole scene to herself.
Still not where I need to be. Friday is going to be an impossible scramble with having to finish work, pick up D10 and get her home and get to the football stadium on time for my second job.
D13 has rehearsal that night and there's zero way I can get her there or pick her up.
So I messaged XW to see if she would do it since she's likely to be there anyway.
She messaged back sure, but she wanted to switch some nights. She wanted to just keep them Friday, bring them to me late Saturday and then "let" me have them next Saturday night.
Well, I'd planned on taking them to our area's big end of summer festival this Saturday during the day, D13 had a baby sitting gig at night and I have a date Saturday night.
So I don't want to mess with my Saturday plans.
As far as next week, my guess is that she's trying to clear her Saturday night next week because her birthday is Thursday and she probably wants to go drinking at her motorcycle bars with Uncle Fester.
I have consistently worked with her when it comes to her work schedule, including last week picking D10 up at her request when the bus schedule was screwed up. She's used me without my knowledge a few times to go see Uncle Fester, including back in '09 when she hadn't filed for divorce and she was still telling the girls she was trying "to decide" what to do.
That Christmas is going to be probably one of the last things I let go. We opened presents together because that's what we'd done every year. She then invited me to have dinner with her family. I took this as a positive sign, I spent a couple of hours getting myself mentally ready, and I had a great day over there.
Then at the end of the night she asked me to take the girls and the dog as well because she wanted to go to her best friend's house for a Christmas party.
That in itself hurt. She used me so she wouldn't have to drive the kids and the dog back herself. Then I found out this year she was dating Uncle Fester all of 2009 and the whole "best friend" thing was just a cover.
So I told myself back in 2010 I would not work with her on her social schedule. Figure it out. I know I probably shouldn't care and I'm working on that.
I texted back that I just need help Friday and I didn't want to switch Saturdays because I have plans. All of that is true.
If she can't help with D13 on Friday I have options. D13 is in a song with two other girls. They'll always have the same rehearsal times. I could get in touch with them and see if I could just drop her off and pick her up. A coworker said if that falls through she can get her.
Petty probably, but some things are going to take more times than others.
XW called. She asked about the switch. I said no. She said she'd bring D13 to and from the rehearsal Friday.
All is well.
OK, whether she is asking to switch times to make way for "Uncle Fester" is neither here nor there. It's a matter of you two being co-operative with each other as long as the request is reasonable. You don't know why she's made the request anyway, you're supposing. Stop supposing and say yes or no based on your availability versus judging her need. You can date whoever you want and she can date whoever she wants. Let it go and concentrate on co-parenting and just co-parenting. That's enough to tackle with packing toxic emotion in there every time there's a request. That's my 2 cents anyway.
Good advice Wii!
C2H: Are you listening???
Barb
Very good advice Wii.
Her life is hers, your life is yours, accommodating your kids needs is all that matters.
"Maybe a friend turned his or her back on you. Maybe someone you loved betrayed you. We all have wounds and we end up carrying these things that people have done to us for weeks, months, and sometimes even years. It isn't always easy to forgive these people and after a while these hurts can get really heavy. So the only way to feel better seems to be somehow getting back at the people that hurt us, to get revenge. But does revenge ever truly satisfy? Maybe forgiving isn't something you do for someone else to let them off the hook. Maybe forgiveness is about you. God didn't create you to carry these wounds around. God created you to be free."
Nope. Not yet. The lies still rankle too much. I would not enjoy that Saturday night with them because she would have duped me again.
"Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"
That was the quote that got me out of the anger and resentment rut. When I realized that I spent so much time and energy HATING him and what he did and he had gone on with his life and didn't even know how much time I was putting into the grudge. So I realized that once again - I was the loser. And I don't like LOSING!
Suit yourself. But I would not want to be your children who have to pussyfoot around.
Barb
Hm, you couldn't enjoy a Saturday night with your kids because SHE duped you? That's the competitive CTH talking, the one who can't stand to lose. If, for example, cuddling with your babies on the couch, while eating popcorn together and watching a good movie is losing or being duped, then you should be screaming "dupe me some more, baby!"
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year CTH. Hope you are well. FIB